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My Virginity, a journal entry by Persephone 💓, Goddess of Spring 🌹 and Queen of the Underworld 💀
Persephone started adding more doodles to the title, drawing a vine that snaked between the skull and the rose. Then she realized she was only putting off the work and put down her pen with a sigh.
She stretched her arms above her head and looked around the rooftop porch of her new apartment building. Vines curled around the beams and pipes of the roof. The golden glow of her candles provided a warm contrast to the night sky's eternal cool blue. And of course, vintage Hades grinned cockily down at her from his billboard. Persephone smiled at the ad, then put her hands in her lap and looked back down at her journal.
Chiron had suggested journaling as a potential strategy for making sense of her thoughts. Supposedly it was easier to spot patterns, logical inconsistencies, and so on when they were in writing, instead of trapped in her head.
All that made sense in theory.
In practice, Persephone wasn't sure where to begin. There was almost too much to tackle.
"One piece at a time," she muttered. Then she picked up the pen and started.
How Do I Define Losing My Virginity?
That was as good a place as any, she thought. It got right to the heart of the matter: what virginity meant to her, not to anyone else.
- The first time being emotionally intimate with another being, she wrote.
Not bad, she thought, but it wasn't precisely right, either. "Emotionally intimate" covered a lot of ground, including ground nowhere near sexual. Under this definition, Hermes might have been her first, when she opened up enough to ask him to be her friend. The flower nymphs, collectively, had been companions and confidants for most of her life. Did they count as her first? Or maybe Eros, in their many conversations when she was new to Olympus.
Persephone had been emotionally intimate with lots of beings, but that didn't mean she lost her virginity to any of them. She thought for a moment, then added a second item to the list.
- First time being emotionally intimate with a being I'm in love with
Closer, but according to this definition, she lost her virginity to Hades way before the trial. Maybe that first time she patted the ground, or their first talk in his secret crawl space, or after their dinner at Zeus and Hera's—or even that night when he called her and they talked until she fell asleep with his low, comforting voice murmuring in her ear.
She hugged her arms around herself and smiled. It felt a little subversive to declare that she’d lost her virginity that night after all, just in a very different way than most people would assume. This idea definitely put her own spin on the concept.
But it didn’t feel right to deny the physical aspect of sex, either. So she tried again:
- First time being physically intimate with a being I'm in love with
Yet there were so many types of physical intimacy—and she’d already shared so many with Hades. Persephone tossed her pen aside and thrust her hands into her hair.
Should she count touching his star-scattered hand with fingers covered in petals? The first time she woke with her head on his chest and his heartbeat steady in her ears? Flying between the skyscrapers wrapped in his arms? His sure, steady grip pulling her free from shades in Tartarus or on the beach? All of those early touches had opened her eyes to a new world full of opportunities she’d never before considered.
Virginity dealt with sex, she reminded herself. Maybe she needed to go in a more sexual direction. She shook her head, took up her pen, and began again.
- The first time having an orgasm caused by another being
Okay, this one had potential. It definitely had not happened that other time, Persephone thought with a derisive laugh. She kept writing along those lines.
- My first time giving another being an orgasm
After some thought, she underlined the word giving. Maybe (definitely) it was corny, but the thought of giving Hades pleasure as a gift made her glow from the inside out. Literally, she could see her arms luminescing pink and green as she considered the idea.
Are orgasms required, though? She tapped the end of the pen against her teeth. What if neither of them reached that point before they decided to stop? Do you have to have an orgasm for it to count as sex? Persephone didn’t like how restrictive that felt.
And…what if she couldn’t do it right? What if she couldn’t make him feel that way? Hades had experienced so many things that she hadn’t—so many things that she couldn’t give him yet. Thinking about their different histories made her feel young and ignorant. She grit her teeth and added to the list.
- The first time I choose to have sexual congress with another being
“Ugh, way to kill the vibe!” she shouted to the sky. Overhead, a passing cloud of bats glared at her in a judgy manner. She rolled her eyes at them. No, this definition was just too serious. Persephone shook her head and kept writing.
- The first time I bring someone I love to my bed with sexual intent
This one made her smile softly, except it had already happened! She’d been burning with sexual intent almost every night since her return to the Underworld, including every time they’d shared a bed.
- The first time I bring someone I love to my bed with COMMUNICATED sexual intent
Better, but this had also already happened!! If this definition didn’t describe the evening that Ares dumped his drunken heartache and dumbass assumptions all over their driveway, Persephone didn’t know what would.
She sighed and tossed the pen aside again. Her definitions were either too broad, too narrow, or they described something she’d already done.
Persephone found she didn’t like the idea that she’d lost her virginity without realizing it. The concept might only be a social construct, but that construct had been a pillar of her life for so long. She still wanted to acknowledge it.
Her first time, their first time, should have some sense of gravity, anticipation, and celebration—whether it happened tonight, or far in the future.
Sighing, she turned to the next page in her journal and started a new list. Maybe she needed to take a different tack.
What Did My Virginity Represent In The First Place?
- Naivety
- Lack of experience
- Lack of AGENCY
- Lack of control
- Submission to other's choices for me
- Duty
- Unrealistic mind-body dualism
- Overprotection
- A trap set to purposefully keep me ignorant of myself
- Financial leverage over me
- Something I have a lot of issues addressing
“Clearly a lot of issues,” Persephone muttered. Looking at that list, she knew her early, instinctual reluctance about staying a virgin eternally came from an authentic place. She sat up straighter and smiled. Persephone was proud of herself for choosing a different path, no matter how her physical relationship with Hades developed.
She knew there were reasons she’d gone along with the whole TGOEM thing for as long as she did, though. She’d received positive feedback for humoring the idea, negative for questioning it. At least she knew Hestia and the others encouraged her because they thought it would be a good future for her—or she hoped that was the case.
Persephone had thought of the eternal maidenhood goddesses as positive figures for years. Even when their paths diverged, she didn’t want to lose those caring relationships. And she didn’t think she had. Hestia cooked for Persephone and Hades just a few hours after awakening from her decade of sleeping sickness; Artemis willingly shared her exile in the mortal realm; and Athena stabbed Kronos in the neck so Persephone could flee his grip. They all meant well, and Persephone would go to similar lengths for any of them.
But she'd also learned that good intentions didn’t always have good results. She started writing again:
How Was I Encouraged To Feel About Remaining A Virgin
- Ideal
- The best version of myself
- Righteous
- Good
- A role model
- Someone to look up to
- Admirable
- Wholesome
- Whole
- Like I was making the right choices
Looking at that list, no wonder she let herself be led! Maybe they had love bombed her, maybe it was just excitement about their first major recruit in ages—but who wouldn’t want to feel this way about themselves? Persephone had definitely desired that. She always envied the sense of calm assurance the other TGOEM members exuded about their decisions. She’d never quite felt it herself, at least, not until—
“Not until I ate the pomegranate,” she realized.
The pomegranate had absolutely felt like the right choice: a decision so correct that it was the only choice. She closed her eyes and remembered the root-deep certainty that filled her when she realized what needed to be done. There’d been no second-guessing, no faltering, no hesitation. Giving herself up to Erebos on behalf of the realm stripped everything away until only the core of herself remained.
The best version of herself? Persephone bit her lip as she looked over the list again. It seemed weird to say she was a role model or someone to look up to. But she had felt righteous, good, even wholesome as she claimed what was hers: the Underworld, its denizens, and Hades most of all.
Maybe she embodied positive characteristics through her actions instead of what she didn’t do. Persephone smiled up at the star-strewn sky. She believed that remaining a virgin required a commitment of its own, but she loved the idea of more proactive growth.
She was the Goddess of Spring. Growth was kind of her thing.
Persephone stretched her arms overhead before starting one final list:
How I Feel About Losing My Virginity:
(“Losing is a bit of a loaded term,” she said, glancing back at the list of what her virginity represented. “I’m not mad about losing any of that.” )
- Excited!!
- Nervous (but in a good way)
- Scared
- Anticipation
- Ready
- So ready
- Sooooooooooo ready!!
She chewed on her lip, staring down at the paper. Everything she’d written was true, but it wasn’t the whole picture. She gave a deep sigh and added one more bullet point:
- Not completely ready
Then Persephone put the lid on her pen and tucked it into her back pocket. Chiron suggested she write until she “felt done,” which she did. Frustratingly, she’d reached the end of the exercise without having an epiphany, breakthrough, sexual revelation, or anything else. Yet she did feel lighter and calmer than when she sat down. She was still facing some of the same hesitations, but at least she had a better understanding of her conflicts.
“Maybe there’s something to this,” she said. She tucked the journal into a potted plant, which wrapped vines and petals around it, then stood up and headed for the door. Hades was coming over for dinner that night. While Persephone didn’t know how the entire evening would go, she thought she could face anything with him at her side.