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The last thing she was expecting as she sat on a swing, lost in thought, was for him to appear. Aubrey had been hoping for that. But she didn’t expect it to happen. She wasn’t even sure if she’d see Sunny again before he left or ever.
What he told us. That was a lot.
Sunny had been able to tell them about…that. The truth. It could’ve ended worse, him spilling all that out in Basil’s hospital room to them. Aubrey would’ve expected Hero to react stronger than he did, to lash out. She was definitely surprised that she hadn’t done or said anything stupid.
Probably because what he told us hit us all too hard.
Everyone come out of it lost for words. No one wanted to reject either Sunny or Basil.
But to discover that...
They had decided to avoid passing judgement, avoiding the choices of either definite rejection or acceptance. Both of those were too much to possibly handle. None of them hadn’t really talked since then, beyond some light conversation that avoided the thing looming over them now.
I don’t know what to do.
She’d had a bit of time to think about it and she was finding it hard to be angry with Sunny. But the why for that? Was it because she had a special bias towards him? She’d reacted worse to Basil for less. So had that taught her something? Or, again, did she just not want to feel any hatred towards her old crush?
This is messed up.
She looked at Sunny, who still was standing a short distance away and had been struggling to look even vaguely directly at her since he’d quietly greeted her. Time had been passing, with them stuck in an oppressive silence. They wouldn’t be able to spend long together, as it was sunset. He looked so awkward, standing there, and his general state only made that worse. With his unhealthily pale skin and thinness, Aubrey might’ve been tempted to do a good gesture and try to help him out if he was a complete stranger, even with how her reputation made in hard to deal with people. If she’d seen Sunny like this, just randomly and before all the shit that had happened, she’d be about to make her gang start a stint as a well-being group.
The scary thing is that he might look a bit healthier than before his hospital stay.
Okay, that involved ignoring the eyepatch he was currently sporting, so that was a stupid thought. Moving away from that, Aubrey decided to change this situation.
“Sit already”.
Sunny didn’t respond, though his eyes started darting between different places where a person could sit. Was he thinking that he needed to stay a certain distance away from her? Like she was dangerous? Or like she might not stand him being by her?
“On the swing by me”. Aubrey did her best to sound warm as she added “I assume you want to hang with me, right? So come and do that, already”.
He nodded and did so. With the two of them sat side by side, Aubrey swung her legs a little, while Sunny just sat there.
“Why did you come to see me?”.
Sunny winced. “I...Sorry”.
“Is that for being here or for Mari?”.
Sunny looked like he was crumbling inside. Aubrey understood why, though she still sighed.
“I’m not angry about you coming to talk to me. I’m genuinely curious”.
After a moment, Sunny quietly said “For Mari”.
Aubrey was facing forward, while regarding Sunny from the corner of her vision. He seemed to straighten up a bit before speaking again.
“I needed to say that. Again. Before I go”.
“Once was enough. Really”. Aubrey did appreciate the effort, but more apologies felt like they were getting stuck on that, on making up. Okay, an apology couldn’t fix everything in an instance. But that didn’t mean that she wanted apology after apology. “What I want most, that is to understand why it happened. But I don’t think you know, thinking on how you talked about it. It sounds like it was a blur for you. A nightmarish blur, like it just happened to you. Like you got hit by a horror movie”.
Sunny frowned. It probably sounded trite to him, hearing his experiences be described like that. But…
“Oh, don’t judge me”, Aubrey said defensively. “That’s the nicest way I can describe my impression from you told us”.
Sunny looked at her blankly for a moment. Then he said “That sounds right. Your impression”.
Aubrey waited for him to say something else. But he said nothing. He just sat there silently. As that dragged on, Aubrey started to feel annoyed.
What next?
He looked anxious and she had an idea of what he was going to say before he said it.
“Don’t say you’re sorry again. I get it”
Sunny closed his mouth and turned away. Aubrey wasn’t sure if she’d been sensitive enough. It didn’t feel like she’d been.
“It’s...uh, a nice night”.
Sunny nodded.
“Have you seen Basil since the hospital?
Sunny nodded again. Then he let out a weak, strained “Yes”
Would Sunny’s sound much different without his hospital visit? He’d barely talked before then, so she couldn’t tell. Aubrey hoped it wasn’t as bad as it seemed, though it probably was.
“I’ll need to phone you often once you’re away from here”.
Sunny looked her with a confused expression.
“Because you definitely need to have more conversations”, Aubrey explained with a forced softness. Being like that was hard for her, thanks to the habits she’d built up, even with her wish to show her care for Sunny. “And I wanted us to keep in touch when you left already. I haven’t changed my mind about that”.
Overall. There were probably points between finding everything out and now where her answer to whether she’d keep in touch would’ve been “I don’t know” or “That’s what I should do”. But she’d gone back to where she’d started, with that wish to do better.
I hope he agrees while I still have it in me to be better. I can be an angry, vindictive asshole.
That was how she viewed her behaviour towards Basil. She didn’t trust herself to wait forever after that. She needed Sunny to give her a chance to be better this time.
God, I think I need a chance from Sunny, maybe more than he needs me.
Sunny tensed up, as he struggled with his thoughts.
And something else.
It might be his stress or this location, but he was starting to see some things that definitely weren’t there.
The big cat was watching over their conversation.
I don’t how it’s managing to feel imposing when its not actually a big cat.
There was also Berly and Van. They were watching the two of them, probably because it felt like they should be there now. Ready to guard Aubrey.
Was Mewo around? Or a sprout mole? Or some other person from his dreams? Berly and Van were bad enough.
The one real person there didn’t feel much more real than those creations of his mind. The Aubrey of his dreams would be this nice, purely because he wanted that. But having the Aubrey who had been so hurt by Mari’s death, who’d had a person who was a best friend and a big sister wrapped into one taken from her and who’d felt so different when they’d first met offer to stay in touch like that?
Like I didn’t stab her. Like we didn’t fight twice.
That didn’t feel real. Sunny was starting to fear that this Aubrey would disappear, that she was a delusion. She could be that.
Maybe she hasn’t changed that much, not beyond what a friend could’ve imagined. If he’d wanted to envision how Aubrey would change, would it have been hard to imagine something close to what he saw now?
If I hadn’t clung to the past, would the Aubrey I imagined have been more like this one? The real Aubrey?
He remembered back when he heard about Aubrey’s intent to dye her hair, the most visible difference between the Aubrey in his head and the Aubrey in front of him. He remembered her asking him if he thought the colour pink would look good on her. He’d said yes. Basil said it would look great on his behalf. Then he teased Sunny about his crush on Aubrey. It was hard to imagine either the current Basil or that of his dreams doing that.
Will I ever see that Basil again?
Sunny hoped he would, or at least hear about that Basil existing again.
He’d loved Aubrey. Maybe she’d felt something back, once? Right now, she was dating someone else and he did wish the best for them. He still cared about Aubrey and he didn’t want to lose her. He didn’t want to lose any of his friends, if they really wanted him in their lives after everything. Though he didn’t feel like he deserved them, what he also felt was that.
Was that really okay?
What you do with your feelings will be your truth.
An Aubrey had said that to him, one that looked like the real Aubrey and yet wasn’t her. But what she’d said mattered.
What are my feelings now? What is my truth?
Sunny felt his eyes water. He’d been finding his emotions spill out more recently. Like when Basil opened his eyes back at the hospital. He’d felt so relieved, so happy to see that. He hadn’t had it feel so easy to smile like that for so long.
“I...want that too”.
It looked to Aubrey like saying that had taken a lot of effort from Sunny.
That’s enough. My turn now.
It would be up to her to try and take that vague wish that they shared and turn it into something solid.
It’s about time that I stepped up and tried to be there for you.
“I need to make sure you look after yourself. Whatever you did, I know Mari wouldn’t forgive me either way if I didn’t look after you. So I’ll phone you regularly, and I’ll figure out a way for us all to see you. I know I used to rely on you listening to me a lot, before everything. Yeah, I do miss that”. Lost in nostalgic feelings for a moment, she then hastily added “But I won’t push that on you if you don’t want that, I promise. You can lean on me as much as you want. Or as little. You don’t have to share junk with me, though you definitely can if you want to”.
She was starting to move from assuring to desperation, which was how she was feeling. She was desperate to avoid Sunny deciding to reject her effort to reach out, or for him to close his real feelings off because he felt obliged to share something.
I don’t know what I should be encouraging him to do, exactly. How the hell do I not fuck this up?
It felt like potential mental landmines were everywhere, ready to explode at the tiniest misstep. Fortunately, Sunny was looking at her with a gentle smile. “Thank you”.
Thank you, God. You finally did something for me.
Feeling relieved and more confident, Aubrey declared. “If I’m forgiving you, the others definitely will. Kel and Hero are a lot softer and a lot less ragey than me”.
“I did something awful”. Sunny looked unsure and it was with a painfully genuine tone, he added “You could leave me, if you want. That would be fine. Really”.
“No, it’s not”, Aubrey retorted, her tone sharp and aggressive. “It wasn’t the first time. It wasn’t for me, when I felt everyone was leaving me and Mari behind, when I felt completely alone and when I missed everyone so much, even when I had my new friends. That hurt so much”.
Sunny looked pained. Aubrey had been angry at the idea of going back to that point, that it could ever be okay if they did that, but Sunny surely felt like he was angry at her.
Yeah, venting like that at someone already feeling very guilty. No wonder that Basil compared me to a sword flower. I’m just hacking at stuff around me with the tenderness of a fucking sword, aren’t I?
She tried to look reassuring, hoping her smile could give off the vibe she wanted it too.
“That’s the last thing I want, even with...this”. She took a deep breath, then continued. “I used to think you’d leave me eventually, that I’d lose everyone, that I hadn’t fit in enough. But you were always there for me, when no one else could be”.
He’d listen to her for hours and hours. She wished she’d been the same for him through those painful years. Sunny looked at her attentively, listening like he used to. The sight of that was making her feel sappy.
“You’re leaving, but not in the way I used to fear. We’ll keep in touch. That’s what I want. That’s what I feel. You vanishing would….”
How to put it? She didn’t want this to get heavier.
“...suck so much”.
Really? Eh, it works.
Worried about how that might be interpreted, she added “But whatever you want is up to you”.
“I don’t want to be alone any more”. Sunny’s voice was unstable, more and more wracked with sadness. “I mustn't. Do that”.
He looked pitiable, to put it bluntly. She wanted to pull him away from whatever he was sinking into in his head now and protect him. At the same time, a part of Aubrey, that part of her that still hurt from what she’d been though, wanted to say that she’d been wanting him or anyone to be with her for years. Her hand was always there to grab, wasn’t it?
I can still think a shitty thing like that? I’m really terrible.
It wasn’t remotely that simple, not at all.
Wait, the old simpler version of things here is Sunny becoming a shut in because his sister died and that screwed everyone up. How can that be true? Because of that messed up accident and the other details about it, that’s how. Ugh. Fuck, this got so messed up.
Aubrey would’ve groaned at that, if she wasn’t currently trying to come out of of this conversation with Sunny out on top in spite off his issues and hers. Open frustration would wreck her hopes of seeming like a solid person that Sunny could trust in.
“Okay, you won’t be doing that. You don’t have to do that”.
Sunny nodded. “Right. Because of Mari. And what I did to everyone”.
“Mari wouldn’t want us to fight, right?”, Aubrey said wryly. “Kel would say that. He’d be right. That was always right, though it hurt to hear that. It just felt rich to hear that once everyone seemed to stop caring. Of course, I was totally wrong”.
She sighed. “I was wrong about what was going on in everyone’s heads and assumed the worst, especially after seeing those photos.
Sunny squirmed, probably because he was feeling guilty. Aubrey, as assuringly as she could, said “I don’t hate you for that”.
It’s barely anything at this point, that act.
“I can’t say anything like how everything is fine now, or will be fine soon. That’ll be messed up. I’m going to be thinking about this for ages. I’ll need to do that. So will Hero and Kel. But right now, I think I get why you did it, why what happened with Mari happened. Or I think I get enough to not see you as a monster or anything like that. You’re Sunny, my friend. One of my best friends”.
Regardless of what you did, you’re still that to me. Figuring out what it means or how to handle that will be the actual hard part now.
“Thanks. Thank you”. Sunny’s face brightened, like the sun to be cheesy in a way that would fortunately stay in Aubrey’s head. “I lo...um. Never mind”.
Aubrey smirked at him stopping himself. “Yeah, let’s not make this weirder. But it’s nice that you still feel like that, even though I’m like this”.
Sunny looked confused.
“Like a thug? A hooligan? A scary kid that old people avoid and want banned from the church forever?”.
He continued to look at her with confusion. Then, sternly, he said “They shouldn’t want that. That’s awful”.
“You don’t get the vibe I give off, how different I am?”.
“Um. You’re cool?”, Sunny replied, sounding slightly confused again. Aubrey snorted, though her next words were said with an affectionate tone, even if it felt to her like Sunny was being silly.
“So I was the one making this weird this time. Got it”.
Aubrey then let out a self-depreciating laugh, which drew a smile out of him. She reached out with her left hand, Sunny responding with his right one. They grasped hands and the warmth from Sunny’s hand was comforting, reassuring. Soon, this was going to be impossible, for a while. Like the setting sun above them, which turned the sky a warm red, this time together was going to end. Sunny would soon also go towards the distant horizon and disappear. But they’d see each other again. Aubrey would have to prepare for then, prepare her heart for that time. She hoped that however long she had would be enough, for her to come to terms with what had happened and have a chance of walking forward with Sunny, with everyone.