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Andy King liked women. A lot. And a few years ago that would be that but then one phone call changed his life forever and introduced him to the lactose-intolerant little devil known as Errol. They had been having a nice lunch catching up with each other; Errol had been busy with school and Andy had been busy with his growing music career. (He wouldn’t admit it but even though he loves all the new fame and money he’s been getting, he still kinda misses the old days when he was a nobody in a band with just his nephew.) Then Errol insisted that they go to a little place that had just sprung up that only served soy ice cream. It was a place that Andy would never go to as soy ice cream is an inferior form of ice cream but he was feeling generous and so they hopped into Andy’s car and headed that way.
“I think I’m bisexual,” Errol says casually while digging through Andy’s glovebox.
“Wait what?! You’re serious?”
“Yeah. I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I think I like guys as well as girls.”
“Well,” Andy starts, and Errol can see him trying to figure out what to say next.
“Thank you for telling me. I support you.”
“Thank you,” Errol says, biting back a smile at his uncle’s caught-off-guard response.
“Are you going to tell your mum?” Andy keeps looking back and forth between Roly and the road, desperately wishing they weren’t doing this while driving so he could give him his full attention.
“Oh, I already told her. And dad, so they both know.”
“What?! So I’m the third person you told?!”
“Actually I told Tiff, Bruce, Veronica, Val, and Gwen and Casper already,” Errol replies, as though they were discussing something as mundane as football or the weather.
“So I’m the…” Andy cuts off and starts trying to count on his fingers.
“Ninth.”
“So I’m the ninth person you told? You told Bruce before me? You told Casper before me?!”
“Well, I live with Bruce so, of course, I told him. And when I went to talk to Val, Gwen and Casper were there so I might as well tell them too. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner but I hadn’t gotten the chance to see you before now.”
“You could have given me a phone call,” Andy says, a little bitter that his nephew went to Casper before him.
“I didn’t want to tell you on the phone,” Errol says with a bit of bite in it. “It’s big news for me so I wanted to tell you in person.”
“So you tell me while I’m driving? You’re lucky I haven’t gone careening off of any bridges!”
“We’re not even near any bridges, Uncle Andy!”
“Not yet we’re not!”
They fall into an awkward silence after that. Andy’s never really had anyone come out to him before and he can’t help but feel that he’s balled it up. He didn’t mean to but, then again, he never means to.
“Sorry,” he says, awkwardly filling the awkward silence with more awkwardness. “How’d you find out anyway, if you don’t mind me asking.”
“I don’t mind,” Errol says while looking out the window. “I guess I just started to realize that some of the things I think about boys are the same things I think about girls.”
“Have you kissed any boys?”
“What?! I mean, no…” Errol shouts, frazzled by his uncle asking him that.
“Well then, I mean how do you know you’re bisexual then? I mean everyone thinks about it with both but that doesn’t really mean anything.”
Andy looks over when Errol doesn’t reply and is taken aback by the complex journey his face seems to be on. It starts off quite angry before becoming confused and then shifting into an expression that can only be described as epiphanic. As to what Errol seems to have realized Andy doesn’t have the slightest idea of what it could be, but he is unnerved by the knowing way Errol looks at him. It’s like he’s seeing something that Andy can’t and understanding something that Andy doesn’t.
“What? Something on my face?”
“Huh? Oh… no.,” Errol says distractedly. “But you’re wrong. I knew I liked girls before I kissed one and I bet you did too. And I don’t think everyone thinks about both men and women like that.”
“I mean,” Andy starts and then stops. He doesn’t know what he was going to say and he isn’t going to try and dig deeper or start a fight with his nephew. The silence returns, different from before but still awkward. Andy doesn’t know what to say and he suspects Errol doesn’t either. A few minutes pass.
“Uncle Andy?”
“Hm?”
“You missed the turn.”
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It has been days since that encounter but Andy can’t stop thinking about what Errol said. What Errol meant. And what was that look he was giving him? The whole thing was very weird but it turns out things could get much weirder. Errol kept sending him articles like ‘What is Bisexuality?’ and ‘How To Tell If You Are Bisexual’. He questioned it but Errol only said that it was just some educational resources if Andy wanted to know more. He was still confused as to what was going on but did end up skimming the articles.
Another thing is that when Errol comes over to play video games, he keeps bringing up musicians who are also bisexual. At first, Andy thought he was just excited to talk about people he felt connected to but every time he brought up someone he would turn his big, weirdly-knowing eyes towards him and stares for a long second before looking away. He feels like Errol is implying something but Andy doesn’t know what exactly.
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And I don’t think everyone thinks about both men and women like that.
Andy can’t stop thinking about that. At first, he thought Errol was just wrong. Everyone thought like that, right? But now he’s not so sure. So he calls the straightest man he knows to settle it.
“Andy? Is everything alright? Is it Errol? Is he okay,” Ben questions immediately.
“No everything is fine. I just had a question to ask.”
“Okay?”
“So you’re a straight man right?” Andy winces as he says it, wishing he had practiced what to say.
“Yes…? Why are you-”
“Okay so just, you don’t feel anything towards men? You don’t think about them like that?”
“No? Why are you asking me this, Andy?”
“I’m… doing a survey! Thank you for your time and have a great day,” Andy blurts out before hanging up the call and throwing the phone. He buries his face in his hands and groans.
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Andy arrives at COX in the early afternoon filled with a nervous energy he doesn’t know and doesn’t like. Even when he was dating Gwen and knew Val despised him he didn’t feel this off. Even after he and Gwen broke up and knew Val would cut his dick off with a spoon if he slipped up he didn’t feel this apprehensive. Part of him wants to turn and run and pretend all of this never happened, but he knows he’ll go insane if he spends one more night eating pizza and staying up until the morning taking every ‘Am I Bisexual?’ quiz he can find online.
When he walks in, he feels hyperaware of all the men there. They seem to be doing some sort of warmup or practice together and for once in his life, Andy feels uncomfortable in COX. Before he would take a look at all the attractive men from what he thought was a neutral standpoint, but now he’s not sure. He feels like he shouldn’t look now, is worried he’s been creeping on these poor guys trying to work. Andy focuses on a point on the ceiling and makes his way toward the bar without moving his eyes away.
“Ow! Shit!”
Andy hisses in pain after walking straight into a table. He can feel all the eyes in the room turn towards him, the guys no longer stretching but watching him with mild confusion. Andy’s face burns as he quickly makes his way to the bar in embarrassment. His only relief is that Val enters the room in the next moment and Andy can get this awkward conversation over with. He notices Val is wearing the same outfit he wore the day Andy had to borrow all that money from him.
The first thing that Andy thinks is that he should just lie about why he’s here and go.
The second thing that Andy thinks is that Val looks very pretty in that outfit, with the pink and the white.
Focus, he tells himself. Just get this over with.
“I should have known you’d be coming by,” Val says in his sexy raspy voice, “Things had been too nice lately.”
“Val! Wow I, uh, didn’t recognize you,” Andy says very stupidly, kicking himself internally. “I uh… do you think we could, uh ya know, talk?”
Val takes a moment to take in Andy’s words and the way he keeps shifting his weight before frowning and tilting his head.
“Okay.”
“Um, could we maybe uh do it in private?” Andy hates the way the pitch of his voice gets higher every time he’s unsure of himself. And he hates the way his voice gets lower than normal to compensate when he catches himself.
Val nods and starts heading toward the back of the club and to his office, leaving Andy to follow him. Closing the door behind him, Val takes a seat in his desk chair and Andy sits across from him, crossing his legs and uncrossing them a few times. This is a room he’s never really been in before so he takes the opportunity to absorb it all. It’s a little cramped, with the desk, chairs, and several filing cabinets taking up the majority of the space. On the desk is a computer monitor, desk lamp, and paperwork strewn around. Val gathers up the paperwork and places it in a neat pile off to the side. On the wall are several awards that Andy does not have the time to read and pictures of various musicians, some more famous than others. In between those however are pictures of Gwen at various stages in life and some with Val and Gwen together. He takes notice of two particular photos, some of the bigger and more detailed portraits. One is of Val with Gwen as a baby and one of Val with Gwen as some sort of late teenager based on her exploratory fashion choices and shoulder-length hair partially dyed pink. The second picture looks a lot like how Andy has always known Val, wearing makeup and a wig, and feminine clothing along with what must be six-inch heels that make Andy wonder if Val has ever broken his ankles in those things. But the first picture is different in that Val has none of those things. He’s wearing a standard white shirt and standard jeans and although he’s smiling, it doesn’t reach his eyes. Not like his smile in the other picture or his smiles now when he gets to threaten to cut someone’s prostate out. It really really occurs to him that Val’s worked so hard to get here and to be himself all the time.
Val clears his throat and Andy realizes he’s been drifting. Turning away from the wall and shifts his attention to the person across from him. Andy drums his fingers on the desk, unsure how to start this conversation. He thought that Val would be the most knowledgeable and trustworthy person to talk to and, well, he’s been right about everything else so far. But it still makes him feel uncomfortable and sweaty talking about something so personal with anyone. He feels naked in a way that he wouldn’t feel even if he was actually naked in front of every person in Europe. He feels exposed and vulnerable sitting here, like a snail without a shell. Or a turtle, without a shell. Or a hermit crab without a-
Andy blinks a few times to try and get out of his mind, reminding himself that he shouldn’t have anything to fear.
“Well so, let’s say I hypothetically have this theoretical friend, and he’s been wondering lately if he isn’t as straight as he thought. Because he just found out that what he thought everyone felt isn’t what everyone feels and even though he still likes girls, he thinks maybe that’s not all he likes. But he doesn’t know what to do about it because his entire worldview has just shifted and he doesn’t want to be weird. So, like what would you say to this guy, you know, hypothetically?” Andy exhales, chest feeling a bit lighter now that he got that out.
Val's eyebrows are knitted together in confusion and he’s frowning, still trying to process the word jumble Andy just spewed out. Then, just like Errol’s, Val’s face goes from confused to epiphanic, his eyes filled with an understanding and recognition that makes Andy feel like he’s looking at the sun.
“Well,” Val says gently, reaching out with his right hand and placing it lightly on top of Andy’s left, “I would tell this hypothetical friend of yours that it’s okay that he’s only finding out now that he’s bisexual, or queer, or just not straight. It’s okay if he’s still figuring himself out. He’s still whatever he wants to call himself no matter if he only ever dates women or likes women more. And that as long as he treats everyone with respect and dignity he’s not going to be weird.”
Andy isn’t sure what to do. Before Val has always been hard on him, and Andy needed that to make the right choice. But now? Now there’s no judgment or disgust or annoyance in his eyes. Just compassion and what feels like kindness. His hand is warm, soft, and calming on Andy’s. He feels hypnotized by Val’s gaze, unable to look away. In the car with Roly, he could at least focus on the road and not on those knowing eyes that saw him in a way he didn’t. But here he doesn’t have anywhere else to look and he’s afraid that if he tries he’s going to end up staring at Val’s cleavage.
(Before he thought he was just noticing that Val was objectively very hot. And he is, but maybe Andy was noticing all this for a different reason. Maybe thinking about his girlfriend’s sexy cool dad at night wasn’t typical straight-guy behavior. Maybe someone like Ben would see Val and not think about how soft the hair on his chest looked.)
“And I think that this friend of yours has a good family that will love and support him no matter what. And if he ever wants or needs to talk, he can always come here.”
“Thanks,” Andy mumbles, breaking eye contact and staring at the corner of the desk where the wood has been chipped a bit. He contemplates asking what happened there if only to get away from this topic and back to something he can handle, but he can’t bring himself to say anything more. A long minute stretches in silence, Val’s hand still on his as he gains his bearings.
“Could you,” Andy starts, finally looking up again. “Could you maybe keep all this between us?”
“Of course,” Val says kindly once again, giving a gentle squeeze to Andy’s hand before removing it. “Now fuck off.”
Andy nods, grateful to be back in familiar territory, and heads out. The burning feeling in the back of his skull is gone and his stomach no longer feels like it’s full of rocks.
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Andy sits next to Sam on his couch, alone together at his place. She finally came over since there was no one else home with her. They were watching some run-of-the-mill, trashy reality show for the sole purpose of making fun of the contestants and all the stupid things they did. It was a good night all in all, but Andy had something burning on his tongue that he felt he needed to say now or he’d never get another chance like this.
“I think I’m bi.”
“Like Roly?”
“Yeah.”
Sam nods and then stops, turning to him in confusion.
“Is that why you kept calling Ben with all those weird questions?”
“It was one phone call!”
Sam settles back onto the couch and puts her arm around his shoulders. The gesture conveys all the words and feelings that would probably kill Andy if they were said out loud.
“You know that’s just more people who aren’t going to date you.”
Sam laughs at her own joke and Andy smiles. For the first time since that day with Errol in the car when they traveled way too long and paid way too much for shitty soy ice cream, Andy feels good, like he understands who he is.