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Dazai could tell something was wrong with his new mentee the moment he reached out to pat the top of his head for the first time.
It was after a successful mission. A woman had hired them to catch her stalker who had been leaving threatening notes in her home, so Dazai took Atsushi and staked the apartment area out. When the suspect revealed himself and started attempting to open her window, Dazai pushed Atsushi towards him and told him to catch him, which was an easy feat given Atsushi’s advanced speed. The suspect tried to flee, but Atsushi tackled him from behind, grabbing around his waist and bringing them down to the ground. The police arrived and took the stalker into custody. It was a job well done, and Dazai was pleased with his mentee’s work.
So, naturally, Dazai reached out with his hand to pat the top of Atsushi’s head, and probably ruffle his hair too.
And Atsushi flinched. Hard. The boy jerked backwards, nearly tripping over his own feet just to put distance between himself and Dazai, the perceived threat. And the look Atsushi sent him, eyes blown wide in fear, for just a split second before he quickly masked it, would haunt Dazai for a long time.
It reminded him of a younger version of himself, fresh out of the Mafia and firmly believing everything and everyone was out to get him.
Dazai felt like he’d been punched in the gut and his blood was ice cold, but he kept his face from showing the concern. He dropped his hand back to his side slowly so as not to alarm Atsushi further, and gave him what he hoped was a disarming smile, not one of the fake ones he often wore. “Hey, Atsushi-kun. You did a great job tonight,” he said.
Atsushi’s eyes scanned up and down Dazai’s face a few times before nodding hesitantly. “Thank you, Dazai-san,” he mumbled meekly, not showing his usual enthusiasm for being praised.
Dazai carefully calculated his options. Should he let it go? Pretend that it never happened and try to remember not to touch him in the future? Try it again now that Atsushi was looking and knew that Dazai was happy? What would help him the best?
“I’m proud of you,” Dazai continued. Atsushi still stared at him with a guarded expression. He’s wary of me, Dazai thought. Which stung a bit, but Dazai had a feeling it wasn’t personal. “Mind if I pat your head?”
Now Atsushi looked puzzled. “Pat my… head?” he echoed. “Why?”
Well, good thing Dazai wasn’t easily embarrassed by these types of things. “You did well, and I simply wanted to show my affection,” he replied.
“O-o-oh,” Atsushi stuttered, looking like a deer caught in headlights.
“You can say no if you’d like,” Dazai said, fully expecting to be turned down with the way Atsushi had started nervously wringing his hands together.
“Actually… it’s okay. Go ahead,” Atsushi mumbled, blushing a little.
Dazai wanted to ask if he was sure, but he didn’t want to embarrass his mentee even further or cause him to second-guess himself. Atsushi tilted his head towards Dazai, signaling his consent. Dazai lifted his hand and moved slowly towards Atsushi, carefully watching him to see if he would change his mind, but he held still and Dazai came to rest his hand in Atsushi’s soft hair. As he made contact, Atsushi’s whole body tensed. Dazai continued moving slow, lightly moving his fingers across his scalp until he relaxed. And once Atsushi did relax, he leaned into the touch, closing his eyes and letting out a soft sigh.
That night, Dazai went home and researched Nakajima Atsushi. It wasn’t that hard to find the orphanage where he had previously resided. And had been kicked out of, Dazai thought bitterly. From there, it was just a short hack into their medical records. And the overflowing file there told a long, ugly story of abuse and malnourishment. There was a record of daily bruises, bones broken far too often to be chalked up to simple clumsiness, near death experiences, and weight constantly far too low for his age.
Dazai didn’t sleep at all that night. A sick feeling settled into his stomach and didn’t go away for days.
The next morning at work, Dazai suppressed the urge to pull Atsushi into a tight hug which definitely would have freaked him out, and gave him a small, genuine smile. “Morning, Atsushi-kun!” he greeted. “How did you sleep last night?”
“Fine, thank you Dazai-san,” Atsushi replied politely, which sounded like a lie.
Dazai sat down in the office chair next to him. “So, did you start on the report for last night?” he asked.
“You mean the report you were supposed to write?” Kunikida questioned harshly.
Dazai didn’t miss the slight flinch in Atsushi at Kunikida’s harsh tone. “I-I’m actually almost done, Dazai-san,” Atsushi replied.
“Knew I could count on you,” Dazai told him with a playful wink. Then, slowly, he lifted his hand towards Atsushi’s head again, but paused before getting halfway between them. Atsushi met his eyes for a second. He still looked nervous, but he didn’t flinch away this time. He leaned his head slightly towards Dazai, and Dazai took the invitation to pat his head again. Atsushi still tensed up, but it took less time to get him to relax as Dazai ran his fingers back and forth through his silver locks.
Later that day, Dazai snuck away to Yosano’s office alone. “Give me everything you have on PTSD,” he demanded, knowing Yosano wouldn’t mind his slightly rude tone.
“Well hello to you too, Dazai-kun,” Yosano replied in her deathly sweet voice with a wide smirk. “Why? Are you finally going to therapy like the President wanted?”
“Hah. No,” Dazai replied. His expression turned dark. “It’s for Atsushi-kun. I’ll forward you his file from the orphanage.”
Yosano dropped her smirk. “Damn it,” she hissed. “Alright. I’ll gather everything I have and drop it off at your place later. Discreetly, of course.”
It took a few nights, but Dazai went through it all. He was determined to help his mentee.
Since then, Dazai made it a point to pat Atsushi’s head once a day. Eventually, he stopped tensing up whenever Dazai touched him, and Dazai moved to also patting him on the shoulder or back sometimes. Dazai felt warm inside, knowing he had gained his mentee’s trust.
But of course, like every good thing in Dazai’s life, it had to go to shit as soon as he let his guard down.
It happened after a particularly rough mission. Atsushi had been chasing after a member of a gang who had been targeting ADA members. The suspect had an unknown ability that allowed him to dissolve and travel through water, which he used to escape through the sewers and get to a crowded area. He pulled out a knife and stabbed a bystander in the shoulder. Atsushi was forced to abandon the chase and seek treatment for the innocent woman.
Kunikida was clearly unhappy with the turn of events, but he didn’t berate Atsushi too hard when he returned empty-handed, just frowning and saying, “I’ll see. I’ll have to report this to the President now.”
Dazai had been out wasting time when he got a text from Kunikida.
You might want to check on the lad. He seems pretty upset.
Trying not to panic, Dazai shot a text back.
What happened?
Kunikida filled him in on the details, and Dazai internally winced. A suspect escaping and a bystander getting hurt? Yeah, it was no wonder the kid was probably feeling down on himself. And seriously, who knew the suspect was going to have an ability? That was a curveball. So, Dazai headed back to the office just as quick as his legs would run and nearly went barreling through the front door, pausing for just a moment outside to compose himself. The last thing his mentee needed to see was him looking frantic.
“Where is he?” Dazai demanded as soon as he got inside.
“Hiding in the conference room,” Kunikida replied, frowning. “It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have sent the lad out alone. I mean, of course he had an ability. I should have seen it coming. Ranpo-kun would have.”
“Well, none of us are Ranpo-kun,” Dazai replied. “Don’t beat yourself up over it.”
He left Kunikida behind and walked quickly to the conference room. The door was closed. He knocked on it softly. “Atsushi-kun?” he asked softly. No response. “I know you’re there, Atsushi-kun. I’m coming in.”
Dazai pushed the door open slowly. The light was off inside the room, and he could see Atsushi huddled in the back corner, head buried into his knees. His mentee didn’t look up or give any indication that he even knew Dazai was in the room. “Hey, Atsushi-kun,” Dazai said, trying not to sound nervous. His heart was starting to pound harder at Atsushi’s withdrawn state. “Kunikida thought you might be feeling bad.”
“I failed,” Atsushi mumbled into himself. His voice was muffled, but it was still obvious to Dazai that he’d been crying.
“Atsushi-kun? Could you look at me, please?” Dazai asked.
Slowly, Atsushi lifted his head. Tear tracks stained his cheeks, and his eyes were rimmed red. The sight tore at Dazai’s heart. It was unfair. He just wanted to comfort his mentee somehow. So, like he’d done several times before now, he slowly reached up his hand to pat Atsushi on the head.
If Dazai had thought the first time Atsushi had flinched from him was bad, this was far worse. Atsushi whimpered and covered his head with his hands, burying himself further into his knees. Dazai jerked his hand back like he’d been burned. His mentee started to hyperventilate, breaths coming in and out in a panicked flurry, and his whole body trembled.
“Atsushi-kun, you’re having a panic attack,” Dazai said calmly, though on the inside he felt like he was about to have one too. “I won’t touch you, but I need you to breathe with me, okay? I’m going to count. In two three four five six. Hold two three four. Out two three four five six seven eight.”
Dazai continued to count until Atsushi was able to match his breathing. “Atsushi-kun,” Dazai said softly. His mentee was back to not looking at him. “You should know, I read your file from the orphanage after you started working here. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that they were unkind to you.” Atsushi still didn’t respond, so Dazai kept going. “I know you’ve been hurt before. A lot. But you’re not there anymore. You’re safe. Nobody here is going to hurt you.” A pause. “I’m not going to hurt you.”
Atsushi finally looked up, eyes not quite believing. “You weren’t going to hit me?” he asked.
“No, Atsushi-kun. I just wanted to pat your head, like I usually do,” Dazai explained, shoving away the hurt he felt inside.
“But… I let the suspect get away! And I let an innocent person get hurt!” Atsushi protested. “I deserve to be punished.”
“What you need is more training,” Dazai replied calmly. “Not every mission is going to be successful, even when you get to be as experienced as me. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
Atsushi nodded. It would probably take some time for the message to really sink in. Still, he had stopped crying, so Dazai decided to take that as a win. “Can I pat your head now?” Dazai asked. “You can say no if you don’t want me to.”
His mentee hesitated for a few seconds, and Dazai worried that he had broken his trust irreparably. Then, Atsushi leaned his head towards his mentor, inviting Dazai forwards. Moving extra slow, Dazai reached forwards and rubbed Atsushi’s head. As usual, Atsushi sighed and leaned in. Finally, Dazai let out a long exhale. His body had been so tense since he received Kunikida’s message. Now, they could both relax.
“Dazai-san… could I…? Uh… never mind,” Atsushi mumbled.
“What is it?” Dazai asked gently. “I promise I’m not going to think it’s stupid.”
“Could I have a hug?” Atsushi asked softly.
Dazai’s heart melted, and he smiled. “Sure thing,” he said, holding his arms out. Atsushi crawled in to them, wrapped his own arms around Dazai’s waist, and buried his head in his shoulder. Dazai brought his arms around his mentee tightly, feeling a warmth rising through his whole body. After everything, it felt good to be trusted.