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It was a cool, still morning in Yokohama. The air was cool enough to feel pleasant against Akutagawa’s skin, but not cold enough to hurt his lungs when he inhaled. The morning sky was a light pink as the dawn broke over the horizon. He squinted his eyes looking into it. For just a moment, the city seemed at peace as the light came over it.
That peace, however, was soon broken by the drawling voice of his… mentor? Former mentor? Akutagawa wasn’t sure anymore. He tried to tune the droning sound out, but it kept getting louder.
“Akutagawa, are you even listening to me?” Dazai asked. He had a soft smirk on his face that Akutagawa knew not to trust. “The two of you actually did well today. We may make a decent team of you yet.”
If Dazai hadn’t broken the peace, then the whining sound of his rival definitely would have. “Sure, when he’s not trying to kill me, it’s great,” Atsushi grumbled.
Dazai chuckled lightly. “See? You’re coming along,” he said. “Now Atsushi, it’s about time for you to be getting ready for work, unless we want to be facing Kunikida’s wrath. And Akutagawa, you should probably be getting to bed. When was the last time you slept anyways?”
That’s none of your damn business, Akutagawa wanted to grunt, yet something about Dazai always turned him back into that obedient little child soldier. “Yes, sir,” he replied softly, his heart not really into it.
Truth be told, sleep had been difficult lately. Between the pain in his lungs and the distracting thoughts about Dazai and Atsushi, he could barely get any rest. He told himself that the sleep deprivation would affect his performance in the field, but that only seemed to make him more anxious, adding to his sleep troubles.
Dazai put a hand on his shoulder, and Akutagawa startled so bad he nearly collapsed. His muscles tensed uncomfortably under the touch, screaming at him to run, but Akutagawa suppressed the instinct while Dazai pretended not to notice. “Something’s coming, Akutagawa. And when it does, you need to be in your best shape.”
Akutagawa swallowed back the heavy lump in his throat and simply nodded, not trusting his voice not to break on him. He just wanted Dazai’s hand off of him. Don’t look weak, don’t look weak, his mind repeated over and over like a mantra. After a moment, blessedly, Dazai removed his hand, and the weight on his chest eased up.
Dazai turned his attention back to Atsushi. “And you-” he began, reaching his hand out towards Atsushi’s head. Akutagawa didn’t hear the rest over the sound of blood rushing to his head. Everything went fuzzy as he saw Dazai reach for Atsushi, and suddenly, he wasn’t thinking about only Atsushi anymore. His mind returned to the kid he’d once been, beaten down and terrified of his mentor. Without thinking, Akutagawa’s body moved forwards. Rashomon wouldn’t work. He had to act fast. He took a few running steps forwards and grabbed Dazai’s wrist, pulling his hand backwards.
Dazai froze, staring at Akutagawa with a baffled look, forehead scrunched up. It was a rare sight. Akutagawa easily sidestepped, placing himself in between Dazai and Atsushi. He stood there, tense and trembling slightly, while Dazai’s brain slowly caught up the the situation. His expression changed, eyes growing sad and distant. He dropped his hand to his side. “Akutagawa, it’s okay,” Dazai said softly. “I wasn’t going to hurt him.”
And somehow, that was worse. Akutagawa’s throat felt as if it were closing up. Of course he wasn’t going to hurt Atsushi, the golden boy who was superior to Akutagawa in every way. “Oh,” he choked out, staring down at his feet, not wanting to see the expressions Dazai and Atsushi were making at him. “I see.”
He walked a few steps away from Dazai and Atsushi, then took off running. “Akutagawa, wait!” Dazai called out after him, but he didn’t stop. Horrifyingly, tears began to blur the edges of his vision. He couldn’t let them see him this weak.
Akutagawa was sitting on a bench by the water’s edge when Atsushi found him. Something cold and unpleasant had dropped into his stomach, and the feeling was coiling tighter around his chest. He wasn’t even sure if he was breathing. It all just hurt on the inside.
“Hey,” Atsushi said, sitting next to him. “Thought I might find you here.”
“Why are you here, Weretiger?” Akutagawa asked, voice gruff. “Don’t you have work?”
“Dazai’s covering for me,” Atsushi explained. “He owed me after all the paperwork I’ve done for him.”
Akutagawa simply nodded, not trusting his voice to say anything else. He sounded like a weak mess.
“Want to tell me why you were so upset you ran off?” Atsushi pushed.
“Not really,” Akutagawa replied quietly.
Atsushi sighed and leaned back. “You know, you’re probably talking to the one person who would understand,” he continued. Akutagawa huffed and rolled his eyes. “I’m serious. Just this once, I’m not judging.”
Well, what did he have to loose? It wasn’t as if Atsushi was a stranger to abuse.
“I thought…” Akutagawa started. “I thought Dazai was going to hit you.”
“Because he used to hit you?” Atsushi guessed.
Akutagawa nodded. “It was supposed to be for my own good. To make me stronger. And for so long, I believed that.”
“That’s what my headmaster used to tell me,” Atsushi admitted.
And if Atsushi’s headmaster was wrong for that then maybe… was Dazai…?
“Dazai is gentle with you,” Akutagawa pressed on. “He does more than acknowledge you. He cares about you and trains you with kindness. So what was so wrong with me that all I deserved was pain?”
Atsushi looked stricken, like if Dazai had hit him after all. “Akutagawa… it was never about what you deserved.”
Akutagawa turned to look at him. “What do you mean?”
“You think he hurt you because you deserved it,” Atsushi said. “But I know that’s not true because I used to think my headmaster hurt me because I deserved it, and that was wrong. He hurt you because you were a kid who either couldn’t or wouldn’t fight back, and because he’d been hurting and only knew how to take it out on you. There was never anything wrong with you, Akutagawa, but there was something wrong with Dazai.”
“So harsh towards your mentor,” Akutagawa replied, sidestepping the heaviest stuff.
Atsushi shrugged. “Maybe? But it’s true. Dazai’s changed. He’s a good person now, and he’s helped me a lot, but that doesn’t change the past.”
Tears began to prickle at Akutagawa’s eyes again, and he quickly moved to wipe them away. He hadn’t cried in so long, yet here he was doing it twice in one day. Awkwardly, Atsushi shifted closer and put an arm around his shoulders and oh it felt so good. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been hugged. Even he and his sister had stopped sharing quite as much touch as they’d been trained to become violent and touch became associated with pain. Akutagawa surprised himself by leaning in. He needed the warmth Atsushi was providing with a primal force.
Now that the tears had started, they wouldn’t stop, and soon tears turned into full on sobs. Yet throughout it all, Atsushi never said anything. He didn’t look at Akutagawa in disgust or shove him away. He just let him cry it all out until Akutagawa was empty. Wether it was because Atsushi actually cared or just his incessant need to save everyone, he didn’t care right now. He’d take whatever he could get. The cold feeling in his stomach began to dissipate, and his chest felt a thousand times lighter.
Atsushi didn’t know what Akutagawa was to him anymore.
When Dazai had reached out to him, Atsushi had known that he was just going to pat his head like he always did, which is why he didn’t understand why Akutagawa had grabbed onto Dazai so suddenly the way he did. At first, Atsushi even thought it could be a fit of jealousy, but when he saw the way Akutagawa had taken a defensive position in between him and Dazai, it didn’t make since.
Also, Akutagawa was shaking. The man who was never afraid of anything, suddenly terrified of Dazai?
After that, everything clicked into place. Atsushi was so overcome with emotion that his knees buckled, and he plopped down to the ground.
Over time, the relationship between him and Akutagawa had gotten less tense, almost supportive even. Atsushi felt like Akutagawa was the one person who truly saw him and understood him. Akutagawa, in his own unique way, encouraged him to overcome his headmaster-shaped demons and become better.
And yet this whole time, Akutagawa had been unable to do the same with his own Dazai-shaped demons.
Once Akutagawa was gone, Dazai sat down next to him. “Are you okay?” he asked.
Atsushi nodded. “He thought you were going to hit me, didn’t he?”
Dazai hesitated for a moment. “Yes,” he answered.
“You used to hit him, didn’t you?”
The question hung heavy in the air for a few moments. “Yes,” Dazai finally whispered.
Atsushi turned to look at Dazai. Usually the man didn’t let many emotions show unless it was to his advantage, but his face betrayed the deep regret he must have been feeling. “You know, I thought he hated me,” Atsushi said. “But nobody has ever protected me like that before, so maybe he doesn’t hate me.”
“If he ever hated you, it’s entirely my fault,” Dazai replied.
“I need to talk to him,” Atsushi decided, standing up.
“Go,” Dazai. “I’ll figure out something to tell Kunikida.”
Now, sitting on a bench with Akutagawa leaning into him and crying himself out, Atsushi felt the last piece of ice in his heart towards him melt. Something was changing, but it was a good change. “You know, you’ve always been there for me,” Atsushi said. “Let me be there for you sometimes.”
Akutagawa nodded. Atsushi could feel the movement against his chest. All the fight had drained out of the other boy, and he lay limp against Atsushi. It was nice, he realized, to be trusted with such vulnerability. “I could tell Dazai that we’d like to train with Kunikida from now on,” he suggested. “He taught me most of my fighting skills.”
“No,” Akutagawa replied, voice hoarse. “Dazai is the smartest, so he’s the most logical choice. Besides… I’d like to not be scared of him anymore.”
“Alright. We’ll keep training with Dazai,” Atsushi agreed. “I suppose I should thank you for trying to protect me.”
“No need to thank me,” Akutagawa replied. “I didn’t protect you from anything.”
“Well, that’s not necessarily true,” Atsushi said, head tilted in contemplation. “You were ready to go up against your own personal bogeyman for me.”
At that, Akutagawa actually snorted. “Bogeyman? Really?”
Atsushi cracked a smile. It was nice to hear Alutagawa’s almost-laugh. “Sure. Why not?”
“Great. Now that’s all I’m going to be thinking about in training, Jinko,” Akutagawa responded playfully.
“Glad I can amuse you,” Atsushi replied. “Listen, I meant it when I said thanks. Nobody has ever protected me the way you have before. It means a lot to me.”
“You are welcome then,” Akutagawa replied.
“Now, I’m starving. Want to go get breakfast with me?” Atsushi asked.
“Yes,” Akutagawa agreed, surprising Atsushi by how quickly he was willing to go. “Where did you have in mind?”
When Akutagawa got home later, he found Gin in the kitchen, washing dishes and humming away. He walked up behind her, footsteps loud enough so as not to sneak up on her, and wrapped his arms around her from behind.
Gin shifted around in his arms so that she could face him and return the hug, leaning her head into his shoulder as well. “Is everything okay, Ryuunosuke?” she asked.
“It is now, Gin,” he replied. “It is now.”