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It’s before six am when Felix wakes up. He knows it’s before six because Hyunjin is still sleeping, so their alarm can’t have gone off yet. Felix should go back to sleep, his limbs feel heavy, and his eyes burn every time he blinks, but his body has other plans, feeling like he was run over by something.
There are little aches everywhere in his body and he feels faint even though he’s laying down. He can normally manage his health issues pretty well, but he seems to be on a decline this week. So he should’ve expected this, but nothing can prepare him for waking up and feeling so bad that he worries he’s actually dying.
His body aches when he sits up, slowly to hopefully not pass out. He still feels something pop behind his forehead and pressure in his chest at the change of position. Lack of enough sleep and water for the last few days always does that to him. He forgets because he feels better, not realizing that he feels better because he took care of himself. And then he wakes up feeling like this and feels like the biggest idiot on the planet when he realizes that he did it to himself.
He slowly stands up, staying there for a moment while pressing a hand into his forehead and squeezing his eyes shut while waiting for the dizziness to pass. When it’s mostly gone, he drags himself into the kitchen and leans on the counter. The clock on the microwave says that it’s just after five, so Felix decides to take a shower and try to force down some breakfast before the others wake up.
Showering is hard on these days; every time he bends over, he almost loses his balance because a dizzy spell hits him. He’s been awake for less than ten minutes, but he is already sick of the feeling, so he just pushes through and pretends it isn’t real. Something is messing with his sleep, which messes with his health. It doesn’t help that he keeps forgetting to drink water or have enough salt. Getting dehydrated is a recipe for disaster.
His ears are ringing when he gets out of the shower, along with the pressure in his head and chest and a feeling that the room is tilting. So he lies down on the floor for a while, really not wanting to fall and hit his head on the tiles. When he takes care of himself, he can go for weeks without fainting, but the moment he slips with managing whatever this is, it feels like he’s moments away from fainting all day.
When he feels well enough, he goes through the same process to get up again. Slowly sitting up, waiting, slowly standing up, leaning on something, and hoping for the best, then he can start getting dressed. Once again, whenever he bends over, something pops in his forehead and chest, and he loses his balance, but he was expecting it, so he grabbed the sink before he fell over.
Back in the kitchen, he has a banana and a handful of salty potato chips before chugging a tall glass of water. Then he takes his too many pills like every other morning. None of them are for treating whatever is making him feel like this, his doctors can’t seem to figure out what is wrong. So he takes a few different supplements and two different antidepressants, because apparently one isn’t enough for his brain.
He is tired and achy and dizzy, so he goes to sit on the couch for the remaining twenty minutes before six am. The dorm will be filled with noise and movement soon, and he’ll be questioned about why he looks so sick, and they will all know the answer, but none of them can do anything. If he had a diagnosis, he might be able to get out of practice on these days, but he doesn’t have one, so he can’t.
He's been through every test he knew existed and some he didn’t know existed, and everything comes back showing that he’s healthy. The only tests that showed something abnormal was a deficiency in a few vitamins, but that has been corrected with supplements. He keeps getting worse, and he left to his own devices, googling things every day, and trying to find someone who can give him an answer.
Felix is sitting on his laptop, doing just that when Hyunjin appears in the kitchen, looking half asleep as he just stands there like a big question mark. He hasn’t spotted Felix, but the moment he does, he will know that Felix is in an episode, and will no doubt try to cheer him up all day. He loves Hyunjin, and he loves him for trying, but sometimes it’s better to just pretend that it isn’t happening.
Hyunjin is adorable where he stands, messy hair, puffy face, and distant eyes. Then he looks at Felix, and he lights up with a smile and shuffles over to him. Without much warning, Hyunjin takes the laptop from Felix to put it on the table and falls into his lap. He has a hard time waking up in the morning, so Felix knows that he will fall asleep again if he lets him stay there.
“Want me to make you coffee?” Felix asks, he’s actually not that bad at making coffee even though he never drinks it. Hyunjin groans, and Felix laughs, interpreting it as a yes. Gently making Hyunjin move from his lap, Felix gets up from the couch. He forgets to be careful and feels like he is hit by a wall when he stands up. His vision whites out, ears ringing and the pressure in his chest makes him feel like he can’t breathe.
He is vaguely aware of someone grabbing him and making him sit down, but he can’t do anything to tell them that he’s not completely gone. He can hear and feel what is happening, not completely passing out, but far enough gone that he might as well be unconscious.
It doesn’t take long before he can open his eyes, staring at the floor. Hyunjin has sat him down with his head between his knees, and he’s crouched beside him with a hand on his upper back as if to hold him in place.
“You’re okay, Lix. Are you with me?” Hyunjin asks, and knowing him, he’s probably noticed the difference in Felix’s breathing, telling him that he’s out of the fog. Felix barely nods and closes his eyes again, just wanting to go to sleep. He’s suddenly so tired that it hurts, his body screaming at him not to be conscious.
“Okay, just stay here, I’ll get you some water.” Hyunjin says, as if Felix has any choice but to stay on the floor. Hyunjin is only up for a moment before he’s back by Felix’s side. He knows that he should have the water, so he slowly lifts his head to look at Hyunjin. When he goes to grab the glass, his hand is shaking so badly that he would just spill it everywhere, so Hyunjin holds it to his lips instead.
Felix doesn’t feel very thirsty, but as soon as water passes his lips, he is so thirsty that he can’t stop. “Careful.” Hyunjin says, but Felix doesn’t listen, gulping down the water like he’s starving for it. It leaves him feeling a little bloated, but he knows that it will help him in the long run. “Or not.” Hyunjin chuckles, setting down the empty glass.
“I’m okay.” Felix says, lying straight through his teeth. They both know that he isn’t, and soon the whole group will know too, but Felix still tries to say that he is. It’s a knee jerk reaction, he just has to say it even if he knows it’s no use. Hyunjin just smiles at him, letting him have it because he knows the truth no matter what Felix says.
“I’ll get us some breakfast.” Hyunjin says, and Felix chooses not to mention that he’s already had some. Hyunjin would still make him eat, and Felix didn’t have enough food to get him through practice. But no amount of food can get him through practice, that isn’t the problem.
Hyunjin lifts Felix over to the couch, and Felix is glad, he doesn’t trust his legs to carry him yet. He sinks into the couch cushions and closes his eyes, suddenly feeling how much pain he’s in. There’s an ache all over his body that feels like it’s just below his skin. It’s unlike muscle pain or fever ache, this is more like a stretching ache, and it feels like it’s everywhere and nowhere at once.
He's so lost in the feeling that he jumps when Hyunjin sits down beside him, holding two plates of food in his hands. “Eggs for salt, fruit for hydration and chocolate for enjoyment.” Hyunjin says, handing Felix one of the plates. Felix has to admit that it looks good, scrambled eggs on toast, slices of strawberries and watermelon, and a small piece of chocolate for dessert. Hyunjin knows what he needs on days like today.
They eat while making small talk, and the rest of the members filter in one by one, getting their own breakfast and coffee without bothering the two. Hyunjin has made himself a cup of coffee, but Felix just has a refill of his glass of water. Even if he liked coffee, it would only dehydrate him when he already struggles enough with be hydrated.
“We’re leaving now.” Chan says, suddenly standing right behind the couch and scaring Felix again. Chan doesn’t look suspicious, so maybe none of the others have noticed anything out of the normal yet. Felix won’t tell him, and he hopes that Hyunjin won’t either. He wants to hold onto normalcy for as long as he can. As soon as they know, they will treat him like he’s made of glass, and it will only make Felix feel sicker.
“We’ll be right there.” Hyunjin says, and Chan leaves to presumably finish getting ready. It leaves the two of them alone in the living room again. Hyunjin gets up with their plates, going to put them in the kitchen. Felix gets up to join him, only to forget again that he should be careful and feeling his heart jump into his throat. He sits back down and lies on his back, focusing on breathing until his heart calms down.
“Did you forget again?” Hyunjin says from somewhere in the room, probably knowing exactly what happened just from seeing the position Felix is in. Felix opens his eyes to glare at him, but Hyunjin only laughs, undeterred by his false annoyance. “You keep doing that.” Hyunjin says with a shake of the head, pointing it out as if Felix doesn’t know.
“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Felix says, and when he gets up this time, he does it the right way. When he stands up his knees are hurting, and it feels like it comes from the bones, like there are nails in them. This really is not a good day. He has no clue how he’s supposed to dance like this, but he’s done it before.
. . .
As expected, Felix’s legs start burning much sooner than normal. He’s already gasping for breath before the first chorus and they’re barely one song in when he’s ready to lie down and never get back up. The weird pain in his legs is getting worse, so is the pressure in his chest and the popping in his head. At least the burning in his lungs distract him for a moment.
But then he has to do a particular move close to the floor before jumping to his feet, and the world tilts, making him stumble into someone. Felix grabs onto whoever it is to steady himself, giving himself a moment to regain his bearings before doing anything else. When he looks up, he sees that he stumbled into Seungmin, and he is holding onto Felix as tightly as Felix is holding onto him.
“Are you okay?” Seungmin asks, a deep crease between his brows betraying his concern. Everyone else are looking at them too, but Hyunjin is the only one who looks knowingly at them. Felix shakes his head and lets out a small laugh, as if he’s just as confused as the rest of them.
“Yeah, sorry, just lost my balance. I’m tired.” Felix says, letting go of Seungmin now that he can stand on his own without potentially falling. Seungmin looks at him for another moment before smiling ang nodding, buying the lie. It is never hard to believe that any one of them are tired, and everyone knows that Felix has a habit of staying up late to watch dramas sometimes. They probably just think that he did that last night.
“Aren’t we all?” Seungmin says, and there’s a few agreements around the room even though he didn’t ask them. Felix nods too, his eyes landing on Hyunjin who looks like he strongly disagrees with Felix’s lie. But Felix wants to be treated like a normal person, even though it feels like he’s made of glass.
“Yeah.” Felix says, and they go back to practice. Hyunjin keeps glancing at him, looking seconds away from pulling Felix away to talk to him. And Felix almost wishes that he would, he’s so tired and dizzy, his body is screaming at him to slow down, but he can’t stop. He should just tell them that he doesn’t feel well, they wouldn’t mind it if he lied down for a while, but he’s bad at asking for help, and no better at accepting it.
They go through the song a few more times before taking a break, and Felix stumbles over to the cabinets to get a cup of water. He uses it as an excuse to have something to lean on while he waits for the ringing in his ears to let up. It subsides but doesn’t completely go away. He feels oddly woozy, like he’s floating but also heavy. Hyunjin suddenly appear at his side, wrapping an arm around his waist, and Felix melts into his touch.
“Are you feeling okay?” Hyunjin says, keeping his voice low so the others won’t hear. Other than the obvious ‘not okay’ of being in an episode, Felix doesn’t feel like he’s going to pass out right this moment. That is the closest to okay he can get right now. He should say no and ask to go home, but for some reason, he doesn’t.
“Yes.” Felix tries to say it confidently, but his voice is weak and he’s pretty sure that he’s slightly swaying. He might actually pass out soon if he isn’t careful, and in a desperate attempt to stop it, he refills his cup with water and forces it down his throat.
“It’s okay if you’re not, you know.” Hyunjin says, being so sweet and understanding. But it’s not okay. Felix did this to himself, he got lazy and stopped taking care of himself properly, and now he’s back here, and it’s only his fault. He won’t let his own stupidity hold everyone back from practicing properly.
“I’m fine!” Felix says a little too loudly and goes back to where the group is waiting for them, ready to go back to practicing. Sitting on his ass back at the dorm and feeling sorry for himself isn’t going to help anyway. He will feel like shit no matter what he does, so he might as well push through it to do something he likes to do. He must’ve said it louder than he realized because ethe whole group is looking between the two of them, waiting for an explanation.
“You’re not fine, Felix.” Hyunjin says, and the whole group hears it. Felix turns to glare at Hyunjin, they weren’t supposed to know. He feels betrayed. It’s up to him who he wants to know, it is not up to Hyunjin. If he wants to be stupid and run himself into the ground, he should be able to do so, no matter how desperate Hyunjin is to stop him.
“If you don’t feel good, you should sit down for a while.” Changbin says, and he’s just trying to be nice, but it doesn’t help. Felix is at a loss for words, trying to figure out what to say to get out of this. He just wants to practice, is that too much to ask?
“I never feel good!” Felix snaps, and he’s immediately on the verge of tears because it’s true. Even though he can manage whatever is wrong with him most of the time, he doesn’t remember what it’s like to wake up without pain, or go through a day without dizzy spells, or have enough energy to do everything he wants to do. He’s so sick of it, and no one knows what’s wrong with him.
And now he’s crying, and his ears are ringing again, and there’s pressure in his chest and pain in every part of his body and his head might explode. And he doesn’t know how it feels to not feel this every day. He just wants one day of being okay, just to get a break, but he can’t even have that.
Hyunjin hugs him, and Felix presses his face into his chest, trying not to sob as loudly as his throat wants to. It’s embarrassing, and exhausting, and it does nothing to convince everyone that he’s okay. It takes all of his willpower and energy, but he manages to pull himself together after a few minutes, wiping away the remaining tears and avoiding eye contact with anyone.
“Can I please just do something normal?” Felix says, he needs the normalcy to be okay. The group agrees, probably pitying him, but Felix will take it none the less. They go back to practice without any more protests or questions, and Felix realizes almost immediately that it was a bad idea. Because in all of their choreographies, there is spinning and moving up and down and bending over, and all of it adds to how bad he feels.
In less than three songs, Felix feels like he will collapse at any moment. His movements are slow, body heavy, the ringing in his ears is louder than ever, and there are white spots in his vision. He figures that he has two choices; faceplant the floor or admit defeat. He would prefer the latter. And as soon as the decision is made, he just stops dancing and grabs onto to closest person, Hyunjin.
“Woah, are you okay?” Hyunjin says in surprise, stumbling a little before grabbing Felix and steadying him. Everything is white and wrapped in cotton, and Felix just wishes that he’d lose consciousness already, he feels so sick. He should say something, let Hyunjin know how he feels, or sit down on the floor, but he can’t figure out how to move.
“No.” Felix sounds faint, but that might just be to his own ears. He feels like everything is moving in slow motion, and he feels his body moving, but he isn’t the one doing it. He hears Hyunjin’s voice, but it’s like hearing it through water, he can’t make sense of it.
Felix suddenly feels something hard pressing into his back, and something soft touching his arm. The touch makes his skin prickle with goosebumps, further waking him up. He’s suddenly aware that something is holding his legs up into the air, and it makes him feel so disoriented on top of the confusion he already feels.
There are voices all around him, and he figures that he should let them know that he’s awake, so he opens his eyes for a moment before they’re forced shut again. It feels like too much of an effort to keep them open, like he’s trying to do it in his sleep, his body is still so heavy.
“He’s waking up.” Someone says, Felix can’t place the voice, but at least he can make out the words now. He suddenly realizes that he passed out, that’s why he’s on the floor and someone is holding up his legs. He’s so tired that he just wants to go to sleep, but the more time passes, the more awake he feels, and soon it’s easier to keep his eyes open.
“There you are.” Hyunjin says, the one sitting beside him and stroking a hand up and down his arm. Felix groans and closes his eyes for another moment, wishing that he could go to sleep, but the ache below his skin doesn’t let him relax. He is rudely forced awake by his body.
“I’m sorry.” Felix says, or more like whispers, and he has no idea what he’s apologizing for. It just feels like the right thing to say, even though he knows that no one will accept the apology. He’s still laying on the floor, and it’s making him feel vulnerable, but he isn’t sure if sitting up is a good idea yet. At least Jisung has set down his legs so he’s lying flat on his back now.
“You have nothing to apologize for.” Hyunjin says, just like expected. “Do you want me to help you sit up?” He asks, and Felix nods. Sliding an arm under Felix’s shoulders, Hyunjin carefully lifts him up. Felix’s head spins, so he tilts to the side into Hyunjin’s chest and closes his eyes. He will never get used to feeling like his heart explodes in his chest.
“I’m not telling you what to do, but you should lie down for a while.” Minho says, contradicting himself in trying to say the right thing. “It’s no problem to practice without you, we’ll just leave your spot open.” He continues to convince him, but Felix has no problem with listening, he wouldn’t even get through one verse in this condition. He might be stupid, but not that stupid.
“Yeah.” Felix says, met by surprised looks that let him know that maybe he is that stupid. He probably should’ve admitted defeat a while ago, but he always feels like shit, so it’s hard to tell how bad it is until something like this happens. But he isn’t blind, he knows that he has reached his limit.
Hyunjin scoops him up into his arms, easily carrying him over to the couch in the corner and laying Felix down. Felix curls up on his side, trying to make himself as small as possible as if that will protect him. But it’s his own body hurting him, there is no escape. Even in his sleep, he’s aware of how bad he feels. Sometimes he forgets for a moment, only for it to hit him like a brick when forgetting leads to doing something that triggers it.
Rather than going back to the group, Hyunjin sits down on the floor in front of Felix’s face and looks at him with a frown. Felix prepares for a scolding, sure that it’s coming. But that isn’t what Hyunjin says. “You look sad.” He says instead, making Felix aware that he is fighting back tears again. He’s just so tired of being sick and having no clue what is wrong or when he will feel better.
“Why does this keep happening?” Felix says, voicing the thing that been repeating in his head all day. “Can’t I just have one day of feeling better?” His voice cracks, and Hyunjin leans in to hug him as best as he can. The angle is awkward, but Felix instantly relaxes when he’s surrounded by Hyunjin.
“We will figure this out.” Hyunjin says, and he sounds so sure of it that Felix believes him. He knows that Hyunjin won’t stop until they’ve been to every doctor and taken every test and found a solution. It’s been less than a year since he started passing out, but he keeps getting worse, so he worries about how bad it will get. But at some point, it has to be bad enough that someone will figure it out. He has to believe that.
“Okay.” Felix says, trying to listen to what Hyunjin is saying. It’s easy to get pulled into the dark thoughts, but he can’t lose hope. Hope is what keeps him searching for an answer, and he is not ready to give up on that.
“You stay here for as long as you need and watch me learn new choreography and look like an idiot.” Hyunjin says, bringing a smile to Felix’s face. Hyunjin never looks like an idiot while dancing, no matter how much he’s struggling with new choreography, he somehow manages to look like he’s doing it with intention.
“You always look beautiful.” Felix says, not sure if that’s what he meant to say, but it gets the message across. Hyunjin just smiles at him and goes back to the group, going back to practice. Felix watches them for a while before the music and rhythmic sounds of shoes against the floor start making him feel sleepy. And he does not care about fighting it, closing his eyes and waiting to be pulled down by sleep.