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Ghost prided herself on being a proper Palisman.
She had been in the Blight Family for oh…several humans now. She knew they had numbers and years and things, but she never much bothered.
Ghost had been sad when Jerdal had died. He had been a good witch, a good Construction Coven member. She had skipped over the hunching brown-haired one and the mean green one. And the twins. The twins were much too loud.
Amity though, Amity had interested Ghost. She could be prim and proper. But also fierce like a cat. And she valued her choice. Cats liked freedom.
It was only after bonding with Amity that Ghost found out about The Human.
The Human was…well Ghost's first experience had been when The Human was ill. And so Ghost tried not to judge. Besides they had left quickly to go find some key or blood or something. They had fought The Shouty Yellow One. The Shouty Yellow One had a very nice Palisman named Flapjack.
Afterward though, afterward, Ghost had met The Human properly.
The Human was…loud. And enthusiastic. And loud. And constantly trying to hug Ghost.
"Wahwahwahwahwahwah" The Human would say, trying to squeeze Ghost close. Ghost was lucky she didn't have lungs.
"Help me Amity," Ghost begged. "Make her stop."
Apparently, the sacred bond between Palisman and Witch meant less than it used to because Amity only giggled.
"Careful Ghost," Amity said. "She's a hugger!"
"TRAITOR," cried Ghost. "A THOUSAND TIMES A TRAITOR!"
Further interactions with The Human hadn't been all that much better, on the occasion they met. The Human remained rather loud and irritating.
The reasoning behind Amity's betrayal also became clear. She had formed a romantic attachment to The Human. This was not the first time Ghost had to deal with her bonded forming romantic attachments. It was always trouble, in Ghost's opinion. It led to Palismen being ignored, and worse children. But, she had learned the hard way before that meddling in such a way led to nothing good.
Then there was that whole business with the Devourer of Palismans. Amity had fought the Devourer of Palismans. This was good, as Ghost appreciated her bonded's willingness to fight. But also bad because every instinct told Ghost to go far far far away from the Devourer of Palismans.
And then, somehow, they had all wound up in the Human Realm.
The Large Human had taken them in, along with the Basilisk Who Was Sometimes Human. So that was nice. And many days The Human had to go elsewhere leaving only the witches and the Palismens. And blissful silence. Blissful blissful silence. The other Palismans were, thankfully, a fairly reasonable bunch.
Emmiline Bailey Marcostimo was some sort of chameleon thing. His name was ridiculously long but he insisted on being called it, and Ghost was nothing if not polite. Emmiline Bailey Marcostimo was bonded to the Small Illusion One and was a bit eccentric at times. But not in a disreputable sort of way. Weird knowledge and weird ways of flying, but nothing that would make the neighbors talk.
Clover the Bee was Bonded to the Plant One. Clover was kind and generous and honestly very sweet. Ghost liked her. Apparently Plant One had some history with Amity that had caused issues. Which was a great shame, because Clover really was very nice.
And then there was Flapjack. All of these Palismans were old. Ghost had been passed down from Blight to Blight. Clover and Emmiline Bailey Marcostimo had been Orphans of the Bat Queen. As had Flapjack. But Flapjack was *old*. Clover said that he had been with the Bat Queen for as long as any Palisman there could remember. Flapjack was nice enough but had a few awkward habits. For one he was always saying dated things like Thee and Thou and other such words. And he was fiercely protective of his Bonded, the Yellow Shouty One. Every Palisman worried about their bonded, of course, such was the way of things. But Flapjack bordered on Paranoid, barely ever letting the Yellow Shouty One out of his sight. All he would say was something about 'not letting it happen again.'
The Human had carved some Palismanwood as well. A very rare thing in this day and age. But for some indiscernible reason, she had carved an Egg. An Egg that would take time to hatch. Ghost really had no real idea what to make of that other than that the entire idea was stupid and dumb.
And so they had spent a good few weeks in the Human Realm. But all good things must come to an end. Flapjack had spent weeks pecking at the ground in a small human lodging before unleashing a box of some sort. Ghost was intrigued, but would have preferred it not to have been revealed in a way that caused Amity to trip.
Unfortunately, the Yellow Shouty One had begun to act strangely. Even for a Witch. So strangely that Flapjack was concerned. And Flapjack thought the Yellow Shouty One was the greatest thing ever.
And then…well the Yellow Shouty One had somehow turned into the Devourer of Palismans. And then killed Flapjack. And then left the Yellow Shouty One. Ghost still wasn't sure what had happened there. But it was absolutely terrifying. And then there was a portal back home and everything was happening so quickly.
The House of the Tube was quite strange without Medium Rodent, Owl Beast Witch, and The Tube That Should Not Have Been Allowed To Exist. Quiet, mercifully quiet, but quite strange.
Amity had been very sweet and explained the story of how they had bonded to The Human, who was sad about her Egg-Palisman not hatching. Ghost was of course proud of her bonded for bonding with her, but thought that there was another issue in play.
"Wahwahwahwah," said the Human.
"Maybe if she had actually carved an animal instead of an egg, it would be active," Ghost had told Amity. “Have you tried telling her this?”
Amity had not even given a response.
Ugh. Witches and their love. Useless.
From there, things only escalated. They had returned to the school. Where Pink Fire Triclops was in charge. Then they fought Pink Fire Triclops, which was a shame because her Palisman was Cancerina and Ghost had always liked Cancerina.
And then there was some more fighting and then something truly terrible happened. Something that would scar Ghost for life.
The Human's Egg hatched.
It was something called a Snakeshifter. Which Ghost was pretty sure was a rude word for Basilisk. Like, very offensive. And the Palismen's name was Stringbean. How infuriatingly cute.
Ghost had hated her the moment she laid eyes on her.
Sadly her initial efforts to catch Stringbean and put an end to the menace had failed, and so Ghost had to listen to her inane prattle.
"Hi everyone my name is Stringbrean hiiiiiiiiii everyone I mean I know only Palismans can hear me say this but stillllll hiiiiiiii oh and luz can understand me this is luz btw my bonded did you know she's a human she's apparently like a human which is like a witch without a bilesack and with round ears and ooooohhhh isn't this soooooooo exciting we're all here together and I can shapeshift do you wanna see me shapeshift…"
And it just went on and on and on like that.
There had been something after that, the Devourer of Palismans finally going down and also a Small Star Child but Ghost had been preoccupied with how annoying Stringbean was. It was a shame that the Devourer of Palismans hadn’t taken Stringbean down with him.
And it only got worse from there. So much worse.
Because Amity and The Human were still dating. And that meant Ghost had to see Stringbean all the time. And the stupid thing wouldn't stop talking.
"Oh wow so you're purple head's palisman huh well I'm luz's palisman did you know thaaaat well they're dating luz and purple head I mean so we’re gonna see a lot of each other yaaaaaaayyy oh my titan we are going have so much fun ghostie can I call you ghostie?” For example.
“No,” said Ghost.
“Ok G-Sizzle,” Stringbean had replied as if that wasn’t worse.
Ghost hadn’t been this irritated with anyone since…well she had first met The Human. She supposed. But at least The Human had the excuse of being The Human, they never had any idea about anything ever. But Stringbean was a Palisman, she should know better than this!
Yes, she had just hatched. But when Ghost had first been carved she had the common sense not to babble endlessly to everyone she met.
And for all that talk there was so little substance. No appreciation for fine art or a fine hunt. The shapeshifting also got annoying. Several times Ghost had thought she’d escaped the incessant babble only for a dust bunny, lizard, or rock to turn into Stringbean.
“Surprise surprise ghost were you surprised i was hiding see cause im a shapeshifter i can change shape isnt that so cool didja see it didja see it?”
Ghost’s claws gripped the floor.
"Yes Stringbean I saw," Ghost sighed. "I did see you. Just like the last time. And the time before that."
Stringbean also had no sense of the concept of privacy. Many, many, times Ghost tried to take a nap in a friendly sunbeam.
It wasn't just on matters of Palismans that Stringbean was painfully, painfully lacking. She also just didn't get witches. Which was understandable. But it was at a different level.
Once she had come barreling into the room screaming about how Amity had disappeared and how The Human was hugging someone different. Ghost had naturally sprinted off to investigate. Amity's hair dye had run out briefly and apparently Stringbean hadn't figured out it was the same person.
There were times when Amity and The Human wished to be alone. They weren't doing anything untoward, Ghost would never have stood for such a thing. But Ghost had learned from prior bonding that kissing was a private activity in most cases.
Stringbean, it seemed, had not.
"Luz luz are you ok you closed the door again are you ok the purple head is in their too are you both ok hello hello im worried luz I miss you i miss you so so so much!!!!!" Stringbean cried.
Amity poked her head out of the door. Face bright red. Ghost had been around the Blights for generations, she knew the tomato look quite well.
"Ghost," She hissed. "Could you uh?"
Ghost nodded.
"Whetted she say whatted she say?" Stringbean asked as Ghost herded her away. "Did you ask her where luz is I miss her a lot lot a lot!"
Unfortunately, on every matter relating to Stringbean, Ghost's bonded remained a dirty rotten traitor who deserved prison and shame for ten thousand thousand years.
"Please talk to The Human," Ghost begged. "Please just get her to get that thing to stop talking. Just for a moment please."
"I'm sorry Ghost," Amity said. "But you're just going to have to learn to get along with Stringbean. I know that enthusiasm can be an…acquired taste. But if you put some effort into it you might find out it was worth it.
Ghost seriously doubted that. But she still had one last card to play.
"If you do this I will allow you to dress me up in costumes and post photos on your penstagram."
Amity considered. This was was a major concession on Ghost's part. But ultimately she shook her head.
With Amity out of the picture, Ghost needed to go to the other option: The Human. The only problem was, of course, she could not speak to The Human and The Human could not speak to her. So there this was going to take some effort.
"WahWah," said The Human.
"Human," Ghost said. "I know you cannot understand me. But we need to talk about Stringbean. I will attempt to show you what I mean."
"WahWahWahWahWah," The Human replied.
Ghost braced herself and began to do her best impression of Stringbean. All wiggly and wild and chatty.
The Human laughed. Ghost was not sure if this was a good sign or not.
"WahWahWah," The Human supplied.
Ghost sat on her haunches and moved her forpaws up and down. She'd seen this used by Amity to say calm down.
"Please calm Stringbean down," Ghost said.
"WahWahWahWahWahWah," The Human squealed. "WahWahWahWahWahWahWahWah."
"She has become very annoying," Ghost said, shaking her head.
"WahWahWahWahWahWahWah," The Human replied. The large grin on her face was all Ghost needed to figure out that this approach had failed miserably.
It was time for another approach.
Ghost couldn't talk to The Human. But she could, regrettably, talk to Stringbean. And Stringbean could talk to The Human.
The issue was finding a way to communicate through Stringbean without actually telling Stringbean what was being said. For all her distaste, Ghost did not want to hurt the poor soul.
"Alright Stringbean," Ghost said. "Let's go over this one more time."
"Okey dokey gosh this so exciting man I am so happy to be doing this with you its like a play and we're actors doing acting oh my titan this is going to be so much fuuuuuuun Ghost."
Ghost sighed.
"So you need to tell The Human that I have some concerns with Amity," Ghost explained. "Nothing serious but that I've tried talking with Amity and she hasn't done anything. So you need to ask The Human to ask Amity about the thing I asked Amity about so that they can talk about it. Ok?"
"Ok you can always count on me old buddy old pal ghost we're besties aren't we of course I'll help you with this I'll talk to luz and she'll talk to purple head and everything will be great yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!" Stringbean trilled.
Titan help her, Ghost thought.
Not wanting to leave Stringbean alone, Ghost herded her into a room with The Human, who looked down and smiled.
"WahWahWahWahWah," She said.
"Alright," Ghost said. "Showtime. Tell her what I Told you."
"Hiiiiiii luz ghost says hi she says hi a lot to me and she wanted me too say hi to you because she's purple head's palisman and she can't talk to you and so she talked to me and now I talk to you and you can talk to purple head." Stringbean exclaimed
"WahWahWahWahWahWahWahWah," The Human said. "WahWahWahWahWahWah!"
"I know it's so great yay purple head is your girlfriend isn't that cool!!!!!!!!" Stingbean squealed.
"WahWahWahWah," The Human replied with a nod.
"Enough small talk!" Ghost said. "Tell her to talk to Amity!"
"Ghost says that it is good that you talk to purple head because it is good to talk and ghost knows that if she's worried about purple head that you'll be worried too and you two will talk about it and things will work out!" Stringbean exclaimed.
That, that wasn't what Ghost had told her to say.
"No…" sigheed Ghost. But it was already too late.
"WahWahWahWahWahWah," The Human replied "WahWahWahWahWahWahWahWahWahWahWahWahWahWahWahWahWahWahWahWahWahWahWahWahWahWahWah.
"Luz says thank you thank you thank you she's happy that you like her because purple head is important to her and you are important to purple head so shes happy we all get along!" Stringbean supplied, apparently having missed Ghost's angry look. Or she just hadn't cared. Or she just hadn't known it was an angry look. Any of those were possible with Stringbean.
Ghost slinks off, defeated once again. By this point she was desperate enough to go to outside help.
"Please!" She begged Clover. "The Plant One knows both Amity and The Human. Please have her talk to them! Please Stringbean is driving me insane!"
"I'm sorry, I sympathize, I really do," Clover replied. "But I don't think Willow saying anything to Loud Cat-ears and Former Mean One will help."
Just as they were speaking, The Yellow Shouty One, who had admittedly gotten less shouty since he had gotten involved with The Plant One, was walking by with some laundry. The Yellow Shouty one stopped and looked over.
"What's this about Willow and Stringbean?"
"Wait…" Ghost said. "You understand us?"
"Yeah," The Yellow Shouty One said, rubbing the back of his head. "Picked it up after what happened to Flapjack…don't like to advertise it you know?"
"So you've heard Stringbean talk?" Ghost asked.
"Yes."
"So you understand why I need you to talk to Luz and…"
"NOPE!" Shouts the Yellow Shouty One. "Not getting involved in that argument again!"
Ghost sighed. Back to the drawing board.
…
And at that exact same moment Stringbean sighed, miles away, while laying in Luz's lap.
"Are you sureeeeee like super duper extra positively absolutely sure sure sure cause like I really don't like her she's Soooooo annoying and aloof and old and grouchy but maybe if you talked to purple head things would change for the better."
"I'm sorry Stringbean," Luz said with a sigh. "But you need to talk it out with Ghost yourself. I don't want Amity thinking our Palismans don't get along."