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The light turns on and Kazuki screams.
Rei, though unsurprised, finds it irritating. He’s hardly the scariest thing Kazuki has ever encountered.
“What,” Kazuki asks, attempting geniality, “are you doing in the bathtub?” He looks—tired.
Rei thinks, this is why I didn’t want a roommate. He says nothing, staring at the wall just above Kazuki’s head. Really, it shouldn’t surprise Kazuki to find Rei sleeping in the bathtub—if the reason isn’t immediately apparent to him, he’s shit at his job. (Rei knows he isn’t.)
“This probably isn’t.” Kazuki flounders. Stops talking. Rubs the sleep out of his eyes. “You should go back to bed.”
Rei continues to stare, unblinking.
“I have to piss,” Kazuki tries again, taking a step closer. Rei, whose mood has been categorically ruined, takes out his gun.
“Alright,” Kazuki says, tiredly. “Alright.”
Letting Kazuki stay was supposed to be temporary. Or, Rei assumed it was. He never made it clear, but he assumed Kazuki wouldn’t intrude for more than a few weeks. Two months, at most, but he’s still here, becoming more irritating by the day.
Kazuki’s grating personality is nothing new. He and Rei have worked together for a few years now, and Rei is familiar with his breezy brand of optimism that borders on obliviousness. Miraculously, it works out in his professional life, but often leads him to social and financial ruin. Hence crashing in Rei’s spare room, rent-free.
They don’t talk, really. Or, Rei tries his hardest to avoid it, but more irritating than Kazuki’s personality is his ability to get under Rei’s skin. Exhibit A:
“Do you have any garbage in your room?” Kazuki calls out. “I’m taking the trash out.”
Rei, in the middle of an online match, does not reply. There will be no garbage in his room, because Rei spends maybe an hour a day there, but Kazuki, ever hopeful, always asks.
“Rei?”
Rei has his headphones on, which means he isn’t speaking to Kazuki. Not that he ever does, but. Kazuki should know by now. It’s been four months. Rei doesn’t talk when he has headphones on because that means he’s busy and he doesn’t sleep in his bedroom in case of an ambush.
Kazuki doesn’t pull off Rei’s headphones, because the last time he did that it ended in a not-negligible injury, but he stands in front of the TV, and he knows Rei can’t pause online matches.
Rei stares. Kazuki crosses his arms. It’s okay. Rei is more patient than Kazuki is. Kazuki says, “Would it kill you to respond to me? Just once or twice?”
Rei blinks. Doesn’t respond.
Predictably, Kazuki huffs and puts his hands on his hips. “I’m sure you’ll warm up to me eventually,” he sighs, but he doesn’t sound angry. He will never give up on, as he calls it, ‘housetraining’ Rei, which is insulting in ways Rei doesn’t like to think about.
They’re not… not friends. Rei finds Kazuki’s disposition confusing in that optimism is, generally, not an outlook someone in their field should adopt, and beyond that, his idealism is irritating on a personal level, but—. But.
He’s not that bad. He’s fine, when he isn’t trying his hardest to smother Rei. He’s okay. It’s… fine.
“I’m making dinner,” Kazuki says, a few minutes later. “It’s a new recipe I found, and—”
He keeps talking. Rei tunes him out. He loses the next match.
They sleep together sometimes. Rei, characteristically, tries not to think about it. It’s nice to unwind after particularly tense jobs, but Kazuki is kind of clingy. Or, Rei thinks he is. He’s not sure how these things are usually supposed to go. It’s not the sort of thing he can just look up—hey, Google, is it normal that my roommate tries to hold me after he—
Rei tries not to think about it.
More than likely, it’s some fucked up extension of Kazuki’s chronic need to mother-hen, but what does Rei know. He has no idea what goes on in Kazuki’s head, other than an apparent desire to annoy Rei out of house and home. He knows that they sleep together, and it’s okay, and that’s it. It’s a bodily function. Stress release. Something like that. What Kazuki gets out of it is not relevant. It doesn’t matter to Rei what Kazuki wants.
Rei is not thinking about it. Kazuki’s pinning him down after a particularly grueling day, and he’s not thinking about it.
“Are you sure you’re alright?” Kazuki asks, breath hot against Rei’s mouth, which makes it doubly annoying—Rei was fine, until Kazuki tried to talk to him, to kiss him. He’s had worse, and he hates kissing. Kazuki knows this.
“Kazuki,” Rei says, strained.
“You got shot,” Kazuki hisses. “I’m not—I don’t—”
“Then don’t,” Rei interrupts. It feels like too much of an admission, to react, but it’s out now. Kazuki’s eyes look glassy, so Rei shoves Kazuki off of him and fixes his shirt.
The bullet only grazed him. Within a week, it’ll be like it never happened, and it would have been nice if Kazuki hadn’t found out at all, but even before living together, Kazuki never let Rei walk free without checking him over. It’s worse, now. Rei is the sole victim of Kazuki’s fucked up romantic notions. Rei closes Kazuki’s door behind him. Maybe this was a bad idea after all.
Kazuki hasn’t revealed much about the situation that led him to crashing on Rei’s couch, but Rei knows enough to put the pieces together. He knows he’s Kazuki’s… something. Kazuki looks at him and sees someone else. This is fine, usually, because Rei reaps the benefits of being Kazuki’s… whatever while doing his best to side-step all of the unfortunate side-effects, like having home-cooked meals shoved down his throat. Sometimes, though, it feels different. Worse.
Rei presses the back of his hand to his lips and locks the bathroom door behind him, anticipating a long, sleepless night.
A knock sounds at the door.
“I know you’re awake,” Kazuki says. Like usual, his voice is raised to carry through the door, but it’s too much; it just sounds like he’s shouting. “I’m sorry for whatever I did. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”
This is far from the first time they’ve spoken through the bathroom door, but most of these conversations seem to be more for Kazuki’s benefit than for Rei’s, regardless of Kazuki’s intentions. Rei finds no comfort in apologies. He mostly wants to be left alone.
“I know you probably want to be left alone”—Rei huffs—“but you shouldn’t sleep in there while you’re recovering.”
If Rei doesn’t respond, Kazuki will leave, but it might take a while, which would be annoying. He doesn’t know what to say: get out of my apartment, Kazuki, or fuck off, Kazuki, or what do you want, Kazuki, but he knows what Kazuki wants. Rei doesn’t want to give it to him. He doesn’t say anything. Kazuki waits, back pressed against the door, for nearly an hour before leaving.
Rei isn’t sure what Kazuki gets out of this. Rei isn’t sure what he gets out of it, either.
It’s not hard to tell the difference between a wild bird and a domesticated one, Rei maintains, and he knew that the bird was domesticated when he saw it on the ground. He wasn’t planning on keeping it forever, just until—until it was ready to leave. Until its wing was better.
But.
“You can’t just bring animals into our apartment,” Kazuki says, frustrated. Once, Rei would never have known what a frustrated Kazuki looked like, but since letting him into his apartment, it has become a daily occurrence. Much to Rei’s chagrin. “It’s not safe. You don’t know if it’s wild or not.”
Rei glares. Obviously cockatiels aren’t wild, and Kazuki isn’t stupid.
Kazuki rolls his eyes at Rei’s face. “You don’t know where it’s been, and it belongs to someone else. We’ll take it back where you found it.”
Rei doesn’t respond, but he stares in a way he knows Kazuki doesn’t like. Kazuki groans. “We don’t have any food, or, or, or anything for it, neither of us know how to take care of a bird. Besides, we can’t have a pet. It would be cruel, with our lifestyle. That’s the end of it, Rei.”
And it is.
Rei never wanted a roommate.
Kazuki is fine, because he’s Kazuki, but he doesn’t seem to get that this is how it is for Rei. He doesn’t talk much, but he knows Kazuki knows him well enough to understand at least some of his dislikes, and yet Kazuki willfully ignores them in favour of ‘making this house into a home’, or whatever bullshit he likes to spit.
It’s hard. It’s hard, because Rei doesn’t hate Kazuki, doesn’t even dislike him, in spite of his irksome personality, but Kazuki seems to try very hard to convince Rei otherwise.
Kazuki comes home late one Saturday morning, dressed in the same clothes he left in the night before. His hair is wet, like he’s just showered. He smiles when he sees Rei on the couch. Rei pretends not to notice him, or his wet hair, or his old clothes.
“Good morning,” Kazuki calls, drawing out the O in morning like there’s anything to be excited about. “How’s my favourite roommate today?”
Rei glares. There’s a faintly visible mark peeking out of Kazuki’s collar. Kazuki sees him looking, and grins crookedly. “Jealous?” he asks, tugging his shirt down an inch.
“Hmph,” Rei says.
Kazuki, as he is wont to do, takes a bucket when given a drop. “He speaks!” Kazuki needs higher standards. He goes on, “I’ll spare you the details, but—”
Rei turns up the volume on the TV to drown him out. The game he’s playing doesn’t let him kill civilian NPCs, but he tries to down a few of them anyway, to drain the tension from his shoulders. He itches for a real gun, but there’s no reason for that, it’s just—
“Rei,” Kazuki whines, breath suddenly at his ear. “Why won’t you talk to me?”
Maybe Kazuki is still intoxicated. Rei feels itchy all over. Kazuki should consider himself lucky there’s no gun within arm’s reach. Rei is—Rei is. He needs to leave.
Fleeing the apartment is new. Brand new, in fact, because his apartment is usually the place he flees to, not from, but Kazuki has thrown a military-grade rifle in Rei’s routine, so. Here he is. Riding the subway until his apartment stops feeling like a warzone.
The thing is: Rei doesn’t care about Kazuki’s whole… schtick. His money troubles, gambling addiction, messy divorce, ex-wife he hasn’t gotten over, the guileless optimism he harbours despite it all—the list goes on. It makes Kazuki a pain in the ass to deal with, but Rei doesn’t mind it, really, if he thinks about it, which he usually tries to avoid, but Kazuki has brought it to the forefront of his mind. Somehow.
A baby starts wailing. Its older brother shushes it, and it whines louder. An elderly man snores. A woman latches onto her boyfriend’s arm. Rei doesn’t think about Kazuki.
Rei isn’t stupid. He’s not jealous of whatever woman Kazuki went home with, because it’s hardly the first time he’s done something like that, but he can’t stop thinking about the bird Kazuki left in the street, and his nightly routine of knocking on the bathroom door until Rei tells him to fuck off via pointed, stony silence.
He doesn’t hate Kazuki, but Kazuki is frustrating, and he doesn’t—he doesn’t get it, he doesn’t get that Rei… something. Rei doesn’t know. Kazuki keeps changing things, foisting his issues onto Rei like he has any right to.
The sun is beginning to sink by the time Rei finds his way back to the apartment; home isn’t safe now, but being out in the city is worse. With any luck, Kazuki will have taken the hint and fucked off to somewhere, but something tells Rei that won’t be the case. Kazuki is annoyingly persistent, only at the worst times.
The apartment is much cleaner than Rei left it, which only serves to make him angrier. Rei is sure if he opened the fridge, there would be a plastic-wrapped, home-made meal waiting for him. Kazuki is probably waiting anxiously, upset by Rei’s strange behaviour. Rei tries to sneak to his room to avoid him, but—
“Rei, wait, I—”
Rei stops abruptly and turns around; Kazuki stops talking. If Kazuki apologizes, Rei will kill him. Probably not. Hopefully not.
“I made dinner,” Kazuki offers lamely, after a few long seconds of silence. “It’s in the fridge. You should eat.”
Rei holds up the white plastic bag in his hand. “I got takeout.”
With a sigh, Kazuki gets that irritated-fond look on his face. “Rei, you know—”
Rei might kill him after all. He punches him in the face instead; Kazuki’s cheek flares red. It matches nicely with the darkened mark on his neck. No guilt follows. Rei takes his takeout to the sofa and turns on the TV. Kazuki does not move except to raise his hand to his face.
“You can’t just run off like that,” Kazuki ventures eventually, sidling up to the back of the couch.
“Why not,” Rei says flatly. Something plays on the TV, muted, but he retains none of it. His food is getting cold, but he takes a bite of it so Kazuki will get pissed off about eating on the sofa.
“I was worried! You hate leaving the apartment.” Emboldened by Rei’s mild reaction, Kazuki vaults himself over the back of the sofa and sits far too close to Rei for comfort.
“So.” Rei doesn’t look at him. Hopes his face bruises.
“You never take care of yourself. Someone has to.” Kazuki shifts to the side so he faces Rei. “It’s not healthy, what you do.”
“I hate your food,” Rei says suddenly, turning to him. Against his better judgment, he holds eye contact, watching as Kazuki’s expression shutters.
“You don’t,” Kazuki sighs, really sighs, characteristically dramatic. He goes on, “And besides. You need to eat.”
They don’t really know each other all that well. Kazuki overshares, but he’s careful about what he reveals—Rei is uncomfortably familiar with Kazuki’s personal life, but he doesn’t know anything about his past, and very little about his ex-wife. Rei has revealed even less about himself, and likes it that way, but it feels alien to have some kind of roommate squabble with a near-stranger.
“It’s not your problem. Leave me alone.” Rei finally looks away. He can take care of himself; he did, for a long time, until Kazuki came along. He doesn’t hate Kazuki’s cooking, but he doesn’t like it, and in any case, he doesn’t need it.
Kazuki grabs Rei’s shoulder, hard. “It is my problem. We’re partners. I care about you.”
Unlikely. Kazuki is an indulgent person: he likes things men do, like money and women and nice cars and guns. Fleeting, expensive pleasures. Rei is not what Kazuki wants, and he smarts under Kazuki’s fucked-up efforts to make him so.
Rei wishes Kazuki hadn’t become immune to his staring when Kazuki continues, “I’m just trying to help you.”
“No.”
“No? Look, I’m sorry about the bird, and I’m sorry about this morning, but—”
“Pay rent if you’re going to tell me what to do.” With that, Rei unmutes the TV and turns the volume up to maximum so that Kazuki’s voice is inaudible. Kazuki unplugs the TV. Rei pulls out his gun.
“Rei,” Kazuki says.
Rei stares.
He doesn’t care if Kazuki pays rent or not. He just wants—Rei wants.
“I’m not making rules,” Kazuki says, slowly, like he’s speaking to a wild animal. He’s still standing by the TV, raising his hands as if in surrender. “I’m just…” he shakes his head. “If you really want me to, I’ll leave, Rei, but I just want what’s best. Even if we don’t like it. Alright?”
He can’t seem to understand. Rei doesn’t want him gone. He—God help him—enjoys Kazuki’s presence in a way he’s not ready to admit, but Kazuki doesn’t get it. He eats Kazuki’s food and he lets Kazuki rearrange his furniture and he let Kazuki have a key to his apartment despite the risk, and Kazuki doesn’t get it.
“No,” Rei says again. He clenches his hands into fists, trying and failing to quell any tremors. “That’s not it.” The bridge between them seems enormous; Rei does not understand how to get what he wants.
Hesitantly, Kazuki approaches Rei and takes his wrists in his hands. “I just—”
“Just leave me alone,” Rei interrupts, but he pulls Kazuki closer to him. “Stay. But leave me alone.”
It makes perfect sense to Rei, but confusion clouds Kazuki’s face. “I don’t get it.”
No, Rei thinks, you don’t, but he yanks Kazuki forward and kisses him. Their teeth clack together painfully. Kazuki tries to steady him, but Rei pulls away, looking over Kazuki’s shoulder. Rei doesn’t like kissing, but Kazuki does. “Stop it,” Rei says. “Just give up.” He kisses the corner of his mouth before pulling away with a grimace.
“I see,” Kazuki says, a little breathless. “I think I get it.”
Rei doesn’t think he gets it. He thought he did, but he doesn’t anymore. The rug has been pulled from under his feet. The mission has gone FUBAR.
“I’ll stop,” Kazuki says, face turned into Rei’s cheek. His arm, at some point, has snaked around Rei’s shoulders. “I will.”
Rei peels Kazuki off of him. “Okay,” he says blankly. Kazuki won't, probably. He never does. He's never thought about another person a day in his life.
Kazuki makes his irritated-fond face again, and it is just as annoying as usual.