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Laswell rarely visited, too busy for it, but when she did, it was for a reason. Small celebrations or huge tragedies, but it always had to be convincing enough to make the trip without someone calling it unreasonable. This time it was more urgent than ever before. The minute she stepped out of the chopper, Farah was between her arms, fighting tears due to the weight of everything that just happened. It was overwhelming, doing so many life changing things in one day, and her trip to Georgia, her first time outside of her country, would forever stay a wound. She felt so out of place standing on the sidelines waiting for Laswell's search and rescue team to give her something, anything. They've talked through how little the possibility is, needed to in order to not get her hopes up. Her back was pressed against the woman's chest, the older's cardigan tightly wrapping her in their own protective bubble. She just wanted to go home, bring Alex with her. She was tired, beyond exhaustion and she needed the kind of familiarity and sense of belonging he provided. It was hours before the first person emerged. They didn't say anything, just requested the commander on-site rapidly. Laswell squeezed her before letting go.
She had to be careful, maneuvering between the ruins; one small rock out of place could make the whole thing crash. She only started sprinting when she heard that voice . He was so clearly straining himself by speaking, but calling her name was more urgent than working with the rescue team for his own well-being. Farah collapsed to her knees next to him, kissed every burned, or dusty inch of his face, and he was only sated when able to lay his head on her lap. She caressed his face while the team worked on stopping the bleeding before he passed out again, kissed him through the pain. She'd never forget the sight of that wound, or this great feeling of relief. She praised his bravery, said he was a real hero. She never confessed her love for him as much as she did then. And in his half conscious state, he babbled about how she was worth it, that he'd do it a million times again. When he was carried out, hooked up to blood bags and kinds of IVs she didn't even think existed, and made to sleep willingly this time, she was back in Laswell's hold. They couldn't go with the ambulance helicopter, as to not restrict the medic's work, so the car ride to the hospital was silent save for Farah crying into Laswell's cotton shirt again. She stroked her hair, shushed her, but she didn't know any better. She couldn't imagine bearing this pain, even think about her wife fighting death in the hands of complete strangers. They stayed in the car to wait for a nurse's call. She didn't know her way in this new country, and Laswell feared the rush in the hospital would push her over the edge even more. She stayed awake for her when Farah cried herself to sleep on her shoulder, talked to the recently arrived Price in whispers. He crawled into the backseat to cover the other side of Farah, Gaz in the passenger watching her expression.
They didn't even realize they'd collectively fallen asleep with her, until a nurse knocked on the window and startled Laswell awake. They went in at dusk, it was around 5 in the morning now. Everyone needed this uncomfortable nap. After being explained that, while Alex was out of surgery, he wouldn't be awake any time soon due to a medically induced coma, and his state was still semi-unstable in terms of making full, flawless recovery from having a head injury, she thought through her options. She landed on telling Farah, woke her with kisses to her forehead, so tender she'd rather kill any witness of it than have it be found out by anyone as to not harm the special fragility. She waited until she was fully aware of her surroundings. Of course, Farah wanted to rush to his room immediately. She freed herself of Price's crushing hug, crawled over Kate and ran after the nurse to ask her to take her to his room. Laswell watched from the car window, decided it was best to just leave her be. She woke the captain, and Gaz, shared the news but asked they let Farah have a moment before going, too.
The commander sat stiffly in a plastic chair. She couldn't find it in herself to relax upon seeing Alex hooked up to machines. His recovery was really, really out of her hands this time; it was hard to deal with it. She pulled her legs up in front of her chest, then put it down, shifted but it got no better. Shaky fingertips traced the outlines of his face, his closed eyelids, his nose and lips. Then she clutched his hand in hers, laid her head on his stomach. She was completely restless, she was bursting with the want to do something for him but not being able to do it because she wasn't a doctor. She watched his face, his neutral expression, tried not to spiral and imagine this would be the same expression in a casket. She couldn't lose him. She'd lost so much already, the universe couldn't be that extremely cruel, right? Her parents, her freedom and her country's safety, Hadir, so many friends and even herself … she couldn't bear having his name on that list, not now and not ever.
——
From there, every single day Farah was in the hospital from the earliest time she could go, until the nurses practically kicked her out. His state seemed to be neither moving forward nor declining. She felt even more helpless. Kate came with her often, as did Gaz and Price, keeping the quiet atmosphere of the room in her respect. They liked checking in on him, asking the doctors for any updates; but Farah… Farah became obsessed with it. She couldn't go four hours without seeing him, or asking about him. The limitations of visitation hours were hellish because of this. She called the hospital asking about him when she couldn't sit with her thoughts anymore, and after her thirteenth time, she was given the head nurse's private number to call instead of holding up the hospital line. In times she wasn't allowed in, she roamed the empty streets with her head so full she worried it might as well just shut down. She never felt quite as lonely and terrified as she did then.
——
For once, it wasn't her calling the nurse, but the other way around. Her phone rang and she practically jumped up from the hotel bed to find it in the maze of pillow and blanket. She slept with it in her hand, but she must've dropped it during the night. She would remember that call forever. After three weeks, Alex was safe to be woken up. She never ran that fast anywhere before. The hotel was close enough to the dreaded building. On the way, she called Laswell, the captain and Gaz, they all barely understood anything from her panting, but it was just enough. By the time she was allowed into the room, Alex opened those bleary eyes, the same as he had every morning waking up by her side, and he was just conscious enough to smile when he recognised her. She sat on top of his hips, didn't even care about the firm scolding of a nurse; she just had to kiss him, feel his lips on her, cracked and chapped but alive. He didn't have enough muscle coordination for kissing back yet, but his broken, quiet and raspy whisper of her name was more of a treasure anyway. She only crawled off of him when the rest of their family arrived. Laswell helped Alex with drinking, while Gaz and Price teased him about his overgrown hair and beard to lighten the mood. Farah sat at the end of his bed, legs criss crossed and eyes starstruck. She was so afraid he wouldn't make it, so grateful to have insisted on the search team, begged Price, sobbed hard enough until he called in for Kate. She wouldn't forget banging on Gaz's chest, wailing, because Price couldn't be as optimistic as her about this. She knew he wasn't trying to be cruel with it, the world was just merciless from his point of view. She never cried as animalistic, primal , as she did then. A woman whose entire world of hope relied on a needle in a haystack.
Alex weakly reached his hand towards her, and she scooted forward, laying her head on his stomach just like she did when he wasn't awake. She was careful not to touch the healing remainder of his leg. He petted her cheek, her hair in such an endearing way she could feel her heart shatter and get sculpted back together, piece by million piece. She almost lost this. She couldn't wrap her head around it.
Laswell smiled softly at the sight, while Gaz covered her with a blanket and Price squeezed her shoulder. Everyone was together. Safe. She'd be safe and so would Alex. She could let her guard down now. She didn't need to feel like she'd tear people apart with her bare hands from the frustration. She wasn't a stray animal, stranded and trapped in a cage of hopelessness anymore.
"—we'll be back later, sweetheart" When did Kate start talking? Alex's heartbeat was so loud, too loud, perfectly loud and healthy and alive. The woman stifled a kiss against her forehead, then Alex's, and shooed herself and her boys out of the room.
"Just the two of us now, huh?" Alex joked, but his voice clearly strained from speech. Farah hummed, buried her face in his stomach and hoped maybe, just for once, everyone would forget she's here and she wouldn't have to leave him. Her fingers laced with his.
"You…" She tried, but couldn't find the words. Things were already going off the rails when her lips wobbled, and she knew then this can not be helped. She whimpered, and she felt guilty the cries that followed. This was supposed to be a happy moment and she was ruining the mood.
"I know, sweet girl. I know" Alex sighed, she was just glad he still somehow had this strange connection to her, where she didn't need to say anything and he'd understand. He buried his fingers in her hair, tangled and messy from running to here basically still in her pajamas. The sun was coming up, it painted the room the prettiest shade of pink, made her think about the feeling of finding him alive. "I'd never leave you"
She sat up, wiped her tears. She looked holy in the morning lights, with all the things others would consider uncollected and imperfect. The bags under her puffy eyes, the visible weight loss from stress, how she hunched over due to the time spent in uncomfortable hospital chairs like she was carrying a backpack filled with all the suffering in the world. He felt guilty for making her be in this state. Contemplated if it would've been better to have died than live to give her such a pain.
"When did you even last eat?" He mused quietly, she shrugged. Her top hung off of her shoulder. He recognised it was Gaz's t-shirt.
"Kate tried to get some stuff in me. Don't worry about it" She smiled bittersweetly. his hands ran across her thighs, had to be touching her one way or another.
"I will worry—"
"Alex, you just finished battling death" She sounded more snappy than she wanted to. She really didn't mean it, it was just… frustrating. She was supposed to care for him to make up for everything she missed out on. He almost died for a cause she fought for, damnit. His lips pressed into a tight line, and she inhaled deeply. She crawled over him, limbs on each of his sides even though the bed was definitely too small for this. She pressed her forehead against his, and basked in the feeling of his breath against her cheek. "I missed you"
"You won't have to miss me ever again" He mumbled, already chasing after her lips. He couldn't get enough of her. He wasn't sure how long they stayed like this, Farah now seated on his lap, not moving their lips after some point; just glad to be touching— but the moment was broken by a knock on the door. She didn't notice, protested when he coaxed her back. His nurse didn't blink an eye at the sight of Farah all over him anymore. She was perfectly small enough to not be in the way, to fit on his chest. Like puzzle pieces. His bandages were changed, and the woman left without a word. She must've understood.
"Does it… hurt a lot?" She was hesitant to ask. He smiled at how careful she tried to be around this.
"Well I'm hooked up to a bunch of painkillers… but I do feel it a little bit"
"You'll tell me if I can do anything for you— right?"
"What you can do for me is relax finally" She didn't fight him this time. Didn't want to snap at him again.
"Make sure I can stay by your side then"
"Whatever you want, I'll make it happen, you know that" He chuckled, she rolled her eyes. She should be doing that.
——
He kept his promise. After two more days of missing him each night, he likely talked to the staff when she was "ordered" a refreshment by the day shift nurse, upon seeing her state, still neglecting basic needs, all so she could be there with him from the second they let her in, til they kick her out. All the workers were so kind… they allowed her to take a shower in a space strictly reserved for employees, let her borrow a hairbrush and even fresh scrubs that would be more comfortable than her who-knows-how-old clothes. Yes, maybe it was gross, unhygienic and whatnot. But every single time she left this damn building she felt paralyzed from anxiety. She couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't look at herself in the mirror let alone force out self-care or do some laundry with the washing machine in her hotel room. All she cared about was him.
"You look so cozy in that" Alex purred against her collarbone when she joined him in bed again. She talked to some of his caretakers about his limitations while being offered some food, and she didn't throw it up due to anxiety finally. She didn't feel pitied for once, but seen. They mentioned practicing sitting as soon as possible, so his bed rashes wouldn't become extreme. She figured out a motivation rather quickly.
"Braid my hair?" She requested, and straightened up, holding her arm out to support Alex in doing the same. He looked nervous. She was with renewed patience. He linked his arms around her own, and with conjoined efforts, they made it happen. She quickly arranged his pillows so they'd support his position, the pride and relief was written all over his face. He took the hairband from her, and she swept her hair to the side to prop the back of her head against his shoulder. A little rusty, but his fingers worked the damp locks happily. He was only partially distracted from the way she kissed his neck all over, taking advantage of her position.
"I start physical therapy tomorrow, apparently. Doc said I've been out so long that everything crucial healed, so uh…" She smiled into his skin at that. It must've felt weird to just miss a whole month of his life, but fast progress was great news. When he tied off the braid, she scooted to face him again.
"It'll be good to get you moving" She dug her fingers into his muscles as they glided down his arms, and he deflated from the feeling. Everything was stiff enough that no amount of painkillers helped it. "Hm… are you allowed to lay on your stomach?"
"I don't see why not" Alex didn't want to add he had no idea how he'd get to that position. But Farah figured it out. She always did. It wasn't good to strain him for too long anyway. With much precautions, they achieved it, and only when she pulled up his shirt did she realize how long it's been, for his burns to be halfway to healed, and overtaken by small forming heat rashes from the bed. She rummaged around on the bedside tray of temporary reliefs until she found a lotion she recognised, and took her time kissing each scar before applying it. While doing so, she massaged everywhere she could think of, and Alex was like putty under her hands. There was a certain level of relief nothing else could've provided but Farah, her touch, one that brought a special hint of love into it.
"Now you're ready for tomorrow" She pressed one last kiss to the middle of his back, laid next to him while waiting for the cream to dry.
"You're amazing" His love drunk tone was the most adorable thing. She drew a small heart shape on his hips, where she was holding him. She loved how they fit into the bed just right. She felt complete with him.
"You don't want me to argue with that right now" She chuckled, he pursed his lips in thought.
"No, go on, I want to hear it"
"Alright, well— I think it's my Alex who's the most perfect person in the universe. He's got this killer smile, and the prettiest eyes I've ever seen. He's everything I love collected into one person. And that makes him my person" She squeezed his hip, halfway to protective and halfway to possessive, and took a deep breath. "I love my… my boyfriend a lot. More than anything"
Though she stuttered from the nervousness, they both knew just how significant this was. She never wanted to outright put a label on this before. She was afraid to commit to anything, having had to deal with enough losses already.
"I say this Alex guy sounds lucky to have you as his girlfriend" He was so much more confident when he said it. His finger toyed with the hem of her scrubs top, then slipped a hand under there. He just wanted to hold her, too, feel her warm and soft skin that was a contrast to his calloused digits. She got goosebumps from it, he could tell. She smiled sheepishly.
"You're cheesy"
——
Gaz came to visit again when Alex was asleep. Farah sat next to him with a magazine she found. His head was on her lap, but she removed it oh so carefully when she spotted Kyle at the door. She pointed to Alex, then herself, then to the hall as the man peeped through the small window to see if he could come in. The minute she was out in the corridor, Gaz hugged her so tight she couldn't breathe for a second— and she wouldn't have had it any other way. They sat in a shitty row of plastic chairs in front of the room, Farah half on his lap and her head on his shoulder, just because she needed to have this.
"How're you holding up?" To be fair, she wasn't really prepared for this question. She was always asked about Alex's state, not her own, making it easier to forget about her misery and focus on Alex. She buried her head in his neck further, and shrugged. He ran the length of her braid between his fingers, sitting in the silence for a moment. "You don't have to play tough around any of us, Farah"
"I know" She hummed, reaching for one of his hands to toy with on her lap. She stared at the long digits, the way they bent, curled and uncurled. "I just don't… I'm not even sure how I feel. It's been three weeks and it doesn't feel like it. I feel like I'm stuck reliving that day over and over again, and… and I also miss Hadir, I miss what I've always been used to. I wish he could've been with me to kill that fucker"
Through this, Gaz realized his role might be bigger than he ever imagined. He was filling a role for Farah subconsciously. "Always been just you two, I can't imagine how shit this is"
"Promise you'll never turn against me?" She requested quietly, linked her pinky with his to look for confirmation. If it was anyone else, Gaz would've been offended for ever thinking he could become a traitor. He squeezed her finger with his own and hummed in agreement. Farah inhaled deeply, got a lungful of his cologne but she didn't mind it much. She tried to let go of every hurt she experienced and embrace this new beginning as she exhaled.
"Did you have lunch yet?"
"I got a few snacks from the nurses" She offered the response, tone so unsure Kyle could've scolded her for not taking care of herself.
"C'mon, then, we're going out. Kate sent you some fresh clothes, too"
"Why, I think I look fabulous in these scrubs" She scoffed, and Gaz laughed with her so he wouldn't accidentally bring up how the circles under her eyes were so dark it looked like badly applied black eyeshadow, how her cheeks sunk in and he could practically feel her ribs digging into his arm as he held her. Almost a whole month of barely eating then throwing it up, of sleeping less than three hours a day and wearing the same clothes for days because she didn't have the energy to change, not regarding the few times a week Laswell brought her under the showerhead and bathed her while she sobbed through it. He found it heartbreaking above all. Sad he couldn't take care of her enough to handle it at the right time. It was just significantly difficult, juggling her tasks from far away so she could be with Alex, and his own ones. But he'd do anything for her. "I think I'd prefer not going far from here, though"
"Yeah, that's fine. I'll just have to surprise you, then" Gaz gave her the bag of clothes and left with the promise of returning in half an hour. She changed in Alex's room, that's where she felt safest to, for now, and stowed away the rest of the clothes in the cabinet at his bedside. She was mildly anxious being around people, and now looking at it, Laswell's clothes were strange compared to her usual wear. She felt like some domesticated little girl in the tight blue jeans and brown sweatshirt.
Kyle arrived soon, didn't comment on the outfit, to her relief. "What do you say about eating outside? I saw some benches around the garden in front of the hospital" He offered, she happily accepted. That wasn't too far, and she could use some fresh air. Gaz let her cling to his arm as they walked, she just felt safer in the bubble that seemed to create around them this way. The garden was gorgeous, the trees letting light through in magical patches and illuminating the flowers lining the path. They walked until they stumbled upon a bench badly hidden by a few thin bushes on its sides. He read her like an open book at times, was very aware she would be uncomfortable if they were any more in the open. She didn't particularly enjoy the food, not because it was bad or because Gaz didn't know her favorite things to eat by now. But because her mouth still had that lingering taste of bitter anxiety, grief that didn't even really need to be there because Alex was fine, alive. She didn't mention it to Gaz.
Kyle was prepared for the way she curled up on his lap, thighs against her chest and her jaw propped on her knees afterwards. He supported her balance, and didn't speak until she started a conversation first. He wanted to respect her need for silence, processing things in it. Her eyes stopped on a family playing between the trees for a while. There were two kids, around the age of her and Hadir when they lost their parents, playing tag with their dad as their mom watched from the bench facing them. She never felt quite so old, the passage of time was a strain that often drew tears in her eyes.
"Didn't know I needed this. Thanks" Her voice was hoarse, but she didn't want the tears to go noticed. So Gaz didn't bring them up.
"I'll try and do paperwork in the hospital so I can be around more, how's that sound?" Farah's eyes brightened. He already predicted what she'd say. "And no, the condition of that can't be that you help"
"Fuck you" She giggled, her first true, hearty laugh in far too long. "I'd really like that. I don't know if we're allowed to sleep in there with him but… I want you there if we are. I miss our sleepovers"
"I'll see what cards I can pull" He hummed, searched for her hand with his own one that wasn't supporting her weight.
"You're the best"
"Didn't you tell me to get fucked a minute ago?"
"Doesn't cancel out being the best" Farah shrugged, and Gaz huffed. Ever outsmarted by her wit. "Hope you don't feel um… like I'm burdening you with the work or somethin'. Believe me, I'm not a fan of not handling my own fighters either"
"Never. I'm doing just fine. And I was just as worried… if Price wasn't whipping me into shape every morning I'm not sure I'd be sane right now, can't even imagine how you feel" He knew that what he could do to Farah's benefit was filling in wherever he could within her work, and what benefited Farah did the same with Alex, because she wasn't actively driving herself past breaking point with her tasks on top of the whole hospital thing.
"We owe him a fuck ton of cigars, don't we?" Farah sighed like it's such a problem. Gaz hummed in agreement. They sat quietly for some time again, enjoying the closeness and the fresh air surrounding them. Farah was thinking about something, he could see, and he, well… he was content watching her. Before they knew it, the sunset was painting the sky orange, and Farah panicked slightly as she realized how long it's been since she checked on Alex. Force of habit. Gaz had to remind her he's perfectly stable now, in fact, probably happy that she is taking care of herself when he isn't able to do it for her. Nevertheless, they headed back inside. Their short walk back to the building was mostly spent observing the main road next to them, its forming nightlife, something Farah was always fascinated by. Gaz promised to convince the nurses to let them stay, so she headed to the blond's room right away, leaving him to do so.
"Whoa there, new style again, fashionista?" Alex teased as she walked in, but his arms spread wide for her nevertheless. She shrugged, a smile already tugging on her lips. She crawled on top of his blanket, situated herself over his hips, all so she could lean forward and lay flush against his chest. He pecked her forehead, tattooed arms embraced her in their safety. "Had fun out?"
"Yeah, we ate and then just sat around" She told quietly, tiredness seeping into her voice unwillingly. "I hope you can come soon, too"
"Me too, sweetheart" Alex squeezed her slightly, his smile matching hers. "Sounds like a fun day"
"Then recover faster" She nudged him, but still lifted her head so she could kiss him, too. His hands rubbed her waist through it, and she would have melted had it not been for the knock on the door. Reluctantly, she pulled back, head placed on his shoulder once again. Alex gave the go-ahead for the nurse to come in.
"Heard the plans for a slumber party" The man started, Farah watched him anxiously. She needed to be here tonight. At least just this one time. "Listen, we don't usually let anybody do that but… If you just stay quiet, I will let it slide for now"
Gaz stood behind the nurse proudly, and Farah's expression brightened too. She nodded.
"Assume you're not moving from that position to sleep," She agreed. "And i can get in another bed for you, but that's gonna be a minute. And I might take it if a patient needs it"
Gaz accepted happily, and so they waited until the majority of the other nurses were busy, to help with the bed, pushed it against the side of Alex's that wasn't covered in different machines and IV drips. They were left with a sigh of "stupid kids", which caused all three to giggle like they weren't pushing thirty, or were close to, anyway. Soon, Gaz could occupy Alex's other shoulder, his arm blanketed over his waist and hand finding its place on Farah's bicep. He usually wasn't so into cuddling, but the burdening emotions that nearly drowned him every day were relieved by feeling Alex close.
The two chatted about everything and nothing while Farah got comfortably tired from the environment of the room. Two of the most important people all around her, voices filling the room and Alex's heartbeat providing the perfect background noise. It was inevitable when she fell asleep. She was tucked in by Gaz, and the two joined her dreams shortly after. It was the first night Farah got over eight hours of sleep.
——
It felt strange to wake up well rested. Gaz and Alex were somehow a tangle of limbs, and she was impressed he didn't get sore from the way she laid on him all night. She woke the blond, kisses to the corner of his mouth; he showed he was awake by turning one of them into a proper one.
"Want me to get off?" She whispered against his mouth, took no offense when he nodded. She gave a quick rub to his arms and torso, he thanked her profusely. She decided Gaz deserved to sleep as long as he wanted to. She let Alex in on her plans, and even shushed the nurse when he came in to help with a quick shower. She went with them, he insisted she should. So, she was allowed to carefully scrub him down, while the nurse helped with his balance at times she needed him standing from the stool put in for him. They've never had sex, save for the time Farah got too into making out, and he fingered her in her pants messily, but got interrupted by an emergency before more could ensue. Yet, somehow, the intimacy of baring himself came naturally to Alex, and it was too much about letting his defenses down to feel sexual. Just like the anxiety-easing checks for wounds in their underwear after every encountered fight. She was instructed to be careful around the blisters on his back, as if she didn't know. After toweling him off, she was handed dry gloves, lotion and fresh gauze for each wound, and Alex could've sworn he felt ten times better in the wrappings done by her. Facing the missing limb wasn't so bad when she kissed the scar over the gauze. In new clothes, what he was most afraid of was brought in. Wheelchair. He was told he couldn't possibly go to the PT room on crutches, he had to work up to that, and as much as he wanted to call bullshit, Farah volunteered to wheel him there. He was stubborn, so much so that the therapist had to be warned he was before he entered. So she insisted Farah should stay when she saw how much more relaxed he was around her. She waited patiently, only took her eyes off of him to text Kyle and let him know where they were when he looked for them. She was a bit disappointed they couldn't say goodbye to him, but duty called and she understood. The therapist showed her proper ways to help relax his muscles when Alex brought up her poor attempts at a massage, though he would never call them that. In his eyes, everything she did was perfect.
This routine went on until he was released. Sometimes she'd sleep on the bed that stayed over from Gaz's brief crash there, who kept his promise of stopping by, but mostly she spent each night tightly tucked into his side, and basically grew inseparable as he requested her there every step of the way. The staff were used to her by now. After she was stable enough herself, she was slowly but surely eased back into working, being handed tactical planning tasks and smaller projects by Laswell and Price. They promised to take care of her fighters, and they did. Every report from home mentioned how much they missed her, though. Things were much more peaceful now. She was relieved to see she didn't miss out on much, and nothing happened that could have compromised with her plans. Alex left the hospital on a new prosthetic, a damn good one, luckily funded by the army. He was still a little unsure on his feet, but like with everything else, she supported his way. When he named Urzikstan to be the place they bring him home to, she found the last missing piece of her life. It was complete. This would be their place to settle, a life to be shaped by the hands of her dearest country. She'd call it a new beginning, but it's always been that, since the day she first saw Alex. Everything broken, always only damaged more, was put back together, finally a finished sculpture of love by his hands. She could get old, she could drift from her past, but he'd always stay a solid piece. Present and future all in one person.