Chapter Text
After passing his medical evaluation, Jay went to get fitted for his uniform, weapons assignment, and all the other little details needed before he was officially on duty.
Unexpectedly he had to forfeit all of his personal belongings- this was a joint military/private mercenary force. The only thing he was allowed to keep was one wallet sized photo. When he saw his phone get taken away a pang of anxiety ran through him. “How will I contact Hailey?” he thought.
As if reading his mind, the officer organizing things said, “Don’t worry, you’ll have a chance to write letters before you are off the grid.”
Jay had signed up for full time reserve duty in haste. Aside from knowing this was a highly specialized unit dealing with heavy hitting cartel targets, his unit’s role was still a mystery.
Putting on his uniform was deceptively unnerving. He was not in the Middle East. The enemy was different. Yet as the camouflaged fatigues fell against his skin a shiver went down his spine.
Nonetheless, Jay was a professional and he came here for a reason. Ominous chills aside, he was all business.
“You will be introduced to your squad and then commence two weeks of training. The purpose of this time is to establish you as squad leader, team bonding, and preparation for various scenarios,” the Major explained.
“Various scenarios?” Jay thought. This was going to be interesting.
One week into training Jay was getting into the groove of things. He was a born leader. It was as if all of his experiences in the military and with intelligence brought him to this moment. The brutal physicality of the training was welcome. He needed to feel pain. Channeling his emotional anguish into physical exertion was borderline liberating. Panic thinking about Hailey would bubble up and brute force pushed it back down.
On day 8 the squad had to complete a double marathon -55 miles- with their packs. Jay’s endurance and strength shined through- impressing his superiors. When a few of the soldiers faltered Jay used his gentle authority to inspire them to push through the pain. The squad finished in the fastest time a squad had ever achieved.
Days 9, 10, and 11 held their own hurdles to overcome as they sank their teeth into prisoner of war training.
First things started off lightly with cultural awareness education. They would be moving throughout several South American countries, each holding their own unique customs and language. Understanding and respecting that would be critical while interfacing with locals and various players.
Then the fun part started. They studied interrogation techniques. Knowing how to implement them was critical, so was understanding the patterns so one could withstand them if captured. Handling a hardcore beating was a fun one. But waterboarding training took the cake. Jay had been through similar trainings and experiences before, so he was able to model how to get through it as well as empathize with how harrowing it all was.
Jay was gaining his unit’s trust. His unflappable integrity, exemplary competence, and laser-like focus permeated each of the soldiers under his command. He brought out the best in the men under his command. They trusted him. They felt they were in the best hands. The only missing piece was getting to know him. He was as guarded as they come.
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When they finally got a night off, Jay sought out the commanding officer. “Halstead, come in. You’ve been kicking ass out there. Making us all look good,” he commended. “Thank you sir. Great group of soldiers to work with.” He continued, “sir, during orientation it was mentioned that I would have a chance to write letters home. I was wondering when that opportunity will arise.” Jay sheepishly asked. He knew showing even an inch of perceived weakness wasn’t his best play.
“Halstead, this is not a typical deployment. You and your unit will be going in deep for unknown periods of time. When training is over you will have a chance to write a letter or two home, but your expectations need to be in check. That will be it for the foreseeable future. Whoever it is waiting for you at home will need to understand this as well,” the Major replied firmly.
That tug on Jay’s heart stretched hard around his chest. He knew this was the best path forward for him to regain his sense of self, to be the man she deserved. But being away from her was already much harder than he had anticipated. Their bond was more intense than any other relationship in his life – they were totally in sync, able to read one another’s minds, able to read one another’s hearts. Breaking that felt like the most unnatural thing in the world to him.
Pushing his heartache aside, “Yes, sir,” he responded.
Part of being a soldier was focusing on your mission. “not for kings, not for glory…for the one next to you.” For the next few months, the ones next to him would not be Hailey, Will, or his intelligence family. That was a hard pill to swallow.
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That evening Jay joined the rest of his squad. He knew he needed to bond with them in a genuine way, not only business. Letting down his guard didn’t come naturally to him, but he gave it a try.
“Sergeant, how about you? You have someone at home,” a gutsy corporal Adams asked.
Everyone looked up surprised. Jay hadn’t shared a thing other than he was from Chicago and did a few tours in the Middle East as a Ranger. An air of mystery surrounded their commanding officer.
Jay tried to hide his discomfort in disclosing personal things, but knew they needed more from him. If they were going to follow him blindly, he had to trust them just as much as they him.
But Hailey was the last thing he wanted to talk about. Some things are too powerful within your heart to articulate with words. He knew if he tried to go there, any veil of personal space would be undone, they would see too deeply into what made him tick. His soul belonged to a few precious few.
“Uh yeah, my wife,” he responded. As a defense mechanism he changed the subject and fed them other morsels that were easier for him to emotionally access.
“I have an older brother Will,” he added. “Even more of a ginger than I am,” he threw in for levity.
The men began to relax and felt like they could ask more. “What did you do after the Rangers,” another asked.
As the night went on Jay revealed more about himself. He walked a careful line revealing just enough for the guys to feel he trusted them, but not so much that they could really know him. His vulnerabilities were very much locked safely away. Just as he liked it.
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Training had ended. In three hours, they would be receiving their orders and objectives.
“Soldiers, you have until 1500 hours to get your things in order. Make sure your packs are fully loaded, any final documentation re next of kin signed, and any personal correspondence you’d like to send completed.”
Jay quickly double checked his pack. Canteen filled, change of clothes folded, energy bars stashed, compass, maps, radios. Check. Check. Check. Weapons assessment. Check.
He ensured all his insurance forms were filled out. Should anything happen to him Hailey would receive a hefty life insurance pay out- one of the perks of working with a mercenary company. The risks are high, but the pay is high too.
He had 90 minutes left to write to her. After a brief hesitation it poured out.
Hailey,
I am so sorry I haven’t called or written. They took our phones away – I didn’t realize I would be cut off from the rest of the world.
Walking away from our apartment was the hardest thing I have ever done. Knowing that I hurt you so profoundly will be a stain on my sense of self forever.
You have always accepted me for exactly who I am. You saw the best in me. Your love has not only made me a better man but has elevated my vision of what I could hope to achieve.
You deserve the man you believe me to be. I want to give that back to you.
Ever since the Walton/North mess I have lost my compass. I am here to regain what used to be an innate sense of right and wrong.
I know this is hard, and the next 8 months will not be easy for you. You must feel abandoned. You have every right to say fuck this. I can’t blame you however you respond.
Just know that every step I take is a step back to you. You are not only the love of my life. Hailey, you are my life. Please take care of yourself. Whatever you need to get through this is fair game.
Our assignment is a deep undercover mission. I will be radio silent for some time.
Please know that every piece of me loves you. If these past two weeks have been any indication, you will be in my thoughts every second of this tour.
I don’t know the next time I will be able to write or call. But no matter what remember there is an invisible string between my heart and yours. We will always be connected no matter what.
With all my heart,
Jay
He looked at the letter. Ugh no this is all wrong. But with only 5 minutes left before their debrief, he folded into the addressed envelope. He kissed the seal- almost trying to make his passion travel through osmosis to her lips.
He quickly scribbled a note to Will too,
I will be out of touch for a while. Be well. Please take care of my big brother. Check in on Hailey for me every now and again, will you?
I love you brother.
Jay
He considered writing others in intelligence but there was no time. He didn’t say goodbye and doing so in a letter felt awkward. His explanation would have to wait for another day.
Now that he sent his thoughts to her, he had to focus on the task at hand. Leading his squad of 24 men safely through whatever laid ahead.