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TK doesn’t know what time it is.
It’s somewhere in the early hours of the morning judging by how long he laid in bed unable to fall asleep. Now the darkness of the living room surrounds him and there’s not a sound in the loft as he sits on the couch, head buried in his hands.
It’s not that he doesn’t want to go lay down next to Carlos, it’s that he can’t lay down next to him without a million thoughts swirling through his head. Although it’s not like his mind is any quieter out here.
He’s not surprised to hear the bedroom door roll open not long after TK had quietly shut it, neither of them have ever been good at sleeping without the other nearby, especially when an uncertainty has settled around them. Still, TK doesn’t look up yet.
“Are you okay?” Carlos’ asks quietly, full of hesitance. It’s a seemingly innocuous question, but right now it holds the weight of the world.
“I will be,” TK says after a breath. There's never been a doubt in his mind on if they’d get past this, just how to get through it when it’s still so raw. “It’s just… a lot to process.”
“Yeah,” Carlos says quietly and TK turns his head slightly to look at him. His hands are jammed in his pockets and he shifts on his feet and it’s such a familiar sight that the words come tumbling out of TK’s mouth.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks quietly, the one part of this all he can’t quite grasp.
He watches as Carlos nods, like he’s been waiting for that question since he broke the news. “I just found out she was alive right when we got together officially,” he says, sounding small. He looks at TK cautiously and it’s not hard to put together why. “I was worried that it would be too much too soon and it would break us,” he confesses.
That’s fair, TK thinks. He tries to picture himself back then, how he would’ve reacted to the news. Most of the build up to them becoming officially them was filled with TK half-convinced that he was going to get hurt again. That he didn’t deserve love. That the other shoe would drop. He was certain about Carlos when they finally got together, but news like that would have scared him.
But that time is just a fraction of their relationship.
“That was a long time ago, Carlos,” TK says slowly. “I’d like to think that we–that I–have grown up since then.”
“You have,” Carlos says immediately and TK would like it to be reassuring, but Carlos’ awareness of it only means there’s a different reason why he never said anything.
“Would you even have told me if I didn’t propose, Carlos?” TK question, unable to stop the small spark of fire in his voice. Carlos told him now because it’s a physical, legal barrier, but what about all the times they talked about their future together when it was just some day. “I mean you want to marry me, right?”
With that Carlos finally crosses the room, sinking down onto a couch cushion but not close enough to touch. TK watches as his hand reaches forward and then he abandons the movement halfway through like he isn’t sure if it would be welcomed.
TK crosses the bridge for him. Though part of him needs time to process this on his own, he took some time for himself this afternoon after his meeting to do just that. His mind still feels like a tangled mess, but slowly the pieces are sorting themselves out. He and Carlos are going to work through this, he’s certain of that. Shying away from each other and worrying if reaching out is no longer okay isn’t going to help them, so TK holds his hand.
Carlos relaxes as the contact before squeezing his fingers tight, focusing on the whole question that spurred him to come to TK’s side in the first place. “TK, of course I want to marry you. I promise that’s all I want.”
TK didn’t doubt that. Not now, not after talking in the bunkroom about the venues and the date and doing so with a smile, but that’s not what he meant. Carlos bought this loft for them. He was fully committed long before TK woke him up at three in the morning.
“You wanted to marry me before I proposed,” TK corrects, “and yet you didn’t do anything to tell me or change the fact that you’re already married.”
Carlos averts his gaze. “I know. I’m sorry.”
“I’m asking for a why, Carlos.”
He nods and TK stays silent to let him collect his thoughts, their hands still resting together in a grounding presence. TK’s thumb absentmindedly strokes over Carlos’ knuckles until it catches on his ring finger and he falters. Has Carlos already worn a wedding ring? Part of him feels a little ridiculous for worrying about whether Carlos wore one before TK had even met him, but something about being the first–the only– person to slide a ring onto Carlos’ finger, to call him his husband, made him giddy. And now that’s not exactly true.
TK supposes that’s not fair, if he did wear one at one point, that doesn’t make the rings they give each other now any less significant. Their marriage is worlds away from what Carlos and Iris had. Then again he supposes there’s no one correct way to feel about a situation like this.
“I didn't want to face that part of my past,” Carlos says quietly, pulling TK out of his thoughts. “I just… I have a hard time talking about things that are going to… I don’t know. Rock the boat, I guess? Make me feel out of control. Telling my parents you were my boyfriend and then not telling my parents we broke up…” he trails off.
“Yeah,” TK says simply. That’s not exactly news to him and in a way, without his feelings involved, he can understand that. But he needs a husband who isn’t going to shy away from every hard conversation with him.
Carlos exhales and then risks a glance at TK before looking down again. “When I’m with you I don’t even feel like that same person. The person from my past, the one who married her. It’s easy to just put it in a box and act like it’s behind me and focus on you and our future, but that’s not an excuse,” he says, looking up sharply. “That’s not fair to you and I’m so sorry, TK.”
TK exhales. It’s not a perfect explanation, but he’s not sure if anything would be. This is what they have and now that it's out there, they can start trying to work through it. It’s a fault of Carlos’, but it’s not all he is.
“I know you are. And I know you have a tendency to keep parts of your life in separate boxes but—” he cuts himself off when Carlos looks at him, almost in surprise. “I know you,” TK tells him, a little fondly by the way Carlos forms a small smile. “Even if this part of your past is a big part of you I didn’t know, you’re still the man I’m going to marry. But Carlos, you can't keep doing that. The whole boxes thing.”
He nods once, never breaking eye contact. “I’m going to do better. You deserve better.”
TK slips his hand further into Carlos’ palm at the promise. They’ve already grown so much in the time they’ve known each other, he doesn’t doubt that either of them will continue to do the work. “I know vulnerability is sometimes hard for you, but I’m going to be your husband. I just need you to be honest with me.”
“I will be,” he promises.
TK exhales, shifting a little closer on the couch. “It’s going to take some time to get used to this and honestly, I still don’t know what to make of all of it, but I love you. And we’ll get through it.”
Carlos exhales and when he blinks a few times, his eyes are more watery than they were a minute ago. He pulls TK’s hand up to his mouth, kissing the back of it and then holding it there for a beat longer. TK thinks he hears him murmur ‘thank you’ but the words are mumbled against his skin and it’s impossible to make out for sure.
“I love you, too. So much, TK,” he says, this time loud and clear.
“I know,” TK smiles softly.
Carlos brings his other hand to their combined ones, watching as they twist around each other, and then confesses. “I was going to say this in my vows, but I think I should tell you now.”
TK tilts his head in confusion. “Tell me what?”
Carlos looks up at him, his wide eyes so full of love that TK almost feels it in his chest. “That when I saw you in that honky tonk that night, I thought to myself ‘I’m gonna marry that man’.”
The statement should seem a little absurd, a little unbelievable, and considering today's events it should just feel like a line. And from anyone else it might, but TK has always known Carlos' love has run deep for him since long before he was willing to let him in. “You did?” he asks quietly and Carlos nods, seemingly caught up in the memories of that night just as TK is.
But then he clears his throat. “I got married before because I was so lost, TK. And I didn’t know what my future looked like.”
TK shakes his head. “I’m not upset about the marriage, Carlos. I know we grew up a lot differently, but I understand.”
“I know, but I still want to tell you this,” he says and TK nods at him to continue. “At the time I didn’t think I’d ever be able to marry someone for real… And then I saw you. Someone who I could love and who’d love me in return and it—you are all I’ve ever wanted since then.”
“Baby,” TK whispers, the pet name feeling good coming out of his mouth after not using it all night.
Carlos takes a deep breath, squeezing TK’s hand tight, and with all the conviction in the world he says, “I'm gonna marry you. I’m gonna get that divorce like I should have done a long time ago and then I’m going to marry you. I promise I’ll fix this.”
“Okay,” he accepts. That’s all he really wants too. They can’t just forget this happened, but it’ll be much easier to work through knowing that in just a short eight weeks, Carlos will be his husband.
“I love you,” Carlos repeats again and TK stands up, stepping between his legs and bending to press a long kiss to his forehead.
“I love you, too,” he promises. “Let’s get some sleep.”
TK holds out his hand and Carlos takes it, fingers sliding together like they did that night under the aurora borealis. A team, TK recalls. And that they are.