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2005
Olivia wasn’t quite sure how this became a thing : Elliot spending more and more time at her apartment now that he was separated.
Now that he actually admitted it out loud.
It wasn’t like he never came over before. But what used to be a quick drop-by to hand off a file became takeout. And beers. And trash TV.
Elliot now liked to make himself at home on the far end of her couch, pull her favorite fluffy pink blanket from the basket, and wrap it around himself as he sipped his beer and made comments about American Idol contestants like he was a record producer instead of a cop who couldn’t carry a tune if his life depended on it.
“C’mon,” Elliot said, waving the bottle in the direction of the screen. “She really thinks she’s going to be able to do Whitney justice?”
It was amusing, in a way. The big strong detective cuddled up in pink fluff.
It made something inside her chest ache a bit to see him this way. He looked happy, content, if not pissed off with what the contestants were doing.
It was something she was rare to see from him this day, anything other than anger and brooding intensity.
There was a chill in the air and in her apartment. She needed to talk to the super about the damn drafty windows.
Though she normally tried to keep her distance from Elliot on these nights, her toes were cold, and she just wanted her own damn blanket.
Slowly she slid her legs toward the middle cushion, wiggling her toes toward the edge of the blanket, trying to dip them inside.
Her breath caught for a second as Elliot focused his eyes on her, looking down at her feet begging for entrance. He set his beer bottle down and reached out with both hands to pull at her ankles. She slid down the couch a bit with a squeak as he covered her lower legs with a corner of the blanket, resting his hand on her calf as he continued to make comments about how the Idol girl couldn’t hit the high notes.
2006
Olivia couldn’t stop herself from shaking as she collapsed onto her couch. She didn’t even bother turning any lights on.
These last few days had been hell.
The kidnapping. The manhunt. The knife to her throat. The gun to his head.
The bomb he dropped in the hospital hallway.
She wasn’t going to give him the chance to run. She wasn’t going to get left behind because she and this job were the only things he had left, and he decided that she was a liability to his job.
Today she marched into Cragen’s office and asked for a new partner.
And when he all but laughed at her and asked her where he was going to find her one of those, she asked for a transfer.
She started in Computer Crimes tomorrow.
Olivia pulled off her shoes and threw them somewhere in the direction of the coffee table. She peeled her coat off and tossed it over the back of the couch, and she reached under the end table for a blanket.
That was the biggest mistake she could have made.
The one on top still smelled like him from a few nights ago. The night before the Gitano case started. He’d stayed late after pizza and beer and slept under it right there where she was laying now.
It still smelled like him. Smelled like before .
Olivia didn’t mean to, but she fell asleep right there under the thing, his scent invading her nostrils.
When she woke up she almost forget what had happened, until she realized he wasn’t actually there with her and the good memories floating through her mind had all been a dream.
2007
“Liv, I thought we weren’t doing gifts this year,” Elliot said as his eyes fell to the bag propped on his desk chair.
“See, the thing is El, you decided that three weeks ago,” Olivia said. “And I’ve had this for six months.”
“You could have just kept whatever it was for yourself,” Elliot said, lifting the bag onto his desk and sitting in the chair. “Or returned it.”
“No,” Olivia said. “I actually couldn’t. It’s being discontinued. All sales final. And I don’t need a second one.”
Elliot cocked an eyebrow before reaching into the bag. She watched his face contort because he couldn’t quite understand what he was touching. Then he pulled out the corner.
“Is this your…” he trailed off.
“It’s not mine ,” she said. “It’s yours. A new one. Got you one of your own.”
“Why this?” Elliot asked with a laugh.
“Well I know how much you love it,” she said. “Considering you used it every time you visited for nearly two years.”
“I did not,” he said.
“You did so,” she said with a smirk. “And now I figured since you won’t be coming over as much but you’ll still be up into the wee hours of the morning with a crying newborn, you could use it while you bottle feed and fight the urge to buy steak knives.”
Handing the gift over was painful. It’s why she had to put it on his desk when he was in interrogation. She knew what she was really doing. Saying goodbye to all their possibilities. He went back to Kathy. They had Eli. Whatever could have potentially blossomed between the two of them under that blanket in her living room wasn’t going to happen anymore.
But she couldn’t bear the thought of him not having it. And she didn’t want to give up her own because it was comfortable, damn it.
So she bought her big macho partner a fluffy pink blanket. And by the wetness swimming in his blue eyes, she was pretty sure he liked it.
“Thanks, Liv,” he whispered.
“You’re welcome,” she whispered back.
2009
If Olivia was being honest with herself, she felt like trash.
But now that her partner arrived at her front door with a case file asking if she had a connection to a dead rapist biker, she surely wasn’t going to let him see that.
But who was she kidding? He could see right through her. He’d grabbed the fluffy pink blanket from the couch and wrapped her up in it while she was sitting on the stool, and pushed her back down for a nap before he finished making her tea.
“Thanks for that,” she said, nodding at where he put the mug on a coaster on the coffee table.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Elliot asked. “You just… I’ve never seen you look quite so…”
“What did I tell you about the sweet talk?” she said, leaning into her elbow to cough.
“How about I stay a while?” he asked.
“Don’t you have to work on the case?” she asked.
“Fin and Munch are down at their clubhouse looking for answers,” Elliot said. “I have a little bit of time.”
Elliot dropped down to the floor next to the couch, right near her head.
“Don’t get too close,” she said. “You don’t want to get it too.”
“I’ve got a toddler at home, Liv,” he said. “I’m gonna get something soon anyway. Don’t worry about me. Just try to get some sleep.”
He shifted around on the floor, turning to tuck the blanket more securely around her.
She didn’t remember drifting off, but she must have. When she woke there was a note on the coffee table.
“ M&F got a lead. Meeting them back at the house. Drink your tea. Stay warm. - E ”
Olivia couldn’t help but smile to herself as she lifted the mug to her lips and caught sight of the clock. She’d been asleep for two hours and the tea was still warm. He must have nuked it again for her before he left.
She’d be damned if she’d admit she was actually sick. But she couldn’t deny how good it felt to have someone take care of her for once.
2011
She’d spent an hour in the precinct bathroom trying to scrub Sonya’s blood off her hands.
Logically, she could see with her own eyes that it was gone. Her hands were raw from how hard she worked them under the stream, with the bar of soap from the showers. But in her mind, it was still there.
“Liv,” Elliot said, from somewhere behind her. “Olivia.”
He came up behind her and turned off the water, pulling a few paper towels from the dispenser and wrapping them around her hands.
“Let’s go home,” he said. “It’s time to go home.”
She didn’t argue. Didn’t even speak on the ride. She didn’t fight him when he parked the car, got out and opened her door, and followed her into the building.
She let him lead her to the elevator, open her door with his key. He was the one who took off her jacket and slid down to remove her boots. All she did was lift her feet out.
“You need to change,” he said. “You’ll feel better if you do.”
“Can’t,” was all she could murmur, leaning against the pillar for the island.
“There’s still blood on your shirt,” Elliot said. “I know you don’t want to leave it on.”
All Olivia did was bite her lip.
Elliot sighed and shed his own coat and shoes before heading to her bedroom. He returned with a pair of sweatpants, a tank top, and that grey hoodie they passed back and forth for years.
Without saying anything, Elliot looked at her, the question present in his eyes.
She nodded.
Slowly, he lifted her shirt and the tank underneath it away from her body, tossing them into a pile on the floor. He slid the new tank top over her head and wrapped her in the hoodie before zipping it halfway up. Then he moved to her belt buckle, making quick work of it before popping the button on her pants and pushing them down to the ground. He tapped her ankles for her to lift her feet up and out of the work pants and into the sweats before he drew them up to rest on her hips.
“Is that better?” Elliot asked, standing to look down at her from their sleight height difference.
She nodded, but her eyes said something else.
Elliot took her by the hand and led her to the couch, reaching for the pink blanket as he went. He pulled her down next to him, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and pulling the blanket around the both of them, letting her cuddle into his side.
When her head hit his chest, the dam finally broke.
“She shouldn’t have had to die so we could get answers,” Olivia choked out through sobs she was trying to keep under control.
“I know,” Elliot said. “But she was a pit bull right up to the end. She got him.”
“I know she did,” Olivia said. “But this has been such a shit year. After Calvin, and now this.”
“Well, here’s the good news,” Elliot said. “A rainbow usually follows the rain. And you’ve had more than enough rain in the last few months, Liv.”
They woke up in the same position, cuddled under that blanket, the next morning.
Three months later he shot Jenna in the precinct.
Seven months later he disappeared.
And it just continued to rain.
2013
Although she was moving out of this apartment she had to come back one last time to see it for herself.
It’d been nearly two months and she’d been squatting at Brian’s while they looked for a place together, one they could call theirs. Her landlord thankfully hadn’t been charging her rent for those two months. He wouldn’t have been able to rent it out to anyone after it’d been all over the news and Olivia suspected he felt a bit guilty for not having better security on the place after what happened.
She didn’t tell Brian she was coming back of course. He would have tried to talk her out of it. So would Fin. So would Nick and Cragen.
But she had to see it.
She’d spent the majority of her adult life in that apartment. It was home. And William Lewis destroyed it.
CSC had been through here to wipe the blood off the floor and the walls and get rid of anything that would be harmful to humans or society. But they hadn’t done much else. Since she was a live victim, it wasn’t the cleanup crew’s job to put her apartment or her life back in order.
She had to do that herself.
Olivia put the cardboard box down on the couch, making her way through each room and tracing Lewis’ path of destruction. She was fighting the bile in the back of her throat. Broken picture frames, overturned furniture, and chipped vases on the tables.
When she stepped into her bedroom she saw something she’d forgotten about strewn on the floor.
The pink blanket from her living room. She’d tucked it away in the closet over a year ago, putting it on a high shelf where she wouldn’t be tempted to reach for it.
But here it was, pulled out while Lewis was likely looking for something to wrap her in and carry her down the fire escape. He’d settled for her comforter instead. But he hadn’t spared the old blanket or done it any favors.
He must have dropped a cigarette or two on it because there were scorch marks in the fabric. His heavy, dirty bootprints were a stark contrast to the pastel color. But what really made her stomach roll was the off-white stain splattered across it.
She thought maybe she could wash away the bootprints. She could get patches for the burn holes. But after seeing that stain she knew she couldn’t take this blanket with her. It had to stay here and die along with the rest of her memories. Just one more thing William Lewis took from her. One of the last good memories she had of the man who she wanted to bust into the beach house and save her.
But Olivia should have known better by now.
She was always going to have to save herself.
2023
This was still new to Olivia, being back in the same orbit as Elliot.
Sure, he’d been back for over two years now but they’d been tense, angry, awkward, guilty around one another for most of that time.
Now she was the one coming to his apartment when her kid was the one off on another weekend adventure with his half-brother and the Stepford parents (who really were nice enough, but they surely didn’t live in Olivia’s version of reality).
How times had changed.
They had a nice dinner that Elliot cooked, and they drank wine on the patio while his blues records played from inside.
There was still nothing more than friendship between them for now , so when it seemed the evening was winding down, Olivia was torn. She didn’t want to leave, but that was probably what was socially acceptable.
Although the socially acceptable side of her brain wasn’t the one that packed an overnight bag and stashed it in her trunk just in case .
“You wanna watch some crap TV?” Elliot asked, picking up both of their wine glasses from the patio table. “I think I recorded Name That Tune on Wednesday.”
“Setting yourself up for failure, are you?” Olivia asked, following him inside.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked, rinsing the glasses out in the sink as she leaned against the island.
“You know I kick ass at any and all trivia games,” she said. “Especially music trivia.”
“Maybe I picked up a thing or two in Italy,” he said, placing the glasses in the drying rack and coming around the island to meet her.
“Doubt it,” Olivia said. “Remember, I’ve got an 11-year-old who’s obsessed with TikTok living in my house. I know all the popular stuff these days.”
“Is that so?” Elliot asked, reaching his hands out and putting them on her hips.
Even though they weren’t together yet, this touching was his new schtick. He’s grab her arm, her waist, her hips, anything he could get his hands on when he was in reach.
“Bring it, Benson,” he said, spinning her around and leading her to the couch.
He flopped down first, pulling her to lay on top of him between his legs so they could both see the TV from their positions. She felt Elliot stretch and then something was floating down over her body.
It was soft, pink, and something she hadn’t seen in almost 10 years.
Olivia reached her hand out and ran it over the familiar fabric.
“You still have this,” she said, her voice barely a whisper.
“Of course,” Elliot said. “It’s my favorite blanket. Made the move to Italy and back. I used to curl up with it on the couch in our apartment there. The first time Maureen brought Keiran and Seamus to visit us over there they were just babies. I’d lay them out on it for tummy time and watch them wiggle around.”
Olivia felt a flood of emotions hitting her all at once.
She never would have dreamed he still had this, let alone hauled it overseas and back or shared it with his grandsons.
“You don’t still have yours?” Elliot asked. “You loved that thing.”
Olivia closed her eyes, trying to get the image of the last time she saw it out of her head.
“No, it, uh, it became a casualty over the years,” she said.
“Noah hit it with some grape juice or something when he was a kid?” Elliot asked.
“It was something worse than that,” she said. “I don’t want to talk about it tonight if that’s okay.”
She heard Elliot suck in a breath but he didn’t ask anything else, just tightened his arms around her and the blanket around them both.
“S’okay,” Elliot said, leaning his chin down to rest on the top of her head. “I think we only need one these days anyway. It’s big enough to share.”
“Didn’t think you liked to share,” she said, lightly jabbing her elbow back into his ribs.
“I’ll share anything with you,” he said. “As long as you’ll let me.”
Olivia let out a content sigh and found his hand on top of the blanket.
“I’m going to hold you to that,” she said.
“Good,” Elliot said, pressing the play button on the DVR.
Maybe, Olivia thought, someday she’d be able to share everything with him too.
But for now, this was enough.