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Spencer was tired, he knew that he talked too much, that he bored other people. But he thought that the team was different. They wanted him and therefore they were okay with listening to him. But he was wrong. While he had trouble reading social situations, he was not stupid. They did not want coffee while he was talking, they did not just suddenly get the urge to get something. It was that the team just did not want to listen to him.
Spencer should have known better, he got too comfortable and that is why he is in this situation now. All his childhood and when he grew up he had never allowed himself to be comfortable. That is because when he got comfortable he got excited and he did not know when to stop. He had felt at home, that the team was his family. But that was his mistake because they did not want to listen to him, they got annoyed with him, and soon they would leave him. It was his fear of abandonment that was the root of this.
But now Spencer just felt tired, he wanted to be liked, and he did not want the team to leave him. To think that his father left such a big wound that it was not healed yet. To be left alone with his thoughts, to be alone and scared of his own mind. That was a hell of its own.
When Spencer got to work the next day, he felt like a ghost of himself. He sat down at his desk and worked, he watched as the team just said a quick hello to him but went away to talk to someone else. No one stopped to talk to him, they never wanted to talk to him if he did not have some information that they wanted. It hurt so much to see, to feel that he was the only one reaching out.
Dr. Sweets was thinking about Spencer, he knew that he was having a hard time. He knew that Spencer felt like he was an outsider, and no matter how much Sweet’s told him that he should talk to his team he never did it. Sweet could see exactly what Spencer was doing, he wasn’t bringing up his problems because he was scared that if he did that then that would be the last straw for the team. That they would abandon him.
It was one of the hardest parts of being a psychologist was seeing people self-destruct, Spencer had given up. In a way Spencer was not wrong he had learned from his past experiences that people would leave when he was no longer useful. People during his whole childhood used and abused him. And that was where the problem was, his team did not understand what their comments meant to him. Had Spencer not suffered through it all then it would be no problem. But Spencer saw everything through his lens of trauma.
Sweet’s walked to where Spencer was working, he looked around and there was Spencer at his desk. While the rest of his team was making coffee, talking, and laughing together. He could see the loneliness hanging off Spencer. To be a group full of profilers they sure missed when their own were not feeling good. He got Spencer to his office and they sat down in front of each other.
“Spencer, will you tell me what is happening?”
“I am just tired, tonight when I lay in my bed, I was just thinking about all the times they shut me up, they never speak to me like they do the rest. they never ask follow-up questions, they speak to me when they want something. I am just a tool in their box.” Spencer looked down at his hands as he spoke.
“If you feel that way, what will you do about it?” Lance tried to look at Spencer’s face but he did not want to meet his gaze.
“Well it is obvious that they don’t want me to speak, so I will stop.”
“Spencer, both you and I know that that is not healthy, why don’t you try talking with them instead?”
“No, there, there is no use, it is better this way, thanks for listening Sweets.” After Spencer was done talking he left Lance's office, leaving Lance with a sense of dread.
Spencer did not feel like taking Lance's advice, he knew how to fix this whole situation, so it was unnecessary that he should try to communicate, they all had made their feelings loud and clear. It was that day that Spencer decided that he would not talk if it was not necessary for a case. He did not want to give the team a single reason for leaving him all alone.
The next day at work Morgan asked Spencer about some statistics and Spencer gave it, but before he could go on he bit his tongue. And from Spencer’s view, it all got better after that. The team wanted to sit by him more, they asked him questions and he, he was normal, masking, he was not an autistic genius now, he was going to be just like everyone else.
But in Spencer’s efforts to be better, he missed something obvious. The way the team looked at him in concern. The way they all spoke together trying to understand what was happening. He missed how much his team worried, no one knew what they should do. Spencer had never shut down like this before. So they decided to observe and see if they could find a solution, but at the same time make sure that Spencer knew that they were there for him.
Hotch left his office, walked with decided steps to the elevator, went down a floor, and walked to dr. Sweet’s office. He knew what he was doing was unprofessional, but at the moment he did not care. Hotch had taken Spencer under his wing when he had first come to the BAU. He made sure to invite Spencer to dinners and they spoke for hours sometimes. But as the years went by, he stopped. Not by choice but it felt like there was no time to do everything that he wanted, he needed to prioritize Jack, and Spencer fell truth to the cracks.
It hurt so much to admit, but now it was obvious to everyone on the team, even Rossi who was new could see that Spencer was hurting. It was so obvious but none of them knew what to do. So here he went to Sweets. He knew that Spencer had a good relationship with Sweets, they liked each other. If Spencer would have gone to anyone with his problems he would have gone to Sweets.
He knocked on the door and waited to be told to walk in. There Lance Sweets was sitting at his desk doing paperwork. Lance seemed very much like Spencer, it hurt to see the similarities. Hotch sat down on the sofa where the patients usually sat and Lance sat down in front of him.
“I am guessing that this has to do with Spencer?”
“Yes, I do not know what to do, he doesn't talk anymore.” Lance sighed heavily before sitting up straighter to talk.
“I am only telling you this because I am not his psychologist, I am his friend. Spencer has truth his whole life been afraid of being too much. If he is too much of a genius, people will leave, if he is too autistic people will leave, and so on. He will do anything in his power to make sure that people will stay, even if that means that he is hurting himself. That is all I am going to tell you.”
Hotch leaned back, thinking about what could have happened. Spencer was scared of being too much, and now he was not talking. Hotch thought back to every interaction he had watched with people interacting with Spencer. It all had a common thread.
“Coffee”, “Can you stop”, “I am sorry I asked”, “Looking for where I asked,” Reid,” They all just shut him up. They all knew that Spencer had problems with people leaving, it was obvious to anyone who looked closely. Spencer took them interrupting him like they did not want to speak, so he stopped speaking. The thought was almost too painful for Hotch to think about.
Later that day in his office Hotch was making up a plan on how he could get Spencer to feel included again. But before he could go too far, they got a new case.
It was during that case when Hotch and Spencer were sitting in the car on a stakeout. All the other times this had happened, Spencer had gladly been talking but now he was silent, just looking outside his window.
“You know Spencer, I never meant for our dinners to stop.” Hotch waited until Spencer looked at him before he continued. “It had just been too much, with Haley, and being a single parent, I forgot how much those dinners meant to me. So I would love it if after this case you came and had dinner with me and Jack. Like we used to.” Spencer looked at Hotch in shock before speaking.
“Are you sure, I do not want to intrude on the time you have with Jack, I know how much it means to you:”
“Trust me, Jack has also been missing you. His newest obsession is space, and he tells me almost every day, "Uncle Spencer would know the answer to my questions.” Hotch felt victory when Spencer lit up in a smile.
After the case was over Spencer was heading to Hotch’s apartment. He had really missed the dinners with Hotch that he had when he first started on the team. He understood why they stopped but it still hurt. And now to hear that not only did Hotch miss them, Jack missed him too. It felt great.
Morgan was at the office right after the case. He wanted to get some things done before going home. It was rare that Spencer and Hotch left directly after the case, usually, they stayed to work but not this time. It had also not gone unnoticed that Spencer seemed happier than he had been in a long while.
When Morgan saw him so happy it made him think. When was the last time, he had seen Spencer so happy? It hurt that he could not remember. If he only knew why Spencer had started to draw from the team. Why did he stop reaching out? But a cold feeling came over Morgen. Because that was right, Spencer had been the one reaching out, he had been the one who tried. But they all had been so involved in their own lives that they had not given Spencer the time of a day.
Morgan had been busy with his girlfriend, Garcia with Kevin, JJ with Henry and Will, Hotch with Jack, and Emily with making a place for herself here. They all had left Spencer behind, they did not give him the effort that he gave them. That was why it was so obvious now Spencer stopped trying. Never before had that happened and that was why it was such a shock when he stopped.
Morgan walked over to Garcia’s office and he needed someone to talk to. He needed to get an idea of how they could fix this. He cared for Spencer as a brother, and he was hurting right now. It was time for him to step up and make sure that he knew that they loved and cared about him.
It was the next day when it all came to a head. Spencer was happy that he had gotten time with Hotch and Jack, they even listened to the things that he had to say. But when he came back to the office the next day, the dread that he had been feeling came back. It felt cruel that he got to see and feel how it all was before, and now he needed to go back. He sat at his desk when Morgan approached him.
“Hey Spencer,” That got him to look up Morgan only called him Reid or a nickname never his first name. “I just wanted to say, I am here if you want to talk.” Spencer looked at Morgan’s face and for some reason, he just started to laugh.
“I do not understand you!” Spencer said with a harsh voice that got the attention of the rest of the team.
“What is it that you don’t understand?”
“Why do you all keep sending mixed signals, but you know there is no meaning in speaking of this!” Hotch walked up to them and said “everyone at the conference room now.” They all walked up there in silence and sat down.
“Now Spencer could you please tell me what you don’t understand?” Hotch asked and Spencer looked at his face, he saw that Hotch had figured it out.
“It is obvious that you know so why don’t you tell them! I am just doing what is asked of me!” It shocked the team to see Spencer screaming was odd enough, but screaming at Hotch was so out of character.
“Spencer, I want to hear it from your words.”
“Everyone says that if you are autistic then you will have a hard time reading other people's emotions, but you told me your thoughts loud and clear, so when I fixed the problem that you all found, you then proceeded to get mad at me. I don’t understand!” That was when Morgan spoke up.
“What is it we have been telling you?”
“You all wanted me to stop talking! No! you don’t get to look at me like that, I know I am right. Every single time I opened my mouth you all said, did I ask, sorry I asked, not now, stop talking, I can tell you every instance where you told me to shut up. And when I do then you get angry over that! I don’t understand!”
“Reid, Spencer, I will be the first one to admit, I have not been treating you fairly, I felt like I was too busy to listen, but now I realize how wrong I was, and for that, I would like to say that I am sorry, I will do my best to never make you feel like that again:'' Spencer looked over at Hotch, and he did not do anything to hide his feelings. Spencer could see that he meant what he was saying, and, and it felt so good to hear that. To hear someone admit that they had not been treating him fairly. Spencer did not know what to do, in his confusion tears started to stream down his cheeks. Hotch stood up and hugged Spencer as he cried.
Soon the rest of the team joined the hug. They apologized and promised to try and do better. Spencer had at first believed that they would hold it for a week and then go back, but they didn't and when they slipped up they apologized. It felt so good to have people to actually talk to. Even if that meant he had to suffer from Lance's smug grin.