Chapter Text
"It should not be forgotten how much the loser contributes to almost any game." - Lord Dunsany
Neelix delivered the first bouts of mail that came through the alien array while Chakotay was on the bridge.
“Ahem. I’m happy to announce that I have the first letters from home.” Neelix said excitedly.
Harry was excited for the prospect of getting a letter from home and asked, “Who are they for Neelix?”
Chakotay wasn’t expecting to get anything so when Neelix walked over and handed him a PADD, Chakotay was surprised.
“Ah, this one is addressed to Commander Chakotay. Who’s it from, Commander?”
Chakotay’s surprise only grew when he saw who wrote the letter. It was Sveta. Chakotay sucked in a breath, he definitely wasn’t expecting a letter from someone in the Maquis, because it would’ve meant going through Starfleet to get this to him. He realised that something must’ve happened if Sveta could send a letter.
“An old friend. The person who recruited me into the Maquis.”
“Commander, aren’t you going to read it?”
Chakotay smiled up at the Talaxian. “Yes, but I will do so in my office.”
Neelix looked deflated when Chakotay said he would read his letter in private, Tom noticed this and piped up, “Neelix. These are personal letters, I’m sure that whatever the Commander’s letter contains it’s for his eyes only. He wouldn’t want it to be the topic of gossip around Voyager .”
Chakotay’s eyes widened at Paris’s remarks. Chakotay knew that Tom Paris was one of Voyager’s biggest gossip machine, yet he was respecting Chakotay’s privacy now? Chakotay was surprised to say the least, but he knew why. If Tom were to get a letter from home, he wouldn’t want others to know about it until he read the contents.
Neelix made his way off the bridge and Harry quickly piped up, “Neelix, wait a minute. Aren't there any more?”
Neelix shook his head, “No. No more for the bridge crew. Not yet. Be patient.”
Neelix then made his way into the turbolift and Chakotay took a second before smiling and said, “Thanks Tom. Tuvok you have the bridge, I’ll be in my office.”
As Chakotay stood to start leaving the bridge, Ayala took over for Tuvok at Tactical while Tuvok made his way down to the Captain’s chair while saying, “Acknowledged, Commander.”
Chakotay got inside the turbolift and he was alone, “Deck 3.” He slumped against the back with the PADD in hand, mind racing about the contents that could be on the PADD. The doors opened and Chakotay straightened himself, conscious that he might meet a crewmember on his way to his office. Luckily there was no one around and as soon as his office doors closed Chakotay slouched and trudged over to the replicator to grab a tea.
“Herbal tea, blend 12.” The replicator spat out the tea, it was one that Kathryn had made and he enjoyed it quite a bit. He took a sip of the tea as he made his way to his couch area and put his feet up on the coffee table. Chakotay started to read the contents of the PADD.
To: Commander Chakotay
From: Svetlana Korepanova
Subject: The Maquis
Hi Chakotay.
Congratulations, you made it back into Starfleet. I knew you wanted to go back. (Sorry, had to say it, but seriously though, you joined the ranks of Starfleet again?!)
Truth is that I’m in prison, but Starfleet told all of the Maquis that are in prison that your crew is alive and working with Voyager’s crew. That you are the First Officer.
I have bad news Chakotay. The Cardassians teamed up with a power in the Gamma Quadrant called the Dominion. About a year ago they attacked our main base; Tevlik’s Moon. Turns out it was one of our own that told the Cardassians/Dominion pieces of arseholes the location of our base. Arak Katal. If that guy ever shows up, we are going to punch his little Bajoran face in. I overheard someone say that he might’ve been a changeling, but I don’t care; he decimated us all. The only Maquis alive are the few of us in prison and your crew on Voyager . But Starfleet is talking about giving us all pardons to help fight in their cause, considering that we were right afterall. I’ll only take it if they grant us full immunity, because I don’t want to be free only to end up back in prison.
Michael Eddington, Cal Hudson, Gradrak Kaz, Tom Riker, Ro Laren and my cells are the only ones really left alive. Except; Kaz was killed, but his cell got out, Riker is in a Cardassian prison but his cell is here in New Zealand, Laren and I are actually bunked together here in this cell. Michael was killed too, saving Sisko of all people too. But he managed to get his people out.
Stay safe out there Chakotay. I hope that when you make it back, that we can all be free together. Only a hundred or so of us are alive still. Please tell them. Maybe, I hope that the Starfleet crew that you are with will support you. Even though we all don’t really believe in them.
Chakotay, I’m sorry to be handing you this news. I hope that the Starfleet crew that you are with will support you.
Many Regards,
Sveta
“It’s our crew Sveta. Our crew.” Chakotay whispered. Tears streamed out of his eyes. He couldn’t believe that their cause had been decimated.
He tapped his combadge and cleared his throat making sure it wasn’t thick from crying. “Chakotay to Janeway.”
“Janeway here. Something wrong Commander?”
“I would like to request the rest of the day off. I’m not feeling too well. I think it was something I ate for breakfast.”
“Alright. I’ll cover for you. If you need anything, let me know. Feel better soon Chakotay.”
“Thank you, Captain. Chakotay out.”
Chakotay placed his tea into the replicator to recycle it and made his way back to his quarters, which luckily were a few doors down the hall. He made the quick journey to his quarters without running into anyone and as soon as the doors closed, he found the first thing he could fling across the room and threw it as hard as possible. He didn’t know if it shattered into a million pieces as he crumbled to the ground crying, tears coming from his eyes; from where? Chakotay had no idea. He hadn’t felt this helpless since he found the news about his colony and his father’s death.
=/\=
Kathryn was on her couch enjoying a cup of coffee when Chakotay hailed her. He seemed fine earlier, but then knowing Neelix’s cooking gastric distress could come at any time. Kathryn knew the first letters had started to come through and she wondered if any of the Maquis received letters. She tapped her console a couple of times but nothing came through, no information on whether any of them received letters. She tapped her hand on her Ready Room coffee table a couple of more times then decided to get up and go out to the bridge.
Kathryn walked through the door and Tuvok got up to hand the bridge back over and she stopped him just before he was to go up the steps to the Tactical station. Ayala had already moved away ready for Tuvok to take over.
“Has anyone on the bridge received letters from home yet?”
“Commander Chakotay has. May I ask why?”
“He has requested for the rest of the day off, feigned it off as something that Neelix cooked up. However, now I think it might be whatever the contents of his letter was. You have the bridge Tuvok. I’ll check up on the Commander, make sure he is ok.”
Tuvok nodded his affirmative and returned back to her chair as she moved herself into the turbolift. Ayala also makes his way back to the tactical station. Kathryn quickly told the turbolift where she would like to go. It was a short trip to deck 3 and the turbolift deposited Kathryn out and quickly made the trip to Chakotay’s quarters. As she stepped up to the threshold of the doors, she heard sobs.
Not just any sobs, big gut wrenching sobs. Kathryn’s hand stopped going to the chime mid air. Not sure how to continue. Maybe she should leave him alone, but no one should be alone, especially if he got bad news. Without overthinking anymore Kathryn pushed her hand to the chime. The crying stopped. Obviously Chakotay didn’t want his visitor to see his weakness. Chakotay weakly called out, “Just a minute.”
A minute passed and a small rough voice came through on the other side, “Come in.”
The doors opened and Kathryn walked far enough that the doors could close immediately. Kathryn pointed towards the replicator and asked, “Do you mind?” He shook his head slightly and she walked over to the replicator to grab a herbal tea blend 12 and a coffee for herself. She knew he was watching her every move wondering why she hadn't said anything. Kathryn grabbed the drinks then ordered the replicator to make a soup her grandmother made for whenever she was sad. She took the drinks over to the coffee table as the soups materialised and went back to grab the soups and bring them over to the couch.
“I know that you have received a letter and it’s probably some bad news. You probably don’t want to talk and that’s ok. This soup is my grandmother’s recipe, and she always made it whenever I was sad or angry. We can sit here in silence if that is what you want. But, you can’t be alone. Not right now.”
Chakotay was watching her with shiny eyes. Unsure, but curious. She sipped at her coffee and stared off to the stars. Sitting in silence. The chime rang out again. Kathryn quickly hopped up and made her way to the door. Neelix stood on the other side with a PADD in his hands. Excited, however, Kathryn’s mood was sombre. It was the mood of the room.
“This letter came for you Captain. It’s from Mark Johnson!” The Talaxian said excitedly.
Kathryn snatched the PADD and quickly said, “Thank you, Neelix. I will read it when I’m ready.”
Kathryn quickly retreated so that the doors could close. Kathryn made her way back to the couch and shrugged off her jacket, kicked off her boots to tuck her legs under herself on the couch. She grabbed the bowl of soup and started to eat it. Surprisingly it wasn’t that bad. Chakotay was still watching her. Kathryn didn’t press him or ask him about the letter. If he wanted to tell her, he would do so in his own time.
Chakotay leaned over to the table and grabbed the bowl of soup, and started eating it while Kathryn finished off her coffee. Chakotay finished his tea and Kathryn grabbed the dirty dishes to recycle in the replicator. Kathryn trudged back to the couch and tucked her legs underneath herself again. Chakotay reached over for the PADD his letter was on and passed it to her.
“Might as well read it. You are going to find out eventually.” Chakotay’s voice was thick from crying.
Kathryn turned on the PADD and started to read the contents.
Kathryn looked up to Chakotay, with tears in her eyes. She understood his grief better than he probably imagined. She thought about joining the Maquis once. She had grown to love each and every member of their crew. She had also learned to agree that the Maquis were right in their pursuit.
“I’m so sorry, Chakotay.” Kathryn swallowed, trying her damndest not to break down. Kathryn remembered when she had a thought about going to the Maquis. It wasn’t long after the treaty was signed. After her father was killed, after she had almost died. She was sure her eyes were shining. Spilling out every emotion possible, Kathryn was meant to be the epitome of strength. However, right now, Kathryn wanted to be weak, to be small, to be a girl that someone else could help. Lean on someone else for her emotional vulnerabilities.
“Why don’t you read yours. Then we can talk.”
Kathryn just nodded her head and picked up the PADD Neelix gave to her not that long ago.
To: Kathryn Janeway
From Mark Johnson
Subject: Hello
Dear Kathryn,
I was just remembering the birth of Mollie’s puppies and how long ago that seemed. I found homes for all of them, all the owners believe they own something of the Great Kathryn Janeway now. Things at work are still crazy; the production schedule never seems to let up… however, I do need to relate some news… since you’ve been gone, it’s been so difficult for me to maintain the hope that you’ve been alive.
It’s hard for me to… say this. However, about a year ago I married one of my coworkers. I’m sorry that I couldn’t hold out hope. I saw each family member from your crew move on… I tried to hold out hope Kathryn. I really did. However, I snapped and couldn’t wait anymore. I truly believed you were gone. I’m sorry.
At the start I stayed in touch with your mother and Phoebe. Afterall we all were trying to navigate life without you. Then as time moved on, I dove myself into work. Which is how I met my wife now. We have a child on the way. I really hope that you can meet her and our child one day. Even though our love is lost, I hope that we can still be friends. Like we always have been.
Your mother and Phoebe send their love. Since only one letter could be sent, they insisted that it should be me to tell you the news. I’ll always love you Kath.
With lots of Love,
Mark
Somewhere in the middle of reading the letter, tears started streaming down Kathryn’s face. She quickly pawed at her face to stop the tears. It was definitely unbecoming an officer, let alone a Captain.
Kathryn handed the PADD over to Chakotay. He was bound to find out and he allowed her to read his letter so she thought might as well give it to him too.
“You let me read yours,” she told him. Chakotay nodded his head and quickly read the letter.
Chakotay looked up after reading the contents. “I’m so sorry Kathryn.”
“It was bound to happen. I never expected him to wait around. I knew the risks of being in a relationship with my profession. I knew that he would eventually move on with his life. But there was such a finality to the letter, that I never thought I would experience. You know? I just guess I was using him as a safety net. Doesn’t matter anymore. My goal is to get this crew home.”
“You can still feel sad about what you lost. You're only human after all.”
“Yes. But you lost a lot more Chakotay. Basically half this crew has.” Kathryn looked down and wringed her fingers around. “I know I have lost a lot. But I sure as hell haven’t lost hope. So maybe in the end…” Kathryn continued barely above a whisper.
Chakotay looked at her confused.
“In the end...The losers always win.” Kathryn turned to look Chakotay in the eye and whispered, “Always.”