Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"Shit," Joel swore and slammed the hood of the car hard enough to make Ellie flinch in her seat. They were still on the road - 'a few hours away from Jackson' as Joel put it - but had to stop because there were some issues with the car. Joel didn't tell her any details but judging by his expression it couldn't have been good. 

"You think you can fix it?" Ellie called out from the front seat, her chin resting between the curve of her knees. Joel glanced up at her with his lips pressed in a line, his hands on his hips, and shook his head. "Nah, I don't think so. Assholes didn't even bother checkin' the batteries." He could see Ellie's face drop a bit, the girl must have been exhausted, so he quickly changed his tone to try and cheer her up.

"Hey listen," he walked over to her and leaned on the car to get a better look at her "It's gon' get dark real soon so I reckon we just camp out here for the night; I can make us a campfire."
He knew she liked to sit around by the fire and tell her little jokes so he hoped that would be enough to put her in a better mood.

Ellie looked up at him and offered a small smile "Sure." She didn't sound convinced, didn't sound like her normal self. Joel blamed it on everything that happened back at the hospital and called it a day. There was no point in interrogating her right now, best to give her a minute to herself. "Why don't you get changed into something warmer, hm?" He gestured at the wrinkled hospital gown that basically swallowed her whole. Ellie shrugged "I don't have my clothes..."

"Sure you do" Joel opened the door and reached into the backseat for her backpack before handing it to her. "You don't think I'd forget about your stuff now, do ya?" He joked and ruffled her hair, making her cringe. 
"Thanks." She mumbled and taped her eyes to the backpack, avoiding eye contact. She wasn't doing well. Her mind was always occupied with something, the problem was trying to pinpoint exactly what had her down in the dumps this time. 

"You doin' alright?" Joel tried his luck, expecting to be met with an annoyed sigh and a roll of her eyes.
"Fine." She answered with the speed of light, letting him know that she wasn't planning on having any more of this conversation. He took the hint. "Well, I'm gonna go find some wood for the fire. You need anything you holler alright?" 

He very hesitantly left her side after being met with a demanding nod from Ellie, careful not to wander off far enough to where he couldn't see her. While picking up wrenches and twigs off the ground, he replayed the entire hospital scene over and over in his head. All the blood; the lives he took, Marlene, the doctor; all of it. It was such a fucked up situation, but the worst part was that Ellie was part of it. Joel could've just taken her out of the hospital without getting caught in a fucking standoff between him and Marlene. Then she wouldn't have had to see her body. That little girl has already seen enough shit to traumatize her for life without him present - without any adult present. He was supposed to protect her, not put her in worse situations. 

At least she's alive he told himself. She's alive and breathing. That's all that matters for now. 

"Joel?" Ellie called for him from the car, pulling him back to reality. He quickly returned to her, throwing the wood on a pile before doing so. "Everything okay?" 

"Where's my jacket?" The little girl asked, surrounded by a pile of clothes she must have dug out of her backpack. She was wearing her jeans and her favorite red T-shirt with a black undershirt that wasn't anywhere close to being warm enough for the weather. "-The red checkered one?"

"Um," Joel exhaled and rubbed his forehead with his thumb and pointer finger "Sorry kiddo, I think we might've left that one back at the hospital." 

"Oh." She looked at her feet, her features saddening again and all Joel could do was pray that the jacket didn't have significant meaning or anything. What if it belonged to a friend or something? 

"You got another one? What about that pink one you used to wear?" 

She just shook her head. "Had to tear it up to hold your stitches together" 

A wave of guilt flushed over Joel, like a punch in the gut. Jesus Christ that poor girl. He forced a light tone again to try and hide it. "No worries, you can just wear mine."

"But you'll get cold" she protested. God, she was always looking out for everyone but herself. Joel shook his head again, "Don't worry about me girl, I'll be fine."

By the grace of God, the girl actually listened to him for once and wrapped his jacket around herself. "You need any help with the fire?" She asked, looking more like herself by the minute. 
Joel couldn't help but smile at the sight of her. They were gonna get through this together, whatever it was that was making his little girl feel unstable. 

"If you'd like, sure." 

They set up the camp right as the moon peeked out from behind the trees. Ellie sat opposite of him, which worried him a little, though he wouldn't show it. Was he making her uncomfortable? Just the thought of it made his stomach turn. He watched as she poked the fire with a stick, barely reacting to the sparks flying all over the place. She didn't blink, just stared at the flames, numb.

"What's on your mind kiddo?" He tried to get her to open up.
She threw a stick on the pile, watching the fire envelop it until it was just ash. "Nothing" she answered but quickly realized that Joel wasn't going to accept that as an answer so she corrected herself. "I don't know- everything?"

"Like what?" He needed her to talk to him. To trust him. She scowled at him, as to say 'What do you think?' but only for a second. 
"Do we have to talk about this right now?"

Joel sighed and rubbed his face with one hand. "I dunno, is there anything I can do to help?"
"I think you already helped enough." She snapped at him and crossed her arms over her chest. 

He didn't say anything in response, too stunned by her sudden change in attitude. Regret quickly painted over her face as she hid behind the palms of her hands. "I'm sorry," she spoke into her hands "I didn't mean that, I think I just slept weird in the car- and my knees still sting a little- and I'm tired..." she trailed off. 

Joel just nodded and waited to see if she was going to say anything else. She didn't, just carefully looked up at him. 
"C'mere." he tapped the spot next to him and Ellie obeyed, walking up to the spot and sitting down with her knees to her chest. 

"Look," he paused, wrapping an arm around her shoulder and looking into her eyes "Whatever it is you're feelin' right now, it's okay. But you gotta let me know. It ain't...healthy to keep things bottled up like that, you understand?"

A smile crept up Ellie's face. "You're one to talk" she joked. 

Joel chuckled. "Exactly. You gotta talk about this stuff unless you wanna end up lookin' like me" he poked her in the ribs and she laughed. "You're weird." She smushed her cheek against her knee and looked at him, her green eyes turning gold at the sides from the fire reflecting in them. And there it was; the overwhelming love that Joel had for her, the one that made it hard to function sometimes. He gently tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.
"So what's on your mind kiddo?" 

She shrugged "I dunno. I just..." she looked up at the sky for a moment "I don't think I'm a good person." When she looked at him again, her eyes were glassy and Joel's heart broke. He drew her close and planted a kiss on the top of her head before directing her eyes to meet his. "Ellie, you're probably the best person I've met in the past twenty years." His thumb gently brushed her cheeks "You're the best of all of us, kiddo." 

Ellie's eyes watered and she leaned against his embrace to try and hide the tears that she couldn't stop. Today was a lot, for both of them, and maybe she just hasn't fully adjusted to the fact that she had a family now. Well, a Joel. A version of Joel that called her pet names, shielded her from danger, and told her that he loved her. That was a version of Joel not even Tess could have predicted, had she lived to see it happen. Or maybe she knew all along; maybe that's why she bought them enough time to get out alive. 

Joel could feel her shaking so he wrapped both arms around her and held on tight for a few moments. "It's okay baby," he soothed and pressed another kiss to her head. "We're gonna be okay."

Ellie looked back up to the starry sky, and this time Joel followed her gaze. 
"We should pick a star" the girl suggested, a wide smile appearing on her face. How could Joel say no to a face like that? 

"Any star?" He questioned, a smile brightening up his face as well.
"Yeah and then that'll be our star forever." God, she was so cute - when she wasn't seconds away from blowing a Firefly's head off with a revolver. She looked up at him again. "Go on, pick one"
"Heh, I think that's more your territory baby girl" 
"Come on Joel, just pick the brightest one or something"

Joel laughed again. "The brightest one..." he repeated, though he wasn't looking at the sky anymore. The sky didn't exist anymore, far as he was concerned. Only her. His brightest star. He looked back up and pointed at a random star in the sky. "That one." 

Ellie's face lit up again. "Oh, the Pegasus!"

"The what?" he had to stop himself from bursting into laughter right then and there but it still got him an annoyed look from his daughter.

"Well, part of the Pegasus, technically" she pointed at the sky and Joel's eyes followed. "See how the stars make this rectangular shape? That's Pegasus." 
Joel once again couldn't take his eyes off her. Seeing her smile made every single terrible thing he ever did worth it. Made the last twenty years worth it. 

"Alright then," he wrapped another arm around her shoulder as they both looked up at the stars together. "Pegasus it is."

Chapter Text

"Ugh, I'm so hungry" Ellie complained and rambled behind Joel as they made their way deeper through the forest. They'd been walking for a few hours now but Joel told her that they were 'real close' to Jackson. That was about an hour ago. 

"I know, me too kiddo" Joel chimed in, sounding awful cheery all of a sudden. "But I bet there's gonna be a lot of food in Jackson"
"You bet?" Ellie raised her eyebrows, unconvinced. "What if there aren't any more people there because they all died of starvation?"

Joel was in too good of a mood to let her sarcasm get to him, plus it didn't bother him all that much anymore. It meant that she was feeling more like herself. 
"Well, I guess you're gonna have to put in a complaint with my brother, then."
"Your dead brother, who starved to death"

"I guess we're about to find out," he stopped and waited for Ellie to catch up "We're almost there."
"You said that an hour ago!"
"Just trust me on this one kiddo"

Ellie furrowed her eyebrows and frowned, feigning anger. "Fine, but if there's no food I'm roasting you over an open fire and eating you." Again, they laughed. It's been like that since last night; jokes and laughter. It was nice - refreshing. Something they both needed, badly. "Sounds like a plan, baby girl."

They made it through the night without any night terrors, from either of them, which was a nice surprise. Joel always stayed up longer than Ellie, watching over her just in case she had a nightmare. Plus, he liked seeing her shoulders rise and fall with each breath. A confirmation of life. As weird as it was, he liked seeing proof that she was alive. When Sarah died, he spent so long searching for any signs of her breathing. Nothing ever happened so he was extra patient with Ellie, soaking in every breath she took as if she were breathing for the both of them. In a way, she was. 

The closer they got, the less real the idea of Jackson became. How can a guy like Joel, be allowed into a town that was the closest anyone would ever get to the old world, with a daughter attached to his hip? A real, breathing, daughter. It seemed too good to be true. He knew, deep down, that he didn't deserve it. But Ellie did. God, please let this work. If not for me, then for her.

"You think Tommy is gonna be happy to see you?" the kid once again pulled him out of his head. He nodded "I reckon so, I mean...he seemed disappointed to see us leave, don't ya think?"
"He did!" Ellie gasped before going quiet for a moment. "...Does that mean he's gonna be happy to see me?" She seemed hesitant to ask the question, and even more to hear the answer. 

It hadn't hit Joel up until that point that bringing Ellie to Jackson would officially make Tommy an uncle again. Uncle Tommy. He always did love that title. Now, whether he would see Ellie as his niece...that was a whole other thing. It wouldn't matter, she was Joel's daughter regardless of what his brother would think. Still, it would be nice, for them to be a big happy family. And Tommy didn't seem like the type of man to refuse a little girl. Hopefully. 

" 'Course he'll be happy to see you, girl!" Joel reassured and watched as Ellie's posture softened with relief. "And if he ain't...he's just gon' have to be. Y'know why?" Ellie looked at him and awaited his response, her eyes sparkling with hope like she was a toddler and just saw a photo of a kitten for the first time. "Because I'm his big brother, which means he has to do what I say." 

She smiled at that, not the fake smile that she had offered him yesterday while he was trying to fix up their car, but a real, genuine smile that was so rare to come by nowadays. It was always a damn-near miracle to find her acting like a kid. He hoped and prayed that Jackson could allow her to heal the way she needed to. 

The gates of Jackson slowly peeked out from behind the trees and Ellie all but jumped from excitement upon seeing them. "Fucking finally!" 

"Alright, stay close" Joel warned and placed a hand on her shoulder to keep her from running straight for the town "We don't know if things are the same as they were in the fall so just keep your gun in your pocket, okay?"

"Okay." she nodded and pulled out her revolver to show him that the safety was on - just like he'd shown her - and put it in her pocket as proof. Smart girl. 

The pair slowly approached the main gate, Joel keeping Ellie behind him just in case some asshole decided to shoot at them. Sure enough, they were quickly met with about six shotguns pointed at them, and they raised their hands. "It's alright," he tried to keep everyone calm "We're lookin' for Tommy. I'm his brother."

The people pointing firearms at them weren't convinced. "Sure you are" one of them teased, with no intention of lowering his gun. Ellie opened her mouth to argue back but her dad quickly shut her up with a warning glare before turning to the people again. "You go ahead and tell him that Joel and Ellie are lookin' for him and then see how fast he'll let us in" 

The group exchanged worried looks before one of them disappeared from view, hopefully getting Tommy or Maria. Whoever they went to get, it was taking 'fucking ages' as Ellie so kindly pointed out in her normal fed-up voice. After a few extra minutes, the main gate finally opened up and they were allowed to walk in. The man from before approached them and nodded, avoiding Joel's gaze. "Tommy'll be here in a few to collect y'all" he mumbled under his breath, probably embarrassed for doubting them before, and walked off. 

Ellie looked up at him and they both rolled their eyes. "For fuck's sake," she exclaimed, "I'm more polite than that guy." That got her dad's attention and he laughed out loud. Her swearing like a sailor every two seconds wasn't exactly his idea of politeness. Now Sarah...she was polite. He tried extra hard to raise her right; teach her all her manners, considering that her mom ran out on them. Joel wouldn't let that girl get away with half the shit Ellie pulled, but it was a different world now, all that stuff didn't matter that much. 

His girl seemed to have caught on to the fact that he didn't agree with her statement, which got him a fierce punch in the shoulder. "I am!"

"Jesus Christ..." a familiar voice interrupted them and Ellie quickly took a step to the side so she wouldn't be smushed between Joel and Tommy. "You're still alive you ol' fucker" the younger Miller laughed and clasped his brother's back. He did the same. " 'S good to see you, Tommy." After pulling away, Tommy's gaze fell behind Joel's shoulder at the little girl awkwardly playing with her fingers. "Hey, kid" He offered Joel a quick confused look that quickly turned into amusement. "Didn't expect to see ya so soon."

Ellie shifted her weight from one foot to the other as her eyes anxiously traveled from Joel and back to Tommy. It took a supportive nudge from her dad - the one that told her that everything was okay - for her to finally speak. "Hi" she gave a little wave and a tiny smile. Tommy accepted it.

"Well," he clapped his palms together "Y'all hungry?" 

Ellie's eyes immediately widened, all trace of anxiety and shyness leaving her posture. "Starving!" 

They made their way to Tommy's house, the brothers walking alongside each other while Ellie scampered somewhere behind them, admiring the scenery. There were definitely a lot more people in town than there were in the fall, making it seem real. She even spotted some kids, though they looked to be about six or five years old. They looked healthy; well fed with round faces. A very foreign sight for Ellie, for Joel too probably. He'd gotten so used to seeing Ellie's small frame that the sight of a 'normal' kid gave him hope. They were gonna be okay. 

Tommy and Maria's house looked like every other house in America, except it didn't appear to be caving in on itself or molding from the inside out. It had a slightly yellowish tone to it, with a real porch in the front and a fence to tie it all together. The inside looked even better if that were even possible. The wooden furniture looked brand new, store-bought almost, clashing a little with the matching hardwood floors. Guess there aren't too many options left in the apocalypse, huh? 
It didn't matter, it was warm and welcoming; exactly the type of place Joel envisioned raising his daughter in. 

Tommy smiled at the look of pure amazement on the kid's face as her eyes scanned the house. "I'll go find somethin' to eat, y'all make yourselves at home." 

Don't have to tell me twice, Ellie thought as she practically threw herself onto the brown couch and all but purred from the comfort. "Ellie, get your feet off the couch-" Joel warned but was quickly cut off by his brother. 

"Let her," He called from the kitchen, the sound of plates and cutlery crashing together accompanying his voice "Old thing barely even gets used anyways."

The girl decided to take Tommy's words and sank deeper into the couch, peeking at Joel with a mischievous smirk. He slowly approached her and gestured for her to move. "Scoot."
She obeyed, pulling her knees to her chest so that he could sit down next to her, the old man groan he let out making her giggle. 

"So," he started "This everything you hoped for?" 

She leaned her head against his shoulder, her eyes fixing on the big painting of horses that hung over the fireplace. "Jury's still out," she smiled "but man, you can't deny that view." 

Tommy walked in, his whole face lighting up when he saw the little girl all snuggled up next to his brother. It was a familiar sight, yet one he didn't think he'd ever see again. "So, we don't got any leftovers but I'll be happy to make y'all some sandwiches if you'd like." It was very clear that both he and Joel cared about getting Ellie fed, more than themselves. 

"I'll eat anything at this point" She shrugged.

Tommy prepped her a simple ham and cheese sandwich, which she nearly devoured in seconds. "Slow down, kiddo" Joel troubled, completely satisfied with his cup of coffee that his brother had to 'sell his soul' to get. "Don't swallow it whole, you'll get sick."

Ellie chewed her last bite extra long, staring into his eyes as she did so, before wiping the breadcrumbs off her fingers. 
"You want another one, Ellie?" Tommy asked, taken aback by just how fast the little girl managed to finish her food. She shook her head "I'm good, thanks. That was, like, way better than squirrel meat."

"I'll bet." He commented as he cleared the table and pulled up a chair for himself. "Well y'all are free to stay for dinner, Maria's making her famous potatoes."

"Where is that wife of yours anyway?" Joel quizzed his brother.

"Workin' - always workin'. I swear that woman won't relax until she's dead."

"Yeah? What kinda work we talkin' about here?"

"Uh, construction mostly" He tapped his fingers along the table "I'm sure we can find a spot for you as well. I mean-" He turned to Ellie for a moment "If y'all are plannin' on stayin'..." 

Ellie eyed Joel, that hopeful look returning to her face. "We're staying. For good this time." He reassured and watched as she smiled and leaned into her chair. "I'm glad" Tommy added and leaned on his elbows. 

And there it was; the sense of safety and security that Joel thought was gone for good. The kind he always wished for Ellie that he didn't believe he could provide, not like this. 
"Where's your bathroom?" Ellie asked, pulling him back to reality yet again. 
"Upstairs, down the hall to the right. And uh, there's towels in the bottom cabinet if you wanted to take a shower."

Ellie stood and looked at Joel. "Can I?" He shrugged "If Tommy says it's okay, I don't see why not"

"Cool. Thanks." She quickly ran up the stairs and Joel had to resist the urge to follow her. She'll be okay. She's safe. 
A few moments later, he could hear running water from upstairs and he threw his head back and sighed in relief, running his hands over his face. "Oh thank God."

"I reckon' it hasn't been easy on the road?" his brother asked and he snorted. "Oh, you have no idea, baby brother."
"Hey..." Tommy hesitated a moment before continuing, lowering his voice as if she could hear them "Is it just me, or is she a bit more...shy than last time?"

Traumatized. That was the correct word for it. Of course, Joel couldn't tell him all the details but man, explaining everything was gonna be harder than he anticipated. 

"We, uh-" he tried to find the right words but realized he couldn't. No words could summarise what happened since they left Jackson in the fall. "She's been through a lot."

Tommy nodded, not knowing what to say so he followed it up with another question. "That's why she's so clingy?" He was referring to them back on his couch, all snuggled up together. 

Joel didn't really see Ellie as clingy. If anything, he was the clingy one; constantly resisting the urge to pick her up, hold her to him like a  baby, and never let go. 
"What do you mean?"

"I mean...you two weren't too keen on each other the last time I saw you. I guess I'm just wonderin'-" He paused and tried to choose his next words carefully. "Are you keeping her?"

Joel's eyebrows came together and he clenched his jaw. "Jesus, Tommy!"

"Well, I'm sorry what do you want me to say? A few months back you came here, beggin' me to take that girl off your hands, and now-"

"Now things have changed" he cut him off. "That's all you gotta know." 

Tommy sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers. Joel could tell he wanted to push the subject further but, thankfully, bit his tongue. "Alright then."

The sound of stairs creaking caught the brothers' attention. They both turned to the little girl, now dressed in just a T-shirt with one of Joel's oversized flannels and her jeans, her wet auburn hair falling over her face. She stopped at the bottom of the stairs and shot them a weird look. "Are you talking about me?"

"Only good things, I swear" Tommy lifted his palms in the air, seemingly back to his old self again. "You find everything alright?"

"Think so." She retook her seat next to Joel, resting her chin on her knees. "You both lived in Texas right?" Ellie quickly changed the subject. She never liked being the center of attention. But she sure did like to talk.

"We did," Tommy answered and raised his eyebrows at Joel. "You ever been?" He knew the answer was probably no, but he wanted to be polite and at least make conversation with the girl his brother was gonna keep. 

She shook her head. "No, but I did watch that movie...' something, Texas massacre ' if that counts."

"Texas chainsaw massacre" Joel corrected and chuckled to himself.
"Jesus." Tommy laughed "How'd you get your hands on that?"
"A friend showed it to me. It was her favorite." 

Joel's never heard of this friend, in fact, he barely knew anything about her life back before they met. Let's just keep our histories to ourselves. Those were his exact words to her, not even a year ago. God, he was such a fucking jerk to her, back then. He sat and patiently waited for her to say something else about this mystery friend. She didn't and he didn't push her beyond that. For all he knew, that could've been her Tess. 

"Well then, maybe we can check and see if they got any more of those down at the store“ Tommy offered and watched as Ellie's face lit up with excitement. He briefly made eye contact with Joel, who didn't seem too happy with his proposal to have his already-traumatized teenage girl watch a horror movie. Girl's already had enough scares to last her a lifetime. But then the bright-eyed girl turned to him with that look on her face that he just couldn't say no to. "Joel, can we?"

"Let's settle in first, yeah? Get some shut-eye at least." 

"Oh, yeah where are we gonna sleep?" Ellie turned back to Tommy. "I mean...we're staying together right?" There was a small rise of panic in her voice and Joel raised his palm to calm her. "Of course, we're stayin' together. Right, Tommy?"

"Yeah...of course. We can take you to see some houses first thing in the morning if you'd like." 

"What about tonight?" Ellie's shoulders stiffened again, anxiety rising in her. Thankfully, Tommy came to the rescue yet again with a suggestion. "We got a spare bedroom upstairs, but it's only one bed..."

"I'll take the couch. Ellie, you go ahead and take the bedroom, alright?" Joel immediately jumped in to save his brother some trouble. 
"Oh." She didn't sound convinced. "Yeah, o-okay." She faked a gentle tone, but she still hadn't relaxed her posture. 

Joel didn't wanna push it, not in front of Tommy at least. If there was a problem, he just had to trust that she would come to him when she was ready. "Why don't you go ahead and put some of your stuff in the bedroom? I'll be right behind you."

" 'Kay" she quickly got up and ran upstairs. He turned back to Tommy and spotted a wide grin on his face. "I like her, she's fun." 
"Yeah," his gaze followed the stairs "yeah, me too."

They stood after another minute and once again met in a brotherly embrace for a few moments. "Thank you, Tommy. For everything." 

Chapter Text

Joel deeply underestimated just how attached Ellie was to him. For the past few months, they've been sleeping within arm's reach of each other, especially after winter. Ellie would wake up sobbing, hyperventilating, and shaking every night for two weeks straight. It hadn't happened in a few weeks, so he figured she'd be okay. She told him she'd be okay.
To be fair, he did try to talk to her about it. After finishing up his discussion with Tommy, he followed her upstairs, just like he promised. 

He found her sitting on the edge of the bed, the entirety of her backpack emptied in a big pile next to her. Joel sighed and walked up to her, slowly picking up one of her shirts and began folding it. "Come on, kiddo at least fold 'em." It wasn't an order, he never gave her those anymore, but more like a gentle reminder. 

She didn't say anything for a while, just looked up at him with her big eyes. "I was gonna get to it." Her tone had the same tiredness to it that it did a month ago, that was never a good sign. Trust her -  Joel told himself - Let her come to you when she's ready. Still, he couldn't leave her like this while she was clearly upset about something. 

"Hey listen," He started and she quickly rolled her eyes, knowing that he was going to get serious with her now. "Are you gon' be alright stayin' in here for the night? I know it's a new environment and that can be a bit tricky-" 

"Oh my God," the little girl groaned and buried her face in the pillow, turning her back to him. "Yeah Joel, I can sleep in a fucking bed, okay?"

The sudden change in attitude didn't phase him much anymore. She's been having mood swings for the past few months, going from an adorable kid to an 'emotional mess' - Ellie's words, not his - in a matter of seconds. It was exhausting and confusing, for both of them, but Joel realized that he'd much rather have a moody daughter than a dead one. He could handle meltdown after meltdown as long as it meant that she was around to have them. Besides, after everything they've been through, it'd be weird if she wasn't having meltdowns now and then. 

"Look, all I'm sayin' is that if you're not feeling comfortable-" She hated that word. By God, she hated it more than anything. It made her feel small and powerless. As if she suddenly became a burden to everyone around her the second she wasn't a hundred percent comfortable with something. Kids like her - born after the Outbreak - didn't get comfort. That's what she'd been taught her whole life, so why was she given a choice now? Why not when she was five and scraped her knee, getting yelled at by a soldier to 'stop crying and walk it off'? 

"For fuck's sake, I'm not a little kid!" she snapped at him, got up, and walked into the guest bathroom before she could see his face drop, slamming the door in the process. "Fuck!"

Now he got the hint. There was no point getting mad at her, Joel knew she couldn't control it. She was fourteen for fuck's sake, and she's been through hell and back in a matter of months. So, as badly as he wanted to knock on the door and make sure that she was alright, he didn't. He just sighed, rubbing his eyes with his fingers before getting up and heading downstairs. 

Tommy, who was making a fresh batch of coffee, quickly turned around at the sound of footsteps just outside the kitchen door. He shot Joel a look, leaning his hands on the counter. "The hell was that about?"

The older Miller leaned against the door frame, massaging the wrinkles on his forehead yet again. Christ, that girl was gonna be the death of him. "I don't even know anymore." 

"She, uh..." his brother awkwardly stumbled over his words, trying to find better ones than he had with their previous conversation. "She gets upset a lot?" 

Joel let out a mix between a groan and a chuckle. "More and more lately."
"How old is she again?" 
"Uh, fourteen." As soon as the number left his lips, Tommy started laughing. "Well, no shit. Jesus, you got your work cut out for you, don't ya?" 
"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up." Joel mocked, but he couldn't stop the corners of his mouth from forming a smirk. "Do I need to remind you what you were like at fourteen?" 
"What, when you decided to make me an uncle?" 

They both went silent after that. The last time Tommy brought up Sarah was when he tried to give Joel a photo of them together, and that didn't exactly work out in his favor. Even if he didn't say her name, he still mentioned her, and sometimes that was enough to tip his brother over the edge. It caused a lot of fights between them in the past - some even turned physical - so he had to be really careful about what he said around Joel.

After the silence kept dragging on, Tommy cleared his throat and changed the subject back to Ellie, praying it would do a better job distracting Joel. "Is she gonna be alright?" It seemed to have worked, considering that Joel's features softened a little. "Yeah, I reckon she'll be just fine." He leaned on the counter and watched Tommy take two mugs out of the cabinet and place one before him. 

"You want another one?" He asked and reached for the pot of fresh coffee. Ever since they were young, the brothers shared a love for it, even the smell of it could calm them down in an instant. 

"What are you tryin' to keep me up all night?" 

"I mean, we got tea. It's expired, but we got it." 

Joel smiled, pushing the mug toward his brother, and allowing him to fill it up. He took a sip, savoring every drop of the 'liquid gold', as they liked to call it. He could get used to this. The brothers sat in silence for a while, to the point where it became unbearable. Joel was the first to speak, shockingly. 
"Hey look," he scratched his beard "Ellie gets pretty intense nightmares sometimes."

Tommy's posture quickly stiffened as he searched for a response. "What kind of nightmares?" 

If Ellie knew that Joel was telling his brother about this, she'd have him beheaded. Hell, she'd probably do it herself. But she was always really nice after yelling at him so maybe she would put off the execution for a day or two. "Bad ones." That was all Tommy needed to know for now. 

"But she'll be alright?" He asked and all the anxiety that Joel felt about bringing Ellie here melted away. Of course, his brother wouldn't refuse her, she was family. Even if he wouldn't say it, it was clear that he already loved her enough to prioritize her needs before his own, just like any good uncle would. 

"Yeah y'know, I got her if anything happens but I just thought you should know, jus' in case."

"Alright, but you let me know if there's anythin' I can do to help." 

The sound of the front door opening caught their attention and the brothers turned to see Maria walk in. Her gaze immediately fixed itself on Joel and she offered a smile. "Well, I'll be dammed. Thought I heard folks talking about you being back in town."

"Maria." Joel nodded politely and watched in amusement as his brother planted a kiss on her cheek, resting his hand on her waist. He was never gonna get used to the fact that the famous 'Heartbreak Tommy' - who never kept the same girl for more than a month, tops - was married. 

"Yeah, they came in this afternoon." His brother explained. "Ellie's just upstairs, getting ready for bed." 

"Oh," Maria raised her eyebrows at Joel, it was clear she wasn't expecting both of them here, but she wasn't gonna push it. "Well then, we can't let the girl go to bed hungry now, can we?" 

With that, the Miller's started making dinner. Joel helped as much as he could, - as much as his brother would let him - which meant prepping vegetables. He was never the greatest cook. Sarah's lunch box almost always consisted of Lunchables or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, because one: he didn't know how to make much else, and two: he pretty much always slept through his alarm so there wasn't time for him to make anything else. By the time she was twelve, his little girl was already making herself lunches to save him some trouble.

Jackson had a pretty big gardening community, which meant fresh vegetables. That wasn't a thing Joel would usually get excited by but man was it good to put something fresh in his body. Tommy was on potato duty; peeling, mashing, anything to make himself useful. Meanwhile, Maria was working on the main event: the roast deer. She kept an eye on her husband, correcting him every chance she got. "You're holding the masher wrong- Here, let me do it." 

After Joel was done he helped set the table, making sure to put Ellie's plate next to his own. "Is there anything else y'all need help with?"

"It'll only be a few minutes," Maria called from the kitchen "Why don't you go ahead and get Ellie down here? Girl must be starving."

Joel nodded and climbed up the stairs, stopping before the bedroom for a moment. He could see some light shining through the cracked door, meaning that she probably wasn't asleep. The best he could do was pray that she was doing better than she was in the afternoon. 
"Ellie?" he knocked to make himself known, before opening the door enough to see Ellie laying on the bed, her back turned to him. "You awake?"

She nodded but didn't make a sound; didn't bother turning around either, so Joel slowly sat down beside her. "Are you still upset with me?" Again, she didn't speak, just shook her head, which was better than he had expected. "You wanna come downstairs? Maria made us some dinner." That coaxed an answer outta her. 

"I'm not hungry" she mumbled and Joel couldn't help but chuckle. "Now I know for a fact that ain't true." He tried to see her face but she kept it well hidden in the pillow. "What's going on, kiddo? You don' like Jackson? I mean, I think it's a little early to be passin' judgment but-" 

"It's not that."
"Alright then, what is it?" 

She was quiet for a few moments before squeaking out an answer. "Why aren't you mad at me?" She still didn't lift her face from the pillow. "You're never mad at me anymore."

The "anymore" broke his heart. He hated himself for getting upset with her so much at the beginning, if he could do it all over again, he would have done right by her from the start. 
"Why would I be mad at you?" 

"Because I got mad- for no reason, and I yelled at you- again, even though you didn't deserve it cos you were being so nice and I was such a bitch to you-" She sniffled and now Joel was sure that she's been crying. "Hey, whoah- whoah- easy girl, it's okay." He cut her off, placing a hand on her shoulder in hopes that she'd turn around. "I ain't mad, alright? That's all ancient history anyways."

Ellie finally turned over to look at him and, sure enough, there were tears decorating her eyes. "I'm sorry." 
"You don't gotta be sorry, Ellie. It's okay- you're okay." 

She slowly sat up, crossing her legs and wiping her tears away. "This is so stupid..."
"Hey," one of Joel's hands came up and cupped her face, wiping her tears away and guiding her eyes to meet his. "Remember what I said last night? Whatever you're feelin' right now, it's okay. Even if you're upset- Especially if you're upset. Okay?" She nodded and allowed him to pull her close and rock her side to side like she was a baby. When he pulled away, Joel cupped her face again and just looked at her for a second. 

"Now, I need you to listen closely," he started, brushing her wet cheeks with his thumbs. "I need you to tell me these things; what you're feeling, what makes you happy, what doesn't, all of it. That way I can help you if there's ever any trouble, okay? That's what I'm here for."

"Okay..." she agreed. 

"Good. So, are you sure that you're gonna be okay sleeping in here for the night? 'Cause we can find somewhere else if you aren't, that ain't a problem." 

"I'll be okay." The little girl reassured and put her hands over his. "Promise." 

Joel looked hesitant for a moment but decided to take her word for it. "Okay, then what do you say we put some food in you?" 

The dinner went better than expected. Ellie didn't talk much, too busy stuffing her face with food; thank God. She needed to eat and get as much weight back as she could. Even back in Boston, she was already way too skinny for her age so Joel just had to focus on keeping her fed. Shouldn't be a problem considering she had the appetite of a horse. Her only issue was getting ahold of her table manners; she'd nearly forgotten how to cut things with something other than a hunting knife. 

After dinner, they thanked Tommy and Maria - mostly Maria - and got ready for bed. Joel made a bed for himself, with the spare pillows and blankets that his brother put out for him, on the couch before heading upstairs to check in on Ellie one last time. When he got to the bedroom, she was already sitting on the bed in an oversized T-shirt and pants, - a gift from Maria - reading one of her Savage Starlight comics. 

"Come on kiddo, it's late. Time for bed." He lectured in a gentle tone. 
"You're still up." She teased and placed the comic book on the bedside table. Smart-ass. He walked up and covered her with a blanket, tucking it all the way to her chin - a habit he picked up on the road. He was always so scared that she would get sick, especially once the snow hit and he was back to consciousness, so he gave her his jacket any chance he got. But now, he got to tuck her in properly, in a real bed where he knew she'd be safe.

"Did you remember to brush your teeth?" He asked but was met with a look of shame on her face. "Ellie-"
"I'll do it in the morning. Promise."

Joel knew better than to argue with her, especially when they were both exhausted. "Alright, fine. But I'll check your breath if I have to. Deal?"

"Deal." She agreed, mid-yawn. God, she was so adorable. 

"Okay, I'm gonna be right downstairs okay? You need anything at all, you come get me, alright?"

"Yes. I'll be fine, Joel, it's not like a clicker is gonna just burst in here." That wasn't what he was worried about and they both knew it. "I know, I know." Joel sighed and smoothed her hair, tucking a piece behind her ear before kissing the top of her head. "Goodnight baby girl."

"Night." 

Ellie wasn't fine. 

She had been laying in bed for hours, unable to fall asleep or even close her eyes for longer than a minute. If she did, she'd see David; his skull split open, face ruined and bloody beyond recognition. She'd feel his hands around her throat, and hear his words. "You're special."

And if it wasn't that monster who was keeping her company, it was Marlene. Her eyes open wide, lifeless, laying on the ground with blood smeared across her chest. If not Marlene, then Henry, Sam, Tess, Riley,...

God, she was so stupid. Joel asked her, multiple times if she'd be okay sleeping by herself. She just had to say 'yes'; had to show him that she wasn't a little kid that he couldn't let out of sight. What a fucking joke this whole thing was. What was she supposed to say? 'No, Joel please don't leave me! I am physically unable to sleep if you're not around because then I get nightmares and wake up crying like a fucking baby!' 
Fuck, she really was pathetic. 

She stole a quick glance at the clock - a real, functioning clock that she hadn't seen since Boston. 01:32 AM, then 02:04 AM, and 02:28 AM, ...

It's not that she wasn't tired, she was exhausted, but she was also scared shitless. 'Of what, you fucking baby' she yelled at herself. 'Joel's right downstairs, why don't you go wake him up from his well-needed rest because you're fucking scared to sleep?'

Jesus, no wonder Joel treated her like a fucking baby all the time. But maybe it was a good thing that she needed him. For the first time in her life, there was an adult in her life who was available to her for stupid shit like this. And, truth be told, she liked being treated like a kid for once. She liked being coddled, and she liked the pet names he gave her - 'Baby girl' was still her favorite, with 'Kiddo' coming in a close second. It made her feel safe. He made her feel safe. That's the first time she could say that about an adult and mean it. 

At the same time, she wanted to be treated as an equal to him. Let him know that she was beyond capable of taking care of herself - of both of them if she had to - and that she wasn't a little kid. It was confusing. She'd never had a family before; she's never been parented, so now that she had the option, she wanted to savor it. She had a chance to be an actual kid for once, so why would she throw it away? For pride? To show everyone what she was capable of? It was like a part of her was yearning for a childhood that was lost, while another part of her wanted no part in it. 

After a few more minutes of restless turning she finally gave in and got up. She grabbed a flashlight from her backpack and quietly made her way down the stairs. Joel usually mumbled in his sleep or at least twitched a little, but he was knocked out tonight. There was a sick sense of guilt forming in Ellie's stomach as she watched his chest rise and fall with each even breath. God, she was such a fucking baby. 

She kept the flashlight pointed at the ground so she wouldn't bother him with the light, and slowly walked up to the couch, standing over him. "Joel." She whispered and gently poked his shoulder. 
"Mm?" Joel groaned and blinked his eyes open, enough to at least see the outline of his daughter standing before him. As soon as he did, he wiped as much sleep from his eyes as he could to turn all his attention over to her. "Are you okay?" 

"I can't sleep." She answered after a moment, ashamed, and watched as he leaned back into the couch, his features relaxing a little. He groaned, running his hand over his face. "You have another bad dream?" 

"No, I just-" She bit the inside of her cheek, swallowing. "I'm scared..." she whispered under her breath, but Joel caught every word. Of course he did. 

Joel let out a long, tired exhale before slowly sitting up, still a little dazed with sleep. "C'mere."

Ellie sat down beside him, nuzzling under his arm and resting her head on his chest. He pulled her close, gently running his fingers through her hair and down her spine. "You slept at all?" he questioned and she shook her head. "I don't think I can sleep if you're not there..." she admitted and awaited his response. He'd asked her about this constantly but she always lied to him and told him that she'll be fine, so she expected him to snap at her for whining again. He didn't. "Okay. Do you want me to stay with you until you fall asleep?"

Back on the road, Ellie sometimes couldn't fall asleep unless she felt Joel there. She would often reach out and signal for him to come closer to the point where she was almost under him because she needed it so badly. It was the least Joel could do, no matter how he felt about it at first, if that's what she needed to feel safe then he ought to do it. 

Ellie nodded into his chest. "Alright, then." He groaned as he stood and slowly followed the girl upstairs, where he tucked her in, kissing the top of her head yet again. He then laid down next to her and ran his fingers through her hair the way she liked, to try and help her fall asleep faster. It worked like a charm because she was out of it in less than a minute. The plan was to stay with her until she fell asleep but, he quickly realized that he also underestimated just how attached he was to her. So he stayed with her. It was what they both needed. 

Chapter Text

"I like this one." Ellie smiled, running from room to room in one of the houses that Tommy had shown her and Joel. They were on the third house of the day and Ellie had claimed to love every single one more than the other. "Whoah!" she glued her face to the window in the kitchen, facing a big backyard, pressing her palms to the glass. "Joel, there's a shed in the back! The last two didn't have a shed!" 

"Well, would you look at that," Joel commented, matching her energy the best he could with the little sleep he managed to get last night. His girl wasn't exactly a peaceful sleeper. Much like when she was awake, she constantly needed to move around and occupy herself with things, no matter how pointless. In the old world, she probably would've been diagnosed with at least some form of ADHD, he was sure of it. "There is a shed in the back." 

"Can we have this one?" She jumped around, like a puppy on steroids, and pleaded with her eyes. She knew he couldn't say no to a face like that. 

"Tommy?" Joel turned to his brother for confirmation. He didn't care what the house looked like, so long as they both had a bed to sleep in and a roof over their heads. Ellie liking it was just a bonus.

"You sure, kid? We still got a few more if you're interested." Tommy sighed, exchanging looks with his brother to make sure he wasn't overstepping. At the end of the day, he was her uncle, and Joel was her dad, meaning he was the one who called the shots.

"No, I like this one," she stressed and looked at Joel, hoping he'd back her up. The house didn't look too far off from Tommy and Maria's so it made sense why she liked it. It was very spacious, two stories with a big living room to tie it all together. It almost reminded Joel of his house back in Texas. He shrugged, looking at Tommy "She likes this one."

"Alright then, we can get y'all settled in by tonight." 

"Oh, fuck yes!" Ellie quickly ran upstairs, excited giggles accompanying her. "I get the biggest bedroom!" 

"Slow down or you'll break somethin'!" Joel yelled after her. "And we never discussed that!" She didn't hear him, too caught up in all the excitement. This was exactly what she needed.

"You really like the house, kiddo?" He asked as they were making their way back to Tommy's. She was still all euphoric with joy and Joel had half the mind to hold her hand like she was a toddler just to keep her still.

"Yeah, it's so cool," she jumped around. "Did you see the big window in one of the bedrooms? You can basically climb on the roof from that thing."

"Now don' make me regret giving you that room, yeah? I don't wanna have to clean your guts off the porch- it's a lotta work, y'know?"

She struck him in the shoulder playfully. "Oh, ha-ha. You're just jealous cos I got the big room."

That wasn't true. Joel never cared too much about his own space. He took good care of the space he shared with someone, like his house before the Outbreak, but when it came to his room, there were always piles of clothes somewhere in the corner, and his bed was never made properly. He'd hoped that would somehow change over the years as he got older, but he never got old in that house. Maybe this was his chance to redeem himself.

Plus, seeing Ellie get so excited about having her own bedroom brought him peace. If that's what she needed to feel safe, then by God she was gonna get it. 

"Y'know, seein' as we're already here," Tommy welcomed himself into the conversation. "How about that tour we talked about?" 

Joel was almost worried that his girl couldn't physically handle any more excitement for the day or she might explode. But it was a nice day and none of them had any other plans so, fuck it.

Tommy showed them around Jackson and Ellie actually looked like she was enjoying herself.

"Holy shit..." her face lit up as they slowly approached a wooden building. "Are those the stables??"

"That depends" Tommy shot her an amused look "You gonna steal another one of my horses?"

"Psh. Come on man, that's ancient history."

With that, the girl ran for the stables, giving the brothers a chance to catch up. Joel could tell there was something on his brother's mind, he must've just been waiting for Ellie to be out of earshot. 

"Listen," Tommy started, and somehow, Joel already knew he wasn't going to like what he had to say. "I get that you two spent a lot of time together on the road and all..."

"And?" He glowered and crossed his arms over his chest, watching his brother bite his tongue.

"I mean," he looked around, checking if anyone was listening. This oughta be good. "Sharin' a bed with her? Really?"

Joel's glare deepened "Tommy, I swear to God-" 

Tommy quickly seized his arm, pulling him off into a corner just in case this was about to turn into a fight. It was.

"What, you think that's normal?" His voice was lowered, but Joel still caught the tension in it. 

"In her case, yes."

"She's fourteen, Joel-"

"And she's just been through hell and back!" Joel had to fight the urge to raise his voice at him now. "Okay? You have no idea what that little girl's been through- and seriously? What kinda fuckin' creep do you take me for?" 

Tommy didn't know. He didn't understand everything that they had endured - survived - out there. Far as Joel was concerned, his stubborn little brother wouldn't grasp the seriousness of the situation until he held that little girl in his arms after a nightmare. Maybe he just had to take a different approach with him.

"Would you feel the same if it was Sarah?"

That, his niece's name leaving Joel's lips, was enough to transform the lines on Tommy's forehead. He hadn't heard Joel say her name in nearly twenty fucking years. After the funereal - what fucking funereal? They dug a hole somewhere in a field and put his baby in there like it was nothing - Joel stopped saying her name. Any small reminder of her would send him into a spiral; sobbing, yelling, anything to unleash some of that despair. But eventually, that went away too. By the time Tommy left to join the Fireflies, his brother was only a shell of a person. 

"Right." Joel nodded, satisfied with the impact his words had on him. "Now, if you'd like, we can take this conversation somewhere private, but right now, I got a little girl I'm trying to take care of, so that's what I'm gonna do." 

Joel and Ellie have barely been in Jackson for 48 hours and Tommy was already sticking his nose where it didn't belong. Joel couldn't blame him fully though, hell, if he had been inappropriate with Ellie, at least there was a person who gave a damn. But he saw the way Joel lit up around that girl; how much happiness she brought him. If he couldn't read between the lines and see that she has filled that empty hole that's haunted Joel for twenty years, then maybe they were going to have to talk it through like adults. 

For now, childish fights had to suffice.

Ellie hadn't even noticed the absence of Joel and Tommy as she slowly patted any horse that she could get her hands on. She always liked horses; probably associated them with happy memories like Riley. But the longer she thought about them, the darker those memories became. Thoughts of Callus; how he died, and David. It always came down to that motherfucker. 

She tried real hard to squash down some unpleasant images that popped up in her mind. Because this wasn't about winter or David, or her being alone. This was just her, petting horses, with Joel close by. She was okay. 

"He's cute, right?" A soft voice interrupted her thoughts and she turned around with the speed of light, panic slowly tightening in her chest.

She was still very much in her 'fight or flight mode' from being outside for so long, which meant that anyone new was immediately put under the dangerous category. But, as she turned around, she realized that this wasn't some terrifying old man that was about twice her size, this was a girl with dark hair and dark eyes that sparkled the way Riley's did. She smiled, the freckles decorating her nose and cheeks rising.

"That's Rain, my mom sometimes takes him out on patrols," the girl explained, not noticing her almost shocked expression. After taking a closer look, she tilted her head a bit, her smile widening. "Are you new? I haven't seen you before." 

"Uh," Ellie could feel her face getting warmer by the second, her cheeks probably turning crimson. "Yeah- Yes, I uh, I just got here yesterday."

"I'm Dina." The girl offered her hand and Ellie took it, after a few awkward moments of just staring at it.

"Uh, right- Ellie- my name is Ellie." Dina laughed and Ellie just prayed that she didn't notice how sweaty her palms were. If she did, the girl didn't mention it. 

"Well, Ellie, you're in luck. I am pretty much the best person you could've met on your first- no, wait, second day in Jackson!" She gestured at herself in an exaggerated motion "I'm pretty much an expert on this place- my mom and I came here almost a year ago- oh, have you been on a tour yet??" 

Jesus, Ellie couldn't remember the last time she talked to someone her age, who liked to talk as much as her. Sam was always a little closed off, even before he got bit, and Riley seemed so long ago. 

"Um, yeah, Tommy just gave us one-

"Tommy? Like, Tommy Miller?" Dina exclaimed. 

"Yeah, why?"

"Dude, that guy basically runs the whole town! How the fuck did you get a tour with him?" 

This was the first time that Ellie had even thought about it. What the fuck was she supposed to tell people? 'Oh yeah, his brother was forced to smuggle me halfway across the country and we both almost died halfway through but now we're here and we just got our own house so, that's fun'?

Well, she had to think of something better than that soon or else she might scare off the only person that's been nice to her besides the Millers. 

"He's my dad's brother." The words flew out before she even had time to process them. She was shocked by just how easily she said it; her dad. Must've been the right thing to say because

Dina stared at her with her jaw on the floor. 
"Tommy is your uncle??" 

Fuck, those words carried so much weight when said out loud. Her dad and uncle. "Yeah...yeah, I guess so."

"That's so fucking cool!" Yeah, it was fucking cool.

"So I'm guessing you had a pretty decent tour after all?" 

"I mean, not the whole town..." Ellie didn't want this, whatever it was, to end. It was so refreshing to have someone her age around; someone loud and obnoxious like her. She seemed to have caught onto that. 

"Oh, then you have to come with me- cos I know where all the cool hangout spots are-" Oh yeah, Ellie needed someone like Dina. "Yeah- sure, let me just ask my dad if it's okay." 

She turned around and saw Joel and Tommy walk in, their faces painted with an annoyed sort-of look. Have they been fighting or something? 

She ran up to him and his face quickly relaxed upon seeing her. "Joel! Joel- Joel- Joel, this is Dina and she asked if she can show me the rest of the town. Can I go?" She tried using that look that always seemed to work on him. 

Joel exhaled quickly, looking over from one hyper-excited girl to the next. "Uh, I dunno kiddo... 's just, I don't really want you wanderin' by yourself yet." 

"We won't go far," Dina quickly jumped to her rescue "And we'll stay in town- we promise!"
"Yeah, Joel we promise." Ellie backed her up, pleading with her eyes. 

He hesitated, scratching the back of his neck and looking over to Tommy for some guidance. His brother shot him a funny look that he didn't seem to appreciate.

Finally, after what felt like forever he looked at the two girls again. "You have your knife on you?" He questioned and Ellie quickly nodded, pulling her knife out of her pocket as proof. "And you know how to get back to Tommy's?" She nodded again, but the questioning didn't stop there.

"You got any weapons on ya?" Now he was addressing Dina. She didn't seem bothered by it. "Of course I do." 

"And you know how to use 'em?" God, he was so over the top sometimes.

"Yup." 

"How old are you, anyways?"

"Joel-" Ellie was about to sink into the floor from embarrassment but, again, Dina didn't seem to care.

"It's fine." she stressed "I'll be turning fifteen in two months.

"And you know this town well?" She nodded and Joel finally looked at Ellie again. "You can go- if you promise to be home before lunch, and if I see as much as a scratch on ya, you ain't leaving the house for a month, we clear?" 

For the record, she knew he was bluffing; it was just a different way of telling her to be safe - which she usually wouldn't mind - but not around Dina. She wanted her to think that she was cool and he was making it very hard for her right now. She scowled at him and crossed her arms over her chest. "Fine."

He looked hesitant again, like he wanted to push the subject further but, thankfully, fell silent. "Okay, then. Be very careful, y'hear me?"

"Oh my God, yes! I'll be fine, Joel!" she called out as she and Dina were already backing away from him. Afterward, she and her new friend fell into a fit of giggles as they ran off. 

"Fuck, I'm sorry about that" Ellie apologized once they were far away from Joel. "He gets a little..."

"Oh, no I totally get it, don't worry. My mom's the same way. Like, when we first came here, she wouldn't let me talk to anyone." 

For some reason, Ellie had always suspected Joel's paranoia to be a strictly 'Joel-thing'. No other adult had ever protected and cared for her as he did so she figured there were no adults like that left. That, and she had never met anyone with a mom before - at least, not a biological mom.

Maybe it was a parent thing. Maybe Joel really did love her to that extent. Should she talk to him about it, or would he get mad at her like he did the last time they were in Jackson? 

The girls ran around town for what felt like hours, talking and laughing; and, for those few moments, Ellie forgot all about winter and the Fireflies. For the first time in months, she actually felt happy. 

"Oh, by the way," Dina looked at her with wide eyes. "Me and a bunch of other kids were thinking of sneaking out and going to see that abandoned lodge up that hill," she pointed in the vague direction of it. "You wanna come with us?"

"Why? What's up there?"

"Don't know, but it's gotta be more interesting than whatever the fuck is going on here." 

Everything bout Jackson was still interesting to Ellie, so she didn't really see the need in seeking more excitement, especially not outside the walls. Then again, she liked the sound of spending more time with Dina and 'a bunch of other kids'.

Her silence seemed to have been enough of an answer because Dina quickly spoke up again. "You don't have to say yes or anything, we can just hang out in Jackson- oh, you could meet Jesse and the rest of the kids!" 

"That actually sounds kinda nice. I mean, I'll have to check in with Joel, but yeah totally."

Dina furrowed her eyebrows at her. "You call your dad by his name?"

Shit, Ellie really should have made up a story or, at least, talked to Joel about it first. "I mean- sometimes...force of habit I guess."

"What do you mean?" 

Fuck, this wasn't gonna end well. "It's a long story." She should have learned by now that no sane person ever took that as an answer. If anything, it piqued Dina's interest further.

"Yeah? Do tell."

Ellie knew she shouldn't. Even if Joel was all fun and sweet with her now, that didn't mean that some things were still off-limits. But she figured if she told this one lie, it would make it easier, to tell the truth later on. It was a shitty theory, but it just might work. 

"He had another daughter, before me, but she died a long time ago." That was so weird to say: daughter. She's never been anyone's daughter before. "After that, he was...scared to let anyone in, I guess. Even me." Especially me.

"He was very closed off for a while, like, we just recently started trusting each other." Not a lie, but not the truth either. 

"Shit, that's..." Dina blinked, trying to find the right words. "Really? But he seems so...nice."

Oh, Joel was nice all right, when he wanted to be. He could also be the scariest person in the world. 

"Yeah, I know. I mean, he's great now." 

It was clear that her friend didn't what to say, but she was trying.

"Did you know your sister well?"

It took Ellie a long time to process the question. Sister...shit is that what they were now? Did she just straight-up steal Joel from Sarah? What if Joel didn't even want another daughter? What if he just felt bad for her and that's why he was being so nice? Just the thought of it made it hard to breathe.

"Uh, no. No, she died before the Outbreak so she would have been, like, thirty by now." 

"Oh." Dina went quiet for a moment and there was a pit of guilt forming in Ellie's stomach at just the sight of her. "I had a sister too, but she passed away." Passed away. Not 'was killed' or 'got infected'. What a foreign concept. 

"Shit, I'm sorry." 

"Eh, it's okay." she shrugged "I still got my mom, even though she's like, crazy overprotective now. But you get what that's like." Her smile returned, pulling the corners of Ellie's lips up as well. "We gotta stick together, you know, to survive our crazy parents." 

Ellie's heart was beating so fast she feared it might burst out of her chest. She missed this; having a friend.

The girls slowly made their way back to Tommy's and Ellie couldn't stop her mind from racing. She hated herself for lying to Dina, for bringing Sarah into it for fuck's sake! But what else was she supposed to say? Joel never said anything to her about any of this, he just started being very nice and caring toward her, seemingly out of the blue.

She liked Joel; hell, she loved the guy, but what if it wasn't mutual? He probably just feels sorry for you, that's why he's being so nice to you. That thought got stuck in her head on a never-ending loop. 

She blinked those terrible thoughts away just as she and Dina stepped before the house. "I guess this is it, then." the girl smiled at her "I had a lot of fun today."

Ellie suddenly felt an oddly familiar ache, forming in her stomach. 'Don't go.' Those were her exact words to Riley a year ago. She had to fight the urge to repeat them. Dina was her own person, who wasn't abandoning her to join the fucking Fireflies. Besides, she lived in Jackson, and she was staying in Jackson. "Me too." 

"I'll see you around, Ellie." She waved before walking away, smiling over her shoulder a few times in a way that made Ellie's face burn red again. Shit, don't fucking do this to yourself!

The second she stepped foot into the house, she could see Joel's posture soften with relief. He and Tommy were sitting by the table, only this time it didn't look like they were fighting anymore.

"Hey, kiddo," he smiled and she felt guilt wrap around her ribs. The bad thoughts were back; the ones that told her that he was just pretending to love her. She hadn't had those thoughts before today - before she declared him her dad - and now she hated herself for lying to Dina even more. She needed to know where they stood. She needed confirmation. "How was the tour?" 

Ellie didn't answer, her mind was too preoccupied with anxiety. She marched up to him, ignoring Tommy in the corner. "What are we telling people?" she figured it would be easier to tear it off like a band-aid, rather than to make small talk with him first because she knew that she'd chicken out. "Because Dina just asked me if you were my dad and I didn't know what to tell her." 

Joel's face dropped and the room fell silent after that. Tommy's eyes anxiously traveled from him, and back to Ellie for a long time before he quickly excused himself.

"Right...well, I reckon that's my cue to go." He tapped his brother's shoulder before retreating upstairs, giving them as much privacy as possible.

Joel just kept looking at her with a familiar glare that, at that moment, Ellie recognized only as pity. Fuck, what if she was right? 

She waited, curling her fingers around the sleeve of her shirt. There was a better approach to this conversation, she knew there was, but she didn't have the patience for it. Finally, when it was just the two of them, Joel broke the silence. 

"C'mere."

Ellie did what she was told, sitting in a chair next to him, angled in a way that her eyes met his. She watched as he searched for the right way to approach this and, though it wasn't his intention, each moment that was filled with silence only filled her with more dread. The corners of his mouth slowly formed a soft smile; his eyes smoothing at the edges.

"Ellie...when I said that you were the only thing that mattered to me, in this whole wide world, did you think I was just saying that for shits and giggles?" 

He was referring to the time after they ran away from the Fireflies; him comforting her on that empty highway. She remembered his words very well, but she was just so sad that day, it was hard to differentiate between pity, and actual love and affection.

That was always a difficult concept for her to grasp. That there was someone in the world that loved her more than anything in this whole wide world. 

"I don't know..." she answered honestly, fear and anxiety painting her voice. 

"Okay..." Joel pursed his lips and nodded, probably realizing that explaining this to her might be a lot harder than he anticipated. "Look, sweetheart," Sweetheart, that was a new one.

"I know that you an' I didn't really start off on the right foot. I still haven't forgotten about that nasty fight we had the last time we came to Jackson..."

Ellie hadn't forgotten either. In fact, that fight had contributed a lot to her anxiety about having this exact conversation. You're not my daughter, and I sure as hell ain't your dad. 

"That- what I said, back then- it..." He was trying so hard to find the right words for her. That, alone, must've meant something. "I was angry, an' I never- ever - should have taken it out on you. Because I...I don't believe that anymore."

He gently took her hands in his, his thumb brushing her knuckles as his eyes guided her back to him. Was he apologizing for it? But he never apologized. 

His mouth opened and closed like he was trying to say something but no sound came out. After a few more seconds of struggle, Joel lowered his head in defeat and mumbled under his breath. "Jesus, I'm not good at this." 

Now it was Ellie's turn to watch him. He looked so different from that man she met back in Boston that it was almost confusing. Her silence didn't help him think of anything smart to say so he went for the next best thing; gently cupping her cheeks with his hands.

"Look, I don't know what you were plannin' on telling people- hell, I haven't even started thinking 'bout that yet - but I just..." he trailed off, swearing under his breath again.

He was never good at sharing his feelings, so Ellie appreciated that he took the time to think over his words before he said them, no matter how uneasy the silence was making her. 

"I want you to know that I mean it, Ellie; you really do mean everything to me." His voice was more determined now, clearer. "And as far as I'm concerned, that makes you my daughter. Okay?"

Ellie's composure cracked as she dove into his arms, letting out a mix between a laugh and a sob. Honestly, she felt kind of silly for worrying about this all day. Most of all, she was just relieved and happy. Truly happy.

"I thought you were just feeling sorry for me..." she cried into his chest.

"You what?" he pulled her closer. "Shit, baby I'm sorry. I didn't know you were stressin' about this- I woulda talked to you sooner."

"I mean, technically I wasn't before today." She pulled away and wiped her eyes away with her sleeve. "I kinda already told Dina that you were my dad..."

Joel raised his eyebrows at her. "The girl from the stables?" 

"Yeah- oh my God, she's so fucking awesome! She showed me the whole town, and then we talked for, like forever!”

Joel held her shoulders and gently shushed her. "Easy girl, one word at a time." 

"Sorry, I'm just..." she smiled, letting a few more tears to fall down her cheeks. "I'm just happy."

Now he looked like he was gonna cry too. "So, you're okay with this?" 

"Yeah, no shit!" They laughed together, their eyes sparkling with tears of joy. "Except," she hesitated after a moment "I've never, you know, had a dad before. What am I supposed to do?"

"Nothing, sweet girl. There's no instruction manual on these things- Believe me." Joel laughed and smoothed her hair with his palm. 

"But, what if I'm not...as good? What if you get sick of me?" 

"Y'know, with all due respect kiddo, I think if I were to get sick of you, it would have happened by now." 

"I just don't want to screw this up..." Elie admitted. 

"That ain't gonna happen. Ever," Joel reassured but he could see that she wasn't fully convinced yet. "I'm afraid you're stuck with me for good now." 

She smiled, really smiled, and hugged him again. "I love you."

He hugged her as tightly as he could, trying his best not to start sobbing from pure joy. "I love you too, baby girl."

Chapter Text

Joel regretted his decision to let Ellie out of his sight as soon as he made it. Not because he didn't trust her, he did - that little girl that was with her though, that was a whole other thing - but it didn't make it any less difficult. The only reason he even let her go on that tour was to see her smile, and he wanted to get Tommy off his back. He knew that if he didn't let Ellie go, his brother would have one more thing to complain about. 

Dina didn't look dangerous and he knew his girl could handle her if it came down to it. His fear of leaving her alone — not alone; without him —started after winter.

He was always insanely protective of her, rightfully so, but after everything that happened, he realized that wasn't going away, ever. Ellie was mighty capable, more than half the people out there, but that wasn't enough. Kids dying was much more common than before infected roamed the Earth and he wasn't risking anything. Not with her. 

Regardless, the damage was already done. Ellie was exploring Jackson with a kid that she just met and the only thing Joel could do was wait.

He went back to Tommy's to try and distract himself in some way. Tommy had to return to work so he had the whole house for himself for at least a few hours. He paced around, picked up a book, and gave up on reading it after about three pages before he found his brother's guitar in one of the rooms. How that man managed to get his hands on a perfect Gibson acoustic guitar was both a mystery and a blessing. Of course, because it was Tommy's, it wasn't tuned properly. Once again, Joel had to do everything by himself. 

That wasn't true, not fully, and he recognized that they were both being incredibly childish, starting that fight. He didn't understand what possessed him to bring Sarah into it, maybe it was because they were talking about Ellie. Almost losing her to the Fireflies brought back some memories, mostly bad ones.

She made it better, though. Seeing her smile kept his demons at bay and allowed him to start appreciating the time he did share with Sarah, rather than the time he lost. 

Hours passed and Tommy was the first to return. He hesitantly made his way into the kitchen upon seeing his brother sitting at the dining table. He nodded and mumbled out, what was supposed to be, a greeting "Joel." 

"Tommy." 

They didn't make eye contact, both of them still butt-hurt because of their fight earlier. Christ, even as they approached their sixties, they still couldn't help but act like stupid kids. 

"She still out?" Tommy asked. That must've been his way of making peace: bringing Ellie up. Ironically it was also the very thing that started this argument to begin with. Joel didn't mind, he liked talking about her. "Yep."

"Dina's a good kid, y'know. Her mama too, always helpin' out where they can." 

"What, is this you makin' me feel better?"

"No- this is me calming you down. As usual." 

Joel scoffed and leaned into his chair. His brother didn't move, just let out an exhausted sigh.

"Are we gonna talk about it or not? 'Cause if you're gonna be like this all day you can fuck off to your place right now." 

He expected Joel to lash out again, but he just looked away. "Look, Joel" he continued once he realized that he wasn't planning on saying anything. "I'll admit it- it wasn't my place to say anythin', but look at it from where I'm standin'. I was just lookin' out for the kid, that's all." 

"You're right, it wasn't your place." Joel scowled. 

"It's just...I've seen cases that were just outright disturbing you know?"

Joel nodded. He thought back to winter, once again. Ellie's soft little cries; "He tried to-". He knew exactly what kind of cases his brother was referring to.

"You know that ain't what's happening. For Christ's sakes Tommy do you really think I would- That I would even think about doin' something that sick?"

"No. I just...didn't wanna risk anything." 

"I get it." He let out a breath and shut his eyes to stop some unpleasant images from making an appearance. "Lord knows we've seen enough shit to be skeptical."

"I won't bring it up again, is what I'm tryin' to say. I know you're better than that."

This was the best that Joel was gonna get out of an apology. Weirdly enough, it made him feel better. It was familiar; like the kind of apology, they'd give each other back when they were still stupid kids. 

"Well, I acted outta pocket as well. Y'know I never should've...used her against you. Wasn't right." They weren't talking about Ellie anymore. 

Tommy looked at the floor for a moment, a small smile creeping onto his face. "You've always been an asshole that ain't nothin' new." That coaxed a laugh out of both of them.

"Really though," Joel continued, his tone lowered. "I want to keep talking about her. It's just…"

He didn't finish, he couldn't, not with the deep emotion welling in his chest at just the thought of his baby. He couldn't explain it, but he had felt incredibly guilty for occupying so many of his thoughts with Ellie and not her. 

It's not like he stopped thinking about her, that would never happen, but he stopped hearing her screams every time he closed his eyes. Her dying wasn't the only memory he had of her anymore. He started remembering her laugh, the way she smiled, her cute little accent, and the way her eyes sparkled when the sun hit them at just the right angle.

It felt wrong, in a way; like she was slipping out of his memory, even though that wasn't the case. His grief has been used almost like a safety blanket that he hid behind for twenty years and it felt wrong to allow some light to shine through the covers. 

He never thought about Ellie more than her or her more than Ellie. Not once. His heart was big enough for the both of them. This must be what it's like to have more than one child. 

"Just give me time."

That also felt like the wrong thing to say, given that it had been over twenty years. He figured his brother would point that out, but he didn't. He just smiled. "Take as long as you need."

A few minutes later, the front door opened and Joel suddenly felt like he could breathe normally again.

"Hey, kiddo. How was the tour?"

A week had passed since they moved into their new house and, so far, it was a huge success. Ellie was sleeping in her own room, in her own bed, and he couldn't be prouder of her. He still told her that she was free to wake him up whenever and he was prepared to do whatever she needed to feel safe. She'd taken him up on the offer only once: on their second day. Other than that, things have been running smoothly. 

His girl had chewed his ear off with stories of her new friends and he enjoyed every last second of it. Dina, the girl from the stables, was living with her mom not too far away, meaning the two girls could see each other often. She wasn't a threat, as it turns out, none of the kids were. Even the older kid, Jesse. Regardless of how Joel felt about his little girl hanging around an older boy, he seemed harmless enough.

Plus, from what she’d told him, he and Dina were dating so he didn't have to worry about him trying anything with his daughter. No boy was ever getting within twelve feet of her, far as he was concerned. 

It was official now, she was his daughter. Christ, just the word itself brought him so much joy it was overwhelming. She seemed to be happy about it too. It felt like all the tension between them that was still leftover from last year evaporated with last week's conversation. 

She hadn't called him dad yet; maybe she never would, and Joel was just fine with that. There was no point in rushing things that didn't need to be rushed. As long as Ellie was happy, nothing else mattered. 

As he thought more about it he realized just how selfish it was of him to just expect her to know where they stood. Especially since he had never made any of his other feelings known. He also came to realize that he was just as anxious to have that conversation with her as she was. But it didn't matter anymore, they were okay.

They were sitting on the couch, Ellie's feet on his lap as she re-read more of her Savage Starlight comics. He'd also been trying to get into reading more, now that he had the patience for it. Who knew it only took about forty years? It didn't take long before his kid got restless and she pulled him from his focus. 

"I'm bored," she threw the comic book on the coffee table and twisted herself into a more comfortable position. 

"You wanna do somethin'? We can watch a movie."

"We don't have any new ones." That was true. This past week they had been gorging themselves with movies, - sometimes even two or more a day - as many as they could find. 

"Cards?" Joel suggested but they both cringed at the idea in unison. He set down his book and thought about it for a moment before a light bulb went off in his head. "Wait here."

He gently pushed her feet from his lap, got up, and ran upstairs to retrieve something his brother had given him as a housewarming present. 

He returned to her with a guitar in his hands. Turns out there was a whole shop full of 'em nearby. Ellie's eyes went wide and that beautiful smile reappeared on her face. "Holy shit, Joel."

She was so goddamn adorable. 

"Now, I'm a man of my word," he sat down beside her, adjusting the instrument in his lap. "And I seem to recall a little deal I made, not too long ago. What was it again? You get me outta that university..." he trailed off and Ellie squealed with joy.

"Are you fucking serious right now?" 

"I mean, if you don't want I can take this back to Tommy-" 

"No- no- no- I wanna hear it!"

Joel couldn't hide his smile even if he tried."Promise me you won't laugh?"

"I won't, I promise!" She crossed her legs, her big eyes awaiting his performance. 

"Alright, I'm trustin' you."

Chapter Text

There is a level of purity that comes with being rotten. The world expects less of you because it recognizes that you, as a person, have nothing left to offer. It shakes you awake, demanding an explanation; why are you still breathing?

But that, too, has its limitations. The world will get tired eventually, and you'll be allowed a gasp of air and to claw at your chest, arching your back in an attempt to tear the heart from your chest. To somehow show that you're still able to produce something worth looking after. But Ellie's heart wasn't made of gold, no matter how desperately she wished it. 

The nightmares were getting worse and more frequent. She had woken up every night for the past week in a cold sweat, ripping the covers away from her to breathe easier. Her lungs burned and longed for some sense of relief but she would not grant them that wish. No sound escaped her; no screams or panicked cries for Joel.

Each night she woke up paralyzed, unmoving as her brain tried to make sense of her body. She stayed like that for a while, crying silently - something she's always been good at - so that she wouldn't burden her dad. 

One night it got so bad that she couldn't breathe. It felt like her jaw was glued shut; God forbid she ever made a sound. 

That night, she did get up and all but ran into Joel's room to shake him awake. He held her close and told her that she was okay like he always did. It helped more than she ever thought it would. 

The next night was the same, though she didn't wake him. He didn't need to know that she was ruined beyond repair. In his eyes, she stopped having nightmares long ago and that was it. That was all he needed to know. 

Once again she awoke, her back curved, and her palms shaped into fists. Usually, her nightmares only featured that night in the chalet with David's hands on her throat. After coming to Jackson though, Ellie's dreams turned into flashing images of Marlene.

Sometimes she was just laying still on the floor of that operating room, and other times she was standing in front of her. But she always had that bullet wound in her chest; blood smeared everywhere as she mocked her:

"Your mother would be so disappointed in you. She died for you and you threw it all away so you could play house with a man who doesn't give two shits about you. He didn't raise you. He's not yours to love."

Ellie's heart hurt as guilt swallowed her whole. Her forearm felt like it was on fire, fusing the bite mark with the rest of her skin. She needed it to stop. 

Marlene's voice kept yelling at her, even as she got up from the bed and ran to the bathroom. She paused and stood before the door for a moment, looking over at Joel's bedroom. He always kept the door open for her, especially for cases like this. 

She considered going in, she really did, but she also understood that the guilt of it would be too much to bear. He deserved a daughter that wouldn't wake him up by screaming and crying in his arms every night. He deserved someone better. 

He didn't raise you. He's not yours to love. 

Her eyes barely had time to adjust to the bright bathroom light before she shut them again, leaning over the toilet and retching. She didn't know what she expected to happen, but she knew that her body ached to be emptied. Whatever this awful feeling was, she needed it gone. 

The burning didn't stop, no matter how much saliva she spat into the toilet. This went deeper than just her stomach. It was all of her. 

"You're rotten, remember? Rotten children don't deserve heaven."

God, why did it always have to end like this? She had such a good day and, once again, her dreams had to fuck it all up. Joel sang for her and none of it mattered anymore. Not while guilt kept her company.

When she was little, Ellie figured that things would be different once she got a family. That all the bad thoughts would go away and make her pure again. Why wasn't she worth that? 

That dammed bite mark had been ruining her life for nearly a year now. It just took people away from her; at this rate, it was only a matter of time before it would take Joel too and she couldn't let that happen. She would rather chop off her arm than live without him. If that's what it took then fuck it.

Ellie got off the cold bathroom floor and quickly checked the cabinets underneath the sink for something, anything, that would take this pain from her. Acids she remembered, acids are used to cover up scars. 

She didn't think, just reached for the bottle of Clorox under the sink. She knew it would be there because she remembered how excited Joel was to see it a few days ago when they were cleaning the house. She placed it on the sink and rolled up her sleeve, displaying her bite mark. Riley's face flashed before her eyes; twitching and crying out in pain as she turned right before her eyes.

That night - that fucking night - has been sown into her skin as a constant reminder of her failures. She needed it gone. 

All she had to do was pour some of the liquid on the bite and she'd be normal. She could be pure again. No longer a rotten, moldy thing, with nothing left to offer. Maybe then the dreams would stop and Marlene's screams will cease to exist. 

Her grip on the bottle tightened as she tilted it ever so slightly over the sink, taking deep breaths. The second that acid made contact with her skin, Ellie saw stars, and her vision got blurry. Jesus fucking Christ, the pain. Not in a million years would she have imagined it being so severe.

She figured that the shock from it all would be enough to tame it, but it just made it that much worse. An ear-splitting cry escaped her as she lost her balance, crumbling to her knees. Her sobs quickly transformed into gasps, desperately trying to suck the air back into her lungs. 

The door opened only seconds later, with such force, that Ellie feared it might fly off the wall. 
"Ellie!" Joel roared and ran to her, strong arms taking hold of her damaged arm. 

"No!" She cried out at the touch, wriggling herself out of his grip as she backed away until she hit the bathtub. "Please— please don't touch me— please..."

Joel didn't waste a second before he damn near picked her up and helped her to her feet, holding her arm in a death grip. He held it under a running faucet, and Ellie's screams got louder as she tried to pull away but he wouldn't let her.

"I know baby, I know— I know— I know—" he tried to soothe.

The pain was starting to disappear - either that or the long-awaited shock was finally kicking in - and her knees gave out. "I'm sorry— I'm so sorry..."

Joel didn't know what to do. What could he possibly do? Hearing her agonizing scream already shook him to his core, but bursting into the bathroom to find his daughter curled into a ball, the skin on her forearm bubbling and caving in on itself, was a mental picture that he was never going to forget. 

His mouth opened and closed like he wanted to say something, but no sound came out. He kept his eyes glued to the little girl sitting at the kitchen table, biting her nails and refusing to look at him. She was doing so well...

Ellie was still shaking and avoiding his gaze at all costs, bringing her knees up to her chest. She was just a baby when it came down to it. 

He couldn't stomach the sight of her, pale and exhausted from the pain. A part of him wanted to grab and shake her, demand an explanation, while the other part begged him to fall to his knees and apologize to her for not being able to protect her from it. Protect her from herself. 

"Ellie..." he rubbed a hand over his face and forced her name out with the gentlest tone he could manage.

She looked up at him, holding her breath and Joel had to fight a mighty strong urge to burst into tears right then and there.

"What on earth were you thinkin'? Why would you-?" He didn't have the right words. Why was he so shit at talking to her when it mattered the most?

Her bottom lip quivered and she hid her face in the curve of her knees and Joel's heart broke all over again.

"Jesus kid, do you have any idea how dangerous-" he paused, answering his own question in his head. Of course, Ellie knew the risks of it. How could she not? It was why she did it in the first place. 

"I just didn't want to look at it anymore..." her voice was shaking, barely above a whisper. "Just- please don't hate me, Joel, please."

This was bad, Ellie only acted like a kid - or younger - when she was really scared or in pain. He hid his face behind his palms, cursing himself for being unable to read her mind. He was supposed to protect her; keep her safe. Maybe he was just destined to fail every time.

"Baby," the pet names usually calmed her down "I don't hate you, I could never hate you. I just wish you talked to me..."

She finally looked up, tear tracks running down her cheeks. "You don't know what it's like! You don't have a fucking reminder of your failures on your arm for everyone to see-"

His hand glued itself to the watch on his wrist, fingers circling the broken glass. He felt the weight of his first daughter in his arms, clinging to him with everything she had. Another little girl he failed to protect. That wasn't what Ellie meant, he knew it wasn't, but it still stung. Joel never took the watch off; he even slept with it. But that was a selfish comparison, given that he always had the option to take the watch off and keep it somewhere safe.

Ellie couldn't do that. That bite had been haunting her, ripping people away from her, and it held the power to rip her away from him. It made sense why she wanted it gone. But not like this. Never, ever, like this.

"I thought that the nightmares would stop once we got to Jackson," she sobbed. "But they're so much worse now! I wake up and I- I can't move- I can't- fuck!" She paused to gasp for air, emotion welling in her chest. "I needed it to stop...I- I didn't know what else to do I just- I don't deserve to be here!"

His heart stopped as he pulled her close, wrapping both arms around her shaking frame. She’d told him that the nightmares had stopped...she’d told him that she was okay. There was no use in talking her down, not while she was like this.

One of his arms came up and cradled her head, the other still wrapped firmly around her waist, as she cried into his chest, repeating the same words that she had uttered on that highway.

"I should be dead! You shouldn't have let me decide- why did you let me, Joel, why?"

Back at St. Mary's, Ellie had told him that she wanted to live; that she wasn't willing to die for that vaccine, and still, she felt guilty about it. God, if he could just see into her brain and let her know how loved she was. 

Her cries turned into sniffles and she went limp in his arms, letting him know that her body had reached its limit. Joel took the opportunity and cleared his throat. "I reckon that's been buildin' up for a while?" She nodded into his chest and he held her tighter. 

"I just-" she tucked herself underneath his chin. "I feel like I can't even be happy about all the good stuff that happened, because I'm just gonna end up feeling like shit about it."

He gently rubbed her back and tried his best to blink the tears from his eyes. The last thing she needed right now was for him to lose his cool.

"These nightmares," he started, carefully "Are they about Colorado or is it somethin' new?"

"It's new..."

"Okay," he sighed and loosened his grip a little "You wanna tell me about it?"

She pulled away and looked at him with those big, sad eyes of hers. "It's Marlene," she swallowed before continuing, "I keep seeing her. And she keeps saying things to me and I- I wanted her to stop..."

"And, you thought that hurtin' yourself would do the trick?" He wasn't accusing, he just needed to understand. 

He felt her shoulders rise as she shrugged and he tried his very best to suppress a groan. "Baby...while I get why you thought that would help," He didn't. Not in a way she needed him to. "I need you to know that hurting' yourself - in any way - is never, ever, the answer-"

"I didn't do it to hurt myself, though. I just wanted to hide the bite."

"Ellie you poured bleach on your arm." He eyed the bandages on her forearm and he felt the taste of bile rising in his throat. "I get what you were tryin' to do kiddo, I do. But, from now on, if you ever, ever, have thoughts about hurtin' yourself you need to tell me. It don't matter if it's the middle of the night or not, you tell me." 

She sniffled and looked away. "You don't get it..."

"Then I'll learn. Jus' promise that you'll tell me. No matter what it is." 

"You're not gonna like it."

"What I like don't matter." He cupped her face and turned her around. "I would rather you tell me about these things, than seein' you hurt yourself."

"Okay...I promise." 

They made their way upstairs and Ellie stopped before her bedroom. "Joel.”

She didn't have to say anything more. He wrapped an arm around her shoulder and led her to his bedroom where he tucked her in like he did every night. The second Joel was sure that Ellie was asleep, he let the tears fall. He didn't make a sound to not wake her up from her much-needed sleep. Instead, he ran his fingers through her hair, brushing his knuckles across her eyebrows and cheeks.

He couldn't help but stare at her bandaged arm. Another proof that he was unable to protect her. God, this was gonna be a lot harder than he anticipated.

Chapter Text

"She did what?" Tommy blinked at him, his mouth agape, eyes threatening to bug out of their sockets. 

Joel sat in the chair across from him, arms folded over his chest. "I thought she was better...". That little comment didn't seem to calm his brother down one bit. If anything, it made him more worried - which was comforting, in a way. It was good to know that Ellie finally had more people that cared about her. 

"Better? So she's done somethin' like this before?" He was leaning on his palms, glaring at the older Miller with, what could only be described as, fear and concern in his eyes. 

"No. Never,” he stressed, bringing his thumb to his lips and feasting on the skin around it. "She said it didn't have nothin' to do with hurtin' herself but- Tommy, she poured bleach on her arm."

"Jesus." Tommy ran his palms over his face "What now?" he asked. "You gon' just keep her locked in here? Joel, she needs to see a doctor or somethin'-" 

"You think I don't fucking know that?" he barked. "I can't afford to take her to the goddamn clinic. If they saw that bite mark they'd shoot her within seconds. Wouldn't even think twice about it. So, with that logic, you might as well be the one pulling the damn trigger." 

"Well, what else can we do-?"

"I don't know!" Joel damn-near screamed at the top of his lungs, then shut his eyes and lowered his head into his palms. He shouldn't have gotten so upset, not with Ellie upstairs.

"I don't know what to do," he lowered his voice. "I feel like I just got her and she's already slippin' away from me. She told me that her nightmares got worse- worse, Tommy. I mean- she has these moments, where she's so like herself but, lately, there's been more and more moments where she's just...so small."

Tommy pursed his lips, hands resting on his waist. 

"And I can't help but blame myself. She wasn't like this before we met...y'know, she wasn't happy either- that much is clear - but I just feel like I'm ruining her."

He could tell that his brother wanted to say something. Either he didn't know what to say or knew it would upset him.

"What?" Joel pushed, trying to draw an answer outta him, and, after a few moments of hesitation, he gave in.

"Listen, I ain't tryin' to overstep here," Oh, this oughta be good "But I see the way that girl looks at you. She loves you- and I know you love her too-"

Understatement of the century. 

"-And I don't know what happened with you two on the road but, Joel, you weren't like this when she met you either." 

As much as Joel hated to admit it, his stubborn little brother had a point. Of course, he'd rather chop off his arm than admit it to him, so he focused his gaze on the kitchen table. Tommy took the opportunity and carried on.

"What if it's just...too much too fast? You've been here a week; it's a new environment, with new people and a new you- don't look at me like that, you know it's true- and maybe it's just...too much for her?"

How that was supposed to help his case was a mystery to Joel, but he understood what his brother meant. Last week, when she came back and demanded they have that conversation, he was taken aback. He wasn't expecting it. Not that soon. He had planned to have that conversation with her, or at least the closest thing resembling it, sooner or later. Until then, he just hoped that his actions were enough.

He should have known better. These kids, growing up in a world like this, need words. They need constant reassurance that they are loved and needed. Especially kids who never had parents to begin with. 

"Look," Tommy continued. "Why don't you go to work today? Clear your head." 

Joel opened his mouth to protest but his brother put up a hand to silence him. "I'll watch her. Besides, I think it would be good for you two to spend some time apart." 

He hated the thought of leaving her alone. By God, he despised it. Each time he left her out of sight, she returned to him with tears in her eyes. The most recent being last week's conversation, and the first one being that whole business in Colorado. He had half a mind to give his brother a piece of his own mind but, once again, he was right. It wasn't good for them to spend every waking second with each other. Especially not now that she's made friends of her own.

He was interrupted by the sound of floorboards creaking upstairs and one of the doors shutting. Jesus Christ, that girl really had a gift for eavesdropping. He sighed and ran his fingers across the lines on his forehead before looking at his brother again.

"Gimme a second." 

"Grounded? For how long?" Dina stood behind the fence of their backyard, trying her best - and actively failing - to keep a low profile. 

Technically it wasn't a lie. After last night, Joel put his 'you ain't leaving the house for a month' warning - the one he’d made the day she met Dina- in full effect. A month seemed a bit extreme, even for him, so Ellie guessed it would probably last about a week. 

"I dunno, a week? Give or take." She was leaning on the window in her room, - the one that Joel told her over and over again not to lean on - her elbows nearly resting on the roof. 

"Shit, what did you do?" 

Oh, nothing. Just poured bleach on my exposed bite mark and gave myself a fucking chemical burn that may or may not have become infected. 

"Something I shouldn't have." She knew that being ominous wasn't really helping her case right now, especially not with Dina. If there was anything that girl loved as much as her, it was to stick her nose in other people's business. Thankfully, her friend didn't seem to question the fresh bandages on her arm. 

"Well, can you talk to him or something? You're kinda the only cool person in this shithole. And I can't hang out with Jesse because he's on patrol..."

The answer was short and simple: no, she couldn't talk to Joel. A week in Jackson was more than enough to prove that he was putting on an act. He tidied himself up; always tucking his shirts into his jeans and being overly polite to everyone in town. This morning, however, he seemed to have returned to his old self. His voice was low and gruff but instead of following it up with anger - like he often did on the road - he settled for worry. 

He gave a long speech about how dangerous it was for her to do what she did, again, and all but begged her to let him know the next time she had thoughts about 'hurting herself'.

Ellie found all of it wildly unnecessary, considering she wasn't trying to hurt herself, or him for that matter. Afterward, he changed the bandages on her arm in silence, his face twisted with concern. She tried to make him less worried by telling a joke or two before falling silent once she realized that he was in no mood. 

Today was supposed to be his first day at the construction site but he didn't go. He wanted to keep an eye on her. Eventually, Tommy showed up, allowing her to run upstairs and hide in her room, where she's been staying ever since. 

Ellie opened her mouth to reply to her friend but was quickly shut up by a loud noise downstairs. "I don't know!" That was Joel's voice, not the Joel she had come to know and love, no. This was the Joel she met back in Boston. It's been so long since she heard him yell like that. So long, that it managed to send chills down her spine. 

It looked like his anger was vibrant enough that even Dina heard it. Her eyes widened with concern, much like Joel's did when he found her on the bathroom floor. "What the fuck was that?" 

"Uh..." She searched for an answer but nothing smart came out so she settled for: "Tommy and Joel fight a lot."

"Yeah, I can tell. Shit."

"I'm gonna go check it out...If you don't see me for another week...maybe go check the cemetery for a new grave." 

"You're so stupid," Dina laughed, though Ellie was only half joking. If there was one thing she’d learned, it was that you never, ever, get in between Joel and the poor soul that just so happened to upset him. She had to learn that the hard way. 

"I'll talk to you soon, okay?" Ellie waved and closed the window, jumping out of bed as she slowly made her way to the hallway.

She sat down at the top of the stairs, carefully listening. Joel must've realized that he was getting too upset because he had lowered his voice quite a bit, but she still managed to catch a few words. 

"She wasn't like this before we met...y'know, she wasn't happy either- that much is clear - but I just feel like I'm ruining her."

Her heart sunk into the pit of her stomach, twisting and turning until she figured it was gone for good. Joel hated her. She was too much work, she always knew she was and now his words only confirmed it. Ever since he called her his daughter, claimed her as his own, she was waiting for him to realize that wasn't the case. No matter how much of an act she put on, she would never be Sarah, and Joel didn't want anyone other than her. 

The rest of his words flew by without sticking around for her to process them. She didn't need to, to be honest. She'd heard enough. 

With her heart shattered, she got off the floor and ran to her room, slamming the door in the process. Her arms enveloped her stomach as she twisted in on herself, tears soaking her pillow. It was only a matter of time before he got sick of her. 

A knock interrupted her thoughts. "Ellie?" it was Joel. Of course, it was him.

"What?" she addressed him, all the sense of childlike behavior leaving her at once. She had a good go at it, being a kid, but if it wasn't going to make Joel stick around, it didn't matter. 

She heard the doorknob turn and the floorboards creak under his step as he moved to sit on the edge of the bed.

"How's your arm?"

It wasn't him caring about her injury, it was him avoiding the real subject. Unlucky for him, Ellie wasn't much for avoiding. "Why, so you can brag to the whole town about it?"

"Ellie—"

"You could have at least waited for me to be out of the fucking house before you talk about me, y'know."

She was ready for him to fight with her, ready for him to call her selfish, a brat, or anything else along the lines of what adults had called her over the years. Soldiers would sometimes trip her on purpose and laugh at her face as she cried. That was before she was old enough to fight for herself; couldn't have been more than six years old. It was a miracle she even remembered anything from her formative years. Everything else was pretty much a blur. 

But Joel didn't fight her. He reached out, tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, and sighed. "I'm sorry, kid. I didn't mean to, I just," he paused, giving his brain time to come up with an excuse that wouldn't damage her further.

He'd always been shit at talking to her. Sure, he had his moments. Like back at St. Mary's, he knew what to say back then. He knew how to tuck her into his side, their bodies fitting together like they had been made for each other. He knew how to hold her; make her feel safe. 

Now, however, he looked hesitant. As if his touch wasn't the only thing that could make her feel okay. God, what if he really did hate her?

"Listen," he began "I promised Tommy I'd go to work today, but he's gonna stay here and keep an eye on you-"

"What?" Ellie sat up to face him, not bothering to dry her cheeks. "No- Joel- I don't need a fucking babysitter-" The complaint died on her tongue once she saw his face change, his eyes prodding themselves into hers before scanning the rest of her face. Now she really wished that she had dried her tears.

"Oh, Ellie" His hand moved up to wipe the tears from her face, but she dodged the attempt.

"Why don't you trust me? You trusted me on the road."

"I do trust you." He looked hesitant and she wasn't buying it.

"Then tell Tommy that he doesn't need to watch me." 

Joel sighed again and shut his eyes for a few moments. "Ellie, I trust you with my life- you know this. I just need some time until I can trust you with yours."

Ouch. Fucking ouch. 

His words stung more than they really should have, and Ellie felt defensiveness rise inside her chest. "I'm not gonna fucking kill myself, Joel!" 

"Ellie-" Now his tone sharpened again. It reminded her of their first big fight. So much so that she could almost hear his next words. "You are dreading on some mighty thin ice here."

Of course, he didn't say that, but he looked like he wanted to. Ellie watched him glance down at his watch, checking the time before he remembered that it was broken.

He had been doing that more and more lately, and she didn't know what to do with it. She knew it had something to do with Sarah, she wasn't stupid, and judging by the bullet-shaped holes in the glass it wasn't hard to figure out what it was.

"We'll talk about this later," was all he offered her before getting up and walking away. His feet stopped him at the doorway, where he turned and looked at her for a moment or two. It quickly became clear that this was his way of apologizing to her. Whether it was for talking about her behind her back or for just generally being a giant asshole, was a mystery though.

"I'll be back before dark. I promise."

Shit.

Ellie listened to a few final exchanges between the brothers before the front door shut, leaving only her and Tommy in the whole house. 

She liked Tommy a lot. They usually only got the chance to talk during dinners at his and Maria's place and he was always incredibly nice to her. After last week, she begged Joel to talk to him and explain everything, which he gladly did. Talking to Joel about it was one thing, but talking to Tommy was a whole other thing.

She hadn’t spent every waking moment of the past year with him. He didn't go through what she and Joel went through. Tommy didn't know her enough to love her unconditionally and claim her as his family. Not yet.

Still, he seemed happy about it. Joel probably asked him not to bring it up with her because he knew it might make her uncomfortable, but she still caught the amused looks he shot her now and again. 

After about ten minutes or so of weighing her options — one: she could stay in her room all day and probably die of boredom, two: she could finally start acting like the grown-up she claimed to be and talk to Tommy — she got out of bed and walked downstairs.

She found Tommy sitting at the kitchen table, fiddling with the radio in his hands. It was quiet moments like these that he often looked most like Joel. After a few moments, he finally spotted her looking and placed the radio on the table, smiling up at her.

"Hey, kid. Thought you were still sleepin'."

That was a lie. No way in hell did he not hear her yelling at Joel upstairs, but she appreciated him trying. Ellie offered an awkward smile before curling up at a seat opposite him, suddenly desperately craving Joel's presence.

"You're not going on patrol today?" 

"Nah," he said. "Managed to get some asshat to cover for me." His eyes traveled down to her bandaged arm, but only for a second. She appreciated that too. 

"I wanna go on patrol,” she stated after a few moments, praying that he wouldn't ask her about how exactly she got the injury- though she knew Joel told him about it already.

He didn't, just chuckled softly to himself. "You that eager to get back outside, girl?"

"I dunno," she shrugged. "I just wanna be useful."

"Well, I think I speak for both myself and my brother when I say that you're a hell of a lot more useful inside the walls for the time being," 

Tommy smirked, his eyes dropping to her arm again. This time his stare lingered for a moment or two until Ellie hid the arm under the table. That snapped him out of it and forced his gaze somewhere else. "Sorry."

Her fingers ran up and down the bandages, eyes focused on a random spot on the table so she wouldn't have to look at him, ashamed. She didn't want to talk about it, Joel's already pressured her enough in that regard. But this wasn't Joel, this was his brother. The next best thing, even. 

His eyes pierced through her skin, to the point where Ellie felt so vulnerable that she could curl up into a ball and let the ground swallow her whole. That wasn't his intention, not if he shared Joel's blood. 

And yet, he couldn't just drop it. Because he did share Joel's blood. 

"Listen," he was careful with the way he spoke, a little awkward even. "I know you probably don' wanna talk about it- you don' have to - just let me say my piece and then I'll drop it. I swear."

Ellie could feel every muscle in her body tighten as panic swallowed her whole. The urge to act like a kid came rushing back, a sudden desperation to be held and handled like a baby. She wanted Joel. 

But she didn't put up a fuss. In fact, she nodded, allowing him to carry on with whatever he was planning on saying. 

"Look, honey- I don't know the whole story, but I just want you to know that if you ever need to talk to someone who isn't my brother, my door is always open. And if it's somethin' you feel you can't discuss with me either, I'm sure Maria would be more than happy to help out." His words were overly formal, which was so unlike him it was almost funny. "Now, I know she ain't always all sunshine an' rainbows an' whatnot, but she seems to have a soft spot for you." 

Her gaze moved from the table to the wall to her right, still avoiding Tommy's eyes. She heard him sigh, the chair he was sitting on creaking as he shifted his weight a bit. "My brother already told you all of this, huh?"

He did. Well, his version of it but yeah, he did. 

Tommy let out a low chuckle. "And here I thought I was being original." That tugged the corners of her mouth up, only a little. Tommy caught on to that. 

"But seriously, if you ever need anything at all- if you just want a break from my stubborn brother- you are more than welcome at our place anytime. Okay?" 

He was so gentle with her, so patient. It was a different kind of patience than with Joel. There was a layer of love that both of them provided, but Joel's was sometimes followed up with guilt. It wasn't his intention to make her feel guilty, not even a little bit, but at the end of the day, that's what happened. He wasn't blaming her, he was blaming himself for not being able to protect her - which was stupid - but the guilt he carried was so radiant that it quickly transferred to Ellie. 

There was no guilt with Tommy. She could talk to him about these things, knowing that he wouldn't shift all the blame onto himself. It wasn't his job to take care of her. 

"What are you thinking about?" he asked, pulling her from her thoughts. 

Joel didn't mention anything to her about discussing the whole 'St. Mary's situation' with Tommy. He didn't know that she took away the world's one chance at a cure. 
Ellie shook her head and brought her knees up to her chest. "I just don't want you to hate me."

"Hate you?" He let out s mix between a scoff and a laugh, his face furrowed with confusion. "Why would I ever hate you?" 

"Joel does. He can't even look at me anymore."

Tommy's eyebrows shot up to his hairline as another breathless chuckle escaped him. "Joel? You mean our Joel?" He laughed before he realized that she wasn't joking. "Oh...Oh honey, Joel doesn't hate you. Not even close." 

"No, but he's really mad at me," Ellie stressed, "He never gets mad anymore..." 

"Oh, kid," The younger Miller ran his palm across his face before looking at her again. "He ain't mad at you, Ellie. He's scared shitless."

Now it was her turn to scoff. "Joel doesn't get scared." 

"No?" He laughed again. "You wanna know a secret about that daddy of yours?" Ellie didn't answer but it was clear that her interest was piqued.

"When we was kids," Tommy continued, "we didn't have too much money so we usually spent our summers at home or our grandma's house- if we were lucky- while all the other kids went off to summer camp."

"What's summer camp?" 

"Well, it's a camp you stay at for a few weeks during the summer break. Kids could learn how to survive out in the wilderness. 'Course it was all jus' for show back then. Anyway, one year we managed to get enough money to send one of us to camp and, 'cause he was the oldest, Joel was the first to go. Couldn't have been more than...I dunno, seven at best."

The idea of a small Joel was beyond surreal to Ellie. Especially a scared, little Joel. 

"He was bein' real brave 'bout it too, tellin' everyone how he was gonna learn to skin a wild boar and whatnot. Well, the first night rolls around and we get a call from one of the camp councilors-" He glanced over his shoulder and leaned forward as if Joel could hear them from across town "-tellin' us that we gotta go pick him up 'cause he wet the bed."

"Shut up!" A wide grin quickly smeared itself across Ellie's face. That was the best little nugget of information she had ever received.

"I'm serious! He cried all the way back home too." 

Ellie quickly broke into a fit of giggles, damn near falling off the chair and Tommy joined her. "Trust me kid, Joel's been plenty scared. 'Specially after the Outbreak." 

"Because of Sarah?" she asked once her breathing returned to normal. His eyes quickly widened, like he couldn't believe she had just asked that.

After a minute of silence, he cleared his throat and finally answered, with a gentle tone. "Yes, it was."

"Oh." She looked down, awkwardly playing with her fingers. You got a real gift for ruining the moment, don't you?

"My point is, Joel loves you more than anything. He adores you. And the only thing that could scare him, is the thought of losing you. You understand?"

"I think so."

"Good." He nodded. "But trust me, I know firsthand what it's like to be loved by Joel. It's suffocating. So if it ever gets too much for you, you gotta tell him. Now, I can't guarantee that he'll hear you on it. Lord knows he's never been good at reading people- but I know that he would do anything to please you. Hell, if you kill me right now, I bet you'll be rewarded with a hug an' a kiss."

She laughed again.

"I mean it, he'll probably even make you cookies."

She looked up at him with a sparkle in her eyes. "Joel knows how to make cookies?"

"Nah," Tommy laughed with her, "He's always been shit at cooking. But he would learn for you. Because that's just who he is."

"Do you know how to make cookies?" She asked with a mischievous smirk. 

"Tell you what; why don't I go fish out some recipes and you an' me can make some?"

"Wait, seriously?" 

"Sure, why the hell not?"

"I'm not gonna fucking kill myself, Joel!"

Those words kept him company the whole day, sending shivers down his spine each time. He knew he should have found better words to explain everything to her, but he just didn't have them. Or rather, he knew that whatever words he did have for her, weren't good enough.

He tried to think back to his time with Sarah, to somehow remember what to do in a situation like this. But Sarah never lived to reach the point in her life where she didn't want to exist. 

A thousand different questions flooded his mind all at once: Was Ellie suicidal? Was it his fault? Was she planning on hurting herself further? 
Joel knew how to protect his daughter - most of the time - from outside danger. Raiders, infected, you name it, it wasn't getting anywhere near her. But how was he supposed to protect her from herself?

How does a parent show their kid that living is worth it? After everything that little girl's been through, nonetheless. 

Regardless of the nasty thoughts, his day went pretty smoothly. He had come to realize that he missed working normal jobs, not smuggling ammo or weapons, or a kid. He missed having her by his side, of course, but there was no one he trusted with his kid more than Tommy. He just had to remind himself of that fact every now and then. 

After work, he had planned to go straight home to Ellie but he made a stop at the 'pharmacy' - a random store that the folks in Jackson agreed would work best for giving out what medicine they had - to find something to help with her burn. 

He had no idea what to get for these kinds of things. What if she was allergic to a certain drug or cream? What if he got the wrong thing and it ended up getting worse?
God, this kid was gonna be the death of him.

"Can I help you with something?" A voice asked and pulled him from his thoughts. Joel turned around to face a man in his late thirties or early forties, with dark hair, dressed in a white gown. It didn't take a genius to figure out that he was the town doctor. The man's eyes widened once he turned to face him and he offered a polite smile. "Oh, you're Mr. Miller, right? Ellie's dad?"

He was never going to get tired of hearing that. In a way, that title made him human again, because he wasn't just Joel anymore, he was Ellie's dad. "Yeah, that's me."

"Eric Chang" the man introduced himself, offering his hand. "Jesse's father." 

Joel accepted the man's hand, satisfied that he was finally meeting another parent. Especially a parent of the kid his daughter had spoken so highly of. They were both huge fans of the comic books she liked to read so much, so he guessed that must've gotten him such high praise. "Joel."

"Jesse's told me so many great things about your daughter. I'm glad he finally has a friend that shares his interests." 

Somehow, meeting that boy's father proved him even less of a threat - though he wasn't much of a threat, to begin with. Must've just been the Texan dad in him that found the idea of his daughter making friends with a boy terrifying. "Yeah, likewise." 

"Are you looking for anything specific?" The doctor looked past his shoulder at the shelf with some boxes of Adderall on them. "I can't guarantee we have it but I can give it a shot," he joked. 

Shit. Joel knew he couldn't very well tell the man about Ellie's injury without it sparking worry. The man was a doctor and a father for fuck's sake. But he also needed to get something for her burn or else it could get worse.

"Ah, it's uh, a little silly but Ellie's recently gotten into researching different types of injuries. We've spent so long on the outside, I think she's still a little frightened that we're gonna have to get back out there and she won't have the right supplies..." he was rambling now, trying his best to sell a shit lie. "Anyway, she asked me about uh, chemical burns and how to treat 'em." 

Eric's face twisted a little. "Chemical burns?" 

"It's silly, I know but I didn't know what to tell the kid. Y'know, I told her that we got the clinic or these things but she insisted, and, well, here I am." Please buy it. 

"Right, well it depends on how severe the injury is but-" His forehead wrinkled with concern "Mr. Miller if that were to ever happen you need to bring her to a clinic immediately-"

"Of course, I'm sure it was just a hypothetical question." Please, for the love of God, believe me. 

"Well, I'd say to just wash the burn with light soap a couple of times a day. Maybe rub some Vaseline on it. Should be better within a week."

Thank God. "Well, now I know what to tell her. Thanks, doc."

"Not a problem." There was a hint of suspicion behind his tone but Joel decided to ignore it. "Anything else I can help you with?" 

He couldn't very well buy the Vaseline now, but he couldn't leave empty-handed. "You got anythin' for headaches that ain't expired?" 

He ended up walking out with a baggie of Aspirin - apparently, some factory out in Atlanta was producing them and they managed to get their hands on it - and an invitation for him and Ellie to have dinner at the Chang household.

Eric explained that his wife liked to throw parties and that it would be "a good opportunity to meet some people." It's not like he craved to meet other people, maybe just Dina's parents so he could make sure Ellie wasn't hanging out with a maniac's child or anything like that. Besides, he had Ellie and that was more than enough.

He arrived at the house before dark, just as he promised. That oughta buy him some good points, right?

When he opened the door, he was immediately greeted with a smell of...burning? Panic quickly rose in him but died out the second he spotted his daughter smiling up at him and bouncing off the walls. 

"Joel! We made cookies!" She called out with something brown smeared all over her face. Joel eyed his brother for some clarification and was met with a shrug. "Girl's never had chocolate before."

He sighed and smiled at his little girl. She didn't appear to be upset with him which he could only thank God for. He didn't even have time to sit down before Ellie quickly led him to the kitchen, where she shoved a cookie into his palm, looking up at him with those big, puppy eyes of hers. "Go on, try it!"

How could he say no to a face like that? 

The cookie was way too sweet - that explains Ellie's hyperactivity - and burnt at the edges to the point where anyone could break a tooth biting into it, but he swallowed his bite without making a face, making sounds of approval as he chewed. "Well, we got ourselves a little baker, don't we?"

"You like it?" She asked, and Joel could see the anxiety rising in her so he quickly ruffled her hair.

"Best cookie I've ever had." He was rewarded with a happy squeal that was enough to fill yet another hole in his heart.

"She did most of the work herself," Tommy explained. That made a lot of sense. 

"That's not true, you helped a lot too," Ellie stressed. She was so adorable. Joel walked to the sink where he grabbed a wet rag and made his way back to her. He placed one hand on her shoulder to turn her around and began cleaning the chocolate off her face. She cringed and made annoyed noises at him the whole time but it didn't faze him at all. "Did you eat any real food or just cookies?" 

"I had a sandwich..." 

"Uh-huh. Well, go wash yourself up before dinner, okay?"

"Kay." She quickly ran upstairs, giving Tommy a high five as she passed him. That gave the brothers enough time to catch up. 

"A sandwich?" Joel raised his eyebrows at Tommy who rolled his eyes. "It was two sandwiches," he stressed "With a lot of vegetables too so get off my back."

"Thanks. For watching her, I mean. I don't know how the hell you managed to get her to smile like that but...I'm glad you did." 

"It's no trouble at all. She's a great kid."

Tommy stuck around to help clean the kitchen, thankfully and Joel stopped him just before he left. "Hey, you got any Vaseline anywhere? Or somethin' close to it? It's for her burn..."

His brother let out a breath "I'll have to check but if I find anythin' I'll bring it over"

"Thanks. Again." 

Tommy clasped him on the shoulder and glanced upstairs before leaving. "Go talk to her. She needs it."

And that's exactly what he did. 

Joel made his way upstairs, knocking on her door before entering. Ellie was sitting on her bed, still dressed in her flour-covered shirt and jeans. He didn't have the heart to scold her about it, not now while she looked so adorable. Instead, he leaned on the doorway and watched her, soaking up every detail of her smiling face.

"You had a good day, kiddo?" 

"Yeah. I really like Tommy." 

That warmed his heart more than he thought it would. "I'm glad," he slowly made his way to her bed. When he got close enough he leaned forward and planted a whiskery kiss on the top of her head. "Ellie I'm real sorry for how I acted this morning. Wasn't right." 

"It's okay," she shrugged "I know you didn't mean it. And I'm sorry too." 

He tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and smiled at her. "Whaddaya say we change that bandage, hm?" 

She obeyed and offered him her arm while he sat down to inspect it. Tommy came over just prior to give him some Vaseline he had at his place so that made Joel a little more confident about the state of things.

He carefully unwrapped the bandages to inspect the burn. The skin looked like it was boiling, red around the edges with some white pus decorating it. Joel suppressed his urge to make a face at her, it wasn't what she needed right now.

Ellie was still throughout the whole procedure, only wincing once the Vaseline made contact with her skin. What a brave girl. Afterward, Joel re-wrapped her arm with fresh bandages. "Let me know if it's too tight."

She nodded but didn't say anything for a while. "Joel?" she asked after some time.

"Mm?" he murmured the response without looking up at her. 

"Do you know how to skin a wild boar?"

He looked at her, his eyebrows furrowed with confusion. It was only after he spotted the mischievous look in her eyes, a playful smirk decorating her face, that he realized what she meant. He groaned and rubbed his eyes with his palm.

"Goddammit, Tommy."

Chapter Text

He knew it was a stupid idea to go. The last thing he needed right now was to shove himself into a room full of play-pretend suburban parents. But this wasn't about what he needed, it was about what was best for Ellie. That was always his number one priority. 

Joel kept her in the house for days, terrified that her burn would somehow get worse if he wasn't there to keep an eye on it. He recognized that he had deprived his daughter of seeing her friends, which wasn't his intention, but desperate times called for desperate measures. 

"Ow!" Ellie complained once he tightened the fresh bandages around her arm. "Sorry," he apologized and began unwrapping the fragile material. Thank the Lord, the burn was healing well enough, or it wasn't getting worse.

"Why do we even have to go to this stupid thing?" she asked, "I thought you hated meeting new people."

"Oh wow, someone's excited," Joel teased and carefully wrapped the final layer of bandages over her forearm. "Also, who said I hated meeting new people?"

"Tommy." Yeah, that checks out. 

To be fair, his brother wasn't too far off. Joel's never been good in big groups of people, that's part of why he was put on anti-anxiety meds before Sarah was even born. He didn't hate meeting new people; it was always so draining, and he never carried the patience for it. He especially despised meeting other parents.

No matter how much he denied it, he saw the way parents and teachers would look at him once it was known that he was a single father. Sarah's mother left pretty early on, didn't even bother sticking around to see her daughter's first steps, so Joel had to raise her all on his own. It was never a chore; neither of his girls ever proved themselves too much to handle. 

After he was done, Joel handed Ellie one of his flannels, which she accepted with a roll of her eyes. "Can't I just wear an undershirt or something?"

"Loose material," he explained and tugged at her sleeves to make his point. She dug her nose into the collar of the flannel and inhaled. "Smells like you."

"That a good thing?" 

"If you think smelling like gunpowder and burnt shit-" coffee "-is good then yeah, it's great." 

"Very funny." On any other given day, Joel would've been fed up with her teasings long ago, but he was so happy to hear her cracking jokes that it didn't matter. She seemed to be better; calmer if anything. Now all he had to do was pray that it would last. Lord knows she deserved some peace.

He grabbed her by the shoulders and knelt so that he was at eye level with her. "Now, if anyone sees the bandages on your arm, what do you say?"

She rolled her eyes as far as they went and whined in response so Joel had to shake her lightly to get her to pay attention. "Ellie, I'm bein' serious. What do you say?"

"That I spilled hot water on myself- yeah I know! It's not like anyone is gonna see."

It was yet another shit lie, but Joel wasn't gonna send her to a doctor's house with an injury without having a story behind it. That could turn sour real quick. And he couldn't tell them that she poured bleach on her arm - for many reasons - because he couldn't risk them seeing the bite. 

Giving credit where credit was due; Ellie's attempt in hiding the bite mark wasn't not a success. It was still visible, but mainly because the burn was still relatively fresh. Once it heals there might not be any trace of the bite left.

Sure, whatever helps you sleep at night, old man.

*

"What's a dinner party anyway?" Ellie looked up and asked as they approached the Chang residence. "Sounds like an excuse to eat other people's food for free."

He snorted. "I don't think there's much eating involved, to be honest. Reckon it's just a fancy excuse for adults to get drunk with kids present."

"Can I drink?" she tired and Joel only dignified her question with an unimpressed look. "What? It's not like I've never done it before."

"That ain't the point and you know it."

"Are you gonna drink?"

He thought about it for a moment. After Sarah died, he went through a pretty rough phase where you couldn't find him without a drink in his hand. If he was too much of a coward to pull the trigger, he might as well drink himself to death. 'Course that mentality only got him as far as a new hangover every morning or so. The real stroke of genius happened once he figured out the risks of mixing pills with it. It didn't kill him, but it proved itself a damn good coping mechanism. He hadn't done it since the day God blessed - and cursed - him with the task of protecting a little girl.

"We'll see," he answered after a brief silence. "Depends on how unbearable the other parents will be."

Ellie's eyes went wide and she smacked him playfully. "Ha! I fucking knew you didn't wanna go!" 

Joel smiled at her and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. That girl had him wrapped around her little finger and she knew it. "Alright, smart-ass tone it down a bit, yeah? Remember I'm doin' this for your damn benefit."

"Doin' this for your damn benefit," she mimicked back and grinned up at him. "Oh, that's supposed to sound like me?" 

She shrugged. "Is it good?"

Despite the past two weeks of pure and utter chaos, his girl still managed to burn brighter than any star in the sky. She was strong, way stronger than him and he couldn't have been prouder if he tried.
"Terrible."

When they finally reached the house, all the lights were turned on and there was laughter accompanied by smooth jazz music that seemed to have brightened up the entire town. Maybe this wasn't going to be so bad. 

Before they knocked on the door, Ellie bumped his shoulder with hers - a gesture he often did to her so that she wouldn't feel nervous - and smiled. "You ready?"

As long as she's happy, I'm happy - Joel thought to himself as he knocked on the big door in front of them.

Jesse's mother, Robin, was the one to open the door. She looked...well, like a mom. Not in a bad way, but Joel wasn't used to seeing mothers who didn't carry guns or worked the corners to feed their children. He was very used to the sight of grieving mothers, though. Tess was a mother once, though she didn't like talking about it, which suited him just fine. He often thought of her and what she'd have to say about the love he's developed for Ellie. 

I always knew you were a big softie, Texas. Something along those lines probably. On those real lonely nights, Joel often thought about what life would have been like if Tess had lived. She was the first to develop a soft spot for Ellie so there was no doubt she would've been an incredible mother to her. Maybe they could've been a proper family, even. 

Robin's gentle voice pulled him from his thoughts as she offered him her hand. "Ellie- Joel- I'm so glad you could make it!" 

He quickly shook her hand back. Guess we're doin' the play-pretend suburban parents, then. "Thank you for having us, ma'am." 

"Oh, it's no trouble at all." The woman turned to his daughter next and shook her hand as well. "Jesse's told me so many great things about you, honey." 

He could see Ellie's posture stiffen at the contact, but didn't bother asking about it just yet. Maybe she's just shy. 
"Um, hi." She offered a quick smile and shook her hand with her non-injured one. 

The second they stepped foot into the house, a raven-haired girl ran toward them and pulled his kid into a hug, squealing with delight as she did so. "Oh thank God, you're here. Don't ever leave me alone with Jesse for that long again!"

Ellie smiled and awkwardly settled into the embrace. "Hey, Dina." 
Before anyone could object, Dina grabbed her hand and led her upstairs, only briefly giving Ellie the chance to turn back to Joel with a smile and mouth a little "bye" before she was out of his sight. 

"Door stays open!" Robin yelled after the girls before turning to him again. "Kids, huh?"

There weren't all that many people there, as it turns out. He'd already met a few people from his time at the construction site or from running errands so it wasn't as intimidating as he feared it would be. Mrs. Chang was the one to introduce him to Dina's mother, Marianne. A very...vibrant woman, to say the least. There was no denying the resemblance between her and her daughter, their features falling in the same places, her long dark hair twirling around as she danced with a glass of bourbon in her hand. 

"Oh- you're Ellie's dad, right?" She jumped forward, like a lion hunting prey, and shook his hand before offering hers first. Joel tried to keep his features relaxed, though he was struggling to suppress annoyed groans. This wasn't his scene, not even a little bit. Christ, even parent-teacher conferences were a pain in the ass back in the day, let alone having full conversations with these people. Still, he knew how to be polite, so he shook her hand back and nodded. 

"I can't tell you how happy I am that Dina finally has a friend her age-" she paused and turned to Jesse's parents "-not that your boy isn't amazing, Robin, he's been lovely."

Joel hasn't had the pleasure of spending more than a minute with Ellie's new friends, so he couldn't give any input to the remark. Thankfully, Eric showed up at just the right time with a glass in his hand. "Drink?"

"Absolutely." 

He didn't know how long he was zoned out, carefully sipping the bourbon that Mr. Chang had given to him. He moved around the house a bit, talking to anyone he could, but he always seemed to end up with Marianne and the Changs. He hoped that Ellie was having fun because he didn't know how many more fake smiles and affirming nods he had in him left. He tried reminding himself that this was what he wanted; a normal life. That being said, he had almost forgotten how boring that can be.

His prayers were answered shortly when the sound of stairs creaking announced the kids to the room. Ellie ran up to him, breathing heavily, her hair falling all over the place. "Joel, can you please tell Jesse and Dina that I stitched you up during winter?"

He looked at her for a moment, his brows furrowed with confusion. She hated talking about winter. Hell, she could barely think about it without having a goddamn panic attack, and now she was sharing it with her friends like it was nothing? 

"It's not true, you're bullshitting us!" Jesse called out, not far behind. 

"I'm not! Joel, tell him."

He hesitated for a moment, looking around the sea of faces that were now glaring at him, shocked. After a moment he looked back at his kid, who was still pleading with her eyes. If she's okay with talking about this, then so am I. 

"It's true," he confirmed and wrapped one arm around Ellie's shoulder. "Wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her." He looked back down at Ellie, her face shining with pride at his praise. 

Both Jesse and Dina's eyes widened. "No way!" the boy exclaimed. "Prove it." 

"Oh, that's not necessary-" Robin quickly chimed in but Joel put up a hand to silence her. He eyed his girl to see if she had any objections to it, but her eyes only sparkled brighter so he slowly untucked his shirt and lifted it to display the scar. 

The room broke out into a wave of whispered gasps and Ellie puffed out her chest with pride once again. "You did this? By yourself?" Eric asked once he had taken a closer look. "How?"

"I just used whatever we had on hand. But then I also got some Penicillin-" She went quiet after that, and Joel felt her shoulders stiffen. He tried giving her a reassuring squeeze to let her know that he was there and that she was okay, but she wiggled herself from under his arm and took a few steps back. It was clear that she wasn't in the same room as him at that moment. 

She was brave, his girl. Always so damn brave. That being said, she was also stubborn as all hell, meaning that there was no room for rehashing at this moment. She ran back to her friends, and put on a fake brave face, almost rushing to get away from him. "See? I told you I did it!" 

"Yeah yeah, whatever. I still win." Jesse teased as they made their way to the backyard. His comment got him a fierce punch from Dina. "Shut up! You're just jealous that a girl is cooler than you."

The second that the kids were out of sight, everyone's eyes seemed to be on Joel. "Is it true?" Robin asked, carefully. Joel sighed and downed the rest of his drink in one sip before answering. "Yeah, yeah she's real resourceful that one." 

"I'll say," Eric said, glaring at him with the same suspicious look that he had given Joel once he asked about chemical burns. "She did well, considering the...circumstances." His eyes flew in the direction of the kids and Joel couldn't shake the feeling that something was very wrong. 

The Changs had a big glass window on the back door, from which you could see the backyard. Joel followed the doctor's gaze, his stomach dropping once he realized that he was looking at Ellie. There was a sudden possessiveness that tugged at his gut.  

It was stupid, that fear that everyone was out to get her. Especially a father and a doctor, for Christ's sake. Still, Joel remembered his brother's words and felt the taste of bile rising in his throat.

"It's just...I've seen cases that were just outright disturbing you know?"

It took a moment for him to realize that the doctor wasn't glaring at Ellie, he was glaring at him. Looking him up and down, judging him. "Everythin' alright, doc?" he tested the waters, trying - and failing - to keep the venom out of his voice. 

"Everything's great." The man replied and put on a fake smile.

"You know," Marianne welcomed herself into this conversation as well, filling her glass up yet again. "I heard you two came here all the way from Boston."

Joel eyed the woman for a moment, unsure of what to do with the tension in the room. The others didn't seem to feel it, or maybe they were just good at disguising it. "Oh wow, Boston." Robin praised. "Long way from home, huh?"

"You could say that" Joel shook the glare off his face and planted himself on the couch, staying far away from Jesse's father, whose stare still lingered on the back of his head. 

These parents, he remembered, weren't used to exposing their kids to danger. They jumped from QZ to QZ and refused to have their kids so much as touch a firearm. He understood that, more than anything he did. Still, them judging him - judging his kid - for how they survived out there when they don't know half of the story? It wasn't fair to them. It wasn't fair to her.

He wondered what possessed Ellie to tell her friends about Colorado, given that she despised talking about it with him. What if she was afraid to talk to him about it?

"I know how hard it must've been for you to leave Boston," Marianne carried on, and by God, he wished she would just stop. "Especially after everything that you've been through."

His glare returned, this time dedicated to the woman in front of him. Everything that he's been through? What the hell does this woman, whom he's known for an hour max, know about what he's been through? 

"I could barely leave New Mexico after my Talia died-"

Joel felt his stomach twist with disgust. He immediately recognized the tone the woman had used when uttering the name, and it shook him to his core. He hoped - prayed - that Talia was the woman's sister, her aunt, anything other than what he feared she was. He couldn't handle thinking about her. Not now. Not when he was already on edge. 

But of course, because it was him, God refused yet another one of his prayers. 

The woman's next words were so disgusting, though she disguised them as words of comfort, that they barely stuck around long enough for him to process them. 

"So believe me, I know what it's like to lose a child."

Her words echoed and Joel feared he might throw up just from the shock. How did she know? How the fuck did she know about Sarah? Did Tommy-? No. No, he wouldn't. He wouldn't. 

Anger couldn't even begin to describe the emotion that brewed in his chest, screaming and tearing him in half like it so often had before. Still, he kept his composure. He gently set down the empty glass on the coffee table before him, cleared his throat, and apologized. "Excuse me for a moment."

The room was so quiet that it made the sound of his boots scratching against the floor even louder. He didn't look back, too scared to witness the undeniable pity that was most likely smeared across the people's faces. That's how Tommy always looked at him. 

He stumbled into a bathroom and shut the door, gripping the sink and refusing to meet his reflection in the mirror. He didn't think he would actually throw up, but goddammit he was close. Breathing was becoming more of a chore by the second as his lungs worked overtime just to keep him going. His hands suddenly formed into fists, nails digging into his hand hard enough to draw blood.

The screams were back, though they were still distant, Joel knew it was only a matter of time before they swallowed him whole. He felt Sarah's little hands, holding onto him for dear life, and felt the warmth of light pointing at them. A gun pointed at her.

He needed it to stop. All of it. He needed something to take his mind off it and he needed it now. Christ, he was so desperate he would've settled for anything; drugs, booze,... 

Ellie. 

He needed Ellie.

For twenty years, the only thing that would silence the screams was the thought of death. He could do it in an instant, he had the gun. After death, came alcohol, pills, and mindless sex, and now, somehow, his daughter had made the list. 

Joel loved Ellie to the point where it almost scared him. He loved her so much that it was starting to border on obsession. This was bad, he knew it was. But his arms still ached to hold something. Something real; something alive.

Ellie wasn't an object for his comfort. She was a growing teenage girl that he needed to look out for, not damage further. Still, the thought of losing her wouldn't leave his mind. Anything and anyone could take her from him at any given moment, so how was he supposed to let her out of his sight?

"Where did you even learn to stitch up a person?" Jesse asked once they were outside and out of their parents' hearing range. 

"Um, I don't know..." Ellie mumbled, checking over her shoulder to see if Joel was coming after her. The last thing she wanted was for him to worry about her right now. 

Everything sounded like it was underwater, still. Why the fuck did she have to bring up the Penicillin? Why did she bring up any of it? They were all in Jesse's room, bragging about the 'coolest thing they ever did' and the first thing that popped into Ellie's mind was saving Joel. She must've forgotten about all the parts that came with it...

She wasn't there, in Jesse's backyard. Not physically. 

"Don't be afraid. There's no fear in love."

She felt a hand on her shoulder and she immediately shoved it away, stumbling back and almost falling in the process. She didn't scream, there wasn't enough air to do that anymore.

"Ellie, hey" It was Dina. "Are you okay?"

She was panting now, unable to fully understand what her friend was saying. Jesse quickly moved toward the door "I'm gonna go get her dad-"

"No!" She reached up toward Jesse in an attempt to block him from reaching the door. "No- don't get Joel-please don't get him-!"
Jesse put up his hands in surrender and took a step back. "Okay- okay, jeez!"

Dina knelt next to her, carefully keeping her distance. "Ellie, what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong!" She yelled out, burying her face in her knees. Why was this happening? Why now? She didn't have a nightmare about that in weeks - it was always Marlene now - so there was no reason for this to be happening. "Just-" she breathed out "Just gimme a minute."

"Okay," Dina agreed and silently asked her boyfriend to sit down with them. He did just that, making sure that he wasn't touching Ellie in the process. They sat like that for a long time, while Ellie fought hard not to break out into sobs. "I still think we should go get Joel-" Jesse spoke up after a few extra silent moments.

"Don't!" She barked at her friend, finally raising her face from the curve of her knees. She bit her lower lip before standing up. "Where's your bathroom?" 

"Um, you can use mine if you want...privacy?" The boy looked at Dina, almost as if he wanted to ask if he was saying the right things. "It is really clean..." Dina confirmed in a calm tone, trying to cheer her up probably. 

"Thanks." Ellie quickly rushed into the house before the tears she was trying so hard to stop beat her to it. The house felt different now like the whole atmosphere has shifted. She didn't bother sticking around to find out what may have caused it. She ran past the adults, without making eye contact with any of them, and made her way into Jesse's room. 

Just the idea that someone could have a whole bathroom attached to their room was beyond comical, but Ellie didn't have time to laugh about it now as he rushed to the toilet. She leaned over it and began retching. Once again, nothing came out. 

After a few extra tries, she gave up and leaned on the cold wall behind her, allowing the tears to fall down her cheeks. 

Minutes passed and she finally raised off the floor and gripped the sink with her hands, making eye contact with the reflection in the mirror. 

Her hair was still all over the place from running around with Jesse and Dina previously. It felt so good to finally have friends again, even though she probably scared them off just now. 

"Stop crying, you fucking baby!" She yelled at herself and slapped the tears off her cheeks, forcing herself to take deep breaths. "It's okay, you're okay..." she tried lowering her voice to sound more like Joel. She knew she could've just gotten him but she didn't want to embarrass him around new people. He didn't deserve the humiliation of having a crybaby for a daughter.

Her knees gave out again and she sat on the floor, shoving her face into the collar of the flannel, breathing in the familiar smell of gunpowder and coffee so that it felt like Joel was hugging her. That was the only thing that seemed to have calmed her down these days. Joel.

Once her breathing evened out, she got up and rolled up her sleeves to splash some water on her face, - so that she didn't look like a complete mess - careful as to not get water on the bandages. Once she finally walked out of Jesse's room, she bumped into a figure in the hallway. At first, she figured it was just Joel coming in to check on her, but once she looked up, she saw that it was actually doctor Chang and embarrassment flooded her immediately.

"Oh, I'm so sorry I was just-" she looked back at the door of Jesse's room, "Jesse said I could use his bathroom-" 

"It's no problem at all." He smiled at her, his cheeks forming the same dimples that Jesse had. After a few moments, she saw his brows curl with concern. "Oh, honey are you alright?"

Ellie just looked at him for a second, confused, before she followed his gaze. Shit. In all that chaos, she had forgotten to roll down her sleeves, displaying her bandaged arm to a fucking doctor. Jesus, she really was fucking useless, huh?

She quickly pulled down her sleeve, though the damage was already done, as panic shook her to her core. "Oh, this- this is nothing I was just, uh..." Come on, you practiced this with Joel constantly "I was trying to make Joel some tea but I tripped and splashed hot water on myself." 

Eric's eyebrows shot up. "Well, that sounds like one hell of an injury." Does it? "You mind if I take a look?"

She immediately backed up, curling her arm protectively against her chest. That must've not been the right response because the man's face only twisted further with concern. She swallowed and tried to make up a good excuse, fast. "It's just that Joel already looked at it and he said that it was all good so..." 

"Did he?" 

"Mhm," she nodded. Where the fuck was Joel? He never let strangers - or anyone that wasn't him - talk, or even get close, to her for this long without him present. She used to be annoyed by that, but now she longed for it. She wanted his protection. 

"Honey," there it was again; that stupid nickname. Jesse's mother called her that as well and Ellie hated it. She liked Joel's pet names, they made her feel like she finally belonged to someone. She didn't mind Tommy's either since they were mostly mirroring Joel's. But this wasn't Joel or Tommy, this was just a man. A grown man. 
And Jesse's dad - she tried reminding herself - and Jesse is your friend so his family can't be dangerous. 

"You know that you can talk to us, right?" He finally finished his sentence. 

What?

"Um," Ellie looked toward the stairs, desperately wishing that Joel would walk up them and save her from this conversation. "Okay?" 

The man sighed and stepped a little closer, and now her heart felt like it was going to burst out of her chest. She didn't know what was happening. Why was Mr. Chang telling her this? Where was Joel?

"And if someone is bothering you," he added "-no matter who it is- you can tell us that too. Okay?"

What the fuck? Those were Joel's words - or maybe that's just how all dads sounded, though it seemed unlikely. 

Thankfully she didn't have to answer him because Jesse quickly came up the stairs. "Ugh, dad can you not bother my friends please?"

"We were just talking" his dad called back.

"Yeah, well stop it's fucking weird." His face changed from playful back to neutral once he saw her. "Hey, you doing better?" 

Ellie nodded. She liked Jesse a lot. He was almost two years older than her but it didn't matter. They had a lot in common; they both read Savage Starlight, which Dina found infuriating, and they both liked space...and Dina. Not that it mattered, she was with Jesse and Ellie respected that. She wasn't even sure if Dina liked girls or not. Best not to dwell on it. 
"Yeah, thanks for...y'know."

"Yeah, no problem. Oh, by the way, your dad kinda left?"

Ellie's eyes widened in horror. He just left her here alone? "Left?"

"I mean, I don't know if he left-left, he just kinda walked out, so..."

"Shit. Thanks." She quickly ran toward the stairs but Eric's words stopped her before she was out of sight. "Ellie, remember what we talked about okay?"

She still didn't get what that whole conversation was about, not really, but she also didn't care. She just wanted Joel, he could fix all of this. 

Joel desperately wanted to find Ellie and bring them both home immediately, but they'd barely been here for two hours and that wasn't fair to her. She had been so excited to finally see her friends after days of being locked up by his command. 

That being said, he also had no idea what to do with himself or the thoughts in his head. Sarah's cries hadn't died down and it was clear that if he didn't exit this house soon it was only going to get worse. 

He snuck out as quietly as he could. It's not like he was leaving, but he couldn't physically bring himself to stay in that house for a second longer. Not with other people there. People who have experienced grief as he had. He couldn't stomach it. 

The cool evening air welcomed him into its embrace, crickets singing him a lullaby that he didn't want to hear. How dare the night look so beautiful while his baby was rotting in the ground?

Flashing images burned holes into his brain; flashes of Sarah playing soccer, watching TV or laying completely still in his arms. A nearby street light quickly became his support as he leaned against it to stop his knees from giving out. 

The flashing images quickly turned into sounds of her laughter. Laughter turned into tears, and tears turned into screams. Her screams. 
There was no stopping any of it, meaning that all the progress he had made since he came to Jackson was worthless. No matter how much he convinced himself that he had healed - that he didn't think about her dying every second of every day - he knew it was a lie.

A man like him is not allowed healing. He was ruined. If Sarah could see him now, she'd be terrified of the man he had become, and he knew it.

And still, she called out for him. Even in his memories, he was failing her, unable to move a muscle and come to her aid. But her calls only got louder, to the point where he thought that she was close enough to touch.

"Dad? Daddy?"

He followed the noise and spun around, his heart trembling once he came face to face with a wide-eyed little girl looking up at him with fear. "Joel? Are you okay- what's wrong?" 

Ellie. His sweet girl. 

He breathed a sigh of relief as his brain tried to cope with the fact that her hair wasn't blonde, or that she wasn't screaming out to him in pain. She was here and she was safe. Alive.

"Holy shit, you're not dying are you?" She begged, trying to draw an answer out of him and he couldn't help but smile at the sight of her. "Do I look like I'm dying?" He tried his very best to keep his voice from shaking. He had to hold it together. He still had this daughter to take care of. 

Ellie tilted her head to the side a bit, studying his features like he often studied hers; memorizing every detail of her face as if she would get torn away from him in an instant. After a while, she gave up and wrapped her arms around his torso. "Can we go home now?" she mumbled into his chest and a wave of relief rushed through his whole body.

"What about your friends?"

She pulled away enough to see him. "Please can we just go?"
There was a weariness that plagued her voice and his heart broke once again. How on earth was he supposed to help her while he was just as broken as her? 

"Okay," he agreed and pressed her closer to him. "We'll go home."

Chapter Text

Joel quickly made up an excuse as to why they had to leave in such a hurry, giving her a chance to say bye to Jesse and Dina - who had hugged her for a few seconds too long like she was still worried about her - and Ellie tried her best to suppress the urge to melt into the floor from embarrassment. 

Joel kept an arm around her shoulder as they walked back home, only this time, the gesture didn't feel sweet so much as it did possessive. Like he was scared. She didn't know what happened during the time that they were apart, all she knew was that she found him hunched over with his fists clenched. It didn't take a genius to figure out that he wasn't fine. 

But this was Joel, and Ellie knew him well enough to know that he wasn't planning on talking about it. He didn't owe her an explanation, though he probably should've by now. He wasn't going to open up unless it was for her benefit, and even then it was up for debate. He knew how to talk her down when she was upset; using all the right pet names and putting his feelings on display for her. He wasn't ever going to do that for himself. 

He didn't talk about things, though it looked like he was trying to. He had brought Sarah up quite a few times now, but again, it was because she was upset. Maybe he hasn't changed all that much since Boston after all. 

She looked up at him and noticed a certain spark in his eye. Tears? No. No, Joel never cried. Not tears of sadness at least. He always resorted to anger when the pain got to be too much, tears were, once again, reserved for her. He cried on that highway with her, and once they agreed that he was her dad, that was about it. It was kinda shocking that he didn't cry after she burned off her bite mark. 

They finally reached the house and that was when Joel finally spoke up, for the first time since the party. "Why don't you go an' pick a movie for us?" His voice was still a little shaky, despite his attempt to hide it. "I gotta go talk to Tommy about somethin'." 

"Uh, yeah okay." Something was very wrong, but Ellie wasn't about to say no to a movie night. Maybe it could help calm them down a bit. "Is Tommy in trouble?" She smirked but Joel's face stayed the same. 

"I'll be back real soon okay?" He asked, clearly avoiding her previous question. "I swear.

Ellie wanted him to stay and talk to her. She needed to get some things off her chest and she feared that if she waited, she'd just chicken out. But she couldn't very well tell him that.
"Okay..." she finally agreed and climbed the steps to the front door. When she turned to close it, he was already walking away from her. 

Tommy's house wasn't far, which meant that the brothers saw each other a lot. He and Maria often invited Joel and Ellie over for dinner, which she loved and he tolerated. It was good to have his brother back, but now, as Joel was approaching his house, the only thing he could think about was how he was going to restrain from beating some fucking sense into that man. 

Joel went back and forth about whether or not Tommy was the one to tell people about Sarah. He'd been in Jackson a hell of a lot longer than he and Ellie were, so it would make sense for him to at least mention it. Joel didn’t mind that Maria knew. As much as she seemed to dislike him, she was still family, and he was going to respect that. 

At this point, his brother was used to him showing up at his door unannounced so this visit isn't much of a surprise. Hell, he looked happy to see him. "Hey."

"You got a minute?" He jumped right to the chase, trying to keep his already fragile emotions at bay.

"Sure," the younger Miller let him in. Immediately the atmosphere shifted as the brothers stood in the middle of the living room, tension building up. "Where's Ellie?" Tommy asked. That was always his way of making peace, apparently. 

"She's at home. Doctor Chang invited us over tonight." He explained, anger slowly simmering in his gut. 

"That's good. Eric and Robin are good people." His words came quickly and shallowly like he was trying to rush out the real reason why his brother was here.

"Sure. Except, one of the mothers there started talking 'bout all sorts of things- Sarah bein' one of 'em."

Tommy's face dropped, he still hadn't gotten used to Joel saying her name. But this was so on brand for him, to use his dead niece against him. "What?"

"What exactly have you been tellin' these folks, huh? Because from where I'm standin'—" 

"Stop." Tommy quickly raised a hand to silence him. "First of all, I haven't said nothin' to nobody so just take a step back" he cautioned "Start from the beginning. Who brought it up?-And are you sure that you heard 'em right? 'Cause, you ain't exactly the best at readin' people."

Joel scoffed. "It was Dina's mother- and I know what I heard." As soon as Tommy registered who he was talking about, his posture softened and he ran his palms over his face. "Marianne...yeah that checks out. Woman don't exactly got a filter."

"I'll say. She started sayin' things out of the fucking blue. I mean- how did she even know?"

Now Tommy was getting stressed too. They both were. "Well, it wasn't me. I don' know if you noticed, but I ain't exactly too keen on rehashing that either."

"What about that wife of yours, then?" Before Joel even finished his sentence Tommy was already laughing. "Right, cos Maria's so fuckin' interested in gossip. Y'know what, why don't you get on down to the town hall and tell her that to her face? I'm sure she'd love that—"

"Tommy I'm being serious."

"So am I. Look, I don't know what Marianne told you but just...don't read too much into it, yeah? All things considered, she's a decent woman. I'm sure she didn't mean no harm."

"Didn't mean no harm," Joel mocked under his breath. "I got a kid to watch out for, I can't be spiraling out of the fuckin' blue like that!" He sat down on the couch, overworked and exhausted from having the same fight over and over again. Tommy watched him for a moment or two before sitting down in front of him. 

"You still get those? -The panic attacks?" He asked, his voice softer now, and Joel sighed. "They just come outta nowhere. I mean, Ellie had to find me fighting to stay upright on the goddamn street, Tommy. She shouldn't have to see me like that."

His brother's face shifted like he just grasped something important. "Wait, Ellie hangs out with Dina, don't she?"

"Yeah, they're pretty close. Why?"

Tommy looked at him, his eyes silently begging for him to catch onto what he was thinking. After a moment of confusion, it finally clicked. 

"No." Joel breathed out. "No, she wouldn't." 

"I ain't sayin' that she told 'em," his brother explained, his voice a little agitated to say the least. "But it does seem like something she'd do..."

Ellie wouldn't do something like that, Joel was sure of it. She wouldn't just share something so personal about him. Would she? 
"No, it doesn't- I mean, you've only known her for, what, a week? You have no right to suggest that—"

"Joel." Tommy quickly stopped him. He knew that Joel would do anything for that girl, even now, he was still defending her. "Just...go home. Talk to her about it. Talk - not yell, 'cause I know how you get-" 

"It wasn't her," Joel stressed once more, so determined - so goddamn stubborn - and certain that his girl wouldn't betray him. Though he knew, deep down, that it was true. Of course, Ellie would tell Dina about Sarah. That girl's the biggest people pleaser he had ever met. Always so damn desperate to be loved. 
He sighed, his heart hurting a little. "Why would she—?" He knew the answer to that question as well. 

He remembered the moment she returned from the tour, and how eager she was to talk to him; how anxious she was to have that conversation. She told him that she had already presented herself as his daughter to Dina before they even talked about it, so Joel wouldn't put it past her to share a thing or two about him. But Sarah? Really?

"I gotta talk to her," he stood up and moved in the direction of the door. 
"Wait." Tommy stopped him before he could leave. "Be gentle with her, yeah? Your approval means everything to her and you blowing up on her won't solve anything."

The fact that his brother would even imply that he would 'blow up at her' was beyond comical. Still, Tommy was his brother, and Joel came into his house expecting a fight simply because he thought that he mentioned Sarah. 

That alone forced Joel to take a step back and think about what he was going to say to Ellie. Tommy was right, his approval did mean everything to her. Even back on the road, she was constantly trying to prove herself to him; prove that she wasn't a kid. It was after winter that little miss tough turned soft and cuddly. An act that she had carried on with ever since they ran away from the Fireflies. 

Maybe an act wasn't the right way to describe it. It was more like her true side coming out. Despite it so obviously being a trauma response, Joel liked the fact that she was finally acting like a kid. Maybe even younger. That wasn't fair of him and if they were in the old world he wouldn't be encouraging it as much as he was currently. 

But Ellie wasn't born to him. He didn't get to see her first steps or hear her first words. Christ, he had never even seen her as a small girl. Or, smaller than she already was, at least. She wasn't raised by him, she was raised by FEDRA. She was raised by soldiers who shouldn't have been anywhere near children, to begin with.  

"Alright," Joel agreed. "And I didn't mean to...y'know."

"I know." Tommy put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. Seeing as they were both shit at talking things out, this was the best they were gonna get out of an actual apology. 

On second thought, maybe Joel shouldn't talk to Ellie tonight. 

*

Once he made his way back home, Ellie was laying on the couch so still that he thought she might've fallen asleep. He quietly shut the door behind him and her head shot up at the sound, wide awake. "Did you kill Tommy or what?" she joked and Joel's stomach twisted with guilt. 

"Hello to you too." he walked up to the couch and sat down at the space she had already made for him. Then he just looked at her for a moment, trying to figure out how he was going to bring this up with her. Luckily, she beat him to it. 

"Can we watch that movie about the dinosaurs again?" 

He raised his eyebrows, a little stunned by the request. "How many times have you seen that one, now?" 

"It's dinosaurs, Joel," she pointed out "They're fucking awesome!" 

"Fair enough," he agreed before his features fell again. "But I gotta talk to you about something first."

Ellie quickly looked up at him with wide eyes anxiously scanning his face. "Is this about me telling Jesse and Dina about your stitches?"

The second Joel realized what she was talking about his heart dropped. Jesus Christ, he was such a fucking asshole. He had been so caught up in his own feelings that he completely forgot about the fact that Ellie had shared the story - or at least parts of it - of Colorado with her friends. 

As bad as it was to say, he had been referring to the events of winter as 'a story' to calm himself. Because stories weren't real, they were mostly fiction. Therefore, he could at least pretend, even if it was just for a second, that it wasn't real and that Ellie was safe by his side the whole time. That was one of the most selfish things he could've done, and he wasn't planning on sharing it with her, but he needed it from time to time. He needed confirmation of the fact that he could still keep her safe, even if he failed her that one time.

"Do you wanna talk about that?" he asked slowly and cautiously. 

Ellie sighed and threw her head back so that she was now staring at the ceiling. "It doesn't matter," she murmured, her gaze still locked high above her. 

God, what he'd give to read her mind, especially in moments like these. "Ellie, if you wanna talk about these things-"

"What did you wanna talk to me about?" She cut him off almost immediately and looked at him. Her tone was still and lifeless and it was more than enough to make him feel like the biggest asshole on the planet. 

"Nothin'." He couldn't imagine talking to her now that he had fucked up already. 

Ellie's brows came together in confusion as she shifted herself onto her knees. "That's it?" Joel quickly mirrored her expression, given that he was just as confused as she was.
"If you wanna talk about somethin' we can-"

He was almost immediately cut off by her loud groan as she leaned further into the couch. After another moment of uncomfortable silence, she sighed and got up. "This is so fucking stupid" She quickly walked toward the stairs and avoided his attempt to grab and stop her. 

"Where are you going?"

She didn't respond, not even once he got up to follow her. "Ellie, hey, I'm talkin' to you."

"Oh, that's a fucking first." She called out before shutting her bedroom door with wall-shaking force. Joel stood at the bottom of the stairs, too stunned to move. What the fuck was that?

He understood mood swings and was pretty good at talking those through. But this - whatever it was - was just plain confusing. 

Ellie threw herself on the bed with a cement block in her chest. How could he be so fucking...selfish? That didn't seem like the right word but it had to work for now. She wanted him to talk to her. Like, actually fucking talk to her, not just listen and nod along while she cried about her nightmares. What if he was just a lost cause?

Heavy footsteps quickly followed her and Joel welcomed himself into her room, his arms torn from his sides as he looked down at her. "The hell was that?" 

"For fuck's sake- Get out!" she sat up and glared at him.

"What's gotten into you?" He sounded more worried than mad, though his eyebrows still glued themselves together like he was pissed. "Did I do somethin' to upset you—?"

She scoffed once more and looked away. "Not everything is about you!" 

"Alright, what's it about then? Please, enlighten me. 'Cause, you shuttin' doors and yelling around the house ain't exactly sending that message."

Ellie didn't bother dignifying him with a response as she stood up and made a run for the door. Joel quickly stepped in front of her, preventing her escape. "Nuh-uh, we ain't done here." 

"Fucking move!" She pushed at his chest to get him to move but he wouldn't budge. He grabbed both of her wrists with his hands to keep her still but she twisted and fought to get out of his grasp. "Let me go!" 

With all her squirming it felt like he was about to break her wrists so he let go to avoid doing just that. "Christ, Ellie would you just stop-" Now he sounded mad. Like, Boston-Joel level mad.

"Why won't you talk to me?" She screamed, choking back a pool of tears. Jesus, how long has that been building up? They both seemed to have been startled by her words, especially Joel. Ellie slowly backed up and sat at the edge of her bed, overworked and exhausted. 

Truth was that she had imagined this fight nearly every day for a week straight. She knew that Joel wasn't going to talk to her unless she forced him to. Still, this felt a bit over the top, even for her. But the damage was already done and now there was no stopping the flood of emotions and words that escaped her.

"It's not fair," she wailed "back on the road, you wouldn't let me talk about anything. Not about Tess- or Sam- or Henry- nothing! And now, you're trying so hard to get me to talk to you when I don't know how to fucking do that!"

She didn't give Joel a chance to interrupt her and carried on. "And I heard what you said to Tommy- that you think I'm ruined- or that I'm not the same as I was. Don't you think I know that? I don't like being like this!" She placed a hand on her chest and sucked in quick rapid breaths. "I'm so sick of being scared- I never used to get scared. Not like this. And-" she let out a hysteric laugh through her sobs "-What the fuck are we doing?"

Joel stood in the same spot where she had left him, frozen. Maybe he was just waiting for her to carry on.

"I don't know how to talk about things! And now you expect me to tell you everything- You don't fucking tell me anything, Joel! I'm sick of it-! And you're just so different and I don't know what to do with that!" Her voice was strained and she didn't know how many tears she still had left in her before her whole body reached its limit. "I don't know what to do with any of this!" 

With that, the rest of her words flew out and she collapsed into her pillow, trying to silence her helpless cries.

Maybe it was the stress of the last few months that forced the words out of her, but now that it was all out in the open she finally felt empty enough to breathe easier. Those few minutes of screaming did what the past week of retching and spewing saliva into toilets couldn't and, despite how mean and dirty those words felt on her tongue, Ellie finally felt somewhat clean again. 

Her eyes were screwed shut, she couldn't bare to see Joel's face after all of that. There's no way he would want her now. 

Minutes passed and the room was still quiet to the point where Ellie was sure that Joel had left her. Abandoned her just like everyone always did. Maybe Tommy was right. Maybe Joel's love really was too much for her to handle. 

The mattress suddenly bent as Joel sat down next to her and gently tucked a strand of hair behind her ear like he always did. Only this time, she could've sworn that his hand was shaking. 

"Oh, Ellie..." he whispered, his voice strained and shaky. 

"Just go," she whined "I know you want to leave me so leave me!"

Before Ellie could grasp what was happening, one of Joel's arms tucked underneath her shoulders and pulled her close to him. That's when she finally opened her eyes. How could he not hate her? How could he still not despise her?

"Oh baby girl, I could never leave you." He shook a little as he held her. Was he crying? "And I'm so sorry. I never meant to make you feel like this, never."

He pulled back and held her face in his hands and she let him. She looked at him, really looked at him, and noticed the same pool of tears that ran down her cheeks decorate his as well. Despite being held in a way that no human had ever dared to hold her before, Ellie was ready for him to yell at her and tell her that he couldn't take being in the same room with her for a second longer. 

"You're right," he continued "About all of it. I had no right to demand so much of you. I just wanted to do right by you, baby, I swear." His thumbs brushed the tears from her cheeks in the same nurturing way he had so often done before. Ellie's seen him kill people with those same hands that were now so gentle with her that she feared she might've been imagining it. 

"And I love you, so so much, Ellie." 

Ellie's bottom lip quivered as more tears made their way down her face. There was no way that he was still serious about loving her. After all the nightmares and daily panic attacks he surely must've had enough. "Why?"

"Because you're my daughter. You can scream anything you want at me and that would still be the truth." Joel swallowed before continuing. "-That bein' said if you don't want this - if you don't want us to present ourselves as a family - we don't have to. I just want what's best for you."

"What if I stay like this forever, huh?" Ellie tore his hands from her face. "What if I have stupid fucking nightmares for the rest of my life? You're gonna get sick of me." 

"Ellie look at me." he gently commanded, "You think I never get nightmares? That the memories don't sometimes make it hard for me to breathe?"

"You do?"

"All the time. And do you hate me for it?"

She was so exhausted that she could only shake her head but it was enough. "There you go. So why the hell would I hate you for it?" 

"Well, what if I'm never the way I was?" she challenged, desperate for him to see that she was a lost cause. "What if I'm never me again?"

"You are you, Ellie. You're just as strong as you were when I met you. Hell, I'd say you're even stronger."

"But I yelled at you-"

"Ellie." Joel stopped her. "There is nothing, nothing in this whole wide world that could ever make me wish you gone. Nothing."

She took a deep breath and wiped the rest of the tears from her eyes. "Will you start talking to me, then?"

He smiled at her and nodded. "What do you wanna know?"

Joel spent the rest of the day with guilt wrapped around his heart. How could he be so selfish? If he had actually talked to Ellie about Sarah like he had planned to, he would've only added onto the seemingly never-ending list of concerns that his daughter carried around. He was going to do right by her, even if it meant putting his own feelings on display for both of them, he was going to do it.

He was going to do just about anything for that kid. Because she was his, and he was hers. They were in this together, no matter the baggage. 

Chapter Text

History has always had a funny way of repeating itself. Jackson was safe; secure. That's how it presented itself. Though, the world was full of evil, rotten souls that always found their way into secure places. Jackson was no exception, having more than enough cases to suggest the opposite of safety. The awful people were quickly banished from the town, if not executed first, but never quickly enough. Nobody ever noticed until it was too late. That's why people started keeping an eye out and turning to paranoia when times got tough. Or, Eric did, at least. 

"I just think you're blowing this way out of proportion." His wife dismissed and carried on with setting the table.
It was a few hours after the party had ended and all the guests left. Robin had been paying little to no attention to his concerns about Jackson's newest arrivals, which Eric found a little insulting if he was being honest with himself.

"No, Robin I am telling you there is something fishy going on there." He stressed and placed the pot of rabbit stew on the table, which his son quickly helped himself to. "Jesse, could you at least wait until we've said grace?" His mother scolded the boy and he set the spoon down. "Right, sorry." 

Jesse was a good kid, always had been. He had stopped going to Church with them, which took some adjusting, to say the least. But, at the end of the day, it was also a big relief; for their son to be able to grow up in a town where he got to choose his own path in life. Had they stayed in the Georgia QZ only a little while longer, the boy would've been forced to join FEDRA, if the Fireflies didn't get to him sooner. 

The family sat down at the table and bowed their heads like they always did before supper. Afterward, they all filled their plates and quickly dug in. 

"So, Eugene said that I could tag along with them on a group patrol next week," Jesse informed them. "Could be fun." 

"Patrol isn't some kind of joke, Jesse." Robin quickly corrected him, "Besides, I think you're still too young for it." 

"Well, he's almost sixteen," Eric backed up his son, which he appreciated. "I think it'll be good for you to get out there. And Eugene is pretty much the best in the game."

"And he's cool," Jesse added to try and calm his mother, probably. "Y'know for a dinosaur." 

Robin quickly shot him a warning glare that he laughed at. "Plus, Ellie said that she's gonna try and convince Tommy to let me take Nepal with me." 

Nepal was probably the strongest horse that Jackson had to offer. Every kid in town wanted to ride him so it made sense why his son would be so excited about the idea. 

Despite desperately trying to hide it, Eric couldn't help but make a face at the mention of Ellie. He had been keeping that little girl in his prayers all damn night, especially after seeing the bandages on her arm. He had been hoping that he was wrong about her 'situation', but after making a few connections as to what those bandages could be for...
Jesus, just the thought of it made his stomach twist. 

His wife didn't seem to share those concerns; her whole face lighting up as soon as Jesse brought up his new friend. "Oh, she is so adorable. And so well behaved" she praised "And her dad, too. Such a sweetheart."

That was nowhere close to what he had to say about that man. From what he gathered, Joel Miller was an actor; always putting on a show. Eric's disapproval of his wife's comment must've been obvious because she turned to him with a weird look in her eyes, pushing him to explain himself. Of course, he couldn't say no to those dark eyes of hers so he carried on:

"I mean, are we even sure that's what he is?"
Robin scoffed and leaned in her chair. "Jesus, not this again." 
Jesse's eyes traveled from his mother and back to him, eyebrows furrowed. "What do you mean?"

"I just- she doesn't even call him dad. You noticed that?" The question was aimed at both his wife and son, but only Jesse seemed to have been paying attention. 

"Lots of kids do that though," he pointed out, "Remember Thomas? He called his mom by her name for weeks cos they were fighting or something."

Thomas was a kid that moved out of Jackson a year or so ago. His mother claimed it wasn't 'up to her standards' which was utter bullshit. Truth was that she would rather have her son get torn apart by infected than have to sit there and be okay with the fact that John and Marcus from a few streets down were more than just 'roommates'. 

"This is different," Eric pushed "Did you see the way she pushed away from him? That's not normal." 

"Why do you care so much?" Robin suddenly joined the conversation. "The way I see it, it's not any of our business." 

"Well, somebody has to give a shit. We've had too many cases already, we don't need another." 

Something about his words seemed to affect Jesse. His shoulders stiffened and he turned his gaze to the half-empty bowl of stew before him.
"You don't think he's...doing what Haley's dad was doing to her, do you?" 

That question sent chills down everyone's spine. Haley was one of those 'cases' where they were far too late to save anyone involved. Her father was a monster, and did things no father should even think about, blaming all of it on the fact that he was drowning himself in liquor every day. Thankfully, God took him away slowly and painfully, though he deserved worse. But the effects of his actions were too much for that little girl to bear. She died shortly after. 

"No, no I don't think so..." He fucking prayed to any higher power that he was right.

"Jesus Christ," Robin exclaimed. "Can we not talk about this during dinner?" 

"Ellie's my friend." Jesse protested his mother's attempts in tabling this conversation, which he so deeply appreciated. "If anything is going on with her I should know about it."

Robin scoffed and stood from the table, grabbing her plate and moving it to the sink. "I can't believe you two. Making up stories to, what, play heroes?"

"Hang on, that is not at all what is happening-"

"How do you know that, Eric? What proof do you have that Joel is abusing that little girl?" She suddenly snapped but he didn't cower. 

"Because a few days ago, that man came into the clinic asking about chemical burns, and tonight, Ellie's arm was bandaged."

"What?" Jesse's eyes widened in horror. 

"She said that she spilled hot water on herself-" Eric tried explaining but his wife cut him off. "See? That's very possible."

"It's believable, that's what it is." He continued, "You should've seen the fear in that girl's eyes when I offered to take a look at it. That's not...No kid should ever look that scared about something like that." 

Everyone went quiet and Eric took that as a win. They finally understood why he was so worried. Jesse helped him clean the table in silence.
"Do you think I should talk to Ellie?" he asked after a moment. 

Situations like these were so very delicate. If they were going to help his friend, they had to be smart about it. "Not yet. Maybe just invite her over for dinner tomorrow. We gotta keep her out of the house just in case." 

Jesse agreed before retreating to his room. That gave Eric a moment to talk with his wife. He found her in their backyard, looking up at the starry sky. She offered him a small smile before sighing. "I really wanted this to work out."

"We'll make it work," he assured. "This town can still be safe-"

"That's the problem. If this is the safest life we can offer our son, a town where fathers-" her breath got caught in her throat for a moment "-destroy their little girls, then how long can we keep him safe?"

He quickly wrapped an arm around his wife and allowed her to shed some tears on his shoulder. "I know you're trying to keep everyone safe. I see how hard you're trying." She turned and pressed a kiss to his lips. "But maybe it's time for you to accept that you can't save everyone." 

Those words stung deeper than they ought to because Robin was right. If a town like Jackson was also cursed, how were they supposed to watch their son make a life for himself here? 

This had to work. The town had to be safe enough. It had to be.

Chapter Text

"How did you even learn to do this?" Ellie asked as Joel unwrapped the bandages on her arm for the last time. He eyed her through his eyebrows and scoffed. "We've been doing this for a week and you're askin' me this now?"

She thought about it for a moment before rephrasing her question. "Did you know how to do this before the Outbreak or is this, like, 'cause of Infected?"

"Well, we all kinda had to know the basics of first aid, even before, I guess." He looked back up at her and noticed her face drop a little, realizing that she wanted more information than that. He sighed after a moment and carried on. "Sarah twisted her ankle once. She had to wear bandages for a few weeks, though hers were a lot thicker than yours."

Ellie's heart quickly grew about two sizes at that little fact. Since last night's fight, her dad's been trying his best to talk about things, just like she asked him to. Even if she didn't say it out loud, the fact that he listened to her made her feel like the relationship they had developed actually meant something and wasn't just for show. It made everything feel a lot more stable. She needed that, oh God, she did.

"And...all done," Joel announced as he unwrapped the bandages fully. She quickly drew her arm close and marvelled at the healed skin.
The texture of it was pretty similar to the one on the bite mark, only this time, it had fully covered the teeth marks that proved her a threat to everyone around her. The pus had disappeared and with it went the redness that caused her arm to itch like a motherfucker.
"Whoah, check it out!" Ellie extended her arm to Joel, proudly displaying her newfound freedom. "It's gone!"

"That it is," he agreed and offered her a small smile. "Now, just 'cause you don't have the bandages anymore, don't mean you can just show this to anyone whenever you feel like it. Okay?"

"Yes, Joel, I know." 

"Alright, I'm just checking." He reached behind him and grabbed the tub of Vaseline off her bed, handing it to her. "And I'm gonna need you to keep rubbin' some of this on your arm for a few more days, jus' in case. If you need my help you can jus' ask-" 

As annoying as his coddling was at times, Ellie found herself longing for it daily. Nobody had ever cared for her so much and she wanted to savor every second of it, despite how embarrassing it could be at times. "Yeah- yeah- I know." She grabbed the cream and put it on the nightstand beside her bed "I'm not a fucking baby," she sighed and leaned on her bed frame. 

Her dad tilted his head to the side and looked at her as if he didn't fully agree with her statement, though he didn't push it. "Alrighty, miss. What do you wanna do today?" 

"You're not going to work?" 

"Nah, I'm not scheduled Thursdays. Besides, Tommy's showin' some new folks around today, so he wouldn't be able to watch you." 

Ellie rolled her eyes yet again. "Seriously? I don't need a fucking babysitter, Joel. I'm more than capable-" she was cut off by Joel's palm that gently landed on her shoulder, silencing her. "Nobody's saying you aren't capable, Ellie. I just don't want you burnin' down the place just yet." He smiled and ruffled her hair, making her cringe. 

She knew that it was only joking to hide the fact that he still didn't trust her to be alone. He was still so goddamn paranoid about the fact that she might 'hurt herself' again and it drove her nuts. 

"Well, Jesse invited me over so I was thinking of going anyway," she added and watched Joel raise his eyebrows. "Just Jesse?" he asked cautiously, "What about Dina?"

"I dunno," Ellie shrugged then went quiet for a moment. "Actually, I don't think I wanna go." 

Joel's brows furrowed and she could almost see the gears turning in his head. "What do you mean you don't wanna go? Thought you liked hanging out with Jesse." 

"I do, it's just-" she paused and thought about the best way to explain this to Joel without him freaking out. "His dad said something weird to me..." 

Her attempt in making her dad less worried failed miserably as his face twisted with rage and his posture stiffened. "What?" He grabbed her by the shoulders and looked directly into her eyes. "What did he say to you?" 

Jesus. She knew he'd be worried but she didn't think it'd be that big of a deal. "Jeez, relax. It's nothing gross, or anything. It was just kinda weird." 
Despite her playful tone, Joel refused to loosen his grip, nails digging into her shoulders to the point where it almost hurt. "Weird how?" 

"I don't know. I just- didn't get it, I guess." 

"Ellie-" Joel shook her lightly, demanding an answer.
"He just said that I can always talk to him, -or, the whole family, I guess- if someone was bothering me." 

That's when Joel loosened his death grip, his muscles relaxing a bit. That only lasted about a second before panic rose in him again. "Is someone bothering you?"

"No- that's the point. Nobody's bothering me so I don't get why he would say that." 

Joel looked away for a moment, thinking hard about something. After a moment, his eyes went wide and he looked at her again. "Did he see your bandages?" 

A lump quickly formed in Ellie's throat, making it hard to swallow. She had never lied to Joel before. Well, except for telling him that she was alone when she got bit, but that wasn't a bad enough lie. This was. 

"No." She stressed and shook her head, praying that it would be enough. 

Her dad's posture fully relaxed after that, letting her know that her lie was a success. Hopefully.

They ended up deciding to go to the stables together. Ellie told him that there was a pregnant horse that was due any day and she wanted to see the baby. Truth be told, Joel didn't give a rat's ass about some random foal, but if it made her happy, it may as well have been the best thing on this planet.

It was a relief, to have her bandages removed for good. Plus, the bite mark was practically gone now, meaning there was one less thing in this world that could take his daughter away from him. Still, if some trigger-happy asshole saw the layered skin and mistook it for a bite mark...

This world was never going to be safe for her, not fully, and Joel just had to make peace with that. 

Yeah right, like that'd ever  happen. 

"When are you gonna start patrol?" Ellie asked him about halfway there. The question surprised him because he hadn't even begun thinking about returning outside anytime soon. "When they need me to, I guess." 

"Does that mean you're gonna get your own horse?" Of course, she was gonna ask him that. Girl loved horses, it was plain to see. It was absolutely heartbreaking to see her grieve Callus after everything that had happened. She didn't deserve the extra guilt on her shoulders. 

"If Tommy's generous enough, sure." 

"When you do, can I name it?" It was childish questions like those that reassured him that Jackson was a good place for her to heal. The more she asked, the better. 

Joel eyed her suspiciously. "If I say yes, am I gon' regret it?" 

Ellie grinned, "Probably, yeah." 

They both laughed as Joel gently smacked the back of her head playfully. "You're one of a kind, kid."

As they got closer to the stables, Joel realized that she had gone quiet, stopping all of a sudden. He took a few more steps in case she just wanted to check something out, curious as she was, but quickly realized that she wasn't following him anymore. He turned around and saw his girl standing a few feet away from him, her gaze focused somewhere away from him. 

"Ellie?" he slowly approached her, but she didn't respond, just kept staring at something. He followed her gaze and noticed his brother close by, explaining something to the group of new people that had just come in today. It always warmed his heart just how good Tommy was with Ellie. He was always so damn good. 

It took a while for Joel to realize that she wasn't looking at Tommy, but instead at the group of people surrounding him. When he got a closer look, he spotted a man whose face seemed vaguely familiar, but Joel couldn't quite figure out why. It was a middle-aged man with short dirty blonde hair. Next to him was a young girl, leaning on his shoulder. 

A girl, with a small braid on her head... 

It was then, that memories of the day he had hoped to forget, the day he almost lost another daughter, came rushing back.

Oh shit. 

He watched as the man looked around for a bit, his eyes widening when he seemed to have spotted him in the distance. Now, Joel was a hundred percent sure why the man looked so goddamn familiar. St. -mother fucking- Mary's. 

Fear gripped his heart once he realized the rest of the group were probably Fireflies as well. What if they're here for her? He thought. 

The doctor's daughter seemed to have noticed her father's worried expression because she turned and looked in their direction soon after, horror gripping her face as well. Horror, however, quickly turned into anger, and Joel could've sworn that he saw the man place a hand on her shoulder to stop her from...what exactly? 

"Joel-" Ellie suddenly spoke up, her voice low and...scared? Christ. "Joel, is that-?"

Without hesitation, his hand glued itself around Ellie's wrist with a death grip and he began marching them back to their house as quickly as he could. He couldn't handle those assholes that wanted to cut out his kid's brain looking at her, thirsting to have her again. Not now, not ever again. 

Not while he was there. 

The second they walked through the door, the ringing in his ears stopped and he could see Ellie panting and struggling to keep herself upright.

"Oh fuck- oh fucking shit, Joel-" she gasped and he quickly braced her by the shoulders. "Hey- hey- Ellie, look at me," he urged her eyes to meet his. "Ellie, baby, I need you to breathe for me, okay?"

"What the fuck are they doing here, Joel? Are they-" she could barely breathe, let alone speak so Joel quickly sat her down on the floor, guiding her breathing as he did on that highway. "Breathe, honey. In and out, just like me."

Ellie followed his instructions, her breathing getting steadier by the second. "Are they here for me?" She asked once her breathing returned to normal.

"Ellie, I am not letting any of those people near you, do you understand me?" he cupped her face, his forehead leaning on hers for a moment. "I'm gonna talk to Tommy and we'll figure all of this out. Nobody's gonna lay a finger in you while I'm here. I swear to you."

She wrapped her arms around his torso and breathed heavily. "Why are they here now?" she asked and his heart sank. 

Because things were finally perfect, and God wouldn't let that be the case for him. That's why. But he couldn't very well tell her that. 

"We're gonna be okay." He whispered, more to himself than Ellie, and pulled her closer. "We're gonna be okay."

Chapter Text

Ellie was panicking; really panicking. She had been trying so fucking hard not to think about St. Mary's and the Fireflies and now, here they were; in Jackson, where Joel promised her that they would be safe. He also promised that nobody was going to lay a finger on her. That, the fact that he was here with her, made the situation bearable, at best. 

Still, she could barely keep her mind from racing. What if they came here to take her? How did they find them so quickly? What if they came to kill her dad for all the Fireflies he killed?

Her mind was a fucking wasteland of what if's and regrets. She should've just let them make the cure back at the hospital so she wouldn't have to experience this fear anymore. Because she didn't want to die, not really. Sometimes, at night, when everything got to be too much she would beat herself up for being so selfish and running away from them when she could have been the one to save the world. 

But then she thought of the friends she had made in Jackson, and how happy she finally was here. She thought of Joel and how much he loved her; like she was the most important thing this world had to offer. He was way stronger than she was in so many ways, but Ellie wasn't stupid. She knew that if the Fireflies had made the cure, - if they cut out her brain -  it would have killed him. He made that very clear so many times. 

No matter how strong he was though, he still appeared to be doing just as well as her; pacing up and down their living room and biting down on his thumb. Joel was a scary person, there was no denying that, so if he was scared or nervous about something, you know damn well shit was about to go down. 

"Maybe they're not here for me," Ellie tried to calm him. She needed Joel to be calm and content if she was about to lose her shit. "Maybe they just need a place to stay, like we did." 

Joel stopped and looked at her with sentimental eyes, his lips pursed in a line. His hand came up and rubbed the worry lines on his forehead. "Ellie, even if that were the case, you think those people are gon' just forget about the mess we made back at that hospital?"

She cringed at the memory and furrowed her eyebrows at him. "The mess you made. I didn't kill anyone." I almost did, though. 

He sighed and sat down at the spot beside her, running his hands over his face again. "I know," he mumbled. "You're right, I made a big mess of things." He looked at her again. "I would have done it all over again, y'know?" 

Ellie nodded, "I know." 
Despite his calming words though, she still couldn't shake the feeling that this wasn't going to end well. Joel seemed to have caught on to that because he quickly bumped her shoulder with his in an attempt to cheer her up. He was so good at calming her that it almost seemed like he could read her mind. Why couldn't he do that last night? It would've saved Ellie whole lotta tears. 

"You hungry?" Joel asked, trying his best to change the topic probably. "I know we kinda left in a hurry before."

She shrugged, "Not really." 

"Yeah?" he raised his eyebrows "Not even for pancakes?" 

A smile quickly blossomed on her face. There was no way she was saying no to pancakes. So she sat down at the table and patiently waited for her breakfast to be ready, fingers tracing up and down the healed skin on her arm to keep herself occupied. 

It was still a mind-blowing fact, that she was pure again. Like she was before she got bit. Before Joel, or the Fireflies, or David... 

"There you go, kiddo." Her dad thankfully snapped her out of her head before things got too dark once again, and placed a plate of warm, doughy goodness in front of her. She dug in without hesitation, smearing mountains of honey on top and taking big bites without waiting for the pancakes to cool down. It was very clear that Joel was trying to fatten her up, he'd said so himself, and she didn't mind one bit. About halfway through the meal, she began wondering how she survived fourteen years without tasting this heavenly food that Jackson had to offer. 

Joel watched her, clearly stopping himself from scolding her about how she was 'eating too fast' like he always did. "Good?" he asked once she emptied her plate, not even three minutes later. 

Ellie licked the remainder of the sticky honey off her fork before dropping it on the plate. "It's alright, I guess" she smirked mischievously and Joel rolled his eyes. "Alright smart-ass, why don't you go ahead and do the dishes, then? -Seein' how it wasn't up to your standards." 

"Ha-ha, very funny." She mocked but ended up moving her plate to the sink anyway. Having food in her stomach helped control her thoughts a bit, silencing most of her worries, though it was short-lived. Her brain had a habit of hurting her; making her think the worst thoughts at the worst moments. 

"What if they're here for you?" She turned back to Joel, who seemed disappointed in the fact that she was circling the topic back to the Fireflies. 

"Ellie-"

"I wanna talk about it." She challenged, knowing full well that he didn't stand a chance anymore. If he really was going to keep his promise about talking to her, this would be a good time to prove it. And he did, not with the best attitude but she still took that as a win.

"Alright..." he sighed and placed his cup of coffee on the table. "Fine. Let's say that they're here for me, what then? They plannin' on executin' me in front of the whole town? Because that ain't exactly how things are handled here." 

"How many of their people did you kill, though?" she pressed, "They're not just gonna forget about that-"

"And if it comes down to that, I got it covered." Joel stiffened in his seat. Ellie knew that he hated bringing up the topic of killing with her and, ever since winter, she wasn't too up for talking about it either. Especially now that they had been in Jackson for a few weeks, they had both calmed down a lot, so she couldn't imagine Joel murdering someone quite as well as she used to. 

"He has a girl with him," she pointed out cautiously. "-The doctor. Are you gonna kill him too?" 

"Jesus, Ellie-"  he pinched the bridge of his nose. "We're talking 'bout hypotheticals here." 

"Well then, hypothetically, are you going to kill them?" 

"Chrissakes girl," Joel exclaimed before taking a moment to gather his thoughts again. "If push comes to shove - if they try to hurt you - then probably, yeah." 

They were both silent after that, unmoving. She knew that would be his answer, yet it still caught her off guard. The fact that he would kill for her even now, in a town like Jackson, was beyond overwhelming. After a few more moments she moved to sit back in the chair beside him.
"It's not fair that you get to worry about me all the time and I don't get to do the same, y'know?" 

He exhaled through his nose and wrapped an arm around the back of her chair. Ellie didn't wait for him to respond. She leaned against the crook of his elbow and looked at him. "If you die I'm fucked. I'll probably have to go live with Tommy and Maria- and she's fucking scary sometimes so, please don't do anything stupid." 

Joel smiled and pressed a kiss to the crown of her head. "Deal."

A few hours passed, and Joel struggled to keep his paranoia at a minimum. Ellie was upstairs, drawing in her room, and he was still sitting on the couch, thinking over every detail about this morning. 

He had to keep it together for her, but truth was that he was scared shitless. His girl was right, he did kill a lot of their people, and they very well could have come to get at him for it. That wasn't what scared him, though. Those people - that doctor - had the power to take another one of his girls away from him and there was this sinking feeling; a sense of impending doom that he wasn't going to be able to save her either. 

Tommy should have been here by now, he always showed up around the same time to watch Ellie just in case Joel had to head for work. Ten minutes passed, then thirty, an hour, and now his anxiety was at its peak. 

Then, like a fucking miracle, there was a knock at the door, and Joel immediately jumped to his feet before remembering a crucial detail: his brother never knocked. For a moment he figured that he had simply imagined the knock because Tommy was nowhere near polite enough to announce himself before entering, but then the knock repeated and now he was sure that it was real. 

He opened the door and his heart sank. Before him stood that same man that he and Ellie spotted in town. Of course, it was him. He looked nervous, maybe even a little scared. Fear gripped every inch of Joel's body and every ounce of his soul screamed at him to just close the fucking door. Before he could, the doctor placed an arm on the door, demanding to be heard. "Wait- please," his voice trembled a bit like it did back at that hospital. "Just let me say my part and then I'll go. Please."

Joel kept the door open but pried it enough so that the man couldn't see inside the house like that alone could keep him away from Ellie. "I have nothin' to say to you," he scowled, his jaw clenched, fingers gripping the doorknob with enough force to tear it off. 

"Oh, really? Cause I think you do." Jerry looked around to check if anyone was listening before turning back to him. "Can I...?" He gestured at the door and Joel noticed a brown envelope in the man's hands. 

The doctor wasn't armed or didn't seem to be, at least. His thumb anxiously circled his other fingers, crinkling the envelope a bit. Still, the only thing that Joel could think about was that this man, this coward who couldn't even get his words out without stuttering, nearly killed his baby not even a month ago. 

And yet, he let him in. There was no avoiding this, any of it. Plus, this wasn't something they could talk over on the steps of his porch. 

The man's face smeared with joy and amusement as he looked over the house. Ellie looked the same when they first entered Jackson too. His gaze got stuck somewhere above the stairs, his face returning to a neutral expression. "Hey, sweetheart..."
At the top of the stairs stood Ellie, carefully peeking downstairs. The second Joel realized that fact, he stormed before the doctor, putting even more distance between him and Ellie. "You don't look at her, you look at me."

Jerry sighed like he was disappointed in the man's distrust in him. The fucking balls on this guy.
"You know," he started, sucking in air through his teeth. "If I wanted to hurt you, or your daughter, I wouldn't have let you walk out of that hospital alive." 

Despite the man making a valid point, Joel refused to unclench his jaw; glaring at the doctor with ire. "What the hell are you doing here?" 

"I'm not here to cause trouble-" he put up his hands in surrender. "I'm just trying to give my daughter a good life- same as you."

Joel remained unconvinced; God would never test him to that extent without taking away another one of his girls, he was fucking sure of that. Jerry caught onto his suspicion, sighing in defeat. "Look, I had no idea you were here." He placed a hand on his heart "I swear." 

"Sure," Joel mocked. "You just happened to stumble onto this town then, did you?" He took a step closer, backing the trembling doctor into a corner. "How can I trust you won't hurt her, huh? After everything?"

"I am doing you a goddamn favor by offering you peace right now," the man argued back. "You killed our people, you shot me, and now you want to threaten me for simply wanting what you want?" He scoffed and dared to take a step toward him, though Joel didn't budge. "You know my daughter wants you dead for what you did?"
It was more a statement than a question, though it spun heads just as well. 

"Is that what this is?" Joel challenged. "You gonna kill me now?" 

"I should." Jerry hesitated again. "But no." 

"Why not?" he clenched his fists, ready for a fight that he wasn't going to get. The man looked tired - exhausted - and already well past defeated. Even if he did come in here to kill him, there was no way he was winning. "Because if it was my girl in that room, I would've done worse."

That's when Joel finally unclenched his muscles, breathing a little easier. He glanced at the envelope in the doctor's hands and he quickly handed it over.
"Here," he said.

"What is it?" He tested, refusing to accept the man's 'gift'. "A peace offering?" The man wore an awkward smile and raised his free hand in surrender. "You're her father so, I figured you should have it." 

When he made the connection that the envelope was tied to Ellie, Joel nearly ripped it apart. Inside there were piles of papers, all with additional handwritten notes on them.

 "It's her medical records and some scans we did..." Jerry explained and now there was a sudden sinking feeling making a home in the pit of his stomach. Sure enough, there were about a dozen scans of Ellie's brain, all with a few huge white spots in the middle. To an untrained eye, these could very quickly be mistaken for cancer, and Joel actually had to convince himself that wasn't the case. 

It felt weird, seeing her immunity up close. It was real, and it was a part of her.

The real star of the show, however, was a tiny little Polaroid at the very bottom of the envelope, with a little girl on it. At that moment, it seemed as though Joel's heart was torn between melting from pure joy and simply stopping from the shock. There was no denying who the little girl was, her big green eyes shining bright as the freckles danced on her little face. Her smile was crooked the same way it was now, except this time with fewer teeth. It was stupid, but at that moment, the only thing he could think about was whether or not the tooth fairy ever visited her. 

Did this sweet, perfect little girl ever wake up euphoric with joy as she looked under her pillow to find a little present tucked away? Did she ever write Santa for a puppy like Sarah did? Did anyone ever work double shifts just so they could get her that Star Wars Lego set that she's been wanting like he did? Christ, did anyone ever hold her? Did anyone ever read her a bedtime story before tucking her into bed?  

Why on Earth was the answer no? Why didn't anyone make sure that this beautiful baby girl had everything her little heart desired?  

He flipped the photo and noticed the little handwritten date on the back of it. April 4th, 2023. 

4 years old. She was only four years old. 

Joel flipped through the rest of the papers and began reading them with the speed of light. He needed to know everything about her. Every single thing that those papers had to offer. He quickly stumbled onto a piece of paper that resembled a birth certificate. 

Ellie Williams, August 9th, 2019. 

His heart stopped and he had to physically stop the tears that began forming in his eyes. God, he didn't even know her birthday. What kind of a father was he? 

After a few moments of collecting himself, he finally looked up at Jerry. "Why do you have this?"

"Apparently her mom was a nurse so Marlene wanted to honor her, I guess-"

"No- why do you have this?" Joel raised the photo of Ellie and the doctor swallowed. "It's a long story..."

Now Joel's stomach twisted with rage. Were these people just watching her? 
"We got time." He clenched his jaw again and gestured for the man to sit down. He obeyed. The guy looked like he had never even shot a gun, let alone killed anyone, meaning that Joel could get all the answers out of him. And right now, he wanted to know what the fuck a photo of his daughter was doing with the goddamn Fireflies. 

Chapter Text

"From the beginning," Joel demanded, his stare weighing down on the already powerless doctor.

Before he even began telling the story, the man was already making excuses for himself. "It's not what it looks like," he said, then immediately began rethinking his statement. "When she was born, Marlene tried to find someone to take her in..." he trailed off, hoping that he wouldn't have to finish the sentence and admit to this girl's father that he had rejected his daughter. 

His eyes quickly widened and his posture straightened. "You?" he scoffed and threw himself back onto the chair. Nausea clenched in his gut; a fear that this man who had come into his home to make peace with him was going to be yet another name on his daughter's seemingly endless list of people that had left her. That could not happen, she wouldn't be able to take that. Hell, he wouldn't be able to take that. 

Ellie needed love so badly it stung. They all did, kids like her, except she hadn't realized it up until recently, and that's why she was clinging onto him so hard. He'd been trying desperately to show her that she was loved and needed - that was the tricky part - and her hearing that this man didn't want her had the potential of sending her into a spiral for months. 

"...Yes and no," Jerry explained. "Marlene came to me first because I already had my Abby, I'm assuming. She wanted me to raise her but I was 26 with a toddler to take care of, alone. I was hanging on by a thread ever since her mother died and I couldn't do it." 

Joel gritted his teeth, his head spinning at the idea of anybody else caring for his Ellie. He bit his tongue, keeping himself from spewing more shit at the man because, in truth, he didn't deserve that. 

"A few years later- I don't know, I guess she felt guilty - she brought this photo to try and get people to take her again..."

Manipulation at its finest. That was the whole point of the Fireflies, it seemed. They manipulated his brother into joining their cause and tried to trade his daughter like she was a fucking puppy. What a sick fucking joke. 

The man snorted. "Jesus, it sounds way worse when you say it out loud, huh?" It was clearly an attempt at cracking a joke but Joel didn't find any of it funny. This was a little girl. A living, breathing kid, that was more important than anything else in the whole universe, and these people refused her. Serves them right, they didn't deserve her.

"Anyway, more years pass, and in comes Marlene, telling us that this girl could potentially save the world." Jerry continued. "What are the chances, huh?"

"And you were okay with killing her." Joel pointed out, his voice dangerously low. He stood, slowly, and leaned his arms on the table, glaring at the man before him. "You were okay with killing a little girl. Tell me, what about this story makes you the good guy?"

"Says you-"

"Yeah, says me!" Now he was way past pissed off at that point. As his girl would put it, he was now at 'Boston-level anger'. "Back at St. Mary's, you told me that you thought it was alright to kill her because you thought she was an orphan. And now here you are tellin' me all this to, what, defend your case?" 

"You and I both know that Marlene was a manipulative person. She told me that you were just a heartless smuggler and that she was a girl that nobody took in after all these years. What was I supposed to do-?"

"How about not killing my goddamn kid for starts?" Joel argued back, knowing damn well that he was the one who asked for this fight. Pride was going to be the absolute death of him, there was no denying that, but right now he had to make it known where things stood. Ellie was his. He took her in. He wanted her. 

"How many of our people did you kill, hm?" Jerry argued. "I never hurt that girl- and I'm certainly not here to hurt her now."

Both men went silent after that, fully aware that they couldn't defend themselves further. They had both killed people, but ultimately, they wanted the same thing: to protect their daughters. 

"I swear," Jerry added, trying his best to come off as convincing.

Joel was at a loss. Every ounce of him wanted to push this fight further, but there was no use. How could he hate this man for simply trying his best? Still, he wouldn't stop until he was satisfied. "And this?" he pushed the envelope toward him, the polaroid still clenched between his fingers. "You just took those papers with you for shits and giggles?"

"I just took everything I had- there's no alternative motive here." 

He scoffed. "Right."

"I'm serious," the doctor stressed. "If those papers served any purpose to me I wouldn't be giving them to you."

Joel nodded, though he still didn't fully believe him.
"Alright, I'll bite." He sat back down, his fists still clenched. "How'd you find this house then? You had some of your guys follow us or somethin'?"

The man sighed again. "Your brother. He uh, he said that he has a niece around Abby's age that lives close by."

"God-fucking-damn it, Tommy." Joel pinched the bridge of his nose, cursing himself for not beating some sense into that boy last night like he had planned to. What the hell was he thinking, telling random people where he lived- where Ellie lived? He was practically offering them up on a silver platter. 

Jackson has made his brother soft, no amount of denying it could prove it otherwise. He was far too open, too trusting. And yet, overly cautious at times; him being suspicious of the fact that Ellie sometimes needed Joel to stay close while she slept being a prime example. 

"I can see the resemblance, I guess." Jerry tried to lighten the mood again, even though he was practically being interrogated. That alone made Joel relax a bit.

"How old is she? -Your girl." He asked after some time.

The change in topic caught the doctor off guard. He blinked at him a few times before clearing his throat and answering. "Uh, she just turned seventeen a few months back." He then glanced back in the direction of the stairs, and Joel's stomach turned again. "What is she, fifteen?" he cautiously asked and gestured in the direction of Ellie. 

"Fourteen." He answered flatly and furrowed his brows. It's not his intention to hurt her - he told himself.

"Right. Right, 'cause of the-" he pointed at the envelope that Joel had since pulled closer to himself again. "Right."

Then there was silence again, neither of them knowing what to do or say for a long time. In a way, they both had each other to thank for the fact that their kids were still here, and they didn't know what to do with that. They were complete strangers, and yet, they had the same reason for living: their daughters. 

How on Earth do you hate someone for that? 

"How's she holding up?" 

"We're managing," Joel answered, his tone lighter than before. "And you?" 

Jerry glanced down at the side of his midsection, where he had been shot. "Well," he began "Still can't reach the top shelf but, here I am." His features saddened after a moment. "Abby, though..."

Despite trying to hide it, Joel's heart broke at the mention of this kid whom he had never even met. They had that in common, he and Jerry, the fact that they were both trying to look out for every kid they could simply because that's what they wanted for their kids. 

The man seemed to have noticed the guilt painted over his face because he quickly corrected himself. "Nothing's wrong with her physically, thank God. It's just...she never knew her mother and Marlene was a pretty big part of her life." He trailed off, his voice breaking a bit toward the end. 

Now it was Joel who was trying to lighten the mood, his guilt eating him alive. "How'd she take the whole 'you shooting her friend' thing, then?" 

He was silent for a moment, hesitant about whether or not he should even answer. "Yeah, about that..." he swallowed before continuing. "She doesn't know I did it..."

It didn't take Joel long before connecting the dots. "Jesus Christ," he scoffed "You've gotta be kiddin' me."

The doctor quickly raised his arm and began defending himself. "No, she cannot know- please I am begging you."

"You told me you didn't want no trouble-"

"This isn't going to be a problem for you, I swear," Jerry argued back. "Just- just please let me have this. If she knew I did it, it would kill her." When Joel didn't respond, he carried on. "I'd do it for you, y'know?" 

That's when Joel lost control and laughed out loud before standing again. "You listen to me an' you listen good," he told the man. "You an' me, we ain't friends. You saved my life, I saved yours. We are done here." He leaned closer, his face now inches from the doctor's. "Now, we are going to stay out of each other's way. You don't bother me, and you sure as hell won't bother Ellie either, and I'll do just the same. Deal?"

He nodded. "Fine..."

Ellie stopped listening soon after Joel started yelling at that doctor. She couldn't handle sitting there and hearing them discuss whether or not her life was worth saving, not now. So she hid in her room, opened the window, and climbed onto the roof, despite Joel telling her over and over again that she shouldn't do that. What does he know? He's the one that let that fucking doctor inside in the first place. 

That wasn't entirely fair though. She knew he was just trying to protect her and, by the looks of things, that man didn't come into their home to kill him or cut out her brain. 

She didn't know how long she was up there but it didn't matter. Anything was better than staying in that house for even a second longer. 
It didn't even feel like their house anymore, with him in it. Was that how the Fireflies felt once she and Joel arrived at the hospital? Fuck, do not think about that right now! 

There was only a matter of time before Marlene's voice started screaming at her again. Everything about this situation was still new - it hadn't even been a month since St. Mary's, and it has already come to haunt her. 

Why did everything always have to haunt her? Wasn't the fact that so many terrible things had happened to her, all within a year, enough? No. No, she had to suffer. She was born for it. 

What would happen if you just jumped from this roof? 

That thought snapped her eyes back open and spun her head around with enough force to destabilize her. That wasn't Marlene's voice, or David's. That was all her, her own thought. That's never happened before. It was always someone else that degraded her and told her that her life meant nothing. Was this what Joel was so scared of?

Ellie would never jump off a roof, it wasn't how she imagined herself going. She was supposed to be in her twenties, fighting alongside other FEDRA soldiers, until she got shot by some Firefly bastard. Ironically, she never saw herself getting bit or turning. Plus she guessed that she would've learned how to swim by then, so drowning was off the table. 

"Ellie?" A voice pulled her out of her hopelessness. She glanced toward the voice and spotted Dina behind the fence of their backyard. "What the fuck are you doing up there?"

"I could ask you the same," she tried her best to get the nervousness out of her voice. "Why are you always walking around my house?"

"It's a shortcut to the stables," her friend explained. "Why are you on the roof?" 

Oh, because I'm having another panic attack and I physically cannot stay in the house for two more seconds. 
"Uh, it doesn't matter-" Ellie brushed the subject off before things got too dark once again. "Did you say you were going to the stables?"

"Yeah, I think Buttercup had the baby!"

"No way!" She fucking knew that today was the day! Fucking Fireflies just had to ruin everything, huh? "Can I come?" 
She needed to get away from this house, and fast. 

Dina's smile at her request was visible from the rooftop. "Yes, please do." 

Ellie quickly peeked over the edge of the roof, the whiplash from the height making her a little light-headed. She knew that she couldn't use the front or back door without Joel or the doctor seeing her - plus, Joel would never let her near that guy. He said so himself - so she had to think of something else. She thought back to her days in the FEDRA school, and how she and Riley would often sneak out.
There was a long pipe that ran along the side of the walls. It looked sturdy enough to hold her weight, given that she was 'light as a feather' according to Joel. 

She slowly moved toward the edge, only stopping once she heard Dina's panicked shouts.
"What the fuck are you doing?"

"Keep your voice down-!" Ellie shushed her and looked through her bedroom window to see if Joel was gonna run upstairs or not. "I know what I'm doing."

Before her friend could object further, she placed one of her feet over the edge and on the side of the pipe. Then she repeated the motion with her other leg, the pipe creaking under her weight. It's okay. You got this. 

"Ellie, be careful!"

She paid her friend no mind and focused all her attention on climbing down the pipe. She slowly shimmied herself down, bracing her feet on the walls of the house for extra support. "See?" she called out to Dina about halfway down "I'm a fucking pro at this-" That's when she lost her footing and nearly collapsed onto the ground. Before she did, she managed to grip the pipe tighter, stabilizing herself again. 

"For fuck's sake Ellie!" Dina shouted. "I swear to God, if you die I'm snapping your neck in two!" 

Ellie panted and breathed out a few "yeah, yeah, yeah's" at her before continuing her way to the ground. The second she found her footing she knew for certain that if things got too bad, she wasn't gonna jump off a roof. 
She slowly peeked through the kitchen window and spotted Joel and the doctor sitting at the table, her dad's back turned to her. With that confirmation, she quickly jumped over the fence and joined her friend on the other side, her arms torn from her sides. "Ta-da?"

Dina quickly punched her shoulder. "You fucking idiot! Why didn't you use the fucking door like a normal person?" 

"Ow!" She rubbed her shoulder and cringed at her. "I thought it'd be more fun."

"Oh, you fucking bitch. I almost had a fucking heart attack." 

"Wha- I'm like, the climbing master!" 

"You're lucky I like you." Dina joked and began walking them in the direction of the stables. Ellie's face quickly turned red at that statement, her heart racing more than it did on that stupid pipe. 

She didn't mean it like that, you perv! She yelled at herself. She has a fucking boyfriend for fucks sake.

Turns out there was a shortcut to the stables past her house, a little road running past a few houses on her street. Dina lived only a few blocks away from her, though she spent most of her time at Jesse's, usually. 

The two girls quickly reached the stables, squeezing past a sea of little kids that had probably also come to see the baby horse. Just when they reached the front, an older man, probably in his late sixties, stepped before the door, blocking the entrance. "Alright- alright, settle down you monsters." 

"Come on Eugene, we wanna see the baby!" Dina complained to the man, Eugene, and crossed her arms over her chest. 
"Sorry, Dina. We gotta give the ol' girl some space."

"Hey, that's not fair!" A boy, no older than six, yelled out and was immediately backed up by a crowd of little kids. 

"Aren't you critters supposed to be in school by now?" Eugene raised an eyebrow and the kids quickly scattered away, shouts and giggles accompanying them. 

The school in Jackson was meant for the little kids, while the teenagers got the chance to help out around town. Once they reached sixteen, they could even go on patrol, which Ellie was ecstatic for. Not that her age mattered much, she knew that Joel wouldn't let her go on patrol even if she begged with her life. 

He had suggested that she tag along with him to the construction site, which she found stupid at the time, but at this rate, it might be her best option to prove her strength to him. 

"And don't you two got somewhere better to be?" The older man turned to them, his long grey beard rising at the corners while he smirked. 

Dina didn't cower, she stood her ground, puffing out her chest to the man. "We're not going anywhere until we see the baby," she turned back to her. "Right, Ellie?" 

She didn't know what to say, her friend's confidence catching her off guard. "Uh- yeah. Right."

"Hang on," the man squinted and stepped closer. "You're Tommy's niece, ain't ya?" 

Ellie's eyes widened at that. It was still so overwhelming to hear people refer to her as that. She had never belonged to anyone before; she was never anyone's anything. But damn, did it feel good. 
She mirrored Dina's stance, proudly puffing out her chest at the fact that she belonged to someone now. "Yeah."

"Well, I'll be dammed." Eugene tipped an invisible hat to her, bowing down as if she were some sort of royalty. Dina found it very amusing. "I've heard all about you, little lady." 

"You have?" She breathed out and looked over to her friend, who looked like she was about to pee herself from laughing. 

"Oh, are you kiddin'? You're all Tommy ever talks about." He looked over his shoulder at the stables for a short moment before turning to them again. "Tell you what," he leaned forward and lowered his voice. "If you promise to be real quiet, you can go take a peek inside." 

The girls looked at each other with wide eyes, their mouths hung open with amusement. "Seriously?" Dina seemed like she was about to explode from excitement. 

"This stays between us, yeah?" Eugene winked at them before they ran into the stables. 

The second they were out of hearing range, Dina shook Ellie with a wide grin. "Holy shit, dude! You're like famous or something!" 

Ellie didn't give half a shit about 'fame', she was still completely awestruck by the fact that Tommy talked about her. To other people. And he was happy to do it! That was something she was not expecting to have, ever. 

They slowly approached Buttercup's stall and looked inside. The horse was too busy eating her well-deserved lunch to notice them, while the little foal drank some of her milk. It looked so tiny.

It took everything in Dina's power not to break out into excited squeals upon seeing the baby and it finally hit Ellie that she had never seen a little horse before. Not up close, at least.

"Holy shit," Dina whispered, her arms still wrapped around her bicep, though she probably didn't even realize it. 
At that moment, the baby horse didn't even come close to the best thing in that stable.

*

After they left the stables, Ellie still didn't feel like going home, so the girls sat down on the grass and talked. "Aren't you hot?" Dina asked and gestured to the flannel she was wearing. Despite the bite mark being gone, Joel still told her that she should cover her arms for the time being. Ellie didn't fight him on it, the weather wasn't even that hot yet.

Dina didn't seem to agree. She was wearing a plain purple tank top and her usual jeans. It was clear that she was a lot more developed than Ellie was; almost as if she never had to go days without food. It was weird, the fact that wasn't the reality for most kids. Back on the road, Ellie would be lucky if she ate every day. Joel even gave her most of his rations, despite her refusing them. 

"Not really," Ellie shrugged in response and saw her friend's face drop a little. "What?" she pushed, noticing that there was something on her mind. 

She hesitated before answering. "Uh, I talked to Jesse this morning..." she said. Ellie raised her eyebrows. "Okay? Did you two break up or something?" She tried really fucking hard to keep the hopefulness out of her voice. Jesse was good to Dina, and it looked like they really cared for each other. Still, that was the only thing that popped into her mind after hearing her friend's worried tone. 

"No- no, nothing like that," Dina assured. She trapped her bottom lip between her teeth like she was thinking about something hard. "Are you okay, Ellie?" 

Defensiveness quickly tugged at her gut. Why the fuck did everyone keep asking her that? 
"Yeah? Why wouldn't I be?" she challenged and Dina blinked at her. 

"I mean...last night-"

"Oh, for fucks sake-" Ellie rubbed her face with her palm. "That was nothing. I just- freak out sometimes. It's fine."  

"But-"

"Dina." She stopped her. "Please, can we just- fucking- I don't know, talk about something else? I'm already getting too much shit from Joel about this so-"

"Okay- okay- we'll talk about something else." Dina gave in and began pulling strands of grass out of the ground. "I'm sorry." 

Ellie scooted closer, quickly feeling like a huge asshole. "No- look, I'm sorry. I'm just so sick of people asking me that, you know?" 

Dina nodded. "I get it. But...you're my friend, and I'm worried about you."

Her heart swelled up to the point where Ellie feared it might just explode. She hadn't felt anything close to this since Riley was alive. Dina was just so...perfect. Everything about her was beautiful. She was a genuinely good person; those were rare to come by nowadays. But she couldn't talk about David with her. Or the Fireflies. She didn't deserve that burden on her shoulders. 

Ellie sighed and tried to change the topic. "Did you end up going to that abandoned lodge?" 

That seemed to be the right move because within seconds Dina was smiling again. "No. No, we didn't get the chance because Jesse fucking snitched on us!"

"What?" Ellie laughed in disbelief. "Alright, maybe not snitched but his mom heard us and then she told my mom, and now it's a whole deal."

"Maybe it's karma," Ellie suggested, and they both laughed.
"Kar- for what?"
"Remember last night, when we were in Jesse's room and you didn't wanna give me that last cookie?"

Dina pulled out more strands of grass and tossed them at her. "You fucking bitch-"

"Ellie?" a voice called out to her from behind. The girls turned to see Tommy standing not too far from them. "Hey," Ellie waved at him. 

He smiled and moved closer to them. "Hey, kid." He ruffled her hair and shot Dina a kind smile as well. He looked...weird. Like he was worried about something. "Did you come to see the baby Mr. Miller?" Dina asked, her face still smeared with joy.

"Ah shit. Was that today?" Tommy scratched his head and the girls snickered. "Actually, I was on the way to see my brother 'bout something." He turned to Ellie again. "He know you're out here by yourself?" 

Ellie and Dina made eye contact, both of them trying very hard not to look guilty - even though Dina looked like she was about to burst out laughing again. Ellie looked back up at Tommy. "I'm not by myself," she pointed out. "I got Dina."

"Uh-uh, well you can tell that to the judge." He offered her a hand to help her onto her feet, which she was forced to accept. She rolled her eyes at Dina who smiled and got up as well, before hugging her goodbye. "Can we hang out tomorrow?" The girl asked once they were separated and Ellie's heart felt like it was about to burst out of her chest. "Yeah, definitely." 

Once she and Tommy were walking away, Ellie turned and mouthed a quick "I'm sorry" to her friend, who found it incredibly funny. It was Tommy who brought her back to reality.

"Joel doesn't know you're out here, does he?" He raised an eyebrow at her. 

"Whatever," she said. "He's too busy fighting with that Firefly doctor to even notice I'm gone."

Tommy's features quickly shifted. "Whoah, hang on-" he placed a hand on her shoulder. "What Firefly doctor?" 

Shit. Her big fucking mouth was going to be the death of her. "The one that came in today..."

She could see the gears turning inside his head and immediately felt guilty for saying too much yet again. "Are you okay?" she tried her luck at cheering him up to the best of her abilities. 

"Uh," he sighed. "Yeah, yeah sorry sweetheart. It's been a weird day."

Once they reached the house, Ellie hid behind him just in case Joel was going to storm out the door at any moment. He looked down at her and smirked.

"Alright, you go around back and I'll distract him." 

Her eyes quickly widened. "Seriously?"

"Go on, don' make me repeat myself." He urged and she obeyed, running into the backyard and quietly climbing the stairs to the porch. The doctor must've been long gone because it looked like only Joel was left in the house. She waited until she heard him answer the door before silently turning the knob and entering. 

"I'm sure you're just overreacting." Tommy's voice echoed as she snuck past the kitchen. "She's probably in the bathroom or somethin'." 

"You think I haven't checked every goddamn room in this house?" Joel growled back, and fuck, he was pissed. 

Ellie quietly made her way up the stairs, shifting her weight from one foot to the other so that they wouldn't creak in the process. It was about halfway to the top when she heard the floorboards creak before her heart dropped to her stomach. 

"Ellie!"  Joel's Boston voice yelled at her from the bottom of the stairs. 

She shut her eyes tightly before slowly turning around to face him. Yup, he was fucking pissed. "Hi..."

Chapter Text

"You know she don't gotta wear those bandages no more?" Tommy eagerly explained to his wife. "It's all healed now- thank God - an' I think she even covered the whole bite mark."

Maria only murmured in response, but that didn't stop him from continuing. "Y'know, she told me this real funny joke the other day. It's uh...shit, how did it go?" 

His wife didn't answer, just carried on checking the spreadsheets for work.

"Oh, right, it's-" He began laughing before the first letter of the joke had even left his mouth. "She said, 'I don't trust the stairs...they're always up to something!"He laughed even harder than before but suddenly realized that none of it was humorous to his wife. It's early, he reminded himself, and maybe she's just tired.

"Well anyway, I was, uh, thinkin' of stopping by their place later if you wanted to come."
Maria finally put down her pen and looked at him with exhausted eyes. "Again?"

"Well, yeah." He leaned on the kitchen counter and carefully observed her. "Joel had some...problems last night so I figured I'd watch Ellie today."

"Joel isn't scheduled Thursdays." She pointed out in her mean voice; the kind she always reserved for those who broke the town rules.

Tommy sighed and gripped the counter. "No- I know- I meant, like, jus' in case, y'know? Lord knows we're understaffed enough as it is so here's still a chance he gets called in-" 

She laughed humourlessly at that, rubbing her face with her palms. "For God's sake, Tommy..." she swore and leaned her elbows on the kitchen table. "We got a full town of people to look out for. You know that?"

"Yes, I know that-" he defended. "I don' see what that has to do with anythin'."

Maria nodded, biting down on her lip as she did so. "For the past two weeks, I have been taking care of everything. I let you spend time with your brother and Ellie, but enough is enough."

Tommy blinked, unconvinced that he was hearing her correctly. "Hang on- you told me that family is our first priority." 

"First. Not only." Maria argued and stood from her chair, moving toward the counter. "I thought you didn't want kids, anyway."

That comment hit him like a thousand bullets; quickly and painfully, the effect lingering for a long time. It was very unlike Maria to discuss personal matters in such a vicious way, and yet, overly familiar. 
"I don't." He stressed and brought his palm up to massage his forehead. 

Maria scoffed and moved past him to get to the pot of coffee on the counter. "I hear the way you talk about this girl- I mean, you're obsessed."

"Yeah- she's family."
"She's not yours, Tommy. She's not even his for crying out loud!"
His features immediately fell slack after that. "What did you say?"

Maria softened her stance and pursed her lips in a thin line. "Look, I know you mean well- you both want to do right by her but it's not healthy. For you or her."

Tommy had to use all of his willpower to contain his laughter at that moment. Of course, he and Joel wanted to do right by her. She was loved in every way by them. That kind of love wasn't something you just happened to find, especially after having previously lost it. This wasn't Tommy and Joel's attempt to replace Sarah in the slightest—despite how much they seem to love Ellie. The only thing it was doing was moving that love. Lord knows it would have become ugly if they hadn't.

And, goddamn it, if that wasn't healthy for the kid, then nothing ever would be. 

"What are you doing?" He asked. "Why are you so against Ellie-? Your niece."
"No- do not put words in my mouth, Tommy. I never said I was against her- I'm not. I care about her too."
He scoffed. "Joel then? 'Cause like it or not he is your family too-"

"Tommy." She cut him off before he could rile himself up further. "All I'm saying is that Ellie hanging off Joel's arm every second of every day is not something that we should be encouraging." It was how she said it, so matter-of-factly, like it was no biggie. "I mean, the girl is fourteen years old. It's not fair for Joel- or you- to postpone her development because you missed out on her formative years."

"Now hold on just a minute," his reaction was quick and sudden. "That ain't what's happening here. For Christ's sake woman, did it ever occur to you that Ellie might function differently than other kids- differently than Sarah did?"

His wife tilted her head like she couldn't believe what she was hearing. "Well, maybe things would be different if you two didn't coddle her as much."

Maria had a kind heart despite always being a stern woman. Tommy knew that she wasn't saying all of this to upset him. Even yet, it was wrong to treat Ellie like an adult when she was hardly even a teenager.
He never asked Joel about the specifics of what had happened to them while they were on the move, but based on the way Ellie acted — as if she could squeeze through little cracks in the walls — it must have been bad.

Tommy held on to the counter so tightly that his knuckles became white. He had not been able to forget Sarah's cries for his brother in twenty fucking years. Sometimes, he could still smell her blood on his clothes, the metallic tang piercing his soul as he helped lower her lifeless body into a pit. All because he was unable to shoot that soldier quickly enough.

Ellie was a child who had undoubtedly gone through a lot more than anyone gave her credit for. So if she wanted to feel small enough for the brothers to hold her in the palm of their hands, assuring her protection - promising it to her with their lives - she was going to have it.

"She is just a little girl," he argued back with all he had. "And right now, she needs our support. So don't you dare say that we shouldn't keep her close- not after everything."

Maria went quiet after that, counting the tiles on their kitchen floor. Tommy took that as a sign that this conversation was over, just in time for his radio to turn on. "Station 7- We got a situation at the main gate-"

He quickly jumped on the request and picked up his walkie, desperate to get out of the house before he lost all his nerves. "This is station 12- What's the situation-?" 

"We got a group of people at the gate- They're requesting entrance-"

"Oh, for cryin' out loud," Tommy swore before drawing the walkie to his lips again. "How many people we talkin'?- 'Cause I don't know how many more people we can fit in here Price-"

"Uh- Lookin' at about eight people-" 

Upon hearing the number, he quickly looked at his wife, who blew out a breath. Before he could say anything, the radio turned on again. 
"I think they got a couple of kids with 'em-"

That's when Tommy knew that he didn't stand a chance. "Alright- I'm on my way-"

"Sounds good boss-"

He turned off the walkie and stole a quick glance at Maria's worried expression. "I'm gonna go deal with this," he told her. "We'll talk 'bout this later."

*

As he stood there awkwardly watching the action unfold in front of him, Tommy found himself replaying that exchange in his brain.
Joel was looking down at Ellie, who was sitting on the couch with her back against it and her arms crossed across her chest.

"Where in the hell were you?" he demanded and she rolled her eyes. "I just went to the stables. It's not a big deal."

"Not a big deal?" Joel raised his voice and Tommy cringed, mirroring Ellie's expression. His brother was a scary person, especially when he was mad, and despite understanding his anger at this moment, the kid didn't deserve this. "You mean to tell me that you runnin' off to God knows where is not a big deal?"

"I just said I went to the stables!" The little girl shouted back. "What was I supposed to do- just stay in my fucking room all day while you yelled at that guy?"

"Well, I expected you to know better than to go running at the first sign of danger." He lectured and Ellie scoffed. "Says the guy that literally dragged me away after we saw the Fireflies" She mumbled to herself but it seemed like the whole room heard it. 

"What did you say?" Joel clenched his jaw. Tommy knew that look well, and he was sure that if Ellie were anyone else, she would've been shitting her pants. But Ellie knew him better, of course, she did. How could she not? She didn't flinch at Joel's words and didn't think twice about the look he was giving her. 

"What, so it's okay when you hide me from 'danger' but when I do it it's bad?" She challenged and Tommy eyed his brother, who looked like he was about to pop a vein on his forehead. 

"Listen, here-" Joel started but Tommy quickly cut him off. "Hey now, she has a point," he said, fully aware that he had his brother's full attention now. "You stay outta this," Joel warned and stepped toward him. "I got a bone to pick with you enough as it is."

Ellie's posture softened past his brother's shoulder, letting Tommy know he was doing the right thing by shifting Joel's rage onto him. Joel, on the other hand, had already turned on his heels and walked back toward Ellie.

"I can't believe you'd do something so stupid," he said as he pointed to the door. "Do you need me to remind you of what's out there?"

"I was just trying to help!"

"Oh, yeah? And how does getting yourself killed help anyone? Please enlighten me."

"Whoah, hold on," Tommy said as he stepped between them. "Don't you think you're being a little unfair?" He addressed Joel first, knowing that he wouldn't like it. He was correct.

"I had no idea where she was for nearly two hours, Tommy!" Joel scowled at him. "In the meantime, you're letting goddamn Fireflies in like it's nothing."

"Fireflies?" He scoffed and squeezed his brows together. Ellie had told him about a 'Firefly doctor' that Joel was reportedly fighting with, but he tried not to read too much into it. Because there was no way he was letting fucking Fireflies into Jackson. He was a Firefly once, therefore he should be able to recognize others. Right?
He wasn't becoming that careless, no. He was unable to be. Not with him being so cautious.

"Right, so the goddamn Fireflies crawled over here from Boston- all without Marlene?" He snorted and turned to look at Ellie to see if his brother was just being an overprotective asshole as he always was, but he noticed that she had shifted in her seat and was now sitting rigid as a board and gripping her fists tightly.

Joel abruptly took hold of his arm and started dragging him toward the kitchen. He told Ellie, "You stay there," and then they were out the door. To say that his older brother tossed him into the kitchen was an understatement. "I'm gonna need you to watch your fucking mouth," he cautioned, and Tommy became even more perplexed than before.

"What the hell's your problem-?"
"My problem is that you brought the goddamn Fireflies here- who were planning on killing her only a month ago!" Joel stiffened his posture and barked back at him.

His blood instantly became cold, and his heart dropped to his stomach.  "What?"

Joel closed his eyes and sighed, returning his gaze to the living room. "Christ, can you just- wait here?" I gotta talk to her."

It was clear that he wasn't up for explaining the whole Firefly situation until both he and his kid calmed down, so Tommy continued. "Hey, take a breather first, yeah? Remember, blowing up on her isn't going to solve anything."

Joel laughed. "What the hell do you expect me to do?" She shouldn't be out there with those folks walking around--what if they hurt her?"

Jesus Christ. Tommy knew that Joel was protective of the girl, but damn. Nonetheless, he had a valid argument. The Fireflies didn't have the best track record - Lord knows they're not far from FEDRA at this point - and if what he said was true, that they were out to get her, he had every right to be worried. He was a father; practically born with it.

However, if he was overreacting and just making things up in his head like he often did, that may be a completely different issue. Maybe Maria was right. Maybe this wasn't great for Ellie

But that couldn't be, could it? That Joel's love was harming her. He'd seen him adore Sarah with the same devotion, but there was something different about his love for Ellie. As if simply loving her wasn't enough. He seemed desperate to keep her close; as if he had already lost her.

"Can I talk to her?" Tommy tried, fully aware of how his brother would react. Joel's ego was already frail enough, particularly when it came to parenting. He felt obligated to work extra hard to be flawless because he was Sarah's sole parent for most of her existence. That's why it hurt so much more when he let her down. That's why he clung to her lifeless body for the remainder of the night. Why he wouldn't allow Tommy to touch her, certain she'd only fallen asleep in his arms. 
Goddamn, he was trying so hard to save his baby, well after she had passed.

"Why?" He demanded, a defensiveness swelling in his throat, just as Tommy predicted.

"Because right now, you're both upset." He elaborated. "Trust me, it'll only make matters worse for both of you."

Of course, Joel was not pleased with that response. "Oh, you're a parenting expert now, are you?"

Yup, still as insecure as ever. Tommy had only suggested once when Sarah was about six or seven, that he help pack her lunchbox for her, to relieve Joel of some stress. That conversation, like this one, quickly escalated. "My daughter, my rules" were his brother's exact words back then.

Joel used to reject any type of guidance during her formative years, always thinking that they were mocking his parenting, considering how young he was, so the younger Miller expected a similar response now. Only he did not receive one. Instead, he went quiet and returned his gaze to the living room, a look of despair on his face that Tommy had never seen before in his life. At least not when it came to parenting.

"Fine," he reluctantly gave in and the brothers returned to the living room.

Ellie was splayed over the couch, her gaze fixed on the ceiling. When she saw them, she let out a loud groan and shifted into a sitting position with a groan. "Can I go now?"

It looked like Joel was about to scold her again so Tommy took the lead once again. "Don't you think it's better if we clear the air now?" He tried to be as patient as possible with her, having witnessed enough teenage meltdowns to know better. "Now, I know you two spent a lot of time together on the road, so it's safe to say that's going to take some adjusting, right?" He returned his gaze to Joel before returning to Ellie, anxiously expecting their reply.

"But it's not fair!" Ellie complained, looking at Joel again. "It's not like you were gonna let me leave my fucking room so I was trying to make things easier for you."

Joel sighed and thought over how he could respond to her. "I understand," he began, "but that don't mean you can leave without telling me."

The kid blew out a breath and eyed them through her eyebrows. "Fine. Sorry." It was a terrible apology, much like Joel's often was. Luckily for Ellie, her dad was just as bad at receiving apologies as he was at giving them so he took what he could get and focused his gaze on the floor.

Tommy observed their dynamic closely, the number of unspoken words between them driving him insane. Christ, they're so alike that they might as well have shared DNA. After neither of them dared to utter another word, he rolled his eyes and pushed them to it yet again. 

"Alright, well, Ellie- I understand that you didn't run off to upset your dad here, right?"
He had to be extremely cautious when using the term 'dad' around Joel; one incorrect use of the word could send him into a spiral for days.

She shot him a look as to say "Yeah, no shit" but quickly wiped it off with a roll of her eyes. "No."

"There you go," He praised. "And can you understand why he's upset with you now?" 

Guilt sparkled in her eyes for a moment, but she only nodded in response. Tommy took that as a win and turned to his brother next. "And Joel, can you see that she was only trying to help you out?"

Of course, Joel was a little harder to convince. "Hang on, that ain't the issue here-"
Tommy quickly rubbed his hands over his face in disgust at his brother's stupidity. "Oh, for God's sake- you're both useless."

Joel gave him a dirty look after that, but it vanished the moment he heard Ellie giggle from the couch. That had been his intention all along, to make her laugh, and Joel had known it as well

The younger Miller returned his gaze, his palms clasped in prayer. "Could you please just let me do what I need to do now? I'm on your side here."
He kept his gaze fixed on Joel, silently pleading with him to play along so the kid could giggle some more. She certainly needed it.

Of course, because Ellie was the most important thing in Joel's life, he obeyed and sighed in defeat. "Fine- yes. Whatever."

His surrender thankfully worked and the little girl broke out into another fit of giggles and both brothers seemed to have been breathing easier now. Joel returned her glance, the corners of his mouth twitching slightly before he approached her and knelt so he they were at eye level. 

"Just...don't do it again, okay? My old heart can't take it."

Her smile remained, and she softened her face. She always liked when he played along with the jokes about his age. "Okay." 

"Well, look at that," Tommy added. "You've successfully made peace without screaming. Ain't that something."

After Ellie went upstairs calmer than she had been when she initially arrived downstairs, just the brothers remained in the room. Joel's expression quickly moved back into a hostile position, and Tommy braced himself for the worst

What he didn't expect, however, was for his brother to bare his soul to him. He told him about nearly losing Ellie to those assholes and how Dr. Anderson saved them. He even expressed some of Ellie's concerns about the Fireflies, making him feel even more guilty than before. He assured him, though, that they were not supposed to be a problem for them. By the time Joel finished explaining things, Tommy's head was in his palms. 

"Jesus Christ," he exhaled. "That's...I don't even know what to say."

"Yeah," Joel nodded. "She still gets nightmares 'bout Marlene- hence the..." He gestured at his forearm and Tommy quickly connected the dots. 

"So, me mentioning Marlene jus' now..."

"I ain't sure if it's a trigger or not, but she don't like talkin' about it." He explained and exhaled a nervous breath, a distant look on his face. His calm seemed to be melting away like ice with each passing second. "I couldn't find her for two hours. My heart felt like it was going to stop because I didn't know where she was."

"But you said the doctor didn't want to hurt you, right?" He asked in an attempt to soothe him

"That don't mean nothin' and you know it." Joel glared and slid onto the couch. "I can't lose her, Tommy- I can't."

"I know," he conceded because he was at a loss for words. His thoughts returned to his talk with Maria, her words echoing in his mind. "She's not yours, Tommy. She's not even his for crying out loud!"

He pondered for a second whether his wife was justified in being concerned about Joel's obsession with Ellie. But he couldn't stop thinking about Sarah and his relationship with her. 
"I get it- Lord knows I do," he added, finally. "But- if you want this relationship you two have to work, you gotta trust each other."

Joel sighed and closed his eyes, agreeing with his brother silently. Tommy took his quiet as permission to proceed, though he was unsure whether he should. "I know you love her, Joel- I see it." He pursed his lips into a line and thought about his next words very carefully. "Can I ask you somethin'? -And you gotta promise not to blow up on me."
Joel's shoulders stiffened but he reluctantly nodded. 

"Is it..." he hesitated for a moment. "Is it the same?"

Joel gripped the arm of the couch, his whole body twitching at the question. Then he thought about it, hard, and that's what scared Tommy the most- the fact that he had to think about it. For a split second, he worried that Maria was correct about him projecting his love onto Ellie as a distraction from Sarah. His next words, however, calmed him down.

"Yeah." He whispered.

Tommy's cool demeanor cracked as he exhaled a sigh of relief. Of course, it was the same. What else could it possibly be?
"How?" He asked after a moment of silence. "How do you love like that again?"

"There's nothing to it, you just do," Joel explained but began to question his response. "I let her down, in Colorado. I wasn't around to protect her and she almost-" His breath hitched in his throat. "I thought that I lost her...and I couldn't live with myself because of it. That's how I knew."

Tommy couldn't keep a sad smile from growing on his lips, and he couldn't help but feel glad that his wife was wrong. This was the purest form of love in the world. And it had transformed his brother from the wounded man to who he once was. A father. However, his grin was short-lived and he soon became worried again.

"Maria was pregnant." He confessed under his breath. It took a lot more strength than he expected, but he said it. He saw the way Joel's eyes widened and a knot began forming in his throat. "It was a while back," He explained. "...And it didn't last long." 

Joel let out a short sigh and patiently listened to him. Tommy smirked and sat beside him, his forearms leaning on his knees. "I know it's bad but, I was genuinely relieved when it didn't work out." He turned to him again. "I'm not like you. You-" he looked back at the staircase in the direction of Ellie. "You're meant for this. I ain't." 

"No one is-" Joel tried but he quickly interrupted him. "No, you were. And you still are." 

Joel couldn't argue with that. 

"Thank you," Tommy whispered. Thank you for bringing her into my life as well. God, he had no idea how desperately he needed her. They both did. And now, they were complete. Finally, and most importantly, a family. 

And screw anyone who said otherwise. 

Chapter Text

Her dad had told her that their paths would never meet again. He swore it. He even hauled them on a two-week journey to a random town so they could leave St. Mary's and everything that came with it behind. Jackson seemed too good to be true in so many ways.
Good things were so very easy to take advantage of, but Abby was a good person. She was raised well and was taught not to take anything for granted. Joel Miller, on the other hand, didn't deserve Jackson. Not after all he'd done; the blood he'd spilled, the lives he'd taken

After the massacre at the hospital, most of the Fireflies - if they could even be called that anymore - went their separate ways. Staying and clinging to what was now long gone would have been meaningless anyway. Those who came with them though were all beyond fed up with the situation.

They were all seated in the house's living room that had been given to her and her father earlier that day. Abby hadn't even had the chance to enjoy the fact that she now had a proper home, the sort she'd always dreamed of. Not with him in town.

Her dad was standing in front of them, delivering another one of his 'empowering monologues' about how strong they all were or something, but for the love of God, the only thing she could focus on was the fact that he was defending that man.

"So, he let you into his house and you did nothing?" Owen interrupted his speech, once he started rambling again.

Owen was the first person to find her after everything that happened. The second people started splitting up, he promised her that he'd go with her anywhere in the world, and despite trying to convince him otherwise, Abby was now beyond grateful that he was here with her. 

Her dad looked startled, and a little offended, at his comment. "The whole point of moving was to leave everything behind us," he pointed out. "What were we supposed to do?" 

'We' being just him. He wasn't a leader, so putting everyone on a pedestal relieved him of a lot of that responsibility. But Abby wasn't having it. Not now.

"We should've killed him," she answered bluntly and immediately felt everyone's eyes on her, especially her father's. Apart from not being a leader, he was also well known for refusing to engage in violence. Sure, he killed infected when needed, but it never came easy to him. He even stated a few years ago that he'd never killed anyone before. 

The silence was deafening, everyone's gaze still fixed on her. "I'm serious," she continued. "He murdered hundreds of innocent people. What gives him the right to walk free?" 

The room broke into murmurs of approval and her dad had to look over their faces - his stare lingering on hers for a second too long - a few times just to accept the fact that they were actually being serious.  

"You can't be serious..." Even though his eyes were flying all over the room, that 'you' was dedicated only to Abby and she knew it. "I mean- with that logic, what makes us any different than him?"

"Hundreds of dead people, Dad. That's what."

"Well, maybe if we just looked at it from a different angle..." That one was Mel. Teacher's fucking pet. If she had the chance she would probably take a bullet for her dad - or any other authority figure at this point - just to get praised for it. The only reason she joined them was to probably get even more 'good points'. Fucking unbelievable. 

Maybe there was something in the air, or maybe it was just the fact that seeing him unharmed and happy in this town made her stomach turn, but Abby wasn't having any of Mel's bullshit today. "Would you just shut the fuck up for once?!"

"Hey- Enough!" Just as suspected, once Abby turned her head up, she saw that her dad wasn't even trying to be mad at Mel. Instead, all his disappointment was immediately transferred to her. Like fucking always. "Now, Mel actually made a very good point just now-" Un-fucking-believabe.  "I think we should take into account everyone's situations-"

"Oh, 'cause that's what he did, right?" 

Everything got quiet after that, and Abby felt like her dad was trying to win a staring contest with her for a long time. After a while, the took a deep breath and straightened his posture. "Nobody will do anything to anyone. There will be repercussions if I hear anything different. Am I making myself clear?"

"What about the girl?" Owen finally gathered enough courage to speak up. "She's still immune, maybe we could-"

"Am I making myself clear?" He repeated in a dangerously low tone, that he rarely used with anyone.

Owen looked at Abby for a moment, and she really hoped that he would push at the topic more, but he simply lowered his head in defeat like he always did. "Yes sir." The rest of the room - with the exception of Abby - quickly followed suit.

"Good. Now go ahead and settle in. Mingle." He gave the command as everyone turned to leave.  "Not you," He slammed the door in her face before she could make a nice escape as well. She quickly scrambled onto the couch and accepted defeat. It was always easier that way. 

"What the hell was that?" Her dad lectured and she rolled her eyes.
"That was me fighting for justice!"
"You were talking about killing a man! I just...I thought I taught you better than this."

Ouch. It always stung when he used that line. To be fair, she wasn't trying to make him feel bad, but she was just so heartbroken about everything that it didn't even matter all that much anymore. 

"Marlene always fought for justice." She argued and crossed her arms over her chest. 

"Yeah well, look where that got her."

That one hurt even worse. He seemed to catch onto that because he quickly began forming excuses for himself. "Honey, I didn't mean that, okay? I just-"

"I know what you meant."

He sighed. "Yeah...you do." He sat down next to her and rubbed his eyes with his palm. "Look, this town is the closest that we will ever get to normal around here. Okay? We can't afford to-"

"-To take it for granted, I know." 

"See?" Her dad gently tapped the side of her head with his pointer finger. "I told you I had the smartest kid ever. And that's why I need you here with me, not somewhere in the past. Do you understand?" 

How could he just forget about everything? Why wasn't Abby as strong as he was? 

She moved her gaze to her lap and started playing with her fingers. "Dad?" she asked. "You did everything that you could to save Marlene, right?" She had been asking him that ever since it happened, only occasionally wording it differently so he wouldn't get tired of answering her. 

"Of course, I did." He dropped his voice into a far more serious tone. "I swear."

She believed him, of course, she did but with each question she placed in front of him, more doubt began sinking into her mind. But he was telling the truth. He had to be. Even though Abby knew that there was something off with the way he spoke, or how his shoulders stiffened each time, the simple act of making pretend had to be enough to hold her for a little while longer. 

It had to be. 

"Okay."

Chapter Text

"I don't remember this at all," Ellie said, bringing the photo closer to her face once more. "Is that bad?"

They were both back on the couch a few hours after her 'running away incident,' gazing at the photo Joel had handed her. He told her that, by sheer fucking luck, she wasn't grounded, but Ellie could tell that her dad was surely cooking up another form of punishment for her. "We ain't outside no more," he told her when they first came to Jackson "An' you need to understand that your actions have consequences." 

Ellie found all of it wildly unnecessary. He should have owned up to the mess he made at St. Mary's before he began preaching all this to her but they were having a sweet moment now. No need to ruin it.

"No, it ain't bad honey." Joel chuckled and peeked over her shoulder to get a better look at the photo. "I reckon it'd be weird if you did remember everything from when you were that little."

"Why?" she looked up at him.

He took a moment to think about it. "You outgrow it. Your body needs space for more important memories." She wrinkled her nose at him. "So, my memories from when I was a kid aren't important?"

" 'Course they are."

"Then why don't I remember anything? Like, I can barely remember anything from when I was 10." She watched him search for the right way to explain this to her. He'd started to consider his words before saying them out loud, especially once he realized the effect they could have on her. She appreciated it more than she dared show. 

"It's a natural thing. Some remember more and some less." 

"Why though?" 

"Some people tend to block out a lot of bad things that happened when they were kids. It's their bodies trying to protect 'em, in a way." He adjusted his sitting position and wrapped an arm around her shoulder, but Ellie still didn't move her gaze from the photo. "It's more of a trauma response than anythin' else."

That's when panic gripped her heart and she turned to him. "I thought trauma was-" she bit the inside of her cheek before continuing "-everything that happened during winter..."

Ellie remembered that night after David was already dead and chopped up into tiny little pieces, and how terrified she was to sleep. Joel told her that what happened was traumatizing and that nobody her age should have gone through it. If she couldn't remember her younger years because of trauma, did that mean that she had another David back then?

Joel quickly caught onto where her mind was taking her so he gently tilted her chin up towards him. "Trauma isn't one thing in specific. It's different for everyone- people process it differently too," he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "And it takes a while to process. That's why younger kids tend to just forget about some things instead of processing them."

"Oh." Ellie looked down at the photo of herself again. "Is that why I don't remember anything?" 

"Maybe. Or maybe you just outgrew some things-" She must've frowned because he quickly rephrased his words. "-which is normal. Trauma or not."

Ellie wanted to understand, more than anything she did, but the more she thought about it the less normal it felt. "But if trauma makes us forget," she looked at him again "Why do I remember other things? Like Marlene or...you know..."

Joel clenched his jaw and shut his eyes for a moment. She knew he hated talking about winter. It hurt him, even if he wasn't even there to see what happened. 

"Ellie, do you know what triggers are?" He asked and she furrowed her brows in confusion. "The things that fire the bullets out of guns?" 

Joel snorted. "Alright- sure. But I'm talkin' about something else."

She cautiously adjusted her sitting position to look at him better. He cleared his throat. "Triggers are things that bring us back to those real bad things we don' wanna remember. Now, sometimes that's a sound or a smell, and really anything that might make you relieve that painful thing." 

"So they're bad?" Ellie asked curiously. "Not exactly," her dad explained. "They help protect you so that nothing like that would happen again. That's why anything that reminds you of those things can make you scared or freeze up." 

"That's what that is?" 

He nodded and Ellie looked at the photo of her younger self. "So...that's all trauma?"

"It's because of it, sure." He explained. 

"Do you have trauma?"

Joel laughed for a second, one of his hands coming up to pet her hair. "Oh yeah," he chuckled to himself.

"Oh." Even though she still didn't fully understand it, knowing that she and Joel had another thing in common made everything a lot better. Ellie finally handed him the photo back after a while. "Can we throw this in the trash now? It's kinda freaking me out."

Joel's eyebrows shot up to his hairline. "Absolutely not." He sounded offended at the idea. "In fact," he took one good look at the photo before standing up and walking toward the kitchen. "It's going straight on the fridge." 

"What?" She quickly got up and followed him. "No- no, no, no, no. Joel- I look so weird!" She whined but he didn't seem to care. 

"You do not," he sounded offended again. "I think this is the best photo I have of you."

"It's the only photo you have of me," she pointed out. 

"Exactly," he agreed and ruffled her hair. "That's why we're gonna go to the store an' see if they got any cameras available. We gotta get this place looking sharp, don't ya think?" 

"Like right now?" She raised her eyebrow at him. "What about the 'big bad Fireflies' that are out there?"

He tilted his head and gave her a look. "I told you, the Fireflies ain't gon' be a problem for us."

"Well, in that case, I'm gonna go to Jesse's." She declared proudly and sat on the counter. Joel didn't seem impressed by her declaration in the slightest. "Uh-uh, hold up," he scolded. "What makes you think that you can go? —Especially after the shit you pulled today."

"I thought you said I wasn't grounded.”

"You aren't," he said emphatically. "-But that doesn't mean you can just run off whenever you'd like."

Ellie blew out a breath, thinking over ways she could convince him to let her off the hook. "Okay, how about...if you let me go to Jesse's, I'll start going to the construction site with you."

Joel raised his eyebrows, fighting to keep the corners of his mouth from forming a fond smile. "Oh yeah?" he snorted. "What about those jobs Maria offered you?"

She gave him a look. "Maria wants me to babysit some fucking kids. I would much rather hammer nails, or whatever it is you do there."

"Well, that's not exactly what-"

"Besides," she cut him off before he had a chance to make a valid point. "You told me to make friends- and I already kinda promised Jesse and Dina that I'd be there so, in a way, you're making me break my promise by not letting me go-"

"Ellie-" he sighed and chuckled to himself again. "You can go. Just let me finish some things up and then I'll take you."

"Oh." She wasn't expecting him to say yes. She also wasn't expecting him to want to join her given his condition the last time they were at the Chang house. "I mean...I was thinking I'd just go by myself."

"Oh," It was clear that he wasn't expecting that answer; his shoulders stiffened, and he crossed his arms over his chest. "Right."

"It's only a few blocks away so I figured, y'know, you could do your own thing and I could do mine..."

The tension in the room could probably be sliced with a knife. They both just stood there for a long time, awkwardly thinking of things to say. 

"Um," Joel cleared his throat and she could almost see the gears turning in his head. "Yeah, alright." 
He didn't look even a little convinced, but Ellie wasn't ready to risk losing the freedom she'd just gained, so she grinned and leaped off the counter. 

"Thank you, thank you, thank you," she all but jumped toward the door. "I'll be home soon-"

"I'll come get you." He yelled out before she was out the door. Ellie didn't fight it; he deserved that much.

*

There will be a day, she thought, when she won't have to beg to be let out of his sight. She knew there would be. Even if it meant playing a prisoner in their house just to please him. She wasn't stupid, she knew that Joel wanted her around for safekeeping. That's why she wanted to prove herself to him as much as she did so that he could see she could care for herself. 

Still, she found herself checking over her shoulder as she walked to the Chang residence. Fireflies were no joke, she had to learn that the hard way. And maybe some of Joel's paranoia rubbed off on her throughout her time trapped in the house with him.

Giving credit where credit was due, she understood why he was paranoid about...well, everything. It's how he showed he cared, though it could sometimes feel a bit much. Most importantly, she trusted him, so it had to be true if he said that the Fireflies weren't a problem for them.

That mindset left her as soon as she walked into Jesse's house and spotted an unknown figure there. It was a man, who looked to be about the same age as Robin and Eric, that she had never seen before. Was he a Firefly? Did he know she was gonna be there? 

"Ellie, this is Mark." Robin kindly explained to her. Mark. Ellie didn't remember anyone with that name from the hospital. Then again, she barely even paid attention to the surgeon that was there, so nothing was off the table. "He just came in today with his daughter." 

"Oh," She looked at the man, but he only nodded a response to her before turning to Mr. Chang again - who, unlike him, looked at her for a few seconds too long. It didn't bother her as much anymore, the lingering stares he shot her. He told her she could always talk to him so that couldn't be bad. Right?

"Everything alright, Ellie?" Eric walked up and welcomed her as well. "You seemed to be in quite a hurry last night." 

His voice was gentle, too gentle to indicate danger. So was David's - her brain reminded her, as it always did. 
He's not like that! He would never do anything that he was gonna do! 

"Right. Sorry about that..." 

"It's alright." His gaze fell back to her forearm for a second, and Ellie's stomach twisted with guilt once again. "Your dad isn't with you?"

"Uh, no. No, he's...busy- thank god." She tried to joke to calm herself down, but it didn't seem funny to the others. When she turned to the door, she noticed Mrs. Chang's anxious expression at the mention of Joel. She didn't miss her shooting worried glances at her husband like they were talking telepathically about something important. 

"I see..." Eric forced a smile once he turned his gaze away from his wife. "Well, Jesse and Dina are in the backyard. If you kids need anything just let us know, okay?"

This whole conversation felt overly forced like it did last night. "Okay...thanks." She stole a quick glance at the man in the living room, who wasn't even looking at her. Thank fuck. He even looked annoyed to be there, much like Joel did last night. That was good, that little similarity between him and Joel proved him less of a threat.  

The comfort of having friends there helped ease some of her anxiety about a lot of things. At least, it was supposed to. Once she made her way to the back porch, there was no sign of Dina or Jesse, just a girl with short black hair sitting and smoking a cigarette. Great, more strangers. 

The girl glanced up at her and rolled her eyes. "There's more of you?" She complained. 

Ellie blinked and furrowed her eyebrows at her. "What?" 

Instead of answering, the girl simply asked a different question. "Did my dad ask you to come talk to me too?" Oh. That man in the living room was this girl's dad. " 'Cause no offense, but I'm not really looking to make friends right now."

Now it was her turn to roll her eyes. "Don't hold your breath. I'm just looking for my friends." 

"The Asian guy and the girl with, like, freakishly good hair?" The girl smirked and brought the cigarette to her mouth again. "They're fucking in the shed." 

Ellie blinked again and turned in the direction of said shed. It was a similar shed that was in her backyard, only theirs was a bit smaller. Still, it was definitely big enough for...that. The girl must've noticed her discomfort because she laughed to herself. 

"Oh shit. That's not your boyfriend or anything is it?" 

She cringed in response. "Ew. Absolutely not."

"Girlfriend then?" 

Ellie hesitated for a second. Nobody had ever asked her anything like that out of the blue. At least not without the intention of hurting her. "No. No- that- we're just friends." 

"Uh-huh. Sure." There was something so familiar about the girl; something that made Ellie feel weirdly at home. But of course, she'd never say it out loud. She had too much pride for that.

"What do you care?" She argued. "Thought you didn't wanna talk to me anyway."

"Yeah, well, it's either that or sit and listen to old people talk about old people things." Well, there's no arguing that. "I'm Cat," She said and offered her hand up to her. It looked like her whole arm had been covered in tattoos, which was just about the coolest thing Ellie had ever seen. Again though, she wasn't about to break her cool demeanor. 

Instead, she slowly sat next to the girl and shook her hand. "Ellie." 

"This doesn't make us friends or anything, by the way."

"Good." She agreed but the corners of her mouth slowly formed a little smile. Cat blew out some smoke before pointing a finger at her. "No jokes about my name either. It's not my fault my parents named me after a literal animal." 

It was like she could read her mind, because, from the second she introduced herself, Ellie had already begun to conjure up puns about her name. She had to play it cool though; her comedic timing had to be just right.

She raised her palms in surrender. "No jokes here," she said and waited for Cat to let her guard down a bit before she continued. "I mean, from the sound of it, your birth must've been a real Catastrophe."

The girl looked at her for a few long seconds while Ellie started giggling at her own cleverness. "Is that all you got?" 

"Calm down, I'm just kitten around." That one got her a punch in the shoulder. 

"That doesn't even make sense!" She shouted back, but Ellie noticed how hard she was trying not to laugh. 

"No? I thought it made purrfect sense." She knew that her big mouth had the potential to get her beat up one of these days, but she didn't care. It felt so good to be out of the house without all that pointless shit clouding her mind, and laughing! With a girl who felt like...

Riley. 

Ah. That's what that familiar feeling was.

Surely enough, that one broke her, and Cat started laughing. "I've actually never heard that first one." Success. "I mean, the rest were fucking awful-" Less success. 
"Is that your thing? Making terrible jokes?" She asked once her breathing returned to normal. 

"I guess," Ellie shrugged. "I'm also great with a machete." 
Why the fuck would you bring that up?

Even though she immediately regretted her words, Cat looked impressed. "Oh yeah?" She said. "Thought we weren't allowed to have weapons in this, fucking, Kumbaya-looking town." 

"We're not. It's from...before." 

Cat frowned at that. "You've been outside?" 

"Of course," she nodded. "I've actually only been here for, like, three weeks." 

Cat's eyes widened like she just grasped something important. "Oh." Ellie looked through the big glass door and into the living room. "Did you come here with your parents?" It felt like an innocent enough question that could keep her mind from going into the whole 'machete' thing.

"Just dad," she corrected her and now Ellie felt like an asshole again. "We came in today and he's, like, desperately trying to get me some friends."

She nodded. "Same here. I mean- I'm also here with my dad." 

"Yeah? My condolences." 

"I'm guessing you two don't get along then?" 

Cat scoffed. "Nah. I don't think he likes me that much." 

That. That was the type of parent Ellie had always heard about. The type of parent that just dropped their kid in front of a FEDRA school because they didn't wanna deal with them anymore. 
Parents were never something happy. Back when she was a kid, she used to fantasize about having a family, but then she heard stories of kids who did have parents, even if it was just for a brief time. 

All those kids resented their parents, for one thing, or another. They would throw dirt on their names any chance they got, just because they could. Most parents just left them, while others passed away. Then there were those parents that would hit their kids, or yell at them to the point where their only way to survive was to run away. Of course that only got them into the FEDRA 'orphanage' or into the Fireflies' clutches.

Parents weren't supposed to give a shit about their kids. That wasn't the norm anymore. Not until Joel. He was the total opposite of everything Ellie had learned about parents. He cared - maybe even a little too much at times - and he wanted her. He needed her, and she needed him. And Christ, did he love her. His love was strong enough that even a girl like Ellie, who had never once been cared for like that, couldn't deny it. 

Nobody had ever looked at her like that before Joel; like she was the most important thing in the universe. He held her as if she was made of glass, too precious to damage. How was it that, out of all the broken kids out there, he found her? The girl who was content with being left behind to rot, while others yearned to be held like that. 

Or maybe she'd always yearned for it. Her prayers always were silent ones. Maybe that's why she got it, even if she had to fight for fourteen years to have it. 

"Oh, I'm sorry..."

"It's fine," Cat chided. "I don't need him anyway." She reached into her pocket and pulled out another cigarette, offering it to her. Ellie just shook her head. "How old are you anyway?" The girl asked with a cigarette trapped between her lips as she tried to light a flame.

"Fourteen," Ellie answered just in time for Cat to inhale and have a coughing fit. "Seriously?" She eyed her up and down. "No offense but you look about twelve." 

"Yeah, I didn't really get to eat much, I guess..." 

"No shit." She went quiet for a moment after that. "I'm fifteen by the way." She shifted the topic back to her previous question, probably unsure of what to say. 

Ellie raised her eyebrows at her. "Really? And your dad lets you get tattoos?" 

"Sure, he doesn't care. Plus, I do them myself." 

That was, once again, the coolest thing that Ellie had ever heard. "Can I see some?"

Joel knew he shouldn't have let her out of his sight. She ran away from home for fuck's sake, getting grounded should have been mandatory. But, once again, his brother was right. If he wanted this relationship he had with her to work, he needed to trust her. 

That, unfortunately, meant that he had to trust that she knew her way around town. She was a smart kid, and she knew how to take care of herself, but that didn't mean that she had to take care of herself all the time. That was his job now; it's why he was here. To make sure that she could be a kid for once. 

But that, too, meant allowing her to demand distance and freedom from him. It was normal. Hell, when Sarah was her age she was pretty much independent. She went everywhere without him and he was fine with that. Back then. Back when it wasn't normal for kids to die at the drop of a hat, or when literal monsters weren't mindlessly running around. There was still danger, of course there was, but truth be told, he'd never worried about it all that much.

He'd talked to Sarah about stranger danger and whatnot, but that girl was always too damn smart for it anyway. Ellie was too, there was no mistaking that, but she was also very reckless. She very often bit off more than she could chew - and she could chew plenty - despite how capable she was. 

As bad as it was to say, he used to be more relaxed with Sarah, mainly because he never knew what it was like to lose a child. It was every parent's worst nightmare, but that's all it used to be: a nightmare. A bad dream that was never supposed to come true for him. 

But now he knew. He understood that type of grief and, by God, he wished he never did. 

He had sworn to himself that he would never have another child after Sarah died. He couldn't take it. Even while drunk or drugged out of his mind, he always made sure to use protection even if that meant using expired condoms. It was stupid and pretty damn risky but he was desperate. 

Who knew that, two decades later, he'd be here?  What had he done that made God decide to give him another chance? The answer: nothing fucking good. He had killed and tortured people for twenty fucking years. Parents don't do shit like that. Still, Ellie fell into his care, and he wasn't going to lose another daughter ever again. 

He tried distracting himself while she was out, but in truth, he was just waiting for the sun to go down so he could finally have an excuse to go get her. Pathetic? Maybe. Obsessive? A hundred percent. But that's what he needed for his brain to function properly. 

Finally, after hours of pacing and strumming stupid tunes on his guitar, the moon began to peek from behind the trees and he could finally get his kid. 

He found the idea of returning to the Chang house underwhelming, to say the least. Especially after everything that happened the previous night. But Ellie needed her freedom, and who would he be if he didn't grant her that? A rational fucking person, that's who. 

So far, the Fireflies had kept their word because they were nowhere to be seen. It was actually a little concerning, but Joel did his best to keep his head out of that gutter for now. He was struggling enough with keeping his heart from jumping out of his chest every time he remembered his last encounter with Eric and Robin. Or rather, Marianne, who he hoped wouldn't be there now. 

He tried counting the streetlights all the way from his house to the Chang residence; a trick he'd picked up before Sarah was even born so that his breathing wouldn't get out of control. A trigger, if you will. Well, dealing with triggers, technically. 

Finally, he reached the house and knocked on the big door in front of him. His breathing was normal by that point, thankfully. Knowing that Ellie wasn't in line to meet Sarah's fate helped, though it was hard to remember that fact most times. Eric and Robin are good people - Tommy's voice rang through his ears. 

Eric ended up opening the door. He looked unimpressed by the fact that he was there, to say the least. "Alright, Joel?" He asked, almost announcing him to the room. 

"Everything's fine," he answered. "I just came to get Ellie before it got dark out. Don' want her wandering by herself at night, y'know?"

"Right..." Eric turned his head toward his wife, who was standing a few feet away from him, biting down on her thumb. "I don't think I can let you do that."

The whiplash of that answer was enough to send his head spinning and his heart racing. Anger didn't even begin to explain the emotion that welled in his gut; a possessiveness like no other that overtook control of his whole body. 

"What did you just say?"

Chapter Text

Jesse and Dina came shortly after Ellie and Cat had been introduced. Turns out they went to the Tipsy Bison to get some sandwiches for lunch, and Ellie shot Cat a look for lying about their whereabouts. "You're sick," she said, but Cat merely laughed. Ellie sprang to her feet and walked toward her friends, leaving her new acquaintance on the porch to assist them with the food.

"I thought you weren't coming until later," Dina pointed out as she unloaded bags of food onto her arms. 

"Yeah, well," Ellie shrugged. "I couldn't handle being stuck in that house." Dina and Jesse exchanged glances, and when she returned her gaze, her grin appeared less genuine. "Right, sorry for leaving you with..." she said, tilting her head toward Cat. "She told us to fuck off, so we just kinda left her alone." 

"She's not that bad." 

"Oh?" Jesse laughed and closed the fence behind him. "She actually talked to you?" 

"A little." It wasn't much, but it was enough to convince her that she was not a threat. Furthermore, it sounded like her dad made her come here, which could explain her demeanor. Cat was like the other kids at FEDRA, constantly looking out for herself. Ellie understood that better than anyone.

Cat had already entered the home by the time they were able to bring the food bags in. She resembled Riley so closely that it was almost overwhelming. She knew exactly what she wanted and didn't seem to care what anyone else thought. It made sense that Jesse and Dina weren't drawn to her right away. They weren't used to dealing with children like Cat. Their parents probably fed them nonsense about how FEDRA kids were soulless monsters or whatever. 

"Ah, there you are." Robin came up to them shortly and helped set the table. "Thought you were gonna leave little Ellie here all alone." 
It was clearly a joke, but Ellie still hated it when people pointed out how short she was. Even when Joel did it. It just made her feel like more of a burden. 

"It's not our fault that Hershel was being so chatty," Jesse defended and Robin smacked him on the shoulder. "You be nice to that man. He's been all alone since Margaret passed, that poor man..." 

Ellie had always wondered why adults went into such details about everything. At this point, it seemed like they just liked hearing themselves talk. Whatever, she was too distracted to listen to the woman's words anyway. She kept her gaze on Cat and her father. It looked like she was whining about something the way Ellie often did to Joel but never in front of other people.

She paid close attention to how Cat moved. Her flailing arms and how quickly they clung to her sides. How she looked at her father and how he didn't really look at her. How, whenever he did, he didn't seem to do it right because she quickly looked away from him. They made eye contact for about three seconds before they both gave up.

That seemed to be the base of their communication and, as bad as it was to say, Ellie was almost jealous of it. Cat could do whatever she wanted without her dad breathing down her neck.

She adored Joel, but that didn't change the fact that he was a lot. He was never like that before. He used to only show how much he cared when she was upset, but now he seemed to do it all the time. He wasn't putting on an act to please her; this was just who he was now.

Ellie's heart sank at the thought, and her stomach twisted as she realized she'd made a huge mistake.

Dina snapped her out of it by waving her hand in front of her face. "Hello? Earth to Ellie!" 

She blinked fast and turned all her attention to her friends. "Hm? Sorry, what?"

"You're staying for lunch, right?"

The question brought her back to reality. For some reason, Ellie hadn't expected there to actually be food involved, even though Jesse invited her over for lunch. 
Her first instinct was to refuse their polite offer, given that she hadn't discussed it with Joel yet. But then she remembered that Joel told her that he'd come to pick her up. Until then, she was free to do whatever the fuck she wanted. 

"Can I?" She asked nervously as if everything leading up to this moment had been nothing but a sick prank. Jesse's mother raised her eyebrows. " 'Course you can, honey." She then turned to Cat and her father. "We have enough for everyone." 

"Actually I think we're gonna head out." Cat's father said, and Ellie returned her gaze to them, studying them. Cat wasn't standing right next to him. There was always plenty of room between them, which Ellie noticed right away.

Other kids her age weren't nearly as touchy with their parents. Was it weird that she was so...cuddly? She'd never been a fan of physical contact, but she found herself craving it now. Joel didn't seem to mind either - he seemed fucking ecstatic about it - but was that so bad? 

Was he like that with Sarah? Was that why it was so easy for him to hold her? 

Did he keep her around only because she reminded him of her?

"Oh, really?" Robin frowned a little. "That's a shame." 

"Yeah well, we are very grateful for your hospitality," he turned to his daughter. "Right?"

"Right." She answered, forcing a smile and flashing her teeth for a second. "Thanks."

Mark gave Robin and Eric a look to apologize for Cat's behavior, and Ellie had to fight the urge to defend her. Who the hell did he think he was, getting upset with her because she wasn't having fun somewhere he made her go? Did he ever ask her about where she wanted to be? 

This wasn't about Mark. 

Cat didn't say goodbye to any of them, but Ellie could've sworn she looked at her for a second longer than Jesse and Dina.
After that, everyone sat at the table and started eating the steak sandwiches Dina and Jesse had brought from the bar. Ellie was never the type to refuse food, especially now that there was so much of it available, but she couldn't bring herself to take even a single bite.

Instead, she sat there, listening to everyone's complaints about Cat. They claimed she was either too quiet or too mean. They swore they smelled cigarette smoke on her and couldn't believe that her dad would let her smoke. They didn't get her, but Ellie did. She was her at some point. Now she found herself longing to have that version of herself back.

Jesus, what the fuck happened to her?

She helped clean the table once everyone was finished with their meal. They insisted on packing her sandwich for her to take home and she didn't refuse. Hours passed and she was sitting outside with Jesse and Dina again. In truth, she hated being stuck in the house all the time, so she spent as much of her free time outside. Thankfully, her friends shared her love for the outdoors. Even after the crickets were already singing them lullabies. 

There was something in the way they looked at her that was...weird. She's been noticing it ever since her visit last night. She didn't push it. 

"Was your dad pissed when he found out you snuck out?" Dina asked after some time. She scoffed. "Well, he wasn't happy about it, but at least he didn't ground me again."

"My mom would've lost her shit," her friend laughed. "Honestly, I don't think I have the balls to sneak out anymore." 

"And yet, you're always here." Her boyfriend pointed out and they all laughed. "It's not my fault she kicks me out whenever she has 'visitors'," she joked.

Ellie couldn't imagine Joel kicking her out. Ever. That being said, she also couldn't imagine him having...visitors. Ew. 

The laughter lingered for a long time, each one of them poking fun at their parents in one way or another. It was nice; refreshing. Well, it was after she had convinced herself that she wasn't betraying Joel by making jokes at his expense. About how weird he was about her leaving the goddamn house, or how he lost sleep over the dumbest things. 

When she was done with her part, her friends raised their eyebrows at each other like they had been the entire day. "What?" Ellie eyed them suspiciously and they dropped their gaze. "Nothing..."

"No." Ellie crossed her arms over her chest and glared at them. "No, I wanna know why the fuck everyone's been acting weird." 

They both hesitated, but Dina eventually broke the silence. "It's just that...we're all kinda worried about you because of- um," she couldn't finish her sentence, so Jesse cut her off. "Ellie, is your dad hurting you?"

She stared at them for what felt like forever, struggling to process the question. "What?" she breathed out, trying hard not to burst out laughing at the absurdity of Jesse's words. But then she saw their faces drop and she realized that they weren't joking. "What the fuck- no!" 

In all the time that she had known Joel, never once did Ellie think that he would hurt her. Not if Marlene trusted him. She was never scared of him, not even while she watched him bash people's skulls in with his bare hands.

The mere possibility of him hurting her sent her mind racing. He would never— he could never lay a finger on her like that. Right?

"No— why would you think that??" She almost yelled; the urge to defend him rushing through her body. 

Jesse and Dina looked at each other again, their eyes widening. "Oh," Dina looked at her again, her eyebrows pressed together in confusion. "Oh? What do you mean oh?" Ellie's eyes traveled from one confused friend to the other. "This is why everyone's been acting so weird?"

"Well," Jesse kept his gaze locked on the floor longer than Dina. "What about your arm? My dad said that-"

"Your dad?" Oh shit. That's why he was being so weird last night! He wasn't trying to be creepy, he was trying to help her. "That-" She laughed in disbelief and shut her eyes for a moment. Lying was never one of her strongest suits, but was it really that hard to believe that she just spilled hot water on herself?  

"My dad said that Joel was asking him about chemical burns and then your arm was bandaged—" Jesse began and Dina quickly joined him. "—Yeah, and you don't really call him dad or anything..."

Ellie was at a loss for words. She had been trying so hard to be the perfect daughter for Joel - it's what he deserved, and she was beyond desperate to be loved - but she couldn't even do that right. 

"And your first thought was that what, he was fucking hitting me?" She scoffed. "I don't know— the way my dad described it made a lot of sense and I just— I don't know." He lowered his head again. 

"So...he isn't hurting you?" Dina asked and Ellie's eyes widened. "No! No- he would never do something like that!" 

Her friends breathed out a sigh of relief. "Shit, okay..." Jesse rubbed his forehead. "Sorry. We were just trying to look out for you." 

They told her everything that put those ideas into their brains. How she pulled away from him last night and the way she refused to have him close when she was having a panic attack. How she refused to let Eric look at her injury and the fact that Joel was apparently 'acting weird' the entire night. 

Ellie couldn't help but let out a humorless chuckle after they were done. "What the fuck..." It made sense, not to her obviously, but she understood where her friends got the impression. "Why didn't you just ask me last night, then?"

"We didn't wanna risk anything," Dina answered and she nodded. "How long were you gonna keep guessing?"

Neither answered and Ellie let out a genuine laugh. It was sweet, in a way, that her friends cared that much.  "Well, thanks for giving a shit, I guess." Dina crawled over to her and wrapped her up in a hug. "Thank God you're okay. I mean— we're sorry for all of this but..."

"I know," Ellie reassured and pulled back. "Thanks." 
She gave them a quick rundown of what actually happened: she spilled hot water on her arm and she kept scratching the burn so Joel put bandages over it so that it wouldn't bleed. She also said that she prefers to call him by his name because that's what she's used to. 

"Fucking hell." Jesse rubbed his face with his hands. "We should probably explain this to my dad then, huh?" 

Suddenly - and ironically right on fucking cue - there was shouting coming from inside the house and their heads snapped in its direction. It took her only a couple of seconds to recognize one of the shouting voices. Shit. 

The kids ran up to the glass door taking a peek inside. Lo and behold, Joel was there, his face edging dangerously close to Eric's. 
"What the fuck are they fighting about?" Ellie whispered as if her voice wasn't already being drawn out by the shouting. Her friends only gave her a look. Oh, she thought. They're fighting about me. 

This was bad. It meant that she couldn't intervene without making things worse for everyone involved. By now she knew Joel well enough to know that there was nothing that he wouldn't do for her. That also made him incredibly dangerous. Especially now that Ellie knew what Eric thought of her dad. 

"Should we go in?" Dina asked and she quickly shook her head. "No." She couldn't imagine that being a good idea. 

"What the fuck can we do, then?" 

She thought, hard. Ellie knew that the second Joel saw her face, the whole house would become a war zone and she wasn't willing to risk that. That's why she settled for the next best thing.

"I'm gonna go get Tommy. You two stay out here." 
She was sure that Joel would never hurt her friends, but regardless, his fights were never pretty. 
"I'll be back soon, I promise." 

And she ran like her fucking life depended on it, speeding past the street lights down the street until she reached Tommy's house. She quickly began pounding on the door, praying that it would wake him even if he was asleep. Thankfully, he opened the door not even a minute later, his face painted with concern once he laid eyes on her. "Ellie? Are you alright?"

She panted, desperately trying to get her words out. "Joel...fighting...fuck-" 

"Whoah, whoah, easy girl. Breathe. Where's Joel?" Tommy quickly braced her by her shoulders and Ellie could see Maria appear in the doorway as well. She took deep gulps of air and vomited the words out as quickly as she could. "Joel and Dr. Chang are fighting and he looks like he's gonna tear his fucking head off-"

Tommy gave his wife a puzzled look, and both of them rushed to get their coats. He then turned back to her, coat in hand, marching down the street. "Where?"

"Excuse me?" Joel tried – and failed – not to appear offended as he glanced at the woman before him. It was bad enough he had to leave work early without worrying about his child.

"Look, Mr. Miller," said the woman, whose name he couldn't recall for the life of him. "-You're right. I don't know your situation. But I know that Sarah has been refusing to sleep during nap time and eating very little."

That couldn't be true. She was sleeping just fine back home. Sure, she ran to him because the shadows had taken on the form of a monster or her teddy bear had slipped out of her grasp, but that was it. She's also never been a picky eater, which was a blessing. That girl could gobble up anything he put in front of her, especially if it was animal-shaped.

"None of this is abnormal, Mr. Miller," the woman attempted to reassure him. "It's normal for children, especially at her age, to experience separation anxiety from their parents."

He cleared his throat and crossed his arms over his chest. "But?" After statements like that, there was always a 'but'.

Surely enough, the woman sucked a breath through her teeth. "—But," There's always a fucking 'but'. "She's also been having trouble getting along with people, not just with other kids, but teachers too.

Joel let out a sigh. That one was definitely true.  Sarah was only social when he and Tommy were around, putting on little talent shows for them that usually ended with her screaming the wrong lyrics to a Johnny Cash song. But that was normal, right? - For a kid her age? 

"So you wanna send her to a goddamn psychiatrist?" He spat the words out with enough venom to kill a passing fly. 

"I only suggested looking into maybe having her see a child specialist-" A fucking psychologist. 

"She's four!" He pointed out, his voice a strange mix of worry and anger. "And who the hell are you to suggest what my child needs?"
Joel knew he wasn't a perfect parent, not by a long shot, but sending his four-year-old girl to therapy? Really? 

"As a teacher, it is my duty to look out for these kids," she explained in an overly sugary voice. "From what I've gathered, her mother isn't in the picture-" There it was. That fucking condescending tone. "-And that can really take a toll on a kid. Especially with how young she is—"

"She's perfectly fine." 

"All I'm asking is that you consider it if things get worse. Maybe talk it through with someone. Her grandparents maybe?"

Ha. No, they have never been - and will never be - an option. When he told them that Charlotte was pregnant they told him that they wanted no part in any of it. He moved out before he was even eighteen, working his ass off so that he could keep a roof over their heads before the baby came. His parents magically changed their minds after she was born when the idea of having a little granddaughter suddenly sounded appealing to them. Of course, he denied them that. 

Charlotte ended up sticking around for about a year. By then they were both already eighteen and married. She skipped town, leaving behind signed divorce papers and her grandparents' house somewhere in Austin. Oh, and a daughter. A daughter who had already cried to him because she didn't understand why her friend Amy had a mommy but she didn't. 

"I said she's fine." 

The woman sighed and raised her palms in surrender, just in time for his little girl to run up to him. "Daddy!" she called out and leaped into his arms. He eagerly scooped her up and kissed her little face. Her hair was sectioned into two tiny pigtails, just the way she liked. She was wearing the little pink dress that Charlotte's mother had bought her 'for Church'. He tried returning it, given that he barely even spoke to them, but Sarah loved it so much that he decided to let her have it. It's not like he could afford anything as nice for her on his own.

"Hey there, baby girl." 

"I drew you a picture, look!" She babbled and dangled a piece of paper in front of his face. The drawing was mostly shapes and squiggles, but he could recognize three little stick figures in the middle. Two 'boy figures' and a princess in a pretty pink dress and long blond hair. "Thas' you an' Uncle Tommy," she proudly declared. 

"Oh yeah?" He squinted a little and pointed at the princess stick figure that was obviously supposed to represent her. "I hate to break it to you sweetie, but I don' think Uncle Tommy's hair is that long." 

She broke out into a fit of giggles and began whining. "No, Daddy tha's me!" 

"That's you?" He pretended to look at the photo harder. "Nah, this princess ain't nearly as pretty as the one I got at home." 

She laughed again. It was the most beautiful sound in the whole goddamn world. 

*

Joel often thought of that memory when he missed Sarah the most. But now, the memory came rushing back because he suddenly felt the same possessiveness as he did that day. A desperate need to prove that he knew what was best for his daughter.  

"What did you just say?"

Eric stood his ground, crossing his arms over his chest. "You heard me." 

"I'm gon' pretend I didn't." He barked and stepped closer until he was no longer standing in the doorway. There was no way, no way in hell, that this man was trying to keep his Ellie away from him. He couldn't be that fucking stupid. 

"You do that," the doctor replied. "But I cannot, in good conscience, let you leave here with that girl." 

For the first time since St. Mary's, Joel was in complete shock. A part of him wanted to lunge at the man, pinning him to the wall and giving him a piece of his mind - he'd killed for far less - while another part wanted to burst out laughing at the absurdity of his words. 

He looked over at Eric's wife, who had since straightened her posture, aligning herself with her husband and silently agreeing with him. Oh, they really were that fucking stupid, huh?

Joel clenched his jaw. "Where's Ellie?" He didn't actually want her to be in the room with them, because he was a hundred percent sure things were about to get ugly. He just wanted to know that she was safe enough until he could get to her.

"A few days ago,"  Eric started, his question flying over his head. "You came into the clinic and asked about chemical burns, and the next thing I know, Ellie's arm is bandaged. You wanna explain that to me?"

His stomach twisted with the realization. Jesus, Ellie, you had one job! He immediately opened his mouth to protest but the doctor beat him to it. "And don't give me that 'she spilled hot water on herself' bullshit. I'm not buying it." 

Joel's glare deepened and he found it harder and harder to maintain composure. He took a step closer and dropped his voice to a dangerously low tone. "What? You think I would hurt my own daughter?" 

"If that's even what she is..." 

Now he raised his voice again, resisting the urge to beat some fucking sense into that man. "What?"

"I mean, the girl doesn't look like you, for starters." Eric mocked, clearly trying to get a reaction out of him. "Not to mention that she doesn't even call you 'dad'. I wonder...what would a fifty-something-year-old man be doing with a fourteen-year-old girl?" 

That's when the remainder of Joel's patience vanished and he lunged himself at the man, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt. "Finish that fucking thought!" He warned. "I dare you." 

Robin shrieked as her husband struggled to break free, but Joel ignored her. He was probably breaking every damn rule this town had put in place, but he didn't care. They thought that he was hurting Ellie. Not only that, but they were accusing him of, what, touching her? It was almost funny.

He was eternally grateful that his child was not present to witness this. If she heard this man suggest doing something so heinous to her, her mind would spin. She didn't need those thoughts weighing on her, not with so many already keeping her awake at night. She shouldn't have associated him with something like that; she was far too fragile.

And so, the screaming match began. 

"I know people like you," Eric warned, and Joel clenched his jaw so hard it hurt. "Who the fuck do you think you are, huh?" He shouted back.

"Stop!" Robin tried desperately to separate them but to no avail. Fortunately, Joel had enough sense to know that he wouldn't hurt the woman, but he couldn't say the same for her husband. He'd broken the bones of men who'd simply looked at him funny, so there was no denying the damage he could cause now that his kid was involved.

Still, despite everything, he held back. "There's no need for this to get ugly," he said through gritted teeth. "Jus' give me my daughter and we're done. Simple as that." But the man didn't cower. "Yeah? Or what?"

Joel promised himself a long time ago that he would never let anyone take his daughter away from him. It was about time he followed through on his promise. Without further thought, he formed a fist and struck. Hard. Eric stumbled back, his hand immediately coming up to adjust his jaw. Tommy suddenly dashed into the foyer as the front door swung open, followed by Maria. "Jesus Christ," he exclaimed as he yanked his brother away from Eric. Robin rushed to her husband's side, wiping some blood from his lips with her sleeve. That's when Joel's ears stopped ringing and he was able to process everything that had just happened. He looked at his sister-in-law, who had her hand over her mouth in surprise. He didn't care how they found him at the time; he just wished they had done so after he had beaten some sense into the man

"What the hell is going on here?" Tommy asked, stepping between Joel and the Changs. "Goddammit- y'all couldn't figure this shit out without the kids in the house?" He scolded, his gaze pinned on his brother. 

Joel breathed through his nose, fists still clenched by his sides. "Eric over here—" he began, gesturing at the man that was still hunched over the floor. "—Seems to think that I laid my hands on Ellie."

"What?" His brother turned to look at the doctor. "What?" He turned to Maria next, who seemed just as confused as him. 

"Why don't you tell them how Ellie got those bandages then, Joel?" Eric spat out once he was finally upright and Tommy had to physically restrain Joel from lunging at the man again. "You watch your fucking mouth!" 

He scoffed. "No, really, how much of what you've said is actually true? Matter of fact, I don't think I even buy that whole 'dead daughter sob story'."

Joel felt his heart skip a beat. Sob story? He couldn't move, couldn't believe what he was hearing. Surprisingly, it wasn't him that started yelling again, but Tommy. "What the fuck did you just say?" 

The ringing in his ears returned and he couldn't help but let out a humorless laugh. He turned to brace himself on something - anything, stopping dead in his tracks once he saw Ellie standing in the doorway. She was looking up at him, her big green eyes glistening with guilt.

"Joel?"

Shit. Of course, she went to find Tommy. He'd told her several times that if there was ever any trouble, she should call either him or Maria. He didn't expect the trouble to come from him, though. Joel shut his eyes for a moment, barely listening to Tommy's shouts as he tried to keep his mind focused. 

Maria ended up walking up to her, bracing her by her shoulders. "Ellie, honey, you can't be here right now."

"No- fuck that!" She tore the woman's arms off her and turned to him again. "Joel?" 

He couldn't think. Couldn't move. All he knew was that he couldn't let her stand there and listen to any of this. Tommy and Eric must've realized that she was there as well because they quickly shut themselves up. Ellie's eyes scanned everyone's faces and frowned. "Do I not get a say in this?"

"Ellie," He tried to calm her, but nothing else came out. She hesitantly stepped inside. "Joel's not fucking hurting me!" She stressed, her voice breaking a little. "Why didn't anyone ask me anything? Why doesn't anyone ever ask me about what I need?

Joel's brows furrowed in confusion. This had nothing to do with the situation at hand. It went deeper than that.

Once again, Maria stepped forward and put a hand on her shoulder. "Ellie, why don't you wait outside and let us talk this out? We'll come get you later."

Ellie scoffed and turned to him, hoping that he'd back her up, but Maria was right. She should not have been there. Not now. The woman rubbed her forehead and sighed. "Tommy, can you take her outside please?"

"I'm going!" Ellie snapped and hurried outside, bumping his shoulder on her way. Joel wanted to follow her, but he needed to fix this first. Maria shot Tommy a look and he followed her instead, glaring at Eric and Robin in the process. 

Now it was Maria's turn to speak, her hands resting on her hips. "Look, I don't know what just happened, but I can tell you that I also wasn't Joel's biggest fan-" Wow, good start. "-That being said, I know him enough to see that he is probably the most overprotective asshole I've ever met- No offense." 

None taken, she was right. 

"And I am absolutely confident that Joel would never lay a hand on Ellie." Joel knew that Maria didn't seem to trust him fully, so the fact that she was on his side spoke volumes. "Also, did nobody talk to Ellie about any of this? Really?"

Maria scoffed as everyone lowered their heads in shame. "I'm not sure what kind of savior complex y'all got going on, but enough is enough. Now, if you really wanna help that little girl, you're gonna listen to her when she tells you that she's fine. Got it?"

Joel and Eric made eye contact for a brief moment, their postures still stiff as ever. There was no denying the tension in the room, though it looked like they no longer wanted to tear each other to pieces. 

"Alright, we're getting somewhere..." Maria added and sighed. 

The whole conversation lasted only a few minutes, though it felt like hours. By the end of it, everyone mumbled out the closest thing to an apology to each other; the Changs claiming that they were only looking out for Ellie. That didn't really mean shit to him. They all agreed that, from now on, they were gonna remain civil to each other for the kids' sake, though any chance at a so-called friendship had already been shattered. A relief, almost.

Tommy had brought Ellie home because it seemed like the only logical thing to do. Joel's mind was still foggy as he and Maria walked down the street. They were both extremely quiet until Maria decided to break the silence. "That was the worst thing you could've possibly done," she said. "I'm letting you off with a warning because you're family, but if you try anything like that again you're out of here." 

He didn't respond and she continued. "I'm also scheduling you for patrol. Three weeks minimum." Again, he stayed quiet, not that she was expecting him to talk. "How's Ellie gonna benefit from this? Huh?"

"That ain't something you need to be worryin' about." He finally answered in a monotone voice. "You're right," the woman agreed. "It's something you need to be worrying about. And yet, you're out here doing stupid shit like this. Breaking people's faces and God knows what else."

"He had it coming."

"I don't give a shit. We don't do things like that here, you hear me?" 

They both went quiet again, but Joel could tell that she had yet another lecture saved up for him. "I know you wanna do right by her, Joel, but this isn't how it's done."

"And what do you think I shoulda done?" He barked. "Would you prefer it if I told 'em about her condition? Huh?" 

"I think you need to learn to lie better." She answered way too calmly. "Especially if you're planning on putting her in these kinds of situations."

She was right, though Joel would never admit it. They finally made it to his house, welcomed by Tommy and Ellie sitting on the steps of his porch. While they were still out of earshot, Maria turned to him again and then just looked at him for a while. "Do better," was all she offered before she walked over to her husband. Do better. 

He took a deep breath before making his way over to Ellie. She looked at him briefly, then immediately turned her gaze away. He didn't push it just yet. Instead, he wished his brother a good night, letting him know that there were gonna be plenty of opportunities to talk this through, and tonight wasn't one of them. 

Once he and Ellie were finally alone, she didn't even bother sticking around for too long, climbing the stairs to her room. 
"Ellie," Joel called after her, and she turned to face him. "C'mere." He urged and she walked up to him with a roll of her eyes.

They looked at each other for a long while, neither knowing what to say. It was all too much. Between her burn, the Fireflies coming to Jackson and now this, they were both exhausted. After some time he gently cupped her cheeks and knelt so that he could see her better. "You know that I would never, ever, even dream about hurting you, right?" He needed to make that clear. More than anything, he did. 

She looked at him for a moment or two before nodding. "I know." 

That's all that mattered for now, that she could still trust him. He needed to get his shit together. If not for himself, then for her. He smiled and pulled her close. She didn't hug him back.

Chapter Text

Ellie couldn't sleep, and Joel, it appeared, couldn't either. She could hear the floorboards creaking for the third time that night as he made his way downstairs. That seemed to be the only sound allowed by the night; even the crickets were unusually quiet. So she focused on her breathing and tried to listen to his movement downstairs.

This exhaustion was different from the others. No nightmares were keeping her awake. No voices yelling at her or illusions mocking her.  Just guilt, simmering deep within her chest.

That night, she went to bed without saying goodnight to him, hoping he'd chalk it up to her having a bad day. He still came to tuck her in like he did every night, but she pretended to be asleep this time so she wouldn't have to talk to him. He kissed her temple and smoothed her hair, his touch lingering for a few seconds longer than usual, whether he believed it or not.

Ellie wasn't ready to talk to him about anything. Neither the Fireflies, Eric, or...him.
Cat got to her, no matter how hard she tried to deny it. She made her wonder if the whole 'family thing' she and Joel had was a good idea. It had made her soft - far softer than she had ever imagined herself getting - and she didn't like it. She didn't like herself anymore.

She was always scared, almost skittish now. She was also far too reliant on Joel. No kid her age was that desperate for an adult to be around, especially not a paternal-type figure. Acting like a fucking baby wasn't gonna do her any good anyway. 

Her head was still fuzzy from everything that happened with Eric. Joel could've very easily killed him if he had the chance, no doubt about it. That was fucking terrifying; the lengths he'd go for her. It was sweet when it was just the two of them on the road but now it was too much.

She took a glance at the time. 3:02 AM. Shit. Ellie had promised Joel that she would go with him to work, but she couldn't even close her eyes and sleep.

Ellie listened to Joel's slow, heavy steps as he returned upstairs for the third time. His footsteps came to a halt outside her bedroom door, and she shook her head, pretending to sleep. He didn't go in, but he stood outside her room for a long time before returning to his own. Ellie's eyelids eventually gave up the fight, lowering her to restless sleep.

*

Not even five hours later, Joel's soft touch awoke her. "Ellie," He asked and gently nudged her shoulder. She groaned and buried her face deeper into the pillow. "Come on kiddo, we gotta get going soon."

"I don't wanna..." She mumbled and tried to doze off for a few extra minutes. "You feelin' alright?" He asked and placed his palm on her forehead, making her cringe in response. "Well, you ain't warm-"

"I'm fine." Ellie sat up and tore his hand away from her. "I just didn't sleep well." Or a lot.

Joel sighed. "Look, if you're not feelin' up for it-"

"No- " she had to go. It was the only way to prove herself to him. Maybe then he could see that she didn't need him all that much. "It's fine, I'll go."

"You sure? I can probably ask Tommy to-"

"I said it's fine." The last thing she needed right now was for Tommy to get involved. "I'll be down in a minute." 

Joel didn't look convinced but decided to just leave her be. The second he closed her door on his way out, Ellie felt a huge wave of guilt wash over her. She shouldn't be picking fights with him this early in the day, especially for something that wasn't even his fault. 

She put on a pair of dirty jeans - Joel told her not to dress 'fancy' since the construction site wasn't exactly clean - and a short sleeve shirt with the words 'I Need More Space' printed above a graphic of an astronaut. Joel got it for her about a week ago and it, ironically enough, managed to sum up exactly how she felt about their relationship.

She stared at her reflection for a little longer than usual after brushing her teeth. Her hair was a mess. It's always been a mess, that's why she kept it in a ponytail at all times. That, and she didn't like it when hair touched her neck. 
It was longer now than it was back in Boston and - thanks to Maria's friend Sue who made homemade soaps and shampoos - less greasy, which made brushing easier. 

It was weird, but Ellie couldn't quit thinking about whether Dina was having any issues with her hair. She had incredible hair. It was thick and long and so very soft. It also smelled nice. Every time she hugged her, Ellie made a mental note to herself to try and find exactly what shampoo she was using. 

Riley struggled with her hair a lot. She'd toss and turn all night because she either wrapped it up too tight or not tight enough. One time she traded three of her best guns to a girl that was a little bit older than her, just so she could do her hair. 

Cat, on the other hand, kept her hair pretty short. Almost as short as Sarah wore hers in that one photo Joel kept on his bedside table, the one after the soccer game. Cat had bangs though, and her hair was a lot thicker and darker than Sarah's. 

She didn't know why, maybe it was the hassle of doing her hair every day, but Ellie suddenly found herself wishing her hair was shorter. 

After a few extra minutes, she finally walked downstairs and met Joel before the door. He smiled at her and she quickly noticed the dark circles resting under his eyes. Has he slept at all?
"Ready to go, kiddo?" 

"Mhm," she nodded but stopped once she noticed him staring at her exposed arm. It was too warm for long sleeves in the afternoons, even he couldn't deny that. "What?" She pushed. He wasn't really gonna make her wear a flannel over her shirt, was he?

"Nothin'." He said, but she could tell that he wasn't happy about her decision. 

The construction site was on the other side of the town, which made the silence between them even worse. It was clear that he wanted to talk to her about the whole Eric thing - or maybe the Firefly thing...
There was too much happening and Ellie didn't know how much more she could take.

"How long are you gonna have to do patrol for?" She asked suddenly, trying to keep him from speaking first. "Tommy said that Maria's probably gonna sign you up because of what you did to Eric."

Joel raised his eyebrows at her and scoffed. "Three weeks- but it's only for a couple of hours. Should be done before lunch." 

"When are you starting?" Her voice was still as she tried her best not to look at him. 

"Monday. I'll probably have to leave before you wake up though." He was being so nice to her, so calm, and she just had to unleash her bad mood onto him. "Don't worry, I'll send-"

"-You'll send Tommy over to watch me. Yeah, I know." She cut him off, trying to see if he'd yell at her or not. Maybe Dr. Chang wasn't that wrong. Maybe, if she pushed him far enough, he'd actually strike her once or twice for her big fucking mouth. 'Why don't you tell them how Ellie got those bandages then, Joel?'

Yeah. She overheard a lot of shit last night. 

Joel didn't hurt her, and he would never hurt her. It was obvious by the painful expression on his face as he took anything she threw at him. "Ellie-"

"I don't wanna talk about it." She didn't know what he was gonna say, but she had a vague idea of where the conversation was headed. Joel sighed once more but remained silent. Wow, Ellie, you sure know how to mess everything up.

Joel was running out of things to say to her. Everything about this situation was very delicate. Ellie was very delicate. 

He didn't sleep last night, Eric's words keeping his demons company. "Matter of fact, I don't think I even buy that whole 'dead daughter sob story'."  Jesus fucking Christ he should've killed him. He was actually still amazed that he didn't. 

Ever since the Outbreak, Joel's been labeled 'a ticking bomb' by his brother, Tess, and whatever miserable soul happened to find themselves in his company. He wasn't stupid, he knew why that was the case. He'd shot Jimmy Cooper in the head when he got too close to Sarah, didn't even think twice about it. He murdered an entire hospital for Ellie with no hesitation and still didn't feel any guilt about it. 

He could kill so easily when it came to his kids. That wasn't a product of Infected, no. This was always in him.

Joel hoped that taking Ellie to work with him could distract them both from...everything. He wasn't expecting her to be in such a bad mood, though. 

After what felt like hours, they finally arrived. "This is cool, I guess," Ellie commented as she observed the scenery. People were lifting, cutting, or rearranging wooden planks left and right. There were a few nailing stations where the teenagers worked. Teenagers usually meant seventeen to eighteen-year-olds but he reckoned he could make an exception for Ellie. 

He caught a glimpse of one of the stations. Only one kid was working on it today; a skinny boy with long blonde hair that he never kept tied up - despite being told repeatedly to do so - whose name Joel couldn't remember even if he tried. 

"So, I was thinkin' you could do some hammering today," he turned to Ellie and nudged his head in the direction of the station. "So you do hammer nails," Ellie pointed out and Joel could've sworn he heard a hint of pride in her tone. Good. She was already simmering down.  

"Yeah, well, I reckon that's about as easy as it gets."

"Well put me one level up then," She crossed her arms over her chest. "I can handle it." 

Joel snorted. "See that?" He pointed at one of the workers driving a truck. "That's one level up."
Ellie's eyes quickly widened and he began to realize his mistake. "Whoah, dude!" She gasped. "I wanna do that!"

"Alright you little shit, keep it moving," he said and nudged her in the right direction. She rolled her eyes and let out the longest sigh imaginable. When they got close enough she turned to him again. "Who's that?" She asked and gestured at the kid already at the station. 

"Don't worry 'bout him. He's a good kid." He reassured and Ellie raised her eyebrows at him. "You don't know his name, do you?" 

He didn't. Not that it mattered.

"More walkin', less talkin'." Joel said and pushed them forward, hiding a smile that had just blossomed onto his face. 

The kid lifted his head when they got close enough and ran his fingers through his hair. "Oh, hey Mr. Miller. Sorry, I came in so early but I needed an excuse to ditch patrol."

"Tha's alright, kid," Joel tried his best to keep the tiredness out of his voice as he talked to him. "This here's my daughter, Ellie. She's tagging along with me today and I was wonderin' if you could keep her busy for a little bit."

"Sure, I'd love some company," the kid smiled and looked at Ellie. "Sup kid?" He smirked and offered her a fist bump that she accepted with little to no hesitation, chuckling under her breath. "You're just gonna need some gloves, but I think we can find something that'll fit you."

"Uh, yeah okay..." She said, her posture softening a little. He didn't wanna jinx it, but Joel could've sworn that Ellie looked...relaxed. Thank Christ. Maybe this day wasn't going to be so bad after all- 

"My name's David, by the way." 

Joel's heart sank to the bottom of his fucking stomach. No. How could he have been so fucking careless? Of course, names mattered. They mattered to Ellie; she carried so many goddamn memories attached solely to names - sometimes not even faces - that it was nearly impossible to remember them all. 

He remembered the name David though. Oh God, did he remember it. Ellie woke up screaming his name countless times during winter. One night it got so bad that she tried running back to the fucking town just to make sure that monster wasn't coming back for her. 

"I gotta kill him- he's still alive- I know he is-!" She screamed. "He kept me in a cage- he- he tried to- he almost-"

Joel didn't look at her for a few seconds, too terrified to see her expression. When he did, her face was as pale as a ghost and she had taken a few steps back. He could see her chest rising and falling with each heavy breath she took. 

"Ellie-" He stepped up to her and tried to get her to pay attention to him. Before he could get close enough to touch her, she twitched and ran in the opposite direction. "Shit- Ellie!" Joel called after her but she wasn't listening to him anymore. 

"Shit, did I do something to upset her?" The kid, David, asked in a panicked voice. "I didn't mean to, I- I swear-"

"No, no you didn't do anything," Joel reassured him. He had a good heart, the kid. It wasn't his fault. It wasn't even Ellie's. "Just- let me go deal with this, alright? You just keep on workin'."

The guy still looked scared. "I'm sorry..."

"Hey," as badly as Joel needed to run after Ellie, he needed to make sure this kid was okay as well. The last thing he needed was two kids losing their minds. "You didn't do anything wrong, do you hear me? She's just a real skittish kid."

He nodded. "Can I talk to her or something? Let her know I didn't mean any harm?"

"I don' think that's a good idea right now." It wasn't. 

"Well, if there's anything I can do to help let me know."

Joel gave the kid's shoulder a reassuring squeeze and nodded before finally running after Ellie. After a couple of the most terrifying minutes of searching for her, he found her sitting in a dark corner of an alley behind the bar. She was shaking, head between her knees as she rocked back and forth. 

"Ellie..." he breathed and stepped closer. Before he could get too close, she raised one of her palms at him. "Don't touch me!" She sobbed and he backed away. "Okay- okay- I won't touch you."

He stood there for a few moments, listening to her pained cries and gasps for air, before kneeling before her. "It's okay Ellie," he whispered, maintaining a safe distance between them. "You're safe."

"I'm ruined." Ellie cried out so quietly that he feared he might've imagined it. "What?"

"I'm fucking ruined!" She screamed, her head still neatly tucked away in the curve of her knees. "He- he ruined me!"

"No," Joel shut his eyes to try and stop a sea of his own tears from rushing down his cheeks. "No, baby, that's not true..."

"Shut up!" She yelled, finally lifting her head to look at him. "Shut the fuck up, Joel! Everything is ruined because of me-! I'm fucking rotten!" 

He watched her take a big gulp of air before continuing. "I lied to Dina. I told her you're my dad- but you're not! And I'm not- I'm not her-" Her being Sarah, probably. "-The Fireflies are here because I didn't wanna make a cure- Eric saw my bandages and that's why he even thought that you were-" She paused and sobbed loudly. "None of this would've happened if he never came along! He told me he'd kill you if I didn't-"

There was a long moment of silence that followed. Joel's whole body was shaking as hot tears pooled in his eyes. 
After a few seconds, Ellie continued:

"-I didn't want you to die-! I don't want you to die! And...I don't like that I have to need you all the fucking time- But I do need you!" She shut herself up after that, probably processing everything she had just said. She looked into his eyes and let out a shaky breath. "I'm sorry- I'm so sorry, Joel-"

He couldn't fight it anymore, not while she was like this. He reached out and hugged her as close to him as humanly possible, one arm buried in her hair and another neatly tucked between her shoulder blades. "Shh- shh- it's okay baby girl. It's okay, I got you." 

"Joel..." she squeaked out the words and wrapped her arms around his torso. "I don't wanna live like this anymore..."

He didn't know his heart could break so many times in a couple of minutes. He pulled her closer and kissed the crown of her head. "None of this is on you, baby," he reassured and squeezed her tighter. There was too much happening. Too many demons dancing around them at all times. 

They needed to get away, even if just for a little bit. 

Ellie cried into his chest until he pulled away, keeping her at arm's length. "You remember when we talked about triggers yesterday?"
She nodded. 
"Attagirl," he praised and cupped her face. He needed to keep her engaged in these conversations when it mattered most. "And you remember what I said?" 

"That-" she sniffled. "That they protect me-?"

"See?" he smiled and brushed her cheeks with his thumbs. "Now I finally got someone to do my job for me."

Ellie let out a strained chuckle and settled into his touch like a moth to a flame. "You are doing so good Ellie- way better than I ever could. And you're strong and funny. Now, does that sound like someone who is ruined?"

She thought about it for a while before choking out a little 'no...'

"Ellie, I've been around a lot of ruined people, so believe me when I say that none of them fought to stay alive nearly as hard as you do. You're a goddamn survivor, you hear me?"

She nodded into his palm and he brought her close again. "Nobody is gonna hurt you ever again, you hear me?"

Not now. Not ever again.

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

Tommy already woke up in a bad mood. He had around ten million tasks to complete by the end of the day, none of which were particularly enjoyable. Still, it was nothing out of the ordinary. That was, at least, until Maria informed him that his brother didn't show up for patrol that morning. On top of that, the black and white stallion he had gifted Joel was missing. Great. Fucking great. 

He overslept, Tommy told himself as he marched his way over to his brother's house. He overslept and some kid stole his horse. 
He wasn't kidding anyone, let alone himself, for that matter. Joel wasn't the most responsible person in the world, but he showed up and did the work when it mattered most. He wasn't the type to run away from his tasks...right? 

If anything, having Ellie was supposed to make him more responsible. Kids do that, don't they? Tommy was only fourteen when Joel had Sarah and, even then, he found himself biking to their house after school to 'help babysit her'. In truth, he just thought that she was a cute baby, and, even though he was only a kid, the role of her uncle seemed to fit him like a glove. 

The role of daddy fit his brother even better. By eighteen, he was already doing more than half of the adults he'd ever seen. Cooking, cleaning; all with a damn baby attached to his arm at all times. He was working multiple shifts just so he could guarantee that she would never want for anything. So why the hell would he skip patrol? 

By the time he reached their house, Tommy was almost certain that it was empty, but he still entered. He called Ellie's name first. No response. Without Ellie, there's no Joel. With that in mind, he made his way to the kitchen, trying to figure out where the hell they could've gone. A folded piece of paper on the counter quickly answered his questions. 

Tommy,
I took Ellie camping for a few days.
Should be back by the end of the week,
Joel. 

The younger Miller threw the piece of paper back to its original spot and buried his face in his palms. "God fucking damn it, Joel."

There was no point in telling Maria, she probably already knew anyway. Instead, Tommy went on with his day, thinking of things he was planning on screaming at his brother the second he stepped foot into Jackson again. 

Joel taking his girl camping wasn't even the issue. It was sweet; adorable, even. The fact that he did it now that he was already very much in debt for assaulting the town's doctor though, that wasn't gonna fly well with Maria.

If Tommy had his way, his older brother would have been assigned to stable duty and given a pat on the back simply for not killing that man. Joel had every right to knock some sense into Eric. Hell, it'd be worrying if he hadn't. Though that wasn't entirely fair either. Dr. Chang was trying to look out for Ellie, not harm her. But the way he did it; using Sarah's name in vain...that was beyond disgusting.

Tommy knew damn well that he wasn't supposed to use his niece's name around Joel. And yet, this man, who had only known Joel and Ellie for about a week, thought it was perfectly okay to not only discuss but even mock her death. What a sick fucking joke. 

That's why Tommy savored every second alone with Ellie. Joel was still very much in the stage of not sharing her with anybody, and he respected that. He needed his time with her, to make up for damn near a lifetime they had spent without each other. But damn was it good to be an uncle again. Honestly, he couldn't wait for the day when Joel would trust him enough to spend hours or even days with her. 

It was silly, but he couldn't wait to have her spend the night at his house. He already had plans to redecorate the spare bedroom in the house to her liking so it would belong only to her. 

Of course, he wasn't going to force her into anything. If Ellie never saw him as family, that was alright too. As long as she knew that she could rely on him, on any of them, that was good enough. Still, he hoped that she saw him as a less-strict version of Joel. Lord knows they needed that balance in their relationship. 

Hours passed, morning turned into evening, and Tommy was exhausted. He wanted nothing more than to go home and just sleep the day off. But suddenly, he was walking past the Tipsy Bison, the fairy lights still leftover from winter glistening with warmth; welcoming him in. He rarely found himself in bars anymore, they were always too noisy and he needed to keep his hearing in check for at least a couple more years. 

This night, however, the bar was almost empty. There was a low hum of guitar strings coming from inside, a familiar tune that Tommy hadn't heard in years. Maybe it was a sign, or maybe he just needed a break. Either way, he walked in. 

There were a few older men playing cards in their usual booth, half-empty glasses of beer beside them. Pierce, one of the council members, was on the podium strumming the oh-so-familiar tune. Seth was behind the bar, as usual, which almost made him turn around then and there. That man was like a goddamn mosquito, nagging and complaining until there was no joy left in anyone. 

Tommy made his way to the bar, nodding his head at anyone who noticed him. He ordered himself a whiskey and, before he even set the drink down, Seth was complaining again. "The ceiling's leaking again."

He couldn't help but smirk at the older man's words. "Yeah? And what are you gonna do about it?" 

The man looked offended, like that sentence alone had the power of burning his entire house to the ground with his dog still in it. But Tommy was pretty sure that Seth hated dogs. Or maybe it was just the overall joy he hated. Not much difference regardless. 

"I thought you were in charge of this place," he grumbled and started wiping glasses again. Upon further inspection, there were far more dirty glasses than there were clean ones. Wasn't Seth supposed to be watching his cholesterol by now? Given his pre-historic age. 

"Nobody's in charge here, Seth. You know that." Tommy answered with a tiredness to his tone. He eyed the men at the booth, one of them making eye contact and forming a pistol with his fingers, blowing his imaginary brains out. Yeah, that pretty much explained what it was like to talk to Seth. 

He finished his drink in peace, more or less. There were a few remarks from the grey-haired man about how things used to be better in 'the olden days'. How this country wasn't great anymore or whatnot. How tone-deaf do you have to be for that to be your main concern during a goddamn apocalypse? It was kinda funny.

"Alright," he slid the empty glass back to him. "What do I owe ya?" 

"It's all been taken care of," Seth claimed and vaguely gestured in the far right corner of the bar. Tommy furrowed his brows in confusion and followed his gaze, quickly spotting the middle-aged Asian man sitting far away from him, a big bruise decorating his cheek. Oh, you've gotta be kidding.

Tommy scoffed and thanked Seth -though he didn't deserve it- before making his way to Eric, who was avoiding eye contact at all costs. 

"You buyin' me drinks now?" He asked, his jaw ever-so-slightly clenched. 

The doctor shrugged. "What else is there to do?"

"You can try staying away from my family, how 'bout that?" 
Sure, he was being a little harsh, but this man tried to keep Ellie away from her only family out of assumptions.

Eric looked at him, the left side of his face was a little swollen from where Joel hit him. Good hit, Tommy thought to himself. "Look," he started. "I'm not trying to make things any worse than they already are. Can we just...call it even?" 

"Call it even?" Tommy leaned his weight on his palms. Oh, sure, Eric. You accused my brother of abusing and touching my niece and then refused to let him take her home but a whiskey is gonna magically change that. "You don't think you should be buying my brother those drinks? Maybe getting Ellie some goddamn candy or somethin'?" 

"Right, like he'd accept anything I gave him." 

He was thinking more along the lines of not letting him within thirty feet of Ellie, but that worked too. Tommy sighed and rubbed the worry lines on his forehead for what must've been the millionth time that day. Eric was a good man, always was. He didn't mean any harm, but Tommy couldn't just forgive that insult toward Sarah.

"Matter of fact, I don't think I even buy that whole 'dead daughter sob story'."

"Look," he gentled his tone a bit. "I know you were trying to help- I'm glad you...care so much." He leaned his weight on his palms and glared at the doctor. "But if you ever say anything like that about either one of my nieces, I will fucking end you."

He needed to make it known that, as much as this town meant to him, his family was always gonna come first. Always and forever. 

"We clear?"

He probably shouldn't have been glaring at him because Eric's face twisted with horror as he nodded. 

"Good," Tommy finally softened his posture before turning to leave. "Give our best regards to Robin."

The cold evening air washed over his face, allowing him to bathe in his pride for a moment or two. It felt good to finally have something to fight for again. It reminded him jut how similar he was to Joel at his core. It felt good.

Chapter Text

Breathe in. Keep your shoulders stiff. Fix your footing. Aim. Breathe out. Shoot.

The bullet hit a nearby tree, spooking the deer in the process. "Motherfucker!" Ellie swore and tossed the rifle on the ground. That was the fourth time she had missed her target this morning, and it was starting to feel pathetic. 

"Hey- hey- easy girl, it's alright. You'll get it next time," Joel reassured her like he had the prior three times. He wasn't lying to anyone; even Ellie could tell he was exhausted. She sat, bringing her knees to her chest, and buried her nose in the curve. "That was the fourth deer today, Joel."

He sighed. "We'll...try again later, okay?"
She scoffed and leaned her head against a rock. He was always patient with her and never pushed her unless he was confident she could handle it. The problem was that she could handle this. She knew how to hunt and she was good at it. So why was this time so different?

Joel could've packed enough food for the whole week, but no, they had to hunt. Well, she had to hunt. Joel wanted to ensure she knew how to fire a gun, which was bullshit. He'd said, multiple times, that she was the best shot out there. Was.

"Can't you do it?" she tilted her chin to look at him. "I don't think I'll be able to..." 

He sat down next to her and pursed his lips. "I can," he said. "But I think you should do it." Ellie furrowed her brows at him. "But I'm no good at this! You saw it- I can't even shoot one fucking deer."

"Hey- no, Ellie, you are a great shot- I know you are. And I think you know it too." He tried to meet her eyes but she turned her head away from him. "What's this about? Cos I know this ain't just you bein' sloppy."

She shook her head. It's not like she wanted to get it wrong over and again. To be honest, she hadn't shot or killed anything since winter. Not even infected. She almost shot Marlene, but that was about as close as she got. Her last kill before David was a deer. A really big one too. It was her first time hunting something that big, especially by herself. Of course, David had to ruin that for her too. She didn't even get to bring it home; didn't get to feed them. 

"Look, kiddo, if you don't wanna hunt today, that's fine. But I need to make sure that you won't freeze up when it matters most."

Ellie shot him a look. "I didn't freeze up! I just- I can't-" 

"Ellie." He cut her off, his tone was somehow still gentle as ever. "It's just a deer, alright, it ain't the end of the world. “But-" there's always a fucking 'but'. "-I need to make sure that if a clicker comes runnin' at you, you'll be able to protect yourself."

This was all coming from a man who wouldn't let her hold a gun for weeks and told her to stay back while he took care of infected. Phs. What a joke. "I can do it!" she snapped. "I can take care of myself just fine- I have!" 

"I know that-"

She didn't feel like listening to his excuses so she got up and started walking away. "Kill your own fucking deer then!" she spat and kicked the firearm toward Joel. He didn't get up to follow her, didn't make any physical motion to stop her. "Where are you going?" he called after her.

"I'm gonna drown myself in a fucking lake- where do you think??"

Ellie returned to their camp, kicking rocks with stiff legs along the way. She plopped herself on the log next to the horse, who was enjoying his breakfast while she and Joel starved because she couldn't shoot a fucking deer. Well, maybe starved wasn't the right word. They'd been in the woods for three days now, and while it was the most fun she'd had in forever, it didn't stop the childish fights from making an appearance. 

This wasn't gonna turn into one of those big fights, she knew it wasn't, but she could still be a little mad at him. Ellie grabbed Pegasus' bucket and walked over to the river, filling it up and bringing it to the horse.
"Need to make sure that you won't freeze up- who the fuck does he think is?" She complained and held the bucket out for the horse. "I can kill infected better than he ever could! -And he knows it too!" 

The horse didn't even twitch at her little outburst, not even a shake of the ear. Still, Ellie continued. "If it weren't for me he'd be very dead by now!" She tilted her head at the horse, almost as if she were expecting a reaction. "I'm the best fucking shot in Jackson! If Joel wants a deer, I'll get him a deer! I'll get him so many fucking deers he won't know what to do with them- shit!" 

The bucket suddenly slipped out of her grip, landing on the ground and splashing poor Pegasus in the process. The horse gave a loud whine and jumped in place a little, struggling against his restraints. Ellie quickly began brushing her fingers along his nose, whispering calming words into his ear. "Shh- shh- it's okay buddy- you're okay." 

The horse quickly calmed himself down and Ellie leaned her forehead against his. "I'm sorry. I know you don't give a shit about this." The horse's breath tickled her face a bit and she giggled. "I wish I could just prove that I can take care of myself, y'know?" She looked into the animal's eyes, studying her reflection in them. "Don't look at me like that!"

Pegasus blinked a few times, almost as if he was trying to communicate something. Ellie blew out a breath. "Fine, I'll apologize to him. And I'll bring you more water too..." 

It was always funny just how quickly she could tire herself out. Joel said that it was a good trait to have. Maybe he was right about some things. 

It only took one bullet to bring the runner to the ground. Then another, just to make sure that it was dead. Then another. And another...

"Goddamit, Abby!" Owen yelled and pulled her away for the infected whose head had been blown into nothing but mush. Her finger was still squeezing the gun's trigger, even though there were probably no rounds remaining for her to shoot. She was angry and she wanted to hurt something. Patrol felt like a good enough reason to do so. 

Her boyfriend turned her around to face him, extracting the gun from her grip. "What the fuck are you doing?" he scolded. "You wanna waste all of our ammo? What if there's a fucking horde or something?"

Abby scoffed. "Not like those little things are gonna do us any good in that case."
Jackson only allowed them to use pistols for the time being. They didn't think that teenagers should be trusted with anything bigger. At least not for patrols. 

She leaned her back on the wall of a seemingly abandoned gas station that they managed to stumble upon. Turns out the fucker was full of runners. Good target practice, at least. 

"What the hell's going on with you?" Owen pushed. "You're never this reckless-"
"Yeah well, maybe I should start. You're always saying how I try too hard."
"Abs, I am being serious!"
"So am I!"

They've only been in Jackson for a week and they've already been sent out on patrol. To be honest, Abby couldn't figure out why everyone seemed to be okay with it. Her dad insisted that she started going. Fucking prick. 
Everyone seemed to have moved on from St. Mary's. Even Owen. Fucking Owen. In many ways, he wasn't all that different from Mel. They both clung to her dad's every word, like two little puppies.

It didn't make sense; why was everyone just okay with everything and Abby wasn't? Was something wrong with her? No. No, she was the only sane one here. She was practically raised by Fireflies. She saw what they did and how they fought. They weren't perfect, not even close, and Abby's seen them kill people for meaningless things before.

So why did Joel Miller get to live? Because he had a kid? What about those people he killed? Weren't they someone's kids? Someone's parents?

It wasn't fucking fair.

"He's hiding something." There was no need to explain who she was talking about. She had drowned Owen with her fears and theories about her dad and his involvement in...well, everything. Owen shot her that same exhausted look that he had previously, but she dismissed him. "I know he is!"

"And what if he is?" He shrugged. "No, really, what would change?"

Abby tilted her head and studied his features. "I thought you were on my side," she said. "You're supposed to be the one person on my side here."

He lowered his face into his palms and took a few steps away from her. "I am," he said, but she wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of lying right to her face. "No-" she fought back. "No, right now, you're being a dick!" 

They were both quiet again; there were no words that could make this better. 

"I miss Nora," she admitted after a few moments. "Why couldn't she just come with us?" 

"She said she had family somewhere out West," Owen gentled his tone. He was always calmer when they talked about their friends. She raised her eyebrows at him. "You believe that?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. But she seemed determined." 

"That gets you killed." 
That's something her dad always used to say. Maybe he was right. 

"Yeah, or it can save your ass," her boyfriend smiled and Abby felt her muscles unclench a bit. He always knew exactly what to say to her. It's a shame he had to be a total asshole first. "We should head back before more of these fuckers show up," he said and handed her some of his ammo. "Don't go crazy on me again, okay?"

"Fuck you." 

"Don't make promises you can't keep."

Abby followed suit, pretending like she didn't notice how quickly he switched the subject. If she couldn't trust her dad, and she couldn't trust Owen, who else was there?

Ellie sprang out of her sleeping bag with an extra burst of energy on the fourth morning. She tip-toed towards the entrance of their makeshift shelter, careful not to wake Joel from his deep slumber. With a stroke of luck, he remained passed out, allowing her to snatch his shotgun and slip out unnoticed.

Although she felt a twinge of guilt for sneaking out, the importance of her mission outweighed any potential scolding from Joel. She was determined to get them that fucking deer.

As she crept through the woods, Ellie felt a rush of adrenaline coursing through her veins. She was on high alert, scanning the trees and listening for any signs of danger. But despite her nerves, she remained focused on her goal.

Finally, after what felt like hours of stalking through the underbrush, she spotted a beautiful buck clearing up ahead. It was grazing peacefully, unaware of her presence. It was so big; so powerful. If she brought this back to Joel, he'd have to be proud of her. She quickly raised the shotgun and aimed.

Breathe in. Keep your shoulders stiff. Fix your footing. Aim. Breathe out. Shoot.

That's all she had to do. 

But then the memories came rushing back. A locked cage and a plate of food filled up to the rim. She felt the taste of bile rising in her throat as her hands began to shake. 

"What is it?"

He smiled at her- no, he laughed at her. Mocked her. Looking her up and down, making sure that she was what he wanted. It was weird just how much he resembled a man. That was no man. It may as well have been the devil himself, dressed up all nice and hiding behind a cross. He was so much bigger than her...

"It's deer."

Was it? Jesus, she still didn't know if she believed him. These people- these men, had no problem chopping up people right in front of her. Why wouldn't they feed them to her? She thought about that often; did she eat human meat that day? 

It looked like deer. Smelled like it too. Did it taste like deer meat though? She and Joel were starving for a good while before he got hurt, so she hadn't eaten deer in fucking forever. Was it possible that she had forgotten the taste of it?

Ellie remembered how hungry she was in that cage. Fuck, even if it had been human meat, she still stuffed her cheeks with it. She tried to ignore the extra chewy parts, she truly did, but it didn't stop her mind from making up the worst scenarios. 

Then his hands were on hers, and he looked like the hungry one. That spark in his eyes...that's not something good men have. Joel never looked at her like that. Like he was ready to swallow her whole. He was taller than her, sure, but he never once towered over her as David had. 

By the end of it, the fact that they were eating people didn't even scare her anymore. Ellie understood huger. She knew what it was like to starve, and the things people did for food. But then there was the sound of his belt unbuckling as he held her throat, and that was what scared her. 

He said that the people in his group were starving, but it was clear that he always got the biggest portion at supper. 
He was strong. Way too strong for a starving man. And yet, his eyes widened each time Ellie allowed fear to creep into her eyes. He was hungry, and she was all he wanted. 

One hit. That's all it took for him to bleed. Another one and his face was split in half. His blood was thick and black, staining everything in sight with its darkness. She lost count of the hits by the time his face was unrecognizable. Caved into itself like the skin on her forearm. 

She won. She lived. 

The shot echoed through the woods. 

There was an agonizing cry of an animal and a thud to the ground. "Holy shit..." She quickly ran in the direction of the sound until she reached the buck, still and dead on the ground. The sight of dead things was never something happy, but now it might as well have been the best thing in the world. "Holy shit!"

She did it. All by herself. 

Ellie eagerly grabbed hold of the animal by its antlers and began dragging it back to their camp with everything she had. It was one hell of a job, given that she was a 14-year-old girl who couldn't have weighed more than ninety pounds in her sorry state. But she did it. Just like she knew she could. 

"Joel!" She called out when she got close enough. "Joel check this out!"

Her dad bolted out of the tent, nearly tripping over his own feet. His revolver was clutched tightly in his hand, his guard up and ready for anything. Perhaps waking him up with a shout wasn't the wisest decision, considering he's...him. But as soon as he laid eyes on her unharmed form, he breathed a sigh of relief and relaxed.

"I did it!" she exclaimed, twirling on her tiptoes with glee. "I got the deer! Look!"

Joel couldn't help but feel a sense of pride and joy at her accomplishment. He let out a contented sigh and ran a hand over his forehead, smoothing out the worry lines that had formed. Approaching her with a smile, he inspected the buck with a critical eye, nodding in approval as Ellie eagerly awaited his verdict.

"Ellie this..." He chuckled to himself and looked up at her. "It's huge...how'd you-"

"I just aimed and shot like you showed me."

"That's a mighty clean shot..." he commented and traced the outline of the bullet wound. That was the first time that Ellie had paid attention to it if she were being honest, but Joel was right. It was a clean shot to the side, killing the thing almost immediately. 

"I do okay?" she asked as panic filled her chest. Joel raised his eyebrows at her. "Are you kiddin'? Ellie this is incredible!"

That one praise meant more to her than anything else in the whole world. She leaned into his side with a sigh of relief and he quickly pulled her close. "At least we have food, right?" She smirked up at him and he laughed. 

"Y'know kid, I'm pretty sure this thing can feed half of Jackson for at least a few weeks." 

He was exaggerating, she knew he was, but damn did it feel good. 

She fucking did it. 

Chapter Text

A week passed as quickly and quietly as Joel had hoped. For Ellie, at least. He never woke to find her curled into a ball, haunted by her demons. Unfortunately, the same could not be said for him.

It was almost embarrassing how many times his brain confused his kids’ faces. Ellie's hair seemed to change colors every time he caught a fleeting glance of her, even if it was just for a second. Sometimes, he could've sworn her eyes had turned blue when the sun hit them at just the right angle. For a second, it looked like she had his eyes.  

It was as if his mind was playing tricks on him, making distinguishing between the two girls difficult. That's something that only happened back when he first met Ellie. She was her height; that was the first thing he noticed when he first got a good look at her. She was her age too. 

He never saw Ellie as a replacement for Sarah. Maybe his brain just couldn't understand why he was feeling this way again. After two decades of not feeling anything, the human brain tends to forget what it's like when you do.

Joel woke up in a state of panic last night, drenched in a cold sweat. The same recurring nightmare once again plagued his mind, leaving him unsettled and anxious. He turned to look at the sleeping girl to his right, and his brain couldn't figure out who she was. It was almost as if he was seeing her for the first time. He knew it was Ellie deep down - of course, he knew. But she fell asleep in her ponytail again that night, and in the darkness of the tent, her hair looked shorter.

He stared at her for the rest of the night, telling himself he was just watching over her. That wasn't true. He caught himself counting each steady breath she took. He twitched every time she stirred in her sleep; her eyebrows glued together in a frown that died before he could do anything about it. It made him uneasy: not knowing what she was thinking all the time. 

Joel would never tell her any of this. He was never going to tell her that she sometimes reminded him of his first daughter so much that it physically hurt him. And no, he wasn't going to tell her that her journal fell out of her backpack when he was packing it up for her back in Jackson. 

He didn't mean to read it, honest to God he didn't. It fell on the ground when he accidentally knocked over her pack and he immediately went to pick it up. The page looked innocent enough. A few sketches of horses, Dina, and oddly enough, him. That's all it was: a few sketches. A few incredible sketches that could be hung up in a museum - and not just cause she was his kid. She had real talent.

He flicked the page without thinking, completely forgetting it was her journal. He really just wanted to see more of her drawings. To put them on the fridge or frame them and display them around the house as if they were gold. But he was only met with a lot of writing. His first reaction, of course, was to close the journal shut. Rule number one of parenting: never go snooping through your kids' stuff. Especially if they were private. 

But then he read his name in a sentence and his heart dropped.

Ellie wasn't very good at talking.  Joel wasn't great at it either, so they had to find alternatives when it counted. He resorted to killing or drinking, while she turned to art.  What a contrast, huh?

Joel wanted to say that he didn't mean to read what it said, but he also knew that would be a lie. This could answer everything that he was too afraid to ask her. What did she really think of him? He read fast, his eyes flying over the words until he found one that stuck out. One that could answer something, anything. 

Joel would never hurt me, would he?

Jesus Christ. He wanted to strangle Eric for making his girl doubt his love for her. For making her even think that he could ever lay a hand on her that wasn't out of love. 

I don't think I want this anymore.

Oh. 

It didn't take long to connect the dots. That sentence alone was enough to break his heart all over again. Ever since the incident with Eric, she'd been extra distant from him. Like she was scared of him. 

He shut the journal and shoved it back into her backpack with a few of her things, her words from a few days ago ringing in his ears. "I lied to Dina. I told her you're my dad- but you're not!" Christ, they needed to get away. 

Joel didn't bring up the subject on their trip. There was no need to. The second they stepped outside of Jackson, she leaned into his touch like a moth to a flame, all but purring with joy. She started laughing again, telling jokes left and right like she used to. She was finally calm again.

But he wasn't.

Everything was easier in Jackson. He remembered what it was like to raise Sarah in Texas. It was a safe neighborhood, where everyone knew each other. Jackson was like that too, in a way. They were safe there. Ellie was safe there. 

But the truth was that Joel started hearing her screams again. Something about not having the security of a town brought everything back, and he wanted it gone. He longed for good memories, like teaching Sarah how to ride a bike or driving her to the movies on those lazy Saturdays. 

The outside, however, plagued his mind with memories that never seemed to leave him alone. It dyed his hands with her blood until guilt weighed so hard on him that he thought he'd crumble. Joel needed Jackson. He needed that level of comfort to function properly.

He let Ellie sleep in the next morning while he gathered his belongings and ensured Pegasus was set for the journey back. He then sat down and began working on the gift he intended to surprise her with. It was a little giraffe wood sculpture. It wasn't ideal; one of its ears was lopsided, and the spots were either too deep or too hollow. It had been a long time since he'd done any wood carving, and even longer since he'd had any spare time on his hands. 

It was nice.

He didn't have to wait long to hear her stirring in her sleeping bag, a thread of low curses coming from the tent. He waited a moment, seeing if she needed any help, but her swears only got louder by the second.

"Ellie?" He called out. When he didn't get a response, Joel stood and walked toward the tent. "You alright in there?"

"Fuck- yeah, just don't come in here!" 

That made him take a few steps back. "Okay- okay- I won't," then he hesitated a moment. "But you're sure you're okay?" 

"Y-yeah, it's just- fuck-" she cut herself off with a frustrated groan. "There's a lot of, um, blood everywhere..."

Joel could feel the gears in his mind turning as he tried to process her words.  That lasted only a few seconds before he understood what she was saying. "Oh," he breathed. "Right." 

There was a long silence that followed. 

"I don't, like, have any stuff or whatever..." Ellie eventually squeaked out. 

"You got your backpack with you?" He knew the answer was yes, but he wanted to keep her engaged and distracted so she wouldn't feel embarrassed. It was nothing to be embarrassed about. 

"...Yeah," she groaned from behind the makeshift entrance of the tent they fashioned out of old bed sheets. "Alright, there should be some pads in the front pocket," he pointed out, feeling just a little proud that he kept the fact that she was a teenage girl in mind while packing her things.

The pads were a gift for Maria along with some other 'girly stuff' he wasn't supposed to know about. Joel knew the woman had good intentions; she probably just didn't want Ellie to feel ashamed about it. Nonetheless, his sister-in-law appeared to be rather traditional. In her head, period talks were something only women could have as if Joel hadn't already raised a little girl before Ellie.

When they were on the road, they used to fashion pads out of old shirts or somewhat clean napkins if they were lucky. She was always uncomfortable about it, no matter what. It's only natural for kids to feel embarrassed about their bodies during puberty but Ellie seemed to have been worried that it made him uncomfortable. 

The girl watched him slit throats, bash people's heads in, and God knows what else, but she was worried that a bit of period blood was simply too much for him. It seemed as though that mindset had stuck with her, despite everything. 

"Oh," Ellie said, sounding almost confused. "Um, thanks?" It came out more like a question than any actual form of gratitude. Good, Joel thought. She shouldn't be thanking him for the bare fucking minimum. 

"Alright now, grab some clean clothes an' go clean yourself off in the river." He tried to keep his tone as neutral as possible to not worry her. Of course, because it was Ellie, that wasn't the case. She was immediately on high alert again. "But what about-" 

"I'll deal with the tent,"  Joel cut her off. "Really, it ain't a big deal." 

He could hear the zipper of her backpack open and shut a couple of times before she spoke up again. "Um, can- could you maybe, um-" 

She didn't need to finish the sentence; Joel quickly took a few steps back and turned around so that his back was facing the tent. It was the least he could do for her. "I'll just be standin' here, alright? You go on an' do your thing." 

He heard her footsteps as she finally crawled out of the tent ad rushed toward the water. "Don't go far!" Joel called out and heard a string of "yeah yeah yeah's" from the kid. At least she was feeling a little better.

When Ellie returned, the tent had already been taken apart, the cloth folded on Pegasus' saddle. Joel looked up at the kid standing a few feet away from him, stiff as a board. Her hair was down, loose strands falling over her face. "I'm sorry..." she eventually squeaked out. 

He shook his head. "Ain't nothin' to be sorry for." 

"It's just been a while so..." she admitted, trapping her bottom lip between her teeth. "That's why I didn't think about it..."

Joel opened his mouth to say something, but she quickly cut him off. "-I don't wanna talk about it. Ever. Okay?"

He closed his mouth shut and raised his palms in surrender. He said "Alright," then paused for a second. "-But if you ever need to...". Before he even finished that thought, Ellie groaned as loudly as possible, hiding her face behind clenched fists. "Oh my god- ew- no- stop!" 

Despite her clear discomfort, Joel carried on. "What I'm trying to say is that it's nothin' to feel embarrassed about, okay? Hell, if anything, it means you're gettin' healthier."

She made another protesting groan and nearly curled herself into a ball on the grass. After a few unbearable seconds, she straightened her posture and sat up, knees still pulled up to her chest. There were a few leaves and loose strands of grass stuck in her hair, making her look even younger than she was. 

"If we were still starving this wouldn't be a problem," she mumbled and drew circles into her knees with her finger. Joel raised his eyebrows at her. "You wanna go back to munchin' on squirrel guts?" 
That wasn't what he wanted to say. He wanted to say that no part of her was ever 'a problem'. Especially something as silly as a mistimed period. But he figured that it was better to make her laugh instead. 

Sure enough, the corners of her mouth twitched up into a slight smirk as she shook her head. "...No."

"Alright then, whaddya say we head on back to Jackson so we can put some real food in ya? -Not just deer."

"You said you liked the deer!" Ellie shot back, her smile growing wider. Joel furrowed his eyebrows and feigned confusion. "Did I say that-? Mm, no, that don't sound like me at all. I think you've been sleepin' outside for too long, girl". 

"Fuck you! You're the one with back problems Mr. 'I can't get up without my joints popping'."

"Easy. I may be old but I ain't deaf," he warned, trying his best to suppress a chuckle. Thankfully, that seemed to make her relax all the way. 

They ended up sitting there for a few moments longer, taking in the view. It was so peaceful. Tommy said that there were rarely any Infected around these parts but damn. It was almost too good to be true. 

Joel moved a bit closer to her and ruffled her hair enough to let the leaves and grass fall out. Afterward, Ellie shook her head even more, like some metalhead in a mosh pit, causing her long hair to go flying all over the place. It really had grown a lot since the day they met, almost enough to cover her whole back. Usually, it was a lot harder to tell since she always kept it in a ponytail. Speaking of which...

He couldn't help himself anymore and grabbed a hair tie from his pocket, - she had asked him to keep a few for safekeeping since she always lost them - stuck it between his teeth, and began combing out her auburn. Ellie, of course, immediately twitched at the contact and looked at him like he'd just shot Pegasus. "Whoah- what the fuck are you doing?" 

That was enough to make him feel like a total piece of shit. He was always so careful with her, and he knew, he knew that she didn't like to be touched unexpectedly. Still, he tried to play it cool. He did not need to start apologizing and freaking her out further. "What does it look like? I'm doin' your hair."

He studied her features, trying to see just how much he was overstepping. Thankfully, he was only met with a confused look and a scoff from the kid. "You know how to do hair?"

" 'Course I do!" He replied, sounding almost offended. "This ain't my first rodeo y'know?" 

"Okay- sheesh, don't get your panties in a twist." She obediently turned around, allowing him to run his fingers through her thick hair. "What did we say 'bout using conditioner?" He commented once he realized just how thick it really was. 

"I'm not using that shit! It stinks." 

"It's natural," Joel pointed out. "Gotta be a hell of a lot better than the shit we used to buy."

"What kind of shampoo did you use?" She turned her head ever so slightly just to see him better. He shrugged, "Whatever was cheapest probably. Sarah liked those fancy ones that smelled like candles. Somethin' with coconut I think..."

As he thought about it some more, something dawned on him. It wasn't coconut. No, it was that damn watermelon one with the shark sticker on the bottle. Jesus, he couldn't remember what it smelled like. He couldn't remember what her hair smelled like. 

That was bound to happen, he knew it was. It's been twenty fucking years, of course, he didn't remember it. That night, when she was already dead and he couldn't let go of her, he managed to get some of her blood on her hair when he hugged her. And it wasn't just a drop either, it was very noticeable. Or maybe that was just because her hair was so light. He could remember the blood. How it crusted into her hair by the time they buried her. He could remember that, but not the smell of her fucking shampoo.

He was so focused that he didn't see Ellie's ponytail gradually turning into a braid. "Well, there ya go" he tied it up and offered it up for inspection. Ellie wrapped her fingers around it and smirked, "You weren't kidding".

"What can I say? I'm a natural I guess."

"Well, I'm much obliged," she answered, thickening her voice and putting on a poor Texas accent. Joel chuckled and smacked the back of her head. "We're gonna make a cowgirl out of you yet, girl." 

"I'd rather eat my own shit!"

"Oh yeah? Well, in that case, I can just leave you out here, right?"

"Psh," the girl scoffed. "You wouldn't know what to do without me." 

That one was more true than he'd like to admit.
They eventually crawled on the horse and began their journey back home. Surprisingly, Ellie didn't put up much of a fight. Hell, she looked very calm about the whole thing.

Joel could only hope that things in town had calmed down, for both their sakes, even if just a little. He didn't know how much more he could take if he was being honest with himself. He was old, approaching his mid-fifties, and it showed. Ellie often teased him about his greying hair or his knees popping every time he sat down. As much as he tried brushing the comments off, they weren't wrong. He definitely felt older. Or calmer. One of those things.

The journey back was as smooth as it could have been. Ellie chewed his ear off with jokes that had her practically falling from the horse from laughter. Joel thought they were okay and bit his tongue when she retold the same joke twice, laughing as hard as he had the first time.

Eventually, though, the town's big walls peeked from behind the trees, and he could already feel his stomach turning with anxiety. He wished that he would've just talked to Tommy, at least, instead of writing him that stupid note. Maybe that would've made their return less stressful. He waved a red handkerchief so that the guards could grant them entrance without blowing them to pieces. 

Upon seeing them, one of the people keeping watch brought the radio to their lips, and Joel could've sworn that he heard Maria's name being used once or twice. Shit. That was just about the last thing he needed right now: a fucking scolding from his sister-in-law. There was no avoiding it, he knew there wasn't, but he sure as hell wasn't looking forward to it. 

"Fucking finally!" Ellie smiled and jumped off the horse the second they were within Jackson's walls again. "Ah, shit! My legs fell asleep," she complained and jumped in one place to somehow shake the feeling. "We're not going that far again, right?"

That question brought him more peace than he thought it would. It meant two things. One: Ellie wasn't eager to get back outside any time soon, and two: she had gotten comfortable enough to the point when she allowed herself to get lazy.

"We'll see," the old man smiled as he removed Pegasus' saddle and set it down. "We still gotta get your swimming in order sooner or later." 
His kid furrowed her brows at him. "You said I was a natural! That I could swim in the fucking Oly-something games!"

"The Olympics," Joel corrected with a smirk. "-And just 'cause you know how not to drown don't mean we're done with swimming lessons." 

The girl rolled her eyes. "Whatever, dude. You're just embarrassed cos I can swim better than you now." 

"Is that right?" He asked, putting some force into his step, praying that she wouldn't notice that he was trying to rush them. It took a whole week to finally get his kid to smile again and he couldn't risk his brother or Maria ruining that. If he could just get them home, it would be enough to buy himself some time. 

He kept glancing over his shoulder every so often. Worst-case scenario, they could always just take off running. Maria didn't seem like the type to chase an old man and a little girl around town, but he wouldn't put it past her. 

By the grace of God, they managed to reach the house before anyone could stop them. Joel tried his best to stifle a sigh of relief as he shut the door behind them and dropped his backpack on the floor. Ellie quickly followed suit and threw her stuff all over the hallway. He shot her a look, "Nuh-uh, pick that up."

Her eyes traveled from him and to his stuff, which he also carelessly left all over the floor. Joel caught on quickly and rolled his eyes, throwing the pack over his shoulder. "Alright, smartass, you happy now?"

"Getting there," she grinned up at him. He smiled and ruffled her hair one more time before he waved her off. "Go unpack- and I want those clothes folded, y'hear me?"

"Sir yes sir," Ellie saluted him before making her way upstairs, stopping halfway. "Oh, can we take some of the deer to Tommy?"

"Later, okay?" He couldn't very well tell her that Uncle Tommy was most likely on his way over right now. She nodded and ran up to her room, leaving him to deal with the rest of their stuff. He put the folded covers into the wardrobe alongside some of his less-folded clothes, then moved on to the deer. They had already cut most of it up and just put the remainder of what they didn't eat into a bag. 

He cleaned it up some more before placing some of it in the fridge for dinner. The whole ordeal couldn't have lasted more than twenty minutes tops, and yet, it was interrupted by a loud banging at the door. Great. Fucking great.

"Joel," his brother's voice called out. "Come on, open up. We know you're in there-"

Tommy didn't even get to finish his sentence before the door swung open and Maria marched in, her husband following. "What the fuck?" she demanded, arms outstretched as she glared at him. Tommy settled somewhere behind her, rubbing his beard and looking contrite. 

"Hello to you too," Joel groaned and leaned on the counter, unimpressed. 

"What the hell is wrong with you?" The woman scolded. "Where were you?" 

He shrugged and explained, "We went camping". Maria scoffed and shook her head. "Don't bullshit me right now. You knew damn well that you were scheduled for patrol. I mean, do you really think you can afford to just skip that?" 

Joel looked over at his brother. "Ellie caught a deer," he said, letting Maria's words fly over his head completely. It was an asshole move, but he couldn't bring himself to care right now. Tommy raised his eyebrows, "What kind of deer?" 

Now Maria's gaze was pinned on her husband. "Are you being serious right now?" 
The younger Miller lowered his head in shame and mumbled an apology. Then the woman turned to him again. "What we do matters. Do you understand that? Everyone has to do their part to help out the community. That means you show up and do the work!"

She took a step forward. "Everyone else showed up. Everyone but you. How do you think that makes us look? Huh?"

"Oh, did I ruin your reputation? Is that what this is?" Joel snorted and Maria let out a humorless laugh. "You know you can get kicked out for this, right? Where does that leave you? Where does it leave Ellie?"

"That's none of your concern," he clenched his jaw, returning the glare. "Oh, but it is," the woman corrected him. "You might be family, but that doesn't grant you special fucking treatment. You slip up, you fuck up, and you're out. No exceptions." She paused after that, pacing around the room for a little bit. "We have a whole town of people to take care of. We can't waste time cleaning up your mess!"

In the short time that he'd known the woman, Joel could tell that, at her core, she was a provider. She provided people with safety and comfort, to the best of her abilities. Every second meant something in this world, and she'd made it painfully clear that her main focus was Jackson. 

The room fell silent for a long, long time, to the point where you could hear a pin drop. "She needed it," Joel said after a while. Maria softened her posture, "Yeah, well..." she breathed out. "I'm not denying that. But, it doesn't excuse things. Christ, couldn't you just..."

Do better.

"...I don't know." She pinched the bridge of her nose and let out an exhausted sigh. "I'm scheduling you for another three weeks," and they were back to business. "You're gonna be supervising the kids on practice patrols."

"Excuse me?" That was the lowest position she could've given him. Fucking babysitting. It was almost as bad as the sewage maintenance he was forced to do back in Boston. He looked at his brother, hoping he'd back him up but he just shrugged. "Honestly, I think that's fair."

"Tommy," Joel breathed but he didn't back down. Maria turned to him again. "This is your last chance, I mean it. We've already had enough fuck ups as it is." 

"And you're blaming that on me? From what I've gathered, y'all have been fucking up for a while. What, with your cases and whatnot."

"Well, at least we didn't have people beating each other up," she looked at Tommy next. "Or threatening each other," she hissed through gritted teeth. Joel shot his little brother a confused look. "The hell did you do?"

"Nothing," Tommy stressed but Maria cut him off. "He threatened Eric at the bar."

Joel raised his brows, a wave of warmth and appreciation for his brother that he hadn't felt in a long time rushing through him. "What did you say?" He didn't really need to know, he got the idea. 

"I just had a chat with him, that's all," he shrugged and crossed his arms over his chest. Maria groaned and rubbed a hand over her face. Then she pointed a finger at him. "Don't fuck this up, Joel. I mean it." She turned to leave but stopped at the doorway to wait for Tommy.

"I'll just be a minute," he responded, to which the woman sneered once more. "God, you two deserve each other," she shouted as she slammed the door shut. That gave the brothers some time alone. 

"How you doin'?" Joel asked after the silence became too much. His brother snorted, "I'll live," he then paused for a moment. "Is she alright?" His brother knew him well enough not to bother asking about his well-being, understanding that Ellie was his sole concern.

"Yeah," he nodded. "Yeah, I reckon she'll be just fine."

"Good." Tommy smiled before looking at the floor again. "You know, for what it's worth...I think it's good you left when you did. Things here have been...shit, I don't even know."

"What do you mean?" he asked, stepping forward. Tommy hesitated for a moment before answering. "You know that Firefly doctor of yours?" 

Fear quickly clenched itself around Joel's heart. Whatever this was, it couldn't have been good. "Sure."

"Well, he's been askin' about you. A lot."

"What for?" 

"Don't know. Just told him you were out and left it at that." 

Oh great. Fucking amazing. He and Ellie hadn't even been back an hour, and the vultures were already circling. That's just about the last thing he needed. "You think it's trouble?"

"Honestly, I ain't sure. Wouldn't hurt to be careful though," 

Joel nodded, his lips pursed in a line, "Right."
Tommy glanced over his shoulder at the door, anxiously tapping his foot on the ground. "Look, I should go. Wouldn't wanna upset the missus, right?" Before he did, he tapped Joel on the shoulder. "It's good to have you back. Just, uh, don't do anything stupid. Yeah?" 

The brothers said their goodbyes and Tommy turned to follow his wife, pausing just before doing so. "She really caught a deer?" he asked, turning back to him. Joel nodded, pride swelling in his chest. "Sure did. All by herself too." 

His little brother smiled and shook his head. "She's good," he said. "She's real good." 

"I know."

As soon as the door clicked shut, Joel couldn't help but release a sigh of relief. Jesus what a mess. The sound of stairs creaking snapped him out of his head. Ellie leaned over the railing, her braid falling over her shoulder, scanning the room before her eyes found his. "That was fun, huh?"

He snorted, throwing his head back. No matter how complicated things got, nothing could ever take the past week away from him. From her. As long as he could keep her smiling, he was doing something right. He could only pray that it was enough.

It had to be. 

Chapter Text

It was a miracle that Joel let her stay home alone. Ever since she burned her arm, he'd been keeping a close eye on her, almost like putting her on a suicide watch. This constant surveillance made her feel trapped, and Ellie despised it.

"There's some stew left in the fridge," Joel told her for the millionth time that morning. "Heat that up- don't just stir it around and make it look like you ate some, that don't work on me. And make sure that-"

"-That I turn off the stove after I heat it up, which I must do because eating it cold will make me sick, blah blah blah..." she finished his sentence for him, splayed over the couch as she patiently waited for him to leave. 

"It will make you sick," he stressed while pacing up and down the house, trying to gather all his things. "Now where the hell did I put the..." 

"You put the extra ammo in the cupboard above the sink," Ellie informed him before lowering her voice to mimic his. "And I better not catch you sniffin' up there, Ellie". 

He sighed and shot her an unimpressed look. "You just got an answer for everything don't ya?" He then quickly moved to the kitchen, shoving the box of ammo in his backpack before returning to her. "Now, remember what I said about Tommy. You go an' check in with him every hour."

She groaned, burying her face into the cushions. "Yeah, sure. Whatever."
When she heard heavy footsteps, she glanced up to see Joel towering over her, arms folded across his chest. "I mean it, Ellie. Every hour." 

Now it was her turn to sigh. Apparently getting most of his trust back wasn't enough to grant her total freedom. She had to march over to Tommy and Maria's place every fucking hour, just to say "Yoo-hoo, guess what, I didn't slit my fucking wrists out of boredom and am still, very much, alive!"
That was already going to take up most of her day. What a fucking joke. 

"Fine," she sneered through gritted teeth.

"Well, I'm gonna head out. If you need anything, you think that something's off, go to Tommy. Don't wait for me to come home." 

"Psh," she scoffed. "What am I, a dog? I'm not gonna wait up for you. Don't flatter yourself, man". The comment was meant to tease him a little, but it just came off as her being bitchy, and now there was no taking it back. She didn't apologize though. She didn't know how to.

Joel let out another worn-out sigh before finally accepting defeat. "I'll be back before dark, okay?" Ellie just nodded, her gaze pinned on her fingers. She didn't know what it was, maybe she just woke up on the wrong side of the bed, - as Joel would call it - but she was suddenly feeling like the biggest piece of shit. She just wanted Joel to fuck off so she could rot in this feeling without hurting him further.

But, of course, because it was Joel, he couldn't just see that she was upset and leave her to it. No, he had to fix it. He leaned forward and - despite Ellie's best efforts to stop it - pressed a kiss to her forehead before finally making his way toward the door. Ellie stayed put on the couch, too proud to get up and see him out before he went.

The second the door shut behind him, guilt started setting in. Guilt, however, was quickly replaced by relief. She was home alone. She could do whatever the fuck she wanted. 

Ellie practically sprang off the couch and ran into Joel's bedroom to scope out his wardrobe. It wasn't her fault he had the best collection of shirts...that he had prohibited her from even looking at it. He wasn't there to object now though, was he?

When they first settled into Jackson, Maria brought her a bag of clothes, but Ellie refused to try them on. She didn't care how 'impolite' it was because every other item in that bag was fucking pink. It was all skirts and dresses that looked like they could fit a fucking six-year-old. Joel got a kick out of it though. Hell, he got a kick out of anything that made her look younger than fourteen. 

It didn't take long for her to find the perfect flannel for herself. It was a green checkered one, with hints of blue spread over it. That wasn't the only reason she picked it though. It smelled the most like him. She'd never tell him that, not in his sappy state. He would probably burst into tears or something. Still, it was the truth. Despite the hot weather, she liked having something that reminded her of him. A proof that someone gave a shit about her. 

After snooping through his closet, Ellie moved on to the rest of his room. She never got to see it during the daytime, the only time she found herself in his room was after a nightmare. Even in the mornings after she never stuck around long enough to actually look around. 

It definitely felt like his room. The bed wasn't made; the covers were pretty much thrown to the side without so much as a second thought. His pillow was shoved away like he barely even used it, which was true. He liked to sleep on his stomach, only turning if she needed him to hold her throughout the horrors of the night. He slept on the left side, leaving more than enough room for her to climb in whenever.

Maybe that's why the right side looked so different. He took care of her side of the bed in case she needed it.

Ellie wouldn't dare to inspect the books on his bedside table since doing so meant moving the framed picture on top of them. It was the photo of him and Sarah that she stole from Maria. He kept it so close...

A few months back he wouldn't look at it and now it was sitting right beside him. 

It took a few more walks up and down the house until boredom started setting in. The one good thing about always having a babysitter was that it made everything much less quiet. It was a big house, sometimes too big for two people alone, and it showed. The silence was overwhelming; threatening to swallow her whole if she did not intervene. 

Ellie found herself checking the time often. Surely an hour must've passed already, right? It felt like it. 

Fifteen minutes. It's been fifteen minutes since Joel left. 

The emptiness grew worse, making her uneasy. It hadn't dawned on her before, but Ellie wasn't used to being alone. Sure, she grew up without friends or a family, but she wasn't alone. There was FEDRA, awful as they were, and the kids she was forced to share her space with. The first time Riley left was when she first felt the loneliness that she eventually got so used to. But then Joel showed up, and she wasn't alone anymore. 

Until the snow fell. 

Fuck...don't think about that right now!

And she didn't. She rushed into the living room and decided to pick out a movie for herself. That usually calmed her down. Usually. 
Turns out that watching Indiana Jones without Joel's annoying comments wasn't as fun as one might think. She missed having to shush him every two seconds because he wasn't paying attention and started asking about the plot. It didn't feel the same. 

However, the movie did speed the time up a bit and suddenly it was time for her to go check in with Tommy. It was almost embarrassing how relieved she was about it. 

The weather was getting warmer with each passing day, but the mornings were still tolerable. Since there weren't many people around yet and the majority had left for work, Ellie could finally wear short sleeves. The bite mark was pretty much gone, but she could still see the looks people shot her once they saw the wrinkled skin on her forearm.

Joel didn't seem to know how he felt about it yet. On some days, he was completely unfazed by the whole thing and didn't give the short sleeves a second thought. Other times he'd freak out, going on rants about how it was going to result in people asking too many questions. 

"You gotta be careful with this stuff, kiddo," he'd say. "One wrong move and someone could mistake that for a bite and..."

After a while that got pretty annoying so they came up with a solution. Well, Ellie did. She told him that if anyone were to ask about the burn, they could just tell people the truth: that she did it to herself. It seemed like the smartest solution. One that would paint Joel as the good guy who was just looking out for his kid, and not someone who abused her.

He immediately shut the idea down, saying it would do more harm than good. But, seeing as he wasn't thinking of anything himself, that plan had to work for now. 

After about ten minutes, she finally reached the house. In and out. That's all it had to be. Tommy would open the door, make sure that she wasn't dead, and send her on her way. Easy peasy. 

But Tommy wasn't the one to open the door. 
Maria looked down at her, a slight smile pulling at her lips. The icy stern look in her eyes wasn't there - the one she usually used with Joel - and was replaced with a softness that made her look younger. 

Her hair was tucked behind her ears, and not a single strand appeared out of place. She was dressed in the usual shirt and jeans combo; instead of her work jeans, she put on a new pair. The only difference between the two was that these ones were cleaner. 

"Well, look what the cat dragged in," she smirked and leaned against the doorframe. "How you doin' honey?"

That wasn't a nickname that the woman only used with her. Ellie had seen her call every person in the town honey at some point - except Joel - so she didn't pay too much attention to it. 

"Uh, yeah, I'm good. Just checking in."

Maria sighed heavily but kept the smile on her face. "That old man put you up to this?"
Joel was only four years older than Tommy, but Ellie still found it hilarious whenever someone other than her pointed out how old he was. 51 wasn't a death sentence, but it was getting close to - what she'd consider - fossil territory. 

She didn't say anything but by the looks of it, she didn't need to. The woman could read her like an open book, which was a little scary considering they had only known each other for about a month. It took weeks for Joel to trust her with something as simple as a gun. Then again, not everyone had to be as closed off as he was. 

"Do you wanna come in? Tommy's out so I wouldn't mind some company."

 Ellie had hoped that this would be just a quick visit, but she didn't want to seem rude. That, and she didn't want to be alone in that house for much longer. "Uh...yeah, sure." 

Every time she was at Tommy and Maria's place, it felt like she was there for the first time again. Not because they renovated it a bunch or anything, it just looked so...perfect. It felt like one of those houses that she used to see in movies. 

"You had breakfast yet?" Maria offered. "There's some bacon left if you want it." 
She was always so nice to her, almost to the point where it didn't feel real anymore. Like her mind was playing tricks on her or something. 

"Thanks but I'm not hungry," Ellie quickly answered, trying to be as polite as possible. If she wasn't, Joel would never let her hear the end of it. 

Maria turned to her, her eyebrows reaching her hairline. "No?" She chuckled. "I don't think I've ever seen you without a spoon in your mouth if I'm being honest."

That was true. She had spent the entirety of the first two weeks in Jackson shoving food down her throat. There was so much of it everywhere, all the time, and it seemed too good to be true; like it would be taken from her at any given moment. She would stuff her pockets full of jerky so that she and Joel could have something to eat in case things turned south again. 

But the truth was that she couldn't stomach food anymore. There was no deeper meaning behind it, her body must've just had enough. Joel thought that she was 'too depressed' to eat, which was bullshit, but she let him believe it because there was no real excuse for it. She didn't have an appetite anymore. 

Tommy's wife, however, didn't question her. She simply shrugged it off and moved to the dining room, sitting down in front of a pile of blueprints like Joel often did after dinner. "I'll just be a minute," she said. 

Ellie sat down at the table as well, patiently waiting. The room was quiet for a long time, but it didn't bother her the way the silence in her house had. Maybe it was because someone was sitting right in front of her...yeah, that's what it was. 

"Here," the woman put some of the papers into a brown envelope and slid it over to her. "Give those to Joel for me, will ya?"

She accepted the envelope and furrowed her brows. "I thought he was supposed to be on patrol."

"He is," Maria agreed. "But he's gotta return to construction sometime."

"You guys have a weird system," the little girl tried to joke but it, once again, came out wrong. Maria shot her a look through her brows. "It's a fair system."
Ellie scoffed at that.

"You sound like Joel." 

"Well, maybe he's not wrong about everything."

That stirred something in Ellie. The urge to defend Joel's every breath surged within her, solely because she was aware that he would do the same for her. And what kind of a daughter would she be if she didn't stand up for him? 
"Why do you hate him so much?"

After giving her a final glance, the woman put her pen down. "I don't hate him, Ellie," she declared earnestly, though it mostly sounded like bullshit. Ellie didn't buy it. She had seen enough of their fights to see through Maria's words.

Casting her eyes downwards, a solemn expression crossed her face as she intertwined her fingers in contemplation. "Yeah, you do" she accused. "You're always yelling at him. It's like he can't do anything right!"

Maria nodded and let out a weary sigh. "I have to admit that I don't always...agree with his decisions.  But I don't hate him." 
She tilted her head, the way Ellie always did when Joel was mad at her. He said it made her look like a puppy. "Even you have to see that he has done some pretty bad things..."

"So what? Everybody does bad things now...Tommy killed people too you know? I don't see you giving him shit for it-"

Maria raised a hand to silence her before she could continue. "Alright girl, settle down. I'm not trying to rile you up." She then pursed her lips in a line. "Look, Joel loves you, and I know he's trying to do right by you..."

"...But?" There was always a 'but' somewhere. 

"But, I want to make sure you know what you're getting yourself into. That's all."

Ellie cringed and brought her eyebrows together. What she's getting herself into? The fuck was that supposed to mean? Maria caught on to her confusion. "I see how much he cares about you, Tommy does too. But you gotta understand that these men aren't gonna let you grow up so easily." 

If that was supposed to calm her down, it certainly wasn't working. Before Joel came along, Ellie had never been treated like a child. It helped her in some way and provided her with the upbringing she never knew she craved. It was nice. But Maria didn't seem to agree.

"You are fourteen years old, and-"

"I'm almost fifteen!" She reminded her the way she often did Joel now that her birthday was getting closer. 

"I know," the woman agreed. "But does Joel?" 

"What?" 

Maria let out a sigh and leaned into her chair. "I've been around people like Joel..."

"Oh yeah? What kind of people is that?"

"Broken people, Ellie."

Ellie frowned and turned her head away for what must've been the millionth time that day. Maria didn't know Joel. Who died and made her the queen of judgment? So what if he sometimes woke up gasping for air, like she so often did? So what if he never brought it up and pretended like it never happened? So what if he sometimes burst into tears once he thought that she was asleep? If that makes him broken, then Ellie was just as broken as he was.

But that wasn't the case. It couldn't be. They were fine. Everything was fine. Why ruin it now that they had both adjusted to this new life of theirs? Alright, maybe he barely let her out of his sight- so what? And yeah, maybe he had a panic attack every day or so, but he made sure to hide it from her! Not well though, she always caught him leaning over the table with his head in his hands. 

One night, when she crawled into his bed because the past came back to haunt her yet again, Ellie had to pry Sarah's photo out of his grip so that he wouldn't accidentally shatter it in his sleep. But that was normal, right? 

None of that made him broken. Not even the scar on the side of his head that he never told her about, - Tommy spilled the beans on that one. He told her all about how he had to wrestle the gun away from Joel after they buried Sarah that night, - or the loaded gun he always kept in his bedside tale.
Ellie once caught him staring at it for a freakishly long time with a blank look on his face. She decided to sleep in his bed that night, for his sake rather than her own, choosing to ignore the way he clung to her with more desperation than the other nights. 

That didn't make him broken though. If it did, that would mean that she was even worse. 

"You are growing up," Maria carried on with her little speech. "And he's not ready for it. Hell, he'd keep you on a leash if he could." 

"So what?" Ellie snapped. "I'm the one who asked for this!"

The room was quiet for a long, long time, making her realize just how fucking crazy she sounded. Maria just watched her collect herself, looking at her with empathetic eyes.

"He needs this..." Ellie eventually whispered. It felt wrong. Like she was betraying him by saying it. But the woman in front of her simply nodded, like she knew that's what she was gonna say. 

"You know," she started. "After you ran off to the stables a few weeks ago, he came here, pounding on the door like crazy. He was really panicking, but I told him to calm down and give you a chance to come back yourself. Did he?"

"Yeah..."

"Hmm," she smirked. "I didn't think he would, to be honest." 

"That's not his fault! It's-" Ellie cut herself off with a frustrated sigh. "Is this why you showed me that picture of Sarah?" she asked carefully. "When we first came to Jackson?" 

Maria laughed. "The one you stole from me? Not really, no. I just thought you'd want to know."

"I'm not stupid."

"Oh, absolutely not. Far from it..."

"No, I mean...I knew. When you showed me the picture I just...I knew he saw her when he looked at me and it, I don't know, made me sad I guess." 

Maria quickly shook her head. "Mm-mm, no- honey, that is not what is happening at all."

"But I thought you said-"

"Joel doesn't see you as Sarah. You remind him of her, sure, but he's not trying to replace her with you. Now, I'm not the guy's biggest fan, but I'll give him that much." 

"How do you know all this?"

She was quiet for a while, before shaking her head. "Once you have kids, the whole world starts looking different. Especially after you lose them."

Ellie's eyes widened. Shit. Tommy said that he didn't want kids but did they...did she...? 
She never had the right words for these situations. When she tried to talk to Joel about Sarah for the first time, he told her that he wasn't her dad and decided to give her away to someone else, so she felt hesitant to ask now. Thankfully, Maria caught onto her realisation and beat her to it.

"After Kevin died, I spent so long trying to take care of kids that, frankly, didn't need me. They had families, or they figured they didn't need them. But I couldn't let go. It took me a while to realize that I was doing more harm than good. Eventually I came to Jackson and-" 

"-Now you're taking care of everyone else." 

Maria smiled and nodded. "Pretty much, yeah."

"Oh. Well, I'm- I'm sorry about...you know..."

"It's okay, Ellie."

"I...can't imagine losing someone you love like that. Losing everything you know. I'm sorry, Joel."
"It's okay, Ellie." 

Parents seemed to have some kind of universal connection with each other, whether through love or grief. Maria didn't hate Joel, she was Joel. They just...grieved differently. In a way, they understood each other better than anyone, and that's what hurt them the most. 

Maria was right, Joel wasn't ready for her to grow up. Maybe she wasn't ready to grow up either. After living her life trying to be older than she actually was, it felt good to be treated like a child. 

Ellie continued in a gentler voice, "I understand where you're coming from, but Joel's not like that. I...need him." 
It was true. She really did.

Maria let out one last sigh and raised her palms in surrender. 
"Your funereal, kid."

Chapter Text

"Alright, kids, you know the drill. Make sure to keep your firearms out of sight, unless it's absolutely necessary. And remember, keep your horses calm. If your horse starts freaking out, we're all done for. Lastly, and most importantly, pay close attention to everything me and Mr. Miller say. Got it?"

The children all hummed in agreement, nodding their heads together. Thank goodness for Eugene because the kids seemed to really like him. The whole group would be in big trouble if it were only Joel. Ellie's condition was a perfect example of the consequences of his leadership, and he did not want to risk that with these kids. One traumatized kid was more than enough.

All things considered, it wasn't a bad group. There was Cat, a girl who seemed to be around Ellie's age. That seemed like way too early for her to be on one of these runs, but Jackson's rules clearly stated that any kid above fourteen was allowed outside with strict supervision. 
Of course, most parents waited until the kid was closer to sixteen than Cat was.

Kids in this world grew up a lot quicker than they used to. Still, sending fifteen-year-olds out there with complete strangers? Really?
As far as Joel was concerned, Ellie wouldn't leave the gate until her twenties. 

Then there was Tyler, a smug little shit who clearly believed he was above participating in practice patrols. Joel was all too familiar with this type: an arrogant know-it-all, desperate for attention. 

So long as the kid didn't do anything stupid while in Joel's care, it didn't bother him.

And lastly...Jesse. 

Joel had no issue with the kid whatsoever. Hell, they'd barely said more than two words to each other in all the time that Ellie had known him, but Joel liked the boy. He was a good friend to his girl, and a good kid overall.

However, he hadn't seen the boy since everything that happened with his father and didn't want to make him uncomfortable. 

"You got anything to add?" Eugene asked after a while. 

Joel blinked, a little startled by the question. "Uh, no."

"Alright then," the older man clasped his hands together. "Off we go."

They rode in a straight line, Eugene in the front and Joel in the back with the kids in the middle. They weren't really chatty. The most that he could hear from them was an occasional annoyed grunt if their horses bumped into each other. That wasn't what he was used to.

Joel was used to corny puns, jokes, or maybe a string of curses here and there. At this point, he had grown accustomed to being bombarded with questions that were either overly personal or utterly meaningless in his opinion.

"What's your favorite color?"

"Have you ever met anyone with the same name as you?"

"Have you ever tortured anyone before? How'd you do it?"

However, this ride was strangely silent. It was almost a relief. The morning had been gradually turning into a living nightmare. They stopped sooner rather than later, as Eugene led them off the road, and closer to the woods. 

"Alright shitasses," he declared and got himself off the horse. "Spare your horses, we're goin' on foot from here". 

"This is bullshit!" Tyler shouted, evoking a snort from Cat. "We've been riding for, like, ten minutes tops!" 

As badly as Joel wanted to, at best, scold the boy and, at worse, smack some manners into him, he leaned back and observed how Eugene would respond. The man was sixty-five, meaning he'd probably dealt with his fair share of smug kids. Joel, on the other hand, was barely starting. Sarah died a few months after she turned fourteen, so she didn't get to have a rebellious phase. Ellie, however, was still very new to him, even after all these months.

The older man raised his eyebrows and crossed his arms over his chest, challenging the boy to explain further. Joel had witnessed his father adopt a similar posture countless times, so he understood that it would be wise for the boy to remain silent.

But, of course, because Mommy didn't give him enough attention at home, the kid scoffed and puffed out his chest. Oh yeah, this oughta be good.

"It's not fair! This other group rode for five hours and wiped out a whole horde of Infected!" 

Exaggeration of the fucking century. 

There was a short silence before Cat let out another laugh. Tyler didn't seem to appreciate it. "It's true! My brother was in it!" 

"Oh, your brother was in it," Eugene nodded. "Last time I checked, he was tradin' weed with twelve-year-olds and hasn't seen the gate in 'bout five years, but you go ahead an' take his word for it."

The boy's face quickly turned crimson as both Cat and Jesse laughed a little too loudly for his liking. Hell, even Joel smirked. 

Eugene then walked up to the kid and leaned in real close, but still kept his voice high enough for everyone to hear. "You wanna ride for five hours? Be my guest. But once it gets dark out here, you won't be able to go cryin' to your Mama". 

Tyler looked like he was ready to shoot the man right then and there, but his embarrassment weighed him down as he lowered his head in shame. With that, Eugene moved up and instructed everyone to follow him. "C'mon, then. We're losin' daylight".

Joel stayed behind again, keeping one finger on his holster at all times. The outside had always made him uneasy, especially now that he had, not one, but three kids to protect. 

The adults usually got bigger outposts, like ski lodges and whatnot, further from town. The kids, however, got to start out smaller. Unless they were with their parents. Then they could do whatever they wanted. It truly was like babysitting. 

They were set to check out an old nearby gas station and the area around it. Nothing fancy, but that could quickly change if there were actually Infected around. It doesn't matter how many of those Joel killed, a Runner sprinting toward him was still enough to make his heart stop.

That's why so many people freeze up when faced with danger. Ellie, thankfully, never seemed to have that problem. He wasn't too sure about these kids yet, though. They were all supposed to learn to shoot before even thinking of exiting the gate, which was good, but shooting cardboard was a lot different than a fucking Clicker. 

Once they reached the gas station, Eugene lined up the kids and waved him over. "Why don't you give the orders this time? It ain't polite to make an old man yell so much, y'know?" 

"What does that make him, then?" Cat asked, a little too loudly for it being a jab at Joel. He simply shot her a look but chose to ignore it. This felt familiar. He was used to having kids laughing at his expense. Come to think of it, Ellie had probably made that same joke once or twice before. 

"Right...well, how many of y'all have shot an Infected before?" He asked and all three of them proudly raised their hands, looking mighty proud of themselves. Good. At least they knew what they were dealing with. 

His eyes scanned the kids' faces, his stare getting stuck on Jesse's for a second too long. He appeared the least proud out of all three of them. Also good. Kids shouldn't be happy or eager to kill. They could be proud of themselves for making it out alive, but that was about it.

Another thing Joel noticed about Jesse was that he didn't make eye contact with him. Shit. What if he did make the kid feel uncomfortable? Or, God forbid, scared of him. That was the last thing he wanted. 

"Good," he praised. Ellie always liked and sometimes craved his praise when they were on the road. Unfortunately, he noticed it a tad bit too late. He wasn't making the same mistake again. "Now, I know these things ain't easy-"

The second he said those words, an exaggerated 'psh' sound escaped Cat's lips. Joel eyed her for a moment, watching as she crossed her arms over her chest and looked around like she was already bored. That wasn't good. 

Confidence could either save your life or dig you into an early grave. Ellie was very confident in her abilities when they first met. It was all fun and games until she shot someone for the first time. That's when her voice started shaking and her knees buckled as she struggled to stand upright. 

He could hear her voice ringing in his ears.
"I can shoot my own gun, Joel!" 
"I could kill a whole fucking army if I had to!"
"Did you see me stab that guy?! He like, started puking blood! That's so gross!"

All of that stopped after Colorado. She stopped taking the lead on things and instead stayed behind like he had asked her to at the start of their journey. She didn't kill unless it was her only option, only then she took it too far. 

She didn't just stab things anymore and called it a day. She started slashing them to bits and pieces, only stopping once he physically pulled her off the mangled corpse...again.

Joel knew that he'd die before letting another kid experience a feeling like that.  

Before he could so much as acknowledge Cat's little comment, Jesse had already poked her with his elbow, shushing her. All that accomplished was the girl turning her glare toward him instead of Joel. "What?" she hissed and moved away from him. "He's fucking old! Everyone can see it..." 

Fucking smartass.

There was no use getting riled up for nothing, so Joel also ignored that comment. "Alright," he said instead. "You all know why we're here. We check the area and take care of things that need takin' care of. Keep your guns in your holsters until necessary. No need for things to get ugly."

Again, Tyler let out a groan and kicked a nearby rock. "It's not fucking fair". Joel paid that comment no mind either, but still sent a silent prayer to the heavens for this kid to get a taste of his own medicine. Maybe God could give him a bastard child as well when the time came. 

"Tell you what," Eugene stepped closer. "There's more buildings up this way," he gestured further up the road. "If you critters can prove y'all can manage yourselves, we'll go check those out too." 

Can he do that? Joel wasn't so sure. He stepped up and grasped the man's arm. "Can I talk to you for a minute?" Eugene obliged and followed him as they stepped off to the side. Just before they were out of earshot, Joel turned back to the group and pointed a firm finger in their direction. "Don' go anywhere near the doors or windows, y'hear me?" 

With that out of the way, he turned his attention back to the old man in front of him. 
"The hell are you doin'?" He asked, trying to keep his voice as even and quiet as possible. 

"Look, between you an' me, there ain't a single Infected in that building," he explained and glanced at the gas station. "-Or any buildings in the area."

Joel took a second to process the words, his face forming into a deep scowl. "What?" 

Eugene simply shrugged it off like it was nothing. "Yeah, they got patrols to clear out the area yesterday." Joel just looked at the man, not knowing what to think. "So, what, you're just taking 'em out on walks? Is that it?"

"Hey, now, don' look at me," the old man raised his palms in surrender. "Wasn't my idea. The council makes the rules." 

"Jesus Christ," Joel mumbled and glanced at the kids. They stayed put - by the grace of God - just like he told them to. They came out here so they could learn to protect themselves; to serve the community when they were of age. Instead, smart folks in Jackson figured it was easier to just hold their hands throughout the whole thing. What a load of bullshit. 

Eugene put a hand on his shoulder and turned him back so they were face to face again. "There ain't no harm in it," he said. "Shit, it works. The kids learn somethin' and we get them back to their folks in one piece."

"This ain't teaching them nothing. If anything you're making them less prepared!"

"Maybe. Fooled you though." 

That was true. He'd never admit it, but it was. If the place had been crawling with Infected like he'd been promised, they never would have left their horses like they had. Fucking Jackson. It was making him soft. 

"You coming then?" Joel asked the man but he simply shrugged. "I dunno. I wanna see what you got up your sleeve".

He shot Eugene another look before returning to the kids, swearing under his breath. "Un-fucking-believable."

Maybe there was still a chance to teach them something. 

"Alright, any of y'all know how to track down Infected?" He asked as soon as he reached them. The chatter died down and now all their attention was on him. "You can track them down?" Cat asked, trying to hide the excitement in her voice.

He couldn't help but feel pride swelling in his chest. Ever since Ellie got comfortable around him, he stopped being as interesting. It felt good to see that he hadn't lost his way. "Sure, if you can hear 'em".

"You can always hear them!" Tyler said very matter-of-factly. "They're always so fucking loud-"

"And if you come across a Stalker?" Joel pointed out, knowing he had the smartass cornered.

"What's a Stalker?" Cat asked, a small smile tugging at her lips. Before Joel could open his mouth, Jesse stepped up and answered for him. "They're kinda like Clickers...but more Runner-looking," he explained. "They can't see that well, and they're really sneaky."

Not bad, Joel thought. Maybe they did teach them something. "That's right," he praised and looked at the kid properly for the first time since they left the stables. The boy, however, quickly averted his gaze. Fair enough. "So if one of them sneaks behind you," Joel carried on, stepping a little closer to Tyler. "-They can tear your throat out in seconds."

"Cool!" Cat exclaimed, her smile growing wider. She kind of looked like Ellie when she stepped outside of Boston for the first time. Tyler, however, didn't look too pleased. His face got real pale as he swallowed hard, trying to keep his expression stern. "Yeah, I- I know that!" 

Sure you do, kid.

"Right then, keep your voices low and follow me." With a nonchalant demeanor, he surveyed the surroundings, his eyes scanning the area for any signs of danger. Satisfied with his assessment, he leisurely strolled towards the wall beneath one of the windows and leaned against it. To his amusement, the kids mimicked his every move.

After ensuring that all the kids were present, he placed a finger on his lips and carefully examined their faces. He then drew his gun from its holster and encouraged the children to do the same. "Safety off," he whispered and showed them how to do it. Then, he pressed his ear to the concrete, listening for any familiar shouts or clicks. Once he confirmed that the place was quiet he turned back to the kids. "Alright, Jesse, you go on and open the door, make sure it's clear." 

"Me?" The boy whispered back, and Joel couldn't tell if he was proud or scared about the fact that he had been chosen. "You think you're up for it?" He asked, just in case. On the slim chance that there was an Infected in there, sending an anxious fifteen-year-old in there was the worst thing he could do. 

Jesse looked at the door for a second before nodding. "Yeah," he whispered. "Yeah, I got this." 

Joel nodded back and watched as the kid got up and slowly approached the door. He brought his firearm close to him, just like he was supposed to, and steadied his breathing. He then took another deep breath before shoving the door open with his shoulder.

Seconds went by and Joel could already feel the anxiety rising inside of him. For a split second, he could see the Clicker charging at the boy, slack jaws and moldy breath, as it tore its rotten teeth into his neck. He could almost smell the blood as it crusted into the dirty floor, adding to the dirt and decay of others that came before him. 

His face scrunched up at the thought of Robin and Eric's faces as he delivered the news. No matter how he felt about them, that was something he would never wish upon anyone. His mind raced to Ellie's face next; her eyes widening in horror once he told her that her friend died on his watch. He couldn't let her down like that. Or any of them, for that matter. 

All his anxieties melted away the second he heard Jesse's voice emerge from the building. "Clear!" 
Thank fucking Christ.

Joel got up with Cat and Tyler as they followed Jesse inside the gas station. The air inside was still and thick like it always was nowadays. The walls were vacant and torn apart, barely any evidence of the bright, red and yellow glowing sign still remaining by the entrance. The filthy windows were shattered, allowing the wind to wail through, obscuring the eerie echoes of nature, which bounced off the walls that had once been fortified.

The only thing still standing was the counter, which still had the slightly dusty register atop it. The shelves and drawers were empty now, and curious rodents had begun to make their way in and out, leaving a carpet of dust on the already grey, dingy floors.

Jesse looked up at him, wide eyes begging for approval like his daughters always did. "You did good," Joel praised again and watched him breathe a sigh of relief. At the end of the day, these kids just wanted to be useful, and it was now Joel's job to assure them just how useful they were. How needed they were. By everyone around them. If a kid loses that, it's all over for them. 

"That's it?" Cat asked, her face dropping again. "Pretty much,"  Joel shrugged. "There's usually more shootin' involved, but I guess we got lucky".

"Yeah. Real lucky." Tyler scoffed and plopped himself on one of the counters. "Poor Chang had to break some sweat."

The energy in the room instantly shifted as Jesse shot the kid a look. "Fuck off, dude". Honestly, that was a lot better than what the asshole actually deserved. Of course, because kids like Tyler always had to take things too far, he continued. "Or what?" He challenged. "You're gonna beat me up?"

"Hey now-" Joel quickly tried to intervene before the situation got out of hand. He knew, firsthand, how quickly these types of things could escalate. But the boys paid him no mind. 

Jesse rolled his eyes. "No, I'm not gonna beat you up. What are you, five?" Tyler quickly made his way off the counter and stepped closer. "You're just scared that you're gonna end up like your stupid dad!"

Joel's breath got stuck in his throat for a moment as he could only watch the situation unfold before him. Jesse rushed over until the boys' faces were mere inches away from one another. "The fuck did you just say?" 

That's when Joel stepped in and separated them with a growl. "That's enough! Both of you-" 

Once again, his words went unheard as the boys just kept screaming at each other over him. "Come on dude, we all know what happened!" Tyler mocked and gestured at Joel. It didn't take long for him to recognize what he was referencing. "The whole town knows that your dad's a fucking pussy-" 

That's when Joel reached out and grasped the boy by his arm, his grip tight enough to surely leave bruises. "You watch your fucking mouth, boy!" He then let go with enough force to destabilize him. His next plan of action was to somehow distract them. A fight was the last thing he needed. "Now, all of you look for supplies." 
He returned his glare to the blonde kid, still rubbing the spot on his arm where he had grabbed him.

"And you," he growled. "Walk it off. Go make sure the area is clear or somethin'." Make yourself useful for a fucking change.

The boy glared at him, red in the face and his jaw stiff, like he wanted to tear his fucking head off. "Bite me, Grandpa!" He barked before retreating outside as he was told. 

Joel took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of his nose before softening his posture. He turned around and looked over at Jesse, though he wasn't looking at him anymore. That hope in his eyes - that need for his approval - died down pretty fucking fast. 

He didn't push it though. The boy needed his space. This situation was far too delicate, even for him. "Y'all, uh, check for supplies." He instructed, his voice softer than before. "Bottles, ammo- anythin' useful." 

The sight of Jesse broke his fucking heart. His back was turned to him, head hung low, while he did exactly as he was told. Instead of making things even worse, like he had a habit of doing, Joel left the teens and returned to Eugene, like a dog with a tail between his legs. 

Before Eugene had the chance to say anything, he shut him up with a look. "Don't ask." 

He raised his palms in surrender again. "Gee, who pissed in your cereal?" Joel just sighed and settled in a spot beside him, running his palm across his face. Eugene, noticing his distress, quickly tried to put out the flame. "Don't worry about Matthews. Kid's in way over his head- has been for a while". 

Joel leaned against a tree and looked up at the sky. The clouds, like patches of plush cotton, scattered like wildfire. Here and there, the sun in all its brilliant golden glory peeked through with gentle beams of warmth. A gentle breeze rustled through the sky, carrying with it the sweet scent of spring. 

"What about your little girl?" Eugene's voice pulled him back, slowly but surely. "What does she do?"

It was like the whole world knew that bringing Ellie up was the one thing that made everything go quiet for him again. He needed a clear head for her. He needed to come back to her. 

"Uh, mostly just draws in her room" he answered, already cooling down. Eugene just nodded. "No patrol yet?"

"Absolutely not," he said with the speed of light. "Not if this is what patrol is. Besides, I'm tryin' to get her to settle into Jackson."

"Alright, easy Papa Bear, I ain't tryin' to rile you up," the man joked. "Plus, she could just go with you. I see how you are with these kids. You're a natural."

A natural was the worst way to describe it. The truth was that he had failed her this morning. Not just her, but himself as well. 

Ellie was in one of her moods again, only this time he didn't have the time to stick around and make it better. As he headed towards the stables, the only thought racing through his mind was that he should have pushed her harder about the stew. He knew good and well that she wasn't gonna eat the damn thing, and not just for the lack of his culinary skills.

That girl had a weird relationship with food. When they were on the road, she would whine endlessly about how famished she was. However, now that she had all the food she could ever want, she showed no interest in it whatsoever.

Getting her to eat meat after winter was already challenging enough, but now it seemed like he was only three meals away from having to spoon-feed the kid just to ensure she got some food in her system. He'd do it, too, if he had to. 

Whatever those monsters back in Colorado did to her...it ruined her relationship with meat for a long, long time. He remembered looking for her in that town. He remembered the limbless corpses hanging from the ceiling like animals in a butcher shop. Those sick fucks were eating human flesh. Did they feed it to her?
He couldn't even think about that without his stomach turning. 

Ellie was too skinny. She always had been. Right now, Joel could only thank God that she didn't know vegetarianism was a thing. Well, used to be a thing. It was already hard enough to find food outside of big cities or towns like Jackson. Even then, FEDRA delivered scraps. People had to eat anything they could to survive and, clearly, nothing was off the table.

But that wasn't what made this morning so unbearable, no. Before Joel even reached the stables, the fucking Firefly doctor had all but cornered him, throwing question after question at him. As if he had the right to do that.

"Where the hell have you been?" 

"Oh, we're keeping track of our whereabouts now?" 
One day. He and Ellie had been back for one fucking day and this man was already in his face about it. What happened to 'staying out of each other's way'? 

"No. I just..." He looked exhausted. It almost made Joel feel sorry for him. "Has Abby spoken to you, at all?"

Great. Now Joel had to feel guilty about this guy's kid as well as his own. He ran a palm over his face and sighed. "Your, uh, your kid that hates my guts, right?"

"Just answer the question."

"No. She didn't talk to me." 

Jerry sighed in relief and buried his face into his palms. "She's been asking all kinds of questions. I'm pretty sure she's calling my bluff-"

Joel wasn't blind and, despite everything he'd done in the past two decades, he wasn't heartless either. It was painfully obvious how helpless Jerry was. He was talking to him for fuck's sake! 

Jerry was the reason he and Ellie were alive. That was a fact. In a way, Joel owed him a lot for letting them go that day. But, if he were being honest, he didn't have it in him to care about any of this in the slightest. Not while he had to worry about Ellie.  "-Look," he said, interrupting the man before he got more desperate. "This ain't any of my business, so unless you got anythin' to say concernin' me or my daughter, I don't care."

The doctor blinked at him like he couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Seriously?" 

"This is your mess, not mine." 

"How can you even say that? After everything you've done-" 

"Me?" Joel barked and stepped toward the man until he was the one cornering him. "Just because you didn't pull the trigger on a fourteen-year-old girl, don't mean you're the hero here".

Jerry swallowed and shook his head, trying to find the words. When he couldn't Joel carried on. He always had to carry on, him and his big fucking mouth. "You swore, when you first got here, that you wouldn't be a problem for me. And yet, you're goin' around, botherin'  everybody- bothering' my brother..."

Tommy was the one who told him that the doctor was looking for him in the first place, meaning that he was getting caught up in his messes yet again. Joel couldn't have more of that on his conscience. The list was getting far too long.

Fortunately, he bit his tongue before continuing. This wasn't about Jerry. It wasn't even about St. Mary's. This was about a young girl, who had lost damn near everything, and now she was losing faith in the last bits of sanity she had.

As much as he tried to suppress it, he couldn't stop imagining Ellie in her place. He was so relieved to have found her while she was still awake. But truthfully if she hadn't been, if they had knocked her out first, he would have most definitely just taken her out of there. He knew for a fact that he wouldn't tell her the truth, he'd admitted it to her back on that highway himself. 

He would've lied to cover his ass, probably telling her that they've simply stopped looking for a cure, and it would've crushed her. She was so fucking smart. There was no way she wouldn't have been able to see past his bullshit. That one lie would've been enough to cost him their relationship, and he would've been okay with it. So long as she was still breathing. 

And then there was this man who actually did lie to his daughter and was now paying the price for it. A price that Joel was supposed to pay. 

"Look," he sighed. "I don' have time for this right now," he turned his head toward the stables, knowing full well that kids were waiting for him. "-But, if she does come askin' around...I won't say anything."

Jerry breathed out a sigh of relief and hung his head low. "Thank you, Joel," Oh they were on first-name bases now? "I'll owe you."

"Just stay the hell away from my family and we're even," Joel said, trying to rush the conversation. "Deal?"

That wasn't who Joel was anymore. At least, it wasn't who he wanted to be. He would do anything to be a better man for himself. For his daughter. He would do anything except actually put in the effort to change. Because that's who Joel Miller was at his core: a bad man. A bad man, who mocked a struggling father who simply wanted to provide for his daughter.

Maybe that's why God was punishing him with brats like Tyler Matthews. 

"So, what does she do then?" Eugene asked and Joel cleared his throat, realizing that he had zoned out for far too long. "-To help out, I mean."

He didn't have the heart to bring her back to the constriction site. Not after last time. So now they were back to their usual routine, except he still couldn't let Ellie stay home by herself. Not for long, at least. "Uh, we're still looking, I guess". 

"Does she like readin'?

"If it's got pictures and violence, sure. Why?"

Eugene shrugged. "Just thought maybe she wanted to help out at the library. It's easy work, and Lord knows Esther could use the help."

Esther. Joel wasn't familiar with the name. "What kind of work would she be doing?" he asked.

"Jus' shelf-stocking, nothin' fancy. I figured she'd like it better if she was a fan of books." 

Joel really liked the idea of Ellie working at the library. It was simple, clean, and, most importantly, far away from the gate. "I'll talk to her about it." 

The man shot him a smile and they both looked at the gas station. "The hell you got them doin' in there, anyway?" 
Joel smirked, that feeling of pride swelling up in his chest again. "I, uh, told 'em to look for supplies. I sent Tyler out 'cause he was bothering Jesse."

"Hm," Eugene grunted. "I'm not surprised. Those two never got along." He then looked at him for a few seconds too long, and Joel could already tell he wasn't going to like whatever he was going to say. "Now, forgive me for bein' nosy- it's a bad habit - but... what exactly happened between you an' his daddy?" 

"Eugene-" he drawled, already dreading the conversation.

"I don't mean nothin' by it," he said. " 'S just that all I heard was rumors. Now- I ain't judgin'... just thought maybe you'd like to clear your name is all." 

Joel scoffed. It wasn't so much anger as it was annoyance that made his voice shift into a dangerously low tone. "There's nothing to say. We had a misunderstanding, and I tried to protect my kid. End of story." 

"Hey, I get it," Eugene retreated. "You're clearly good at it- protecting." He gestured at the gas station again. "Hell, you showed these kids more than I ever could, and I've been here a hell of a lot longer than you." 

"Mm," Joel grunted. "They should at least get something out of this. If not, we're just teaching them fear." 

"Yeah, well, fear works. But if you're so eager to get them back to their parents in body bags, be my guest." 

He looked at the man for a moment, studying his features. He had that look in his eyes, one that Joel was all too familiar with. "You got kids?" he asked, reluctantly. Eugene shrugged again, turning his gaze toward his feet. "Uh...a son. I mean- I never did right by him. Little shit moved out the second he could." 

Joel nodded. "I'm sorry". Twenty fucking years and he was still shit in responding to these things. Having Ellie made it easier though.

"Ah, don't be," Eugene smiled and waved him off. "It was a long time ago." It always is. "Shit, I deserved it, y'know. We weren't meant for each other. A few years back - I mean, this was ages ago- he came over and told me that he and his fiancé were expecting a baby of their own. But...he came over to tell me that I'm gonna have no part in it..."

"Shit," Joel swore under his breath. 

"No- no- it was the right thing to do," the man explained. "I made my peace with it. I had to. The whole world went to shit the next day anyways." Despite the sad story, he still wore a sad smile on his face. "You know, the first few weeks, people just drowned themselves in liquor. That's why it ran out so quickly, and it kind of forced me into sobriety. In a way, it's the best thing that could've happened to me." 

He then placed a firm hand on his shoulder. "There's always somethin' good in the bad. You just gotta learn to live with that."

Joel's mind immediately went to Ellie. How she brought out the best parts of him; ones that he figured were gone for good. She saved him. She gave him something to fight for. "Endure and survive," he added, smiling at the memory.

Eugene laughed. "I like that. Where's it from?" Joel shook his head. "Must've been something I picked up along the way..."

The conversation was abruptly interrupted by a piercing scream emanating from the gas station. The men exchanged a concerned glance before swiftly rushing towards the commotion, guns in hands.

The children were discovered behind the gas station, with Cat and Jesse standing over Tyler, who was crying out in agony, resembling a wounded animal. At first, Joel thought the two boys had gotten into an actual fight once his back was turned, but Jesse wasn't that kind of kid. He had proved as much less than ten minutes ago.

As Eugene swiftly approached the scene, his voice pierced through the chaos, barely audible to Joel amidst the deafening ringing in his ears. Kneeling beside the distressed boy, Eugene's urgent words were lost in the commotion. Joel's mind, however, fixated on one overwhelming realization - a child got injured on his watch.

An asshole of a child, but a child nonetheless. 

"What the hell is wrong with you?" he heard Eugene shout at the boy once he got close enough. "-Jumpin' off roofs like that?!"

Joel finally had the chance to get a closer look at the kid. The boy's face was as pale as a ghost, with tear-stained cheeks that instantly made him appear younger. His right leg was bent at an odd angle, almost lopsided. 

He immediately turned his head toward Jesse, whose hands immediately shot up in surrender. "Don't look at me, I found them like this. Swear." Then he looked over at the little girl, and Joel's eyes followed. 

"We were just fucking around!" Cat shouted back, her voice escalating in a panicked tone. "How the fuck was I supposed to know he would actually jump off a fucking roof?!"

"Oh, fuck you-" Tyler shouted through gritted teeth, his words getting interrupted by another yelp as Eugene inadvertently brushed against his injured leg. "You dared me to do it!" He yelled between desperate gasps for air.

"You what?" Joel finally spoke up, his voice sounding mean and gruff as he turned to the girl. However, she didn't cower; instead, she glared right back at him. "Oh, come on! I dared him to jump on the fucking dumpster! It's barely a drop!" She pointed at the dumpster, which was pressed up against the wall of the station. "It's not my fault he missed it!"

Before Joel could scold her further, another one of Tyler's shouts shut him right up. Eugene sighed and shot him an exhausted look that Joel returned. "Well, he'll keep the damn thing, that's for sure."

"Fuck you!" The kid swore again, only this time it came out strained and breathy. The old man looked up at Jesse first. "I'm gon' need you to run and get me one of them horses, y'hear me?" Jesse immediately nodded and ran off without another word. Then Eugene looked at Joel again and gestured at the boy. "You wanna give me a hand?"

Without hesitation, he rushed to the kid's side, mimicking Eugene's actions. He gently grasped the boy's arm with one hand, while the other slid under the boy's armpit. He watched as Eugene somewhat gentled his tone, and guided Tyler throughout the whole thing. "Alright, son, we're gonna lift you up on three, alright?"

Tyler hesitated but eventually nodded in agreement. It's not like he had any other option, after all. 

"Look, kid, I ain't gonna lie," Eugene drawled, trying his best to keep the kid calm. "This is gonna hurt like hell". 

Joel had managed to endure the tough exterior that he had encountered earlier in the morning. However, now it seemed to have vanished from the boy's face, leaving behind a mixture of fear and childlike vulnerability. His lip quivered, and his eyes became watery as if he were on the verge of crying out for his Mama.

"One -" the older man initiated the countdown, ensuring his gaze was fixed on Joel to ensure perfect synchronization. "Two -" They both adjusted their grips to stabilize him. "Three -" they rose, gradually lifting the boy alongside them.

The second that he was in motion, Tyler let out a gut-wrenching yelp, accompanied by, what must've been, every single curse word on the planet, until he was finally standing again. Just in time for Jesse to ride in with Nepal - the fastest horse Jackson had to offer. Boy must've fought like hell to get a ride with that one, yet he was still sacrificing it just so his peer could get back home as quickly as possible. 

The men lead the poor kid to the horse, each of his steps followed by a wince and another string of curses. With each second that passed, Joel got more and more nauseous, and he couldn't figure out why. Maybe it was just the sight of a kid in pain that did it. 

Finally, they successfully lifted Tyler onto the horse, and Eugene followed suit. Just as Joel was about to fetch the remaining horses, the man halted him. "I'll handle it," he insisted. "You stay put. Keep an eye on those two. Maybe try to distract them or something."

"Distract them?" Joel questioned.

"I know his folks, and trust me, it will be easier for me to take the blame."

"No- I'm ridin' with you," he stressed but Eugene quickly put up a hand to silence him. "Look...I don't wanna make this into a bigger thing than it has to be..."

Oh. This wasn't him doubting Joel, it was him trying to keep his reputation intact. People in Jackson already looked at him weirdly, because he punched the town's doctor. If he turned up with an injured kid, they'd kick him out of Jackson. 
He hesitated for a moment, but eventually nodded and watched the two ride off back to town. 

Exhausted and annoyed beyond words, he breathed out a deep sigh and leaned against the gas station again. The ringing in his ears returned, followed by the sound of tires screeching, and that awful scream. His mind jumped from flashes of Tyler limping toward the horse, and a smaller, much more familiar sight.

"Ow! My leg hurts..." A small voice squeaked out.
"How bad?" 
"Pretty bad..." 

He could almost smell the smoke that surrounded them, as people ran around like headless chickens, trying to find a way to survive. He didn't have a choice, he had to carry her. 

"Daddy, those people are on fire-" 

No. No, he wasn't going there. Not right now.

He focused on other things instead. The sound of birds chirping, the wind rushing through the trees, and voices. Not the voices in his head, but the real ones. 

"-What do you even care?" Cat's voice rang from somewhere near the distance. "I thought you hated the guy!"

"I still want him to be okay!" Jesse answered. "Why the fuck would you tell him to jump off a roof in the first place?!"

"First of all, he found the stupid ladder, okay? Second of all, I dared him to jump on the fucking dumpster! But then he aimed weirdly and landed on it with one leg, and then it got all twisted and shit-"

Oh. Fucking great.

Joel rubbed the remainder of Sarah's pained expression from his eyes before making his way to them. He crossed his arms over his chest as his eyes traveled from Cat and back to Jesse. "The hell were you thinkin'?" He scolded, more annoyed than angry. "Do you have any idea how badly that could've gone?" 

"But it didn't!" She shouted back. "We were fucking bored! This whole thing is bullshit, anyway-"

"Oh," Joel interrupted her. "Trust me, kid, I know." Then they just stared at each other for an uncomfortable amount of time. So long, in fact, that Jesse had to excuse himself. "I'm uh, gonna go search for more supplies..." Joel didn't object to it, at least not until Cat stood up to follow the boy.

"Hey- where do you think you're going?" He asked and stepped in between her and the entrance. The girl scoffed. "Who the fuck do you think you are, my dad?"

"No, but until we're out here, I am responsible-" 

"-Let's go back then," she said. "No, really, why can't we just go back? Because you need to distract us?" Before Joel could intervene, she moved passed him, bumping his shoulder in the process. "This is such bullshit!" 

Well, he wasn't going to disagree with her on that. 

Joel gave the kids a second to calm down a bit before following them inside. They were both sat on different sides of the room. Jesse was sitting next to the register, sketching something into a notepad, while Cat sat on the floor by the windows, playing with the dusty surroundings. 

After rummaging through his backpack, Joel retrieved two sandwiches and distributed them. He approached the girl first, extending the sandwich towards her. "Eat," he instructed in a monotone voice. Cat looked at him through her eyebrows and yanked the sandwich from his palm. 

Normally, Joel would sit and wait to see her take at least two bites of the sandwich. But this wasn't his daughter, and it wasn't his job to make sure that she ate. But, in truth, if the girl hadn't been looking at him the way she had - like she wanted to tear his fucking head off - he would've sat there and waited. Just like he would for Ellie. 

Then he moved to Jesse, trying his best to keep his posture neutral. "Here," he said and handed him his portion of the breakfast. "Eat up, and then we'll head back, okay? There's not much to do here anyway."

Unlike Cat, the boy took the sandwich easily and nodded his head as to say thank you. "Okay," he added before returning his attention to the notepad in his hands. 

Talk to him, Joel thought. Let him know that he didn't do anything wrong. Do something! 

But he couldn't do it. He couldn't just talk to him as if everything was normal. Instead, he tapped his knuckles on the counter for a moment before making his way toward the exit to give the teens some space. "Okay..." 

Just before he was about to leave the kids to their own devices, Jesse spoke up again. "I'm not mad at you, by the way."

Joel stopped dead in his tracks, turning on his heels so that he was facing the boy again. The words came out so naturally for him... like he actually meant them. Even his expression didn't seem forced. "Just wanted to clear that up..."

"It's fine if you are," Joel said and stepped closer. "You have every right to be." 

"But I'm not," the boy stressed. "I just...I dunno, I feel bad." 

Joel shut his eyes and leaned on the counter beside him. "Oh, Christ, no- Jesse- you don't have to-"

"No, I know, but-"

"Look," he interrupted him. "Don't let Tyler get to you, alright? I've been around my fair share of Tyler's and I can tell you that most of 'em never achieve much in this world."

A slight smirk tugged at Jesse's lips. "Yeah- I mean, he's always been a dick but...so was my dad. And I'm sorry." 

Joel closed his eyes again and let out a heavy sigh. "No, kid, look...your daddy's a good man. We need more of 'em in this world." He swallowed, memories of that night rushing back to him. "It's just...Ellie's been through a lot. Now, I ain't gonna share anythin' unless I get her permission, but it hasn't been easy. That's why I don't take things like that lightly. You understand?" 

Jesse nodded. "It's still fucked up, though." Then he went quiet for a long time. "Did...did Ellie really have a sister?" 

Joel winced at the word, feeling like someone just shot an arrow through his heart. "Uh," he misled, trying to regain his composure. He's just curious. He ain't usin' her against you. 

"Yeah..." he finally answered, his voice a little choked. 

Jesse frowned and looked at his feet. "Fuck. I'm sorry that my dad said all those things to you-"

"No- it's- it's fine, really." Joel breathed out and pinched the bridge of his nose, to try and get ahold of himself. "He was just tryin' to rile me up. It's...not a bad move, actually."

"Still..." 

Joel pursed his lips and blinked away any more unpleasant thoughts. "Don't go blamin' yourself, kid. Let the adults handle these things."

"I get it if you don't want Ellie to hang out with me anymore..."

"What?" He furrowed his brows. "No- that...did you think that's what was happenin'?" 

The boy shrugged. "I haven't seen her in a while...and last week Tommy said that you left- she didn't even tell anyone!"

Joel quickly lowered his head in shame. "Oh, God. That one was my fault. She didn't tell you 'cause she didn't know that we were leaving. I was tryin' to surprise her."

"Oh..." Jesse's eyes widened. "Oh. Yeah, that makes sense..." He smiled to himself and returned his gaze to his lap again. Joel smiled too, though he didn't even notice it. "Trust me, kid, the fact that y'all both like that Savage Starlight comic, is enough to guarantee you a pass in her book."

The kid's smile widened in amusement. "You read them?"

"Oh, Christ no. Couldn't even get past the first page." That was a lie. He had read almost all of Ellie's issues, just to make dinner less boring. That, and the desperate need for his kid to think he was still cool. "Now go on, whaddaya say we get out of this shithole?" 

That's when Cat's head poked out from behind one of the empty shelves, her cheeks stuffed with food. "Fucking finally!" she exclaimed. "I thought I was gonna fall asleep down there." She then quickly picked up her backpack and ran through the door. 

"How much trouble is she gonna be in?" Jesse asked and packed his notebook and sandwich in his pack. Joel shrugged. "Don't know. It ain't for me to decide."

For the first time that day, Joel only had to focus on one kid. Even on a shitty morning like this, there was something good to look forward to. Even if that something was a moody teenage girl, who was probably going to pee herself from laughing so hard after he told her all about today. There's always something good in the bad. Now it was Joel's turn to learn how to live with the good instead of the bad.

Chapter Text

Another month went by. Breezes became slightly hotter, tinged with a fragrant sweetness as the petals from the fading flowers were released from the trees. The light began to appear a little earlier each morning, and the shadows shifted a bit longer each night. The streets of Jackson were packed with people. Kids ran around screaming and cheering, happy that school was finally out. Even the grown-ups took longer breaks to just sit on their porches.

This was Ellie's first summer that she wasn't surrounded by concrete and soldiers. It was also the first summer where she could sleep in. She was usually forced to run laps before the sun was even up. But lately, she slept until noon if her schedule would allow it.

She started working at the library about a week ago per Joel's request. He was incredibly understanding, constantly mentioning that there were alternative options if this one didn't pan out. One of the alternatives was babysitting, which Ellie had no interest in, so she gladly accepted the library job. Her dad, however, still wasn't fully convinced. 

He kept bombarding her with reassurances, to the point where she was starting to get uncomfortable. "If anythin' happens, you come find me, okay?" 

She just nodded along and rolled her eyes, "Yeah, if a book falls on my head I'll let you know". It was meant to be a joke, but she knew that wasn't what he was worried about. 
Every time Joel was worried about stuff like this, it was because he knew that there would be people involved. He just didn't want another construction site incident. Neither did she. 

"Alright then," he offered a reluctant smile and ruffled her hair. "You be good to Ms. Polastri, y'hear? I don' wanna hear any complaints about your behavior."

Ms. Polastri, or Esther, was currently the only librarian in town. There was another, Paula, but she had recently passed, supposedly from old age though Esther said it was from bitterness. 

On Ellie's first day, the woman welcomed her with a wide smile on her face, which she wasn't used to. All the women in her life had been stern soldiers or teachers. Neither was good since everyone at that fucking school hated her guts. Maria was kinder, but still stern. Esther was the complete opposite of everything Ellie was raised to believe a woman should be. 

She had battle scars all over her arms from her encounters with Infected, and she had a story for every single one. "I got this one while climbing under a fence while trying to escape a horde of Infected!" she told her about a week into the job as they restocked the shelves. Ellie didn't know whether she was exaggerating or not. She didn't care, it was all way too compelling. 

"How big of a horde?" she asked, trying to squeeze every ounce of information from the woman. Esther looked down at her with a sly smirk on her face. "What's the most Infected you ever took out?"

Ellie thought about it. By herself? "I dunno...maybe twelve?" 
That number could've probably been a lot higher with Joel by her side. 

"Well, that's an impressive number," Esther praised. "Now try tripling it!"

The little girl didn't even try to hide the excitement on her face. "No way! You're fucking with me!" Esther chuckled and bumped her shoulder with her own. "Am not!" she stressed. "I don't spend all my time surrounded by books you know."

"Why do you read so much?" Ellie asked and put another copy of Moby Dick on the shelf. 

"It helps me escape, I think. Takes my mind off things."

Ellie nodded, her eyes shining with excitement as they made their way to the tape section. The library always had a bunch of DVDs and VHS tapes that Esther let her borrow at any time, so long as she returned them in good condition. She said that it could be a little secret, just between the two of them. 

"I get that. I draw sometimes so...I guess it's similar."

"Oh yeah?" Esther asked and shot her another warm smile that she had gotten so used to. "Well, you'll have to show me sometime." Before Ellie could intervene, the woman shoved a tape into her hands. "-Maybe you can draw something from this..."

Ellie looked at the VHS tape and was immediately intrigued. "What's Star Wars?" Esther's eyes widened. "Jesus girl! All those space documentaries and your dad never thought to show you Star Wars?" 

"What is it? Is it like...a space movie?" 

"Trust me, it is so much more than just a space movie!"

The sound of the door opening caught the girls' attention and Esther turned around to see an older woman step into the room. "Ah, shit..." she swore. "I gotta take care of this. You think you can handle sorting those by yourself?" 

"Psh! I'm like the sorting master!" Ellie assured confidently before grabbing more tapes than she could carry and, inevitably, dropping almost half of them. "Fuck- shit- sorry. Pretend you didn't see that." 

"You got it," the librarian chuckled and gave her a hand with the tapes before finally stepping away to deal with the person at the counter. Just before she was out of sight she turned back to her. "Oh, and Ellie," she gestured at the Star Wars tape still safely stuck to Ellie's palm. "Our little secret, right?" She then made a zipper motion over her mouth and Ellie couldn't help but laugh. 

She had developed a sense of pride in the simple things since she first began working in the library. Like stocking VHS tapes, and organizing books in alphabetical order. She liked being useful and, strangely, found the same need for approval from Esther as she did from Joel. Nothing connected them. Esther didn't even have kids! Still, she felt like a safe person, just like her dad did. 

She was about halfway done with stocking when she heard a thud coming from behind the bookcases, followed by a string of curse words. Ellie slowly moved toward the sound, poking her head around the shelves of books. She saw Cat reaching for something underneath the shelf on her hands and knees.

"Come on you piece of shit!" she swore, never once noticing her presence. "Fuck! Where is it-?"

"What are you doing?" Ellie finally asked, causing the girl to flinch and hit her head against the bookcase. "Ow! Shit!" 

Ellie couldn't help but chuckle at the state of her. She was splayed across the floor, cradling her head in her hands and swearing like a fucking sailor. "You good?"

"Fuck off," Cat retorted, although her words came across more as a casual remark than a serious warning. She then skillfully maneuvered herself into a seated position and shot her an unimpressed look. "My dad took my cigarettes again," she explained in a hushed voice so she didn't alert Esther. "He, like, picks and chooses when he wants to act like a fucking parent, I guess, so I keep a spare stash under here...somewhere." 

A mischievous glint flashed in her eyes as she shot Ellie a questioning look. "You didn't take them, did you?" she asked, unsure. Ellie swiftly shook her head. "I don't smoke, remember?" she replied. Cat rolled her eyes, her attention now fully devoted to the task of finding her beloved cigarettes. "Right," she exclaimed, a burst of enthusiasm in her voice. "I forgot that everyone in this town is so fucking boring!"

Her eyes suddenly widened with excitement as she proudly revealed a zip-lock bag containing a few haphazardly wrapped cigarettes. Then Cat's expression turned serious again as she pointed an accusing finger at her. "If you tell anyone about this spot I'll fucking kill you."

Ellie scoffed and leaned against the bookcase. "Okay, sure." 

"I will." 

"I don't doubt it."

Cat pouted and scrutinized Ellie from head to toe, her eyes widening in surprise. "Whoa, dude!" she exclaimed, her voice slightly too loud for the setting. In a swift motion, she rose from the floor and grasped Ellie's injured arm, pulling it forward to examine it more closely. "What the fuck happened to your arm?"

Ellie yanked it away real quick, fighting the urge to hug it close like she did when Jesses's dad asked about it ages ago. She didn't blame the girl for staring. It was her fault for choosing to wear short sleeves again. Joel kept asking her if she was sure that she didn't want to cover it up with something but, of course, she stood her ground. 

"It's not like anybody's gonna see it!" 

Yeah fucking right.

"None of your fucking business!" she protested, but Cat wasn't having it. "Why does it look like that?" she asked, either not noticing or ignoring Ellie's discomfort.

She crossed her arms over her chest, trying her best to keep the burn out of sight. "I burnt it," Ellie explained in a hushed tone. It was easier to just tell people at this point. Lord knows that beating around the bush didn't do her any good last time.

"Wait, really?" Cat questioned with an odd grin on her face. "Why?"

Ellie groaned in frustration and rolled her eyes, cursing herself for thinking she had even the least idea how to handle these types of situations. She was the one who wanted to tell people in the first place!

"I don't know- I just did it!" she said, defensiveness rising in her chest. But Cat's eyes held no judgment. In fact, she looked pretty stoked. She said, "No, no, I get it!" as she pulled up her jacket sleeve and held it up for inspection. Ellie just stared at it for a moment, blankly, unsure of what to do. But, as the girl's arm kept inching closer to her face, she noticed a few white lines decorating her ulnar region. 

"See? I do it too!" The girl proudly announced, as if it were something for them to bond over. But Ellie knew better. For once, she did. 

Back in Boston, she knew a lot of girls that hurt themselves. Well, she knew of them. They were always the biggest piece of gossip, for a day or two, before everyone moved on to something else. She didn't understand it at first. Why would anyone choose to hurt themselves on purpose? And why was everyone so obsessed with it? 

It wasn't until the news got out that one of the girls had taken her own life, that she started putting the pieces together. Everyone seemed to have something to say about it. She remembered one of the girls laughing, spewing bullshit like "Well, she took the easy way out, huh?"

And, for the longest time, Ellie believed her. As she grew up, she understood the girls, the dead ones, more and more. She never tried to copy them, not really. Still, she knew it was an option. An option she almost took once.

"The way I see it, we got two options." Riley's voice rang somewhere in the distance. "One, we take the easy way out. It's quick, painless. I'm not a fan of option one..."

A few months later, she and Joel had stumbled upon two skeletons in a bathtub, and she found herself repeating those same words. "Guess they took the easy way out." But Joel's face, mean and angry like it always was back then, shut her up real quick. "Trust me, it ain't easy."

When Ellie finally snapped out of it, her eyes widened and she quickly rolled Cat's sleeve down. "What the fuck are you doing?" She hissed, keeping her voice low as she looked around to make sure the coast was clear. "Put that shit away!"

Cat scoffed and stared at her in disbelief. "Oh, but you can have yours out on display?" she challenged. "Dude, this world's so fucked up, you'd be stupid not to do it! We're the normal ones here!"

Ellie glared at her, Riley's face flashing before her face; empty eyes and rotten teeth threatening to tear into her throat until Ellie pulled the trigger. "This is different," she explained and pointed at her burned arm. Cat frowned and looked her up and down, a slight twinge of disgust forming on her face. She rolled her eyes "Jeez, my bad! Sorry for trying to make you feel better about it!"

Before Ellie had a chance to say anything, Esther walked up, curiously eyeing them. "Everything alright in here?" she asked in her usual cheerful tone. Cat looked at her, big dark eyes begging, pleading with Ellie to, what, stick up for her? It didn't make sense. Ellie didn't even know this girl. However, each time they talked, she learned something new about her. Something dark that should've probably stayed buried. Only, Cat didn't seem to bury much. 

Ellie blew out a breath and looked at Esther. "We're fine," she explained. "Just looking for that book with the scary clown."

"Oh, we switched that section, remember? It's just around the corner," Esther said, pointing in the direction of the book.

Cat glanced at Ellie, a silent expression of gratitude, before flashing the same insincere smile she had given Robin weeks ago. She tried to be discreet about it, but Ellie still caught her stuffing the cigarettes in her jacket pocket as she walked away. No goodbye. Nothing. 

Once alone, Esther looked down at her again. "A friend of yours?"

"Not really," she shrugged. "Just a girl." 

"Hm, well she seems nice." 

Right. Nice.

They went back to restocking the shelves and checking the setup like nothing had happened. The library was otherwise as vacant as any other day, save for Esther having to leave and deal with some elderly Jackson residents in between.

She was nearly finished unpacking all the boxes of books and tapes when Esther brought yet another box to the counter. Ellie was starting to get fed up with all of it, but upon closer examination, she realized that this box was different. It was filled with all sorts of crap: pens, crayons, and some gadgets. 

"What's that?" She asked, eyeing the box.

"Just some lost and found stuff, y'know, things that folks forget." Esther pushed the box closer, offering it up for inspection. "Anything look familiar?" 

She took a peek inside and gently moved the clutter, her eyes scanning for anything interesting. "Oh shit!" She exclaimed and pulled out an old camera. 

"Oh yeah, I forgot about that one," Esther said and gently pried it from her hand. "Old thing's been here for a few months now. Seems like nobody's missing it." 

Ellie's heart almost sprang out of her chest as her eyes instantly widened.  "Can I have it?"
Joel has been harping on about getting a camera ever since he got that picture of her. He went on and on about it but never actually did anything to get it. Maybe this was her chance to do something nice for him. 

The woman shrugged. "I don't see why not. It's been here long enough..." she trailed off and brought the gadget closer to her face. "Ah shit," she muttered. "Sorry kid, I think it's broken." 

"That's okay, I can fix it!" Ellie said, snatching the camera from her grasp to have a closer look. It wasn't that bad. The screen had a few little scratches, but not to the point of making it unusable. Considering the thing's been through a fucking apocalypse, it was actually in good shape. 

Esther didn't look convinced. "Oh yeah? You ever fixed one of them before?" 

"I've fixed my Walkman a bunch, how different could it be?" She heard the woman snicker but before she could so much as glare at her, the woman already had her palms up in surrender. "Knock yourself out, kid. It's probably a hell of a lot more useful in your hands than collecting dust in here."

Ellie couldn't help but squeal from joy. "Thank you- thank you- thank you!"

The librarian gave her a similar look that Joel often used with her. The one that let her know that her joy was encouraged and needed. "Tell you what," she leaned forward as if to share yet another secret. "Why don't you go on home for today? Make sure that camera's all set to go."

"Really?" 

"Sure, why the hell not? You're a good kid." 

A good kid. She was never going to get tired of hearing that. Joel had often likened her to a playful puppy, particularly for the way she tilted her head in curiosity. And damn if she wasn't drawn to praise like a fucking pet, wagging her tail at any given moment. 

"Are you sure?" she asked, unconvinced. "I can stay- Joel's probably not even done with work yet-" 
Before she could make up more excuses, Esther silenced her with a look. She nudged her head in the direction of the door. "Go on, get outta here." 

Ellie eagerly snatched her backpack and deftly tucked the camera alongside the VHS tape, thanking Esther one last time before dashing out the door. As she stepped outside, a wave of scorching air enveloped her, instantly illuminating her cheeks and saturating her senses with a comforting heat. Though she barely had a moment to relish in it, for within a mere five minutes of her journey back home, she suddenly felt a tiny, sharp object prod the back of her neck.

That would've freaked her out when she first came to Jackson. She would have pulled out her knife in seconds, letting it all out on the sorry soul that decided to mess with her. But, by some miracle, four months in this shithole have proven to be quite beneficial. Her trembling hands have finally steadied, and each breath now filled her lungs with newfound ease.

"Ow!" she turned, rubbing the sore spot on her neck. "Are you stalking me again?" 

Dina smiled and tossed the rest of the pebbles on the ground. "I should be," she stressed and moved to walk alongside her. "You're impossible to track down, you know that?"

To be fair, throwing rocks at her neck wasn't her first idea. She began with the element of surprise, opting for unexpected hugs or stealthily sneaking up behind her and playfully covering her eyes. But of course, touch starved and paranoid as she was, Ellie freaked out and Dina never made that mistake again.

"You know I work Fridays," Ellie pointed out and put some force in her step to mess with her friend who quickly rolled her eyes. "I know but I'm bored," she whined and clung to her non-injured arm. "And I think Jesse's been avoiding me." 

He wasn't, and Ellie knew it. He had been planning something for her birthday all week, and was terrible at keeping secrets so he figured distance would be his best ally. He came over to her house a few days ago and asked her if she could help him with a drawing he was making of him and Dina. It was a pretty good drawing too, which made Ellie even more self-conscious about the gift she had planned for her friend.

She helped him with the shading and gave him some advice on how to make the faces more symmetrical. That was it. But Joel didn't see it that way. He came home right as Jesse was leaving and proceeded to interrogate her for about twenty minutes afterward. Ellie didn't understand why he was making such a big fuss about it, but he just kept going on and on about having a boy over when he wasn't home. Maybe he was just having a bad day or something.

"You think?" she looked at Dina, trying her best not to appear suspicious. The last thing she wanted was to ruin Jesse's surprise. "Why?"

"I don't know. Like, I saw him today at the stables, but he just ran off when he saw me. I thought it was because I smelled like horse shit but...I don't know." 

"You do not!" Ellie quickly argued. Dina smelled like lemon and lavender. Even a full day of shoveling shit at the stables couldn't change that. Her friend didn't seem to agree. She delivered a playful punch to her arm and scoffed before her eyes went wide again as if she'd grasped something important.

"Did you ask him yet?" 

Shit. Ellie sucked in a breath through gritted teeth, probably looking guilty as all hell. "Not yet...".

Dina closed her eyes and groaned again. "Dude, it's tomorrow!" she stressed, the grip on her arm tightening. 

Joel wasn't an easy man to convince and Ellie knew that the moment had to be just right for the odds to be in her favor. "I know- I know- I just...I've been waiting for the right time. Plus, I got him something that'll probably make him say yes!" She proudly gestured at her backpack.

"Well hurry up before I invite Hannah instead!" Dina joked though it was hard for Ellie not to take it personally. Her friend was way out of her league. She was so confident that it was hard not to be drawn to her. It certainly wouldn't be a problem for her to make new friends like Hannah...

"I will! And even if he says no I'll just, I dunno, sneak out or something!"

Dina raised her eyebrows and looked her up and down. "You're gonna sneak out? How'd that end for you last time again?" 

Last time Joel just yelled at her a little so it wasn't that bad. But if she sneaked out again, in the middle of the night...he'd probably burn Jackson to the ground and keep her on a leash for the rest of eternity. 

"I really want you to come, you know?" Dina said once they reached Ellie's house and her heart nearly leaped out of her chest.

"I'll be there!" she claimed, a little too proudly for her own good. Truthfully, she was gonna have to put up one hell of a show for him to let her spend the night at someone else's house. Maybe if she pouted and teared up a little he'd be more understanding. "I swear!"

Dina laughed as she slowly backed away toward her own house. "You better be! Otherwise, I'm gonna start throwing bricks at you instead of rocks!" As funny as she tried to make the threat seem, Ellie figured it was best to just hold her to it. 

The girls waved to each other until Dina eventually turned a corner and disappeared out of sight, leaving Ellie with no more excuses. She blew out a breath and finally entered the house. It was still early so Joel probably wasn't back from the construction site yet, but she still called out to him. No response. Good. That meant she still had some time to make a good case for herself.

She took off her sneakers, carefully aligning them with Joel's work boots instead of leaving them all over the foyer, before heading in the kitchen. She checked the sink for any dishes that needed scrubbing, only finding a coffee mug and her bowl from breakfast that still had some oatmeal crusted around it. Joel clearly didn't eat nearly enough to lecture her about her own eating habits. Only he got to blame it on the fact that he hated doing the dishes.

She scrubbed what little there was to scrub before finally retreating upstairs. Some changes have been made to the house in the past month. Joel put a spare dresser in the hallway between their rooms and put Sarah's picture directly on it. He lit a candle for her every single night before going to bed, placing it behind the framed photo to let it burn overnight. When you're lost in the darkness and whatnot. 

Ellie didn't know why he moved the photo from his bedside and didn't bother asking. He seemed happy about it, almost as if this was his way of healing. She sometimes spied on him as he lit the candle, peeping through a cracked door. She studied his features, always expecting an explosion of some kind; a pool of tears that never came. 

Just as she was about to go up to her room to start working on the camera, she noticed that the wax on Sarah's candle was almost gone. She very gently picked up the plate, avoiding the photo at all costs as if one touch could ruin it. This could definitely get her some good points from Joel. It was almost like a video game, collecting XP's until she could level up into a better kid for him. 

She rushed into his room, hoping that she'd find some spare candles. Over the past month, he had started working with wood some more; making sculptures and engravings of all kinds. Apparently, he used to be quite good at it in his 'prime', whatever the fuck that meant. Still, Ellie liked watching him work. She liked seeing the big block of wood gradually get turned into a horse, which seemed to be his main focus. But most of all, she loved seeing him so calm and focused on something other than her. 

The only downside to his new hobby was the state of his room, which had somehow worsened. There were toolboxes all over the floor because someone was way too picky and claimed that certain tools 'won't work the same'. Geez, pretencious much? Despite the mess, he always made sure that the path from the door to his bed was clear so that she could still climb in whenever she needed it.

She walked up to his workbench in hopes of finding something useful before her heart dropped to her stomach. He took her picture off the fridge and brought it upstairs, surrounding it with wooden pieces and measuring tapes. It didn't take a genius to figure out that he was making a frame for her as well. She didn't know what to make of that.

Eventually, - after turning his entire room upside down - Ellie found some candles in his closet and returned it to its rightful place. 

Hours passed and her back was starting to hurt from sitting in a chair for so long, hunched over her desk. Turns out that fixing a camera was not, in fact, the same as fixing a Walkman. There was no salvaging the screen, but she managed to get a few buttons unstuck and turn in the right direction again. "Okay...please work."

She knew how cameras worked, the basics at least. Every few years FEDRA would schedule a picture day so they could update all of their IDs or whatever it was they used to keep track of their growth. 

She took a breath and pressed the power button, praying to any higher power that it worked. It took a few seconds, maybe even a few more than necessary, but eventually a little icon showed up on the screen. Ellie let out a sigh of relief before realizing that the thing was hanging on by a thread and she didn't have any batteries for it. "Fuck!" 

Oh well, she still fixed it. The rest was for Joel to figure out. 

Speak of the devil...

She heard the front door shut, followed by a few quiet grunts. Ellie quickly jumped from her chair and ran down the stairs, stopping about halfway through to watch and study his body language. She found him on the couch, running his palms across his face. Shit. She really needed him to be in a good mood.

After giving him some breathing room, Ellie snuck up and proceeded to lean over the back of the couch and hang upside down beside him. It startled him a little, but his tired expression slowly merged into amusement. "Christ girl- you're lucky I heard you comin'!" 

"Hi," she smiled and somehow twisted herself into a sitting position.

"What're you doin' home already?" he asked, his fingers still massaging the stress lines on his forehead. He obviously wasn't in the best mood. 

"Esther said I could leave early."

"Mm, that's nice of her..." Joel trailed off, surpassing a yawn. Fuck. She had to think of something, and fast. "Uh...how was work?" Ellie asked, though she never asked it like that. She always poked fun at his tired state, claiming it made him look way older, which he did not appreciate. 

Of course, because he noticed everything, her dad caught on. He raised one of his brows and looked her over. "What'd you do?" 

How the fuck did he do that?

"What- nothing! I didn't do anything!" Ellie defended in a way that almost certainly made it sound like she did. "You just seem tired and I figured I'd, uh, check on you or whatever..."

Oh, now he definitely wasn't buying it. "What is this? Did you kill somebody?" 

"No. I'm just being nice!"

"You're bein' too nice," he corrected as his eyes scanned the room. "It's creepy and- Christ, did you sweep?!" 
She did. Out of pure desperation than anything else but yeah, she did.

Instead of answering, Ellie just flashed him a big smile, hoping it'd be enough. Joel's hand slowly moved from his forehead to the bridge of his nose as he let out a low, exhausted sigh. "I do not have the energy for this right now..." he muttered, turning to her with a tired smile. "Alright, out with it." 

"So it's Dina's birthday tomorrow and she's gonna have a party at her house...and she invited me to sleep over too." 

His eyes widened slightly at that, all sense of tiredness leaving him at once. "A sleepover?" He pursed his lips into a thin line and cleared his throat. "And you, uh, you feel ready to be doin' that?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

Joel shot her a look as if to say 'You know why'. And yeah, she knew why, but she'd rather die than admit it right now. "Well, it's just that," he cleared his throat, thinking of a way to approach this. "It's gon' be a new environment. Y'know, new house, new bed..."

"So? That doesn't matter," she argued, trying to keep her voice steady, though she already didn't like where this was headed. 

"Ellie, you still come to me in the middle of the night," Of-fucking-course, he had to bring that up. "'Course it matters!"

"I haven't in a while!" She argued, getting more upset by the second.

"I know, kiddo," oh great, he brought out the nicknames. "You've been doin' so well, and I don't want this to set you back again."

Ellie glared at him, crossing her arms over her chest. "So, what does that mean?" 

He sucked in a breath, turning his eyes to the ceiling as if to send a silent prayer before speaking again. "Look, honey," oh this was gonna suck. "I ain't gonna stop you from seein' your friend, especially not for her birthday. But I don't think you're ready for a sleepover, yet." 

"You don't think I'm ready?" she scoffed, her glare deepening. Joel paid it no mind and leaned further into the couch. "I don't," he said, very matter-of-factly, and Ellie was close to losing it now. 

"But you said that you wanted me to act like a kid!"

"I-" he threw his head back and blew out a breath. She had him cornered, now she just had to strike. "I'm doing you a fucking favor by asking..." she mumbled and fixed her stare on her feet. That, if anything, got a reaction out of him. 

"What'd you say?" He challenged with a hint of that 'Boston anger' decorating his voice.

Every ounce of her body screamed at her to fix this. To give him that stupid fucking camera that she spent hours fixing and apologize to him. But she was so desperate, so beyond starved for friendship, that she couldn't let him stand in between that. One wrong move and Dina could be gone. She didn't have problems making friends; she wouldn't be alone if she stopped hanging out with her. 

One wrong word to Joel and he'd forgive her within minutes. That was the one thing that Ellie was sure of. Sure, eventually it was going to blow up in her face too, no doubt about it. One day, she was going to say something so mean and revolting that he'd have no choice but to abandon her. But, as of right now, he was still just as desperate as her. He would do anything to keep this thing between them working...meaning that Ellie could take advantage of it.

"Why do I have to ask for everything like you know what's best for me?"

With his eyebrows almost touching, Joel sneered and gave her a strange look. "Jesus girl, what do you think this is?" he asked and gestured at the empty space between them. Ellie lowered her head again, fearing that she might've finally crossed the line. 

This was it. She was gonna have to live by herself again because she couldn't just give him the fucking camera...

"I ain't gonna argue with you about this," he sighed again before getting up and heading to the kitchen. He never left first...

Ellie soon got up and practically sprinted after him since she was so anxious to win his favor once more. I'm sorry, she wanted to scream. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Please don't be mad! 
He didn't even look mad, just tired. By the time she walked in, he was drinking a bottle of beer while leaning on the counter.

"What do I have to do?" She broke the silence, her fists clenched by her sides. "I'm better now- you said that!" 

"Ellie..." he let out an exhausted sigh and placed the bottle in front of him. "I really don't have the energy for this right now." 

But she wouldn't relent. Not until she got a "yes" out of him. "What happened to trusting each other?"

"Nuh-uh," he shut her up with a stern look. "I'm not doin' this again. Alright? I'm not in the mood." 

"But you said-" 

"Ellie." He said her name with such conviction that it almost scared her. "I said no. End of story." 

Her throat closed up, knees buckling until she was seconds away from falling to the ground. He hadn't spoken to her like that since they first came to Jackson. Their first fight. His stupid fucking words...

I sure as hell ain't your-

Shut up. Don't go there. 

She saw the regret in his face, though it provided little to no comfort to her. Right now, it wouldn't have mattered if he fell to his knees, sobbing and begging for forgiveness. She'd already decided that she didn't deserve his apologies anyway. Joel moved, trying to slowly make his way to her, but Ellie just turned and bolted to her room. Like a dog with a tail between her legs.

Way to fucking go, asshole. You made your kid cry again. 

His head hurt, different than usual. A throbbing pain, stabbing and poking it’s way through his nerves. 

You screwed up, old man. You always do.

Why does he always do this? Why does he always ruin everything? Ellie was so excited to ask him- she valued his opinion enough to ask him for permission to stay at her friend's house, and he ruined it. She cleaned the fucking house for Christ's sake!

What should he have said? She had just about managed to stay in this house, so he couldn't very well ship her off to a new one that was outside of her newly discovered comfort zone. Who would do something like that?

Who would get upset with her for simply asking questions? 

He looked down at the beer bottle that had glued itself to his fingers about twenty minutes ago. Alcohol never did him any good. Not before, and certainly not after the world went to shit. Still, he had never made an active decision to quit. It was always innocent enough, a beer or two after work until Sarah, God bless her, reminded him about how unhealthy it was. Smartass. 

She was convinced that he was going to get hooked on the stuff and criticized him about it even after he explained that one doesn't just 'get hooked' on beer overnight. Little did he know how right she'd end up being. 

Well, kind of. He didn't get addicted to alcohol, per se, but more so to the comfort of easing his grief. Feeding and indulging it, hoping that one day it would bury him. Alcohol wasn't even his first option, but pills were expensive and oh-so-rare. 

Back then, while his soul was still relatively at ease and she was still with him, he only drank on those unbearable days. A bad day at work, or maybe a date gone wrong if he was so lucky. Today was one of those days. 

Nobody, literally nobody, could do what he had asked of them. The construction site reminded him more of a chicken coop, only all the chickens had their heads chopped off. How fucking hard was it to hammer some fucking boards together? Jesus. 

Six or so hours of relentless bickering was sure to drive him absolutely nuts, and he couldn't wait to just go home and rest his eyes for a while. To just sit in complete silence. Oh, he got his silence alright. 

Ellie, his beautiful, beautiful girl. Joel loved her so dearly. More than anything, he did. But good grief, she sure knew which buttons to press. Timing had never been her strong suit, but damn, was it the wrong time today.

Oh yeah, blame the fifteen-year-old for your actions. That ought to get you the best parent award.

He should've known better by now. His girl was so very sensitive about everything, but he just couldn't think over his words this time. Of course, that's when she decided to talk to him. And, of course, that's when he blew up on her. 

Twenty minutes had passed since the sound of her door slamming filled the house before he was left with total silence. The silence that Joel had initially asked for. But not like this. His daughter's silence was never good, and he soon found himself craving her jokes and stories about her day. Hell, he'd probably be a lot calmer if she were still screaming at him. 

In those twenty minutes, Joel hadn't moved an inch. Not even to bring the bottle to his lips which, in retrospect, was probably for the best. 

Finally, even his dumb, useless brain had agreed that enough was enough and he started climbing the stairs to Ellie's bedroom. On his way there, he looked at the photo of him and Sarah, to somehow ground himself. But the thing that immediately caught his eye was the fact that the candle seemed different than it was last night. Oh God. 

She changed it. She made sure that his first girl had a fresh candle to light. 

God fucking damn it. 

Joel chose to ignore that fact for the time being. If he hadn't he'd most likely burst into uncontrollable sobs, leaving it up to Ellie to put the broken pieces of his soul together yet again. 

Her door was shut, of course, it was. She only kept it open when she wanted him to come in. 

His hand slowly reached for the doorknob but came to a halt before his fingers could so much as graze it. It was as if his brain had stopped working, gluing his feet to the floor and his tongue to the back of his throat. 

Ellie's tear-streaked face popped into his mind and he had to focus very hard not to vomit at the sheer thought of it. God, he was such a fucking waste.

When he finally did regain the feeling in his legs, the only thing he could do was pace up and down the hall, trying to think of things to say. There was nothing. His mind was blank. Maybe if he gave her something to ease the blow first. He had that giraffe figure that he'd been sculpting for a few weeks now...

Talk, you idiot! Talk to your daughter! Don't make her cry and then shower her with gifts like that makes it okay!

Right. Talk.

He must've stood outside her door for so long, it was impossible for her not to hear him. Finally, his knuckles tapped on the wood three times in his signature knock. It wasn't all that creative, but Ellie sure did get a kick out of it.

"Ellie?" He called out as gently as he possibly could. It was probably for the best to keep the pet names away for the time being, so that it didn't come off as manipulative. "It's me," he added once he didn't get a response, only realizing how dumb that sounded once the words were out.

Of course it's you, dumbass! Who else would it be?

"Go away!" Ellie's voice eventually rang out and Joel couldn't help but feel a little relieved to hear her still speaking to him. The only problem was, he didn't know how to proceed now.

"Can I, um," he cleared his throat. "May I come in?" The words felt so unnatural on his tongue that he couldn't help but rest his forehead on the door out of shame and desperation. 

"Fuck off, Joel!" 

Yep, he most definitely deserved that one. "I don't think that's an option right now, kiddo," the pet name slipped out of his mouth before he could process it. 

He waited for another snarky reply or another set of cuss words from her end, but there was just silence. Huh, maybe the pet names worked. Joel then slowly grasped the doorknob but called out before turning it. "I'm gonna come in now, okay Ellie?" 

No response. 

He opened the door and was immediately welcomed by the oh-so-familiar sight of Ellie, curled up into a tight ball and facing away from him, with her backpack pressed against her. "Hey," Joel sighed and moved a little closer, each step forcing her to scoot further from him. He stopped by the edge of her bed, resisting the mighty strong urge to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. 

She didn't appear to be crying. At least, not anymore. That thought wasn't as comforting as Joel would've liked. 

He slowly sat down beside her, maintaining a safe distance. "Ellie, I'm..." he searched his brain for something to say, drawing a blank once more. 

Say you're sorry. Be fucking sorry.

"I'm sorry," he eventually choked out. "It's just been a weird day and I took it out on you. I shouldn't have done that." 

Ellie's shoulders slowly rose and fell with a heavy sigh. "You weren't wrong..." 

He let out a small laugh. "I was. And I had no right to-"

"I can't control when it happens." 

Joel paused, his brain working overtime to catch up and piece her words into the right scenario. "When what happens?" 

"The nightmares," she explained, her voice tight with emotion. "You were right about that."

He shut his eyes, wishing that he could turn back time and think over his every word, ten- twenty- a million times if necessary. "That- what I said, it wasn't right, you hear me?"

She shifted herself into a sitting position, looking directly at him with red, puffy eyes. "No, but you were right. I still come to you." Joel opened his mouth to reply but she beat him to it. "Don't worry, I won't do it anymore."

"What?" His eyes widened. "No- Ellie," he paused. Think before you speak. "Don't put words in my mouth, alright, I never said that. If you need to come to me you come to me. Doesn't matter what it is." 

Without warning, her composure cracked, and she broke into a fit of sobs. Joel froze, unsure of how to proceed. Usually, she let him hold her when she was upset, but if she was still mad at him, his touch would be the last thing she needed.

"Hey," he slowly slid up but before he could get close enough Ellie raised her fists over her face, shielding herself. He got the message and backed up slightly, slowly reaching for her backpack in the process. He knew she despised it when anything touched her while she was like this, so he figured that the backpack pressed against her thigh probably wasn't the best. 

"It's stupid..." she sniffled and brought it close to her. "Everything's stupid." 

There was a pause.

"People don't like me- which is fine or whatever-"

"People like you," Joel corrected, a little offended that she would ever think otherwise.

"People other than you. I can't-" she cut herself off with a frustrated groan. "If I don't hang out with Dina, she'll find better friends, and I'll get left behind."

"Whoah- whoah- hey," Joel placed a gentle hand on her knee, and this time she didn't pull away. "Easy, breathe. What do you mean? Hey- look at me," he gently guided her eyes toward him. "Did Dina say that to you?"

It was such a childish thing to be concerned about that he couldn't believe it came out of her mouth. The girl he met back in Boston all those months ago would never let herself get so vulnerable. It was good, her vulnerability. It just sucked how she got to this level. The level at which she let herself cry over fucking sleepovers. 

He'd seen Sarah cry over very similar things in the past, only she was about half Ellie's age. 

"No," she finally replied and wiped some more tears from her eyes. "I can't believe I'm crying about this..."

"Ellie, what you've been through in the past year...it would be too much for anybody, let alone someone your age. And you've been doing so, so good-"

"Then why are we always fighting?" Ellie cut him off, her eyes piercing his soul in two. "-If I'm doing so good?"

"We're not always fighting," he tried to reason but only managed to ease a scoff from her. "We used to be a team." Joel slowly adjusted his position and carefully sat next to her. "Are we not?" he asked, fear rising in him. 

She hates you. She's going to say that she doesn't want anything to do with you.

"I dunno," she said instead. "We used to decide on shit together. Why do I have to ask you for everything now? How come you get to decide what's right for me?"

Joel sighed and scratched his beard, deciding on the right words. "Ellie, honey, that's what parents do. It's how it's supposed to be."

She just blinked at him, big green eyes scanning his face, searching, begging for something. "I didn't ask you for this so that you could boss me around, you know? I just, I don't know, I love you and I figured this would mean something more."

Without actually realizing it, Joel took her small hand into his and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Look, I don't know what my word means to you right now, but Ellie this, what you've given me, means everything to me."

She offered him a weak smile and hesitantly leaned her head on his shoulder. "Me too," she added as he carefully wrapped an arm around her. "I'm just..." her voice shook a little and Joel unintentionally tightened his grip around her. "I don't want him to control everything anymore. I can't even sleep without him being there and I'm sick of it! I wanna have a fucking sleepover, Joel."

It didn't take him long to figure out who he was. 

"Healing isn't somethin' that just happens," he said, choosing his words as carefully as possible. "And a lot of times, it's gon' feel like you're takin' two steps forward and three steps back. Those three steps ain't pretty and I don't want you to go through that again..." He brought a hand up to her head, running his fingers through her hair. "But if you feel like you're ready...I trust you."

Ellie pulled away slightly in order to look at him better. "Thanks."

Before he could savor the moment for just a few seconds longer, she wiggled from underneath him and walked up to her desk. "Here," she said and handed him a rectangular object.

"What's this?" He asked, looking down at his hands. It was a camera. A real fucking camera. 

"Fixed it for you," she said and sat back next to him again. "You kept complaining that you wanted a camera so I figured, you know..."

 Joel just looked at it for a long time, not sure how to respond. A brief memory of another little girl came to him. "Fixed it for you...". He glanced down at the watch, still wrapped firmly around his wrist twenty years later. 

"Ellie this is..." he blinked away some tears, not wanting her to see him cry after barely getting her act together. "Where'd you get this."

"Esther gave it to me. Some guy forgot it at the library months ago so she said I could have it- but it's out of batteries."

"Ah, well that explains it..."

"Still, it works! You're welcome!" 

Joel looked at her, more love flowing through his gaze than he could ever muster. "Thank you." 

"I wanted to give it to you before," she admitted. "Maybe we could've avoided...all of this." 

Maybe. Or maybe, they were exactly where they needed to be. No matter what it took to get there. 

Chapter Text

Their lips locked, moving in perfect synchrony. With a rush of exhilaration, his hand deftly navigated through the woman's dark curls while the other eagerly extended, drawing her nearer. 

"You got something, right?" she asked as they moved from the living room to his bedroom, still tightly wrapped in each other's arms. "Uh," Joel mumbled in between deep kisses, trying to keep his mind clear. "I think so, yeah".

"Well, you better be sure 'cause babysitters are expensive enough as it is," the woman joked. They both paused for a moment, catching their breath. Joel playfully buried his face between her shoulder blades and let out a small laugh. By the time they got to the bedroom, they were back to acting like teenagers, holding each other tightly and awkwardly pinning one another against walls. 

Just when things were getting interesting, Joel felt his phone vibrating in his pocket. Jill stole another few kisses from him before pulling away slightly "Do you need to get that or...?" 

"It's probably nothing..." he said, still pulling his phone out just in case. "Mm-" he quickly recognized the number and gently touched her shoulder, pulling away. "Shit- yeah- sorry- I gotta take this."

"Oh, um, right..." After taking a backward step, Jill sat on the bed in front of him. She didn't make a scene and just continued giving him sympathetic looks. Joel shot her one back before bringing the phone to his ear. "Hello?" 

"Hi, Mr. Miller- this is Tanya McClain- I'm so sorry to bother you this late...I didn't wake you did I?"

"Uh," he glanced over at the woman, still patiently waiting on his bed. "No, not at all. What can I do you for?"

"Well, it's just that..." the woman paused for a second. "I think Sarah's feeling a little homesick, y'know? She's been crying non-stop since bedtime."

Joel dragged a palm across his face and sighed. "Is she alright?" 

"Oh, yeah. Just a few crocodile tears- you know how it is."

"Does she have her plushie? Sometimes she can't sleep without it-"

"We've tried the plushie- we've tried warm milk- we even let her watch some cartoons but nothing seems to calm her down. Is there any chance you could drive on over here? I know it's late but I don't like driving at night and Steven has an early shift..." 

"Alright, I'll be right there." He hung up and glanced at Jill again. She shot him a smile, pursing her lips into a line. "Sounds like you'll be right there, then." 

"Yeah, sorry it's my kid..."

Jill's eyes widened slightly, mirroring the typical reaction people have when they learn about Sarah. "Oh."

Oh. Yeah, that about summed it up. People his age didn't usually come with kids. Especially not kids old enough to wreak havoc at a sleepover halfway across town. Hell, he was still getting used to it if he were being honest. Six years and he still had no idea what he was doing. 

The first few months are the hardest. Yeah right. 

They made their way to the foyer, and Joel patiently helped the woman put on her coat. He muttered "Well, this was still..." in place of "thank you" because he was running out of genuine apologies. Jill didn't seem to mind, though. 

"Yeah, I guess it was," she agreed. 

"You need a ride? I can probably drop you off on the way if you need."

"I'm a big girl, Joel. I can handle myself." 

Joel sucked in another deep breath to outsmart the silence around them. He loved Sarah more than anything in the world, but goddamn it why couldn't she have picked a better night? 

There would be fewer and fewer nights like this one, he knew there would be, and he'd be lying if he said that he wasn't looking forward to this one. Even before Charlotte, he hadn't been one to seek out romance, per se. There was always more important shit- that had since been proven to be completely useless. A few years ago, the main problem in his life was whether or not he'd pass algebra with Ms. Carter breathing down his goddamn neck. 

"You know," he allowed once they had both reached their cars. "Maybe we could do this again sometime. Finish up what we started?" 

Jill leaned on the roof of her car and looked him up and down, her silhouette illuminated by the street light in front of his house. The sight almost made Joel believe in God again. She pouted ever so slightly and tapped her fingers against the roof, almost as if she were considering it.

She smiled before opening her car door, which told Joel everything he needed to know. He nodded and pursed his lips into a thin line. Yeah, that's usually how these things end anyway.  "You have a good night ma'am." 

"Goodnight Joel." 

He couldn't help but think of Lottie as he drove. It always seemed to come down to her. Joel tried his best to keep his brain clear of her for the most part but allowed himself some moments of vulnerability now and again. Sometimes it was out of anger, hurt, maybe even hatred. But that wasn't true. He didn't hate Charlotte. He couldn't. Not while she gave him the best thing that's ever happened to him. 

Perhaps it was curiosity. The what-if factor. What if she had stayed? Maybe she could've been the one to drive over at ten o'clock on a Friday night to pick up their distraught kid. Maybe Sarah wouldn't have ever been distraught, to begin with. 

Joel often imagined her somewhere with the fancy people that put on shitty Broadway shows that she'd enjoy. Somewhere East, probably. Well, anywhere away from Texas. She always thought that she was above Austin, which made sense. She was a rich girl. She could afford to think of herself as above all else. In a way, it was her birthright. 

Speaking of rich people...

He pulled his car into the driveway of the McClain household. It was in a suburban town, with white picket fence houses that all looked the same. Huge buildings; each one looking more like the other. Joel was very familiar with neighborhoods such as this one, and even more so with the people in them. Rich, white rednecks who ate and breathed gossip- disguised as that good ol' Southern hospitality. 

Mrs. McClain opened the door for him, wearing a shower robe with rollers in her hair. "Oh, thank you so much for coming at such short notice," she praised as if him picking up his kid was an inconvenience of some sort. She then blew out a breath as if it were an inconvenience to her, which Joel did not appreciate. 

"Oh gosh, excuse my appearance. I was just getting ready for bed and didn't get the chance to make myself presentable..." 

Sure. Joel knew exactly where this was going by now. He always noticed the looks these women shot him at any school event or meeting. It wasn't anything big most of the time. Some googly eyes here and a hand on his arm there, but it was enough to make him uncomfortable. 

It made sense, to a degree. He was young and single - not to mention a dad - and they were either bored or freshly divorced. It's a tale as old as fucking time.

"Is Sarah ready?" Joel interrupted the woman before things got out of hand again.

Mrs. McClain frowned and let out an exhausted sigh as if she had just realized that he wasn't here to indulge her. She leaned back and called out for his daughter, clearly sounding offended. "Sarah, your dad's here!" 

Not even five seconds later, his girl ran from around the corner and immediately buried her little face into his torso, clinging to him for dear life. Joel grunted a little at the force of the hug, before placing a gentle hand on her head. 

She had her backpack on and held her giraffe plushie in a death grip, never looking up at him once. 

Mrs. McClain kept trying to tell him something, but Joel wasn't really listening anymore. One look at his daughter and every regret about the night left his head at once. 

"You good?" He whispered and gently tightened his grip around her shoulders. Again, she didn't say anything and simply nodded into his shirt. 

Joel thanked the woman before leading them to the car, Sarah's hand snugly wrapped around his own. He helped her with the seatbelt and tried to read her expression. She didn't seem sad, and her eyes weren't puffy, but something definitely wasn't right. 

It wasn't until they were away from the house that he decided to break the silence.

"You wanna tell me what happened?"

He glanced at her in the rearview mirror and watched as she played with the toy, making it hop from one knee to the other. It was too late for her to still be out of her pajamas, but he tried not to read too much into it. 

Sarah shook her head, brought her plushie close again, and rested her cheek against it. Joel focused back on the road, trying his best to get rid of the knot that formed in his throat at the sight of her. But he kept quiet, writing it off as homesickness. 

The next time he took a peek at the rearview mirror she was out cold, the giraffe slipping from her grip. Figures. There was only so much energy that could be stuffed within a six-year-old. 

He took his time climbing out of the car, doing everything in his power to not wake her. Strong hands took hold of her tiny frame, gently resting her head on his shoulder, cradling her like he used to before time took that away too. Every parent longs to have their child stay little for as long as possible and, even though he was now feeling it as well, Joel didn't really understand the feeling.

He certainly didn't miss the baby vomit on his clothes, or the horrid diaper changes in the unholy hours of the night. So what was it that he missed? The fact that she was forced to exist at the palm of his hand, and blindly trust that he would keep her clothed, fed, and safe?

No, no that wasn't it. It wasn't even something worth missing. He loved that she was growing, despite the pain it caused them both. For her, it was the blood-soaked tongue after losing a tooth or a restless night. Sometimes she scraped her knee at the park, but even then she got to pick out a pretty band-aid for him to kiss and make better.

She kept getting taller, blaming it on the milk in her cereal when in reality, Joel knew that wasn't the case. She was growing because life demanded it. It had big plans for her, Joel knew that it did, because of how she loved. The world needed love; the kind of love that he couldn't give just yet. So he gave her instead.

With each passing day, she was getting closer and closer to coming into her own, leaving it up to the cruel world to do with her as it pleased. All that he could do in the meantime was watch closely and keep his arms outstretched to catch her if needed. 

Until then, he could still put a dollar under her pillow and hold her through the nightmares. And if her skin ever dared to scrape, he'd put a pretty pink bad-aid over it, and kiss it better. 

That's what life demanded of him. If he was so useless that he couldn't love every living thing like Sarah could, he'd love her instead. So long as his love was poured into someone with her heart, it wasn't in vain. And that's all he could do. 

"Joel," Ellie tapped him on the shoulder once the hug had stretched out far beyond the normal limit. "Joel I gotta go."

"Right- yeah," he quickly released her and took a step back, looking her over. "You, uh...you got everything? Toothbrush? PJ's...all that?"

She rolled her eyes for what must've been the millionth time that day. "Yes, I have everything I could possibly have! Can I go now?"

Joel raised his brows and looked her up and down again. "Oh yeah? Everything?" he reached into his back pocket and pulled out her joke book. "Guess you won't be needin' this then..."

"Hey! Fuck you!" Joel toyed with her hair once more before she was able to tear the joke book out of his clutches after much tossing and turning. She blew a strand of hair away and tucked the book in her backpack. "Dickhead." 

For the record, Ellie knew that he was stalling. It was painfully obvious by the number of times he made her double-check every little thing that she could fit in her backpack. The strange thing was, she didn't really mind. It felt necessary, like the kind of thing girls her age used to have to deal with before the Outbreak.

This was going to be her first official sleepover and her first-ever birthday party! She hadn't felt this excited since... well, probably since she kissed Riley in that mall.

The only downside was the small twinge of guilt that had settled in the pit of her stomach. She felt like a hypocrite, leaving Joel all alone when she knew how difficult it would be for him. For both of them.

Don't be a fucking baby about this! It's gonna be fine. Everything is fine!

"You sure you're gonna be okay without me?" Ellie tried to joke, though her voice had a hint of seriousness. She just had to pray that Joel didn't notice it.

He smirked, either not noticing or acknowledging her voice's concern. "I'm gonna be jus' fine. Might actually get some work done now that there'll be some peace and quiet around here." 

"Ha-ha," she rolled her eyes again before dread hit her again. "You think she'll like the gift?"

Ellie had spent just about every waking moment of the past few weeks behind a desk, trying to make sure that everything was perfect. Joel helped, always trying to meet her demands halfway to the best of his abilities, the poor guy. 

"Sure she will! Besides, if she's really your friend, a gift shouldn't matter all that much!" 

"Well, what would you know?" She shot back and grabbed her backpack off the floor, swinging it over her shoulder. "Your only friend is Tommy." 

"What, are you saying we're not friends?" he snorted and held the front door open for her. Ellie took the opportunity and leaped off the porch, jumping over the set of stairs in the exact way that Joel had told her over and over again not to. Sure enough, by the time she turned around to face him, he looked about ready to jump after her. "Will you stop that? You're gonna break somethin'."

"It's, like, four stairs!"

"Point still stands." 

She rolled her eyes and took the liberty of walking in front of him, though it didn't take long for him to catch up. "I dunno," she muttered, circling back to his previous question. "Aren't you kinda, y'know, past your prime for that?"

"Oh is that what we're calling it now?" Joel scoffed. "Well, forgive me, your highness. Didn't know your standards were so high."

She turned around, breaking into a backward trot, and shot him a mischievous smirk. "What can I say? I'm a changed woman." 

She'd never say it, but she did see Joel as her friend. But it went further than that, she just didn't have the vocabulary for it yet. For any of it.

Love was something girls like her weren't even allowed to dream of and yet, despite all odds, Ellie had always been somewhat familiar with the feeling. That feeling of someone watching over her, protecting her, and it stuck.

First, it was Riley. That girl was ready to break jaws if anyone looked at her weirdly. It felt good, oddly enough. Seeing the blood on her knuckles, dark skin tearing at the edges like pages out of some storybook that FEDRA kept for the little kids. The story of the wolf massacring a field of sheep, only because it was in its nature to do so. Bloody gums and wasted flesh drawn on the page in such detail that it had every child crying. 

Wolves traveled in packs, that's how nature made them. They sought out their own kind, someone who moved as they did. Someone who would kill and tear holes into living, breathing things if they dared hurt even a single member of the pack. 

Riley was a wolf. She moved at night, rising with the full moon and seeking shadow once the sun came back up. Though she wasn't quite as blood-thirsty as the wolf in the book. Perhaps it was because that wolf existed for, and by himself. Perhaps he was lonely. 

Joel was lonely. He tried to hide it and brush it under creaking floorboards, but he was. And he hurt people. A lot of people. His knuckles bruised just as badly as Riley's, fighting the same battles as hers. Keeping Ellie safe. Keeping her sane. 

And if that wasn't friendship nothing ever would be. 

They reached the crossroads where they had both agreed to part ways. Joel would turn right, to Tommy and Maria's place, while she made her way to Dina's on her own. It was best that way. No fourteen-year-old still needed their parents to escort them to fucking sleepovers...right?

There was no hug this time, probably because neither of them would let go again. After some more reassurances from Joel - the ones where he made sure that she knew that he was only a few blocks away - and a gentle nudge to the shoulder, they were left to their own devices.

Joel navigated his path toward his brother's abode, silently reciting the same mantra that had echoed within him ever since the day he first met Ellie. 

She'll be okay.

He wasn't sure of many things in life but he always knew that to be true. If a Clicker charged at her, he'd throw his body in front of hers gladly, and if a hunter ever dared to point a gun at her head, he'd take the bullet without hesitation - if he failed to tear the guy to shreds beforehand, of course. 

That was the one thing he vowed to himself when she was put in his care. It didn't matter what fate had in store for him; he was already a lost soul. However, Ellie, without a doubt, would forever remain safe and sound.

And she will be okay. She was probably already laughing and goofing around with her friends.

She'll be okay. 

His feet barely made contact with the porch before the front door shot open, his brother standing in the frame. "Hey," he said breathlessly as if he had just run a marathon, and pulled him into a quick brotherly embrace. Right off the bat, Joel knew something was off. Still, he furrowed his brows in confusion and awkwardly returned the embrace, choosing not to pay mind to it.

"How you doin'?" Tommy asked once they separated, though he still kept a hand on his shoulder. Now Joel was even more confused.

"Fine," he answered, though it came out sounding like a question, and eyed the younger man up and down. "You good?" 

Tommy's expression shifted to one of confusion, mirroring his disbelief as he leaned back and scrutinized the person before him. He didn't look well. His face was pale, eyes reddening at the edges. Instead of answering his question he slowly moved them into the foyer, away from the humid summer air. 

"Dropped Ellie off at Dina's for the night," Joel explained, trying to shake off the weird feeling in the pit of his stomach. It worked, for the most part, easing a light chuckle from him. "Well, not really. She insisted on going by herself. Girl's already gettin' sick of me, I guess. Can't say I blame her if I'm bein' honest...

He spun around to find Tommy lingering by the door, clutching the doorknob as if seeking support. Normally, his face would instantly brighten at the mere mention of Ellie, particularly when she was being a smart-ass. However, at this moment, his face remained locked in a state of confusion and concern.

"Alright, what the hell's up with you today?" Joel damn near demanded, the pit in his stomach getting harder and harder to ignore. Tommy opened his mouth to answer before Maria came down the stairs, her entrance shutting him up. She seemed to be in a better mood today, mainly because she wasn't shooting either of the brothers dirty looks. 

They exchanged their customary greetings, casting gentle and kind smiles towards each other. However, as the silence descended upon them, Joel found himself compelled to provide an actual reason for standing in the middle of their house.

"I, uh, heard y'all got some papers I gotta look over?" 

"Mm, yes!" Maria said and clapped her hands together. "I'll just be a minute." 
She looked at her husband and back to Joel, looking at him the same way that Tommy had previously, before leaving to retrieve the papers. 

As soon as his sister-in-law was out of sight, Joel glared at his brother again, silently demanding an answer to his previous question. Tommy's grip around the doorknob loosened, and he slowly moved toward him. "Are you sure you're okay?" he asked again and Joel almost laughed in response.

"Are you? Cause, no offense, but you ain't exactly lookin' that sharp right now."

Tommy's face swiftly shifted, morphing into a much sharper expression. A look of terror, if you will. "Do-" he cleared his throat, seemingly unable to finish his sentence. "Do you really not know?"

Maria appeared in the room again, Joel could see her in the corner of his eye, but he didn't pay her attention right now. No, his stare remained on Tommy, who was now fidgeting and tilting his head like a fucking dog, trying to grasp a command. 

"Know what?" He asked, his voice lowering. The pit in his stomach wasn't really a pit anymore. It was more of a bruise, suddenly resting right underneath his ribcage. 

Tommy shifted his weight from one foot to the other, anxiously trapping his bottom lip between his teeth, as if considering his answer. "Well, it's-"

"Tommy."

That was Maria's voice, loud and stern enough that both men immediately shifted their gaze to her. Now her expression was set to stone once again, only the death stare was directed toward her husband rather than Joel. She was holding a brown envelope, that had since been wrinkled by her ever-tightening grip. 

"Don't," she warned, her tone dangerously low.

This wasn't Maria intentionally withholding information from Joel just for the sake of it, no. It was her way of safeguarding him, protecting him from potential harm. The way a mother would. 

It was the scariest thing on the planet.

Joel turned back to his brother with newfound determination. "Tommy." The name left his tongue with enough venom to kill a passing fly. It was Joel's way of making it known where things stood right now. He was the big brother. He called the shots, and he was going to get his way. 

Tommy shut his eyes tightly, letting the seconds tick by before finally opening them again. 

"It's July twentieth." 

And just like that, Joel's heart was in his fucking stomach, adding to the already unbearable pain that had been sitting there since he dropped Ellie off. "No..." Joel shook his head. "No, it- it's not. Alright, I checked. It's not-" 

He turned his head to Maria, praying with her to back him up and tell him that his brother just got the dates wrong. That he didn't forget his own daughters-

No. No that couldn't be. He had a calendar at home and kept track of everything on the damn thing.  

Three dates had been haunting him for the past two decades. His birthday, Sarah's death, and...

"You said that the dates aren't always accurate, right? That- that folks get them messed up all the time. Right? You said that, Tommy-" 

Maria shut her eyes, resting her forehead against the doorframe in defeat. Joel noticed, and everything went quiet. Jesus, he was going to throw up. 

"Joel..." Tommy's voice rang out, though it seemed distant. It all made sense now. His almost sickly state, the questions, the fucking hug he gave him...it was all too familiar. 

In the days when they resided in Boston, and humanity had not yet completely lost its sense of time, Tommy remained steadfastly by Joel's side on the twentieth, just to make sure that he'd survive it. He was the only one who felt his brother's pain to such an extent. That all went away after they went their separate ways, which meant that Joel's life was fully and solely in his hands for years. 

It made sense, though, that Tommy was now back to worrying about this shit. Cleaning up his brother's mess, once again. 

Joel shut his eyes and buried his face in his palms out of, what, shame? Guilt? 
"Jesus Christ..." he uttered, a barely audible plea of sorts. 

He refused to look at Tommy or Maria before all but rushing out the door, his steps coming to a halt on the porch. Maybe it was embarrassment, or perhaps the simple realization that she was slipping away from him, bit by bit.

Muffled voices were coming from inside the house, followed by heavy footsteps marching behind him. "Look, I didn't mean to...y'know," Tommy's voice called out, though Joel didn't turn to face him. "I just- I thought-"

"Yeah, I know what you thought," he shot back, meaner than intended. He wasn't upset with his brother. Not really, at least. It was all just so...hard. 

"You wanna come back inside?" It was more of a demand than anything, and Joel knew why. This was Boston all over again; Tommy putting him on a fucking suicide watch just for the hell of it. 

Joel's fingers brushed against the broken glass on his watch, tracing each detail as if it were completely foreign to him. Maybe he missed a detail of some sort; an engraving he overlooked or maybe a tiny screw left untouched. But that wasn't the case. It couldn't be.

"No, I uh, think I'm gonna head back."

"Where are you gonna go? Huh? Back home?"

"I don't know!" Joel finally turned around, his fingers still unintentionally locked around the watch on his wrist. "Maybe, alright? I just...can't be here right now."

"Yeah, well, going back to that house won't do you any good-" his brother glared down at him. "-So you might as well just come back inside."

"Oh, what the fuck do you know Tommy-"

"-I know that Ellie isn't there. You said she's stayin' over at Dina's right? So, what are you gonna do now?" 

Joel swallowed hard, turning his head away. Tommy knew him better than anyone. So much so that he managed to figure out his plan before he ever had the chance to. 

The second that Joel stepped outside, he had only one thing on his mind. Ellie. 

He was going to go back home and probably put on a movie for them to watch; anything to keep his mind occupied. There he could keep her close as a silent reminder that he needed to stay strong for her. That she was still there. 

But Ellie wasn't home, and wouldn't be until tomorrow. So he was pretty fucked. 

"Just come inside, okay? Let me pour you a drink or somethin'," Tommy pleaded in a much gentler voice. 

Joel let out a shaky breath, cursing himself for, well, everything. He hated it when people saw right through him. It made him feel weak. Used. Ellie seemed to be the only exception to that. She could do with him as she pleased and he'd still come crawling back for more. 

"Gimme a minute," he drawled before slowly collapsing on the stairs of the porch, catching his breath. 

Memories hit him like a fucking avalanche, burying him until he could barely think. Thankfully he didn’t have to think for long before there's another form beside him. The form was lighter now, he could feel it, and it didn't intend to hurt him. 

"I know you probably won't see it this way," Maria's voice offered. "-But this is a good thing."

The word almost made him laugh again. "A good thing?"

She nodded. "Means you're healing."

Joel didn't believe her, though he wanted to. Oh God, he wanted to. 

The only thing that ever meant anything to him was his kid. Well, kids. At times, it almost seemed like his heart was incapable of loving anything else. There was Tommy too, and Maria wasn't half-bad, but Christ, the love of a kid...

Nothing would ever come close to it. Nothing at all. 

So how dare he forget his own daughter's birthday?

"I don't know what happened..." he admitted, though the words didn't fully register until they were out in the open. 

"Let me ask you something," Maria leaned closer. "With Ellie, did you ever say anything wrong? Or misread the situation and made it worse?"

Now he allowed himself a slight chuckle. "More times than I can count." 

The woman smiled back and nodded her head. "So, you screw up," There was a softness to her voice that was completely new to Joel, and he waited for her to continue before deciding what it meant to him. "You know who screws up?"

Idiots, he wanted to answer, but didn't get the chance to. 

"Parents," she allowed. "You're back to square one. Which means that you have to learn to trust yourself again. Get comfortable."

"With what?" There was a pause before he spat out the next part of that question. "The fact that my daughter's dead?" 

Those two words should have never, ever, been placed together. It wasn't right. However, there was a surprising ease with which he was able to spit the words out. Twenty years must've had an effect after all. 

He wasn't trying to hurt Maria by saying any of this, and it looked like she was well aware of it. Because she wasn't trying to hurt him either. 

"No, with the fact that you're not."

Hm. Ain't that a bitch.

Joel pressed his lips into a thin line, allowing them to ease into a comfortable silence. 

"Believe me," the woman eventually continued. "Took me a lifetime and a half as well. But," she gestured at herself. "Here we are." 

He offered another smile, not out of mere politeness, but more so gratitude. Another wave of silence passed them, though it didn't feel forced. It gave him time to think; bring his mind to ease. 

"She would've been...shit, thirty-five now, I think." 

"Fun age to be." 

He scoffed, a smirk tugging at the corners of his mouth. "Sure." Then he frowned again, his mind taking him to those ugly places once more. "I miss her. I mean I don't, y'know, say it as much as I should but..." 

He cut himself off with another laugh. 

"Y'know, when she was born, I was sure that she hated me. I mean, she cried every time I picked her up - but jus' me, no one else - and she gave me that look like she could see right through me. I swear that girl was plannin' on killing me from day one." 

"Did she?"

"Shit, almost."

They both laughed. Genuinely laughed.

 Maria then stood from the steps, rubbing her palms against her pants and letting out a deep, content, sigh. "For what it's worth," she looked down at him again. "I think you're doing a good job. -With Ellie, I mean. A real good job." 

Joel's eyebrows immediately went up to his hairline. "Is that so?"

"I mean, I sure as shit couldn't do it. Besides, the girl adores you so...must be doin' something right." 

Pride swelled in his chest until it almost filled the void still leftover. The pain was still there, of course, it was, but not as bad. Or maybe his mind just wasn't as focused. He was going to feel like a piece of shit in about five minutes, no doubt about it, but that was still five minutes away. He could lie to himself until then; trick his mind into believing that he hadn't forgotten about her. 

And he hadn't. He never would. 

"But seriously," Maria continued. "Don't beat yourself about it. It's one birthday. I'm sure she don't love you any less because of it."

"Mm," he nodded. "Funny." 

"What I'm trying to say is that I get it. And I know. I know it sucks and it...hurts. And I'm sorry."

"For what?"

She shrugged. "Cause it doesn't get easier. And now we gotta live with that." 

"Gotta get comfortable, I guess."

"Yeah," she smiled again, despite the sadness in her eyes. "Yeah, I guess." 

And just like that, she offered one more smile, a mother's smile, before returning inside. Now he was alone again, on the steps of a porch that wasn't his, one girl at a birthday party, and another underground miles away from him. The hell was he supposed to do now?

The first drink didn't do much, because it never did. Second one merely lingered on his tongue for a minute or two, still failing to ease any type of pain in his soul. By the third drink, it became clear that he wasn't supposed to be drinking whatsoever, and by the fourth Tommy agreed. 

The only reason that his brother had offered him a drink in the first place was to keep him in the house. To keep an eye on him and make sure that guilt didn't make him reach into his bedside table for the thing that he suddenly ached so badly for. It wasn't a bad strategy, in truth. Hell, it worked. 

But before the whiskey could have any sort of positive effect on him, Tommy ripped it away from him. Easing shit with alcohol wasn't gonna do him any good either. Maybe he was just beyond help. 

"One more for good measure?" Joel tried but was met with an unimpressed look from his brother. So he went for a different move. "One more for her sake?"

Tommy frowned. "It's not even eleven yet, Joel."

"Yeah, well, it's my kid's birthday so..." he edged the shot glass toward him, knowing that he had him cornered. 

His brother wasn't stupid. It was clear that he realized his mistake of giving him alcohol the second he poured him that first glass. Still, he filled it up again, looking at him as if to say 'This is your last one'.

Their glasses clicked, lingering against one another for a second longer than they should've been. "To Sarah," Tommy smiled carefully.

They slammed the drinks against the counter before gulping it down, almost desperately. That one hit the spot, already making Joel feel light as a feather. It didn't take a genius to figure out that he was going to be drinking himself to sleep that night. 

"Happy birthday, baby girl."

Tommy eventually did let him go back home, but not before asking one thing of him. "Tell Ellie I say hi."

That was nothing more than another plea for Joel to stay alive. Putting Ellie's existence back into his head, making him remember that he had another daughter to stay alive for. Another little girl who needed him. 

In truth, Joel wasn't thinking of taking his life. Not really. Sarah's birthday was always one of the toughest days of the year, but somehow, this year felt different. Perhaps it was Jackson. Or perhaps it was that little freckled face that kept popping up in his mind. Her auburn ponytail and crooked smile melting his heart all over again. 

As much as he adored Ellie though, he couldn't wait to just drink his whole day away the second he got home. He had the house to himself, might as well make use of it. 

That was until he got close enough to the house, that he spotted a figure sitting on the steps of his porch. Joel's brain immediately went into panic mode, thinking it was Ellie searching for him. A thousand different scenarios flashed in his mind. Was she hurt? Did she get into a fight? Christ, did she kill someone?

It wasn't until he got closer that he remembered that Ellie's hair wasn't blonde, and she pretty much never kept it in a braid.

Oh.

Oh fucking hell.

Chapter Text

The first week was the hardest. Everything felt out of place, distant. Their 'house' - if it could even be called that at this point - lost its charm pretty early on, leaving Abby aching for something...more. 

However, despite this, Jackson had lived up to its expectations. No amount of anger and shame could take away the warm feeling of food settling in her stomach. Or the freakishly good night's sleep that she later felt guilty about. If it rained, there was a house for her. A roof over her damn head out of the goodness of people's hearts. 

Jackson was stable. For the first time, she could truly call a place her own, without the haunting specter of uncertainty lurking in the shadows.

But it was the Fireflies who had inadvertently granted her this respite. They were a flawed bunch, imperfect in their own right, yet they had become her only tether to a sense of belonging. Through their shared experiences and shared hardships, they had forged a bond that transcended mere blood ties. They were her family, albeit a fractured one.

Well, mostly.

Her dad was always lingering now, his sentences left hanging in the air, never fully articulated. When he did talk, it was always about her. Did she like the town? Was the house okay? Were people nice? To which she always answered the same way:

"I guess." 

"That's good," he said back, leaning against the doorframe of her room. It was still just as plain as it had been the day they arrived. She didn't bother making it her own. It didn't matter; she wasn't planning on staying long anyway. 

There was a newly familiar silence that enveloped them once more. It usually lingered after dinner or in the early mornings, but it found its way to sneak into small cracks in their conversations. 

"So, they offered me the job at the clinic. Could be fun."

Her eyebrow arched cautiously, a glimmer of annoyance fading from her expression. "Wait, they don't have a doctor?" she questioned, her voice laced with disbelief.

"One. Seems like a good guy. Has a son your age, I think."

Abby offered a dignified nod, her gaze returning to the book resting on her lap, desperately wishing that would mark the conclusion of their interaction. However, the silence was shattered by the ominous creaking of the floorboards, and he inched closer, his weight shifting uneasily from one foot to the other. 

"You, uh, found anything for yourself yet?" 

That was the one rule of Jackson: they had to work. Earn their keep, in a sense. 

"Not really. I mean, they have patrol routes that I could try..."

"You should do it."

She just blinked at him. Seemed like that was all she was good for now anyway. 

"Okay."

The patrol wasn't a half-bad idea, as it turned out. It provided Abby with ample space to wander and untangle her thoughts, granting her a sense of tranquility. In the initial weeks, she clung to Owen like a shadow, traversing only the paths that bore his name, seeking solace in familiarity. That was until his tongue took the shape of her father's, his words lingering just as well as his did. 

It hurt. There was no reason to pretend otherwise. 

She moved away from him bit by bit, trying not to make it too obvious that she had been avoiding him. Still, he kissed her just the same and placed his hand on the small of her back like he always had. And fuck, if it didn't feel just as nice as it did when he'd first done it. But it didn't change the fact that Abby knew him better than anyone. 

Only Owen seemed to have forgotten about that part. About a month into their stay, Abby caught him leaving her house when he knew damn well that she wasn't there. That was the first sign that something wasn't right, especially with how pale his face got. 

"Hey-"

"What are you doing?" 
Not, what are you doing here? No, she knew exactly what she was asking. In a way, so did he.

"Looking for you," he answered, phrasing it as if it were a simple question. As if this was a simple situation. 

"You knew I had patrol," she pointed out and moved in front of him, blocking his exit. She could read him like a fucking book, and he knew it. He knew it, yet he still shrugged his shoulders like she didn't know what she was saying. "I thought Jordan was working at the pharmacy today."

"I didn't go with Jordan, I went with Mel." 

Mel had become, what Abby would consider to be, a safe haven in the past weeks. A crumb of familiarity that Owen and her dad no longer provided. Both men felt like completely different people now, but not Mel. She was still that same girl that Abby got wasted with every chance they got back in Salt Lake. 

They'd never been friends, at least, not strictly. But they were always kind to each other, and that's what Abby needed more than anything now. Kindness. Not pity or condescension. Kindness.

So, they started going on patrols together. Well, as much as Mel's schedule would allow. When she wasn't outside the wall fighting Infected, she was helping her dad at the clinic, much like how she did at St. Mary's. On those days Abby still had Jordan, and if he wasn't available, she was prepared to make do with the kids in Jackson. And they weren't half-bad...all things considered. 

Dinner was quiet that day as well, both Abby and her dad keeping their gazes on the god-awful soup that he had managed to put together. A few months ago, she would've teased him about it like crazy, but she didn't have the energy anymore. Anger had a habit of washing out a person, and that was exactly what was happening to Abby. She was exhausted. 

"So," her dad finally spoke up. "Owen tells me that you've been avoiding him..."

Ah. So he did notice.

Abby paused, the spoon lingering in the space between the bowl and her mouth. "You're talking to Owen, now?" 

Truthfully, she wanted to tear her dad's whole face off if it meant getting to the truth. But more than that she wanted him to tell her the truth himself. God knows she gave him enough chances. 

"Here and there. I just wanted to check that you two were...you know, okay."

She cringed and dropped the spoon back into the bowl, spilling some drops of broth on the table. She wasn't too keen on discussing her love life with her dad even before he started lying to her, and she sure as shit wasn't planning on starting now. 

"We're fine."

Were they? Did it matter? 

"Good. That's- yeah, that's good." There was a pause, uncomfortable silence ringing through them until it hurt. "Are we okay?"

The question jolted her, causing her to instinctively raise her head and meet his gaze. There was such profound sadness behind his eyes, a desperation that Abby had only ever seen in him when he talked about her mom. And she wanted to say yes; to cry and forgive him and crawl into his arms like she hadn't done since she was around ten. Because there was still so much love that she had for him. Trust though... 

She swallowed, the same question burning her tongue as it had for the past month. 

What happened at St. Mary's?

"I'm gonna spend the night at Mel's tonight," she declared instead. "That okay?" 

Her dad's face dropped, but he still managed to put on a weak smile for her. "Yeah, sure. Have fun." 

Abby spent as little time in the house as possible. She couldn't handle the silence that came with it. The guilt. Mel, Owen, and Jordan were staying at a much smaller house on the other side of town. They were grouped due to their age bracket - not quite adults, yet no longer children. Staying with one of the foster families would have been awkward for them, to say the least.

If Abby chose to have a sleepover over there, she made sure to time it in a way that Owen wouldn't be around. Fortunately, he was assigned to numerous overnight patrols.

Not always, of course. She spent nights with him as well, though not as often. Those nights were, more often than not, some of her favorites in Jackson. Not because of the sex, necessarily, though it did help. On those nights it felt as if time stood still, and they were still back in Salt Lake, and nobody was dead...

But then morning came because it always did, and tore everything apart. 

The illusion was dead. There was nothing to hope for anymore. 

Aside from sleeping at other people's houses, Abby also took up jogging as a way to avoid staying home. At first, it was to keep her mind busy, then her legs, and lastly her hands. She needed a task; something to take everything from within arms reach. 

The jogs started as a quick distraction, something that she could be over and done with in about five minutes or so. But about two weeks into it, she had already run the length of Jackson twice in one day. It was the most freeing thing in the world.

Jackson didn't have much in the way of a gym, but Abby made do with what she had. She leased a small room with some equipment where people could prepare for patrol whenever she could and just trained. Anything to keep the mind quiet. 

And shit, did it pay off.

About three weeks into it, she was getting ready to head out to the stables, when she caught a glance of herself in the mirror. The muscles on her stomach were hard as shit now. They were small changes, but they were changes nonetheless. It almost looked like she was getting abs...and she didn't hate the look of it. 

It was on one of those runs that she spotted him. She hadn't seen him in weeks, only catching glimpses here and there before immediately bolting in the other direction. But this time was different. This time he had the girl with him. 

Abby quickly ducked behind some dumpsters and just watched them move through town for a bit, as creepy as it sounded. She needed to know. What was it about this old fuck that made her dad forgive him instantly?

The first thing she noticed was just how small the girl was. That wasn't something that Abby paid much mind to back in the hospital. Then again, did anyone? 

Whenever the Fireflies talked about the girl, they never called her by her name. "Once we extract the cordyceps from the host" or "There is no way to make the cure without eliminating the host". Did they even care that she was a kid? 

The girl seemed happy. She jumped around the man before settling in the spot in front of him, breaking into a backward jog. The man watched her with a stupid fucking grin on his face that he didn't deserve. Abby, however, keenly observed the scene, her eyes fixed on the girl's every move. She watched as the girl tripped over a bump in the sidewalk (one that the man was fully aware of), and she was ready to see her fall to the ground. But she didn't. 

In a split second, the man reached out and grabbed ahold of her arm, pushing her back into an upright position. And then they laughed.

It took everything in Abby's power to squash down any feeling of familiarity or comfort that she got from observing the two. Because they didn't remind her of anyone, and she sure as shit didn't have memories locked away in her heart of her dad playfully pushing her into muddy puddles wearing that same fucking grin...

Nope. Her dad was a good person, and Joel Miller wasn't.

Right?

"You've been watching them too, right?" Jordan asked while they were watching TV one night. 

Abby turned her head toward him, taking another drag of the joint that Owen was kind enough to provide. "The fuck are you talking about?" She blew out some smoke and asked through stifled coughs.

"The guy," he emphasized and all but tore the joint from her. "Miller or whatever his fucking name is." 

She clenched her jaw at the sound of his name and snuggled further into the couch. "Maybe a little."

"I can't stand the fucking sight of him. Or her for that matter." 

Mel came around the couch and stole the rolled piece of paper from him, bringing it to her lips. "That's kinda shitty though, don't you think?"

"Oh come on M, don't tell me that you don't want that fucker dead as much as the rest of us," Jordan scoffed.

"Him, sure. But she's just a kid," she took another drag before passing the joint to Abby. "I mean, it's not like she killed anyone. If you really think about it, this is a pretty shitty situation for her too."

"My vote is that they're fucking," Jordan blurted out and the whole room went quiet. 

Abby's eyes darted from Mel and back to Jordan, neither of them knowing what to say. 

"Jesus fuck Jordan!" Mel almost yelled, finally breaking the silence. "I don't like the guy either but fuck!"

He quickly raised his palms in surrender, feigning nonchalance. "All I'm saying is that I saw them in an alley a few days ago, and they were being real touchy..." 

"Dude, that's a kid!" Abby added. "My dad said that she's, like, fourteen! You're sick!" 

"Oh, your dad said that, did he?" Jordan scoffed. "Yeah, 'cause he's been so normal about this whole thing-"

"Alright, that's enough out of you," Mel seized his arm and dragged him off the couch, probably out of fear that Abby would strike him. But, in truth, Abby could barely register his last few words, let alone form her own anymore. 

She really needed to stop smoking so much. 

The next time Abby spotted him was on her way to the stables about two weeks later. Only this time it was so much worse.

"She's been asking all kinds of questions. I'm pretty sure she's calling my bluff-"

Her dad's words echoed in her head, and she had to physically restrain herself from walking up to him then and there. Not only was her dad hiding shit from her, he was talking about it with him.

That was it. She'd had enough

It took a few more weeks to organize her plan - she was desperate but she wasn't stupid, and if she was going to do this she had to be smart about it.

A trip to Salt Lake would take about four days if Jackson could spare a horse. If not she'd go on foot, which was, what, a week? Two if she ran into real trouble. 

She drew out maps from memory, marking her potential rest stops with stars as she went. Every day was the same: wake up, patrol, jogging, planning. She cut down on eating to save time - a stupid move, she knew - but she had to make sure everything was set as it should've been. 

And so, one morning in late July, she was ready. 

She got up before her dad did, and marched downstairs, backpack filled to the brim with anything she could think of, all set for the journey. And then she made herself breakfast and waited for about an hour before the sound of her dad making his way downstairs shook her out of it.

"Oh, Jesus Abs-" he swore under his breath before offering a soft smile. "What are you doing up? It's Saturday, you should be asleep." It was then that he spotted her backpack and brought his eyebrows together in confusion. "You, uh, going somewhere?"

"Salt Lake City."

He laughed, clearly thinking it was a joke. "Okay, sure. But seriously though where are you going?"

She jumped off the kitchen counter and took a few steps forward. "What happened at St. Mary's?" 

His smile faded, face morphing into a look of confusion as if he were hearing the question for the first time. And, in true Jerry Anderson fashion, he had decided to instead answer her question with a question. "What are you doing?"

And damn it, if he didn't sound exactly like her. 

"You're not a good liar," Abby pointed out. "You've never been, and I don't know what made you think you could start now but-"

"What are you talking about?" He asked, sounding more annoyed than anything. "Abs, what's this really about?" 

She shut her eyes for a moment, letting acceptance wash over her. He had his chances, she gave him plenty, and he still decided to lie to her. To beat around the bush as if he wasn't the one person she could trust in this fucked world.

"Okay," she allowed and walked past him, boots scraping across the hardwood floor. She put on her jacket while her dad just stood there. "I'm going to St. Mary's," she explained because he was still her dad. He shouldn't worry. "I'll try looking for the Fireflies, or whatever's left of them I guess..."

"Abby."

"It's fine, dad. It's not like I was gonna stay here forever, right? I'm gonna be eighteen next year anyway-"

"Abby." His voice grew. She paid it no mind.

"You know, I really thought I could trust you. But it's fine- I mean, it's not fine but it's whatever you know-"

His fingers suddenly closed around around her bicep, spinning her around to face him. "You're not going," he shook his head, pale-faced and...afraid? 

"Then tell me the truth."

His mouth opened and closed, the same way it had for the past few months, but no sound came out. He couldn't do it. He was going to lose her and he still couldn't fucking tell her the truth.

"Right," Abby tore her arm from his grip and turned to leave, choosing to ignore the ache in her chest. 

"I didn't have a choice!" he said, desperation pouring from his tongue like blood from a wound. And it was like that, the truth. Blood. It doesn’t hurt when it drips from the flesh, it merely offers a tingle as a parting gift.

It’s not until the first drop falls to the ground, and the person reaches to inspect it, that it finally registers in the human brain. This is your blood. You’ve been hit.

Abby was familiar with blood, she had patched her father’s wounds more than her own, and it showed.

And she knew he loved her. He had to, it’s why he made her.

But now he had to make a choice. There was no way to avoid causing the wound. Now he could choose to bandage it, stop the bleeding before it could dare to tingle, or leave it as it was. Perhaps she would bleed out quickly.

Her steps came to a halt almost immediately, though her back was still turned to him, waiting for him to continue.

"I just- it wasn't right, what we were doing- what I was doing. It-"

With a deliberate and measured movement, she turned her gaze towards him, her eyes welling up with tears that threatened to spill over, waiting. Always fucking waiting for him. 

"I know what Marlene meant to you sweetheart, I know." They both winced at the memory of the woman Abby was once proud to call her family. "But you should've seen the way she talked to that little girl in that operating room..." He dragged a tired hand over his face, looking like he was seconds away from crying himself. "She wasn't a good person and-"

"Bullshit."

"She wasn't..."

"I don't believe you." 

"She was willing to kill a child! For a cure that, honestly, I'm not even sure would've worked anymore. And I- I guess I was too but...I don't know." 

Abby watched him trip and stumble over words, her own composure cracking. 

"And then he came in and I just...couldn't. I couldn't do that to him. I couldn't kill his kid, not while I had you- have you in my life, Abby. I couldn't." He placed a hand over his gunshot wound and Abby tried her best to shake the image of him, limping and bloody, stumbling down the hall of that hospital. 

Then he went quiet again. 

"Dad." 

She was so close, so fucking close to getting the truth out of him.

"He just, he had that look. And I- I know that look. I know that feeling. But Marlene was still gonna kill him. Kill both of them. And if she was so quick to point a gun at that little girl...how long until she was willing to come after you too?"

Abby could feel the bitter taste of bile creeping up her throat, a sensation that made her stomach churn. She could almost hear his next words before he even said them. The air was thick with tension as she braced herself for what was to come.

Her dad looked at her with sympathetic eyes, allowing his words to sink in, even if just slightly. 

"Can...can we please just sit down for a second? Talk it out when we're both calm?"

"I'm calm enough," she argued, her choked voice betraying her words. 

"Abby-" He took a step closer to her and she backed away without thinking. She didn't really know why she did it. Was she afraid of him? 

"What did you do?" 

He slowly moved closer to her and reached out his hand to comfort her but Abby dodged the attempt. "Don't touch me -" she hissed and took two more steps back until her back was almost pressed against the front door. 

Then there came the staring contest, both of them pleading with each other in their own way.

"Please, honey, I didn't mean -" 
She quickly raised her finger to silence him, growing more impatient by the second. 

"What the fuck did you do?"

Silence crept its way into the space between them once more, though it didn't linger. Abby wouldn't let it, and her dad knew it.

"I stopped her." 

The words turned into a ring, quickly making a home for themselves in the pit of Abby's stomach. "Oh my god..." she whispered, her voice barely audible past the tears. "Oh my god."

Her cries transformed into uncontrollable sobs, causing her to nearly hyperventilate within mere seconds. Her knees gave way, leaving her barely able to stand, and an overwhelming sensation of nausea washed over her. 

She didn't know how long she had been standing there, hunched over and struggling to breathe as she choked on her saliva. It felt like an eternity, but then, suddenly, strong arms wrapped around her trembling body. The worst part was that she allowed it to happen. She surrendered herself to the embrace, seeking solace and comfort as if she were a helpless child in need of protection.

"Shh, shh-" her dad's low hums vibrated through his chest as he held her tighter. "I'm sorry sweetheart. I'm so sorry." 

Oddly enough, it took Abby a long time to realize that she was actually in her dad's arms, and even longer to realize that she didn't want to be. Marlene's face flashed before her eyes until she finally gathered the strength to push him away. "Get the fuck off me!"

He released her and took a few steps back, his face contorted with horror. However, Abby remained unsatisfied. She forcefully pushed against his chest, her overflowing hatred on the verge of spilling over, until she resorted to pounding it with her clenched fists. "Fuck you! You fucking- murderer!" she exclaimed, her voice filled with anguish and rage.

Despite everything, her father persistently attempted to get ahold of her wrists, desperately trying to prevent her from hurting herself rather than him. He tried apologizing profusely, though it was barely recognizable through his own fit of sobs.

She managed to break free of that grip as well, slowly backing away until her back was pressed against the door again. All those years. All those fucking speeches about how 'family was all they had'. All for him to turn around and fucking murder the woman who gave them a place to stay.

The silence between them was taken over by their quiet gasps for air, and before he could say otherwise, Abby's fingers turned the doorknob and she ran like her fucking life depended on it. 

Before she knew it, she was standing outside another door, barely breathing - and not just because she ran halfway across town sobbing - and pounding on the thing with everything she had.

An annoyed voice echoed from the other side of the door before Jordan finally opened the door, his face twisting with a mix of confusion and horror once he laid eyes on her. "Abby?"

She pushed him out of the way and stormed inside, eyes scanning the place for any trace of her boyfriend. The clamor at the entrance caught Owen's attention, prompting him to cautiously peer through the kitchen doorway, his eyes mirroring Jordan's, brimming with trepidation. 

"Abs, what's wrong?" 

Without a moment's hesitation, she flung herself into his arms, tears cascading down her face, and he instinctively returned the embrace. His hands gracefully traced circles on her back, while he whispered soothing words into her hair, just as he had always done.

"It was him," Abby sobbed into his chest, not caring that Mel and Jordan were probably staring at them. "He did it- he killed Marlene!"

There was an uneasy silence that followed, though it was predictable. It was shock; Abby guessed so by how Owen's body tensed against hers. But then she pulled back enough to look at his face, and there was nothing there. 

No shock, no pain, and no fear. 

He turned his gaze away from her and released his hold, scratching the back of his neck uncomfortably. Muffled voices were coming from behind, though Abby paid them no mind, focusing all her attention on the man whose hands trembled the same as her father's did.

"You knew," she accused and stepped back. 

Deny it, she begged out into the emptiness of her mind. If he denies it, it's not true.

"Abby..."

"Oh, for fuck's sake-" she exclaimed, her breath catching in her throat. A sudden wave of realization washed over her, tugging at the very core of her being, settling deep within the pit of her stomach.

Abby was an expert at reading people. She had Owen all figured out, just like her dear old dad. But to entertain the fact that they were both hiding the same fucking secret...

She was going to fucking throw up. 

Mel and Jordan stood in the corner, their eyes wide with fear and shock, as she shot them a menacing glare. Without uttering a single word, she swiftly made her way back outside.

Everything was spinning and before she knew it, she was hunched over herself, gagging and choking on tears yet again. 

Heavy footsteps marched behind her, only this time Abby was smart enough to move away before the person could make contact with her. "You fucking knew?!"

Owen stood there, biting his tongue as he had been for months. "Abby..."

"How many fucking chances did I give you?" she challenged. "I gave you everything I had Owen!" 

"I know." He dared to take a step forward and Abby backed up without hesitation. "I know, okay? And I'm sorry-"

"You're sorry?!"

"Look I don't..." he ran his hands over his face. "Please can we just talk about this? Please?" 

He sounded just like her fucking dad. 

Through her sobs, Abby couldn't help but let out a genuine laugh. "Oh, so you're just giving up on excuses huh?" Her face returned to stone, disgust etched in her eyes. "I fucking knew I couldn't count on you." 

Then she stepped closer, trying to stifle the enjoyment she got out of watching him squirm. "You wanna talk?" she dared, her gaze shifting toward the entrance door. It was still open, with Mel and Jordan standing in the middle, waiting. "Talk to them. Explain to them how you fucking covered for him! For Miller too!"

His name left her mouth like it was poison, which in truth wasn't too far off.

But, despite everything, Owen still reached for her. It wasn't out of love though, not with the way he gripped her shoulders like he was ready to tear her arms off just to get her to listen. "Look- look at me, hey, I know you're mad. You have every right to be but..."

"I want you to say it," she barked, cutting him off.

"What?"

"Say that you lied to me. I wanna hear you say it." 

She didn't want his fucking excuses, nor her dad's. The only thing she had wanted all this time was to trust and be trusted. To love and be loved back. Why was that so fucking hard?

Owen just shook his head and swallowed. "I didn't lie to you-"

"See?" Abby cried. "You can't even do that."

She tore herself from his grip, dizzy from the pain in her stomach. "I'm done. With you, with this-" she gestured at the space between them. "I'm fucking done."

He reached for her again, only this time she wasn't fucking having it. "No- get the fuck away from me!" She pushed him hard enough until he stumbled and fell to the ground. 

It took everything she had to resist spitting on him out of utter disgust. Words were never enough for him. Hell, he didn't even say 'I love you' until the first night that they'd slept together. 

He always needed to touch fire, just to see if he'd get burned. 

And Abby wanted to hate him; her whole body begged for it. Maybe he did too, because he still hadn't gotten up from the grass. They were both waiting for the other shoe to drop. A kick in the stomach just for the hell of it, perhaps. 

But instead, she ran. Because she always fucking ran away when shit gets tough.

His house looked different than she had initially expected. Abby always imagined him living someplace cold enough to match his frozen heart. Like one of those secret lairs where villains lived in comic books. In truth, it pained her how warm it actually was.

It wasn't as clean as her house had been, almost making it seem like he had ten toddlers to deal with instead of just one girl. None of the furniture was properly aligned with the wall, which was quite amusing. Half of the blankets and cushions from the couch were either thrown on the floor or turned into a makeshift bed.

On the carpet, there were several DVDs scattered about, while the coffee table boasted a sizable bowl, adorned with a few stubborn kernels of corn clinging to its bottom. Next to it, there were a few torn-out and crumpled pieces of paper with random doodles on them. 

Abby hated everything about the house. From the way the floorboards creaked with each step, to the drops of water that wouldn't stop falling into the kitchen skink. Most of all, she hated how human it made him. How much life it breathed into him. He didn't deserve this...he couldn't.

"So," he spoke for the first time since letting her in. "You, uh, want something to drink?"

"I'm not taking anything from you!" Abby shot back immediately. 

They were almost standing on the opposite sides of the house, keeping as much distance as humanly possible. She didn't trust him, and he knew it. Better than that, he respected it. Asshole.

After an uncomfortable silence, he sighed heavily and poured himself a glass of water. "Alright then..."

Abby watched him drink that entire glass like his life depended on it, immediately recognizing the desperation behind it. She remembered the first time she got wasted. She was drunk out of her fucking mind but didn't want her dad to find out so she drowned herself with as much liquid as possible, hoping that it would sober her up.

It didn't work, and she got grounded for a month, but it was fucking worth it.

"You're drunk," she accused.

He shrugged, his words slurring in the exact manner Abby had anticipated. "Not yet."

She glanced at the clock behind him and scoffed. "It's ten thirty."  

"Yeah, well, it's been a shitty day." 

Can't argue with that.

Once again, the room fell into an infuriating silence, but this time, its presence seemed somewhat justified. He was a murderer. A vile human being who, against all odds, managed to maintain a semblance of a normal life with a fucking roof over his head. 

Slowly he took a few steps closer and Abby panicked. She saw her father struggling to stay upright in that hospital, pale-faced as blood gushed from his side.

"I have a knife," she blurted out in one breath.

Everything was silent again, and the man came to a halt before carefully placing the empty glass into the sink, which was all he was trying to do.

Embarrassment flushed her cheeks immediately, but she would've rather died than let him see her that way so she turned her head away. He, however, wouldn't let it go quite so easily. 

"Good for you," he murmured, though it sounded more like a question. "Now what?" 

Abby shifted her gaze back to him, yet her mind drew a blank, leaving her speechless. What the fuck was she doing there?

"I just didn't have anywhere else to go." 

It scared her just how easily the words came out, how real they felt. She could've been halfway out of Jackson by now, but instead her stupid brain made her think that this was a good idea. 

Joel just sighed and waited for her to continue and, by some miracle, she did. 

"I want the truth. Without the bullshit excuses this time. I need to know what happened."

"What exactly did your daddy tell you?" He asked and settled back into his original spot by the counters. "Cause I kinda promised him I wouldn't say anythin'." 

"Why'd you let me in, then?" 

"Were you gonna leave if I told you to?"

Abby hesitated for a moment but eventually shook her head. It seemed like nothing in the world could've stopped her from waiting on his front porch for him like a fucking dog. 

"There you go," he nodded. "But you know somethin' already, don't you?" 

"I know about Marlene," she said through gritted teeth, barely able to keep the venom out of her voice. "I also know that you killed a lot of my people."

She observed him nod once more, diligently scanning his eyes for any trace of guilt, yet found none. Her heart shattered once more, as an overwhelming rage, unlike anything she had felt all day, threatened to overflow.

"Do you have any idea how many graves we dug that day?" she dared, but he wouldn't budge. 

That seemed to elicit a reaction from him, his eyes sharpening at the edges. "And why do you suppose that is?" 

Abby rolled her eyes. Of course he was going to try and make himself out to be the good guy again. Fucking asshole-

"Hey," his voice called, louder this time, threatening. It was then that Abby felt true fear for the first time since stepping into his house. The blood of her people - good fucking people - was on his hands, and nothing was stopping him from wanting more. 

"Answer the question," he growled, bearing teeth like a fucking Runner. 

Abby's voice came out as a choked whisper, no matter how much effort she put into it. "The girl," she said, suddenly wishing that she had just stayed back home with her dad. Why couldn't she have just left this alone? 

She hated that he had that power over her. The power to consume her every thought, to a degree, and make her too afraid to speak. 

That answer didn't satisfy him, setting his jaw even more. Something burned behind his eyes, though Abby couldn't quite make out what it was. He almost looked like he was going to scream at her but bit his tongue at the last second, settling for a tight nod instead.

She let out a breath. "And you don't feel guilty? At all?"

He scoffed, which sent another fit of rage down Abby's spine. "What do you want from me, kid? A fuckin' apology?" 

"I don't know!" She snapped. And she didn't. "I just need...something."

"Alright," he agreed. "Here's something: I had to watch my kid shake and scream that she didn't wanna die, all while your Queen Firefly was pointing a gun at her head. That enough for you?"

He then took a moment to collect himself, the trace of alcohol finally making itself evident.  "See, I know your whole spiel. You've been fed lies on top of lies about how you were makin' the world a better place, and didn't bother to question it once."

That's when all the fear vanished from Abby's body, being replaced by the same anger she had initially entered with. "You know nothing about my life!"

"No?" he stepped forward, still keeping enough distance to maintain the illusion that he wasn't planning on hurting her. Or maybe it wasn't an illusion anymore. It was hard to tell what was what anymore. "Then why don't you go ahead and ask your daddy what he would've done in my shoes? 'Cause I guarantee his answer ain't gonna be much different." 

Abby's head was spinning now, her body almost too fragile to keep up with her mind. That was the last thing she wanted to hear. 

She was ready to march into his house, guns blazing, like this was a fucking action movie. In her head, she was willing to keep the fucker hostage until he fucking...what apologized? Was that what she was after? 

She just wanted someone to see her. To understand why she was upset and not mock her for it. And the fact that the only person she could seek out for that was Joel fucking Miller...

What did that say about the people she had put all her trust in? 

There was nothing more for her to say. No crumbs left for her to feed on, but still she wanted more. Maybe not from Joel anymore. Maybe it was never him, to begin with. 

Because she hated him, she really did. But he still had a tiny table, tucked away in the corner of the kitchen that could only fit two chairs. Those chairs seemed different than the ones behind their dining table; more used, more loved. 

Her dad had a table like that back in Salt Lake. They played chess on it together. Everyone else hated it, but Abby couldn't get enough. She liked watching him sweat a bit, trying his best to outsmart her. And then his face would brighten with pride once he'd think he had her cornered, but she always knew how to outsmart him. 

They had a table like that in Jackson too, though they hadn't even touched it. She barely even looked at it. 

"So why shoot my dad?" she asked as soon as her hands stopped trembling. 

"I..." Joel let out a low breath, massaging his temple. "He caught me off guard, and I didn't even think twice about it. Didn't really aim either if I'm bein' honest."

Yeah, that was probably why he was still breathing. 

"And you don't feel any guilt." It wasn't a question - not even close - It was a consummate fuck you. 

"Would it make a difference if I did?" 

"Yes!" she yelled, louder than intended. "I don't know. Maybe. I just...I need someone to fucking own up to what they did because, if they don't, it means I've wasted my whole fucking life on shitty people!" 

There was a pause and Abby could feel tears of frustration streaming down her face. 

"Why do you get to live a good life after everything?"

Joel pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers and let out another breath. "I don't. That's the point."

"But you-"

"My daughter-" he cut her off. "-Still wakes up screaming because of what happened. What I did. She thinks that she doesn't deserve to live because of it- that she's not worth that much! I did that. I have to live with that for the rest of my life. Now, I know you probably don't think that that's a fair enough punishment, but trust me when I say that it is worse than anythin' you could've thrown at me right now." 

Abby stood there, her gaze fixed on him, her body paralyzed with uncertainty. She was expecting a stone-cold killer. Someone who would shoot her just for fun. But his voice, desperate and on the edge of breaking, reminded her of her dad's so much that it was hard to separate the two.

She tried to blame the alcohol for his loose tongue, but his words seemed so genuine, and so...broken. 

He was nothing. A nobody. 

"You knew," she accused for the millionth time that day. "-That she would feel this way, though. Didn't you?"

This wasn't about the girl.

"Course I did." 

"And you still did it?"

He shook his head. "I would rather see her hate me until my last goddamn breath than having to bury her too."

Bury her too. What was that supposed to mean?

"Yeah, I hope she fucking hates you," Abby spat. "Bet you're a shit fucking dad anyway..." 

As soon as that last part was out, she regretted it. She didn't want to, he deserved to hear it. Hell, he probably was a shit dad. What kind of father would slaughter so many people and still expect his kid to love him? Apocalypse or not, those were innocent lives he took. All for what? A few extra years in the sun? 

No matter how much she regretted it though, there was no denying the satisfaction she got from seeing his face drop at that comment. 

"I hope you rot in hell," her glare deepened. There were so many more things she wanted to scream at him, but he seemed to have the self-hatred under control.

What was she supposed to do now? 

Another door. But this time, she couldn't muster the courage to pry it open. The suffocating grip of guilt and hatred loomed, ready to consume her entirely should she dare to venture through.

She couldn't handle another pair of sad eyes, begging her to go easy on them. Just the thought made her want to throw up.

Her hands hurt. That was new. Maybe she was too weak to even offer an olive branch for him to hold onto. Maybe he wouldn't even reach for it.

Only one way to find out, unfortunately. 

Abby cautiously grasped the doorknob and entered the foyer. To her dismay, her dad remained seated at the kitchen table, almost in the exact same spot she had left him. He looked older, with red puffy eyes and shaky hands.

The moment he caught sight of her, he promptly rose to his feet, yet refrained from approaching her once more. "Hey," he breathed, almost collapsing with relief.

I would rather see her hate me until my last goddamn breath-

No. No, they weren't there yet. But they were far from okay. 

It helped though, seeing him. It reminded her that his hair wasn'tall that grey yet, and his tongue hadn't been stained with alcohol. He didn't look like him. Didn't sound like him either. 

For now, that just had to be enough.

"Hi."

Chapter Text

"If you keep staring at the pot, the water will never boil."

Dina turned away from the front door for the first time in what felt like hours. "What?"

A sly smirk spread across her mom's face as she scrambled eggs and fried deer sausage. "Stop stressing. They'll show up when they show up." 

Dina sighed and stood from the floor, wiping dust from her jeans. "What kind of a saying even is that?" She asked, obediently walking up and stealing a tiny slice of sausage from the pan, earning herself a half-amused stare from her mom. "Is it another one from the olden days?"

"Olden days- how old do you think I am?"

"Mm-mm," She shrugged and stole another piece from the cutting board. "Old enough." 

Her mom scoffed, feigning anger as she swatted her hand away. "You're lucky it's your birthday, missy." 

Dina scrutinized the woman standing before her intently. She seemed...better. 
Better than she was a week ago, at least. All things considered, she seemed like she was going to keep her shit together, maybe even after the party was over. 

She shook her head free of the thought. She was fifteen now, and she knew better. 

"So," her mom began. "Is Imani spending the night, then?"

Imani was a girl that she met at the stables a year or so ago. She was nice...but that was pretty much it. There was no real connection. Her mom loved Imani, or rather, her widower father. She kept trying to push this connection between the girls, just so she could maybe get a chance to have some fun with a grieving man. 

"No, Ellie is spending the night," Dina corrected once more, observing her mom's posture tense up. "What?" she asked, confused.

"Nothing. I just wish you'd...explore your options a little. I don't want you to settle for the first person you see."

Dina sighed heavily, feeling the weight of exhaustion settle upon her once more. Her mother had always managed to evoke this reaction from her. She would incessantly whine and complain, desperately seeking attention that people had long ceased to give her. There were only so many times a sob story could work. 

Not with her, though. No, Dina wasn't allowed the privilege of simply tuning her mom out. Instead, she found herself frequently being the one to comfort and soothe her during her 'episodes'.

"I didn't settle. Ellie is my friend." She challenged, clearly sensing that her mother was aching to let her know, in detail, everything that was wrong with that

"I'm sure she is. And, I mean, she seems nice and all..." there was most definitely a 'but' approaching. "But..." Yup. "...her dad. I mean, the balls on that guy! And it's not just the thing with Eric- which, God, I still can't wrap my head around- but he was just so rude! Makes you wonder what kind of a kid he's raising..."

"Didn't you bring up his dead daughter, though?" Dina asked, defensiveness rising in her chest.  

"Oh-ho, don't get me started on that! I mean, he acted like I was the worst person ever for bringing it up- I was trying to help him, you know? Give him something to relate to but nooo, he had to take it the wrong way. You know she died like, what, thirty years ago? If anyone should get offended by shit like this it's me! I mean, I lost my Talia two years ago, and I'm not asking people to bend over backwards for me..."

Alright, this was getting uncomfortable now. 

Without another word Dina slowly made her way upstairs, hoping to find some peace in the comfort of her room. Her mom would tire herself out eventually, she knew it, but man, hearing Talia's name leave her tongue with such ease...such desire to be heard. Pitied. If she cared so much she would've given her a proper funeral. 

That's how most of their conversations went. She'd have to listen to mom's whining and hold her hand throughout it. The absence of her presence usually snapped her mom out of her trance, and they conveniently avoided addressing any of it. 

Because what is a house without tension? What is a hole in the earth, too small to hold a body? 

How was she supposed to know how deep of a grave to dig by herself? 

Her mom's voice stopped her before she could reach the stairs. "Dee, breakfast is almost ready!" It was nothing more than another scream for attention. 

"I'll eat later," Dina confidently stated, her smile unwavering until she made her way to her room. Once inside, she got on her hands and knees and pulled the spare mattress from underneath the bed, trying to conjure up the excitement that the mention of her sister had sucked out of her. It was her birthday, and she deserved a fucking sleepover. 

Jesse came over first, singing her a cheesy happy birthday song the second she opened the door to greet him. Then he kissed her while her mom wasn't looking, spinning her around obnoxiously and making her giggle. By the time he set her down, her mom's voice rang out again. "Keep your hands where I can see them, boy!" 

They both laughed, but Jesse still took a cautious step back, just in case. "Yes ma'am," he nodded, more because he wanted to make Dina cringe than anything else. "Here," he smiled and handed her a folded piece of paper. "I'm sorry it's not the best..."

Her eyes sparkled as they followed along the lines on the paper. It was a drawing of them at the stables, with Dina sitting on top of her mom's horse, and Jesse holding the reigns, with the words Happy Birthday scribbled on top. 

"Oh my God," she chuckled in awe. "Jesse, this is really good!"

The boy dismissed the compliment with a shrug, yet Dina caught a subtle blush coloring his cheeks. He was never too good at all the mushy stuff, but he tried better than half the men out there. Certainly did more than the other men in her life ever had. 

After hearing a tap on the door a few minutes later, Dina rushed to open it and nearly tripped over her own damn feet. Ellie, unlike Jesse, was engulfed in a hug before she could even open her mouth. "You came," Dina squealed with joy.

"Didn't I say I would?" her friend chuckled before her posture stiffened again. She wasn't too good with new spaces, Dina caught on to that pretty quick. Every time they entered a new building in Jackson, no matter how long it had been since her arrival, Ellie would always get jumpy. She watched her back like her fucking life depended on it, constantly glancing over her shoulder.

The sight almost reminded Dina of those dogs she'd see on the streets, the ones that'd get kicked just for the hell of it but were too scared to bite back. Too weak, too used to the violence. 

She pulled her into the house, excitement radiating off her like never before. "Hey, check out what Jesse drew me," she said and offered the drawing up for inspection. 

Ellie's smile shifted into a mischievous smirk as she eyed the boy. "Yeah...I kinda helped him with that one."

Dina turned to her boyfriend wide-eyed and punched his shoulder. "You dick! I thought you were being sincere for once," despite the harsh words, there was nothing but joy in her tone. 

"It was only a little, though," Ellie assured. "He did most of it himself."

"Yeah, but it was shit," Jesse scoffed. "-Thanks for that, by the way." 

"Well, I don't care how it was made, it's still going on my wall."
Dina pressed another quick kiss to his cheek before leading them up to her room. Like clockwork, her mom's voice boomed through the house before she could even reach for the doorknob. "Door stays open!" 

"We know!" She replied with a roll of her eyes, though still respected her wishes, leaving the door cracked a few inches. She watched Jesse settle into the chair behind her desk like he most often had before, while Ellie just stood there; almost awestruck. 

"Your room's so cool," she commented and took a better glance at her walls. "Who's that?" She was pointing at the poster of Wonder Woman that Dina once tore out of an old comic book she found. 

"That's Wonder Woman. She's like, the coolest superhero ever!" 

"The fuck she is!" Her boyfriend confidently stated and turned to their friend. "Don't listen to her, she doesn't know anything about actual comics."

Dina rolled her eyes. "Just because I don't read about killing, doesn't make it any less interesting." 

Jesse just smirked, still firmly standing by his opinion but Ellie seemed to actually consider her words. She didn't say anything, but her body language shifted ever so slightly. It took a few seconds before she seemed to have snapped out of whatever trance she was stuck in and dropped her backpack on the floor. 

"Shit, I almost forgot," she muttered and dug a small object out of the backpack, handing it to her. "I uh, I don't really know what to bring to these things but Joel said I had to bring a gift so...yeah, happy birthday." 

Dina shot her a small smile before gently taking the present from her. "You didn't have to bring me anything..." The rest of her words were silenced as she took a proper look at the object in her hands. It was a necklace with a wooden pendant, clearly hand-made, decorated with a beautiful drawing of a horse. 

"Holy shit. You made this?"

"Kind of. I mean, Joel helped with the wood, I just drew the horse and put the string through..." she was rambling, clearly anticipating her reaction. 

"Ellie this is amazing!"

"Really?" 

"Yes, really!" She squealed again and put the necklace around her neck, running into the bathroom to check it out. Once confirmed that it was, in fact, perfect she rushed back into the room, wrapping her arms around her again. "Thank you!" 

Jesse just watched them amusingly for a bit, trying and failing to appear upset. "Thanks a lot. Now I look like a lazy jerk." 

"Oh shut up," Dina smiled and grabbed his drawing off the desk, sticking it on the wall above her bed. "See? I like yours just as much." 

Minutes blended themselves into hours, and soon enough they tired themselves out with board games and movies. Jackson had offered everyone more than they could have ever hoped for while growing up. More books, more food, more fun that didn't involve fearing for your life. 

That being said, after two years of it, everything got a bit repetitive. Her last birthday party was very similar, except with more people. They were just some random kids, whose moms knew her mom or whatever, and were all just as lonely as her. Sure, there was Jesse, but they weren't exactly friends back then. From day one, it was clear that they liked each other, so there was no need for that 'will they, won't they' phase.

But now, she could finally have a birthday party with people who she considered her friends. Someone who wasn't, and would never be, Talia. And she was grateful for it, really- she was. But it didn't change the fact that she was now just as tall as she'd been.

Her hair was as long as hers had been, and a part of her wished it would stay that way always. Wished that she would stay fifteen forever, just as she had. 

The needle suddenly skipped yet another groove of the record and the room echoed with frustrated groans. "Ugh, why did nobody take good care of these?" Dina sighed and got up to change the record yet again. 

"I told you to just get some CDs..." Jesse teased. 

"Well, when you find me a working CD player I will!" 

"Or just use a walkman," Ellie added. "It's way easier." 

Dina just grunted and slipped the vinyl into its sleeve, gently returning it to its brothers and sisters that had been collecting dust in their living room for the past two years. 

"Mom?" She called out as she flipped through the remaining records. "Where's that one that I like? The one with all those sad songs?"

Her mom appeared in the doorway, thinking hard for a moment. "Do you mean Elliott Smith? Cause if you do, I don't think that's birthday-appropriate, hon."

Ellie furrowed her brows and stretched out her legs on the floor. "Who's Elliott Smith?" 

"Doesn't matter," her mom answered. "You kids are sad enough as it is."

Dina pouted and gave up on finding more music, sitting down just in time for Jesse to roll another six. "Ha!" The boy exclaimed victoriously as he moved his character up the board until it knocked over one of Ellie's. 

"What- no fair!" she frowned. "I don't even know how to play this game." 

"What did you play then? -When you were little?" Dina asked, genuinely curious. Ellie shrugged and placed her game piece back into its original spot. "I dunno. Shot rats, I guess." 

That comment got Jesse's interest piqued as well. "You got to have guns? Lucky. I was forced to play-pretend with a fucking broom." 

Ellie's mouth hung open for a little bit like she was thinking of a way to respond. Her fingers tapped against the hardwood floor anxiously, though only Dina seemed to have caught on to that. What was she thinking about? 

She didn't get the chance to hear her answer though, because her mom quickly peeked into the living room again, interrupting everyone's train of thought. "Anyone want cake?" 

The song was the same as it always had been. Too fucking long. Long enough for her to count the exact number of candles brightening her face. A part of her hoped that her mom would forget to put the last one on, it certainly wouldn't have been the first time it had happened. With that, she could enjoy being fourteen for just a moment longer. 

But there were, indeed, fifteen candles. All lit up, waiting for her. 

Her mother's hard work was put to shame when she blew out each and every one of them, knowing full well how hard it was for her hands to stop shaking. It must've taken so long to light them all. 

Fifteen wasn't that old, though Dina had already accepted it as a potential death sentence. Still, she put on a brave face and smiled proudly, soaking in the claps and cheers despite the ringing in her ears. 

Sweet Fifteen. Let it be good.

"Your mom's nice," Ellie said as they sat on the bed, already in their PJs. 

"I guess. She can be so embarrassing though." 

Embarrassing might not have been the right word. The only person little ole Marianne had left to embarrass was herself. She was the one who seemed to leave her manners at the door the second there was a glass of wine in her hand. 

And it wasn't like people didn't notice. That was probably why Robin and Eric invited her over so often, offering her yet another spot to rest her head if needed. 

"I mean, yeah," Ellie agreed. "But, like, at least she cares."

Dina swallowed hard, pushing down every ounce of liquified anger that threatened to spill from her mouth. It was a bitter taste, but she had gotten used to it. 

"You wanna do something?" she asked instead, jumping off the bed and rushing to her desk. She returned with her box of trinkets. It was a tiny box that she kept throughout her childhood. Talia told her to look for anything interesting while they were on the road, like coins, or shiny rocks of sorts. Looking back, she was probably just trying to distract her. 

"What's that?" her friend asked, pointing at the little bottle of nail polish sticking out of the box. 

"It's for your nails," she answered and pulled the bottle out before opening the lid and handing it up for inspection. Ellie made a face the second she had it in her hand, and Dina tried her best to stifle a laugh.

"Oh- fuck, that's...powerful." 

"Well, it's been in a bottle for twenty years. It's gonna have a smell." 

"Still! Do you actually put that shit on yourself?" 

"It makes me feel pretty!" she argued. "You know, I bet if you tried it you wouldn't hate it as much."

Ellie pouted and closed the lid, happily returning it. "...You don't need chemicals and shit," she mumbled. "You're already pretty." 

Dina couldn't help but roll her eyes at the compliment, her lips rising at the corners. "Yeah, okay," she scoffed and her friend scoffed back. "I'm serious," she stressed. "I like your...hair, or whatever." 

The sincerity in her tone caught Dina off guard a bit, though she didn't let it show. "Or whatever?" she smirked. "Gee, thanks." 

"No- not like that! I mean- I wasn't-" Ellie rambled, barely able to look her in the eye. It was actually pretty funny. Before she could tease her further, Ellie grabbed a pillow and threw it at her. "Shut up!" 

"Hey- ow! You can't do that, it's my birthday!" 

"Birthday shmirthday! That excuse won't last forever you know," she pointed out and raised the pillow again, though Dina dodged it and grabbed a pillow of her own, ready to strike back. She got a few good hits in, the girls' giggles bouncing off the walls before both of them yielded and sprawled themselves across the bed in laughter. 

"You know," Dina said once her breathing evened out. "I'm really fucking glad you came over. I can't even remember the last time I had a sleepover."

"I don't think I've ever had a sleepover, to be honest..." Ellie admitted and chuckled softly to herself. 

Dina furrowed her brows and leaned on her forearms to get a better look at her friend. "Seriously? Not once?" 

"I mean, I shared a room with a girl at the FEDRA school if that's anything."

"FEDRA?" Now she was even more confused. "What the fuck were you doing at a fucking military school?" 

"Uh," Ellie stumbled over her words, playing with her fingers again. "It was the only option, I guess..."

"Your dad didn't teach you at home? That's what my mom did." Her eyes suddenly went wide with another realization. "Wait, aren't FEDRA schools meant for orphans?"

Ellie stuttered for a few moments before giving up on forming any coherent sentences altogether. "Ugh, okay, look-" she sat upright, mirroring Dina. "I'm gonna tell you something, but you have to promise me that you won't say anything to anyone. Not even Jesse."

She frowned, letting the worry lines linger on her forehead. "Okay...I won't." 

Her friend took a deep breath. "Joel's not my real dad." 

Dina could feel the gears turning in her head. "What?" she blinked. Ellie must've noticed her confusion, immediately launching into explaining. "No, like, he is, just not...biological or whatever. He didn't make me."

Ellie scrunched her nose uncomfortably at the last sentence, and Dina tried hard not to join in. "So he just, what, adopted you?" She asked. 

"Basically, yeah. He had to take me out of Boston for some...uh, work thing, I guess. He was supposed to leave me with some people but then just...didn't. I dunno, man, it's a long story."

"Holy shit," Dina breathed out, a small smile forming on her face. "That's kinda cute, actually," she said, making Ellie roll her eyes. "But why didn't you just say that? It's not like it's anything bad."

"I panicked," she admitted. "I didn't know what Tommy would say, or if it would be weird for me to just live with him without saying anything..." she trailed off, her hand gently caressing her forearm - the one with the burn. "Plus, I never had parents, or whatever...it just sounded nice." 

"Is it?" Dina offers gently, not wanting to pry.

Ellie thought it over. "Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. I mean, it's not like I have anything to compare it to, y'know." She gave an awkward smile, allowing it to falter within seconds. "Sometimes I think if I'm even doing it right. Or if he's-" 

She was searching for something, a loose strand of thought to mold the feeling into words. 

"I don't know." 

Dina nodded, her own thoughts running loose, trying to piece everything together.

If she was being completely honest, she didn't really remember her dad. By the time he packed his things and headed off, she was too little to stand on her own two feet. Talia told her some stories, though she stopped sugarcoating things pretty early on. 

One remarkable aspect about him, however, was his profound love for their mother. Talia shared stories of late nights when she would watch them dancing in the kitchen, and how his eyes would be devoid of any trace of anger. In those late nights, his voice softened and lowered an octave or two. In the dark, he seemed like someone capable of love. 

During those stories, her sister spoke of him with such profound affection that it nearly made Dina overlook the bruises adorning Lia's arms.

"I think it's beautiful," she said eventually. "That you two just found each other like that. It's like fate."

Ellie scrunched her nose at the thought. "I don't believe in fate."

"I do." 

Ellie looked down at her lap, going quiet for a moment. "Yeah," she mumbled, finally returning the gaze. "Yeah, maybe."

*

"Ugh, I hate that!" Ellie groaned and tried to move her hand away, but Dina wouldn't let her. "Hold still," she scolded with a smile, carefully trying not to get nail polish on the covers. 

"Nope. No. I hate this." She pulled her hand from Dina's gentle grasp, waving it around like that was enough to get the sticky fluid off. 

Dina crossed her arms across her chest, trying to make her face look like her mom's whenever she was scolding her. "You said I could paint one hand! It's my birthday!"

"I don't care! It's cold, sticky and it fucking stinks!" 

"Come on! You didn't even let me put the stickers on yet!" she said, forcing her friend to hold her gaze. Then she decided on a different approach. She swiftly jumped off the bed, positioning herself in front of Ellie. 

"What are you doing?" 

She didn't answer and merely plopped herself on her knees, holding her hands up in prayer. "Pretty please?" she begged, giving her the biggest puppy eyes she could muster—a performance of a lifetime. 

"Are you seriously begging me on your knees right now?" 

"I'm desperate, Ellie!" 

"Oh my god- fine!" her friend laughed. "But just the one hand. And no stickers." 

"Eh, we'll see," she chuckled and climbed back into bed, already gripping the tiny bottle before Ellie could inject further. In the end, she managed to paint five of her fingernails with the baby-blue polish, even making sure the edges were neatly cleaned before a knock interrupted them, her mom's head poking through the door.

Her hair was loose now, gentle curls swaying over her shoulder in a way that always made Dina jealous. If there was one thing she wanted to inherit from her mother, it was her beauty. Everything else, the empty void tucked underneath aging flesh - the one that always sharpened her tongue at the wrong moments - she could keep. 

"What did I say about makeup in bed?" She scolded.

"It's not makeup, mom-"

"I don't give a damn what it is," the woman's tone sharpened as she vaguely gestured toward Ellie. "You think Ellie's dad lets her do her nails in bed, huh?"

"Uh-" Ellie stammered, looking at Dina for support. 

"Fine. I'm sorry," she said gently, quickly recognizing her mother's tone.

She fucking swore that she wouldn't drink tonight.

Her mother sighed, eyes darting from her daughter to her friend. "I'm going to bed," she announced. "I suggest you two do the same." 
Then, without warning, her hand slithered against the wall, struggling for a moment, before flipping the light switch off and shutting the door behind her. 

There was a long silence, both girls getting used to the darkness of the room. Ellie was the first to break the tension.

"Do...do we have to go to bed now?"

"Fuck no," Dina scoffed and reached for her bedside table, turning the night light on so that they could have some light. When she made eye contact with Ellie, her shoulders were stiff again and it took everything in Dina's power to stop herself from marching to her mom's room and snapping at her. 

"I'm sorry," she frowned. "She gets like that sometimes. It's not your fault."

Some of the tension left Ellie's shoulders and the girl allowed herself a sigh of relief. "Fuck...that sucks."

Yeah, it really fucking does.

Dina shook her head, forcing a smile as she reached for the nail polish bottle again, mischief glistening in her eye. "Yeah, well, fuck her. We still got more polish left..."

Ellie violently shook her head and tried crawling off the bed and onto her mattress on the floor. "Mm-mm, nope. You know, I'm actually pretty tired so I'm just gonna..."

Once more, albeit a little softer, laughter rang across the room. After that, they must have stayed up for hours on end until, at some point, Dina's bed lulled the two girls to peaceful slumber. 

Though it didn't last.

Dina didn't know how long it had been since she fell asleep before her eyelids flew open, taking in the darkness once again. She tried to shrug it off and closed her eyes in an attempt to get a few more hours of shut-eye.

Ellie wasn't in bed anymore, so the girl figured she must have just chosen the mattress instead. But as she took a peek at the floor and found the mattress vacant as well, her thoughts started to wander. 

She just needed to use the bathroom, Dina thought and nuzzled her face against the pillow, thinking nothing of it. That was until her ears adjusted to the stillness of the room, making their peace with the silence, and she began to hear sounds outside her room. The whimpers and soft gasps for air shook the sleep from her system and replaced it with worry.  

The sobs were barely audible, which was a nice contrast to what she had been used to. Her mom's cries were always loud enough to shake the house, not leaving much to the imagination. It was a familiar sound, one that Dina had learned to ignore in her fifteen years of living. 

She slowly swung her feet over the bed, curiosity finally finding its mark, and walked over to the door. The hallway was as dark as her room, though moonlight still found its way to it, brightening it up just enough for Dina to see a small figure curled up against the wall. 

"Ellie?"

The figure stopped trembling slightly, her whimpers turning into low curses. "Shit-" Ellie whispered and gently wiped her tear-stained face, raising her head from her knees to meet Dina's gaze. "I'm sorry- I didn't mean to wake you up-" she mumbled, her voice shaking harder than Dina had expected. 

"Hey," she slowly sat down next to her. "It's okay. You didn't wake me up." She studied her friend's face, her tears glistening in the moonlight. 

"Are you okay?"

It was a stupid question, but what else was she supposed to ask? 

"Y-yeah, sorry. I just, um," Ellie bit her lip in an attempt to slow her breathing. "I get nightmares sometimes and...I'm sorry. Please- please don't be mad at me."

Mad at her? Was that what she was used to? Did Joel get mad at her for having nightmares? Given how proudly she had spoken about him just hours prior, it seemed unlikely, but given everything else, Dina wasn't ready to rule out the possibility just yet.

"I'm not mad," she assured. Her hands lingered above Ellie's back, too afraid to make contact. "Do you...wanna talk about it?" she asked instead, after allowing a beat to pass them.

Ellie just shook her head and mumbled another apology. 

They sat in silence for a long, long time, waiting for Ellie's breathing to even out. She'd never admit it, not while her friend was struggling like this, but Dina was fighting a pool of her own tears from making an appearance.

She was used to the feeling of having ghosts from the past haunt you. Bearing their teeth at the most vulnerable. She also knew that talking about it wasn't meant to be an option. 

"Oh, poor little Dina," her mom's voice rang out. "You can't sleep? Just wait until the world has its fun with you. Then you'll see what real nightmares feel like." 

She was pretty drunk when she said that, though it stung just as badly. 

"Can I do anything?" she offered, almost begging. "Do you need some water? I can probably walk you home if that's what you need..."

"No," Ellie interrupted, burying her face between her knees again. "No, I'm good. It's just- it sucks. I hate it."

Dina did her best to contain her relief. She didn't need her first sleepover in Jackson to go south...especially since it was Ellie. 

"I get them too," she admitted, her voice barely above a whisper. "-If that means anything."

"Really?"

She nodded. It was all he could do. "Not as much anymore. But yeah, I do. And it gets easier." 

Ellie turned her gaze to the floor, defeated. Her breaths were coming through her nose now, heavy and rapid, like a wounded animal. "Do you promise?" She asked after the sound of silence muffled their thoughts completely. Dina didn't know how to respond, but she was going to give it her all. She would've torn the skin from her bones if it meant Ellie wouldn't have to shed a tear.

"I promise." 

She wasn't sure if the words sounded believable - seeing as she barely believed them herself - but she meant them. 

The sound of something heavy hitting the floor downstairs shook the girls from the trance. They looked at each other, and Dina couldn't help but feel grateful for the distraction. Seeing the fear disappear from Ellie's eyes brought more comfort than she thought it would, even if it was replaced with emptiness. 

"I'll go check it out," she sighed, already anticipating the sight awaiting her. But as she stood up, she noticed Ellie's eyes widen with anxiety. "Can I come with you?" her friend asked, tears prickling at her eyes again. 

Dina hesitated, not wanting to give her even more reasons to never sleep over again. "I'll just be a minute-"

Before she could finish the sentence, Ellie's hand reached out and wrapped itself around her wrist. "Please," she begged. "I...I don't wanna be alone right now." 

With a sigh and a lump in her throat the size of Texas, Dina agreed. Ellie kept her fingers around her wrist, though it seemed like she didn't realize it. Even if she did, Dina wouldn't dare complain. 

The girls slowly peeked into the bright living room, their eyes taking a few seconds to adjust to the light. Once they did, they were presented with the exact thing that Dina had been afraid of. 

"Ugh, mom..." 

Her mom was kneeling on the floor next to the couch, one arm hand gripping the armbar, her head leaning against it. She was wobbly, the empty glasses on the coffee table clearly making themselves known. 

She couldn't just stay in bed like a normal person. No. Instead, she had to get up, pour herself a couple more drinks, and pass out on the couch like a lunatic. 

"Alright," Dina sighed as she walked over to her. She gently grabbed her by the elbows, taking in as much of her weight as she could, and helped her to her feet. "Come on, mom, let's get you to bed." 

"Lia?" 

Ellie's eyes widened again as she watched the scene in front of her. Can't really blame her though, it wasn't Dina's favorite thing either. "Sure, mom," she agreed. It was just easier that way. 

"Watch your step, honey," the woman slurred as they reached the stairs. "Dee-dee's asleep and I don't...wanna wake her." 

Dina couldn't help but meet her friend's gaze, shooting her an apologetic smile. This wasn't anything new for her, but she could only hope that it was for Ellie. Nobody deserved to go through shit like this. 

She gently lowered her mom into bed, smoothing her disheveled curls back so that they didn't bother her. Like clockwork, her mom settled into the touch, damn near purring from the comfort. "Thank you, Lia..." she trailed off, already half-asleep. "Mm, you know how I get around birthdays..." 

Yeah well...so much for this year being different. 

She closed the door softly, letting out a deep breath, afraid to look Ellie in the eye. "Fuck. I'm sorry she just-" She wanted to find another excuse, anything to make her mom out to be a good person. But it was three in the morning, and she was too exhausted to bother. "She's not good with birthdays."

Ellie nodded, shifting her weight from one foot to another awkwardly. "Who's Lia?"

"My sister. Talia." 

Ellie's eyes widened and her mouth formed an 'O' of understanding, a familiar glare deepening on her face. "Shit. I mean- sorry, I just don't know what else to say...but that sucks, Dina. And I'm sorry."

She opened her mouth to reply, to defend her mother with her dying breath but fuck, she did not have the energy. She sealed her lips, just so that the sob would come out less gnarly. Tears stung her eyes and burned as they made their way down her cheek. 

"Oh, shit," Ellie stuttered. "Dina, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"No- it's not you," she assured before an avalanche of words came pouring out. "It's just- fuck! I hate her sometimes, you know. I hate her. She can't even put on a good act for less than a week! I mean, why can't she care? She's my mom! She's supposed to give a shit. "And then..." she gestured at her friend. "...Your dad, who didn't even know you, just picked you?" 

Ellie's shoulders stiffened as she looked her over. Dina, realizing her mistake far too early, rushed to fix it. 

"No- fuck, I'm sorry, Ellie. It's just, I don't think I can process how someone can just...love like that. Without anything attached." Then she paused, the weight of her words finally sinking in. "I shouldn't have said anything. I'm sorry..."

There was an awful silence that followed, and Dina was just about ready to get yelled at. She braced herself for it, but Ellie just let out a sigh and stepped closer. 

"For what it's worth," she began. "Joel didn't always love me. I mean, he said he did but it sure as shit didn't feel like it. He was really fucked up. Maybe he still is- I don't know. My point is, that shit doesn't just happen. And I am sorry that you got stuck with this, Dina. -Really, I am. But you're better, right? Maybe that says something?" 

Dina wiped the tears from her cheeks and gave a small nod. "Yeah, maybe." 

They stepped back into her room, a little calmer than before, though still a little fidgety. 

"Can I, um," Ellie hesitated. "Can I stay...with you? Unless that's weird, then you don't have to I just don't like sleeping alone after, y'know..."

"Ellie," Dina interrupted with a soft smile. "Of course it's okay. I'm not gonna make you sleep on the floor."

They settled in, both inching a tiny bit closer to each other than they previously had, but neither seemed to mind. "I'm sorry your first sleepover was a disaster," she said sheepishly. Ellie, half-asleep as well, chuckled. "It's okay. You owe me anyway for painting my fucking nails."

"Shit, I forgot about that."

Laughter rang through once again before everything went quiet. Crickets finally had the stage, singing with newfound ease.

Keep quiet.

Stay low. 

Do not let him see you.

Ellie's lungs were on the verge of being completely consumed by the suffocating, viscous smoke.

Don't cough. Don't let him hear you.

She held her breath and pushed through, one foot in front of the other. Her eyes had been almost completely sealed shut, as if her eyelids were desperately attempting to shield themselves from the relentless onslaught of golden sparks that threatened to blind her completely. 

Wood creaked and broke behind her, each snap accompanied by a symphony of monstrous laughter. He was too fucking close; mocking her every step as if he had anticipated it. 

One shove and she was on the ground. She didn't trip and fall, no. He pushed her - put his big filthy hands on her body just because she was within reach. 

"How many times do we have to do this, Ellie?" he taunted, pinning her to the ground with his foot on her back. "You asked for this, you know. Led me right to ya."

"Fuck you," she spat. That got her as far as a firm kick in the ribs before he was on top of her again. In an instant, she found herself splayed across the floor, like a lifeless doll, while his hands tightly gripped her throat. "You can try beggin'." 

Ellie wouldn't. Even if she had enough air to beg she would have never given him that. She didn't cry either; there was no use. He had her, and he was going to keep her. Still, it could've been worse. She could've been stuck in some random basement, bleeding out on a dirty mattress because some stupid kid failed to stitch her up properly.

Within seconds she was on her back, and he was looking at her. Really looking at her. She wanted to say that there was nothing but darkness behind those eyes. That he was so evil that nothing could make him look human. But there was such severe hunger that burned behind him. His body starved, stomach emptied out to make room for her. 

Not yet though. No, he still wanted to have some fun with her. 

"You think you know me?" He seethed, his grip on her unrelenting. "You have no idea what I'm capable of..."

She tried arching her back at first, even though she knew it always excited men like him. Or maybe men in general. She didn't know. How could she? She was too small for anyone to get this close. With that on his mind, at least. 

Her hands reached above her, trying to grasp the machete that she knew was there. Except now, Ellie was grasping at thin air. There was nothing there. Fear seized her like never before...she was going to die. 

Joel's coming, she thought. He's not going to let this happen. He won't.

He won't.

"Don't be afraid."

No.

"There's no fear in love." 

One of his hands left her throat, though his other still prevented her from taking a breath. 

Where the fuck was Joel? Why wasn't he there yet? 

There was a sound of metal clicking and hitting the floor. His belt, and then his zipper...

Ellie's eyes shot open as she took deep, rapid breaths through her nose. Her throat had been closed shut, preventing her from making a single sound. Where was she? This wasn't her room. Wasn't Joel's either...

Joel.

She sat up, swinging her legs off the bed before reality sank in. She looked at the sleeping girl next to her, dark curls spilling from her ponytail, the necklace still wrapped around her neck. 

With that, Ellie covered her mouth so she didn't wake Dina and ran out of the room before collapsing into a corner of the hallway. There, she let herself cry and gasp for breath, trying to imagine Joel's arms around her. How the fuck did he always calm her down after these things. 

Count to ten. Breathe. Blah, blah, blah...

She just wanted him to do it. It was too much work to do on her own. She wanted to go home. 

It was already well past noon when they woke up, both a hell of a lot calmer than they were just hours ago. As Ellie got dressed, she couldn't help but stare at her blue nails, laughing at just how badly they clashed with her red shirt. Dina, once again, reminded her that they looked good as they tiptoed downstairs once more.

"I'm sorry you have to leave so early," she apologized again. 

Ellie glanced at the clock hanging in the kitchen. 11:53 wasn't exactly early, not by her standards at least. Joel always teased her about sleeping in, but she knew it was all in good fun. She smirked at the thought of him pacing up and down their house, patiently awaiting her arrival. Knowing him, it was pretty shocking that he hadn't sent for her yet, just to make sure that she was still alive.

"Eh, it's cool," she assured and swung her backpack over her shoulders. "Joel's probably expecting me by now, anyway." 

"Still," Dina shot her a sheepish smile. "I'm glad you could come. Even if it was kinda..."

"Yeah, well, I had fun so it doesn't matter." She looked down at the necklace she made, still wrapped around her neck. Her heart leaped from joy at the fact that Dina was happy with something so simple. It was kinda creepy just how excited she got to be honest. 

Dina pulled her in for a hug, which Ellie was still getting used to. "Thank you," she whispered before pulling away. "I'm glad you came."

"Me too." 

Understatement of the century.

Her house was just a few minutes away from Dina's, yet the walk back granted her the perfect opportunity to delve into her thoughts. She just had a motherfucking sleepover! With a girl! Holy fuck...

Before last night, her only idea of a sleepover came from those dumb teen movies that she loved to clown on. Though, if she was being honest with herself, Ellie liked just how similar it felt. How normal it felt.

And how foreign it all was.

She'd never say it, but fuck did she get used to the little nighttime routine she and Joel had built for themselves. Each night, without fail, Joel tucked her into bed, neither of them relaxing until he did so. He pulled the covers up to her chin, even if it was the middle of July, and kissed her forehead, her cheeks, her nose if she squirmed. Anything to let her know that he did, in fact, still love her. 

After that came the reassurance that if she needed him, for anything, he was just a door away. And if she did need him, he would hold and comfort her until the pain went away before tucking her in again. 

Dina didn't have any of that. 

Her mom almost seemed fed up with them by the end of the party. She didn't even check if they ate anything - Joel would have lost it if she didn't eat a piece of bread at least - before ordering them to go to bed. And then it was lights out. No goodnight kiss, nothing.

Was that because she lost Dina's sister? Was she scared to get close to anyone, like Joel had been? 

No. No, that wasn't a fair comparison. Joel missed Sarah every day but he didn't get drunk over it. Not on boring days, and especially not for birthdays or other parties. It just didn't seem like his style.

She wondered about what he did while she was away. Probably sculpted some more, he loved doing that. Must've been heavenly too, without Ellie's constant rambling to take his focus away. She could see him with his stupid fucking glasses on, the ones that made him look like a real grandpa, as he turned wood into sculptures. 

But that couldn't have been further from the truth. 

The second Ellie stepped foot into the house, she could tell that something was off. The air seemed thicker, more polluted, and everything was way too quiet. Still, she shrugged it off and called out to him, excitement rolling from her tongue. She wanted to tell him about the sleepover, and the cake Dina's mom made, and how Jesse taught her to play Sorry, and-

"Joel?" she called out again, this time a little more cautiously. 

No response. 

Ellie knew his hearing was shit but damn, was it that bad? He should've welcomed her home by now, he always did. 

She took off her shoes and leaned the backpack against the wall before peeking into the kitchen. The second she stepped foot into it, she froze. It was a fucking mess. Like, more than usual. There were empty beer bottles scattered across the counters, as well as a half-empty bottle of...something. 

Ellie opened the lid and smelled the bottle for clarification. Ugh. Whiskey. Why the fuck was Joel drinking whiskey? He always stuck to beer and even that was on random occasions. 

Something wasn't right.

She returned the bottle to its original spot and looked around, her eyes landing on the little calendar he hung up on the wall next to the fridge. Upon closer inspection, Ellie noticed that the entire page marked 'July' was gone. It wasn't a clean cut either, someone tore it out. The fuck? 

Hesitantly, she started climbing the stairs to his room, more than a little on edge. His door was cracked open just a bit, which was weird considering how he always kept it open for her. 

Ellie called out to him again before knocking on the door. Silence. She took a breath before taking a peek inside, the sight sending shivers down her spine. 

Joel was sprawled on his side of the bed, on his stomach, with one arm lazily falling off the edge. He was asleep? At noon? In his work clothes? 

What. The. Fuck. 

A million questions rang through Ellie's head, and a part of her prayed that she would never know the answers to any of them. The sight of him damn her falling off the bed reminded her too much of Marianne falling off that couch...

Oh.

Oh shit. 

The bottles, the fact that he was sleeping well into noon...it was too familiar.

It didn't take long for Ellie to piece together what happened, and her heart dropped to her stomach. Did Joel get wasted because she left? 

Was this another thing that she had to worry about? That Joel couldn't physically handle her being away from him? 

Anger simmered below her skin at the thought as she slowly entered the room, torn between tiptoeing so she didn't wake him or stomping so loud it shook the ground. She looked down at the sleeping man in front of her, the feeling of betrayal finally settling at the bottom of her stomach. 

He told her that he'd be fine without her. He fucking swore it! 

Ellie came close to shaking him awake and making him regret everything twice as hard. But he looked so...defeated. Even in his sleep, his brows were knitted together, adding to the wrinkles already decorating his forehead. He hadn't looked like that since they were sleeping outside. Ellie's lip quivered at the sight. 

She looked over at his bedside table only to find, not just Sarah's, but her framed photo resting on it as well. Her gaze lowered even further until she spotted the half-open drawer, her stomach dropping. There was no reason to pretend that she didn't know what he kept in there, or even more, that she didn't know why it was now opened.

Ellie looked at Joel again, making sure that he was out cold before reaching in and grabbing the gun from the drawer. It was heavy, just as she had expected. The fucking balls on him! To put her on a fucking suicide watch for months just because she burned her arm while he kept a loaded gun beside him at all times! 

She rushed to her room as quietly as possible, stuffing the gun into the shoebox under her bed where she kept her journal. It's not like he had any business looking down there to begin with. 

She couldn't lose him. Least of all to his own hand. If he wanted to shoot his brains out, he would have to go through her first. 

Ellie tried her best to stay mad at him, she really did. Maybe it was for the booze, maybe it was the gun, or maybe it was the broken promise that he would be okay without her. But, at her core, Ellie was a little kid, who craved affection like it was her last lifeline. And, truthfully, she just wanted to be held. 

With her anger vanishing bit by bit, she quietly climbed onto her side of the big bed, shifting her weight so that she didn't wake him. It wasn't an ideal position with him on his stomach since she couldn't snuggle close like she wanted to, but just having him near was enough.

She stayed there for a little bit, listening as his steady breathing turned into mumbles. Sleep must've been a hell of a battle last night. It always was for him, though she could've sworn it had gotten better. Or maybe he was just putting on a facade for her. Either way, she stayed put and counted the grey hair on his head until boredom wouldn't let her carry on. 

Ellie scooted a tiny bit closer to him, which caused him to stir and roll onto his back. His eyes fluttered open for a second before he shut them tightly, letting out a groan of pain. 

Yup. Drunk.

She stayed quiet, waiting to see if he'd fall back asleep or not. Joel ran a palm across his face, mumbling something that she couldn't understand before his eyes opened again. It took another few seconds before he seemed to even notice her presence but, the second he did his eyes widened. 

"Ellie," he breathed.

"Hi," she offered a sheepish smile in return. "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you..."

"No, uh, you didn't. Just- what time is-"

"It's late," she cut him off before he could struggle some more. "I just got back."

Joel threw his head back onto the pillow with a pained groan. "Right. Yeah- right- Dina. How, uh, how was that? You sleep okay?"

Of course he had to ask that. Even when hungover as all hell, his number one priority was always Ellie. It calmed her, a little, to see him try and at least pretend like everything was okay for her sake. It made her feel safe, even if it wasn't real. 

A part of her ached to tell him about the nightmare, but she bit her tongue. He didn't need to worry about her right now. "Yeah, it was good," she said instead. 

"Mm, that's good," he slurred in the same fashion that Marianne had last night. Then, before he could make a move to get up - for whatever reason - Ellie seized his wrist to stop him.

"Wait-" she pleaded, putting on her best puppy dog eyes. "Can...can we just stay like this for a little bit? Please?" 

Joel let out a groan of his own. "Ellie..."

"Please?" She knew it was selfish. The guy must have had the biggest headache ever, but she just needed him close for a few moments. To make up for not having him there when she needed him.

He sighed but his expression softened to the best of his abilities. "Alright, then," he agreed and settled next to her again, this time pulling her close. He smelled terrible but Ellie didn't dare complain. The comfort of having him there was more than enough to make up for it.

"I missed you," she said, her voice muffled by his chest. She could practically hear the smile on his face as he pressed a kiss to the crown of her head. "Missed you too, kiddo."

They stayed like that for god knows how long before he pulled back enough to look her over, his stare getting stuck somewhere below her chin. A mischievous smirk played on his lips as he eyed her again. "Is that nail polish?"

Ellie's face went red with embarrassment. "No," she lied and snuggled closer. "Shut up!"

Chapter Text

Footsteps were never a good sign. Each creak of the old, wasted floors announced another threat. Stay quiet and hope for a quiet return. That was the first thing he told himself when the whole world went to shit. Four years later, the situation was only getting worse, so a quiet return, an answer heard only by the emptiness of the run-down apartment they resigned in, was all they could hope for. 

Only now, he hoped and prayed for a sound, any sound, as he pressed his ear to the thin wall. He shut his eyes and tried to focus beyond the baby's desperate cries echoing through the room, trying to stay strong in his silent prayers. 

Give me some footsteps, he thought. Give me something to work with here. Don't leave me hanging. Don't let our daughter starve. 

The infant's cries were getting too loud for comfort now, forcing him to give up and approach her crib. "Hey— hey— shh," he tried to soothe as he held her tiny body close to his own. "It's okay, daddy's got you..."

But the crying wouldn't stop, no matter how gently he rocked her from side to side or bounced her in his arms. "C'mon, Abby, work with me here," Jerry begged. "I know you're hungry, I'm hungry too." 

He looked around for something to divert her attention. They've only been in Chicago for a few weeks, hiding out in an abandoned apartment complex that they didn't bother refurbishing.

Back in Naperville, they had access to more baby shit like toys and such. Abby seemed to have had a liking for a specific blanket, resembling a small wolf, though it could've also been a dog...it was hard to tell. At first, Jerry was worried that she'd catch something from it, some random disease that couldn't be cured with what little they had left of paracetamol, but gave it a rest after seeing how it calmed her. 

Of course, because they were rushing to flee yet again, he forgot to grab it. Getting her to stop crying had been a living hell ever since. 

Exhaustion was setting in, both for Jerry and for little Abby who had been crying for what seemed like hours now. "I know sweetie, I know..." he cooed, unsure if it was for her sake or his own. "Mommy's gonna be right back...she has to be." 

Abby's little fingers caught onto the edge of his sleeve, tugging at it with all her might as she tried bringing it to her mouth. Jerry let her try, thanking any higher power for the rare moment of calmness that washed over him. Her crying had stopped, even if just for a moment. It was enough. 

Conjuring up an old memory, a distant idea of what a father was supposed to be before the end of the world, he pressed his daughter's small body to his own in hopes of comforting her. He tried to think of his mother; tried to remember what she did when his sister was just a baby. 

Jerry walked over to the dresser and grabbed one of his shirts, gently swaddling Abby, and almost tying her to him in the process. It seemed to have done something, considering her face had relaxed, eliminating any threat of further tears. 

They weren't out of the woods yet, however. As far as he was concerned they wouldn't be until she was asleep. 

He lowered his voice, adjusting his hold on her tiny body, and tried singing one of his mother's lullabies. The lyrics felt foreign on his tongue, his jaw too stiff to let them pass as effortlessly as hers had, but he gave it his all. 

Abby's big eyes widened even more, almost as if she were listening to the words. Perhaps there was a connection there. She was named after his mom, after all. 

It could've been hours or mere minutes, but Jerry suddenly heard footsteps outside the front door. His hand instinctively glued itself to the gun in his pocket, fear causing his blood to run cold. Four years and he had yet to shoot a person whose face still resembled a human. Just the thought of it made him want to throw up.

But he'd do it if he had to.

He had a two-month-old to protect.

Then came the knock, the one they had agreed upon, and he could feel the air rushing back into his lungs. With relief coursing through his veins, he rushed to open the door, both grateful and horrified by the sight of his wife. 

She was panting, blonde streaks of hair fighting their way out of her braid. Her clothes were disheveled and her freckles were covered by dirt, but Jerry couldn't find it in his heart to care as he wrapped his arms around her.

"Oh, thank God," he mumbled into her hair before pulling away enough to see her face. "Where the hell were you? I was worried sick..."

"Is she asleep?" were the first words out of her mouth. Jerry furrowed his brows, trying to make out why her voice was so shaky. Though, as his eyes raced to meet hers, he realized that she wasn't even paying attention to him. 

"Yeah, just about," he answered and watched as she moved past him and made her way to Abby's crib. "Hey, Laura—" he followed suit. "Would you slow down, please? I'm trying to talk to you."

Laura turned around, her eyes nearly bulging out of their sockets. "Jesus, Jerry, what? I didn't find anything. What else is there to say?" 

"You've been gone for two days."

"And I'm back now."

Jerry straightened his posture a bit, appraising the woman before him. "Are you hurt?"

"I'm fine," she spat, her eyes still not meeting his as she turned back to the crib. There was a sinking feeling in his gut, too loud to ignore. Within seconds, he put his body between the crib and his wife, blocking Laura's path. 

Now it was her time to look him up and down. "What are you doing?" 

"You're acting weird," he moved closer to try and frame her face with his palms, but she stiffened under his touch, eyelids flickering like she was trying not to cry. Jerry swallowed, the question burning a hole through his chest.

"Were you bitten?"

"No." Her voice was flat but determined, though her eyes, still and icy, betrayed any sense of comfort that the words tried to bring. He wasn't buying it. 

"She needs to eat," Laura pointed out and tried to move past him to get to Abby, but he stood his ground. "Jerry—"

"I'm not letting you near her until you tell me what's wrong."

"I'm not infected!"

"Then what? Why won't you talk to me?" 

"Jerry," her voice broke. "I'm— I'm tired. Okay? Can I just..." She tried to move closer again, grasping at thin air for a chance to hold her daughter. It didn't take a year of med school for Jerry to figure out she wasn't fine. Her skin was turning an almost sickly shade of green as the sweat-soaked clothes glued themselves to it. 

In one swift motion, he grabbed Abby and held her tiny form (now shaking with cries once again) to his chest. He took a step back, and then another until he was almost backed into a corner. 

"Where?" he breathed. 

Laura bit her bottom lip in a desperate attempt to stifle a sob. "I'm not..."

"Show me." 

Her head fell, slumped shoulders shaking with each shaky breath her body allowed her to take. There was no use pretending anymore. They had both seen enough people turn to know better.

Left leg, just below the knee. Marked for death, just like everyone else. Jerry couldn't quite make out the feeling yet, but it was nothing like the grief he had experienced previously in his life. His heart wouldn't let him make peace with it, and his brain followed suit. 

A sob found its way out of him, or maybe something more accurately resembling a wounded animal, though it didn't last long. He needed to keep his body still so he wouldn't scare the baby, her head still leaning on his shoulder. 

"Jerry..."

"When?" 

He needed to know how long she had left. To see how many kisses he could get in before the disease took her. How many jokes could he re-tell in whatever time God had given her to spare?

"I'm so sorry..."

"When?"

"Ten hours," her voice rose. "Give or take." 

That 'give or take' was a mighty thin line considering the state of her, that Jerry wasn't willing to cross. He shook his head firmly, trying hard to cling to her every word like it was his lifeline, the way he had done since they were kids. 

She dropped her jeans, torn and bloody, back in place and took a step closer, trying to scoop their daughter from his arms. From safety. Jerry dodged the attempt again, despite there being little to no room for him to hide. 

"I want to hold her."

She didn't have long. Not even close. 

A shaky hand left his daughter's small frame and instead glued itself back to the pocket of his pants. 

"No— no— don't!" Laura cried. "I mean, fuck, Jerry. Do you think I haven't tried that myself? I just need to hold her first...I can't— I can't go without that!"

"You're dying." 

"Just— let me hold her. I need to—"

Her words were cut short by a twitch of her neck. It lasted a second before her head was back in place, though her shoulder followed and rose to her cheek. 

There it was. 

They stared at each other after that, and Jerry fought to accept that her eyes weren't human anymore. He pointed the gun at her head, trying to shrink the idea of pressing the barrel to his temple first. 

"Don't…" the sentence got caught in his throat, choking him with the unfamiliarity of it. "Don't come any closer." 

"I'll do it myself! I will— just give her to me!" Laura's scream bounced off the walls, only achieving to make her daughter's cries louder. "Please!"

The tears felt like fire as they made their way down his face, scorching and burning every bit of his soul. A soul that might have already left him by that point. 

He couldn't risk it. Not now, nor ever.

"Let me hold her! Let me hold my baby- she's mine! She was mine before she was ever yours!" Her steps quickened as she raced to close the gap between them. "Give her to me—" 

Fear unlike any other twisted around his spine as the shot echoed around him. He feared that the side of his face pressed against little Abby's ear wasn't enough to protect her hearing from it. What if he hurt her? She must have been crying so loud...

Truth was that he couldn't hear anything past the sound of his heart ringing in his ears. But that, too, died down eventually, leaving him with such silence that shook him to his core. A quiet return.

No. No, no, no, no, no,...

His sobs blended with his daughter's, however his were quieter. A hand, now vacant and free from the gun, pressed down on his mouth until it was hard to breathe. The hand that took away the mother of his child. He pressed down even harder, swallowing the sheer agony rising in his throat.

Stay quiet and hope for a quiet return.

Jerry stood there and stared blankly at the room's emptiness before his vision blurred. One look at Marlene, her chest torn open, drowning in her blood, and he felt sick. 

She was going to kill a kid - a little girl, barely three years younger than his Abby. He had no choice. 

Bile began to trickle up his throat slowly, but he refused to let it out for fear of aggravating the already-existing wound. Rather, he allowed himself to cry. From both the pain and the gratitude that Joel hadn't killed him.

Now Jerry was limited to pleading with a higher force for Abby's survival. If she wasn't alive, he could easily complete the smuggler's task on his behalf; let the bullet find its mark. 

The alarm rang through the building, red lights flickering on and off just outside the door. How many people were dead? How many of them were worth spilled tears? 

Footsteps echoed from behind; terrified eyes meeting his in an instant before scanning the rest of the room.

"What the..." Owen whispered, still lingering at the door, gun in hand. His eyes widened at the sight of Marlene, his breathing quickening. "What the fuck...?" 

Jerry could see the boy's hands shaking and his blood ran cold. Shit. "Owen," he offered his name as a substitute for whatever apology he was unable to deliver. 

But the kid wouldn't be calmed. "What happened? Where's the...did— did he—?" 

"Owen," he said his name more urgently this time, wincing through the pain as he walked over to him. White spots danced before him, though he couldn't care. "Where's Abby?"

"She..." Owen paused to collect himself, blinking hard, and Jerry just about had a heart attack right then and there. "She's fine," he continued, and the doctor allowed himself a sigh of relief. "What the fuck happened? What— who—?"

Jerry couldn't answer and judging by the look on the kid's face, he didn't have to. All it took was one glance at Marlene and the gun in his hand for Owen to put the pieces together. "What the...what did you do?"

"Owen."

"—No, what the fuck did you do? How— why—?"

"Owen, listen to me," Jerry snapped, though he regretted it immediately. He took a breath to stabilize himself before speaking again. "Abby can't know about this. Alright? I didn't have a choice just...promise me that you won't say anything. Please." 

He knew damn well how much weight the request carried. It was just too much; a thing too big for him to carry all alone. And he liked Owen well enough. More importantly, he knew that Abby liked him, and he liked her. Jerry needed someone like him right now, despite how selfish it was. 

"Owen," he tried again, softer this time. "Can I trust you?"

The kid looked down at the gun in the doctor's hand that he was still foolishly clinging onto. His whole body was shaking. Shock, probably. But eventually, he managed a quick nod. 

"Y-yeah. Yeah, okay."

"Anderson!" the voice echoed from the porch for the millionth time that day, sharp fists pounding on the front door so hard it felt as though they were trying to leave a mark.

Jerry sighed and slowly moved closer to the foyer, maintaining enough distance to think over his options. "They'll tire themselves out eventually, right?" he asked, hoping his voice would find a person to reach.

Sure enough, Abby was still sitting on top of the stairs, staring blankly at the front door. She glared at him for a second or two before deciding he wasn't even worth that much, and Jerry sighed in defeat.

Ah, right. The silent treatment.

Given the situation, that was way better than anything else his girl could’ve thrown at him. It hadn't hit him yet, how close he came to losing her. Maybe not to death's hand, but was there a difference? In this world, there's no keeping in touch. If a person leaves, there's a close possibility of them never being seen again. So he'd soak up the silence, and bask in it for as long as she'd let him. 

He turned back to the door that was still shaking from the force of Jordan's punches. "Fuck you, asshole!" His voice rang out. "You owe us an explanation!" 

Another one? Jesus, wasn't one pissed-off kid enough?

There were more muffled voices coming from outside, trying to calm Jordan, though it didn't seem to be working. The sound was becoming unbearable now. 

With a sigh Jerry moved to the door, his hand lingering on the doorknob as he looked over at Abby, trying to see if she’d object. 

But, again, he was met with that icy expression on her face. He hated to admit it, but she had never looked more like her mother. 

"Jerry," that was Mel's voice. "Just open the door. We just want to talk. Is Abby there?"

He didn't answer, guilt turning his tongue to ice yet again. These were kids. It didn't matter what he said because their ears were too young for it. They had never felt the terror of having their soul, every fiber of their being, exist outside of their bodies. The terror of having a child. 

"You know," Jordan continued after the silence had settled. "You were the one preaching to us about how grateful we're supposed to be that they took us in!"

"Jordan..." Mel tried, and failed, to calm him once more. 

"Open the fucking door!" The boy's voice cracked, strained from all the yelling. "We went with you because we fucking trusted you! And then you drag us to this town, with him in it?" 

Jerry dropped his hand from the doorknob and took a few steps away. What the fuck did they expect him to say? 

"Jordan!" Mel's voice pierced the boy's. "Enough." 

"How does it feel?" Jordan yelled, ignoring the girl. "To know that your kid had to go to seek comfort from the fucking smuggler instead of you?" 

That caught his attention. His feet came to a halt as he turned to face his daughter, still sat on the stairs. Did she go to him? Why the hell would she go to him? Better yet, what did he tell her? 

His heart hurt, and he didn't know what to do about it. 

The last thing Jordan cared to say to him before Jerry heard footsteps coming off the porch was, "You're fucking pathetic." And damn, if it wasn't the cherry on top of everything.

His fingers gripped the railing on the stairs, eyes searching his daughter's face for any sign of...anything. "You went to him?" he asked, voice cracking at the thought. 

Abby looked at him, and for a second, Jerry thought that he saw her features soften. Please, he begged. Just say something. He thought back to his earliest fights with Laura, and how quiet she'd get. Back then, he would get her flowers and chocolates as a replacement for an apology.

Abby wasn't like her, though. How could she be? She never knew her. 

She knew Marlene though. No amount of chocolates could take that away. 

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Mel scolded as they put some distance between them and Abby's house. "Yelling like that on the fucking street...what if someone heard you?" 

"I don't give a shit-"

"I know you don't, Jordan! That's the fucking problem!" 

"Well, what would you have preferred then Mel?" The boy put more force into his step until she had to practically run after him. "Wanna pretend that nothing fucking happened?" 

"You could've tried not breaking his fucking door down, how about that?" She studied his face, trying to ignore the anger and desperation that burned behind his eyes. Everything about this was beyond fucked. 

"So...you wanna go find Owen?" she asked after the silence had stretched out. There was no point in staying mad. Not in her eyes, at least.

Owen practically ran off the second Abby left. Jordan tried chasing him for a bit, though it didn't do much. Jerry was their last option if they wanted some real fucking answers but that went about as well as Mel had imagined it would. Jordan's anger had always burned on a short fuse but died out pretty fast, so there was some hope of him calming down. Hopefully. 

"Fuck that guy," he spat, rage still evident in his strained voice. "He can break his fucking neck for all I care."

"Let's just go home then. I have a shift in a few hours..."

Jordan's hand suddenly wrapped itself around her arm as he pulled her into a corner. "How can you not see how fucked this is?" He whispered. "How many people died in that fucking hospital? Hey- look at me. He doesn't give a shit about us, or justice. He's a fucking waste, you hear me?"

"And you do? Jordan, there's nothing we can do."

But the fire in his eyes didn't die down. He looked around, his jaw stiff as he feasted on the inside of his cheek. 

"What?" Mel sighed, already dreading his next words. 

"The girl," he said. "She's still immune."

Her heart froze in her chest as she fought hard to process what he was putting on the table. Jordan's eyes gleamed at the expression on her face, already satisfied with himself. 

"We can still make this right." There was a terrifying amount of pride in his tone, masked by the remaining rage still leftover. "We can make sure those people's deaths won't be for nothing."

Chapter Text

Joel threw the pan back on the counter with an exhausted sigh. He had never been much of a baker -never been much of anything, to be honest - and yet he somehow figured that would change within a week. 

He had lost his sense of kindness. Bloodied and wounded, his aged hands weren't used to creating anything worthy of love. But he was stubborn. Oh, he was stubborn as all hell. So he threw the burnt batter into the garbage, washed his hands free of guilt, and returned to work. 

Back on the road, when Joel had to murder anyone standing in their way, he always made sure that there was no residue on his hands. If he couldn't shield Ellie from the sight of him bashing people's skulls in, he could have at least made sure that none of it came near her. It was strictly a what-if scenario back then. His hands had to be clean just in case he ever had to grab her and run because, in truth, he wouldn't have survived the guilt of staining her pale skin with his mistakes. 

The what-if scenarios had since died down, which was both a blessing and a curse. 

Joel liked holding her. It grounded him; made his purpose clearer. The circumstances in which she needed to be held though...that was another story. One that he wasn't too keen on rehashing right now. Instead, he opened the fridge and reached for another pair of eggs, his hand coming to a halt halfway, lingering in the air.

He could've sworn that he tossed all of it out by now, especially after the incident last week. Or maybe it was two weeks. Time was playing tricks on him again, so much so that it almost made Joel reach in and down the final bottle of beer right then and there. 

Ellie shouldn't have seen him like that: drunk and wobbly, rotting in bed well past noon. He had been keeping it a secret for a good while before she found out, though Joel had always known he was running on borrowed time. That girl was too fucking smart for his bullshit. 

He wasn't twenty anymore, pouring whiskey into his coffee every morning to ease the tension from his shoulders. It was easier to hide it back when Sarah was just a baby and Tommy still hadn't caught on to the fact that drinking every night wasn't healthy. 

Still, old habits die hard. If the fucking apocalypse couldn't make him win a simple round of Russian roulette, it could shove a drink into his hand. It wasn't so different at the end of the day. 

His hands balled into fists as he closed the fridge and leaned against the gummy counter, hoping it would stop the trembling. Fucking withdrawal.

As weird as it was to admit, it was so much easier to deal with this shit back on the road. The all-consuming danger lurking in the shadows didn't allow him a second of peace. There was no time to adjust to groggy mornings without pills, or sleepless nights without a drink in his hand. Back then, Joel could blame the sweat on the constant running and climbing, and his shaky hands on the few too many punches he delivered. 

Ellie also didn't have time to ask questions. Shit, she hadn't even known him well enough to know that wasn't who he was in nature.

But now, in Jackson, where the bar was always full on a Friday night, and Ellie's eyes had gotten used to every wrinkle on his face, she was starting to realize just how natural it all came to him. That's who Joel Miller was, at his core. A mean, old drunk, with enough grief to drown a village. Certainly enough to ruin a little girl. 

But sure, a cake could make up for that.

He snapped out of his daze as he heard the front door open, diverting his attention from the cold feeling in his gut. He had yet to determine if this was a good thing or not. 

"Mornin'," his brother chimed in from the foyer. In typical Tommy fashion, he didn't bother wiping the mud from his boots before moving closer, but Joel didn't have the energy to scold him about it. The younger Miller's face was already twisted in disgust by the time he made it to the kitchen. "Jesus, what died in here?"

Joel shot him an unimpressed look through his eyebrows. "Very funny."

Tommy smirked, taking in the state of the room. "Shit, you've been busy haven't you?" 

The kitchen was a mess. The sink reeked of unwashed dishes, and the counter was barely visible beneath a coating of crusted egg whites and flour. What remained of the burned cake, which had subsequently met its demise in the trash, was most likely the stink that his younger brother had so graciously pointed out.

"Please don't tell me that's your idea of breakfast," Tommy joked, though it was half-hearted. "Look, I don't care how many vitamins or whatnot it has, you can be decent and fry the girl some bacon at least."

Joel felt a wave of shame go over him. He was getting close to sixty years old, yet he couldn't even make his girl an edible birthday cake. But he straightened his back and dismissed the remark, seeing as he would sooner die than have Tommy, of all people, see the uncertainty in his eyes.

"You remember that cake that you brought Sarah for her, uh, fif- sixth birthday?"
The name burned on his tongue; sharper than any liquor ever could.

Tommy awkwardly shifted his weight from one foot to the other, clearing his throat.

"The chocolate one? Is that what you're trying to, uh...do?"

Recreate. That was the word he was searching for. And no, Joel wasn't trying to recreate anything with Ellie. Wouldn't have done either of 'em any good. 

"I don't know. I guess I...reckon she'd like that." There was a tense silence that followed; re-opening wounds that countless meaningless words failed to fill. 

Tommy's eyes softened, his features relaxing ever so slightly. "Right," he smirked. "Right, yeah, fifteen huh? That's...that's a lot."

Joel grunted in response, his soul almost content at the thought. It was a lot, especially for a world like this. Of course, she was still just a baby in his eyes, albeit a mighty capable one. Fifteen wasn't a lot to him, but it was more than he had been used to in some old life that seemed almost light years away. 

"Girl's never had a birthday party before," he said, anger bubbling inside him. Nobody ever cared enough about her. Nobody gave a shit. "I just want it to mean somethin'."

"By giving her this?" Tommy asked, gesturing around the kitchen. "You know we got folks that know how to do this shit, right? You could ask 'em. Ain't no shame in it."

"Ain't much else I can give." 

That was true. He had wasted precious time, neglected her, and kept her at arm's length, only to suddenly pull her close enough to hide her away in the hollow of his ribcage. The fact was that he needed a push to love her. Truly love her. And what a waste of time it was: waiting - aching - for that push. 

Now only one question remained: how much longer?

How much longer until he didn't have the words anymore?

Until she started to fear his touch again?

Until fear overtook him and he became cold again. Distant. Angry? At her? No. No, never at her. 

Never again. 

"Joel."

He looked up, meeting his brother's eyes, concern damn near bleeding from them. 

"You with me?" 

There was tension hanging in the air by a noose with no knife to cut through it. A metallic taste trickled down his throat, and it was only then that Joel realized that he had been gnawing at his thumb for God knows how long. 

"Sure," he sighed and leaned against another counter. One that, thankfully had not been a victim of his attempts at baking. One simple thing that his hands still hadn't ruined. 

He thought briefly about how many things bled onto his hands. The watch on his wrist was the last thing he owned that Sarah's hands had touched, so he wanted to keep her blood crusted underneath his fingernails. To carry something that belonged to her. The watch wasn't hers, but her body, small and freezing, would always belong to her. And so would the blood. 

Tommy had tried to force him to wash the blood off after four days, merely for the fact that the smell was becoming hard to live with. It got so bad that Tommy - barely getting out of the fight with his jaw still intact - had to knock him out cold. By the time Joel woke up his hands were clean, and by God, he had never hated his brother more. 

Coincidentally, that was also the night when Joel pressed the barrel of his pistol to his temple. 

Tommy sighed, his green eyes seeing right through him. They both had their mother's eyes, and it felt like a gut punch each time they looked at him with worry or concern. It was part of the reason Joel despised mirrors for a while.

"Alright, look, why don't you go over to Francis and ask her for a cake? I'm sure she'll be more than happy to oblige."

Joel shook his head. "I don't have a gift for her. I need something."

"Yeah, well, if push comes to shove you can say you got her her a house. Oh...wait...that was me."

Joel scoffed, though his brother's joke did brighten the mood up a bit. "Right, like you got somethin'."

Tommy pursed his lips, his eyes sparkling with a familiar mischief, looking mighty proud of himself. Joel knew that look, and he would've been lying if he said that he wasn't a little jealous. "Do you?" he asked, silently praying that the answer was no.

"Well, I'm not one to brag..." yeah right. "...But I think I might've struck gold with this one."

For a second, the older Miller was completely speechless. Did his fucking dumbass of a little brother, who once rushed to buy his mother's birthday present after the party was over, actually get Ellie a gift? 

Joel's lone present was a wooden giraffe sculpture that he had spent months perfecting. He couldn't give that to a fifteen-year-old girl for her birthday. Ellie liked comic books with questionable characters. She liked stupid puns about space and could talk his ear off about dinosaurs. She wouldn't give a shit about a piece of wood. 

"Did you now?" He asked, trying to keep the venom out of his voice. "And what might that be?" 

"Nuh-uh. I ain't telling. You'll spoil the surprise, or better yet, you'll try takin' it for yourself."

Joel rolled his eyes but didn't say anything. 

"C'mon, Joel, you know the kid better than any of us. Surely you got some idea."

"Oh sure, I got ideas. You wanna point me in the direction of the nearest toy store then?" 

Tommy's eyebrows shot up, that mischievous glint returning to his eyes. "Toy store?" he laughed. "What is she, five?"

Joel waved him off. "I don't know what kids like!"

"No, but you know what Ellie likes. Like, what's her favorite thing right now?"

"Right now?" Joel sighed, remembering every single movie night they'd ever had, trying hard not to burst into tears then and there. "Gettin' on my damn nerves. I mean, she just goes on and on about anything. The other day she told me 'bout this one dinosaur that weighed, like, three tons. The thing was, like, thirty damn feet long too..."

He shut himself up the second he noticed that Tommy's face had split into a grin. "Yeah, sounds like you were real annoyed by it."

Truthfully, Joel hadn't even realized how actively he clung to every damn word that little girl threw at him. The kid couldn't annoy him even if she tried and she knew it.  Still proud as ever, he wouldn't admit it.

"Did you need somethin' or did you just come here to shit on me?" 

Tommy burst into laughter for a few more seconds and Joel tried his hardest not to join in. It felt like they were just boys again, without a care in the world. 

"Right, uh," he sighed once his breathing had returned to normal. "There's this dance that we do at the end of Summer to, y'know, give the kids one last hurrah before school starts up again. It's a whole thing. I could really use some extra hands though..."

Joel blew out a breath and massaged his forehead. "How many shifts have I covered for you already?"

"I got other shit to do! You try running a fucking town."

As badly as he wanted to decline just to mess with his brother, Joel was never one to say no work. Before it was to make ends meet, and now it was to make something of himself. To earn his keep, both for him and Ellie.  

"...Alright, then," he resigned himself to his fate. "But you owe me." 

Tommy raised his palms in mock surrender. "Hey now, you're over here...what, baking? Meanwhile, your kid is slaving away at the damn library all day." 

"Oh come on, she ain't slaving away. They barely make her lift a finger."

"Actually, Esther has been praisin' her left and right. Apparently, Ellie's been quite the little helper."  

Joel's stomach suddenly tied itself into a tight knot. Why didn't he know about that? Was there a part of Ellie's life that was just supposed to fly over his head? He knew she wasn't that little anymore but...there was supposed to be more time.

She was growing up way too fast for his liking. Every time he blinked, she changed bit by bit. He couldn't keep up, and it scared the shit out of him. 

"Speaking of..." Tommy continued. "You, uh, talked to Esther at all?" 

"Just some basics," he shrugged before processing his brother's tone of voice. "...Why?"

Tommy shrugged back, though there was a sly smirk on his face. It made Joel want to punch it off him just for the hell of it.

"She's single..." 

"Tommy, I swear to God—" Joel's tone sharpened almost immediately. 

"What? She's a good woman," Tommy argued with everything he had. "Sue me, I don't see the harm in it."

Joel did. Ellie was real sensitive, and he wasn't about to bring a woman into the same bed where he had to comfort her through her nightmares. Not to mention that he and Ms. Polastri hadn't spoken a word that wasn't about work or Ellie. And even that wasn't much. 

Before Ellie, he was positive that any kind of love was just impossible for him. The fact that he managed to learn to love another kid as his own again was already hard to grasp but...a real relationship? Was that even something he still wanted? Was it ever? 

"It ain't something I'm looking for."

Tommy blew out another breath. "How do you know that?"

"My priorities are elsewhere." 

"Sure, but—“

"Tommy. Drop it."

His brother finally backed off, albeit reluctantly as all hell. It was clear he didn't understand the gravity of even suggesting something like that.

Charlotte had definitely left her mark. Joel's first...everything. Not to mention the mother of his child. There were other women after her, sure. But the second Sarah had doubts or complaints about any of them it was game over. And, if romance was something awaiting Joel in the future, it wouldn't even begin to match the love he had for either of his daughters. 

Ellie was going to come first.

Before romance.

Before work.

Before a single drop of liquor. 

Nothing could ever bring a candle to it. No matter how tempting that bottle in the fridge was, or how impossible any cake was to bake. He'd learn to walk on water if it made her happy. 

And if his hands shook a little more, so be it. If the voices in his head told him to reach into his nightstand on a lonely night, and let the bullet find its mark, he could ignore them for a little bit longer.

He could stay a little while longer. Just a little while longer... 

Chapter Text

Ellie could barely catch glimpses of the men's faces, her tiptoes barely holding her weight. They looked angry, like always. No matter how effective, their heavy helmets did not leave much to the imagination. 

Those big, bad men loved making themselves known. Their heavy steps shook the ground; metal machines on constant display, promising threats to passers-by. Ellie wasn't sure what the machines did, only that they were loud and scared the doggies. She sometimes saw older kids with them as well, though theirs were smaller but just as loud. 

There were three men in the room. Two of them were dressed like any man: a big vest draped over green pants, heavy boots, and an even heavier-looking helmet. Their smaller machines mostly stayed hidden in one of their many pockets, while the bigger ones rested in their big, heavy hands. Ellie knew they were heavy because of how they landed on her. 

The third man, Marshall, was the only one she knew out of the three. He didn't wear the same outfit as the others; he had no helmet or vest, which meant he probably wasn't carrying any of those scary machines. It meant that he was safe.

The first time Ellie was sent to the office, Marshall gave her the other half of his sandwich and wiped her bloody face with a damp rag. He was gentler than the nurses, which she thought was pretty funny. After he was finished, however, she realized just how nice a gentle hand felt on her face. He put a gentle palm on her shoulder and told her that she was a brave girl. 

Ellie saw him at the cafeteria a few days later, or rather, he saw her sitting alone and joined her. 

"Why aren't you eating with the other kids?" he had asked. 

She didn't know how to respond so she bowed her head, choking down another bite of the slimy porridge. Her jaw still hurt from the fall, and her bloody knuckles struggled to keep the spoon from shaking. It was the first time that she was grateful for the awful porridge. 

"Where are your friends?" Marshall asked after some time. 

Ellie shrugged, her eyes still not meeting his. "Don't have any." 

The man sighed and ran his fingers through his thick mustache. "Well, that's a shame." His voice was so gentle that it made Ellie look his way immediately. "Is that why you're always getting into fights?"

She averted her gaze again. "They asked for it." 

"Maybe. But you can't go running around, causing problems for yourself like that. 'Specially not with the big kids."

"I'm big too..." 

He smirked and tapped his fingers on the table. "Sure you are. Brave too, ain't ya?" 

Ellie smiled at the phrase, that same warmth she felt back when he cleaned her face spreading over her body once more. She didn't know what the feeling was, just that she wanted it to stay. 

"Y'know," Marshall continued. "You remind me of my little girl, Susie. I swear she's just as stubborn as you."

"Where is she?"

"Ah, she's a little sick at the moment so she's staying home for a while." Then he went quiet for a bit. "I bet she'd be your friend." 

"Are you my friend?" Ellie tried her luck, widening her eyes and nearly jumping from her seat at the thought. 

He smiled at her. Grown-ups usually never smiled at her. "Sure, kid. I'd be honored."

Now, as Ellie was peeking through the glass window on his office door, she noticed that Marshall wasn't smiling anymore. He looked a little sick, so she made a mental note to bring him some soup at lunch. That always made her feel better when she was sick. She hadn't seen him in the cafeteria in a while, but she had been counting the days until he'd show up again so she wouldn't have to sit in silence anymore. 

Ellie jumped in the spot a bit, ignoring her freshly scraped knees. Maybe Marshall could clean them up again or put a bandage on the cut across her eyebrow. It wasn't bleeding that much anymore, but Ellie still had to wipe it every so often so that the blood wouldn't get in her eye. 

Suddenly, the office door swung open, sending her flying to the ground. Her eyes sheepishly darted from one man to the other before finally softening at the sight of Marshall. It was the first time she had seen him in weeks and she couldn't fight a smile even if she tried. 

"Hi," she smiled and waved, still sitting on the floor. 

Marshall glanced at her for a second before returning his attention to the clipboard in his hands.  "Alright, Williams...Williams...Williams..." he muttered and let out a frustrated sigh. "Which Williams is this one?" 

What?

It took a few seconds before one of the scary men spoke up and pointed somewhere on the paper. "Williams E., sir."

There was a sinking feeling in her stomach, one that Ellie could only connect to an illness. She didn't want to throw up again and make more work for the nurses. They already didn't like her all that much. Instead, she pulled her knees to her chest and studied the bloody scrapes as if they suddenly mattered. 

"Right," Marshall's voice rang out, though it didn't sound like him anymore. "Ellie Williams," he continued. "You've been sent here for stabbing Bethany McCormick in the thigh with a switchblade, correct?"

Ellie didn't know half of the words he'd just spoken. It scared her. 

"Sir, if I may," one of the scary guys spoke. "We have reports that McCormick initiated the attack."

"The switchblade used belonged to Williams, did it not?" 

Ellie had pretty much stopped turning her head inside out to make sense of anything anymore. She just wanted him to say her name. To clean the sticky, smelly blood off of her and sit with her at lunch. That's what friends did, right?

"C'mon, boss, she's just a kid..." 

"Then she shouldn't have had the weapon to begin with, which was supposed to be taken care of by either her supervisor or one of the patrol officers." His tone was so sharp that it shook something deep within her chest. His head then snapped to Ellie, his once warm and kind eyes now icy and cold, piercing her soul.

"You," he growled. "Who is your supervisor?" 

Ellie didn't know what that word meant either, but she felt like she was supposed to. Truth be told, she was in such a state of panic that she might as well have forgotten her name. 

One of the men, now somehow nicer than her friend, seemed to have noticed her distress. "Who takes care of you, kid?" 

She tried to think - her brain drawing a blank once again. "Um...Miss...Miss Johnson?" 
That felt right enough. 

"We'll have a word with her, then." Marshall sighed and turned the paper over. "As for your punishment..."

"Seriously? Boss, she went up against a thirteen-year-old girl."

"Who is currently serving her punishment with stitches and cleanup duty. She's not a problematic case. She works hard and provides results. This one, however..." He pointed at Ellie, her tiny body trembling with the effort of keeping her tears away. 

"She gets sent to the office two to four times a week, can't follow simple instructions, and has borderline violent tendencies." 

Ellie was sadly familiar with almost every one of those words. 

Once again, she wasn't expecting the scary man with the helmet to stick up for her, but she was certainly grateful for it. 
"She is five years old..."

Marshall's head snapped to the soldier then, that icy glare finally finding a different target. 
"And since when does that matter?"

She didn't know what it was that possessed her to open her mouth right then and there, but she wanted answers. She wanted her friend back. "Why are you being mean?"

The man looked down on her in a way that no human had ever dared to before. Ellie knew that she wasn't well-liked, but she had never received a look like that not even after she couldn't get her stupid brain to spell the word orthodontist right in class. 

"Take her to the hole."

Every muscle in Ellie's body tensed up, and it felt as if someone had shoved a rock down her throat. All three men looked at each other for a moment until Marshall stepped closer. "Get up."

She shook her head, tears fighting their way down her cheeks. "No." 

"If you do not cooperate, soldier, my men will have no choice but to take you by force!" 

"Sir, that's enough—" One of them grabbed his arm and tried to hold him back, but Marshall freed himself from the guy's grasp immediately. "Damn it, Jeff, get the fuck off me!" 

Ellie let out a loud wail, unable to keep quiet any longer. She was scared and confused...what else was there for her to do? Of course, that only seemed to anger him more.

"Take her away," he ordered. "Lock her up until she learns her lesson. And then some."  

"Sir..."

"Do it or you're sleeping on the streets again!"

Ellie couldn't breathe anymore, the snot running down her face pretty much gluing her nose shut. Her tears didn't help, as she couldn't see anything anymore—just a blurred figure of the one person who had ever made her feel safe. 

The two men suddenly moved closer to her, kneeling and tucking their rough hands under her armpits until her feet weren't touching the ground anymore.

"N—no! Put me down! P—please it hurts!"

Nothing she did mattered. No matter how hard she screamed or kicked. They were too strong. Still, she screamed at the top of her little lungs. Not even words, just pure agony, coming from somewhere she hadn't even deemed possible.

By the time the big metal door opened, she didn't have a voice anymore. Just small wheezes and squeaks. Kind of like those puppies she saw begging for food sometimes. 

The ice-cold concrete re-opened every scrape and scratch on her body. The room itself was the size of a small closet, though much, much taller. And although her teachers called her 'slow', or 'stupid', Ellie knew for a fact that the second those doors shut it was lights out. 

There weren't any cracks in the walls that could provide any sort of light, and she knew it.

"No—no—no— please! I don't— I don't like t-th-the dark!" 

Once again, her voice meant nothing. The door shut with a loud bang, followed by the sound of metal locks setting it in place. Never once had she seen darkness like that. Even when she closed her eyes, trying to force sleep to overtake her on some restless night, it wasn't as dark. 

She tried screaming for the soldiers outside, Miss Johnson, Marshall...anyone who was around to listen. Nobody came. The skin on her hands had been scraped off with, what must've been, hours of banging against the door before she accepted defeat. She fell asleep like that. Cold, bloody, and hungry, lying on the cold concrete floor. 

Every year, without fail, Ellie had studied herself in the mirror. To see if she had grown at all, or if that one freckle nestled just beneath her left eye had finally left. She never understood why adults made such a fuss about growing up. It didn't change anything — certainly not how they treated her. 

Regardless, Ellie kept looking. Year after year she tried finding something that signified change. Her hair was longer, though that didn't matter much considering she always kept it up. That same fucking freckle was still there, alongside faint scars that had somehow healed over quite nicely. 

The burn gracing her forearm was the only proof of change. Well, physical change. She didn't even want to think about her organs rearranging themselves to make space for the monster she had become. Not today, at least. She could feel sorry for herself later after the whole town had fallen into a deep slumber. 

After she was done, Ellie slipped into her work jeans and put on a white tank top with two, very faded, red and yellow lines. The sun was still going at it, had been since May, and Ellie wasn't planning on covering shit with a flannel — no matter how 'risky' Joel said it was. 

She did steal a peek, however, at the cabinet under the sink. After she burned off her bite mark all those months ago, Joel's spine had somehow turned to jelly. He insisted that she keep the door open at all times, which turned into a screaming match that lasted almost two days. She knew that he didn't mean it in a creepy way, but there was no way in hell that she was showering with the door open. 

That didn't stop him from taking other 'safety precautions', though. 

All of the cleaning supplies vanished from that cupboard before Ellie had so much as a say in it. Especially the bleach, or what was left of it. But she still checked from time to time, to see if that old man had come to his senses and put the stuff back. If he could trust her to be in a fucking bathroom with fucking cleaning supplies again. 

Once again, the answer was no. 

Annoyed, but not surprised, Ellie closed the cabinet door and took another look at herself in the mirror before heading downstairs. 

She wasn't expecting Joel to be up yet. He'd worked a double shift last night, helping Tommy out with something. He didn't share any details; just that it had worn him out. But, as she made her way to the freakishly clean kitchen — not alarming whatsoever — her eyes were immediately drawn to the tiny table that she and Joel ate at. The dining table was reserved for family dinners with Tommy and Maria but this...this was their table. 

It was set with two plates, a little cleaner than usual, with a cup of fresh fruit between them. But no Joel. Ellie stole a strawberry from the cup before deciding to poke around some more. There was a loaf of bread on the counter alongside a carton of eggs. Now she was even more confused because Joel always made a fuss about leaving eggs outside for too long. 

Before she could play detective some more, she recognized the low hums and grunts coming from outside. Joel walked through the front door, with a bottle of, what appeared to be milk in his hand. He closed the door quietly like he was trying to be sneaky and made it about halfway down the hallway before even noticing her. 

He froze, a sly smirk appearing on his face. "Goddammit," he swore under his breath before making his way to her. "You were supposed to be asleep."

"What can I say, I'm young and full of energy— mph!"

She let out a surprised squeak when Joel's arms suddenly wrapped around her, one over her shoulders and the other, still holding the milk bottle, around her waist. No matter how many months they had already spent cuddled up in bed, his touch was something her brain still had to get used to. More specifically, how easily it all came to him. 

"Happy birthday, kiddo." 

The sentence quickly found its way into her heart, poking some distant feeling of warmth that she'd never imagined feeling so often. 

It also stirred something dark within her. Something rooted in fear, that could only blossom if offered a sacrifice of some sort. Something that she had yet to find words for. 

"You remembered." It came out sounding like a question, though with her words muffled and her mouth smushed against his chest, it didn't matter. 

" 'Course I remembered," he spoke into her hair, almost offended at the idea that it was something he was allowed to forget. He tightened his grip a little, Ellie's ribs nearly creaking from the pressure, but she wouldn't dare complain. Not with the warmth that had been spreading through her since they ran away from the Fireflies. 

Eventually, he let go and tousled her hair a bit, almost as if he didn't want to break the contact either—an unspoken gesture of pure love and adoration.

"Was gonna surprise you with a special breakfast," he continued and finally set down the bottle of milk. 

"Pancakes?" 

She didn't bother masking the excitement that bubbled within. Joel always said that he wasn't much of a cook and, for the most part, he was right. 

Ellie never had much in the form of home-cooked meals. Hell, if FEDRA could starve them all they would've. Thankfully, they needed puppets, and puppets needed to be kept alive. Sure they'd bend them and smack them against hot concrete in the summer like it was their God-given right, but as long as they stayed alive all was well. 

Safe to say that the Miller family dinners were an adjustment. Maria could work the hell out of potatoes. Baked, boiled, mashed, anything in the world so long as it found its way into Ellie's stomach. Tommy once made her a homemade sauce that was pretty much a necessity back in Texas. He had told her stories of family hangouts back then, the barbecues and pool parties of all kinds.

The stories were enough to make Ellie fall in love with any food that Tommy was willing to offer, almost like an acceptance letter of sorts. A glimpse into the hearts of both Miller brothers. A great honor, given that their emotions had been shoved away into a corner so dark even The Hole couldn't do it justice.

It made her feel like a part of this life that existed far before she took her first breath.

Joel's specialty was pancakes. Said he used to make them on weekends whenever the alarm actually managed to wake him. Every time Ellie asked for them he almost seemed taken aback by it, claiming that they "weren't anything special".

She couldn't care less if they were made from horse shit. They were soft and sweet, and Ellie had come to realize that she loved anything sweet. Even if they weren't all that, they were still made with Joel's hand. It felt almost intimate; like a deeper connection basking in a state of the once-existent normality that had since been dirtied by the world

"Out of flour," Joel sadly informed her. "Can you believe that shit? Today of all days..."

Ellie faked a frown and gestured at the ingredient-filled counter. "What's that for, then?"

"French toast. Figured it was the closest thing to it."

"What's French toast?" 

"Well, it's bread dunked in shit with some more shit on top."

Her frown deepened, though it was as fake as the expiration dates on most food cans nowadays. "Sounds delicious." 

Joel eyed her with an arched brow, his mouth set in that playful smirk that he and Tommy shared. "It's sweet."

Ellie's eyes quickly widened, the mock disappointment leaving her at once. "Well, shit, why didn't you open with that?"

She sat on the counter and watched him crack eggs and pour milk and sugar into a bowl, alongside some brown powder that she had never seen before. 

"What's that?"

"Goddamn gold, that's what it is."

She shot him a disapproving look, pressuring him to continue. Of course, because he always did, he caved in. "It's cinnamon," Joel explained. "It's a spice. Folks used to put it in pies and cider an' shit. Didn't think I'd ever see it again."

"Does it taste good?" 

He let out a chuckle, his shoulders more relaxed than Ellie had ever seen them be. Come to think of it, she hadn't seen him this happy...ever. And she'd seen him plenty happy these past few months. 

"In other things, sure, but not on its own. Shit, I think kids made up a whole game 'bout it. They dared each other to eat spoonfuls of the stuff."

Ellie's eyes lit up at that. She loved hearing stories about life before the outbreak, especially about kids her age. A few years ago, it sparked up a tiny beam of hope that maybe, if she copied those kids, her fate would somehow change. If she wrote in her journal and had slumber parties every weekend, then she wouldn't have to become a soldier. 

It was a stupid idea, but it stuck with her.

"I wanna do that!"

Joel's laugh became louder, his smile broadening more until it was fixed in place. "Absolutely not," he warned half-heartedly. "You'll make a mess. Plus I don' think it was safe. Could break your lungs or somethin'." 

"But it's safe to put in this?" She asked as he dunked a thick piece of bread into the slimy mixture.

It was a rhetorical question, mostly. Joel was just about the only person she trusted regarding safety. Yeah, he could go overboard sometimes, but never to a degree that she wouldn't understand. 

Instead of answering, Joel handed her a bowl of white liquid and a whisk. It was thicker than milk and smelled of...well, nothing really. "Give that a whisk, will ya?" He asked — not ordered — without taking his eyes off his 'project'.

Ellie did what she was told and stirred the liquid-like mass, going faster when Joel told her to, for about 30 seconds before her arm got tired. But she did what she was told, especially after he told her that it'd be "so worth it". 

"This is child labor," she complained while Joel laughed in her face.

"Keep goin'."

"But it's my birthday!" 

Joel shot her a nasty look, which made her realize just how effective that excuse could be. Oh yeah, she was gonna abuse the fuck out of it. 

Eventually, the liquid started to thicken before her very eyes like magic, which made her forget the burning sensation in her arm. 

"Holy shit, Joel!" She almost shouted in surprise. He offered a knowing smile and gently pried the bowl from her hands. "Told ya. Now go sit down, get your beauty rest."

"Oh, you're sooo funny." Her arm did hurt a little, but he didn't deserve to know that. Instead, Ellie obeyed and plopped herself behind the table, stealing more fruit from the cup than she ought to. Joel had to scold her once or twice about it, telling her to save it for breakfast but she didn't listen. 

It was her birthday. The world was made of her rules for today.

Since coming to Jackson, Ellie rarely found herself hungry anymore. Joel constantly pressured her to eat because she was 'too skinny' or whatever, which was bullshit. Her periods were pretty damn regular nowadays, which must've meant that she was getting more than enough food in her system. Certainly more than the kids that were still stuck in Boston. 

The smell enveloping the kitchen — warm and sweet beyond measure — genuinely made her hungry for once. Or maybe it was just excitement at the thought of trying something new; a special birthday breakfast, just for her. 

Ellie loved watching Joel cook. He was always so focused, almost stuck in a world of his own. Even when they were on the road, and all he had to do was heat up a can of beans or expired soup if they were so lucky. Now, as he flipped pieces of bread in a hot pan (in a functioning kitchen), he could afford to shoot her some playful glances over his shoulder as he did so. It was almost as if he was excited. 

"Gimme your plate."

Don't have to tell me twice.

When Joel returned it, the plate was almost invisible beneath three big pieces of warm, crispy bread, decorated with some of that cream that Ellie had to whip into existence. A pot of honey was placed before her, along with a shit ton of napkins.

"Go nuts, kid."

That was her cue. 

She didn't even bother reaching for the knife and merely stabbed the fork into the soft bread, taking a huge bite out of it in a way that usually got her scolded. Not today, though. She was fucking invincible.

The crispy exterior crunched under her teeth, giving way to a warm and soft center. The bread was soaked through with a sweet and rich custard, permeating every inch of the slice. She closed her eyes and savored the flavors dancing on her tongue. Holy shit.

Ellie's eyes darted toward Joel, who was looking mighty proud of himself, and stayed on him until she swallowed that first bite.

"Good?" The old man dared to ask. 

"Are you fucking kidding me?" 

His smile grew as he sat down in front of her, his plate still empty. "So, whaddaya say? Better than pancakes?"

"Dude, fuck pancakes! I just want this shit for the rest of my life!" 

"Oh good," he scoffed. "Was sick of makin' them anyway."

Ellie pointed the fork at him threateningly, her mouth full yet again. "Nuh-uh, I still want pancakes."

He clicked his tongue in a way that he only did when he was in a good mood. "Damn. And here I thought I was gettin' off easy."

"Keep dreaming, old man." 

Ellie had all but inhaled that breakfast within three minutes, which glued her to the couch, accepting it as her deathbed. As unnecessary as food could sometimes seem to her, it sure did bring some sort of comfort. Or maybe the warmth in her chest was just the barely-chewed pieces of toast fighting their way back up. 

That was exactly where Joel found her once he was finished cleaning the kitchen. "What do we have here?"

"Shut up," she groaned and buried her face into the cushions. "You killed me. Are you happy now?"

"Very. Now get up, we got a whole day ahead of us." 

Ellie's groans got louder, though there was no real truth behind any of them. "We do?"

"I mean unless you got any plans with those friends of yours that I should know about..."

"Oh." Right. Her friends. "I, uh, didn't tell them."

Joel furrowed his brows. "What? Why not?"

Short answer: she forgot. But the truth might've been darker than that. Not by much, but enough to make Joel worry if she had told him. Because, in truth, she didn't want anyone to know. A part of her even hoped that he would forget about it. 

'Cause why wouldn't he? 

FEDRA always forgot. And on the slight chance they didn't, it wasn't anything worth celebrating. 

"Oh great," they'd say. "You have any idea how many documents we're gonna have to update now?"

Riley forgot one time. Well, not technically. She wished her a happy birthday and all...but it was a week late. It wasn't her fault, she had snuck out a few days prior and just lost track of time. Probably. 

Ellie should have known that birthdays meant more to people with parents. Or to said parents. Joel even promised her a cake back when they went camping in the woods, and she saw how happy Dina was to celebrate her fifteenth just a few weeks prior. 

And she wanted to be excited, to wear those pointy hats that everyone wore in movies and blow out candles...but she couldn't come to terms with the fact that someone would even bother. 

In a way, Ellie was just excited that Joel was excited. That way her hopes didn't get too high for her own good. 

"I  just wanted something small, you know?" It was a lie, but it was better than anything else. "Makes me feel weird if other people know."

Joel froze again. "Weird how?" 

There were two types of Ellie weird. One: Colorado weird. It was that feeling she would sometimes get; like her soul was on fire, and she couldn't breathe. That was when David usually plagued her mind. Joel had explained to her that it was called a panic attack, but because she didn't want to just walk up to him and go 'Hey, I'm having a panic attack' she described it as Colorado weird. 

And two: Weird weird. That was also dedicated to emotions she couldn't process; though ones that wouldn't cause her to hyperventilate at the drop of a hat. A sickness bearing no name yet, or a constant reminder that something was always going to be wrong with her. Even if it wasn't trauma-related, there would always be something rotten within her. 

You're rotten, remember? Rotten children don't deserve heaven.

Joel usually just wrote it off as a headache. It was the most Ellie would let him believe. 

He worked on a specific system when it came to her. The shit he could protect her from (Colorado weird) and the shit he couldn't (weird weird). In his eyes, the second one was related to things that she just didn't want to talk about out of embarrassment, like periods and other puberty mumbo jumbo. 

In reality, weird weird was that voice that told her to pour bleach on her arm or jump off a roof. 

"I dunno," Ellie answered. "Just uncomfortable I guess." 

Joel breathed a sigh of relief, clearly relieved that it wasn't either of the 'Ellie weirds'. But his lips still formed a line, like he was the one uncomfortable.

"What?" she pushed.

"Alright, don't be mad..."

"What? What did you do?"

He invited Tommy and Maria. Of course, he did. It was so in character for him that Ellie couldn't believe she hadn't seen it coming. Though, judging by the grin splitting Tommy's face in two, it might have been out of Joel's control. Everyone was so fucking happy to see her. It was kinda creepy. 

Never in her fifteen years of living, had she considered receiving attention from three adults to be a good thing. It was a one-way ticket to the hole, or a week of starvation if she was lucky enough. 

Somehow, Ellie would've damn near preferred the hole to this. 

Ellie's stomach began twisting into itself, making her feel like she was gonna throw up, and not because of the French toast. It was one thing for Joel to make a fuss for her birthday. He had done this before; it was normal to him. Even if she wasn't used to it, at least she could hide behind the thought that she was making Joel happy.

What was it with these Millers and getting all sentimental over pointless shit? This might've been the most anyone had hugged in fucking forever. It was usually just Joel not all three of them. 

Maria got to her first, wrapping her arms around her and keeping her at arm's reach after she was done. Tommy's hug was more her style. Well, technically it was all she was used to. Before Joel, the only hugs Ellie received were from Riley on very rare occasions. But, since Joel and Tommy were relatively the same height, she managed to fit perfectly against both of them. 

"Wow, fifteen, huh?" Tommy smirked. "Feelin' old yet?"

"Oh you know, my back is killing me and my teeth are all fake but I'll manage." 

It all felt like a scene from a movie, which Ellie would've loved if all the attention hadn't been on her. Instead, it was making it quite hard to breathe. 

The air got thinner, though not threateningly. There was no fear now, even as her mind worked overtime to keep up with this reality that was once strictly in her head.
Now there was only love, followed by a haunting realization of 'Oh. So it was clear — what she's been wanting for so long. It was clear, people could see it. They could feel this need, rooted deep within her ribcage, to be held. A longing for a gentler hand once in a while. It was clear, they simply did not believe that she deserved it.'

Ellie swallowed the guilt that bubbled at the surface, wearing an awkward smile as everyone slowly made their way further into the house. 

She tried focusing on the grin gracing Joel's face, and how calm he seemed to be with his brother. Without realizing it, Ellie studied their body language, trying to figure out if she was also supposed to be as open with family. There were so many things she still hadn't told Tommy or Maria...or Joel. 

She was keeping secrets while they orchestrated a fucking birthday party for her out of the goodness of their hearts. 

"So," Tommy spoke up with a smile. "Since this is your first birthday in Jackson—"

First. That meant that there were more to come.

"—We wanted to make it extra special." 

He and Maria exchanged a look before handing her a big brown bag. Ellie had noticed the bag when they first entered the house but hadn't paid much mind to it (and most certainly hadn't made the connection that it could've been for her).

"Oh, no, you guys didn't need to do all this..."

"Don't be ridiculous. It's yours."

She hesitantly looked over at Joel to see if he'd object, but once he gave an assuring nod she took the bag, her hand jerking with how heavy it was. "Oh shit," she laughed. "What's in this?"

"I would also like to know the answer to that question," Joel chimed in, leaning against the wall and eyeing Tommy suspiciously.

The younger Miller rolled his eyes at his brother before answering, pride coating his tongue like honey.

"It's something that took a mighty effort to find. Now go on, open it."

Maria offered a big smile of her own and playfully rolled her eyes at both men. "He's feeling very proud of himself. Wouldn't stop bragging for days, I tell ya."

Ellie's delight rapidly grew into something far greater. The guilt that had been lingering in the back of her throat appeared to have vanished, leaving her with a childlike hopefulness. She carefully plopped the bag onto the coffee table in the living room and kneeled before it, carefully stealing a peek.

Inside the bag was a large square box, beautifully wrapped in vibrant green paper complete with a bow. The wrapping was so meticulously done that she hesitated to open it, but her excitement was too overwhelming to resist.

As she carefully untied the bow and peeled back the paper, her heart almost exploded. "What the fuck..." she gasped, voice barely above a whisper as her brain caught up with her heart. "Is that a fucking gaming console?!" 

Her eyes darted from one adult to the other before landing back on the bright PlayStation 3 title spread over the sleek black box. Up until now, Ellie had only read about these, believing that they were gone for good. Sure, she found some here and there, scratched and ruined beyond repair but it was enough to keep the dream alive. 

"How...how the hell did you find this?" 

"Turns out these weren't a priority when the world went to shit," Tommy explained. "I just hope it still works. Old thing's been through fuckin' war." 

Joel came over to check out Ellie's gift, before turning to his brother with a weird expression. "You're killing me over here, y'know that?" 

"First come first serve, brother."

Maria sat on the couch next to Ellie, letting the brothers have their fun. "What are you gonna play on there, Ellie?" 

"Oh. Uh..." Shit. She had been so excited to just have the thing, she hadn't even thought about using it. There must still be some games left in the world, right? Surely there must be something.

Maria, sensing her confusion, smirked and nodded at the bag that had since been abandoned on the floor. "You sure you checked everything in there?"

Ellie went straight to the bag and sure enough, inside were some games, each individually wrapped. The paper was gone within seconds, only this time she couldn't give a shit. Not with the sound of her blood rushing to her head from pure joy.

These were titles that she had been dreaming of playing since she was a fucking kid. Grand Theft Auto, Crash Bandicoot—

"Mortal Combat II?!" Ellie shrieked and held the game up like it was a gift from God. At this point, it might've been. Her jaw was on the floor, eyes glued to the case in her hands. It might've been a little banged up, but it didn't matter. "This is the best fucking game ever! How the fuck— where did you—"

Joel softly rested his hand on her shoulder and shook her out of it. "Breathe, honey."

"Sorry," she mumbled, still a little shaken up. "I...I don't know what to say."

Tommy's smile grew even more if that were possible, but there was also something else bubbling to the surface. An emotion that Ellie couldn't quite read yet. "You don' gotta say nothin'. It's your birthday." 

She was still beyond speechless but, above all else, she was grateful. So fucking grateful.

Maybe Joel wasn't that much of a dick for inviting them over after all. 

*

"You guys really used to play this?" Ellie asked once the whole family was gathered around the big table. Tommy had used her birthday as an excuse for them to spend some 'quality family time together', which she didn't mind in the slightest. Especially not when there were games involved.

Shockingly, Joel didn't seem to mind it either, which was a fucking first when it came to game nights. Apparently, UNO was a pretty popular game back when he and Tommy were kids, which made Ellie even more excited to play it.

"Oh, you have no idea," Tommy smirked and distributed six cards to each of them. Ellie mimicked what everyone else was doing and held up her cards in a line. Joel helped her adjust her fingers so that nobody could steal a peek at her cards but other than that she was left to her own devices. "Lives were ruined cos of this game."

"That's a bit dramatic, don't you think?" Maria asked but the brothers answered with a sharp "No!" in unison. 

Tommy shot his wife a look, dropping his voice in mock seriousness. "Trust me, I ain't one to hold grudges—"

Joel scoffed loud enough to shake the damn house, and Ellie couldn't help but chuckle. The dynamic between siblings had always intrigued her. Plus it was funny to see Joel behaving more...immaturely.

"—But the only time I had ever cut contact with my dear old brother was over this damn game."

Ellie turned to Joel, her eyes sparkling with amusement. "Seriously?"

Joel nodded. "Wouldn't look at me for three days."

She figured that they were only counting instances before the outbreak. Joel would often go on and on about how selfish Tommy was for leaving him to join the Fireflies. He never stated exactly how long they had been apart, but it must've been a while considering he didn't even know that his little brother got married. 

"Jesus," Maria joined in. "You two must've been a goddamn handful growing up."

"Oh no, we were well into our twenties." 

Ellie burst out laughing at Maria's look of utter dismay, and she caught Joel stifling his own chuckle out of the corner of her eye. "Remind me why we're playing this again?" The woman asked. 

Her husband merely turned and looked at Joel, his eyes burning holes somewhere only familiar to the brothers, before lowering his voice once more.

"Revenge." 

"Oh, is that what you wanna call it?" 

"What, you too good for it?" 

Joel's eyes narrowed a bit as they darted from Tommy to the little girl beside him, a huge grin plastered across her face. "Alright," he agreed. "You're on."

The game was a breeze for Ellie to follow, and she quickly got the hang of it. However, it became clear that this game truly was an excuse for the brothers to go at it. The rules were pretty straightforward...until they started changing them without so much as a warning.

"You can't use the yellow card without yellin' out the color!" Tommy argued. 

"Since when?" 

"Since you suddenly started havin' so many goddamn yellow cards!" 

While they bickered, Maria shot Ellie a lot of endearing looks, almost as if the two of them had made up their own language in the past fifteen minutes. "Hey knuckleheads," she interrupted. "You do realize that the kid is burying you both alive, right?"

"What?" Joel looked down at her, eyeing the few cards that she still held in her palm. "How'd you do that?"

Ellie shrugged. "Talent."

"Damn birthday luck is what it is," Tommy stated. 

"Oh, really? You call this luck?"
Without another word, Ellie dropped a +4 on him, basking in the power it offered. 
"And I'm changing the color to green." 

Tommy let out a deep breath through his nose while Joel ran a palm across his face.

"Joel, control your hellhound, will ya?"

"What makes you think I can?" 

Ellie proudly leaned against her chair. "You're all just pissy 'cause I'm gonna win!" 

"Are you now?" Joel teased and leaned back, trying to steal a peek at her cards. She shrieked and brought them close to her chest. "Hey, fuck you! That's cheating!" 

"Ain't cheating unless you get somethin' out of it, girl." 

"Uh-huh, and how's that going for you, grandpa? You have like twenty cards in your hand!" 

Joel raised his eyebrows and crossed his arms over his chest, trying and failing, to appear offended. Meanwhile, Tommy and his wife were just about dying from laughter. 

"Damn, girl!" He chuckled. "You really are a pocket-sized devil, ain't ya?"

Ellie couldn't stop smiling even if she tried. Back in Boston, that kind of teasing would've gotten her beaten for sure. A ruler against her open palms until they bled, alongside cleaning duty just for the hell of it. But here, she could joke around without thinking twice about it. Though maybe she should have thought her next words over a bit...

"Yeah well, no wonder everyone hit me!"

The words came so easily to her, almost like second nature. It was true, and that's what made it funny. 

Except nobody laughed but her. 

The whole world seemed to have fallen silent, even the birds outside had stopped their singing. The stage was hers now, but it felt as if every thought had been punched out of her. 

She glanced at Tommy first. His head was tilted ever so slightly, and his eyes - no longer bearing the spark they did a second ago - looked hollowed out. Maria was the same, wide-eyed and pale-faced. Her hand had come up to her face, almost as if she had wanted to cover her mouth but only made it halfway.

It was her eyes that flew to Joel first, not Ellie's. 

If Tommy, who found everything funny, found that disturbing...what the fuck was Joel gonna think? 

"What?" Ellie tried, still not understanding what was happening. "What'd I say?" 

"Ellie," Joel asked her name, his voice so tight and quiet it came out sounding like a threat. A silent, patient threat, but a threat nonetheless. It was because of it that she gathered up the courage to finally meet his eyes. 

He looked...weird. Usually, he was much easier to read but now Ellie was almost scared of him. There was nothing familiar about the way he looked at her. He looked like a clay mask of what frustration was supposed to be. Recognizable, but not quite right. 

It was the eyes that she couldn't read. They were sharp but glassy, like he was fighting back tears.

"Who hit you?" 

Oh, of course he was gonna read into that. It almost made Ellie giggle, had she not been scared enough to piss herself then and there. 

"I dunno. FEDRA, teachers...it's not a big deal, really." 
She dared to look around the room, hoping that they would realize just how silly they were being. When their expressions only got darker, she hurried to explain. 

"No, really, it's fine— it's whatever!" She laughed despite herself. "I mean," she gestured at Joel, hoping that her smile would calm him. "When we met I was expecting you to hit me too, so..."

"You what?"

Ah. So that didn't help. 

"Yeah, but you didn't so...problem solved, right?" 

Tommy and Maria looked at each other, almost as if searching for an excuse to ignore her. How did she manage to fuck up so badly? 

The next time she looked to Joel for some illusion of comfort, he was staring off into the distance, hands balled into fists with his jaw clenched. 

Ellie hated being vulnerable around people who weren't Joel. It made her feel weak, especially around Tommy and Maria. But she hated the idea that Joel didn't love her far, far more. 

Maria straightened her posture and rubbed her palms against her jeans, looking over at her husband who seemed just as uncomfortable as her. It was as if they had been speaking telepathically, and Ellie briefly wondered if all couples held that ability. 

"Well, I'm, uh gonna get something to drink. Tommy, you wanna give me a hand?"

"Yeah, yeah let's...let's do that."

Ellie watched them go, the knot in her stomach tight enough to make breathing difficult. Within seconds they were alone, their shoulders stiff once their brains got used to the uncomfortable silence. The air around them was growing increasingly thinner by the second, and she felt as though it would always be like this from now on. 

"You're mad," she accused, breaking the stiff silence because she couldn't stomach it any further.

"No. No, never— not at you." 

There was an edge to his voice that quickly made Ellie avert her gaze. It almost sounded like he was seconds away from either crying or hitting her. She wasn't a fan of either but was ready to endure both.

The silence was back, though this time Ellie didn't bother searching for a deeper understanding of the man beside her.

"It was a fucking joke..." she mumbled under her breath, more to herself than anyone else. Joel shut his eyes in a way that made him look like he was in pain; the way he did during winter, even after he had regained consciousness. For a moment, Ellie figured that he just wasn't going to talk to her.

"Ellie," he breathed, her name sounding like a slur coming from his mouth. He went quiet for a long, long time, clearly thinking over his next few words. She was ready for him to scream at her. To disown her and throw her back on the street where he found her, crying and shaking like a mean dog. 

"I don't want you in danger. Ever. You know that, right?"

The whiplash of his words, kinder than ever, sent her head spinning. She locked her gaze on her lap, avoiding his eyes at all costs, and shrugged. "You may have mentioned it once or twice."

She could've sworn that she heard a light chuckle from him, though wasn't sure what to make of it.

"Well, I mean it. And the idea of someone hurting you...it's not funny to me."

"I was kidding—"

"So FEDRA didn't hit you?" He followed up, his tone accusing. When she didn't answer right away he blew out a breath, his fingers massaging the bridge of his nose. "Did you really think that I would hit you?"

"Well, everyone did. Plus, you didn't even like me at first—"

"That ain't true."

"It felt like it."

Joel didn't fight her on that. 

"I know you won't hit me now," she added once the anger and frustration wore off. "So this doesn't have to be a whole...thing."

"Ellie, that— what they did wasn't right. You know that, right?"

"No shit, it's FEDRA! Why are you acting so surprised?"

He sighed, fingers tracing the metal around his wrist. "I guess I always hoped they wouldn't stoop so low. I mean..." he was beginning to lose his temper, but Ellie could sense just how badly he tried to keep it under control. "Hurting a kid? That's inexcusable."

"Not really," she shrugged and chuckled to herself again. "It's not like I didn't deserve it, I'm fucking annoying—"

Her words were cut short once Joel spun her chair around so that she was now facing him, and gripped her shoulders in a manner that made her certain he was gonna throw her to the ground. 

"Now you listen to me an' you listen good," he said with a hint of that oh-so-familiar Boston growl. "I don' give a shit what you did, broke, or stole. There is nothing that would ever make what they did okay. And it is not — hey, look at me."

He held her face and gently turned it until her eyes were locked on his. 

"It is not your fault."

Every shout, each manly voice raised too loud for her small ears, had somehow been drowned out by that one sentence. This, Ellie realized, was what she had always longed for. An adult who fucking gets it. 

She was plastered against him in seconds, her cheek smushed into his chest, yet she dug further. Every muscle in her body wanted to believe him, but believing him meant accepting that she had been neglected, abused, and wronged for fourteen years of her life. Meanwhile, there were men out there, who could've held her throughout all of it. Well, a man. 

"You don't know that," she argued, her voice muffled by the sheer force of the hug.

"Oh, yes I do. Because I know you." He pulled back enough to see her, tucking a long strand of hair behind her ear. "I know you're smart, funny, and so goddamn brave, Ellie. Braver than any of us. You've survived fifteen years of absolute hell, without letting it break you."

"Yeah, well," Ellie sniffled, gratitude like never before keeping her tears at bay. "So have you." 

"Well then, I reckon it was meant to be." 

*

There were fifteen candles on the cake, she'd counted twice. A cake that was somehow damn near as tall as her, surrounded by chocolate and fresh strawberries, with a beautiful swirly text on top.

Happy Birthday, Ellie.

With two L's, not just one like back in Boston. There was even a little heart in place of the dot above the i, which Ellie would've seen as tacky if it hadn't made her feel so goddamn special. 

"Wow, you really outdid yourself, brother." Tommy teased as Joel lit the last few candles. For the record, Ellie knew that he didn't make the cake, but she couldn't care less.

"Shut up, Tommy." Joel shot back before softening again and placing a gentle hand on her back. "Make a wish, baby." 

She looked at the tiny flames in front of her, remembering every lonely night that she had spent crying for the past fourteen years. Now she had her own room, with her own bed and a fucking roof over her head. She had a fucking family. A dad. What more was there to wish for?

Ellie blew out the candles with closed eyes and nothing particular in mind — just for this feeling to stay. When she reopened her eyes and saw the cheerful faces looking back at her, the tears she had previously kept to herself gushed out. 

The tears were usually for Joel's eyes only, but she figured she could make a small exception. Just for today. 

Although there was nothing but joy in her heart, a heavy palm squeezed her shoulder reassuringly and, without looking, Ellie knew it was Joel. It was always him. The only hand that had never left a bruise. Oh, she would know it without a soul. 

"Hey," he offered, concern evident in his tone. "What's wrong, kiddo? You don't like the cake?"

"No— it's not that, I just..." she sniffled and wiped her tears and snot with her forearm. "I didn't think I'd make it this long." 

Joel immediately pulled her close, and she went with ease, burying her face into his chest. His shirt had once again become a makeshift tissue to soak up her sorrows, though neither seemed to care. Not even about the fact that Tommy and Maria were standing right beside them. If it weren't for that, Ellie would've stayed in the hug forever, and he would have let her.

Instead, they had cake, which might've been just as good. 

"That man gives you any trouble 'bout that," Tommy said and gestured at the PlayStation. "You come get me and I'll get him sorted." 

Ellie smiled and gave him a thumbs-up, enjoying the sight of Joel squirming in the background. "Oh, I would love to see you try," he spat half-heartedly. 

"Can we set it up?" 

Joel shot her a look before turning toward his brother. "You see what you did?"

"Can't hear ya. I'm already out the door." 
He tousled Ellie's hair before making his way outside, his wife slowly but surely following — but not without giving her yet another hug. 

"Happy birthday sweetheart."

Her touch lingered for a second or two, and Ellie took a while to understand that was most likely due to all of her tears. Embarrassment overcame her instantly, but like her tears, it evaporated as soon as they walked out the door.

She shook her head free of any nasty thoughts and turned to face Joel with a mischievous look in her eye.

"So...can we set it up?"

He smirked. "Help me out in the kitchen, then we'll talk."

"But it's my birthday!"

"...You can't keep doing that, y'know?" 

"Yeah, yeah," she laughed. "Is it working, though?"

"No." There was a quick pause, which made her realize she had him right where she wanted him. "Maybe. Shut up."

For the record, he did go easy on her. All she had to do was hand him the dirty plates and glasses while he did all the work. They didn't speak but it wasn't out of any morbid reason. Truth be told, Ellie was pretty fucking exhausted. It made her feel good though — reminded her of the five-hour hikes through the woods.

"Hey," Joel caught her attention. "Did you know that the people with the most birthdays tend to live the longest?" 

She narrowed her eyes, thinking over his words until they clicked, making her roll her eyes. "Very funny."

"What? That was good!"

"It was okay at best."

"Oh yeah?" In one swift motion, he wet his palms with the dirty dishwater and splashed her with it. "That okay too?"

"Ew! You dick!" She pushed him back, causing him to stumble. "That is so not cool."

"You're laughing."

Well, that was true.

Minutes passed quickly and, before either of them could realize it, the sun had gone down. Joel let her have another slice of cake for dinner, under the condition that she brush her teeth extra well before heading to bed. It was a battle she couldn't win. 

She was sitting on her bed in her Pj's, a bit sooner than she liked, her fingers tracing the old paper in her hands. Another thing she always did for her birthday was re-read her mother's letter. She couldn't make sense of it, no matter how hard she tried. 

The last thing Anna Williams had to say before dying was that she hated babies and didn't like kids? Really?

Each year, Ellie figured that she would get it. That she had somehow matured enough to understand the weight of having to write something so meaningful to someone so...not. Sure, there were a shit ton of compliments and Joel-speech-type things about how life was worth living or whatever, but it didn't make a difference. 

Alongside those compliments and whatnot was also a promise that Marlene would take care of her. A promise that Ellie had recited to the woman while holding the barrel of a gun to her head. What a fucking joke—

"Whatcha got there?" Joel asked, suddenly appearing in the doorframe. 

She shrugged, briefly considering if it would be better to just lie and hide it from him. It would certainly be easier. 

"A letter. My mom gave it to me."

Joel's eyes widened though he tried to play it off. "Yeah?"

"It was before she died," Ellie explained. "Said that she hated kids and babies and that I shouldn't kill myself or whatever."

Joel frowned, his lips forming a line as he made his way to the edge of her bed. "Well, I highly doubt that a dying woman would say that about her child." He sat down and reached out a hand. "May I?"

She hesitated but eventually handed him the note. If there was anyone that could give her some sort of clarity on it, it would be Joel. 

He took the note as gently as possible, careful not to bend it in any way. Ellie chuckled when he had to bring it closer to read it better, but his face, a weird mix of confusion and sadness, shut her up. By the time he was finished, his features had softened, and he looked like he was going to cry again. 

"Oh, baby girl," he sighed. "This...this isn't hate. Not even close." 

"You're just reading into it..."

"No. No, I'm actually surprised you didn't read into it further." He looked at her with a tiny amount of pity that made her want to throw up. It quickly vanished though, as he looked at the letter again. "This is real special, kiddo. I mean, your momma really knew how to leave her mark didn't she?"

"I still don't get it though. Like, why leave a note if you're just gonna die?"

"It's a goodbye. A damn good one at that." Joel smiled to himself before turning to see her better. "Kids need shit like this. To know that someone, somewhere, cared for 'em like this...not every kid gets that. I reckon that's what she was tryin' to do here, don't you?"

It almost felt like the puzzle pieces were falling into place, and Ellie didn't know what to do with it. It was clear that parents had some sort of...connection to each other. She'd seen it with Joel and Maria. 
But if Joel understood her dead mother, whom he never even met, to such a degree...it might as well have been magic. 

Ellie took the note from him and placed it on her bedside table, unsure of what to do with herself. 
"Yeah. I guess."

He smiled and gently patted her knee. "Thank you for sharing it with me. Means a lot."

Ellie nodded and returned the smile, struggling to swallow the access saliva in her throat. There was a weird feeling in her gut, almost as if her mother had actually spoken to her. It wasn't bad, but she certainly wanted it gone. 

"Joel?"

"Mm?"

"Did you know that there's a dog in space?"

He blinked, clearly not expecting that question. But he recovered quickly, returning all his attention to her. "Uh, the Russian one, right?"

Ellie's eyes widened. "You know about that?" 

"Sure, I reckon pretty much everyone knows. Why?" 

She struggled for a few moments, hesitation choking back her words. She had already asked so much of him today — cried twice in his arms already.  He must've been sick of her by now. 

And yet, it was still her birthday. Her world. 

"They just, like, found her on the street one day. It was her home but she wasn't happy there, so they just—" she paused to mimic the motion of picking something up. "—And they took her to this random ass place, with random ass people, where she trained for fucking hours every day....and then she was shoved into a loud metal box, that was too fucking hot for her, and she died."  

"Alright...?" Joel was obviously a bit taken aback, but he nodded and patiently waited for her to continue. 

"I just...I dunno, I sometimes feel like that. Like I'm in a metal box just waiting to overheat or something." She bit her lower lip, knowing that her little speech probably wasn't making him feel any better. "But the view's great, though."

Joel chuckled, trying to piece her words together. "Is, um, is something making you feel like you're gonna...overheat?" 

She shrugged again, trying to act nonchalant. "Just people caring. I'm not used to it." Joel opened his mouth to probably protest, but she beat him to it. "I'm sorry I was a lot for you to deal with today. I'm just...still getting used to being in space." 

She watched his smile widen at the metaphor as he scooted closer to her. "C'mere." Ellie obeyed and leaned her head against his shoulder as he pressed her against him. "You're not a lot to deal with, baby. And I'm sorry that people made you feel like you were." 

She glanced up at him, noticing a familiar spark in his eye.

"...Is this still about the FEDRA thing?" 

Joel clenched his jaw at the mention of the group. "All I'm sayin' is, you give me a name and I'll go have a nice little chat with 'em."

Ellie laughed and leaned further into his embrace until memories started swarming her. 

"There was this one guy..." she started, and stopped the second Joel's eyes snapped to meet hers a little too fast. "His name was Marshall," she continued, unsure why. "He was the only guy that was ever nice to me in that shithole. Like he'd sometimes eat lunch with me and shit."

Joel's grip softened a little, and Ellie debated telling him anything else. 

"But then his—" she cut herself off with the speed of light. It probably wasn't the brightest idea to bring up dead daughters while Joel was already seconds away from murdering someone. "...wife died, and he changed. He was a real asshole for a while because of it, I think. He was the one who sent me to the hole for the first time."

"The what?" Joel asked, his grip on her shoulders tightening once more.

"It was kinda like a small closet, but made of concrete. They'd put you in there and lock the doors so that no light came in. You get used to it after a while but man, the shit I saw in the dark...fucking creepy man." 

Joel's grip suddenly tightened again, making Ellie squeak a bit as she studied his face, awaiting his response.

But he didn't say anything.

"You good?" 

"I'm sorry." His voice shook harder than it had in a while, sending shivers down her spine. 

"No, it's okay. He's fucking dead anyway so—"

"I should've been there," he mumbled, barely above a whisper. "I was in Boston for ten fucking years, I could've...I could've done something."

"Joel," she struggled to move herself into a more comfortable position, his grip unyielding. "You didn't know I existed."

"I know but..."

"Hey," she tried to get him to look at her. Surprisingly, it worked. "Stop it. My birthday, my rules asshole." 

Joel chuckled and pressed a long, lingering kiss to the crown of her head, some of the tension finally leaving him. "God, I can't wait until that doesn't work anymore."

"Yeah well, tough shit! I still got a few hours left."

He went quiet for a second before finally releasing her. "Wait here," he said and left the room. He returned a few seconds later, hands behind his back as he carefully made his way back to her. 

"Now, I know I'm a little late...and I know it ain't as extravagant as Tommy's but I made you a lil' somethin'."

Ellie's heart leaped with joy. "You got me a gift?"

"Alright, don't get your panties in a twist, it ain't nothin’ special. It's just...well, it made me think of you, is all." 

She adjusted her sitting position, looking up at him with big, green eyes. Was that what Christmas felt like?

"And you don't have to like it—"

"Joel," she whined, her patience growing thin. 

"Alright, alright." He slowly revealed his arms from behind his back and handed her a bright, yellow object. "Happy birthday, baby girl."

Ellie's heart skipped a beat, her eyes filling at the sight. It was a small, wooden sculpture in the shape of a giraffe. She could see every brushstroke, every hand-crafted detail fallen into place perfectly. 

"You made this?"

"Oh, you don't like it...I'll get you something better. There's gotta be something— whoa!"

Now it was her turn to cut him off. 

She all but threw herself at him, catapulting off the bed to hug him around the neck. Joel quickly caught her and placed a hand on her waist to keep them both from collapsing.

"I love it!" She squeaked. "I love it so much!" 

"You do?" The question sounded as if it had been punched out of him.

Ellie nodded and held him tighter, the giraffe never leaving her grip. They stayed like that for a long time, until she broke the silence again. "I love you."

They didn't get to say it often, but when they did it fucking mattered. 

"I love you too, Ellie," Joel whispered and pressed her as close to him as humanly possible. "More than you'll ever know."  

And they stayed like that, in their little spaceship. There was no denying the heat, slowly creeping up behind them, making itself known. 

But man.

You can't deny that view.

Chapter Text

Joel leaned against the bathtub, the cold tiles beneath him sending shivers through his nerves. He was supposed to be up in three hours, splashing cold water on his face to manage through the first hours of his shift. Instead, he was glued to the bathroom floor, one hand supporting his head while the other drew comforting circles into Ellie's back. 

He loved her — God, he did, but he'd be lying if he said all these late-night trips weren't exhausting. It wasn't her fault, and Joel would rather die before ever letting her believe that it was. However, it didn't hurt any less, watching her retch and spit into the toilet, gagging with the effort at 3 in the morning. 

The vomiting was new, having only stirred up a few nights ago. After Colorado, Ellie had woken up once or twice with the urge to vomit, but that may have been due to the 20-year-old canned peaches he had forced her to gobble down. This time, however, there was no denying the cause, and it broke his fucking heart. 

"Attagirl," he whispered, his neck bending at an odd angle to keep him upright as he fought off sleep. "That's it, let it out."

"Fuck off, Joel." 

The backtalk was also new. Well, not so much for Ellie as for the situation at hand. He couldn't quite put his finger on it yet. Usually, when he came to him in the middle of the night, she was scared and vulnerable — stuck in an almost childlike state. But now she was mean and sharp, quite literally biting the hand that fed her. 

Perhaps she was trying to act more 'grown-up' now that she was fifteen. It was certainly a weird way to do it but what would he know? He never had a fifteen-year-old daughter before.

In truth, the vomiting scared him more than he’d dare show. Girl was already skinny enough as it was, and her throwing out the few containments of her stomach nightly wasn’t gonna help that. 

He wondered briefly if this was his doing. Too much coddling, perhaps. But what else was there for him to do? Yell at her? Beat the nightmares outta her (as Ellie had once hauntingly suggested)?

Another pile of throw-ups hit the toilet before Ellie managed to straighten herself, carefully leaning against the sink beside her. 

“That it?” Joel asked, rubbing sleep from his eyes. 

Ellie glared at him for a few seconds, small arms wrapped around her midsection. 

“Sure.” 

He blew out a breath and maneuvered himself so that she was within arms reach, bringing a wet rag to her face to clean the remaining sick from the corners of her lips. 

She didn’t fight him, but it looked like she wanted to. 

Once he was done, Joel leaned back and studied her expression, figuring out what it was that she wanted from him. 

“Big bed?” he asked, eager to get some sleep.

Big bed was what they liked to call his bed, though hers wasn’t that different in size. It was easier to call it that, less Joel would have to admit that he still let a fifteen-year-old girl into his bed. 

Daughter or not, it couldn’t be healthy for her.

Ellie’s posture softened, the flame in her eyes slowly putting itself out bit by bit. She nodded and allowed him to help her to her feet.

Joel kept her there for a moment, heavy palms landing between frail shoulder blades, steadying her until he had filled up an entire glass of water, handing it to her as a silent plea. 

“Just a few sips,” he begged once she squirmed at the idea of putting anything else in her body. “Please.” 

Ellie reluctantly took the glass and chugged half of it before Joel pried it from her arms. 

“Slow down. You’ll make yourself sick again.”

”Do you want me to drink or not?” 

"Sips, girl. Don't chug the whole glass."

He didn’t have the energy to give her the fight she was so hungry for. Didn’t have the energy for much these days. 

“Get on with it then,” he said, nodding toward his bedroom and watching her slump her way to it. Joel stayed behind to refill the glass, but by the time he returned to his room, Ellie had already nestled herself deep inside the covers.

He placed the glass on the nightstand beside her, throwing her a knowing look before settling into his side of the bed, old bones creaking with exhaustion. 

“On or off?” 

It truly felt like he was 22 again, lulling Sarah to sleep on that last day of summer, assuring her that first grade wasn’t as scary as she had been making it out to be.

”Don’t care,” Ellie mumbled, barely conscious as if she hadn’t started shaking because the darkness of her room had been all-consuming just the night prior.

 Joel allowed her answer some room to breathe before accepting her silence as approval to turn off the light. He stole another glance at the clock, the blinking 3:17 making his head hurt. Christ, he needed a good night's sleep.

All of his exhaustion seemed to vanish the moment his head touched the pillow, with remorse and sadness picking his ribs clean. He heaved a long sigh, propelled up by his elbows and his eyes adjusting to Ellie's little figure snuggled at the edge of the bed.

"You need anythin' else?" 

She shook her head, not bothering to turn to him. Not for comfort, nor advice. What the fuck did this kid want from him?

They had been in Jackson for five months already. 152 nights and at least half of those were spent cuddled up with Ellie beside him.  

It was supposed to be a short-term thing, the sleepovers. Just until Ellie got settled was what Joel told himself…and Tommy.

His brother was the first one to be a bit…weirded out by their somewhat irregular sleeping arrangement. 

“I get that you two spent a lot of time together on the road and all...” his voice rang out. “I mean, sharin’ a bed with her? Really?”

Ellie shrugged, her shoulders rising beneath the covers. Her stillness, terrifying as it was, mesmerized Joel. How she managed to go from hyperventilating at his feet to shutting down completely in a matter of seconds was beyond him. 

And oh-so familiar. 

She was such a small thing, too small to possibly carry half the shit this world forced onto her. He knew she didn’t see it that way — saw the strain in her toes as she stretched far beyond her limit to appear taller. Older.

“Alright,” Joel gave in, smoothing her hair back to make room for a gentle kiss. “—Now, if you feel like you’re gonna be sick again, just go. Don’t stall and wait for it to go away.”

”Joel—“

”And just wake me up anytime, alright? Don’t feel like you gotta do it all alone just cos you’re a grown-up now—“

It was a weak attempt at a joke, trying to keep her mind as clear as possible so at least one of them could get a good night's rest.

”Joel,” she groaned, louder than either expected. “I’m really tired so, can we just…”

”Right. ‘Course, yeah.” 

Joel’s hand lingered above her head for a second or two before dropping, settling for the empty space between them where Ellie used to sleep. Recently she seemed light years away.

“Goodnight kiddo.”

The mattress bent beneath him as he lay beside her, carefully observing the back of her head despite the darkness of the room. 

Infected, FEDRA, hunters…nothing came close to how much that little girl scared him. 

With one final exhale into the dark, and an inhale of the scent of his pillow that always seemed to smell the same no matter how often he washed it, he closed his eyes. 

Exhausted and suddenly feeling as scared and confused as he did when he was fifteen, Joel knew that Ellie’s night visits were coming to an end. 

One way or another.

Mornings were easier, more often than not, clouded by the mist that some otherworldly force must’ve blown in. Not even the sun's rays could make their way through it, but they always touched some part of the world. 

That’s how Joel felt with Ellie nowadays. He only seemed to brighten up certain aspects of her, while the rest got drowned out by the teenage mood swings. 

It was good, in a way. Meant that she was growing; getting comfortable. It was how ‘normal’ kids used to act. Well…

Sarah never had much of a rebellious phase. At best she forced him to watch movies with half-naked sparkly vampires. Or was it werewolves? Shit, one of them certainly turned into a dog or somethin’.

He never cared for ‘em, but sometimes wondered if Ellie would agree. She’d probably think they were funny considering that Joel had yet to see her act boy crazy over anyone.

Maybe he’d look for some the next time he checked the pawn shop. 

Nevertheless, the sunrays did their job, bleeding through the curtains with no regard for the sleeping. 

The sun wasn’t the only thing that woke Joel up, though. Ellie was usually long gone by the time he woke up and, on the rare occasion she wasn’t, Joel soaked her presence like a gift from God. 

Floorboards creaked below her weight as she slowly tiptoed her way to the door. Joel never understood why she felt the need to do this, and he usually just let her be, but he just…couldn’t. There was this need to stall, perhaps postpone her leaving, as if it would be the last time he got the chance to.

”Hey.” 

Ellie froze in her tracks, standing rigid as a board while the sun played with her red head. 

“You sleep oka—“

”Yeah,” she interrupted. “Fine.”

Before Joel could say anything further, she had left the room, allowing him to languish in a strange combination of terror and desperation.

Jesus, this was going to be a long day. 

Despite getting up later than Ellie — and rightfully losing his spot in line for the bathroom — Joel still made it to the kitchen first. 

Throwing three pieces of bread into a buttered pan, he let them brown and crisp up while pouring himself a cup of coffee. It somehow tasted more powerful without the added whiskey, but the effect was barely there anymore. Though, maybe that was because he was old, and barely getting six hours of sleep.

And it fucking showed. 

Joel’s hand gripped the cup, almost like he wanted to squeeze the feeling of alcohol back into it. Moments like these, full of regret and desperation, were only reserved for the early mornings when Ellie was still asleep. Recently, he’d stopped paying attention as much, meaning he got caught more often. 

He never used to see himself as an impatient person, not before the outbreak, at least. If Sarah fell off her bike, he'd help her back up three...six...twelve times if necessary without thinking twice about it. When he had to fetch Tommy from the bar at an ungodly hour of the night, he didn't even break a sweat. Not even when he threw up all over his car and ugly cried to him about a girl who left him for a quarterback. 

Now though...shit, he'd love to think that he still had that in him. That he could comfort and reassure Ellie no matter what, but even she was starting to call bullshit on that. Maybe the nightmares were getting worse again. She didn't talk about them much anymore. Instead, she just showed up at the edge of his bed, snot running down her face as she shook before him. 

Panic attack after panic attack, it still seemed foreign to her. Her palms flailed around as she struggled to speak above a whisper, claiming that there was no air left on the planet. Joel had to resort to humming a fucking lullaby to her once and, as much as he wanted to deny it, the second that she was asleep beside him, he was creeped out by it.

Fuckin' hypocrite.

Ellie suddenly came rushing down the stairs, hair hastily put up as she all but sprinted to the door like a caged animal seeking an escape. It was as if he wasn't even there...

Joel whistled in her direction, halting her steps immediately. "Where are you off to in such a hurry?" He asked, already anticipating the answer. 

"The library," Ellie shrugged and reached for the doorknob again. 

"Nuh-uh. You're havin' breakfast first." 

"But—"

Joel silenced her by placing a plate in her usual spot at the table. "You wanna play this game right now?" he dared, putting his foot down in the gentlest manner he could muster. It was the only thing that got her to eat nowadays. Sure enough, Ellie bit her tongue and plopped herself in the seat with a glare. 

"Do it without the attitude next time," he warned half-heartedly and sat before her.

Her glare deepened before she turned her attention to the breakfast, grimacing. "Why's the bread burnt?" 

"You need dry food in your system. Can't risk you gettin' sicker."

She raised her head toward him with a stare so vile it could kill him. "I'm not sick." 

"You've been throwing up almost every night for the past few days."

"That's about something else."

"Yeah? Like what?" 

She scoffed, leaning back in her chair with crossed arms. "You fucking know what..."

"Well, now I ain't so sure no more. You know why?" He leaned closer, trying so hard to keep his voice gentle. "Because you don't tell me what your nightmares are about. And, given the...circumstances, I'm guessin' it's not gettin' any better now, is it?" 

The girl averted her gaze, swallowing hard. Joel sighed, wishing he could bury his head in the sand until he could be better. He hated existing in front of her. How dare he not get himself fixed before cradling her in his arms, surrounding her with every inch of his being. His entirety, the good and bad. How could he do that to her? She was just a kid.  

"Look," he softened his tone and put on a brave face. "Why don't you take a sick day just in case? We can watch a movie or somethin'." 

Ellie let out a breath, her shoulders relaxing slightly. "I'm not sick, Joel."

"I—" he paused, collecting the last bits and pieces of himself for her case yet again. "Jesus, kid, I worry okay? Can you let me have that?" 

Ellie's eyes sparkled like she couldn't believe what she was hearing. Like he hadn't dropped every principle that he had set in stone twenty years ago just for her. 

"Okay," he sighed, defeated. "Well...we got that dance tonight? You feelin' up for it?" It was probably for the best to change the topic before he dug himself an early grave. 

"Oh, I thought I was sick."

Joel exhaled deeply, trying to lock eyes with her in a feeble attempt to understand her thoughts. “We don’t have to go, y’know.” 

It was a soft offer, a reassurance that what she says goes. Though, the more he thought about it, the more he realized that he was pleading with her. Old hands coming together to send a prayer out the way he ought to.

His mother told him to always pray for others. Before every supper, she always bowed her head and prayed for whatever crisis was occurring at that time.

 It was all pretend, he knew it was. Once when he was a boy, she took him to the store with her. Joel watched as this woman — who made them bow their heads and choke down everything on their plates because “kids are starving in Africa” — refused to give a dollar to hungry orphans. 

“Those are Godless folks, Joel. Godless.”

But now, as he stared into the bright green eyes of a little girl, Godless by his mother’s standards, he had never felt such resentment toward the church. Every prayer was going to her now. Who could say that God wasn’t a fifteen-year-old girl, with freckles and a concerning scar across her eyebrow? And it would make sense given how in love she seemed with the universe. Obsessed with comets and shooting stars like they were childhood friends once, walking hand in hand with a tight grip until the Milky Way bled from her palm. 

Perhaps she was the one who sent that comet to Earth, wiping the dinosaurs from existence so they could belong only to her, taking the shapes of every star that had ever blinked. Everything beautiful belonged to her. And she could be so very cruel, exactly like God. But everything beautiful belonged to God first. It's why Sarah was with Him.

Ellie just nodded, taking a hesitant bite of toast. 

Swallowing the bite like it physically hurt, her eyes glossed over so that she appeared even smaller. "When..." she started, and Joel's heart leaped with hope. "When we got out of that hospital, you said that the cure wouldn't have worked. How did you know that?"

Panic seized his chest, spreading through clenched muscles until it pained him. "Where'd that come from?" 

She shrugged. 

"...Is this about your nightmares?"

"Oh my fucking—" Ellie swore and stood from the chair with enough force that she must've scraped the floor. Joel followed. "Hey— Ellie, wait. I'm sorry, alright? You're just...you're not givin' me much to work with here."

She turned around, her spine straightened like a predator waiting to strike. "I asked a fucking question!" she shrieked. "It's happening in my body, and I still don't know what the fuck it does!"

"You wanna look over the scans again?" He offered, exhaustion seeping through the cracks like blood through salt. " 'Cause we can do that, but I won't be able to answer anythin'— aside from the doctor's notes." 

"Well...can't we just ask him?" 

"Ellie—"

”What?” her voice snapped. “He’s here, and you said that they aren’t dangerous so why can’t we fucking ask him?” 

“You know damn well why,” Joel argued, his own voice raising like the first thunder in spring. “We don’t know these people. We can’t just ask ‘em shit like this.” 

Ellie huffed, turned on her heels, and marched her way to the door. Joel rushed after her and managed to grab hold of her wrist. 

Big mistake.

”Don’t fucking touch me!” 

He dropped his hand but kept his eyes on her, torn between pleading and shouting to make himself heard. Regret burned behind her eyes, Joel knew the look well enough by now, but she didn't utter a word; didn't even try apologizing. 

Joel pinched the bridge of his nose, brushing against the scar that had been there longer than either of his girls, trying to remind himself that — once again — this wasn't her fault. Wasn't his either, but that was a different story. 

"Alright— go."

It was better just to let her leave at this point; give her some time to cool off. There was little left for him to do anyway. 

The door closed more gently than expected, and he waited until the sound of Ellie's footsteps faded completely before exhaling a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. Work will keep her busy, he told himself as old bones carried him back to the kitchen. He glanced down at Ellie's plate, still full, with barely one bite taken out of the toast. 

Something broke in him then, and before he knew it, the plate was shattered into tiny pieces on the floor. Some of the bread had managed to roll under the counters, collecting dust the same way it would in Ellie's stomach, had she managed to stuff it down — not to mention keep it down.

Instead of cleaning up the mess, Joel sat in his chair, dropped his head, and formed fists with a white-knuckle grip, trying to keep the tears of both exhaustion and helplessness at bay.

They didn’t talk about it when she came back. The silence that Joel had initially expected at lunch had been replaced with Ellie’s excited rambling about the dance…weirdly enough. 

He had yet to determine whether he was allowed to feel suspicious about his girl’s enthusiasm. God knows she loved to hold grudges. 

“—And then Esther said that she went to a bunch of dances before the Outbreak— and there were, like, themes and shit— and she went as Princess Leia! Isn’t that awesome???” 

She was talking so fast that specks of spinach and potato flew from her mouth, but Joel was so relieved that she was actually eating that he didn’t bother saying anything. 

“You wanna do that?” he offered, still treading carefully just in case. “Reckon your hair’s long enough for pigtails.”

”She wears space buns, Joel,” Ellie pointed out half-heartedly. “Get it? Cause they’re in space.” 

Joel chuckled to himself. “Right. My mistake.” 

Ellie smiled and leaned back in her chair, eyeing him suspiciously. “Well, if I’m Leia you’re Darth Vader.”

”Oh, I’m the bad guy now?”

“I mean…you got the voice down well enough.” 

With that, she dropped her voice in an attempt to sound more like him, while also muffling it with her hands. 

“Ellie,” she copied Darth Vader’s voice and gave him a poor Texan accent to mimic his own. “Quit running around so damn much!”

“I don’t sound like that!” 

“Yeah, you do, motherfucker! You sound exactly like that!” 

“Well, if you’d stay still for more than three seconds, I wouldn’t have to.” 

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” 

The excitement must’ve been wearing off, judging by the way Ellie leaned back in her chair, practically sprawled across it as if it were a bed. Joel didn’t want to lose that part of her again. Not so soon.

”So what do you say?” 

Ellie tilted her chin in his direction with a weird look on her face. “Hm?” 

“Your hair,” he explained. “You wanna do that?” 

She shrugged, fixing her bangs as if suddenly conscious of the fact that she had any hair to begin with. "I dunno. Doesn't really matter."

Joel did everything in his power to not make a face at her words. He was so close, practically had her tucked in the palm of his hand, yet so far away that he couldn't save her from drowning. Instead, he smiled and awkwardly tapped his knuckles against the table like the darkness of the thought wasn't blinding him. 

"If you change your mind I'm here."

I'm here. I'm here. I'm here. 

See me. Hear me. Please know that I'm here. 

A nod was all she gave him. Her lips formed a line, her eyes downcast, fingers pulling at the seams of her jeans like the conversation wasn't worth her while anymore.  

"Okay." 

Joel shut his eyes once Ellie walked away from the table, just in case his composure cracked. The last thing she needed was to glue him back together with her bare hands. 

Before she managed to make her way upstairs, he leaned back in his chair and called out to her—a final act of desperation.

"You, uh," he cleared his throat, embarrassed by the crack that had slipped between the words. "You wanna play guitar later? I could show you a new song..."

Please.

“Uh…can we do it tomorrow? I’m kinda tired.” 

Well, there goes the last good idea Joel could still muster. 

“Sure thing.” 

*

If growing up in the church had taught Joel anything, it was to fear the unknown. Anything that the scripture couldn't allow, forbid, or explain, scared the shit out of people. 

But fearing the unknown, meant fearing God.

Fear much too similar to that had been blurring his vision all day; spoiling his insides until they reeked. Maybe religion wasn't the source of this fear, as Ellie's silence was more chilling than any sermon preached from the pulpit.

Quiet. That was a better word for it.

Joel could barely hear any movement from her room, making him wonder if she was even awake. The whole world seemed to stand still without her constant blabbering and running around with enough speed to put lightning to shame. 

The setting sun didn't help that argument as it crisped the air, easing the tension from everything until the only sound that remained was the gentle whisper of crickets in the distance. There was beauty in the silence, sure, but Joel couldn't quite keep his hands still for much longer so he sat on the porch, fingers strumming a comforting tune on his guitar as he watched the sky bleed out.

He could feel her before he heard her, and before long a head of auburn poked through the door. "Can you do my hair?" 

Joel took his time to study Ellie's appearance carefully. In all this time he'd known the girl, she had never put this much effort into her outfit. She was wearing a grey T-shirt, maybe twice her size so the sleeves almost reached her elbows, with a Star Wars graphic on it that he had gotten her from the lost and found pile a few days after her birthday. 

Since that day, she barely put it on so that it would 'last her longer'. Though judging by the squeaks of pure happiness that he'd received upon giving it to her, Joel already knew that pact was nowhere near set in stone. However, pairing the shirt with her one good pair of jeans (that had somehow miraculously survived without a single tear after months of being in her care) did spark some questions. 

"Depends," he smirked, trying to hide the joy her request brought him. "You got the money for it?"

"I got a coin that looks like a fossil."

Joel sucked in a breath through his teeth, leaning the guitar against the wall. “You drive a hard bargain, but I reckon I could do that."

Ellie rolled her eyes and returned the smile. Since their camping trip a few months back, she had asked him for help with her hair a couple of times, each one making his heart melt within seconds.

It wasn't that she couldn't do it herself, but Joel figured it was another thing she never had as a little girl and was now making up for. 

Far as he was concerned it didn't matter why she asked for it, so long as she did. 

They made their way to the living room and he sat down on the arm of the couch while Ellie stood between his knees, already handing him the hair tie. Sticking it between his teeth, Joel gently combed his fingers through her hair until it was mostly out of her face. "So, what'll it be, miss?"

He knew she thought it was funny when he talked to her like she was a fully-grown adult at a bar. Now he could only hope it would do something. 

When all she did was shrug, he continued.

”Well, seein’ as you already got the proper attire, we could do that Princess Leia look you were talking ‘bout this morning.” 

She was quiet for a few moments too long and the sight made Joel worry even more. It reminded him way too much of Colorado, and how quiet she got. Back then, he had to fight tooth and nail to get a word out of her without either of them breaking down. 

Thankfully, they weren’t at that level yet, but it failed to provide any sort of comfort regardless. 

“Ellie,” he gently called out, taking the hair tie out of his mouth so his words could echo through whatever hole his kid had crawled into this time. 

Ellie flinched ever so slightly and cleared her throat, seemingly caught off guard a bit too much for either of their likings. 

“Oh, um, a braid’s fine too…”

The inside of Joel’s cheeks must’ve been hollowed out completely from the times he had bit down to avoid commenting on Ellie’s state. That didn’t stop him from taking another bite just in case. 

He stuck the hair tie between his teeth again and got to work, gently sectioning and wrapping her hair in a braid. 

“So, who are you trying to impress with all this?” he teased in an attempt to coax a laugh out of her. 

“What? Nobody!” 

The defensiveness in her tone caught Joel off guard, almost making him drop her hair. He truly hadn’t given the joke so much as a second thought and just wanted to make her laugh but…shit, was there someone?

His first instinct was to laugh at the idea, given how he hadn’t seen her so much as look at a boy who wasn’t Jesse. Was it Jesse? Surely not. 

Even if it was, Ellie was still way too young for any of that—

Except she wasn’t. 

Ellie wasn’t some fragile little ten-year-old girl who played with dolls and only knew about love from Disney movies. She was fifteen—a teenager for Christ’s sake! 

It hadn’t even been a whole year since he got her and, as selfish as it was, Joel thought he had more time. 

“Wait— who are you trying to impress?”

There were probably a million other ways for him to approach this but twenty years was a long fucking time, and his whole being had rusted at the edges. He didn’t have the fucking words for this. 

Ellie squirmed under his gaze which was undeniably drilling holes in the back of her neck. “No one! Jesus.” 

“Alright— alright— didn’t mean to pry…” he mumbled and turned his attention back to braiding her hair. “But it’s okay if you are, you know…”

Ellie’s head snapped as far as he’d let her with his fingers still buried in her hair. “Are you done yet?” 

Joel smiled and playfully tugged on her finished braid, easing an annoyed yelp from the girl. “Alright, smartass, take a look. See if it’s up to your standards.” 

“Yeah, yeah…” the girl mumbled and practically ran off to the bathroom, surprisingly more calm than before. 

His smile faltered the second she was out of sight. Bringing his eyebrows together in a mix of concern and confusion, his mind ran marathons to try and keep up with everything. 

Was there a boy? Was that why she was acting so strange? 

The more he considered it, the less he wanted to know.

She returned to him with a cocky smirk, throwing herself on the couch next to him. "You're, like, freakishly good at this."

Joel tipped an invisible hat to her, exaggerating his already thick southern drawl. "Glad to be of service, ma'am."

Swallowing hard, Ellie looked away from him and turned her attention to her lap, as if his gaze physically hurt her.

"Hey," Talk to her. Make her laugh, at least. ”You ever been fishing?” 

Seriously? 

“What, like, what we did on the road?” 

Joel smiled at the memory of them mindlessly stabbing water with a knife or sharp sticks in hopes of catching fish. It rarely worked and probably wasn’t anything worth smiling about back then, but he couldn’t help himself. 

“No, I mean proper fishing. Y’know with a fishing rod and whatnot.”

“Oh, then fuck no.”

There she is.

He should have known that all his girl needed to feel at ease was a good story, most often at his expense. 

“You know…” he continued, desperate to keep her in entertained. “My dad used to take me fishing when I was a kid.” 

Ellie’s eyes went wide and before he knew it she had squirmed into a sitting position like a puppy begging for a treat. 

“Really?” 

Success.

“Yeah, I mean, Tommy never cared for it so he figured he had to take one of us. Wasn’t half-bad, actually.” 

She nodded along to his every word like he was sharing the secrets of the universe or something. 

“What was he like?” 

Of course that was the first thing she’d ask. 

“Uh…” Joel blew out a breath, his hands drumming on the outside of his jeans as he tried to think. “He was…quiet.” 

Ellie snickered. “Oh, so that’s where you get it from?” 

He tilted his head to the side, shooting her a warning glare while struggling to fight off a smile of his own. 

She backed off with a smirk, throwing her hands up in mock surrender. “Okay, okay. I guess it’s a Joel thing then.” 

With a roll of his eyes, Joel stood from the couch and retreated to the kitchen to pour himself a glass of water. 

Shockingly, Ellie beat him to it. She sprinted out in front of him and put herself between him and the kitchen sink. 

“Wait, I wanna hear more!” 

Joel twirled the empty glass in his hand before reaching past her shoulder to open the faucet like she wasn’t making it very inconvenient.

”There’s not much more to say, really.”

”What was his name?” 

Joel moved past her to give himself some personal space. That didn’t last long, since his kid didn’t really understand the concept very well, and was glued to his side again within seconds. 

He looked down at her, regretting it immediately. 

She was giving him the biggest puppy eyes he’d seen in a minute, tilting her head to the side which meant that, whatever came out of her mouth next, he couldn’t say no to.

”Pleaseee, Joel.” 

Oh God damn it. 

“His name was Don. There, happy?” 

Ellie's smile grew, this time staying put—by the seeming grace of God. "Don..." she echoed the name, testing the feel of it on her tongue. "Were you close?" 

"Uh..." shit. He hadn't thought about his folks in years. The last time he did, it was to wonder whether they suffered—prayed that, against all odds, they went peacefully. There was no use imagining the fear they must've felt, watching their skin turn a sickly shade of grey as they succumbed to the bite. No...no, Joel liked to imagine they just fell asleep and never woke up. Never even saw the end of the world. 

"Not so much toward the end, but—"

"Why not?" 

Jesus, this kid.

"Many reasons. Now whaddya say we get goin'? Reckon Tommy's probably waiting already..."

"No, wait, why weren't you close?" Ellie pressed on, her smile faltering once again. The spark in her eye died down slowly, replacing it with a look of such disappointment it nearly brought him to his knees. 

Joel paused, downing half of his glass as fast as possible before turning back to her. "Well...wasn't really his fault, if I'm bein' honest. Yeah, my ma, she never really...approved of what I was doin' with my life. She was the one who stopped calling. Guess dad just followed her lead."

"Oh." His girl wrinkled her nose, getting lost in thought for a few moments. "What was her name?"

He let out a breath, trying to stifle the headache that this conversation was so clearly egging on. "Mary— look, Ellie— I don't feel like rehashing all this right now." 

She pursed her lips into a line, her face bearing the same disappointment it had been for the last few days. "Right," she spoke. " 'Course you don't." 

Ouch.

Joel ran a palm over his face. No wonder she doesn't fucking talk to you! Fucking asshole. 

"Ellie..."

"It's fine, let's just go."

Way to go you piece of shit. Can't even be decent to your fucking kid, can you?

*

"It's very...bright," Ellie commented as they took in the sight of the dining hall.

The walls, once dull and peeling, were now adorned with colorful streamers and string lights. Joel helped put those up. The wooden floors, which used to creak with every step, were now polished and gleaming.

The old long tables that lined the room had been pushed to the side, making space for a makeshift dance floor in the center. The residents had brought out their old record players and speakers, adding to the nostalgic ambiance of the room.

"Yeah, I think Tommy may have gone overboard with the lights," Joel chuckled and looked down at her. Ellie's eyes were scanning every inch of the room, hardening with undeniable panic. It almost reminded him of Sarah's first day of school. "You good?"

"There's a lot of people." 

The place wasn't exactly bustling. Ellie avoided the dining hall due to the crowds, but Joel, having been there before, was well aware of how noisy and hectic it could be. Her paranoia had calmed down a bit since their first day in Jackson, though it always seemed to surface back up after a nightmare, so Joel knew they weren't in the clear yet.

"Just say the word and we're outta here, okay?" 

"I'm fine, Joel. Plus, you guys put a lot of work into this." 

Wasn't so much work as it was climbing ladders and gluing lights to the ceiling but alright. Nonetheless, Joel made a mental note to keep an eye on her just in case, knowing that she had a knack for masking her misery with an Oscar-winning act. 

"Well, if you start feelin' off—"

"Are you gonna drink tonight?" 

That sent his head spinning. It shouldn't have, at least not with how observant Ellie had always been, but it still did.

There was an excuse forming at the back of his throat; a promise that he was going to be better sitting comfortably on his tongue, knowing it was all bullshit. 

Ellie just looked at him, judgment sparkling behind her eyes as if she could see straight through him. Jesus, did her immunity come with fucking x-ray vision too? 

A loud voice suddenly boomed from across the room. "Well, look what the cat dragged in!" It was Tommy, making his way to them with outstretched arms and an empty glass secured within his grasp. 

The tension between Joel and Ellie dissipated instantly as they exchanged a wide-eyed glance, struggling to contain their laughter at the sight of Tommy wearing a goddamn cowboy hat. It was the closest they had gotten to a genuine connection in days.

"What in God's name are you wearin', boy?"

Tommy didn't laugh. Instead, he simply cocked the empty glass in Joel's direction. "Y'know what, I'm not even gonna bother with you tonight." 

Joel forced a smirk, but something about his brother's tone let him know that he wasn't joking. Especially not with how quickly his attention was on Ellie instead of him. 

"How you doin' kid?"

Ellie shrugged, still holding back a chuckle. "Better than you, I guess."

"Oh, would you look at that Joel, you got yourself a comedian." With that, Tommy took off his ridiculously tacky hat, settling it atop Ellie's head instead. "There. Knew we could make a cowgirl outta you, girl!"

She scoffed and tilted the hat until it wasn't covering her eyes anymore. "Fuck you too, dude." 

Joel watched their dynamic closely, fighting off every bit of jealousy that threatened to tear his stomach apart. The smile on his kid's face brought him enough peace to make him collapse to the ground with relief. But the sheer disappointment that, after all this time, it wasn't him who put that grin on her face, kept him upright. 

Fucking Tommy, always stealing his thunder like a...well, like an uncle. 

"—Joel," Ellie's voice jolted him out of his reverie, the intensity in her tone indicating that she had probably been calling out to him for some time. "Can I go? I think I saw Dina over there."

Great. His kid can't even spare five minutes with him anymore.

It was an overreaction on his part — the thought that she was purposefully avoiding him. But he swallowed those feelings as well, locking them into a tiny box that only she knew how to open. 

"Uh, yeah, sure. But if you need anythin'..." Before he could complete his sentence, Ellie swiftly returned the hat to Tommy and vanished into the bustling crowd. It was as if she was taking a daring leap, severing her only lifeline before touching the ground. "...I'm here."

The second that she was out of sight, Tommy looked him up and down, his eyebrows raised. 

"The hell d'you do?"

"What?"

"Don't 'what' me. I jus' saw your kid practically run away from you so...out with it." 

Joel had his turn now, observing his brother with eyes that darted from the empty glass to the furrows on his forehead that he was positive weren't there the day before. "You really wanna do this right now?"

"Shit, maybe. Been a slow night." 

"Somehow I doubt that." 

With a sneer, Tommy leaned on the table behind him, swaying a little too much considering the early hour. Either he was already wasted, or Joel just wasn't used to the lack of liquor in his system. Neither was good. 

"So," his brother sighed, settling in his spot more comfortably. "What's goin' on?"

Joel sighed. "She ain't doin' good. Except she don't wanna talk about it."

"Huh," Tommy grunted. "Wonder where she learned that from." 

Oh, the fucking balls on this guy—

Joel's eyes snapped to meet Tommy's, more concerned than genuinely annoyed. "How many have you had?"

"Too many," Maria's voice suddenly confirmed as she approached her husband from behind and took the empty glass from his hand. 

That little bit of information did absolutely nothing to ease the tension on Joel's shoulders. His brother rarely drank, but when he did his pain burned stronger than the whiskey itself. Must've been something in the Miller blood.

"I can handle a goddamn drink..." Tommy mumbled, words stretching and slurring. 

Clearly.

Joel ignored the couple and returned his attention to the crowd, hoping to catch sight of his little girl—anything to keep him grounded. 

He spotted Jesse first, meaning Ellie probably wasn't far. Sure enough, the second his eyes landed on her, he was breathing easier again. She was laughing; rolling her eyes at her friend's words the way she did whenever he told her to do the dishes. It was familiar enough to make a grown man grin. 

But what wasn't familiar was a kid approaching them as if they were best friends—a kid Joel had never seen before. He looked older, maybe even older than Jesse, and his head was shaved into a buzz cut. The two boys clasped hands before Jesse moved enough to let Dina get a word in as well. 

Okay, Joel thought. If he's their friend he can't be that bad.

The notion didn't help much, especially as the boy moved in closer to Ellie—far too close for Joel's liking—and muttered something to her. He could feel a nervous tingle at the base of his skull, his jaw aching with how tightly it was set. 

Was this the boy?

"You alright there?" Maria asked, keeping one hand on Tommy's shoulder just in case he stumbled again. When all Joel did was grunt in response, she followed his eyes and formed her lips into a thin line. "Oh."

Oh? Why oh?

Tommy snorted, apparently present enough to make the connection as well. "Shit, you got your shotgun ready yet?"

"Shut up, Tommy." 

That's not what's happening...right? She's— they're not—

"Hey," Maria nudged his shoulder with her palm, a hint of a smile in her voice. "Why don't you get some water for your asshole of a brother over here?"

"I'm right here, woman!" 

Joel knew what she was doing. It was her way of saying 'Give the kid some space'. Wasn't a bad tactic, to be honest. Still, he couldn't manage to take his eyes off her for more than a second. Maria noticed. 

"She'll be fine, Joel. Now help me out, will ya?"

He looked at her, restraining himself from rolling his eyes at the way she was grinning. "C'mon, I ain't that bad." 

His brother laughed, though it sounded more like a shriek. "Like hell you ain't!"  

Joel glared at him before returning his attention to Maria. "He seems fine to me."

"Joel," she asked his name again, gently pleading with him. Of course, he caved. "Alright, you just...keep him steady for a bit."

"Oh, fuck you too, brother." 

Joel navigated his way to the table in the corner of the hall, squeezing past residents without offering a greeting to any of them. How fucking convenient that the only place he could get any beverages was so far out of sight that he couldn't see the dance floor anymore. Or, better yet, couldn't see Ellie. What she was doing, who she was talking to... 

Goddamn Maria and her all-knowing fucking grin. 

She knew exactly what was going through his mind right now. All parents did, probably. Sure, a lot of them pretended that they didn't care, or that their kids growing up on them wasn't the scariest thing in the world. 

He needed to get his act together before scaring Ellie away with his idiotic fucking desire to have everything under control. She probably wouldn't even understand why it was such a big deal to him. That girl could break every bone in her body, miraculously survive, and still not get why he was freaking out about it. 

Not that he blamed her but shit. 

He grabbed a cup of water from the table with the speed of light just to avoid looking anyone in the eye. Ever since his fight with Eric, people started whispering around him. They didn't trust him, so he wouldn't trust them. Simple as that. 

These were Tommy's folks, who had spent years basking in the safety of Jackson because of him. They didn't see Joel as a concerned father, trying to watch out for his kid every step of the way. No, to them he was just the guy who punched the town doctor. A brother, who didn't bother reaching out. That's all he was to them.

Late at night, usually with Ellie twisted beside him, Joel often thought that's all he was to himself as well. 

A killer. 
A violent drunk. 
A man who buried his kid and didn't care enough to realize his little brother had gotten married. 

God's strongest soldier, and His biggest regret.

Tommy and Maria were nowhere to be seen by the time Joel returned. Nobody was ever where he needed them to be. With a heavy sigh, he placed the cup of water on the table behind him and redirected his attention to the dancing crowd.

The music had slowed down, and so did the people as they slowly swayed from side to side, locked in the arms of someone they loved. Joel figured that's where the married couple probably ran off to, but as his eyes scanned everyone's faces, none seemed familiar. 

He spotted Jesse and Dina somewhere in the middle, shooting lovey-dovey glances at each other. No sign of Ellie though. 

Joel's eyes ran from one corner of the building to the other, trying to spot his kid somewhere—anywhere. The song picked up again, the people began twirling around, quickening their steps. It was a familiar tune that he couldn't remember the name of for the life of him.  

Leaning back against the same table that Tommy had previously slumped against, Joel waited for nothing in particular. Maybe Ellie would turn up seeking him out of the blue.

Instead, God — or whatever seemed to hold such a strong grudge against him — decided to play yet another joke on him.  Within seconds, a voice, too familiar for comfort, pierced through the haze of some country song blasting in the background. 

"Evening..."

Oh, for crying out loud!

To be fair, Eric didn't seem thrilled to be there either, alternating his weight between his feet to create some distance between them. The two of them hadn't spoken since everything went down all those months ago. His timing was almost comical, and Joel would've laughed if it didn't feel like a sick joke on his part. 

His discomfort must've been evident because the doctor quickly stumbled into an awkward rambling of sorts. "I'm not trying to cause any trouble. Swear."

Joel blew out a breath, shutting his eyes for a moment. "Is this gonna be a whole thing?" he asked. " 'Cause if so, I do not have the energy for it."

"What? No, no, I'm not...that's...look," he paused as well, collecting himself. "I know I'm probably the last person you want to talk to right now..."

Understatement of the century. 

"...I just...I wanted to thank you. —For what you did on patrol, with my son it...he said it was the only patrol where he actually learned something. So thank you." 

Well, shit. 

That, in some way, accomplished more than any apology could. As much as he wanted to deny the pride blossoming in his chest, Joel felt somewhat comforted by the doctor's words. 

The tense silence didn't perish, but it proved itself easy enough to stomach. 

"Well, I'll get out your hair, then."

"They need to learn somethin' out there," Joel spoke up before the doctor could leave. "Those patrols...they ain't doin' right by anyone."

"You're telling me," Eric rolled his eyes and leaned against the table, maintaining a somewhat safe distance.

Joel cocked an eyebrow. 

"So you know the whole thing's bullshit?" 

"Of course I do! I'll bet most of the kids do too."

"Then why? "

A knowing smile spread through Eric's face, though it was quickly masked by a clear sign of frustration. "Kathleen Matthews." 

"That name supposed to mean somethin' to me?" 

"She's on the council. It was her idea to have people scout areas before the kids got there. I heard you've already met her son."

Joel furrowed his brows. The only kids he met outside of his daughter's friend group were from patrol—

Jesus fucking Christ.

"That Tyler kid?" 

The name left his tongue like a slur, disgusted at the mere memory of that devil of a child.

"The very same. Little shit should've broken his damn neck instead of his ankle..." Dr. Chang trailed off, seemingly caught off guard by his own words. "—Don't spread that around. I swear, I don't wish harm on anyone but..."

"No, I get it. One hour with him and I wanted to tear his damn head off." 

Eric breathed a sigh of relief, taking a sip of his drink with a satisfied smile. "Y'know he refused to let me take a look at his leg when he came back? No, he wanted that Anderson guy. Jesus."

Joel scoffed. "Should've cut his leg off just for that." 

They laughed, suddenly feeling more like distant friends than neighbors who avoided each other.

"I saw him being nasty to Jesse," he added carefully. Nasty didn't feel like the right word, but he didn't want to risk using a worse one just yet. "That happens a lot?"

The doc let out a heavy breath through his nose, massaging the wrinkles on his forehead. "Racist little—" Eric cut himself off, using the word Joel had been afraid to place before. "Jesse handles it better than any of us, I think. I mean, he's too good for it, and I'm not just saying that but...I don't know. Can't believe that's what survived a goddamn apocalypse, y'know?"

He nodded, eyes downcast for a moment or two. "And you still listen to his momma 'bout patrols?"

"Oh, no we tried to protest— half the town did. But then she went on about how we want our kids to die out there, and it scared some folks. I mean, you know how it is, having a kid in a world like this. Makes you paranoid. But if we protested her idea of patrol we were 'terrible parents'."

"That's bullshit."

"Yeah. It really fucking is." 

They slipped back into a comfortable-ish silence, watching the people dance to a louder, faster song. 

Still no sign of Ellie. 

"Hey," Eric cleared his throat again, his voice carefully calculated. "I really don't mean to pry but..." he looked at him, and Joel could hear the question before it was uttered, twisting itself around his ribcage. "What happened to her arm?" 

He shut his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose again. "Doc..."

"I know, I know. I'm not trying to stir anything up, I promise. But come on, I feel like I'm owed that much."

The idea that the man who tried to keep his kid away from him was owed anything was enough to send Joel's head spinning. That being said...he wasn't wrong. 

One more look at the dining hall. No Tommy, Maria, and definitely no Ellie. As scary as that was, he took that as permission and stole a glance at the big open doors, leading outside. She'll be okay if he steps out for a minute or two.

He twisted his neck toward the exit. "Not here." 

Eric seemed hesitant but followed him outside, the two of them sneaking into a dimly lit corner on the porch. The doctor's brown eyes pierced Joel's green ones, anxiously waiting for him to speak up.

Joel waited and allowed people to pass them, making sure they were truly alone.

"She did it to herself."  

Eric's face twisted with a strange mix of fear and disgust. Joel carried on.

"Bleach. A whole lot of it. Regretted it immediately. I mean she was...well, she begged me not to tell anyone. Got real embarrassed, I think."

The man before him stuttered, tried to find words worthy of meeting the cool night air. "Why?"

"Why does anyone do anythin' anymore?" Joel dared. "I knew she was hurtin' I just didn't know it was that bad."

"Right— I get that but— why wouldn't you just bring her to the clinic?"

"Girl was panicking enough, and she really don't like hospitals." Not a lie but not the whole truth either. After St. Mary's, Ellie had shut down any possibility of going to the clinic. Joel didn't fight her, figuring it was something she'd outgrow but...

"Joel—"

"I know, okay? I know." He looked around, paranoid as ever, his breath all tangled up and creaking in his chest. The sight of Ellie's arm, damn near exploding with pus, the skin practically melting off her bone—it haunted him. Rehashing it with the one person who could've helped, and had all the equipment and supplies to ease his daughter's pain...was too much. 

Ellie never told him outright that she was hurting. Those few weeks she spent bedridden, whining and making small noises of discomfort, were some of the longest he'd ever experienced. 

If only he'd brought her in, he thought. Her bite wasn't even visible anymore, they could've helped her a hell of a lot better than he did. The risk of doing something like that with someone like Ellie was far too big, and he knew it. Always knew that to be true. 

Melted skin or not, people were going to want a piece of her, one way or another. They would pass her around, tearing her limb for limb, just to get something outta her. Her immunity, her innocence, the way she tilted her head to the side when she wanted to watch another movie on a work night...

The sound of glass shattering in the distance pulled them back to reality. "What the hell was that?" 

The men exchanged worried glances, before rushing back inside. Joel's first instinct was to search for his kid, make sure she hadn't done anything stupid. The sight that welcomed him, however, was somehow harder to watch.

"Jesus Christ, Tommy..."

Turns out his brother was way worse off than Joel thought, leaning above a mixture of broken glass and, what could've only been his own vomit. Maria was stuck between shooing away the small crowd of people who wanted to see what was happening and glaring at her husband. When she finally spotted him in the crowd her face fell with relief. 

"Joel— listen— I'm so sorry to ask but do you think you could manage things around here for a bit? Shit, I know you just got here but he's a fucking mess and I got so much to take care of—"

"I'll take him," he assured, already making his way to him. He looked back to Eric for a second, offering a silent gratitude that the doctor returned.

"You sure? I know it's a lot to ask..."

Joel turned Tommy toward him, taking in his sickly state before glancing around the room. The last thing he wanted was for Ellie to see her uncle embarrass himself like this. Grateful beyond words that she wasn't one of the faces in the crowd, he wrapped his brother's arm behind his neck, taking as much of his weight as he could.

"I got him, you do what you need to do." 

He glanced over the dining hall again, a little concerned that his daughter was still nowhere to be seen. 

"Can you just...watch her for me? Make sure she's okay and all that?"

Maria nodded and helped escort them out. "Of course."

"Alright now, don' let her drink anything. Girl's been a little unpredictable lately and I don't want her stickin' her nose in that crap," he paused and adjusted his grip on Tommy's arm. "—And make sure she tells you before she goes anywhere, an'—"

"Joel," the woman cut him off. "I get it." 

He nodded, stealing another glance inside. After another few thank yous from Maria, he turned and started walking back home, careful not to jostle Tommy too much. 

"You couldn't even wait an hour could you, you bastard?"

"Oh spare me, Joel...you don'— you don' know shit."

To give credit where credit was due, Joel appreciated the fact that his brother at least tried to put on an act in front of Ellie. Still, it wasn't even ten o'clock yet, and for him to be so fucked up...something wasn't right. He just hoped that the fresh air could sober him up.  

"You look fuckin' stupid by the way," Joel teased, even though his stupid fucking hat must've fallen off sometime after he threw up back at the dance. 

Tommy lifted his head, his eyes barely opened halfway. "Yeah, well...you look like a million—" he suddenly lurched forward, covering part of Joel's jeans and flannel in bile.

"For fucks sake Tommy!" 

He released him without thinking, trying to fix the damage, only realizing his mistake when his brother dropped to the ground, accepting it with little to no protest.  Joel was torn between feeling sorry for the guy and kicking him where it hurt most just because he had the advantage. 

"Alright, you asshole, get up."

He tried pulling him up, but Tommy's first instinct was to squirm out of his grasp, thrashing around like his touch physically hurt him. 

"Nngh— get the— get the fuck off me!"

And just like that, he was on the ground again, propped up by nothing but his elbows. Joel watched him spit bile onto the ground, his initial anger disappearing as soon as the memory of Ellie emptying her stomach in the same fashion, mere hours prior, popped into his mind. 

"Don't fucking touch me!"

He sighed. "Tommy, it's either you come with me, or you sleep out here. Now, which one is it?" 

There was a very big possibility that his little brother couldn't even so much as register his words, but something seemed to click in his stupid brain at that moment. Joel offered his hand again and, by some miracle, he took it. 

Joel's house was closer to Tommy's, so he figured he'd let him sober up there and take him back to his place later. He thought about just letting him crash on the couch but, once again, he didn't want to risk Ellie seeing him like that. 

Fifteen or so minutes of indecipherable mumbles and hiccups from Tommy's end later, they finally made it. He carefully led him to the kitchen, plopped him down on the chair, and placed a glass of water before him. 

"Take a few sips. Sips. Don' chug the whole thing."

He didn't stick around to see if his brother was smart enough to listen, and instead climbed the stairs to his bedroom, where he changed into a clean pair of clothes. He made it back downstairs just in time for Tommy to be sick again, right on his kitchen tile. 

"Well, ain't you nice," Joel sneered and placed a trashcan next to him. As soon as he stepped close enough, his smile faltered. "Hey—Tommy?"

He lifted his face to meet Joel's gaze, his cheeks wet from a combination of snot and tears. "Maria don't love me no more..."

Jesus, that boy was wasted.

"She loves you just fine, don't be an idiot."

The only time he'd ever seen Tommy cry was when they buried Sarah. He was inconsolable—the worst Joel had ever seen him. Then again, so was he. But this...this was a close second. 

Tommy's chest heaved with sobs, his nose clogged so badly it made him sound like a boy again, even at his grown age. "Y'know I never wanted kids? They creep me out." 

Joel just nodded along, taking a seat in front of him. He observed Tommy closely, painfully listening to each shaky gasp for air that he managed to suck through cracked lips. 

"I mean...Ellie— she's so great. Love 'er to death but...Jesus, you don't deserve her." 

Joel froze. "S'cuse me?" 

He's drunk. He don't know what he's saying.

"Why...why the fuck do you get to have everything? You're a fuckin'— you're a piece of shit, Joel." He let out another sob, though it almost sounded like a laugh. "You wanna know somethin'? After...after you an' Ellie left Jackson I— I regretted not takin' her."

Alright, this was getting a bit too personal for comfort now.

"—I saw the way you looked at 'er. I thought...I was scared that it'd kill you. And also..." he laughed again, though it was strained and thickened by tears. "I wanted to have that. I wanted to be a daddy..." 

There was a pause, silence stretching between them like they were worlds apart. 

“Maria barely wants me in the house. Jesus. Can't keep a woman in my bed, can't, fuckin', have a kid..." he buried his head into his hands. "It's my fault. Gotta be."

"Come on, don't talk like that."

"No, I—that's what I thought, y'know? All them years we spent...robbin'— killin' folk, Joel, it catches up. But then," Tommy vaguely gestured at his brother. "Here you are, with a fuckin' kid..."

"Tommy, I—"

"Oh, shut the fuck up. God, no wonder Ellie's runnin' away from you...you're insufferable when you love people! I mean you gotta know that, right?"

Joel couldn't find the words and felt as if he was suddenly inhaling through a straw.

"Why wouldn't you just bring her to the clinic?"

"Jesus, you don't deserve her."

He couldn't say anything. There wasn't enough air. 

Tommy started sobbing again, his soul dripping on the cold tiles of a kitchen that wasn't his, promising a headache in the morning. Joel swallowed every emotion brewing behind closed eyelids, got up, and held his brother. With one arm around his shoulder, they stood again and stumbled to the living room, where he placed Tommy's shaking body on the couch, gentle as ever. 

He groaned, rubbing the side of his face into the arm of the couch while Joel retrieved a blanket. 

His little brother stirred, half-asleep once more. Only now, he was safe. That's all that mattered. 

"I would...I would've been a good daddy..." he whispered and dozed off. 

Joel wanted to ask him what he meant by that. Only he knew that if he did, he'd most likely get the truth, buried beneath meaningless drunken mumbles. The truth was that he would've been better.

He would have been able to answer Ellie's questions; tell her stories of Don and Mary Miller until the sun was up. He would've kept himself upright on that balcony, staying by her side through winter, keeping her safe the whole time. She would never wake up scared to breathe too loudly because the bad man could hear her. 

Tommy wouldn't have had to love her through the eyes that watched a little girl grow up; with blonde hair and hands that were only ever stained by her own blood. When he'd hold her, it would have been genuine, not just a desperate attempt to cling to a corpse her size. 

He would've been better. And everyone could see it. 

Joel spent the next hour sitting in an armchair beside Tommy's sleeping form, trying to ignore each tear that spilled from his eye. The back of his hand had been awfully itchy since the only sound echoing through the empty house was his brother's irregular snoring. 

He wanted to think of Ellie, but couldn't. Not without guilt. Guilt that he was holding her back—keeping her away from someone better.

The only comfort that he allowed himself was knowing that she was safe. She was with her friends, Jesse's parents, Maria—

There was a knock, quick and urgent, yet not loud enough to wake Tommy. 

"Joel?" It was Maria. "You home?" 

He was on his feet within seconds, drying his cheeks with enough force he wouldn't be surprised if he scraped off some skin. His eyes landed on Maria first, but it was brief. She looked tired, pursing her lips like she knew about a secret that was never supposed to be out. Her hand was wrapped firmly around Ellie's arm, strong fingers circling her bicep, scared that the girl would run away or something.

Joel's heart was in his stomach the second he caught sight of her. Her nose was swollen red, smothered in blood that ran all the way to her chin. Her left cheek had been scraped and bruised, and if he squinted he could catch sight of a black eye.

Jesus. Fucking. Christ.

Chapter Text

“Fucking asshole— piece of shit mother—” 

The words left her mouth like bullets, landing somewhere between the empty alleyway and the barrel of her spine. Her knees bend and buckle, tiny rocks tearing themselves from beneath her sneakers.  

They weren’t directed at him — the words. Had they been, Ellie would’ve stuck around the house, and proudly nailed each and every one into him with ease. 

Joel didn’t deserve that, nor the cold shoulder she had decided was the gentlest punishment for him. The kindest, most moral solution to a crime that didn’t exist. 

It was him now, in the chalet from her nightmares, that chased her through the fire, masked behind mountains of smoke—four nights in a row.

The first night it was still David who had her pinned to the floor and, like she so often did, Ellie called out to Joel; clawed and kicked against burning wood for a chance at freedom.   After reaching for a machete that wasn’t there, her eyes took in every inch of the room. 

There, in a ruined corner completely swallowed by the fire, she noticed an unmoving silhouette of a man. She knew it was him; would know it without a heartbeat. Though, no matter how badly her lungs burned and her vocal cords stretched twice her size, he just stood there and watched.

The metal of David’s belt hit the floor, and Ellie awoke with such a start that her stomach turned inside out. 

Joel was gone before she got up. All that was left was a note, comfortably staring back at her from the fridge. 

Had to get to work early. Will be home by lunch. There’s porridge in the fridge. -Joel  

She didn't eat the porridge. 

The second night was when shit hit the fan. No fire, no David, and no machete nestled beneath the seats for Ellie to reach. 

A chill, much too familiar for the setting, still wrapped itself around her ribcage, groping and pounding against the very idea of what it meant to be human. The air reeked of blood, a taste close to iron and something much darker resting on the tongue of something vicious. 

She wasn’t alone. 

The voices that followed were merely echoes, but it was enough to make Ellie’s knees hit the floor, her thighs brushing against the red carpet until she had squirmed into a hiding spot. Snuggled between the leg of the table and the bottom of a booth, she waited. 

Silence. 

The feeling didn’t dissolve. It merely crushed itself into dust and sprinkled bits through her entire being until Ellie was sure she was vibrating from it. 

How much pain could one fucking night cause in a lifetime? 

Ellie’s muscles tensed from crouching for so long and she shifted herself onto her hands and knees to stay hidden. From what she wasn’t sure, but months of revisiting Silver Lake had paid their dues.

She had the whole chalet mapped out in front of her. It was always the same: a fucking maze. A circle of fire that forced her into the belly of the beast. 

The beast that still had not made a fucking sound. 

Fuck it. 

Pressing her palms deeper into the itchy strings of the carpet, Ellie tried her luck and snuck from the faux safety of her hiding spot.

Once her upper body had been exposed to the cold room, there was a sharpness in her ribs, sending her right back down to the floor. She lay there, sprawled in front of the whole world like a porcelain doll, and cradled her surely bruised — and possibly broken — ribcage. 

“I know you’re not infected,” David snarled. 

Ah. There he is. 

“Nobody infected fights this hard to stay alive.” 

Instead of rolling her onto her back, the fucker put his boot on her spine and pressed down, hard. The weight of a fully grown man on top of her squeezed the remaining breath from her lungs, making her lightheaded.

A yank of her ponytail and her head was off the floor, forcing her into some mock version of a camel clutch. His hot, rancid breath burned against the side of her face as he whispered into her ear. 

“You wanna save the world, baby girl?” 

What?

With that, Ellie was finally on her back, staring at the empty silhouette of the worst human that had ever gotten so close. There wasn’t much to see before the man’s hand clamped down on her throat. Although she couldn’t breathe, Ellie’s heart only sank once she clawed at the arm of her captor and recognized the comforting feel of her father’s leather jacket. 

The brown leather jacket he wore when he told her about soccer and shared how he wanted to sing his heart out when he was a kid. 

The jacket that he had pressed her face into when he found her. When he saved her. No adult had ever held her so close before. 

And now he was trying to kill her. 

When Joel opened his mouth again, it wasn’t just his voice that came out but rather a misshapen wail. His voice and David’s, mocking her as one. 

“Are you really that fucking special?” 

That begat the vomit out of her. It woke Joel up — the real Joel, her Joel — and he was beside her in mere seconds, scooping her up by her forearms so that she was sitting on the edge of her bed with him. After she sobbed and desperately squirmed out of his several attempts at a hug, he let her be. 

He cleaned the bile off her bedroom floor while she stared into emptiness without making a sound. Her fucking throat still hurt. 

The guilt and anger playing house somewhere in the invisible cracks on her ribs (that had healed over months ago) had to go somewhere. Ellie couldn’t very well throw them at Joel. Not with how wide with fear and genuine panic his eyes got at the sight of her. 

But no matter how many kisses he pressed to the crown of her head, or how many times he told her “It’s okay, baby. You’re safe. You’re with me,” she couldn’t shake the terror her brain threw her way. 

He didn’t do anything, not really. 

But still, those feelings needed a way out. A target that wouldn’t trade its life for hers in a heartbeat. 

On the fourth morning, Ellie had found that a dumpster behind the armory did the job well enough. 

Each hit bent the weak, rotting metal further, the rusted pipe in her hands feeling freakishly akin to a machete. She shouted obscenities at thin air, not giving a goddamn fuck who heard it.

“—fucker!” 

By the time she was done, the trash can more closely resembled an empty can of beans that the dogs had licked clean. Might as well blame it on them, seeing how Ellie wasn’t much different. 

She was already panting, bearing sharp teeth as she slowly waited for her mouth to foam up. 

She took in her surroundings in an attempt to ground herself until her face flushed crimson with embarrassment. A few feet away stood a little boy, no older than six, holding an orange plastic truck in his arms. His black eyes were wide with — what Ellie could only perceive as — fear, yet he couldn’t look away.

It took a witness for Ellie to see how stupid she was being, but her pride had always burned strong, and it was going to take more than a little kid for her to take accountability. 

“The fuck are you looking at?” she barked, jerking her body one step closer to try and scare the kid away. 

The boy flinched and ran off whimpering. Her eyes followed his small figure until they landed on a taller, much scarier one in the distance. 

A Firefly — dr. Anderson’s girl — stood across the street, her eyes fixed on Ellie, pinning her in place. She was dressed in a simple white tank top and sweats, her hair held up in a ponytail. 

Weird. She usually wore a braid. 

The Fireflies never seemed to have a habit of lingering long, as Ellie barely noticed them. However, she noticed Joel’s eyes assessing their surroundings each time they stepped outside, almost begging for a threat. 

He always spotted them before she did. She knew only because the simple sight of them made him pull her close. A protective arm over her shoulders or a firm grip on her arm. 

As embarrassing as it was, it did prove itself effective. Every once in a while, Ellie would stumble upon one of them by herself, and there would be a feeling of sweat lingering on the back of her neck. 

Even now, Ellie broke free from the stare-down first, putting more force into her step until she reached the library. Shutting the door behind her, she leaned against it, tried to control her breathing the way Joel taught her to. 

“There we go. In and out, jus’ like me. Can you count for me, baby girl—are you really that fucking special? ” 

Fucking hell. 

It was all mixed up. One blink and the Joel that taught her to swim and play guitar, tucked her in every night, and hand-made her giraffe sculptures was gone. In his place stood a monster who watched David have his fun with her. A man who took over his stance and strangled the life from her. 

It wasn’t fucking fair. 

“You’re early,” Esther beamed from behind the counter. She was leaning over some papers, probably retaking stock of the inventory. 

“Wasn’t expecting you for another hour.” 

Ellie avoided eye contact as she moved further into the room. “Couldn’t sleep.” 

“Again?” 

There was a familiarity in the woman’s tone, and Ellie quickly tied it to pity. The only thing missing was the echo of a southern drawl; she would’ve had herself a Joel 2.0. 

Esther stole a peek over the girls’ shoulder, pouting slightly.

“Where’s your backpack?” 

Ellie’s eyes widened, hands reaching to tug at the straps that were supposed to be weighing her shoulders down. “Fuck!” Her head hung in defeat, the weight of the past few nights suddenly heavier than any burden she had ever carried.

She was getting sloppy, even for her standards. 

“Jeez. Who pissed in your cereal?” 

She snapped, not thinking. “I’m fine.” 

Esther scrutinized her for a long minute. Then she nodded briskly, reached over, and returned her papers to one of her desk drawers.

“Alright.” 

“I am.” 

“I believe you, girl. It’s too damn early to go picking fights anyway.” 

Ellie huffed. “Sorry.“ 

“Eh, no harm done,” she said, smirking slightly. “I got some boxes for you in the back if you wanna get started right away.” 

One big difference between Joel and Esther was that she never dragged the answers out of her. Nothing she said was ever too little or too much. Joel needed an answer for everything — Why she wasn’t sleeping, eating, hanging out with her friends….

Ellie moved behind the shelves, filled to the brim with dusty pages of stuff she wasn’t going to read before guilt overtook her again. 

Taking a few steps back she asked “Are you, like, okay?” 

The librarian crossed her arms over her chest, though it wasn’t out of anger or annoyance. Or, didn’t seem to be. 

“Are you? ‘Cause you’re looking a little pale there.” 

“I…” she leaned her forehead against one of the bookshelves. “I threw up this morning. But it’s not a big deal, or whatever.” 

Esther massaged the few wrinkles on her forehead. “Jesus, Ellie.” 

“I’m fine,” she repeated, softer this time. 

“Better be. I don’t wanna send my only assistant to the clinic because she got sick.”

“I’m an assistant, now?” Ellie teased. 

Esther’s face relaxed, shoulders staying fixed in place. “You’ll be a maid if you throw up on my books.” 

“That nobody reads.”

Her smirk died down rather quickly, Ellie noticed, and it hurt. She didn’t know why, but it did. 

“What’d your dad say about you coming in sick?” 

Fucking Joel 2.0 over here…

“Why the fuck does everyone think I’m sick?” Her voice rose again, spilling from her throat like the morning bile. Without waiting for a reply, she stomped to the back, more so that she would be out of judgment's sight than to do actual work. 

But the woman wouldn’t give it a rest if her life depended on it. “Does your dad think you’re sick?” 

Probably, Ellie figured. With the way things stood, she couldn’t imagine the imprint of her shaking form ever leaving Joel’s mattress. He said it didn’t bother him but she knew better — felt the tremble of his fingertips each time he stroked the fear from her scalp. 

Did Sarah ever run to him with snot sticking to her lips? If she ever brought a dead bird to the steps of his porch, wrapped in a bloodied napkin that stained her hands, would he have held her face between steady palms, as he did with Ellie? Tore her from the corpse and kiss the salty tears from her cheeks? 

It must’ve been so easy to love her. She went to school, won trophies, and never once questioned her father’s love for her. 

Joel was her father before he was Ellie’s anything. He was her dad back in Boston, when his tongue was still sharp and mean, and he’ll be her dad when the worms get to feast on his insides. Ellie was a pet. A stray that Joel let in. He kept her fed — or tried to, at least —, clothed, well-rested, and it still wasn’t enough. 

It was still his hand on her throat in that chalet. 

If Ellie hadn’t woken up, would it have been his belt that hit the floor? 

“Ellie,” Esther’s voice cut through the fog. “Did your dad say it was okay for you to come in?”

The word felt like an arrow, ripping muscle until the bone was exposed. 

“Joel said it was fine. He fucking told me to come so don’t try to blame shit on him.” 

Esther went quiet for a few long, stretched-out seconds before stepping away from the counter and joining her behind the bookshelf. She had a look in her eyes, one that Ellie had only seen in Joel or Maria. It felt weird, like someone had lodged a rock down her throat. 

“Okay,” Esther started, her voice long and drawled. “I don’t know what’s going on with you today but you better drop it. I’m not wasting a good day on a shitty attitude.” 

Ellie swallowed hard, turning away to glare at the dust coating the wooden edges of old shelves. 

“Now listen, if you say you’re fine, I believe you. I’m just trying to make sure I’m not pissing off your folks here. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but some of these parents can be intense.”

Ellie smirked despite herself, only a little annoyed at how easily her anger faded. Annoyed, and mostly frustrated that she couldn’t have just done the same for Joel this morning. 

He was trying so hard. But the spot where his fingers gently circled her wrist, trying to keep her home for a few seconds longer, still throbbed beneath her skin every time she looked at it. 

It felt like David’s touch; gluttonous and unrelenting. That image should have never been tied to Joel. He was gentle with her — the only man that’s ever held her so close without the intention of hurting her. 

“Right. Sorry, then, or whatever.” 

Esther smirked. “Or whatever.” Her eyes darted toward the big carton box at the end of the row, nestled between two sets of bookshelves,  her chin tilting to it. “Got new books for the daycare. You feel like stopping by?” 

Ellie had only been to the daycare once or twice. Dina liked to volunteer there, said she found some comfort in the kids. Ironic considering those snot factories were louder than a hundred FEDRA tanks, storming through crowds of screaming civilians. 

She stopped tagging along some time ago. Stopped spending time with her friends at all, for that matter. It was too much — she was too much for anyone. 

Baggage, too big for her body, had been weighing her down since the day she was born. It jumped from person to person until everyone vanished underground, leaving little Ellie desolate once more. It spared no one, least of all the people who got too close. 

The thing was, Ellie had always had these…big moments. They happened every few months or so: Epiphanies of some sort; realizations that people didn’t like her. And if they still somehow denied that fact, she distanced herself. 

From Joel. From her friends. Hell, the fucking strays on the street wouldn’t look her way. If her nightmares hadn’t woken her up, Ellie would’ve just stayed in bed until her bones turned to mush. Joel noticed — started pulling at the curtains in her room without her consent to force her awake sometime past noon. 

But that was normal. It was whatever. 

“Uh, I mean, sure, I guess,” she mumbled. Esther wasn’t impressed.

“Well don’t sound too excited there, partner. It’s not even noon yet.” 

Ellie kneeled by the box, digging her nails into the long string of duct tape keeping it shut. Inside were small towers of tiny rectangular books, hand-sewn together with string. It was pretty much impossible to find books in good condition nowadays, so people made their own. Jackson had its own artists, folks making paper from scratch and shit. 

The cover was a watercolor painting of a little panda bear, with a big smile plastered on its face. On either side of the cub were two grown bears: a brown one, probably a grizzly, and a polar one. They were snuggling the cub close, little hearts circling the small group. 

“Our Paw-esome Family,” Ellie read the title in big bubble letters, smirking at the bad pun. “What’s it about?” 

Esther came up behind her and reached down for a book as well, immediately making a sympathetic sort of noise. “Oh, isn’t that cute? Must be about adoption. Can’t imagine it’s as common as it used to be but, still, it’s sweet that they keep it in mind.” 

Ellie clicked her tongue, returning the book to its previous spot. Growing up in an ‘orphanage’, the idea of adoption was always kind of there. It seemed like a good idea, even in a fucked up world, but in practice it didn’t really exist. 

They never referred to what they did as adoption, her and Joel. Technically, if this had been the old world, it could’ve worked. But, since the old life fell apart, things got sloppy. People got cruel, men got crueler. The sight of a fifty-year-old man with a teenage girl didn’t scream ‘family’ anymore. Ellie knew the type of men who kept little girls around for pleasure. She’d seen enough soldiers drag kids into tents to know it was true. 

“Do you think it can still happen?” she asked, unclear why. “The adoptions. You think it’s possible?” 

The librarian didn’t lift her head to meet her gaze, flipping through the pages with a soft grin. 

“Uh…sure. I mean, there’s more than enough orphans out there, right? Not sure if the need for a kid is that strong anymore but yeah, I’d like to think so.” 

The need for a kid. 

Ellie quickly shut the box, her muscles tense again. She picked it up in one swift motion and moved passed the woman, nostrils most likely flailing. 

“Whoah there,” Esther half laughter half shrieked. “What’s the rush?”

“I’m taking them to the daycare, like you said.” 

And with that, she was out the door and back on the street. 

Her heart was pounding again, knuckles turning white with the grip she had on the box. The igneous summer heat flushed her cheeks red, radiating through the craggy road her sneakers stomped against. It was one of the few times Ellie had stepped outside without checking twice for any sight of the Fireflies, and she knew Joel would skin her alive for it but she couldn’t care less. Maybe she wanted a fight — craved the feel of flesh ripping beneath her knuckles. If the Fireflies, after all these months, wanted a go at her, she’d let ‘em come. Spill their brains on concrete for the hell of it. 

Instead, she leaned herself against a wall, hoarsely gasped for air. Bloodthirsty and furious with herself as she was, Ellie wasn’t going to enter a building full of children with that mindset. She wasn’t a monster yet. 

The shiny golden bell announced her to the room, though it was drowned out by the chorus of squeaky shouts and laughs emerging from dozens of toddlers. The room itself was decent enough for a town like Jackson. Tiny plastic chairs and tables resigned in their own corner, unfinished drawings of flowers and stick figures forsaken around them. Almost all of the stuffed animals had been stitched back together again, either as the result of an apocalypse or tiny hands pulling at their strings. The walls, a faded shade of yellow, had successfully made it through without any scribbles of crayon, which was honestly impressive. 

Nawn was on schedule today. Ellie had only seen the woman once or twice around town but Dina swore that she was the best person for the job. She was standing by a blackboard, pointing at the letter H written on it with chalk, teaching it to a group of kids. 

She was dressed in a white T-shirt and a long yellow skirt with a bright multi-colored vest draped over it. Her hair was done in locks, gracefully tied at the top of her head. When she spotted Ellie, she flashed the kids a bright smile before making her way to her.

“Hi, there. Can I help you with something?”

“Oh, I’m— I’m from the library. Esther— Ms. Polastri asked me to deliver these,” she lifted the box for emphasis. 

Nawn clasped her palms together, smiling wide again. “Right. The books. Just put them in the play corner over there for me, please.” 

Ellie looked at where she was pointing, her stomach nearly curling in on itself. In the corner, she spotted a figure, wearing the same colorful vest as Nawn, with long raven hair tied in a ponytail. 

Shit. 

Stifling a groan, she moved. Although Dina was facing away from her, she could’ve sworn her gaze was already drilling holes into her. 

Her friend saw her before she got too close, her eyes widening. “Holy—“ she cut herself off, watching her language around the kids and rushing to her side, grinning from ear to ear. 

“Where have you been?” she demanded, softly, helping her set the books down before taking her in from head to toe. “I haven’t seen you in like…”

Two weeks. 

The first week, Ellie got out of it by lying and saying that she had too much work on her hands. The second, she faked a cough and a convincing headache. A difficult task under Joel’s watchful eye. 

“Y’all in a fight or somethin’?” he asked a few days into her lying fiasco. 

She denied it because they weren’t. Her head just wasn’t screwed on right. It was like a shield that bounced all the love away from her, denying it access. 

“Yeah, no, I know, I was just sick…with the plague?” 

Jesus Christ.

Dina’s eyebrows knitted together, her smile turning a little awkward. “The plague?” 

“I mean, not— not the plague, but, like, similar…” 

Fifteen years of lying and causing mischief, and she was still shit at getting caught red-handed. At least by people who cared for her. 

Thankfully, her friend just laughed. “Uh-huh,” she nodded. “Well, good, ‘cause I thought you’ve been avoiding me.” 

Before another lie could fight its way from Ellie’s tongue, a teary-eyed toddler ran up to Dina, tugging at her vest. 

“R-Richie to-took B-B-ella,” the little girl stuttered through tears. 

Dina was immediately in action, only briefly turning back to Ellie to excuse herself before approaching the boy, Richie, probably. 

He couldn’t have been more than four years old, holding a little doll hostage in his grasp. 

Ellie watched Dina approach the situation with so much patience and grace it almost made her want to throw up. This was the love and care that had been directed towards her for weeks, and all she could do was follow it up with lies. 

Within seconds, her friend had successfully returned the doll to the girl and returned to her side, continuing the conversation where it was left off. “So, you’re okay now?”

It hurts to be awake, and when I'm asleep I get awful fucking nightmares about my dad hurting me so now I can't even look him in the eye. I can't find the energy to eat, sleep, or see the people who care about me. I don't know what's happening to me or my body and I'm scared I might be dying. 

"Yup. All good." 

Every ache that lie brought on was eased the second Dina's face decompressed with relief. It almost made her feel like she was going to throw up again. 

"I should probably let you get back to it then, huh?" 

"Well, I do have very bossy clients," Dina joked, turning to look at the kids again. "I'll see you at the dance though, right?" 

A wave of something heavy surrounded her at once; caging her in. It was a weird mix of self-hatred and grief — a feeling that Ellie knew better as Weird weird. A stupid name for a stupid feeling that she only used for Joel's sake. 

Ellie gnawed on the inside of her cheek, putting on a brave face. "I'll have to ask Joel—" liar "—but he'll probably say yes so..."

Blaming shit on Joel wasn't something she was particularly proud of, though she couldn't seem to stop. He was always just...there. Up for grabs whenever she needed anything.

Dina's smile stretched for miles, happiness practically radiating from her. Come to think of it, the only time Ellie had seen her without a smile was on her birthday.

Why couldn't she do that? Why couldn't she just be happy? She had all the tools — more than she had ever imagined herself with — but simply couldn't make use of them. Certain parts couldn't fit. They crashed and broke on the floor, slipping through her fingers like water until she was only a desert, vacant of visitors. 

The tools she could use, she kept, hid them away in her fist. She gripped them so tightly they split the skin of her palms, and drew blood. It always rendered them useless by the end of it all. 

Another little boy ran up to Dina, urgently tugging at her arm, begging her to come play with him. Ellie watched them, formed a tight-lipped smile, and prayed that was the end of their conversation. 

"—Alright, alright, I'll play with you," said Dina before turning to her once more, even if briefly. "I'll see you at the dance, right?" 

She nodded eagerly, making promise after promise so that no one else had to get hurt. So long as she could keep a promise, she could be of use to people. 

With a throbbing head and sweaty palms, Ellie returned to the library. Being out of the house was supposed to sort her out, help her see clearly again. But Joel’s voice, tinged with evil, still drilled caves into the base of her skull. No amount of pet names could take that away. 

The streets were fuller now with more people waking up, and going about their day like they usually did. Parents dropped their kids off at school, carried their backpacks for them until they reached the building. The gardeners dug their knees into the mushy dirt, their gloves already soiled with it as they pulled weeds and carrots from the ground. Ellie wondered if Joel left for work yet, even though she had most likely exhausted him beyond words. He liked to work, enjoyed the idea of being useful. That’s something they shared, the two of them.

Once she climbed the few steps leading to the entrance, Ellie could hear a faint voice, a man’s voice, passing from inside. She stole a peek through the glass safely housed between the wooden doorframe, curious as ever. 

The man looked vaguely familiar. Asian, seemingly around Joel’s age, with a few greying hairs sticking out from his unkempt beard. Ellie quietly opened the door and tried to listen in on his talk with Esther, hoping the sound of his voice could help her remember where she’d seen him before.

”—Fifteen. About this tall,” he spoke, raising his left palm somewhere below his right shoulder. It didn’t take a genius to figure out he was describing a kid.

If Esther had seen her, she wouldn’t show it. The customer seemed to hold all her attention, which Ellie was grateful for.

”What did you say her name was?” she asked, so very gently. “I could check if she’s borrowed anything recently if you’d like.” 

“Catherine. Catherine Zhou. Though she likes to go by Cat.” The man let out a low chuckle. “She, uh, gets mad if I call her anything else, to be honest.”

The name stirred something within Ellie. What, she wasn’t sure, but it was enough for her to move further into the room without thinking, alerting the two people. She quickly softened her posture, trying to act like she wasn’t eavesdropping mere seconds prior. It seemed to have worked, considering Esther didn’t even bat an eye at her. 

But she knew. Esther always knew everything. 

”Ellie,” she said, sounding almost relieved. “You know Cat, don’t you?”

The look that Cat’s father — Mark, she remembered from her last visit to Jesse's house — offered her caused a weird ache in her heart. He looked so hopeful, and the last thing Ellie wanted to do was ruin that for him. 

“Uh,” she mumbled, eyes darting from one adult to the other. “Not really. We’ve talked once or twice but that’s it.” Sorry, she wanted to add, though it wouldn't pass through clenched teeth. 

Cat wasn't necessarily the nicest person in the world but Ellie respected her well enough. She stood her ground and knew her way around a keen tongue. It was the easiest route to safety in the apocalypse, both physical and mental. It was a hard thing to overlook though, the roughness she carried. FEDRA would've hated her guts. That was one of the first things Ellie thought about after meeting the girl. 

Because she was like her, and how could anyone love a thing like that? 

Mark let out a short breath, shrugged, then turned back to Esther, making Ellie feel very out of place all of a sudden. "I'm not that worried," he explained. "She does this kind of thing a lot. Running off without a word, I mean. She'll turn up eventually, I know she will, but I figured you know..." 

His knuckles drummed on the counter before him, all words leaving him for a moment or two.

"Just in case." 

Esther nodded sympathetically, offering a comforting smile. "I'll let you know if I see her anywhere."

"Thank you, ma'am." 

The door closed shut behind him as he moved passed her, and Ellie watched the woman before her breathe out, fingers buried in her long brown hair. "Christ," she murmured. "Don't ever do something like that to your dad. Shit like this can drive someone insane."

"He seemed fine to me," she shrugged, eyeing the door for any final sight of Mark. 

"Trust me, no parent takes these things lightly."

It was the seriousness with which she spoke that piqued Ellie's interest. Esther wasn't usually a serious woman: a refreshing contrast to the still, hardened women of Jackson. This felt forced — a reality dragged up for air, leaving claw marks on each surface in a sad attempt at staying hidden.

"You're one to talk," she joked despite the slight tension in the room. "You don't even have kids." 

Esther's face stayed still, her gaze calculated. "I don't," she agreed. "But I have seen it, Ellie. That type of grief doesn't go away." 

Maybe it was because she was getting older, but adults had been making way more sense lately. Joel helped in that regard, offered a different perspective on the whole definition of love, and what it did to people. It was terrifying just how similar they felt, Joel and Esther, and Ellie wrinkled her nose at the memory of her dad cradling the framed photo of him and Sarah. 

"Right." 

The librarian sighed. "How was the daycare? They give you any trouble?" 

She shook her head, her ring and pinky finger settling easily into the opening of her left palm, now set in a loose fist. Esther nodded.

"Who was working today?"

"Nawn."

"Ah. Good, then." 

Slowly but surely, the two of them moved further into the room, stacking shelves like they had been for the past few months. It was a bore — probably why no one else had taken on the job —, and Ellie was starting to struggle. She wanted out, her fingers itching for the pull of a trigger. All her life, all she wanted was to be of use to people. Patrols kept Jackson, this home that had grown roots in her heart, safe. The sooner she got out there, the sooner she could see it. Make a difference herself, even.

Unfortunately, being useful to Joel meant staying put. Stacking shelves, sleeping in on the weekends, and never getting her hands dirty again. That's what was expected of her now.

"Just be a kid," he'd told her. "Let me worry 'bout the rest. You understand?" 

She did, but it didn't do much. 

"So, what's the plan for tonight?" Esther asked, sounding much more like her usual self. "You going to the dance or what?" 

Ellie grunted, stepping on her tiptoes to reach the highest shelf, placing an old copy of Wuthering Heights on it. "Probably," she said. "Joel and Tommy worked on the dining hall for a while. Should at least go check it out, right?"

Esther chuckled. "I've always loved dances. All the people coming together, it's nice ain't it?" 

Ellie eyed her curiously from the gap between the two bookshelves. "Did you go to a lot of dances? — Before, I mean."

"Oh yeah, I went to a bunch! Though they were mostly local. School, potlucks, that kind of thing." 

Ellie nodded along, though she couldn't even begin to imagine what any of that must've been like. ”Did you like them?”

”Well, it was more of a formality I suppose.” Esther smiled to herself. “There was this one dance where we could dress up as fictional characters from movies.” 

That caught Ellie’s attention. 

“Seriously? Who’d you go as?” 

Esther hesitated. “It’s silly…”

”Come on, don’t leave me hanging!”

She tried putting on those puppy eyes that always seemed to work on Joel, all but wagging her tail as a plea. 

There was a mischievous spark in Esther’s eyes, though she couldn’t quite place it. 

“I, uh, went as Princess Leia, actually.” 

Ellie's jaw dropped. “No fucking way!”

”Thought you might like that one.”

”Dude! Fuck you, that’s so fucking cool! Are you my favorite person in the world?” 

“After all the shit I put up with, I better be.” 

“You’re definitely top five right now!” 

“Am I now? Who’s number one?”

Immediately, there was a warm light on her. The one that woke her on days that felt more than just moments twirling into oblivion. Days that were just right, filled with music and laughter. A morning light that made the dust particles dance around her room, lifting off the pile of comic books and cassette tapes. And she’d lay there, rest her eyelids for whatever time she had left. 

It was summer again, had been for a while. Ellie lay until her skin burned, sweat tickling the back of her thighs. She would sit, lower her legs off the mattress. The feel of wooden floors, a few posters hung from beige walls, just the way she liked them, now so familiar that nothing could ever erase them from her.

There was a sound of soft footsteps, the creak of stairs as she made her way downstairs to bask in the familiar smell of coffee and bacon sizzling on the stove. The light traveled around the house, so comforting and easy on her face. Like a callused palm against her cheek, gently tugging her into the fabric of safety, tinged with the smell of gunpowder and coffee. 

Without further thought, Ellie decided to let Joel do her hair for the dance. Let a little light in. 

But, of course, light was a limited resource. All it took was one closed door for it to vanish. And, well, some people simply loved better in the dark. 

“—Look, Ellie— I don’t feel like rehashing all this right now.” 

“She pursed her lips into a line, her face bearing the same disappointment it had been for the last few days. "Right," she spoke. " 'Course you don't." 

And so they didn't. They walked in silence for a few minutes, Joel's eyes landing on her every few seconds, though there wasn't a bone in her body that wanted to ease his guilt. Even when they were inside, and there were too many people crammed into a room, tangled within each other with no room for anything else. 

People weren't the problem. Not when there were tables scattered with plastic cups, filled to the brim with a golden liquid, stinging her nostrils from far away. 

"Are you gonna drink tonight?" 

She needed to know — wanted to prepare herself for the inevitable sight of Joel sprawled across his bed, reeking of piss and vomit. He'd done it once, because of her, no less, so why wouldn't he do it again?

But his eyes just deepened, his throat expanding to push the access saliva down. It almost made him hard to admire. Such a sad, pathetic thing. 

So she left. If he wasn't gonna talk to her the way he had promised her all those months ago, what good was he? Let him deal with Tommy. She could do just fine on her own.

Ellie squeezed past the crowds, the happy couples intertwined with each other, until she made it to her friends on the side of the dance floor. Greeted by the sight of Dina, dressed in a brown tank top and shorts that barely stretched to her knees.

Jesse stood by her, one of his palms pressed gently against her back, the way Tommy often did to Maria. His eyes widened when he caught sight of her. "Holy shit," he laughed. "Where the fuck have you been?" 

She shrugged, every lie dying on her tongue with the way Dina looked at her. Happy, sure, though it felt forced, disappointed. She had looked at her the same way back when they parted in the daycare mere hours ago. 

Like she could see right through her, could feel Ellie’s head throbbing, rotting away from the inside out.

“Cut her some slack,” Dina cut in before Ellie could embarrass herself. “She had the plague.” 

Ellie cringed, trying to play it off as a laugh. “Right. Yeah, sorry, I must’ve caught something.” 

Jesse squinted at her. “Again?” 

“Bad immune system, dude. What can I say?” 

Dina scoffed, sarcasm dripping from her tone. “Not much, apparently.” 

A weight settled onto Ellie’s chest, an all-embracing heaviness disturbing any hope of a clear mindset. Every thought easily overpowered her senses, setting her jaw and turning her knuckles white.

Dina kept looking at her, waiting, hoping like a child at an orphanage. It was scary just how often Ellie’s eyes still held the same spark, despite it all.

‘Orphan’ was the first word people had ever used to describe her. Then it was ‘kid’, ‘brat’, and, on sacred moments when she moved the way she was told to, ‘soldier’. 

What else was she supposed to be if not that? Certainly not Joel’s kid — not if her body still tensed beneath his touch. 

But she was. Despite all odds, without a single drop of his blood in her veins, they were the same. Their grief burned hard, while their anger could scorch skin and make contact like bleach; exposing muscle. 

Did Dina ever feel like that? Soft and bare; easy to pierce even without a weapon? 

She didn’t get an answer. Within seconds, Jesse had already waved someone over. A guy,  his head shaved into a buzz cut that had been colored in with a goddamn sharpie by the looks of it. He looked older, and Ellie didn’t know how to feel about it. 

The boys clasped hands, exchanging greetings that she couldn’t quite make out before Dina moved in, greeting the stranger as well. The guy's eyes landed on Elie next, scouting her from head to toe. "Yo, what's with the twelve-year-old?" 

She immediately felt the rush of blood to her face, suddenly turning into such a vulnerable thing that it was almost pathetic. What teenager still gets their fucking dad to do their hair? 

"Fuck you, man," she seethed. "I'm fifteen."

Dina turned to face her at that but Ellie paid her no mind. Her gaze stayed on the guy, who was now grinning from ear to ear, divulging his bright yellow teeth in a gross, low-mannered attempt at peace. Thankfully, Jesse jumped to her rescue soon enough.

"She's good, she's a friend." He gestured at her, shifting his gaze between them. "Ellie, this is Darren. Darren, Ellie." 

Darren's eyes widened in amusement. "Ah, well, in that case," he carefully leaned in, though Ellie could tell he wasn't trying to be gross. Still, the sound of his hushed tone, his warm breath tickling her neck, made her sick to her fucking stomach. "If you ever need a little pick-me-up, I got the best shit in town." 

Relief flooded her at once. This guy wasn't a creep, he was a fucking weed-head. There were a lot of them back in Boston and, for the most part, they were pretty chill. Sure, there were the ones that tried exchanging sex for drugs but most of them were too fucking high or desperate to demand it. As long as they got their ration cards, they were cool. 

She let out a quick laugh. "Sure you do." 

Darren winked at her — again, more out of comfort than genuine attraction of sorts — before his attention was on Jesse again. "Speakin' of, you wanna...?" 

"Yeah, right," Jesse turned, nodded at her and Dina with a kind smile on his face. "I'll be right back." 

Ellie watched them move into a darkened corner of the room, almost grateful for the distraction. Without looking at her friend beside her, she asked "What's he doing?"

But Dina didn't bother with a response, crossing her arms instead. "You're fifteen?" 

That's when she turned to face her, a mix of confusion and regret forming in her gaze. "What?"

"How— Ellie, when was your birthday?"

It was creepy how sudden the feeling of dread came. It stole all excuses from the base of her throat, making her feel the way Joel had when she asked about his parents. She opened and closed her mouth the same way he had done, granting the creeping chill of confusion entrance until there was no question about it:

She was her father's daughter.

Useless, angry, and confusing.

"I dunno, like, two weeks ago." 

"Two weeks?" her friend shrieked. "Why didn't you tell me?" 

Suddenly the air felt much too thick for Ellie to coexist with it. The music got too loud, lights burned too bright, and the sound of people's chatter and laughter bounced around her skull until it burned. 

You're rotten, remember?

The mere idea that something was, and always will be, broken within her, always managed to find her. It followed her — stalked her from the shadows like some wasted creature. Because she couldn't be with people, and she sure as hell couldn't be alone. 

And everyone could see it. 

"Ellie," Dina asked her name gently, torment melting away into genuine concern, coating her tongue. "Are you okay?" 

No, she wanted to croak. Everything hurts, and I really wanna punch something. She bit her tongue, going for a different approach. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

"Ellie—"

"I've just been tired, you know? I haven't, uh, been sleeping well, I think."

What else was she supposed to say? 

She started moving off the dance floor, seeking solace in the dim corner of the room. Dina followed. "Ellie, wait." Within seconds, she was in front of her again, blocking her path. "You're my best friend. If you need help with something, you have to let me know—"

"I'm fine," Ellie's voice snapped suddenly. It split at the end, causing her to choke on the dryness of her throat that had since been fused with guilt. They ducked into the shadows, away from the public and, more importantly, Joel's watchful eye. There was a sharp sting in her chest, anger simmering in her abdomen with nowhere left to go. 

"You don't seem fine." 

Ellie felt her cheeks flush at that, both from frustration and embarrassment. She thought of Riley, and how quick she was at catching on to her lies. "You're too stubborn for your own good, Williams," she'd say. And goddammit, if it wasn't that very stubbornness that took her. 

How long before it took Dina as well?

"Yeah, well, what do you know?" Ellie challenged, her jaw set, shoulders square. "I've known you for, like, five months."

The hurt that flashed in Dina's eyes broke something deep within her. It also fed something dark and twisted that had grown roots in her belly after Colorado. Or perhaps it was always there, spreading like mold, crusting like blood on a machete. What fucked her up the most was the fact that people loved her despite it, and she hated herself because of it. There was no middle ground for her to rest on.

And it showed, given how Dina's bottom lip trembled and her eyes sharpened at the edges. Ellie was ready for her to yell and tear into her neck with sharp claws, but all she got was a sharp shake of the head. "I don't know what you're going through right now, but if you ever need to talk—"

"I don't." 

Dina blinked, her lashes glistening with tears. "Right. Okay, then." She turned and headed toward Jesse, leaving Ellie alone once again. She couldn't breathe; couldn't think anymore. Everything got blurry and, before she knew it, she was outside, standing on the back porch of the hall with clenched fists. 

There was a couple there, two teenagers making out on the railing, though they broke apart the second Ellie made her grand entrance. They muttered something under their breaths and left, though she couldn't care enough to worry about them. The couple left and she basked in the silence — only occasionally interrupted by crickets and cicadas — that had been leftover. 

She wasn’t alone long before Jesse marched up to her, his arms torn from his sides. “What the hell?” he demanded. “What did you say to her?” 

Ellie scowled and hugged her arms close to her chest. “Nothing.” 

“Nothing my ass. Jesus, Ellie, she’s already on edge because of her mom and now…”

She turned her gaze to the ground, her jaw working overtime. Jesse paused, collected himself before stepping closer. 

“What’s going on with you?”

Ellie looked up, eyes scanning him from head to toe. There was a little plastic bag sticking out from the front pocket of his jeans. Kids at school used to pass them under desks or through the desolate alleyways. Though she never reached for one herself, she secretly watched other kids do it. Back when she was little, she liked to play spy. The hushed whispers of kids, not that much older than her, seemed like perfect targets for eavesdropping. 

“What’s that?” she tilted her chin toward it, changing the subject. 

Jesse quickly stuffed two fingers into his pocket, pushing the bag further in until it was no longer exposed. “It’s nothing.” 

“Sure.” 

“It’s not— look, I don’t know what’s going on with you and Dina, but I’ve never seen you snap at her. It’s not like you.”

Ellie shifted her weight from the creaky floorboard on the porch, almost caving in on itself. “Hanging out with junkies isn’t like you either so, I guess we’re even.”

What else was she supposed to say? That she wanted her friends to hate her? That it was her way of protecting them? What a joke. 

Jesse scoffed, looking down on her. “Darren’s not like that he just—“ he ran a heavy palm over his eyelids. “It’s Rozerem, alright?” 

Ellie frowned. “Sleeping pills?” she swallowed, hard. “You alright man?” 

“I can’t sleep, and it’s not even addictive— that’s not the point. Why have you been avoiding us?” 

“Dude isn’t your dad, like, a doctor? Can’t he prescribe you shit like this or something?”

“Stop changing the subject, Ellie.”

“Well, I mean, fuck Jesse, what do you want me to say?” 

“I want you to make up with Dina.” 

She stared at him and he stared back, tension thick enough to be sliced with a machete. Jesse's never been mad at her before. It was enough to send her tumbling to the ground. 

It didn’t, and she stayed upright, chewing on the inside of her cheeks. Jesse’s eyes, though still burning intensely, softened as he threw his head back with a soft groan. “Look, maybe I don’t get it, but I am here for you. We both are. You decide what to do with that.” 

He turned, and Ellie bit out a soft “That’s it?”

”I don’t know, Ellie. You tell me.” 

She shut her mouth, clenched her jaw until it hurt and shrugged. He let out a deep breath. “Well, we’re here for you. But you gotta stop making dumb fucking decisions.” 

With that, he left her alone, just as she wanted. "You stupid piece of— fucking— fuck you—" Ellie groaned, her fists pounding against the side of her head like she was trying to coax some sense into it. That, or she was simply trying to shake the stupidity out. Both would've sufficed. 

She needed to hit something. Preferably something without a pulse but she was willing to suffer through the punishment of breaking some poor kid's nose. A week of cleanup duty or shuffling shit at the stables didn't necessarily strike fear into her bones after what FEDRA threw at her weekly. 

She looked around, eyes scanning every inch of the porch. There was a tiny garden gnome leaning against the railing. A chubby little guy with a pointy red hat twice his size, holding a big pot of pretend flowers with a stupid fucking grin on his face. 

Well, clay always did break nicely. 

Ellie quickly picked it up, transferring all her anger and fury into it with an iron grip, before tossing it off the porch and into the night as hard as she could. There was a thud, and then a crash, followed up by an unexpected:

"What the fuck? " 

She froze, fingers twitching lightly against her thighs. It was as if her brain had glued her to the spot, denying her an escape. Maybe if she just stayed quiet nothing would—

“Hello?” The voice rang out again, more annoyed than curious. Ellie looked in its direction, briefly spotting a silhouette in the distance. The figure had moved back enough so that Ellie could only see the head and shoulders from her spot on the porch, but the short dark bangs swaying in the light breeze told her everything she needed to know. 

“Did you throw a fucking gnome down here?” Cat asked, almost shouted up at her. 

Ellie groaned and stepped closer, grounding herself on the railing as she looked down at the girl. “Sorry, fuck— I didn’t know you were down there.” 

Cat blinked a few times, the light from her cigarette just barely making her features known as her eyes darted from the gnome — now smashed into tiny pieces on the grass, only a few feet away from her — and Ellie. 

“And that was, what? He stole from you or something?”

Ellie groaned and knelt until her head was buried on the spot of the railing between her palms, embarrassment flooding her at once. “Shut up.”

She could hear a small chuckle from Cat’s end, easing some tension from her spine, but not helping the embarrassment. By the time she lifted her face, the girl had taken one final drag of her cigarette before dropping it and putting it out with her sneakers. 

“You wanna clean him up?” 

The girls knelt in the grass, carefully picking up the larger pieces of clay, settling them in their palms. It was nice; therapeutic, in a sense. 

“I heard you and your buddy arguing back there,” Cat smirked, breaking the silence. “Sounded intense.”

”Do you always spy on people or was this just a one-time thing?” Ellie countered. 

It was actually pretty impressive just how easily Cat could slip in and out of things with her charm. The few times that they had spoken, she had always managed to slither out of uncomfortable situations damn near unnoticed. Not a bad skill to have, truthfully.

“Psh, don’t flatter yourself. You’re not that interesting,” Cat assured, though the smile stayed on her face. She raised to her feet and extended her palms, signaling for Ellie to add her broken pieces to her pile. She did and watched as the girl moved closer to the porch again, dumping the gnome’s remains behind the bushes that pressed against it. 

Ellie watched her closely, taking note of the way her fingers relaxed into a loose fist before she tucked them into the pockets of her brown hoodie. 

“There,” Cat’s voice shook her out of it. “Your hands are clean now.” 

“That’s up for debate.” 

Cat chuckled and settled beside her. Ellie wrinkled her nose. “Why are you talking to me?” 

“Oh, I’m not allowed to?” 

“Didn’t think you were interested, to be honest.” 

“I’m not,” she pulled one hand out of her hoodie, a tiny bag — much like the one Jesse tried to keep hidden — nestled between her fingers. There were three hastily wrapped cigarettes in it, and Ellie quickly remembered that she liked to keep them in the library. 

Cat stuck one cigarette into her mouth, her words coming out a bit muffled. “I’m just bored as shit.” 

She dug around her pocket for a few seconds before pulling out a lighter, putting the cigarette close to the flame that rose from it after a few struggling clicks, and taking a long drag. 

She wasn’t sure why, but Ellie caught herself staring a bit — felt her mind swim with wonder and curiosity. Every bit of her wanted to know more about her; wanted to see each tattoo up close, trace the needlework with her fingertips for a chance to see into her mind. She was so familiar, there was the same longing in her eyes that Ellie had seen every day when she looked in the mirror. 

Cat must've noticed. She gently separated the rolled-up piece of paper from between her lips, offering it to her instead. Ellie shook her head immediately. "I don't smoke, remember?"

"It's not tobacco."

Her eyes widened on instinct, eyebrows wrinkling her forehead. She had only smoked weed once, back in Boston. Riley snuck it in after another late-night adventure of hers, not bothering to share where she got it from. Ellie figured it was some kid that lurked in the shadows, passing hushed whispers with the wind. That night she bit off more than she could chew, stealing such a deep inhale that her lungs nearly collapsed, sending her into a coughing fit so hard she might've died for a few seconds. 

The after-effect though...that was well worth it. 

She trapped her bottom lip between her teeth, unknowingly shooting glances toward the dining hall as if suddenly very aware that the only thing separating her and Joel were a few walls, a dance floor, and a roof. She knew he didn't like the idea of her drinking, which she didn't get, so if he caught her smoking weed with a girl she barely knew...

"I dunno." 

"Oh c'mon. You chickenshit?" 

Defensiveness gnawed at the base of her stomach. Reaching out, rather aggressively, Ellie tried to take the joint from Cat's hand, but she quickly pulled it back. "Easy," she warned. "You're not, like, paranoid and shit when you smoke, are you?" 

"Who says I've smoked before?" 

"I don't know, maybe the fact that you were about to tear the shit from me says enough." She playfully smirked and took another drag. "You want it, though?"

She did, she really fucking did. After the fucking week she'd had, it almost seemed like the only thing that might do the trick. And damn it, if it didn't sound appealing. 

"You wanna share?" she asked tentatively. "You don't seem like that big of a, uh, people person."

Cat opened her mouth to answer before the sound of glass shattering shut her up. Both girls glanced at the door of the dining hall, big-eyed and curious. Cat moved, jumped a few stairs up the porch where she glanced inside for a moment. 

Ellie quickly, nervously asked, "What is it?" 

She couldn't imagine Joel drinking himself into a state so early on. There was a big part of her that trusted he wouldn't— couldn't do something like that. She loved him and, despite the shit she threw his way too often for her liking, there was an undeniable amount of faith she possessed for him. Faith that was now crinkled at the edges a bit, just enough for it to not hold up as it once did. 

"Someone got drunk and dropped a glass," Cat informed her. 

"Who?"

She shrugged. "Just some guy. I can't see from here."

Panic seized in her chest, an uncomfortably wet feeling in her lungs, warm with anticipation. Cat simply shrugged, tore herself away from the door, and returned to her. She must've sensed that something was very off because her features fell, eyebrows creased together. "You good?"

She didn't answer so the girl continued:

"Yeah, you definitely need some of this shit." She wiggled the joint, smoking and reeking, in front of her face before nudging her chin somewhere into the distance. "C'mon, it's too noisy over here."

It was only after they gathered some distance, the tune of country music fading behind them, that Ellie started paying attention again. She was outside, stepping over some holes in the road of a quiet Jackson, with Cat — who had barely said two nice things to her since they had met — leading the way. She became sickly aware of the air losing some of its warmth, more stars glistening down at them, like lost comets, staying still for a minute to gather their surroundings.

Cat stopped them just outside of the Tipsy Bison, plopping down on the wooden steps before it. They weren't that far away from the dance, meaning that she could still run back to the hall if things went south. Back to Joel. 

"You gonna sit down?"

Ellie played with her fingers for a moment before taking a seat next to her. Cat graciously handed her the joint, or what remained of it, and she accepted it with little to no hesitation, gently putting her lips to it. It was a sharp weight on her lungs, a bitterness coating and burning her throat with a tightness that threatened to choke her. She coughed, eliciting a chuckle from Cat, eyes watering before she collected herself relatively quickly. 

Taking one or two more puffs before passing it, she glared at the girl beside her. "Where the fuck did you get that?" she asked, her voice hoarse. 

"Some guy. Eugene something."

Dina had mentioned that Eugene was known to dabble in treats of a certain variety, but it was still very amusing to Ellie. "It's good."

"Uh-huh. You sure? Your face is fucking red dude."

"Shut up." She brought her knees close to her chest, leaning her chin on top of them as she waited semi-patiently for her muscles to relax. "Why are you being nice to me?" 

Cat blew out some smoke. "I don't know. You're the only person who's talked to me for more than two minutes, I guess." 

"Yeah, well, you're not the nicest person out there, y'know?"

Cat simply chuckled, clearly a bit more out of it by then. Ellie smiled back, leaning her cheek against her knees. "Where'd you go?" she asked, cautious as ever. 

Another wave of smoke. "What?"

"Your dad came looking for you at the library today. Said you ran off or something."

Cat's smile faltered. "Sure he did."

"He did," Ellie stressed. "Looked pretty worried too."

She didn't reply, just ran her tongue across her teeth before sucking in a short breath. "I met your dad by the way," she said, a touch of mockery in her tone. "He's a fucking asshole, huh?"

Joel had only briefly mentioned his encounter with Cat on patrol a few months back and, even without saying much, Ellie could smell his disapproval from a mile away. She had felt it back in Boston too — the resentment building up, pouring from every opening with a severe necessity. Despite this, she immediately felt the need to defend the ground he walked on.  

"He's only an asshole to other assholes." Half true, considering how little she had actually done in the beginning to piss him off, while he still harbored resentment toward her. 

"So I'm the asshole, here?" Cat argued, leaning a bit closer. Her frown cracked pretty soon as she erupted into a fit of tiny giggles and snorts. Ellie couldn't fight a chuckle of her own. "I mean, kind of, yeah." 

Time passed quickly, their giggles turned into a loud and boisterous laughter, booming down the empty street. Her fit of laughter quickly caused her to lean forward, head almost leaning against Ellie's shoulder. Ellie didn't move when the girl looked up at her, deep dark eyes scanning the entirety of her soul. 

"Who the fuck are you?" she asked, still laughing. Ellie, a bit stunned, chuckled awkwardly. "Fuck if I know." 

Cat's features softened, seemingly for Ellie's eyes only. She scanned her face deeply, eyes lowering, her gaze getting stuck somewhere below her nose. 

"You wanna know what I think?" 

Did she?

"I think you're like me." 

Ellie scoffed at that, eyes awkwardly running around her surroundings before finding Cat's again. "The fuck is that supposed to mean?" Somehow, deep down, she knew exactly what it meant, and it scared her because it was true. 

Cat knew it too, eyes still lingering on the spot just below Ellie's nose. Before she could do anything, she was leaning close to her, their hot breaths mixing for a few seconds before soft lips collided with her slightly chapped ones. 

Riley was her first kiss. Ellie didn't remember much, but the memory of Riley's lips, soft and gentle, never seemed to cease. Before that day, the simple idea of a kiss grossed her out. It always looked gross when other people did it; sloppy and possessive. Most people she saw barely kissed on the lips, more often than not sliding down to the other person's neck, then shoulders, arms, and then lower. It was always a thing born out of want or need. 

But it wasn't like that with Riley, and, for some reason, it hurt to admit that it wasn't like that with Cat either.

Much like the kiss with the girl whose eyes had fogged over with fungus, the second it was done, Ellie felt panic. True, terrifying panic. Not for the same reason though. 

"As you all know, the infection is most commonly spread through bites," Her old teacher's —ms. Alvarez's— voice rang out in her head. "In that case, it is not the bite itself that does it, but rather the saliva from the Infected." 

Her mind went blank, the initial fear getting drowned out by the effects of those few puffs slowly making themselves known. Her limbs loosened, almost rendering her immobile as a million thoughts ran through her head. 

Ellie never got to figure out if she could infect people. She bit David, pierced his skin, drew blood, but he never lived long enough to see if it did anything. This was different. It was more direct, closer to the brain, not to mention a hell of a lot more personal. Before she could utter a single word, there was a weird whistle coming from behind them. 

It more closely resembled a predatory howl, sending shivers down her spine as she and Cat turned to face the sound. A few feet away stood a boy, probably no older than sixteen, leaning on wooden crutches with his left leg bandaged. Ellie didn't know the guy, but she recognized the hunger in his gaze, illuminated by street lights. Behind him stood two other guys, roughly the same age as him, snickering and bearing their disgusting teeth at them.

"Oh, no— please, keep at it," the injured one scoffed. "We like to watch."

The group roared in laughter, and Ellie quickly felt exposed. Cat, however, didn't seem to have that issue as she stood up, her knuckles bleached. "Fuck off, Tyler." Her voice was a snap, perhaps a bit exaggerated because of the weed. 

Tyler. Joel had mentioned him as well, telling her all about how he broke his leg on patrol, which, judging by the bandages on the guy's leg, seemed about right. 

Ellie watched in disgust as the boys clasped hands, proudly cheering each other on. One of them, a freckled kid, the tallest and slimmest of the three, took a teasing step forward. "You got room for one more?"

That's when Ellie stood up as well, aligning herself with Cat. Boys like these were all the same: dumb, foul-mouthed assholes, who have never so much as looked at a woman that hadn't birthed them. Cat grabbed her before she could do anything, tugged her along as gravel rumbled beneath their torn sneakers. "They're not worth it."

Ellie wanted to believe her and was about to, she really was, until Tyler's voice called after them.

"Yeah that's right, go cry to your daddy. Let him know his precious little girl is a fucking dyke." 

That stopped her dead in her tracks, the word shattering something that took years to glue back together. Years of self-hatred, confusion and disgust at the thoughts in her head. There was a point when she was around thirteen that she stopped giving a shit. Still, that word clung to her like the fucking plague. 

Cat stopped as well, her eyes searching her face. When she seemed to have grasped what it was that got to her, she softened. "Dude," she whispered but Ellie had already spun on her heels. Tyler was standing closer to them now, leaving his minions somewhere in the back. She eyed him up and down. He was around Jesse's height, though not as muscular. Not to mention his broken leg wasn't gonna serve him well in a fight.

"Oh, did I hit a nerve—?" 

Before he could finish the sentence, Ellie was on him. She balled her hand into a fist, and struck his face, hard, until his mouth was pooling with blood. Now it was only a matter of time before his buddies were on her. She had to act fast. The impact of her punch caused him to loosen his hold on the crutches, and she took the opportunity to yank one from beneath his armpits. That sent him tumbling to the ground, twisted limbs flailing about. Her hold on the wooden crutch tightened as she raised it and brought it down onto his ribs with as much force her fogged mind and heavy muscles could muster. He cried out and she struck him again, and again, and again...

There was a weight on her chest, tackling her to the ground, pinning her in place. One of his friends, a heavier dude with brown hair, jammed her face into the sharp gravel beneath her, scraping her cheek. Before Ellie could react, he had grabbed hold of her braid, lifting her head up and head-butting her so hard they both collapsed to the ground. 

Something warm made its way down her chin, creeping into her mouth until she managed to roll herself over, spitting as much of it out as she could. The guy beside her was still struggling to straighten himself out so Ellie climbed on top of him, her fists raining on his face as well. Another pair of arms grabbed her by the waist, causing her to let out such a shriek it must've shaken the whole town. It was too much, too familiar. 

"Don't fucking touch me!" she screamed for the second time that day. The arms disappeared, sending her back to the ground. There was a sound of clear struggle, flesh hitting flesh coming from behind. She watched as Cat kicked the fucker — Tyler's second buddy — in his back repeatedly. Before wasting any time, Ellie crawled over to Tyler, who was still trying to scramble to his one good foot and proceeded to hit every exposed inch of him. 

All the anger, the horrible fucking nightmares, and the hurt on Joel's face every time she yelled at him; it all went away. Each hit was for David. For planting himself deep into her soul, making her question the love of the best man that had ever lived. And it felt amazing. 

"Ellie!" someone roared her name, tore her away from the boy's now trembling body, and spun her around. Maria's face, inches from her own, looked pale as a ghost's — even in the moonlight. Her trembling hands gripped her shoulders with enough force to make her wince as she shook her lightly. "What in the hell are you doing?"

Ellie looked away for a second, only then noticing the circle of people that had formed around them. Before she could search for Joel amongst the worried faces, Maria turned her chin toward her, eyeing her up and down. After most likely making sure that she was still in one piece, she wrapped her hand around her bicep and started walking them away from the crowd. Ellie tried to turn, to see if Cat was okay, but there wasn't much to see among the sea of faces.  

"Ow!" Ellie hissed and tried to wriggle free. "You're hurting me, let go!" 

Maria's grip loosened ever so slightly but not enough for her to escape. She looked pissed as fuck. It was kinda funny, to be honest. Ellie couldn't help but snort, which Maria didn't seem to appreciate. "What the hell were you thinking, huh?" she demanded. "What's Joel gonna say when I bring you home like this?"

"That I'm a fuckin' badass."

The tiniest smirk appeared on Maria's face, but she wiped it off quickly. Ellie's mind was a fogged mess, her knuckles ached, and she didn't seem to know left from right. But she felt safe. Despite the anger, practically burned onto Maria's features, she knew that she was safe. 

"Where is he?"

"Oh, you'll see him soon enough." 

"Is he gonna yell at me?"

"He better. Or else I will."

"You wouldn't." 

Maria looked down at her, eyes still sharp as knives. She breathed a sigh, either from relief or exhaustion. "No, I guess I wouldn't."

*

Ellie hadn't felt air so thick since her last night spent in the hole. The wooden chair beneath her felt especially uncomfortable, despite it usually being her favorite, as it dug into her thighs. Everything felt so much more...real. Shit. Was this why she stopped smoking?

From her spot in the kitchen, she could barely see some of the commotion at the front door. Her eyes were still fogged up, but she could make out the image of Joel damn near handing Tommy over to Maria like he was a rag doll, muttering something to her in the meantime. Before she knew it, the door shut with a bang loud enough to make her head spin. Despite all the close encounters with Infected or hunters, Ellie had never felt more terrified than she did then. Joel's gaze, a heavyweight, shrinking her into her seat, pinning her there, might've been the most terrifying thing she'd ever seen.

He marched over, gaze pinned on her and only her. Ellie swallowed, desperately searching for an escape. "What's up with Tommy?" she asked, her voice a mere squeak. 

"Don’t you change the subject," he warned in a lowered and dangerously hushed tone, meant only for her. Ellie winced and squirmed in her seat. Then came the silence, disturbed only by the scraping sound of Joel's chair as he pulled it from behind the table. He sat down beside her, forearms perched on his knees, angled in a way that he was looking at the side of her face.

"Look at me."

She didn't.

His heavy palm grabbed the back of her chair and spun it around until she had no choice but to face him. It was the first time she had actually looked at him properly since coming back home. His eyes were glassy, red-edged like he hadn't slept in weeks. It made her want to shrink down more.

He reached out, his gentle fingers slowly tracing the bridge of her nose. "That hurtin' you a lot?" 

No...yes...maybe. She couldn't even tell. The only thing that really hurt was her knuckles, which she skilfully tucked between her thighs and the chair. She shook her head and bathed in the gentleness of his touch as he traced her cheek next. That one did sting a little, and she shut her eyes tighter because of it. Joel removed his hand, cold air replacing the warmth of it, and Ellie couldn't deny how much she missed it. 

"You hurt anywhere else?" 

"Nah, just the usual." It was a weak attempt at humor but Joel didn't so much as muster up a smirk. Instead, his eyes widened as he leaned in, and Ellie realized far too late what it was that pressed that reaction out of him. Before she could move, he grabbed her chin and inspected her eyes further. 

"You've gotta be kiddin' me..." he mumbled before leaning back again. "Weed, Ellie?"

"It was, like, one or two puffs—"

"I don' give a shit. You don' go sniffin' around that stuff. I mean, Jesus, Ellie..." he ran a palm across his face.

"It's not a big deal," Ellie mumbled and watched his face turn to stone. 

"Not a big deal?" he repeated in that way that always sent a shiver down her spine. "You don't eat, you don't sleep, you barely look at me for Christ's sake, and now you come home, with blood drippin' down your face, smelling like a goddamn skunk, and you wanna tell me it ain't a big deal?" 

"Fuck you."

It came out before she could stop it, but she sealed her lips immediately. Fuck, why can't she be fucking normal?

Joel's jaw flexed but there was no screaming, no shouting, and that was scarier than any slap she would've received at FEDRA. Eventually, he continued. "I thought you were smarter than this."

Ouch.

"He started it."

He put a palm in the air, silencing her. "He hit you first?"

"No, but—"

"But nothin'. You don't go picking fights with people, Ellie. We've talked about this." He eyed her up and down before his jaw set, something closer to concern than anger flashing behind his eyes. "This boy," he started carefully, venom lacing his tone. "He been bothering you? 'Cause if he has—"

"No, not before tonight." Ellie slumped back into the chair, crossing her arms across her chest. "He just said something to me."

Joel's eyes sharpened the way they did whenever a hunter got too close. "What'd he say?" 

Ellie's stomach turned as she realized that she had never had the conversation with Joel before. Did he know what dyke meant? Grown-ups usually did. She had asked some adults about it after being called one all her life, and they all treated her differently afterward. Worse, as if she didn't matter anymore because of it.

She had to look it up in a book, and her heart nearly exploded when she figured out the meaning of it. But the realization that the word really did match someone like her, and wasn't just a stupid word like all the others, somehow hurt even more. 

What would Joel think of her? That she was a sin? That's a word people threw at her often, though she didn't know what it meant. He had vowed his unconditional love to her so many times...what if it still had a limit? 

She lowered her head in shame, shaking her head as a desperate signal for him to drop it. Joel's hands found their way up to her cheeks, tugging her face up to face him yet again. "Ellie if that boy hurt you..."

"I'm fine."

"Like hell you are." He swallowed hard, leaning back into his chair. "Look, I can see how much this is botherin' you so can you just spit it out already?"

She just shrugged, begging whatever forces were at bay for this conversation to stop.

"Alright," Joel sighed again, stood, and walked over to the counter. He rummaged through it before pulling out a small bottle and a rag. "Starting tomorrow, you are going to take that journal of yours, and you are going to start writing down every food you eat."

That snapped her out of whatever tantrum was approaching. "What?"

"You're also gonna start writing down your nightmares. You don't gotta read them out loud but I need you to get it out of your system."

"Get it out of my— fuck you, man!" She stood, the chair scraping the hardwood floor. "I'm not doing that!"

"Yes, you are." His tone was sharp, leaving no room for arguments. "Someone has to make sure you stay alive, and I don't see you givin' me much choice here."

There was another insult forming on the tip of her tongue, but she bit it off once Joel took her chin between callused fingers once more, wiping the crusted blood from her lips and chin. The rag stung and reeked of rubbing alcohol but she wouldn’t dare complain. 

“You got lucky there,” he said, voice still edged with fury. “Doesn't look broken.” 

“They weren’t that good at hitting.”

He raised his eyebrows. “They?”

She couldn’t help the proud smirk that formed at the sight of him — looking pretty fucking impressed. Pissed off, but impressed. “There were three guys. I only wanted to fight one.” 

“Right, ‘cause that makes it better.” He gently wiped the blood from her cheek, making her grit her teeth. After finally wiping her face thoroughly enough for his liking Joel buried his head in his hands, breathed into open palms. He looked exhausted. 

Ellie’s smirk faltered immediately, tears welling in her eyes. “Are you…okay?” He didn’t answer, the only movement being the slight rise and fall of his back. “I know you’re mad,” she hurried to explain. “But that guy fucking deserved it. He’s a fucking dick — you said that too — and you always say that I have to stand up for myself or whatever, so you can’t be mad at me for doing what you told me to do—“

“Ellie.” 

His tone shut her up immediately, pressing her further into the chair. She wanted to cry, laugh, scream, anything to make him not mad anymore. 

“What the hell is goin’ on with you?” he asked and she looked away, her gaze pinned to her lap. “You keep throwing up, you don’t hang out with your friends, you don’t talk to me— I mean, do you realize how creepy it is to not hear you talk all day?” 

She smirked at that, though it faded quickly. 

“Ellie,” he asked her name so gently that she couldn’t help but look up at him. “You’re scaring me here.”

The last time Joel told her that she scared him was after David. She couldn’t physically bring herself to talk so she just stared at him. It took a lot of weeks snuggled up beside him for her to realize just how terrifying that must’ve been for him. 

“I’m sorry,” she choked out, barely audible. 

“Don’t be sorry, just—“ he blew out a breath. “Just let me in. Please.”

Ellie felt a tear make its way down her cheek, further stinging the cut that rested upon it. “I don’t want you to hate me.” 

“Ellie—“

”Don’t say that you won’t because everyone does eventually.”

Joel pursed his lips into a thin line. "Since when am I everyone?" When she didn't answer he took her hands in his, his thumb gently brushing along the scrapes and cuts on her knuckles. "Ellie." She wouldn't look at him so he decided on a different approach. "Baby." Asshole. He knew exactly what he was doing. "Nothin' in this world could ever make me hate you. Now, if you need me to tell you that every day of my life, I'll do it. But I'd much rather you get it through that thick skull of yours, yeah?"

Ellie couldn't fight a smirk if she tried, but it was short-lived. He's gonna look at you differently. He's not gonna want you anymore. You fucked it all—

"Back in Boston," she started after a long silence, her voice low and shaky. "Back when I was bitten, I wasn't alone. My best friend was there, and she got bit too." Joel just sat back, letting her talk. Truth was that she kind of hoped he'd interrupt her—give her something else to focus all her attention on. Without that reprieve, she continued. "We didn't know what to do. She said 'Let's just wait it out. We can be all poetic and just lose our minds together.' I'm still waiting for my turn."

She watched as Joel struggled to piece words together. He wanted to comfort her, that much was clear, but if he did, Ellie would've just melted into a puddle of her own tears, so she beat him to it. "Her name was Riley, and she was the first to die. And then it was Tess, Sam..."

"None of that is on you."

"No, but I'm alive and they're not." Her tone sharpened. "I'm alive, and I still don't know why, or how, but I am." Tears started sliding down her cheeks, and she scrambled to try and wipe them off, frustration building up. "I just, fuck, I really loved her, Joel."

They stayed in silence for a long while before her eyes decided to meet Joel's. His palm slowly moved back to her cheek wiping a tear away. "I know you did, kiddo. I'm real sorry."

She blinked, making peace with the words as they befell her. He still didn't get it, and a part of her wanted to leave it there, but she knew that this was the closest she was ever going to get to admitting...that to him.  "No, I mean, I loved her the way I'm supposed to, fucking, I dunno, like guys, or whatever. I don't— like boys, Joel."

His hand froze on her cheek, eyes widening ever so slightly as he took in that information. Ellie watched with bated breath, preparing herself for the inevitable mocking, and chastising that she had been so used to. Before she knew it, he was talking again.

"You—" he froze again, searching for the right word. He closed his eyes, breathing out a sigh of...relief? She was pressed against him within seconds, arm muscle and tendon latching onto every exposed surface of her. "Of course you don't like boys." 

The second that the initial shock from his reaction went away, Ellie allowed her eyes to do as they pleased, sending a soft stream of happy tears down her face. "Are you mad?" She had to make sure, just in case.

"No, you stupid girl," he assured, a soft laugh escaping his lips, before pulling away enough to see her face. He was smiling. Relief like never before flooded her at once, making her dizzy — though that could've been from the weed — and sending her into a frantic rambling. 

"Okay good 'cause I was hanging out with Cat, and she gave me the weed— well, I wanted it— and then we kissed! Actually, she kissed me, and it was so cool, but now I'm scared that I might have infected her, and I don't know what to do—"

"Okay, okay, Ellie, breathe. One word at a time, honey."

She took a deep breath, expanding her lungs as far as they went. "So, we kissed, and Tyler saw us, and he called me a dyke." 

Joel's eyes darkened at once, sending a slight shiver down her neck. "He what?"

"Yeah but then I beat his ass so...I kinda got him back for that." Ellie watched as Joel set his jaw, gritting his teeth so hard she could practically hear it. "What?"

"How much work do you reckon' Maria would spring on me if I broke that kid's other leg?" 

*

They finally settled into bed for the night, Ellie's high gradually easing off. She could tell Joel was still pissed about it but, given everything else that happened, it wasn't his priority. They talked for what felt like hours, putting everything on display. The nightmares, her fight with Dina, Riley, all of it. By the end of it, the sheer relief was enough to put her to sleep right then and there. 

"So, you're sure I didn't infect Cat?"

Joel eyed her from the corner of his eye, his hands still holding the book about space that he sometimes read her before sleep. An Idiot's Guide To Space; Ellie picked that one out. "You see any mushrooms growin' on you, girl?"

"Well, I still don't know what my immunity means! All we have are those stupid scans from the hospital." She leaned her head on his shoulder, fighting off sleep. "I want to talk to the doctor."

Joel slowly closed the book, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Ellie—"

"Just talk to him. Talk to him and see if they can do some tests on me that won't kill me or something. I just...I need to know." He looked hesitant so she wrapped her arms around his biceps. "Please, Joel." 

He let out a low, exhausted sigh. "Fine. I'll talk to him— but don't get your hopes up, alright? The second I smell danger I'm getting you outta there, you got that?" He gave her a small smile and placed the book on his bedside table, tugging Ellie along with him. 

She tugged at the edge of his sleeve, big eyes prodding into his. "Swear it."

Joel looked at her for a very long time before nodding. "I swear. 

It was an unwritten rule between them: a swear must never be broken. So far, they had both held up their end of the deal well enough. Satisfied and exhausted, Ellie slid down from Joel's shoulder and onto the mattress, welcoming the gentle kiss that landed on her head. She was snuggled up to him within seconds, and he wasted no time before wrapping his arms around her. 

"You know," he whispered just before she was about to doze off. "We're gonna need to have a little chat about you an' Cat." 

Ellie's eyes shot open almost immediately. "What kind of chat?"

“I, uh, y'know— I know you're a growin' girl and I know you can get...curious..."

"Ew— ew— no, fuck you I'm not listening!" She quickly threw the comforter over her head, pressing down as hard as possible. "I'm, uh, I'm actually gonna go, yeah, I'm gonna go sleep in my room."

She wrapped herself into the blanket like a burrito before sliding out of bed, slowly shimming her way to the door. Joel's laughter rang around the room. 

"Can I at least get my blanket back?"

"Get your own fucking blanket."

Chapter Text

Owen was missing. Days morphed into weeks, going by without a peep and, despite what Abby thought, time didn’t stop because of it. The house still creaked the same, almost begging to collapse in on itself. She and her father didn’t speak. They hadn’t since she had threatened to run off, though he wasted tireless hours trying to mold them like clay; shape them back into orbit. It didn’t work, and Abby was happy to make that known. 

“He’s a coward,” Jordan told her.

“He worries,” said Mel. 

Abby couldn’t figure out which was meant for her father and which for Owen. They were both cowards in her eyes, too scared to stand by their choices which, inevitably, hurt everyone involved. They worried too, that much was clear. 

Jerry mostly worked night shifts now, not counting those few instances — when patrollers poured in, one by one, shot, scraped, or beaten to the brink of consciousness — when dr. Chang didn’t suffice. After the number of injured folk began rising to double digits, her dad begged and pleaded with her to give up patrolling for a week or so, breaking the silent treatment for the first time in days.

“Let things cool down a bit,” he’d said. “We don’t know what’s out there yet.” 

That shoved her nose out of the old copy of City of Thieves, held together only by a worn cover and a few pages that somehow always felt a bit damp to the touch. When the two of them weren’t completely silent, they powered through screaming matches until their throats bled. He knew what he was starting with this poor attempt at civilicy, but he tried regardless. Abby almost pitied him because of it. Almost.

“Were people bitten?” she asked bitterly, turning the page with enough force to tear it out. 

Jerry’s lips parted slightly, opening and closing as her voice reached him after weeks of silent glares, before speaking. “I mean…no. Not really.”

“Well, then it’s raiders. There, we know what’s out there.” Abby could feel him just dying to interject and give her a million little life lessons until her head exploded, so she carried on before he got the chance. “I can handle raiders. I’m good with a gun.” She looked at him then, her stare ice cold, pinning him in his spot. “Must run in the family.”

She watched his face crumble at that, allowing herself the small sense of victory that washed over her at the sight. 

Her theory was proven right when she overheard Sean and Isaiah — she was getting better at remembering people’s  names now — talking at supper. 

“Guys said they found another mass grave up North,” Sean mumbled between bites. 

“Ours?” 

“Nah, don’t think so. Some family— ‘bout six of ‘em just…mangled up together. The kids too. Fuckin’ creepy, man.” 

Abby swallowed the last bite of dinner like it physically hurt, her mind wandering. Owen was out there and, even after everything, she worried. He was capable, sure, but who wasn’t? Nobody stepped foot outside of the town walls without carrying, meaning there wasn’t a soul in this world who couldn’t shoot a gun. It was a fun guessing game — to see who could do it better — until it was you at the end of the barrel, your friend, your…whatever. 

Supper was cut short, old ladies shoving kids and teenagers out to rearrange the tables. Apparently there was some sort of dance happening later that night, meaning that the dining hall would be off limits at least until morning. 

There were few places to hide in Jackson. The church basement, reserved for old people in the morning and horny teenagers at night, or the graveyard behind it, that was always too full of grieving faces, came to mind. There was a bar that she wasn’t allowed in, especially if Seth was working. Once in a blue moon, the old fucker wouldn’t come in so they’d put Moses in his place, which could get her a full case worth of beer if she was lucky. 

It had only dawned on her then, as she made her way down the strangely empty street, how many places she actually remembered. How many names she attached to faces of passers-by, and how many offered hers back. During the first weeks, Abby was simply dr. Anderson’s girl to these people. Since then the title had almost vanished from their vocabularies. It didn’t feel nice or rewarding to be known. It felt cruel, planned like some sick joke that she wasn’t in on. And she wondered, time and time again, why this town? This haven for rotten souls to rest, that just kept on giving…

….until it couldn’t anymore.

A crowd of people stood by the main gate, residents passing hushed whispers beneath bated breaths. Abby stood on the sidelines for a moment, curiosity quickly taking hold, leading her through the sea of faces until she found one that stuck out.

“What’s going on?” she asked, her voice a little louder than the rest.

Mel whispered back, guiding her gaze to the top of the wall, swarmed with more armed guards than usual. “There are people requesting entrance — but they can’t let them in.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

Mel shrugged. “Not enough space apparently. The people outside…I don’t know, they’re threatening to force their way in or something.” 

“What, like, shoot at us?” Abby asked, looking up and down the structure in front of them. “Raiders?”

“I— I don’t know. You think they’d hurt our people and then expect a home here?”

Abby almost laughed. Our people. “They’ve let worse people in.” 

Mel didn’t respond. Past the shadows cast by the brick and stone before them, a figure emerged from the stables. Someone important, Abby figured once the hushed whispers ceased. A man —it was always a man — dressed in denim, blonde hair tied into a small ponytail marched up the stairs, shotgun in hand. His features dimmed; a stark contrast to the man who had shown them around Jacskon the day they’d arrived. A flash of panic and something close to contentment sparked behind her eyelids at the confirmation that, like his brother, Tommy Miller pushed his way through life afraid. Violent tendencies vibrated off them the second any idea of peace was violated; guns drawn, white knuckles clenched as a last resort at power. 

It was comforting to see that the anger they blossomed into existence could so easily be written off as fear. As much as the idea of her father pressing the barrel of a gun at Marlene shrunk her stomach into such a small thing, Abby knew how brave it was of him. Bravery was more dignified than fear, meaning that, essentially, that tiny detail was enough to separate him from the Miller’s — paint him as something better. Cleaner. It had to be, otherwise she would never sleep again. 

Abby watched as men swarmed him, each one yelling something that was too far away to hear. Must’ve been something about the crowd because within seconds of his arrival, folks abandoned their posts to make room for him, climbing  down the stairs and urgently rushing the people away. Some of them left cussing, arguing for their place and involvement in this, but most went with ease.

“You think it’s serious?” Mel asked as they walked away with no destination in mind. “Cause if those are the same guys who shot ours—”

“Jesus, would you stop saying that?” Abby almost snapped, her voice a warning. “They’re not ours. If it was you or me who got shot out there — I guarantee none of these fuckers would care.” 

Mel halted her steps, taking a moment to look her up and down, judgment clouding her brown eyes. Abby stopped a few paces ahead, squinting. “What? It’s true.”

“You know, I’m starting to think you enjoy being fucking miserable all the time,” she passed through clenched teeth. “God, Abby, you get a fucking roof over your head and food on the table and you’re telling me you wouldn’t fight for that? You haven’t seen it, okay? I have. Your dad has. And this fucking grudge you’re holding against him— it’s getting old.”  

She stood there, frozen, shame pooling at the back of her throat. Thinning her lips into a line, she nodded and spoke with conviction. “How are you so okay with what he did?”

Her dad, Owen, Joel, it didn’t matter who she was talking about anymore. Nothing was going to change regardless. Mel heaved a sigh, exhaustion seeping into her tone: 

“Because I get it. And so would you if you thought about it for more than two fucking seconds—”

“How many graves did we dig that day? Did you keep count? ‘Cause I did.”

With a sharp shake of her head, Mel quickened her steps, almost racing  in front of her. She didn’t relent. “Thirty-six. He fucking helped us dig, Mel. You don’t see how fucked up that is?”

Mel was silent for a long time, marching up the stairs of her front porch. “I can’t — Abby I’m not having this conversation again.” She tried closing the door behind herself but Abby wedged her foot in the doorframe and let herself in. Her friend didn’t fight her, just rolled her eyes. 

Abby stammered for a few seconds, her words slurred with frustration and grief. “Why does everyone act like I’m the crazy one here? Fucking — don’t you want justice?”