Archive of Our Own

The last few weeks were terribly exhausting.

Her parents had been away ever since last month, bidding farewells with promises of arriving on time as they went. That by itself wasn’t an issue, she knew how to organize ceremonies, down to the exact type of fabric she should use for the ribbon decoration. Besides, it’s not like they didn’t give her precise instructions before traveling. 

She sighed as she entered the plaza once more, right at the center of the castle, a sight for anyone to see behind caged gates or open windows. Soon, it would be full of life, the sleepless nights of filling reports and making sure the most beneficial guests would be able to attend were all for this. 

To be honest, she had already forgotten every name on that list. 

No matter, though, she could simply reread the guest list before the celebration, and act as if she knew them all along.

For now, she simply needed to check the place during the night. She wasn’t sure why, but the wide empty space made her feel something she wasn’t sure had a name. Normally, such space would’ve been useless. It wasn’t like the castle didn’t already have a place for indoor balls or a beautiful garden to show off. This was merely a legacy of a past no one had to remember, thought-to-be important people that no longer served as a mere footnote in her books. 

And yet, this was the place she chose. It wasn’t something she put a lot of thought into, but still, to be standing there, all alone in the middle of the night, with only a fountain at the center to keep her company…

It almost made it all seem more like a dream. 

Mafuyu didn’t dare moving an inch, she simply stood, knowing that at least here, she could pretend she didn’t exist.

Today was January 26th, thirty minutes before midnight.

Tomorrow is her coronation day. Tomorrow, her parents will arrive. Tomorrow, she would no longer be just a princess.

Coincidentally, tomorrow is also her execution day.

Yet still, Mafuyu refused to budge. 

— January 23rd —

But in the end, she would have to. The traffic light turns red. If she didn’t move, the crowd would carry her with it either. 

But maybe that would be fine.Her body knew the way too well by now, she could let her mind wander for a while. After spending the whole day doing an exam, Mafuyu would allow herself that luxury, liking or not. 

Mizuki would probably love that, they were always the one to send links upon links of “things we should do!” as if skydiving was an actual option for any of them. She could picture them now, finding yet another activity for the group under the guise of inspiring Kanade or a well-deserved celebration for a successful song. 

Kanade probably would hesitantly agree, Mafuyu decides. She was trying to go out more often, after all. Ena… it honestly depended on what would be suggested, maybe she’d bicker, maybe she would eventually agree to it. Sometimes Mizuki would get shut down just as quickly by either of them, she wasn’t sure, the chat would have already moved on when Mafuyu got a chance to read it.

She felt a pang in her chest. It went ignored. 

She has been ignoring a lot of things as of lately. 

Maybe Ena would have something to say for that. Her mother insisted that social media wouldn’t contribute to her studies but it surely taught Ena a few things here and there. 

“People use those platforms a lot for self-promotion, I’ve been seeing a few.” Ena scrolled through her phone. “Like here, this one is a fitness coach. K could try to follow his tips.” She heard a hum as Kanade fiddled with her maybe broken humidifier. “Or here, this one is a new cafe opening soon, and- oh, you’re already following it, Amia.”

“Just did! Unlike Enanan, I can get the news pretty fast thanks to my amazing skills like working and socializing.” 

“Tsk. Not my problem if I can live perfectly well without them,” She glared. “And besides, someone has to work on drawing assets because a certain editor has been taking extra shifts.”

“Ouch, I just got exposed…” Mafuyu sighed, moving her mouse to just mute the call. “Oh, but Yuki!” She stops. “We were meaning to show you something.”

“What is it?” 

“It’s nothing much, just reminded me of you.” She watched Ena through the webcam, typing something before a notification popped up on her own screen. “Here.”

“A psychology site?”

“Yeah, saw someone talking about reasons someone could not be tasting food, and one thing led to another.”

“Actually, Enanan commented about it, and I mentioned it to a friend of mine.” Kanade sheepishly set a screwdriver down before picking another. “She likes to read about psychology, I think.” A click. “Amia, do you want to take a look too or…?”

“Sure, sure, just send me a picture.” They stopped moving the mouse, probably still editing. “We found tons of things like that, maybe you could read and see if you relate to it?” 

Wordlessly, she skimmed through each main title, nothing in particular was standing out but maybe she could pick one out at random just to be polite? Or simply because they did go through the effort to do this, she knows she should at least be grateful. 

“L'appel-”

“- du vide.” Mafuyu blinked, stopping right before a railing. Did her daydreaming lead to a detour? This was worrisome, the curfew would be broken if she didn’t turn around right now. Even worse, staying in a place like this alone and during the night was a risk her parents would never want her to take, even if Mafuyu was certain she was at least strong enough to handle it, it better was to simply leave. 

As she turned, her head tentatively turned to the dark river right under her. The bridge wasn’t particularly tall, anyone could look down and fall just as quickly. That was the attractive thing about it, Mafuyu muses. At this hour, it attended the perfect qualifications for a literal call of the void: pitch black, calming, accessible. She could see why anyone would want to write about this phenomenon, even if ultimately useless, it’s maybe comforting to know that the impulse to jump was common, normal , it was easier to ignore, that way.

Her hands delicately touched the railings. In tandem, the water crashes against the bridge, there’s almost no force to it. If Mafuyu was a little more imaginative, perhaps she would find companionship in that.

It wasn’t all that peaceful, however. There were still passersbys, cars, and loud noises threatening to drown this moment. Maybe that was why her Sekai had to be empty– there was no way she could fully think otherwise. She hated and loved the white noise, it stopped any stupid thoughts from penetrating her mind, and reminded herself of her role right now, of the things she should be doing.

For a second, she pulls out her phone, checking the time. 9:38 PM flashed brightly, today’s curfew was set to 10 PM as a courtesy of leaving Mafuyu enough time to do her mock exams and small groceries for her mother. She tried to calculate how much longer the extra walk would take but it was all blank. She couldn’t focus. 

This told her enough. She pulled away and let the crowd guide her once again.

Hopefully, Mafuyu would think of an excuse for her lateness on the way. To who? Beats her.

“... and they were out of salmon but I’ll try to go to another store on the way back tomorrow.” Mafuyu pulls another carton of milk and places it in the fridge. It’s the last one before finally being able to eat dinner. Latenight groceries weren’t that common but as of lately, her need for longer stays extended her curfew, and, as if compensating, meant more chores.

“Mm-hm, it can’t be helped, any convenience store would be emptier by the end of the month.” Her mother’s back is turned, similarly finishing their nightly chores, but she could hear a slight smile in that voice, Mafuyu correctly guessed what to say. It’s not a relief. “More importantly,” Mafuyu froze. “How was the exam?”

“Ah, that institution doesn’t go easy on any of us– it was quite hard. But thankfully, I’ve gotten better at finding a pattern in the format of the exams. That, and my studying proved to be enough.” She hopes. What did she even study again?

“I see…” Her mother settled a lone plate on the table. “You do look tired. Are you sure that you’re resting properly?” 

“You did get lost on the way as well… Mafuyu, are you overworking yourself?” Her father finally chimed in, stopping in the hallway. 

“Ah- not at all, dad!” Her gaze was forced to stay on him for a few extra seconds, just to drive her point. “Maybe the extra walk did take a little of a toll but I’ll simply sleep early today. It’ll make a funny story too.” Laughter escaped her lips like a weird quirk she couldn’t get rid of and a spell that told people everything would be okay. 

And then tension dissipated, just like that. Carefully crafted cheerfulness wins once again.

She ate alone that night, Nightcord was exploding with notifications right beside her. 

Right. Them.

Yuki: I’m not feeling well tonight, I don’t think I’ll be able to log in. The lyrics are almost done, I’ll try to finish it at least before tomorrow’s meeting. Goodnight.

It’s been months since she last saw her synthesizer. 

It’s been months since they had Nightcord meetings for longer than one hour with her involved.

Correction: It’s been months since Mafuyu Asahina was downgraded* from part-time musician to freelance lyricist, her status as a full-time honor student continued.

Correction: *upgraded.

Mafuyu didn’t frown at the mistake, she simply crossed the word and continued

She had work to do.

No. That wasn’t right. Why wasn’t she bothered? A mistake could cost her allies, cause a rift so severe it led to war. War leads to ruin. Ruin leads to a hollow meaning behind the Asahina family. And to do that to their lineage was just…

Mafuyu suddenly felt suffocated, the cold air ready to solidify all at once around her, fittingly making her no more than a statue. The thought wasn’t disturbing to her. In fact, perhaps life would continue as always if she died as soon as she sat on the throne. It wouldn’t be hard to impersonate her, right? There were so many hermit kings, wasn't there a princess who was never even seen? She probably died. In the end, what matters is the symbol of power, not who holds it. 

So, if Mafuyu were to stand still forever, everything would be fine.

The sound of the river echoes in the distance, somehow surpassing the cacophony of the quiet forest closing in the palace. Everything looked as tall as it was when she was but a child, not like she herself remembers it anyways, it was but a passing thought.

K: don’t worry about it, just focus on resting, were your exams okay? 

Yuki: They were fine. We’re still waiting for the results but I probably did as expected.

K: i’m sure you did

Yuki: Most likely, then.

K: most likely.  

She probably should leave. There’s so much to be done still, Mafuyu wasn’t sure what or who she was waiting for to be there for that long.

K: nonetheless, you don't need to worry, our next song is almost done, we can manage to wait 

K: amia and enanan miss you, by the way

She stops. 

K: i mean, they talk about you a lot 

Yuki: I see, it sounds just like them.

K: hah, it does, doesn’t it?

Kanade is typing for too long. Then stopping. And then goes back to it. Mafuyu sets down her phone, trying to not wonder why the hesitation.

There’s someone in the forest. They walk slow, relaxed steps, not minding the noise they made as they passed. Mafuyu followed the sound, distant as it was, but now that she did notice them, she couldn’t ignore it.

In fact, she’s quite interested.

As a child, skipping through the plaza, twirling and singing without a care in the world was easy. Under the watchful eyes of the Sun, she was rejuvenated. As an adult (semi), her feet slided with grace, refusing to leave the floor for long, gravity heavily felt through her own awareness of it.

Mafuyu touched the gate to the dismay of a part of herself. It was supposed to be locked, but the wind opened the small gap further. Someone made a mistake, she guessed.

Time shrunk. Her phone lights up, soft vibrations shook on her desk. Mafuyu spots a silver figure. Mafuyu looks at the screen, it’s Kanade. She doesn’t know why but she walks towards it. Mafuyu reaches for the phone and-

The wind shrieks and she catches nothing. Nothing but air, precious air. Her hand is still stretched but there’s no balance anymore, no grace on her stance, so she-

She opens Nightcord.

K: i left a demo on our shared folder, it’s not nearly done yet, but im sure i can get it done soon

She falls.

Yuki: No rush.

The typing resumes.

She wakes up, drenched, torn up by the current. Her arm shifts in an attempt to stand up, only to be met with blinding pain. Mafuyu bit back the scream building up in her throat. 

Instead, she simply breathed.

The sounds coming out of her mouth honestly were a lot worse than the exposed fracture in her right arm. Not a sob or a pathetic whimper, but a damn hyperventilation, as if her body was desperately trying to convince the world that she was anything near panicked, but this wasn’t quite right. Yes, she couldn’t feel her legs, somehow broke her arm, definitely hit her head on a rock, but it didn’t concern her.

She wants to move . To walk - no, run - in the same direction she came from. It’s obvious there won’t be any castles, but maybe a town– one of those nobody will think of when looking for their princess (queen?). It’s possible that the people there won’t even recognize her, they may just as well see a broken girl (woman?) and consider it a lost cause. They could eye her with even some suspicion and kill her on the spot. At least that way, Mafuyu wouldn’t have to think about how disgraceful it was to know her entire reign was spent on a bed. 

Maybe she could find a bear on the way, that would be easier. 

It was ironic how much her body was terrified compared to the mind, and yet, in its attempts to calm itself, she couldn’t even properly think. It was like even her defense mechanisms were left on defective automatic. The least Mafuyu could do was to look around. She wasn’t very imaginative, so if she was going to die having delusions, she needed some point of reference.

The water was still touching her legs. The current looked so weak– how did it even do that much damage to her? Squinting a little, it was possible to make out a few black spots swimming idly by her, going back and forth as if to assess what was that alien object on their way. Those were likely either small fishes or tadpoles. She couldn’t feel it, though, so maybe this was all an illusion. She turns to the side.

A fish. 

Mafuyu blinks, but the fish unfortunately couldn't return the favor. Lack of eyelids aside, it looked pretty dead. 

That was disappointing, a childish part of her thought, like blaming a fish for its death was reasonable. Like Mafuyu wasn't in a similar predicament herself. 

Her parents mentioned something about great leaders taking their time to study the environment. Some preferred bugs, others hunted cheerfully. There was a king Mafuyu recalled studying about, whose kingdom was in shambles and the prospect of a coup wasn’t a matter of if but when by then. But when historians got a hold of his alleged diary, it reported absolutely nothing for each day a new protest broke out. Most insight one could gather from those pages were simple descriptions of his huntings. It painted not an image of a proud king concerned for the state of his land but an ignorant man whose eyes were clouded by hedonism. 

It wasn't hard to consider the possibility that it wouldn't be wise to write down such intimate things, it could be seen as a source of weakness or just plain stupid. But, in the end, that’s the mark that king would leave, no? One of incapacity, one of child-like wonder. 

How would her mother’s diary look like if she were to disappear? Would it soon be full of their efforts to look for their heir to no avail? Or would she simply never write anything? Would that mean that Mafuyu would soon become a non sequitur in history? 

Mafuyu ponders, but realization never hits. 

So Mafuyu stays on the ground. 

“Poor thing.” Mafuyu’s eyes drift towards the voice. Her body protested, screaming that if anything else wasn’t broken, she was about to make sure it would. Not that it matters, her mind retorted, if she was going to die anyway.

“It crashed here. I think it tried to fight against the current but with the amount of rocks, it eventually was thrown against one and flew over here.” The ghostly girl looked over. “I think it didn’t die immediately– you were unconscious though, couldn't have possibly done anything.”

“...”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

She nods, or attempts to. 

“Mafuyu, it wasn’t your fault.”

Mafuyu nods.

“... right now, you’re far, far away from everything you’ve come to know. I’m sorry this can’t make sense no matter how much we think it over, and I'm sorry I wasn’t there to help you sooner."

"It's okay." Mafuyu intoned gently.

"If it was, would you even be here?"

"Probably. I tripped."

"Did you?" The girl sat beside her. It felt weirdly personal, which probably came with the exchange of words between a soon-to-be dead girl (girl.) and a possibly already dead one. "I can't discard that possibility, but somehow, it doesn’t feel right to call it an accident." She smiles placidly. "Regardless of how I feel, what matters is what I'll do from now on."

"I don’t think you can help me." Mafuyu tries to move a little more, laying on her side wasn’t helping in the slightest. It hurt like hell, unfortunately. Forget the fact her organs were likely misplaced, much to her chagrin. "I can't move very well, and I imagine it'd be much worse if you were to do anything." Mafuyu returns the smile, small, reserved, but hopefully reassuring. 

"True." She patted the wet mud staining her clothes. The sound, however, seemed to follow a tempo, like an instrumental to that girl's humming. It stirred something in Mafuyu, concurrently like the small will to live and the crushing complacency of death. "As I am, I can't even touch you. If I had tried to reach out at the clearing, you'd still end up hurt."

"You were there?"

"Do you think I was?" Silence. "It's okay to not know. I can't offer you answers though, and my touch would be fatal."

"Any would." Was Mafuyu's non-committal offer.

"Any would." She nods without looking at Mafuyu. "But while mine could kill you instantly, I know people who would be slower. Who knows? Maybe you'd find life easier if your path to death wasn't swift."

"Are you calling for help?"

"I already did."

Mafuyu looks up. The sky was clear, she had no way of telling how long she had been stuck here with this silver ghost.

“She’s a friend.” The girl stands up. “I hope you two can get along. And I hope the both of us never meet again, and, if we do, I’ll hope we never meet next time, and the next. Until you aren’t more than a corpse. Then, we’ll definitely part.”

K: i’m sorry, i’m rambling.

K: iirc, you’ll have to do club work tomorrow, right? good luck with it 

She closed her eyes, letting the pain wash over her. It wasn’t numbing. The agonizing of a slow death could never go over her head. How dare she assume it would? What a petulant child she was. 

K: good night, yuki, we’re rooting for you

Violet eyes open to the sound of wood creaking and singing.

The hum is generic, repeated crescendos followed by occasional rhythmic thumbs on what she supposes is the floor, almost as if someone was dancing if only they weren’t so consistent. Dancing was supposed to be coordinated, each step filled with a purpose she didn’t quite know of but knew how to follow it like she did. However, those were for people like her, she doubts the owner of this place was anything like that. 

She recalls her mother doing the same, once. Dancing to a tune that Mafuyu didn’t particularly care for. It wasn’t as vibrant as the colorful songs of shows she eagerly waited to see on TV, but it also wasn’t anything a five year old would typically remember. But, she thought of the hums, the tapping of her mother’s feet, she smiled at Mafuyu then, it was rare to see her mother with such high energy for no reason at all. In her childish mind, Mafuyu gave it no deeper thought, it was just a good thing her mother was happy. 

Mafuyu wasn't sure if that happened, years later, now stuck on a bed with no recollection of a life that went beyond tall white buildings and heavy jewelry. 

The room was bare, walls hastily painted white with some spots more transparent than others - she could even see some brush marks, strangely, it varied in size, as if it was a good idea to randomly use smaller tools - and stopping around any furniture, making an outline. Beside her was a nightstand with no drawers. There were holes where you'd usually put a drawer in, sure, but that was it. On top of it, sat a vase filled with dried, colorful flowers.

Tentatively, she reached for it, finding that the movement was strained but painless, but only barely touching one of the petals from where she laid. It seems that surviving an already rare accident wasn’t the last set of odds she was playing with. To boost, she now had to accept that her likely fatal injuries were now magically gone.

Even with the slightest of touches, just being able to feel something other than the comfort of a bed was grounding enough to start making sense of all of this. With that, came in the questions. This clearly wasn't anything like she'd seen of the usual structure within the bounds of the kingdom. If it wasn't familiar, she couldn't help but wonder the logistics of drifting that far, that was, if the clearly active host’s footsteps didn’t start getting closer.

Mafuyu immediately snapped back, letting go of the flowers and sat up. The abrupt movement wasn’t exactly comfortable for her joints but - to her relief - it wasn’t painful.

“Oh!” Said the cheerful girl, as she pushed the door with her back, hands full with a simple tray. “You woke up again! And so soon too.”

“Again?” Mafuyu said, softly.

“So you don’t remember?” She sat on the edge of the bed, giving Mafuyu a chance to actually see the contents of the tray. To her surprise, it carried a mortar and a pestle with a strange substance already in it, as well as a cup of… something. A greenish liquid similar in tone with the mentioned mixture. 

“I’m afraid I don’t… but I gather you’re the one who has been taking care of my injuries?”

“You’d be correct! Although it wasn’t anything serious, you were fairly healthy by day two.”

A beat.

“Day… two…?”

“Oh dear, you really don’t remember, poor thing.” The sincere look of concern sent shivers down Mafuyu’s spine, as if the likelihood of spending at least three days away from everything she knew wasn’t enough. “Let’s start from the beginning, then. My name is Shizuku, I’m a wi- medic . And, well, I live near the river where I found you.”

“I see!” She barely does. “And how long have I been here?”

“About four days? If my calendar is right, today is the 27th.”

Huh?

“Huh?”  

“Yes, but as I said, you quickly healed from your injuries. It was around then that you started drifting in and out of consciousness.”

“But it seems that we spoke before, right?”

“Yes!” Shizuku’s eyes sparkled. “We discussed so much! You even helped me with some of my experimental medicine!” She gestured towards the materials still resting on her legs. “Such a delightful guest, even if you forgot, I’m quite grateful, Miss Yuki.”

“Ah…” Mafuyu tried to hide her confusion, not sure where to even begin. 

Four days? 

Perhaps Shizuku really had some dates mixed up, because she knew for absolute sure that she almost died on the 26th. But that doesn’t explain the injuries, the pale girl, her newfound amnesia and- Yuki? Maybe it was a made-up name to hide her status, it made sense. She could play along for now. “It really seems like we had fun, didn’t we? I have some minimal knowledge on the field so it’s hard to imagine me matching up with a true professional.”

“You told me something similar when we began, but you have an eye for it. Almost like you were born for this.” She lifted the cup. “For example, this one is supposed to energize you. It’s not exactly medical but we also created simpler things.”

“Were you about to show it to me, then?”

“Ah, not really. You see, I was half-expecting for you to be asleep for a few more hours, and in case I wasn’t home…”

Mafuyu eyed the drink, still uneasy. But she knew Shizuku would worry even more if Mafuyu didn’t take it, so she did.

“You don’t have to drink it right now, though, we ate lunch not too long ago, and- Miss Yuki? Are you okay?”

She was about to say that she was fine, that there wasn't anything wrong, but the words were stuck in her throat, a pit of anxiety tightening her very being. Half of a day. She didn’t even have half of one to go home, there was no time. No good explanation. Nothing. Her parents, who had taken the time to see their daughter assuming the throne and here she was. Apparently in no rush to go back, as the month was nearly ending.

“Breathe.” Mafuyu felt a hand on her shoulder. “It must be overwhelming, but I want to help as best as I can.” Mafuyu feels like Shizuku and her were not thinking of the same things but regardless, she suppressed the urge to flinch, hesitantly raising her hand to gently touch Shizuku’s hand.

“I’m fine.” Mafuyu smiled. “I just remembered, I have something important to do back home. I’m- thankful for your kindness, but I need to go today.”

“...” Shizuku is staring at her, a frown starting to form. 

“... Shiz-”

“Okay.” She smiles sadly. “I'm still a little worried about your health, so, at least allow me to pack for you. Rest here, for now.” She got up, still looking at Mafuyu. “I hope to meet you again, however.”

“Of course, thank you for your patronage.” 

“I… noticed you seemed troubled sometimes, over the days we spent together,” The girl avoided eye contact as she spoke, fidgeting as she picked up the tray she had left at the bed. “And I’m aware we may be even more strangers than before, but I’ll gladly welcome you if you ever need it.” Shizuku looked up, eyes shining dimly. “Good luck, Yuki.”

Mafuyu’s grip on the cup twitched. She should say something. Or maybe just smile. Or maybe avoid it all with a practiced sip despite the still very real danger.

She does neither.

Oh the way out, Shizuku, again, chimes in: “A friend of mine mentioned that I needed to give a princess a little memento, can I trust you to deliver it?”

“O-of course.”

As soon as she could, Mafuyu tossed the liquid out of the window.

— January 24th —

Typically, if one were to ask, the reason you do something in your free time could be for two reasons:


           a) It’s something that will enrich your life in some way, be it spiritually, academically, physically, etc.

           b) You simply enjoy it, no deep thoughts necessary.

So, let’s say, you fit in group A without a shadow of a doubt– what does that say about you? Well, you’re most likely an ambitious person who stops at nothing to fulfill your goals even at the expense of your precious free time. Yes, it may be tough to do something whose results only will start showing after an unholy amount of time but you still do it! Group As in the world who are reading this right now, don’t give up! Your efforts will pay off! 

Ah, but one may wonder “in that case, what’s the point of group Bs?!” and for that, I say: Everyone, what is the point of stopping in the middle of your busy day to read this? Don’t you feel guilty that you could be a functional member of society and instead are wasting limited time for silly little me? Don’t be! Who cares? Really, group Bs are the bravest of us all, willing to ignore whatever people say is the “best” and focus on what makes them happy. I mean, with indulgence, won’t you also get some insight of who you are as a person? At least, that’s how we as children figured out our passions, right? Groups Bs, go be happy.

Does it bother you that we are implying that one cannot be both? I’d hope so. Group As and Bs really aren’t that divided after all. What started as a hobby can turn into a long-term investment, just like what started as a chore can turn into your most passionate of passions. Sometimes indulging too much can lead Group Bs to never do anything with their lives, just like Group As may hyperfocus on their goals, which leads one to lose track of why are they even-

“Good afternoon! I’m so sorry for making you wait, Asahina-san.” She sets down her bags as she hears rustling beside her.

“It’s quite alright, Hinomori-san, you did warn me beforehand.” Shizuku is kneeling beside her bow, pulling out a hair tie. “Oh? Did something happen?” Probably another dancing practice for her idol career, Mafuyu guesses. She can’t picture any other way for Shizuku’s hair to get that messy. Unless her younger sister’s mumblings were right… no. Shizuku wasn’t anywhere near gigantic fans, it’s fine. 

Something must have shown on her face by the way Shizuku stared at her before laughing. 

“We had a bit of an impromptu live, I thought it would cheer us up during practice but that meant the viewer count was lower than usual. It was cozy though, we got to talk more with everyone, Minori-chan looked so happy too…” Shizuku said, voice filled with fondness. “Coincidentally, it was a viewer’s birthday so we got the idea to buy confetti from a nearby store and celebrate!” She lifted some stray hair on her side. “Some of it got in my hair though, heheh, I made sure to shake it off but look! Here goes one falling off.”

It felt rude not to laugh, so she did. “I see … an impromptu party for an impromptu live. Your fans must love the spontaneity.” And it felt rude not to join in the joke, so she did. 

It was always like this with her classmates. Politeness seen without filters is just the same as friendliness. The right intonation here and there, some poignant laughs, and a decent amount of insight is the perfect formula for keeping the conversation alive. Mafuyu mastered the art of social etiquette if only for those settings, keeping the perfect image of an ordinary schoolgirl is as easy as breathing for her. 

With Shizuku, it felt no different. The same song and dance, although she could at least say that they were connected by something other than schoolwork, or that, in recent times, Shizuku has made an effort to get to know her better. That’s something she should appreciate, right? Be thankful , people care about you , don’t idly mention that you think your eye popped off of your skull, that’s creepy, you’re creeping me out, Mafuyu . She may be exaggerating that last one, she would never casually voice such unnerving thought. She had the sense to know they were nothing but a natural impulse some may have for morbidity.

… or not. She's feeling sick.

Passively, she processed that Shizuku laughed and remarked something about Mafuyu’s joke. She wasn’t paying that much attention anyways, they were here to practice, and so, Mafuyu got her own bow and awaited her partner, who was still preoccupied with her bags for some reason. 

Her mind wanted to drift off again, it seemed. It’s been trying to do just that ever since her walk to school and persisted even as she changed to her club’s uniform. Mafuyu wondered if she could fix that. It would be a big issue if this got in the way of her studies, and, if her stunt on the bridge wasn’t enough, it could get in the way of simple daily tasks she couldn’t afford to miss out on. Yesterday, Mafuyu managed to send a miserable draft of lyrics to Kanade, but what about next time? Will she spend another 2 hours just staring at the ceiling? 

What was the point of worrying anyways? Kanade promised to make a song that would save her. In turn, all Mafuyu had to do was live. There was no need to go that far into helping herself. And yet, that sort of thinking also wouldn’t work. 

She followed Shizuku as both made their way to the shooting range. Her bow felt strangely sticky today, as did the single arrow on her hand. Her body was yet again working on instinct, the knowledge of archery sinking onto her palms and bleeding on her hold. The shot hit straight into the center of her target. Shizuku cheered loudly in response, exaggerated as it seemed.

“Your technique never ceases to surprise me.” Shizuku admitted, eyeing the bow like an ancient treasure. “The posture is always disciplined but your expression makes it seem so effortless! It’s so elegant too, I felt like Queen Himiko herself had come to us.”

All her automatic body could muster as a response was laughter, 

“Aah, you’re embarrassing me a little, Hinomori-san…” Mafuyu squeezed a loose strand of hair. “It’s likely just that I had to relax my muscles to avoid any straining, but I got a little careless.” She smiles. “Though, thanks for the compliment, I’m sorry if my expression was too intense.”

“Not at all, it shows how much you’re focusing! It's very admirable.”

“Well, we have been doing this for a while, I’m glad both of our efforts paid off.”

“Of course. Our final competition is coming soon, right?”

“Right.” Mafuyu pauses. “We need to keep going.”

“... Yes. We really went so far, didn’t we?” Shizuku stepped into place, equipment ready. “I can’t believe we’ll be third years in just a few months.”

“It’s a strange feeling, but I’m sure we’ll be fine." Mafuyu says. "Planning on doing anything with the extra time?"

"That’s probably something I should put on a little more thought, right? I was just thinking of maybe investing on my idol career."

"Hehe, that makes sense.”

“It might sound simple, next to your plans… but I feel like things are going in a good direction, you know?”

“I heard it a lot from our juniors. They tried to hide it, but I can see how amazed they are to work alongside an idol like you.”

“Oh? I suppose that means I have to live up to that, huh?” She laughed. 

“Not at all, you were always hardworking.” Mafuyu said. “I imagine it’s maturity affecting them, naturally they’ll pick on a senior to look up to and you are a great example of diligence.” 

“My, thank you! Although, you’re selling yourself short, Asahina-san. It was thanks to your guidance that our club was able to do so well on our tournaments after all!”

“It just so happened I had more time to spare than you do.”

“Which by itself is impressive. You’re juggling schoolwork, cram lessons, club activities and… was it a musical group?”

“... huh?”

“Ah, I’m sorry! It’s just that Shiho-chan mentioned that one of her friends had met a senior who did lyrics for a musical group.” Shizuku scratched her cheek. Mafuyu tried to ignore the way her throat tightened, whether it was because of the potential issues with the word of her involvement with Niigo growing or because she could almost imagine the scratched skin falling off wasn’t known. “From the way she described that senior, I thought of you, I’m really sorry.”

“... no, no, it’s okay.” Mafuyu hid a nervous sigh behind a grunt as she pulled the string. 

If Shizuku noticed the change in demeanor, she made no comment. Mafuyu smiled and steadied herself as easily as breathing. Shizuku should never notice anything under the watchful eye of Mafuyu. She was a fellow student, the only thing they had in common was that they shared something other than books, and homework, and teachers, and musi- they had the club. 

They both shared a club and a school. Nothing else.

And yet. 

“Ah- It almost missed,” she heard Shizuku muttering. Mafuyu didn’t say anything, but did smile encouragingly during Shizuku’s turn.

“I do work as a lyricist.” She said, after Shizuku did indeed miss her shot, even if not by a lot, as she tried to reassure the girl. Shizuku gulped in surprise while still drinking from her bottle.

“You do?! That’s amazing!” She attempted to clasp her hands together but accidentally hit the bottle. It didn’t deter Shizuku. “I should’ve known you’d be good at something like that, it really fits you.”

“It does…?”

“Yes. You express yourself so strongly sometimes, it’s no wonder you write those emotions well.” 

“Well, I mostly follow my group’s lead.” She looked down to the bow.

“Maybe you could try writing something by yourself and showing it to them? I bet they’d like it a lot.”

“Heheh, I could.”

“Do you have any goals?”

“What?” She snapped back to reality and looked at Shizuku.

“When we make songs as More More Jump, we like to focus on the reason why were doing all of it, what makes it worth it for us and for our fans.”

“And that is…? To give them hope?” Mafuyu thought back to a festival.

“To say ‘I see you’.” 

“I see you?”

“Yes! If I can go on stage and make sure every single one who is watching can feel like we can truly see them even in the middle of a crowd, if we can touch their hearts like that, I think working every day for that is worth it.”

‘Truly see them, even if in the middle of a crowd’ , 

Huh. Mafuyu felt a faint feeling in her chest, ignited by the bright memory of a teal idol, dancing and singing for the public but whose eyes would flash here and there towards Mafuyu, just as they would whenever they both took the time from their busy lives to compete. Again and again, Mafuyu felt herself expecting these brief times just as she interrupted the silent night to listen to banter and discussions from her Nightcord, or to imagine she is as she reads the group chat because her mother would be checking on her that night but Mafuyu could sneak a few readings here and there.

Wasn’t a feeling like that not at all that different from her tinge of trepidation as Kanade’s songs would wash over her during her middle school days? 

That’s right. Music could touch her like that, even years later, when she’s oh-so-close to finish the chapter of adolescence in her life. She didn’t quite understand why. Mafuyu’s fate wasn’t as blessed with melodies as the strange people she has met ever since. If anything, Mafuyu had always been connected with fixing and healing, it just became less and less about herself as time went by. Study lessons and club tutoring, it was all a form of healing of the mind for others, in a way. 

Wasn’t that something Shizuku said? That her kindness matched just fine with that of a doctor? But Shizuku’s and Kanade’s kindness were obviously matched with their music, right? And what of a doctor made them kind, necessarily? Mafuyu remembers the cold of hospitals, just like her sekai. Maybe that’s why she fitted with a doctor as everyone said, maybe her songs were more similar to a long piece of metal piercing right through her br-

“Thinking about something, Asahina-san?” Shizuku said, already moved on from her previous resting spot and readying herself for her turn.

“Lobotomy.” Mafuyu instinctively said.

“... huh?” 

“Ah- it’s just something a classmate of mine used to say about music. That it felt like lobotomy, in a way.” Mafuyu laughed.

“Oh, that’s funny.” Shizuku said. In a normal tone of voice. Looking up to the ceiling, a bit aloof. Like a normal person would. 

“Well, I’ll go ahead and-”

“An arrow of passion that pierces your brain but you can’t feel it, because it’s love…” Shizuku singsongs and taps her chin. “Ah, it’s no good, I can’t come up with a good lyric for that.”

“Hinomori-san?”

“Sorry, you seemed to be deep in thought so I wanted to… no, no, forget it.” She sounded exasperated but not at Mafuyu…? Mafuyu tilted her head. “It was a silly thing of mine, and I did go on a rant there, huh?”

“Not at all. As someone who watched one of your shows, I can assure you that you‘re doing amazing.” Dazzlingly, she wanted to add, but it felt innapropriate to say. “I… can’t say what my goal is, exactly. It just seemed, interesting?”

“Interesting?”

“When I got the opportunity to help with creating songs I couldn’t help but feel like it was an once-in-a-lifetime chance, you know?”

“Oh? I can see that. It was just how I felt back then too.”

“Yes, although I had very little experience, it was…” She rubbed her wrist, maybe she put on too much force? “Fun.”

Shizuku blinked owlishly at her and smiled. 

“I see.” Mafuyu could see something glimmering inside those eyes, could a simple statement give that much of a reaction? “Then, if I’m not being too invasive, I think Asahina-san could invest on that too.”

“Huh?”

“To be honest, at the time I started archery… I was lost. Things were changing so suddenly and I had my mind clouded very often.” Shizuku chuckled. “Not at all the image of a pro idol our juniors think about, right?”

“Hinomori-san, that’s not…”

“It’s okay! I understand that better now,” she said. “People can forget easily that we can deal with things like that. And for a long time, I was afraid it would consume me.”

Mafuyu didn’t respond, because she didn’t need to.

“But it was thanks to you that I was able to start to move on, and thanks to that, I got to perform with Airi-chan and More More Jump.” She turned to her bag, rummaging through it as she talked. “It makes me so happy to know you have that too, even if it seems you haven't been able spend as much as I have with them.” She pulled something out, Mafuyu couldn’t quite see it from the distance. “But I can tell it’s important to you.”

Shizuku turned, a small gift box was held softly on her hands. 

“I was meaning to give you this on your birthday, but… here.” 

“... thank you.”

When Mafuyu’s turn came, she missed.

A 3 to 3 game, another draw. But in Mafuyu’s mind, Shizuku won before they even started it.

Snow flickered all over the globe, polluting the miniatures populating the compound, one of the figurines rolled down and two others fell together but the collision at least kept them on top of the hill. How sad. Thankfully, as Shizuku had kindly explained on the note attached to the globe, Mafuyu could open its top and personalize it to her liking, if she had the tools to do so.

Tweezers would be ideal right now. Maybe her mother would know where it was kept. And right on time, dinner should be almost ready. Maybe she’ll try to slip the question then. An excuse wouldn’t be hard, after all.

She left the room, not taking the globe nor her phone, but the fresh scent of water in her nostrils and melodic taps on wooden floor followed her all the way.

— January 25th —

Mafuyu scrubbed her face softly with a towel as she opened the file Ena had just asked her to review. This had become a sort of ritual between them, whenever Mafuyu felt it was safe to stay later than usual, she would spend those precious hours taking a look at Ena's work. If not, then she was staying up to Mizuki’s ramblings about the MV. Kanade rarely asked these days, but she would take a look at their shared file, just in case something slipped. Other than the demo, there was no activity.

The hot water still dripping from her hair was calming. She couldn't go to a hot spring and public bathrooms weren't exactly an option when she had her own, so this was the closest she would get for now. What else did people usually do to relax? Maybe she would finally convince herself to a late-night coffee, even if it wouldn’t taste that different from just boiling water.

Oh.

She wouldn't do it, but that was an idea. Way quicker than coffee.

The file still wasn't done downloading, which did tell that this was an intricate one. Maybe even more colorful than usual. Although it was also possible Ena had just overdone it with her layers again, just in case she had to get rid of anything, Mafuyu guessed. 

Enanan really is serious about this, isn't she. 

She let out a sigh before leaning back on her chair. A few cracks went along her back but it didn’t seem to make the dull ache in her torso any more pleasant. She had been hunched over for a while now, hadn’t she? It felt wrong to try and adjust her posture by now in spite of the hundreds of books and tabloids that advised otherwise. At the soft creak of her chair as it bent to her impromptu stretching, Mafuyu’s gaze sharpened with no discernable target for it. Despite the muscle constraint, it was probably more liberating to glare at the ceiling rather than to let her face naturally fall into her placid smile. 

Her hands moved towards the lightbulb with no deeper thought other than because it would give her something to do. It wasn’t late enough for her to hop onto the voice chat and expect any type of work update to be given other than Kanade’s placating reassurances that it’s fine, we’re doing just fine, Yuki, you can rest for tonight if it’s not a good day, the song may be ready by the end of the week so what was the point? 

After idly failing to even get near the unlit light, her energy focused on whatever was reachable right now, and thus, her hands were soon exploring her hair again. Still damp with the water, but now much cooler than she’d hoped. It was winter, right? A lot had happened during winter over the years, right? Like herself. She happened. That’s what her name was supposed to mean. Mafuyu. Winter. Snow. Yuki. 

Winter, too, was when she finally got to meet Kanade. 

While curling and uncurling her hair, her own fingers met. Mafuyu froze. She didn’t quite know why but it was as if receiving the touch of a long lost acquaintance. Alien, surprising– but fickle. Her right hand soon grabbed the languid left one, it still didn’t feel like herself. 

Strange. She squeezed it. Still nothing.

Why couldn’t she feel her own hand…? Neither the feeling of being grabbed nor the feeling of holding something registered. Why? Right nails brushed over the other’s pale skin. The left one squirmed, Mafuyu thinks, the right hand visibly tightened its hold, maybe in reassurance, or maybe they had just met. How do you do, fellow resident? We have nothing for you here, but hopefully, that’ll be okay. Don’t be afraid of the falling snowflakes, we just need to use our gloves next time, that way, it’ll be warm again. It’ll be warm, hot, scalding, the skin might fall off, but nothing that a skin graft can’t fix. Mafuyu frowns as Moth- Kan- En- she refuses to let go. 

A knock. Another. And then another. Mafuyu blinked, momentarily having forgotten she had a door. She let go of her hands and straightened her back as if pulled by a force she didn’t know she had, smile already threatening to spurn out.

“Mafuyu?” The door slowly opened, a ray of light barely escaping through. “Are you still awake?”

“Mm-hm. Did you need anything, dad?” Her face softened as the light expanded and her visibly tired father came into view, holding a small porcelain pot.

“Not really, just came in to say hello, and–” He raised the pot, which she now could see a spoon poking out of it. “To give you a little treat.”

Her smile widened. “This late into the night? Awn, you didn’t have to.” Mafuyu got up, because she could tell it was what her father would want and lightly took the pot, eyeing the contents. “Ice cream?” For once, her surprise wasn’t entirely exaggerated. Her father laughed.

“It was on sale. Remember the brand we always got for summer? It felt nostalgic so I bought it. With your mother's consent, of course.” Mafutu nodded.

She didn’t remember. 

“I see… it has been so long, I’m glad they’re still on business.” She couldn’t tell what flavor it was, even with the little light she had. It looked beige, but not quite dark enough for it to be chocolate. “Heheh, it’s quite odd to eat ice cream right in winter, though!”

“So it is, but it’s probably the reason it’s on sale to begin with.” He laughed once again and walked in, with his back now turned to her, she considered lowering her guard a bit but not now. Her eyes flickered to the screen and to her relief, it seems she left it on a blank notes app. Her computer was muted too, so there wasn’t any risk of any Nightcord notification suddenly popping in. 

With that reassurance, she glanced back at her father’s back. It was strange to have him there. He was a brief man, constantly moving and working around the city at the beck and call of whoever needed him. It probably made him a lot more valuable, but it also made him a variable in her life. The most she could predict was the usual dinner small talk, but she supposes that everything has been changing already so why would this be the one thing she finds the most off-putting? 

“Tidy as always, I see,” he remarked, and, without turning, made his way to her bed. She took the cue and made her way herself to her table, making sure to cover most of the screen as she sat down. "Your mother is always very proud of that."

"I'm glad."

"And of course, so am I. We couldn’t have asked for a better daughter.” He continues. “You’re studious, kind, active, obedient…”

“It’s thanks to both of you! Without mom teaching me the importance of daily self-study and your tips with group work, I don’t think I would have gotten that far.” 

Her father smiled, pleased. "You remind me so much of your mother, no wonder you fit that well as a doctor."

"... Ah, hehe, dad, you praise me too much." She touches her cold, pale cheek in a simulation of embarrassment. "My classmates like to say that too, that I fit as a doctor…" She immediately recognizes the mistake as her father looks at her with concern. 

"Were you doubting that?"

"Oh, no, no! I just-"

"It's quite alright, Mafuyu," he cuts in. "At your age, it's only natural to feel a little doubt about your future. You're made to choose way too early." 

"... Yes. It's slightly nerve-wracking. Thank you, dad." 

"You know, back on my younger days, I felt the same." He relaxes and sits back, supporting himself on her bed. "University was tough, at times, I found myself wondering if I even fitted in." 

Purple eyes meet purple eyes. Biology would tell her that this man is undoubtedly her father. 

"It was your mother who pushed me forward." She doesn't know him.

"Is that so…?"

"Indeed. We met in university, the study sessions were relentless with her and we did bicker, but that’s how young people are. I wasn’t as accepting of the sacrifices that came with my studies as you are, after all.” 

“I… see.” She let her hands fall neatly on her lap, ignoring the want to squeeze something. “Though, university is not easy. I’m sure everyone struggles in their own way.”

“That is correct, but I doubt that you will, Mafuyu.”

“Huh?”

“You’re kind and dedicated. What more could one ask from a doctor? I’m sure you’ll fit right in.”

“Ah-” A part of her wanted to ask Is that it? but what was actually wrong with what he said? Doctors are notably kind, aren’t they? And one would need dedication to go through medical school, right? She’s sure nothing she could have asked would’ve satiated the bizarre brisk of curiosity her being craved in a way she would never understand. Those were her very own doubts, all of which she would squash. 

After all, her father only wanted the best for her. Surely, his struggles would not be her own. And as long as Mafuyu finds the common ground, it could allow her to get closer to an answer of her own.

“Thank you, dad. I think I feel a little better now.”

“Well! It’s your birthday soon, and I’ll be a father to a young woman. Make sure to tell your mom and I if you have any requests. We want to make this special for you.”

“Dad! C’mon now, that’s too much for one night!” She covers her face. “But I will.” Mafuyu slides her hands just enought to only show her eyes. “I will think long and hard about it.”

“I’m here.”

“Mmph-?!” 

The voice that greeted her choked in surprise. Unfortunately, the noise was way too close to the mic. Mafuyu winced, placing a hand over her earphone in case it continued. Thankfully the following desk slams were much more tolerable, if not slightly concerning for its soft intensity. The commotion on the other side progressively calmed down, ending with the sound of glass hitting the desk. “Why the hell didn’t- AKITO STOP BANGING ON MY DOOR, I SAID I’M FINE ALREADY.” Thank God Ena didn’t forget to take off her mic this time. “Urgh, I swear…”

“You were very loud.” Mafuyu tapped her keyboard. 

“Um, excuse me for choking I guess?! I could’ve died there!”

“It looked like you had things under control.”

“Still!”

“Sorry. You do sound okay though.”

“Well, sure. Nightcord didn't even warn me though, I was just lucky I had something to drink here.”

“Isn’t it late to be eating right now?”

“... forgot to get dinner.” Ena grumbled. “Things happened and I got behind the schedule, so I had to spend the day prepping sketches and coloring the ones I had.”

“Hm…” Mafuyu had yet to go through their group texts, and she had no idea if the group was going through something or if it was just on Ena. Regardless, there were intricate rituals she only ever witnessed with Niigo, the great capacity of somehow getting involved with each other’s grievances in a marginal yet significant manner. “Are you guys already done with the song?”

“Not really. Kanade’s hitting a wall with the feeling she wants to put into this one. I liked the demo enough so I’ve based the artwork on what I got from it.”

“And that was?”

“I sent you the file, didn’t I? Don’t tell me you still haven’t opened it.”

“The download was too slow, and my father wanted to talk to me.” She opened her files and, sure enough, there was the drawing ready to be opened. Ena clicked her tongue.

“Your dad? Huh, now that I think back, you barely mentioned him before.” 

“There wasn’t much of a reason to.” As expected, Ena had exaggerated with the layers, it seemed to go on forever as Mafuyu scrolled down. “He’s kind and a hardworker. Fairly normal.”

“Not sure if I’d take your normal as a good sign.”

“... Your drawing. It looks messy.” Mafuyu leaned back. “The swirls are likely a metaphor for hypnotism judging by the heavy presence of clocks and high use of color that strains the eye, but taking in consideration that the viewer will be forced to spend the entire song’s timeframe looking at it, the palette falls apart. It would hurt to look at it for too long even if it catches your eye, making the amount of detail ultimately useless as the art both encourages and discourages you to truly study it. That messes with the message.”

“...” For a minute, there wasn’t anything but light tapping on Ena’s part on what Mafuyu assumes was the cutlery for her dinner. “Right. It makes sense.” Ena sighed and the metal clucking stopped. “I wanted to go for the Alice in Wonderland imagery so I thought overwhelming the frame with as much as I could would convey the craziness but I also wanted the viewer to feel like they couldn’t handle the truth by forcing them to avert their eyes.” She laughed quietly. “Thanks. Terrible attempt at deflection though.”

“‘I wasn’t. You wanted to hear my opinion on your drawing, I was just giving it.”

“Conveniently after we start talking about your dad, riiiiight,” Ena replied. “Not that I have any right to complain, I guess.”

“... You can do as you feel like. I wouldn’t mind.”

“That’s not the point, y’know. I can’t just pry that much every time anything feels off. At least, I’m trying not to.”

“Is it really prying? It would just be a diversion.”

“Even so…!” A sigh. Has Mafuyu made her mad already? “Last time we did that, it was with your mom, and Amia was right, I pressured you too much. If you want to talk about it, or anything like that, we can, sure.” Ena’s tone then turned a bit more annoyed. “But tell me at least.”

“...” Mafuyu thought back about the bridge, her strange vivid daydreams, and the things she was hearing then. She wasn’t sure what to make of all of that, and she was sure Kanade likely picked something up from the way her lyrics melted with the instrumental, but that didn’t help at all if not even Niigo was quite getting it either. “Enanan.” But they’re trying regardless. “What was the feeling that you got from the song?”

“Huh? Was the drawing not clear then?”

“Hm.” Mafuyu looked over again, trying to simply take in the message. “It’s… confusing. You said that it was supposed to convey madness too.”

“I guess madness wasn’t really the right word for it…” Ena mused. “It was a sense of wonder? Like you just found out something big but you don’t know what to make of it.”

“Aren’t the motifs related to Alice In Wonderland, though?”

“Yeah! At first, I thought of using Pandora’s box as inspiration, but, it didn’t feel right.”

“Why?”

“Amia and I were talking about it, and they said something like “Pandora probably felt like she was about to drown and Hope was her lifeboat” and then something about a manga they were reading… I didn’t get that part.” Her voice was full of mirth.

“Amia’s usually like that. They sent me videos about one of those shows yesterday.”

“Oh, so you do read our DMs.” Ena remarked with genuine surprise. “That’s good to know.”

“They’re easy to read so I do it. It’s nothing much.”

“Sure, sure, well–” Mafuyu heard the metal clacking once again. “That made me think. A lot. I don’t think the song is about someone barely hanging onto something.”

“It isn’t?”

“Not for me , at least.” Ena clicked her tongue. “I was thinking it was more like walking through something that doesn’t make sense but you keep going on your own accord, even if it’s scary.” The fork passed through the knife. “That’s what Alice felt, I guess? The story doesn’t make any sense, Alice probably shouldn’t even tried to run after that rabbit but she kept on and, as stupid as it looks when you’re older and rereading the story, it’s kind of charming how it works out in her favor and growth.”

“You could’ve just said that you associated “wonder” with “wonderland” and went from there.”

“Oh, c’mon! It was deeper than that!”

“Maybe.” Mafuyu rubbed her arms, the chilly air starting to get uncomfortable. “It’s an interesting way to see it.”

“Gee, thanks.” Ena replied. “Knew I should’ve said that to K instead, you’re not in the mood to talk.”

“I’m fine. But if you wanted to talk to K, why didn’t you?”

“For starters, you’re our lyricist, the girl we’re kind of trying to help. One would think that’s pretty important?” Ena groaned. “And second, you also didn’t talk to K, so we’re even.”

“I was busy.”

“You made time for me today, and you said okay to Amia’s hiking idea.”

“...”

“Look, we- I-” She sighed. “Sorry. I don’t know what you and K are going through - if you guys even are going through anything - and I have had my own troubles in the past, you can take your time to sort it out but you can’t just-

“Does it ever-” Mafuyu cut herself off, trying to think of how to word it all. Ena seemed to be seeing things in a way Mafuyu wasn’t, and she was right there, wasn’t she? This could work. 

“Is it ever too warm?”

“... What?”

“Your art. You have a passion for that, correct?” She heard a noise coming from Ena’s microphone but she ignored it. “You want to improve, but– What then?”

“I’m not sure I follow…” Ena said after a beat. 

“... Forget it.”

“Well, now I’m not letting it go! You’re worried about, erm… what happens after you get in touch with your feelings again?”

“... No, that’s not it…”  

“Then what?”

Mafuyu sighed. She was trying to be as honest as she could but it was easier to make parallels when she knew where she was going with it. Her classmates needed help? There was no issue with using analogies and metaphors. I anything, people understood it better that way. 

But how could you link emotions you yourself don’t even fully understand? 

“You would probably be happy with achieving your goal, right?” For her, being saved was the goal. Was that too vague? “But before that, there’s usually a point where you’re getting close to it and may want to give it up.” 

But– the coldness of her mother’s hand and the warmth of that evening’s show with everyone, it– “A half-way point.”

“Hm. That would be chickening out, basically,” said Ena. Mafuyu can’t muster the energy to feel somewhat offended. “I kind of get it. I’d probably be very happy to be that close to finally getting my art up there. But it’s overwhelming too.”

“Overwhelming is certainly a word that could be used.”

“Yuki.”

“I mean it.” A beat. “... I think.”

“You and Amia should compete on who’s the most infuriating. Not that it would matter since you’re both on opposite sides of the same damn spectrum.” Mafuyu’s starting to get the feeling Mizuki might’ve done something. “Anyway, so, you’re feeling overwhelmed, huh?”

“Could be.” 

“Did something happen with your mom?”

“No.”

“Your dad?”

“Not really.”

“Then, it’s probably about K, right?”

“What makes you think that?”

“No idea why you’d bring this up after I asked about her if it wasn’t related.”

“I don’t know if it is. I just thought it would be important to say this.”

“Then I’ll take it as a yes, okay? Make it easier for the both of us.”

“If you want.”

“I do. So.” Ena adjusted on her seat. “Yuki, what do you think of K?”

“Is that really necessary?”

“Help me help you.”

“Fine.” Her eyes moved to the aforementioned girl’s icon. “She’s talented with her music. Her songs can pique anyone’s hearts which is likely because she’s incredibly kind and compassionate. But…”

“But?”

I’m just following my ego. That’s all.

“But… she’s… selfish. The curse her father has put on her, that-” The ice cream on her cup couldn’t melt. It was winter, her AC was on, but she couldn’t touch it right now. “That made her try harder to repent. To the point of degradation.” Does Kanade even like music at this point? Or is it all she has left to cling onto? “And yet she’s still trying.”

“Selfish and selfless. Is that really how you feel about her?”

“I don’t… I don’t know…” A ghost by the river appeared before her. “I don’t understand it at all. Why is she- why is she still…that is, if she’s still even-” Her voice trembled, but Mafuyu felt no sorrow. She clutched her head but that was just her ache of a frozen brain.

She gasped for breath but her lungs were dry. 

She felt dizzy but it was just the harsh monitor light.

She fell from the horse and she didn’t know why.

“Woah there!” A disjointed voice grabbed her shoulders. Lifted Mafuyu into a sitting position. “Are you okay? Don’t try to move too much. Just in case.”

“... ‘m fine.” Her head was still hurting. It felt like blood was threatening to spill out of her skull even though rubbing her hand over her forehead didn’t reveal any pain or wetness that couldn’t have been sweat. 

“Hey, I told you it was better not to move.” She held her hand. “You might say that you’re fine, but I saw your fall. It wasn’t a pretty sight.”

“I didn’t see you at any point.” Mafuyu frowned. She was glad for the cloak Shizuku so kindly gave her, it allowed her some freedom of expression, a lack of need to keep up appearances to its full capacity. “My apologies, in any case, I must’ve lost control of him.” She moved her head to the horse’s direction. A mistake, as she immediately felt the mushy feeling in her brain once again.

“Likely. Iit happens to the best of us.” The girl set a bag on the ground, already resigned to the fact Mafuyu was not listening to her commands. She pulled out a few packs of gauze, a bottle with nothing that could indicate its contents, and a towel. 

“Ah, there’s no need for that, really. I just need to gather myself.” 

“Hah, you’re resilient, but we’d much rather not get that infected, don’t we?” said the girl, pointing towards Mafuyu’s knees, which now gleamed with nasty gashes.

“Ah…” Mafuyu internally sighed, but relented, getting a bit of her cloak out of the way to facilitate the girl’s work. “Thank you very much.”

“Don’t worry about it.” She heard the sound of liquid hitting the ground but with part of her face obscured, she could only assume it was whatever that bottle had being poured onto the towel. Her suspicions were soon confirmed by the remerging towel going back into her field of vision. “About your… question? I wasn’t following you or anything. It just so happened that we’re going on the same direction.”

“And the same path?” Mafuyu giggled, but that explanation was even more suspicious to her. A mysterious girl conveniently was using the same way that witch assured her was unknown to most, and in a close enough distance that she saw Mafuyu fall? How did that make any sense? 

“Yes, I was surprised too.” She paused as she pressed onto the first wound to allow Mafuyu’s wince. “But it’s alright, can’t say I’m too upset about that. You don’t look aggressive.” The girl’s tone suddenly became uncertain. “... Are you?”

“If I was, I surely cannot effectively harm you in this condition, can I?” She smiled despite the impossibility of being seen. It was a reflex. “Rest assured, kind wanderer, I’m as dangerous as you are.” 

“Then not at all. Is that what you’re implying?” The girl laughed. “Surely, that would be too good to be true, though. I suppose I could use a bit of serendipity right now.” 

“Is that so?”

“So it is.” The girl sighed, a miniscule amount of frustration seeping through. “We live in new tides, let’s hope those go in our favor.”

“New tides, you say?”

“Of course.” The towel was now almost drenched in blood and dirt. The girl was almost done. Mafuyu wondered if she should offer one of her own, or to help her clean it. “Conflicts arising, people being left to fend for themselves, the falldown of countless kingdoms… Truly, this state of affairs is quite unfortunate.”

“You don’t sound too saddened about that." 

"Here’s a small secret: Indeed I am not.” The girl had finished wrapping one of her legs, already moving onto the second one. It felt strange but any time she tried to move to test it, the girl would put her hand on top of the bandaged leg like a disappointed parent.

Mafuyu hummed, the sound coming across as a relaxed and cheerful beat. However, she felt anything but that. Kingdoms were falling? It was unrealistic to think that hers was one of them but it was a rather intrusive thought. Her parents were more than competent rulers with or without an heir, and, as far as she recalls, they were prospering. Such was something she could gather from the meetings she attended. None of them implied this kind of crisis at all. And for this girl to casually reveal it all with a sort of irreverence that could only be found within someone who actively rooted for it? The blade stashed on her waist felt heavier.

Silence fell over them as Mafuyu mused over her options. 

“You should wash your face more, I almost mistook those eyes for black.” Before Mafuyu could blink, her hood had been removed. Seems hiding wasn’t much of an option anymore.

“... Your clothing.” 

“Excuse me?”

“The harsh winter is coming soon, why are you so underdressed?”

“Well… it wouldn’t make sense to be wearing it right now?”

“You have nothing else.” She narrowed her eyes, forcing them to relax soon after. “It does concern me… you said it yourself that this was your only piece.”

“Ah-” The girl blinks, clearly taken aback by the shift in tone. “You don’t need to, I’ll be fine!”

“Oh, but I insist.” Mafuyu inched closer as the girl leaned back. She was finally getting a good look at her savior, short brown hair, growing messily to the sides, scratches all over her arms and the few peeks at her legs that the trashed pants showed. Mafuyu frowned slightly at this, it almost looked like military wear. Not for battle, but maybe for scouting? The girl was too open, though, no weapon in sight and nowhere to reasonably hide it. For all intents and purposes, she looked like a traveler. However… 

“You saved me, miss, it would be terrible if I infected those wounds, no? I can’t help but worry.”

“I- I suppose that makes sense,” she mumbled.

“Though… with this quality of cloth…” She watched closely for the girl’s reaction.

“... I didn’t know I’d stumble upon a seamstress, how convenient.”

“Oh, I’m not one! Just learned a thing or two over the years.” She smiled plainly. She had no idea who had she learned anything like that from.

“So, it’s simply impressive,” she deadpaned and sighed. That felt familiar, deep in memories she shouldn’t hold in this life. “You don’t quite fit in this scenario either, if you don't mind me saying."

"Oh?" She tried to keep her voice steady, hand trying to reach for the blade. 

"Well, purple is the color of royalty." The girl stated plainly. "And don't do that, you'd be wasting a good blade. I'm already doomed anyways."

"You're- what?" Mafuyu tensed.

"You already got me." She laughed. "And by my own clothes!" The brunette looked down, voice sardonic and despaired. "I could pinpoint your blood from your very eyes but you needed to simply see my attire! If I was ever meant to be a ruler, you just destroyed that very possibility!"

In one quick swoop, she fell to her knees, the very picture of defeat that set an uneasiness in Mafuyu’s whole being. 

"My name is Ena. I was born as a princess, fated to one day rule as the firstborn," she said. "However, I lacked something my father never put into words. No matter how hard I tried, I can't ever improve in something that was never explained to me, can I? How am I supposed to ponder on a crown I was blind to?" She smiled, but her eyes were hollow. They weren't supposed to be that. Mafuyu one day thought they would, eventually, but Ena was always the one to prove her wrong, that maybe things weren't as set in stone. "Oh, I hated that man. I cursed him. Cursed my entire bloodline. My defect couldn't only be mine, I refused to believe so. And I was right! The kingdom fell! It fell and I'm still here."

"Did you…"

"No. I still hoped it would change until the bitter end… It wasn't supposed to end like this." Ena looked down. "My brother was the first to run away, he wanted me to tag along but I couldn't stand the very thought of leaving, if only for the sake of the people who still believed in me." 

"... And your parents?"

"Assassinated. As far as I recall, the group was tired of the stagnation we had come to, the lack of change could be dangerous at some point."

"How are you still alive, then?" Mafuyu didn't hide her suspicion this time.

"I just walked."

"I'm sorry?"

"They never noticed me walking by them, just got rid of my dress and went out." Ena sighed and reached for her bag once again, taking out the sake bottle. She dipped in the tiny part of the towel that wasn’t completely unusable. “Does it make sense to you? That someone as pitiful would come up with that? Well, guess I am that forgettable if I am to trust my father.”

“That’s- that’s not tr-”

“Not true? Dear stranger,” Ena touched her cheeks, brushing her thumb over Mafuyu’s cheeks. It felt cold. “I hardly know you, it’s foolish to act like we do so.”

Indeed, she doesn’t. Mafuyu doesn’t know this Ena. This person who looks at her as if she’s absolute trash. As if she’s a God. Mafuyu feels sick. She thinks of the real Ena staring at her like this, and it feels wrong. One is a Sun that will decimate her yet the other is the cold that will bury her alive, which is better?  

"-ki? Yuki?"

"Yu- Mafuyu!"

Mafuyu opens the eyes she didn’t know were closed. She feels herself burning from the inside, a state of shock between that and the cool exterior reverberates through her body and threatens to take her back to that vision. To that Ena. Mafuyu shudders.

“Enanan?”

Ena yelps. “Oh thank God. I thought I would need to drag Miku into this.”

“Miku?”

“You weren’t responding! You were just… breathing. I could hear it sometimes.” She spat the words, unsure of herself.”Uh, are you okay? I mean, ignoring the whole K thing.”

“... Yes.” Mafuyu forcefully steadied her breathing. “I was just thinking.”

“About?”

“...” Ena probably wouldn’t like to be lied to, and it wasn’t something Mafuyu herself felt like doing. At the same time, explaining to someone that she has been having vivid delusions of people around her - and even worse with the way that Ena acted in contrast to the Ena Mafuyu knows…

“You don’t have to tell me everything, if you don’t want to. Or can’t.”

“I know.” She sighed. “I was thinking about you, in a way.”

“Excuse me?”

“It’s hard to explain. And I- I need time to understand this a little better myself.” 

“Guess I’ll have to live with the implications of that.” Ena murmured, though that went straight into the microphone very much close to her mouth, so it was an useless endeavor anyways. Mafuyu chose to ignore it. “Don’t think you escaped the K thing though.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”

“You look shaken.”

“I want answers.”

“And I’m the one who should be giving them to you?”

“You’re the one that started all of this!” She said loudly. 

“No one ever asked you to go out and follow me. If you wanted to, you could’ve stayed inside that castle forever, you would’ve been safer.”

“T-that’s-!”

“You’re scared because of Ena.”

“No, I don’t fear Ena. That girl isn’t her.”

“You’re confusing realities again, Mafuyu. Ena is Ena. Whether one is similar or not, you saw something in her that connected the two in your mind. What was it?”

“I don’t know! I just– Can’t think of anything.”

“You both desire what the other has, I suppose.”

“That’s superficial.”

“But it’s where it starts, right? The little coincidences.”

“Maybe.”

“Then think of it like this: if circumstances were a little different, maybe that Ena could’ve been the real Ena. Or maybe, she would’ve been you.”

“...”

“It’s okay, I know how confusing it sounds. I guess dead people have it easier to accept such things.”

“You’re dead?”

“Of course I am, Mafuyu.” Kanade said, gently. “And you are almost, too.”

— January 26th —

The boutique was grandiose. Mannequins splattered everywhere adorned with garments most wouldn’t risk being seen with if only on a bohemian stage play. It was pompous, entrapped with props all around their torsos, be it ribbons, metal hearts glued in patterns, and maybe a few plushies? Mafuyu thinks that’d be too flashy to be sold, but alas. The messy atmosphere of needles and fabric being left to lay around is also meant to represent an aesthetic to it, like… avant-garde?

“That’s not the correct term for it.”

“Okay, yeah, I'll give you that one.”

Regardless, it is impressive, that is the main point after all. To feel like you’re walking inside a cloud during the sunset, to let the pink hue wash over you, the curtains are long and soon fuse with the floor and fabric. Not literally, of course, but it is a festival of soft textures. At its furthest walls, you could immediately pinpoint neat dressing tables with scattered tools all over it, as if one was given a list of the common symbols of beautification and threw them together in a likely grotesque manner. If it wasn’t so artsy, that is. 

They walked together, a group of two. A “duo”, as this narrator would love to remind, is a perfectly appropriate word to use here. In fact, it is the correct one, but the words of any omniscient beings or beloved protagonists matter very little right now. So. They were a group of two. 

Mafuyu listened absent-mindedly as they made their way over to the dressing room, paying no mind to the mess all around her. Such was life. She had walked into stores in worse states, and those were mostly a sign of the lack of care its workers had for the place as her mother once grunted, keeping a smile all the way. Mafuyu remembers thinking of how quaint her mother was, for making sure to keep her feelings in check despite the clear discomfort. And now, here she was, doing the very same, even if not really feeling that same indignation her mother did. 

That is, too, a sign of growth. 

As she passed by the clerk, she gave him a sympathetic smile. It went unnoticed. 

“Okay, so, first we can try the dresses.” 

“Mizuki, they’re all shirts,” Mafuyu answered, walking a bit faster to catch up to them.

“Ma-fu-yu!” Mizuki groaned. “We talked about this! They’re dresses if we really believe they are!”

“Right.” She said. “The oversized shirts are not oversized shirts. They are dresses now.”

“Yeah!”

“And this is a boutique.”

“Yep. Until the others arrive. It’s the best French boutique you’ll ever be.”

“Why French?”

“People say that going back to some stereotypes can be grounding. It’s like cinema-talk. Universal symbols, and all that. And France equals fashion in many eyes.”

“I see.” She doesn’t. “It’s very you to think like that.”

“Hey now, why do I feel like that was backhanded somehow…”

“It was? I was just being honest. You have a very odd way of thinking things through.”

“‘Suppose so, but it is a lot more fun like that, right?”

“Is it?”

“Hm. I suppose not everyone thinks like I do, right?” Mizuki turned as they reached the very end of the hallway full of empty changing rooms, almost to a ridiculous degree, and took the pile of clothes Mafuyu had been holding. “Then, what would be something fun to play make-believe with to you, Mafuyu?”

Okay, let’s trace back a few steps.

So, as you may have noticed. I was lying. I did a bit of a prank. A bad one. Mafuyu and Mizuki are not in a cute pink boutique with all the shiny, pretty words that come with it. In fact, one could say they are in its natural polar opposite. 

In other words, here’s what Mafuyu truly saw:

They were supposed to be hiking today. A last “hurrah”, as Mizuki sheepishly called it, before Mafuyu’s 18th birthday. Miraculous was the fact Mafuyu was even able to agree, and even more the fact her mother agreed to an outing with friends after Mafuyu mentioned how she was graciously invited by Shinonome to simply study in a special place for her dear friend. No, Mafuyu unfortunately could not give its name as Ena truly wanted to surprise her. Yes, mother, she will notify any grand changes to the schedule or if she’s staying over once again.

In any case, here she was. The walk wasn’t supposed to be strenuous to any of them. so, she went with a simple white shirt, jeans, a reliable wristwatch, and sneakers, meeting up with Mizuki at the station and going the rest of the way together, under the shower of promises that the others would arrive “soon”.

Mafuyu could already tell something was off by then, but the alternative was heading back. It wasn’t a bad choice by any means, but– She found herself walking regardless. Idly listening to Mizuki’s rambles, not minding the fact the subjects jumped from one to another. In fact, it felt relieving to listen to their voice again, as if she didn’t get to do so every other day on Nightcord.

They led her to what was essentially a tourist’s trap. White walls, products scattered with no discernible organization method, and an unholy amount of shirts. This was what Mafuyu’s eyes caught at that instant. Of course, Mizuki was quick to take over, to insist that she should close her eyes and imagine that they were somewhere different. That it would be fun.

So, she did. As if Mafuyu could have an use for these strange daydreams.

The boutique was non-existent. The dead trees seemed to extend indefinitely across the skies and towards her, like a hand reaching out. Mafuyu couldn’t answer such call however. The numbness she felt under her boots, the shivering of a harsh winter hitting her like it did when it came from that fish’s stare. It morphed until it was the unfamiliar coldness in Ena’s eyes. Just like her touch, that brushed and caressed her palms in reassurance because it was the last time she would ever see Shizuku, just like the horrifying sounds of the water as a body hit it and it was cold, so could, she was dragged in. Mafuyu stepped on unsteady snow and fell, and fell, and fell, and fell, and-

“... I think. It would be more fun if we could go hiking.”

“Aha, that wasn’t the question, but, erm, yeah.” They picked up one of the largest pieces and motioned towards Mafuyu. “Well! Wanna start with this one?”

“Sure.” She sighed. Eyeing the plain shirt that carried a logo she had seen as they arrived to the place and put it on. “Ah.”

“What is it?”

“The collar is not as loose as I’d think it should be, not very proportional.”

“Oh, yeah, you’re right.” They lightly pulled on said collar, giving a lopsided smile. “Guess we couldn’t have stuck with that delusion for long anyways.”

Mafuyu nodded, already getting ready to get the shirt off.

“Waaaait up, don’t you want to at least give us a little spin?”

“A spin.”

“Yeah! You’re about to be the first Niigo to ever adult, so I was thinking of maybe spicing things up?” Mizuki said. “Hah, it sounds weird when I say it.”  

“It’s a little strange but I don’t mind.”

“Well, do whatever feels more comfortable to you. It’s your birthday, after a- aaaaand you’re pulling off the shirt, okay.”

“Mizuki.” Mafuyu folds the shirt. “Are the others actually coming?”

“...”

“No?”

“... They had issues coming up so no.” “Mizuki finally admitted. Their guilt evident to Mafuyu. “Just our luck, right? I didn’t want to blow you off though so…”

“Were we going to stay here all day?”

“No, no! I kinda just wanted to ease you into it!”

“I am eased now, you can tell me the rest.”

“The- wha?”

“The rest. The story. The issue. The-”

“I got it, I got it!” Mafuyu can evidently see that Mizuki didn’t really “get it”. “Just. Are we really going to discuss anyone’s private business in a place like- in here?!”

“Is there a problem with that?”

“A lot, actually.”

“Then let’s go on a walk. “ Mafuyu reaches her free hand towards Mizuki. The harsh air conditioner surely guaranteed that both of their bodies would be freezing, but that was alright, really. She wasn’t expecting the friend inside the clothing stall to understand, but, maybe–

That horned familiar stranger would be more than willing to fill in the gaps.

“Okay.” Both Mizukis answer concurrently.

As it goes, Mafuyu can’t say she understands all of it either. 

Her classmates already had to hold her from walking into traffic because, in her mind, there was nothing but fields upon fields of grass. Typically, it was just that, brief visions and an embarrassing amount of explanations every time reality directly came into shock with her. 

That is, until Ena.

It was hard to forget the intensity of her glare in stark contrast to the kindness she demonstrated early on, but it was the despair that the doppelganger carried that disturbed Mafuyu. One never seen on the real Ena, yet the mere possibility of that was unnerving. 

On the bright side, it spurred Mafuyu’s urgency to better understand her friends, to stop and listen. 

Perhaps that was the intention. That is, her mind simply telling her something about her friends. If that was correct, well, Mizuki was clearly next.

“With her dad, it’s just the usual, but the doctors suspected something and urged her to come back as soon as she could so she did!”

“Kanade is like that. Is she going to be away for a while then?”

“Not sure, today would be our first day hearing about it, but from the looks of it, nothing changed…” Something in Mafuyu’s expression must’ve allerted Mizuki because they quickly raised their arms and babbled. “She’s fine! Really! She even confirmed that she’s definitely coming to your party tomorrow.”

“She shouldn’t force herself like that.”

“True, she likely won’t get any sleep today too,” They side-eyed her. “Tell you what. I’m going to stay on call today and make sure Kanade gets a good sleep, what about it?”

“That’s wise.”

“Isn’t it! That’s what I told my old friend, but tragically, miss, sometimes following your dreams has dire consequences. The life of a circus didn’t serve him.” The other Mizuki’s laugh almost sounded like a cackle. “Oh, but I tried to warn him! That poor soul.”

“Did you both live together before?”

“In a way. I prefer wandering anyways.” They stopped and poked the snow right in front of them. Surely enough, most of it naturally felt so. “You meet too many things in spite of the desolate nature of this place. Quite inspiring, right?”

She attempted to nod. It did make sense. 

“It must feel lonely, though. To live in a place like this.”

“Huh? Well, I guess so?” Mizuki tilted their head. “I couldn’t imagine it, but hey, maybe it couuld be your thing?”

“I don’t want to live in the middle of nowhere.”

“You don’t? Awwn, there goes my image of old woman you living in a little cottage.”

“I don’t think you should be projecting like this, Mizuki.”

“... Glad to know you are reading that psych site.”

“I’m not sure if I should be taking their advice though. Ena sent me something to help me taste food better but it didn’t work.”

“Oh yeah? Well, it’s the principle of the thing.”

“How so?” 

“Maybe if you relate to something, we could, well, y’know…” Mizuki kicked some of the dirt on the path; through Mafuyu’s eyes, snow flew everywhere. “Go from there? Understand your situation a little better?” No way anyone could understand the way Mizuki’s figure kept changing just as the world around them did. At least that other world’s eyes were warm.

“It’s hard to tell. I can understand the concept behind it, but nothing striking.”

“Tragic. I wonder if you really should be going back to a kingdom that makes you feel like this.”

“It’s simply how it is.” She thought back on the princess. “But…”

“Mizuki, did you and Ena have a fight?”

“Woah, woah, never heard of that one.” 

“She told me things were complicated.”

“Is this about me not picking the outfit she chose? I didn’t know she’d be that upset over it.”

“No, but she is mad about that too.” A beat. “And her option looked better.”

“What?! No, it didn’t!”

“The hearts on the pants matched you.”

“Absolutely not– I can’t believe I’m the only sensible one in this group.”

“Then will you be sensible and tell me what happened?”

“I-” They licked their lips. They llooked awfully dry. “It’s nothing out of the ordinary. We disagreed over something important but Kanade was there at the time and now she's working twice as hard. And, you know, life in general can be harsh so that didn’t help.”

“And that something was me.”

“She really told you everything, huh?”

“Ena is working to improve herself, from what I can see.” Mafuyuy thinks back to a heavy knife under her belt and the sick feeling of considering to thrust that in Ena’s skull. “I don't know when that happened but-” Rain and an extended hand. A sketch that contained a girl Mafuyu didn’t recognize. “But I think it’s good.”

“You are too, y’know. So is Kanade. You’re all doing amazing.”

“And you’re not?”

“We are talking about a mistake I made not too long ago, right? I think I’m a poor little chick compared to you!” Mizuki playfully jabbed Mafuyu’s arm. 

“Am I the chicken now?”

“Oh, not at all. You aren’t even out of the shell.” The blizzard was strong halfway through the walk, specks were attempting to enter her eyes so her arms unfortunately would need to endure that even after she had already lost feeling of both. “We have been walking for a while, haven’t we?”

“You’re probably used to this by now.”

“Certainly! But you’re not and I’d hate to let my old friend down by allowing you to pass out by exhaustion.”

“How nice.” 

“Then, shall we take a break?” They turned around, the cracks of rocks were heard. She looked up– “These winds aren’t very good for me either.” –And found Mizuki, face full of cracks, already threatening to fall over.

“Mizu-” Reality fell over just as Mizuki did, tripping over a rock. “Mizuki.”

“Sorry, sorry!” 

"We were cursed. Fated to erode and crumble like a stone, but nevertheless remain alive." Their hands caressed the walls with the same care one would have with a newborn. "You could lose a leg, become nothing more than a leg, and feel nothing through all of it. And yet, your mind would refuse to cease. There's no death for us."

As they spoke, that creature's voice warped, and the cadence and general tone became slightly jumbled. It was still very clear to them, still dripping honey on their every word. If you didn't pay attention, maybe there was no change at all, but Mafuyu was acutely aware of any move made by that stranger. She could only blame it on the cold messing with her mind.

"But we-" They made a sound akin to a choke. "We learned from this. At least, I did- I had to." Long ago, "Even if torn to bits, stone can still become something greater, right? So I took the hint." Their cane hit the wall. Hard. And twisted it until a faint glitter could be seen. 

"I've lost myself time and time again. Right now, I'm only me because I'm everyone."

They lifted a fragment of the gem. Purple, as it didn't make any sense to be.

"Decorated with Earth, I can be beautiful."

Glittering. Shining. Dazzling. The gem held its own light with a nobility none of those could ever wear. A piece of the Sun that took the center of Earth itself and she was right there.

That live statue’s gaze pierced through that small fragment, regarding it as a stranger and a friend. Raising it. Studying it. Love, hate, happiness, disgust, apathy, and every single emotion that could be named went through those pink eyes that seemed to refuse to lose mirth in spite of it all and bathed that stone in it. A single gem baptized in the same vein the body was once worshiped. In a way, Mafuyu thinks that this is the most honest Mizuki she has ever met.

“See? All patched up! You worry too much.”

“Considering you’re already jumping around, it’s less about worry and more about expecting the inevitable.”

“So mean! I can be careful too.”

“That’s quite the jump from ‘just a chick’ to this.”

“People can change.”

“Congratulations.”

They smiled and walked on.

“I still can’t believe one of us is going to be eighteen already. We’ve known each other for so long, haven’t we? That’s so… unfathomable to imagine.”

“Why?” 

“Happiness comes in short waves, I think.” Even after one year of meeting up with Niigo in real life, Mafuyu could never grow used to seeing these discombobulated people actually living and breathing so close to her. “I mean, sometimes you do a little dumb thing and it comes back to change your life, y’know? Well, of course you know, that’s how we meet - not to say this is dumb or anything! Urgh…”

“I’m not entirely sure where you’re going with this but it makes sense.”

“Oh, it does?”

“Actions and consequences. You make the best choices for your well-being as everyone else does.” Mizuki frowned.

“I mean- yeah? But let’s look at it less philosophically-like, heh heh…” They spun around a few steps forward on the trail. “What I’m saying is more like, happiness is not that hard to come by, but it is hard to keep around.” In this new fabricated distance, Mizuki seemed more at ease but they still made the effort to look back at Mafuyu. That probably wasn’t very smart, they could trip again if they didn’t keep a good look at where they were heading. 

But that was Mizuki Akiyama, wasn’t it? The person who would speak up the most and still manage their tasks expertly. 

“Sometimes, you need to do so much just to keep the status quo, but that isn’t the best, right? Once you start to change, things can’t ever be the same, and you need to make better choices based on that, or else you might lose something.”

“Something?”

“I don’t really want to be harsh and say everything, but you don’t do well without specifics, right?” They laughed. “And yet, you’re our lyricist. Mafuyu really is something else.”

“You said “something” again.” She sighed.

“Eek, my bad.” Mizuki raised their hands in defeat.

“It’s okay.” Mafuyu closed her eyes. Staring at the evening sun reflecting Mizuki’s hair really was starting to be grating. “But I’m not doing anything special. I’m just writing what makes sense to write at the time.”

“What makes sense to write at the time, huh…” There it was, that fondness they would occasionally use during their conversations. A glimpse of the self that wanted to disappear as much as they wanted to live. “Yeah, you’re right. In the end, that’s exactly what we all do.”

“Mizuki…?” Both of their footsteps stopped.

“I- I made a lot of not-so-good decisions recently.” Mafuyu opened her eyes to a fully turned around Mizuki Akiyama. They had cotton pink hair with that proud red ribbon tying it, their eyes reflected an eternal dusk Mafuyu could never hope to see, even their hiking clothes followed the trend of whites and soft yellows and pinks. 

Cute to the core, that’s how they always were. Mafuyu does not know this Mizuki. This one that sheepishly held one of their arms and seemed almost afraid of eye contact, that wanted to bare something Mafuyu would barely be able to hold. “Actually, terrible decisions. I risked my own happiness because I was afraid of losing the one version of it I came to love.”

Tentatively, Mizuki looked at her. “But it had been gone for a long time. I know it would be torture for you - for everyone - to go back. I thought I could stall forever, try and be a person I was used to seeing in my mirror. I loved that person. Really, I did. I still do. But in the end, I didn’t understand them enough to know what they really needed.”

“... Do you now?” To be honest, it didn’t seem like it, but what did Mafuyu know? They were friends, in theory, and maybe they understood each other in the vaguest sense of the word, but what right did any of them had to truly and confidently say that they knew even their own true selves?

“Hah, I don’t know.” Despite their words, they smiled with no weight, like this admission was their worst secret of all. “This world has been really kind to me as of late, despite all of my bad choices. Ena still is here, Kanade wants me here, and you still came.”

“I just accepted the invite. I don’t know if you can equate this to the others.”

“That’s true, but you’ve been having a hard time because of this exact situation, right?”

“Tagging along with you?” She blinked. “Is this about me going to the amusement park and breaking curfew?”

“Sort of. We know you aren’t doing too good. Kanade has been trying her all to make that song more than ever”

“... It’s fine." Because it has to be, right? No matter how cold it felt to sit at her dinner table and narrate each step to her parents, she could always remind herself of her friends working so diligently to find anything that could bring Mafuyu a semblance of identity again. But even then, it was a drug with limited supply and she was in need of more, no matter how much she basked on their warmth, her hands remained cold as ever.

Is that a fair thing to say, however? Mafuyu herself couldn't quite place these raw sensations with any word that made sense. Doubt? Yes, there were many, this wasn't all encapsulating. Resentment? She would need to be a fool to resent any of them that way. They were them. She was her. Maybe a sort of jealousy to their abundance of motivation, but it barely felt that way. Most of times, Mafuyu was just naturally curious. She didn’t want what they had in a literal sense. She doesn't want to be a musician, an artist or a tailor. She thinks? In any case, Mafuyu wants her feelings to be entirely her own, even if right now they're miniscule. 

Then… was it fear? It seemed ridiculous to dread a daily life Mafuyu has been accustomed to since middle school.Niigo has been there for less time than she has been walking to cram school. In theory, their absence was always meant to be temporary, Mafuyu wouldn't have to miss them as much as she missed her classmates once the year was over. 

And that was the issue, wasn't it?

Why do I have to feel this knot in my chest every time I think about this? 

Would I miss them if they left? 

Is this what this is all about? Missing spending more time with them? Then isn't going to the Sekai my solution? But it doesn't work. It gets worse. 

My head hurts. 

"Say," Mizuki lifted their hand in a half attempt to reach out. "Mafuyu-"

The reflection inside that gem was considerably smaller than Mafuyu. In a normal world, no one should be able to see it at all. Why was it then that Mafuyu felt so compelled to look closer? 

"Say," The cracked face hinged. "Why are you staring at me?”

“It feels strange to see you like that.”

“Like what?”

She heard that change of tone, it was the real one. “I’m not used to seeing that part of you, is all.”

“Oh, sorry about that. I may have ruined the mood.”

“No, you didn’t. It’s new, but it’s still Mizuki.” She looked down. “I like it.”

“A corpse? You’re very weird, miss.” 

“I guess I am.” Maybe she should probe more, they’re by themselves, it was so rare for them to spend time just the two of them. “Mizuki, do you-”

“MAFUYU, THE TIME!”

“Huh?”

“Haah, we’re not even close to the top and its getting so late.”

“... Oh.”

“I’m so sorry, Mafuyu, this was a total failure.”

“We still have time, don’t we? Let’s just go as far as we can get. You can even take a picture.”

“Really? Like, actually ?!”

“Yes, I know this is why you wanted to go here. You mentioned this place before.”

“Woow, so nice of you to remember that.” Was it worse that they sounded genuine? “Okay, I’ll take the absolute best picture so you gotta have it saved as a phone background at some point.”

“I can’t do that.”

“I can dream!”

“Is it really okay for you to leave without saying everything you wanted to say? I can tell when people are hiding something.” The other Mizuki asked after a silent journey to the top of a mountain, Mafuyu stranded at its precipice. 

“Yes. It seems I won’t be parting from them for a while, I’ll have the time to properly talk to them and the rest.”

“Use that time wisely, then. That’s all I can say.”

“I will.”

And then she fell.

Mafuyu stared at the archive like it had somehow personally offended her. It wasn’t even that heavy of one, so she had absolutely no excuse. None whatsoever.

“I can see why she’s having difficulty with it,” Mafuyu muttered. The song wasn’t bad, Niigo had had worse issues during production than this. Maybe stress really was getting to them all, and they’re just acting willfully ignorant to it. Easier to see now, but it didn’t solve anything.

She closes her eyes and listens to it again. The sound hurts her ears. She purposely listened on the loudest volume to drown everything out, including her thoughts. 

A short melody washed over Mafuyu like it always did. One minute. A simple one minute. 

It ended once again. Her thoughts quickly went to what it always did during these times: Her 

friends. Her parents. Her schoolwork. In that exact order. Absentmindedly, she shook her snowglobe.

“You said you were dead.”

“So I did.”

“And the others? Are they too?”

“They might. I don’t know how to change that.”

“It’s okay.”

“Weren’t you mad about that? That I might not be able to help you.”

“No. Not that I would know, at least. It doesn’t feel like rage.”

“Hm. I see.”

“Kanade. At that time, I wasn’t able to reach you. It wasn’t me who fell, was it?”

“Yes, you went after me.”

“And I wasn’t able to save Mizuki or Ena either.”

“No. Nothing changed, I’m sorry, Mafuyu.”

“Your song was good, I have no idea why you were so nervous about it.” The specter laughed.

“Me neither. It wasn’t me who made it after all, right?”

“...No.” She stared at the ceiling. “No, you didn’t.”

“You should go to sleep.”

“Sorry, I need to do something, while I still can.”

“Okay.” Kanade smiled. “I believe in you, Mafuyu.”

— January 27th —

“Can I show you something?”

Her Sekai was brighter than she remembered. Despite its gray hues dominating every spot of her peripheral vision, Mafuyu strangely couldn’t think of it as the cold that would envelop her as she disappeared, fated to that single feeling she got from Kanade’s first song. 

Speaking of, in the only space of that world that contained a small bit of color, was the girl she was looking for. Kanade’s eyes were wide, likely surprised by the sudden intrusion of someone she hasn’t really heard of from a few days already. 

“Mafuyu? Is- is it that late already?” 

“No, I just got home.”

“Oh.” Kanade looked down, sparks of realization setting in. “And is it okay for you to be here?”

“I don’t know. No one was there when I arrived. I think they went out to buy the rest.”

“The rest of…?”

“Father wanted me to come up with things I wanted for today. I just picked whatever I could think of.”

“I see… I- We– We were doing the same.” She gestured towards the place. There were some triangular flags on the ground all connected by a thread long enough tobe attached on the pillars around the sekai. By Kanade’s feet, she could see cups and plates neatly stored. They were all purple.

“It’s good to see you, Mafuyu.” Miku smiled. She had tiny party hats on both of the twintails. Mafuyu nodded. “Mizuki was here as well, but they wanted to get more pillows and cloth to make it more you.”

“I see.” 

“Ena is still sleeping, I don’t think she thought you’d be here so soon,” Kanade said.

“I didn’t either.”

“Oh.”

“...”

“...”

“Didn’t you want to show her something, Mafuyu?” Miku tried. 

“Ah, yes.” She snapped back from Kanade’s gaze. It was so strange, to see her safe and sound, when her every vision of the girl was one of sickly pale skin and occasional transparency. “It’s… it’s a song.”

“A song?” Kanade blinked. 

“I took the demo you left on our folders and tried to complete it, basically.”

“Without your synthesizer?”

“I had to go to through some not very safe sites to get a functional emulator.”

“You could’ve asked. I’d, um, be more than happy to lend you some of my equipment.”

“Sure, but this was meant to be a surprise. I did it on a whim, after all.”

“A whim.”

“Thankfully, I was able to get rid of everything after I was done.” She handed Kanade her phone and a pair of earphones. The girl looked at it and Mafuyu, back and forth. “You can listen to it.”

“I know.” She smiled. “Can we listen to it together?”

“I listened to bits of it as I made it, though.”

“So not the full thing.” Kanade concludes. “Then, I’d be happy to hear what kind of sound you created but so should you.”

“... Okay.” She sat beside Kanade, and they both stared at the screen as Mafuyu opened her files and played the song. 

Kanade’s tune was chaotic, a way to give energy for the viewer and give off a state of alarm as the lyrics would play out. She could gather that much from the work Ena and Mizuku had done based on the few notes. And Mafuyu could understand that from the demo. 

The issue, she guessed, was that it was aimless. You can’t pinpoint what you are supposed to feel after the initial blast, and it doesn’t give you any more than a want to start something but lose that motivation as soon as you do it. 

Kanade wanted to make ode after ode for Mafuyu, she could really believe that after all of this time. Yet still, at some point, maybe Mafuyu stopped seeing her on the same level that she was. Kanade was beyond Mafuyu, she suffered and suffered but she could give reason to her curse. 

It was hard to peel that image off, hard to accept that for all the progress Mafuyu had gone through. She was starting to fear the consequential changes of that growth. To see that Kanade, Ena and Mizuki were more than Mafuyu used to be willing to understand. That they could burn her, that they could go out at any second if not nurtured back. 

When she started to remake the song, the first thing Mafuyu did was spill all of those thoughts by trial and error. She produced a melody that could represent each of Niigo and allowed it to mesh with the hymn Kanade had made to her. That song wasn’t meant to one or two of them, it was them as a group. It was Mafuyu attempting to understand and reach back.

“Mafuyu.” Kanade let out a shaky breath. Breathing. Mafuyu was glad to see her breathing. “What were you thinking of when you made this?”

“... I think, I thought about Niigo. And the warmth I feel whenever I think of that.”

“I see… I see.” Maybe she should hug her. If Mafuyu was someone else, maybe she would. “Can I write lyrics for this?”

“You shouldn’t overwork yourself, Kanade.”

“None of us should.” She agreed. “But I want to. I want-”

“I doubted you, for some time. I could believe you would try everything to save me, but I would wonder if you would be able to.” Mafuyu finally admitted. Curiously, it came out smoother than one could imagine. Despite that, Kanade’s silent confusion prompted her to speak more. 

“A lot has been happening these days,” she offered. “And, this is my answer to it.” She pointed at her phone.

Kanade followed her gaz and played with her hair in her musings. 

“Mafuyu, maybe you should let Kanade answer.” Mafuyu almost forgot Miku was still there, now sat on the other side of the table, setting plates on it. “Your song was an answer to a question none of us know. Shouldn’t Kanade be allowed to give a proper reaction back?”

“W-wait. I don’t want to force that on you either.” Kanade flushed.

“It’s fine. Miku isn’t wrong.”

“Huh?”

“I’ll let you take over my spot like I took over yours,” Mafuyu smiled. “I’ll trust your word, once again.”