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he clenches his fists until his knuckles turn white, and he wants to howl. he wants to hit the ground with these fists; he wants to cry, and he falls on his knees, helplessly clutching to himself what is left in his bed: the snow-white band from the hands of whom he loved the most in the world.
he agreed to wait as long as was needed. he agreed and placed his life at the other's disposal. he ripped his heart out of his chest and gave it away, and now it was brought back.
it is dark in the chambers, and he feels getting scared by the darkness. such a creature as him, who spent in the darkness decades of his life from the very childhood, now fears it more than anything in the world.
because he has gotten used to the light.
he has gotten used to the light that has abandoned him.
he throws himself on the table in an attempt to reach the door. his legs tangle up in the bedsheet, which makes him stumble, and he rips his palms until they bleed because he broke the inkpot when he overturned the table; he screams while getting off the floor, and he screams while opening the door, and there is no one behind it.
he calls him, and he says his name; he calls him "your highness", and he calls him "gege", but he doesn't return, and he doesn't come because he has left him, left, left, left.
he kicks the bamboo mat, and he smears the blood from his palms on the walls, and he leaves traces of the black ink all over the room, and he crumples the bedsheet, and he thrashes about over the wall in horror, and he has to put on the light, but he will not do that.
someone like him has to rot in the darkness he was born in.
the cursed creature should have never been around his jewel.
hua cheng has poisoned his highness with his speeches. hua cheng has put poison in his loving, pure heart, and it was all hua cheng's fault.
his ashes were nowhere to be found: he was not even able to feel them, and dirty beasts like him are always drawn to their ashes. it must be the survival instinct, and that is probably why it is not working now since he needs his ashes not to save his life.
hua cheng moans, sliding down the wall, and his red clothes become darker with the blood, and he sinks his claws into his own throat, knowing well that it is of no use.
hua cheng cries like a small offended child, and hua cheng draws a distance shortening array with trembling fingers covered in his own blood to immediately appear in the one and only place he wants to go to at this time.
no, he does not deserve forgiveness, and he knows that, and the world crumbles and collapses right under his feet. no, he does not deserve anything, except death, and he just feels, and knows, that he must apologize. he must apologize not because he wants to be forgiven, but because...
...because his highness crown prince has to know that he did not mean that. and he wants to say, so he will know that he did the right thing when he decided to leave.
he wants to say that he repents. he wants to say that it was unacceptable for him to behave that way. he wants to admit that he is nothing, not for xie lian to pity him, but only to state the fact.
hua cheng appears in front of an altar, and hua cheng prostrates himself at the feet of a most beautiful statue. he is ashamed to look at it, and he is ashamed to lift his eye to the beautiful, slightly smiling face. he is scared to touch the jade, yet so lifelike, clothes; and he is ashamed that he is now on his knees before the person who did not want anyone anytime to pray to him like this.
"if you hear me now, your highness, if only you hear me, please, let me say one thing, please, listen. i was wrong, i admit it, and i do not ask for your forgiveness because i have not deserved it. i have allowed myself unforgivable things, and i have allowed myself what i must have never allowed myself. i only want you to know that i am glad that you have left because you should have done that, because you should live well and happily, and it will not work out with me."
he has tried to stifle sobs in his voice so that xie lian does not worry about him since he will worry even about a dirtbag like him because he has the kindest heart of all the kindest hearts.
"i only want you to be happy. i have made a mistake, and i know that I do not deserve life, let alone forgiveness, but you are so kind to not have given my ashes back, knowing what i would do with them, but i ask you, i ask you, even though i have no right to ask, i ask you to give them back to me because i do not need a life in which i do not have you. i do not oblige you: if you want it to be my punishment, you are fully entitled to do so, but i beg you to give them back to me..."
when the temple of his highness cracks above his head, slowly collapsing its vault, hua cheng knows that he has deserved that. in a mirror surface near the statue he sees an ugly creature rubbing his tears across his disgusting face. never was he good enough, but he was loved still. nasty features, nasty empty eye socket, nasty hair, nasty lips, nasty nose, nasty grey skin, and he was loved even the way he is, and he had absolutely not deserved that...
hua cheng does not dare to break the mirror in the holy temple. it breaks on its own when a small stone from a collapsing vault hits it.
hua cheng does not make a sound when wood boards and stones fall on his shoulders and head. he howls only when the statue shatters before his eyes.
"san lang, san lang, san lang."
somebody is shaking him by his shoulders, and when his eyelids lift, he sees his jewel before him.
he jumps up, covering his face with his hands and pressing himself into the head of the bed so that the dear hands do not touch his cursed body, and he feels his hands getting wet.
"san lang, shhh."
xie lian puts a finger to his lips and obediently pulls away.
"hush, hush, don’t be afraid, everything’s all right, everything’s all right!"
there is fright on the beautiful face, and the ghost king, not understanding anything, sighs in amazement, even though he does not need to breathe at all. while moving even more towards the head of the bed, he keeps silent, and wiping tears from his face, he feels so guilty...
"what's happened, my dear san lang? what's happened? what did you dream about? why did you cry so loud?"
hua cheng tosses his head, casting away the remnants of sleep. he feels sick: he has never thought that he would end up in a situation like this, and now he has no idea what to say.
"what's happened? maybe i should bring you some water? please, don't be afraid, everything's all right, can i hug you?"
gege is so scared, so worried, and it gives hua cheng shivers down his spine, and finally he shakes his head in answer to the first question.
then he opens his mouth, and his voice now sounds very hoarse and weak.
"only if gege wants to hug me, i dare not object."
"and what does san lang want?"
the question, asked so simply, confounds him. he shakes his head in hesitation while groping for his eye patch under the pillow. now he feels doubly ashamed that he is looking like this in front of xie lian and is not even covering the ugly scar on his face. he mentally scolds himself for this blunder. a few weeks ago, he started to take it off before bedtime or when he and his highness were alone because the latter said that he was very beautiful, but now he is ashamed of his missing eye, and he is ashamed of his tears, and he is ashamed for waking him up with his cry, apparently, and for scaring him so much.
"i'm all right, gege," he assured, "sorry for waking you up. everything's all right, would you like some tea?"
he looks down in guilt, intending to get up from the bed, and wraps up his nightclothes tighter, — the last thing he needs is xie lian seeing his naked, streaked by nasty scars torso — but the gentle hands stop him cautiously.
hua cheng tries to pull away, biting his lip, but suddenly he is tightly and very gently hugged.
"forgive me, forgive me," he asks, unable to help himself, "i'm very sorry for what i've told you last night, i'm not worthy to live in this world, and i'm not worthy to be with you, and i'm..."
xie lian takes his face in his hands and quickly covers his cheeks with kisses, then forehead, then chin, then kisses him in his eye patch, and the tears traitorously begin to flow again.
"san lang, hush, please, don't say that, you can cry if you want, just, please, don't say that."
he presses his head to his chest, and hua cheng's heart sinks in pain.
last night they had a disagreement, and he allowed himself to be impudent...
"i want to go to the tonglu mountain and talk with jun wu there," xie lian said suddenly, which made hua cheng grasp the feather in his hand tighter. "i think he deserves to at least have someone to talk with him sometimes."
hua cheng felt anger at just hearing the name, and looked up at the crown prince in confusion. he did not want to object to him, but he had promised himself to always be honest with him and had never broken this promise.
"he is responsible for everything that has happened to you, gege. had it not been for him, you wouldn't have to go through all the horrible things you had to. he deserves to be there forever, and he deserves to sink into oblivion and never talk with anybody. i wish him to croak there, even if he can't. let him feel all the burden of immortality, and let him ask the emptiness for death. why do you want to visit him? why do you think that he deserves this?"
something changed in xie lian's eyes. it was... resentment? the ghost king became scared by that; therefore, he fell silent so that the other could speak.
"i am aware of this, san lang," he said calmly and kindly, but hua cheng was already starting to feel that something was off in his tone, "but had it not been for him, i would never have learnt anything. had it not been for him, i would still be the foolish crown prince, who thought that everything in life is nice and easy, and more importantly i wouldn't be with you now.
the supreme bowed his head in disagreement.
"you had saved me even before the whole story began."
"but you would likely not become a supreme ghost, san lang."
"but even so, it doesn't mean anything! i would've agreed to die a death of a common man from a random disease sometime in my fifties, or even to be killed in a street fight, or what else mortals die from, if i had known that it would have saved you, gege, from all the suffering you had gone through."
xie lian grimaced painfully, as if something in his body hurt, which made hua cheng uneasily approach him.
"does anything hurt?" he asked.
"no," he answered with strange, uncharacteristic coldness in his voice, "i just wish that you would think about yourself. i just wish, san lang, that you wouldn't say things like these. i understand that you became a ghost only because you had to undergo no less than i had and you were in great pain, but what would i have done without you? what would i have done if you had remained a mortal citizen of xianle and had simply died sometime? what would happen to me now? are you not enjoying living now? remaining alive? just being in this world?"
"gege's feelings are more important to me, and his well-being is my priority. i just know that you would be much happier if you hadn't had to go through all that horror."
"and i know that i would be unhappy to learn that my most devoted believer had died!"
xie lian spoke as if he was in great pain, and the ghost king became truly terrified by that. he put the brush aside and spread his arms in an attempt to calm him down, and he was about to start apologizing, but xie lian continued:
"you don't think about yourself. you're willing to die for me, but i don't want this! i want you to love me, and i want you to think about yourself and not only about me! forgive me, please, san lang, but i want to go to bed now. let's talk about this tomorrow. i'm sorry."
and then he went away, got into bed and fell asleep. for a long time, hua cheng did not dare to lie beside him, but in the end, foolishly hoping for forgiveness, lied next to him. he fell asleep, even though he did not have to sleep at all because it is not essential for demons, hoping that this would make gege happy since he loved when hua cheng slept beside him. he absolutely had to apologize tomorrow, and even though the argument may have seemed to be just a small skirmish, which is not a big deal, to other people, for him, it was almost the end of the world. he should not have said such things and should not have made his highness upset.
and hua cheng fell asleep beside him, and in the end he dreamed that xie lian abandoned him, leaving behind only his band and a note, saying that it could not go on like this anymore and that he was angry and hurt and that he was just tired of this all...
and so now, when they have both woken up, he comforts him, touches him, even though hua cheng does not deserve this...
xie lian has a giant heart, which can contain all the world.
he takes his clawed paws in his neat hands and caresses them, pushing on the centre of his palm to sober him up.
"san lang, i love you a lot."
the gentle hands stroke his forearms.
"i love you also because you don't always agree with me. i love you for who you are, and i don't see anything bad in you at all. you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. please, tell me, what did you dream about? i would really like to talk about this with you."
the supreme ghost king swallows, looking into the eyes of his lover, and grasps his fingers in his own, holding them to his face. he kisses each of his fingers, tenderly and gently, and he feels giving himself to him and feels such trust and love now, though does not understand at all how he could have deserved them. xie lian wipes the remaining trails of tears away and kindly smiles at him, and hua cheng feels his heart beating as if it is living.
at this moment, he wants to embrace his highness and never let him go. he feels such... gratitude, such stunning love and does not know at all how to express them. the only thing he chooses is to be honest, as always. to not conceal nor hide anything.
"i was worried after our argument. i went to sleep, thinking that, in the morning, you would appreciate that i had slept next to you because i know that you like this... but i happened to dream about bad things. my worst nightmare is to lose you. and i dreamed about losing you. i dreamed that i woke up in the morning, and you were nowhere to be found. there was only ruoye and a note, saying that you were leaving because you were tired and you did not want to suffer anymore. i dreamed that you took my ashes away and i visited your temple to pray, apologize and ask you to bring my ashes back so that..."
"so that you destroyed them?" xie lian asks cautiously. there is no anger in his eyes, and he is still smiling with only a small hint of sadness hiding in this wonderful smile.
"yes, gege."
xie lian sighs and, passing his hand over the black hair of his lover, tucks a strand behind his ear.
"san lang."
his voice sounds as affectionate and full of love as before, but also very firm.
"yes?"
"i won't abandon you. moreover, there is no way i will leave you like this. i love you more than anything in the world. i know that i can hardly influence your decision about your life, but i would really like you to listen to me now."
"i listen, gege."
"you have the full right to tell me when you disagree with me. you can point out my mistakes. you can get annoyed, and even feel anger, when i do something you don't want me to do. i will always accept your opinion, even if it's different from mine, and i won't consider it to be wrong. i may not always act the way you want me to, but i won't be angry only because you think otherwise."
hua cheng wants to say something, but xie lian touches his cheek, bringing his face close to the hua cheng's.
"the thing we were talking about yesterday is indeed a hard question. i was frustrated not by those words of yours specifically, but in general by the fact that you undervalue and hate yourself so much. because for me you are the brightest star in the night firmament. no one can compare to you. you are amazing and excellent at everything, and you deserve only the best treatment. i want you to know this. it's a great honor for me..."
he pauses, still looking at the ghost with his bottomless eyes.
"...that you love me."
hua cheng exhales helplessly, allowing himself to sniff rudely without thinking that it can be unpleasant.
"you are my undoing, gege. i..."
"you love me?"
xie lian chuckles so warmly that hua cheng is ready to die on the spot.
he loves. he adores. he is ready for everything.
the gentle, slender fingers subtly take the patch off again. with his warm lips, xie lian touches the closed eyelid.
then the lips.
then he looks at hua cheng carefully and with love.
"i do," says the man in red.
"you should love and value yourself because you're a treasure. the most precious and beautiful the world has ever seen. do you believe me?"
the crystal tear is picked up with a weightless movement of the lips.
in hua cheng's dark world, there is and remains this bright and warm light. and even though there are a lot of things he can hate himself for, they seem such a trifle to him now. taking a deep breath, he feels alive, real
and deserving of the love he is given.
he slowly sits down on the bed, allowing himself to press against the chest of his highness, who has lied beside him. he feels greatly honored and as if he has ascended.
"will you take me with you when you go to the tonglu mountain?"
"sure, if you want me to."
hua cheng closes his eyelids while yawning.
the love feels in the air. it takes him a long time to taste the words he wants to say with his tongue.
"i do. but i still disagree with the fact that he deserves your company."
xie lian giggles, kissing his husband on the top of his head.
"i'm glad that you've told me that you disagree."
hua cheng rises a bit, looking into the prince's eyes again. hua cheng is serious, but there is an enthusiastic smile on his lips.
"you are the best, the cleverest, the kindest and the most beautiful person," he says.
"and for me it's you," the god replies. "do you believe me after all, san lang?"
long pause. a silver butterfly lands on xie lian's shoulder.
inside hua cheng, something is changing now.
the main rule for him is to always be honest with his highness.
therefore, lifting his chin a bit, he says:
"you know, gege. i think i do."