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Historia normally enjoyed parties. She wasn’t a party girl, like Hitch or Sasha (at least, she didn’t consider herself as such), but she normally had a lot of fun.
Which was why she felt particularly uneasy tonight. Here she was, hovering awkwardly in the taprooms, the overpowering aroma of beer and sweat intertwining with the scent of her perfume, when she should be mingling with the others and socialising. Really, she just didn’t think she clicked with the rest of Hitch’s crowd.
Not that she should be complaining really. In fact it was because of Hitch that she was here in the first place. She accepted the invitation, after all, she didn’t have to. And Hitch was a nice girl. At least, she thought so- she could be kind of mean sometimes, but it’s never serious and it was extremely generous of her to rent out the bar. She wondered how a college student could even afford it, but before she could think about it too hard, she just put it down to Hitch’s weirdly rich family. She talked a lot about her parents sending her money and how she only had to work a few hours on weekends.
Another drink slid over to her and she glanced up. Right, this was the guy that Hitch wanted her to meet. That she was supposed to have been in conversation with for the last couple of hours.
“His name’s Reiner”, she’d said, pulling up his Instagram next to Historia, manicured nails scrolling through posts of football games and grills and hikes and bodybuilding. “You’ve seen him around before, he’s in your social work class. He told me he thinks you’re cute.”
“Mm.” This was true- he was the guy who always sat three seats behind her. Well, now she knew why he always did that.
“Come on Historia. He kind of looks like you, you’d be a good-looking couple.” Hitch pressed on, eager to play the match-maker.
She still wasn’t convinced. Was it really worth going to a party just to meet some guy who hadn’t even gotten the courage to talk to her in class? He’d gone to Hitch to get her attention. That wasn’t exactly screaming date material.
“Plus, that shows he cares about like, empowering families and helping kids and stuff, right? He’s a sweet guy.”
“On Saturday I was gonna start my essay.” she said doubtfully. This was technically true but was more of an excuse than anything, and she knew that Hitch could tell.
“Look, it’s not like I’m telling you to marry the guy, just, if you decide to come along, give him a chance, okay? He’s friends with Annie.”
Historia didn’t know Annie that well, partly because she was so quiet and mostly answered with one-word answers. But Hitch always hung around her and she didn't seem shady by any means. “...Alright, I’ll come.”
Hitch had grinned at her, and squeezed her arm gently, brown curls bobbing around her cheeks. “Thanks, I knew I could count on you. I’ll message you the details later, kay?”
Historia stared down at the beer, and then back up at Reiner again. “Thanks.” she said, giving him a smile that she hoped looked appreciative. But he kept buying her drinks, and she kept not drinking them, so she supposed she didn’t seem that appreciative at all.
There was an awkward silence between the two that was undercut by the opening chords of ‘Don’t You Want Me?’ by the Human League. Reiner could probably tell that the drink was just going to sit to the side with the three other full cups he’d also paid for. Did he think it would win her favour or something? Kind of a waste of money.
“So.” Oh dear, he was talking again. “What do you major in?”
“We’re in the same class for social work.”
"Wait, shit, sorry-”
“It doesn’t really matter.”
“No, it’s my bad, it’s just I didn’t really know what to say and-”
“Yeah, I get it.” she replied, wanting to sigh but not wanting to seem rude and offend him. Instead she opted for a heavy breath out of her nostrils. That was such a dude question to ask, Jesus.
It wasn’t that she was irritated by him, more that she just didn’t really click with him (this seemed to have been a common theme so far tonight). An uneasy knot of guilt tied artfully in her stomach- he really was trying. Reiner had asked about her hobbies, and complimented her way too many times, and told her about his music taste, and wanted to know which state she came from, and what she wanted to do as a career- but she was just being stiff and awkward and making everything difficult. This was definitely not what he’d had in mind when meeting her.
“You look really pretty tonight.”
Seriously. Again? She nodded as a thank you, because what else was she supposed to do? He’d run out of compliments and was repeating himself now.
It was then that she became extremely aware of how big he looked compared to her. He was beefy, with a strong jawline, and heavy set eyebrows. He definitely worked out. As for her, she could see a warped version of herself reflected in the dirty silver of the taps on the bar. She already knew that she was pretty slim, but her body twisted into a twig decorated in an equally distorted mini dress. Her facial features squished together disconcertingly. It was as if she was looking at herself through a miniature funhouse mirror. Next to the brawn of the man that was Reiner, she felt tiny. Like a parody, an amalgamation of girlhood.
Hitch was right, they could have been a good-looking couple, but she didn’t fit the role of a date- or at least the role of Reiner’s date. ln any other universe they would be two connecting pieces in a puzzle.
She hadn’t had this much faith in the judgement of Hitch of all people before. So this shouldn’t matter. And yet it felt like it did.
She at least owed him the pleasure of being a less awful date.
“I feel bad. I keep letting you buy me drinks.” she confessed, after a moment. “How about I buy you something instead?”
Reiner’s thick eyebrows lifted in subtle surprise. “Uh- yeah, of course… I guess I’ll take a beer?”
Quickly, she dug her purse out of her bag, and reached out to grab the bartender’s attention- but then of course her elbow just had knock against the glass that Reiner had just bought her.
Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit, were the exact thoughts blaring in her mind right now. Her dress dripped with the stains of alcohol and white foam. Beer ran down her leg, almost creating the illusion she’d wet herself. How humiliating.
“Oh man, Historia- hey, ‘scuse me-” Reiner started calling for the bartender’s help. In the muffled background of her embarrassment, she could hear him asking for paper towels, like she was a little girl who had just ruined her best dress at a birthday party instead of a college-age young woman. She wouldn’t be surprised if the heat flushing in her cheeks actually melted her makeup off.
An “I’m really sorry-” eventually forced its way out of her throat. “I’m just gonna go to the bathroom- I’ll come back-”
She didn’t bother listening out for his response.
God, what a trainwreck, she thought, hustling through the rabble, the warmth of her own burning shame and the hot intimacy between other human bodies rising through her. She didn’t know why she’d bothered to come. Wait, yes she did; it was to make Hitch happy, and to feel sociable, and to make Reiner happy too despite the fact she barely knew him.
It shouldn’t have been a big deal at all, other students go to parties and meet dates all the times, but she’d dressed herself up in her favourite mini dress and given herself pink make-up to match, and now she’d made a fool out of herself. She looked ridiculous. She was sweating through her foundation. The candyfloss colour of her dress was stained brown. Reiner probably thought she was way too immature to be around after this. Actually, she wasn’t sure whether she should be upset or relieved. At least it would mean she wouldn’t have to agree to any future dates or give him her number, or something. Maybe it was more just the fact it happened around a guy that her friend hoped she’d be interested in, rather than Reiner himself.
Finally pushing open the bathroom door, she was confronted with white lighting that made her squint, the faint smell of bleach- and a girl?
She seemed similar to Historia’s age, slumped against the shiny walls, one lanky leg stretched out aimlessly on the floor, and the other propped up for her to lean her head against.
Cautiously, she leaned down in front of the girl and placed her hand on her shoulder. “Hey, are you okay?”
Her head rose lazily and made eye contact with Historia through half-lidded pupils. Behind the fringe of her shaggy half-mullet, her eyes were an earthy brown, freckles dotting her nose like splashes of pen ink. “....Yeahhh, why wouldn’t I be??”
Oh great, her words were slurred. No wonder she was lying like this in the toilets, she was definitely drunk. “Well, you just looked like you’d been left here. I thought you were sick or unconscious.”
“I’m totally awake though, I’m fine… My head just hurts, it’s real loud out there…”
Historia tilted her head in concern. “Just how drunk are you?”
“Ha, how about you ask Bertie?” (Bertie? What kind of nickname was that?) “It was like, four hours ago when we got here, and he really likes Annie and he has it bad for her, but I was like ‘psssh- no way’ because Annie is toootally into girls so he was all sad and then he said….. Something.” She paused in the middle of waving her hands about. Historia could see the gears slowly turning in her head, trying to search for the next thing that happened within the fog. Her nose wrinkled in thought, freckles convening together.“ And then I said he was too nerdy for a hardcore chick like her anyways and maybe he’d be more confident if he got some beer in him so I got him a drink and he got me one and it sorta turned into like, a competition soooo… I started to feel ill and….. yeah…”
She trailed off, cheeks turning slightly red, kind of like a naughty schoolboy forced to own up to his misdeeds in front of a teacher. A carefree grin stupidly plastered itself over her face. Her freckles started to part company again as her mouth stretched. Historia let out another half-sigh through her nose- she supposed she’d better phone the girl a taxi now. It wasn’t like she could just leave her there.
Freckles let out what was kind of a giggle. “Hey, your breath tickles…”
“Look, I think you should go home. Do you want me to phone you a taxi?”
“Look at you, being all conscience- conscious-”
“Conscientious?”
“Yeahhh, that. What are you, like a knight-in-shining-armour or something???” Her forehead puckered, she reached out, and brushed her fingers clumsily against Historia’s blonde hair. “Nahh… You’re like, the fairy princess, coming to whisk me away with your magic wand.”
Great. As if she didn’t already feel like a child. “Thanks, I guess.” she replied tensely.
Freckles pouted. “Awww, don’t be like that… It’s ‘cause you’re so pretty!”
The image of a lumbering Reiner standing tall over her, sliding her drinks she wasn’t going to drink and repeating the same compliment over and over flashed in her mind. This time though, it sounded strangely pleasant coming from the merry slur of the odd girl she’d just met in the public bathroom.
The corners of Historia’s lips quirked up a little. It was a little endearing, and Freckles probably made a lot better company than Reiner anyway. “I can’t just leave you here. I can call you a taxi if you want, but if not, somebody will have to take you home.”
“Ehhh, it’s fine. I have like, a fifteen minute walk home anyways.” she shrugs, though in a manner in which her shoulders looked like they were carrying weights. She was obviously tired. “You go throuuugh the park, then down a couple streets, and then you’re there!”
“I’ll take that as a no, then.” She paused. Historia thought about her stained dress and the sticky humidity of the bar. She thought about Reiner (God, Reiner ) puffed up like a toad in mating season, probably waiting apprehensively for her return. Then she looked at the girl with the freckles and thought about her being left to loll around in the bathroom until closing time. Okay, that was dramatic, she knew somebody would find her before then, but it would be irresponsible to just leave her nonetheless.
“How about I walk with you, then?”
“Awwww, you’d do that for me??” Freckles’ boyishly charming grin stretched ever wider. “That’s too sweet…. If you insist, babe.”
Though unexpected, Historia didn’t protest the pet name. She let the girl clasp her arm, and pulled her up, wobbling slightly, until they were both standing. Freckle’s gangling arms went round her shoulders, and in turn Historia kept her own supportively around the girl’s waist. Freckles was way taller than her, probably 5’7 or 5’8- internally she felt somewhat relieved to be wearing heels, even if they were only small ones. It made their height difference a little less embarrassing.
“You ready to start moving?” she asked gently.
“Ready as I’ll ever be.” The other girl’s eyebrows raised impishly as she said this.
Historia took the first step forward, and Freckles’ legs buckled momentarily, followed by a series of ‘whoah whoah whoah’ and ‘you okay there?’ until she was back on her feet with Historia as a prop to lean on. As they started to shuffle forward again, Historia noticed their reflections in the bathroom mirror. The other girl was a lot taller and lankier than she was, yet each little harsh crevice in her figure seemed to easily fit around her own. A faint voice in the back of her head wondered if this is what guys felt like taking their girlfriends home after a night out.
The familiar wave of oppressive heat smothered the two of them as they left the bathroom. Historia winced through the dark lighting, hoping to find somebody she was familiar with so she could inform them of their departure, until her eyes landed on Annie in the corner of the room. Yes, that’d do, she was the only person she’d seen tonight who wasn’t almost a complete stranger. The taller of the two was heavy on Historia’s shoulders already, but she managed to stumble her way over to Annie without too much trouble.
“Annie?”
Annie’s voice was low and gravelly. “Historia.”
She embodied cool-girl indifference with ease, leaning against the corner away from the rest of the crowd, as if she was above them all and didn’t even have a clue. Her blue eyes only flickered up in acknowledgement, before going back to lighting the cigarette between her cracked fingers.
“Is it alright if you let Reiner know that I’m leaving?”
Annie drew a breath from the cigarette sharply, grey smoke clouding her face. She stared dumbly at Historia, not saying anything.
Uncomfortably, Historia shifted from one foot to the other. Truth be told, Annie’s stony demeanour combined with her leather jackets, ripped tights, and punk band t-shirts intimidated her.
“It’s because I’m taking-” she stopped in the middle of her sentence as she realised she didn’t actually know the name of the girl whose arms were draped around her right now. “Uh.” Another pause filled by background 80s synth beats overtook them again.
Annie raised what would be an eyebrow if she hadn’t shaved them off. “Ymir?”
“That’s meeee-” The previously nameless Ymir sang, muffled by her face hidden behind Historia’s head.
“Yeah, I’m uh, taking Ymir back home. So I’d appreciate if you did that. Let Reiner know, that is.”
She received a single nod and decided that was the best she was going to get out of Annie. She was going to begin manoeuvring Ymir around again, but was delayed when the other girl began speaking again.
“Yo Annie, cool badges.” She flopped her hand in a half gesture towards the array of obscure symbols pinned on the collar of Annie’s jacket.
The tension in Annie’s face relaxed, and though she couldn’t see Ymir’s face, she could tell they were looking at one another in a sort of solidarity- as if there was a secret code Historia didn’t know about for some reason. “Thank you.”
She imagined that Ymir was still staring down with that same languid gaze and ridiculous drunken smirk.
Historia glanced back to the front of the bar, where she could see a much more deflated Reiner still profusely apologising to the bartender- a short, dark-haired man who didn’t seem in the least bit thrilled to be working at half eleven on a Saturday night. It was probably best to leave while she still could.
“I think we need to leave now.” she prompted.
“Sure, sure.”
They turned away from Annie, who still was smoking (which Historia was 90% sure was not allowed inside).
“Ha, I knew it,” Ymir murmured in Historia’s ear. “Bertholdt can suck! My! Dick!”
“Huh? Oh-” Ymir’s ramble from a few minutes ago flashed in her head. “You think she’s a lesbian?”
“Duh. Double venus symbol pin. And badges with violets on them. It’s like, you know once you know.”
They were slowly stumbling down the street now (well, Ymir was, Historia was more being used like a walking stick), the music of the bar now almost muted behind them. She could still recognise those chords anywhere, though- ‘Mine’ by Taylor Swift. She pretty much had the entire Speak Now album memorised.
She felt cooler, freer now. The cold night air made her skin pimple and the hair on her legs stood on end.
“Historiaaa, I’m cold now.”
“You can have my cardigan if you want. I don’t know if it’ll fit though, you’re a lot taller than me.”
They both stopped so Ymir could lean against one of the walls. Historia handed the other girl her white cardigan. She couldn’t help but smile as Ymir fumbled awkwardly into something that obviously did not fit her. The sleeves were far too short for her, it didn’t match at all with her washed out jeans and Alice In Chains shirt. It wasn’t long before Ymir started wobbling around though, and Historia fell into her role as the pillar yet again. To be honest, she was starting to find herself rather taken with her.
“To get you home, we just need to go through the park, right?”
“Yeahhh.”
“The whole thing?”
“Mmm.”
Ymir’s breath was tickling down her neck as they struggled their way down the road and through the gates of the park. She wasn’t sure if it was just the cold that was making her hairs stand on end anymore.
Further in the darkness of the trees, Ymir’s arm fell round her waist, enveloping her. She was all too aware that Ymir could sense the rise and fall of her breath. Their footsteps rang out on the path with that hollow sound of night time in the city. Veering to one side, she steered Ymir onto the grass. Now there was only the rustling of leaves under their feet, the sharp smell of soil and moist plants in the summer air. The darker, quieter surroundings and cooler air seemed to have calmed Ymir down considerably- probably for the best.
“So, you go to our college with Hitch and Marlowe and those guys?” Historia struck up conversation, though she didn’t know how well it’d go due to Ymir’s drunken state.
“Yeah, umm, Hitch invited Annie who knows Reiner who’s friends with Bertholdt and I’m not really friends with Reiner or Hitch, but we get along I guess so… I kinda just asked if I could come along and Hitch seemed chill with it.”
“Yeah, I’m not too familiar with them either,” she admitted, “But she is nice. And her group seems solid. Annie’s cool, I think- she’s kind of scary though.”
“How come you bothered to come along if you’re not really friends with them then? Sounds like a big waste of time to me.” Ymir commented distractedly, oddly fascinated with the task of fiddling with one of the straps of Historia’s dress.
I could say the same for you, Historia thought in bemusement. “To be honest, it was actually to do with Reiner. Hitch told me that he was interested in me, and I should give him a chance. So I came, but it wasn’t really that great. Also I kind of just felt like I should, I guess.” She cringed internally thinking about their surface-level attempts at conversation.
“Ugh, that sucks!” Ymir proclaimed loudly all of a sudden, her voice almost whiney. “You should’ve had a way better date than him, he doesn’t know the first thing about talking to girls.”
“It wasn’t a date really. It was more just meeting him and talking. It just happened that he kind of sucked at flirting and stuff.”
She was unsure as to why she was being defensive over him, since they were unlikely to ever be close. Especially after the abrupt end to their encounter. And she hadn’t even told him that she was leaving. She’d gotten Annie to do it for her. She supposed she sucked at the whole ‘guy’ thing in her own right too, just as much as Reiner sucked at the whole ‘girl’ thing, and she felt guilty for judging him for asking to meet her through Hitch.
“Why’d you go along with it for so long if it was so bad then?” Ymir asked, the hand that had been fiddling with Historia’s sleeve now falling back around her waist again.
“He’s in my social work class. So I thought that showed he cared about helping people and he was a nice guy,” She had to pause, realising she was only echoing Hitch’s words. “Which he was. I guess I just didn’t click with him.”
Ymir nuzzled her face into Historia’s hair. “Your hair’s soft,” she breathed into Historia’s ear. “Social work major… You really are like some knight, or fairy …”Coming in, whisking me away from the bathroom… Working to help all kids in care… God, you’re totally my type…”
Oh?
She only just realised that she was being hit on.
Can we stop, just to register this? her mind demanded in disbelief. It wasn’t like she was averse to it, it was just- unexpected. She was used to girls just being naturally affectionate around her. Besides, Ymir was drunk, it felt wrong to encourage any romantic advances from her.
“Hey, hey, easy. You’re drunk. You’re mixing your words together.”
She hadn’t really thought about girls before. Guys had never really been appealing. Well, she’d dated them but it had been a two week long relationship with Eren in high school, and then she had gone out with Connie last year for a couple months. Safe to say, neither of them had been great boyfriends. Again, not because they’d done anything wrong, but she never got those butterflies that everyone talked about. In fact, she significantly remembered breaking up with Eren three days after they had kissed for the first time- it had been so stiff and clumsy. That wasn’t what romance was supposed to be like, was it?
By this point they’d exited through the park gates, and Historia wasn’t sure where she was supposed to go from this point.
“Which direction do we go?”
She felt Ymir’s chin lifting from the top of her head, and watched as she stretched a tanned arm right. “Just down this street. And then its the first house on the corner of the next. Number 1.” Ymir’s body shook with laughter, because apparently the fact that the first house was number one was deeply amusing.
The fact Ymir lived off-campus made a lot more sense- it explained why she’d never really seen her around before. Actually, why did she live here? Wasn’t student accommodation much easier for now?
“So, you live off-campus?”
“Mhm.”
“You live with family, then?”
“Not really…. Seriously, I couldn’t wait to get away from there. This college is far away from my hometown. Barely see them, ‘cept for a couple times during the holidays.”
“Oh- I’m sorry about that.” she replied genuinely.
“Nah, don’t be.”
Her flippant tone made Historia wonder what Ymir’s home life was like. Still, she didn’t pry. That was too invasive for a first meeting. “Isn’t living in student housing easier, though? It must be expensive living by yourself.”
“I mean yeah, but also no way would I resort to college apartments. I like being totally independent, and other people are kind of annoying… Not that you are though! I just don’t get along with other people that much- I’m kinda rude, honestly-” Her face turned red as she stumbled over her words.
“Don’t worry about it.”
There was a brief quiet, before she continued, “I don’t think you’re rude. You’ve been pretty nice to me so far.”
“Y’know, I really like you, Historia- always trying to do the best for people.”
“Hey, slow your roll,” she chuckled, “It’s only been like, twenty minutes.”
But Ymir’s words tugged on her insides, filling her with a mild anxiety. She went along with what Hitch said about Reiner- for what? Not to do a favour for a friend. To be seen as good? But a good what? A good woman? That was probably it, external validation. How selfish of me. She dated Eren because he liked her first, and it seemed almost like duty. Not out of reciprocating his feelings, but because, if a dude you’re close friends with tells you he likes you, what do you do, tell him no? It wasn’t like he coerced her or anything, but it’s a classic love story, really, echoed through all 20th and 21st century literature and film. You’re expected to go along with men’s advances. So that was what she did. Same with Connie- though she wasn’t especially close with him. He was a cool guy, and pretty funny, and they got along well, but they were more like friends who kissed sometimes and went on dates.
“I don’t know if I’m always trying to do the best for people.” she said doubtfully to nobody in particular.
“That’s cool though. I don’t think anybody is wholly selfless... Sorry, can you just gimme a sec, my head hurts and I wanna collect my thoughts together.”
Historia nodded.
“...Okay, this is prob'ly gonna be jumbled up. But like, nobody is always looking out for everyone else first, sometimes you gotta go along with what you want, and if that upsets people, they’ll just have to deal with it. Figure out what you want and go for it, that’s what I think. It’s what I did- dropped my family and ran as far as I could. Live for yourself, am I right?”
“Yeah.” she replied, gripping Ymir’s waist. “You’re probably right.”
“Always am.” She flashed a slightly more tired version of that easy-going smile from twenty minutes ago. "Ha, that was cheesy."
"That's alright."
The night air was cold, but Ymir’s arms were warm.