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Love is a strange thing. Sometimes you have a lot of it, sometimes you have none of it. Other times you just want it, but you don’t quite particularly have it.
It can be really damaging to the brain and to self esteem to deal with the fact that everybody around has the thing, but you. The thing that makes the person shine, call someone else’s attention, make them look at them with stars in their eyes. The thing that makes you feel wanted and, unironically or not, alive in some ways.
Nico was a liar and he was not so entirely ashamed of admitting this. He was a liar. He lied everytime someone talked about love, he lied everytime someone talked about romance, he lied everytime someone talked about romantic relationships.
Nico would talk about friendships and defend them with all his heart, after all he loved his friends with everything he had, the closest he even considered a part of his family, always including them when talking or thinking about family. But deep down, in the back of his mind and inside his heart, he knew the truth he wouldn’t say out loud.
Nico would never say that deep down he wishes for a big love. Someone that could love his flaws and forgive some of his mistakes because they would see beyond the angry, tough and cold persona. Someone who could hug him and not let go. Someone that he didn’t have to leave behind because of his job. Someone that could take him out of his comfort zone and make him experience things that he only ever dreamt about and never had enough courage to try by himself.
He wouldn't say a word about all of that even if his life depended on it. After all, he didn’t spend so many years of his life hating love and making disgusted faces and jokes about other people's declaration of love for nothing. He was too cynic and proud for that. He had a reputation to keep for God’s sake. And also because he didn’t know how to say otherwise. He couldn’t go and say to his family and friends “Hey, you remember all those times when I said I don’t like declarations and affections and hate feelings? Great, they were all lies” .
But then, out of nowhere, Lewis showed up to him. Not in a mysterious or lovely way, he just appeared and Nico didn’t have a word or action against it because he didn’t realize it. They were just friends for a long time and that was just that. Nico always claimed he was focused on his career and professional life enough to not have time for love, but how could he keep up with that answer when Lewis was right in front of him? When Lewis was everywhere he was, went to every place he went, was both in his professional and personal lives?
Of course that doesn't sound like a reasonable explanation, he could've fallen for anyone, he was surrounded by people all the time. However, life had other plans, apparently.
Nico doesn’t want to be the kind of person that resumes their lives and happiness based on a romantic relationship and being with someone by their side, he doesn’t condemn them, but he’s not sure he should leave his friends and family behind just because of a new relationship. At the same time he can’t deny the romantic love, the feeling of being loved in a romantic way, the feeling of being wanted, does feel good.
The worst part, Nico thinks, is that he almost had it. He almost had something that he had been wanting and was waiting for so long. It was there, he could feel it, touch it even, and it disappeared with just a snap of fingers.
The worst part also is that Nico refused to acknowledge even to himself that he craved it, for intimacy, for love, for affection, for attention, for touches, everything. When he almost got it, he thought it was possible. It was possible for him to feel wanted and loved in a way that he could only think about in the late hours of the night. In a way that everyone around but him had experienced before.
But then it all went away, and he hates himself for feeling like this. Vulnerable and lonely, and he feels everything coming back to him, he feels the rejection, the fear, and the loneliness crawling at the back of his mind.
His mind screams how much he almost had it, and he hates himself even more because he lets himself be open to think and to consider the possibilities. For the first time, he felt like it could happen, and he was prepared to let it be, but it didn't, and he can't forgive himself for hope.
Now, everything comes back to him. He feels like he's never gonna be loved, never will be wanted, and never will be held.
Nico knows it's all only on his mind. It's not rational. It's not true. He knows he can't predict the future, and he knows he has a career to focus on, but he also knows that the voices in his head won't shut up. The feeling of loneliness won't disappear, and he will keep looking at couples making faces at them when, in fact, they have what he wants, but can't bring himself to admit it.
Nico also knows he's proud and a little bit cynic. He won't admit he wishes for things he might never have, and he won't talk about feelings. God, he won't even admit he has them.
Maybe that's his problem, the fact that he might seem apathetic or distant towards someone else's initiatives. Maybe the fact that he doesn't know how to deal with feelings is the problem.
Either way, Nico still doesn't know where it all went wrong. He doesn't want to think about it, but unfortunately that's all that comes into his mind. The good morning messages to the late night conversations on holidays. Everything's lost and Nico doesn't know what happened.
Maybe it's his fault, maybe it's not.
So he waits, what for exactly he’s not sure. It can be a miracle, it can be a chance, it can be an unimaginable case scenario that changes his whole life from day to night. Anything.
Nico always waited for a big event, something to make him feel alive. The idea of pain is welcome and not strange at all to him, as well as the idea of running away from his feelings and the mere thought of being true and honest about them.
At some point Nico put himself out in the open there and he just said without words “you can do anything you want with me, my heart is yours because how could it not be?” and now he knows he has to deal with the impact and the consequences of his choices. It’s okay, really, he has survived worse.
So, yeah, it’s okay. Nico just needs to turn his attention to what he has to do. Wake up early and go out on a run. Study strategies. Focus on his career. Ignore his thoughts and the voices in his head. Training and workout, and, somehow, still manage to get enough time to sleep.
For now, though, he just needs to sleep and put his body to a very deserved and needed rest first. The sunbeams touch his skin through the curtains, his eyes are dry and his limbs feel way more heavy than they probably are, but it’s okay. He’s gonna be fine.