Chapter Text
It was late.
The Sharp Tank was nearly empty, everyone asleep or at least in their rooms.
Benny was wandering the halls, his brain too loud to sleep, but too tired to safely work on any mechs. He’d made himself something to eat, drunk some coffee to try and quiet his mind, and had laid in bed for a few hours before finally admitting he wasn’t going to sleep tonight.
His feet carried him through the building, his mind flitting from idea to idea, memory to memory, thought to thought. He was pulled from his daze by a brush of cold air, shocking him back into his body. He’d wandered out in front of the base, shoes crunching on frosty grass and hard packed earth. He turned to go back inside, but a shadow in the distance caught his attention.
The Sharp Tank was on a weird bit of land, a flat stretch part way up the side of a tall hill. On top of the hill was the nexus point. Where the ground sloped down to Benny’s left, facing the door as he was, was a dark figure, sitting.He moved slowly over, intentionally stepping on sticks and grass that would make noise so as not to startle the person.
Mara looked up as he approached.
“Hey Benny.” She whispered, gesturing to the ground next to her. She looked terrible, a tired look in her eyes and a defensive posture. It reminded him of when they first met. His heart ached, knowing she had been doing so well, so much better. Clearly, tonight was a bad night. It was to be expected, but it didn’t make it any less painful. Benny sat down, their shoulders brushing. She flinched, but didn’t move away. Concern ate away at him at the flinch.
“Kid… what’s wrong?” Mara looked away, sighing. Still, he pushed. “Mara.”
“Do you… I mean… Do you ever just miss what your life used to be?” Benny tensed. The question made sense, late night thoughts and all, but it still caught him off guard. He responded carefully.
“Sometimes, when I was younger. Not so much now, not since I met you lot.” He gently nudged her, and a weak smile flitted across her face. “Why?”
She curled in on herself.
“I hate it, because I know it isn’t healthy, and I know my life is better now… but part of me wishes I could go back to before I ever went to that stupid island. If I’d just ignored it, or taken someone else with me… Maybe I wouldn’t have been cursed. And then, my life wouldn’t have been ruined. I feel so guilty because I know, I know that everything’s better now, but I still miss it.” Benny wrapped his arm around her. She leaned into his shoulder, taking a shaky breath.
“And I hate it more because I know it’ll never happen. This curse has ruined any chance of a semblance of normalcy in my world. Clayton and I will never get back together. I’ll never be able to go back to the coalition, my research will go unnamed. All because of one decision, one day, and I hate that I still feel sad and angry and hurt because it was so long ago.” Benny squeezed her gently.
“But it wasn’t. Kid, you left that group just over a year ago, of course you’re not just going to get over it. You’re grieving, and feeling guilty about grieving is just going to make it harder.”
“I can’t help it.” She whispered.
“You’ve just gotta fight those feelings, those voices. Remind them who’s boss.” Apparently that was the wrong thing to say, because golden tears welled in her eyes as she looked up at him.
“That’s the other thing! I’m so sick and tired of fighting the voices in my head! It’s not fair, because they’re exactly what the coalition feared! I don’t want to hurt anyone, but it’s so hard to keep fighting every single day.”
He didn’t know what to say. There wasn’t anything he could say. So he just hugged her, and she hugged him back. She was so gentle, so kind, so everything he wasn’t, it was hard for him to imagine her ever hurting anyone, let alone on purpose. But fears are fears for a reason. After a while, she stopped crying, pulling back and sniffing.
“I just feel so alone, Benny. And I know I have you guys but…” She looked away from him, keeping her eyes fixed on the horizon as she continued. “It’s nothing on you guys, but I miss my family. I haven’t been able to see them in two years, and they barely talk to me anyway because I’m so secretive about my work, and now I can’t even get another job! I’m trapped and until I find a way to control or get rid of this curse, I’ll probably never be able to see them. They’re not like you. They’re superstitious and a little old fashioned, and if I show up I’ll be lucky to just be thrown out. I don’t want to lose them but it feels like a decision where I can’t win, no matter what I do.”
“That’s not fair on you. It’s a shit position and a shit decision you’re stuck making. I’m not trying to say I know everything, but… if they’d so easily throw their own daughter away because of something she can’t control? They don’t deserve you. You deserve so much better.” Mara looked up at that. There was a bitter note she’d never heard from Benny before, along with a firm determination, a conviction that he believed what he said entirely. She sighed and leaned back to lay on the cold grass. Benny laid back alongside her, and she rested her head on top of his shoulder, watching the clouds above them.
“I wish I had you as a dad. I reckon a lot of things would have been so much better that way.” He hooked his arm around her shoulders, rubbing circles into her bicep.
“You’re already an amazing person, if you were my kid I’d be pretty damn proud of how you turned out. I’ll be honest though, I’m probably not the greatest role model.” She looked over to him.
“You wear your heart on your sleeves, you do everything entirely, with a dedication I absolutely admire. You’re trying to make yourself better, you’re working on self-improvement. Plus, you got me out of the most toxic situation I’ve ever been in. You’re the one who offered me a place. No-one else. I was just some kid and you not only offered me everything I needed, but you stood up to Clayton for me! Even when I was being a coward.” Benny frowned at her.
“You’re not a coward, Mara. You’re one of the bravest people I know. And your curse is proof of that. You said it yourself, you’re constantly fighting that curse, and you’ve never given up. That takes a lot of courage, kid. Just because you couldn’t get yourself out of a toxic or dangerous situation without help doesn’t mean you’re a coward. Surviving everything you’ve been through is brave. Accepting help is brave. You, Cosmara Noroi, are brave.”
Again Mara felt there was something more to what he was saying, but she accepted it without question. It was exactly what she’d needed to hear, even if she hadn’t known it when she first sat outside. The clouds had begun to clear, so the two of them stargazed for nearly an hour, until Benny felt Mara become a little heavier. He shook her gently.
“Come on kid, you can’t sleep out here.” She muttered under her breath, but stood, swaying slightly from the sudden rise. He helped her back to her room, and as he turned to leave, he heard her faintly whisper,
“Goodnight dad.” He hesitated briefly, then,
“‘Night, kid.”
He closed the door quietly. She probably hadn’t meant for him to hear it, possibly didn’t even realise she said it. Still, he felt a mixture of warmth and fear in his chest. His thoughts began to swirl once more as he walked back to his room.
She deserved so much better than him. But he was all she had, so he was going to have to be damn well good enough.
He closed his door with a little more force than he meant to. He paused, then slid into the hammock that hung above the bed, rocking gently.
He was tired, and his thoughts were still loud. But perhaps, just maybe, they were a little quieter than before. His eyes slid shut as his mind replayed the conversation, eventually slipping into a dream.