Chapter Text
"They say it was the flower disease."
Bucky looked up from the wooden blocks he was playing with when he heard his father’s voice. He was trying hard to be patient with Becca but the toddler kept knocking down the tower he was building for her. After the fifth time the toys were destroyed, Bucky sighed and pushed the wooden cubes toward Becca’s chubby fingers. Instead, he pretended to be occupied with his truck while secretly listening to his parents.
"Oh, that's horrible." Winifred Barnes said while stirring the contents of the pot. The savory aroma of the vegetable stew permeated the small apartment and Bucky's stomach growled in response. "I always wondered about her, living alone and no other family members. The funeral is next Saturday, isn't it?"
George Barnes nodded in response. He was sitting by the dining table and sorting through the store invoices for the week. The times were hard for many but their family got by thanks to George's business. Bucky loved both of his parents but he had a special admiration for his father. There was nothing quite like praise from George and a head pat from his calloused hands that made Bucky's small chest puff with pride.
"We should go pay our respects," said George. He continued to make careful notes on his ledger. "It's too bad that she wasn't able to get a cure in time. It shouldn't be so hard, right?"
"Oh George, you know it's not that simple. Not everyone is as lucky as you and me." Winifred tasted the stew one more time and nodded in approval. She started ladling the meal into colorful blue bowls. "Not everyone can have their love requited, as much as we hope for it. And not everyone can let go of that love and move on."
George sighed and closed the book to put it away. He cleared the papers and pen so that his wife could set up the table for dinner. "It's just such a shame. Why waste your life away for someone who doesn't love you back?"
Winifred finished setting up and motioned toward Bucky to come to the table. The little boy got up and led Becca to the chairs. She needed a little help but after a well timed push, she successfully clambered up. Bucky took his place beside her and smiled eagerly when his mother placed the bowl of steaming stew in front of him. He looked up to thank her when the expression on her face stopped the words from his mouth. It was a look of deep sadness, one that he had never seen on his mother's face before.
She brushed a hand through her husband's hair, as though grounding herself. Then she uttered the words that lodged itself firmly into young Bucky's subconsciousness.
"I suppose some loves are worth dying for."
*****
The noises that emanated from Steve as he threw up his lunch made Bucky cringe in guilt.
He had no idea that the Cyclone was going to get Steve so sick. If he had, he wouldn't have dared his best friend to ride it. With gentle pressure, he rubbed Steve's back as the last of the partially digested hot dog hit the ground. He passed over his handkerchief and the soda bottle to Steve when he was finally done.
"Ah, I'm sorry Stevie." Bucky watched Steve take a gulp of the soda, swish his mouth and spit it out. "Didn't think it would be so bad. Now I just feel like an asshole."
"You are an asshole," Steve said, wiping the last remnants of the soda and throw up from his lips. He dropped the spoiled handkerchief into a nearby garbage can. "But you didn't make me get on the ride. I did that of my own free will so no need for apologies."
Bucky grinned and wrapped his arm around Steve’s shoulder. A warmth of affection spread from his chest to all his extremities. No matter what the neighbors said about them and how mismatched they looked, Bucky knew there was no one else he wanted to spend his time with. Steve might be little but there was nothing diminutive about his character.
Steve jabbed a sharp elbow into Bucky's side. "But I do think you owe me another hot dog, seeing as my stomach is empty now."
"Hey, no take backs, Rogers. You said it, you got on that ride yourself. That includes the former lunch in your stomach."
"You really are an ass."
Bucky laughed and gave a good natured push to move Steve along. He was still smiling as Steve talked about visiting the carnival games when he felt a tickle in the back of his throat. He tried to swallow it down but the strange feeling persisted. It almost felt like he had swallowed a feather and gotten it lodged.
Suddenly, his body constricted and a loud cough emanated from his chest. Bucky covered his mouth so he didn't hack up anything on Steve's back and felt something warm and wet hit his palm.
When Bucky looked down at his hand, he found a single white petal, still glistening from the moisture of his mouth.
Oh no. Oh no no no. Please not this. I'm not ready to tell him-
"Bucky?"
Bucky crushed the petal in his hand and shoved it into his pocket. He looked up at Steve and tried to smile at his concerned looking best friend. His best friend. The one he was supposed to love like a brother but spent restless nights dreaming of smooth skin and bright pink lips. The best friend who looked at him with pure trust in his eyes while Bucky was anything but pure in his thoughts of him.
Bucky had suggested going to Coney Island to just be a couple of carefree teenagers but who had he been kidding? Every hour spent with Steve only made the ache worse. And now with the soft petal still clenched between his fingers, it was a reality that Bucky could no longer ignore.
"Did you get sick from the ride too?" Steve frowned and placed a cold finger on Bucky's pale cheeks. "You don't look so good. You don't have to be embarrassed if you need to puke."
“No way!” Bucky tried to infuse his voice with all the false bravado that he could muster. “I was just thinking how much you’re about to lose on those games and it made me feel faint.”
“Ha ha, a wise guy huh?” Steve kicked Bucky in the ankle and laughed when he yelped in pain. “Just for that, you’re paying for the first two games of my choice.”
“Fine, whatever you want.”
As Steve walked away, chatting about the prizes he wanted to win for Becca, Bucky silently took the flower petal from his pocket and threw it on the ground.
*****
“Bucky! Come on!”
He could hear Connie calling out to him from the dance floor but he was still thinking about Steve. The trip to Stark Expo was everything that a soldier about to ship out should be enjoying; the company of his childhood best friend and a pair of attractive young ladies. Fireworks and gaudy displays were everywhere and it was all the things that a young science loving Bucky would have eaten up.
But instead, his mind kept wandering to Steve. The hug that Bucky had never wanted to stop and using all of his willpower to walk away. Who knew when he would see Steve again? The war had already been going on for years and nobody could figure out when it would end. His chest felt tight with fear that he tried not to show on the outside.
“Seriously, Bucky.” Connie walked back to him when hadn’t responded to her summons. “I thought you brought us here to dance. Bonnie already found a dance partner. You’re not gonna leave me hanging, are ya?”
Bucky shook himself mentally and plastered a bright smile on his face. He had promised Connie a night of dancing and Bucky was many things but he wasn’t about to let a lady down. He walked with her to the dance floor and let the music flow through his limbs. Connie squealed in delight as he spun her around. He led her through a few more songs until something in the corner of his eye caught his attention.
It was a short blonde man and for a second, Bucky thought it was Steve. But on second glance, he could see that he was not. However, that was enough of a distraction that Bucky’s mind wandered back to the object of his affection.
As he dipped Connie toward the dance floor, he felt his chest constrict and almost dropped her. He quickly regained his balance and brought her back up to her feet. She stared at him with worry creasing her pretty face.
“Bucky? Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” said Bucky, as he rubbed his chest with his hand. He knew he didn’t sound very convincing. “I think I need some air though. I’ll be right back.”
He quickly left the dancehall and made his way to the back of the building. When he was sure that no one was around to watch, he took out the black handkerchief that he always carried with him. The cough ripped through his throat and three bloodied petals landed inside the soft cloth. A few more coughs wracked his body but no other petals came up.
Bucky knew it was bad. He knew that the flower disease could be reversed in the early onsets but he had done nothing to stop it. Sometimes all it took was a kind rejection and being able to move on to new loves that can heal the infection before it became fatal. But Bucky was never able to say the words to Steve, to tell him of the love he felt for his friend. What if it broke their friendship? What if Bucky ruined the most important thing in his life? So instead, he kept the secret and watched as more and more flowers came out of his body. But the blood was a new development and he felt even more fear grip him.
It’s too late because I’ve already said goodbye. I’m going to get shipped out and that’s that. I’m going to be so busy fighting Nazis that I won’t have any time to think about this.
Leaning against the cold brick wall, Bucky kept repeating the words in his mind, hoping that if he said it enough, his heart would accept it too.
*****
“Hey! Let’s hear it for Captain America!”
The crowd erupted in cheer as everyone celebrated the return of the men from Azzano. Bucky watched as a wide grin broke out over Steve’s face as people crowded in closer to slap him on the shoulder. Shouts of congratulations rained down on the successful rescue.
Bucky was happy too. But perhaps even more than happiness, he felt relief. The sight of his friend, suddenly taller, had taken him by surprise but it was still Steve. That would never change.
And of course he had noticed the woman wearing bright red lipstick speak to Steve, her eyes dancing with joy. He also noticed Steve respond to her with a familiarity that Bucky had never seen before. The sight had made his already aching body hurt even more. As he tried to breathe deeply and chase his dark thoughts away, a voice spoke up behind him.
“Sergeant Barnes? We need to see you at the medical tent.”
Sighing, Bucky nodded his agreement and followed the nurse. He looked back for a moment, thinking he might let Steve know where he was going, but his friend was still fully enveloped by the crowd. Deciding to catch up later, Bucky kept walking toward the large green tent.
Once inside, he sat on the examining table and tried not to flinch from how it jogged his memories of being Zola’s guinea pig. The nurses and the doctors asked basic perfunctory questions to quicken the process and Bucky answered back with short monosyllabic answers. As the doctor wrote out his notes on a medical pad, Bucky’s curiosity got the better of him.
“Hey Doc…do you by any chance know who the lady is? Brunette? British accent?”
The doctor kept writing and didn’t even look up from his writing. “Oh, that would be Agent Carter. She came in after you and the other men were captured in Azzano. Why do you ask?”
“No reason. Just…curious.”
The other man chuckled and looked at Bucky over his glasses. “Listen, I know there aren’t a lot of women around these parts and you just got back from being imprisoned but that’s one lady you probably don’t want to mess with. Besides, the rumor going around is that she and the good Captain have a thing going on.”
“Captain…you mean Steve?”
“Who else could I be talking about?” The doctor went back to writing his notes. “Not that you can blame them. The exceptionals are drawn to other exceptionals. They make quite a couple, don’t you think?”
The air inside Bucky’s chest felt like it was expanding. His ribcage ached with pain that was stabbing over and over as though roots were growing between them. Bucky tried to reply back with a joke but he couldn’t utter a single word. Blessedly, the tent flap opened and another soldier popped his head in to ask for the doctor. He promised to be back in just a moment to finish the exam and left Bucky alone in the tent.
The second the cloth flap closed, Bucky surged up from the medical bed and dashed to the doctor’s desk. He grabbed the wastebasket filled with paper and coughed loudly, each convulsion ripping through his torso. Clumps of pink, blue, and purple petals, all covered in blood, splattered against the white pages inside the basket.
His throat felt raw, like it had been torn out from the inside. Tears tracked down from his eyes as he tried to get a breath in but his lungs wouldn’t cooperate. The floor was cold as Bucky slumped over and buried his face in his hands. In his mind, he was calling himself every word he could think of that echoed his pain and self hatred.
He should be happy for Steve. His friend now had everything he deserved, a healthy body and someone to love. But the thought that the person who Steve could look at with that peculiar warmth in his eyes could never be him was tearing Bucky apart.
You’re a fool, Barnes. It was only a matter of time before Steve found someone to love. It was never going to be you. Not then, not now, not ever. You fucking fool.
Bucky groaned out loud as his inner voice lashed his heart in self flagellation, every word a poison tipped barb. He curled up into himself, trying to hug his own body in a desperate need of comfort.
Once he could draw in a clean breath, he slowly climbed to his feet. He picked up the wastebasket and left the medical tent.
*****
Everything was white.
Well, not quite everything.
Bucky turned his head and his eyes finally focused on the source of the pain. It was his arm. Or the stump where his arm used to be. The blood was bright red against the soft white snow.
Steve. Where was Steve?
Flashes of a train. Steve’s face contorted in horror. Screams and more screams.
So cold.
Steve. He had to get back to Steve. Steve needed him and he needed Steve.
Chest hurt. It always hurt.
A cough. More coughs.
Bucky brought up his right hand near his mouth and touched something soft. It was a blue petal. The same blue as Steve’s eyes.
Steve.
Everything went back to white again.
*****
“Mission Report.”
The Asset stared off into the distance, unresponsive.
“Mission report, now.”
When there was still no answer, Alexander Pierce approached the man sitting in the chair and slapped him across the face. The Asset’s face lost the blank stare as though something was bothering him. He stared at Pierce, his expression unsure.
“The man on the bridge…who was he?”
Pierce schooled his features to not show his shock at the question. In the many decades that he had been the Winter Soldier’s handler, this was the first time he had asked such a question.
“You met him earlier this week on another assignment.”
The Asset considered the words carefully and looked at Pierce. It was not the look of a man who seemed convinced by his handler’s answer.
“I knew him.”
Pierce crouched down and made sure that he had the Asset’s full attention before speaking.
“Your work has been a gift to mankind. You shaped the century and I need you to do it one more time. Society is at a tipping point between order and chaos. Tomorrow morning, we’re gonna give it a push. But you don’t do your part, I can’t do mine. And Hydra can’t give the world the freedom it deserves.”
The Asset grimaced. His face was contorting with tiny movements as though he was being bombarded with a neverending onslaught of emotions.
“But I knew him.”
A cold anger settled over Pierce and he brought back his hand to strike again when the Asset suddenly bent over and started coughing. Everyone tensed in the room and all trigger fingers hovered in fear as the assassin was wracked with painful hacking. Then to the shock and amazement of all, giant clumps of bloodied flower petals hit the dark floor.
Pierce turned to the closest technician and pointed at the pile of colorful blossoms. “How is this possible?”
The technician shook his head in confusion, terror making his eyes tic in the corners. “I don’t know, sir. As far as the records show, the Asset’s hanahaki infection had been dealt with in the forties when they successfully wiped all of his memories.”
“Then prep him.”
The hesitancy was obvious in the technician's body. “He’s been out of cryofreeze too long. There’s no guarantee that-”
“Then wipe him and start over. Whatever it was that triggered this resurgence must be erased. Do you hear me?” Pierce looked around the room and made eye contact with every single technician and doctor. They all nodded in an affirmative.
The Asset coughed one more time, a yellow petal falling from bloodied lips to his lap.
*****
Everything was dark.
Well, not quite everything.
The Asset saw the flash of silver in the water and reached out to grasp the sinking body.
Even with the super soldier serum pumping through his veins, the other man was heavy and it wasn’t easy to swim with the additional weight. He kicked hard and kept kicking until they both broke the water’s surface.
It was awkward but he made it to the rocky shore and dumped the prone body on the ground.
Water was dripping out the side of the unconscious man's mouth but he was breathing.
The Asset stared down at the man. Steve. That’s what he had called himself.
Steve.
And he had called the Asset, “Bucky”.
Bucky.
Who the hell was Bucky?
Steve hacked up more water and the Asset stared. Why had he saved him? Why? He was the Mission. Just the Mission.
A pain shot through the Asset’s ribs and it brought him to his knees.
Another stab of pain and the Asset contorted in half as his lungs set themselves on fire.
Coughing and more coughing.
And flowers. So many flowers. Blossoms in every hue of the rainbow.
Blood and saliva and bile.
Sirens.
The Asset panicked. He knew that sound was not good. He grabbed the soaking mass of petals and threw them into the river.
He looked at Steve one last time.
Steve. Steve. Steve.
He ran.