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After it happened, Niragi could feel nothing. He lay in the hospital bed, staring up at the hospital ceiling, breathing in the hospital smells, and could feel nothing. Every now and then, he was aware of the person in the bed next to him, softly calling his name, but in addition to feeling nothing, nothing mattered, and so he did not feel compelled to answer this nothing presence in the bed next to him.
After an undisclosed amount of nothing time, Niragi began to feel again. He felt pain, he felt sadness, he felt regret. Everything he had done in that Other place came screaming back at him, and now he felt too much. He sobbed inconsolably for hours at a time. And through it all, he slowly became aware of the presence in the other bed, becoming the presence constantly sitting by his own bed.
More time passed. Niragi was finally able to hear what the nothing person was saying. Sometimes he was asking how he was feeling (feeling. That was something he was remembering how to do.), and sometimes he was just talking to fill the silence. Niragi liked the sound of his voice. It was quiet, and it was soft, and it was soothing.
One day, Niragi found it in himself to speak back to this person. He leaned up against his pillows, and croaked, “Chishiya?” he grimaced. His voice was broken from disuse. He had no idea how long it had been since he had last spoken.
Chishiya’s clever eyes snapped up to meet his own. “Niragi. I was beginning to get worried.” Niragi laughed, but unfortunately, his laugh caused him to go into a hacking coughing fit.
He hadn’t realized that Chishiya had been holding his hand, until Chishiya was suddenly gone, and the cold air rushed in. Cold. Alone. In that Other place. Niragi felt his throat closing up, he felt like suddenly he could not breathe. He was panicking. He was alone, and he was dying.
Suddenly, that not so unwelcome warmth returned to his hand, and he felt another warm hand on his face, pressing against his cheek, until his eyes met Chishiya’s. Oh. So he hadn’t been left alone after all.
There was a buzzing in his ears. Through the noise, he could hear Chishiya’s voice, speaking softly to him. He couldn’t make out the words, but he was beginning to feel calmer anyway. As the buzzing faded, he could hear what he was saying. “…you’ll be okay, I’ve got you, I won’t leave you alone, just breathe…” He tuned back out. He smiled softly. He didn’t know why Chishiya was doing this for him. He definitely did not deserve his kindness. Not after all the things he’d done There.
He leaned back against the pillow, and felt his breathing return to normal. He sighed, and closed his eyes, reveling in the warm feeling of Chishiya holding his hand, of him softly stroking his thumb over his knuckles. He had never had anyone do this for him before. It was nice.
“Why are you being so nice to me?” it was a question addressed to Chishiya, but Niragi couldn’t bring himself to meet his eyes. Chishiya huffed out a laugh at that. “You know, I’ve been asking myself that same question this whole time. But honestly, with everything you’ve been through, the things you did in a shitty situation, I didn’t want you to return to the original world feeling that way.” Niragi was shocked. He knew he’d done terrible, evil, unforgivable things in that country, and he truly thought he was going to hell. And yet, here he was, getting what felt an awful lot like forgiveness from someone he never expected it from.
Niragi did not know what to say. So, he continued to sit in silence, letting Chishiya continue to soothe him by holding his hand.
Time passed, and finally Niragi said, “I know you aren’t you I need to say this to, but I can never say it to those people, so I’m saying it to you. I’m sorry, for everything I did in that country, for everything I said, for everything I know I will be judged in hell for. I know nothing I say can absolve me, but I just needed to say it.”
This was met with silence, and fr a second Niragi worried he’d just messed everything up, worried that now the only person who would ever be nice to him might leave. But then Chishiya spoke.
“You’re right.” Niragi looked up at him, waiting. “You did terrible things there, things you can never take back. But as long as we can count ourselves among the lucky to have survived, I think the best course of action is to stay together. After all, how many people can possibly know how what we went through was like?”
Niragi thought about this for a moment, and then nodded. “I guess you have a point.” Chishiya’s lips twitched in what might have been a small smile.
After that conversation, the next couple of days passed in a haze. But not a bad one, like the one he had woken up in. this haze was more pleasant. It was just him and Chishiya, sharing quiet moments, and remembering how to live in the real world again.
At the end of the week, their doctors came in to let them know they would be discharged within the hour. Niragi suddenly felt anxious. He reached out for Chishiya, feeling slightly better when the other man immediately took his hand.
“What is it?” Chishiya asked softly. Through their time together. He had gotten very good at reading Niragi. “I’m just scared,” Niragi admitted, looking down at their joined hands.
“Me too,” Chishiya confessed. “But the good news is, we won’t be alone out there” Niragi smiled at that, and squeezed his hand.
Later that afternoon, they found themselves blinking in the bright sunlight, standing in front of the hospital. Niragi glanced at Chishiya. “Now what?” Chishiya smiles softly at him. “I don’t know about you, but the thing I missed the most from the real world was coffee. Want to come with me to a café?” Niragi smiled, letting Chishiya lead him down the block. He was glad Chishiya seemed to know where he was going, because he himself was totally lost.
Speaking of being lost, as they walked, he became aware that something was wrong. “Chishiya…” he trailed off, not wanting to share what was wrong. “Niragi?” Chishiya stopped walking, and glanced back at him, concern etched all over his face. Niragi felt his face get hot from shame, and felt angry that this was going to be the thing that brought him down. “Nothing!” He wrenched his hand from Chishiya’s, and stormed off down the street, only to stop a few steps ahead of him, his head down, his shoulders shaking.
He could hear Chishiya’s careful footsteps approaching him. “Niragi, please don’t shut me out. Not after all we’ve been through. Tell me what’s wrong.”
Niragi looked up at him, tears running down his face. “I can’t see.” Shock filled Chishiya’s face. “What?? You can’t see?? How long has this been happening? Do we need to go back—” but Niragi was shaking his head. “No, I mean, it’s embarrassing.” Chishiya waited, patiently gazing into Niragi’s face. “It’s just, I used to wear glasses. In the real world. And I guess, in the other place, since it was a dream, I didn’t need glasses. Nothing was holding me back there, for better or for worse. And i…I was there so long I forgot I can’t see without glasses. Fuck. I hate this. I hate this! How am I supposed to get through life now? I was never made for this world! I want to go back.” He sank to his knees, his voice full of anguish, his words punctuated by sobs. “I want to go back! Let me go back. Please don’t leave me!” He was cradling his head and crying outright.
Chishiya quickly moved onto the ground next to him, his hands hovering over his back, unsure for once. “Niragi, can you tell me if it’s okay to touch you?” Niragi looked up at him, his face puffy, his eyes rimmed in red. “No one should ever touch me! I don’t deserve it!” Chishiya waited a couple of seconds, before deciding touching Niragi was the best course of action to pull him back to reality.
He carefully put his arms around Niragi, pulling him against his chest. Niragi continued to sob, but allowed himself to be comforted. “I’m sorry,” He sobbed into Chishiya’s chest. “I’m sorry for being so ruined, for you being stuck with me.”
“Shhhh, it’s alright, you’re okay,” Chishiya soothed. “I’m happy to help you, I’m not stuck with you, I’m choosing to stay with you, you’re alright, just breathe.” Chishiya began breathing in and out, directing Niragi to mirror his breaths. Soon, Niragi’s breathing returned to normal, and he sagged against Chishiya, exhausted.
Chishiya rubbed his back. “There. See? You’re okay.” Niragi leaned against him, sure that Chishiya was the only thing keeping him afloat right now, both physically and mentally.
After a few minutes had gone by, Chishiya said softly, “Do you think you can stand? Let me take you home.” At the mention of home, a few more tears squeezed themselves out of Niragi’s eyes. He nodded against Chishiya’s shoulder.
Chishiya helped him to stand, and let him lean against him. “Come on, my apartment isn’t far from here.” In his haze, Niragi thought to himself, “I guess that’s why he knew where a café would be.”
Niragi blinked, and suddenly he found himself laying back on a couch, a warm washcloth against his forehead, and Chishiya’s warm hand once again holding his own.
“There you are,” Chishiya said softly. “You were so exhausted; I think you passed out for a bit. But you’re safe here. You can sleep.” And with that reassuring thought, Niragi felt himself drift off.
He awoke what must have been hours later, as it was dark now. He called out, his voice wavering more than he would have liked. “Chishiya?”
“I’m here,” came a voice from his left. He was startled to discover that Chishiya had been asleep on the floor next to him. “Didn’t mean to scare you,” he said through a yawn. “I just didn’t want you to wake up alone.” Niragi felt his heart soften at that. Chishiya was really being nicer than he deserved.
He stretched. “Thank you. You know. For everything. For rescuing me from that place, for staying with me in the hospital, for being a friend, for making sure I got home safe.” He winced. “Well, I know this is your home. But you know what I mean.” Chishiya lifted one of his hands. Niragi hadn’t even realized Chishiya had been holding his hand the whole time he had been sleeping. Chishiya gently kissed his hand. “Of course, Niragi. I could tell you needed some good in your life. I think you weren’t always bad.”
Niragi gazed up at the ceiling, both so Chishiya wouldn’t see how he was blushing at that, and to think back to how he used to be. “you’re right. I used to be a much better person. But I let that place, the people I met there, their influence, twist me and turn me into someone I never wanted to be.”
Chishiya smiled up at him in that thoughtful way of his. “I could sense the good In you.” Niragi laughed. “I did notice you have a way of reading others.”
“Mmhmm,” Chishiya agreed. “And I think it will serve me well with you.” He kissed Niragi’s hand again, and this tie, Niragi let their eyes meet. “Thank you,” Niragi said again softly. Chishiya leaned in, and left a soft kiss against his lips. “You’re very welcome.”
It was funny, how that nothing person had become his everything person.