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Buck didn’t know why, but the words just came out of his mouth as he sat on one of the benches in the locker room while tying the shoelaces of his sneakers. Eddie stood next to the locker room, already fully changed into his civil clothes and finishing putting his watch on.
“I’m doing a tattoo tomorrow.” Buck was pretty sure he just mumbled the words, maybe his best friend wouldn’t even understand it. “I was thinking that maybe you wanna come?”
He quickly got up and closed the metal door before picking his things up, not giving much space for Eddie to answer.
“Forget it. You are probably busy with Chris.” Buck tightened the grip on the shoulder strap of his bag. He had been anxious all week. He had this appointment for weeks and Eddie probably hadn’t even noticed the date.
“Chris is actually going to a friend’s house after school tomorrow.” Eddie’s voice stopped Buck in his tracks, just at the door. “I will go with you.”
There was a certain suspicious tone in Eddie’s voice, more worried than anything else.
It wasn’t the first time that Buck just went and got a tattoo. He had done it multiple times, but this one? It was different.
“I will pick you up tomorrow then.”
“Buck…” Eddie’s voice now was gentler and his eyes were focused on Buck’s face, trying to catch any change in his expression. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, just tired.” Buck offered a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. It wasn’t a lie, he could never lie to Eddie but it wasn’t the whole truth either.
It was clear that Eddie wanted to ask more, the thing was…Eddie knew when to push and how to do it and he also knew when not to do it. So with a simple nod of his head in Buck’s direction, it was enough to say We will talk when you are ready .
Maybe it should be weird that they could easily understand each other, how sometimes it felt like they knew each other better than they knew themselves. But nothing was ever weird with them. It was just them . BuckandEddie .
Buck did as promise and the next time he was picking Eddie up at the Diaz’ house. Part of him had the need to see Christopher, to make sure the boy was alright and not lost in the middle of a tsunami just like a few years ago.
But Chris seemed to not even remember it, he was currently at school and later with a friend. It was better this way, with no reminder of what happened that day at the pier.
Maybe Buck should forget about it as well. It felt impossible though, it was one of the scariest days of his life, losing Christopher in the middle of a natural disaster had made his heart stop. It was like he had lost his own heart in the rushing water.
The only two things that were as scary as that day - were not being able to get Eddie out of the collapsed well or the day he got shot. Right in front of him. Undefended, because Buck hadn’t been able to do anything to protect Eddie as he had promised all those years ago.
Buck tapped his fingers on the steering wheel, absent in his thoughts. Eddie was already on the passenger side just as quiet, somehow his best friend seem to know that he wasn’t willing to talk just yet but that he needed Eddie by his side.
They stopped at the same tattoo parlor since Buck had moved to LA, he liked the artist. She always seemed to understand his ideas so easily. Most of his tattoos were simple lines nothing like the one he was making today.
“Hi, Kat.” Buck tried to sound as usual but failed, it was the first time he brought someone along with him.
“Hi, Buckley,” Kat smirked at them, already pulling out her tablet and setting it on the counter. “This is definitely different from what you are used to do. Hi, I’m Kat. You must be Eddie.”
Buck and Eddie both stood on the other side of the counter, their shoulders pressing into each other like they were supporting one another. Buck didn’t have to look to know that Eddie was surprised that she knew his name.
“Yes, I am.” Eddie confirmed before looking down at the drawing placed in front of them.
“This is exactly how I had imagined.” It was the first honest smile that showed up on Buck’s lips.
The drawing was all black, a compass without its cardinal points. An ‘H’ was placed where there was supposed to be the ‘N’ for north and at the bottom surrounding the compass there were waves, looking like a storm almost. The only color in it was in the red needle that pointed to the ‘H’ and even then there was still some distance between the needle and that cardinal point. So close, yet so far.
Eddie tensed at his side.
It was probably clearer now for Eddie what Buck was going to do and why.
“You don’t need to stay.” Even if everything inside of Buck begged otherwise.
Having Eddie around always made him calmer, like it was easier to breathe.
“I’m not going anywhere,” Eddie said confidently as he pushed their bodies together, their shoulders even closer than it should be possible.
It didn’t take long for Buck to have the drawing pressed into the skin on the left side over his ribs and then he was laying on the adjustable chair. Eddie sat in front of him. Both of them took deep breaths when Kat asked if Buck was ready.
Buck always forgot how painful it was to have a needle poking into his skin, but with that pain, it came so much more. There was always the thrill of getting new ink and even if it hurt he could take it, and most times Buck took the time to start thinking of a new design.
This time was different. He felt all that and more. Every time that the needle poked into his skin and marked him with new ink, Buck felt like he could breathe better. Like slowly the weight on his chest was easing.
Buck dared to open his eyes, Eddie looked focused like he was the one tattooing Buck. His eyes never left Kat’s moves.
“Fuck.” Buck groaned when Kat got to a more sensitive spot.
Eddie turned his attention to Buck, their eyes locking and he could see the worry in Eddie’s eyes. So, Buck outstretched his arm almost touching his best friend’s legs.
“Just…hold my hand?” It wasn’t a thing they did, but right now it felt like the right thing to do. Buck suspected that it would calm the both of them.
At first, it was only a simple hold, but as time passed the grip got tighter and when Buck looked again they were holding each other just like that crimson day in the middle of the street.
This time Eddie’s hold on him was a lot stronger, they could feel each other’s pulse point. Which calmed them both, knowing and feeling that they were alive and that they were right here with each other.
“It’s done!” Kat announced as she finished cleaning up Buck’s skin. “Don’t move, let me get you water and something to eat.”
As Kat disappeared into the back room, Eddie got up without letting go of Buck’s hand to look over the tattoo. He almost looked like he wanted to reach out and touch it.
“Here, eat this and drink. When you feel ready just say it and I will wrap you up and let you go.” Kat gave him a granola bar and a bottle of water before leaving them alone again.
They slowly untangled themselves and as Buck sipped on his water and bit into the bar he started feeling a bit self-conscious. Of course, Eddie has seen him shirtless before. With barely any clothes on, this felt so much more vulnerable.
“It looks good, really good.” Eddie finally broke the silence that surrounded them. “Are you going to show it to Christopher?”
Buck had thought about it, but after knowing that Christopher seemed to have moved on, and thank god for that, he just dropped the idea.
“I don’t want to remind him of one of the worst days of his life.” Buck finally said as he finished his bar. He really didn’t want to have this talk here.
“So you are gonna remind yourself of that worst day of your life? Why would you punish yourself like that?” Eddie stood in front of him, a bit challenging and as if he couldn’t believe that Buck could do this.
“Eddie…” Buck stopped, shirt tangled in his hands. “It’s not like that.” It was clear in Eddie’s eyes that he didn’t believe it. “I promise, but can we have this talk somewhere else?”
“I expect you to stay around at least until Christopher arrives. It will be good for the both of you to see each other.” Eddie had his arms crossed over his chest like that would stop Buck from saying no.
“You know I can never say no to hanging out with my favorite Diaz.” Buck could do this, this familiar thing that always put them at ease.
Buck smiled and nodded as he headed to where Kat was. She wrapped his tattoo up and he got his shirt on.
The ride back to the Diaz house was as quiet as before but this time didn’t feel as heavy, at least not to Buck. This time it was Eddie who couldn’t stop tapping the fingers on his tight.
They were barely inside when Eddie spoke, uneasy. Like this was eating him alive.
“If it’s not to punish yourself, then why did you just ink yourself with the worst day of your life?”
There were a few feet apart facing each other, for a second Buck was thrown back to the day that Eddie was shot.
“It reminds me more than that.” Buck could feel the skin burning under his shirt. He could see the confusion in Eddie’s eyes. “It reminds me of how much I am willing to fight. How I was so fucking lost and so damn scared. It got even scarier when I lost Chris.” He clenched his jaw to keep himself in check, to not break until he could give Eddie the truth.
“I fought to find him, so damn hard and I couldn’t.” Buck could feel the weight of the water against his body. “But I wasn’t going to give up. I was going to keep going. That is why the needle is red.”
“Chris’ glasses…” In the bit of time that Buck had been talking, Eddie had slowly come closer.
“Yes. I just wanted to…” Buck bit his lip, lowering his head.
“Find your way home.” Eddie finished for him. As if he could read his thoughts.
“Or close to it. I love the 118, they are my family and of course they are my home but there was always something missing.” Buck felt a hand on his arm, right above his elbow but he still didn’t dare to look up at Eddie, not when he could feel the unshed tears burning at his eyes.
“Buck…” Eddie’s voice was soft and understanding.
“I know I have no right.”
“Buck.” Eddie’s voice was a bit sterner, his hand now in Buck’s jaw. Thumb ghosted over Buck’s cheek so damn gently that made Buck finally break apart and let his tears fall. “Christopher was looking for you too, when anything is bothering him and I can’t help he goes to you. You are his safe place. You are his home too.”
Buck nodded and leaned into the gentle touch, he didn’t want to pull away and he knew he should but he couldn’t bring himself just back away. So close to home and yet so far.
“Your home can be more than just Christopher.” Eddie was so close to Buck now that he could feel Eddie’s breath against his face.
“He might be my favorite Diaz, but you are a really close second.” Buck took a deep breath and opened his eyes to face Eddie’s brown ones. He could be lost for hours in them, Eddie might not be the most open about his feeling but his eyes said everything that Buck wanted to know.
Eddie snorted before taking Buck’s lips with his own. Soft and gentle just like the moment they had. Everything that Buck had dreamed of and never thought he could have.
“Thank you for giving me a home. I promise to always find my way to it.”