Chapter Text
I washed my hands of us at the club
You made a mess of me
Gwen
It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon at Beachy Point Country Club. The sun was shining. The birds were singing. Gwen and Ozzie were each stretched out on their own cabana chair, sipping on a fruity drink. Life was good.
It should’ve been good. But all Gwen could do was complain about Leia to Ozzie. Because all she could think about was Leia, and how she should’ve been here too.
She’d promised last week that she would be. Ozzie’d proposed the idea of sneaking into the club and they’d all sat around the spool table in the basement hatching their plan. They’d decided on today, Leia’s last Saturday in Point Place. It was going to be their goodbye - until she’d ruined it.
And aside from Leia’s absence, everything was truly a breeze. Gwen’s outfit was on point and she was having a good hair day. They’d gotten in without any hassle, thanks to their Country Club-ready attire - and Ozzie.
“Do you know who my father is?” he’d raised an eyebrow at the front desk girl when she asked for their member cards.
The teenage girl working the front desk shook her head unsurely.
“You don’t want to find out,” Ozzie told her. His confidence was made for situations like this, and the girl believed him hook, line, and sinker. Gwen would’ve, too. “Wise choice,” he told the girl with a tight-lipped smile after she buzzed them in. And they were off.
Gwen had no idea how Leia managed to sneak past her, though.
Because suddenly, Leia was there. She’d rushed through the club entrance, babbling excuses, and sat down on a cabana chair next to her. Gwen’s jaw just about dropped in surprise, but she quickly rearranged her expression into one of casual disinterest. And coldly explained to Leia that she didn’t care about what she had to say.
She must’ve gotten bored with Jay, and remembered that she had her second-fiddle Gwen waiting around for her. Figures. Now she wanted to try to act like nothing happened - like she hadn’t lied right to Gwen’s face! Yeah. That wasn’t gonna work.
“You knew how important this was to me and you still blew me off for Jay,” Gwen snarled. Leia still didn't get it, did she? “Just forget it.”
“Forget what?”
“ Everything .” All the emotion Gwen was feeling swelled in her voice. “Go back to Chicago and leave me alone.”
She knew it wasn’t right to get Leia kicked out, but she needed space. Because… she was feeling things. Lots of things. Confusing things. Unexpected things. Including things about… her dad. What the hell? She dabbed her eyes, and turned away from Ozzie and Leia. An attendant had arrived to remove her.
Gwen’s dad used to come to her soccer games. He was the one who taught her to play soccer, actually, and one of her earliest memories was him being proud of her when she scored her first goal. He picked her up and carried her around the field on his shoulders. And he used to come to every game - it was after her parents split, when he stopped coming as much. Sometimes he would say he was going to come, but he wouldn’t. She’d spend the whole game searching the sidelines for him desperately, every second, and it broke her heart when he didn’t show up. Not that she told anyone that, or showed that it hurt her. She was tough - tough as nails. She swallowed. Her dad always told her that when she was a kid.
She’d had that same awful, sinking feeling again today, when she went to the Forman’s and Leia wasn’t there. Like she wasn’t important to someone who was important to her. It just felt… whatever.
“That was unnecessary but I enjoyed it,” Ozzie’s dry comment broke through Gwen’s thoughts. They both calmly watched Leia get dragged, kicking and screaming, from the premises.
Gwen shrugged defensively. “She lied. She’s dead to me.”
Ozie looked at her incredulously. “I’m supposed to believe you’re Ms. Honesty?”
“What am I lying about?”
Ozzie looked her up and down carefully. “Nothing,” he said, after a moment.
“I just… I don’t know what her problem is,” Gwen jerked her thumb in the direction Leia had left, clearly still eager to keep complaining.
“She seems to be going through some sort of identity crisis.” Ozzie said it matter-of-factly, and had his hands folded neatly across his stomach. “Like a coming-of-age thing.”
Gwen scowled. “Aren’t we all?”
“I don’t know,” Ozzie raised his eyebrows. “ Are we?”
“I’m pretty sure growing up is hard for everyone sometimes.” Gwen took a sip of her fruity, refreshing drink and now she chewed on the plastic straw.
“True dat.”
They pounded fists.
His voice was serious when he spoke again. She’d only heard it that way before a few times, like when he told her he’d clogged the toilet at the Forman’s house. And when he told her he was gay. “But I think Leia might be struggling with more than that.”
Gwen dropped her straw and shoved her drink onto the side table, forgotten.
“Huh?”
Ozzie shrugged. “I think Leia might be grappling with her sexuality.” He rolled his eyes. “Let’s just say I’m… familiar with the signs.”
Gwen burst out laughing after a beat of silence. “You’re joking, right?”
Ozzie just raised his eyebrows. No joke.
“She’s into Jay. So so so into Jay.”
“Hmh,” Ozzie made a noise in the back of his throat. “I didn’t say she wasn’t.”
Gwen looked at him for a long moment, and then burst out laughing again.
“You’re nuts, Ozzie. Wacko.”
“Yeah. Maybe,” Ozzie shrugged. He tapped her head, not lightly. “Pass the cheeseboard.”
I pictured you with other girls in love
And threw up on the street
Gwen
Gwen and Ozzie stayed at Beachy Point for another hour and a half, basking in the warm Wisconsin sun. Then they stopped at The Hub on their way home to get actual food - the cheese plate was nasty, and they were both craving onion rings. By the time she got home it was nearly 7 o’clock, and her mom and her new boyfriend were cuddled up on the couch watching Cybill when she walked in. She slunk past them with as little interaction as she could manage, and passed through the door to her room: sweet freedom.
Gwen flopped onto her bed and rolled onto her side, opening her bedside drawer where she pulled out a stack of photos. She flipped through them every night - but sometimes even more often, now that Leia’s departure was so imminent. They were memories of a great summer. An awesome summer, with her friends. One that had been life-changing for her. She just never wanted it to end.
She hesitated on one photo of just her and Leia. They were smiling, sitting together on the couch in the basement. Someone else had snapped it, because they both had their arms around each other.
She thought for a moment about what Ozzie’d said - about Leia struggling with her sexuality, or whatever. Rolling her eyes, she began to flip to the next photo but something stopped her. A different image flashed before her eyes, a new one. Of her, Gwen, kissing Leia.
“Whoa.” She dropped the stack of photos like they’d scalded her. Her heart felt like it was pounding, and she ran to the mirror and stared at herself in horror and confusion. Where did that come from? she thought.
It’s just hormones, hon, she’d heard her mom say to Nate a zillion times. You’ll have a lot of weird thoughts for the next couple a’ years. It’s just bein’ a teenager.
It’s just hormones, Gwen , she reminded herself sternly. You don’t like your best friend. She flipped to the next picture.
It was one of her, Leia, and Nikki. They were in the back seat of Nate’s van, each holding a Care Bear. Gwen smiled at the picture, the memory, but her gaze lingered on her arm around Leia’s shoulders for a moment too long. The image of her kissing Leia flashed back again. And this time, Gwen let it stay.
What would it be like to kiss a girl? To kiss Leia ?
A loud rumbling against her door interrupted her focus.
“ What ?!” she shrieked, already knowing it was Nate. It had to be. Only he rumbled that way. She gathered the pictures hastily and shoved them away again, as if she’d been doing something wrong.
“Gwen! Dinner!”
“I already ate.”
“Huh?”
“I said I ALREADY ATE!”
“Oh. You don’t have to yell.”
She jerked the door open and crossed her arms. “Uh, clearly I do.”
“I’m going next door later to see everyone. Are you coming? You know, since it’s almost Leia’s last day?”
“No,” she said, and closed the door in his face.
“Jeeze…” she heard him mumble as he walked away.
Gwen sunk down to the floor against her bedroom door and started to cry. She knew she’d been a bitch. And she wanted to go - of course she did. But she knew in her heart that she couldn’t take it. Getting attached to someone who was going to leave, who was going to hurt her. She already had too much of that. Couldn’t handle any more. This was an act of self protection.
Leia would be back in Chicago for the whole year - for nine months, anyway, until next June. A lot could happen in nine months. Just ask a pregnant lady.
The unwelcome flashing images were back. This time they weren’t of Gwen kissing Leia, but of Leia enjoying her life in Chicago - without Gwen. Listening to cool bootleg music. Smoking joints. Sneaking out of school early. Going to fun parties. Kissing guys.
Gwen stood up and stood in front of her desk, forlorn. She had to let Leia go. Her brain was trying to protect her - it was reminding her that staying close would be impossible. That Leia was going to move on and forget all about Gwen.
But what if she didn’t?
A sudden, fleeting image of Leia liplocked in passion with Janine Clemmons from Gwen’s homeroom class flitted through her brain.
“Argh!” Gwen smacked the side of her head, as if to erase the thought. She didn’t want to be thinking this! How could she change the damn channel? “No!”
But it was back, in full force. Leia and Janine were really kissing now. She shook her head, hard, and the scene was gone. Now they were holding hands and laughing on the basement couch, surrounded by the gang. Now sitting on the hood of Leia’s car, Leia’s head on Janine’s shoulder. Now sharing fries at The Hub. It was like a damn sitcom.
“Ugh, what the hell?” Gwen set a hand on her stomach, which was suddenly - urgently - letting her know it was upset.
She ran into her bathroom, and made it to the toilet just in time to lose her lunch (the onion rings really didn’t taste better coming up). But at least the unwanted thoughts had - finally - stopped.
After brushing her teeth, she padded out to her bed and slipped on her headphones for a little one-on-one time with her Walkman. She was in the mood to lay in bed and drown in some Michael Bolton. But as she played “ Said I Loved You…But I Lied ” for the millionth time, she noticed Leia crouching on the other side of her bed.
Leia clearly thought it was a clever hiding spot, and didn’t realize she’d been spotted. Gwen let her think that for about two minutes, trying to muster up the strength to kick her out. Crap .
“I know you’re there,” she finally said, and on cue, Leia popped up like a prairie dog. And tried to convince her that distance was gonna bring them closer.
Gwen wasn’t buying it. Her dad? He’d used all the same lines. Including the AT&T commercial.
And when Gwen shut him out with the silent treatment? He just left. He eventually gave up, and Leia would too. Everybody did.
Except she… didn’t.
“Gwen, for real, you’re my best friend and nothing will ever change that.”
She was? She’d never been anyone’s best friend before.
“If I’m in Chicago, I’m here for you. If I’m on the moon, I’m here for you. When we die, my ghost will haunt your ghost. So get used to it, because you’re stuck with me!”
Gwen hugged her, pulling her
best friend
close. There was something about her earnestness that made Gwen
want
to believe her, more than anything in the entire world. She
didn’t
want to think about how she was… tingling after their hug.