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Ben feels like a piece of garbage that’s been tossed in a very deep pit. He’s been hurt before, hurt in the very intimate, personal way that can only be achieved by someone who can literally get inside your head.
This time, though, it was his dad who did it. The rational part of his brain knows that it wasn’t really Dad. That Dad only did it because he had to. Or else Dad never would have hurt him.
The irrational part of his brain makes note of the fact that he’s now lying on the floor. Dad hadn’t even kissed his forehead and thanked him- he had just gotten the information, told Ben to take it easy, and left. He feels too weak to move, so he just lays there, feeling the malevolent mind just a few feet away.
“You look like hell, little brother,” Hal’s voice comes from somewhere in the direction of Ben’s feet.
“Yeah,” Ben says. He’s trying to be nice to Hal to make up for everything he’s done, but he also feels so terrible so he really doesn’t want to deal with him making fun of him right now.
Hal crouches next to him. “Come on, let me help you up. You shouldn’t be here. It’s right next door.”
“I’m okay,” Ben says.
“Don’t be dumb,” Hal says. He rests his hand gently on Ben’s shoulder, and Ben flinches away.
“Sorry,” Ben says. “Long day.”
“Come on, I have to get going. Act on that intelligence you and Maggie got us,” Hal says. “Dad’s putting together the team now.”
“Why are you helping me?” Ben mumbles after Hal’s helped him get to his feet. “You hate me.”
“I don’t hate you, stupid,” Hal says, arm wrapped around his waist. “I’m mad as hell at you, but I love you.”
Ben hates himself enough for the both of them, but he doesn’t say that.
“I asked Maggie to help. I made Dad do this. This is my fault,” Ben says after a long silence. “Don’t be mad at Dad.” Because Hal always gets mad at Dad over stuff like this.
Hal helps him lay down in his bed, takes his boots off, and pulls the covers over him; Ben can see the barely controlled anger in each of his movements.
“You don’t always have to defend Dad,” Hal says. “He hurt you-“
“Because he had to!” Ben interrupts weakly. “And I told him to!”
“He hurt you and it’s okay to be mad at him,” Hal says, looking at him sadly. “He didn’t even come put you to bed. I know you, Ben. I know that hurts you.”
Ben wants to shrug, but that sounds exhausting, so he just stares up at Hal. “It doesn’t matter. I always defend Dad.”
Hal smiles a little at him. “I have no idea how you do it. You rest now, okay? You gotta get better so I can go back to being angry again.”
Ben moves his head up and down. “Thanks, Hal.”
“Always, Ben,” Hal says, squeezing his shoulder gently before getting up and turning towards the door.
“Be careful,” Ben says. “Watch out for yourself. And Dad.”
Hal nods, back still turned, and leaves.
Ben lays there. He know he should feel proud- he did what he had to and he succeeded. He got into the head of the Overlord against its will, like they’ve done to him so many times, and he got the information that’ll save them.
But mostly he just feels empty.
“Look, you have to go sit with Ben,” Hal says to Dad.
“Hal, we’ve got a mission to go on,” Dad says, voice rough.
“When we get back,” Hal says. “Ben needs you.”
“He’s a big boy, Hal,” Dad says, refusing to look at him.
“You tortured him,” Hal says in a quiet voice. “You smacked around an Overlord knowing that it would torture him.”
“It was the only way to get the information that we needed, and he wanted me to. He’d never forgive himself if we got overrun by these damned skitters and he thought that he could have stopped it,” Dad says. “He’s fine.”
Hal takes a deep breath to keep himself from smacking his father. He will never understand why Ben always needs to protect Dad; doesn’t Ben know what the roles of father and son should actually look like? “Look, whatever, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t need you. He always needs you. And you clearly know you’ve done something wrong, because you haven’t been able to look me in the eye or even say Ben’s name.”
“Hal!” Dad yells, but Hal’s already got his back turned and he’s walking away.
“Hey,” Matt’s voice is quiet.
He knows that something bad happened to Ben. No one will tell him what, but he hears the whispers. And Ben looks so pale that it’s scary. So Matt’s original plan to jump on him and wrestle with him to make him feel better is out. He was even gonna let Ben win.
“Hey,” Ben says, smiling up at him wanly.
“Can I come take a nap with you?” Matt decides to ask.
“You need a nap in the middle of the day?” Ben asks. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine!” Matt says, trying to sound fine. “I just… wanna take a nap.”
“Okay,” Ben says, patting the space next to him and pulling up the covers.
Matt kicks his shoes off and crawls next to Ben, being super careful as he presses against him. He doesn’t want to hurt Ben more than he’s already been hurt.
Ben always breathes so quietly and sleeps so stilly that Matt always worries that he’s died in his sleep, but at least he can kind of feel his chest moving against his back.
Tom paces outside the room that Ben is sleeping soundly in. He had peeked in to see Matt wrapped up in his arms and so now he’s pacing. If Ben is asleep, he can't disturb him, right?
But Tom knows he can- he's spent countless hours sitting next to his boys asleep. He can stroke their hair and let them know that he's here for them, even if they’re asleep.
But in order to do what he had to do- and Tom knows that he had to do it- Tom had to shut down that part of himself. He shut down the part of himself that loves Ben so much. Tom doesn't know what'll happen when he turns that back on again.
Considering the likelihood that he'll have to do something like this again to Ben, maybe he shouldn't.
There’s a pained whine from the room where Ben and Matt are, and Tom takes a deep breath before peering into the room.
“Please wake up,” Matt says loudly, shaking Ben. “Wake up!”
“What’s wrong?” Tom asks, kneeling beside them.
“I think he’s having a nightmare,” Matt says. “He keeps making noises.”
“Ben? Is making noises?” Tom asks, the barriers he built up for this afternoon crumbling around him. Ben doesn’t make noises in his sleep.
“Yes!” Matt says, shaking Ben harder.
Tom feels his heart skips a beat as Ben says, “Dad, stop,” in the most crystal clear, terrified voice he’s ever heard.
“Dad?” Matt asks, looking at him.
Tom has to clear his throat before he can speak again. “I think you should go check on Hal. He’s, uh, feeling kind of sad.” It’s not a lie.
“Are you sure?” Matt asks, hand still on Ben’s shoulder.
“Yeah, go on,” Tom says.
Matt looks at him suspiciously, but gets up to leave anyway.
When he’s gone, Tom leans back on his haunches to look at his middle son. His face is drawn, pale, and twitching. There’s a scared look that is going to haunt Tom for the rest of his life- unless he can build up that wall again.
But then Ben’s eyes open and he flinches away from Tom. Definitely worse than that time Ben shot him.
“Sorry,” Ben says, scooting closer to him. “Bad dream.”
“Do you wanna talk about it?” Tom asks, already knowing the answer. He wants to stroke Ben’s hair, but he’s not sure if that’d be welcome.
“No,” Ben says. “Did you manage to blow the hatchery up?”
“Yeah,” Tom says, trying to smile reassuringly. “Thank you for what you did. It was very brave, Ben.”
Ben’s face, still deathly pale, lights up under his praise like it always done. “I’m glad I could help.”
“Do you need anything?” Tom says. “Have you eaten?”
“Nauseated,” Ben says. “Don’t worry about it. It’s totally normal.”
“You sure?” Tom asks, feeling nauseated himself.
“Yeah,” Ben says. “I just need a little rest.”
“Well, uh, you let me know if you need anything, okay?” Tom asks, standing up.
“I will,” Ben says. “And I know this will probably happen again-that you’ll have to hurt the Overlord while I’m hooked up to it- and I promise I’ll be ready. It’s okay.”
Tom just nods and practically runs out of the room. He finds a bathroom, falls to his knees, and throws up.
Shaking violently, he tries to get the image of Ben- always the most delicate one, even if he isn’t the youngest- offering himself up to be tortured, not just once, but for a second time, out of his head.