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It was a lie.
I meant to wake him.
But if I remember anything from when we were alive, he told me to never hold onto the bad things.
He told me this when I caught him burning his arms with cigs late one night.
So that's why I did so now. I put down the object that would release me from the world for a while and instead, picked up my phone then headed outside the Hotel.
It was crisp outside, breath billowed out of my mouth as I pant, struggling to hold back my tears.
I hold myself with all four arms and await the arrival of my brother.
I know he told me to wake him instead of letting go, but I still felt bad for doing so.
He needed sleep!
He was still getting better!
I reach for my phone to text him, 'nevermind' when I hear the Hotel door open and close softly.
I don't hear footsteps follow and flinch.
Silent paw pads are the cause of the silent steps and I knew I couldn't retake back the text any longer.
He was here!
And I'd awoken him-
"Tony?" The deep low voice of my big brother breaks the chilly silence and I break down instantly.
I fall to my knees and sob uncontrollably.
I hold myself, slipping away until-
"Let it out, Tony! Dats it, let it out! I'm here, Johnny's here!"
I whimper nonsense into his hold, face buried within his charcoal colored chest fluff.
I'm snotty, I'm incoherent, but he stays tall, strong, and there, a solid figure in the sea of the scattered bits and pieces that took over my head.
"Dispiace! Dispiace!" I whimper finally, recalling this morning only to feel him kiss the top of my head and hear him whisper soothingly upon it, "Va tutto bene~ Va tutto bene, Tony~"
"Ehi, dispiace anche a me! Dispiace anche a me!"
He can't rightly settle himself down like he used to, but he tries.
Leaving his broken twisted leg outstretched, he kneels down on his remaining one and pulls me in for a deeper embrace.
Broken twisted arm trying to hold me along my back, to capture the hold, to lock me, anchor me to the ground, to 'Earth' once again.
His voice bubbles out a constant gentle barrage of, 'it's alright,' 'your okay,' 'let it out,' and 'I love you!' Until at last, this episode takes its leave of me and let's me be, wrapped within my big brother's protective arms, his body like a blanket, voice like a light in the darkness.
An hour of hell later and we sit together under the stars, silent, but together.
He never releases me and I couldn't be happier to be kept captive.
We greet the new morning this way.
Together, in silence.