Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Before I begin with this I am going to clear a thing or two up real quick.

This is basically the exact same content as my "I am Spider-Man."-Series but here every part of that series is going to be its own chapter, meaning this will have about 25 chapters in total, give or take.
As of now the first four chapters exist and have been written and published in the series.
That being said I don't know how long it is going to take me to finish this but I AM going to finish it! It is probabl that I am going to really start writing this story this year in June/July because by that time I will have graduated from school and be done with that part of my life for good.
Also, English is NOT my native language so some mistakes are bound to happen.
Fair warning this is SAD, so get your tissues and enjoy the show.

That is everything for now.

Nope, not everything just yet.... Would anyone be interrested in being my beta reader for this series and maybe other works that I might write? Right now, it would be for this series and all the instalments that have yet to come and be written. I just really think I could use a beta reader. If anyone is feeling up tho being my beta reader, please just coment underneath this chapter and let me know.

So, now that is everything.

Chapter Text

After everything went south on Titan, considering that Thanos now had the time stone and was currently on his way to get the last missing stone from earth, everyone was just standing there and thinking what they could have done differently to prevent this outcome.

Peter was helping Mr Stark up when suddenly Mantis spoke "Something...Is happening..." but as she was saying that she turned to dust.
Peter and Tony watched in horror as the rest of the Guardians of the Galaxy dissapeared leaving only Strange, Peter, Tony and Nebula behind, but not for long because then Strange started to turn to ashes as well.
Before he was completely gone he looked at Tony and said "This was the only way."

Tony then slowly turned to Peter and was relieved at still seeing him as a whole and not turning to ashes. At least the kid was still with him... Or so he thought...

"Mr Stark? I don't feel so good..." Peter said while stumbling towards Tony.
His spider senses screamed danger at him and he could tell that his healing factor was doing all it could to keep him from fading away. He felt his legs dissapering only to be then patched back together due to his healing factor. It was torture. His body wanted to turn to ashes, to just give in but his enhanced healing wouldn't let that happen without a fight...

A fight he would lose.

Tony just stared at his kid in absolute and unconcealed horror. As he saw Peter stumbling towards him he didn't hesitate and just took him in his arms.

"Mr Stark I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go... Please... I am sorry..."

Tony's heart bled as he listened to Peter's pleading, powerless to do anything to make it better for him and then he was just... Gone.
His kid was... Gone.

Suddenly everything stopped... His healing factor stopped its fruitless attampts at holding him together and his senses stopped screaming danger at him.
Peter was beyond confused but never the less he decided to open his eyes but once he did just that he was still on Titan, the planet he had just turned to dust on. Tony was still there kneeling on the ground with silent tears running down his face. The blue space lady... Nebula was there as well, standing back and letting Tony grief.

Peter slowly approached Tony and planed to lay his hand on his shoulder but it went right through him?! What the frik was going on?

"Mr Stark... Can you hear me?", Peter asked, his voice wavering.
No response.
He turned to Nebula. "Can you see me?" But he already knew the answer considering she seemed to stare right through him.
Again he got no response.

Frowning, he looked down at his own hands and realized that they appeared to be translucent. And that was the moment he realized what was happening. His body had turned to dust but something of him was still here. He was sort of like a... Ghost... And that was the moment he started to panic. Would he stay like this forever? Where were the others that had turned to dust as well? Strange, Drax... Shouldn't they be here? Shouldn't they be visible to him? Where were they?! He couldn't be all alone now, could he?

"Hey kid, calm down. Everything is alright."
Startled at hearing another voice he turned around to see a man standing in front of him. The man had a short grey/white beard, was of medium height, had a half bald head and was wearing a pair of glasses in front of kind eyes. He reminded Peter of someone Mr Stark had told him about... "Ho Yinsen?", Peter asked, uncertainty clear in his voice. The man in front of him just nodded and gave him a kind smile. "The one and only... I suppose you already figured out what is going on?" Now it was Peter's turn to just nod his head, unable to form words, yet alone sentences. "Where are the others? Those who turned to dust after Thanos snapped?", Peter asked, dreading the answer.

"They are in the soulreleam... Where you should be as well... Where I will return to in a short amount of time... Why aren't you there? Once you die, that is the first place you would go to. I am able to be outside of it for a short amount of time every now and then but I have to return or otherwise I will fade from existence all together. So, why aren't you there? Do you... Do you feel like you are about to fade away?"

"No...I feel fine..." Peter said, totally confused as to what was going on. Just to make sure he really wasn't fading away he looked down at himself but he was fine. Though as he looked back up again, Yinsen was gone... Probably back into this so called 'Soulreleam'.

Looking for Tony and Nebula, he saw the spaceship of the Guardians of the Galaxy hovering above the ground, ready to take of at just a moment's notice. At that sight, panic started to consume him and he started running while desperately wishing that they would wait just a few seconds longer or better yet that he was already on board. Just as he thought that he felt his body become nothing... Well even more nothing than it already was...
For a second he saw only white and then he suddenly was inside the spaceship, right next to Tony.
Confused he looked around but it appeared that he actually was on the spaceship he just moments ago thought he would never reach in time. Looking once again at Tony he saw the man standing in front of a huge window wall looking at Titan or more specifically the place where Peter had disappeared, tears running down his face.
And that was the moment Peter knew he would stay with Tony. He would be his guardian angel, ghost really, whatever it may take.

Peter was worried, not for himself but for Tony and Nebula. They were running out of food, water and oxygen and if there wasn't a miracle about to happen to save them they were going to die. As Tony was recording the message for Pepper, Peter was right by his side, as always. And once Tony fell asleep Peter cried because he just couldn't see Tony go, even though then Peter would probably be able to talk to Tony again, he knew that it wasn't Tony's time to go... And it wouldn't be for many many years to come. Peter just knew it.

And then suddenly everything happened so fast.

There was this glowing lady, bringing them home, back to earth. Once they arrived at the Avengers facility Nebula helped Tony out of the ship to his waiting ex-team (kinda now again team) mates and the first thing he told them nearly broke Peter's heart.

"I lost him... I lost the kid."

Peter was with him all the time, always by his side because even though Tony didn't know it Peter did and it just made him feel better.
The day Tony was finally healthy enough to tell his aunt that he disappeared as well he got a call telling him that she had died as an after effect from the snap. She had been in Ben's car (which she had kept even though sometimes it was more trouble than it was worth but she had kept it because Ben had loved the thing almost as much as he had loved her), driving home from work like so many others did when suddenly half of the universe started to disappear. The driver of the car driving on the street in the other direction started to panic as he saw his body turning to dust so, in his panic, he lost control over his car and crashed in May's. She had died on impact. After that call Tony just stood there not moving just standing there and starring into nothingness, Peter on the other hand had started crying. His aunt was dead. Gone. And even though Peter was dead as well he couldn't go to his aunt because somehow his death was different.

Peter felt the moment Thanos destroyed the Infinity Stones. He felt them being blown to millions of tiny pieces.

After the whole shit show went down, he 'stayed' with the Stark's. He stayed with them at the cabin they had moved in and even though they didn't know he was there they sometimes wondered if the house came with a house ghost because every once in a while they were walking into an empty room and yet it didn't feel empty. As if someone was there with them all along and they just couldn't see this person. Whenever that happened to Tony he would just smile and think that this could very well be Peter's doing. Of course, Tony knew that that couldn't be true but he liked to think it was anyway.

Peter was the first to realize Pepper was pregnant because apparently being a ghost came with the perk of being able to identify other life forms around you and the moment he felt three with just Tony and Pepper around he just knew that Pepper was pregnant.

And while he was happy for them he was also a little sad because he would never get to meet their kid...

The moment he saw Morgan Hope Stark for the first time he instantly fell in love with her, she was just a ray of sunshine.

During the nights when she was laying in her bed he always was by her side and if she was tossing and turning from a bad dream he would 'put' his hand on top of her head which always calmed her down and through this he realized while she couldn't see him she knew that there was someone with her.

She was four years old when something happened that Peter would never forget. She was laying in her bed, waiting for the sleep to take her away in a land of wonders where nothing was impossible, with Peter sitting next to her bed on the floor, his back against her bed when she suddenly started to talk.
"I know that you are here. I don't know who you are because I can't see you but I think you are friendly... Mommy and Daddy often tell me stories about my big brother, Peter. He secretly was Spider-Man. I really wish I could have met him but Mommy and Daddy say that he is with the stars now, watching over us. But you see I don't believe them that he is with the stars because... You are him, right? You are Peter... My big brother, right? You are watching over us but not from the stars but from our sides. I just... I wish you could have stayed longer so that we could have met each other in person... I love you 3000."
And with that she fell asleep and Peter sat on the floor for a long time thinking about what she had said and cried.

She was five years old when Tony finally figured out that Peter was his biological son. He had asked Friday for a DNA-analysis of Peter to figure out how exactly the spider bite had changed him. He had asked Friday for that before the whole Thanos thing went down so he never got to see the results and after Peter's death it was just too painful... Until now.
So he asked Friday to show him Peter's DNA and she did just that but she also showed him his own DNA. At first he was confused as to why Friday did that but as he was about to ask her what she was doing he saw it. He saw what she had wanted to show him and almost fell out of his chair. The hologram in front of him showed him that he was Peter's father. His biological father.
At that discovery he broke down crying. After the worst of the crying was over he went to Pepper and told her what he had just figured out. Then they cried together because it felt as if they had just lost him all over again (more so for Tony than for Pepper).
Peter on the other hand was just shocked because while he always (not so much in the beginning but later on) thought of Tony as his father he never thought Tony Stark could ACTUALLY be his father.
That night while sitting next to Morgan's bed Peter cried as well.

Two months after that shocking discovery Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanoff and Scott Lang showed up at the cabin and explained to Tony (and Peter) the possibility of time travel and getting everyone back. After they were done Peter said, even though he knew that nobody could hear him :"Don't do it, Dad."
Because, yeah of course he wanted to come back and be alive again but his spider senses screamed that that would NOT be a good idea.
Once he heard Tony refuse he was grateful.
But only until he saw him standing at a table figuring fucking time travel out after he had seen a picture of himself and Peter.
And Peter never wanted to shake someone so badly as he did in that very moment.

After Tony figured out time travel (Peter still wanted to shake him) he put Morgan back to bed because she had come out of her bed and downstairs (she wanted a juice pop) (Peter could understand wanting to eat or drink something very badly)(he hadn't been able to eat or drink anything ever since becoming a ghost or whatever he was so for the past five years... Obviously he didn't have to eat or drink but it still was very strange.)

"I love you 2999", Morgan told their Dad after he had put her back to bed.

"Why 2999? That is an oddly specific number... Why not... 3000? Or... Did you tell Mommy you loved her 3000 and now it belongs to her?!", Tony asked her while clutching his chest dramatically.
Morgan giggled and replied:"No, Daddy. I love Peter 3000. You said he was watching over us so I figured he deserved to be loved 3000. I mean after all he keeps us safe."
"That's fair", Tony said and smiled but Peter saw the tears shimmering in his Dad's eyes.
With a quick "Good night" Tony left her room and went to Pepper, telling her that he had figured out time travel and now didn't know what to do.
Pepper just smiled at him and said:"You do what you have to do."
And Tony did.

The next day, right in the morning, he drove of to the Avengers compound.
Peter still wanted to shake him and scream at him to not do it because his spider senses were fucking going crazy with how intense they were screaming danger at him but he had no way of stopping Tony so he just would have to deal with the danger later on...

It worked. They actually did time travel.

Peter wanted to go with his Dad but apparently you can't time travel if you are a ghost which Peter did not like! But so, he waited there.

It worked...
They returned with the stones... Except Natasha...

Peter went near the Stones while the others all were outside grieving over Natasha's death... Normally Peter would be sad as well but something about her death didn't sit right with him, so he investigated.
Once he was just a few feet away from the Soulstone he suddenly felt two life forms coming from it... One of which almost screamed Natasha and that is when it hit him.
"A soul for a soul." Natasha had died so that they could have the Soulstone and so had Gamora. It seemed that the Soulstone "absorbed" the souls of those who had died for it... Or at least it had absorbed Natasha's and Gamora's soul. And with that knowledge Peter just knew that both Natasha and Gamora would return after the snap to get all of those back, who had been dusted, happened... He just knew it... It almost was like the Soulstone itself had put that knowledge in his head (unbeknownst to Peter the Soulstone had just done that because it liked the feeling of Peter's soul... Don't ask, the Infinity Stones are just weird...).

Peter stood right next to Tony as he finished the Infinity gauntlet and felt very proud because his Dad had done that.

And then everyone started discussing who should snap and Peter knew that now would be the right time to return to Titan because he should reappear there considering that is where he turned to ashes but his spider senses told him not to and so he stayed and watched to whole 'who should snap' drama play out.
Also wanting to some what contribute to the conversation he said (knowing that nobody could hear him) "Guys you should probably let Bruce-Hulk snap... With the level of gamma radiation in his body he would be the most likely to survive that."
And then he just hoped that they would come to the same conclusion, which they did... Eventually.

Bruce-Hulk snapped.

Peter was standing in the corner away from everyone else as he waited to become real again... However he did not expect for his body to start turning to dust yet again.
Though this time he wouldn't have known if he hadn't absently looked at his hands which were turning to dust once again but this time around he couldn't feel it... Thankfully.

The next thing he knew he wasn't translucent anymore! He had his body back! He was whole again! His spider senses on the other hand were still warning him about an approaching danger though it wasn't screaming at him (at least not now) it was more of a consistent humming.

As he was about to say something he realized that he could still feel the life forms around him... Not as good as when he was a ghost but still... Humans he was able to feel and two more life forms that originally hadn't been there a second ago... But even though he was alive he still couldn't feel his own but that kind of made sense...He knew that he existed so why should he feel his own on top of the others? Without having to look up he knew that the other two added life forms belonged to Natasha and Gamora.

Looking at everyone he smiled as he saw the huge smiles on everyones' faces because with Natasha and Gamora back they knew that their snap must have worked.

They were all talking and hugging each other even Gamora (even though they have never met) when one of Strange's portals appeared right behind Peter with Mantis, Drax, Quill and lastly Stange himself stepping out of it.
At hearing the unfamiliar sound of a closing portal (at least for everyone except Tony and Nebula) they all turned around ready to attack whoever dared to disturb their reunion only to be greeted with familiar faces.

Rocket, Nebula and Gamora launched themselves at their friends laughing, crying, hugging and kissing (Quill and Gamora). After Bruce-Hulk recognized Strange he went to him to welcome him back and started introducing him to the others who hadn't met Strange yet.

Tony though was yet to turn around and once Peter noticed Tony's shaking shoulders he just... Couldn't take it anymore.
In the last 5 years he had seen Tony cry so so so many times and he never had been able to help him! He never had been able to just hug him, be there for him and he had hated it, every damn second of it he had hated! Every time Tony broke down crying something inside of him broke because most of the times he had cried because something had remembered him of Peter and he couldn't help him!
So now upon seeing Tony's shaking shoulders which were an indicator that he was crying he couldn't take it anymore...

Without a second of hesitation he ran at Tony and then just flung himself at him and hugged him with no intention of ever letting him go (at least for the next few minutes).
As Tony felt arms closing in around him and almost squeezing the living day lights out of him he finaly looked down.
Upon seeing the oh so familiar brown curls and the IronSpider suit he started to cry even harder because now finally his kid was back! He was right there in front of him, hugging him as if there was no tomorrow.

Tony had been so afraid after hearing one of Strange's portals closing that he wasn't able to turn around because what if Peter hadn't returned? What if they had managed to bring everyone back except for Peter?
Then he would have failed him... Again...
At that thought tears had sprung to his eyes and he felt his shoulders shaking from trying not to draw any attention on himself by loudly crying. But then he had felt arms closing in around him and then he had seen Peter and that was when he knew they had made it... His son was back and would get to finish school, go to college, find a job, get married, have kids and then die after having had a long and happy life. And with that thought he hugged Peter back just as tightly.

Strange was opening a portal to Wakanda mainly for Steve who wanted to make sure that Bucky and everyone else who had fought and then 'died' there had come back as well.
While he was absently keeping the portal open his eyes remained on Peter who was hugging Tony and didn't seem on planing to let go of the hug any time soon.
Peter was supposed to return on Titan, with them. They were supposed to come to the compound to fight against Thanos one last time and then winning that fight thanks to Tony. That was what was supposed to happen, he had set everything up for this to happen and yet here they were at the compound without the mad titan blowing it all to pieces. Something had changed and he was pretty sure that Peter was the reason for that change.
He just hoped they would win the fight against Thanos in this timeline as well...

After they had finally realized that their idea of reversing the snap actually worked most of the Avengers imideatly wanted to go to Wakanda and great their teammates they had lost five years ago, so Strange offered to open a portal for them (with the first one only Steve went to Wakanda) to bring them there. Once the portal was open they all rushed through it while shouting the names of the ones who were dusted back then, leaving Tony and Peter behind. As Strange raised a questioning eyebrow at them Tony told him "I don't think we will be coming with you... Besides there is someone I would like for Peter to meet... So, you wanna come with me, kid?" At that Peter just nodded while smiling internally because he probably already knew everything that Tony wanted to tell him... Like the fact that Tony was Peter's biological father or that May was gone... Don't think to long about that Peter... You can't change it... You probably couldn't have changed it even if you had been there considering you turned to dust. At that memory Peter shuttered, remembering the feeling of his very own atoms tearing themselves apart while his enhanced healing desperately tried to keep him together... It had been terrible but thankfully he had had five years to deal with that so now it was just a memory... Yes, of course it was a painful memory but it was 'just' a memory.

On their drive to the cabin they talked about everything. The talked about their lab-nights and how they would always stay up until late in the night tinkering and inventing away while talking about everything and nothing.
How Tony's first creation of the IronMan suit (not the one he built in the cave but the one after) went, how he felt when he had been captured in this cave by those terrorists, how Yinsen helped him escape, what he thought as he had announced to the world that he was IronMan and how Tony felt as Steve Rogers rammed his shield in his arc reactor, almost killing him in the process. Unbeknownst to Peter the only other people Tony would talk to about the later in particular were Pepper, Rhodes and Happy.
They remembered the countless movie nights they had had where more often than not they both would fall asleep in the funniest positions known to mankind (once Peter had fallen asleep laying upside-down on the couch, Tony right besides him in an exact replica of Peter's position which had made Pepper take a photo to remember this hilarious moment forever).

Once they pulled up at the driveway to the cabin they were laughing so hard they had trouble breathing and were just happy.

As they were getting out of the car the door to the cabin flew open with Morgan running down the rather short flight of stairs to hug her Dad because she missed him even though he hadn't been gone all that long, to her it had felt like a lifetime. However as she saw the young man standing next to her Dad she stopped dead in her running and just stared at him.

Luckily Tony had told him about his daughter Morgan on the drive so he didn't have to act as though he didn't know who she was.
So, he went on his knees to be at roughly the same eye level as Morgan, opened his arms wide and said "Hey Morgan. I think your Dad already told you a thing or two about me. I am Peter... Care to give me a welcome hug?"
Without giving an answer Morgan just came running into his arms and gave him the best hug he had ever received.

Morgan was shaking and had tears in her eyes as she hugged her big brother as hard as her five-year-old body would allow it. She buried her tear streaked face in in his neck as she whispered "I love you 3000!" Peter who knew this sentence by heart whispered back "I know Morgan, I know... I love you too, little sis." and as he felt her stiffen up in shock he just pulled her a little tighter in the hug.

Tony was standing behind them tears shimmering in his eyes as he was watching Peter and Morgan. Once he was able to tear his eyes away from them he looked at the open door where his beautiful wife stood, a smile on her face and happy tears rolling down her face as she was watching Morgan and Peter as well.
And Tony knew, he just knew that that moment right there was the happiest moment in his entire life because now he finally had his whole family back.

After some time Peter stood up carefully with Morgan still in his arms because she wouldn't let go of her brother for a while.
He then made his way to Pepper who in turn hugged the boy and Morgan while simultaneously beckoning Tony to join them. So that's what he did. He joined the hug and he had never felt more at peace than in this moment.
They didn't know for how long they had been standing there just hugging each other but once they let go it was already getting darker so they went inside with Morgan still in Peter's arms though now she was falling asleep.

Pepper quietly went into the kitchen to get something to eat for Peter with Tony following shortly after her. Though before Tony had done so he had asked Peter to bring Morgan into her room and put her in her bed (she already was wearing her PJs) but before Peter had to ask where to go because Tony didn't know that Peter had been with them for the last five years as a ghost Tony told him that Friday would show him the way and sure enough a pathway was lighting up, directing Peter in the right direction.
Following the lights, he soon reached Morgan's room where he proceed to put her in her bed. Just as he was about to leave her room and go back to Pepper and Tony he heard Morgan's sleepy voice asking him something that made him stop dead in his treks "You never were with the stars, were you? You always were with us, watching over us from our sides... We just couldn't see you... Right?" "Yes, I never was with the stars... I always was with you, right by your side where I will always be... Goodnight." "Night Peter... Love you 3000." "Love you too, baby sis."
And with that Peter carefully closed the door and returned to Pepper and Tony.

Sitting on a couch in the living room, eating a sandwich, Tony and Pepper filled him in on everything that had happened in those five years and even though he already knew that his aunt was dead it hurt to hear it directed at him and so he cried...
Once that was done and out of the way they told him how the 'Blip' (dear News stations... What the hell?!) changed the world completely, how they all had struggled to remain standing and how it had brought the whole world closer together.
And finally how Tony had figured out that he was Peter's biological father which Peter also already knew but hearing it knowing that it was meant for him to hear... That just hit differently.
So they cried again Tony, Pepper and Peter. Once they all had calmed down enough that they could talk normally Tony asked Peter if he were okay with Pepper and Tony officially making him a Stark.
Of course Peter was okay with that... He was more than okay with that.

After this eventful evening (night really) they went to bed as well, Tony showing Peter to his room before saying good night and going to his and Pepper's room. Peter of course knew where his room was but he couldn't just say that so he played along.
Before Tony went off to Pepper's and his room he hugged Peter once again and said to him "I am so glad that you are back." "I am too" was Peter's reply to that and then they both finally went to bed.

The next morning, Peter woke up some what early because his spider senses were telling him that something bad was coming... Not yet but soon. Not knowing what to make out of this he decided to ignore it for now and deal with it later.

Looking around himself he took in his room which had all his stuff from his room in May's and his apartment plus some pictures May had hung all over their place. He, of course, knew what his room looked like but as a ghost he never was able to touch anything, he could just look at it.
He wondered if the box was there as well... Going to his closet he opened the doors, crouched down and... Would you look at this, there it was, the box. Carefully he took it out and lifted the lid off of it to reveal a fake IronMan helmet and fake repulsors both made to fit a kid. Smiling he softly traced the IronMan helmet with his fingers, being happy that it was still there.

Placing the box back where he had found it and closing the doors of the closet he went downstairs only to find the others already there eating breakfast.
As he was about to ask where he could find a plate, a knife and a mug for himself he saw that, right there on the table's site opposite of Morgan, was exactly what he had wanted to get. It was untouched and he immediately knew that it was meant for him. Smiling he took a seat.

During breakfast they talked about everything and Peter felt... At home.

Once breakfast was finished and the table cleared Morgan practically dragged him outside to her tent so that they could play. And that was exactly what they did. They played the whole day, just coming inside for lunch and then went straight back to the tent.

In the middle of playing with the hero figures battling Ultron Morgan suddenly stopped playing and looked at Peter.
Before Peter could ask what was wrong Morgan spoke "Daddy talked a lot about you and told me that you were his favourite hero but he didn't tell me why you... Shortly after that I discovered the existence of Spider-Man, who mostly was looking out for the little guy but could take on super villains if needed. From then on I had two favourite heroes... Daddy and you. Once I told Daddy that he told me that my big brother actually had been Spider-Man before the Blip had taken him away... So you are Spider-Man... Right?"
Peter was speechless for just a moment then beckoned Morgan to lean forward just a little. Then he said "Yes, it is true. I am Spider-Man."
At that Morgan beamed happily up at him and said "Being a hero must run in our family!" "Yeah, yeah I suppose it does."
After this they went back to playing as if the conversation never had happened but Peter knew it had.

After they had eaten dinner Morgan was practically dead on her feet so Pepper took her to bed while Peter and Tony cleaned the table and the plates, knifes, forks etc. up. As they were doing so they once again started talking.
Tony told him that he had been the reason for Tony to figure out time travel because he deserved a second chance at life.
From there on they talked about many different topics until eventually they ended up taking about heroing.

"You know, kid" Tony began as he was drying up the last plate "the first time I saw one of those Spider-Man videos on YouTube I was pretty impressed but after I figured out that you only were 15 I was baffled and then after our conversation you truly had my respect. You were only 15 and in no way hold the responsibility to go out and do what you did but you did it anyway. Everyday you went out there in that ridiculous excuse of a suit and saved lifes while putting yours on the line and you never even told the world that you were Spider-Man... You did all the things you did and never even wanted recognition for any of it."
"Well I couldn't just go to a press conference and be all like 'Truth is... I am Spider-Man.', now could I? But you know primarily I wanted to keep my identity a secret because I wanted to protect my friends and May so that they wouldn't become the targets of any villains I once put behind lock and key by using them to get to me..." Peter answered, smiling softly at the memory of his aunt and his friends who he had to text later on.
At hearing that answer Tony just nodded and they went back to talking about lighter topics.

The next day Peter decided to try and contact his friends who luckily (at least for him) had been dusted as well.
Ned and MJ just were happy to be back together with their parents who also had been dusted whereas Harley found it a little weird because not only were his Mom and sister now five years older but on top of that his Mom also had had a boyfriend for the past three years so yeah, that was totally weird. Peter and Harley had met through Tony and just instantly hit it of.
Shuri was like Ned and MJ just happy to be back with her family and friends. Shuri and Peter had met on a science website for 'Nerds' where they both had been geeking out over one of Dr Banners books on gamma radiation. After that they had started writing eachother private messages on that app until they eventually gave the other one their cell phone number.
Ever since then they had been friends and talked about everything from vine to the nerdiest things imaginable.
During one of these conversations Shuri had told him that she was the princess of Wakanda to which Peter simply had replied with "And I am Spider-Man." Of course neither of them believed the other... That was until T'Challa and Tony met to talk about some stuff and dragged Shuri and Peter along with them. As they were introduced to each other their eyes just comically widened before they started talking so fast that Tony and T'Challa both were lost and decided that it probably was for the best to just leave them be and go talk about the business stuff.
After that meeting Peter would often help Shuri out with one of her inventions and so people eventually started to get to know and like Peter. To his next birthday Peter received a gift from Shuri... A Spider-Man suit made out of vibranium that looked like a watch but was always ready to transform into the suit.
Peter never took that watch of. NEVER!
As the people of Wakanda (they don't know that Peter is Spider-Man) heard what Shuri had given Peter to his birthday they all were a little relieved that he now had a suit that would protect him from almost anything should he ever need it.

Little did they know Peter would need this suit sooner than they had hoped.

After re-bonding with his friends a little bit (via the internet etc) he spent the day much like he did the day before with Morgan, Pepper and Tony just being... a family and Peter enjoyed every second of it.
But even though everything seemed to be perfect and safe his spidersenses would act up every now and then telling him about an incoming danger and that he should be ready for anything.

The first few days he was able to ignore it but as it was becoming more and more insistent until it practically screamed at him he knew he couldn't continue to ignore it any longer.
So as everyone already had gone to bed on the seventh day that the dusted were back he went in the lab at the cabin and began to work, finally giving in to his senses.

It was the next day, around noon, when chaos hit.

Peter and Tony were talking about Tony literally figuring out time travel when Friday alerted them that the Avengers' compound seemed to be under attack by... Thanos? Without a second thought Peter pressed the button on his watch transforming it into his vibranium Spider-Man suit while Tony called upon his newest IronMan suit.
Seconds later they were standing on the porch of the cabin ready to leave and fight Thanos one last time (hopefully). Pepper and Morgan came running at them and hugged them.
Morgan had tears in her eyes as she hugged Peter as hard as she could.
Leaning closer she whispered "Promise me that you and Daddy will be okay. Promise me that you will comeback!"
"I can't... I can't promise you that, Mo. But I will do my best to come back to you, okay?" Morgan nodded shakily before she went to Tony and gave him a hug as well.

Suddenly Peter found himself in Pepper's arms almost being crushed by her hug. She had tears in her eyes as she looked at Peter, staring at him in case this was the last time she would see him alive and said "Do what you have to do, alright?"
"Alright. Mom, Mo I love you."
After saying their goodbyes Tony and Peter went of to fight Thanos for the final time.

As they arrived at the compound it was an absolute mess. The building was blown to pieces and in the middle of it all was Thanos with a huge army behind him.
Opposite of him was Steve, no army behind him and yet there he was ready to take on Thanos and his army on his own.
Without hesitation they went to Steve and stood to his left (Tony) and his right (Peter) side.

Just as they were about to go against Thanos hundreds of portals opened up behind, next to and even over them with every single hero and their friends coming through.
There was a huge Ant-Man with the Wasp next to him, there were all the other Avengers, the Guardians of the Galaxy, Asgardians, Wanaknandans(?) and so many more it was unbelievable.

Steve took a deep breath and yelled "Avengers, Assemble!"

And with that they threw themselves into the battle.

Everyone knew that Thanos was looking for the Infinity Stones which they hadn't yet returned because they just wanted to spent some time with the people they had lost five years ago before going on that final mission... Oh if only they had returned the stones the moment they had realized their plan had worked but now they had to deal with the consequences.

It wasn't looking good... They were losing... Terribly.

Thanos had the stones again. In one last hopeless attack Captain Marvel tried to get the gauntlet (in which they had left the stones) off of Thanos hand but Thaons just used the power stone and punched her away.

Peter saw all of this play out right in front of him and knew that he had to act now. Taking a deep breath and looking one last time around the battlefield to all his fellow heroes he launched himself at Thanos, hoping that his plan would work.
Once he felt the searing pain running through his right arm and then slowly taking over his entire body he knew that his plan was working.

Thanos grabbed Peter by his neck and threw him through the air, causing Peter to hit the ground a few meters away from Thanos.

The whole battle stopped as everyone looked at Thanos, anticipating the snap.

"I am inevtibale." Thanos said and snapped but nothing happened. Everyone looked around the battlefield in confusion, not knowing why nothing had happened.

"Oh...We are using our made-up names then... I am Spider-Man."

As those words rung around the oh so quiet battlefield everyone's heads turned to the source of these words which turned out to be Spider-Man, kneeling on the ground, his right hand raised in the air, showing all the six Infinity Stones, seconds away from snapping to end this battle once and for all.

As he said "I am Spider-Man." his mask retreated, showing everyone the face of a young teenaged boy with brown, curly hair and brown eyes which held nothing but determination even though he must have been in extreme pain.

Taking a deep breath, Peter snapped.

Everything went white.

As he came to again, he was leaning against a pile of rubble, Tony kneeling in front of him, tears streaming down his face.
"Oh kid, Peter... Why did you do this? Why did you have to do this? Why did you have to be the hero to save us all? Kid... I can't... I can't lose you Pete... Not again..." Tony sobbed, more and more tears streaming down his face and falling onto the ground.

Suddenly Pepper was kneeling next to Tony in her blue IronWoman suit, faceplate lifted up so that people could see her face and the tears shimmering in her eyes, slowly following the laws of physics and falling to the ground.
Peter could hear every single teardrop hitting the ground and it hurt him because he knew he couldn't do anything to make it hurt any less for them.

"Life functions critical" Friday declared without having been asked to do so.
"Tony we have to... We have to let him go... We have to let him rest..." Pepper sobbed quietly while resting her shaking left hand on Tony's shoulder.
Peter could feel his organs shutting down... He knew he only had seconds left and so, with the last little bit of strength he still had he said "Could you...Tell Mo that... I am with... The stars... For real? I love you Mom and Dad..." and after that was done and Peter knew he had given everything he could for this universe he finally could close his eyes for good so that was what he did.

Tony and Pepper were sobbing uncontrollably while holding onto each other.

Everyone was silent, still in shock at how young Spider-Man was and what he had done to save them, to save the whole universe, to save so many people he never even got to meet and now never would.

And then heroes all over the battlefield started to kneel, paying their respect to a hero who had been too young to die and carry the weight he had carried but he did it anyways.

They had won but the cost was great.

After that everything was a blur to Tony. He remembered Strange's wizard friend (Wong) approaching Pepper and him and offering to take care of Peter's body so that he would be ready for the... Funeral.
He remembered absently wondering why the wizards would offer taking care of a body, he remembered Pepper saying yes to the offer, he remembered Strange coming to them, Strange's cloak carefully lifting Peter up and following Strange through the portal. He remembered Wong creating a portal for Pepper and him to go home.

Now he was standing in front of the cabin with Pepper next to him. Both were still crying as the door flew open and Morgan came running at them at full speed, her arms wide open for a hug.
Pepper got out of her armor, crouched down and caught Morgan who threw herself into her mother's arms.

Tony got out of his IronMan suit as well and looked back at the door where Happy stood with a frown on his face because... Where was Peter?
Just as Happy was about to ask exactly that question out loud he looked at Tony's grief striken face and just knew what had happened.
So silent tears started running down his face because god damn it he had liked the always way-too-talkative-and-happy kid... He reminded him of how Tony could have been had his father been more of a... Father to him.

Tony went to join Pepper and Morgan in the hug and so they just hugged a confused Morgan while silently crying "Mommy, Daddy what is going on? Why are you so sad?... Where is Pete?" Morgans muffled voice was heard after some time.
Tony and Pepper both took a shuttering breath before breaking the hug. Tony then proceeded to kneel in front of Morgan and looked her in the eyes as he spook "You know how Petey and Daddy had to go and fight some really, really bad guy? To defeat him for good your brother had to use some very powerful stones but the thing is that nobody should hold this much power so after defeating him he had to go... He told us to tell you... To tell you that he now is with the stars... For real. He is going to watch over us..."
After hearing that Morgan knew that it was true... She could feel it in her heart so she cried and hugged her Daddy and her Mommy and uncle Happy again.

Ned was watching the News with his parents not yet knowing that exactly an hour ago his best friend had died, saving the universe. Suddenly the TV turned black only to seconds later show Peter Parker in his Spider-Man suit, mask off.
Before Ned could even begin to process what was happening the Peter on the TV began to speak "Hello everyone... This is going to be shown worldwide so that everyone knows the truth. If you are watching this then it has been exactly an hour since I died. How I know this? I programmed this video to be shown one hour after my death. Ever since I returned, my Spidersenses, which warn me of incoming danger, have gone crazy, always alarming me that danger was approaching... I didn't and still don't know what said danger is but there is a pretty high chance that I will not make it out alive. So yeah... I guess I just wanted the world to know who Spider-Man was behind the mask. My name is Peter Parker-Stark... I am Spider-Man. Sorry Dad for stealing your dramatic sentence but this was too good an opportunity to not use it. Yes, I am Spider-Man."
And with that the TV returned to the News where everyone looked utterly and completely shocked some even had tears running down their faces. Ned just broke down crying because he had lost his best friend.

That day and many following ones the world was as if most of its colours had been drained out of it leaving behind a sad and cold world.
Every country mourned the tragic death of such a young and brave hero.

Tony took a deep, shuttering breath as he was crouching down at the edge of the wooden pathway on top of the lake where a small piece of a beautifully polished wood was floating on top of the water's surface of the lake. The wooden piece was cramped to the brim with flowers leaving only a tiny free space right in the middle open. That space was where Tony now placed Spider-Man's mask.
With tears running down his face he pushed it away so that it was silently and calmly floating away on the lake.
He stood up and went to his wife and daughter who were not even standing a meter behind him crying as well as everyone else.
Looking around he saw that everyone who had been friends with Peter had come as well as everyone who had fought in the battle alongside him against Thanos and, without expectation, everyone was crying.
Mourning the death of such a young and joyful hero... But they were also mourning the death of a crush (MJ... Don't you dare say anything!), of a best friend (Ned, Harley and Shuri), of a big brother (Morgan) and the death of a son (Tony and Pepper).
They all watched on as the boat was floating away on the lake until it was just a small point on the horizon.
And that was when it finally clicked... Spider-Man... Peter Parker was gone... Dead so that they could live...

After that ceremony only the original Avengers and Ned, Harley, MJ, Shuri, T'Challa, Dr Strange, Bucky, Happy, Rhodey and obviously Pepper, Morgan and Tony remained. They all returned inside the house sitting in the living room thinking about Peter Parker and everything he had done as suddenly Friday was heard "Peter recorded a message and instructed me to play it after his death and with everyone in this room being present."

Before anyone could have reacted to what Friday had just said there already was a hologram showing Peter sitting backwards on a chair. There was a moment of silence and then Peter started speaking...

"I really hope there will not be a reason for this message to be played but... If there is then things probably went according to my plan...Which involved my death. Yeah... Not my best plan I must admit but if it worked... If Thanos is beaten and everyone is safe then don't judge my plan!
This time around I really am dead and will not come back to life... But there are so many things I wanted to tell you guys but apparently I never could so... Let's do it this way. MJ, Ned, Shuri, Harley you were the best best friends anyone could have ever asked for. Ned, you were an amazing guy in the chair, Harley the pranks we could and would pull of were hilarious, MJ thank you for covering for me because I was too late or had to leave a little early because of my Spider-Man duties and saving the little guy and all that... Not even the teachers dared to question me after you covered for me, Shuri I am so happy that we met each other because what would I be doing without the Meme-Queen? I admit that this is not the ideal way to tell you this MJ... Truth be told I wanted to do this in a super romantic way, I didn't know how exactly I just knew it had to be perfect... But that will never happen, so here it goes... MJ, I have a huge crush on you. It was probably selfish to tell you this now but you deserved to know... Guys, please look out for one another, okay?
Rhodey, Happy you were pretty much the cool uncles. Rhodey I loved the stories of you and dad during your college years, they were amazing. Morgan once you are older ask Rhodey about their college years it is worth it. Happy, thank you for telling me embarrassing stories about Tony whenever I felt like I made a total fool out of myself... They helped. Avengers I hope you now realized that you are at your strongest as a team so do me a favour and at least try to rebuilt the friendships that were destroyed... Strange you keep an eye on them so that they don't start fighting again as they did once. Mom, Dad I don't know what to say to you to be completely honest because if you are seeing this then I am dead and what do you tell parents who just lost a kid? Yeah, I don't know it either so let's go with this: I love you so much and I am so grateful that I could consider myself a part of this family. Mom you were an amazing Mom to me and I know that you are going to continue being an amazing Mom to Morgan. Dad I know you were afraid that, should you ever have kids, you would turn out to be a bad father... Just like yours. But I can assure you that that is not the case. You are an amazing Dad, to Mo and to me. It wasn't your fault that I died... It was nobody's fault. Dad, don't blame yourself for what I did... Mo, I am so sorry that we just had a week to truly be brother and sister but that one week was enough time for me to realize that one day you will be doing amazing things, people will love you. You will be amazing because you already are. I love you 3000."

After that all was said Peter stood up and everyone thought that that would be the end of his message but then he continued...
"You know... My uncle once said something to me and well... Those words helped me become who I... Was... I guess... Anyway these words turned into my motto and I couldn't just go without having shared them...With great power comes great responsibility... Friday please end the recording." After Peter had said that the hologram of him disappeared. Everyone was silently crying because now they knew Peter was really and truly gone... Those were his last words to them...

Tony just sat there crying because he had lost his kid! He had lost his kid!!! And he had lost him all over again. You would think that after losing him once he would know how to deal with it but the truth was he didn't... In fact this time it was even worse because he knew that there was no bringing him back this time... He was gone... Completely and utterly gone...

After the funeral everyone returned home or, in Strange's case, returned to the Sanctum in New York.
So, there he was, sitting in a chair and just thinking... Wondering. How was it possible? What had happened on that battlefield to change the outcome of it all so drastically? It all had happened the way he had seen it in the one future they had won up until it... Didn't.
Peter had been supposed to return on Titan together with them, Thaons was supposed to attack right after the reverse snap took place and lastly... Tony was meant to do the final snap... Not Peter.
So why did everything come differently?
He had been thinking about that ever since he had seen Peter with the Infinity Stones but he just couldn't figure out what had happened to change things so drastically... Nothing he would come up with made sense in the long run. He knew that there must be an explanation for what had happened and why he never saw it coming... Something... Anything...
But nothing came to his mind to make sense out of all of this and so he fell asleep totally exhausted.

The moment Strange opened his eyes he knew he was dreaming but this one dream felt different than the other countless dreams he had had in his life... This somehow seemed more real.
"Stephen" he heard a voice coming from behind him and he froze.
He knew that voice but he had thought that voice and the person belonging to it gone forever. Slowly he turned around not knowing if he should hope for it to be real or not.
It was real, or as real as a dream could be.
There, a few feet away from him, stood the Ancient One. She looked exactly as he remembered her.
As he was slowly starting to walk towards her he stumbled which caused him to look down, which lead to him actually taking in his surroundings... Not that there was much to speak of. It was just a plain white space as far as the eye could see.
Once he continued walking he muttered "Where am I?" It was not meant for the Ancient One to hear though Stange was not surprised as she answered him "You are some place safe... I can't tell you what or even where this place is for I don't know it either. I have been here ever since I died. I do not know why I am here or how you managed to reach this place while still being alive. I always wondered why I was here but now I know... I am here to help you find the answer to a question you yourself don't know. So, tell me, to what question do you need an answer to?"
And so Strange told her everything. He told her of Thanos's attack, of all the possible futures he saw, of how Tony was supposed to snap that final time and of how, in the end, it wasn't Tony but Peter who saved everyone.
After the tale was told the Ancient One was silent for quite some time before finally answering "Peter's dusting was different from everyone else. After you and everyone else were dusted you all were unconscious and in the Soul world. You weren't quite dead, yet also not quite alive. Peter was different. He really didn't want to leave Mr Stark, his aunt and his friends behind so he didn't. Of course his body turned to dust but his consciousness didn't fade away as did yours and everyone elses'. His consciousness stayed where his body last was and because of this his body did too... To some extent. He became what you would call a ghost. He was there the whole five years, people just couldn't see him but he was there. With him being there everything changed. Everything changed because he just didn't want to leave."

A week after Peter's funeral Tony finally found it in himself to go into Peter's room. Tony knew the room was just as Peter had left it that one fateful day not knowing that that battle would be his last and at the end of the day he would not return home. Taking a deep breath he opened the door and stepped into the room. His bed was made, even though it was a little messy. On his desk were many sheets of paper, some filled with difficult looking math equations and some with new design ideas for his Iron-Spider suit.
As his eyes were wondering around they were captured by a 'shimmering' air on one of the bookshelves. Curious, Tony went in front of said bookshelf where he then proceeded to try and touch the 'shimmering' air. He knew that it most likely just was an optical illusion and that there probably was nothing but his gut told him otherwise.

As his hand made contact with the 'shimmering' air, which was solid so there most definitely was something, he heard Peter's voice from behind him. "Hey Dad."
He turned around so fast he was surprised that he didn't lose his balance.
There right in front of him was a hologram projection of Peter, once again.

"You are probably wondering what all this is about. This message is meant for you and only for you so I recorded this message to be played once you had touched the 'shimmering' air, which is not air at all, as I am sure you have figured out already. I had asked Friday to disguise it but now I think it is time for Friday to turn the disguise off."
Tony turned around just in time to see a plastic IronMan helmet with fake repulsor gloves on top of it in the place where seconds ago there had been nothing but 'shimmering' air.

As Peter started to speak again Tony turned back around.

"I don't know if you actually remember this but at your StarkExpo, the one that totally went south, there was a little kid wearing the helmet and the fake repulsor gloves you probably were looking at just seconds ago. That little kid really was a huge fan of your work as IronMan and as Tony Stark... You can't even imagine how happy that little kid was once you announced that you were done with producing weapons. He looked up to you, he wanted to be as smart and as cool as you were. So, when the robots started attacking he went up to one of them, held one of the fake repulsors up and wanted to shoot the robot. Of course it was idiotic and the kid would have died if it wasn't for IronMan landing right behind the little kid and shooting the robot. This kid still remembers the words you said to him before you took off again...
"Nice work, kid." That was what you said. The interaction didn't take long and there was nothing special about it and yet the kid still remembers it as if it had happened just yesterday. Ever since that day that kid wanted to be like you... He wanted to save and help the people who could not save and help themselves. You probably already know how I know all this but I am going to say it anyway... I was that kid you had saved back then. That had been me... And I think now it is time for me to save you. Dad, I love you. I don't know if you will ever see this message or if I will get to tell you all of this myself but if you are seeing this message I suppose I died which was not your fault. I know you and I know that you think it was your fault, but it really wasn't. I can't be 100% certain how I died, but I am pretty sure I died in a big battle, my Spidersense has been going nuts latly and a big battle would be the only logical explenation, so that is my guess. Don't blame yourself for my death, it was not yur fault, you hear me? Not your fault... I instructed Friday to just activate this recording if I am not alive anymore and even though I hope that that wouldn't be the case but I have a feeling it will. If my feeling is correct just know that I have made my peace with death a long time ago. You could even say we are old friends... Dad, I love you."

And with that the hologram disappeared leaving a crying Tony Stark behind. Seeing next to nothing because of the tears that were running down his face he almost did not manage to pick up the plastic IronMan helmet and the gloves but once he finally did pick them up, he clung to them as if they were his lifeline.

He remembered that kid and over the years he had been wondering every once in a while who the kid was and how he was doing today.
Now he knew.
He knew who that kid was and what he had been up to before... Before he died and this time there had been nothing he could have done to prevent Peter from doing what he, in the end, had done.
He had been able to save him all those years ago just to lose him now.

Tony stayed in Peter's room the whole day, remembering Peter, getting lost in happy memories he had made with the kid who one day would be like a son to him... In every sense of the word.
He cried because Peter would never get to finish High School, go to college, marry, have kids... He would never get to change the world. He would never get to see Morgan grow up. He wouldn't get to do all of these things because he died way to young.
With tears in his eyes Tony fell asleep in Peter's bed missing his son so much it hurt...

If only he had stayed awake for just a few seconds longer, then he would have heard the words.
Words that seemed to be carried by the wind because they could be heard throughout the whole house.
They reached Pepper and Morgan who both were in Pepper's and Tony's bed because while they understood that Tony wanted to be alone right now they didn't.
The words reached both of them... The wind, which had been carrying the words, caressed their cheeks lightly while the words echoed all around the house.
The wind-gust that carried the words to Tony seemed as if it was trying to embrace him.
And even though they were all sleeping the words reached them.
They heard it in their dreams and were suddenly able to relax because they knew these words to be true.

"I will always be with you."

The next morning at the breakfast table they were all quiet, wondering if the others had heard the same words in their dreams.
But nobody wanted to bring it up in fear it had been just a dream and nothing more so they all kept quiet...
Well, Morgan did not.
She was thrilled that her brother was still with her... Even though she could not see him. And as Morgan told her parents about it they both knew that whatever had happened in the night had been real and not something out of their imagination.
They did not ask any questions on how any of what happened was possible because in Tony's line of work (heroes) the impossible very often just became the possible.

While they knew that Peter was dead and would never return, the knowledge that he was somehow still with them made it better.

And so everyone began to heal.

It was not easy, not even in the slightest but they were healing. It was slow and painful but they were healing.
They found themselves thinking less and less of Peter until they reached the point where his death was... Reality.

It would never be okay but it was the way it was and they couldn't change it.

Every so often they found themselves stopping and wondering what Peter would be doing if he were still alive.
But they had accepted his death which didn't mean they didn't wish from time to time he would not have had to die.
In the end though he did what he had to do and he had made peace with it, so they did too.

Tony, Pepper and Morgan were the last to move on but eventually they did, too. They moved on but never forgot him.

The whole universe never forgot Peter Parker-Stark, Spider-Man, just a 16 year old teenager who had sacrificed his life so that they could live.

By day he had been just a kid from Queens.
By night the world had known him as Spider-Man.
And now the universe knew him as Peter Parker-Stark, a true hero to all of them.

Chapter Text

A wife who lost her husband is called a widow.

A husband who lost his wife is called a widower.

A child who lost their parents is called an orphan.

And yet, even though all of those words exist, there is no word for a parent who lost their child because, by default, that is not supposed to happen.
The child is meant to outlive their parents.
The child is not meant to wield the most powerful weapon in the universe so that the universe may be safe and continue on existing.
The child is not meant to have been prepared for their death and have already made a will.

Tony almost wants to laugh at the absurdity of the whole situation.
What had been the point of him inventing time travel and going on that crazy ass mission if not to get his kid back? That was why he had done it all. Not because of all the other people who had been dusted, but because of this one kid. Had he not known him he would never have invented time travel. But he had known him and had come to care for him like his own kid, which he was but he had not known that back then, right at the start of their relationship after the Vulture incident, and what sort of a father would he have been if he hadn't tried everything in his power to get his kid back? He would have done everything. And he did everything. And he had gotten him back... For a week.
And now he was once more dead and there was nothing he could do to get him back.

The world had never been very kind to Peter but Peter had only ever been kind to the world and later to the universe. He had given his life for a universe that seemed to hate him and left behind a Peter sized hole in the hearts he had managed to worm his way into. Tony Stark's included.

A world without one Peter Parker lacked colour, sound, happiness and well... Peter Parker.

“Tony you don't have to give a speech.” Pepper told her husband in a calm and yet sad voice. The “Not so soon after you lost him for a second time.” went unsaid and yet both knew that that was what Pepper had initially wanted to say.

“No, you don't get it, Pep, I have to. He deserves at least that much. He deserves to have me standing out there and telling the world about him. He deserves to be remembered for who he was, in and out of the suit. Just... Let me do this.”

“Okay, Tony. You do what you have to do. Just know that you are not alone, we are here and we will get through this.” Again, the “Again.” went unsaid and yet it was as clear as day to the both of them that they were both thinking it.
Tony wanted to thank her, he really did, but he just couldn't find it in himself to vocalize those two, rather simple, words.
It was, as if saying them, thanking her for being with him and helping him deal with the death of his kid, would make Peter more dead, though that was irrational seeing as he was dead, there was no 'more dead' or 'less dead' there was just 'dead'. And Peter was dead. There was no denying that fact, he had seen him die, had been with him in his final moments, had made sure that he knew that he wasn't alone and those last moments would haunt him forever. Though if presented with the same situation again, he would make the same decision, to be with him in his last and final moments, without a second thought...

The second Tony heard Thanos's “I am Inevtiable.” echoing over the entire battlefield and had then seen him snapping, he had resigned and was ready to face the fact that the Avengers had lost their last time and that their universe would be erased so that Thanos could 'rebuilt' it.

He thought about Morgan who would never grow up, start and finish High School, would never get to attend collage, would never get to chase after her dreams and make them come true. He would never get to walk her down the aisle, if she had wanted to get married. He would never get to see Morgan's and Peter's relationship grow and flourish into the relationship of a big brother and his sister, even more so than the relationship they already had. With more time he knew their relationship would be something truly beautiful and something he would never fully be able to understand and that was alright. Some things he did not have to understand to love them.
He would never get to attend Peter's graduation, never send him off to collage, never see him change the world for the better. He would never get to be a grandfather, not that he would want to be one right now but someday. He would never get to grow old with Pepper, would never get to sit with her alone on the porch of their cabin, sipping on a glass of wine and watching the sunset while thinking of their kids who were out making the world a batter place. Maybe they would talk about them or maybe they would just sit there in silence knowing that, while they were not talking, they both were thinking about the same exact thing.
None of these things would come to pass however because of Thanos.
He knew that they all would turn to dust this time and he felt a surge of pain come over him.
He remembered how pained Peter had been as he turned to dust on Titan. He would not have had to be a genius to figure out why it had taken him longer to dust or why he had been in pain. It was because of his advanced healing factor and for the first time he had wished the kid would not have gained that particular ability from the spider bite. It had saved his life (and Tony's sanity) more often then he could count and yet in the end it had caused him an immense amount of pain. Tony could not imagine the pain of your very atoms tearing themselves apart and before that having to watch the same happen to most of the people around you.
And this time there would be no one to hold Peter as he turned to dust because they would all be dust before him. He would have to watch on as everyone around him dusted before it would be his turn. And even then it would not be peaceful like it would be for the rest of them all. He would be in pain, all alone and probably scared. Just because he had gone through that once didn't mean he would not be scared again. He would probably be even more scared because he knew what was awaiting him.
Tony did not want that for his kid. Not again. But he was powerless and could only hope that his kid would not be in too much pain, though he knew that was pointless.
He looked around the battlefield and that was when he realized something, nobody had started to turn to dust just yet and that, quite frankly, made no sense at all. Five years ago the turning to dust had pretty much happened right after Thanos had snapped his fingers and yet here they were and nobody had turned to dust just yet and that was... Strange, to say the least.
Almost on their own accord his eyes landed on Thanos, who was not that far away from him. Just as Tony's eyes landed on Thanos he turned his right hand and stared at the back of his hand with comically wide eyes. Where the Infinity Stones should be was nothing, nothing at all.
Before Tony's brain could fully understand what was happening he followed Thanos horror struck gaze and once he saw why Thanos looked so horrified, everything seemed to slow down.
There, just a few meters away on his knees, was Peter. His right hand was raised in the air and with it all the six Infinity Stones. The last one, the Soul Stone, was just falling into position on the back of his kid's right hand and Tony could do nothing but watch on in pure horror.
Red, yellow, orange, blue, green and purple veins started crawling up Peter's right arm, reaching up to his chest where they ended. It was truly terrifying to watch.
Peter raised his right hand a little higher as if making sure that everyone knew that he had the Stones and was not afraid to use them. Selfishly Tony wished he was afraid to use them so that someone else could, whoever that someone would have been, maybe even Tony himself but if that meant that his kid would not do it then he would do it without a second thought.

As he saw the mask retreating and showing his kid's face, his jaw set firmly and his eyes filled with determination he knew that Peter would snap. He knew that his kid would do anything to keep those dear to him safe and if it meant sacrificing himself in the process then so be it.
He saw the pain in his kid's eyes before he steeled them so that only his determination was visible.

“Oh... We are using our made-up names then... I am Spider-Man.”

After Peter had said that his lips set in a determined line and he snapped.
In that moment Tony didn't care that his kid had singlehandedly saved the universe and by extension every hero on the battlefield. He would much rather have seen the universe burn than his son sacrificing himself for it. Hell, he would have set fire to the universe himself if it meant keeping his son safe.

He didn't remember how he made it to Peter's side, he just knew that he was exactly where he needed to be, even though seeing Peter like this was pure torture. He would take Afghanistan and all the terrible months over this any day of the week.

Seeing his son, the right side of his face charred and black along with his neck, right arm and most likely the right side of his torso, hurt.
No, hurt was not the right word and Tony doubted that there ever would be a right word to express the emotions he felt while looking at his son.
His left hand reached out and buried itself in Peter's curls. Tony felt the soft texture of his son's curls against his skin and realized that he was not wearing his suit anymore. It had returned into its housing case on his chest even though he could not remember requesting that.
He was thankful though because a part of him knew that Peter would die and the part that was not fighting that knowledge wanted Peter to see him not in his Iron Man suit but just as Tony, his dad.

Without Tony realizing it, he had started to talk to Peter “Oh kid, Peter... Why did you do this? Why did yo have to do this? Why did yo have to be the hero to save us all? Kid... I can't... I can't lose you Pete... Not again...” At the end he was sobbing, feeling the tears running down his face and falling to the ground.
He knew why his kid had done it, he knew it all too well.
He had the power to stop Thanos and so he had done it, he had stopped him.
Peter Parker was a hero, always had been and always will be.
He had saved the universe in a selfless act that had required unimaginable willpower, strength and selflessness.

He knew that Pepper had landed behind him, not leaving either one of them alone. He knew that Rhodey was somewhere nearby too but he couldn't find it in himself to care about any of that right now. The only important thing in that very moment was Peter, his son, withering away like the most beautiful flower in a time laps, right in front of Tony and he couldn't do anything but watch.

Somewhere in his fogged up brain he registered the voice of Friday saying “Life functions critical.” without, as far as he remembered, having been asked to do so. Those were only three words but they were the worst words Tony had ever heard in his whole life and they would forever and always be the worst words he had ever heard.
He felt Pepper's hand clenching on his shoulder and without looking at her he knew that she was crying as well. He heard it in her voice which sounded as steady as always but if you knew her well enough then you could tell that her voice was shaking and almost breaking as she said “Tony, we have to... We have to let him go... We have to let him rest...”

Those were the worst words he had ever heard in his life and they always would be. He knew they were true but he couldn't focus on that, not just yet, while Peter was still breathing.

His body was shaking uncontrollably, but he barely noticed it, too focused on his son, the way his curls felt under his hand, how his breaths became more and more laboured, how he still was holding on, how he took on deep breath as if he was...

“Could you... Tell Mo that... I am with... The stars... For real? I love you Mom and Dad.”

Peter's broken voice was quiet and raspy and Tony could tell that it took him everything he had to say those words but he had done it anyway.

Tony looked Peter in his eyes, those beautiful brown eyes that always sparked with light and happiness were now full of pain and anguish.
By now Tony knew Peter well enough to see and understand the question in his kid's eyes.
“Is it okay if I rest now?” they asked, Peter himself being unable to do so with his words.
It pained Tony so much, to see his sixteen year old son like this, asking him if it was okay for him to rest now. It pained him because he knew if he said no Peter would fight death with everything he had which would cause him even more pain than he already had to endure.
The selfish... The father part of Tony wanted to scream “NO!” at his kid, wanted for him to fight.
But there were only so many battles one could fight before one lacked the power to do so.
Peter was no exception to that fact.
Tony could not find the right words but he knew that his eyes conveyed the answer because a small, relieved, tiered, grateful, loving and pained smile graced Peter's lips and in his eyes he saw a “Thank you, love you Dad. See ya...” before his eyes became lifeless just the same way his body did.

Everything after that was just a blur.

Tony remembered staring at his kid's body, way to still in it's motionless.
It didn't fit his personality at all, Peter was always moving, sometimes one of his legs was bouncing up and down so fast he was afraid it might fall off, sometimes he was gesturing so vividly and fast with his hands that all Tony could see was a blur, the point is that Peter was always moving, so full of life he had to get it out somehow. So for him to lay there completely life and by extension motionless was just wrong, it was something that was not meant to be.
And yet, even though it hurt, Tony couldn't tear his eyes from him.
That right there was his kid, his dead kid and that was all that mattered.

He was faintly aware of Pepper hugging him, holding him tight and he reincorporated the hug though he didn't fell anything other than pain. Normally Pepper's hugs made him fell save, loved and cherished but not this time. Not when he still saw those beautiful brown eyes of his kid, remembered how they sparked with life and happiness and hope that one day, everything would be better.
He had always hoped that one day the world would be a better place and Tony had always believed... Known that Peter would be a huge factor in making the world a better place. Peter would have been able to do amazing things for the world, more so than Tony ever could.
There had not been a thing Tony had thought Peter could not do but he never imagined he would save the universe and he knew he should be proud and maybe one day he would be proud but right now he couldn't find it in himself. He couldn't be proud of what his son had done after having had to watch him die.

One day, when the pain wasn't as fresh as it was right now, he would be proud of what his son did, though he would always be heartbroken because no parent should have to say goodbye to their child. It wasn't right, not the way things should be, ever.

The tears were falling faster and faster and maybe, once upon a time, Tony would have cared that others saw him like this but not now. The whole world could be watching and he wouldn't give a single fuck.

He embraced Pepper even tighter because she had also lost Peter, even though their bond had not been as deep as his and Peter's had been there had been a bound and he was certain that that bound if it had been given the opportunity would have flourished into that of a mother and her child.

Tony noticed all the other heroes on their knees, their heads bowed low while they were paying their last respect to Spider-Man, a kid most of them didn't even know the real name of and yet here they all were, kneeling to someone that had given his life to save their universe as they knew it.

As he realized the magnitude of what was happening even more tears flowed and he started sobbing even more, something he hadn't thought possible.

It seemed like a small eternity until people started moving again.
All the heroes got up from their knees but kept their heads bowed and everyone had tears running down their faces.

Wong approached Pepper and Tony thought he heard him offering to take care of Peter's body so that he would be ready for the funeral.
Tony wanted to scream and shout that nobody was allowed near his kid, they couldn't take him away, not again but he was lacking the strength to do anything that was more than simply breathing.
Whatever Wong had offered, Tony heard Pepper agreeing to it.

The next thing he knew, Strange was approaching them and his cloak flew from his shoulders to wrap itself carefully around Peter and lifted him of the ground before flying carefully back to Strange with its precious cargo.

Before Strange stepped through the portal he saw him looking down at Peter's body, safely cradled in his cloak and he saw a frown taking over his place. Strange was pursing his lips while running his eyes over Peter's body as if trying to understand what had happened what had gone wrong for a kid to be dead as the only one in a fight that should have cost more lives than one. For a moment Tony wished he had died as well so that he may not be feeling the pain he felt now. It was not a nice thought and Tony knew that but still...

Once Strange stepped through the portal Tony caught sight of tears beginning to run down his face anew, if the clear streaks on his face were any indication.

He felt Pepper taking his hand and leading him away, through a portal Wong had created for them. As they were stepping through he caught Wong's eyes for a moment and in them he saw an apology and a heavy sadness that made him think he understood, on a certain level, what Tony was going through.
The next thing he knew he and Pepper were standing in the drive way of their cabin, holding each others hands as though they were each others lifeline and they were. They had always been each others lifeline and they had always known but very rarely acknowledged it.

They both were still sobbing as the door to their cabin was thrown open and Morgan came running at them at full speed.
Pepper withdrew her hand out of Tony's, stepped out of her suit and crouched down with open arms in which Morgan practically threw herself.

Through his tears Tony saw Pepper hugging a rather confused Morgan and even more tears came to his eyes as he thought about Morgan who would have to grow up without her big brother. She only had been able to spent a week with Peter but it had been clear as day that she adored her big brother to bits. She had looked up to him, looked at him like he was the sole reason the world existed. Like the world existed only to witness Peter. She had loved him in a way only a sister could love her older brother.

As Tony had stepped out of his suit as well and was about to join the hug he saw Happy standing on the porch, a frown on his face and Tony didn't need to be able to read minds to know why he was frowning.
He was expecting a question from Happy, something along the lines of “Where is the kid?” but apparently the look on Tony's face was enough for Happy to know what had happened.

Tony couldn't take the broken look on Happy's face any longer and so he joined the hug.
He knew that Morgan was confused and a little scared and she voiced just that with her next question.
“Mommy, Daddy what is going on? Why are you so sad?... Where is Pete?”

As she asked about Peter her breath hitched and Tony knew that she knew where Peter was but she wasn't ready to face that reality. No one at her age should have to face that reality but here they were.

Tony knew he had to answer that question and so he took a shuttering breath before he and Pepper leaned back so that they could look Morgan in her eyes.
Tony took one calming breath and tried to keep his voice as even as possible even though it was not what he felt at all.
“You know how Petey and Daddy had to go and fight some really, really bad guy? To defeat him for good your brother had to use some very powerful stones but the thing is that nobody should hold this much power so after defeating him he had to go... He told us to tell you... To tell you that he now is with the stars... For real. He is going to watch over us...”

Tony saw the exact moment in his daughters eyes in which she realized that Peter would not come home this time around, that he was gone for good.
Tears started to gather in her eyes and she then threw herself in her father's arms with a heart wrenching sob. Tony hold her close and closed his eyes as more and more tears started to flow.
He felt Pepper joining the hug and shortly after that Happy.

And in that moment Tony realized something.
He realized that he was not alone in his grief, not completely. They all were grieving Peter differently but they were not alone.
It wasn't okay, far from it but maybe one day in the far away future it would be somewhat okay.
For now though it wasn't okay and that was okay too.
It is alright to not be okay.

And then Tony was confronted with the realization that his kid had prepared for his death.
He had known that something truly awful was going to happen and instead of telling someone, anyone really, he had dealt with it all alone.
It was a terrible pain to know that your kid knew of their death and instead of panicking they thought of the people they would be leaving behind and made something for them to know that they had made their peace with it.
Then again, Peter had always been selfless.

He was only ever really selfish when it came to ignoring the cries of his loved ones about his safety in order to be selfless for a universe that never deserved him and never would.

The second message meant only for Tony almost killed him.

Of course it had been him. That little guy who had not been afraid and had faced the drones head on could only have been his son, one little Peter Parker-Stark.
Just thinking about how close he had come to losing his son before he had even known him had almost sent him into a panic attack. But just before it was about to hit him, he had heard Peter's voice. It was not from the recording and later if he thought about it he would not find an explanation but he had heard his voice, no question asked.

“Dad, breath. Remember, you saved me. I walked away from the Expo with my life and an awesome story to tell. You saved me. You saved me. You saved me. I was alright, shaken once it caught up to me that I was pretty close to death, but alright.”

And that had helped Tony.
Granted it didn't bring his son back but he had not died back then and as sad as it was Tony was glad that Peter had had some more years on earth. Years filled with heartache, pain and grief but also with love, happiness, laughter, light and life, so much life.

And he was glad that he had gotten to get to know Peter because all the pain and heartache from having lost him was worth having known him.
Having known him was worth all the emotions he went through after his death.

Tony had given countless press conferences in his life and he had never been nervous before a single one, never, much less afraid.
That could not be said for the Tony Stark now.

He was afraid that what he would say about his son would not do him justice.
He had rewritten what he wanted to say over and over again and still, minutes before the event began he still felt as thought what he had was not enough and he should rewrite it again.
He knew he wouldn't get through his speech without crying and that was okay. He didn't care who saw him cry anymore, he had lost his son he was allowed to cry while talking about him.

He had learned from Peter that showing emotions was okay. It had taken him a long time to realize that but he had.

Six months after what had happened with Thanos the general public knew more or less of the events that had lead to Spider-Man's death.
They knew the important bits and knew that Spider-Man had died defending them and saving the universe.
To honour his memory the whole world had organized an event for him to be celebrated.
The event would be hosted in New York City and be life streamed in every country across the world.
For the event in New York they had closed down New York's Times Square and built a makeshift stage for the people talking about him to stand on so that they may be seen by everyone and that the camera men would have it easy to focus on the person talking.

Tony didn't know what they had all planed for the event, he knew that he would be the last person to talk about his son.
They had reached out to him and had asked if he would be alright with saying a few words about him and he had said yes without hesitation.

He knew remembering him and talking about him out loud would hurt like hell but he had to.
Peter deserved to be talked about, for his sacrifice to be acknowledged and not be taken for granted, because there was nothing granted about laying your life down so that people you have never met could live on and enjoy a happy and fulfilled life.

From what he had gathered the event was meant to celebrate Spider-Man's, Peter Parker-Stark's life and so they had managed to reach out to his friends and his family or what was left of it anyway.

At the beginning of the event they had decided to do an open mic so that everyone who wanted could come up and share their encounter with Spider-Man.
As far as Tony knew they only had four planned speeches for the whole thing.
Of course his but they had also reached out to Harley Keener, Ned Leeds and Michelle Jones and they all had agreed to talk about their friend.

They would start of with the open mic and let everyone who wanted talk about their very own Spider-Man encounter. That part could either go on for seemingly forever or be done after just three stories, nobody really knew what to expect so they were ready for everything.
Once everyone who had wanted to share their Spider-Man encounter had shared it they would move on to Harley, then Michelle, then Ned and lastly himself.

He just hoped that the speech he had prepared would do Peter justice.

The event started at 2.30 pm and would take however long it took.

Nobody stood on the stage and even 5 minutes after the event had officially started and was being life streamed all over the world nobody had gone up to the microphone that stood alone on the stage.

Just as it looked like nobody would use the open microphone opportunity to talk about how they met Spider-Man a young man, 20 at most, walked up to the stage and to the microphone.
After swallowing heavily and clearing his throat he leaned towards the microphone and began talking.

“I met Spider-Man on top of my apartment complex just as I was about to end my life. I had thought about it a lot. I was 15 at the time and didn't know what to do, everything felt like it was too much. I was just so tired of life and even though everyone told me it would get better I never saw it.
I was about to jump when I heard someone landing behind me on the rooftop. It wasn't particularly high but the fall would have killed me. The sound of someone else on the rooftop scared me and I stumbled away from the edge and fell rather ungracefully on my ass. There I was laying on my back on a rooftop staring at the night sky. The next thing I knew I was staring in wide white lenses that stared right back at me. Before I could process what was going on or even say something he had already started talking. You were about to jump, weren't you? He had asked me and sounded as tiered as I felt. I just nodded because what else could I have done? I had been about to jump and there was no denying that fact, not from Spider-Man. He had done nothing at first, just looked me up and down and then he lay down next to me without saying a word. We stayed like that for some time, I don't know how long, and then he started talking. Why do you think death is the way to go for you? At first I didn't want to answer so we fell into silence again. Spider-Man is... Was a figure lager then life to many of us. He was untouchable like the Avengers but different. The Avengers only ever came out if there was a threat that could end the world and we are thankful that they dealt with them but Spider-Man was always there. He came out and dealt with threats that could end someone's world. Not earth, but their world, be it their children, parents, uncles, aunts... He was the personal hero of many, myself included. I didn't want to appear weak in front of my hero but if I couldn't be weak in front of my hero, then where could I be weak? If I couldn't be weak in front of someone who would never judge you just because then who could I show my weakness? And so I told him Life has been tough and I am just so tiered all the time. Everyone tells me that it will get better with time and that I just have to wait and one day I will look back and smile because everything worked out but I don't see it working out. I am tiered. Tiered of never belonging, always being the outcast, the freak, the nerd and the laughing stock at school. I just can't take it anymore. I want to rest and not have to deal with any of the things, I just want my peace. Peace I can't seem to catch in life so maybe I can catch it in death. After I bared my soul to him he didn't say anything for a long time and just thought. As I thought he wouldn't say anything in return he started talking and what he said had stuck with me ever since then. I am tiered too. Sometimes I just want it all to stop. I want to throw my suit in my closet, never open the doors again and just end it. But I never do any of that, instead I put on my suit and I continue living and being Spider-Man. You know, there aren't many people in my corner, there never have been and I have a feeling there never will be but there are people in my corner. There are people who care about me. And those people would be devastated if I died. I can't do that to them. I am aware of how tragically comical that is because being Spider-Man could very well one day be the reason why I died. But that is not my point, my point is that I have people in my corner and I am sure you do too. Maybe not many, but there are people in your corner. Think about it, who are the people in your corner? And I thought and I realized that he was right. I have people in my corner. My parents, my two best friends and my grandparents. They have always been with me no matter what and if I were to die I know that they would never be the same, none of them would ever be the same. They never cared that I was the outcast, the loved me just the same, maybe even a little more. My parents, my two best friends and my grandparents, those are the people in my corner. I answered him and was nodding along. Once I had finished he had waited for me, like he expected me to mention another person and once I didn't he asked me Haven't you forgotten someone? I had just looked at him with a blank face because who else could there be. At seeing my confused face he had sighed rather dramatically and then had told me, in one of the most serious voices I have heard to this day You always had and always will have Spider-Man in your corner. I will always be proud of you and I will always be in your corner. That will not solve the problem that you are tiered of living but... But maybe knowing that you have Spider-Man in your corner will make living a little less tiring. He didn't know it back then and he never will know it now but Spider-Man, my personal hero, telling me that he was in my corner, sounding so sincere and honest that changed something for me. Slowly life became less tiring and every time I felt myself slipping back into the state where I just want to end it all I recalled that conversation on the rooftop with Spider-Man. I lost one person of my corner to the Blip, Spider-Man. And then I decided I would best honour his memory by living, So that is what I did. I lived for him and it was okay. I know that I was one of the lucky ones during the Blip because I didn't lose someone very close to me but I saw so many people turning to dust and that does something with you. It changes you... I am just grateful that Spider-Man saved me from ending my life all those years ago because it got better, not the way I expected it but it got better none the less. I am grateful that I had the chance to talk to Spider-Man, even under the crappy circumstances. He was and always will be my hero, now even more so. Thank you, Spider-Man for doing what you did. For doing all the things you did.”

After that story more and more people came forward with their very own Spider-Man stories.

The girl he saved from being rapped, the gay man he saved from being beaten up in a dark alleyway by a bunch of homophobes, the couple he saved from a mugging, the owner of a small grocery store he had also saved from a mugging, the old lady he had helped with her groceries while listening to her talking about her deceased husband, the young mother and her child he had rescued out of her burning apartment complex and so many more.

Tony knew that his kid had been up to a lot and had saved a lot of people and yet, all the stories he heard still amazed him. Peter had always been so nonchalant about all the things he did on patrol but these people had all been saved by him and they worshipped him, even before he had saved the universe. He had been their hero.

Almost 3 hours and 30 minutes later it looked like the open microphone could be closed and they could move on to the speeches.

The first one to give a speech was Harley. Tony had no idea what he would say in his speech but the second Harley had stepped on the stage and stood in front of the microphone he knew that whatever he was about to say was going to come from the bottom of Harley's heart.

Harley's eyes were red and there were fresh tear streaks on his face, sowing that all of those stories had touched him. He looked in the audience, all the people gathered there to remember and celebrate Peter Parker-Stark and began to talk. At the beginning his voice was wavering just a little and it was clear that he had cried before but he pushed through.

“What does it mean to be a hero? Being a hero means that you will put everyone else above yourself, that you will sacrifice your happy ending so that others may have one, or just the chance of one day having one. Knowing that it should go without saying that Peter Parker-Stark was an amazing person. I know nobody who could ever live up to him and I dare doubt that someone will ever be able to do so. He was something else... He was a good friend, the best friend I could have asked for and simultaneously the worst... Why? I will tell you. He always was entirely selfless and only ever selfish at risk of his own personal safety. He died to ensure a life for all of us, for this whole universe. And even though it hurts like hell, having lost him, I am thankful that I am able to fell this pain because that means that I have known him and having had the honour of having known him is worth everything. He made life more interesting and exiting and I can't imagine a life without him and yet I am living a life without him. Some days I wake up and for a short moment, I forget that he is dead. For a short moment everything is perfect and I think about how I am looking forward to talk to him today. And then I remember that he is dead and I can't talk to him. Those are the worst days. It is like loosing him all over again... He was a truly amazing person and I miss him like hell but he is dead and we have to somehow come to terms with that. Not today or tomorrow or anytime in the near future but someday. However, he may be gone but never forgotten, we all will remember him, tell stories about him and someday, when it doesn't hurt as much as it does now, celebrate his life. We all are in his debt, a debt we can never repay him so we should do the next best thing. We should honour his sacrifice by doing what he wanted us to do. We should live and enjoy life the way it is. He can't anymore, he gave that up for us, but we can try our best for him so we should... Peter, thank you for everything you have given up for us to have a future. Thank you.”

The speech was short but everything that had to be said had been said. Harley had gotten right down to it and he might have cried while giving that speech but he had pulled through and he wasn't the only one crying. Tony knew because he was crying himself.

As soon as Harley had returned back to his seat in the first row he was crying and not trying to hold the tears back anymore. His mother didn't hesitate and pulled him in a tight embrace. His sister and his mother's new boyfriend also leaned in closer and joined the hug.

Tony tore his eyes away from them, felling like he was intruding on a private moment and instead looked back at the stage where MJ now stood.
She seemed to be fine but he saw the fresh tears in her eyes, threatening to fall to the ground.
She took a shuddering breath before she began speaking. What followed was short but held so many emotions that she may as well have talked for years.

“Peter Parker-Stark was a truly amazing person and to be quite honest I don't think we deserved him. And yet we had him. We had a truly amazing person who at first glance seemed to just be your average nerd but he was so much more than that... He simply was amazing and nothing will ever change that, not even his death. He may be dead but his legacy will live on in every single one of us.”

It was short and yet she had managed to say everything that needed to be said.
If Peter was still around he would chuckle and say, under his breath That is so MJ. Tony was so sure of it he thought, for a split second that he had actually heard Peter's voice say this. But he knew that was impossible and so he just smiled sadly.

The next person to go to the microphone was Ned.

Tony knew that Ned was Peter's equivalent to his Rhodey and so he was ready for a lot but nothing could have prepared him for the actual speech.
Nobody was prepared for it and they most likely never would be but it was important that they listen to what Ned had to say and so they did.

“The day I first met Peter Parker was on our first day of second grade. I remember it very clearly. My parents and I just moved to New York and I was scared of my first day in a new school. In my mind all the other kids had known each other for like ever and I would be the outcast that nobody would want to talk with. My parents tried to tell me that I would make friends in no time but I didn't believe them, I was ready to spent my time in elementary school as the outcast. So I went to my new school and just knew that it would suck. I have always been on the chubbier side and I have been okay with that and my old classmates didn't really care about that sort of thing, they had known me more or less my whole life but I knew that that could become a problem at my new school. And low and behold it became a problem. We had our first break and were outside doing what you usually do in your breaks, playing with your friends, eating your lunch, something along those lines. I didn't know anyone and so I just stood there, eating what my mother had packed me for lunch that day when some kids approached me. I could already tell by the looks of them that they were wanting to start some trouble and had decided that I would be their new bullying victim. They must have been at least a grade older, at least they seemed to be bigger and older than the rest of us to me. They must have realized that I have seen them but they didn't slow down in their approach if anything they moved a little faster towards me. They looked mean and I was a little scared. There I was at a new school, no friends and the bullies were coming my way without looking left or right. I was sure that that would be it, I would be their new bullying victim for the rest of my life attending that school. But, like a guardian angel, there was this small kid next to me, pulling me along and away from the approaching bullies. He was small, even for a seven year old. He was pulling me along with him, straight to the swings and the bullies didn't follow us. I still don't know why they left us alone but they did. I thought that that would be it and that Peter and I would go our separate ways but then he pointed at my Star Wars themed lunchbox which I was still holding onto like my life depended on it and asked me You like Star Wars? I had just nodded and the next thing I knew we were best friends. It took me some time to figure Peter out and just as I thought I had finally done it he would go ahead and do something that would leave me completely speechless because that was the person Peter was. Just as you think you have him figured out he goes and does something totally unpredicted. Pretty soon after becoming his friend I learned that his parents died in a plane crash as he was five years old and he then went to live with his aunt and uncle. He never made a big deal out of it, that was just the way things were for him and so I didn't either. At the age of 14 his uncle was shot right in front of him, Peter watched him die. That was the moment Spider-Man was born. Instead of being angry at the world he decided that if he couldn't save his own uncle he would make sure nobody else had to go through the same pain he had to go through. His life had never been easy and he blamed himself for his uncle's death for quite some time but he always tried to do the right thing, sometimes with more and sometimes with less success, but he tried... One time at High School I heard someone say that whenever Peter Parker was nearby they got a strange feeling. They said It is like there is this magnetic force field around him screaming that he was meant to be someone. Telling everyone near him that he was meant for something big. I have a feeling he is going to change the world for the better. I remember all of this because it is true. I would always get the feeling that Peter was meant for something big. Just never knew how big... I guess, what I have been trying to say is that Peter has always been meant to be someone. And he was someone. He was Peter Parker-Stark and that is a lot.”

By now more or less everyone was crying, some were more obvious about it than others but they all were crying.
Even though Ned had not let a tear spill they all could fell the pain he felt in every word he had said.
The pain was tangible, it hung heavy in the air and was sucking them down.
And Tony had the sneaking suspicion that his speech would not make it any better.
Though that has never been the goal of his speech. He just wanted for everyone to know what an amazing person they had lost with Peter. It might be selfish but he wanted everyone to know how truly amazing Peter had been and the knowledge that someone so young and brave and stupid and intelligent and kind, oh so kind, had given their life for them would hurt everyone. But they had to know. He knew that they had to know and so once Ned had stepped away from the microphone and was sitting with his family again it was his turn.

Tony had grown up in the spotlight, he was used to cameras being shoved in his face, flashlights blinding him, reporters screaming over one another to catch his attention and he had learned to deal with it. At the beginning he had not been comfortable with all of that but he had gotten used to it, he had to get used to it. He still wasn't comfortable with it but as he was walking towards the microphone he thought that he would have preferred to have flashlights blinding him or have cameras shoved in his face or have reporters screaming at him because then he wouldn't feel completely out of his depth. He knew he there were cameras on him but they weren't shoved in his face... He just needed something to ground him until he had made it to the microphone, something well known, something he was familiar with so that he didn't fell like he was trying to swim but was slowly being pulled under instead.

And then he had made it to the microphone.
That was familiar, he knew what he had to do next.
And yet, as he was looking up at all of these people that had come to remember and celebrate Peter, as he saw their faces filled with sorrow and grief and pain he felt himself swimming again.
He was trying to stay over the water but was slowly pulled under.
He felt like he was drowning.
He felt the same way he had felt all this time ago in Afghanistan in the cave when his captors had forced his head under water again and again and had only pulled him up for a short amount of time until he thought he was about to die every time they forced his head under water again.
He felt like that but at the same time it felt worse because he knew nobody would pull his head up and out of the water he had to find a way himself.
And maybe giving this speech was a step in the right direction.

He hoped so anyway.

“The first time I meet Peter Parker was quite chaotic. It was shortly before the whole fight in Germany at an airport, the public has called it the Civil War, if I remember correctly. I have been desperate and needed more people to fight by my side. I have had my eyes on this Spider-Man for some time already and thought that that would be as good a time as any to introduce him to the big leagues and see what he's got. Not my finest moment I must admit but I can't seem to find myself regretting the decision I made because through that decision I met Peter. And sure, we had a pretty rough start but once all of that has been sorted out we grew closer and closer and then all of a sudden he was a part of my found family before we knew that we were actually family, that he was my son... But I am getting off topic, I wanted to talk about how we first met. It wasn't all that hard to figure out that Peter Parker was Spider-Man but it took me some time. He was careful but there is only so much you can do to obscure your identity from a billionaire who also happens to be a superhero. And once I figured out who was behind the mask I came up with a plan. It wasn't a very good plan but it worked in the end... I had taken a look at his grades just because and once I saw all the As he was getting left and right an idea started forming. The 'September Grand Foundation' which was meant for college students to found their graduate projects suddenly became a little more than that. That would be the disguise for Peter, why I contacted him. He manufactured his webbing as Spider-Man himself which is something I learned later and that just proves that he was a genius. With enough time he could have changed the world for the better, I am certain of that. So with that half finished plan I made my way to their apartment and met his aunt because Peter was still at school. Their apartment was small but it felt lived in and welcoming. His aunt didn't know what was happening and seemed to be out of her depth but she handled the situation remarkably well. I mean she offered me something that was supposed to be walnut date loaf but I am certain that she was trying to poison me. She would have had every right to do so, I mean I was about to put her nephew in danger and he would just end up in more danger because of me though I am pretty sure he would still have tried to help with Thanos had I not contacted him all those years ago. That was just the person he was if he could help then he would help... His aunt was so exited about the whole thing and I felt bad but I needed every help I could get. We talked a little bit and his aunt told me somethings about him that I didn't find with my little background check I did on him. It wasn't anything to personal, just little stuff. Like what his favourite subjects in school were, Chemistry, Physics, Math and Biology though he preferred the first three. How he came to live with her and her husband Ben who had been killed in a robbery gone wrong six months prior to my visit and how Peter was with his uncle in his final moments and had watched him die. How he was still so very kind and nice and I became a little curious as to who Peter Parker was besides Spider-Man. And then he arrived. He came in and once May asked how school was he started talking. I didn't know him back then but once we grew closer I realized that he rambled quite a lot and that had been what I had witnessed that day. From school he moved on to a crazy car that was parked outside and as you can imagine that car belonged to me. Once he saw me his rambling died down because he would only ramble around people he felt comfortable with as I learned later. And then I proceded to bullshit my way through it, hoping he would play along which he did. It wasn't all smooth sailing but it worked for as long as it had to. Then we had the opportunity to talk without his aunt present in his room. His room was small as well and full of old computer parts which he fished out of the garbage and then worked on them so that they might run again. I already knew that he was smart but in that moment I saw something of myself in him. That could have been me had my parents not had the money they had. I could have been like him, fishing old computer parts out of the trash and then working on them. For a second there I wondered how my life would have turned out if that had been the case, if my parents didn't have money. I most likely would not have gotten kidnapped and none of the things that happened after would have happened. I would not be Iron Man and I would not be in the mess I was in. And for a second I allowed myself to entertain that idea, just a second and then Peter's voice pulled me back in the present Anyway look, I um I definitely did not aplay for your grand. I then showed him videos of himself in his suit swinging by and saving people Naha, me first. Quick question of the rhetorical variety... That's you, right? He tried to deny it N-no, what do you mean? But he was a terrible lair and I did my homework so I knew that that was him. Yea, look at you go. Wow, nice catch, 3000 pounds 40 miles an hour, it's not easy. You got mad skills. He still tried to deny it, said that that was all on YouTube and that it was fake, all done on a computer. Of course I knew that you could do stuff like that on the computer and with my technology I would be the first to know if that had been done on the computer and so I knew that it was in fact not done on the computer. I let him talk however because I had figured out where he was hiding his suit, more of a onesie really. Once I had found it it was game over for him. And he had stopped denying that he was the guy from the videos. From there it was more or less easy, not really but he had decided that denying it would get him nowhere. I asked him who else knew that he was Spider-Man and suggested that his aunt must know but at the mere mention of her knowing he looked at me, completely and utterly terrified of that possibility. No, no, nonono. If she knew she would freak out and when she freaks out I freak out... After that I learned that he manufactured his own webbing which has a tensile strength that is just off the charts. Later, much later actually he told me that he came up with this in his chemistry class. He was bored and he figured that he still needed a way to get around as Spider-Man and he decided to work on that now. About 30 minutes later he had his webbing done and ready to go. It really struck me then, that he was a genius and that one day he would surpass me and that maybe that day would be sooner than anyone thought possible, me included. I had taken a look at his webbing before coming to him and I was astonished. The idea alone for something like that is phenomenal but to actually make it work? Astonishing. I knew that one day he would take the world by storm. He would leave everyone speechless with his pure genius and I wanted to see that with my own eyes... When you can do the things that I can but you don't and then the bad things happen... They happen because of you. That's what he told me after I had asked him why he did what he did. His answer caught me of guard. The wording is plump and a little childlike but in that moment it caught me of guard... To be quite honest I don't know what I thought his answer would be but I know I didn't expect that answer, such a loaded one... It got to me because I knew exactly how he felt... Anyway after that I told him he would be coming with me to Germany to 'fight' the Rouge Avengers and he said that he couldn't at my inquiry as to why not he simply told me I got homework. As you all know he went to Germany anyway but the homework incident is... Was a running gag between us. Then we came to a pretty rough patch, you know that Vulture person and all that but after that whole shit show we grew closer and closer. He would stay over at the Tower which I didn't sell because suddenly I had a reason not to and that reason was a very polite teenager who also happened to be a hero and a genius. We would spent a lot of time in the lab, tinkering with whatever had caught our fancy. Normally I don't like other people in my lab, my lab is my lab and I prefer to be left alone in there but it never felt wrong to have Peter with me in my lab. It felt right, he just fit in there. And then I found myself looking forward to the days he would come over. He would sometimes even spent the weekends with us. If I think about it it would seem that we have been a family without even knowing it in the beginning. And I was happy. I was really, truly happy because that was what Peter could do, he could make you happy just by existing. It is a little weird if you think about it. He was a teenager and they are not supposed to be as pure, polite, nice, kind and responsible as Peter was. God knows I wasn't. But that just shows how exceptional Peter was, in absolutely everything. He was someone we all needed but never deserved to have but we had him anyway... During the very beginning of our relationship there had been an incident which I will not be talking about in more detail, but I remember one thing out of that incident very clearly and I have a feeling I will ever remember that part. I just wanted to be like you. Peter had said to me and I had responded And I wanted you to be better. It was something I had said because I knew he had the potential to be better than me, he had the potential to be the best of all of us. And later I realized that he already was the best of all of us. Sure, the Avengers came out if there were world ending threats and we usually fought them and won but Peter was out there almost every day. He dealt with muggers, robberies, rape attempts, suicide attempts and so much more and yet usually you would see him mentioned as someone who had rescued a cat out of a tree or had helped an older person with their groceries. He did everything he could to help someone, be that carrying their groceries home or saving them from a mugging. And yet he also fought big villains. He was 16 years old during both fights with Thanos. 16 years old. Most 16 year old teenagers have to worry about if they will be invited to that party and if they are what they should wear and he had to worry about beating a mad titan who thought that killing half of the universe was a good idea. He was just 16 years old and it was in no way his responsibility to beat Thanos in that final fight. It was not his responsibility to use the Stones and secure our victory and yet he did. He could and so he did. It was a non-brainer for him. There was a time on the battlefield where we all thought that Thanos had won, he had just snapped and last we knew he had had the Infinity Stones so we were all ready to face certain death. We were certain that that was it, we had lost once and for all... And all I could think about was Peter. His powers had allowed him to hold on longer during the first Snap, and that was not a good thing. He knew that something was happening to him and he had no way of fighting it. For everyone else it had been painless and quick, but not for him. He had felt each of his atoms ripping themselves apart while desperately trying to stay in their normal formation. It had hurt but at least he had not been alone. I had been there, held him in my arms as he turned to dust and the last thing he had said to me had been I am sorry. He had apologized while turning to dust because he knew that I would blame myself for his death... But this time around after Thanos had snapped on that battlefield with all of us we had known he would not only kill 50% of all of life but he would destroy everything. And I knew that Peter would have to watch us all die and he would be alone and die in pain, just like he did before. But it never happened. And then we all saw Spider-Man kneeling there, with the Infinity Stones and he had used them and snapped Thanos out of existence. The moment I realized what he was about to do I wished that Thanos would have been the one to snap on that battlefield. I am aware that that would have meant certain death for everyone in this universe but I think every parent understands me in that wish... I knew that using the Stones would cost him his life and I just couldn't lose him again, but I did... It had cost him his life. I don't know if he was in pain but I think he must have been even though I hope with everything that I am that he wasn't in any pain and could just leave this world in peace. It is what he would have deserved if he can't have a peaceful life. And he never had a peaceful life. His parents died in a plan crash and left him, a scared five year old kid alone, or at least without parents. His aunt and uncle took him in without hesitation even though they had never wanted to have kids. The next seven years were uneventful and peaceful, or as peaceful as Peter's life got... Then he got bitten by a radioactive spider and gained the enhancements that paved the path for Spider-Man, but before he could become Spider-Man he had to watch his uncle die in front of him. They had gone to a corner store, just two blocks away from their apartment to buy some ice cream and were already on their way back when everything went to shit. Now York is full of petty crimes and on that day Peter had to witness exactly that. They had almost made it home when suddenly a person stood in front of them, a gun pointed at them. Peter told me that he could tell that something wasn't right with the person, apart from the gun they were pointing at him and his uncle. He didn't have his powers for very long then and didn't know what this feeling was he was getting. Later he learned that that feeling had warned him that something terrible would happen, his uncle's death. But he had not known that back then and he had just been a kid, a kid starring down a gun and he had been terrified. His uncle had seen that and put himself between Peter and the gun. He had been a police officer and had dealt with situations like this before. He was not new to looking down at a gun but normally he also had a gun or other police officers on stand-by. None of that was the case this time around however and on top of that he had a scared kid with him, who happened to be his nephew who he loved very much. So he followed through with the best option he could think about in that moment. He tried talking the guy down. It had almost worked he was just lowering his gun and it looked like everything would turn out alright but then something must have startled him because suddenly Ben was laying on the ground with blood seeping out of a bullet wound right in his chest. The guy had fled the scene right after firing the shout and had left Peter alone with his dying uncle. Peter tried to stop the bleeding while crying for help but even though someone had heard him and had called 911 there was no saving Ben. With great power comes great responsibility. Those were Ben's last words to Peter and I think one of the reasons as to why he became Spider-Man. If he had the power to save someone else's equivalent to his uncle Ben then he had the responsibility to do so. For the longest time he carried the weight of thinking that it was his fault that his uncle had been killed. He told me so during one of our late night lab sessions, further in our relationship as mentor and menteé though at that time it was slowly progressing towards a father-son relationship though back then neither one of us would have admitted that. I told him, after a heavy pause because how do you react to someone telling you that they think it was their fault that someone close to them had died that every parent would die for their child in a heartbeat and even though Ben hadn't been his father he had raised him for seven years and if you ask me that qualifies him to be a father figure to

Chapter Text

Ned had known, from the very first moment he had realized that his best friend was Spider-Man that whenever Peter went out as Spider-Man there was the small possibility that he would not make it back home. That that time being out and about as Spider-Man could very well cost him his life. He had known that, had realized that and had thought he had known what that meant, thought he would be prepared for that, should it ever come to pass.

But that was just the thing.

He had known that Peter could die as Spider-Man, that his chances to die as Spider-Man were actually pretty high or at least higher than they were of him dying as Peter Parker.
He had known that and yet he had always thought that Peter would not, could not, die not so soon.
There was just this irrational knowledge that Peter would be fine, he had always been fine.
He had never actually thought that his best friend would die while being out as Spider-Man.
He was Peter, he couldn't die. He was always fine, or he got always back up, at the very least.
Nothing could keep him down and Ned knew that absolutely nothing could keep him down because that seemed to have been everything the universe tried to do to Peter.

It threw one catastrophe after another at him and Peter always got back up.
Peter had been a fighter, a warrior, a survivor, a hero long before he had become Spider-Man, there was no doubt about that in Ned's mind.
There could be no doubt about that, not after everything that Peter had been put through in his too short life, he had been a fighter all his life.
He had been a fighter and a hero long before any of the craziness, that later became Peter's new normal, had found a way in Peter's life.
And Ned was just thankful that he had known Peter for as long as he had.

There was not another person that could have been a better best friend than Peter had been to him and he would miss him for as long as he lived, that he knew without a doubt.

Almost one year after Peter's death Ned was better but far from okay.

Now he could walk past the Spider-Man murals in New York City without breaking down crying.
Sometimes if the mural he found himself walking past was even more impressive than all the other ones he had seen so far he would stop walking for a minute or two and just stare at his best friend because more often than not Spider-Man had been painted without his mask on so that one could clearly see his face. There were some that showed him in rather heroic poses and while Ned liked those they would never measure up to his favourite mural of Peter. It was painted on a rather big wall so the mural was rather big as well. It showed Peter standing in his IronSpider suit, the mask revealing his face with the colours of the Infinity Stones swirling around him in the background.

It was a simple painting, he just stood there not doing anything heroic, he just stood there and had a stoic expression on his face and that was the way Ned imagined Peter must have looked the moment he realized what he had to do on that battlefield against Thanos.

The first time Ned had seen that mural was on Instagram with the caption "I don't think there is another mural out there that captured Spider-Man this well." After having cried over said mural for quite some time Ned had liked the post and silently agreed.

Still, almost one year after Peter's death, going to school every day knowing that his best friend would not be there was terrible.
So much had changed in those five years he had been dead and he had known that school would not be any different but he had thought that he would have his best friend alongside him.

They would have faced this together and they would have managed.

Peter, MJ and himself, they would have pulled through and would somehow have managed all this chaos that was school after having been dead for five years.
Because it had been nothing short of chaos.

And to add to all that chaos of dead students suddenly being alive again there also was the shock of finding out that one of those students was Spider-Man and had just saved the whole universe and was now dead.
That did a number on all of them.

On the first day back to school, one month after Peter's death, their principle Morita had given a speech.

He had come up on stage, with red rimmed eyes and one could tell that he had cried, which came as no surprise to anyone.
He had sounded choked up and every once in a while he had to stop talking to reign his emotions back in and not break down crying right in front of all the students.
Ned had had it easier, he did cry and didn't care that the other students saw it, most of them were crying as well, so he and MJ weren't alone.

That first day of school without Peter had been terrifying...

Ned stood in front of Midtown High School of Technology and Science, one of the most prestigious STEM schools in New York on his first day back after having been dead for the past five years.
The last time he had stood there he had had Peter Parker right next to him, going to the bus to their field trip to MoMA.
That was the last time he had been "in school" for five years.
And that day had been the last day Peter Parker had been in school with him.
From now on it would only be him, without Peter.
At that thought tears started to gather in his eyes and then they slowly overflowed and silently ran down his cheeks.
He didn't care one bit.
His best friend had saved the universe and died in doing so.

By now some things had been given to the press about what had happened at the Avengers Compound and while they all knew that they only knew the bare minimum they all knew that, in the end, they had Spider-Man to thank for their victory over Thanos this final time.
Ned knew what had happened but he knew he only knew all that because he had been Peter's best friend and his guy in the chair.
He had attended Peter's memorial at the Stark's cabin and at any other time he would have freaked out at meeting Tony Stark, Bruce Banner, Captain America and basically all the other Avengers but given the circumstances he had only greeted them all briefly before staying with MJ, Shuri and Harley, mourning Peter.
And now he was back at school and would have to face the harsh reality.
Peter Parker was dead and there was nothing that could soften that reality. Not even the fact that he had saved them all because it would not bring him back. Nothing could bring him back.
While they had not been to school he could pretend that Peter was somewhere out there, alive and well, living the life but now back at school he knew that he couldn't continue like that, not when everything about this school screamed Peter and reminded him of Peter.
Ned closed his eyes for a second before opening them again and stepping foot inside the school.
He didn't care that he had tears running down his face and that he looked worse for wear,how could he care about any of those trivial things when everything reminded him of Peter Parker, his best friend that was no more.
The reminders were even worse than he thought.
While making his way to homeroom he passed many posters hanging high up on the walls, all dedicated to Spider-Man, Peter Parker.
After he had layed eyes on the first one he had decided to keep his eyes downcast. Seeing even more reminders of his best friend would be too much for Ned.

The school had decided to try their best at making the transition for their returned students easier and thus had seen to giving them the same teachers they had had before the Blip, as far as possible.
So Ned wasn't really surprised to see Mr Harrington standing by the teacher's desk in front of the students that were already there.
His head bowed low, Ned went inside and hurried to his seat. That seat had been his for as long as he can remember with the seat to his left belonging to Peter.
They had come into the room, had seen the two free seats right next to each other and had taken them. Ever since then those seats had been theirs.
Ned didn't dare look at the seat to his left, now without an occupant.

He remembered all the times Peter had sat in that very same chair, telling Ned about what he was working on with Mr Stark before their class began, radiating with life.
He remembered how Peter would sometimes doze off in that same chair because he already knew what the teacher was teaching them.
He remembered how Peter would, from time to time, tap his pencil against the table in boredom.
He remembered Peter.
Nobody sat in the chair on Ned's left.
Nobody would ever sit in the chair on Ned's left.

MJ sat in the chair to Ned's right, the chair she had sat in ever since they had all become friends.
MJ also looked worse for wear.
Like Ned she didn't care.

Ned sat in his chair and watched as all the other students, his new classmates, slowly but surely filled the classroom.
Some Ned remembered and some he had never seen before, or well he most likely had seen them before but five years younger.
He recognized Flash, who silently and in not Flash-fashion secured a seat near a window and looked outside. He hadn't said anything while stepping into the room and even now, sitting in his seat, he was silent.
In the back of his mind Ned wondered what had happened to Flash, but he supposes dying would put things in perspective for everyone.

As no more students came in the room and the bell had sounded, Mr Harrington started speaking and drawing the attention of all the students on himself.
“Hello everyone. It is good to see all of you back. I know that this time must be confusing for you, God knows that it is confusing for me, to see all of you in the same room, something I never thought possible, not after what had happened five years ago... I am just glad that it is possible.” As he said this, his eyes fixated on Peter's empty chair and Ned was sure he saw tears glistering in his eyes, but then he continued on talking.
“We, my colleges and basically the whole faculty, have a short assembly planed, to welcome you back and to try and ease you back into all this.”
Everyone got up and walked towards the gym, Ned and MJ being the last ones to do so. They walked, together with Mr Harrington, at the end of their class in total silence, unlike some of their classmates.
Ned was pretty sure that the assembly would also have something to do with Peter, but he was numb to that. If he didn't know any better, he would have thought that he had no emotions left.

Once everyone had arrived in the gym hall and been seated, the principal came forward, with a microphone in his hands.
After clearing his throat, he began speaking, though one could still tell that he was pretty emotional right now and the speech would not make it any better, Ned thought to himself.
“I am very happy to welcome you all back. I thought I would never see some of you again, but here we are with all... Mostly all of you back. I don't want to beat around the bush any longer than I have already done, to be honest. The main reason we are here is because one of our students has died. I am aware that all of you know this already, but I still wanted to acknowledge it. One month ago, Peter Parker, the person behind Spider-Man, has sacrificed himself to stop Thanos once and for all and to ensure the safety of the universe. Peter Parker was one of our best students, if not the best student we ever had at our school. That doesn't make his death more tragic because I doubt his death could be more tragic anyways... He was a bright and kind young man and would have changed the future if given the chance but to change the future there must be a future in the first place and he made sure there would be a future for all of us. Now we have a future and we have to make sure not to waste this chance... I know some of you were friends with Peter Parker and we have made sure that, should any of you need it, there will be a person to talk to. If it is about Peter or having returned from the dead, this person will help you. Her name is Mrs Xeng, she is a licensed therapist who was hired by the school in order to help you, should you need it. She is here Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays from 9.00am to 3.45pm. If you need to see here, you can either approach her directly or ask a trusted teacher to sent along your request to see her, whatever you are more comfortable with. I hope this school year is going to go somewhat normal, for all of us.”

All of that had happened last week and today, on a Monday at 2.15pm Ned had his first appointment with Mrs Xeng. Once he had told his parents about her they had told him that it would be a good idea for him to see her and after some thinking he had asked Mr Harrington if he could tell her that he would like to talk to Mrs Xeng. Mr Harrington had looked at him and told him he would do that right away and Ned had seen, once again, the unshed tears in his teacher's eyes but had said nothing.
He knocked on Mrs Xeng's door and shortly after stepped inside the room.
Once he had closed the door he looked around the room and took it all in. On the wall next to the door was a big sofa with a comfortable looking blanket lying on the opposite end of the sofa, neatly folded. In front of the sofa was a coffee table on which a full pitcher of water as well as two empty and clean glasses set. On the opposite side of the table stood two comfortable looking chairs. And on the opposite side of the door, right in front of Ned, stood a big oak table with a computer and many lose pages on top of it. Behind that desk sat a women, probably in her late thirties early forties, her black hair was pulled back in a low ponytail and on her nose sat a pair of round glasses. As Ned had been scanning her and her room she had done the same with him.
“You must be Edward Leeds. Come on and have a seat on the sofa or one of the chairs, whatever you prefer.”
Ned had smiled politely at her and had taken a seat on the sofa since it looked more inviting than the chairs, at least to Ned. Mrs Xeng had sat down on one of the chairs opposite the sofa and was now pouring them both a glass of water.
Once that was done she pushed her glasses up a bit, smiled encouragingly and had told him to start talking about whatever he needed to talk about whenever he felt ready, there was no need to hurry.
And so, after some time, once Ned had gathered his thoughts, he began talking. And once he had started he couldn't seem to stop, there was just so much that wanted to get out, that needed to be said and he didn't hold back.

“So you know, I have been dead for five years and then we all came back and for me there were no five years that had passed, it was like... Like I blinked and once I opened my eyes again the whole world had changed, which it had because it had been five years and not just a second. And my parents were both alive for those five years, they had to live for five years thinking I was dead and then suddenly I am back just the way I was before and I don't know how they can be so cool about all of this. Of course they are more clingy than they were before but I can't fault them for that, I actually understand it, like yeah, I have been dead for five years and they had to live with that so of course they will be clingy and I don't mind it... It is just... It is hard finding back into all of this, to find a place I belong in this different future, I had trouble finding a place I fit in before all of this so how could I possibly find one now? And I thought that at least Peter would be with me, together we would have managed it... I was so happy that he had also died, which makes me sound like and ass and I know that but I was just glad that I didn't have to lose my best friend and now I just wish that he hadn't died five years ago... I would wish that he hadn't died to save the universe but that is unrealistic. There is no universe in which Peter wouldn't have done what he did so I just wish that he could have had those extra five years to live. He had one week to be alive, one week and that isn't nearly enough time at all. And I am just... I am furious and sad and terrified because... Because Peter was my best friend and we did almost everything together. The classes we had together we sat next to one another, no question about that, at lunch it was always us and then later on MJ but Peter was a constant fixture. No matter what was going on, he was there, he was the best friend I could have asked for and now he is gone. Just gone. Gone, as in he will never be alive again, he will never see the sun again, never breath again, never laugh again, never be Spider-Man again. He is gone. You would think that I would have been prepared for this to happen eventually, after all I knew that he was Spider-Man long before any of this even happened. I knew that he could die every time he went out as Spider-Man, I knew that it was possible for a criminal to get the drop on him, he was new to the whole thing, after all, and enhancements only go so far. But he always survived and even if things didn't look all that good for him he managed to get back up... He always got back up. No matter how bad it was, he got back up again and again and again. He would say that he had practice with that, getting up no matter what and if you know his past then you would be inclined to agree with him, he had practice. He got back up after his parents died, after his Uncle Ben died and finally after his Aunt May died... The universe threw one catastrophe after another at him and he used those to his advantage. He may not have known it back then but all of those catastrophes helped him to be prepared for what was to come, what he would have to go through. He was just 16 and had to face so much heartache and hurt and yet he was still so good, so pure, in a way. He still believed in the goodness in people even though on every patrol he was confronted with everything but the goodness in people. It would have made everyone else bitter, but not Peter, it just made him even more hellbent on doing what he was doing. I wasn't with him in his last moments but I think I knew him good enough to know why he did what he did. He was Spider-Man, the friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man. He made a point out of helping the little guy, the people that couldn't help themselves and he was good at it, the people loved him, adored him. He was not like the Avengers, who only come if there is a world ending threat but he came out every night and saved people from muggings, robberies and all sorts of things. And, I think in the moment he had the power to stop Thanos and his army for good, he was thinking about all the people who would have to suffer yet again if he didn't succeed. And I am sure the Avengers though the same thing while fighting besides him but unlike him I doubt that they had faces in front of their eyes. All the people Peter had saved, he had seen their faces and he had a amazing memory so I think it is safe to say that he remembered the faces of all of them. All the people he had saved, he couldn't let them down now... I think that motivated him to do what he did... And... Why am I even telling you this? It wouldn't bring Peter back, nothing will bring him back and all I have are memories...”

Now that Ned stopped talking he realized that he had been crying and hastily wiped the tears from his face, then he looked at Mrs Xeng who was studying him with an unreadable expression on her face.
Normally this would make Ned rather uncomfortable but for some reason it didn't, at least not this time around.

After another minute of silently studying one another Mrs Xeng stood up, went to her desk, opened a drawer and, after some searching, pulled out a stack of papers with which she returned to the chair she had been sitting on.
She then started flicking through them and while she was doing that Ned could make out the names of some of his classmates on some of the papers, like Cindy Moon. After some more flicking she stopped and looked at whatever paper she had been looking for, then she looked at Ned, a competitive look on her face, clearly thinking if her next move would be a good one or not.
After having made a decision, she took a deep breath and looked at Ned and then began speaking.
“You are still trying to come to terms with Peter's death and I can and will tell you that I will take you quite some time to do so. It wouldn't be linear, some days you will be doing better and some days you will break down, there is no way around it, that is the way to recovery. I can try to help you with that but I can't take your burden. You will have good days and you will have bad days, that is the only thing I can say for certain. What I am about to give you was written and submitted by Peter Parker-Stark. This has been submitted after Peter had died. I was very confused once I had received it why he had written and then sent this to me. I didn't know how he knew my email or why he had written what he had written. Then I saw the whole video, like everyone else did and suddenly things were making more sense. I still don't know how he knew my email but I have decided to not question it. Anyway, you don't have to read this now or anytime in the near future but I would strongly advise you to read it, one day. I am pretty sure it will help you cope. Read it whenever you feel like you are ready, be it in a month, tomorrow or in 2 years, when you are ready, read it.”

And with that she handed him the papers.

They weren't that many pages and yet they felt heavy in Ned's hands.

And in that moment Ned knew, that right now he wasn't ready to read it yet and so them in his backpack.

After that first appointment with Mrs Xeng Ned came regularly to see her and it helped.
Slowly but surely he was doing better, of course there were good and bad days, just like Mrs Xeng had said there would be but he realized that he was doing better. The bad days weren't as frequent as they used to be and the good days were more and more frequent.
He still missed Peter terribly and that would never change but he was doing better.

He still hadn't read whatever Peter had written and then sent Mrs Xeng.

But the appointments with Mrs Xeng helped him and during his last one Mrs Xeng told him that her doors were always open for him, should he ever need her.

It was a day like any other, or so one could think.
For most students it was one of the last days of their summer vacations and they were enjoying every last bit of it while they still could and Ned was no exception to it.
He had gotten up a little before noon and was now sitting at his desk, trying, and failing, to bring order to the chaos that had taken residence on his desk. He knew however that he would need an organized space as soon as school started up again and so he was working on that now.

He was sorting through the last stack of papers, seeing what he could still use and what belonged in the trash when he suddenly stopped dead in his tracks, frozen in his actions.
In his hands he held the papers Peter had sent Mrs Xeng about a year ago who then had given them to Ned to read whenever he was ready.

He still hadn't read them.

He had never forgotten them and had tried to read them but every single time he had tried to read them he had found that he was unable to do so. He couldn't read them, he just couldn't.
And so he had thrown them on is desk during the last weeks of school and not thought of them again even though in his mind he knew that he had to read them and that it would be good for him to read them.
And now he was holding them in his hands and suddenly he couldn't breath.

He couldn't breath.

He couldn't breath.

He couldn't breath.

He couldn't breath.

He couldn't breath.

He couldn't breath.

He couldn't breath because that was the last thing he would ever get from Peter and what if Peter had written that he regretted becoming Ned's friend? What if Peter had wished that he had never helped Ned all those years ago, what if Ned had not been the best best friend he could have been?

Rationally Ned knew that Peter would never do something like that, that would not be Peter, it would go against everything Peter stood for and yet he couldn't shake the thoughts.
He couldn't get rid of them and he knew that there was only one way to get rid of them once and for all... He had to read what Peter had written, had to face his fears.

On shaky legs he made his way to his bed where he sat down, the pages in his hands.
Closing is eyes, he took some deep breaths and forced his hands to stop shaking.

Once his hands had stopped shaking and his heart beat normally again he opened his eyes again and focused on the words Peter had written.

“Death. I am used to death, not like I had any other choice but to be used to death, considering that I seem to be followed by it. My parents, Uncle Ben, Aunt May and for a time even me. But knowing that you are not meant to be lasting forever certainly has its perks. You realize that some things just don't matter in the long run. They might seem world ending in that particular moment but they aren't, not in the long run, even though it doesn't seem like it in that moment... And I am getting of topic, it seems like I can't stop rambling while writing, whenever words are involved I am just a rambling mess. Not that that is all that bad but it takes up time and space that could be filed with something far more important because I didn't only want to talk about death, though I will be returning to that topic at the end, or sometime else.
For you see if you are reading this then I am dead. Gone for good this time around, I am afraid.
I have made my peace with my death some time ago but you probably haven't done so.
Ever since I became Spider-Man, I have been well aware of the fact that I might die every time I went out on patrol but I did it anyway because well... With great power comes great responsibility.
I don't know how I died or even when but I do know that I did die if you are reading this. I have written this almost a week after the Avengers brought everyone that had been snapped back and even though everything seems to be fine so far I can't shake the feeling that shit is going to hit the fen and I just want to make sure that, in case of my death, there will be something left behind for the people close to me.
So, you might not have made your peace with my death but maybe knowing that I have made my peace with my death helps somehow.
I liked my life the way it was. Besides just because you know it ends doesn't mean you can't enjoy it while it lasts.
On to another topic, hopefully a happier one.
Family. Family is not dictated by blood because if it were I would have no family left. Like at all. But family is not only consisting of the people you are related to.
Family are the people who have seen you at your worst, at your lowest and decided to stay with you, even though they didn't have to and it would have been understandable had they just walked away. Those people didn't have any obligation to stay with you and yet they did, they are family, maybe even more than the family you are related to by blood.
The first two people who did that were my Aunt May and my best friend Ned.
After Uncle Ben had been killed there had been the question where I would be staying, because Uncle Ben had been my last relative by blood (we never really were related by blood but nobody knew this at the time). Aunt May was my aunt because she had married Ben but with him out of the picture there was nothing that bound her to me and she decided to stay anyway. She decided to keep me, and once I asked her why she had just looked at me and said “Because we are family. I helped raise you, you are my nephew, no matter what.”
And then we cried.
Ned saw me at my worst, at my very lowest after my uncle had been killed and he stuck with me through it. He stayed with me in a time I am not even sure I would have stayed with myself. He was there for me through it all and that was the time Ned became family. Truly family.
The next person to become family was Mr Stark.
With him there wasn't a moment where I knew he was family, it just happened, slowly and steadily until one day I found myself thinking and referring to him as “Dad”. That was a month before Thanos showed up and it was a shook to my system because for all I can remember I can't recall the last time I called someone “Dad” before that moment. But once the shook wore of I realized that Mr Stark was a father figure to me and that it would be okay, because I had heard him referring to me as his kid when he talked to Rhodes and thought I couldn't hear him. But before we could talk about that Thanos happened and I died and then came back only to learn that May had died and that Mr Stark was my actual father and that I had a sister. So yeah, a lot of crazy shit happened, but it can't get even more crazier that this, now can it?
Anyway with Mr Stark many more people became a part of my family. Pepper Potts, James Rhodey Rhodes, Happy Hogan, and much later Morgan Stark, just to name a few.
You see family really is not dictated by who you are related to but by the people who stuck with you when they had no obligation to do so.
Family are people who love and accept you just the way you are and that is beautiful.
Now there really only is one thing left for me to say...
I know that I am dead but I have one last wish for you to fulfill for me and who knows maybe it will do you some good as well.
So please, forget the minute I lost my breath but remember all the times that I breathed. Forget the time I closed my eyes for the last time but rather, remember all the times I opened my eyes and saw the world. A sometimes cruel and cold world but at the same time a beautiful world with the potential to be better.
And lastly, forget the second my heart stopped working because you know that my heart will always live.
I hope you will have a wonderful life and live it with everything you have got.
And with that peace out,
Your friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man, aka Peter Parker-Stark.”

About halfway through Ned had started crying but after the reading Peter's last wish, his last request for him he had started crying like there was no tomorrow.
The tears just kept coming and coming and coming and there was no telling when they would stop so Ned just sat there and let it all out.

Once he was all cried out he almost instantly fell asleep, so exhausted from the whole ordeal that he didn't care how early it was, he was exhausted but he felt better than he had ever felt since Peter's death.

Maybe, had he not been so exhausted, he would have heard the voice saying “I will always be with you, you just wouldn't be able to see me.” and maybe he would have felt the hand resting on his shoulder and squeezing gently.
But he didn't realize any of this was happening and instead fell into a deep sleep.

This was the first deep sleep he had had in a long while and it was all because he knew that it would get better.
He would never be the way he had been before Peter had died and that was okay but he would be getting better.

He would never stop missing Peter, didn't think he could even if he wanted to, but that was just the way he wanted it to be.

Peter deserved to be remembered, even if remembering him hurt from time to time.

“He is getting better, isn't he?”

“He most certainly is.”

“Good, that is really good...”

“I believe the letter helped him quite a bit.”

“One could think so... I am just glad that he is getting better.”

“Let's hope the same can be said for the others as well.”

“They will get there, eventually.”

“Hopefully sooner rather than later.”

“Hopefully sooner rather than later...”

Chapter Text

MJ was doing better.

Saying that she was fine would be a stretch and not at all true but she was better now than she had been one and a half years ago.

One and a half years wasn't nearly enough time to properly grief someone and to be able to move on from them and MJ wondered if there was ever going to be a time where she wouldn't grief Spider-Man, the hero of the universe, the person she had known as just Peter Parker, a dork in every possible way.
But he had been her dork, at least in a way.

She hadn't been friends with him for as long as Ned but they had just clicked and she had never felt as though he thought that Ned's and his friendship was in any way more or better than their friendship.
They had been friends and even though she had called him “Loser” on more than one occasion she knew that he understood her and how she had meant it. That had been her nickname for him even though he was anything but a “Loser”.
He had never, in his whole life, been a loser, even before the spider bite and all that followed it, he had never been a loser.
MJ had the feeling that he could never have been a loser, no matter what, he just didn't have it in him but she would never tell him that... She couldn't tell him that, he was dead and yet she hoped that he knew it. That somehow he knew it even though she had never told him.

The first time she had met Peter Parker wasn't actually in school. It had been a little weird as far as first meetings went and had set the tone for their whole friendship, which had been nothing short of strange.
But looking back on it now, she knew that she wouldn't change one single thing about that first meeting because while it might have been weird it had been just right for them.

It was a nice and sunny day outside, one of the last ones considering that summer was almost over and thus school would begin again pretty soon.
MJ usually wasn't a nervous person at all, quite the opposite actually but she was starting at a new school, where she didn't know anyone and thus would have no friends and not even that made her nervous, not really.
What made her nervous, and quite sickeningly so,was the fact that nobody knew her and the way she was. She knew that she wasn't an easy character to be around and had been told so on multiple occasions, but at her old school she still had had friends because they had known her their whole life and apparently had found something about her that had wanted them to keep her around. And she had liked it, had liked the way things had been and if it were up to her nothing would have had to change.
Things were just fine the way they were.

But like all things in life, it had to come to an end, just earlier than what she would have anticipated.
One day her parents had called her down from her room where she had been doing some research and had told her that they had something important to discuss with her.
At that point she had known that whatever followed would not be to her liking and low and behold she had been right.
They had started off by saying that her father had been offered a promotion at his job and then they had begun to list all the pros as to why that was a good thing and had she not known before that she would not like the news, she most definitely would have known it then and there.
Whenever her parents started out by telling her some big news and then, without so much as a second for her to process what she had just been told, began listing of all the pros that would have for her she knew that she wouldn't end up liking the but that followed.
And sure enough, once all the pros had been thrown out in the open, her parents had looked at her a little sheepishly and had then told her, that the whole family would have to move to New York City so that her father could follow through with the promotion.
She had been numb, not knowing how to process that certain piece of information.
Her parents had given her some time alone, knowing that she needed it in that moment like she needed the air to breath.
In the end it hadn't really been a question weather or not they would move.
The promotion her father had received was a once in a lifetime offer and they would have been idiots to not follow through with it.

And that was how she had ended up here, far away from everything and everyone she knew and alone.
Of course she had her parents but that was just not the same as having her friends with her and she was already starting to miss them though she would never admit that out loud.

Deciding to use her last few days of freedom she went out, in hopes of getting to know the city a little better, though it was unlikely that she would get to know the whole city just by spending one day in it but it was better than nothing and one had to start somewhere.
Just as she had been closing the door behind her she had decided that she would be taking her book with her, who knew maybe she would find a nice place somewhere she could read a little.
With her book in her back she was out of the door and on her way of getting to know New York City a little better.

A few hours later, MJ was pretty sure that while New York was a nice city it just was not for her. She had never cared about having man different clothing stores near her, or getting a Starbucks at every corner, or whatever else a teenage girl could want, as long as there was a decent enough bookstore with good books to buy, she was happy and didn't really need much more. Of course, New York had nice bookstores, it was bound to have them, New York was a big city, after all, but she had not yet found one that was just right for her.

Other than that she had found a nice, small coffee shop not to far from her apartment which served amazing coffee.

Considering her coffee-to-go cup was still half full and she wasn't feeling all that tired out just yet, she decided to check out a small park that was near where she lived and had looked quite nice, at least while she had looked it up online.
And even if it wasn't as nice as the internet had described it, she had an amazing coffee and a good book to continue reading and those two things could make even the worst place at least acceptable.

She knew that the way to the park wasn't a long one and yet it seemed to her as though she had been walking forever, when in fact it most likely had only been something between 5 to 10 minutes.

Once she entered the park it was as if New York fell away behind her, like it ceased to exist... It was beautiful, submerging into the quite, with no city noises and a good book.

With a small smile tugging her lips upwards, MJ found a bench, away from everything else, with just enough sunlight to make it comfortable but not become hot after some time.

MJ hadn't known it at the time but that place would turn out to be her sanctuary in the city. Whenever she would need to unwind or just relax, she would always end up on that bench, sometimes with a coffee from the nice coffee shop, sometimes without one but the important part was that she would end up there and that nobody would disturb her there, considering it was so out of the way and one could only see the pathway that lead to this bench if one was actively looking for it, which she doubted anyone did.

She had been wrong, because like so many other times, Peter Parker liked to do the things that nobody expected him to do and surprise everyone.

And so it happened that, after MJ had spent one hour in blissful silence, reading her book and getting submerged in the story, a boy came walking down the pathway that lead to the bench and the little grass patch around around it, it all being framed by rather big trees.

MJ watched the boy, who had yet to realize that he wasn't alone though MJ used that time to get a good look of him and to try and understand him at least on a very basic level.

He wasn't all that tall, probably shorter than herself and was wearing a rather big t-shirt that hung off of his frame rather loosely. He had a backpack on his shoulders and seemed to be carrying some notebooks in his arms. It was a wounder that he was able to hold all of those notebooks and not have them topple onto the floor but MJ figured that every now and then there had to be some miracles in the world.

She had not known back then that she had been looking at one of the best miracles the whole universe had had to offer but she had learned that.

The boy had nice, brown, curly hair on top of the face of a teenager who was starting to become a man, a rather awkward process for anyone involved, that is not to say that the process of a young girl becoming a young woman was not awkward for anyone and everyone involved, because it was, but it was awkward in a different way.

Just as MJ had finished that thought and was about to return her full attention to the boy she realized that the boy had now spotted her as well and was looking at her in the way teenagers look at one another if they don't know the other person.

Subcoming to the awkward teenager inside herself, something she doesn't do all that often, she slowly raised her right hand and waved at him.

Looking a little taken aback the teenager waved back and if MJ's eyes had not betrayed her he must have been blushing slightly while waving back at her.

Once his hand was back down by his side, he smiled at her and then proceeded to walk onto the grass in front of her bench and a little away further away where he then just dropped his backpack and flopped down next to it, his notebooks still held securely in his arms.

He then carefully placed the notebooks on the ground next to his backpack before he started digging through said backpack just to pull out some books.

After having watched the boy some more and having determined that he must be here to study, MJ turned her attention back to her book and got lost in its pages again.

As it was getting colder, MJ decided that she had been out log enough and would be heading back now. As she was putting her book back in her backpack she realized that the boy must have had the same thought she had had because he was getting ready to leave as well.

They both started walking at the same moment and so it was no real surprise that they ended up walking next to one another on the small pathway.

The first few minutes they were walking in a somewhat comfortable, though slightly awkward silence and MJ would have probably been just fine and dandy with that but the boy had other plans.

“Hey, I am Peter Parker.”

Confused, MJ looked over at the boy and sure enough he was looking at her with a grin tugging the corners of his lips upward.

He had a nice grin MJ decided then and there. It made him look nice and like a person you wanted to tell your deepest and darkest secrets, like a person you wanted to confide into, without even knowing him. That grin made you feel comfortable and somehow at ease, like you have been wandering for the longest time, searching and now you have returned home.

MJ liked his grin.

“Hey Peter, I am MJ.”

She didn't know why she had told him her name was MJ, her friends back home had to work rather hard to earn the privilege to call her “MJ” and yet with him, having him call her anything but MJ would feel not right, downright wrong.

And that was how their friendship had begun.

They had talked about anything and everything and somehow the topic school had come up where MJ learned that he was attending the same school she would be going to.

She hadn't realized until then how nervous she had been about her new school and not knowing anyone at all.

Knowing that Peter was attending the same school soothed her, in a way.
She knew someone, a very nice person at that and would not be totally alone on her first day.

From what Peter had told her, he wasn't all that popular which was alright with her, she actually preferred not having popular friends and he and his best friend Ned were huge nerds, even at a school for nerds.

If Ned was as nice as Peter, which she thought he must be because Peter didn't strike her as the type to have mean friends, then she might even end up liking it here.

Maybe, she thought, as she was laying in her bed later that same day, already half asleep, having moved to New York wouldn't be that bad after all.

Every time she thought about how they had met the very first time she just had to smile.
It had been awkward and weird but at the same time had also been kind of nice, plus it had also just sort of fit them and set the tone for their friendship, which had been, at least at the beginning, kind of awkward and weird but they had grown out of that phase rather quickly.
Of course hers and Peter's friendship was different than the friendship between Peter and Ned but that was to be expected and it was fine the way things were.

With Peter and Ned, which she had met her first day at the school and also kind of liked, by her side school had been fine.
They had had a lot of fun, usually in their decathlon practices and competitions.
Sitting at lunch with them had also been fun, she never said much, preferring to listen to those two Nerds and all the topics they loved to talk about. From the Star Wars saga to the newest technological invention, she had heard them talking about everything. Sometimes she found it hard to believe that those two dorks were both highly intelligent and could and would one day change the world for the better, they would both make a difference in the world... Or Peter certainly would, she wasn't so sure about Ned though. She knew that Ned could make a difference but she never got the feeling that he was meant for something bigger, meant to make a difference in the world and be remembered for it, like she got about Peter. She knew for sure that Peter would make a difference, that one day everyone would know the name Peter Benjamin Parker.

And now the people knew his name, people all over the world, throughout the whole universe, everyone knew his name and if they spoke his name they did so with the utmost respect and care.

She had known that Peter was meant for something huge but she had never thought that he might die.

That though had never even crossed her mind and why should it have?

She had though he would make some great scientific breakthrough and blow everyone away with that.

In the end he had blown everyone away with what he had done but for a different reason entirely.

It was about a week after having been brought back to live, which was still boggling everyone's minds and MJ had a feeling that nobody would ever get used to that, could ever get used to having died and then been resurrected, in a way.

She had come back, like all the other students who had been snapped, on their field trip to MoMA, exactly in the spot she had stood in as she had been dusted, right next to Ned, who had been worried sick about Peter back then and came back worrying about his best friend.
Worrying about Peter Parker and thus Spider-Man was really an all-time job and MJ was happy that Ned was doing enough worrying for the both of them so that she might ignore her worries, which she very much had, and concentrate on doing something useful, like figuring out what exactly had happened and where everyone else was.
She had to worry about Peter later because if she did that now, she wouldn't be able to stop and right now she needed to figure out what was going on.

The other students, who had returned with her, were just as confused as she had been and so had not been of any help at all.
They had looked for Mr Harrington but had not found him and decided to approach an employee to ask them for help. As far as they knew, only a matter of maybe a minute had passed and yet everything was different.
Their teacher wasn't with them, a lot of their classmates were missing as well and everything seemed to be run down.
It was as though something terrible had happened and torn everyone apart.
They hadn't know back then that something terrible had, indeed, happened and torn everyone apart.

Because nobody knew what was going on, MJ decided to call her parents.
It was a far-fetched idea, she had no clue if her parents would know what was going on but it was her only resort right then and there and it was better than what they ha been doing up until then.

As she was starting to pull out her cellphone to call her parents it had started ringing, the cellphones of her classmates following close behind.

Like everyone else, MJ accepted the call and brought the phone to her ear. A second to late she realized that she hadn't registered the caller ID and thus had no idea who she would be talking to.

“Hello?”

For a few seconds there was no answer and just as she was about to repeat herself and ask who this was, she heard a choked up voice, trembling and full of tears answering her.

“Michelle... Michelle is that really you? Are you really back?”

It had been her mother and in the background MJ had been able to hear her father sobbing quietly.

“Yes, it's me. Who else would you be talking to? You called my cellphone.”

At that her mother dissolved into a sobbing mess, choking out “It's her, it really is her... She is back, oh God she is really back. We have our baby girl back. Oh God, she is back, she is back, she is back.” And then she was only sobbing.

MJ didn't know what to do and so she just waited and sure enough after some time, she heard rustling coming from the side of her parents and then she was talking to her father.

“Michelle, baby, we need to know where you are.”

“The field trip to MoMA, or more specifically we are in MoMA... Dad, what is going on? One second we are all here and now there are students missing, Mr Harrington is nowhere to be found, you and Mom are crying like you just got the best news of your entire life and I just don't know what is going on...”

“Michelle, stay where you are, don't move. Stay where you are, your Mom and I are on our way to you right now and once we have you secure in our arms we will tell you what had happened. Just stay put, you Mom and I are coming.”

“Okay, then I'll see you soon.”

She was about to hang up when the panicked voice of her father stopped her. She had never heard him this panicked and on edge.

“NO, Michelle. Don't hang up on us. Don't hang up on us. Stay on the phone, we are on our way to you... Just stay on the phone until we get to you.”

He had always been a controlled character, with a tight grip on his emotions.
His emotions never got the better out of him and yet here he was, sounding as panicked as she had ever heard him.

Just that told her that whatever had happened must have been absolutely terrifying.

“Okay, I will stay on the pone with you until you get here.”

And she had stayed on the phone wit them.
The whole time it had taken them to get to her, she had been on the phone with them.

And then they were there, they came rushing in, eyes fanatically scanning everyone else until they found her and then they ran towards her like they would die if they didn't reach her within the next 30 seconds.
MJ was looking at them as well and the nearer they came the more she saw how they had changed.

She had left her parents looking a little younger than they actually were and now there they were, looking much older.
They had demons in their eyes, there was no other way to describe it. They looked haunted, worn down, like something had happened that had torn their world apart.

She hadn't known it back then, but she had been dead for five years and that had torn their world apart. Her death...

Her mother had reached her first and grabbed her face with both her hands. Enclosed it with them and just looked her in the eyes.

“You are back, you really are back.”

And after she had said those words, she hugged her. She just hugged her, held onto her as tightly as humanly possible. MJ had still been confused but had hugged her mother back non the less.
Her father had joined them shortly after and, much like her mother, was sobbing like there was no tomorrow.

Everything after that was more or less a blur. So many different things were happening all at the same time and it was just a lot to take in. Especially with MJ's whole body feeling as weird as it did. It was like it belonged to her but she didn't quite know what to do with it. Like she had to get used to it first, before anything else made sense.
She had been feeling like that ever since she had 'come to' again but she couldn't have done anything about it because she had not felt entirely safe but now with her parents she had felt safe and so decided to deal with whatever it was that was going on.
And thus everything had become kind of blurry because she had been focused on the emotions her body was sending her and not at all on her surroundings.

The next thing she remembered with clarity was being in their apartment, sitting on the sofa with a blanket wrapped securely and comforting around her, her parents to either side of her, just holding her in their arms while tears were still running down their faces and then fell down.

They just held her and she let herself be held by them.
For whatever reason she was feeling raw, like an exposed nerve and she didn't understand why she was feeling that way.
She just knew that she was feeling that way and that she would have to wait the feeling out and what better place to do that than in the arms of her parents.

Once everything had calmed down and she didn't feel raw anymore she sat up straighter and asked her parents what had happened, because it had been clear that something must have happened.
Her parents had exchanged a look, full of emotions and heartache before her father had taken a deep breath and started talking.
He had explained everything to her, how, five years ago, 50% of all life had been killed, turned to dust by a mad titan who called himself Thanos. The Avengers and some other exceptional people had fought him but to no avail. He had won and then killed of half of every living being across the universe. Nobody knew how he had managed to kill 50% of all life, seeing as the Avengers had never addressed that particular mystery and the rest of the world figured that the didn't want to know if it made even the Avengers uncomfortable. Her Parents had seen other people turn to dust, colleges they had known for quite some time had disintegrated right in front of their eyes. Nobody knew what had happened, they all only had questions but no answers. Her parents had tried calling her, they had done everything in their power and beyond to get to know what had happened to her if she had been dusted or not. While they still had been holding onto hope that her cellphone had just died and that was the reason why she didn't pick up their calls or called them herself they both had known, deep down, that she would have found a way to contact them, had she still been alive.
And then they were told that she had indeed been one of the dusted and it had broken them.
They didn't tell her how the last five years had been for them and selfishly MJ was thankful for that. She wasn't sure if she could handle them telling her what her death had done to them.
They told her how people had just randomly started to reappear out of nowhere and how that had gotten them thinking that she might be alive as well. She knew what had happened after that.

It was all a lot to take in, being told that she had been dead for five years, that five years had passed without her and yet to her, it was like she had just blinked and everything was different.
It was maddening just thinking about it so she let it be for now and was just happy to be in her parents arms.

The next day everything had gone crazy once again but for a different reason than five years ago.
Back than everything had gone crazy because 50 % of every living being had been killed, now everything was going crazy because those thought dead for the past five years were back again, very much alive and confused.

Every News station one turned on covered the same news, asked the same questions and had no answer to any of their questions.
Everyone was looking towards the Avengers, hoping they knew what was going on and that they might explain it to them.
Finally, there was some sort of answer though it was one not many people would have expected.
On the official Avengers Twitter account there was a short explanation of what had happened and why but the how and by who was never covered and MJ doubted it ever would be.
The short rundown of things was that those five years ago Thanos had used the most powerful weapon of the universe to accomplish what he had done. The following five years were rather bleak and hopeless but then out of nowhere they found a new hope and had an idea to righten the wrongs made by Thanos five years ago. They had not told anyone because they had not wanted to get anyones' hopes up too much, should their plan not work. It had worked however as one could clearly tell by the fact that all the people who have been dead for five years were back now.

It had all been a lot to take in and MJ knew that she wasn't the only one to feel that way.
Ned, Harley and Shuri felt exactly the same but for an unknown reason Peter didn't. He handled it the best of them all and it didn't make any sense to them. He had been dead, just like they had and yet it appeared as though he didn't have any trouble adjusting to a world that had continued on without him for five years.

MJ had decided to not press the matter any further, after all Peter had been through enough pain and heartache in his life, he didn't need any more of it.
He deserved peace.

Back then MJ had not known that Peter would find eternal peace rather soon.
Had she known, she would not have thought any differently but she would have told him what he had meant to her.
She would have told him all the things she had never dared to say to him for fear of rejection.
Looking back on her reasoning now, it seemed invalid, compared to what had all happened.
She should have just told him, he would have deserved to have known the truth. But he had died not knowing what he had meant to her...
The moment she had seen his video being shown on the news she had known that something bad must have happened.
And yet she had hoped to be wrong, she had never hoped for anything more in her life and she had a feeling she never would.

It had been one week since MJ had been back from the dead and she had caught up on quite a lot. She had been chatting and talking with her friends every day and she had been rather happy to learn that her friends had all been dusted as well. The second Peter had told them that he had been able to feel every atom of his body tearing itself to shreds, she had wanted to kill Thanos all over again. Peter had endured enough pain as it had been and yet Thanos had had to add to it. It was not right, someone as nice and kind as Peter should not have to go through all those hardships. And once she learned that May was dead and would remain so she had felt something inside her break. Not because she and May had been overly close but because she knew how much May had meant to Peter. She had practically raised him, he was her nephew in everything but blood. She wouldn't have had to take him in, they had not been related by blood but she had taken him in because they were the only family they had left in this world. So for Peter to return to a world only to find his aunt dead and to be told that Tony Stark was his father... He had lost a family and gained another but he could not have both.

The universe loved to mess with Peter Parker and fuck him over again and again.

She had not known how true her words would turn out to be in just a few short minutes.

She had been in her room, catching up on some of the things she had missed in the past five years when her parents had called her downstairs.
Usually she would have told them she would be with them in a minute but something told her to get downstairs now. Not really knowing where that sudden urge came from, she followed it and while walking down the stairs she realized that something must be wrong.
It was like the feeling one got if one knew that something was seriously amiss but one could not pinpoint what had caused that feeling, one just knew that it was there. The feeling became more and more intense the farther down she went.
Her parents had sounded shaken up, shocked to their core.
She had entered the living room where her parents were, both seated on their old but very comfortable sofa, starring at the TV with looks of shock, horror and understanding all at once on their faces.
MJ looked at the TV, not knowing what she was expecting to see exactly but a crying News woman was not it. The woman on TV had the same look of shock and horror on her face as her parents though on her face the understanding was missing completely. Tears were slowly leaking out of her eyes, running down her cheeks before falling to the ground.
MJ did not understand why or how she knew but in that moment, as her eyes zeroed in on the tear that was starting to fall to the ground, she just knew that Peter had died as Spider-Man and that now the whole world knew of his identity.
She knew it and that knowledge broke her.
She had turned towards her parents and the only thing she had been able to choke out had been a desperate “Please, no.” That had been all she had been able to say and she had said it over and over again. She had started whispering it instead of saying it out aloud as if whispering would make any difference.

She knew that Peter was dead and she knew that this time around nothing and nobody would be able to change that.

The small funeral, of sorts, that the Stark's held was beautiful and so very Peter she thought for just a second that Peter must have had a say in it but she dismissed the thought just as she had had it.
It was too painful to think he had known that he would not become very old at all and decided to prepare for his death by planing his own funeral. He had been 16 and with 16 you should not have to think about weather you will live until next week or not. Of course it had been his choice and she had supported him and thus it but whenever he had come back from patrol all beaten up and bloody she had often wished he would just stop and put himself first, just for once.

But Peter Parker would never put himself first if he knew that others needed his help.

And others always seemed to need his help.
In the end even the universe had needed him and he, being the amazing and kind person that he was, had helped without thinking about how it would affect him, that it could and would cost him his life.
He had always been selfless and in the end that character trait was the reason for his death.

MJ couldn't even be mad at him because his selflessness had been a big part of him and trying to just be mad at his selflessness felt like being mad at him and she couldn't be mad at him. She simply couldn't.

So she learned to deal with her emotions.
It took her some time and even some appointments with Mrs Xeng to come to terms with her feelings but in the end she had come to terms with them, even though they had terrified her at the beginning.

The first time she had shown up at Mrs Xeng's door was exactly a week after the funeral at the Stark cabin and she had just needed a shoulder to cry on. Normally she would have gone straight to Peter but now she couldn't go to him because he was dead. She hadn't wanted to worry her parents but she had also know that she had to talk to someone and thus she had ended up in front of Mrs Xeng's door.

MJ stood in front of the door and, before she could think twice about it and then change her mind, knocked before opening the door slightly. She knew from other students what Mrs Xeng's room looked like and over all just what to expect in general so she wasn't overly surprised to see Mrs Xeng sitting behind her desk, with several sheets strewn all over the surface of her table and her looking at them with desperation. As she had opened the door her head had shot up and her eyes had zeroed in on MJ, taking everything about her appearance in and there was a lot to take in, not in the sense of her clothing, she just wore a jeans and a t-shirt, but in the way she looked over all. MJ knew that she looked more dead than alive. Her eyes were in a constant state of puffy and red, with all the crying that was happening and if, by some miracle, her eyes were not as puffy as was usual one could see how dead and void of emotions they were.

“Can I come in?” she had asked, unsure if she was intruding on her downtime or if it was okay for her to come in.
“Of course, step right on in.” Mrs Xeng had told her, while getting up and moving towards the sofa and the two rather comfortable looking chairs.
She waited for MJ to take place on the sofa before she sat down in one of the two chairs, smiling kindly at MJ.

“How can I help you...” “MJ, I am MJ.” “Okay, so how can I help you MJ?”

MJ took a deep and shuddering breath, trying to sort her thoughts.
She knew that she had a lot to say and at the same time it felt like she had nothing at all to say. Like there was nothing she could say right in that moment because there was just to much to say.
She had too much to say and at the same time not enough.
But she had to start somewhere and so the words just started coming and once they did they didn't, couldn't be stopped, not even if she had wanted them to. They needed to be said and they were being said and there was nothing that could stop that from happening.
Words kept tumbling out of her mouth and that was okay.

“I knew that Peter was Spider-Man, I have known for some time, not for as long as Ned but long enough to know that any day he put on his suit and went out to help others there was a chance that he would not make it back home alive. I knew that, I fucking knew that. I knew that being Spider-Man could end up costing him his life. I knew that. And I also knew that he knew that, God knows we have talked about that often enough. We talked about it because I couldn't lose him and e couldn't stop being a hero. He just couldn't and I understood that. I understood why he couldn't just stop being Spider-Man. Being Spider-Man was a part of himself and he couldn't give that up.
I think the very first time he had put on his first Spider-Man suit he had been doomed to the life of a superhero. He was meant to be a superhero. I don't believe in callings and all that but being a hero was Peter's calling. He became a hero at an age where others don't even think about it, not even the other heroes we have...
And I know that Peter was happy with the way his life was, I know that he wouldn't want to change anything if he could. He had been happy with the way things were. He had found his place in this world, his true place, the place that was made for him and only him. And I was happy for him, I was happy that he had found his place, even though I knew it was a dangerous one but I had this irrational thought that he would be okay. I thought there was no way he would die, not anytime soon. And yet here I am because he was a fucking hero and had to die to give the universe a second chance! He had to die... At the and of the day, the hero has to die for all the others to live. I never really thought that to be true but now I see that it is true. Peter was that hero, he had to die to ensure our survival. He died and we are still here... I am still here but without him. Why am I still here when he isn't? I might be alive but I am not living. I can't live the way I used to knowing what it took to ensure that, my life for his... All our lives for his and that might be okay to the people who didn't know him but I did know him and it is not fair in the slightest. He, more than anyone, deserved to have a happy ending but he didn't get one...”

After that Mrs Xeng had been quite for some time. Just as MJ thought she would not get an answer Mrs Xeng had looked her in the eyes and had started speaking.
“If you can't live just for the sake of it at the time being, then live for Peter. He gave his life so that we can make the most of ours, that you can make the most of yours. Just try, take one day at a time and just try. Don't bottle your emotions up, let them out, it will help you to feel better.”

MJ had thought about what she had said and had asked, after some time “Can I make an appointment for another time? I think this might help me...”

“Of course, you can make as many appointments as you need. I am here to help you and other students deal with whatever it is you are going through during this time.”

MJ had made many appointments with Mrs Xeng and they helped.

She had always known that the progress of grieving someone wasn't linear, that there would be good and bad days but knowing something like that and experiencing it were two different things entirely.

Some days she was doing okay whereas on other days she had trouble getting out of bed let alone going through the whole day like nothing was wrong.

Chapter Text

The nightmare always starts the same way.
She was standing on the battlefield, fighting some sort of alien, hoping this whole thing would be over sooner rather than later.

At that point in time she had not cared how they would win, she had just wanted for their side to be victorious.
Unlike her brother and some others on the battlefield she didn't have any superpowers, apart from her brain, but that did not help her while fighting.
And so she just wished and hoped that one of the Avengers would find a way to end this all soon because she did not know how much longer she could fight.

And then Thanos had the Infinity Stones.

The whole battlefield stopped and just stared at him, waiting, dreading what would happen next because they knew what would happen, what awaited them.
Shuri looked at her brother who was looking right back at her, his mask off.

The fact that she knew what he wanted to tell her just by looking at his eyes told of how strong their connection was.

“We did what we could, we gave our all but sometimes we will fail none the less. Sometimes our all isn't enough... It will be okay. We will see Bapa again and all of our ancestors we never got to meet.”

And in that moment Shuri had given up. There was no happy ending in which they would defeat Thanos.

She turned her head back towards Thanos just in time to see him punch the glowing lady away from himself, using the Power Stone to do so.
And in that moment any hope she might still have had evaporated into nothing.
If the glowing lady who had destroyed an entire ship could do nothing against him now that he had the Stones, then there was no hope for anyone else to do something against his triumph.

And so she waited and watched as Thanos got ready to snap.
He prolonged the whole thing, moving just a fraction slower to make sure everyone knew what was about to happen.
He enjoyed making them wait for their end.
And as he was finally about to snap a red, blue and golden blur came out of nowhere and crashed into him, holding desperately onto his gloved hand.
Shuri just watched and once again found herself in awe of Peter Parker.

Even though everyone else had already given up and had been ready to accept their fate, Peter Parker was not.
It did not matter that he was all alone and that his attempt was only delaying the inevitable, he was still trying, was still giving it his all and in that moment Shuri finally understood, or began to understand, why it was that people called him the amazing Spider-Man.
She had never understood where the amazing Spider-Man had come from, not even after she had met Peter Parker in person. Peter Parker was one of her best friends and if someone wanted to call him amazing she would be one of the first people to support it, but the second Peter Parker put on his Spider-Man mask, he became someone else.
Not in a bad way, not even close, but he was just different.
As Peter Parker he was different than when he put on the red and blue suit.
Peter Parker was, and she said that with love, a nerd through and through. He was shy and insecure, not confident in almost anything he did even though he had one of the most brilliant minds Shuri had ever come across. But unlike his fellow geniuses he did not walk through life as though he was untouchable, as though he was the reason the world was still turning around its axis. No, he walked through life like Peter Parker, there was no one to compare it to because she had never seen someone walk through life quite the same way Peter Parker did. He walked through life with the knowledge that every steep he took could very well be his last one and thus he made every steep with an intention. Every single steep he ever made had an intention behind it, whether he had known it or not.
That was the only thing Spider-Man and Peter Parker had in common.
Everything Spider-Man did was with the intention to save a life, every fight he fought, every time he went out, every time he jumped head first into danger, it was all so that someone else would have the opportunity to life and grow old. Spider-Man was cocky, sure of himself and insecure was not a word anyone would associate with him, ever. Spider-Man was not insecure, had never even been insecure, not even at the very beginning. He had had no experience at all and yet he had been so sure of what he was doing, it had been amazing.
He had taken to saving lives like a duck to water and he had never once faltered.

Shuri knew that Peter Parker as well as Spider-Man moved with purpose and yet she could not understand why he had thought attacking Thanos would change anything. The glowing lady had had no chance against him, now that he had all the stones she could not fathom why Peter thought he could do anything.
It was time for them to accept defeat.

Tearing her eyes away form the heartbreaking sight of Spider-Man trying to beat Thanos all on his own, she looked at all the other heroes on the battlefield.
The fighting had stopped the second Thanos had gotten the Stones and now they were all waiting for their final end.
They watched Spider-Man holding onto the gauntlet and then they watched Thanos throw him off.
They watched Spider-Man flying through the air, landing on the ground and coming to a stop a few meters away from Thanos, laying on his side, breathing heavily.

Thanos sneered at Spider-Man, though Shuri could have sworn that there was something akin to respect in his eyes before he turned away and faced the rest of the heroes again.

He raised his right hand with the gauntlet and the stones and in that moment Shuri knew that it was the end.
It was their end but maybe it could also be the beginning for a whole new universe.
After all, one thing had to end for another thing to come.
And so she prepared for her death.
She closed her eyes and thought about all the things she would not get to experience...
She felt regret for every single one of them.

She opened her eyes just in time to see Thanos slightly smirk as he said “I am inevitable.”

And then he snapped and she stared straight ahead, not wanting to look at her bother or anyone else. She did not want to see anymore people turning to dust than she already had and so she just stared straight ahead at Thanos himself thinking that he would not turn to dust.

But something must not have been right because Shuri was still whole, for lack of a better description.
She had not yet started crumbling and a quick look around told her that everyone else was still standing around, looking as clueless as she felt.

Maybe Thanos had made a slight mistake in using the Stones? Maybe this time around they will not have a quick and peaceful death but a long and painful one?
Those were Shuri's thoughts as she looked back at Thanos, afraid of what facial expression she might find on his face.

But instead of triumph, hatred, or anything similar she only found plain shook and fear written all over his face while staring at his gauntlet, where the Stones should be.
Should, because where they were supposed to be was nothing but emptiness.

Instantly her mind flashed back to the last few seconds of Peter and Thanos fighting, what she had thought to have been a useless attempt at stopping Thanos might not have been useless after all.

Peter had not fought Thanos with everything he had which he would have done had he been inclined to beat him then and there.

Shuri had never seen Peter Parker give it his all, not holding back anything but she knew the day they would see him give his everything would be the day the world would seem to stop turning, for just a few seconds.
Spider-Man had always held back, had never used all the power he had had at his disposal and knowing what he could do while holding back... Shuri could not imagine what he could do if he just stopped holding back and gave it his all and that was slightly terrifying.

She wished she still did not know what Peter Parker was capable of doing should he stop holding back...

No, Peter had always had a different plan.
He had never wanted to beat Thanos with his last and final attack because that would still have left an entire army to fight. His plan had been another and the second Shuri realized the exact plan she wished she had not.

Terrified of what she would see, she let her eyes wander to the place Thanos had thrown Peter, hoping, praying that she would not see what she feared she would see but she knew deep down that all the hoping and praying was useless because Peter was Spider-Man and Spider-Man was Peter.
There was no further explanation.

And just as she had expected it, there he was, kneeling on the ground his right arm in the air, showing the last Infinity Stone falling in place.
In a distant part of her mind, Shuri found herself admiring the almost electricity-like lights crawling up Peter's right arm, emitting from the Infinity Stones themselves. Nobody on the battlefield had known just then that, at that exact moment, they were witnessing a sacrifice that would “haunt” humanity far longer than any of them could ever live. They were watching one of the most crucial points in humanity's history, for that moment on that battlefield against Thanos defied everything that could possibly be and yet it was. What was unfolding right in front of their eyes was never supposed to happen and yet it was happening.

Most of them were unaware of this monumental occurrence and would remain so for the rest of their lives, but all of them felt the importance of that moment and that feeling would never quite leave them even though most of them did not know why that was and most likely never would.

They did not know just then, that they were watching a hero grow into his full potential and far beyond it.

Shuri just knew that she was witnessing the final moments of one of her best friends, Peter Parker and she wanted to rage at the world.
Peter had never had an easy life, filled with so much loss and grief and heartache that it was astonishing that he was not a bitter and cynical person.

Shuri knew that now, as it always was when she had this particular nightmare, things would drastically differ from what had actually happened.
She knew it, she knew the following events to not be true and yet...

Peter's snap was something that had never happened in her nightmare and this time around was not different.

Now, Peter was leaning against the piece of rubble, both of his eyes wide open, never mind that his right eye was staring straight ahead, having taken to much damage from the Infinity Stones.
His last seeing eye found her and he opened his mouth to speak words that would tear Shuri apart from the inside out, even though by now she knew by heart what he would say.

“Why did you not save me?”

The logical part of Shuri knew that there had been no hope to save Peter Parker after he had used the Infinity Stones. Just like everyone else who had seen the damage done to him, she knew that. She knew that, she knew that, she knew that and yet the emotional part of her could not help but to wonder what could have been had she tried. What if she could have saved his life...

Peter Parker died, with those words on his lips, eye fixed solely on her, just as he always did.
And then those words echoed from all around her, becoming louder and louder with every passing second until every other sound had been drowned out by those words.

“WHY DID YOU NOT SAVE ME? WHY DID YOU NOT SAVE ME? WHY DID YOU NOT SAVE ME?”

Shuri fell to her knees, her hands covering her ears in a desperate attempt to silence those words, even though she knew it not to work... It never did.

And why should it work? She hadn't been able to save him, he was dead and it was her fault. She had frozen, like all the others, she hadn't done anything, hadn't even tried to save him, had just watched him saving them all and in doing so throwing away his own life. If only she had done something, anything maybe then...

With a gasp Shuri woke up and for a second, just for a second, she thought everything had been a dream, that Peter was still alive and that she could contact him with her cell phone, as they had done so many times before. She thought, just for a second, how grateful she was for the fact that what she had just experienced, had only been a dream and not reality and how bright their future was with Peter in it.
And then reality hit and reality had a strong right hook.

It felt as though everything came flooding back all at once, without even granting her a moment to come to terms with everything. She knew that everything that was coming back to her was, in theory, nothing new to her, she had lived with that knowledge for 912.5 days so it really should not be such a shook to her and yet it happened every once in a while, that she forgot Peter was dead right after waking up, usually from a nightmare and even though she should be used to that by now it had not gotten any easier and she knew that she would most likely never get used to it.

Every time she woke up and thought that Peter was still alive she felt so relived only for her to then realize that he was, in fact, very much dead. Every time that happened it was as though he had died a second time all over again.

She knew that she could not get back to sleep, not after a dream like this one and so she didn't even try. She got up and, after a quick look at her bedside clock, decided that she would go and get some fresh air.

And so it happened, that at 3:33AM the princess of Wakanda could be seen leaving the palace and the city all together. She just needed space and while she loved her city, at times like this it did not offer the space she needed and so she headed out to the surrounding fields, the same fields she would visit after her father's death, once things had been resolved and she just needed a minute.
That had helped then so hopefully it also would now.

Looking up at the stars and the moon she felt the sudden need to talk and so she did just that.

“Hey Pete, it has now been exactly 2 years since you passed... It's crazy, how fast time passes, isn't it? It doesn't really feel like two years, though. I know it has been two years, I know that but just because I know that doesn't mean that it has to feel like it is true... It's funny, sometimes I wake up and I am so sure that you are still alive, that all of what happened was just a very bad dream and then I remember that it really happened and I could scream at the universe for talking your life before you even really had the chance to live it. I hate it, hate how unfair it all is, I want to hate the universe, but how could I hate the universe knowing that you died to give this universe another chance? How could I hate something you died protecting?”

Shuri had thought about that predicament a lot and had come to the conclusion that she could not hate the universe but oh, how she wished she could.
For a while she just stood there before she continued talking.

“Why did you have to do it? Why did it have to be you to do it? Someone else could have done it, anyone else really. There had been so many superheroes and yet you, out of everyone there, did what needed to be done. I just don't understand why nobody else had thought of it before you had the idea. I don't understand why... I didn't have the idea. It never once had crossed my mind and yet I am sure you always had the idea in the back of your mind and only acted on it once it was evident that otherwise we would lose. We still lost, just in a different way... What were you thinking about before you snapped? Did you think of anything at all, other than beating Thanos? I know with that brain of yours, there must have been at least a million thoughts going on in there, but I guess I will never know for sure. I do know, that your death was not really peaceful though, but I guess the second you became Spider-Man you never expected to die a peaceful and painless death, laying in a bed, surrounded by your family and maybe close friends after having lived a long and fulfilling life. That is very rarely in the cards for those individuals who have become superheroes because most will die in their suit, just like you did. I really hoped you would get to live a little longer, but deep down I knew that you would most likely die young and that you knew that too. I hope you don't regret the decision you made on that battlefield and I hope that you, overall were happy with the life you lived, because I know that you have had every right to be content with the way you spent your life. I just wish you had had more time. Just a little more time, maybe to graduate and experience university and awe the world with your intelligence and maybe start a family and just do the things most people consider to be completely normal and a part of their life...
At least you are not going to be be alone, if there is something to be called an afterlife. I know what my people believe and when my papa died the idea that he would be with our ancestors has brought me comfort and even though I know that you didn't grow up with my culture and never had a lot to do with it I think that my papa would be more than happy to welcome you in our afterlife and I can't imagine anyone having an issue with it, seeing as you saved the universe.
But I also know that you have lost more than your fair share of people in your life and, if there is an afterlife, they will be the first ones to welcome you to it. But if you ever have the opportunity to go and meet my papa, please take it... It is funny, actually. In my culture we believe in something called the ancestral plane, where you supposedly go after you are through with this life and that is, according to my culture, where my papa is now. After he had died I really wished that I could believe in that the same way everyone around me seemed to be able to but I just... couldn't. I never really did believe in that and for most of the time I was alright with that but once he wasn't with us anymore I saw the peace that brought first-hand and I desperately wished for that peace to also reach me but it didn't, at least not in the way it had reached everyone else. I found my peace eventually, don't get me wrong, but it was a different kind of peace but that was alright, because it was mine and mine alone. It has been tow years now, since the 'Battle of Earth', that's what people are calling it now, and I still wake up from nightmares of that battle and seeing you die. Seeing your life end so suddenly, after we all had just come back from being gone for five years, that... That shook me to my core because I always thought our friend group would end up revolutionizing the world together. You, MJ, Ned, Harley and me...
You know I never had any friends. And that can't be attributed to me being the princess, my parents always tried to get me to interact with people my age but I always found it exhausting. I had to dumb down everything that truly caught my interest and the others didn't even care about any of it,so at the age of nine years I had decided that I didn't need any friends. I had my brother, my parents and the people at the palace and I was fine with that, it certainly was better than hanging out with people who didn't share any of my interests. I believed that I was fine and I was, but only because I had no idea what I was missing. And then I met you and you introduced me to your friends and suddenly I knew why my parents and my brother and the Doras were worried about me, I knew because with our friendship and being a part of a friend group I realized what I have been missing out on and I loved it. I think that our friendship was the best thing that could have ever happened to me and I am thankful that you and your friends just let me into your group, no questions asked.
I still have contact with MJ, Ned and Harley. It is difficult for us to meet in person, so we mostly chat or facetime or something along those lines but we have agreed that we would meet in person every year on your birthday, to celebrate the fact that you have been alive, though most of the time we just cry and tell funny stories about you. If anything, I think that your death brought us even closer together and I know that you would have just loved that. Even in your death you unite people. And I am not only talking about our friend group, the whole world managed to come together after your death and quite a few things are looking so much better because of that, because of you. I still wish you were still alive and I know that everyone who knew you feels the same way.
I hope you know that you were an amazing friend and that I am going to miss you until the day I die.”

It was the seventh of August and in three days time Peter would have celebrated his birthday were he sill alive.
But he wasn't alive anymore and Shuri wanted to scream at the world, at anyone who would listen, how they dared take away the first real friend she had ever had. She wanted to scream and rage at everyone who would send her yet another pitying look, when they thought she wasn't seeing them. It was infuriating because with every look Shuri was, yet again, reminded of the fact that one of her best friends had died and that she hadn't been able to help him.
With is birthday only three days away she had finally decided to ask her mother if her friends could come and visit her, so that they wouldn't be alone and miserable on that day. Sure they would still be miserable but at least they would be together. They had talked for a long time where they should meet and after some back and forth had decided on Wakanda.
Harley just wanted to get away from Rose Hill and they had never actually considered meeting at Harley's place because Harley didn't really feel comfortable with meeting at his place and that was reason enough. Ned and MJ both lived in New York City and ever since Peter had died Now York City had become the hot-spot for all things Spider-Man related, but most of all Memorials, from little shrines the Now Yorkers had build themselves to huge graffitis of Peter as Spider-Man or, in some rare cases, of just Peter. Whatever you could possibly do to honour the saviour of the universe, New York had done it. Usually that was fine but on Peter's birthday they knew that that would be to much. So the only place that remained, was Wakanda and Shuri had no problem with having her friends in her home to mourn their friend on his birthday.
She had yet to ask her mother and that was exactly what she was about to do right now, she had procrastinated doing so long enough.
Today was Wednesday and they had all appointed Wednesdays to be their family dinner days, because life for all of them, was rather hectic and they did not spend as much time as a family as they would have liked because of that. T'Challa was the king and after the catastrophe that had been Thanos and the returning of half of the universe he had not really had a moment were he could just be for a second and the same could be said for the other members of their family. Ramonda was busy helping her son in every way she possibly could and the same went for Nakia. Shuri's situation was different for obvious reasons but she had done some research regarding the new scientific discoveries that had been made in the five years she had been gone and a few managed to catch her interest and provide some form of distraction from the fact that Peter was dead only for it to then come crashing down on her like a tsunami. The nearer his birthday grew, the worse it got but Shuri had hope that, with the arrival of her friends, it could get a little more manageable.

The dinner was going well, with everyone talking and enjoying themselves, without mentioning any of the numerous problems the world was facing and it was... nice, for lack of a better word.
Shuri didn't participate much in the conversation but as dinner was drawing to a close she knew she had to bring up what had been on her mind for some time now and so she put her cutlery down, took a breath and spook up.

“Mother, could my friends come to visit me? They have already brought it up with their parents and they all have given their okay.”

At that Shuri's mother also put her cutlery down and looked at her daughter. There was silence for a few seconds before Ramonda had apparently found an answer.

“Shuri, you know that right now is not a good time for social visits of any kind and that would include your friends. We have a lot to do at the moment and I do not feel comfortable with hosting three teenagers here when we will hardly have any time for them. Maybe later, once things have calmed down.”

“Later is too late! Mother, today is the seventh of August and in three days time it is going to be the tenth of August.”

“I am well aware of what day it is today and what date we will have in three days time.”

“You might be aware of what date it is going to be in three days time but apparently you don't know the meaning that date has for me and my friends. The meaning that date should have for the world. The meaning that date has for the world. It would have been Peter's 17thenth birthday and we know that we are going to be miserable because he will be forever 16 but we would at least like to be miserable together. New York City is not happening, at least not yet and Harley wants to get away from Rose Hill for a while and their parents have given them their okay for them to come and spend that time with me here in Wakanda and... We just don't want to be alone for that. It is hard enough on a normal day but on his birthday... Please, we just want to have each other to hold onto and to remind ourselves that we are not alone in our grief. Please, we need that.”

After that it was quite for a time until Shuri's mother stood up, went to her daughter and took her in her arms while saying “Of course your friends can come for that.” and something in Shuri just broke.
The next thing she knew she was holding onto her mother for dear life while sobbing like there was no tomorrow.
Vaguely she was aware of two other sets of arms enveloping her and her mother and she knew that it was her brother and Nakia but she couldn't really pay close attention to it because all the emotions she had buried, came crashing through the surface now.
And so she just let them out, in the safety of her family.

Shuri had no memory of how she got in her bed last night but somehow she had gotten in her bed because she was now waking up in her bed because someone was knocking at her door. From the pattern Shuri was pretty sure that it was her brother and the suspicion proved to be true after he had entered the room, closing the door behinde him.
Shuri was a bit confused why exactly T'Challa had woken her up but he usually had a reason for doing what he did.

“Your friends are due to arrive here in an hour. I send one of our jets to pick them up.”

Shuri was flabbergasted but at the same time not all that surprised after what had happened yesterday. She was also surprised that her brother hadn't asked her y-

“How are you doing after yesterday? Can I help you in any way, sister?”

Yep, there it was.

“Honestly I think I need to see my friends and talk with them face to face more than anything else. I think that that is going to help me.”

“But if you need help-”

“I will come to you brother, promise. Even tough you are busy with being the king.”

“I might be busy being the king but I could never be too busy for my favourite little sister.”

True to T'Challa's words, Shuri's friends arrived and hour later.
Shuri stood on the landing terrace and watched the jet land, then the door opened and she saw MJ followed by Ned and Harley exit the jet and suddenly everything else fell away. The only important thing was the fact that her friends were here and she wouldn't be alone in her grief anymore. Of course her mother and brother grieved the death of Peter, just as about every other living being did, but it was not the same. Shuri grieved a friend, the first friend she had ever had, while the rest of them grieved the saviour of the universe as they knew it. Her mother and brother grieved him in a way similar to her, because she had talked about him and a lot and they had also met him on a few occasions, but he hadn't been their first friend.

MJ, Ned and Harley just took one look at Shuri's face and her puffy eyes before they enveloped her in a group hug and in that moment, surrounded by her friends who felt the same grief she felt, Shuri knew that they were going to be okay. Not tomorrow or anytime soon, but eventually.
And so she stood there with her eyes closed and hugged her friends back.
They remained like that for a long time.

Shuri had no idea how long she just stood in the middle of the field, starring up at the sky and taking in everything that was.

Some time later she heard footsteps approaching her, which came to a stop right next to her. A quick look told her that her brother had decided to join her and so, they just stood there, side by side witnessing the world slowly waking up and getting ready for a new day.

And suddenly words started to tumble out of her mouth and she couldn't stop them from coming and so, she simply didn't.

And her brother just listened.

“You know that Peter was the first friend I had who was actually my age and I thought that we would revolutionize the world together. I mean I am already the head of our science department here and I am pretty sure that Stark would have appointed Peter his successor for Stark Industries and I loved to imagine what we could achieve together, could you imagine? That future, for me, was set in stone and there was nothing that could possibly change that. And then he introduced me to his other friends and suddenly I had even more friends my age and I really enjoyed it. I never thought I would back when I had no friends my age but I also didn't now what I was missing out on, back then. I know that you and mother know that I love you and that you are my family and I would not change anything about that, but Peter and MJ and Ned and Harley, they became my family as well. A different kind of family, but family all the same and I knew that we would always remain close, I knew that we would all revolutionize the world in our chosen field and I knew that we would always be there for one another, no matter what. I never thought that one of us would die at just 16 years old. That never crossed my mind, but it should have. I knew that Peter was out and about as Spider-Man, I knew that people shot at him on his patrols and I knew that he has been hit by bullets before. But the very real threat to his life never once stopped him from going out as Spider-Man again and again and again, until he couldn't anymore...
Looking back on all the conversations we had, I think he always knew, or at the very least suspected, that he would not live all that long and so he just tried to make the most of every day he got...
You know there was one thing Peter used to say. He used to say that there are no happy endings, not really anyways. Because even if they lived “happily ever after” there is always going to be an end, because everything ends eventually and that made it sad... But he would always follow that thought with “So, just give me a happy beginning and a very happy middle.” and I like to think that he had a very happy middle, over all... I have to think that because if I don't think that way then I... I am just seconds away from losing my mind, from breaking down, from fucking giving up but I know that he would not have wanted me to give up and so I can't! I honour of his memory, of everything he stood for, I can't just give up... But it is so fucking hard. SO fucking hard. And sometimes I just wish that he was still here because if anyone deserved to be here, it's him. Life had thrown so much shit his way, again and again and again and he always just kept going, with a fucking smile on his face more often than not. He always got back up, even if he should have stayed down. He deserved so much more that what he had been given. I hope he knew that.”

While Shuri had been talking she hadn't realized that she had started crying but once she had said everything she had needed to get of her chest and just stood there she realized that tears were running down her face. It felt freeing, in a strange way.

Like her soul had just been deep-cleaned, and maybe it had been, maybe it had been.

Still crying, she turned to face her brother and just hugged him.

She held onto him and he held onto her and they just existed for a while, in the middle of a field, they just were for a while.

“I hope it will get easier for her... For everyone.”

“It will get easier for them, it will.”

“But when?”

“All in due time, all in due time.”