Work Text:
"Reap What You Sow"
By: Miracle Shining
RATING: PG-13
PAIRING: EraserMic (Aizawa Shouta/Yamada Hizashi)
SUMMARY: One bad afternoon leads to a chain of unexpected events involving Hizashi that forces Shouta to face a few things.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This one-shot has actually eaten at my brain for a while. I once in a while writer something like this to purge myself of thoughts. This was the very emotional result. =^^=;;
*****
Yamada Hizashi was tired.
There was no other way to state it.
He blinked slowly at the coffee mug he was holding in his hand. For the life of him he couldn't seem to remember if he was pouring coffee for himself or if he was getting the mug for Shouta.
Everything lately seemed to blur into a single foggy line of motions.
He shook his golden hair, his side braid bouncing against his shoulder as he set the object down on the counter.
It was getting around 4 p.m. Shouta was going to need some of his muscle relaxers post physical therapy.
The lanky man ventured into his apartment's bathroom and located the pill bottle. He tipped out two tablets and dutifully ran water into a cup next to the sink.
After that, he quietly padded back into the front room where a raven haired man was sitting, a seemingly permanent scowl imbedded on his face as of late.
"Here, Shou. It's time to take these."
"I don't want too." he mumbled back.
"Can you just please do it? It's been three days. I know you've got great pain resilience but you're not going to recover faster if you let all that work you put in fail because you won't let your muscles relax."
"I'm fine, Hizashi." Shouta snapped.
The blonde drew in a slow, steady breath and set the cup with the pills on the nearby coffee table.
"Fine. Just... Could you just think about it?"
With that, he turned to head back into the kitchen. He began to hunt for something light to make for an early supper when Shouta's voice interrupted.
"I want you to drop me off so I can see him again tomorrow."
Hizashi rubbed his eye with the back of his hand. His ears felt mildly like they were ringing. He ignored the sensation and walked back into his front room.
"Shou, I really can't tomorrow. I've got a special DJ gig before I even have my radio show. I'll see if maybe Kan can do it for you."
Dark eyes looked almost critically at the other man.
"You've been taking extra jobs lately."
"Just trying to stay busy." Hizashi answered quietly.
He was feeling light headed again and he couldn't help but rub the back of his neck. Something felt... Off.
Shouta said nothing to that. Hizashi once again turned to head back into the kitchenette.
"Why don't you ever come and see him?"
The inquiry seemed to slice right to the center of the other man's brain. Something in the phrasing, the very sound of the question caused a kind of heated core to filter through the base of his spine, crawl up into his tensed shoulders and seal to the back of his green swirled retinas.
"It's not him. Not any more."
"He's in there, Hizashi."
"Maybe."
Hizashi rubbed his eyes behind his glasses. They felt swollen and mildly painful. He took the frames off his nose and tried to apply pressure at the bridge. The sensation of swaying settled into him and he felt a wave of nausea begin to rise up in his stomach.
"Did you take your pills finally?" the golden haired man asked as he continued to try and balance himself.
"NO, I DIDN'T." Shouta enunciated far too loudly.
Something in that tone was beyond grating. It caused the swirling in Hizashi's brain, that fog that had settled to clear with a sharpness that was finer than any point that had ever cut his body. Without thought, he stomped back into the room.
"TAKE THE DAMN PILLS." he growled back, his voice tremoring with an edge that could accidentally unlease his Quirk.
"I'M DONE WITH THE MEDS." Shouta nearly snarled. "IN FACT, I'M DONE WITH THIS WHOLE THING."
"Whole thing?" Hizashi returned, trying to bring his breathing and vocal projection down to normal again.
"Yeah. Living here. I feel trapped. I feel like I can't do anything. I just can't stand it."
"You didn't have to come and live with me, Shou. I offered and you accepted."
"And I'm starting to wonder why I did." he grumbled.
Hizashi couldn't tell if that was the tipping point but something inside of him burst. It flared up into his skull and stayed there screaming like a wailing wind at the height of a storm. He didn't even realize he was talking because all he could focus on was how he felt like his chest was thundering far too loud in his ears.
"THEN LEAVE! I'M NOT STOPPING YOU!" the taller spat out, tears wavering in his sound despite his best attempt to hold it even. "MAYBE I'M SICK OF THIS TOO! ALL YOU DO IS COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HEALING FASTER, NOT BEING THE PERSON YOU ONCE WERE. NOT BEING THE HERO YOU THINK THE WORLD NEEDS!"
Shouta's mouth opened but shut as Hizashi's green swirls were nearly blown to full sized spirals.
"AND THEN TO HAVE THE AUDACITY TO TELL ME THAT YOU FEEL TRAPPED! YOU! AND I HAVE BEEN BY YOUR SIDE TRYING TO HELP SINCE THE BEGINNING! BUT OH NO, THAT DOESN'T MATTER, DOES IT?! BECAUSE I'M NOT HIM! I WILL NEVER BE HIM! NO MATTER WHAT I DO, WHAT I TRY, HOW I ACT, I'M NOT HIM!"
The world was starting to spin around Hizashi. Everything was blurry except his focus on Shouta. The raven haired man's expression was becoming harder and harder to discern because Hizashi's eyes weren't aligning any more.
"....hizashi." Shouta barely spoke.
"I'M NOT HIS REPLACEMENT! I NEVER WANTED TO BE! I JUST WANTED TO BE A GOOD FRIEND! I WANTED TO TAKE CARE OF YOU!"
His chest hurt. It hurt bad.
"BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER ANY MORE!" his register was now to the highest it could go without causing damage.
Why was his chest hurting so bad? His heart felt like it was too big for his rib cage.
".....hizashi, please stop...." Shouta could barely talk.
"BECAUSE IN THE END, I'LL STILL BE ALONE! EVEN WHEN HE WAS HERE, I WAS ALONE! I'LL ALWAYS BE ALONE! DAMMIT, I'M SO SICK OF JUST... OF JUST..."
His heart.
He couldn't feel his heart.
Hizashi clutched at his chest, gasping for air. His knees gave way and his whole body collapsed to the floor. He struggled as the pain radiated through his whole body.
All he could see was splotches of color that was starting to fade into dark circles.
The blonde didn't register that Shouta had fallen off the couch trying to get to him. He didn't hear the phone or realize that the other man had called for emergency help. He didn't feel the compressions as the scarred hands worked over and over on his ribs. He didn't see the look of horror on the other's face.
He could only focus on a single fading thought.
"My heart... It broke..."
*****
The hospital floor was suprisingly quiet despite it being early evening.
Shouta sat in the waiting room anxiously wringing his hands. He stared at the clock glaring down at him for the twelfth time in the last half hour.
He wanted to pace but his prosthetic leg wasn't ready yet. It was too hard to go back and forth on his crutches. So he made do with bouncing his good leg up and down in a near frenetic motion.
What had he done?
He stopped rolling his hands and turned them upwards to stare at the scar covered palms. The palms that had applied compression CPR to Hizashi until the ambulance was able to get there. They had administered immediate medical stabilization but the outlook was mediocre at best.
Shouta had ridden with them.
Hizashi looked like a frail ghost, machines clicking and buzzing around him keeping track of his blood pressure and very weak heart rate.
When they had arrived, the medics came and got his friend immediately while another nurse came out and offered to take Shouta to their heart wing, assuring him they had some of the best doctors and Quirk healers in the city.
Now he was left to his own thoughts. To review what he had said, what he had done, in near agonizing detail.
It had been a bad day at physical therapy and he had been in a sour mood. He wasn't sure even why he had been so adamant about not taking the muscle relaxers. He had been feeling petty and admittedly more than a little aggravated.
Lashing out at Hizashi had felt good for a few moments. It had sated some dark place in him that wanted the blonde to feel regret for not visiting Oboro. For not seeing his supposed side of things.
But he realized now he hadn't once taken in Hizashi's side of the situation.
The golden haired man had willingly offered to take care of Shouta. He drove him pretty much everywhere, even to the one place he had refused to go into. He had been working countless hours trying to help Shouta rehabilitate so he could go back to his own apartment. Not only that, but he was still balancing all of his school and outside work duties.
It would overwhelm nearly anyone.
And Shouta had managed to not only do that but make everything worse.
He felt tears begin to form at the base of his left eye. He quickly scrubbed at it when the door slid open. He glanced over and felt his face go red with shame.
Mrs. Yamada was standing there, her expression exhausted and more than worried. She quickly sat down by Shouta and gestured with her hands for him to look at her.
"Are you okay?" she signed out quickly.
Shouta nodded a little. He swallowed and tried his best to make sure to speak slow and carefully.
"Yes. Um, I... I don't know what to say..."
She was ready to respond when the door slid open again and the doctor along with a nurse stepped into the room. Mrs. Yamada stood quickly, her purse clutched tightly to her chest.
The doctor's cleared his throat and placed one of his taloned fingers on the chart to show both of them. The nurse proceeded to sign as the man spoke.
"Yamada had a pretty bad heart attack, most likely stress induced. Not uncommon but still something of concern. He's going to have to stay here for a couple of nights. After that, he's going to need to rest for a solid two weeks before he can attempt to go back to work. Will there be anyone staying at his apartment during this time?"
"I'll have him come home with me for now." Mrs. Yamada spoke in a monotone voice.
The doctor made a sound of agreement.
"You can go in and visit him if you'd like, madam. Only one visitor allowed at a time."
The woman nodded as the nurse finished with the signing. She turned to look at Shouta and reached out her hand. The raven haired man took it without thinking. She squeezed it gently.
"It's all my fault..." he choked out.
"He will never stay mad at you." she carefully spoke. "But he needs time to heal too."
Shouta gave a tiny nod. The nurse gently escorted the small woman out the door. Shouta paused before he stood with the aid of his crutches. He waited a few minutes before he quietly slipped out of the waiting room.
He rode the lift down to the lobby and wobbled out. A taxi rolled up and he directed him to Hizashi's address. The drive was silent as Shouta's mind rolled over and over with everything that had happened in such a short time.
He carefully hobbled his way up the third floor apartment and slipped the key card Hizashi had given him through the lock.
The room was a mess from lack of upkeep and Hizashi's fall. Shouta swallowed as he scanned over the litter from him nearly camping out on the couch to the mess of blankets and his yellow sleeping bag strewn in his makeshift bedroom. His eyes fell on the coffee mug that Hizashi was trying to use earlier.
Finally his gaze landed on the muscle relaxers that were still shockingly resting on the coffee table with the glass of water.
Now alone in his friend's place without a soul there to see, Aizawa Shouta let out an heart wrenching sob and he wept. He cried as images of Hizashi's anguished face then look of utter shock as he fell to the ground grabbing desperately at his own chest welled up in his mind's eye.
But the words that Mrs. Yamada spoke to him lodged deep in his brain and formed a kind of resolve he had never experienced.
"He needs time to heal too."
Shouta dragged in a few deep, shaky breaths. He forced himself to move toward the couch. Reaching down, he grabbed the muscle relaxers and took them. He then looked around the apartment and made a silent resolution.
After all, healing started with small little steps.
*****
Hizashi stood at the front of apartment complex.
The breeze was warm and caused the few loose strands that were falling out of his loose bun to flutter aimlessly. The blossoms of early flowers were starting to open and the world was feeling alive once again.
It had been a hard road the past couple of weeks for the DJ.
The two and a half days in the hospital had been misery. He could hardly stay awake and some times the pain in his chest would flare to the point that the staff would have to knock him out again.
When he was finally quasi lucid, he realized that his mother was sitting in the room with him. He hadn't been able to stop the tears if he had tried. He cried for a long time as she held his hand and stroked his hair.
He hadn't meant to make her worry.
The doctor had prescribed two weeks of quiet rest, lots of healthy food and plenty of sleep.
And some cursed blood pressure medicine but the blonde couldn't blame them for that.
The car ride with his mother had been quiet as they both relied heavily on signing to each other and that was hard with her driving. But when they had left the city and arrived at her small home in the suburbs, he had felt an overwhelming sense of calm.
Together, along with his older sister who came for a few days, they got Hizashi back on his feet. He stayed in contact with Nedzu and let the principal know he would be back by the end of the month. He didn't really think about the fact that the small rodent hadn't brought Shouta up once. The radio station told him to finally use some of his vacation days and his DJ-ing gigs were put on hold for an indefinite time.
It was toward the end of the first week that his mother had come to sit with him. She patted his leg and smiled at him gently.
"Hizashi," she signed, "did you know when I arrived I wasn't the only one who was there in the waiting room?"
Hizashi blinked and shook his head.
"Shouta was there."
"He... he was?" Hizashi mouthed.
"Yes. He helped save your life. He was so worried about you. I think he thought he had lost you. But we talked for a while. I told him that you needed time to heal. I think you both did and maybe still do. The reason I'm telling you this is when it's time for you to go back to your apartment, do you think you will be able to look Shouta face to face and talk?"
It was a question that had bounced through the blonde man's mind over the course of his recovery.
The fight had been bad. Very bad.
But was it a deal breaker? Did it mean the end of them?
"I want too, Mom. I really do."
"Then you're already healing, sweetie. I'm so proud of you."
She had hugged Hizashi tight and for some reason, everything seemed to just make sense.
Which brought him to making his way up the stairs. He turned down the hallway and stopped in front of his door.
He cringed slightly thinking of the mess that probably waiting for him. He hadn't been cleaning while taking care of Shouta. He would address that slowly once he was inside.
Swiping the key, the door slipped open and the smell of lilacs was the first thing that greeted Hizashi's nose.
The blonde blinked his emerald eyes twice before sweeping his gaze over the visible area of his place.
Everything was clean and put into order. There were no piles of papers, no towels hanging in corners and no spills on the kitchenette's floor.
He slipped off his shoes. As he stepped in the living room, he turned to see a person stepping out of the bathroom.
Startled dark eyes locked with stunned bright green ones.
"Shouta?"
The dark haired man stood awkwardly with a cleaning cloth in one hand and bottle of spray in the other. His hair was pulled back in a tight ponytail. Baggy clothes fell over his now noticeable set of working legs.
"You... You got your new prosthetic!" Hizashi exclaimed without thought.
Shouta gave a quick nod before breaking eye contact. He scurried into the kitchen, opening the cabinet and depositing the products in a basket. He quickly stood and then nearly beelined his way to the door to snag his one shoe.
"Where are you going?"
"I... I..."
"You don't have to leave." Hizashi said softly. "I haven't seen you in almost three weeks."
Shouta bit his lower lip before turning around slowly. He wasn't sure where to look so he just kept staring down at his mismatched feet.
"Did you clean my apartment?"
"Yeah." the dark eyed man barely mumbled.
"It looks really good. I think you did a better job than I usually do."
Shouta swallowed slowly. Hizashi paused and then let out a soft sigh.
"Shou, please come and sit down with me."
The blonde placed the small bag his mother had given him with his meds and some spare clothes on the coffee table. Shouta shuffled over and sat down a distance away.
There was a tenseness still there. Something that they were going to have to breach.
"I..." Shouta began, stopped and then started again. "I wanted to make sure your place was nice when you got back. I would have been done and gone already but you got back earlier than I expected."
"Thank you, I really do appreciate it. But you didn't have to disappear right away."
The slightly smaller began to pick at the fabric of his loose running pants. Hizashi just sat quietly, his hands folded on his own lap.
"Can we talk?" the blonde finally asked.
"Okay..."
Hizashi drew in a slow breath and exhaled like he had been taught. He placed his hand over the area of his heart. Shouta saw the motion and the green eyed man instantly saw fear flood his face.
"Oh, no, I'm okay!" he rushed to say. "The doctor taught me to do this so I can kind of know what my heart rate is doing. I'm supposed to do it when I feel really nervous."
"Nervous?" Shouta questioned curiously.
"Yeah, this is kind of scary for me. Actually, it's really scary. Honestly it might be one of the scariest things I've ever done. Well, right next to that time I bumped that really angry bee when we were fifteen and it chased me all around the school trying to have it out with me..."
"Zash, you're rambling." Shouta replied but there was a softness to his voice.
"Sorry. Sorry. I just wasn't sure if I'd be ready to do this but I guess it's better to rip it off like a bandage."
Shouta tried to calm his own raging heart as he watched Hizashi take another slow, measured breath.
"The day I had my heart attack, there was so much I don't remember. But what I do remember was being so angry at you because I felt like I was living in the shadow of someone I could never match up too." Hizashi's voice wavered, saline dotting his long eyelashes. "And the last thought I had was my heart has finally broken."
Shouta bit his lip at those words. His fingers clutched the hem of his shirt tightly.
"But Mom told me you're the one who kept me alive. You went with me to the hospital and stayed until she came. I'm not sure why you never came and saw me though."
"I... I thought I might be the last person you would want to see. After everything that had happened. I thought I would make it worse. I... I seem to be very good at that." Shouta barely said.
Hizashi paused before he reached out his hand. He gently tugged on one of Shouta's fidgeting ones. The dark eyed man watched as Hizashi carefully turned the hand over in his until the palm was facing upwards.
"See this? This is the hand that kept me here. You kept me here, Shouta. You."
".....zashi...."
The tears started to spill out of Shouta's good eye. The droplets fell and splashed over his clothes and onto Hizashi's hand. He clutched at that hand and brought it up to his face, pressing it tight against his cheek.
"....i never wanted what happened to you to happen..." Shouta sobbed. "....i was cruel because i wanted you to hurt... i wanted you to feel pain because you never seemed too.... i somehow believed that... that because you always were smiling... that somehow you didn't care... you didn't feel... and you did... you felt so, so much more than even i could........."
The words dissolved into body shaking tears. Hizashi drew his hand back only long enough to wrap his arms around Shouta's shoulders and hold him close. After a few minutes, the smaller man finally managed to speak.
"....and even now," he hiccuped. "...you're still comforting me... and i don't deserve you...."
"Hush." Hizashi stated firm but not harshly. "We both have a lot of learn about communication. It's something we need to work on before another thing like this happens again. And I want to work on it. With you."
Shouta blinked as he drew back enough to look at Hizashi's face. His green eyes were puffy from crying also.
"With me?"
"I... I know I'm not the easiest to deal with either. But... But I want to be with you, Shouta. I want to be your friend and... And maybe someday after all this hell is behind us... Maybe... Maybe I could be something more?" Hizashi asked hopefully, his cheeks turning a blushing pink.
Shouta shook his head. Hizashi's expression was edging toward despair when Shouta took his hand again and pressed a kiss to the top of it. The tender gesture stunned the other man.
"I don't want to wait until this hell is behind us. I don't want to wait any more with things unsaid and things undone. We both nearly lost each other by outside forces and our own personal demons."
"Shou?" Hizashi whispered. "Does this mean... I mean it's not because of what happened... I mean, this is... are we..."
"We do this together like you said, Zashi. We start today by talking and by taking care of each other. I promise to listen when you need to talk."
"And I promise to listen when you need to talk. And I promise not to complain when you drop cookie crumbs on the floor."
Hizashi's light comment brought an unexpected smile to his stoic companion's face. After only seconds, first nervous and then true laughter erupted from both of them. The duo had to calm down when Hizashi's breath became a little short but it didn't damper the new found warmth.
Shouta moved his arms to wrap Hizashi tight against him. The blonde relaxed immediately and sank into the other man's strong embrace.
"Shouta?"
"Yeah?"
"Is this.. Is this what real love feels like?"
"Yeah, Hizashi. I think so."
"It's nice. But it sure was hell to get here."
"Let's not do it again any time soon."
"Agreed."
The two men relaxed on the couch together.
There was still many things they would have to discuss. But for now, they could just be with each other.
And take comfort in that.
THE END!