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I started drinkin’ again. I know, you hate who I am when I drink like this… but it’s the only thing that dulls this pain. This deep throbbing fire in my chest that feels like my heart is folding in on itself. They don’t make aspirin for this kind of pain… so I drink. I drink until I can simultaneously forget and only think about you.
I see you in every girl in this damn bar. The one in the booth… her hair is kinda like yours. The girl at the bar has eyes almost the same color… but nowhere near as beautiful. Over by the pool table, a girl has a lopsided flirty smile like yours… only hers turns up on the wrong side and the smile doesn’t reach her eyes.
I always end up taking one home, but it’s never the same… it’s never you. They sigh my name, but they say it wrong. Not like you. They don’t say it like it’s something sweet on their taste buds… they say it in a rush, like it’s hot and sour and messy.
Sometimes, I say your name instead of theirs. They always get pissed, of course, but I guess they see the shadow of you in my eyes because I always break down. I tell them everything. I even cry a little when I start to tell stories about you, but I don’t let them see.
I’ll never see them again, I know that, but someone else has to know about you. I have to share your beauty with everyone I meet. I can’t stop it. You’re like an impulse, a reflex. When people ask, ‘How are you, Dean?’ I don’t reflexively say, ‘Oh, I’m fine,’…. My first thought is, ‘I miss her,’…
Hell, who am I kidding? It’s my only thought. It’s like a drum constantly beating on my brainstem, playing at the same tempo as my heart,
‘Imissher – Imissher – Imissher – Imissher’
I always wake up with them next to me. Their soft warmth reminds me of you, so I try to pretend it’s real for a minute. But they never smell sweet enough, or drape their leg over mine like you.
Once, I opened my eyes to the sunlight shining through some girl’s window. I noticed the curtains, of all things, first. Some damn lacey frilly fabric - something you would have loved - separated me from the warm sun… and it made me realize something…
No matter how dead and gone and buried you are…
No matter what I do.
How much I drink.
How far I run.
Who I fall asleep with or who I wake up with…
I will always wake up still loving you…
And I should have told you when I had the chance.