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A young troll stands in her respiteblock. It just so happens that today, in THE THIRD ROUND OF THE TUMBLRWOMAN ELECTION, this troll has big plans. Plans so large they require at least EIGHT fires, each of which contain at least EIGHT irons.
This troll’s name is VRISKA SERKET, and today she is going to kill KATYA GONCHAROV.
It is a sunny day on Earth C, as many days tend to be, and Vriska begins it peacefully - in her home, with her two lovely girlfriends. She cheerfully gets out of her recuperacoon-bed fusion, bright and early - which for her, is about ten AM. As the divine Thief of Light, Vriska has no petty mortal commitments or obligations that require her to get up before a normal and reasonable time. In fact, she has woken up at least three hours before her usual alarm.
This is for a very good reason. Today is the day that all of her AWESOME PLANS will come together. All the IRONS WILL BE PUT INTO THE FIRE. All the L8SERS WILL SUCCUM8 T8 H8R W8B!!!!!!!! Today, she is going to RIG THE TUMBLRW8MAN ELECTION, THROUGH THE VENERABLE ACT OF MURDER.
Of Vriska’s two girlfriends, one of them is already awake - Terezi, because xe is responsible, or something STUP8D!!!!!!!!, and is going to law school. Which apparently forces you to get up early. Her other girlfriend, June, is still asleep. This wouldn’t be a problem, except June is M8GA C8TE while sleeping, and Vriska wouldn’t want to wake her up.
“Hmph,” Vriska said, because none of her girlfriends were around to kiss, but it didn’t ruin her spirits too much. She was too excited that her awesome plans were coming to fruition.
Vriska made herself cereal for breakfast, except instead of milk, she had spiders.
“Wow,” she remarked out loud, “I sure hope nobody will get into discourse about this. That would be some real Vriscourse!” she said, then winked at the camera.
Vriska then got ready for her day. She looked in the mirror. She had shoulder length black hair with a streak of blue in it, which was the same colour as her blood, though she didn’t dye it with her blood, because that would be silly. She wore blue eyeliner and lipstick, which wasn’t her blood either, and her glasses. She had two horns, one of which was pointed and the other had a curvy bit, like a scorpion tail. They were starting to fade slightly blue as she matured. She pulled off her pyjamas and put on her t-shirt, which said “BASEDKA SERKET!!!!!!!!” in large letters, and then put on her cool jacket, and her pants, and also her bright red awesome rocket shoes. She looked very awesome and cool, because she was undeniably based and cool and awesome. H3ll y3ah!!!!!!!!
Vriska made her lovely girlfriend June, who as we mentioned earlier was still asleep, a bowl of spiders cereal, and then she set off to do what she desired.
Vriska’s master plan had three steps. The first one, unfortunately, involved talking to her FRIEND by the name of KARKAT VANTAS. A particularly shouty and annoying friend, this one was, but Karkat had a valuable trait, unfortunately. He was really obsessed with TUMBLR, because he was SOME KIND OF NERD who really liked ROMANCE and STUFF. What a NERD. Unfortunately, Vriska needed that NERD’s help.
She flew over to Karkat’s hive, where he was passionately making out with his boyfriend Dave and his other boyfriend Sollux and his other boyfriend Nepeta. Vriska was jealous that Karkat had three boyfriends and she only had two girlfriends, but she would never tell him.
“HI L8SERS!!!!!!!!” she shouted at them. Nepeta flipped her off, so she flipped him off back. Unfortunately, he was unaffected, because even Vriska had to admit that Nepeta’s unbridled swag was more than hers.
“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT, VRISKA?” Karkat shouted back at her, in his normal voice.
“I..” Vriska took a moment to process it. Even the thought was nauseating. But she was committed to this plan. She had to go through with it. “I need your help, V8ntas!”
“WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY? I CANT HEAR YOU??”
Vriska flew closer. As she approached, Sollux and Nepeta flipped her off, because they were prepz and poserz. Dave waved, because he was a COOL KID.
“I need your help!!!!!!!!!”
“WHAT WITH? ALSO YOU USED TOO MANY EXCLAMATION MARKS”
“FUCK,” Vriska exclaimed. She landed on the balcony.
“WELL, SPIT IT OUT YOU BULGEWHIFFING BRAINDEAD FUCKASS GRUBFUCK SHITHEAD IDIOT!”
“I need your help in rigging the Tum8lr polls!!!!!!!!”
“WHY THE FUCK DO- ACTUALLY, NEVERMIND, I DONT WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWER. WHY THE FUCK WOULD I HELP YOU.”
“8ecause we’re frieeeeeeeends?"
“UGH. FINE. I FUCKING HATE MY FUCKING LIFE,” he said, and stopped kissing his three boyfriends. Nepeta started smoking some weed, and so did Dave and Sollux. God Vriska was so jealous of Karkat and his three weed smoking boyfriends.
Karkat went over to his crab shaped laptop, which was super lame as fuck, because it didnt have enough legs, so Vriska decaptchalogued her awesome spider themed gaming PC. Karkat grumbled.
Vriska went over to her laptop and typed up Tumblr dot tumblr dot com, to go to one of the webbed sites of all time.
“WOW,” Karkat said angrily, like he said everything, “YOU TYPE LIKE A GRANDMA”
“Fuck off V8ntas!!!!!!!! Just tell me about my opponent.”
“WHAT THE FUCK VRISKA, HOW ARE YOU LOSING TO A CHARACTER THAT DOESNT EXIST,” Karkat said, and got out his phone.
“What are you doing????????
“POSTING THIS ON VRISKAGRAM SO EVERYONE MAKES FUN OF YOU”
“Ill actually k8ll you!!!!!!!!”
“FINE, FINE. OKAY, THIS IS KATYA FROM GONCHAROV. SHE’S NOT REAL, SHE’S FROM THE 1973 MOVIE TROLL GONCHAROV, DIRECTED BY MATTEO JWHJ 0715 - HIS MOTHER WAS TROLL ITALIAN AND HIS FATHER WAS A VEHICULAR IDENTIFICATION SLAB - AND PRODUCED BY FAMOUS DIRECTOR TROLL MARTIN SCORSESE, EXCEPT FOR SOME REASON THIS IS THE INFERIOR EARTH VERSION. OF COURSE, TROLL GONCHAROV DOESN’T ACTUALLY EXIST, IT WAS MADE UP AS A MEME BY TUMBLR TO FOOL AND CONFUSE NON TUMBLR USERS-” Karkat went on, because he was a big fat nerd.
“How am I meant to kill her then!!!!!!!!” Vriska interrupted.
“I THOUGHT THIS WAS ABOUT POLL RIGGING?”
“Yeah, through murder!”
“I DONT FUCKING KNOW.”
“Well you were no help at all!!!!!!!! I’m leaving a 8ad review on your pizza restra8nt.”
“NOOOO” Karkat screamed dramatically, and then Vriska flew off, leaving him to be comforted by his three weed smoking boyfriends.
This left Vriska in a 8it of a pickle. How was she meant to kill Katya Goncharov and orchestrate her master plan to be declared the ultimate Tumblrwoman ever, if Katya Goncharov wasn’t even real????????
For help, Vriska decided to consult Rose and Kanaya, AKA ms fussyfangs and ms fussier but no fangs! They had engaged in some sort of “ROSEMARY SWEEP” last human year, and maybe they had some good advice. However, when Vriska went to their house, she couldn’t find them. This was deeply tragic, so she went to sulk.
“Vriska Why Are You Sitting On My Table Eating My Wifes Tea Bags”
Kanaya said as she came in. She was wearing a button that said Vote Rosemary 2023, and a stylish jade-green suit. God Kanaya was so cool.
“I need your help, Fussyfangs!!!!!!!!”
“I Think That Your Mental Health May Be Improved Somewhat If You Allowed Yourself To Relax Somewhat Now That We Have Won The Game”
“Not to do with that!!!!!!!! I need to win the tumblrwoman contest!!!!!!!!”
“Oh In That Case I Would Simply Recommend Being Better Than Your Opponents For Example Me And Rose Are Currently Winning In The Tumblr Lesbian Ship Poll”
“You’re no h8lp at all!!!!!!!!”
“Sorry.” Kanaya said, but Vriska had already flew off, taking the teabags she was eating with her. Kanaya sulked, but then Rose walked in, and they made out, because they were the best Homestuck characters ever and invented lesbianism.
Vriska was totally stumped! She had no idea what to do! How was she going to kill Katya and ensure her total victory? She had one last person to ask, though she didn't want to. Unfortunately, she had no other choice. Vriska packed her best set of magic dice, her sickest god tier garbs, and her replica house juju, just for good luck, and she set off into the Forests of Dirkitude.
It was a great and perilous voyage to reach the mysterious sanctum of the man known as Dirk Strider. It was fabled that he was infected by the vulnerability known as “depression”, and his means to deal with it was to secede into the forests where nobody could take advantage of it, and only come out to share parts of his ongoing screenplay where everyone went to space to kill him, and also Rose was a robot. This, of course, was totally awesome. Vriska would do the same if she had such a terrible vulnerability, but instead she had two awesome and cool girlfriends.
Vriska approached the gatekeeper of the forests - Jane Crocker. He was wearing a button up shirt and suspenders, and had a moustache on. It was unclear if it was real or fake, as Jane had just started testosterone. Vriska and Jane were good friends, and also coincidentally, Jane was the only person who had seen Dirk Strider in the last three months.
“H8llo!”
“Hi Vriska! :B” Jane said.
“I need to see Strider!!!!!!!!”
“Hm, are you sure?”
“Yes I’m sure Jane!!!!!!!!”
“Okay, well, you’ll have to answer my three riddles first.”
“Do I have to????????”
“Yes :B”
“Fiiiiiiiineeeeeeee.”
“Riddle one! Whats cool and sexy and based?”
“Me, obviously.” Vriska said.
“Wrong! The answer was dismantling Crockercorp!”
“Riddle two! Whats the most attractive thing a man can do?”
“Let you paralyse him.”
“Wrong again! The answer was dismantle Crockercorp :B”
“Hey!!!!!!!! You cant have the same answer again!!!!!!!!”
“My riddles, my rules :B”
Vriska rolled her dice in a fit of rage. Unfortunately, she rolled eight 1s, because her luck was so bad, and her dice turned into a Vote Katya poster. She broke down crying.
“Oh, okay, fine, you can go into the forest,” Jane said, because he was nice like that.”
Vriska grinned widely, and flew past Jane.
“Oh shucks,” said Jane.
Vriska delved deep into the forest, and braved its tumultuous turns. She checked her w8tch, which had spiders on it. It was getting late! The polls would close soon. She had to hurry.
“DIRK!!!!!!!!” she yelled
“WHAT?” he yelled back. He came out. He was wearing orange sunglasses and a popped collar and a maroon suit, but not the ultimate dirk suit, because he wasn’t particularly ultimate.
“I NEED TO 8ECOME ULTIMATE”
“I TOLD YOU IM NOT DOING THAT ANYMORE”
“NO, THE ULTIMATE TUM8LRWOMAN.”
“Oh, okay,” Dirk said, and let her inside his mechanical fortress. Pictures of buff horses were everywhere.
“What can I do?”
“I need to figure out how to kill someone who isn't real,” Vriska told him.
Dirk did a big think.
“Killing an idea is something that one cannot just approach lightly. While I believe it to be possible, after my brief foray into Ultimate status, I think that to breach the narrative so and decimate a character who is not truly real may be beyond our current capability. As Troll Plato said, in his famous 1993 essay “On The Nature of Reality-”
Vriska cut him off.
“Shut up shut up shut up!!!!!!!! God you’re so 8oring!!!!!!!! No wonder Jake wont date you !!!!!!!!”
Dirk cried. Vriska gave him an unsympathetic pat on the back.
“Fine,” he said, “you can probably make her real and kill her that way. I have a machine for it.”
Dirk led her into the grimy depths of his lab. A great thrumming consumed the room. The Realifier 90000 looked like a horrid blend of an alchemiter and a steam engine, suspended above a seemingly infinite pit. It glowed in shades of orange and more orange, because Dirk was a one note loser.
Dirk drank his orange soda, and typed something into the machine.
It whirred and it whistled and it played the theme music to Goncharov, and then, suddenly, there was a great banging noise, and it all went dark.
When Vriska awoke, she was no longer in Dirk’s sullen laboratory. Instead, she had awoken in the centre of Can Town. Her friends circled around her - she saw at the head of the gathered, Dirk and Kanaya and Jane and Karkat, and in front of them, her two girlfriends. June blew her a kiss. Terezi threw her the Flourite Octet.
Before her, sat Katya Goncharov
“Your time has run out, Ms. Serket. You have faded from relevance. It is time for you to go.” Katya said, and smoke a cigarette sexily.
“Also,” she added, “I have three girlfriends, more than you do.”
This got Vriska really angry. She rolled her dice, and as they spun, lunged for Katya. The two began to fight, neck and neck, cigarette to blade. The Marquise and the Mafioso’s Wife, caught in struggle. Most people of good renown cheered for Vriska. Some LOSERS cheered for Katya. Eventually, though, Vriska gained an advantage.
“Fuck you, 8itch!!!!!!!!” Vriska cried out. “I’m the main character, and don’t you forget it!!!!!!!!”
Katya screamed, and Vriska plunged her sword into her heart. She faded away into dust. It was done. Katya Goncharov was dead. Vriska would be the Tumblrwoman. Everyone clapped and cheered, and Dave Strider started doing a haha funny fortnite dance, except Equius, who was suspiciously absent
Terezi and June came over. Vriska passionately made out with them, and the trio were raised into the crowd. It was so cool. Everyone loved Vriska forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever!!!!!!!!
Then Eridan came in, and said “Wwoww, im transgender,” and everyone clapped, but less than at Vriska wwinning.
THE END
Written by Vr8ska Serket.