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“I need you to kiss me.”
Aaron watched Neil’s pen jerk across his page, leaving a harsh purple line through his biology notes. Truthfully, Neil’s penmanship was so atrocious that the slashing mark did very little damage overall. Aaron knew Neil made his writing illegible on purpose, but he still had yet to get any proof of it. Unable to risk getting caught in Neil’s stare, Aaron instead eyed the place where Neil had his pen still pressed on the page. A blot of ink slowly spread from its point, beginning to take over what Aaron thought might have been the word enzyme but could have been a doodle of a snake.
He could feel the beginnings of a heated flush creeping across his cheeks at the stretching silence, and he did his best to tamp it down into submission. Telling himself again that embarrassment over this was unnecessary, he went over his points once more in his head. Over the past week he had struggled to organize his thoughts, endless arguments looping nightly. Now, with the door closed and the familiar routine a balm to his anxiety, Aaron figured it would be as good a time to ask as any. Waiting for Neil to reboot, Aaron set aside his own homework and turned to face him fully.
Neil blinked twice, his head doing a little shake as trying to physically organize his thoughts back into order. Aaron could almost see it as Neil’s expression went back to normal, everything in his brain shifting through the layers of webbing to slot into place.
The pen lifted from the page, and Neil very carefully clicked the cap on to avoid any further stains. With a small sigh, he hauled himself up off of his stomach, mirroring Aaron’s position on the floor to face him. Folding his hands carefully in his lap, Neil blinked at him. “What the actual fuck, Aaron.”
He shrugged his shoulders, forcing them to stay loose. “I need you to kiss me,” he repeated. And then, because he was an idiot, “For science.”
Neil’s gaze swiftly turned four degrees past unimpressed, his mouth twisting and a brow cocking. “Science. You need me to kiss you for science?”
“Yes,” Aaron said, trying to ignore the way his fingers refused to stop picking at the loose threads at the end of his ever too long jeans. At Neil’s continued silent judgment, Aaron huffed. “Wow, I’ll try not to be flattered by your excitement.”
“Fuck off,” Neil laughed, his frown finally breaking into a grin. When he kicked out to shove Aaron’s leg with his foot, Aaron smacked it away, crossing his arms and scowling at Neil’s mirth. He couldn’t admit to the importance of it, the urgency that followed the trail of quiet panic creeping through him since the thought first wriggled into his head. The buzzing anxiety rattling between his ribs grew with each passing moment, but Aaron grit his teeth against it.
“I’m serious.”
Neil’s smile fell, gaze turning sharp and calculating. The urge to squirm under it prickled under his skin, part of him hoping Neil would look away and make this easier, the other part of him relieved Neil never flinched away or dismissed him. Still, Aaron couldn’t stop the fret of his fingers or the slow hunch of his shoulders. Vulnerability, he knew, was not a strong suit of Minyards.
Finally, Neil shifted. Not towards Aaron, but away, leaning back on spread palms with his head tilted. “Why?”
Resisting the urge to roll his eyes, Aaron said, “I told you why.”
Neil’s brow cocked again. Jackass.
Hugging his knees to his chest, Aaron finally broke their stare, focusing instead on the hole beginning to appear in the knee of Neil’s jeans. “I’m just trying to figure some shit out, okay?”
He could see, in his peripheral, the way Neil softened. Micro adjustments in his posture and tension, quiet enough that Aaron’s practiced reaction of anger in the face of discomfort was neatly avoided.
Evenly, but not quietly because Neil didn’t care to practice quiet or comfort, Neil asked, “Is everything okay with Katelyn?”
“Yeah,” Aaron said easily, because it was.
With Katelyn he didn’t feel the weight of each breath or exhaustion of checking each motion and word. He existed in her orbit like he never quite managed anywhere else. He held the same sense of amazement as he had the first time Aaron saw her, spoke to her, heard her laugh. The smile she wore just for him a constant point of light and beauty and more than he ever deserved, her touch a miracle and revelation he was never quite sure how to have.
But.
Neil’s foot knocked his knee. A silent question, prodding without digging into soft tissue and worry born bruises.
Aaron’s fingers curled into the hem of his jeans. Swallowing, he forced himself to look Neil in the eye. “Andrew’s gay.”
The corner of Neil’s eye twitched. He hummed in agreement, waiting.
“And-“ Aaron’s next breath shook. His lungs unsure how to pull air in and still hold everything else, his ribs shuddered as they expanded. The words pushed out on his exhale, as if afraid he wouldn’t be able to voice them on his next breath. “And there’s some argument for sexual orientation having genetic factors and we’re twins, for fuck’s sake, like actual clones so if Andrew is gay then shouldn’t I be too?”
Neil let that settle, staring back at Aaron before slowly asking, “You think you’re gay?”
“I don’t know!” Aaron cried, frustration and confusion finally letting his anxiety crack and burst from the space he had shoved it into. “I should be, shouldn’t I?”
That made Neil’s face twist. “Do you feel gay?”
“The fuck does gay even feel like?” Aaron asked, exasperated.
Neil’s mouth twitched in a way Aaron knew meant he snapped his teeth down on a smartass comment. Clearing his throat, Neil shrugged, sitting up straight again. “And you thought, in all of your brilliant science wisdom, the best way to figure this out was to kiss me.”
“Yes,” Aaron said firmly. “You’re my best friend.”
“Ugh,” Neil groaned, his nose crinkling. “You’re such a sap.”
“Fuck you,” Aaron grumbled, shoving Neil’s shoulder.
He laughed, easily falling back onto his elbows. “Wow, Minyard. You haven’t even kissed me and you’re already trying to get into my pants?”
Aaron’s words stuttered out of him, the traitorous blush blooming across his cheeks in a way he knew was unflattering. At Neil’s sharp grin, Aaron snatched a pillow from his bed, hurling it at Neil’s face. His laughter muffled but no less bright, Neil let himself flop fully onto his back.
“I hate you,” Aaron hissed, still fighting his deepening flush.
Pulling the pillow off of is face, Neil grinned up at him. “Sure. Whatever you say.”
Quiet settled between them, Neil sticking the pillow under his head as he dropped his feet into Aaron’s lap, Aaron counting his breath in an attempt to settle his nerves. Though grateful, he couldn’t thank him for the reprieve, Aaron’s shirt feeling too tight on his skin. But Neil spent years becoming an expert in Minyard, could speak their language as easily as he could French and German. He let the quiet settle, let Aaron lock down the anxiety threatening to choke him. The weight on his shins a reminder of his company, Neil’s eyes closed to give Aaron the moment of privacy he needed.
After a few moments, Neil said, “I’m not going to kiss you.”
He expected it, but Aaron didn’t want to examine the pleasant emotion that swept through his gut at the words too closely. “Why not?”
“You’re all twitchy just talking about it.” Neil said. “I don’t need you just smashing your face into mine.”
“I’m a great kisser,” Aaron protested.
Neil snorted, opening his eyes and finding Aaron. “You’re my best friend, it would be too weird to kiss you.”
“Can’t you just-“ Aaron tossed his arms up, fists closing around nothing. Sighing, he looked up at the ceiling. “Can’t you just pretend I’m Andrew or something?”
The sound Neil made was half hysterical laugh and partly a strangled choking noise. Snapping his head back to check on him, Aaron found a strange expression on Neil’s face.
He frowned. “What?”
Shaking his head, Neil sat up, the expression clearing away. “Nothing,” he said, though his voice was still off. Before Aaron could press, Neil smiled at him, mischief shadowing the corners. “Besides, if I kissed you, you would definitely fall in love with me, and then where would we be?”
“You’re such an ass,” Aaron said, warm fondness curling in his chest.
Neil didn’t bother disagreeing, simply stretching over to pull Aaron’s laptop down from his desk, ignoring the homework still scattered across the floor. A sense of relief that loosened his shoulders, a breath easing from his lungs.
Maybe Aaron was being ridiculous about this whole kissing thing. Without complaint, he let the matter drop.
Andrew stood waiting for him at the door, because as much as Andrew liked to complain and mope and threaten to leave without him, Aaron knew Andrew would wait forever if he needed to. He idly swung the keys around his finger, but stopped when he caught sight of Aaron, his face tugging into his version of a frown. Raising a brow at him, Aaron started to tug on his shoes.
“What?”
Andrew blinked at him. “Those are mine.”
Looking up at his brother, Aaron followed his gaze to his pants. Now that Andrew had mentioned it, the soft fabric clung to him a little tighter than Aaron normally wore, but he had simply grabbed the first pair of black jeans off his pile. He hadn’t even noticed when he put them on that they were Andrew’s.
Rolling his eyes, Aaron bent back down to grab his other boot. “How can you even tell?”
“Because those are my gay jeans.”
Aaron’s fingers froze where they wrapped around his shoe, eyes widening. “What?” His voice was slightly strangled, gaze snapping back to his legs. “Are these the pants you make out with guys in?”
Andrew just looked at him as if he was being particularly thick. “Yeah, Aaron,” he said slowly, pulling the words like taffy and packing them with sarcasm. “Those are the pants I ‘make out’ in.”
“Oh my god,” Aaron whispered, before spinning around and sprinting back up the stairs, abandoning his boot to the floor.
Slamming back into his room, Aaron fought to get the pants off, the material sticking to his thighs and refusing to let go. Blinking down, Aaron groaned.
“Jesus-fucking-“ Apparently panic turned his entire brain off.
Fumbling with the zipper, he finally managed to yank the pants down past his knees, and promptly lost his balance, toppling to the floor. Tugging at the jeans, he struggled to get them over his calves, one sock sliding off in his flailing.
“Are you possessed?” Andrew asked mildly from his doorway.
Aaron looked up at him from his pretzeled position on the floor, bordering on hysterics. “I can’t get these stupid pants off,” he snapped.
Andrew cocked a brow at him. “Most people just pull them down their legs. Not-“ he waved a hand in Aaron’s direction- “whatever this is.”
“They won’t come off, Andrew!”
His brother only sighed, stomping into the room. Swatting Aaron’s hands away, he grabbed one of his ankles, tugging the forgotten boot off of his foot and dropping it to the floor. “Did you bash your thick head against something recently?”
Aaron scowled, finally managing to shimmy out of the jeans. “No. Why the hell do you own pants that tight?”
“They make my ass pop,” Andrew deadpanned. “You going to tell me what that display was about?”
Reaching across the floor, Aaron snagged a semi clean pair of his pants, doing his best to give Andrew a death glare while stepping into them. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Humming a flat note, Andrew gave Aaron one last unimpressed look before turning on his heel. “Get your shit together and let’s go.”
He flipped his brother’s back off, sucking in a shaking breath. They were just jeans. A fucking pair of pants. They didn’t mean anything. Casting one last look at his legs, Aaron swiped his shoe from the floor and quickly followed.
He turned to start the fifth circuit of his room, well on his way to wearing a hole in his carpet. “It’s fine,” he reassured himself. “It’s no big deal, right? Right. Completely fine.”
He was facing the window, mid step, when Nicky said from behind him, “What’s no big deal?”
Aaron jumped a mile in the air, spinning and knocking over half the contents of his desk onto the floor with a clatter. “Jesus fuck,” he said, putting a hand over his thundering heart. Glaring at his cousin, he complained, “Ever heard of knocking?”
Nicky shrugged, unbothered. He had a laundry basket in his hands, the bright pink plastic almost blinding. “You know the rules, Aaron. Open door means free game for my amazing self.” He lifted the basket a few inches. “And it’s laundry day, so if you want clean clothes, fork over your shit cause I know you won’t do it.”
“I can do my laundry,” Aaron said, only slightly petulant.
“I’ll believe it when I see it,” Nicky said, rolling his eyes, even as his grin grew. “We’re trying to avoid appliance casualties in this house, remember?”
Aaron scowled. “That was one time and it was like seven years ago!” He refused to be shamed for not knowing the proper dose of liquid detergent. Besides, they had cleaned all the bubbles up. Even if he and Andrew had originally made it worse by trying to see who could slide the farthest through them. He crossed his arms over his chest, grumbling, “And we use the pods now.”
Nicky laughed, bright and loud. Stepping into the room, he dropped the basket with a heavy thump, reaching down to swipe up a pair of pants from Aaron’s floor. Straightening, a look of confusion tugged at his face. “Aren’t these Andrew’s?”
And Aaron panicked, because they were those jeans.
“I’m straight,” he blurted out.
That brought Nicky up short, his brows shooting up to his hairline. He blinked at Aaron, and Aaron stood very still, hoping that if he didn’t move, Nicky would just leave. But Nicky, as much as he liked to pretend otherwise, was much smarter than people gave him credit for. Aaron saw the moment his confusion changed to amusement, the quirk to his mouth and glint in his eye.
“Sure, sure,” Nicky agreed easily, dropping the jeans into the laundry basket. “So is spaghetti until it’s wet.”
Aaron stared at his cousin. He took everything back about calling Nicky smart. “What the fuck does that even mean?”
Nicky tossed his hands up, still amused. “I’m just saying, don’t knock it till you try it. Dip your toe in the water, you know?”
“I tried!” Aaron cried, a little louder than he meant to. “I asked Neil to kiss me but he said no!”
A heavy thump drew both of their attention, just in time to see Andrew practically fall out of his room, wide eyed and flushed.
“Andrew, what-“ Nicky started.
“What did you just say?” Andrew cut him off, staring at Aaron.
He blinked at his brother. He looked dishevelled and slightly wild, one hand splayed on the hallway wall to catch himself from falling, hair sticking in every which way and his shirt half twisted. It was a jarring sight when Andrew usually looked unruffled and bored by anything and everything. “The fuck were you doing?”
Andrew stared at him, chest still rising and falling at a slightly concerning rate. Then he pushed off the wall, tugged his shirt straight, and made a poor attempt at smoothing down his hair. “Nothing. What did you say about Neil?”
Aaron narrowed his eyes at him. Andrew tried to hide it, but Aaron knew he had a massive crush on Neil. Still, he wouldn’t say anything until Andrew did, and Andrew would never say anything because Neil was Aaron’s friend and Andrew was worse with emotions than Aaron was.
But as his brother, Aaron felt obligated to torment him. Just a little. So he shrugged, letting a smile bloom across his face. “Oh, just asked if I could kiss him. No big deal.” He cocked his head, knowing the faux innocent expression he went for was ruined by his smug tone. “Why? Did you need something?”
Andrew stood stock still, fingers frozen in his hair. They stared at each other for nearly a full minute, Andrew not even blinking. Then he jerked a thumb over his shoulder, towards his door. “Yeah. I just- need to-“
Without finishing, he turned on his heel and went back to his room, slamming the door closed behind him.
Aaron and Nicky stared after him for a moment before his cousin let out a low whistle. “Wow. That boy has it bad.”
“It’s embarrassing,” Aaron agreed.
Nicky turned back to him, his grin only growing. “But let’s talk about-“
Aaron shoved the laundry basket back into his arms and slammed his door shut before he could finish.
“I think I might be gay.”
Katelyn snorted her water through her nose, face reddening and a violent coughing fit taking over. Rushing to grab the tissues from the counter, he ran back and handed her the box. Maybe Aaron should find better ways to ease into these conversations.
She stared up at him, still coughing and tears prickling at her eyes. The sight made Aaron’s heart break, and he fell back to his spot beside her on the couch, unsure how to comfort. Katelyn continued to watch him out of the corner of her eye, wiping her face and trying to catch her breath. Aaron never wanted to see her cry, see her upset, and he hated that he was the reason for it.
With a final sniff, Katelyn tossed the ball of tissues onto the coffee table. Spinning around to face Aaron, her leg a swung up onto the couch, shin brushing his thigh. Propping one elbow on the back of the couch, she laced her fingers together, and suddenly she didn’t look so upset. Serious, contemplative, but the tears were gone.
“Are you breaking up with me?”
“No!” Aaron said immediately, the very thought sending a sick lurch through his entire body.
“But you think you’re gay,” she said, words tilting up at the end in an almost question.
Aaron nodded, rubbing his sweaty palms on his pants.
“Can I ask why?”
Katelyn could ask him anything she wanted. Mirroring her position, he made sure to look her in the eye. She deserved honesty, and Aaron would give her nothing less.
“Andrew’s gay, and we’re twins,” he said.
She nodded, waiting. When he only sat there, she blinked at him. “That’s it? Andrew’s gay so you’re gay too?”
Well it sounded ridiculous, said like that. “Well, no because there’s genetic factors, right?”
“Sure,” Katelyn said slowly, she had been in that lecture too. He could see her brain connecting the dots, putting the jumbled pieces he had dropped together. “But they also said genetics wasn’t the reason behind it.”
Aaron swallowed, and quietly admitted, “I wore Andrew’s gay pants.”
Katelyn was quiet for a beat before she burst into a fit of giggles, quickly slapping a hand over her mouth. “Sorry, sorry,” she said, quickly composing herself. She nodded seriously, motioning him to continue.
Unfortunately, Aaron didn’t have much more to go on. Groaning, he flopped back against the couch, staring up at the ceiling. “What if I’m gay and just don’t know it? I asked Neil to kiss me but he wouldn’t so how am I supposed to know?”
“You asked Neil to kiss you?”
Aaron shot back up, panic spreading in his chest. “Shit, Kate, not like- I just wanted to know if it would be the same as kissing you and Neil’s my best friend so I figured that would be easiest and-“ he cut himself off, horror and mortification turning him cold. “Fuck,” he choked out, “I’m so sorry.”
“Hey,” she soothed, reaching for him.
Aaron took pride in knowing his own strength, had dragged himself out of the shithole of his childhood with bloody fingers and gritted teeth. But when Katelyn’s arms opened he fell forward, wrapping his arms around her waist and clinging as tightly as he could. Burying his face into Katelyn’s shoulder, Aaron breathed in the warm sugar smell of home, wondering if it was the last time he would be able to. Not for the first time, he wondered at his luck to be able to hold her, only for the cold dreaded realization of ruin to crept back in.
Gentle hands swept down his back, drawing slow circles. She rocked them slightly, and Aaron moved with it. Her mouth pressed against his temple, not quite a kiss.
“Do you want to kiss Neil?”
Aaron made a sound in the back of his throat. He didn’t want to let go, didn’t want to be the idiot he always failed to grow out of. Katelyn tugged on his earlobe, and he loosed a breath. “I just wanted to compare,” he said against her shirt. “It was stupid.”
“You’re not stupid,” Katelyn said forcefully, as if hearing the words rattling in his brain. “Don’t say that, Aaron.”
His arms tightened a little more around her. Fingers found his hair. Eased out a knot. Gentle like he hadn’t known before Katelyn. It made the lump in his throat grow, his chest fracture.
Carefully, Katelyn asked, “Do you want to date Neil?”
“No,” Aaron said immediately, shaking his head. “Absolutely not.”
“Do you want to date other guys?”
“No,” Aaron said again, finally pulling back enough to look her in the eye. “I just want you.”
Something in her gaze softened, the smile she gave him warm and small and so, so beautiful. She kissed him, soft and sweet, thumbs brushing his cheekbones, and every synapse in Aaron’s brain lit up. Honey gold light slowly filled him, curling into every nook and curve of his body. It left him weak in the knees, made him feel like he could do anything. Sparks caught as a warm hand brushed down his back to pull the tension from his shoulders, and Aaron took his first breath in a long time.
Katelyn pulled back, and Aaron ducked to press a kiss to her jaw, still holding her close. “I’m sorry,” he said against her neck. “I should have talked to you first.”
“Maybe,” Katelyn allowed, resting her cheek on his head. “But I trust you, Aaron.”
And that would always be the greatest thing he could ever receive.
His student card was missing. Actually, his entire wallet was gone, because he had left it at Katelyn’s dorm. But he needed his student card to get into the computer lab to download a pdf he had forgotten. Luckily, Aaron’s suffering included twin, and what better use for someone with an identical face than this exact reason?
Scrolling through his email, Aaron rapped his knuckles once against Andrew’s door before pushing inside. “Hey, Andrew I need- OH MY GOD!”
Dropping his phone, Aaron slammed both hands over his eyes and whipped back around.
“Yeah a closed door means come on in,” Andrew said, and Aaron could hear the annoyance dripping from his voice. After a moment where Aaron still hadn’t moved, Andrew let out a long suffering sigh. “In or out, Aaron.”
Slowly, so fucking slowly, Aaron lowered his hands and turned around. He had been deliriously hoping that what he had witnessed would have been nothing but a hallucination, but no. Andrew still sat leaning back against his bed glaring daggers at him, and there, straddling his lap with all of the ease of belonging there: Neil.
They all stared at each other for a moment, unmoving.
“What,” Andrew started, but Aaron stopped listening, focusing on Neil.
“Oh,” he said, dragging out the word. “I see how it is. You won’t kiss me, your best friend having a crisis, but you’ll kiss Andrew.”
Neil furrowed his brows at him, but didn’t even have the decency to look embarrassed. “Andrew and I have been dating for three months.”
What- “What the fuck?” Aaron said. He looked to Andrew, but Andrew wasn’t even paying attention, eyes half closed as Neil’s fingers absently played with his hair.
“Besides,” Neil continued, like nothing weird was happening, like Aaron wasn’t suffering from his entire reality shifting, “are you still on that?”
Andrew made a small noise in the back of his throat, fingers tugging Neil’s shirt in question.
Neil turned back to him. “Aaron thought he was gay,” he explained, the fucking traitor.
Aaron watched Andrew’s fingers tuck themselves into the pockets of Neil’s jeans, neither of them seeming uncomfortable with the position. His brother turned to look at him, and Aaron suddenly felt very exposed. “Do you want to kiss Kevin?”
“What?!” Aaron blinked at Andrew, but he only stared back silently. “No!”
“Kevin’s the hottest guy you know,” Andrew said. Neil made an offended noise, undercut by the corner of his mouth lifting. Andrew quirked a brow. “Come back to me when you don’t look like you just crawled out of the discount bin at Goodwill.”
Laughing, Neil tugged on a lock of Andrew’s hair. “Dick. Focus, your brother is having a meltdown.”
Andrew sighed, turning back to Aaron. “What about Captain Sunshine? Val Jean? Boyd? Feel like taking a swing with any of them?”
Aaron wondered if it was too late to be a single child. A friendless, single child. “I’d rather eat glass.”
Neil’s snort almost drowned out Andrew’s huff. “What about Katelyn,” Neil asked. “You want to kiss her?”
Aaron wasn’t sure what kind of face he made, but whatever it was made the two of them share a look. Seriously, how the fuck had he missed this happening?
“You’re not gay, Aaron,” Andrew said. “Think for two seconds with that brain of yours and stop being needlessly stupid.”
“Fuck you,” Aaron said, because that was familiar ground and it was easier than admitting Andrew was right.
Andrew hummed, his glare sliding back into place. “Now get out, I was in the middle of something.”
Neil’s grin was wide and full of sharp amusement. “I thought I was nothing?”
“I’m literally still standing right here,” Aaron complained.
“I wish you weren’t,” Andrew shot back.
Aaron flipped him off. “I need your student card, asshole. I left mine at Kate’s.”
After another moment of glaring, Andrew moved to brace a hand against Neil’s back before tipping forward, holding Neil up as he reached for his wallet on his chair. Neil moved with him easily, arms slung loose around Andrew’s shoulders.
“You guys are gross,” Aaron said, knowing his tone betrayed him.
The grin Neil shot him only confirmed it. “You say the sweetest things,” he cooed.
Catching the wallet thrown at his face, Aaron pointed a finger at both of them in warning. “You’re not allowed to skip out on plans with me just to fuck around, got it?”
Andrew gasped, putting a hand over his heart. “You wound me, brother. I would never.”
“I might,” Neil said with a shrug.
“I hate you both,” Aaron said pleasantly, closing the door on Neil’s laugh behind him.
Carding his fingers gently through Katelyn’s hair, Aaron let the soft sound of her breathing wash over him. The feel of her, the weight of her head on his chest, her hand resting on his ribs, felt like the only thing keeping him on earth.
Sleep tugged at him, but he pressed a kiss to the top of her head before it could take him under. “I’m not gay,” he told her quietly, words low and fuzzy.
She propped herself up on an elbow, taking a moment to look down at their tangled legs and mussed sheets. “Wow,” she said slowly, eyes laughing as she kissed the corner of his mouth. “I never would have guessed.”