Chapter Text
You Are The Reason
Chapter 1 - Hopeless Now
He couldn’t sleep. She filled his mind and heart. You would think that after what he had been through with Rooster, that would be what kept him awake, but no. It was her. It was the hurt in her eyes. Her unshed tears. The sense of betrayal that he got from her although she had never voiced it.
When he finally managed to drift off briefly, once in a while, all he saw in his dreams were her eyes. The look of utter heartbreak on every inch of her face. He would wake up, panting. His face wet from tears.
He felt horrible.
His body was bruised everwhere. He had several broken ribs and he suspected a minor concussion. Pulling 10G’s, avoiding a large number of SAMS and punching out of a disintegrating F-18 was no joke. Then stealing an F-14 Tomcat, flying like mad and fighting 5th gen fighters before crash landing on the carrier. His body had taken quite a bit of a toll lately.
It was obvious why Cyclone and Warlock had ordered him to rest.
And an order it was. He was restless, frustrated. He felt sick.
The bodily injuries hurt, but they were overshadowed by his feelings. He couldn’t concentrate. He was unable to find rest. He didn’t feel comfortable anywhere. He was like a lion in a cage, pacing back and forth on the carrier, night and day. He was distracted, his mind constantly occupied with the thoughts of her.
He was guilt-ridden. He was desperate to get back to her, fix what he had broken when he left.
She had held on to him so tight on their last night together. When he felt worst, he would close his eyes and feel her arms around him. He would smell her hair. Feel her soft lips against his. And when he was forced back to reality, he buried his face in his hands and let go.
Sometimes he could hear her voice in his dreams. See the smile she had sent him just before he told her he was leaving. It haunted him. Some nights he wondered if he would ever be whole again if she refused to forgive him. If she told that him this was it. That she was done. He wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to bounce back from that. He would understand - but would he survive it?
When he first returned to North Island he had been beyond pleased to see her. Her response had been a surprise, but he respected her and knew that if she didn’t want another round, he would never push her.
It had been her decision entirely.
And when she had invited him back into her heart… he had never felt that happy before. That night he had known they were going to be together for the rest of their lives. And when he had told her, she had looked at him in utter disbelief before pushing him out of her window.
It had come out in a clumsy way. He should have waited to tell her till the next day. Taken her out for a walk in the sunset and told her how much he loved her. Instead it had come out in haste, sounding almost like a joke. The past few days he had often kicked himself for telling her that way.
Sighing heavily he gave up and got out of bed, getting dressed again. Checking his watch he realized it was very, very early in the morning. In a couple of hours, the sun would start to rise, and the dawn would bring a bit of the relief he was desperately yearning for.
He walked up to the carrier deck, deciding for himself that some fresh air might help ease the pain in his chest slightly.
It was still pitch dark when he made it out there.
Momentarily forgetting his broken ribs, he inhaled deeply, then winced.
“Dammit” he muttered, leaning against the battered Tomcat they had stolen from the enemy. Drawing a few, shallow breaths he recovered, the pain subsiding slowly.
Walking around the deck, he checked on the remaining F-18’s, discovering they had been re-equipped with bombs. They were ready to be sent off again, despite slightly bent airframes after the heavy G’s they had pulled out there. They would probably need a bigger make-over when they made it back to base.
Back. To North Island.
To her.
His hand ran over the side of an F-18. And then it struck him. It wouldn’t be long till they were 2,000 miles from base. That was the approximate range of an F-18. Perhaps he wouldn’t have to wait? He could steal one of them and head back, but he should probably try asking first. If they said no he could always sneak out here and steal one.
He didn’t care much for the consequences anymore.
The sense of desperation was dominating him, surpressing whatever was left of good sense in him. It had never been his strengt to be sensible. But what little of it he had, was definitely being overshadowed by the emotional burden he was carrying.
Stealing another F-18 and flying back home after being grounded on medical terms would probably earn him a court martial and a dishonorable discharge at the very least. It might even land him in the brig. And then what good would it all have done? Then he would be separated from her for even longer.
He grimaced, rubbing his temples. His head was pounding. Walking up the outside stairs, he sat down on the deck, facing the ocean.
‘Just don’t break her heart again’
Amelias words came back to him. The look in her eyes, pleading him to be gentle with Penny’s heart. Again. Meaning she had seen her mother’s heartbreak before. Three years previously no doubt. Maybe even earlier than that too.
He was surprised she didn’t resent him. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he shook his head, trying to shake the image of the teenager out of his mind. He had let them both down. Wondering what Amelia thought of him now, made his stomach clench. Would she accept him after this? Would she resent him?
“Everything alright Captain?”
He hadn’t even heard the hatch open next to him. Consumed by thoughts of Penny and Amelia tended to do that - distract his thoughts to a point where his other senses were numbed.
Looking up, he realized it was Admiral Bates. He moved to get up but the admiral gestured for him to remain seated.
“Fine - just needed some fresh air” he said, trying to steady himself.
“Oh cut the crap Maverick” Bates said, giving him a stern look.
He had failed miserably it seemed. So much for steadying himself. Bates moved to sit next to him, both of them facing the pitch black ocean now.
“You barely eat, you don’t sleep and you never show up for social stuff below deck - what’s going on?” His tone was brusque, but filled with concern.
He said nothing. He didn’t know what to say. It was true.
“If you need a debrief I understand - or is it painkillers? I can get the corpsman to get you some?”
“Thanks sir,” he began but was intererrupted;
“Let’s forget all that for a sec. Out here it’s Warlock” His voice a bit less brusque now, and more welcoming.
He smiled; “Alright, Warlock, I don’t need painkillers and I’m fine with the way the mission turned out. The most important part was that we all got back in once piece”.
Warlock looked at him for a minute, eyes narrowed.
“Alright - so what’s her name?”
This time he chuckled. Was it really that obvious? Apparently it was.
“Penny, Penny Benjamin” he admitted, smiling sadly as he stared into the horizon. Images of her flooded his mind again.
“I didn’t realize you two were involved?” Warlock asked.
“That’s the million dollar question” he said quietly, rubbing his hands together nervously.
Warlock remained silent, merely looking at him. Dammit. He hated being this transparent. No one could possibly understand what this all meant to him. No one would ever understand why he was in pain. You would think that after thirty some years on-again-off-again, he would be okay with being away from her.
Only this time he wasn’t. Something had changed between them recently. He didn’t quite understand what it was, but perhaps time had a bit to do with it. He had always had feelings for her. At first it was a crush on a beautiful girl. Then it became a fun, easy thing between them whenever he was in North Island. Then she had become a safe haven. And most recently… his everything.
“I promised her I would stay this time” he said quietly, looking straight ahead but not really seeing what was out there.
“And she was angry when you left?” Warlock asked.
He shook his head; “Worse”.
Warlock frowned, offering him a confused look.
“She understood. She was crushed, but she understood” he said, his voice shaking slightly. He swallowed the lump in his throat, a few treacherous tears escaping. He wiped them away quickly, hoping Warlock hadn’t noticed.
Warlock nodded; “I see”.
They were quiet for a while. The sound of the ocean loud in his ears all of a sudden.
“So the reason you don’t sleep and barely eat is her?” Warlock asked, looking sideways at him.
“I need to see her,” he nodded; “I can’t get the look in her eyes out of my mind”.
Warlock padded his arm; “Just a few more days now”.
He shook his head, not sure he would survive much longer. His insides were shaking. He felt uncomfortable. Sick.
“We’ll be 2,000 miles from shore later today” he said, aware that his suggestion was controversial.
“You’re grounded because of your injuries Maverick” Warlock said, frowning at him again.
“I know - but they’re nothing compared to the rest of me” he said, feeling as though his heart was about to burst with pain.
“Maverick your injuries are no joke - you could get seriously ill up there and crash” Warlock said, seriously, sincere concern etched in his voice.
“If I don’t get back there soon I’ll lose it completely” he said, pressing it further than he would have normally. Even between the two of them, he knew he was pushing it.
Warlock sighed, nodding. It seemed he finally appreciated the extent of it. Then he smiled;
“I’ll talk to Cyclone”
“Thanks” he said, a tiny spark of hope lighting up inside him.
“You know Maverick, I’ve been deployed a number of times too, but I always knew my wife was at home, waiting for me to return - you like to make things complicated don’t you?” Warlock said, chuckling, undoubtedly trying to lighten things up a bit.
He smiled; “Maybe, but this time it’s been different somehow” he admitted, thinking about her first words to him after he returned to North Island; ‘it always ends the same with us Pete - let’s not start this time’.
And yet they had started again. She had shown him faith. Yet here he was, away from her again.
“How long have you known her?” Warlock asked, curiosity in his voice.
“30-some years on and off” he said quietly, rubbing his hands again.
“Whoa”
He nodded. Whoa indeed. It was a long time. Somehow it didn’t feel like it had been that long. It felt more like it had been a minute since he first saw her. Young. Long, dark brown hair. Warm, beautiful smile. Blue eyes. Those eyes. She had been radiant then - and she still was.
“Come on Maverick, get back inside, get some rest” Warlock said, getting up, offering him a hand.
He took it, and got back on his feet. The two of them went back inside through the hatch.
“I’ll be down to see you once I’ve talked to Cyclone.” Warlock said, nodding at him.
“Thanks sir” he said, saluting.
Warlock smiled and saluted in return before turning around, walking up stairs towards the bridge. He breathed a small sigh of relief, his ribs protesting a bit before he headed back down to his compartment.
He felt a bit better. A bit relieved that there might be a chance for him to head back sooner. Not bothering to change, he lay down in his bunk, closing his eyes. He still couldn’t sleep, but he felt a bit more relaxed than he had in a while.
Perhaps he would be headed home soon. The thought was almost too good to be true. It would require a small miracle to talk Cyclone into putting him back into the air. But maybe he would be lucky.
His head was spinning. Warlock had a point. It was risky to go up there with the injuries he had sustained. Pulling even more G’s when you had broken ribs and a concussion was not a wise choice. Only thing was he knew that if he didn’t get home to her soon he would fall apart. It was no joke.
For the first time in his life he had someone that was more important to him than adventure and adrenalin. For the first time in his career he felt like something made more sense than duty. He had been desperate to become teamleader and when he had been appointed, he felt both relief and sorrow. Now that it was all over, he didn’t want to be here anymore.
A knock on the hatch brought him back to reality in an instant. He got up too fast and had to grab the frame of the bunkbed to steady himself.
“Yeah” he said, trying to make it look casual that he was leaning against the bed.
“Hey Mav”
Rooster stepped in, all smiles. He returned the smile, feeling slightly disappointed. He had hoped it was Warlock or Cyclone.
“Morning” he said, sitting back down on the edge of the bed.
“You look like shit” Rooster said, sitting down in a chair opposite him, looking worried.
He chuckled; “That’s putting it mildly”.
He felt no need to hide it anymore. The cat was already out of the bag. He met Roosters gaze, finding it full of concern.
“It’s Penny isn’t it?” Rooster asked quietly.
He looked at Rooster in surprise; “How did you…?”
But he was cut off by Rooster’s smirk; “Because I have eyes - and I have never seen anyone look at someone else the way you look at her”.
He smiled sadly, wishing they could change the subject. He was too exhausted to hold it back. He rubbed his eyes to buy himself time. When he opened his eyes again, Rooster was standing in front of him, hand outstretched.
Confused, he took it and Rooster pulled him up from the bed and into a hug. It was completely unexpected. He had not been the slightest bit prepared for this.
And then the dam broke. There was no more holding back. Surpressed emotions flooded him like a river overflowing. The despair and guilt overwhelming him completely. He fell apart right then and there. He didn’t even have the energy to be embarassed for losing composure.
Rooster rubbed his back gently, hugging him tight until he calmed down.
He was much more like his father than he would ever know, he thought as they pulled apart and their eyes met. Goose would have done the exact same thing if he had been there. Rooster looked like him. He talked like him.
Although he had lost his best friend that fateful day many years ago, he still had a part of him left. Rooster was the spitting image of Goose. And he had never been more grateful to have Rooster there with him than he was at this very moment.
He let Rooster go and exhaled, feeling just a bit relieved. Once again Rooster smiled and he frowned, wondering what on earth made him smile now. The very last thing he felt like doing was smiling.
Probably sensing his confusion, Rooster gestured to hatch; “You should come up in the mess hall”.
He shook his head, feeling nauseous; “I’m not hungry”.
Rooster smirked; “ Actually you have to - orders from Cyclone”.
Now he was really confused; “since when does he get to decide whether I eat or not?”. There had to be boundaries. What would be next? You have to eat, this you can’t eat that?! The idea was absurd.
“Since he gave both of us orders to return to North Island this afternoon” Rooster said, smiling warmly.
It was like an electric current ran through him, nailing him to the spot. As much as he had hoped for this he had never really dared to expect it. He was going back today. Only a few more hours and he would see her again.
He felt as though he had been diving for a long time and had finally come up for air. He was shocked. He was relieved. He was thrilled. He was terrified. He prayed with everything he had inside him that she would forgive him. Give them another chance.
A few seconds of utter numbness and disbelief were suddenly replaced by a smile. The first in several days.
“There’s only one catch” Rooster said and his heart stopped, then sank a bit. Now what?
“What?” He asked sharply, almost afraid to ask.
“Cyclone ordered me to fly you back - which means you’ll be my back seater” Rooster looked genuinely concerned for his response, but he merely smiled, shaking his head;
“That’s certainly a first, but I’ll be honored to have you fly us both back” he said, chuckling.
Rooster smiled broadly and the two of them headed upstairs together. His heart was beating again - he could breathe again. He was going home.
~*~