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The first thing Hyunjin does when they get to their dressing room backstage is to go over to one of the couches and lay down. He’s felt bloated and kind of sick all day, and he doesn’t know why. He just hopes he isn’t coming down with something, he doesn’t have time for that while they’re in the middle of comeback. Their whole schedule right now is just going from one performance to the next of the same song, over and over again.
So he tries not to think about why he feels so gross, he could’ve just eaten something, and it will pass in an hour. Or maybe he’s just tired because this is their third place to perform today. Either way, there’s no need to stress over it unless he gets worse. Felix comes to sit beside him, pushing the hair out of Hyunjin’s face with a soft smile. “Are you feeling okay?” He asks, of course catching onto the first sign that something is wrong.
“I don’t know.” Hyunjin mumbles, really annoyed at Felix’s question for no reason at all. The strong emotion takes him by surprise, and he knows that it’s irrational, so he takes a deep breath and tries to give a real answer. “I’m bloated, it’s probably nothing.” He says, everyone feels a little off sometimes, it’s nothing out of the normal.
“Okay, just tell me if it gets worse.” Felix says, his eyes flickering down to Hyunjin stomach for a moment as if he knows what’s going on. It’s probably just in Hyunjin’s head though because there’s nothing to know, nothing is going on. He watches Felix go to get his hair and makeup touched up, never taking his eyes off of how beautiful he looks. They’re already styled form the previous performances, but small changes are done to freshen up their look.
While Hyunjin watches him, his stomach suddenly starts to cramp up and feel worse. He should tell Felix like he promised, but that would mean telling the stylists too, and he doesn’t feel like everyone knowing that he’s having trouble digesting something. Curling up a little tighter around his stomach, he rubs the area that hurts and tries to lie completely still, but it doesn’t help.
The cramps are weird, they don’t feel like they’re coming from his actual stomach or intestines, but where else would they be coming from? And it doesn’t really matter why he’s in pain, it just matters that he feels worse every minute. When it looks like Felix is almost done, Hyunjin feels bad enough to never want to move again, and this should be the point where he tells someone.
He doesn’t have time to figure out who to tell or how before he suddenly feels like he’s going to puke, nausea making cold sweat break out all over his skin. He slowly sits up, still kind of hoping that this is just heartburn or something, but he doesn’t feel any better. There’s a gag building in his throat that lets him know that he should get to a bathroom, fast.
Someone asks him if he’s okay when he gets up, but he ignores them in his sudden rush to get to the bathroom, speed walking out of the room with only one goal in mind. He slams through the door, barely taking the time to make sure it’s closed before he drops to the floor in front of the toilet and heaves.
Undigested food immediately rushes up his throat, burning and making him feel like he’ll drown when he doesn’t have time to breathe between heaves. Someone comes into the bathroom and crouches down behind him, and Hyunjin knows that it’s Felix before he says anything to confirm it.
“Okay, you’re okay, it’ll pass soon, just let it out.” Felix says, his hands gathering Hyunjin’s hair at the back of his head before one of his hands come down to rub between Hyunjin’s shoulder blades. Felix’s movements easily follow Hyunjin when retches curl through him, bringing up more food than he was aware he had eaten, and it’s so gross that it makes him gag again.
“Breathe, Hyun.” Felix says, and Hyunjin tries, but he doesn’t even get half a breath in before more stomach acid is rushing out of him. It takes too long for his stomach to calm down, waves of nausea washing over him long after he’s topped bringing anything up. In reality, the whole ordeal probably only lasts a few minutes, but it feels much longer.
“Are you good?” Felix asks when Hyunjin has stopped gagging, pulling at him so Hyunjin leans back against his chest. Hyunjin just nods, not sure if he’s okay. That came on so fast, and his stomach hurts much more now. It feels like he is being stabbed in his lower stomach.
“I swear, if you got me pregnant-” Hyunjin cuts himself off when a realization hits him. This has to be related to his stupid uterus, but he’s not pregnant, not at all. Felix tenses up behind him, probably genuinely concerned about that. The hormones Hyunjin takes makes it much less likely to happen, but it is not impossible by any means.
“What?” Felix urges him on, but Hyunjin doesn’t reply. He stands up, leaving Felix confused on the floor and pulls down his pants just enough to see what’s going on. Just like he feared, what meets him is blood. In a panic, he just pulls them back up and stares at the wall in front of him, swallowing down the sob building in his throat.
Felix understands right away, standing up too and pulling him into a hug, and Hyunjin can’t hold back the tears any longer. He got his period, at the worst possible timing, after almost a year of nothing. He knows that some people have lighter periods after starting hormones, but Hyunjin wasn’t that lucky. His got so much worse. While they were bearable before, at least in the physical sense, they make him so sick now.
“No.” Hyunjin cries, he doesn’t want it to be true, but the cramps and blood are hard to ignore now that he knows. He isn’t prepared for this at all, he never is, because he never expects it to happen again. He thinks it’s the last time every time, hormones are supposed to stop them, but here it is, back and ready to make the next week horrible in every sense of the word.
“We’ll figure it out, Hyun. Just like every other time.” Felix says softly, but that’s easy for him to say, he has no idea how this feels. Felix has never had his body betray him like this before, and even if he knew how the physical pain felt, he will never know the emotional toll it takes on Hyunjin to be reminded that his body doesn’t fit him.
“I don’t have anything.” Hyunjin says, meaning period products or spare underwear. He should have it, but he doesn’t because he doesn’t even want to think about the possibility of this ever happening.
“I’ll get something, will you be okay alone for a moment?” Felix says, always ready to help Hyunjin when he needs it. Hyunjin nods and lets Felix go, wanting nothing more than to change before he bleeds everywhere. When Felix leaves, Hyunjin leans back against the wall and hangs his head with a silent sob. He’s emotional from the hormones, but that only adds to the horrible feeling of being in a body that doesn’t fit.
If he had just been born right, he wouldn’t be dealing with this, but he couldn’t even do that. And in all of his attempts to correct the mistake, he can never escape it. It will keep coming back to hit him in the face, whether it’s through having a period, or being called his deadname, or being misgendered, or seeing his body in the mirror, it’s all reminders of something he doesn’t want to be real.
When Felix comes back, Hyunjin quickly dries his face, but more tears replace them almost immediately. Felix has a small black toiletry bag in his hands, discreet enough that no one would think anything of it, and when he opens it, it reveals everything Hyunjin needs. Clean underwear, different types of pads, tampons, painkillers, and a period cup.
“Where did you get all of this?” Hyunjin says, but he recognizes all of it as his own, the things he has stuffed away somewhere, only to look at when this happens. Other than the underwear, those are just one of his regular pairs.
“You’re never prepared, so I am.” Felix says, and Hyunjin kisses him in thanks before pushing him out of the door so he can clean himself up. He loves Felix, but this is one of the things he has to do on his own. He takes one of the painkillers before reluctantly starting to clean himself up, hating this more than he could ever put into words.
When Hyunjin exits the bathroom, Felix is right there, drying his tears and pulling him into another hug. Hyunjin takes a few deep breaths to stop crying, he doesn’t want anyone to know how bad he feels or why. No one but the members and his stylist know that he’s trans, he doesn’t want people to know, and he doesn’t want to remind the people that know that he is.
He just wants everyone to forget that he was ever looked at as a girl. Especially when he is on his period and everything already hurts, and his dysphoria makes him hate himself with a passion. But it goes so much deeper than hate, his body feels foreign, like it’s a stranger and no part of it belongs to him.
“You’re okay, it’s gonna be okay.” Felix says, but Hyunjin doesn’t feel okay. He’s in pain, and he still feels sick, and his head is starting to hurt, and he’s so anxious that he just wants to hide and never see the light of day again.
Hyunjin follows Felix back to where the group is, and he’s immediately taken to get his hair and makeup done. He tries to sit still, but his stomach is hurting so much that he can’t stop moving in attempt at finding a better position. He’s desperate to feel better, but nothing helps. Not even the snacks he keeps popping into his mouth despite being so far from hungry that he doesn’t want anything.
When he’s done being styled, he gets a few more things from the snack table and goes to sit beside Felix on the couch. The others are filming a talker somewhere, but Hyunjin is in no mood to be on camera any more than he has to be. Instead, Hyunjin leans into Felix’s side and opens a chocolate bar, ready to try to forget why he feels so gross.
“How are you doing?” Felix asks, his hand coming to rest over Hyunjin’s lower abdomen, and it feels so good that Hyunjin closes his eyes with a sigh. He doesn’t want to do anything too visible like using a heating pad to ease the pain, but Felix’s hand sliding under his shirt is subtle enough that he doesn’t mind.
“The cramps are really bad, and my head hurts, and I feel kind of sick, and disgusting.” Hyunjin says, followed by taking a big bite of the chocolate and almost moaning at how good it tastes. Felix looks at him in amusement, so Hyunjin shoots him a questioning look.
“If you already feel sick, maybe you shouldn’t eat so much right before a performance.” Felix says, he’s always annoying like that, telling Hyunjin that he’ll throw up if he eats too much before performances. Hyunjin never listens to him, and he’s always fine.
“You always say that, but I never actually puke no matter how much I eat.” Hyunjin says and takes another bite, looking right at Felix while he does it just to be annoying. And despite the concern that’s clear on Felix’s face, a smile plays on his lips, and he shakes his head.
“You already puked though.” Felix points out, and he is right about that. But it doesn’t matter what Hyunjin does or doesn’t eat. Either he just threw up that one time, and he’ll be fine now, or he’s going to throw up again no matter what he does. So he might as well enjoy himself and satisfy his cravings.
“It’s still a myth.” Hyunjin says, not convinced that there’s actually any truth to what everyone says about throwing up after a performance if they aren’t careful with what they eat in the hour before. Hyunjin has never seen it happen, and he isn’t the only one who risks it more often than not.
Felix leaves him alone about it, just quietly watching Hyunjin eating his snacks while keeping his warm palm gently pressed into his stomach. Hyunjin still feels horrible, he can barely sit still with the pain, and he wishes more than anything that he could lie down with a hot water bottle and wait for the pain to subside. It’s not okay, but it has to be.
He has no choice but to get on stage and dance later even though just standing or sitting hurts more than enough. He has the most horrible cramps when his period comes once a year. They make him simultaneously never want to move again and never want to stop moving because moving gives the tiniest amount of relief.
Or maybe it just distracts him, and when he stops moving it hits him all over again. The only thing he can hope for is to not throw up on stage from the pain, but he isn’t entirely sure if that is a realistic hope.
. . .
When it gets closer to stage call, Hyunjin goes to the bathroom again just to make sure that he’s covered while they’re on stage. The only thing that could make him feel worse right now is if he leaks and gets it on his stage clothes.
He’s so paranoid about people finding out, but no one has any reason to even suspect that he’s on his period, they don’t know that he has a uterus. It feels like anyone close enough to him will see it, or god forbid, smell it on him. He doesn’t have a chance if he visibly leaks.
The painkillers he took earlier didn’t do anything. Every movement hurts, he feels sick, and he’s crampy, and his head hurts, and it’s just no fun. The worst part is the heavy feeling in his chests that makes him want to curl up and cry. But he can’t do that, he’ll ruin his makeup and have puffy eyes on stage. So instead, he has to push through the anxiety and keep his composure so he’ll look good on stage.
Felix is waiting for him outside of the bathroom, having kept watch so no one would come in or hear what he was doing. Pads are really loud for no reason whatsoever. They go together to the backstage area, and Hyunjin is maybe regretting all of the snacks he’s had. Because while he’s normally fine, he isn’t normally on his period, and he realizes that he feels nauseous as he puts in his in-ears.
But he has no choice but to get on stage and give his all. The dancing only makes him feel worse, the pain worsens, and the nausea builds, and the headache amplifies. He’s split between not wanting to limit his dancing just because he doesn’t feel great and wanting to limit his movements because it feels horrible. He feels disgusting, and the wrong movements cause the wrong feelings and sensations that cause him to internally cringe.
It's just a shitshow, and Thunderous of all of their choreographies is not great for his period. He is jumping and spreading his legs and bending down and putting pressure on his stomach, and when it’s finally over, he has to stand straight up and down and that might be the worst yet.
He feels like he’s going to throw up by the time the song is over, focusing on staying on his feet while Jeongin and Felix do their ending fairies. If it wasn’t for Felix being so cute right in front of him, Hyunjin wouldn’t get through this last part. It feels like it takes longer than normal before they get their signal to leave the stage, but it probably doesn’t.
Hyunjin’s mask drops the moment he knows they aren’t being filmed, his hand coming to his stomach and grimace pulling at his face. He doesn’t even know what is worse, the pain or the nausea, but they feed into each other and make him feel horrible. Felix gets off the floor and is immediately at Hyunjin’s side, wrapping an arm around his waist as they leave the stage with the rest of the group.
They’re all walking back to the dressing room when Hyunjin realizes that he’s actually going to throw up. He’s sweating and kind of dizzy and his mouth is watering. Every step adds to the feeling that grows in his throat, he almost stops walking, but that wouldn’t help. He bumps his arm into Felix’s side, getting his attention. When Felix looks at him, Hyunjin almost starts crying, but he manages not to.
“I think I’m gonna-” Hyunjin cuts himself off when it feels like more than words might come out and swallows thickly. Felix’s eyes go comically wide before he starts pulling Hyunjin in a different direction than the group is going in, clearly understanding what Hyunjin tried to say. They round a corner, and as soon as Hyunjin sees the bathroom door, he lets go of Felix to bolt over to it, quickly running out of time.
There’s no time to check if anyone else is in the bathroom before he bursts into a stall and drops to the floor, already heaving. Felix is there a moment later, rubbing his back as he throws up everything he’s eaten. This bathroom isn’t connected to their dressing room, so there are other people coming and going, but Hyunjin doesn’t care, he just feels so horrible.
The embarrassment only sets in when his stomach starts to calm down and he can hear other people right outside of the stall. He knows that he hasn’t exactly been quiet, and it must be so uncomfortable for the other people using the bathroom as well, and everyone will know who he is if he doesn’t stay in here for the rest of his life.
“Are you done?” Felix says quietly, still rubbing his back while Hyunjin stays leaned over the toilet bowl. Hyunjin nods, the nausea slipping away and leaving only pain now that his stomach is empty. Felix wipes his mouth with some toilet paper and flushes the toilet, but even as he stands up, Hyunjin stays curled up on the floor, leaning on the stall wall and trying not to cry. Felix crouches down in front of him with a soft smile that only makes it harder for Hyunjin not to cry.
“Just wait here, okay? Lock the door behind me.” Felix whispers, then he gets up and exits the stall and Hyunjin hurriedly locks the door behind him before sitting back down on the floor. It’s disgusting, sitting on the floor of a public bathroom that he just threw up in, and he’s too tired to stop silent tears from trailing down his cheeks.
“Rough day?” Someone says, the voice is familiar, but not enough that Hyunjin knows who it is. For a moment, he thinks that they’re speaking through the door to him, but then he hears Felix’s voice replying.
“I should’ve listened when they told me not to eat so much before going on stage.” Felix says, and Hyunjin has to cover his mouth with a hand not to sob when he realizes what Felix is doing. He’s taking the blame, making people believe that he was the one who just threw up to save Hyunjin from the embarrassment. It’s possibly the most considerate thing Felix has ever done for him.
“We’ve all been there.” The guy says, and Felix agrees with a nervous laugh. Then the room goes silent and before long, the door creaks loudly as someone leaves. Hyunjin stays silent, not daring to move for fear of giving himself away as someone walks around right outside of the stall that he is in. Another few minutes pass, and more people come and go before Felix’s voice carries through the door.
“Hyun? You can come out now, it’s empty.” Felix says, and Hyunjin all but jumps up to unlock the door and throw himself into Felix’s arms, not sure how to ever put into words how much he appreciates what Felix just did for him. “Let’s go back before anyone else comes in.” Felix continues, and Hyunjin pulls back to follow Felix back to the dressing room. He forces himself to stop crying, drying his tears, and taking a few breaths to collect himself.
When they enter the dressing room, they’re immediately met with concerned looks, and only then does Hyunjin realize how long they were gone. It must be closer to twenty minutes; all the members have already changed and gathered their things, ready to go home for the day.
“Where did you two disappear to?” Chan asks, looking equally frustrated and concerned, they all want to go home. Hyunjin wants that more than anyone else, but he couldn’t really be much quicker without embarrassing himself to the point of no recovery.
“Oh nothing, hyung, we just…” Felix trails off, clearly struggling with coming up with an excuse. He looks nervously at Hyunjin who looks nervously at the group and hates what he sees there. They’re all assuming that Hyunjin and Felix chose to sneak off, as if they can’t stay professional and wait until they get home.
“I threw up.” Hyunjin says, because the only thing worse than the guys knowing how he feels is them thinking that him and Felix snuck off to have sex. That is the last thing on Hyunjin’s mind, not to mention that they’ve never done that before. And what part of how Hyunjin has been acting today made them think that? He thinks it’s been pretty clear that he doesn’t feel good.
“You do look pale, are you okay? Are you sick?” Minho says, taking on his mom role as he comes over to press the back of his hand to Hyunjin’s forehead. He doesn’t look relieved when Hyunjin doesn’t have a fever. Hyunjin would give anything for this just to be a random stomach bug or something, that wouldn’t make him feel like he is falling apart.
“I’m not sick, hyung, I’m fine.” Hyunjin says, just wanting to change and get his things so they can leave. He wants nothing more than to curl up in bed with Felix and his hot water bottle while watching something that will make him cry and eating too much chocolate.
“I heard Felix telling him not to eat too much again, I guess it finally came back to bite him in the ass.” Jisung says, and Hyunjin knows that he’s joking, but he’s not the most stable right now, so he can’t find it in himself to let it slide.
“I did nothing wrong!” Hyunjin exclaims defensively, overly emotional for no good reason. “My uterus just hates me.” He adds, attempting to joke to lift his own mood, but only resulting in making himself cry again. The room goes silent as Felix pulls Hyunjin into a hug, and Hyunjin lets himself go, sobbing into Felix’s shoulder and holding onto him like his life depends on it.
At least no one but the members are here, or he would have a lot to explain and come up with the world’s biggest excuse. No one would take it as a joke when it made him burst into tears.
. . .
No more than an hour later, Hyunjin is right where he wants to be. Curled up in bed after a shower and waiting for Felix to finish his own shower. They would normally shower together to save time, but Hyunjin’s dysphoria won’t let him be seen without clothes by anyone, not even himself. And he had to empty his period cup, not really something he wants Felix to see.
When Felix comes into the room, he has his arms full of supplies. “I have your hot water bottle and heating pad, both of your favorite chocolates, and water because they make you thirsty, and hydration is important.” Felix says, and Hyunjin just about melts at how sweet he’s being.
“Can I have the heating pad on my shoulders and hot water bottle on my stomach?” Hyunjin says, as if that isn’t what he does every time because his shoulders get so tense when he’s anxious. Unlike the other members, Felix understands that nothing he says will help, and he just allows Hyunjin to feel horrible while showing him that he isn’t alone. Actions are the only things that get through to him.
“Of course, here, let me help you.” Felix says, dumping everything down on the bed before picking up the heating pad, plugging it into the wall and putting it on the settling Hyunjin likes. He wraps it around Hyunjin’s shoulders, and it starts sliding down, but when Felix cuddles up to his back, he will keep it in place. Then he gives Hyunjin the hot water bottle, getting it into the right position over his stomach.
“Which one do you want?” Felix asks, holding up the chocolates, and Hyunjin points at the one with pieces of dried strawberries in it. It doesn’t taste like strawberries, and he has no clue why he enjoys it so much, but it’s pure heaven to his tastebuds. With a nod, Felix starts breaking it up before opening the wrapper and putting it down on the bed in front of Hyunjin who wastes no time in popping a piece into his mouth.
And as if Felix hasn’t done more than enough already, he pulls up Hyunjin’s favorite cry-movie on his laptop before finally cuddling up to his back. Hyunjin never remembers what the movie is called, but it’s with Zac Efron. It’s just really sad when he admits to himself that his brother has been dead this whole time, and Hyunjin will never not cry his eyes out at the end. But of course Felix remembers the name, why wouldn’t he?
“Why are you so good to me?” Hyunjin says, and the only thing that stops him from turning around to look at Felix is the pain in his stomach. It’s finally letting up the slightest amount, making it almost bearable. He feels Felix softly kiss the back of his shoulder while his hand trails down the side of Hyunjin’s waist, making him feel so loved and cared for.
“Because I love you.” Felix simply says, making it sound like it should be obvious. And maybe it is, Hyunjin just tends to forget when he’s on his period, reverting back to his teenage self who though that no one would ever accept him for who he is.
“None of this takes away from your worth, and it doesn’t change who you are. I know it doesn’t feel that way now, but it will pass this time too, and you will be okay.” Felix says, and maybe some words help because Hyunjin feels a weight lifting off of his shoulders at the reminder. He doesn’t feel any less anxious or sad, but the reminder that it will pass makes it a little more bearable.
“I love you too.” Hyunjin says, too overwhelmed to reply to anything else. Felix kisses his shoulder again before reaching over Hyunjin’s body to press play on the movie. Very few people would willingly watch it when they know that Hyunjin will be inconsolable for a while after watching it, but Felix never asks him to watch something else.