Chapter Text
They get a flu shot every year in preparation for flu season. And Hyunjin is just as nervous every time. He’s barely breathing during the whole car ride, terrified of where they’re going. If it wasn’t for Felix’s arms wrapped around him, he’d probably jump out of the moving car and run home, that’s ho much he does not want to do this.
When the car stops outside of the place they’re going, Hyunjin makes no move to get out of the car with the other members. He’s frozen in place, paralyzed by fear. There is nothing in the whole universe he’s more scared of than needles, and it feels so stupid, but he’s helpless against the terror keeping him in the car.
“Hyunjin-ie, are you coming?” Felix asks in a light tone, probably trying not to feed into Hyunjin’s anxiety. He’s standing just outside of the car but bends down to look at him. Hyunjin slowly looks over at him, just the sight of the building behind Felix making his heart skip a beat.
“No.” Hyunjin says flatly, just being honest. There is no way he’s moving from this spot; he is not going anywhere. There is just no way he’s going to get inside the building.
“Do you need a moment?” Felix asks, knowing very well how scared Hyunjin is of needles. Every year, Felix is the one tasked with helping him. The younger has a special place in Hyunjin’s heart, even if Hyunjin hasn’t told him how special, so he’s the only one who can get through to Hyunjin when he gets like this.
“Yeah.” Hyunjin whispers, nodding to himself and going back to staring at the seat in front of him. If he focuses hard enough, he can trick his brain into forgetting where he is or what he’s about to do.
“Okay, we can sit here for a moment.” Felix says, coming back into the car and telling the driver to give them some more time. He sits close to Hyunjin, but Hyunjin wants him closer. Even when Felix takes his hand in his own, it is far from enough to give Hyunjin the comfort he needs.
“What are you scared of?” Felix asks softly, and Hyunjin is sure that if he looked at Felix, he would see that his expression matches his voice. He probably has those eyes that are wide with sympathy and concern, lips pulled into a tight smile that makes Hyunjin want to kiss them. Nope, this is not the time to think about that, he does not want to kiss Felix, Felix is his friend.
“The needle.” Hyunjin says as if it should be obvious. It should be obvious, the whole reason they’re still in the car is because he has a needle phobia, of course it’s the needle he’s scared of.
“The size?” Felix asks, and oh, he meant the specific thing that freaks him out. The answer to that question is also the same as every year. Jus the thought freaks him out, and he knows that if he somehow ends up getting the show, he’ll feel sick for the rest of the day with the knowledge that it happened.
“No, just the needle entering my skin.” Hyunjin says, a chill running down his spine. He’s been like this since he was seven and got his first shot at school. They went out of glass in groups, and the girl before him completely freaked out. It freaked Hyunjin out to see her like that, and he’s been terrified of needles since. He probably learned it from her, young and susceptible to other’s influence.
“Yeah, that is kind of a weird concept.” Felix says, showing that he understands that Hyunjin is freaked out by it. He just can’t wrap his head around the concept, just picturing it in his head makes him feel sick and like ants are crawling under his skin. “Would it help if I did it first?” Felix suggests, and Hyunjin’s head snaps to the side to look at him.
“No. I can’t watch it.” Hyunjin quickly says. He always goes in with Felix, there’s no way for him to get it done without Felix keeping him calm. But if he has to see Felix get the shot first, they can just forget it. At least now he doesn’t fully remember what it’s like, it’s been a year since last time they did this.
“Okay, you can go first.” Felix says easily, he’s just trying to find the best solution, and Hyunjin is being so difficult. But he can’t help it, he is not in control of his actions right now.
“No.” Hyunjin whines, he doesn’t want that either. He doesn’t want to do this in any way, shape, or form. The only reason he isn’t giving up is that he knows he has to do it at some point, and he would rather get it over with, but he does not want it at all.
“I know you’re scared, but it will be okay.” Felix tries to reassure him, and he’s being so sweet and patient, but it’s doing nothing to calm Hyunjin down. This war happening inside of him is so familiar, and he’s so sick of it. He wishes that he could just push through, it’s such a stupid thing to be this scared of.
“I’m not scared, I’m dying.” Hyunjin says, and he’s not being dramatic at all. There is no way to survive this. He’s felt like this for every shot or blood draw for as long as he can remember. When he was a child, it would take multiple attempts on different days to get him to do it, he was so scared and flat out refused until even the nurses eventually gave up trying to get him into the building.
“You will be okay, I promise. You’re safe, okay? I won’t let anyone hurt you.” Felix says, squeezing Hyunjin’s hand reassuringly as he speaks. Hyunjin closes his eyes, focusing on taking a deep breath before he starts crying, he’s so scared. “The sooner we go in, the sooner you’ll be done.” Felix continues, and that is just tempting enough to get Hyunjin to agree.
“Fine.” Hyunjin whines, reluctantly letting Felix pull him out of the car. Every cell in his body tells him not to leave the car, but he’s tempted by Felix’s promise of getting it over with. That’s what he tries to focus on as they move closer to the building. Get it over with, get it out of the way, he won’t have to think about it for another year.
However, that is easier said than done. When they get to the door, Felix opens it and the smell of antiseptic hits Hyunjin’s nose. He freezes back up, dread filling him at the thought of entering the building. He stops walking and pulls back, his hand slipping out of Felix’s as he takes a step back.
“I can’t.” Hyunjin gasps, on the verge of tears a fear tightens in his throat. He really can’t do this; he cannot physically make himself walk into the building. It feels like he’s walking to his death, no one in their right mind would do that.
“You can, I promise. You’ve done it before, and you were fine, remember?” Felix says as patiently as ever. Hyunjin has not been fine before, he always passes out, that is not ‘fine’ in his book.
“No.” Hyunjin says in desperation, just begging not to have to do this. He really wants to not do this, he wants this to not even be a thing, for someone to just say that he can skip it this time.
“You’re okay.” Felix says, letting the door slide shut as he lets go of it to come over to Hyunjin. Seeing it close is a small relief, he’s taken a step back, but it’s also disappointing because now he has to do that step again.
“No.” Hyunjin repeats, voice thick as tears gather in his eyes. He doesn’t have the will to try to stop them from spilling over. Felix softens when he sees his tears, knowing that Hyunjin is seconds from falling apart when he starts crying in fear. He steps closer, laying a hand over Hyunjin’s chest and looking at him with those concerned and sympathetic eyes.
“Take a deep breath.” Felix says, and Hyunjin tries. It hurts to fill his lungs with air, but he does his best to breathe into Felix’s hand. “And another.” Felix says, and Hyunjin takes another, this one a little deeper. It helps a little, not nearly as much as he needs, but enough for his tears to dry up.
“All we’re doing now is going to sit in the waiting area, no one will do anything without your consent, okay?” Felix says softly, speaking slowly as if he thinks that Hyunjin might struggle with hanging onto his words. What he doesn’t know is that Felix could never say anything without making Hyunjin understand every syllable that comes out of his mouth.
Hyunjin gives a small nod, so Felix starts walking them forward again, getting through the door this time. It physically hurts to walk through the building, the dread only growing the closer they get. Hyunjin stops walking multiple times and has to be encouraged to continue walking.
When they sit down in the waiting room, Hyunjin is so tense that he’s almost hovering over the chair. He wants to be comforted, but he doesn’t know how to ask for it. Felix sitting in the chair beside him is far from enough, but that’s what friends do. He can’t ask Felix to sit in his lap and hug him even if that’s what he wants.
The members are being called in one by one, and every time a name is called out, Hyunjin tenses up and almost starts crying again. They seem to be going by age, so first out is Chan, then Minho, then Changbin, and he has to swallow back the growing lump in his throat because he’s next. Felix knows it too, reaching out to take Hyunjin’s hand in his own and squeezing it in reassurance.
“Hwang Hyunjin.” His name is called, and Hyunjin stops breathing, retracting his hand from Felix to grip the chair, locking himself in place so he can’t be moved. Felix stands up only to bend down in front of him, smiling so softly despite how sick he must be of Hyunjin’s shit.
“Breathe, please, you’ll pass out.” Felix says with a small laugh, like this is amusing him. Hyunjin would be amused too if he saw a grown man this scared of something so stupid. But being said grown man is not amusing at all. It’s torture.
“I can’t.” Hyunjin says, voice barely above a whisper. He’s embarrassed now too because all of the members are watching them. Not that this is anything new to any of them, but he feels so stupid for freaking out about a freaking needle. Vaccines protect him, this is a good thing, and he’s acting ungrateful and stubborn because of some childhood fear he never grew out of.
“Remember what I said earlier? No one will do anything without your consent.” Felix says, being so patient with him. Hyunjin bites his lip to stop it from wobbling, embarrassed and scared and so grateful for his friend.
“No.” Hyunjin whispers, he can’t do it. It feels impossible to go in there, like someone is asking him to walk through a concrete wall, it simply isn’t possible. Even if he wanted to, he can’t get from here to there.
“We’ll just go in there, okay? They won’t do anything until you’re ready.” Felix says, and it would be reassuring if Hyunjin wasn’t so scared that he doesn’t trust anyone. No matter what Felix says, he doesn’t trust that the nurse will do anything when he never says that he’s ready.
“I won’t be ready.” Hyunjin says, that should be obvious too. Why would he ever feel okay with doing something that feels this horrible? He’s so scared that he feels sick, and his head hurts, and his lungs are burning, and he has to blink back tears if he so much as glances at the nurse waiting for them.
“I will keep you safe.” Felix promises, sounding so sure of what he’s saying. And Hyunjin trusts Felix, he will always trust Felix. Somehow, Hyunjin managers to stand up and walk into the room. He has no idea how he gets up from the chair or how he puts one foot in front of the other, he just does. And then he’s in the little room where he will get his shot.
The people who work there know him from every other year, and they are so understanding and patient. They make sure he doesn’t see the needle and stay at a safe distance without pressuring him while Hyunjin goes to sit in the chair, numb with panic. He has given up at this point, too tired to keep fighting. He just wants it over with, so he won’t have to think about it anymore.
But then the nurse starts to get the shot ready, and he bursts into tears at the realization that this is happening. He was so numb a moment ago, but now he’s trembling in fear again, hands coming up to cover his upper arms so they can’t be accessed even though he’s still wearing his jacket.
“You can do this, it’s okay.” Felix says, bending down in front of him again. He puts his hands on Hyunjin’s knees, making him aware that he’s bouncing his leg. The panic is somehow worse than it was earlier, he’s in the same room as the needle, and he won’t leave until it has been in his body.
“No.” Hyunjin sobs and shakes his head, desperate for this not to be happening. He needs to get out of here, but he’s frozen in place, couldn’t even move to run out of here. If he tried to stand up, his legs would probably collapse under him before he made it to the door.
“Yes, you’ve done it before. It was okay then, and it will be okay now.” Felix says, repeating that same very unhelpful phrase that only makes him more scared.
“It was never okay!” Hyunjin exclaims, much louder than he intended to. He’s practically yelling in Felix’s face, and immediately shrinks back with regret. But the younger is unfazed, not even leaning back at Hyunjin’s outburst.
“It will be okay, I’m here with you.” Felix says, and this time Hyunjin understands what he’s saying. Felix promised to keep him safe, he will keep Hyunjin safe if he passes out. That’s why it will be okay, they’ll get through the not okay part together. Hyunjin shakes his head, not reassured by that at all. He doesn’t want to pass out, it makes him feel so sick.
“No.” Hyunjin sobs around the word, hot tears running down his cheeks. Felix does the same thing he did earlier, placing a hand on Hyunjin’s chest that brings some warmth back into the ice in hos veins. It sends a chill through his body, not that that is an uncommon response to Felix’s touch.
“Can you breathe for me?” Felix says, reminding Hyunjin that he’s holding his breath again. But he can’t breathe his chest is too tight, and everything hurts and he’s so terrified. There’s no room for breathing when he feels like he’s dying.
“No.” Hyunjin repeats, lifting his eyes to look at Felix. “Please don’t make me do this.” He begs, desperate for Felix to just take him home so he won’t have to do this. He can do it another day, it’s fine, anything to not have to do it now.
“I’m sorry.” Felix says, and of course he can’t stop it. They would both be yelled at for making their team have to schedule in another appointment when they barely had time for this one. Hyunjin cries harder with the realization that he’s trapped here. There’s no way out, he has to do this.
“Breathe with me.” Felix says, breathing deeply and exaggeratedly for Hyunjin to try to follow. It burns his throat when he heaves in a deep breath, and his chest aches as air fills his oxygen-starved lungs. “Good, keep breathing like that. You’re safe, don’t worry, I won’t let anyone hurt you.” Felix reassures him and Hyunjin nods.
“Just do it.” Hyunjin says, desperate to get it over with. Felix helps him pull off his jacket and lift his sleeve, exposing his arm to the cold air in the room. He feels so exposed, and no part of him wants to do this, but he wants it to be done.
“I am just going to clean your skin first, okay?” The nurse says, holding out both of her hands to show Hyunjin that she only has a cotton ball in one hand. Hyunjin nods, and she comes over to swipe it over his skin. It’s shockingly cold to the touch, almost painful, but her soft touch helps him relax a little more.
“Good, you’re doing so good.” Felix says, smiling at him as Hyunjin takes another deep breath, just steeling himself for his life to end. He can see the nurse getting the shot, but she has her back turned to him, clearly doing it on purpose so he won’t see anything. When she comes over with the shot in hand, Hyunjin accidentally looks at it. His eyes are just drawn in like magnets.
“No, no, stop, wait.” Hyunjin begs, leaning back in the chair and covering the area on his arm that she just cleaned. He is completely panicking again, crying and shaking and squirming away from where the nurse is standing. Felix in on it right away, laying his hand over Hyunjin’s to add protection and shushing him while telling the nurse to give them another moment.
“Hyunjin-ie, breathe, it’s okay.” Felix says, but it does nothing to reassure Hyunjin when the needle is in such close proximity to him. If he lets his guard down for a moment, she will pounce, doing it without his consent and only making him fear this even more.
“No, stop!” Hyunjin cries out when the nurse doesn’t move away from them and she finally takes a step back, going back to the desk and giving them space. He doesn’t take his eyes off of her until her hands are empty again, only then does he look at Felix who is smiling reassuringly.
“She won’t do anything until you’re ready.” Felix says, clearly trying to calm him down. And Hyunjin trusts him, after all, Felix put his hand over Hyunjin’s arm too when it was clear that he wasn’t ready, but he doesn’t trust her.
“I’m not ready!” Hyunjin says too loudly, as if that wasn’t obvious. He is exhausted, but he can’t calm down, he’s absolutely terrified. This is why he passes out every time, he uses too much energy, is too tense, and then he suddenly relaxes when it’s over, the switch happening too fast for his system.
“Okay, we’ll wait. You have to breathe, Hyunjin.” Felix says, his hand finding its way back to Hyunjin’s chest. Hyunjin is practically hyperventilating, and he’s trembling, nauseous with the intense fear.
“No, I can’t.” Hyunjin says, voice too loud again, but he has no control over that. He feels like he’s in a life-threatening situation, like his life is about to end, and no matter how stupid he knows that it is, he can’t calm down.
“Yes, you can, it’s okay. Just get it over with, remember? And when it’s done, we’ll go back home and relax.” Felix reminds him, and while this comforted Hyunjin earlier, he’s too far gone now. He is probably having a panic attack, gasping in too quick breaths, and feeling like he’s about to throw up.
“Don’t make me.” Hyunjin gasps out, his mind is so clouded with the panic, he can barely think. He just knows that there’s an overwhelming need to get out of this situation, and he doesn’t care who he has to fight to get there.
“I’m not making you do anything but breathe, please.” Felix says, looking a little desperate as Hyunjin continues to hyperventilate. It hurts, but it hurts much more when he tries to breathe deeper.
“I can’t breathe.” Hyunjin whines, and it only adds to his panic. His senses feel sharpened and dulled at the same time, making him feel out of control and exposed to danger while he’s hyper-aware of every sensation in his body.
Felix is suddenly sitting in his lap, wrapping himself around Hyunjin and taking up all of his senses. He’s guiding Hyunjin’s hand to rest over his own chest so Hyunjin can feel the slow, deep breaths he’s taking. He’s doing everything he can to calm Hyunjin down, but nothing is getting through to him, this doesn’t do anything either.
“We’re just going to get this done, okay? And then we’ll go back home. Do you want to cuddle, maybe? We can watch whatever you want, and get hot chocolate or your favorite tea.” Felix says, but it still doesn’t reach Hyunjin’s anxiety-clouded brain. All he can focus on is the shot and the fact that it will happen before he leaves this room. Felix cares too much about him to let him give up when he’s come this far.
“No, I can’t, I really can’t. Please.” Hyunjin says, feeling like he’s about to pass out from the lack of breathing. Felix cups his cheek with a hand, gently making Hyunjin turn to look at him so he can’t see what the nurse is doing. Before Hyunjin can protest again, Felix is talking to him in his calmest voice.
“You’re okay.” Felix says, his other hand coming to gently pry Hyunjin’s hand away from his upper arm to expose his bare skin again. Felix sounds so sure of it, it makes Hyunjin pause for a moment, allowing the reassurance to wash over him. He suddenly gasps in a deep breath, like his body is moving on pure instinct to stop him from passing out. It’s like a switch flips in his brain, and he gives up, completely exhausted and just wanting it over with.
“She’s just going to clean your skin, okay?” Felix gently says, and Hyunjin nods again, he isn’t scared of that part, he’s scared of what comes after. With his consent, the nurse comes back over to wipe his arm down, and Hyunjin tracks her movements, fully expecting her to suddenly stab him, but she doesn’t.
When she pulls back to get the syringe, Hyunjin’s breath hitches in his throat again, fresh waves of panic washing over him with such force that it’s dizzying. He instinctively goes to cover his arm again, but Felix grabs his hand before he can do so, holding on tightly and effectively stopping him.
“No, wait, wait, please.” Hyunjin says desperately, begging as he starts sobbing again. Felix cups his cheek with his free hand, making Hyunjin look back at him, and there’s something in his eyes that distracts Hyunjin for a moment. He looks so calm despite how not calm this moment is.
“You can do it.” Felix says softly, and Hyunjin wants to believe him, he really wants to. Then Felix moves so his arms are wrapped around Hyunjin, holding his arms down without being suffocating, and before Hyunjin can think about what is happening, Felix presses their lips together.
Hyunjin is so shocked that he stops breathing, closing his eyes, and melting into the kiss. A moment later, he feels the pinch in his arm. But he barely notices the slight burn with the feeling of Felix’s lips moving against his own. His lips are so soft and warm, moving against him softly and slowly, feeling so intimate even though this moment is possibly the strangest thing Hyunjin has experienced in his life.
The nurse puts a small band aid on his arm when it’s over, and Felix pulls back, looking a little dazed and like he can’t believe what just happened either. Before he can even try to figure out why Felix did that, Hyunjin’s body goes numb, ears ringing and vision whiting out like he’s about to pass out.
The situation flips so fast that it gives him whiplash. Felix asks the nurse for water and climbs off of Hyunjin’s lap, hauling him out of the chair to lie on the floor. Hyunjin is too weak to help him, not even sure if he’s still in the room anymore. He’s feels so heavy and sick, the room moving in waves around him as he stares at the fluorescent light on the ceiling.
He’s suddenly aware that someone is running their fingers through his hair, and the gross feeling in his body slowly subsides. His senses filter back in, the exhausted ache in his bones making him very aware that he’s awake.
“Hey, you’re okay, just take a moment.” Felix says, and Hyunjin realizes that he’s the one playing with his hair. Of course he is, it feels like Felix’s fingers, Hyunjin would recognize the touch anywhere.
“You just fainted, but it’s nothing to worry about.” Felix explains, and when he mentions it, Hyunjin is pretty sure that he lost a few seconds there. He didn’t realize right away, but he’s waking up and remembering what happened. He slowly opens his eyes, squinting at the bright lights.
“Do you want some water?” Felix asks, leaning into Hyunjin’s field of vision. He looks like he’s glowing, the bright ceiling lights lighting up his white-blonde hair. He really is Hyunjin’s angel. Hyunjin snorts a laugh at the thought, and Felix just looks at him with a fond smile.
Hyunjin suddenly remembers that Felix asked him a question and nods, water sounds amazing right now. Felix slides a hand under his shoulders, lifting him just enough to help him take a few sips from the plastic cup the nurse hands him. Hyunjin is so tired from the whole ordeal, he would love to go to sleep right here.
“I am just going to get my shot and then we can go home. Will you be okay for a moment?” Felix asks, and Hyunjin nods again, staying on the floor as Felix goes to sit in the chair. He looks unaffected, like it’s nothing special, and Hyunjin is so jealous of his nonchalance. He wants to be able to do that too, but it doesn’t feel like it will ever be possible for him.
Hyunjin allows himself to close his eyes and just relax for a moment while he waits for Felix. He can beat himself up some other time, right now he way too tired to do so. And his mind is way too preoccupied by the kiss. He always wondered what Felix’s lips felt like, has imagined kissing them more times than he could ever count. And when it finally happened, he didn’t even get to enjoy it.
“All done, let’s go.” Felix says, suddenly by Hyunjin’s side again. He gently helps Hyunjin sit up and gives him a moment to adjust to the change of positions before going to stand up. Hyunjin clings to his side, not trusting his legs to hold him up on their own yet.
Rather than going back to the waiting room like Hyunjin expected, Felix takes him straight to the car. Neither of them mentions the kiss, but Hyunjin is honestly too tired to figure it out right now. Sitting in the backseat, Hyunjin leans into Felix’s side like nothing happened and starts dozing off right away, finally getting a well-deserved nap.