Chapter Text
John Barnaby and his wife, Sarah, had been living in Midsomer for about a year and a half now. Ben mused about this thought, a pint of bitter in his hand, sat in a pub garden. It had been an interesting time working with the cousin of his now retired boss, Tom Barnaby. Every case he had done with John had its own special unforgettable moment, whether it be good or bad, like the couple of times one or both of them nearly got killed. After everything they had been through, Ben did consider John and Sarah friends, family even but he wasn’t sure if the feeling was the same from their perspective. He thought he was quite close to the both of them and his working relationship with Barnaby improved drastically overtime. He wasn’t sure what to expect from his new boss, swooping in with his psychology degree but it turned out to be advantageous in some situations and Barnaby himself wasn’t half bad. Ben chuckled to himself at that remark. What he definitely wasn’t expecting was for himself to catch feelings for Mrs Barnaby. That was a shock to his system when he figured it out about 3 months ago and it was slowly tearing him from the inside out.
Downing the last quarter of his pint, it was time to head home much to his dismay. Not living smack in the middle of Causton did have its perks but living on the outskirts proved a bit lonely at times. Sighing, he got up from his table and began his walk home which took around 30 minutes on foot. The cool spring breeze offered some comfort to him, feeling something on the outside rather than burning pain on the inside. How could he be so stupid, falling for the boss’ wife. How could he not? She was beautiful and kind. Always offered a cup of something when he dropped by and her home cooked meals were something else. Her smile always caught his attention. Made his heart and stomach flutter, heat rising to his face, feeling hot under the collar. When he first had feeling for her, he would take up any and every opportunity to come over but he wondered what Barnaby was thinking. As time went on, he made up excuses as to why he couldn’t stay or come over for dinner. Sarah would always say ‘another time, perhaps’ or ‘maybe some other time’ or even ‘you are always welcome to pop in again’. Ben felt incredibly guilty.
He thought he would get over his little silly crush but oh no, it just got stronger and would not let him rest. Sarah would always be floating about in his mind. The feelings of guilt, sadness, shame and embarrassment just gnawed at his insides, twisting his heart. The last two weeks in particular were tough, like the universe was testing him, possibly punishing him for his feelings for a married woman. Barnaby and Sarah had planned a long weekend away, Friday to Monday. When they came back, the cute couples photos he saw just hurt him but he had to pretend that he was happy for them. They also went on a date night out to a very fancy restaurant. Barnaby mentioned all the nice things they had been doing in the evenings; candle lit dinner at home, movie nights cuddled on the sofa, walks in the park holding hands. Made Ben jealous which he knew he shouldn’t be. Sarah wasn’t his and never would be.
Ben was becoming more and more depressed for two reasons. One being the feeling he had for Sarah that would never be reciprocated and the second being him having the feelings in the first place. If Barnaby found out, God only knows what would happen. Would Barnaby have him transferred or sacked? Would Barnaby snap and kill him? Ben frowned at that thought, Barnaby couldn’t be capable of that, right? When it came to Sarah, he was protective, like any good loving husband would be. In a way, he posed a threat to Sarah, a threat to their marriage so he wouldn’t put anything past Barnaby. He wondered if he should just put in a transfer request anyway but questions would be asked. He wished he could disappear, become a missing person. Change his name and move country or just cease to exist all together. Ben stopped walking and closed his eyes, these thought of unaliving were become more and more frequent and intense. He never really understood why people took their own life but now that he was experiencing the thoughts himself, he began to get why. Eventually, he made it back home and went straight to bed.
He lay there feeling utterly shit. Not may people knew that he was Bisexual. Barnaby and Sarah didn’t know. Hell, he didn’t even tell Tom and Joyce and he had known them for a long time. He did have a thought a while ago that if he did get with Sarah, John could also join in, if he wanted to but Ben was pretty sure his boss was straight. Then again, he could be wrong. Ben rolled and tossed around trying to get to sleep but his mind just wasn’t letting up. In the end, he cried himself to sleep, which was becoming a common occurrence.
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Barnaby and Sarah had been at home all of that evening, sat on the sofa with some quiz show on the tv. Barnaby had noticed, in the last month, that Ben hadn’t exactly been his usual self. He wondered if his sergeant was overworked or was there a personal thing going on behind the scenes. He wasn’t sure how to approach Ben, worried he wouldn’t talk to him or tell him exactly what was going on. Looking over at Sarah, he was wondering if he could get Sarah to talk to him but he didn’t want Ben to think he was fobbing him off by sending in his wife to deal with him. He knew he needed to talk to Ben at some point, and soon. For now, he was enjoying his wife’s company, silently wishing Ben was also there.
Sarah was engrossed in the tv quiz show but had noticed John glancing over at her. She knew he was thinking about many things in that psychologist brain of his. She also knew some of what John was thinking about was about Ben. John had briefly mentioned to her that he was off, Sarah did agree with him. She had definitely taking note that Ben wasn’t coming over as often and wasn’t accepting her offers of tea and food. Concern for the young man was in her mind a lot recently and she hoped that it was nothing serious. She wondered if John wanted her to speak with Ben but she would wait for John to ask her. For now, they were having a nice evening and it was almost time for bed. The bed was just big enough for three people, she thought with a small smile on her lips.