Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Nicholas was not a religious man.

His parents were practical, science based people. Engineers. They found the way the world worked fascinating. They saw the physics in everything—the floorboards, the walls of the house, the garden. Everything was calculated with a particular symmetry to them. Even people.

Nicholas was not his parents.

He liked the chaos of zero reason, he liked to say. He liked accepting people as they were—the product of their actions and their consequences. He liked knowing that sometimes a resolution was that there wasn’t one. He liked the lack of balance, he liked spinning on his head and gasping for air, he liked the giddiness of laughter.

He liked literature .

Literature was a space for him to experience people. What he didn’t learn from adoring his friends he learned from books. He devoured stories like he was a beggar eating a meal. He squeezed time out of the day to read, read, read. Whatever he could, whenever he could focus. 

After years of reading literature, Nicholas would never expect to feel like he was the main character of one of the fairytales he was told when he was a child. 

Main characters were always just that: main characters. He fell into disillusion once reality shattered him across picture frames at an early age (this, he doesn’t remember. He doesn’t remember most of his childhood.). It was difficult to convince someone, especially after the schooling system and parental pressure, that they were worth every single main character moment. That they were also important, that what they felt was important.

His heart hummed happily when he remembered falling asleep to stories of princes and princesses defeating dragons and Cinderella getting her chance at life and Mulan taking down the national threat almost all by herself and Tiana getting the dream she always wanted. 

It was silly, but those stories were everything to him when he was a kid, and now they have their own cozy cot in the corner of his mind, tucked in an open chest that he can see glimmering every now and then—reminding him what he was doing this all for.

He shut them all out, once. Disappointed that he closed that treasure chest of childhood feelings—locked it tight and threw away the key into the recesses of his mind. He let himself dull, let himself want to forget everything he did so he could escape into places where he didn’t have to be himself. Where he could be a nameless voyeur in the wall, in the bird’s eye, in the magic staff, in the creaky floorboard. 

Now to be a person feeling the things those characters must have felt in those stories—that awe that the world wasn’t all that it was cut out to be, that amazement at the filling in of color in the environment—he feels like he’s not only digging through that chest with a key forged by Hephaestus but shining a dazzling light on it for everyone to see. He feels like his kid self again, wistfully allowing himself to get absorbed in his feelings before shutting them out everywhere else. 

Really, it felt healing. He had friends, there was a cute boy in his arms, and he finally studied what he wanted to study after finding ways of being self-sufficient and finding his peace. It was like he reinvented himself arduously and finally saw the light at the top of Mount Olympus like Heracles did. 

So of course, when one doesn’t want to lose an opportunity, one takes it. Or, that’s what healing tells you to do. Which is exactly what Nicholas did when he accepted Euijoo’s invitation. 

Which is also why he’s now inside a samoyed cafe, sitting in front of a wonderfully cute boy surrounded by the cutest dogs. 

Really, a blessing. If this is what the Y/N life entails, he wants it more desperately now. 

(He absently thinks about how he could be a story in Murakami’s Men Without Women if it was about queer men.)

The cafe is quaint—tucked between two larger department stores. The glass windows make the writing on the glass a bit hard to read, and the hanging sign is easy enough to miss in the middle of advertisements for shampoo, moisturizer, and other things Nicholas is sure he can barely afford. It’s not the most hole-in-the-wall place, but it does have a more intimate feel without having the creepy alley stuff to actually get to the doors. 

“Nico,” Gods , he was going to die because of this boy. “Have you decided on what you want to order?”

Nicholas realizes he had been holding the menu for like five minutes at that point. Shit. Why am I this fucking embarrassing??

“Shit- I—No?”

Euijoo tilts his head and Nicholas thinks he’s literally goop on the floor. “Do you want me to recommend something then?”

Nicholas nods and gives Euijoo one half of the menu so they can look at it together. 

“I always get the ice cream waffle with the hazelnut boba myself, but I tried their iced coffee once and it was good. Oh! And their green teas. I really like their green teas.”

“Hm.” Nicholas thinks over his options. “Then I’ll get their brown rice green tea. Is it good?”

Euijoo nods enthusiastically. “Yeah! I really like that kind of tea! My mom used to make it all the time so I try to drink it during the winter in honor of her.”

Nicholas smiles at the thought of a cute Euijoo in this cafe, all bundled up in a big winter coat, sipping a cup of tea.

“Then, in honor of Mrs. Byun, I’ll get it. Want me to order or are you okay with ordering?”

Euijoo, who had been rocking in place since earlier, sways a little gentler as he talks, having to focus all his energy on answering. “Can I order my own thing instead?”

It takes Nicholas a bit before he deciphers Euijoo’s sentence. “So you wanna order yours yourself ‘nd I’ll order my own?”

Euijoo nods, peeking at Nicholas’s reaction through his lashes. 

“Alright angel, let’s order then.”

Their conversation gets stalled as Nicholas calls the waiter over to order their drinks. Euijoo, throughout the entire interaction with the waiter, silently plays with his earring—running his fingers through the intricate metal that hangs from his ear.

Once the waiter leaves, Euijoo suddenly speaks up.

“These little guys,” Euijoo redirects his attention to the samoyed in his lap, cooing at it silently. “Keep me company when I miss my mama. They’re really great reading partners.”

“You like reading too?”

Euijoo nods again, and for some reason Nicholas can’t get the thought that he sorta looks like a Piplup out of his head; he thinks he’s going bonkers.

“My mom was a lit prof before she became a high school lit teacher. She kinda passed her love for reading onto me, so now I read whenever I get the chance to. You?”

A samoyed curls up in Nicholas’s lap and he pets it gently. “Considering it’s my major and all, I’d say I do a lot of reading.”

Euijoo laughs and knocks himself on the head a little for forgetting. After that successfully makes Nicholas laugh, he asks, “Why’d you switch from engineering to lit? Why did you do engineering in the first place?”

The drinks arrive and the conversation is stalled for a few moments as the waiter placed them on the table. Euijoo looks frozen as if he’s a video on pause as the real world continues on around him. The video resumes as the waiter leaves, and Nicholas finds it really adorable before remembering he had a question to answer.

“Engineering is what my parents wanted me to do,” He shrugged. “So I did computer engineering. But during that time, I basically worked a lot so that I could be financially independent so that they couldn’t have something to hold over my head anymore and I could pursue what I wanted. I cut them off, and I started anew.”

Instead of saying sorry or anything pitiful, Euijoo chose “Thank you for working so hard.” 

Immediately, Nicholas was gone. 

(I mean, he is a hopeless romantic after all. Can’t really do anything about it.)

Not in any world did he expect an answer like that, and he thought that it felt so Euijoo that he couldn’t help but giggle at the realization. Euijoo tilted his head again at the sound.

“Why are you laughing at me?”

“I’m not laughing at you, sweetheart.” He clarifies, and Euijoo looks relieved. “You’re just extra cute right now, is all.”

Euijoo moves his gaze away from Nicholas’s face, suddenly overwhelmed. 

“Oh,” The boy mumbles. “You’re- You- Nico. Pretty.”

Nicholas lets a different samoyed settle in his lap for a nap while he smiled shyly to himself, giddy and shit. He had zero other way to describe his feelings too—just giddy… and shit.

“Am I, baby?” 

Euijoo looks at him blankly, and Nicholas starts to panic, thinking he did something wrong.

“I— Sorry, I- If that made you uncomfortable…”

Euijoo, surprisingly, shakes his head. Nicholas can’t believe how many times the boy has surprised him already. “It didn’t. I was just shocked,” he clarifies. “Didn’t expect you to call me baby… ”

Nicholas falls into an easy smile, now happy with one Euijoo expression to recognize under his belt. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Euijoo doesn’t meet his eyes—or well, he never did exactly , but he doesn’t glance at Nicholas’s face anymore. He recognizes the song the cafe is playing quietly and hums along to it while sipping on his drink.

Nicholas just watched him with interest. For some reason, Euijoo’s existence is interesting and refreshing. Not in the I’m-a-scientist-and-I-love-observing-specimen way, but the I-like-this-boy-and-his-habits-are-endearing way. Too cute, really.

“Nico,” Euijoo says suddenly. “Your samoyed buddy is getting sad.” The boy pouts and Nicholas is this close to laying down his life for him. “Don’t make them sad.”

“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” he replies, diverting his attention to the little guy in his lap after. It’s true, the puppy was getting sad from the lack of attention—opting to whimper at Nicholas.

“Aw, buddy. I’m sorry,” he scratches behind their ears and the puppy leans into his hand, content. “Aren’t you just the sweetest thing? Yes you are, mhm!”

Nicholas looks up at Euijoo to see him snickering. 

“Found something silly again, baby? Hm?”

The boy nods. “You’re cute.”

Euijoo goes back to sipping his tea while Nicholas brings up a book that Euijoo has apparently fallen in love with, if his smile when Shiori’s name is mentioned is anything to go by.

Nicholas feels like he’s the prettiest person at Cinderella’s ball.

borderline princesses, definitely losers

guys i’m

wow

he

wow

gremlin stay BACK (yuma)

NICO HYUNG!!!!

old, almost in the grave (kei)

i expect nothing else from my angel ejoo

YOUR? ANGEL?

old, almost in the grave (kei.)

calm down there, casanova

i’m not trying to steal your precious euijoo away

gremlin stay BACK (yuma??)

yeah kei hyung is too busy trying to get fuma hyung to confess already

old, almost in the grave (kei.)

HEY

adopted son (jo!!)

tbh yeah

old, almost in the grave (kei.)

WHAT THE FUCK SLANDER??? HELLO???

gremlin stay BACK (yuma??)

surprised you know what slander is

please he was there for the signing of the declaration of independence ofc he knows what slander is

old, almost in the grave (kei.)

I LITERALLY ????? BREATHED ????

ok nicho ig ur not getting exclusive eui pics

WAIT PLEASE 

HOLD ON

SPARE MY LIFE 

DONT YOU CARE ABOUT MY WELL-BEING

old, almost in the grave (kei.)

after your insults i see no reason to

DONT YOU WANT EUIJOO TO GET A BF

old, almost in the grave (kei.)

sure 

he can get one that doesn’t slander my GOOD NAME 

NO WAIT PLS

OK FINE

i am on . my knees . begging. ONE CHANCE PLS

let me be his bf

pls // i need to be his bf

adopted son (jo!!)

wow he’s really down horrendous huh

gremlin stay BACK (yuma??)

yeah tbh

oh yeah btw what did you two do on ur date

ok first of all: not a date.

he was thanking me for helping him during our first hangout

gremlin stay BACK (yuma??)

u wanted it to be a date SOOOOO bad

AND SECONDLY: WE WENT TO A SAMOYED CAFE!!

shush child

old, almost in the grave (kei.)

WHAT

THAT'S EUIJOO’S FAVORITE CAFE

I LITERALLY BEGGED HIM TO TELL ME WHERE IT WAS FUMA WOULDNT LET ME KNOW

adopted son (jo!!)

lmao why 

old, almost in the grave (kei.)

fuma said smth about euijoo not particularly liking to go there w anyone 

so he made me promise that i would only go if euijoo asked me to go w him or smth

adopted son (jo!!) 

that makes sense

rua said that euijoo hyung doesn’t really like when unexpected stuff happens

so he doesn’t like when he randomly meets his friends at places bc he didn’t plan to see them that day

old, almost in the grave (kei.)

OMG RUA MY BABY

hello ????? 

HELLO????

BACK TO EUIJOO AND I HERE ????

gremlin stay BACK (yuma??)

no go be gay in an isolated space

WTF ???

★彡

Nicholas read somewhere once that it takes 66 days for a task to become a habit.

Bullshit.

You know how he knows? Because it took three seconds for admiring Euijoo’s smile to become a habit. It took two days for drawing out Euijoo’s bright, soft laugh to become a habit. 

It took seven days—the seven days after their first hangout-date- thingy —for spending time with Euijoo to become a habit.

(He marvels at how many habits he gained these past two weeks.)

History also seems to repeat itself, which is why Euijoo is in his living room, sitting on the floor with his back to the couch and enjoying hazelnut boba. He seemed to really like that flavor and while Nicholas had planned to let Euijoo visit his dorm, he still didn’t know what they would do. 

Luckily, Nicholas caught a glimpse into his room and saw some paints he had leftover after doing some community service at a daycare.

“Hey, Ejoo?” 

The said boy rocked back and forth as he hummed in response.

“Do you like painting?”

Euijoo hummed again, nodding.

“…Sweetheart?” 

Humming.

“Are you alright, baby?”

More humming. Nicholas stares until Euijoo looks up at him, making grabby hands.

“Want me with you there, love?” 

Euijoo nods curtly, giggling—probably because of the nickname. “Nico…” He whispers, eventually shaking his head and beckoning Nicholas over instead.

Confused, Nicholas approaches tentatively. Euijoo has his phone out and seems to be typing quickly before turning his phone to face Nicholas, who is now kneeling beside him. 

Sorry, Nico :( I went nonverbal suddenly. I dunno why?

Nicholas raises an eyebrow, curious as he processes the message he sees on Euijoo’s notes app. “Nonverbal?”

Euijoo’s eyes widen before he types up an explanation.

I thought you knew about it already.

Nicholas shakes his head. “I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t know. I don’t know what ‘nonverbal’ means either—I can guess but-”

Euijoo nods greatly, like he finally understood what Nicholas was confused about.

Do you remember when we first met? When I couldn’t talk because of my meltdown?

“Of course, love. I was worried I wasn’t doing enough for you.” 

Euijoo shakes his head as if to say no, you did enough , before going back to typing.

I couldn’t talk. It’s the same thing right now.

“But you feel alright?”

Euijoo nods.

Sometimes it happens. I think this time it’s because it’s my first time here… and you make me nervous. 

Nicholas smirks. “In a bad way, baby?”

Euijoo shakes his head frantically and types NO NO NO!!!! 

Nicholas giggles, shaking his head. “I’m teasing, love. Don’t worry.”

The two sit in silence as Nicholas thinks. Euijoo gives his full attention—or really, whatever part of it hasn’t shot off to the astral plane already—to him.

“Do you want me to show you around the apartment? So you can get more familiar with the place?”

Euijoo shakes his head. 

I’m okay with your apartment. Do you have something to listen to? A movie or music would be nice.  

Nicholas smiles. “Of course. My TV has Netflix, Disney Plus, YouTube, and Spotify. Do you wanna choose while I get the painting supplies?”

We’re painting?

“I mean, if you want to,” Nicholas shrugs. “I have the supplies for it. The canvases aren’t exactly clean because they were from a daycare, but the paints and brushes are fine.”

Euijoo hums again, thinking. 

Can you get the stuff and then help me choose a movie? There’s too many choices and it’s a little overwhelming.

Nicholas nods excitedly. “Of course! Do you want a blanket?”

Euijoo types something and looks up shyly. 

Can you give me a hoodie and a blanket?

The thought of Euijoo in one of his hoodies makes him want to melt into the floor from the sweetness of this boy. He might as well live in Candyland with the amount of sugar he feels rushing through his system. 

“You- you want one of my hoodies?” 

Euijoo nods before smirking and tilting his head. 

Is it not okay?

Nicholas feels like he’s caught in headlights, staring at Euijoo’s face like it’s the best work of art he’s ever seen. Like he would pay every cent in the world to see it again.

“You-“

Euijoo giggles as Nicholas huffs, rushing over to his room to get everything they need. 

While in his room, he takes a few moments to breathe and look at himself in the mirror to make sure he doesn’t look like a stupid, bumbling idiot. After adjusting his hair to his liking and getting one of his bigger hoodies. Euijoo was only a bit taller than Nicholas, yeah, but there was just something about Euijoo drowning in his clothes that made him feel so light.

(In a good way, of course.)

the MAKSTER ! (maki)

OMG MAKI

HE

HE WANTS TO WEAR MY HOODIE

FAINTS SCREAMS KICKS GIGGLES

HES LITERALLY .. OS CUTELFJSOSOSOSOSO

the MAKSTER ! (maki)

dude stop texting 

pay attention to ur bf :P

not my bf BUT OKOKOK

HHHHHHHHHHHH

After another breath, Nicholas shoves his way past his nervousness and emerges from his room with things cluttered in his arms. He drops the painting supplies on the living room carpet clumsily, making Euijoo shut his eyes tight as if he anticipates a large sound from the cascade of the paint palette. 

The sound is dulled by the carpet, and Nicholas gently holds his hand, apologizing quietly.

Euijoo shook his head and Nicholas can finally sigh in relief as the boy doesn’t look too freaked out. Euijoo slips on his hoodie, not putting down the hood, and Nicholas wants to… wants to… he doesn’t know.

A phone shows up in his face while Euijoo gently taps his arm, and Nicholas is back from whipped land. 

Can we pick something to watch now?

“Of course, love. Here, wanna open Netflix?”

A nod.

“Cool. So…” Nicholas starts, running his eyes over the options on the homepage of Netflix. “How do you usually choose things when they’re overwhelming?”

Euijoo types for a bit as Nicholas scrolls languidly through the Netflix catalog.

When I’m alone, I choose from a list of movies I’ve been wanting to watch. When I’m with other people, I let them choose. I don’t know what you want to do.

Nicholas hums after reading Euijoo’s words.

“Then how’s this? I’ll give you two options at a time so we can narrow down what we wanna watch as we go. I don’t really mind whatever you choose, so don’t make your choices based on me, okay angel?”

Euijoo nods.

“Cool!” Nicholas smiles, going to hold Euijoo’s hand as he stops scrolling. “Do you want to watch a movie or a show?”

Euijoo doesn’t look at the TV, seemingly focused on the paint palette. The boy puts up two fingers as if to say the second one , and Nicholas adjusts the category on Netflix to TV Shows. 

“Right. Live-action or anime?”

Euijoo keeps two fingers in the air.

“Baby, here’s where you can say you don’t want either, okay? Just shake your head. There’s a lot of genres—unless you wanna hear all of them right now?”

Euijoo nods before realizing he didn’t answer a question—typing with one hand on his phone.

Can you read the genres out to me?

Nicholas squeezes his hand and lists them off one by one.

Eventually, Euijoo sits there as the previews for some random anime go on in the background. Quickly, he points to the TV, choosing that anime. He leans into Nicholas’s side, feeling guilty. Not that Nicholas will ever know. 

( He’d probably hate me if I took any longer, Euijoo thinks—resigning himself to the doubt that festers with each passing moment Nicholas has to deal with… everything he is.)

Euijoo watches in slow-motion almost as Nicholas opens his mouth, and he shuts his eyes preemptively as he waits for yells to fill the cavities in his ears like a gas expanding to fill a room.

“Huh. I’ve never heard of Kotaro Lives Alone before.”

Euijoo opens his eyes again slowly, seeing Nicholas read the description of the anime.

It doesn’t sit right with Euijoo. Why does this man do everything so perfectly for him and take nothing for himself? Guilt circles his insides—riding up his esophagus then back down into his stomach and then bounces everywhere in his intestines—and dear lord, he’s stressed once again. 

He doesn’t realize he’s shaking until Nicholas’s hand cups his face, making Euijoo look up at him.

“Euijoo, love, what’s wrong?”

Euijoo is trying his best to reel himself in, to force something out of his vocal chords, to make his fingers type, sign—anything to communicate that he can’t right now and he has so many options in front of him to choose from and he needs to paint and pay attention to Nicholas and —

“Can you hear me, Euijoo? Just shake your head yes or no, hm?”

Euijoo’s head finds Nicholas’s shoulder again, processing the question slowly; silently thanking the stars and heavens that Nicholas asked this way. He nods.

“Good. Thank you, angel. Now, do you still wanna paint and watch anime? Yes or no, just like the last one, baby.”

Euijoo thinks. He wants to enjoy this… hangout, date thing with Nicholas. The boy is wonderful company, and he’s willing to do things like this for him. Fuma would approve, and so would his Kei hyung. 

Eventually, he nods.

Nicholas beams yet it goes unnoticed by the boy on his shoulder. “I want to do those things with you too, my darling. I’m going to turn the anime on now, okay? Do you want to keep cuddling like this until you calm down? Or maybe even until later, when you have to leave?”

Euijoo is back and processes everything much faster again. It’s crazy—the effect This Man has on him. He nods.

Without another word, Nicholas turns on the anime and shifts Euijoo onto his lap. 

“This alright?”

It’s crazy how a question can make someone feel so free. The prospect is uncomfortable—it sits thick on his tongue while also digging into his back, peaking out just above his abdomen. He does, though, snuggle closer to Nicholas, hoping that it’s an answer. 

Nicholas sinks his back into the front of the couch, carefully accommodating Euijoo’s space while setting up the paints with water that Euijoo didn’t know was near them. Regardless, Nicholas picks up a messy canvas with some light pink paint splattered on it and begins mindlessly creating something.

“Photographic memory?”

It isn’t the first time Nicholas hears his voice that day, but it feels like he’s coming home to an old friend after he hears it. Like Euijoo showed up at his house for some hot chocolate after not seeing each other for three months. It made him feel warm.

“Well, photographic memory isn’t really real, but yeah. I remember the landscape of the park next to campus when I was waiting for your class to end, but I wanted to mix up some of the colors.”

Euijoo’s voice seems to evade him again as Nicholas waits patiently for his response. He’s sure he looks like a fish as he repeatedly opens his mouth, only for either a strangled sound or nothing at all to erupt. It’s like forcing a format volcano to erupt by willpower—it didn’t do anything.

Nicholas, ever the gentleman, simply waits, continuing to paint here and there.

You know how to draw?

“Ah.” Nicholas smiles. “Well, kinda? I minor in painting but I’ve taken several drawing classes. I’m better at painting than drawing with other media.”

Euijoo nods, his wrists itching to get activity in for the day. He resigns to reaching for his own painting materials while trying to stay close to the warmth that Nicholas produces. It’s much too close and much too good to not do such a thing, after all.

Nicholas sees his efforts and laughs a little, helping Euijoo reach the paints he couldn’t before.

“Whatcha’ gonna paint?”

Euijoo uses a spare pen to lightly score the canvas, drawing a specific shape.

“A cat?”

Euijoo nods, and writes in adorable handwriting at the top of his canvas, almost like a title of the painting.

Nico ♡

And once again, Nicholas is gone.

★彡

He might as well be six feet under with the stupid amount of melting, dying, internal sobbing, and physical panic he has felt in the past couple weeks. It’s been a couple days after their little hangout at his apartment, and their finished paintings sit in his bedroom, on his dresser—where he can look at them every morning and adore the same boy again and again; as if he were a dream he forgot as he woke up and the real world was telling him that yes, Euijoo exists!

(“Not good.”

Euijoo says, feeling just well enough to say phrases. It makes Nicholas a bit more comfortable too, seeing as he doesn’t have to worry about Euijoo’s mental state as much after the considerable improvement.

Either way, the results of his painting were so endearing.

“Baby,” Nicholas comforts. “It looks adorable. The eyes are the cutest part!”)

Anyway, Nicholas arrived on campus for his 10am and he’s 100% ready to take a quiz on how he’s feeling: option a: wonderful; b: creative; c: excited. He’s clearly picking all of the above for, really, no reason at all. He just… is feeling that way. Woke up on the right side of the bed, really!

…

Okay, well.

It does have something to do with Euijoo texting him this morning.

He glances over the entire conversation one more time while walking towards his 10am, committing to memory so that he could replay the monarch butterflies fluttering about his stomach. 

my angel (eui <3)

my angel (eui <3)

niconico!! :]

good morning hehe <3

hey there bub :)

good morning to you too <3

my angel (eui <3)

can we go to the night market!!!

so suddenly?

my angel (eui <3)

not really suddenly;; kei hyung told me

he said it’s really cool ! and fun !

fuma said to bring my headphones n stuff

cuz it’s loud :(

then yes, let’s go :]

my angel (eui <3)

REALLY !!!

yes, sweetie. 

when does it start? 

i can pick you up about 30 mins beforehand.

Nicholas’s only regret? Being so egregiously dry that you could’ve seen something close to the Sahara desert in his text messages. He wasn’t a texting person—more of a writing, talking type of person—and his inability to express himself over arbitrary messages was such a stark contrast to Euijoo’s expressiveness. Nicholas guessed that it was because Euijoo didn’t get the chance to think through his words in real life, and texting offered that avenue that he liked. Still, limitations for anything exist, and Euijoo had expressed—time and time again—that he hated having to guess someone’s tone over text and getting it wrong.

Still, Nicholas doesn’t think even the strongest warrior could resist laying down their life for this sweet, sweet boy. So really, how would he, a simple college student, be able to resist?

Answer: He literally can’t. 

So when Euijoo runs up to him after classes, all physically affectionate for once—holding his hand and shit—he really wants to give the world to Euijoo; wants to bring down entire cities for him; wants to give his heart to the nearest vampire just for a chance to see him smile.

(Call him egregiously down bad , but Nicholas doesn’t care at this point.

((“Nico-hyung, this is the fifth time today you’ve talked about Euijoo hyung.”

Nicholas huffs, stirring around his americano as he sits across Maki. The two are in a cafe, trying to study for their psych test next week, and Maki has his arms crossed—raising an eyebrow at Nicholas’s antics.

“I think I’ve heard enough about his subtle dimples, Nico-hyung.”

Nicholas rolls his eyes. “Clearly you have not.”

Maki looks at him squarely, and—deadpan—goes: 

“Yes, I have. And his cute sweaters. And his smile that crinkled his eyes. And his cute habit of tilting his head when he’s thinking too hard. And his natural pout.”

Nicholas shakes his head as if he’s denying the serious accusations of being immersed in whipped culture. As if he can escape what he brought on to himself.

“Nicholas hyung, you’re whipped as fuck.”

“So what if I am?” The man in the wringer responds, not bothering to plead his innocence. He might as well give up on Phoenix Wright defending his case. “And language . Babies shouldn’t curse.”

It’s Maki’s turn to roll his eyes. “We’re in college, Nicholas hyung. And!” Maki throws his pen down on the table gently. It rattles around, hitting his mug of hot chocolate in the process. “Obviously you need to ask him out.”

Nicholas sighs. “Maki, I—“

Maki shrugs quickly. “I'm just saying. What are you so worried about?”

Nicholas avoids his eyes, finding his psych notes so interesting to gaze lovingly at, apparently. “Dunno. I guess I’m scared. That I won’t be able to love him like he needs to be loved.”

Maki’s playful glare lightens into a smile. “I’d say you’re doing a pretty good job of loving him already, hyung.”

Nicholas shakes his head. “Still, it might not be enough.” 

“Are you doing your best?”

Nicholas pauses for a moment, taking a chance to think about Euijoo. How the boy told him he was grateful for him and his warm presence. How the boy appreciated taking care of him during his nonverbal episode. How he remembered small things about Nicholas that he didn’t even think existed to remember.

“I think I am.”

Maki shrugs. “Then that’s all that matters.”)))

Still, Euijoo hugging him made him feel better, considering the concerning voicemail he received from his parents that left him in shambles. Apparently they got new numbers, and the first thing they did was yell at him once again.

(“Yixiang, why are you still fucking around.”

It was not a question. His father’s voice is jarring for him, who has been living blissfully in his own bubble selfishly, running away from the things that made him feel stressed; things he does not feel ready to face. 

He hears the anger, the sternness—all the old tones he wanted to forget—and he wants to throw his phone away, break it in half—anything to get away from them again. He blocks the number, an easy practice for him, and he looks at himself in the mirror to find a distorted version of his face—cracked here and there, shattered on the right, curved chin; like he’s purposefully seeing himself through a funhouse mirror.

“ Yixiang ,” He hears in his head, and his mother’s pleading tone surrounds him. 

His name is not the only thing that leaves him five years old again, begging for his mother to scoop him up and calm him down. In the past and in his faint delusion, she does nothing of the sort.

“You don’t want this, baby,” he remembers her tone being insanely saccharine. “You can’t do much anyway, considering your grades. Come home, sweetie. It’ll be good for you.”

“ You’ll actually make money. You won’t be useless. ”

What he stares at in the mirror is shattered across glass and time. Every single one of his responses. His eight year old self says he will. He’s merely eight, and he faults himself for decisions he didn’t know he had to make at eight.

When he is twelve, he lies. He blames himself for admitting it when he was eight—for agreeing with his mother based on her system of worth.

At sixteen, he snaps. He’s frustrated with the world yet powerless at sixteen. Nothing feels right, nothing goes right, and he will never do his parents right. He is different from them, he convinced himself.

At eighteen, he’s back to saying he will. He doesn’t know where to go and falls back under his parents’ spell willingly.

At twenty, he snaps again.

He understands, now, what he wants. He does not get rid of the voice inside his head as punishment.

All of them yell the same thing, and Nicholas needs them to shut the fuck up before he punches the wall.

He doesn’t think he can take them yelling at him for another second.)

He needs a break.

★彡

The night market is a loud place. It’s got people swarming around stands of food that gets Nicholas’s stomach rumbling in delight to just be near . There’s also so many little trinkets and (probably illegal) off-shoots of brands that people who weren’t immersed in the brand world wouldn’t even look twice at. Not that he was a person that could discern that stuff—considering that if he didn’t know if it was from the market, he would’ve thought it to be real and that the person wearing such things had mountains of expendable income that he, a self-sufficient college student, did not have.

Euijoo had the headphones he promised he would bring around his neck, holding tightly onto the inside of Nicholas’s arm—not done from his growing need for affection. This need culminates into a quiet question being asked; one more like an admission than anything, and Nicholas barely hears it over the sound of his heart and the murmurs of indiscernible chatter of the market.

“Can we hug like earlier, Nico?”

Again, Nicholas barely hears it, almost deciding it was a ghost whispering. To check, he turns towards Euijoo, who has an expectant face, and smiles sheepishly.

“I’m sorry, could you say that again?”

And Euijoo huffs, not liking having to repeat himself. It seems he did not plan such a response, and so he flusters himself, flailing hopelessly until his limbs arranged themselves into a semblance of the form of a hug.

“Oh,” Nicholas smiles wider. “You want me to hug you?”

Euijoo nods, so Nicholas wraps him up in his arms after they move away from the middle of the street into a smaller corner between stands. 

“Baby,” Nicholas whispers. Euijoo nods in response. “Why did you wanna hug me so suddenly?”

Euijoo takes a minute to answer, gently rocking the two of them to a sound beat that Nicholas recognizes as his own drum. “Need pressure.”

“Oh?” Euijoo confirms. “Well then, love. Thank you for telling me. Is this the right amount of pressure or would you like more, my cute little tangerine?”

Euijoo giggles and answers, “Good.”

Nicholas seems to have been doing a lot of melting recently, especially considering he feels utter bliss when Euijoo buries his face in his neck. He feels Euijoo’s smile against his supraclavicular skin, and he rests his nose in the boy’s hair—contentment writhing up and down his spine.

They stay like that until Euijoo stops rocking the two of them, staying still and peeking at Nicholas from his place in the boy’s neck. As a thank you, Euijoo hugs him tighter before unraveling himself—wishing that he pressed a kiss to Nicholas’s neck instead.

Meanwhile, time seemingly skips around as Nicholas leads him to a nearby stall with little character keychains—his eyes set on a pair of Kuromi and My Melody keychains. 

“Aren’t these adorable?” Nicholas holds them up, moving to hold up My Melody next to Euijoo’s face.

“You kinda look like her! So cute,” Nicholas smiles, and Euijoo feels heat crawl to his face.

“Nuh-uh…”

Nicholas laughs, amused at the boy’s reaction. 

“Fine then, love. But!” Nicholas holds another keychain, this time of Ponyo. “If you deny the My Melody resemblance, you can’t deny the one you have with Ponyo!”

Euijoo whines and headbutts Nicholas gently, falling into the other boy with practiced ease.

“Fine,” Euijoo eventually huffs, admitting defeat. Nicholas hugs him once more, and the two stay in that position—endlessly comfortable.

Well, until:

“Excuse me?” The stand owner asks. “Are you going to pay for your things?”

“Ah!” Nicholas says, and Euijoo just stares, wide-eyed—probably embarrassed. The said boy slips his headphones over his ears.

“Yes, sorry,” Nicholas unwraps himself from Euijoo but keeps holding his hand. 

Nicholas takes out his wallet. “I’ll pay for all three. How much is it?”

The man running the stand rolls his eyes. “It’ll be $25.”

Suddenly, a woman, who seemed to have been watching their interaction, interrupts. “Honey, give them those two for free.”

The woman points to Kuromi and My Melody and the man glares. “Are you trying to make us go broke—“

The woman ignores him and turns to the duo. “Sweeties, take these two for free, alright? My husband here—“ she gestures to the man who interrupted him, “—apparently doesn’t believe in the concept of young love. Crazy, really, considering we were the same when we were your age.” 

The woman winks and proceeds to bag the My Melody and Kuromi keychains. She even looks apologetic when she tells them, “You’ll still have to pay for that one though, dear.”

Nicholas shakes his head. “It’s okay, ma’am. I would’ve gladly paid for all three of them. Please let me give you a little extra for the two free keychains.”

Euijoo nods rapidly, wrapping himself around Nicholas’s right arm like a koala. The woman smiles. “See, honey! How could you charge these sweet boys so much?”

The man huffs. “Sorry, honey.”

Nicholas now only has to pay $7, and immediately gives the Kuromi and Ponyo to Euijoo, who gazes that the Kuromi keychain—confused.

“Why Kuromi?” Euijoo pats his headphones, and Nicholas discovers a new, adorable habit of his.

“Because,” Nicholas smirks. “If My Melody is you, then I’m Kuromi.”

Euijoo looks at him expectantly still. “So?”

“So,” Nicholas squeezes his hand in apology for being vague. “If you have Kuromi, you’ll think of me. And if I have My Melody, I get to be reminded of you.”

“Then shouldn’t you have Ponyo too?” Euijoo asks, looking around for food that they could eat.

“Well,” Nicholas shrugs. “I just wanted you to have two keychains, to be honest. We’ll be together on your bag or something.”

“Then why not just keep Ponyo and I get My Melody? That way both of mine match.”

“My Melody is my favorite.” Nicholas sticks out his tongue. 

“Oh, okay.” Euijoo nods. “But what if you kept both the My Melody and the Ponyo and then I keep the Kuromi? So you get both of me and I get you?”

Nicholas laughs. “And so which ones do you want, baby?”

“I don’t really … know.” Euijoo shrugs. “It’s like. I— I don’t know? I don’t want to say it doesn’t matter to me what I get but it does because I want to keep yours, but I also don’t have a preference?”

Euijoo pouts, tapping his headphones again. “This is hard.”

Nicholas smiles, and Euijoo realizes all Nicholas has been doing while he was talking was watching him. “Well, is it okay if I keep My Melody? I just think she’s the cutest—just like you.”

Euijoo shrugs. “Okay.”

In a flash, the topic of keeping keychains is forgotten as Euijoo spots a peanut stand, wanting to eat some roasted peanuts. In the process of getting to the stand, he barrels through the crowd, tugging Nicholas along and flapping their hands around.

Nights with Euijoo gave him a place where breathing was easier, and he would fight for this opportunity again and again. 

He does not text anyone that night, settling into his happy memories and allowing himself to be that bit selfish.

★彡

“So where are you going this week?”

Jo upwraps a croissant decorated with almonds and chocolate—probably filled with chocolate too. The boy seemed to have a sweet tooth. Nicholas smiles at the younger eating sweets, for he was still young—too young for people to restrict him from eating what he likes.

“I’m thinking the museum,” Nicholas shrugs. “It’s quieter, and Euijoo loves art anyway.”

Jo hums. “Yeah, it’s the only thing Euijoo can talk about for a long time.”

Nicholas nods, smiling fondly at his keychain-turned-phone-charm (that he only realized after he went home and stared at it, laying back on his bed) of My Melody. 

“Whipped,” Jo whispers under his breath. Apparently though, it was just loud enough for Nicholas to perk up and roll his eyes.

“Please, son,” he says, voice dripping with sarcasm. “Don’t think you can talk. I’ve seen you with a certain Rua and Ma-kun before.”

Jo goes through a series of flustered expressions as if he didn’t know how to react. “Shut up, old man!”

“Just don’t hurt Maki, and I won’t come for your ass anymore—got it?”

Nicholas shrugs and sips away at his tea quietly, watching Jo silently mull over his previous words. He’s content to sit there in the silence that overtakes them as he reads over his outline for a French Lit paper he has to write. He no longer feels the urge to act beside himself anymore—to fill the silence he used to when he was still Nicholas The Engineering Major Who Loved Pleasing His Parents and not Nicholas. He is free to not think much about the physics of materials engineering, and he is free to never even process the existence of an integral in his life.

“Oh, I meant to give you this,” Jo says after a while. Nicholas looks up from his laptop, tilting his head. It seems to be a letter from Fuma. The two of them were not that close—Nicholas being a little closer to Kei—but they did sort of bond over the fact that both of them could help out Euijoo when he needed it. Up until now, Fuma was sort of a bigger figure in Euijoo’s life, and it felt like Nicholas had to gain his approval before he could even think about doing anything remotely romantic. Which, of course, he still did because again, how could anyone not ?

Nicholas opens the letter tentatively as if he received some sort of creepy invitation from a rich bachelor next door that’s obsessed with a green light across the bay. Instead, the note is pretty harmless, reading: text me. I have something I need to discuss with you about euijoo.

Immediately, concern replaces fear and not in a good way. He brings out his phone, immediately texting the number scrawled on the paper.

Fuma (euijoo’s father figure ??? EEK)

hello this is nicholas

Fuma (euijoo’s father figure ??? EEK)

Oh good, you texted me.

Like I said, I need to talk to you about Euijoo.

is he okay?

he’s not hurt or anything, right? 

Fuma (euijoo’s father figure ??? EEK)

If he was, the person who did hurt him would be dead where they stand

… right

So Uh ?

Fuma (euijoo’s father figure ??? EEK)

Can you meet up? I prefer to get this done as soon as possible.

Just in case. 

i’m w jo right now, but ig u can come to the cafe we’re at

this is the address 

[ link ]

Fuma (euijoo’s father figure ??? EEK)

Will do.

Fuma arrives with the subtle wind of fall hinting its way through the cafe. Jo and Nicholas look up to meet them with their eyes, and the man strides over, endlessly determined. Perhaps it was the way he looked, but if the boy wasn’t smiling, he was moving through spaces like a freight train meant to be feared—hurtling through space with purpose. It was not bad, just a little intimidating, but the man’s smile was always preferred over his bone-chilling glare.

Luckily for Jo and Nicholas, Fuma does not arrive with a glare on his neutral face, sitting down in a free chair he pulled up from another table. 

“Hi,” Fuma says, the words coming out like a huff of tiredness. Nicholas thinks that he would be tired too if he walked the way Fuma did from place to place. 

Jo nods and Nicholas greets him back.

“I’m not going to waste any time.” Nicholas and Jo both square themselves up—with Nicholas not really knowing why Jo was still here. 

“Like I said to the both of you, I’ve been meaning to speak to you two about Euijoo and Harua.” 

Fuma looks at them both seriously, his gaze pointed as if he were analyzing the two.

“Listen,” Fuma starts. “Kei-hyung is closer to the two of you—I know. But I am closer to Euijoo and Harua and they mean a lot to me.”

Nicholas and Jo nod together; Jo fiddles with the end of his sweater. Nicholas swallows, nervous.

“First of all,” Fuma glares at them. “If they take any bullshit from you two—and I mean anything—you’re going to have to find some sort of home outside of this country because I will hunt you down if it’s the last thing I do.”

Fuma breathes out, deflating—as if he was putting his tough guy persona away in favor of a more amicable one that Nicholas saw at their first meetup. 

“Now that the intimidating part is out of the way…” Fuma whispers, more to himself. Nicholas and Jo look at him expectantly; Nicholas is still a little jarred from the change in personality because he just hasn’t known Fuma long enough. 

“Euijoo is neurodivergent, as I’m sure you know,” Fuma begins tentatively, pausing to gauge Nicholas’s reaction. When Nicholas nods, Fuma continues. “I’m grateful for the support you’ve offered him so far. But—and I’m sure that Euijoo will tell you later if you stay around—there are times where it gets worse for him than it usually does.”

Nicholas mulls over the words while both Fuma and Jo watch him. It makes him feel a little panicked—to be existent to someone while he thinks—but he gets over his discomfort by asking, “It?”

Fuma nods. “His symptoms. You’ve seen him have a meltdown before, but he has what he likes to call episodes. They’re worse.”

“I see,” Nicholas mumbles, fumbling around for a proper response as he processes the situation.

“I’m telling you this because I need you to promise to me that you will stay with him—if you do eventually decide to, that is.”

“He’s not something I want to give up. And he’s enough of an adult to tell me these things himself.”

“And I thank you for that,” Fuma sighs. “I don’t mean to infantilize him. He is precious to me, and he deserves every ounce of love he gets to make up for the shit he had to deal with. Has. To deal with.”

Fuma looks him dead in the eyes. “I’ve seen him heartbroken before, and I’d rather not repeat history. He does not deserve to be loved by people who will not love him in the way he deserves to be loved.”

Fuma’s words and gaze are clear. If you’re not up to it, don’t fucking hurt him by staying.

“I’m worried I won’t be enough,” Nicholas whispers. 

Fuma scoffs. “He’s just a normal person. Unless you think of him as “special” or something? And not in the good “special” I mean, like the “unique” shit.”

Nicholas frantically waves his hands. “No!”

“Good,” Fuma glares at him. “Because Euijoo is Euijoo, and you won’t be enough if you don’t believe you’re enough here. I’m not saying you can’t love him,” Fuma sighs. “I know it’s hard not to. But what I am saying is that if you have any intention of not taking him as the way he is, then you’re already dead to the world as we speak. Him being neurodivergent isn’t about you .”

Nicholas feels goosebumps crawl around his arms while he nods. “I promise I genuinely love him.”

Fuma smiles, and the gentle giant is finally back on Earth. “Then I’ll trust you.”

Fuma launches into a discussion about Harua with Jo while Nicholas essentially takes a backseat in their conversation. The day he sees Euijoo as anything other than himself is the day he will personally walk off that bridge into the murky abyss of the sea, but he understands and admires where Fuma is coming from. He thinks about Euijoo until the urge to text him rears its head strongly—stronger than it has this entire study session turned advice giving session. 

my angel (eui <3)

hey angel :)

my angel (eui <3)

:OOO HELLO NICO !!

i actually have smth to ask

my angel (eui <3)

?

what is it 

what did i do

i’m sorry :(

no no precious!! you did nothing wrong

i was just wanting to ask if you wanted to go to the museum this weekend

they’re having a special exhibition for african art i thought you’d want to see.

my angel (eui <3)

WAIT REALLY !!!!

yes honey. 

so? 

do you wanna go?

my angel (eui <3)

OF COURSE HHHH

niconico ur so sweet to me :(

nico the sweetest kindest most wonderful ever

please baby i’m doing this all for you 

my angel (eui <3)

? so you don’t actually wanna go?

i do !! i promise

i just thought it’d be perfect for you

and i want to spend time with you again

my angel (eui <3)

i’ve missed u all week :( exams SUCK !

[photo]

look !! kuromi n ponyoyoyo !! 

so adorable baby 

ur so cute <3

“The rest you better hear from the two of them,” Fuma finishes. Nicholas’s drink is almost gone when he looks up from his phone to see Jo and Fuma packing up their things to leave.

“Nico-ah, you’re smiling,” Fuma laughs. “Did your Euijoo text you?”

Fuma’s phrasing settles in, and Nicholas finds he does not mind it in the slightest. His Euijoo. Euijoo, Euijoo, Euijoo.

“Oh for sure,” Jo says. “Even when Maki texts him, Nico-hyung is always like, stone faced or something. Yet here he is, in whi—hey!”

Nicholas kicks Jo lightly as he packs up his laptop. “Count your days, son. You better wish it’ll be more than one hand next time I see you.” He threatens playfully.

“I know the law!” Jo exclaims, running away to the front of the shop while Fuma chuckles in admiration. It’s gentle enough to be comforting, and Nicholas gets back to his chat with Euijoo, smiling the entire way home.

Chapter Text

Nicholas doesn’t really know when he began a list of things he knew about Euijoo. It takes him zero time to update it, really, but time only serves to make him more aware of the fact that he is actively trying to know Euijoo. For some reason, the thought of knowing someone fully feels odd—feels foreign enough to feel uncomfortably familiar under his skin—and he doesn’t know how to feel about the worms slithering around under his skin like that.

It’s not something definitive in the slightest, more of a short mental record he keeps every time he goes on a date with Euijoo. Which seems odd that he’s basically starting it now, but he doesn’t really care.

Vague mental note number one: Euijoo’s favorite animals are hippos.

Nicholas finds this out when they went to the samoyed cafe, actually. Nicholas asks, are dogs your favorite animals , and strangely, Euijoo looks up at him as if he’s just asked the greatest question in the world. Well, as much as Euijoo can look at him like that when all that Nicholas can see is his eyes are wide and he begins to rock around. 

(That’s another vague mental note to be explained a little later.)

Hippos are , he says. To something of the same effect, if Nicholas remembers correctly. What Nicholas really remembers is the wave of excitement that physically spans Euijoo’s body—from the rocking and his nervous hands. It doesn’t take any burden on Nicholas for him to ask, why?

Euijoo, who seems practiced in the art of stopping himself from rambling, is then encouraged by Nicholas to keep talking about hippos. Euijoo asks, well, what do you want to hear?  

Anything, love, Nicholas says. Anything.

Euijoo talks about hippos for about fifteen minutes. Both of them don’t count, but Nicholas happens to know. There’s actually two species of hippopotamids, but three classifications. Euijoo lists. The common hippo, the Nile hippo, and the River hippo.

(Later, at the night market, he buys Euijoo a hippo phone charm, and Euijoo falls into him again—thanking him silently with a hug.)

There is no order to Euijoo’s thoughts—simply a recitation of facts and information Euijoo knows. Nicholas finds it fascinating—how his thoughts stay in his head, how chaos is normal, how order is lost to all but Euijoo. There is a pattern to the way that he talks and takes things into his head, but Nicholas recognizes that it’s so different from the way that he is. And, with his love for a lack of reason, Nicholas finds himself listening and taking in information.

He does this with anything he loves, really. Like art history. 

The museum’s exhibit was called “The Language of Beauty in African Art.” Nicholas didn’t know much about the subject, and Euijoo confessed that African art was not his particular specialty. Still, Euijoo was so excited to go, seeing as the boy jumped up and down and even said, “I’m going to the museum with Nico!” when they were on their way. 

Walking through the space with Euijoo was like having his own personal, chattery tour guide. It was a nice change, considering Euijoo loved art history to death (and let’s be honest, with the amount of coffee palpitations that boy has genuinely gone through for the sake of art history is innumerable and probably unhealthy), since Euijoo never preferred to talk for very long. Nicholas never minded his speech habits, and he was honestly glad that finally , Euijoo was doing something he loved. 

“Isn’t it interesting, Nico? Everything is so symmetric—I do remember sub-Saharan cultures incorporating symmetry because they thought of it as beautiful. Ugliness, or their perception of it, meant immortality. I think it’s so cool how—I don’t really know if this applies to humans too but often art mimics beauty standards so maybe? anyway—I think it’s cool how they were able to exaggerate forms and beliefs to include and educate people on morality and social rules, and—”

Euijoo goes on like that, with Nicholas sometimes spurring him on with thoughtful questions that weren’t really thoughtful, but Euijoo said they were so clearly they were. 

They stay in the exhibit for an hour or so more, with Euijoo gushing over the Fang people’s Reliquary Figure that he apparently studied before and absolutely loved (“Look at the way he sits on the reliquary!”). He adores each and every piece until his lungs give out, and Nicholas chuckles when Euijoo makes grabby hands for him, wanting a hug.

Speaking of hugs, that’s vague mental note number two (electric boogaloo): Euijoo really likes hugs. 

Nicholas learns this from the night where they stayed inside, painting. They were both finished at that point, now simply snacking on some chips Nicholas found in his pantry. Euijoo finally spoke—in whispers, but Nicholas would take anything if it meant it was Euijoo. 

Thank you, he said, leaning into Nicholas. That is when Nicholas found out that Euijoo’s hugs meant thank you—that when he hugged someone, fell into someone, bumped someone’s shoulder, headbutted someone, or anything really, it meant thank you, I appreciate you, I love you.

The habit is endearing as all hell, and Nicholas cannot get enough. 

He made a point of asking why Euijoo did it all the time—any kind of physical affection was welcomed but Nicholas was still curious.

Everything feels real when I touch the people I love, he said while playing with his sleeves. The world isn’t far away anymore.

What do you mean? Nicholas asks. I’m right here next to you.

The glass walls aren’t as apparent anymore when I hug someone. Euijoo says.

It takes a little more for Nicholas to understand. This “little more” comes in the form of another discussion about it in the night market, in a place by the river. Nicholas and Euijoo place themselves shoulder to shoulder on the railing by the river, and Euijoo leans into Nicholas again like it was a habit of his. Nicholas, at this point, still does not understand, so he asks again.

What do you mean by glass walls?

Euijoo breathes out, and the breath sounds shaky. He dips his head into his shoulders as if he’d been wanting to hide from this conversation for a very long time.

Imagine you live in a house that’s made of glass. He begins. It’s clear, so you can see outside. Outside, people are laughing. Outside, people have pets. Outside, people eat food with their friends. Outside, Euijoo laughs bitterly, and Nicholas begins to understand.

Outside, everything you ever want is there.  

You can’t go outside? Nicholas asks.

Euijoo shakes his head. Nicholas can see shiny tears fall into the rocks that border the river. They shimmer as much as they can with street lights and low moonlight surrounding them.

Never . Euijoo says. Nicholas aches with the heartache Euijoo’s voice contains, as if this hopeless boy was rumbling underneath Euijoo’s skin this entire time and he couldn’t do anything. The walls are thick, and while people can say hello to you through the window, you can’t go out, and, and, and—

Euijoo now collapses into himself, turning himself into a small ball. Nicholas does so too, but instead crouches near him and runs his hand through Euijoo’s hair.

Numbly, Euijoo says, that’s new.

What is?

The hair thing. Euijoo smiles. Nicholas can see his bitterness, his hurt—a lot of things through his smile. No one has ever done that before.

Well, then. Nicholas says. I’ll have to keep doing it then. 

So that the glass walls can disappear forever. Nicholas adds after a while. 

Euijoo, once again, falls into Nicholas’s chest. 

(Even at the museum, Euijoo wants a bone-crushing hug to make up for all the talking he did. Nicholas, of course, has no choice but to oblige, since he is both down in the trenches for this boy and he also wants Euijoo to melt into him. 

“You’re always so warm. So real.” Euijoo says at that time, and Nicholas laughs.

“Yeah?”

Euijoo hums in affirmation. “Nico is real. Not behind glass.”

“You’re not some artifact meant to be observed and then left behind, baby.” Nicholas says softly, trying to use a metaphor like Euijoo did. “You have a story and a purpose and a reason just like everything we saw today. You remember all those stories you told me?”

Euijoo nods. Nicholas can feel some wetness on his shirt, so he rubs Euijoo’s back gently. 

“You have one too, love. You are someone, Euijoo. You’re not some boy behind glass. You’re real.”

It takes five minutes for Euijoo to stop crying. Later, Nicholas asks why he cried.

“I’ve never felt so loved before,” Euijoo says, smiling—his eyes still a little puffy. “Isn’t it interesting? How we feel things so much that water leaks out of our eyes and our hearts get shaken?”)

Later that night as the sounds of the bustling night market fade away behind them as they walk home, Nicholas tells him about his parents.

They’re bad people, Nicholas says. They’re too complicated to sum up into an archetype. They’re just people, I guess. With lives and trauma that shaped mine badly. That made them manipulate me. That made them think they’ve got some control over me. 

How’d you get away? The question is raw and genuine and warm—as if Euijoo was concerned for the eighteen-year-old Nicholas that was scrambling to find a way out. Knowing Euijoo, he probably was.

I didn’t, Nicholas says honestly. No matter how much I don’t want them to be a part of me, they are. I don’t forgive them for it. And I still feel guilty like I did at eight years old.

Euijoo nods and hums. But eight-year-old Nicholas’s feelings matter too. Don’t forget about him. No matter how much they did.

What do you mean?

I mean, Euijoo starts slowly, that they might be people that did bad things to you, but don’t feel guilty for wanting to be yourself. I’m a hypocrite saying this, but still—the eight-year-old Nicholas who wanted to please them had his reasons for choosing the things he did.

Nicholas whirls to face Euijoo, who has stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. He sees him.  

He’s a kid. He’s you. He had your feelings. You had his. Feel guilty, sure, but there is no blame for that kid because he’s just a kid. And you, Euijoo exhales, you need to love that little kid for who he was. The one that liked reading princess stories and learning at school, not the one that said promise your parents something.

Euijoo pauses for a moment before inquiring, but then again, at what point are our decisions ours when people make them for us and we are forced to agree?

Which again leads us to Vague Mental Note Number Three: Euijoo adores philosophy so much, no matter how informal it is. 

This he learns most recently, as he discusses philosophy with Euijoo as they walk aimlessly around a park close to the museum, following the paved trails into the woods and into a clearing they find on the other side. 

Well, more informal really. Like the philosophy of absurdism, which Euijoo seems to endorse.

The pair sit down in the clearing, watching the empty night pass by together.

“I don’t know, it makes me feel better,” Euijoo says. “It makes things trivial, but also mean more. It validates our hurt, I think, to know that everything means so much because we find meaning in it. We find purpose in existence because we don’t have one.”

“Is that what absurdism is?” Nicholas looks at him, and finds a boy he finds too beautiful. The boy he had in front of his couch that watched anime, the boy who painted him as a cat, the boy who knows so much about every little thing because that’s all he knew how to do to get friends, the boy who loves so much that he breaks himself over it again and again and again . There’s a boy in front of him that is so himself after years of hard work and dealing with things by himself and he finds every moment of this boy’s existence beautiful.

Euijoo shrugs, which brings Nicholas to focus again. “It’s my version of it. Someone said before that it was looking at existence in the eye, finding you have no meaning to achieve, and still liking the tree you see on the side of the road that caught your eye as you drove by. Maybe it’s my desperate attempt to justify my failures, but I can’t help but think there’s some beauty in knowing it’s all for nothing and still living anyway.”

Nicholas lets it sink in before responding. 

“Is that the ideal you talking?”

The question shakes the both of them. Euijoo laughs, as if he’s been discovered for fraud, and Nicholas holds his hand. 

“Yeah,” Euijoo relents. “No matter what, I still find myself chasing that meaning. That one day, everything will mean something. That even when I get disappointed over and over, it will mean something to someone and finally, I can exist,” Euijoo hums. 

“I’ve always wanted to exist.”

A silence befalls them.

“You already exist,” Nicholas starts. Euijoo laughs for a lack of a response, and Nicholas continues. “No, I’m serious. You exist. Y’know why?”

Euijoo shakes his head. 

“Because,” Nicholas brushes his thumb over Euijoo’s knuckles. “Like you said, nothing matters. So then what does? Everything too. It’s like… the start of the universe. Everything was everywhere all of the time because nothing was there. Everything means something, you know. And if to exist means to mean something, then you already exist.”

Euijoo laughs, naturally falling into Nicholas as if they were magnets. “You make me sound like Gatsby.”

“Oh dear lord,” Nicholas says. “You are far from a loser with black market money. First of all, you’re not dead like him so—” 

Euijoo laughs again. “Oh my god, shut up –”

They discuss solarpunk futures and revolution and love and harmony and space colonies until their voices give out and Nicholas is dragging Euijoo back to his apartment for a sleepover.

the MAKSTER ! (maki)

that was literally the best date i’ve ever been on

HE’S SO CUTE???

i held his hand and everything :((( /pos

maki i Need to be his bf.

RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

the MAKSTER ! (maki)

It Is Three AM. THREE AM.

literally go away

WTF GET BACK HERE I NEED TO BE GAY

★彡

They plan to spend a whole two days together. 

It wasn’t anything new, as Euijoo often camped at Nicholas’s apartment instead of his dorm. But it was the first time they’ve formally said it out loud instead of an unplanned wanna go back to my place? I’ve got movies.

Nicholas still has movies, but this time he sets up his Netflix watchlist with the things that Euijoo has been wanting to watch for a while. 

(“There’s this one drama called Alchemy of Souls. I thought the concept was really cool, so I’ve been meaning to watch it. Oh–and Wakanda Forever? Is that on Netflix?”

Needless to say, Nicholas also adds Wakanda Forever to his watchlist for later.)

Euijoo is cute, of course he is, but this time Nicholas thinks it’s because he has a little itinerary he planned for the entire two days after Nicholas said he could plan it considering Nicholas set up the last date they had. Nicholas surprises himself by calling it a date, but Euijoo doesn’t even bat an eye. 

The list is on a little notepad Euijoo has, and Nicholas really wants to kiss him for it. 

[Date] List !! 

• Sleepover with movies + cooking !! (Friday after class hehe)
• Wake up late + Cook breakfast tgt (⌒▽⌒)☆
• Lunch @ a Cafe ! 
• Go book shopping :D !!
• Come home + read books + listen to music + watch movies
• Sleepover again

“I’ll think about tomorrow later,” Euijoo says, obviously nervous as he sits at Nicholas’s kitchen counter. “Date” is scrawled at the top as if Euijoo just added it after Nicholas said so. 

“Can I add something?”

Nicholas, who has never known himself to be bold, decides to be in this moment. 

Euijoo nods and pushes his notepad and pen over to Nicholas, who—in one swift motion—adds:

• Kiss

Nicholas passes over the notepad again and Euijoo sputters after seeing what he wrote.

Euijoo pouts. “Don’t joke about things like this…”

“Who said I was joking, love?” Nicholas smirks at the way Euijoo turns red. Nicholas thinks he adores that reactions way too much—seeing as he wants it to happen again and again just to admire it. In every circumstance.

“Then…” Euijoo whispers, standing up. “If you’re not joking, can we do it now?”

“You sure?” Nicholas smiles when Euijoo nods. “Then of course baby.”

In lightning speed and before Nicholas could even do anything, Euijoo presses a kiss to Nicholas’s cheek—no prior preparation given. Nicholas snaps out of his stupor from the soft, sweet kiss he received that he didn’t even get to feel in full with Euijoo’s teasing laugh as the boy runs away to the couch.

Nicholas smiles and feigns playful anger.

“Come back here, you little minx!”

The snacks are forgotten in the kitchen (rip Chex Mix) as Nicholas jumps on top of Euijoo, who hid under the blanket. Euijoo squeals in delight at the added pressure on top of him, and Nicholas resorts to tickling him to get him to come out from under the blanket.

“Baby~ You can’t leave lil ‘ol me hanging like that!” Euijoo just laughs harder. “C’mon, be good and kiss me properly.”

Euijoo shakes his head under the blanket, whining wordlessly. 

“No?” Nicholas asks, and Euijoo shakes his head again. “Well, then I guess I’ll have to tickle my baby some more then—!”

Nicholas aggressively tickles Euijoo while the said boy thrashes around laughing. Eventually Euijoo’s lungs hurt and he calls “Mercy! Please! Please Nico, mercy!” through fits of unrestrained laughter. 

“No! Not until I get my kiss!”

At that, Euijoo peeks his head over the edge of the blanket and Nicholas once again sees that he must’ve saved some sort of country in his past life because holy fuck i s he seeing the cutest angel in existence and he cannot get enough. 

The boy’s hair is a little fluffy and messy from his thrashing, and unshed happy tears tickle his waterline from laughing too hard. His pupils are large and he stares up at Nicholas shyly, pretty lips shaped in an O in amazement.

In short, Euijoo was exceedingly pretty and Nicholas could literally not take it anymore.

“I think I’ll die if I don’t kiss you right now,” he says, and Euijoo continues to stare silently. “Can I, my piece of heaven?”

Euijoo’s eyebrows shoot up a little more in shock, followed by a slight nod.

“Verbal affirmation, treasure.” Nicholas says, leaning a bit closer. 

Euijoo whines before giving in. “Okay,” he whispers, adding a vigorous nod to supplement his intentions.

Nicholas isn’t one to waste time, and he certainly isn’t starting the habit now. He presses his lips onto Euijoo’s and the boy under him practically preens. Nicholas doesn’t do anything except kiss him a little harder, a little deeper, and Euijoo seems to be enjoying it with his eyes screwed shut and his quiet whining. 

Eventually Nicholas finds the courage to ask for entrance using his tongue, and Euijoo tentatively opens his mouth as he gasps for air. Nicholas takes the opportunity in stride to tenderly push his tongue inside, now tasting all of the sweet boy in his arms. 

He gathers Euijoo as much as he can in an effort to switch their positions, and he does. Euijoo ends up on his lap, straddling him with his thighs on either side of Nicholas’s—the blanket sandwiched between them. Nicholas’s hands fall to Euijoo’s waist, squeezing ever so slightly; Euijoo finds the pressure to be so pleasant he wants to melt. 

He practically does in Nicholas’s hands.

They don’t do anything more inherently intimate than that. They simply lose themselves in kissing and it’s accompanying pleasantries, as if they were trying to enjoy a hot spring and they received some cold milk to drink. Nicholas, for example, runs his hands up and down Euijoo’s sides and back, all under his shirt, and Euijoo arches into it. Not to mention the sounds. Nicholas wants the entire audio-visual-sensory experience imprinted into his psyche so that he can relive it forever.

Long story short, it feels very good to be kissing the boy you like so much.

Euijoo pushes Nicholas away gently, gasping for air. Both look a little dazed. It takes a moment for both of them to register that they’re still physically close, with Nicholas’s hands still resting on Euijoo’s beautiful waist, and their reactions are wildly different.

First is Euijoo’s, who seems to process the situation a little quicker despite the cotton that feels like it’s stuffed itself in his brain and now he’s only able to think about Nicholas, Nicholas, Nicholas . He flails around, wiggling about to try and put a little distance between the two frantically, as he can’t process what just happened and he needs to quell his beating heart.

Nicholas’s reaction is to pull him a little closer, throwing the blanket out of the way and pulling his boy flush against him now.

“Don’t leave so soon, baby doll. Let me admire you.”

Euijoo can’t stop being shocked today, apparently, because Nicholas is so full of surprises, and his voice is dripping a comfortable, non-invasive sweetness that says you can say no at any time and I will stop.

However, just to make it absolutely clear, Nicholas says it out loud anyway.

“Tell me when you want to stop or if I make you uncomfortable, baby, even if it’s just something I say. Tell me. I promise that I’ll never do it again.” Nicholas finishes by taking Euijoo’s hand and kissing his knuckles. 

“My sweet boy,” Nicholas whispers, with no goal in particular in mind. He simply calls for Euijoo, testing out his new arsenal of pet names while placing kisses everywhere on his face.

“My star.” A forehead kiss.

“My prince.” One on his nose bridge.

“My baby bunny.” Two on his cheeks.

“My sweet tangerine candy.” Several near his eyes and a few on his eyelids that reflexively close.

“Snuggles,” one to the corner of his mouth. “Cookie,” another to the space between his eyebrows. “Pretty flower.”

For the last one, it’s not too special. But throughout it all Euijoo has begun to tear up and lets a few escape his rapid blinking. Throughout it all, Euijoo has made little noises, little laughs, found purchase on Nicholas’s shoulders. So when Nicholas finished with my fairy of sunshine , Euijoo begins to cry, which he feels he’s been doing a lot of lately, but Nicholas does something to him.

Nicholas immediately notices, trying to quell his cries. He pulls the boy to rest on his shoulder. “What’s wrong, dove? Hm? Did I do something wrong?”

Euijoo shakes his head vehemently. “No! No, no, no! Nico did nothin’ wrong!”

Nicholas smiles as Euijoo hiccups through his words. There will never be a day where he doesn’t find Euijoo adorable. “Then what, cuddlebear?”

Euijoo repeats a line from before, and Nicholas feels the memory materialize in front of him, where Euijoo is now in his reach, and he wonders if Euijoo can finally feel like he’s part of the world now, if his existence is tangible and not just a speck of star-turned-earth-dust that he thought it was before.

“I just feel so loved.”

Nicholas coos, the realization that Euijoo has been unloved enough to warrant him crying over this crashing down on his shoulders. He hugs Euijoo tighter, whispering everything he wants to tell Euijoo into his ear, picking him apart in his arms slowly like he’s gutting a pomegranate. Euijoo lets him.

While Euijoo is still in his lap, Nicholas moves to turn on Gakuen Babysitters, Euijoo’s comfort anime, and adjust the blanket so it falls on the two of them. He does this miraculously with one hand, but he refuses to let Euijoo go. 

As they get through the first episode of the sweet anime, Kotaro just gets sick and Euijoo finds the courage to speak up. By now, Euijoo has shifted so that he legs fall over Nicholas’s lap and his head rests on his shoulder. Euijoo looks at the said boy every now and then, trying to find the voice in him to speak. Once he does, he does so quietly—nervously.

“Thank you, kitty.” He says, and Nicholas thinks he is so gone he probably wiped off the face of the earth as soon as he hears him say it. It’s so sweet with no other implications, just a pure message of thanks that Nicholas finds himself adoring by pulling the boy closer.

Euijoo even presses a kiss to his jaw, and another to his neck, and another as he jumps up and catches the space behind his ear. Nicholas loves it, needless to say, as he goes in to capture Euijoo’s lips again.

They spend the rest of time before dinner laying on the couch, alternating between lazy kisses, adoring ones, sweet ones, and also watching anime. Nicholas rubs his hand on Euijoo's waist comfortingly, and Euijoo plays with Nicholas’s hair. It’s sickeningly sweet, really.

They even cook dinner together—making burgers for each other as Nicholas steals quick kisses in the kitchen and they even make out a little as they cook, with Euijoo sitting on the counter. Nicholas thinks he’s found a new addiction considering how much he longs to kiss Euijoo in every second, thinking that if he only had one thing to do for the rest of his life, it would be that.

As soon as Euijoo scampers to the couch with his food, Nicholas takes his time to prepare a few drinks for later when they would need them. It settles into his gut that everything is so domestic and wonderful that it feels like he’s in heaven rather than on earth. Everything checks out, seeing as there’s an angel on his couch who puts his legs on his lap as soon as he sits down.

The two fall asleep on the couch, plates and cups left for the morning as they kiss lazily until they fall asleep, TV still on.

★彡

The morning comes and Euijoo wakes up first, gingerly shaking Nicholas’s arms from around him. Which, by the way, is not an easy feat considering that Nicholas tightens his arms around Euijoo in his sleep, but Euijoo manages to slip away.

He takes the dishes from the table from last night and begins to wash them with the gloves that Nicholas had under the sink. He shudders thinking about touching wet food, so he closes his eyes when he washes the dishes, lest he wants to throw up in Nicholas’s sink. 

Once he finishes, he places them to dry in the dishwasher rack and begins breakfast.

He makes a simple one, really. When Nicholas wakes up, he thinks the opposite. 

Nicholas stumbles into the kitchen, yawning and immediately searching for Euijoo, half-awake. Once he does, he puts his whole weight on Euijoo’s back, acting like a big bear. Euijoo points this out, and Nicholas snuggles into his neck a little more and Euijoo shifts around the kitchen, cleaning up the last of his mess.

Once Nicholas fully wakes up, he realizes that a feast is in front of him. 

“I cooked with whatever I could find,” Euijoo says shyly. “I hope you like it.”

Nicholas, meanwhile, is mesmerized by the food. There’s a couple pieces of toast on a plate, all lined up and perfectly crispy. The eggs that sit on top of half of them come in two different shapes—a little bunny and a cat. The other two are simpler, with one decorated with bananas and the other with a chocolate swirl. Next to the pieces of toast are some potatoes with green onions and cheese decorating them, and Nicholas’s roll of ube milk bread seems to be opened. It seems that Euijoo has decorated a slice with a kitty and a bunny again. 

“This has to be heaven. There’s no other explanation.”

Euijoo’s laugh rings through the apartment, and Nicholas wants to bottle that sound of happiness forever—begging the universe for the chance to be selfish for once; just for this boy.

★彡

“Do we have to go?” Nicholas whines. The two finished up the movie they fell asleep to, with Nichola laying on Euijoo this time.

“Of course we do, koala bear,” Euijoo kisses him softly before pulling away again. Nicholas chases it once more, but Euijoo is faster and Nicholas makes contact with Euijoo’s hand. “You asked me to plan a date for us. Aren’t you gonna honor that?”

Nicholas smiles, then presses a kiss to Euijoo’s wrist. “I would never miss this date for the world, angel. Never. I just…”

“Mm?” Euijoo taunts.

Nicholas pushes himself up to hover over Euijoo. “I want to kiss you so much. All the time. Everywhere. Now.”

“No one is stopping you…” Euijoo whispers, eyes flickering shut as Nicholas takes the invitation and makes sure to kiss the boy stupid. 

When Euijoo’s alarm rings on his phone to remind him to eat, Euijoo is the one that pushes Nicholas off with a laugh as Nicholas whines again.

“Now now, you big baby. We need to get ready.” Euijoo says, running his hand through Nicholas’s hair. Nicholas sighs.

“Yes, love.”

★彡

It’s not really the lunch that makes Nicholas realize he’d basically do anything for this boy. It’s the bookstore that does it. 

Euijoo took Nicholas to a lesser-known bookstore, one joined with a cafe that didn’t really look like a cafe. It was only one in name, considering they sold coffee and some treats, but the seating that surrounded the counter was all beanbags and soft chairs and blankets. There was even a cute nook in the corner with more books. 

“I had this idea where we could maybe pick out books the other could read? And then we can read them together when we get home.”

Nicholas was basically in love.

“Yes. Yes—oh my god, yes. Euijoo. My starlight. My everything. My—“

Euijoo laughed. “Okay okay, prince charming. Go pick out your book for me.”

Nicholas ran through the store, trying to find Cloud Cuckoo Land. He loved the story, and he was sure Euijoo would love it too. He also settled on getting The Wolf Den and a few volumes of Kaiju No. 8.

Bounding back to Euijoo after paying, who sat in the cafe reading Meet Cute Diary , Nicholas sat down, telling Euijoo it was his turn.

Nicholas ordered a simple sweet tea in his wait for Euijoo, who took about twenty minutes. When Euijoo returned, the boy took Nicholas by the arm, saying let’s choose some together!

(Needless to say Nicholas let Euijoo drag him around while he looked like a lovesick puppy.)

borderline princesses, definitely losers

gremlin stay BACK (yuma)

just saw nicho with euijoo hyungie 

wanted to THROW UP 

don’t you DARE saying anything bad about euijoo

gremlin stay BACK (yuma)

don’t put words in my mouth

i wanted to call u ugly and in love not him

euijoo ? euijoo angel. he did nothing

old, almost in the grave (kei)

real

did nico look stupid

adopted son (jo!!)

when does he not

literally what the hell

i only come here to share things about my wonderful life

like my euijoo

and the slander i RECEIVE DAILY is unbearable

adopted son (jo!!)

L lol

old, almost in the grave (kei.)

it’s okay to look stupid nico

gremlin stay BACK (yuma??)

don’t listen to kei hyung

he’s actually laughing at you

old, almost in the grave (kei.)

HEY

adopted son (jo!!)

anyway r u two together yet

old, almost in the grave (kei.)

^

gremlin stay BACK (yuma??)

^^

… no

old, almost in the grave (kei.)

what the hell man you’re practically already dating

WE KISSED THOUGH STFU

anyway gtg haha lol

gremlin stay BACK (yuma??)

LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

old, almost in the grave (kei.)

A WIN FOR THE GAY COMMUNITY

★彡

When the two get back to Nicholas’s apartment, they crash on the couch together, excitedly pulling out their book haul as a unbearably romantic Spotify playlist rambles on in the background.

Euijoo, apparently, has been wanting to read Cloud Cuckoo Land so much, and Nicholas kisses him because Euijoo being excited is so adorable it warrants a kiss. Conversely, Nicholas almost cries when On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous falls into his hands, wonderfully weighty and ready to be opened. 

“You said you’ve been wanting to read it, and I’ve been wanting to talk about it,” Euijoo says shyly. Nicholas captures him in a big bear hug and they kiss again, gratitude radiating off of both of them.

What Nicholas doesn’t expect though is the note scrawled on the front of the first page, all in Euijoo’s writing.

Niconico,

Your presence in my life was sudden as all hell for me. I couldn’t imagine meeting you another way, seeing you another way, enjoying your presence another way.

Thank you for being so everything to me that it hurts.

I love you.

P.S. I want to be your boyfriend. Can I?

Euijoo looks at him expectantly when Nicholas shifts his gaze up to meet his. Euijoo bites his lip, and Nicholas wants to relax his wonderful boy from the nervousness.

So he does.

Nicholas kisses Euijoo for a long while, saying yes, yes, yes without words. He has no need for them, when Euijoo is there, drinking up all of Nicholas’s affection, love—everything. He has no need for them when Euijoo loves him.

“Of course, silly,” Nicholas says when he pulls away. Euijoo is panting for air—lips swollen after being kissed so hard. “I love you too.”

The two spend the rest of the night with each other, basking in the other’s presence as if they were cats basking in the sun together. Really, Nicholas would stop at nothing to keep what he has now.

Even if he has to fight the universe for it.

Which leads us to Solid, Tangible Mental Note Number Four: Euijoo loves Nicholas. So much. 

( Thank god, Nicholas thinks. Thank god this boy loves me. )