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“I missed the Beeduo mining streams.” Ranboo said as he laid in his bed, FaceTime with Tubbo on his phone screen.
Ranboo wrapped himself in his blankets completely, including the top of his head. He had been pretty restless since he’s been back. Well he’s been restless since he and Tubbo stopped occupying the same space. It was nice to wake up with someone.
“Aww I missed them too! They were always so chill, even though I was always so tired. But you look pretty tired bossman, have you been sleeping well?” Tubbo asked, “we really haven’t talked in private in a while and I can see how tired you are.”
“I just haven’t been sleeping well is all, nothing bad.” Ranboo assured like his heart wasn’t about to kill him in all its glory. “It’s just been a few days.”
“Well okay, do you want to go and get some sleep?”
Please no.
Don’t leave.
Don’t leave me, just a few more minutes.
“No I’m okay talking if you are. I’ll be up for a while but it is pretty late for you now after both our streams- you can go if you want.” Ranboo knew he wasn’t going to sleep tonight, one of them should though.
He had gotten used to watching the sunrise out his window. It was a new strange comfort of his despite it upsetting his mom. She was worried about him rightfully of course.
Ranboo was just in a ‘silly goofy mood’ and once Tubbo went to sleep or left the call he would be pulling vods from old mining streams up to sleep anyway. He hears the stories of fans watching content in order to sleep and at first he thought it was bull but now he saw the appeal.
If he ever hoped of getting any sleep there had to be one of those vods open or all hope was lost. He would have to be on anesthesia to sleep without it. It was stressful in its own way because he couldn’t just blast Tubbo’s and his voice when he wasn’t alone, so he would have ear aches from his headphones in the mornings but it always seemed worth it to get some sleep.
“I’m good to keep talking, Boo. Till I fall asleep on you.” Tubbo was in his own bed as well and he looked exhausted. It was past 3am for him, after all. Ranboo switched to Twitter and saw the screenshots of his lore seeing the books.
Here is where he could get emotional.
Because all of the pages before page 38 were written before today. But not all were written till recently. Ranboo honesty had them planned for a while up till page 32 and 33 and beyond.
Because they hit a little too close to recent events with Tubbo and maybe it wasn’t fair because they were talking now and all of Ranboo’s pent up love was now getting used with this interaction but even when Ranboo was in the UK recently, Tubbo didn’t seem to care to reach out.
Tubbo seemed fine losing parts of Ranboo when Ranboo was not fine.
Page 32: “is he trying?”
Page 33: “No. I haven’t heard from him in weeks.” And so on with actual character lore.
But maybe there was truth outside of lore to make that all hurt much worse. Maybe the words spoken from Wilbur that everyone relates to their characters in some ways is true.
Ranboo’s character was deteriorating slowly while a part of him was trying to save him. But the emotions, the overwhelming emotions were killing him. And he could just try to stop his feelings and his emotions but it was hard. He loved Tubbo and it wasn’t something easy to shut off.
But he knew that if he stopped loving Tubbo it wouldn’t change anything, he would still be soft and gentle and keep his warm heart. He would be who he’s always wanted to be and more and it wouldn’t change anything because they could be friends.
Ranboo muted as he looked up at his pill bottles. He had to take his medicine soon, it was getting to be that time of night where a reminder would go off. And then he would wake up and feel less sad, less anxious, less of anything. And that would save him from this drowning in his chest.
He reached up and hit the pill bottles to the floor and let out a shaky breath, looking back at his phone at Tubbo who was looking at something on his own phone, hardly keeping his eyes open. Ranboo unmuted.
Ranboo could feel tears forming. It all hurts. It hurts .
Ranboo waited till Tubbo’s eyes tugged shut before he set his phone down and picked his bottles off the floor to take his medicine with the leftover water in his glass from earlier.
Maybe Tubbo had forgotten those quote ‘I love you’s they shared months before. Maybe Tubbo had forgotten all the ways he loved Ranboo and all the parts of Ranboo that kept them so close.
Maybe Tubbo just wanted to forget they could be more than friends. And Ranboo could feel his heart bleeding out and soaking into his sheets.
Ranboo wrapped a blanket around his shoulders and went down the hall, knocking on his older sister's door. She had been home from college for spring break and she beckoned him to walk in. She gave him a sad look and held her arms out, sitting at her desk.
He walked over and rested his head on her shoulder as she wrapped her arms around him, “mom and dad got home a little while ago, maybe mom will do a better job comforting you then I will.”
Ranboo nodded but didn’t move for a minute. Once he was ready to move he made it to the kitchen and his mom was waiting for him. She always knew when he needed her.
She led them to his room and she moved his phone to be on the nightstand before sitting on the edge of the bed and he laid down.
She had a hand in his hair as he let out a shaky breath, “why does it hurt?” Ranboo asked weakly. He had forgotten about the call. All he could focus on was the pain.
“That’s what possibly unrequited love feels like, sweetheart and I am so sorry you have to go through that pain. I wish I could take it away and make you feel better.” She spoke softly.
“I wish it would stop hurting.. I wish I was loved back.” Ranboo was crying now. It was ugly sobs as his mom comforted him as much as he would let her. His words weren’t coherent anymore and she only left after he fell asleep. She gave a sad frown to her son and propped his phone up so Tubbo and he would face each other when they woke up.
“Is he okay?” Tubbo’s voice asked from the phone and she sighed.
“He’s hurting right now, he has been for a while.” She spoke softly to not wake Ranboo up. “He’s never been good at leaving ‘well enough’ alone, Toby. It’s been a year or so now since he’s been like this. I guess tonight was his breaking point for some reason.”
“Who hurt him?” Tubbo asked, genuinely concerned.
“His love for you.” She said, “goodnight, Toby.” She left the room and Tubbo just blinked a few times, looking at the dried tears on Ranboo’s soft face.
He really fucked up, didn’t he?