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“She used to tell me that it’s not what’s at the end of the road that draws us to it.
“It’s who we find along the way that keeps us going.” -Monika, Longer Roads Mod
Beep… Beep… Beep… Beep…
As I enter the room again, the sound of the heart monitor in the corner fills my ears.
I almost feel like I should be used to the sight I see before my eyes by now. Yet I have to pause all over again to take her in.
My childhood friend. My best friend. Sayori Fujioka. Lying alone on a hospital bed.
She has an IV drip attached to her arm and a ventilator over her mouth. A thin blanket covers her body. The bandages that’d been around her neck when she was first placed in here are long gone. The injuries had long since healed.
Had I not been in a hospital right now… had the past few months never happened... I almost could have convinced myself that she was sleeping peacefully right now.
…
…
I'm forced to fight back tears. My fists clench at my sides.
Even now, two months after the school festival, two months after the events of that morning, seeing her like this still breaks my heart into so many pieces. Reminding me how this was all my fault.
I should have paid more attention to her. I should have spent more time with her… I should have cared more about what she was going through after she admitted that she had depression.
I shouldn’t have let her go home after she confessed.
I should have saved her sooner…
I should have saved her sooner...
…
…
It takes a moment, but I’m able to walk forward, sitting down in a chair next to her hospital bed. I try to force a smile on my face.
"H… Hey, Sayori." I managed to get myself to speak. "I'm here again, just like I promised."
Beep… Beep… Beep… Beep…
Her body doesn't react. The heart monitor doesn't change its pace.
It had brought comfort, at first. The various machines around the room were an indication that my best friend was still alive. That her parents and her doctors still hoped that she’d wake up one day…
...
My hands trembled for a moment, but then, I forced them into tight fists and fought to keep the smile on my face as I looked up at her.
"School… was rough this last week. Mr. Sukihero has been as scary as ever in P.E. But I preferred getting beat up learning kendo from him than the crap we're learning in Calculus lately.
"Do you remember learning about derivatives? Well, apparently, there's also a thing called anti-derivatives and they suck even more than the original derivatives." I continued to speak, telling my best friend about my week while trying to keep my voice light.
The doctors said that she was in a coma because of the extended duration of time her brain had lacked oxygen. Had I arrived any sooner, had I not had the bright idea of smashing the blue glass butterfly decoration she kept on her desk so I could use the shards to cut the rope…
I should have been grateful she was only in a coma instead of…
"As for the Literature Club, everyone is still doing well." I forced myself to continue after I finished talking about school. "Monika is the same as always. Giving out work assignments at the end of the day. Talking with us one on one to explore our writing styles while everyone helps each other to expand our literary horizons."
"Monika's really been into western literature lately. And Yuri finally got Natsuki to read one of her fantasy horror novels. Though she had to read one of her manga in exchange." I almost chuckle before I pause and think over my next words.
…
“Also, I thought you should know… Natsuki moved out of her Father’s house last week, the day after I visited you.
“Apparently, he’d been abusing her for a while. None of us even knew it was happening even though the signs were all there.., the bruises on her arm. Her weird reasoning for keeping her manga in the clubroom… her happiness and relief when one of us would invite her to our homes for dinner.”
"We... I couldn't believe it. She'd been going through so much and none of us noticed it..."
My fist clenched up again, but I force myself to keep going, to keep smiling. “But things are getting better for her now. She’s living with Yuri while the police hold her dad in custody. She’s definitely seemed a lot happier these last few days and far less biting than she was before. I doubt you’d be able to believe it even if you saw it.”
…
Beep… Beep… Beep… Beep…
There is no reaction from her.
“As for Yuri herself, well, I don’t know if she’s been cutting her arm lately or not. But me and Monika walked her to her therapy session last Saturday, and her counselor seemed to be very proud of her after she stepped out of her office.
“It’s really been a relief, seeing the others getting better. We’ve been trying our best to help one another in any way possible…”
…
The doctors had mentioned that patients in a coma could remember what occurred while they were comatose. I didn't know if it was true or not, but it was one of the few things that kept me motivated to come back every week. To hold her hand in mine. To try and talk as if everything was getting better in our lives in the hope that she’d know I was here. That I wanted to talk to her. That I genuinely wanted her to know things were getting better. That I and the others were fine.
And… and maybe then, she might… she just might...
…
It took me a while to realize that I'd stopped speaking. I was staring down at her face, one of my hands resting on her hair. Next to where her red bow would have been if she had been wearing it.
I wanted to talk about our childhood next. I’d resort to that when I’d reach this point. If she could listen to what I was saying right now, I didn’t want her to be sad for my sake. I wanted to leave her alone with nothing but my troubles to bother her.
I… didn’t want her… to hurt more for my mistakes…
…
"They… they really miss you, you know." I finally spoke again. I could barely hear my voice as tears filled my eyes. "I… I miss you, so much, Sayori."
I should have known I could only keep up the charade for so long before I finally broke.
“They’re all getting better… but you’re still here because of me.”
Beep… Beep… Beep… Beep…
The heartbeat monitor continued as normal. And it pissed me off so much. Even though I was next to my best friend, I felt so alone!
I could feel a mountain of emotions pressing down on me and I didn’t have the strength to carry it anymore!
I know I'm venturing into dangerous territory for myself, and maybe for her too, but I can't help it! I can't pretend that everything is okay when it's not!
She was the one who'd been a master at doing that. And if it hadn't been for my stupid %$# looking up at her window the morning of the festival and spotting the rope hanging from her ceiling fan, I would have never realized what she was doing until it was too late!
Hell, I’d nearly been too late when I found her hanging by her neck in her room.
Gods, she'd not only admitted that she had depression, but she’d confessed that she loved me too! And I'd told her that I loved her back and to trust that I knew what was best for her to try and cheer her up! And I'd been so, so freaking STUPID!
My head fell down to my chest. I couldn't help the sobs that wracked my throat as I patted her hair. Wishing I could brush and fix it just like that day in the Literature Club. That first day when I’d been able to bond with my best friend again for the first time in years in an attempt to make her more presentable to the others.
"Sayori, I… I'm so… so…" Sorry? Sad? Depressed? All of the above?!
…
"I can't do this anymore..."
My inner thoughts must have gotten to my tongue because when I spoke again, it is with the most self-deprecating tone in the entire world.
"I hate myself… for so many things…”
…
I feel numb as I continue. "I hate that I let myself push you away over the years.
"I hate that I never paid you any attention when you started arriving at school late.
“I hate that I was a jerk to you when you were only trying to help me out.
"I hate that I didn't try harder to convince the others to let me help you out with Festival preparations.
"I hate that I didn't decide to stay with you that Sunday, instead of leaving to help Natsuki with baking cupcakes.
"I… I hate that I didn’t invite you into my home. That I didn’t try to stay by your side when you needed me most…
…
“I hate that I said 'I love you', but didn't tell you it from the bottom of my heart."
“If… if only I’d been sincere at the time like I am now… maybe, if I'd just allowed myself to be honest with you like you were trying to be with me...”
My hands lay next to her. My tears fell onto the white sheets, staining them with the salt of the unworthy.
"I’ve helped the others with their problems… But I wish that I could have helped you.
"I wish that I could hold you in my arms right now.
"I wish I could tell you how much I love you, and how I never want to let you go.
"But I was an idiot. I never thought about how my actions were hurting you. I was selfish and never thought about how my 'best friend' could be suffering so much without me knowing."
“I… I miss you, so much Sayori. I know you told me before that I should spend more time with Monika, Natsuki, Yuri… but I want to spend time with you again. I want to walk to and from school with you again. I want… I want you in my life again. I want to make you happy.
“Please… I can't live with this anymore...”
…
…
…
Beep… Beep… Beep… Beep…
It feels like hours pass, yet I know I only have one for visitation.
I'm not a relative, after all. And by the time I get here after school and club activities, there's usually only one hour left for visitations.
After I leave, a nurse will come in to take care of her.
I'll have to go out into the real world again.
I'll have to face the others at school, trying to smile while inside, I feel like everything in my life is falling apart.
"... you always said you were selfish when you were so selfless," I mutter quietly.
...
I look up at her face. "I'm the selfish one here, Sayori. I just want you to wake up so badly… and yet I’ve said such terrible things that’ll only make you worry about me.
...
“I wish I could hold you close again. That I could say I’m sorry and make up for everything that happened. Make up for all the years that we lost."
"But I probably don't deserve that... I don't deserve forgiveness for what I did..."
My tears land on her hand as I rest my face on the gurney. "I'm sorry for everything."
…
…
Beep… Beep… Beep… Beep…
The heart monitor didn't change. The sounds of the machines left a dark, oppressive atmosphere that only made the sound of my tears landing on the ground more pronounced.
It isn't long after that that a nurse knocks on the door and enters.
She doesn't have to say anything. But I know it’s my cue for me to leave.
I sat up from the chair, my back sore from the uncomfortable position I was in. Yet, instead of exiting and stretching myself out, I linger in the doorway, my eyes staring at the face of my best friend for just a few seconds.
…
Tears fill my eyes again. And I am forced to wipe them away as I step out into the halls of the hospital. Walking out back to the reality I don't want to face.
A reality that is missing the ball of sunshine that made me feel happy.
That night
…
…
Beep… Beep… Beep. Beep.
As the nurse in the room was finishing her duties, she suddenly paused.
She'd finished cleaning the girl's arm. Yet, a strange thing had just happened.
One of Sayori's fingers had just twitched.
She looked up at the girl's face. She wasn't sure if she should report this to the doctor or not, but then…
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
Sayori moaned softly, and then, her dull blue eyes slowly fluttered awake for the first time in months.
“M… Mei… ji…” She spoke in a hoarse voice.
…
The nurse's clipboard dropped to the ground.
Seconds later, she was dashing out of the room, calling for the head doctor.
“Hey.”
…
"Meiji?" My head jerked up from the book in my hands. I found Yuri looking down at me expectantly, holding her hands behind her back.
I blinked as if trying to get myself to focus. "I-I’m sorry? What were you saying, Yuri?"
It’s been almost a week since I last visited the hospital. Right now, it’s only me and Yuri in the clubroom. I have no idea where Natsuki and Monika are, but I assume they’re at the police station right now.
Natsuki likely needs to provide her testimony and evidence of her Father’s abuse, and Monika is with her so she can support their short friend.
Though, if that was the case, it’d be kind of odd for Monika to go with her instead of Yuri. It always seemed like Yuri was closer to Natsuki than the Club President. But maybe it was just an effect of everything that's happened over the last few months?
I shake my head of the intrusive thoughts and try to focus on the girl in front of me.
"Is… well…" As Yuri struggles to speak, I feel a small smile tug at my lips. Even as bad as I'm feeling right now, the other girls in the club have a way of getting me to smile that amazes even me at times.
"It's fine, Yuri. Remember, you can talk to me about anything." I tell her reassuringly.
…
Yuri breathed in deeply and looked at me with relief. While others might have found Yuri's mannerisms annoying, I thought they were kind of adorable.
And besides, I couldn't get mad at her. Not when she was going through struggles of her own.
…
Man, thinking about it, our club is full of people with messed up problems. Monika is probably the only normal one here.
"I was just wondering…” Yuri paused again to consider her words. But it didn't take long for her to say what was on her mind.
“Are you going to see Sayori again soon?" She asked, twirling some of her purple hair in her fingers.
...
"Do you need me to go with you to the hospital again?" I ask worriedly.
"No, it isn't that!” Yuri said immediately, only to retreat into herself after speaking so quickly.
“I’m serious. I know it’s been a while since I asked, but you haven’t been cutting yourself again, have you?” I then asked worriedly.
…
She breathed in deeply again and then lowers the sleeve on her left arm.
Her skin is peppered with scars of varying sizes. But as I look her arm over, I sigh in relief as I don’t find any new cuts. And while she has a lot of scars, some of the smaller ones are becoming nothing more than thin white lines on her skin.
Yuri smiled a little in embarrassment. “I almost had a relapse over the weekend. But fortunately, Natsuki found me before that could happen and she talked me down from it. I also mentioned the incident to my therapist.”
…
I sighed in relief. At least I can tell Sayori next time I see her that Yuri is still doing well. Hopefully, that’ll make up for my breakdown last week…
“It’s a really good thing Natsuki moved in with you then.” I try my best to speak in an upbeat manner. “I can’t always be watching the rest of you 24/7.”
Yuri laughs at my comment, and the sound makes my lips twitch upward a bit.
…
"So, why did you ask if I was seeing Sayori then?" I ask her after a moment of seeing her looking happy.
"I… well, Monika pointed out yesterday after the club meeting that you were looking down… and Natsuki mentioned she’d noticed it last week too, the day after you…" Yuri can't bring herself to finish.
…
What was left of my small smile came crumbling down.
So, they'd all noticed, huh?
I thought I'd done well enough trying to hide it whenever I was around them...
"Yeah, I'm planning on seeing her again. Maybe today or tomorrow." I state almost numbly. “But I’m fine, you don’t have to worry…”
"You... don't have to worry about me..."
…
Yuri looked down at herself... and then surprised me when she wrapped her arms around me in a hug.
"Sayori is our friend too. You aren’t the only one here that wants her to wake up again.” She spoke to me in a soft voice.
"That's why Natsuki and Monika weren't here today. They wanted to visit Sayori so you wouldn't feel like you had to if it was causing you so much pain."
…
My eyes slowly widen in surprise, and then tears begin to fill them.
They weren’t at the police station after all.
They were trying to look out for me just like I had for them…
I feel those tears trickle from my eyes, and I can't help it as I hug Yuri back and try hard not to cry.
Yuri doesn't say anything. But she doesn't push me away. She accepted my hurt and tried her best to comfort me by herself.
"I… I miss her so much, Yuri." I managed to say through my tears. "It hurts. It really really hurts when I sit next to her and feel like she’s so far away."
"I… I understand it hurts." Yuri responds sadly. A few tears have escaped her eyes too. "I understand how much it hurts all too well."
I jerk back from her, wiping the tears off my face with my sleeve. "I-I'm sorry. I shouldn't be doing this. I'm only going to bring up memories of you cutting yourself-"
"No, you're not." Yuri cut me off. I go silent at her serious tone of voice, even as her eyes melt with concern and care. "I know it hurts because I’ve visited her too. We all have.”
“We feel a portion of that blame. And while I’m glad I’m getting better, I regret that Sayori isn’t able to see my progress.
“She was always so kind to me, and was capable of making me smile even when I wasn’t sure that I could…”
“We may not have known her for as long as you, but we miss her too. We want our ball of sunshine running around the club again just like you."
…
"But… it's not only that." I whimper.
"If I had only noticed the signs. If I'd only paid more attention to her feelings… if I’d only done something to help her out instead of… of…"
Yuri's gaze doesn't falter. My voice goes dry.
"We know… we feel the same way."
"H-How? How could you say that when… when…"
Her eyes fall.
...
It is only then that I realize how selfish I have truly been.
“Natsuki… admitted to me when she was talking me down from before…” Yuri spoke in a soft voice. “How she understood how I felt. When I told her I deserved the pain for my past mistakes. How I had to punish myself for wanting that emotional release.
“She’d stayed with her Father and suffered all the pain that she did up to that point because she felt like she deserved it too.
“If she hadn’t been selfish with wanting you to help her with her baking for the Festival. If… if she’d only realized how much pain Sayori had been in when she saw her on the sidewalk that Sunday…”
I can’t speak. Natsuki wasn’t to blame for what happened at all. It was all my fault, not hers…
Yuri’s gaze fell. “I am also to blame since I spoke up when you said you wanted to help out Sayori that day. I should have respected your choice and suggested to Monika if she’d like to help me or Natsuki out instead. You'd expressed concern about her behavior, but we... ..."
“As for Monika… she also blames herself for not choosing to help me or Natsuki out with our projects so you and Sayori could have worked on those pamphlets together. She and Sayori worked on them online, so she never saw how much our friend was hurting and…”
“We all feel like what happened was our fault. That we were more focused on you than our good friend when she clearly wasn’t doing well…”
…
They weren’t to blame… yet they blamed themselves anyway.
"I'm… I’m sorry…" I hung my head in shame.
"I can't tell you how many times we've all stayed up at night. How many times Monika and Natsuki and I have talked about what we could have done to help our friend." Her hand rested over mine. "But we can tell how hard it’s been for you too. We've all noticed, even if you've been trying to stay strong for us since joining our club."
I feel myself on the verge of crying again. Yuri continued to rub my hand, and it takes me a while to notice my tears have been falling on the book she gave me.
"D… damn it, I'm sorry-" I begin to curse myself when I finally notice, but Yuri just grips my hand and shakes her head.
"It's ok. That book has gone through much worse than a few tears."
"I… I haven't even been reading it today." I begin speaking again. "I just can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop thinking about her. I miss her so much and I don’t even know what hurts more!
“The fact that she might wake up years from now, or die before that ever happens! It’s like I’ve lost my best friend, but I can’t even grieve because she’s still alive! And I don’t know what’ll happen to her or if I’m going to be left like this forever and, and-!”
…
"I just… I just want to see her again.
“I want her to be able to smile. To laugh. To cuddle into my side and never have to worry about anything or anyone hurting her ever again. Like… like how…
"Like how I hurt her…"
…
…
"Meiji… do you know how much Sayori talked about you?" Yuri asked.
I sniffle. "Lots, I'm guessing."
"Ever since the first day even," Yuri stated. "She joined before me and Natsuki ever did. But Monika said that even back then, she was always talking about you to her.
"How you'd been such a great friend to her.
"How you'd brought such happiness and warmth into her life.”
…
"She missed you dearly. And when she said she wanted to try and get you to join the club, we all were able to guess her reasoning behind it. And, seeing her talk so fondly about someone... made us really want to meet you."
"Yes, even Natsuki. Though she tried her best to hide it." Yuri raised a hand to her mouth to disguise the chuckles that escaped her statement. Admittedly, it made me chuckle a little bit too.
“She always tried to be happy when she was around us. Yet, when you were there, it was as if that happiness was genuine.
“When I first met Sayori, I didn’t notice that difference. But after seeing her with you, and after having all this time to think about it, I can’t help but think that was the case.”
…
"If… if she did… if I had made her happy… then why… why did she…?" I couldn't bring myself to say those words. To say that my best friend had tried to kill herself.
"I don't know," Yuri admitted sadly. But then, her eyes shined with confidence. "But I know you'll be able to ask her, one day."
“We all will. And just like the rest of us, we’ll help you both to move past the problems you’re suffering from. Because at the end of the day, we’re your friends as much as you are ours.”
“I don’t care if it’s today or years from now. We’re here for you, Meiji. Not as fellow club members, but as friends.”
…
"..." I am silent for a few seconds. My tears wane as a small genuine smile rests on my lips.
"Th-thank you, that really m-means a lot to me."
Yuri smiled in response. It matched well with her reserved demeanor. "I do owe it to you. After all, you were the one that got me to open up about my own problems to the others in the first place."
“That wasn’t really me..." I frowned. "I just found you out in the hallway the day of the festival and…” I can’t continue speaking, as that’d been a bad enough day already. And it’d happened after the doctors had kicked me out of the hospital so they could focus on saving Sayori.
That really did feel so long ago… yet knowing that at least my other friends were in better spots thanks to my actions made me feel somewhat better…
If only I could have done the same for Sayori…
…
I tried to open the book again, only to realize I still wouldn't be able to bring myself to focus on it. I sighed as I handed it back to Yuri. "I'm sorry, I really don't feel like reading anything today."
"Not even Natsuki’s manga?” Yuri asks surprisingly.
“Yeah…”
“You must be in worse shape than we thought.” Yuri giggles to herself. Then, she realizes what she said and her face falls. “I’m sorry, that was insensitive of me.”
“No, it’s fine.” I attempted to smile again. “You were only trying to make me laugh. Thank you for trying.”
“Well... how about we try reading this book again during the club meeting tomorrow. That is, unless you want Natsuki to have us read more of her manga instead." Yuri said in response as an attempt to compromise with her earlier words.
"I wouldn't mind that so much," I admit with a small smile on my face.
Yuri's face reddens as she turns away. "I… I guess I wouldn't mind so much either."
"The series she gave you is that good, huh?" I chuckle.
Yuru's reserved demeanor vanishes entirely. She looks around frantically as if making sure no one else is nearby.
"It, well, it does do a good job of depicting horror in a way that words can't capture." She admitted. "Th-Though I'd still say there are some scenes that words would have done more justice with than artistic depictions…"
I can't help but chuckle at how embarrassed Yuri looks right now. She and the others really were such great friends. This club has done everyone a lot of good, even me a little bit…
…
As I'm about to fall into my thoughts again, my phone buzzes at my side. I pull it out and find I've gotten a new message… from Natsuki and Monika?
"Huh?" Yuri has her phone pulled out too. She got a message from them as well.
"Must be the group chat," I suggested.
"I wonder if they learned something while visiting Sayori," Yuri said next.
...
Oh yeah, Yuri had mentioned that earlier. I almost feel afraid it’s going to be some doctor’s update on the condition of her brain or something. And the thought almost makes me want to turn off my phone and ignore it for the rest of the day.
Yet, we open our phones at the same time to read what our friends sent us.
…
…
…
A moment later, my phone falls to the floor. A picture of Natsuki and Monika with Sayori was on the screen.
"She's… she's…" Yuri's hand trembled. Her face was a plaster of different emotions.
Yet, the most immediate ones were relief and genuine happiness.
Two words were below the picture.
She’s awake!
I immediately ran out of the club room.
I wish I could tell you how I got from school to the hospital so quickly.
Honestly, it was all a blur.
One moment, I'd been next to Yuri while checking my phone. And then the next, I was in the front lobby of the hospital. Pleading for the receptionist for the number to Sayori's new room.
"I-I'm sorry. She already has visitors with her right now." The woman stuttered out nervously. "She’s on a new batch of antidepressants at the moment, so she can’t have too many people with her. You'll need to wait until they're done before you can go in and see her."
I grab for my phone to message Natsuki and Monika. Only to want to scream as I realized I'd left it at the school.
Of all the dirty rotten-
The side doors opened, and Monika and Natsuki stepped out. "Ah, Meiji, you're here already?" Monika said in surprise.
Thank God for their impeccable timing!
"Um… heheh, sorry. I would have messaged, but I got your message, and well…" I'm unable to finish my sentence as it feels so embarrassing.
"Heh," Natsuki smirks widely. "Meiji is being a klutz just like usual, I see. He probably ran straight here without stopping for anything and screamed his head off like a lunatic at anyone that got in his way."
I admit I may have run past more than a few busy streets… and probably pushed several people on the sidewalk out of the way… and probably shouted Sayori’s name more than a few times…
However, I almost want to scream at her when she should know I have a damn good excuse for it this time.
Before I can do that though, she walks up to the receptionist next to me. "There's no need to worry. Monika and I are done seeing Sayori now. If anything, she wants to see this idiot more than anyone else right now.
"She’ll be fine, trust me."
…
How is it possible to go from wanting to scream at someone to want to hug them tightly in gratitude in just a few short seconds?! I don’t even mind that she called me an idiot!
It doesn't take the pinkette long to reassure the receptionist that it'll be fine to let me see Sayori so soon after her and Monika as well as her parents from earlier.
"Just make sure you leave if she's getting too tired." The receptionist told me. “She’s been through a lot in the past week.”
“She’s been awake for that long?!” I ask incredulously.
Natsuki punches my arm, and the pain keeps me from demanding why I or anyone else hadn’t been told sooner. “Would you want to be surrounded by people so soon after you came out of a coma?”
“Ow.” I rub my arm with a hurt look on my face. At least I know better than to try yelling at her this time. “Sorry, I’ll make sure to leave if she wants me to.”
The receptionist nods as she gives me her new room number. I then give her a grateful nod and make sure I give Monika and Natsuki their respective thank-you hugs before I rush through the hospital as fast as I'm allowed by all the doctors there.
I haven’t been through this part of the hospital before. And I nearly got lost several times trying to find her new room.
Strangely, I never really paid much attention to my surroundings when I visited before. It was like nothing else here had ever mattered.
The wasted time makes me wish I had cared a bit more about the hospital’s layout.
...
Eventually, I managed to reach the right section after asking for directions. And then I found myself standing in front of her door.
I immediately reached for the handle to open it, wanting nothing more than to see her awake with my own eyes…
Only, I stopped when my hand touched the handle.
…
Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes again as all the emotions from before came falling down upon my shoulders like an avalanche.
A large part of me feels too guilty to follow through. To go inside out of fear that I'd be causing her even more pain than I had before.
Maybe she’d woken up because of that hurt. So I was only going to be making things worse if I walked in there.
Maybe it’d be better if I stepped away. If I stopped being selfish and left my best friend alone so I’d never hurt her again… so she didn’t have to deal with my pathetic self ever again…
…
…
The door opened.
My hand hadn’t listened to my brain.
I then stepped inside.
My feet had refused to listen to my brain either.
It seems every part of my body doesn’t want to listen to me for once. And maybe that was for the best, as my eyes trailed up to look at the room's only occupant.
…
"..."
It's like I can hear a song playing in the background. It feels hard to breathe.
Sayori looked up from her notepad to look at the door. Upon seeing me, her hand stopped writing.
"M… Meiji?" She tilted her head at the sight of me.
…
At first. I'm unable to say anything.
She is still in a hospital bed. She still has a tube in her arm. She looks so small and frail from being in bed for so long…
And… yet… she's sitting up right now. She is breathing without the help of a ventilator. There is an empty plate and a glass of water on her nightstand. Next to a fresh platter of cookies, probably from Natsuki.
She was awake.
She was alive.
She… she's…
"Meiji, you're crying!" Her eyes widened in shock.
I couldn't help it then. I ran up to her bedside and hugged her tightly, balling like a little baby.
"Ack! C-Careful! The doctor gets really mad if I mess with my IV!" Sayori told me.
“S-Sayori!” I did my best not to mess with her arm. But I was pretty emotional at that point. And, after her other arm hugged me, Sayori also began crying along with me.
My brain yelled that I was being stupid and only hurting her more with my actions, but my body still wouldn’t listen. It… I, needed this, more than anything.
"I… I was so afraid you'd never wake up." I admitted through my tears.
She didn't respond to what I said. Her eyes seemed to sadden the longer I cried onto her shoulder. Yet she didn’t let me go, and her notepad was pushed to the side as she held me close.
We were both silent for a time. She felt so warm, so fragile, yet so strong.
…
When my crying subsided, my body pulled up a chair and sat next to my best friend. My hand stayed gripping hers while I stared at her.
My brain had finally stopped telling me that I should leave. A thousand different thoughts were rushing through my head yet not one managed to push itself out as my tears did.
"Meiji… you look so sad…" Sayori whimpered as she spoke.
“I… I know… I can’t help it because I am.” I mutter quietly in response.
Sayori’s eyes tear up. "I… I only wanted you to be happy… I wanted everyone to be happy… and without me…"
"Sayori… please, don't." I manage to say, even as my eyes fill with more tears again. "Please don't say that. Please, don’t think that. That couldn't be any further from the truth."
"But… I was such a bad friend, and-" I interrupted Sayori before she could continue.
"Sayori. You were the bestest friend that anyone could ever ask for… you are so selfless and kind and amazing and I, I just…" My head hung down in shame.
"I was the one who was a horrible friend. Not you."
...
“I should have been the one to hang from that ceiling fan… not you.”
...
…
…
"Meiji…" Sayori's hand let go of mine and reached for my face. She’d been shocked by my words after I uttered them. Yet, now, she looked so sad and heartbroken at that moment, seeing me like this.
"Ever since that day, I haven't been able to stop blaming myself for what happened. Every time I came in to see you, a part of me wished that I was the one in your place."
“Meiji, no-”
“Nothing you say will make me change my mind about that either.” I interrupted her. “Out of anyone I know, you deserve happiness, not me. Not after what I did…"
…
"You… you know that isn't your fault… that… that I’m the one who has depression…" Sayori looked down at me sadly.
I didn't stop crying though. Her hand rubbed through my hair as tears fell down her face.
Little did I know that, just like me, she had so many thoughts of her own running through her own head.
Some were about what was going on right now and how she could comfort Meiji at that moment. Others were memories of what'd happened after her best friend had cut the rope she'd been hanging from. And yet others came from her depression, despite the antidepressants she’d taken that morning, saying how she was hurting Meiji with her actions even now.
Those thoughts falling from her rain clouds hurt so much. Yet, Meiji looked so sad and depressed as well. Yet it wasn’t depression.
It would have been more correct to say that Meiji was suffering from a bad case of survivor’s guilt.
Her heart hurt in her chest, and fresh tears sneaked their way into her eyes.
"You… you really missed me, didn't you?" She asked timidly.
"I missed you so much," I said without looking up. "I was afraid you'd never wake up again. And that one day I'd come here, and your room would be empty, and they'd be putting you in a body bag, and your parents would be there to hug me, and… and…"
…
Sayori's hand ran through my hair again. "It's… it's ok. It'll be okay, Meiji."
"I'm not going anywhere."
“Especially not in a body bag.”
I bury my head in my hands as I begin to sob again. “I, I was so afraid, and no matter what I told myself, I just, I just couldn’t-”
Sayori, selfless, brave Sayori, leaned forward and wrapped her arms around me in a comforting hug again.
I began to cry even harder. Even after my talk with Yuri earlier. Even though my best friend was awake. I could not shake this guilt off my shoulders.
I could not forget all the things I'd said to her.
I could not forgive myself for being such a jerk to the girl I’d loved for a long time.
…
"I'm sorry…" I managed to say after a few minutes. When I'm finally able to look up into Sayori's face again. "I really am a terrible friend."
"No, I was…" Sayori begins to respond, only to cut herself off.
No, she wasn’t going to listen to that voice. Not right now.
"... how could you be a terrible friend when you did so much for me?" She instead asked me sincerely.
"Because you always did more for me. Every day, growing up as kids. And then that week when you reached out to me again." I told her sincerely.
"Heheh… I'm sure that isn't true." Sayori looks off to the side unsurely.
"But it is! You stayed around when my other friends left! And on so many days when I felt lonely as a child, you'd come over to my house and make my day so much more fun and bright!" I almost yell at her. “You helped me out of my house and to live my life!”
"And how did I repay all your years of kindness?... by being a Meanie. By leaving you alone for years. By trying to become that anti-social kid again. And by being a jerk when you were only trying to help me make friends with others again."
“I was so terrible and selfish. I don’t deserve to have someone as bright as you in my life. I never have and never will deserve it after what I did.”
…
"Hmmm… well, to be honest, you've always been a jerk for as long as I've known you," Sayori admitted after a moment of thought.
"... Gee, thanks a lot," I mutter sarcastically.
She giggled to herself. Then, before I can say anymore, she rests a hand on my face. "But… I’ve always considered every part of you to be my best friend.
"Even the Meanie part."
I sniffle again. “Like anyone could ever love somebody like me.”
“It’s true. Because I love you even now when the Meanie in you is being such a big jerk to yourself.” Sayori said sincerely.
She was smiling so genuinely too, that it was hard not to believe her.
…
…
"I… Sayori… I’m-"
"I know. I know you’re sorry. You don’t have to say it again."
…
"I thought it was a dream… every time I heard your voice. But I can remember what you said all those times.
"How school was going.
"How the others were doing.
"How you fondly remembered our childhood.
...
"How you blamed yourself for my depression.
"How you thought you were the cause for making it worse."
She gave me a sad smile. "Meiji, it wasn’t your fault. I've had depression ever since I can remember.
"I don't blame you for any of what happened. It was my choice to try and kill myself, not yours.
“If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be here right now. You saved my life.”
I sniffled again, louder this time. "Why can't you let me blame myself for what I did to you?" I asked her sadly.
She shouldn't be the one comforting me. Not after everything I put her through.
"Because you're my best friend… and I’ll love you, no matter what you say about yourself," Sayori said sincerely.
Damn it. Why does she have to be so sincere?
I grip the hand resting against my cheek and close my eyes tight. "I, I love you too, Sayori. I wish… I wish I could have told you how much I meant it before."
I said it just as sincerely as she had. Like I should have that day when I hugged her outside of my house.
Sayori smiled a little. Even though the rain clouds tried to storm in her head and convince her that what Meiji had just said was a lie, a beam of light shined on her mind, if only briefly, giving her the strength to push that voice back where it wouldn’t bother her.
“I don’t deserve this.” She muttered.
“You deserve so much more,” I mutter back just as quietly.
…
…
"I guess I'll have no choice then."
I look at her face. She is giving her bright, Sayori smile to me once again. "I'll try to live, even if my depression says I'm worthless, if only so you can be happy again, Meiji."
"N… No. You're not worthless, Sayori. Not to me." I manage to smile through my tears.
I'd missed her smile so much. I can't help it as my hand moves a lock of hair out of her eyes.
She giggled at the action, and I can't help but laugh as well. It didn't feel forced, but genuine.
“Will you be alright?” Sayori then asked me.
“I… I can try to be, for your sake.” I managed to tell her through more tears.
She obviously wanted me to say yes but accepted what I’d said for now.
At some point after that, I abandoned the chair to sit next to her on the bed. My arm settled over her shoulders, and she cuddled into my side as we talked about many different things together for the first time in years.
We talked about memories of our childhood. About going to school together.
We discussed her depression. How it made it hard for her to wake up in the morning. How I'd given her a reason to get out of bed each morning. How I'd given her life meaning by being her friend. How her feelings eventually grew into love.
It was the same for me. Even though I didn't have depression, Sayori had given me a reason to go outside. To be around others. To have fun and be me.
How after I stopped seeing her, my life became dull and bleak. How it took me a long time to realize what I was missing. How, during that first week of the Literature Club, reconnecting with her had made me recall everything from before so clearly. Until, eventually, I managed to connect the dots for myself.
I really loved her. I’d been in love with her for a long time… I just hadn’t been mature enough to realize it. And it’d taken reconnecting with her and almost losing her again to make me finally realize it.
…
At some point, I picked up the notepad from beside her to set it on the nightstand. Only, my eyes widened as I found a poem on it.
“Oh, hehe… I kind of realized I never did write one for the festival.” Sayori admitted, nervously rubbing her fingers together in a way I’d always found adorable. “Ever since I woke up, I’ve been trying to write something. It's been hard though since I haven't written anything in two months!"
"Oh..." My voice trails off depressedly.
"But Monika and Natsuki helped me to write out a lot of it!… I just still have one last stanza left to write.”
...
I looked at her, and then at the notepad again. She continued to smile widely, encouraging me to read it.
…
I eventually do so.
My Heart Still Beats For You
In darkness’s cold embrace
Amongst pins and needle’s taste
Where all I feel is pain.
And where clouds storm and rain.
My heart still beats for you.
Amidst my sad defeat.
A mess lies at my feet.
I try to do the deed.
But you came back for me.
And my heart still beats for you.
In darkness, I lay alone.
From solitude, I sought death and stone.
I cried away forevermore
I retreated deep into my core.
Yet my heart still beats for you.
Then, your voice it seemed.
Lone and soft, like a good dream.
Speaking sunny words to me.
But crying weakly for things to be.
… my heart yearned for you.
Your voice reminds me of times of play.
Of moments when we stopped the rain.
When scars would little seem
Like scrapes and scratches on kids' knees.
When my heart was still beating with you.
And yet, there was something more.
Your voice… so bitter and sore.
Blaming yourself for my mistake.
Thinking all you had done was take.
When my heart only beats for you.
Only then, I finally see.
You’re in as much pain as me.
You're hopeless and depressed.
Even though I had confessed.
And had my heart beating for you.
I read over those lines, and then look up at Sayori’s face again. She is attempting to smile again.
I may be an idiot… but even I can get the meaning behind this poem of hers.
“I still wanted to make it bittersweet… but I haven’t been able to finish the last stanza yet.” She admitted. “Mostly because I didn’t know what I wanted to happen next.”
…
“Do... do you know now?” I asked.
“Hmmm… maybe.” Her hand settled in mine. “If you wouldn’t mind me being selfish, that is.”
…
“Sayori, whatever you want, I will give it to you, without regret,” I said sincerely.
"Meiji, you don't have to do so much for me." Sayori told me with a pout.
"It's not that I have to. I want to." I told her firmly.
My tone seemed to surprise her for a bit, as her pout dropped and her eyes went wide in surprise. "No one is forcing me to do this. I want this. I want you to be happy more than anything else."
"..." Sayori looked at me sadly. She looked like she wanted to speak, but she looked so full of uncertainty at the same time.
"I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for what I did to you. But if I can make you smile every day from now on… if I can help to hold your rain clouds at bay... I can try to take joy in that.
“Trust… I promise you that," I told her sincerely.
...
"M… Meiji…" Sayori's lower lip trembled.
But then, she smiled sincerely. "Okay."
I smiled back. But then, her smile became mischievous. "Just know that as soon as I’m out of here, I’ll want you to get me snacks from the vending machine at school whenever I'm hungry."
"So… you mean all the time?" I blandly asked.
"Ehehe~" She giggled as her face lit up with glee.
…
I can't help but smile as I chuckle. "Alright. Anytime that you want. Even if I end up going broke from it."
“Awwww, I won’t be that bad.”
“Sayori, you and I both know that you are that bad.” I continued to smile as I laughed.
She tried to pout again, but we both ended up laughing.
I gave her a hug as she hugs me back.
“Please, come back to visit me again.” She whispered into my ear.
I gave her a sincere smile. “I’ll come back every day after club activities until you’re out of here.”
“You… you promise?” She asked. "I wouldn't want to take you away from anything else..."
Instead of answering, I kiss her on the cheek.
When I pull back, her eyes are wide, and a blush is rapidly filling her face. I can’t lie and say the same isn’t happening to me.
“T-There's not like there's anything I'm doing that's as i-important as making you blush over and over again.” I tease her despite the stutter trying to make its way into my voice.
“H-Hey, Meanie!” Sayori whined as the adorable pout I loved so much formed on her face.
I wish I could have stayed longer just for that. Unfortunately, however, the doctors came in at that moment, and they didn’t seem happy to see me sitting in bed beside Sayori.
I apologized for that and let them get to taking care of her again. They had to fix the IV tube in her arm, which made me feel a little guilty. But I still smiled and waved at Sayori as I walked out of the room and back into the hallway. And she smiled and waved back at me as I exited.
Eventually, I made it back to the waiting area. Yuri was there now, waiting alongside Monika and Natsuki for me to come out.
They stood up when they saw me, but instead of speaking, tears filled their eyes when they saw me looking happy.
“H-Hey guys, Sayori seems to be feeling much better now and-” I tried to say.
The three girls crashed into me and hugged me tightly, tears falling from their faces as they gripped onto me.
“Don’t, don’t ever worry us like that again, idiot!” Natsuki tells me angrily. "You shouldn't have tried to hide your pain from the rest of us!"
Yuri and Monika said nothing, but that was probably because Natsuki had said it all for them.
I can’t resist as I tear up again while hugging them all back the best I can.
We probably looked strange. A random guy sharing a group hug with three cute girls. But at that moment, I could care less. All of us could care less.
For once, we weren’t crying out of sadness, but happiness and joy.
I… I finally had my best friend back. We had our little ball of sunshine with us once more.
She was going to live. And she was going to try and fight her problems, just like they were.
I couldn’t have felt more gratitude for anything in my entire life.
...
That night, when I eventually fell into bed, after we’d gone to a cafe to celebrate Sayori’s awakening, I was finally able to sleep in peace.
It was one of the best nights I'd ever had in my entire life.
Seven Months Later
“Monika!”
The Club President giggled as she teased the younger pink-haired girl in front of her. “It’s okay to have a crush on a boy. It was bound to happen at least once before we graduated High School.”
“I-It’s not a crush! He’s just a friend who really likes manga just like me!” Natsuki screamed as she tried to hide the blush crawling up her face.
“I don’t know. I’ve seen you inviting him over to my house more often as of late.” Yuri commented next to her friend. An open picnic basket was beside her.
“O-Oh yeah?! Then who’s the dude I’ve seen you with recently?! Huh?! Huh?!” Natsuki quickly retaliated.
“That, that is none of your business.” Yuri looked frightened as a large blush began to fill her features.
Natsuki began to grin widely. “Oh, so it's none of my business when my best friend invites a dude into her room while I’m baking in the kitchen and-”
“A-At least I’m not the one making out with my boyfriend on the couch when I’m cooking dinner!” Yuri retaliated surprisingly quickly.
“Boyfriend?!” Monika leaned back in surprise.
“I… I…” Natsuki looked absolutely aghast. “THAT ONLY HAPPENED ONCE!”
“Oh, I didn’t realize it was that serious.” Monika leaned in again as she teased.
She and Yuri both laughed.
Sayori and I laughed along as well, sitting across from them next to each other. We were holding hands and looked content together.
“W-What about Meiji, huh? I still haven’t forgotten when I walked into the club room to find him and Sayori making out like they were in Paris!” Natsuki shouted if only to get the attention off of her.
Me and Sayori both blushed guiltily at that, and her fingers nervously rubbed together in front of her as the girls all stared at us.
“Heheh, to be honest, we probably would have gone even further if you hadn’t walked in on us back then,” I admit guiltily.
“Eh?” Sayori tilts her head at my words.
I grin widely though as Natsuki’s face takes on a bright red sheen. Ha, take that!
My face is probably as bright as hers though. Man, I really hope she’s feeling more embarrassed than I am right now. Did I really manage to say that just now?
“A-Anyway, what about you, Monika? Are you dating anyone?” Yuri asked, looking embarrassedly at the two of us before glancing away at Monika.
Come on, she didn’t believe we’d actually do anything that bad, right?
The Club President smiled. “Maybe.”
“Aw come on. We all have pretty much admitted to having boyfriends at this point.” Natsuki crossed her arms and huffed as she complained. “The least you can do is spill the beans yourself.”
Monika simply hummed though as she took a bite of her vegetarian sandwich. Me and Sayori giggled, and Yuri giggled as well while Natsuki continued to look riled up by everything that was going on.
As the two of us continued chatting with our friends, I can’t help but keep stealing glances at my best friend, now girlfriend. From the red bow resting on her coral-pink hair to the casual clothes that she was wearing.
Sayori paused in her talking to take a bite out of one of the cupcakes Natsuki had brought along for the picnic. Her eyes closed after she took the bite, and she released such a sound of pure joy that my heart melted in my chest.
Gods, even when she wasn’t trying, she just looked so beautiful.
It was the middle of May. Just a couple weeks before we were going to graduate… and at least half a year since Sayori had woken up in the hospital.
It’d been a long, hard road getting here. Sayori was kept in the hospital for almost a month after waking up. Between having to find the right antidepressants for her, going through physical therapy to be able to build up her strength again as well as therapy for her depression, something she still had to do at least once a week with her counselor; as well as being kept on suicide watch until they were sure she wasn’t in danger of trying to take her life again.
Sayori had always said growing up that she didn’t like doctors. And every time I visited her I could see why.
Our visits always seemed to be way too brief for either of us. And they wanted to try and limit our visits to no more than a few times a week. I understand now it was only because they were genuinely concerned for her well-being and that it wasn’t meant to keep us from each other. After all, the less time they had to work with her, the longer it would have taken to get her on the proper medication, and it could have taken longer for her to be discharged from the hospital.
Still, they couldn’t have at least let me help her out with the physical therapy aspect?! I could have done very well motivating her to build up the strength to walk around again and everything with all the teasing we did to each other!
…
Either way, the day finally came when she was discharged from the hospital. And I was able to drive her home for the first time.
Needless to say, she’d been very surprised when we walked into her room, and she found that me and her parents had cleaned up the entire mess. I’d also promised her that I’d be coming by each morning to wake her up for school, and to help clean her room if she needed it. Just like when we were kids.
She hadn’t even tried to object. I was so grateful that she hadn’t.
...
After that, well, Sayori had a lot of catching up to do in school. At least half the time our Club Meetings were spent with all of us helping Sayori to catch up on all of her classes. And then in the evenings, instead of playing games or watching anime, I’d be helping Sayori with her massive pile of homework whilst working on my own assignments as well.
It was very hard to do. At times, she was energetic and passionate about it. Other times though, she tired out far too quickly, or I tired out far too quickly, and her depression or my guilt made us feel like we were wasting each other’s time.
We eventually settled on a solution though. Whenever we were too tired to continue, we’d lie down and take a nap together. I’d hold her close and let her know I was there for her. And she’d hold me and say the same when it was my fault.
Sometimes, that’d be enough. Other times, the rainclouds persisted no matter what we did.
There were a few times when we had to stay the night with each other whenever things were really bad for one of us mentally. And then there were times Yuri, Natsuki, Monika, or all three had to come over because the day was that bad.
It was hard. No, that was putting it lightly. It was the hardest thing I’d ever had to go through in my entire life. And while she was caught up now and we could spend our time doing other things besides studying, we still had times when we had to comfort each other because of the voices in our heads telling us how we didn’t deserve to be happy.
We worked through it though. And we're continuing to work through it together. We appreciate days like this when we can keep those voices in our heads silent. When we can spend time with our friends like this.
Sayori was back on track to graduate just like the rest of us. She had been accepted into the same college as me and Natsuki. The whole club was so proud of her.
I… I was so proud of her.
…
“Hey, Meiji, want to join me for a walk?” Sayori suddenly asked.
“H-Huh?” I snapped back to attention, not realizing I’d been staring at her for the past few minutes.
I quickly looked at the other girls. Monika held a hand over her mouth and was trying not to giggle at us. However, Yuri was smiling happily at us, and Natsuki was grinning as if she was ready to tease me again.
“U-Um, s-s-s-sure.” I manage to stutter out.
Sayori giggled as we got up off the blanket together. I held her hand as we walked away, hoping the others won’t make fun of us for it.
That hope was pretty short-lived.
“Remember, we’re in a public park you two. No acts of public indecency while you’re away from us!” Natsuki called after us.
Gah! A blush filled my face faster than at any other time before. I should have known my comment from earlier would come back to bite me in the butt!
“Ehehehe, no promises.” Sayori giggled back at our friends, causing me to stop in shock.
Natsuki stopped laughing again. Sayori then gave her a wink while stealthily elbowing my side.
…
I know now there was a reason why I loved this girl so much. My look of shock was replaced with the biggest grin ever as I took a moment to appreciate how cunning my girlfriend could be.
“J-Just go away already!” Natsuki yelled at us indignantly.
Monika and Yuri laughed at the pinkette’s reaction while I gratefully slinked away onto a path leading into the woods of the park alongside Sayori, who continued to giggle at the pinkette girl’s cute reaction.
…
For a while, neither of us said anything to the other.
A cool breeze wafted over the trees and across my face.
Odd, despite everything that’d happened in our lives… I just feel so… at peace.
Is that the right word for it? I’m not entirely sure.
I just know when I turn my head to see Sayori smiling with her eyes closed, looking lost in her own little world, I can’t help the smile that crosses my face. She really does look so amazing, and I've probably driven that nail into the wall at this point but I'll likely keep on pointing it out because of how true it is.
It really means so much to me, to be able to see her like this.
“Are you just blindly trusting me to lead you along?” I ask playfully.
“Hmmm, maybe.” Her smile grows a little bigger as she playfully replies. She leans into me as if to support herself against me. “Just know it’d be bad if you were to act like a Meanie to your poor, defenseless girlfriend while she’s enjoying a walk with you.”
“Ha, if anything, you’d beat me up if I tried to walk you into a tree.” I laugh.
“I don’t know if I’d do that.” She giggled, and I continue to laugh along with her.
However, as if fate wanted to play with irony, I’m so distracted by my laughter that I walk straight into a tree instead.
“Eh?!” Sayori’s eyes finally opened and she saw me laying on the ground, holding my nose in my hands while trying not to shout obscenities from the pain.
“Aw, stuid tree!” I managed to get out. I feel liquid dripping into my hands, and want to curse more when I realize I have a bloody nose.
“Ah! Here, use these!” Sayori suddenly pulls some tissues out of her pocket and hands them to me.
I stuff one against my nose and apply pressure to stop the bleeding. Thankfully, while it feels tender, I don’t think I’ve broken it.
…
“Eheheh…” I eventually chuckle embarrassedly to myself. “I guess even a tree is able to beat me up.”
“Ehehe~” Sayori giggles as she hugs my head. “Don’t worry, I’ll protect you from any rogue trees in the future.”
“Aw, thanks. I could definitely use that.” I mutter sarcastically while glaring at the bark in front of me.
She kissed the top of my head though, and I couldn’t help the smile that came onto my face again.
…
She eventually helped me up after several minutes had passed. I made sure to clean up all the blood off my face. My nose still felt red and tender though, so I didn’t want to go back to everyone else just yet.
“Is it alright if we walk for a little longer before we go back?” I ask Sayori hesitantly.
She looked at me with concern. I continue to smile at her though, and try to wordlessly assure her that I’m fine.
“Okay!” Sayori beamed happily, and we continued our walk together.
…
This time as we walk, her eyes are open, and she keeps on looking in my direction with her sky-blue irises. I almost feel a blush rise on my face. “What are you looking at?”
“Oh? I’m just making sure my clumsy boyfriend doesn’t pick a fight with any more trees!” Sayori said happily.
“Excuse me, clumsy?” I say with mock indignation. “I distinctly remember times in the past when you were the one that walked into trees and I had to be the one to help you up.”
“Ehehehe…” Sayori giggled again… though there was a trace of melancholy in her voice this time that even I can detect. “I almost forgot about that.” She said, looking off to the side as if she were picturing a time from long ago.
…
“Was… was it because of your depression distracting you back then?” I asked.
…
It seems like I guessed correctly, as her happy features fell. “Yes…”
…
I feel my heart clamp in my chest. I’m once more filled with guilt over thoughts of the past.
I can almost picture my childish self complaining to her about her being clumsy while helping to clean dirt off her face. Or running back with bandages for her bloody nose. Or… or…
“Hey, it’s okay now.”
Sayori’s voice brings me back to the present to look at her. She had a small, sincere smile on her face again. “Just now, I got to help you just like you helped me back then. It made me feel really happy!”
“Still… I was such a jerk when you couldn’t help it when-”
“Nope!” Sayori suddenly silenced me with a peck on the lips. She then pulled back with a bright smile on her face. “I won’t allow any rain clouds to ruin my boyfriend’s childhood memories with me. They're 'do not touch'!”
“H-Huh-” A blush filled my cheeks again, and my guilt retreated somewhat from my mind. “B-But I-”
Sayori pecked me on the lips again. She then pulled back, giggling to herself at the dumb look on my face.
Those memories rushed to the forefront of my mind again. But I remembered how after I took care of her injuries, she got back up, giggling and looking just as happy as she was now.
Like a cute, innocent ball of sunshine…
“M-Meiji?” She looked surprised when tears started falling down my face. “That was supposed to comfort you-”
However, I hugged her tight. Feeling so grateful to have her again in my life, just like I did back then.
“Ah…” Sayori smiled and hugged me back.
“Th… Thank you, so much, for everything you do for me.” I told her sincerely. It must have been so hard for her when she had it so much worse than me.
“I…” She protested. But, then, sunshine shone on her through the leaves up above. And in her mind, the same thing happened. Light shone through the dark clouds onto her thoughts.
“You do so much for me too,” She said, her tears falling down onto my shoulder. “You’re the bestest friend I could have ever asked for.”
...
“Heh... I don’t know how, when at least 90% of my personality is Meanie.” I managed to say jokingly.
She giggled. “I don’t believe that for a second.”
“Oh?... then how about this!” I pull back from her suddenly and then raise my finger before she can react.
“Boop.” Her eyes widen as I bop her on the nose, and then they close as she looks extremely flustered.
“I thought we promised to never do that again!”
“Sorry, that was Meanie who made that promise. And you know how Meanie is with promises.” I say as I wink at her.
“Oh… oh yeah!? Well in that case!” Sayori suddenly grinned, and I don’t like it one bit.
“Wait, Sayori, we don’t have to resort to violence-”
Too late. She’s already tackled me to the ground and is giggling as I struggle to escape what she’s doing.
“Ack! How the hell are you this strong!?”
“Because I didn’t stay inside playing games and watching anime all day growing up.” She replied with a mischievous giggle accompanying her words.
She'd had to go through physical therapy, yet you'd hardly be able to tell that now. Maybe, it'd even enhanced her natural strength from before?
My struggles are all in vain. It is only mere moments before I’m flat on my back, breathing in and out heavily with her on top of me, grinning down at me victoriously.
Our clothes are now messed up and covered in dirt. But I don’t even care about that, because even now she still looks beautiful.
Her grin turns back into a smile, and I pull my head up to kiss her on the lips. Something she returns gladly.
We become lost in the moment. And it’s only when we disconnect that I find I’m sitting up, holding her in my lap. She’s looking at me, her eyes almost distant, but not because of her depression this time.
We stare at each other, our breathing heavy, wanting nothing more than to continue what we're doing… but then, her eyes focus, and she begins to blush just like I am.
"Um... heheh... sorry about that." I chuckle out nervously.
“Yeah, um... We… should probably head back… we don’t want Natsuki or the others thinking we’d actually do anything ‘indecent’ out here,” Sayori said, rubbing her fingers nervously together in front of her.
She says that as if we weren’t about to do something indecent right now. I can’t help but think that, and my blush grows in intensity. Our clothes definitely aren’t going to help with that either.
Yet, despite that…
“Maybe… but then, maybe I don’t care about that as much as spending time with you,” I tell her sincerely.
…
She smiled, and I can’t help but smile too.
"And... just know, even if Meanie does break his promises... I won't ever break my promises to you." I then told her sincerely.
Tears entered her eyes at my words. But they were alongside a small, grateful smile that I recognized as hers.
“Meiji... Come on... we should save all this for after we get home.”
“So we are going to continue this later.” I give her a cheeky grin.
“Maybe, if you aren’t a Meanie by then.”
“Hey!”
“Ehehe~”
Regretfully, we help each other up and begin walking back to where our picnic is set up hand in hand.
…
We’re both silent on the way back… but then again, silence alone is worth a thousand words when it’s just me and her like this.
She subtly moves closer to me, and my hand lets go of hers, choosing to allow my arm to rest over her shoulders instead. She cuddles into my side and closes her eyes; content to never leave that spot ever again.
Part of me wants to tease her for not watching out for rogue trees for me. But I decide to leave her be.
I keep my eyes open. If only to prevent me from walking us into any more trees. Though I can’t hide the smile on my face.
---
Years later, on a nightstand next to our wedding picture, a final stanza of a bittersweet poem rests in a frame for us to see.
I know now I must wake.
Then look upon your face.
To face the light of day.
Together through our pain.
Because my heart beats for you.
As your heart beats for me.
…
“Heh, I’m so happy you allowed me to add that last line to your poem,” I tell my wife and best friend as I hold her close.
"Don't be such a Meanie about it." Sayori smiled, and we share a kiss that lasts an eternity.
...
We both love each other.
We both care for each other.
We still have our struggles. Our problems. Our regrets to this day.
Do I still wish Sayori hadn’t tried to kill herself?
Yes. I never want her to go through that ever again.
Do I still wish that I could have been a better friend to my best friend?
Absolutely. I will never regret anything more than the time I lost at her side.
But am I going to spend every day of the rest of my life dedicated to making her happy?
You freaking bet I am.
Because, thankfully, she is just as dedicated to my happiness as I am to hers. And while we’re living our adult lives now…
I feel a little better, knowing that I’ll be going through all those extra problems alongside my best friend.
Because just as her heart beats for me...
My heart beats for her.
The End