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When Gordon Tracey was eight years old, he won best in show for a science fair.
It had been obvious from the start that he would win, having built a working model of an earthquake caused tsunami that wiped out a town of lego while all of the others in his age bracket had presented posters covered in glitter or single word slides on a computer with the most basic of science knowledge they had covered in class.
His Dad had been so proud, ruffling his hair and taking him out for dessert afterwards, that Gordon had just gone along with it, revelling in his Dad’s attention.
He didn’t sleep that night, nor the night after, his mind full of screams from those lego figures he had drowned. A part of him wondered if he should talk to his Dad, admit to the reason he had chosen to present on tsunamis, but the rest of him just wanted his Dad to keep bragging that he had won.
It was a few days after the fair when Scott had asked Gordon to call their father to dinner, Gordon had not hesitated to enter Jeff’s office but he had stilled the moment he saw his tsunami model next to Jeff’s desk.
He wanted to storm up to the model and smash it, lego town and all. He wanted to scream, he wanted to never see that thing again but most of all he wanted his Dad to hold him and promise him that everything was going to be okay.
“Dinners ready.” Gordon said.
“Thank you Gor-“
Gordon was already gone, his heart racing as he fled from the office. Gordon didn’t sleep that night either, curled up in the corner of his room with his head in his hands, trying to drown out the screams.
When he slunk out of his room the next morning, his stomach growling for food, no one commented on his absence from dinner nor did they comment when he fell asleep on the couch not ten minutes later, curled up against Scott’s warm body.
The next time that Gordon had to think about his phobia of tsunamis, it was when he was being celebrated as the newest Olympic Gold swimmer, one of the youngest in history, and he had been asked to make a series of water safety videos. He didn’t mind, always loving educating the general public about how to stay safe. But then he saw on the script the final presentation; how to stay safe in a tsunami.
Gordon knew you couldn’t stay safe in a tsunami. They moved too quickly, the waves too big to escape. He could say they needed to keep an eye on the tide all he wanted and he could suggest that they find higher ground but Gordon knew there was nothing someone could do to actually protect themselves in an actual tsunami. He knew because he had seen it. He had seen the footage from Thunderbird 2, he had seen the news reports, he had heard the screams of the people who could not outrun the rushing water.
It had been one of the first missions for the original Thunderbirds, rescuing civilians from the deadly water and helping with the clean up afterwards. Gordon had been too young back then to help anyone and Jeff had left him home alone with Alan but Gordon had watched the feed the whole time.
He did the safety videos. When Virgil later found him throwing up in the bathroom Gordon had claimed food poisoning and Virgil had thankfully believed him. Gordon did not do any more promotional projects for a long time, not even ones about the olympics, just in case any one of them mentioned tsunamis.
It felt stupid, being terrified of tsunamis when he worked in rescue, specialising in water rescue no less, but if anything it only made him more qualified to be scared of it. He knew how fast a normal wave can rescind and become a tsunami, he knew what it was like to see the bodies of those who could not run fast enough.
Gordon also knew that there was an average of two deadly or damaging tsunamis a year which meant no matter how scared of them he was, he would have to at the very least help with the clean up of damaging waters twice a year if not more. He helped with the rescues. He didn’t sleep for days after and he would not be able to even see his pool without his heart beating right out of his chest, but he helped with the rescues because he was a Tracy.
He helped people when they needed him most, he couldn’t afford to take a day off just because he would feel sick later remembering those he could not save, remembering the waves that towered over him that sometimes even covered up even the sun.
There had already been three tsunamis this year. One had been caused by a volcano, its debris spilling out into the ocean and sending high waves towards Asia. The damage had been manageable, thankfully, but people had still been hurt because you could not fight against a tsunami.
The other two had been because of sea quakes. There had been enough warning for the first one and everyone had managed to get to high ground in time, with the help of International Rescue of course. But the second tsunami had hit without warning and it had hit an island nation that did not have high ground.
Gordon lost count of the bodies he had recovered that day just like he lost count of the panic attacks he had in the days after. His brothers did not question him then either, each of them dealing with the tragedy in their own ways.
There had already been more than the average amount of tsunamis and yet John had just alerted them of another, this time off the east coast of Australia, Gordon had just stood there, staring.
“Let’s go, Gordie.” Virgil said.
“Right.” Gordon whispered.
He forced his legs to move, his lungs to breathe, his heart to slow. He could not panic, not now. Not yet. People needed his help, he could freak out later.
“EOS,” John’s voice echoed from the radio. “Activate tsunami protocols on Tracy Island.”
“Tsunami protocols activated, John.” EOS said. “Though I should mention that Tracy Island is not in the predicted radius for damage.”
“Even so,” John said. “We should be careful.”
A new thrill of fear washed over Gordon. He had never once considered that the tsunami might reach them even here. It had always been a risk, living on an Island in the Pacific Ocean had always been dangerous, but the thought of this particular tsunami reaching their little island absolutely terrified him.
Gordon sat down heavily on the co-pilots seat, not quite remembering how he had gotten there.
“You’re awfully quiet.” Virgil said, flicking buttons on the dashboard. “Everything all good?”
“All good.” Gordon said.
Virgil twisted to him but Gordon did not meet his eye, bringing up a data pad with all of the information they had so far. His blood ran cold. The scanners showed that strong waves were already close to hitting the coast but they were going to get so much worse, the tsunami itself still on its way.
The Thunderbirds were fast and they were close but they still might not get there in time.
“Gordon,” Virgil said. “I need to know that you’re okay.”
“I’m okay.” Gordon said. “Of course I’m okay. Let’s go.”
“You’re shaking.” Virgil accused.
Of course he was shaking, a tsunami was going to hit and people were going to die and there was absolutely nothing he could do to stop the screams from echoing in his head.
“I’m fine.” Gordon said. “I just had, like, three mountain dews? I’m like, so buzzed right now.”
It was a lie but Virgil laughed all the same and started the launch sequence so Gordon felt that the lie was worth it.
Gordon’s training was going to kick in any moment now and he could turn his brain off until after the mission ended. He could forget most of this, like he forced himself to forget all the other tsunamis, he just needed to turn on his training mode. But Gordon’s hands were still shaking and his mind was still very much there.
People were going to die today from waves that no one can outrun and there was nothing Gordon could do about that. He needed to just get the job done, save those he could. He needed to just shut down his mind, shut down his emotions, shut down everything but his training. But he couldn’t.
“Gordon?” Virgil said.
Gordon should prep Thunderbird 2 just in case they needed it. He tried to stand up but his legs simply refused to support him and he landed back down.
“Gordon, can you hear me?”
“Virgil,” Scott’s voice echoed. “What’s going on?”
“One sec.” Virgil said. “Gordon, can you look at me please? I need you to breathe deeply.”
“Virgil,” Scott said. “Report.”
Virgil clicked the radio off, setting Thunderbird 2 onto autopilot and coming over.
They shouldn’t be on autopilot, autopilot slowed them down too much. They needed to get to Australia as fast as they could, reach it before the tsunami did. They had to warn people, had to get people to safety.
Gordon’s head was spinning.
Virgil was talking to him, holding onto his shaking hand, but Gordon did not talk to him. He could not talk to him. They were wasting time. People were going to die if they didn’t get to safety in time except no one can get to safety in time because tsunamis move too fast and can hit without warning and people were going to die and his head was spinning and Virgil was wasting time.
The tsunami never hit.
By some miracle, the worst of the waves had dissipated on the way over to Australia, melting back into the normal tide by the time they finally hit land. No one was dead, no one was hurt and no property had ever been at risk. Everything was fine yet Gordon was still shaking, his knees pulled close to his chest, the sand warm below him.
Gordon felt someone sit beside him but he did not turn to greet them, too scared that it might be a drowned person with blue skin and bruises as if that would be possible. He buried further into his knees, promising himself that he would not look.
“Gordon,” Virgil said. “Do you want to talk about it?”
If he talked now, his voice would crack and his tears would finally spill over so no, he did not want to talk about it.
Gordon had heard the argument over the comms, he had heard Scott claiming that if the tsunami had hit and Gordon had frozen like that then it could have killed people. He couldn’t even deny Scott’s logic, Gordon’s reaction in the face of danger had been immature and stupid and dangerous. He had no right to claim the name Tracy, had no right to even be a pilot of Thunderbird 4 if he couldn’t even handle one little tsunami risk.
“About Scott,” Virgil said. “You know what he’s like. He doesn’t mean it, he was just scared for you.”
“It’s fine.” Gordon croaked. “But… Can you go? Please? I- I need to be alone.”
“I’m not leaving you alone,” Virgil said. “Not like this. We don’t have to talk about it but I think we should talk about something.”
Gordon chewed on his lip, eyes burning hot. He did not yell at Virgil to leave, he didn’t think he could do anything without giving into the tears and he didn’t want Virgil to worry any more than he already was. If Gordon could pretend that everything was okay then Virgil will leave him alone.
“What about?” Gordon asked, his voice hollow even to himself.
“Anything.” Virgil said. “Hell, we could talk about dolphins. Just anything to get your mind off of it.”
“You don’t care about dolphins.”
“I care about you.” Virgil said easily. “And dolphins are actually pretty cool. Weren’t you saying there were some that make rings of water or whatever to catch prey?”
“They kick up mud.” Gordon corrected. “Then corral prey into a smaller area to make it easier to catch.”
Tsunamis kick up mud too. Gordon groaned, cursing his own stupid mind and the stupid connections it made that didn’t make any sense. He was shaking stronger now, nails clawing into his knees if only to have something to focus on.
This was so stupid, he was so stupid. They were talking about dolphins for gods sake not tsunamis but dolphins live in the ocean and tsunamis stem from the ocean and he felt like he was going to be sick.
“Gordon,” Virgil said gently. “Can you tell me what I can do to help?”
“Leave.” Gordon whispered. “No! Stay. Please stay.”
“I’ll stay.” Virgil promised. “For as long as you need.”
Virgil settled a little closer to Gordon, not quite touching him but close enough to assure Gordon that he wasn’t alone. Gordon hated that he was wasting Virgil’s time; even if the tsunami had never hit there was still paperwork to fill out and reports to be given. Gordon would have to do reports too but he was stuck here, sitting on the beach, his entire body shaking.
“You know,” Virgil said. “I used be be terrified of caves.”
“But you specialise in caves.” Gordon mumbled. “You use your exo-suit all the time.”
“Yeah, I do now, but they first time I went with Dad to help a cave in, I completely froze up. Dad had to carry me out, I had almost passed out just from the idea of another cave in happening while I was in there.”
Gordon didn’t know why Virgil was bringing that up so he just hummed.
“You though,” Virgil said. “You’ve never once let your fear of water get in the way.”
Gordon snapped up.
“I’m not scared of water.” He said quickly. “That would be stupid. I’m a swimmer. I live in the water.”
“Maybe not water itself,” Virgil said, keeping his gaze out on the ocean. “But something about the water scares you, doesn’t it? Do you really think I haven’t noticed how you act after a water disaster? No, not just any disaster… Tsunami’s in particular?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Gordon said hotly.
“You throw up.” Virgil said. “Or you don’t sleep. Hell, it’s sometimes weeks before you start swimming for fun again after a tsunami.”
Virgil wasn’t supposed to know that. Nobody was supposed to know that. Gordon had been so careful, he hadn’t let anyone see him after the adrenaline passed, after the job was done and the people affected were either saved or dead. He hadn’t let anyone else see those memories of screams and water rushing around, he hadn’t let anyone see the fear that drenched him to the bone.
Gordon’s hands were shaking again so he dug his nails even further into his knees.
“It’s stupid.” He said.
“It isn’t stupid.” Virgil said. “Fear is normal. Tsunamis in particular are terrifying, it’s fair enough you struggle with them. I’m just impressed with how well you’ve managed all the missions involving tsunamis, you never let your fear get in the way.”
Except Gordon had let his fear get in the way. Scott had said it himself over the radio, if Gordon had frozen like that in a real tsunami people would die. Gordon had failed the people of Australia, he had failed International Rescue and he had failed his Dad.
“They were screaming.” Gordon said.
“Who were?”
“The people. They were screaming for help and the water took them and Dad couldn’t find them and they died screaming.”
“Gordon,” Virgil said gently. “When was this?”
Gordon shook his head, gnawing at his lip. He didn’t know the date, his focus had been so fixed on the feed that he had never once looked at the date. The image, the screams, were seared into his brain but he didn’t even remember when the tsunami had happened. He had been eight when he won the science fair so he must have been younger still when he saw the live feed.
“They were screaming.” Gordon said. “I can’t stop the screaming.”
“Oh Gordie, whatever happened, it was never your fault.”
But it had been his fault. He had been too young to help his Dad, too young help anybody.
People had died and they were going to keep dying and no amount of water safety videos or successful missions was going to change that.
Virgil shifted beside him, tugging Gordon into his arms. Gordon didn’t deserve a hug right now, he didn’t deserve anything but the screams but he melted into the touch all the same. The tears were flowing freely now, soaking into Virgil’s uniform. Virgil wrapped his arms around Gordon, pressing a kiss to the top of Gordon’s head.
“You’re okay, little brother,” Virgil soothed. “Everything’s okay.”
“I couldn’t save them.”
“I know, I know, but everything’s going to be okay.”
No one can outrun a tsunami and Gordon can not help anyone. He can’t even pull away from Virgil now, he can’t remind Virgil that they needed to submit their reports. He just sat there in Virgil’s arms, his entire body shuddering with sobs.
Like the tide, Gordon’s tears eventually ebbed, his shudders slowing until they too stopped. He drooped further into Virgil’s chest, exhaustion pulling at his very soul. He stayed there for a while longer, breathing in Virgil’s familiar scent and relaxing into his warmth.
They couldn’t stay like this forever. Gordon pulled away and Virgil let him, staying close by just in case Gordon still needed his comfort.
“I’m sorry.” Gordon mumbled.
“There’s nothing to be sorry for.” Virgil said.
Virgil reached out, setting a hand on Gordon’s shoulder.
“You have saved people.” He said. “You know that right?”
“Not everyone.” Gordon said hollowly.
“No.” Virgil said. “Not everyone. But that doesn’t change the fact that you’ve saved people. It’s completely okay to be scared, even if it feels like you’re not allowed to be. I get scared all the time. So does John and Alan."
“Scott doesn’t.”
“Are you kidding me? He was fucking terrified for you when you went quiet.”
“But he said that people could have died because I froze.”
“Scott says a lot of things, especially when he’s scared. It’s easier for him to be angry sometimes and I’m sorry that you had to hear him say that. Trust me, I was already going to hit him for that the next time I see him. The next time a tsunami hits, you don’t have to come with us.”
“No.” Gordon said. “I need to help.”
“You need to look after yourself too.”
“I want to help.” Gordon said. “International Rescue helps, even when they’re scared. You go in caves. I can help with tsunamis.”
The hand on Gordon’s shoulder moved up to his head and Virgil ruffled his hair. Gordon’s memories flashed back to when his Dad had ruffled his hair like that, so proud of his presentation on tsunamis.
“I’m so proud of you.” Virgil said, his voice echoing alongside their Dad’s. “Do you think you can stand up?”
“Can we stay for a little bit longer?”
“Of course.”
Gordon sat there for a while, watching the waves rise up and crash, the tide shifting inwards as the sun set. He timed his breathing to the water, he let himself imagine what it felt like on his skin. Gordon had always loved the water but he also knew how dangerous it was. That danger could not be avoided but it also did not diminish the beauty that was the ocean.
The beauty that was his brothers love for him.
Gordon stood, his body sore.
“Okay.” He said. “Ice cream?”
“Ice cream.” Virgil agreed.
“You’re buying.”
“Absolutely not."