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No matter how much Leo heaved, nothing came up.
He cursed himself, useless even in this, but that didn’t seem to help him feel better either. He was left shaking, hanging onto the tree as if it were the only thing that kept him upright and if he was being honest it probably was. Leo’s head spun, fighting against another gag.
The pain had started two days ago but it had never been this bad. He had been sore, sure, but it hadn’t felt like he was being ripped apart from the inside, the heat radiating from his stomach all the way to his back. Leo had barely managed to get away from Cabin 9 in time only to not be able to throw up and if anything that just frustrated him even more.
None of his siblings had followed him outside, not that he expected them too. The children of Hephaestus were known to get so absorbed in their projects that even a bomb going off wouldn’t distract them so it wasn’t like they would have noticed him stumbling out fighting back choking gags.
Besides, Leo wouldn’t want their attention anyway. No one needed to see him like this, braced against a tree as his whole body shuddered, like some pathetic child.
A distant part of him knew that he should go to the infirmary. Will would know how to help him, one sip of Ambrosia would probably fix him right up. But to go to the infirmary he would have to admit that he wasn’t feeling well and if he did that then surely everything would just feel worse. Not only that, if he went to the Apollo Cabin now they would laugh him out; a pitiful Latino boy who couldn’t even put up with a tummy ache.
No. He wouldn’t tell anyone. He couldn’t tell anyone. Most people at camp were already sick of him, there was no point in giving them even more reason to think him annoying. He would be fine. He was fine. He was Leo Valdez, son of the most amazing woman to have ever lived and the Gods Damned God of blacksmiths. He was better than this.
Leo lurched forward.
At last the flood gates opened but the spluttering liquid just made Leo feel more sick, the burning acid making his eyes sting as his body shook, throwing up what little food he had tolerated in the last two days. Leo gagged again but he only brought up bile.
Leo whimpered, both arms pulling away from the tree so that they could wrap around his abdomen. The pain was undoubtedly worse now and it was all he could do to keep himself from collapsing.
He needed help.
No. Leo never needed help. And even if he did need help, no one gave a shit enough to actually care about what happened to him. It was only a matter of time before the rest of camp accepted just how pathetic he was, it was a miracle in itself that they hadn’t cast him out yet and he sure as hell wasn’t going to give them an excuse now.
Voices swirled around him and Leo jerked up. He spun around, trying to find where the voices came from, vision flashing white. He overbalanced, barely keeping himself from falling in his own sick, at last tracking where the voice had come from.
It was a daughter of Ares. Gloating, of course, regaling someone with a story that no doubt the other person had been there for. The girl and her companion hadn’t spotted Leo yet so he ducked behind his tree, holding back another whimper less they hear him.
No one could see him like this. They already knew he was useless, he didn’t need their snide remarks to confirm it.
The girl and her friend at last passed Leo fully. He let out a breath, feeling dizzy. The pain was still growing steadily, radiating from his left side. For a stupid moment Leo wondered if this was what cramps felt like. He should ask Annabeth or Piper though they would probably both just laugh at his honest question, surely cramps were worse than whatever the hell he was experiencing. How they had the patience for him, he had no idea.
Leo forced his shaking legs to move, stumbling away from the safety of his tree. Leo whimpered outright now, unable to hold it back. He had to move, he had to get out of here before someone saw him like this. He couldn’t go to his Cabin, there were still so many of his brothers and sisters there and even if they were still entrenched in their projects Leo couldn’t chance annoying them. The Bunker would be busy too so Leo had to find somewhere else. Somewhere he could lay low for long enough for whatever this illness was to pass. Leo’s whole body shuddered but he kept moving anyway.
He should just go deeper into the woods; wood nymphs would be easier to fend off than nosey campers.
For a time he walked on autopilot, going deeper and deeper into the woods. It was dumb luck that today wasn’t Capture the Flag but that didn’t mean he was safe here. He had to stay vigilant, had to make sure that no one spotted him. He was already so tired, so sore, he knew that if anyone at all made a joke at his expense he would burst into tears. Leo’s world spun around him, the nausea building up again. The pain only grew with it and Leo lurched forward, throwing up more bile. Leo’s stomach heaved as he choked back a sob.
He cursed himself.
Pathetic.
Disgusting.
Useless.
Leo’s knees buckled but he didn’t bother trying to catch himself this time. He held back a scream, the pain reaching a fever pitch. He was sweating, his hands shaking as he lay there in his own sick. He didn’t know how long he stayed there, letting himself cry but not too loudly just in case someone heard him, less he annoy them too much.
Crying hurt more than walking had which only made him cry harder.
The pain wasn’t just intense; it was all encompassing. Something was wrong. Something was genuinely wrong with him and there was nothing he could do to fix it because he had been too much of a coward to go to the Infirmary earlier.
Leo spat out a glob of bile. He stilled, staring at glob. It wasn’t bile. It was blood.
Blood.
He had coughed up blood. Oh Gods he was alone in the woods and he had just thrown up blood and he was going to die. Leo didn’t want to die, of course he didn’t want to die. But he couldn’t even move let alone stand and even if he had the guts to see Will, the Son of Apollo would just be disgusted with him. He was covered in sick, bile and blood and even if he wasn’t Will wouldn’t want to see him. No one wanted to see him.
Leo was going to die alone, like he had always known he would. He deserved no less after all, he only wished that it wouldn’t be so painful.
“Leo?”
He had been a fool to think he ever belonged here. So what if he was good with machines, he was a pathetic excuse for a Son of Hephaestus. Even Jason didn’t give a shit about him, all the memories they shared were just fabrications made by Hera.
No one cared about him. At least dead he couldn’t be a burden any more.
“Leo!”
Hands grabbed at him and Leo’s vision flashed white. He screamed, he thinks, too out of it to even register the sound as his own. Leo gagged and all of a sudden he was on his knees again and his Mamá was rubbing circles into his back as he threw up.
No, it wasn’t his Mamá. His Mamá the only person who had ever actually cared about him and was long dead. This was someone else. It had to be. Except no one else would rub his back. They had no reason to care for him so tenderly, he had done nothing but annoy every single person he had ever met.
“I’m fine.” Leo choked. “Just go.”
“You’re not fine Leo.”
That voice. He knew that voice.
Leo raised his head, blinking back the blurs and took a stupidly long time to recognise those blue eyes and blonde hair. But it couldn’t be. It couldn’t be Jason. Jason was so much better then this, he should be off training or on a date with Piper or doing anything at all but tending to Leo.
“What’s going on?” Jason asked gently. “Did you eat something bad?”
Leo moaned.
“Bud,” Jason said. “I think you need to go to the Infirmary.”
“No!” Leo snapped, latching onto Jason’s arm.
The world spun and Leo gagged again.
“No.” Leo repeated more weakly.
He couldn’t go to the infirmary. Jason should just let him die here alone. It would be better for everyone, better for Jason most of all.
“You’re sick. You need help.”
“I’m fine… I swear, I’m fine. Just go.”
Jason ran a hand through Leo’s hair and Leo hated that he leaned into the touch. How pathetic he was, so starved of affection that he was wasting Jason’s time like this. He was still shuddering, his stomach doing back flips and with a jolt Leo remembered just how gross and sweaty he was.
Leo pulled away from Jason and he jolted, the pain flashing hotter than ever.
In one swift movement Jason pulled Leo into his arms and stood. Leo gasped, pain exploding. He clutched onto Jason’s shirt if only to have something to ground him, burying his head into Jason’s chest. The pain was too much. Everything was too much. No, he shouldn’t be doing this. Jason didn’t want him so close, Jason didn’t want anything to do with Leo.
Leo moaned, tears running down his face even though his eyes were screwed shut.
Each step was pure agony, no matter how careful Jason was. He might be screaming, he might be silent. He wasn’t really sure of anything anymore apart from the pain and the devastation that Jason had seen him for what he truely was. A disgusting pathetic little shit that didn’t deserve anything.
He must have lost consciousness at some point because suddenly Jason was shouting and Leo was being lowered onto the ground. No, not the ground. A bed. Leo cried out not just from the pain that spiked at being set down on a hard bed but because he already missed the warmth of Jason’s arms. He reached back out, desperate for Jason’s warmth, but Jason was already gone.
It serves Leo right, he should have known better than hope Jason would stay with him.
Hands were touching him now, too many hands, and Leo shuddered strongly.
He forced his eyes to open, forced himself to focus on all the blurs around him. Leo openly sobbed as someone brushed against his stomach.
Someone was talking to him but the voice was so distant Leo couldn’t bring himself to care. A hand gripped his own and Leo’s head snapped towards whoever it was.
“Jason…” Leo whimpered.
“I’m right here.” Jason said. “But you need to answer Will’s question, he just wants to help.”
“Jason it hurts.”
“I know Bud.”
See, Jason was sick of him. Sick of Leo talking, sick of Leo complaining. Jason hated him through and through and Leo should have never let himself to care about what Jason thought of him.
“Leo,” Will said. “I’m going to touch your stomach and I need you to tell me where the pain is, alright?”
Leo shook his head. He didn’t want any more pain. He just wanted to go, he wanted to run away and make sure no one ever sees him again. He wanted to die if it meant he didn’t have to feel like this anymore.
Careful hands pressed against Leo’s abdomen and he howled.
Leo didn’t even realise he had been shifted to his side before he was already throwing up. He didn’t know how long he stayed like that, stomach refusing to settle even when he only had bile left and he choked back gag after gag.
Jason must be so disgusted. He must have already left for real, left Leo to the pain and the encroaching darkness. A hand was rubbing his back again and Leo focused on the feeling, trying in vain to breathe normally.
“Leo,” Will said. “I know it hurts but I need you to listen carefully, okay? You’re very sick. I’m going to have to do surgery but you’re-“
Leo jolted.
Surgery? Leo couldn’t have surgery. He was a coward, through and through. Will was wasting his time tending to Leo, surely there were half a dozen more deserving demi-gods that needed his help, demi-gods that weren’t terrified of surgery and drugs and pain and needles and oh Gods he needed to throw up again.
The pain was just getting worse and- No. The pain was gone. Leo blinked, the blurs clearing instantly. Jason was still there after all, fingers carding through Leo’s hair while the other hand rubbed Leo’s back.
“I’m fine.” Leo whispered. Then, more strongly. “I’m fine.”
“Fuck.” Will said. “Kayla! I need you here, now!”
“No,” Leo said. “I swear, I’m fine, the pain’s gone. Just leave me alone.”
“Leo, if the pain is gone then your appendix has already burst. You need surgery. Now.”
Everything was moving too quickly again and Leo sobbed, not from pain but from the fact that no one was listening to him. He was fine, he didn’t need surgery, they were wasting their time on him. They needed to leave him alone, they needed to stop touching him.
Will pressed a mask against Leo’s face but Leo thrashed against him, feeling like he was suffocating.
“Just breathe deeply.” Will said. “Let the medicine work.”
No. This was wrong. All of this was wrong. Jason couldn’t see him like this, no one could see him like this. He was such a pathetic coward, Jason must hate him so much. Leo thrashed again, hands rushing for what suffocated him but warm hands caught them instead. It was Jason, squeezing his hand tightly.
“Leo,” Jason said, squeezing his hand. “Breathe. I’m right here with you. You’re going to be okay.”
Leo moaned.
They couldn’t know. They couldn’t see him like this. They couldn’t…
Leo was warm.
There was a beam of sunlight cast over half his face, a blanket laid over him. He was warm and comfortable and home. Eyes still closed, he ran a hand over the blanket, wondering when his Mamá had gotten him a new one. It was so soft, almost like the fur of a wolf.
He would have to thank her, give her the tightest hug he could. Leo kept no secrets from his Mamá and she in turn would never keep secrets from him. She loved him truly and completely for who he was and Leo loved her too.
But his Mamá had kept a secret from him. She had known who his father was, she had known that he would be in danger. She had died because of him because of the secret she had kept. Leo shivered, eyes stinging.
A hand gripped his own and Leo’s eyes snapped open.
“Hey there,” Jason greeted.
Leo wasn’t home. Home had burned to the ground, his Mother along with it. But he wasn’t in his cabin either. There were drapes hanging from the roof, another few cots off to the side. The infirmary? But why was he in the infirmary?
Oh.
He had been sick. Will had been talking to him, something about appendixes and surgeries, but Leo didn’t remember falling asleep. All he remembered was the pain and the screaming and Jason. Jason had been rubbing his back, had been assuring him that everything was going to be okay.
Except Jason would never say those words because Jason didn’t give a shit about Leo, nobody did.
Leo pulled his hand away from Jason, refusing to meet his eyes. Leo wasn’t brave enough to see the hate Jason held for him so up close. Exhaustion pulled at him, a deep exhaustion that had weighed on him even before Will had drugged him.
“You should go.” Leo mumbled, his voice weak.
“No way,” Jason said. “I’m not leaving you alone.”
Leo went to sit up but Jason placed a hand on his shoulder.
“Rest.” He said. “You’re still weak.”
Of course he was weak. He was Leo.
“I’m sorry.” Leo mumbled.
“What for?”
Leo gestured to all of him but his hand dropped, utterly exhausted. His stomach was hurting a little but compared to how it had been before, this was nothing.
Before Jason could agree with Leo about how pathetic he was, a new voice broke in. Leo’s eyes flicked to Will Solace standing in the beam of sunlight, his eye brighter than ever.
“Hey Leo,” Will greeted. “How you feeling?”
Leo couldn’t tell the truth. Will wouldn’t want the truth anyway, he just wanted Leo to lie and say that he was fine so that he could send him on his way. But Leo didn’t want to lie either, he was sick of pretending that he was the suave confident Son of Hephaestus and in truth he just wanted everyone to go away.
He wanted to be alone. At least alone the only person who could hate him was himself.
“My stomach hurts.” Leo admitted.
“That’s to be expected.” Will said. “I’ll give you some more ambrosia soon but first I need to ask you something. How long were you feeling sick?”
Leo didn’t want to answer but he felt two pairs of eyes boring into him. He fidgeted with the blanket, refusing to look at either of them.
“Two days?” He said.
Jason stared at him.
Leo focused on the blanket, picking at the individual hairs of the wolf skin. Now that he was more aware of things he realised that the blanket must be Jason’s, brought from his Cabin into the infirmary for Leo and Leo alone. Why Jason would do that, Leo had no idea. He should have never risked bringing it here, less he wanted it covered in puke if Leo was sick again.
The blanket was warm though so Leo didn’t want Jason to take it back. At least, not yet. Not until Jason himself got sick of tending to Leo and ripped it from him.
“What did you say?” Jason breathed.
“Two days.” Leo said. “But it’s fine.”
Jason ran a hand through his hair, his lips pursed tightly. He would take the blanket soon and leave. Jason was sick of Leo and Leo knew it, but some part of him wanted Jason to stay anyway if only he could pretend just for a little longer that someone liked him. Except Leo knew that Jason didn’t like him because nobody liked him.
“Leo,” Will sighed. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Why would I? It’s not like anyone would care.”
Jason jolted back so hard it was as if Leo had slapped him.
“What are you talking about?” Jason demanded. “You’re my best friend. Of course I care if you’re in pain.”
It was Leo’s turn to stare. Jason was lying again, pretending to be Leo’s friend out of pity or maybe out of disgust.
“Our friendship was made by Hera.” Leo said. “You don’t have to pretend that you actually like me anymore.“
“Don’t like you? Leo you’re my best friend. I don’t care if Hera made false memories, I have real memories with you. Memories that I would never sacrifice for anything.”
This was just another lie, another trick, another joke at Leo’s expense. Jason didn’t care about him. Only his Mamá had ever cared about him and she was dead because of him. Jason was kind and perfect and brave but even Jason could never truely care about him.
Jason reached out, gripping Leo’s hand. Leo tugged it away but Jason held firm, slouching so that Leo had to meet his gaze.
“Leo,” Jason said. “Look me in the eye and tell me you knew that.”
Leo couldn’t. Of course he couldn’t. Leo was disgusting and pathetic and Jason was like Superman. Amazing brilliant brave Superman. Leo had no right to look him in the eye at all let alone look him in the eye and claim that they were best friends.
Will came closer now, his expression like a concerned doctor. How Leo hated that look. He already knew he was fucked up, he didn’t need Will’s professional opinion to prove it.
“How long have you felt like this?” Will asked.
Leo shrugged. He was tempted to say nothing, it wasn’t like Will actually cared to know the truth but Leo was too tired to joke, too tired to lie, and his stomach was still sore but talking seemed to make it feel better.
“A while.” Leo said. “The war? Maybe earlier?”
His entire life maybe except that wasn’t the truth either. Leo had been happy once, truely happy. He loved living with his Mamá, loved using her tools and scrap metal to make inventions. He had been happy with Jason and Piper too, at least he thinks he was happy back then. Familiar doubt crept into the back of his mind, wondering if even then Jason and Piper had hated him even then, even with false memories of a friendship that had never existed.
“This is going to be a really hard question,” Will said. “But I want you to be as honest as you can.” Will said.
Leo shrugged again. He had already embarrassed himself in front of the both of them, whatever Will wanted to know he might as well just tell the truth.
“Did you not come into the Infirmary earlier because you wanted to hurt yourself?”
“Why would I do that? That makes no sense.”
“I’ll rephrase it then,” Will said. “Did you feel like you did not deserve treatment?”
“Of course I don’t deserve it.”
Jason didn’t recoil this time. He deflated instead, his shoulders sagging as he drooped into the mattress, the hand holding Leo’s at last loosening. Leo didn’t pull his hand away, not wanting to lose the warmth even if he knew it was temporary.
“Leo,” Jason said softly. “Of course you deserve help. You deserve the world.”
“No.” Leo said. “You deserve the world. I’m just, well, me.”
He didn’t know why Jason and Will exchanged a look then, a doe eyed look like they felt sorry for him. He wished they would just leave him be already and worry about somebody else but he also wished that they would just stay and Jason could just keep holding his hand like that.
Leo felt dizzy, not with pain but with confusion. He wanted Jason and Will to fuck off and leave him alone but the very thought of being alone right now outright terrified him. It didn’t make any sense. Leo had never needed anybody before and he certainly didn’t need anybody now.
But the blanket was warm and Jason’s hand was warm and Will’s eyes were warm and comforting and he just wished everything would just stop.
Will sat down on the edge of the bed with Jason on the other side. Will waited for Leo to meet his eye but Leo refused, feeling crowded. He kept picking at the blanket. His hands froze. What if he ruined the blanket? Jason would hate him even more. Jason would be absolutely revolted by Leo and then Jason would leave him and Gods Leo didn’t want to be alone right now.
“Have you ever hurt yourself before?” Will asked.
“I didn’t hurt myself.” Leo said hotly.
“You were in pain for two days and you didn’t say anything.”
“It wasn’t that bad. I’m fine.”
“You’re fine now but Leo I need you to understand that you could have died. Appendicitis can cause some of the worst pain imaginable and you never once told anyone that you weren’t feeling well. That can be a form of self harm.”
“I didn’t hurt myself.” Leo repeated. “I’m not depressed.”
“Buddy, I think you are. Can you tell me the last time you felt okay? Not just the pain, but fully okay?”
“It’s fine. I can handle myself. Just go away, I’m fine.”
Please don’t go. Leo’s hands were shaking but Jason just held them tighter. This was too much. Leo didn’t want to have this conversation, he didn’t even need this conversation. This conversation was for people who actually mattered to someone and Leo didn’t-
Oh.
Leo hadn’t always felt this way. His Mamá had loved him, truely loved him and he had believed it. Jason was his friend even without Hera’s influence. They had joked together, they had stayed up for the whole night together talking about everything and anything and not once had Leo second guessed Jason’s motive.
He didn’t know when things had changed but he did know, at least distantly, that Jason was his best friend and that Jason loved him.
“I didn’t hurt myself.” Leo whispered.
But he had. Every day. Not physically, Leo had never brought a blade to his skin but he had hurt himself in other ways. He had stayed awake for days at a time working on projects that he knew would never work. He had missed meals not just because of his ADHD but because he didn’t want to waste any of the limitless food. Leo had known that his pain was serious and abnormal for two whole days and he had never once wanted to tell someone the truth.
Appendicitis can cause some of the worst pain imaginable and Leo had been unable to bring himself to bother anyone, certain that the world hated him. That Jason hated him. But Jason was his best friend and that wasn’t just pretend or false memories, that was real.
Leo would never kill himself and yet he would have let himself die.
The realisation terrified him and if it weren’t for the blanket and Jason holding his hand he might have shivered. Maybe he had shivered because Will pulled back a little, his expression still kind and his words patient.
“You should rest, Leo.” Will said. “Once you’ve recovered from surgery we can discuss the best ways to help you.”
“I don’t need help.” Leo said automatically.
But he did need and now that he realised things hadn’t always felt like this he couldn’t just ignore it. He wanted to feel better, he wanted to be better. Leo didn’t want to second guess Jason being his friend and he sure as hell never wanted to go through that pain while alone again. He had felt so disconnected to everything around him for so long that he would have never asked for help even though he had nearly died.
A part of him cursed himself, he should crack a joke or deflect their questions or do anything but just sit there, vulnerable, with all his secrets revealed. But Leo was tired. He was so tired.
“Jason…” Leo said. “I… I think I need help.”
“It’s okay.” Jason said, holding his hand ever more tightly. “I’ll be right there with you, every step of the way.”
Jason must be lying. He didn’t care about Leo, he was just pretending to because Jason is perfect and- No. Jason did care about him. Their friendship might have been created by Hera but it still existed outside of that. Jason was promising to help him not out of obligation because Leo was useless on his own but because Jason genuinely cared about him.
“You’re very brave, Leo.” Will said. “Braver than a lot of people can be. I can’t promise you that it will be easy but I can promise that I’ll be there for you too, every step of the way.”
Leo’s stomach still hurt a little and he was still so tired but at least he felt warm and he felt loved. Maybe everything was going to be okay after all because Leo was not alone.