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Hitori thought she was done with school shenanigans after her memorable (in more ways than one) performance during the school festival concert. She’d rather avoid a sequel to her astonishingly bad attempt at crowd surfing. In fact, there were still nights where she could feel herself rocketing off the stage, falling face first into hardwood and out of her sweat filled nightmares. No. No more additions to her dark past. It was already filled to the brim and overflowing. And yet…
“Oooh! So the class president wants you two to perform Valentine’s day greetings?” Nijika, enamored by the idea of students sending each other love songs, slammed her palms on the table with excitement. “Th-that’s no fair! I wish our school did that!”
“Yes!” Kita, who would otherwise have been over the moon at the thought of performing for other students, had her reservations. “Although, I really think Hitori-chan should decide if she wants to do it.”
Hitori grimaced.
“If Bocchi doesn’t want to do it, maybe I’ll go.” Ryo must be scheming something if she was going out of her way to perform at a different high school but Nijika was two steps ahead of her.
“Absolutely not! You’re just going to eat all of the Valentine’s Day candy anyway!”
“Tsk, foiled again.”
“Besides, I’m supposed to help you with homework that day!” Nijika put her foot down, denying Ryo of any sweets. “Anyway, Kita-chan is right. It’s really up to you, Bocchi-chan.”
The pressure’s on for Hitori. Normally, this would have been an easy pass. She still has two more years to go in high school and making those last two years extra miserable was out of the question. And yet, she couldn’t shake a nagging thought–how Kita’s voice sounded almost disappointed. Hitori groaned silently to herself.
"Offer still stands, Bocchi." Ryo gave a thumbs up.
"You. Are. Not!" Nijika took Ryo's thumbs up and twisted her wrist into a thumbs down.
"Now, now, everyone." Kita joined the fray in an attempt to pacify Ryo and Nijika (which usually almost never works.)
Despite all of the noise, Hitori had lost track of the conversation. She couldn't shake the thought of Kita in her mind. Actually, she couldn't stop thinking of Kita lately. And maybe it was just her imagination but she often catches Kita watching her on occasion. It was nothing big–small glances here and there during performances or maybe during train rides home. Oftentimes, she’d notice a hint of pink on Kita's face as a small smile formed. No, it must definitely be her imagination. Maybe it was light reflecting on her face or small shadows at the corner of hermouth that made her look like she was smiling. Hitori had no business being on the same level as Kita. There was no way that a pretty and outgoing girl like Kita would ever fall for a tardigrade-level human like her. This was all just fleeting moments of hope that needed to be quashed. Nipped at the bud. Abandoned.
And yet, a selfish desire surfaced within Hitori's swamp of consciousness. Selfish enough that it managed to override her ego. A moment of panic, or maybe it was her racing thoughts, but the selfish desire to see Kita happy jumped out of her throat and flopped awkwardly on Starry's table like a catfish out of water.
"I'll d-do it…"
Ryo was obviously disappointed that she missed her chance at stealing candy. Nijika sounded overjoyed and Kita… Kita ….
Hitori stared at her knuckles, white from gripping at her pink tracksuit. Her heart pounded so hard, she could feel it in her throat. A quick look up and through her bangs, she caught a glimpse of the sweetest smile from Kita. Her usual radiance somehow tempered into a warm glow (or maybe Hitori had just gotten used to it). She looked down again at her knuckles and hoped that Kita didn't notice how red her face was.
Regret at her impulsive decision did not set in until much later when Hitori made it home. She trudged to her room, the adrenaline having run its course and a heavy, sick feeling sat in her stomach that coalesced into knots. "What did I get myself into?"
In the warm comfort of her closet, lit by the familiar, white glow of her laptop screen, Hitori's thoughts raced through all of the worst case scenarios: humiliation, ostracization, death sentences, maybe awkward stares? Will it all be worth it? She asked herself as she curled up, hoping her knees could kick the knots out of her gut somehow. All these paths to her destruction somehow led to a common path, Kita.
Kita, with the prettiest smiles that could knock Hitori out of any Seishun-triggered meltdown. Kita, who gave the warmest hugs. Kita, who understood Hitori for what she really was. Kita, who looked up to Hitori. Kita, who thought that she was the coolest. Kita, who does her absolute best to support her. Kita, who was… also extremely fond of Ryo. The knots in her gut tightened and Hitori scrunched into a smaller ball of pink and despair. There was just no way a lovely girl like Kita would return the feelings of a marine spoon worm like her.
Hitori’s mind drifted in between waking and dreams, which allowed herself to indulge in thoughts that her lucid self would immediately deny. Maybe just once, she could somehow tell Kita directly how she felt. Maybe she could hint at it and have an escape plan ready? Not in a literal sense. Actually, both might be good. "Ah ha ha Kita-san I was just kidding! Happy Valentine's Day and advanced April Fools!" And she'll run back to class or something.
The following day was miserable because Hitori spent the whole night formulating ways to tell Kita how she felt alongside the appropriate contingencies involved in case of an emergency. When dawn finally broke through her window to reveal the scope of her absurd plans (it involved a lot of paper, string, sketches and maybe a song or two to help her cope), she knew she was done for.
Classes ended and Hitori somehow found herself at Starry, half crazed, half-asleep and overall very unstable. The rest of Kessoku Band were still debating on the specifics of Hitori and Kita's little venture.
"I think we should charge them a service fee."
"No service fees!"
Ryo clicked her tongue after her latest scheme was shot down by Nijika.
"Fine. Alright." Without missing a beat, the bassist turned to Kita. "Ikuyo, you and Bocchi will be in costumes, right?"
"H-huh? No, I don't think so?"
Ryo produced a sheet of paper where she drew a scantily clad Hittori draped in what appeared to be a rather revealing toga that also happened to highlight her… curves. It was a cupid cosplay, complete with wings and a bow and arrow.
"Now THIS will make us money!" Ryo bangs her hand on the table, albeit weakly. Maybe it was her attempt to sound convincing.
"I-I-I-I don't think they'll allow us to wear that." Kita was red all over.
Nijika pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed. Hitori already had a difficult time wearing the maid outfit during the culture festival and this was most definitely out of the question.
"Um… actually this might work, senpai?" Kita pointed at the wings in the drawing.
"Ooh nice one, Kita-chan!" Nijika chimed in. "That'll look really cute on you and Bocchi-chan!"
Nijika was right. Kita did have an eye for cute things and it was definitely a better alternative than the rest of whatever Ryo drew.
"I…I think that can work for me too." Hitori weakly raised her hand in agreement.
"Great! I think we can make this work!"
Nijika and Ryo crossed Hitori's mind the previous night. She wondered how Kessoku Band would even function if, say, Kita and her would be dating. Would Ryo be jealous? Does Ryo even see Kita in a romantic sense? Scenarios of bands breaking up because of romantic tension played in Hitori’s head. It’ll be a domino effect and Hitori will find herself back in her closet after being kicked out of Kessoku Band for being a band wrecker. All Hitori did was take a mental step back and the situation went from a micro problem to a macro problem.
"There's something definitely bothering you, Bocchi-chan." Perceptive as always, Nijika never shied from being up front with Kessoku Band's problems, regardless of their perceived scale. Her effervescent smile was lit by the fluorescent lights of vending machines where Hitori and Nijika had made their de facto private meeting place. "It's about the Valentine's day thing, isn't it?"
Her aim was good but not quite a bullseye. Hitori fidgeted, her hands held firmly on her soda can. "M-maybe?"
Nijika hummed, finger to her lips in quiet contemplation. "Or maybe it has something to do with Kita-chan?"
Direct hit. The shot made Hitori flinch and squeak. Was she too obvious? Hitori often wondered if Nijika's ahoge could pick up her thoughts and this was probably the best evidence to support that. Awkwardly, Hitori waved her hands and meant to say something along the lines of "it's not what you think!" but only a garbled mess escaped her throat.
"That's alright, Bocchi-chan. You’ve been gloomier than usual when you're around Kita-chan lately." She took a quick gulp from her lemonade. "She's a bit worried, you know? She's starting to feel guilty that she pressured you to do this Valentine thing."
"N-n-no! I'm o-okay doing it!" Hitori felt like spilling her guts. Maybe then she'll manage to get rid of the knots in her stomach. However, the worries of how Nijika would react when she finds out about her feelings for Kita made her hesitate.
Nijika continued to smile, her face half lit but sincerity and kindness shone through. It reminded Hitori of the night she shared her dreams with Nijika. There really wasn't any reason to be afraid, was there?
"Um… I think … I think I have a crush on Kita-san…" Despite stammers, her words came out clearly in the cold of the night. A wisp from her breath trailed her words as if to carry her message to her friend. “I think I’ll confess to her this Valentine’s Day….”
"Ah, is that so?" Nijika was reassuring; the tone of her voice sounded so comforting that Hitori welled up with tears. "I sorta figured you had a thing for Kita-chan, especially after you wrote that one song."
"H-huh? Song?"
"Well, to be precise, Ryo and I figured you have a crush on Kita-chan." Nijika scratched the back of her head sheepishly and chuckled warmly. "I mean the lyrics were kinda obviously about Kita-chan so I guess we figured it out from there."
Hitori was flabbergasted. She thought she made the lyrics subtle enough or maybe she went a bit overboard without realizing it? Panic started to set in, especially since the subject of her little love song happened to be the singer of said song.
"Relax, I don't think Kita-chan knows, or at least she doesn't show it."
Of course, that was far from reassuring Hitori. She’d rather that Kita remained oblivious of the meaning of her lyrics. All those times she had been hanging out with her… there was no way she knew then, did she? Delving any deeper in those thoughts would certainly make Bocchi crater into oblivion so she tried to change the subject.
“A-ah…s-so Ryo-san also knows…. Is she… is she upset?”
“Ryo?!” As she tossed her empty lemonade bottle, Nijika guffawed. “Of course not. She’ll probably be more upset that she won’t have anyone to mooch off of anymore.”
Hitori sighed (of relief?), gulped the last bit of her cola and tossed her can. It made a dull clang, loud enough to be heard through the whole neighborhood. Uneasy quietness draped its suffocating veil on the pair as Hitori tried to search for the words, if there were even any, to say in such a situation.
“Are you upset, Nijika-chan?”
“Not at all!” She smiled widely, her white teeth looked brighter thanks to the fluorescent lights. “I’m sure it’ll work out for the both of you. I believe in you, Bocchi-chan!”
Hitori felt grateful from Nijika’s words of encouragement although the knots in her stomach lingered. Perhaps the idea of rejection was what scared her the most. Even if Kita rejected her confession, they would at least stay friends… right? But then how would all of those moments that she shared with Kita change? The walk home from Starry after work, the small conversations sprinkled with Kita's laughter, the tiny moments of closeness–hugs from Kita, sharing lunch with her at school, the guitar lessons where lately it felt like their chairs have become closer… will it all be worth it? The knots inside her twisted ten fold as these thoughts cycled in her endlessly so much so that she didn't even realize that it was already Valentine's day.
Nijika and Kita managed to somehow procure wings attached to harnesses in order for Hitori and Kita to easily play their guitars (which will be plugged into mini-amps to limit their volume). Thankfully, that was the most extravagant part of their costume. Ryo protested, obviously. Kita wanted more “spirit” with the shirts by adding slogans or romantic lyrics but that only triggered more sports festival related meltdowns for Hitori so the idea was soundly rejected. Nijika, having the final say, decided to go with simple pink shirts emblazoned with a giant red heart. Ryo called it a bit tacky but Hitori liked the idea for some reason.
Balancing the wings as well as the weight of her guitar felt awkward at first but Hitori managed to become accustomed to the extra peripherals during practice. Oh yeah, that’s where they are. Hitori wasn’t normally in her practice room with Kita so early in the morning. Come afternoon, the sun had already passed the window and the dark gloom would have enveloped the both of them. In the morning, the room was surprisingly bright and warm. The sun shone directly through the window, casting its rays and creating stark shadows. Hitori’s eyes wandered as Kita and her went through a second run of a popular love song. She quietly observed Kita, who had her eyes closed, possibly to concentrate on the lyrics that she had to memorize in short notice. A stray sunbeam shone on a hint of pink on her cheek which Hitori fixated on.
“Alright, are you ready to go?” As the last chords were strummed, Kita opened her eyes. “You’re amazing as always, Hitori-chan! I think we got this!”
Hitori nodded, eyes downcast and her nerves making her shake ever so slightly despite Kita’s words of encouragement. “Ha ha y-yeah….” A bit of an anemic response but Kita appeared satisfied.
Kita had a list of students that were to receive Valentine’s Day greetings. If a class happened to have more than one, unfortunately they’d have to play just one song for all of them in order to save time. Then, Hitori would be handing out candy from her sack. Hitori thought it was absurd since it would feel more like Christmas with all of the gift giving from a sack situation. Not only that, but what about students who didn’t get greetings? Wouldn’t they feel left out? Oh, poor forgotten souls. Never will you taste the joys of receiving Valentine’s Day chocolates. It dawned on Hitori that even she never received a single ounce of holiday treats.
“Hi-Hitori-chan?” Kita nudged her before Hitori could lapse into a half an hour deep dive of her Seishun Complex.
“A-ah! Yes!” They were in their first classroom. “Let’s d-do it!”
The performances went surprisingly well. No threats of humiliation or ostracization, thankfully. Performing for a classroom wasn’t as terrible as say, a small crowd at Starry or an auditorium. It was nerve wracking for Hitori regardless. Fortunately, Kita was there to maintain eye contact and sing. She anchored Hitori to reality where she could focus on her guitar and not worry about stares from the crowd. She did make quick glances at her audience however, just out of sheer curiosity. Some looked absolutely pleased, some a bit bored, some looked more red from having to be singled out and serenaded by Kita.
“I can’t believe I just got a Valentine's Day song from Kita-san!”
“You moron! That’s from your girlfriend!”
“Kita-chan is so cute with her costume!!”
The boys (and some girls) appeared to be really pleased to be getting a song from Kita. No surprises especially with Kita’s radiant personality, Hitori thought to herself.
A novel sensation bubbled up from the swamp of Hitori’s consciousness. She was all too familiar with thoughts that caused her pain, whether it was to her psyche or confidence. This unfamiliar pain was difficult to pin down and particularly unpleasant, however. It felt like a tourniquet tightening around her chest. It clung to her like mud on her shoes as the pair of cupids made their way through classrooms, serenading second and third years while Hitori handed out treats (to the best of her abilities).
“Oh, it’s Ms. Stage Diver. You’re pretty cute too!”
“thanks you too” Hitori practically spilled half the sack of candy on a random girl.
As the last song was played and the last pieces of candy (awkwardly) given out, the cupids made their way back to the practice room. There was a struggle within Hitori; a war between the knots in her gut and the unfamiliar pain in her chest and one was about to win, she just wasn’t sure which one. Hitori probably didn't care who would win at that point because she was on the verge of collapsing like an unfurled sack of potatoes.
Without even realizing it, they were finally back in the practice room. It was late morning so the sun still shone but only a singular, sliver of light found its way through the window. Kita looked like she was thoroughly enjoying herself while Hitori was grateful that she survived in one piece.
“That was really something!”
“Ah… ha ha… yeah….”
“Hito-”
“Um, Ki-”
“Wait, you go first.”
“N-no you go first”
Kita giggled, which was possibly enough to stop Hitori’s substantially weakened heart. “I insist, Hitori-chan.”
“Ah, s-sorry. I was just curious if you got any Valentine’s…” Hitori’s voice trailed off. That painful feeling in her chest won apparently. She wanted to kick herself for ruining her golden opportunity.
“Hm? I did.”
Hitori’s heart sank and the pain in her chest jumped ten fold. Never mind rejection. She wasn't even going to have the chance to confess. So much for plans. There weren’t any contingencies for this scenario.
"I did… but I refused them all. I don't think it would be nice for me to take them." Kita smiled wistfully and looked towards the window. A sigh escaped Kita's lips as she turned back to a confused Hitori with a nervous smile. "Oh, that reminds me! I think we forgot one more Valentine's day greeting."
Even more confusion set in for Hitori. "Huh? But we're all out of chocolates." She was sure she accounted for every box, even the ones she accidentally dumped on a random student. She looked in her sack, expecting to find a stray box but couldn't find any. "Are you sure we have one more, Kita-sa–?"
When Hitori looked up, Kita had her guitar on. The singular beam of light that came from the late morning sun shone on her like a spotlight. The bit of glitter in her wings refracted some of the light and it made her sparkle. She stood straight, steadfast. A slight blush on her face showed her determination. Enamored by the sight, Hitori had completely forgotten about the pain in her chest and the knots in her guts.
"Sorry, let me fix something real quick." Kita turned the knob for her low E string to tune it down. She cleared her throat and strummed the first chord.
Hitori followed each strum and each properly barred chord. She knew this song. It was a rock love song usually played with distortion, but hearing it with Kita's unplugged guitar made it have a strangely soothing quality. When Kita sang, there was a stillness in the air where not even the dust in the room dared to intrude her makeshift spotlight. Her voice was wispy, almost translucent, easily melding itself with the music. When the chorus was reached, her strumming became more confident, more deliberate and a quiet intensity rose from her voice. Her singing was clearer now, more concrete, enough for Hitori to hold each note and syllable for a moment before they escaped her tenuous grasp. There was beauty in the ephemeral moment that Hitori could never put into words no matter how hard she tried and it left her breathless.
Kita let the last chord ring and it evaporated into the stillness of the room. She bowed in a manner that made her wings look like they fluttered.
“Happy Valentine’s Day, Hitori-chan.” The sun was no longer there and despite the dim light, Kita’s brilliance shone through and her smile illuminated the room.
Hitori was speechless. Did Kita just… did Kita just confess to her in song?
“Oh, sorry I almost forgot.” Kita pulled a box from her bag and held it out to Hitori with both hands. Her face had become significantly red and with each second that passed that Hitori was unable to come up with a reply, Kita’s face became even redder. “I didn’t take any Valentine’s presents because I was hoping that you’d be my Valentine.”
Hitori was amazed at Kita and how she kept her composure despite the blatant embarrassment written all over her face. She reached out with both hands to accept the box. As she held on, she felt Kita trembling ever so slightly through her present. Hitori stared at the box of sweets, which was different from the dozens that she gave away earlier in the morning. Kita had a hand in making these.
“Thank you, Kita-san.” A smile welled up from Hitori, unlike the ones she forcefully puts up for photos. It came from deep within, possibly the remnants of all the angst that evaporated into the stillness of the air with Kita’s song.
Kita, on the other hand, was visibly flustered and Hitori realized that she hadn’t made a response to her confession yet.
“Ah! Um… uh… I….” Hitori was a bigger stuttering mess than usual. This was not in the plan. There was no script for this. Hitori wasn’t even sure where to start so she fired off the first thing that came to mind. “Y-y-you’re very pretty, Kita-san!”
Kita blinked. Hitori blinked likewise.
And the two burst into simultaneous laughter. It must have been relief or maybe despite all of her internal anguish, she didn’t realize that Kita also had feelings for her. As the laughter subsided, both girls smiled. Hitori didn’t realize it at the time but she managed to maintain eye contact with Kita.
“Thank you, Hitori-chan. Is that a yes?”
“Ah… y-yes! I’ll be… I’ll be y-your Valentine…” Hitori marveled at how Kita was able to deliver the line earlier. It sounded so easy and natural when Kita said it and yet so strange when it came from her lips.
Kita was overwhelmed with emotion and lunged at Hitori, forgetting that she still had her guitar on her. The result was an uncomfortable and awkward guitar sandwich. “Oh gosh, sorry!”
Giggles were exchanged as Kita set her guitar down. When all things awkward have been settled, Hitori sunk into Kita's arms (in awkward Hitori fashion–the wings weren't helping). An embrace from Kita wasn't uncommon and yet this particular one felt warmer and closer. She clung to Kita tightly, feeling her back as if she was grasping at a wide, warm ocean. She wanted to be immersed by it, to submerge and to explore. She buried her face on Kita's shoulder to hide her smiles from the world for she only wanted to give them to Kita.
"I like you, Kita-san. I like you a lot." Muffled and hushed, Hitori spilled her feelings directly to Kita's shoulder, hoping that she could deliver them directly to her heart.
"Me too, Hitori-chan." Kita's reply came in soft whispers close to Hitoris ear. Maybe, just like her, Kita didn't want anyone else to hear those words but Hitori. "I love you."
Hitori felt her chest squeeze after hearing those words. Her ears burned and her face must have been redder than Kita's hair. She shook her head, unsure how to respond to such a direct attack at her heart which drew giggles from Kita.
The chorus to Kita's song echoed in Hitori's head. Something about making this moment go on forever. She really did wish that with all her heart. She wanted to stay in this embrace forever, to be immersed in Kita's love, to be able to hold her and keep her close, to feel Kita's gentle breath on her cheeks. Maybe Kita felt the same way because she never let go of Hitori either. Everything was right at that moment and Hitori could feel the last remnants of her fears drift into the stillness of the air.
"I love you too...."
She managed to say it.