Work Text:
Jaem, salamat rin sa pagmamahal na hindi kayang mabura kahit pa ng isang kaha ng marlboro red.
You happened, then I was able to withstand the blues of each night not through a pack of nicotine anymore, but through your presence. And up until today, you still own the peace my mind barely has.
I thought of you too, not only today, but also yesterday, and all the days that have gone by. And for all the tomorrows to come, I’d still give you a thought.
I take detours every now and then because even if I am addicted to the thought of you, the pain of walking down the same street where we first bumped into each other costs too much.
It was an uninviting moment. It was where we got tangled invisibly.
You were on your way to class and I am on my way to skip it just to light up a stick. I wasn’t even trying to hide, but I felt the need to when I saw it was you who caught me.
Huling huli mo na agad ako, Jaem. Unang tagpo pa lang, nakuha mo na ako.
You caught me and you had that look on your face that says “You smoke too?” You didn’t ask, yet I still answered.
“E ano naman ngayon? Everyone does it.”
“I didn’t even say anything? Bakit ka defensive?”
Na Jaemin, if you only knew, you made me blurt out words and you didn’t even have to try.
You gave me a mind filled with you, and you only that there’s no space, not even a crevice for me to place thoughts of how downhearted I am in my soul.
You made me do things that I used to not.
I quit cigarettes because of you. I quit because you were higher than the high its nicotine can give me.
You took over every cigarette that I light up every downfall.
You took over every cigarette that made me feel alive not only to the furthest corners of my heart but also down to the deepest pits of my soul.
Lamang na lamang ka pagdating sa pagpaparamdam kung paano magkaroon ng haligi na kaya akong itahan at hawakan sa tuwing kahit upos ng sigarilyo ay hindi ako kayang sinagan ng kaalwanan.
The day after you caught me was the very same day I encountered enthusiasm. Not even the caffeine from the coffee we shared nor the nicotine that you watched me inhale could give me that.
It was only you. And even if hours, days, and months have passed, it was still always you.
“Masarap ba?”
“Oo, ikaw masarap”
“Lee Jeno hindot ka ba? Ang tanong ko masarap ba yang marlboro red?”
“It’s the feeling, not the taste”
But if it’s your lips, I’ll always mind what it tastes because you taste like a sweet dream I’ll always chase.
As I’ve said, it was always you. I’d always choose you on my lips instead of a lit-up cigarette.
Yung dating pulang baso na hawak-hawak ko kada gabing pinapalipas ko sa gitna ng makukulay na ilaw at masiglang hiyawan sa mga bar ay naging isa sa mga baso mula sayo kung saan nilalaman ang 3 in 1 na kape na nagpapatibok sa bawat saglit na magkasama tayo.
The dark cold nights that were warmed by smoking cigarettes were replaced by the nights I spent with you.
It was nice finding meaning in between our most random and nonsense chat. It was not only as if we are starring our own podcast show, it was also us being the stars of our own coming-of-age movie; only, we did not get the ending that we needed.
Ang bawat gabi na ikaw ang bumubuo ay isang umaga rin na kinakaya kong ibangon ang aking sarili.
“Gastos mo naman pare-pareho lang naman kape yan.”
“It’s not you who buys it for me, so shut up ka na lang. And if you haven’t tasted their blend on the cafe downstairs, you’re missing out.”
“I guess it’s the same with my smoking then? You don’t say anything about it because you haven’t tried, right?”
“Tama. It’s not my place to control you on that. Sino ba naman ako to stop you from something that makes you feel better.”
You’re right, you’re always serious the way I am deep in fear with the feelings building inside me. But still, I am in awe of you. Always.
Ikaw lang naman si Jaem na laging bumubulabog sa kabog at pintig ng puso at isipan ko.
Ikaw lang naman ang ginhawa sa kalagitnaan ng aking kawalan. Pero kahit pa, bakit may pagaalinlangan na galing mismo sa akin.
Ikaw yung sigurado, pero ako yung hindi pa buo.
It hurts me to think that I was never a “no” for you, yet you’re not a “yes” for me. You were right for me, but the way I love you is not the right way for you to be loved.
I quit smoking because you were higher than the high of nicotine, but not higher than my fear of committing to something as serious as you.
Patawad at hindi ako kasing tapang ng isang Marlboro Red para tangkaing pa na maging iyo.
Your existence once broke me off from smoking and now I am having the urge to do so again.
I saw you at the cafe and you still look tranquil as ever, I really wish you still are. I saw you and it made me want to smoke up a stick again because just like cigarette smoke, you clung to me.
Jaemin ikaw pa rin, ikaw pa rin ang laman ng isip ko at ako pa rin si Jeno na gustong maging sayo pero nanatitling nagmamahal sa maling paraan.
I loved the right person in the wrong way.
For a while, I have loved you. I loved you until I felt that you were just an addiction I stumbled upon when I wanted something to happen in my life.
Ang iyong bukas,
Lee Jeno