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They were at some nice little restaurant near their hotel, it was warm outside but Gideon could tell it was going to rain, the air felt fraught with tension. He looked at Nico who was sitting across from him staring down at his pasta dish with some contempt. It was partially his fault, but Nico was impossible.
Gideon took a sip of his wine and the sweet taste collected on his tongue, his eyes wandered around the restaurant as Nico tapped his fork against his plate. It drew Gideon’s gaze and his annoyance manifested in a frown.
He reached over and gently grabbed Nico’s wrist, curled his fingers over his skin and felt his pulse as it rapidly beat under his skin. Nico wasn’t nervous, he was upset and Gideon wanted to calm him down but he was the reason for the rabbit under his skin.
“Nicolas. We need to ta-” He started but Nico gazed up at him and it was fire. Gideon had never seen him so upset and all Gideon did was suggest a strategy, something he had done before, it wasn’t like he had never brought the idea to the table in their years of friendship.
It was just that this time there was more at risk than ever before. He squeezed his hand around Nico’s wrist and Nico jolted slightly. At this, Gideon took his hand away. He placed both hands back in his lap and tried his best to calm his racing heart.
He didn’t like fighting with Nico. It felt wrong to be at war with him. They were so rarely ever angry at each other. Usually all it took was a stupid joke or a smile or a touch of skin, but Gideon could tell that this would not blow over so quickly.
“What we need is for you to stop offering yourself up every time we need something or we’re in danger. I can’t have you just giving up like that.” His voice was low, because he was angry but they were still in public and they still had some decorum. Nico had been raised to never embarrass, to never show strong emotions in front of strangers.
Gideon on the other hand had grown up in dreams with a mother who stole people’s souls from their own bodies. He tried to keep his voice level. “I’m not giving up. I’m trying to be practical. Keeping us safe.” He hissed and leaned forward over the table.
He reached out a hand expecting Nico to meet him in the middle. Ever since they had arrived in Paris a little over a week ago something had been brewing between them. The weight of words unsaid, of stolen glances charged with meaning, of a brush of skin that felt almost electric. They had carefully danced around the words while also getting closer to each other. Gideon was sure they were about to catapult over the line.
But then they had received a call from Callum that Eilif had popped up in New York while they were sitting down for dinner and hell broke quietly loose. Nico had ended the call and put his phone back in his pocket in a motion that felt almost violent.
Gideon had immediately noticed the clench of his jaw and how he had gone from pleasantly relaxed to rigid and upset.
Gideon had an idea of what had happened but he let Nico spell it out. Nico spit out the words quietly, contempt in his voice. “Your mother showed up in New York looking for you. She needs you for a job, she can’t find you. She says it’s important and she might be in danger. Callum thinks she’s lying.”
Gideon had clenched his jaw and closed his eyes. “What if she’s not? What if she needs me, Nicky?”
Nico had reached forward and gripped his hand. “She doesn’t need you. She can find someone else. She’s not going to ruin our cover and you are for sure not going to go trailing after her.”
Gideon had been slightly offended at the idea that he was trailing after her and to Nico’s credit he looked apologetic at his choice of words. “Gideon. She’s just trying to lure you back in. She knows what you are capable of, she just wants to make things easier on herself. You’re not going.”
Gideon scoffed. “Do I have to remind you you’re not my keeper?”
Nico’s eyes widened and Gideon almost regretted the words. “And do I have to remind you that you have almost died because of her more than once?”
Gideon sat back in his chair to speak but before he could the waiter came by to take their order. Gideon wasn’t exceptionally hungry anymore.
And now here they were, Nico seething and Gideon trying to figure out how to keep himself from exploding, from saying the words that had been on the tip of his tongue for months.
“It’s my job to keep you safe, not the other way around.” Nico said which had always been his defense. Gideon hated the way he said it, like it wasn’t something he willingly did, it wasn’t fair. He knew Nico didn’t mean it.
“You know you can just stop, right? Let me take care of myself for once. The wards, the protections, keeping my mother from me…Eventually they will stop working, Nico.” It was, again, unfair.
But they had been unfair to each other a lot recently.
Life had been unfair. Libby interrupting what Gideon had been sure was their moment, when Gideon had almost pulled him in for a kiss. Then she fell into his arms and Nico had looked like she killed his cat.
They hadn’t had the opportunity to relive that moment, to even talk about what was simmering between them. Gideon knew Nico was turning it over and over in his head, that they were so close to giving in to whatever it was. But it seemed they could never get it right.
And now they were fighting in a restaurant. Now, Nico looked hurt and Gideon didn’t know how to fix it.
“Maybe I should just go deal with her. It’s putting people in harm's way, Nico. She could hurt your friends, she could hurt you. She is going to find us.” He clenched his fists in his lap as Nico rubbed his hands over his face and Gideon watched his eyes shine. “This is my problem, my mess. I know you think it’s yours to deal with, but it’s not. I can’t let you -”
Nico threw his napkin down on the table and stood up. The table shook with the force of it and everyone in the restaurant turned to look at him. Gideon just looked up at him as they stared each other down. He wouldn’t get embarrassed, he didn’t have it in him, but he was incredibly sad at the look on Nico’s face. They had had this fight before, but now it felt like drowning. He felt like he couldn’t breathe.
He watched Nico take a breath, take out his wallet, throw a number of bills on the table and then walk out. Gideon apologized to the scandalized waitress and followed him outside.
The moon was full and there was the smell of rain. Gideon knew soon it would pour. Nico stood out in the middle of the street, bare of people and cars because everyone was either inside eating or partying. They were the only two sad people in Paris.
He knew it wasn’t true, but that’s what it felt like.
“Nico, it’s going to rain, let's at least go home. Let’s talk about this.” He couldn’t stand this. There was an unbearable heaviness to his heart.
“No.” Was all Nico said and it pissed a part of Gideon off.
Gideon walked closer to him, not enough to reach out and touch him but enough so that he could clearly see the look in his eyes. Gideon had mistaken it for anger, but up close all he could make out was sorrow.
“One day, Nicky, one day, you are going to have to let it go. You are going to have to let me decide this. She’s never going to stop and you can’t keep me bubble wrapped forever.”
“And why not?” Nico practically screamed. “Why can’t I? Who says that I can’t do exactly that? If I need to, I will do whatever is necessary to keep you safe.” The rain started, a light drizzle and the chill of it made Gideon shiver.
He didn’t try to cover himself because he knew they weren’t moving from this spot, they were doing this now, even if it was a storm. Gideon felt it all the way in his chest, he felt the way his lungs gasped for air.
Nico’s breaths came out in huffs and he was quickly being soaked, his shirt clung to his chest and his hair was plastered across his forehead. He angrily pushed it off his head and back, Gideon wanted -
He wanted to catch Nico’s huffs in his mouth, he wanted to press his hands into his tight chest, he wanted to run his hands through his hair and never let go.
“Because.” Gideon’s voice rose. “Because I can’t let you. It isn’t fair, not to you.”
Nico stepped closer to him and he reached out like he wanted to grab Gideon by the arms, he clenched his hands at his side instead. “Does it look like I give a shit what’s fair to me?”
Gideon clenched the hair at the nape of his neck. “That’s what I mean, Nico. You don’t care about your life, you don’t seem to care about yourself. How do you think that makes me feel? Hm? Because guess what, even if you don’t care, I do.”
Nico shook his head and Gideon was glad for the rain because he felt a tear slip down his cheek. He wasn’t sure if Nico was crying but the rain made it look like he was, it was turning into a downpour. It would be hell walking back to their hotel. Gideon couldn’t seem to get himself to move.
Nico’s breath was heavy and labored, Gideon felt deja vu, like they had already had this conversation. Gideon had regretted saying that life didn’t matter if Nico wasn’t there in the first place, in their dream space. He had been so angry with himself, now he just knew it was the truth.
“Just tell me why, Nicky. Why do you keep doing this? You’re going to get yourself hurt.” He wanted to sob, he wanted to kick and scream. “What do you think that’ll do to me? If she hurts you, what do you think that’ll turn me into?”
A martyr. He’d wade into a dream realm and probably never wake up. He wouldn’t say it out loud, but he knew Nico could practically read his thoughts on his face.
He was so sad. Gideon hated himself just a bit for it. “You can’t expect me to let you protect me this way and then get angry with me when I try to do the same. It’s all I want, Nico, to keep you away from her and that world. It’s - I care about you too, you know.”
Nico nodded his head and looked at the ground. He had hurt him saying that, because of course Nico knew that, it was basically the cornerstone of their world. Nico cared about Gideon and Gideon cared about Nico.
Love and adoration and a begging need to make sure the other was safe and warm. Gideon didn’t need to say it, Nico knew, but for some reason Gideon always felt like Nico thought he cared more or that his caring had to manifest differently.
Nico had this asinine idea that Gideon just had to be there, just had to be alive for Nico to care. But he thought he himself had to be the knight in shining armor, that if he didn’t protect Gideon he wasn’t worth anything.
It was so far from the truth because Gideon had only ever needed Nico, had only ever needed him by his side.
Nico just stood there as they stared at each other, his arms were still down by his side and Gideon could see that his eyes were red. It was clear it wasn’t just rain on his cheeks.
Gideon was fighting back sobs by this point. He was fighting back every demon that wanted to encroach on his heart.
They stood in the middle of a thunderstorm, in the streets of Paris after enduring being attacked and hunted. But that hadn’t been the breaking point; Gideon loving Nico enough to risk himself had.
They were fighting in the middle of a downpour because Gideon loved Nico enough to kill himself over it and Nico loved him enough to not let him.
Gideon would think it was romantic if he wasn’t so fucking angry. Not at Nico, but at the world. Because he wasn’t angry at Nico, not really. He was frustrated and sad, because how could they move on? They kept having this fight, the words said over and over without anything breaking them up.
Gideon would never let Nico take this on alone and Nico would never stop trying to save him.
“Do you know that every time you tell me my mom has come to you, or everytime she talks about you I feel like the Earth slips beneath my feet, like my world is shattering?” He swallowed and threw his arms out and let them fall to his sides. “Do you know it makes me unable to breathe and I want to raise fucking hell? I can’t do it, Nico. I can’t watch you fucking kill yourself over and over.”
Around and around they went.
Gideon felt himself choke on a sob. “It feels like dying.”
Nico’s gaze shot up at that. Water dripped over his cheeks and Gideon’s blood boiled. Even with all the anger and rage and sorrow Gideon could not help but think how beautiful he was, how it just wasn’t fair. Nico was stunning and it wasn’t fucking fair.
Nico pointed at him, his arm rigid and sleeve soaked through. “What the fuck am I supposed to do, Gideon? That’s the real question.” It was like Gideon’s words pierced something in him, like he couldn’t take it.
Nico pressed his hand to his own heart. Gideon wanted to reach inside him and feel the warmth of it, he wanted to feel his pulse against his skin.
“If I lose you, what am I-” He sobbed and Gideon felt his knees almost buckle. He held himself up with sheer force of will.
He could see the tears now on Nico’s face as he continued. “I can’t, Gideon. You think it feels like dying, I think it feels like something worse. It’s hell, it’s purgatory waiting forever to touch you. Gideon -” He stepped closer to him and they were only a couple feet apart, enough to touch. His hands reached out like he was going to cup Gideon’s face, but they just hovered in the air.
“There’s no realm in this world that could contain my anger, that could hold the sorrow in my heart if you weren’t here, if you -” Gideon knew the words that should have come next and he knew that Nico couldn’t say them. Couldn’t even think of them.
It broke Gideon’s heart. Nico was constantly shattering him into pieces.
“Nico, this world is nothing without you.” He was seething, enraged by the reality of what they had to endure. Because Nico, his precious Nicolás was suffering, crushed under this weight, too heavy for any one man to carry, and all because of him. He didn’t think he could bear it for one second longer, how this world kept challenging their safety and putting them in the impossible position of having to protect each other. Even if that meant facing danger alone.
“I can protect myself, you know.” Gideon said, almost childish. As if the words he’d said just a moment ago weren’t supercharged with meaning, begging to be decoded and taken for what they were.
Nico huffed. “I fucking know that.” Circles and circles, when could they stop this merry go round? “That’s not the point.”
Gideon couldn’t take this much longer. He was shivering all over. It felt as if he’d just waded into the middle of the ocean. “What’s the point then, Nicky?”
Nico took a step closer to him.
They were almost touching, their chests heaving with breath. “The point is this.” Nico pointed to Gideon’s heart. “The point is I can’t let go, I can’t stop because if I do you will destroy yourself to help her. Because if I don’t keep her from you she will take away the one thing I lo-”
He stopped and Gideon’s whole world titled on its axis. Nico plowed through. “The one thing in the world that means the most to me.”
That wasn’t what he had wanted to say. Gideon stepped closer so their chests brushed. He couldn’t breathe, but his chest still rose, his heart still beat because the reason for his life stood in front of him. He couldn’t feel himself at that moment, all he could focus on was Nico.
“Don’t be a coward, Nicky. What?” Gideon needed him to say it out loud.
Nico pointed to himself and then to Gideon’s heart again. “She will take you from me and I can’t have that.”
Nico was practically on fire and Gideon wanted to hold him. It was such a stupid thought, but all he wanted was to pull him into his arms.
“Nico?” And it was like Nico couldn’t hold it in anymore.
His voice made Gideon’s heart beat with a chaotic rhythm. “Don’t you get it? I’m in love with you, you stupid little motherfuck, you idiot prince, you -”
Gideon didn’t let him finish. The rain came down in sheets, almost painfully cold. Gideon grabbed Nico by the shirt and pulled him in, their lips crashed together and for a moment it was perfect.
Then Nico pulled away and Gideon was worried he’d made a mistake, that everything had been something he imagined. Nico’s love for him, a blazing inferno, had been nothing but platonic, nothing but some need to protect.
Nico’s face lit up. He didn’t smile, but there was a tangible joy to him overflowing the space between them.
Nicky -” Nico’s eyes were wild and searching. Gideon didn’t move. He couldn’t release his grip on Nico.
And before he could say anything else Nico found his words. “I love you.” Gideon’s whole body shuddered. “I’m in love with you.”
Warmth spread through Gideon’s body. Nothing mattered anymore. Not their stupid fight or his mother or the war being waged. Only Nico’s words and his bounding heart.
Gideon was about to say it back when Nico grabbed him by the face and kissed him again, hard. His hands gripped his cheeks and Gideon’s clenched harder in his shirt. His mouth opened on a gasp and Nico didn’t waste any time before deepening their kiss.
One of Nico’s hands roamed up to clench in Gideon’s hair and Gideon released his shirt to throw his arms around his shoulders. He pressed closer and Nico wrapped him up in his arms.
They stood together, kissing, soaked to the bone, but with each kiss Gideon grew warmer and eventually he couldn’t feel anything but Nico’s hands and lips and his own pulse.
When they pulled away there was a smile on Nico’s face, small but sturdy and Gideon could not help but reciprocate. Nico’s hands resumed their place on his cheeks and pulled their foreheads together. He squeezed Nico’s shoulders and then placed his hands on his chest to steady himself. His whole body felt weak and ruined, but somehow alight with pleasure.
“You didn’t give me a chance to say it back.” Gideon whined and Nico huffed, in typical Nico fashion. He pulled back so they could actually look at each other.
Nico’s thumb brushed underneath Gideon’s eye and he followed it with a kiss. There was a spark to his eyes Gideon had never seen before. “Then say it, Sandman.”
Gideon rolled his eyes and brushed his thumb across Nico’s chest. He tilted his head to the side like he was thinking against it, like he had a big decision to make. “Gideon.” Nico’s slightly worried tone made him eager.
He pulled Nico in for a sweet kiss, just a press of lips. “You’re an idiot, you know.” Gideon kissed him again as Nico got more impatient. He found it adorable.
He pulled away so that he could look at Nico in all his glory, mad with want, drenched and beautiful. The rain felt like a cleanse. “I’m not sure love even comes close to what I feel.”
Nico sucked in a breath. “But, that's all I have. So Nico de Varona-” He smiled at Nico, at the way his eyes searched all over Gideon’s face. Gideon reached up and pushed the hair off of Nico’s forehead, his fondness overwhelming. “I’m in love with you.”
Nico pushed forward and kissed him again. In that moment, Gideon felt as if his chest had opened for Nico to crawl inside, rightfully claiming what belonged to him. His heart was wide open and exposed, but he never felt any safer than he did in Nico’s presence. This was no different.
He felt Nico’s arms wrap around his waist and then his feet were off the ground. He threw his head back and laughed as Nico pulled away and twirled him around.
They held each other in the middle of the street, in rainy Paris, and Nico made them dizzy with love.
Gideon’s laughter was louder than anything that night, but Nico’s smile was brighter than the stars.