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If you asked Steve, he'd say he's not a jealous guy. Not by any means, really. His ex-partners haven't really helped in any sort of way, but Josh always said that he was too trusting of them anyway- which may be true in a sense, but, well. They're a touchy-feely team on a good day, so Steve figures he can't be blamed all that much.
Not that Steve wants to be taking cues from Josh anyway, because the guy has a literal strand of Mitch's hair in a safe somewhere locked away to preserve his untainted DNA or something, and Steve is normal, thanks.
So he maintains his chill-not-jealous-super-trustful-partner image without too many blips.
It's always easy with Marn because, like aforementioned, Marn is a touchy-feely guy with everyone. It's the way that quality is expressed with different people that prevents Steve from ever needing to pay too much attention to it.
Like, with most acquaintances, Marn will give them a bro-clap-into-bro-hug.
With some of the guys from the QLD squad, he'll smack their butt playfully and ruffle their hair for a wicket or runs.
The guys who are on his teams get pretty similar treatment. The special ones get a few extra hugs, maybe a little more quality time- or a memorised personal coffee order.
But Steve, well, he knows he's special. Marn made it a point to make him understand and accept that. Marn isn't "cool" about it, and he doesn't "act chill" or play hard to get. He loves, and he loves aggressively, holds Steve for long moments, flashes carefully curated hand signals at him from across the pitch, brushes their noses together, bites his earlobe, wraps himself around Steve's middle and squeezes, hooks an arm over his shoulder and says to him you paced your innings so well today, grins and then ducks out of the way when Steve tries to swat at him because there are mics on us Marn oh my god-
So someone explain why, this random guy, on debut as a spin bowler, with the same hair colour as Steve- why did he suddenly get the hug Steve's been craving for hours? For a random caught and bowled? (Okay, so he acknowledges maybe he's being a little delusional. It's not like... it's not like T-... there's no way Marn would ch-)
The relief from having India a wicket down is immediately bulldozed and steamrolled by angry uncomfortable ... discomfort? Is that it? Crawling up his oesophagus and lodging itself around the back of his throat like a boa constrictor. However distantly, he does recognise that he is on camera, and should probably look a little more pleased that... Virat? Rohit? He squints at the scoreboard... oh, Rahul, is out, but honestly, he's trying to make sure he doesn't look utterly displeased instead.
Marn looks up at him, puppy-eyed and always just so enthusiastic about everyone and everything, and Steve smiles. He's cool. He's chill. He's not jealous and super trustful, and he would never get possessive over something so dumb- Steve, it's literally just George, what the fuck do you think is happening, stop being so delusional, we're going out for a drink, let me live a little-
He won't be stifling. He really won't. It's not for him to decide who Marn gets to congratulate or hug or love or lust after-
Steve very calmly and very briefly pats Murphy's shoulder and heads back to his position at first slip. Marn looks after him, confused, but he's too far away to notice. Five overs to go. Just five overs. That's all. Then everything will go back to normal.
-
It's not just five overs. It's the ride back to the hotel, trying to bring himself to rest his head on Marn's shoulder and not being able to get himself to. It's the elevator, squished up close so they can all fit, but it feeling so so wrong that he faces away from Marn and looks up just enough that he doesn't have to meet anyone's eyes. It's the awkward silence in the hotel room, stifling and eerie rather than the usual comforting and domestic. No white noise of their shared love, just silence. Steve has always longed for quiet, but this feels wrong.
They haven't pushed their beds together yet. Steve doesn't know if they will. It'll be the first time they've ever shared a room and not slept side by side in a long time. In- in months. He knows, he knows he's blowing it out of proportion, and he's doing it again, being jealous being paranoid being suspicious and mistrustful, but he has to just-
"Are you going to leave me for him?" He immediately regrets opening his mouth. Marnus looks angry.
"What. The fuck."
"What suddenly he's all you see, holding onto him in the middle of the wicket like he's just won us an Ashes series or something."
"I'm allowed to congratulate a teammate on his first-ever wicket in international test cricket, Steve. I haven't done anything wrong here. Why are you acting like this?"
Now that he's started, it feels like he can't stop. "Is it because he's taller? More tan? Fitter? On debut? He played well today, and I didn't? You're done with me?" The expression on Marnus' face, shocked, confused, and pained- Steve just wants to take it all back. Has to take it all back because- "Sorry, sorry, I'm sorry, I'm not jealous, I promise, it wasn't, I was just, I won't be- you're allowed to have your own life and-"
Marnus steps around him, uses one of his arms to tug Steve back against his chest, holds him there tight.
The pressure against his sternum feels good, grounding, and he feels the way Marnus' lungs inflate against his back, prompting his body to do the same. The high-strung tension that's been shaking through every nerve fibre for the past three hours snaps, and he collapses into his boyfriend's hold, confident that even if this is the last time he's going to have Marn like this to himself, that the younger won't let him fall.
Carefully, he feels his body being manoeuvred backwards, downwards, until he's seated on the floor, back and head resting against a steady beat he can feel against his tender skin.
"You're okay."
He won't cry. He's trained himself out of the jealous tears.
"You're okay, and you don't need to apologise. You haven't done anything wrong."
"I have. I did. Jealousy is wrong, and I said-"
"You said what you were feeling. No emotion is wrong, Steve, you felt it for a reason, and I need you to know it is okay." He feels Marn's thumb swipe over his cheekbone, smearing a damp streak across the skin. So much for that. "But I also need you to talk to me about it. Without insinuating that I'm leaving you and without trying to anger me into it. Talk to me, Steve. I'm not Tim."
If he wasn't halfway to hysteria, Steve would probably be so proud. Communication, his mom used to tell him, that's the key to every part of every relationship. Through words or through touch, you have to communicate.
So he does the only thing he can think of: turns himself around in Marn's arms, grips his shirt tight in his fist, and kisses him like he's afraid he'll never get to again. When they part, breathing a little heavier than before, he grits out a quiet, ashamed, "I'm jealous."
Marn rests his palms over Steve's lower back, comforting and gentle and a sign that he's staying, and asks quietly into the space between them, "why?"
And what is Steve supposed to say to that? Oh yeah, you hugged this guy for two seconds, and everything inside me twisted up like a thorned hurricane?
"Yes. That's exactly what you're supposed to say if that's how you felt."
Ah.
"Steve. Why did you ask if I was done with you?"
Well. "Because you held him the way you usually hold me. And I just. You haven't... held me like that today." He gets quieter as he trails off.
Marnus looks to his left and gestures with his head for Steve to glance over. There's a mirror, floor to ceiling, on a sliding wardrobe door. It's not the cleanest in the world, and the little scuff mark in the corner irks him, but he looks. "I held him like this?" Marn asks.
Steve shakes his head. "No. Not really."
"Show me how, then."
"I- what?"
"Show me what it looked like, to you. I want to understand."
And so, Steve moves them around. Stands up on shaky legs, and holds his hands out to pull Marn up after he's decided he can stand without the imminent threat of collapse. Stands face to face, and puts his boyfriend's arms around his chest, but under his own arms, just like- just like- he blinks his eyes.
"It's okay. We're okay." Marnus doesn't move his hands. "Look, baby." And Steve does. And. It looks... different. "Is this how I hold you?" Steve tries to put one arm over Marn's shoulder like he saw, but it still doesn't look like-
"Oh."
Slowly, Marnus untangles their limbs, steps closer, puts his arms around Steve's waist and tugs him forward, so close their noses almost touch. "Look now?"
But Marn doesn't really have to ask him to. Because Steve knows this feeling like he knows the form of a cover drive. So used to it, even though it's only been a few months. He feels loved.
"Thank you."
Marn kisses his forehead. "Always."