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Harry woke up with a start. He couldn't even sleep for a whole night - pathetic, he thought.
It wasn't surprising, considering how he has memories that can keep up most people at night.
But it wasn't that falling asleep was the problem – it was staying asleep.
From time to time, he would dream about the usual silly stuff, and most of the time he would relive some of his memories. Sometimes silly dreams would turn into awful nasty stuff. Also since the beginning of summer, all of his dreams would end pretty much the same – the dark corridor and the door he wants to open so badly.
Harry looked at his side and saw Ron snoring like a chainsaw. Some would have found it annoying, but Harry was used to it already since he and Ron shared a room all the time, whether in Gryffindor dorm or the Burrow or Grimmauld Place. He had been comforted quite often by his best friend sleeping soundly next to him. Ron would never know that, of course. Especially now that Harry’s only reason to be near him was sleeping. Which he doubted now was the best idea.
Harry decided he wouldn’t try to sleep any more that night. He would have plenty of time to do so when everyone was minding their business in the daytime. He was more than okay to not come across any other Weasleys or the Order members whom Harry was sure were coming by during the day. It wasn’t wise to fall asleep around so many people when he could attack them in his sleep.
The trip to St. Mungo took a lot from him and he had refused to come downstairs even at the meal times – which meant Harry was starving. He swung his legs through the bed and headed for the kitchen, being extra careful not making a noise and wake others up.
He crossed the dark halls and made it to the first floor. He opened the door as he tried not to scream – there was someone in the kitchen already. Sirius.
“Sorry,” Sirius said as he saw Harry flinching hard in surprise, “Didn’t mean to startle you,” and continued searching through different cupboards and putting two bowls on the kitchen counter.
Harry thought between going back to his room or staying in the kitchen for a bit then decided to enter the kitchen fully when he heard Sirius quietly calling him to sit with him. (“You don’t have to, of course,” Sirius also added.)
Harry sit at a chair and asked, “What are you doing here?”
Sirius eyed him carefully before he answered, “Doing the same thing as you, I suppose, getting food,” he went for the fridge this time and put out a small pot.
“Oh, I was only going to get some water,” Harry said quickly. He wasn’t sure why he lied to Sirius. He had felt like he had to defend himself for some reason even though he knew Sirius wasn’t even going to get mad at him.
Sirius stopped his way through carrying two bowls from the counter to the table.
“Harry, I haven’t seen you eat much since you arrived here, please let me do this for you,”
Harry complied with Sirius and accepted the bowl he gave him. Sirius reheated what was probably the leftover soup from dinner with a silent spell. Harry mumbled a quiet ‘Thanks’
“Are you okay, Harry? I didn’t see you much,”
Harry moved a bit on his chair, “Sure, why wouldn’t I be?”
“Just wanted to ask, you know,” Sirius said after his filled his mouth, "As I said, I haven’t seen you a lot and now you show up in the kitchen in the middle of the night,”
Harry got a little annoyed at this. Why would Sirius need to see him every minute of the day? Wasn’t it enough that he was in the same house with him? He was going to get him and the others in the house killed and they were still not grateful that Harry was trying to get away from them.
“Are you sleeping well?” Sirius asked with a worried look. Harry could understand why. If he looked like how he felt, then he was probably looking disastrous.
“Everything’s fine,”
“Okay, okay,” said Sirius, totally not believing him.
“So, care to explain why you are hiding?” Sirius asked before taking a mouthful of soup.
“I’m not hiding!”
“Yeah, right,” Sirius stated, “I spent a lot of time ‘not hiding’ up there,”
They silently continued eating. Harry was barely holding himself from downing a bowl of soup at once. He looked at Sirius and saw his expression. Harry couldn’t quite understand what it meant but he assumed it was some sort of disappointment. Was he angry at Harry? Now that all he does was skulk away from him, it was possible. Or was he concerned? It was hard not to be.
“Sirius...” Harry said and Sirius raised his head from the bowl. He raised his eyebrows as Harry asked, “Are you- are you angry?”
Sirius’ eyes widened, “No, Harry, why would you think that?”
Harry didn’t answer, instead, he just stirred what was left of his soup, all his appetite gone. He heard Sirius get up and get right opposite of him and crouched.
“Tell me, why are you upset?” Sirius spoke gently. It was difficult to ignore him while he was holding his gaze with determination.
When Harry didn’t answer again, Sirius put his hand on Harry’s shoulder.
Harry mumbled something Sirius couldn’t catch.
“Harry, what-”
“It’s okay, Sirius,” Harry responded but he wasn’t sure of that himself. He wanted to tell Sirius about everything. Him being the snake, everyone thinking he is problemed, people not believing him, even Dumbledore ignoring him, his visions of Voldemort, and even his detentions with Umbridge. With Sirius looking so sincere in helping him, Harry found it hard to restrain. He should have kept his mouth shut, though, ‘Sirius already must have a lot on his plate’ Harry thought, “It’s nothing,” he said again trying to convince both himself and Sirius.
“It doesn’t look like nothing. I’m worried about why you are hiding and-”
“I’m not hiding!” Harry snapped again. He was trying to protect them and Sirius had the audacity to tell him he is hiding.
“Then tell me, Harry, what are you trying to accomplish; not talking or responding to any of us, or not even showing up at the meal times?” Sirius talked back but he didn’t look or sound angry – just concerned. And this made Harry even more loyal to his goal of not telling Sirius of his struggles.
Sirius observed Harry’s face once more and got up and wrapped his arms around Harry. Even though he was sitting and it couldn’t count as a full hug, it felt too much for Harry to bear. He sighed deeply, trying to ignore the lump in his throat.
“Sirius... I – I don’t know what to do,” words slipped out from his mouth before he realized, “So much is going on and I... I can’t even be any help to anything. I’m only making things worse.”
“You- you said that I was wrong about this but... What If Voldemort’s really possessing me? I’ve already revealed too much... I-”
“Harry,” Sirius said, pulling away from the half hug. “We would understand it If that happened. And I’m promising you to never let that happen. Voldemort won’t get to you,
Harry, I’ll make sure of it even If it kills me.”
“Don’t say that,” Harry stared at him with his bloodshot eyes containing fear.
“But it’s the truth. I said it and I’ll say it again. I will-”
“STOP!” Harry exclaimed louder than he would prefer considering it was late at night but it didn’t matter right now, “THAT’S THE PROBLEM!”
Sirius looked puzzled, “What-”
“I don’t want you to die for me! I don’t want you to try to keep me safe! Can’t you see it only causes trouble? It would be best for you to stay away from me,” said Harry, his voice becoming a whisper as he spoke. He put his head in his hands and took shaky breaths.
For a moment, the only sound in the house was Harry catching his breath. Then Sirius spoke in a way that mirrors Harry’s whispering.
“I will take care of you until I am not able to. Understand? You are not a bother for me, Harry,” he paused and added, “The only time I’m annoyed at you is when you decide not to come to me when you have trouble. I don’t want to stay away from you,”
Harry swiped the wetness on his eyes with his hand. He choked back a sob.
Sirius got him a glass of water and Harry thanked him in his mind since he didn’t trust his voice. The water helped the lump in his throat but he still didn’t say anything.
“Come on,” said Sirius warmly, “You need to sleep,” as he cleaned the table with a flick of his wand.
Harry got up but didn’t look at Sirius in an attempt to hide his flushed face.
Sirius moved Harry towards the stairs but Harry stopped suddenly.
“I don’t want to sleep,” he said, “Can’t we just stay here?”
Sirius looked at his godson’s face again and he put on a smile.
“Sure, pup. Whatever you say,”
Harry thought, again, he was really lucky to have Sirius.