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"You just have to say so."
Those words were ringing in her head like a loud bell over and over again. She could say so. It wouldn't have been so bad right? The world was already going to shit. What difference would it have made if two more people disappeared?
Two members of the special operations squad. One of them being the attack titan...
"...No." She whispered to herself. It would be selfish, what about their team? What about their friends? What about Armin?
"Mikasa! I caught our dinner!" He sounded happy. Impressed with himself and his efforts.
"Eren!" She managed to squeeze out. It was suddenly clear to her that the sun had risen. That is was morning. And she got to spend this day too alone with him. She moved towards the kitchen and sat down at the island as the other moved about. "What did you catch?"
To which he turned around and looked at her, "a fish." He gave her a forced subdued look. But his lips were already quirking to a smile. He didn't know what that fish was called, and once she had seen it she knew that she didn't either. It was big enough for them both.
"A fish." She echoed after.
"A big one."
"Massive." A giggle sprung.
She could just say so and they could spend forever talking about how big fish could be. They could spend forever having stupid conversations. Living off the land.
Having him with her like this.
She could choose this path.
The path where he slides a warm plate of food towards her with the routine nervous smile like an apprentice chef awaiting critique. Where he curses finally remembering to grab two glasses to go along with their jug of juice or water.
Where he seats himself adjacent to her and presses his leg to hers. Then they have breakfast. A calm one, without her worrying about dirtying her uniform. About rations. About a meeting.
About his safety.
Mikasa blinked hard as Eren's thumb swiped at the corner of her mouth. "You just have to say so." Her breath caught. His eyes seemed brighter now that she'd found the chance too look at them properly.
She hadnt seen them like that in forever. If anything she couldn't remember seeing them like that. His eyes concentrated on her like that, as he'd been cleaning her up- "what about our friends?"
What about Armin who we fought so hard to save? "It won't be right to leave him."
Their eyes locked, it felt almost like looking into the eyes of Carla Jaeger. "He didn't wish to come. He said..." his eyebrows furrowed. "He said his path was chosen for him."
"And yours?" Mikasa asked him.
He looked troubled. His eyes finally fell to the table, his voice rasped as he spoke. "With the future I imagine... my choices are very limited. And this place," his eyes looked around the cabin. Taking in his creat. "This cabin, and you..." He gave a smile, "this is my only good one. Here I get to live for as long as you wish me to."
Mikasa blinked. Of course. Tears started burning at her eyes. How dare she forget? Their mortality was real and obvious, but she had forgotten that he was running out of time faster than anyone. Him and- "Eren..."
"We can go back by the end of the week-"
She had to grab him. She did. And pulled him close, until they were nose to nose. With nothing to look at but at each other. "Eren ..." she was grappling for words. What could she say? What could she say where they would both be doing the right thing and be happy? "What's the right thing to do?"
She almost startled at the feel of his hands, one cupping her cheek while the other brushed her hair away from her face. "We've had nothing to do but the right thing." the darkness seemed to come back, rolling in like an impatient storm cloud. "Choose what's right for you."
"I'm worried about guilt. I see two choices and they both are-"
"Which would you be able to forgive?" she blinked at his interjection. Her comrades... All those people she swore to protect. She had her duty, her oaths a badge she wore more than she didn't. Her Eren... who would be with her until his end. In this life and their old one.
"Let us stay another fortnight, and hopefully..." she seeked for his scarf to cover her face. It wasn't there, strangely she hadn't missed it until then. "hopefully, I will choose what is right for us."
She was lying, she had chosen already. But she hoped she would change her mind. The following days went with the same kind of ease, a great meal in the morning. An assortment of fruits to enjoy. Their feet in the lake and then the sunset from the veranda of their cabin. She'd wake up to him again, to find him awake too and would laugh at this, if felt like paradise. If felt like what she had hoped adulthood would look like. Mundane in everything, and serene so serene she wouldn't care about the repetitiveness of their days there.
One evening Eren had taken a hold of her hand and pulled out of her chair to dance. When she couldn't think of anything he held her, in that moment she felt so secure. To have him hold her close like that, to rest her forehead on his shoulder. As he hummed to fill the absence of music. They had swayed to his melody, bathed in the unique light of the sun as it left to illuminate other parts of the world.
The next morning a bird had dropped into her lap after flying into the window. If anything it had barely left the nest, still a baby. She'd held it in her hands, helpless. When Eren had come he'd been just as helpless, someone would have known what to do she realised. They could have gone to their neighbours, but they hadn't any. A doctor, a farmer, none of that. It was clear that they had grown up in the city, inside the walls where they would greet another as soon as they stepped outside of the door. This isolation... It made her feel helpless. But they had tried their best then, with some twigs and a strip of cloth they tried to treat the little bird. Mikasa sighed when it seemed not to suffer from the pain as much as it did. She hoped they hadn't done too much damage, for Eren who was doctor's son wasn't as much help as she would have hoped. As anyone would have hoped.
Two nights later, however, as she laid beside him in the dark she had whispered his name and brushed his hair from his face. "I don't think I will ever know what's right for us." she'd whispered after squeezing her eyes shut. She only knew what was the right thing to do, where she wouldn't be haunted by her guilt. She new she'd be plagued by longing instead. For the days and nights she would leave here, some how it seemed better than to be guilty. It wasn't by a long shot but her chest felt lighter knowing she would stand by her comrades in that time of war than to have the peace they may never experience in their life time.
When his hand had gripped her own she realised that this cabin, would be like a shining light to whatever darkness the were returning to. In the dark, as she opened her eyes once more she committed herself to creating like pockets of peace like this one while they served they way they had been all their youth. She would find the quaint moments on the veranda somewhere in Shinganshina, the impressive breakfasts... They may have a pet if they are able to, like the little bird. They would dance to music, they would lie next to one another like this at night, or during the day, it wouldn't matter because those would be their little moments of peace until his time.
She would outlive him, but those moments, much like this one would be with her forever. "I understand, Mikasa." Tears burnt her eyes and her throat constricted, "you should sleep."
And his lips touched her forehead as she shut her eyes.
She didn't thunk that she would ever forgive herself for betraying her heart like this. She didn't think show would forgive herself if she stayed either. And it wad that knowledge, knowing she'd chosen yearning over guilt, that set loose tears through her shut lids onto her pillow.