Chapter Text
First loss
Lampo sat to the side, shaking with fear trying to hold himself together with thin hands. Ugetsu had one hand rested on his shoulder, his other clenched painfully over the hilt of his katana. Knuckle was long since lost in the crowd to help with the burials and lead the souls to their rightful place. And as he sat back and tightened the tattered remains of his shirt over his still bleeding wounds, G scanned the area for his old friend.
And he found him, standing at the edge of the crowd and overlooking the bloody sunset. And for once he looked tired and worn out from it all and fragile and almost broken and his frame was hidden in the mantle like a child escaping from the world and his head was bowed so that sun kissed tresses hid his face.
And as G struggled to stand up and once again thought through all the casualties of their last struggle, he realized that a victory like this was nothing short of a complete loss for them.
First breakdown
"What are we doing?"
Red eyes rose from the papers he had been reading and explored the darkened orbs of his friend. G wasn't surprised to see the other's shoulders slumped, fingers running through unruly tresses, face distorted in anguish and broken hope, tears pooling under tightly clasped eyelashes. He had been expecting this ever since that first kill. Ever since this crazy idea even bloomed in Giotto's mind.
He had known that one day the high expectations for his Vongola would crumble and within the ruins he'd see the tremendously powerful evil they had created. He had known and he had prepared a million words for this one day, not ones of sympathy but scolding and accusing, harsh words, words of lacking consistency and responsibility.
Yet as he sat there across from his friend and as he saw him pulling at his hair and bowing his head helplessly, as he noticed his body shaking with suppressed sobs and the pain of his broken dreams, he found all of those words meaningless and empty and he wanted nothing but to throw the Vongola they had created to the ground and stomp on it and crush it in the dirt and forget all of it ever existed.
And he reached forward and he took those hands and the tear streaked face turned to look at him and he clenched the fingers he held onto and whispered:
"Let's stop."
First realization
And it was only minutes after that first breakdown that Giotto called his remaining guardians and announced his decision to them sitting behind his desk with the ear of determination heavy around him.
And it was only at that moment that G realized that he was the only one allowed to see that breakdown and that his friend would not ask for the rest before he was done crying and collected and calm and capable of presenting himself with that same certainty that he always had.
And it was strange as the Storm thought back to his own breakdown that had been buried years back into their past and he felt a strange kind of warmth spread thought his chest as he remembered the trust one must feel to show such weakness to another.
And even as Ugetsu stammered in shock and Knuckle screamed and Lampo whined and Alaude stood back and Spade chuckled –the asshole had the nerve to chuckle, oh how G wanted to shoot him right then and there- he found himself unable to suppress the small smile so different from his usual smirks. And then unexpectedly sunrise colored eyes fell on his and filled with understanding and he was rewarded a heartwarming smile back and he knew that even if they had to circle the world and leave their life behind, he wouldn't mind as long as he was on his friend's side.
First betrayal
It was hard and painful and there was the promised 'I told you so', but G still hurt as much as his friend for being unable to prevent it and he still stood hidden in the shadows of the cabin and watched Giotto sit quietly in the seat next to the hatch and breathe in the salty air. And in his mind he counted all of those who had followed their Primo and simultaneously rejoiced and mourned over the one who hadn't.
And even as all of them were scattered around the big ship, separated and uncertain of what tomorrow might hold for them in that distant and unfamiliar land –because it couldn't be all smiles and long hair and flutes and katanas like Ugetsu- and as they looked back upon happy memories of a Family that meant more than life itself, he knew that no warnings and preparations could have them ready for what had happened.
And no 'I told you so's were going to do anything anymore. And with no place and no home to go back to, they would have to struggle once more and hope that this time they will not be running head first into a solid wall like they had done once. So he turned one tired eye towards his friend's sorrowful frame and then threw himself onto the bed, wanting nothing more but to finally drop anchor and set foot on solid ground, because this waiting was eating at him as much as it was at all of them and he couldn't stand it.
First change
"Sawada Ieyasu," G repeated, gaze unmoving from his friend's sunset light eyes. The name sounded strange, foreign and it felt and tasted wrong on his lips. It was one that spoke in the language of a country they had just stepped on, one that was heavy with undiscovered culture and a distant moral they had no grasp of. It was the name of a stranger.
Not the name of his friend.
"Sawada Ieyasu," he repeated and ran a hand through his hair. He spilled the syllables one after the other, slowly, carefully, trying to get used to it, trying to find the familiarity, the warmth, trying to find Giotto in it and it was just wrong and distant and unfamiliar and nothing he could ever relate to his friend.
So he repeated it time and time again, trying to shape the name and get used to it, trying to chase away his accent and speak it as easily as Ugetsu did. He repeated it over and over and over and struggled to find the one connection that would help him understand and accept and acknowledge.
And then, suddenly, it came to him, It was as fast as a bullet and it crashed into his mind and sent everything into order.
'Ie', he remembered vaguely from one of his old studying sessions with Ugetsu, meant 'home' in this unfamiliar tongue. And home was warm and inviting and a place to return to, Giotto was all home had ever been to him.
And he looked up into those eyes and that smile -that was finally starting to reappear and he was so so so glad Gi- Ieyasu was getting over it- and he found the hint of understanding and the flash of amusement written in the sky deep orbs, and finally, G understood and accepted.
First happiness
He chewed on the end of his unlit cigar and wondered whether he should really try and stop smoking now that he had an actual reason. It was a reason for all of them to be cautious in many ways, yet it was one that filled his heart with happiness.
It was amazing how such a little thing could do.
Everyone moved slowly and quietly around him, even Knuckle didn't raise his voice above a whisper and he wished for it to be blessed by god. Even Lampo moved quietly and looked tamed as he murmured something about finding real love. And even when Alaude appeared, -actually appeared- quietasaghost and murmured a 'Grow strong' over the small bundle and disappeared in the same manner. And even after his wish for happiness, Ugetsu rose gracefully to his feet and moved back silently.
G's eyes fell on the two sleeping figures. She looked pale and exhausted but happy, so very happy, in her sleep. He looked fragile and breakable but safe and content and how else could a newborn look in the hands of its father?
And red eyes rose from the bundle and locked with sky deep orange orbs and smiles cracked on both the faces and he pushed the unlit smoke in his pocket and moved the couple of feet until he was kneeling before his sitting friend. And he bent down and ran a hand lightly over the baby's short hair and laid a tender kiss on its forehead before looking over it for a moment and then spoke, in soft hardly audible words, what both he and Ieyasu wished with both their hearts.
"May you never step foot into that world."
And from the corner of his eyes he watched his friend's face for even the slightest flash of pain or hurt or betrayal, but there was none. And he looked up to eyes hardened with determination and orange flames licking at them as Ieyasu spoke a definite "He won't" and they both believed it.
First death
The life of the Mafia was one they could not escape and G knew it, had known it ever since he was ten years old and running away from his Famiglia, yet he still tried again and again until no hope was left to push him forward and no life to aim towards.
So even as all hell broke loose in Japan long after their retirement, he had been prepared and ready to pull the trigger again, to stretch the bow string and to fight for their freedom all over.
Yet ever since he was a small child, crying from the pain brought by the symbol of those chains forced on him, he had known there was no running away and that he would lose his life trying. Yet as he lay there in a puddle of his own blood no longer feeling the pain in his chest, no longer hearing the cries of his friends, no longer tasting the iron and the bile on his tongue, he didn't regret one moment of his run.
So he just let himself be swept off the dirt he lay in and opened his eyes and heart and soul towards the overseeing sky and let it embrace him with its might and glory and knew that his death would not be in vain if it let his Sky push on even a little further down the road to happiness.