Chapter Text
“Ah, fuck.”
Theon’s body felt like it had been rammed by a semi and someone tried to perform an unsuccessful lobotomy on him. Hangovers were probably the worst offender of the morning after…shit; Theon couldn’t even really remember what had happened last night…or really all of yesterday. Actually, the past three days felt like a blur. All because of Robb.
Theon shook his head quickly and sat up. No Robb. Robb was bad and this was all Robb’s fault. Robb, Robb, Robb.
Theon grabbed a half full liquor bottle before him and drank. Washing out the taste of Robb’s name. It was nice, letting the alcohol muddle his brain further. It vaguely reminded him of something but he couldn’t remember what.
“Do you really start every morning with a drink?”
Theon looked over to the sound of the voice guilty and fearful. He hadn’t realized there was someone else in his apartment. What did he do last night?
Theon met Tyrion Lannister’s eyes and felt himself instantly calm. Okay, that wasn’t so bad. Tyrion was a great bloke. They drank together often. Although, the half man was carrying around one of Theon’s closely guarded secrets…
“You have work today; it would be in your best interest not to drink.” Tyrion stood up and stretched his back.
“What happened?” Theon asked as he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. “I don’t remember much.”
“It’d be a miracle if you did.” Tyrion chuckled. “Jaime happened.”
“Who?” Theon frowned.
Tyrion only pointed to the floor where a lanky blonde man laid passed out. Fear struck Theon hard as he stared at him.
“Oh gods…I didn’t…we didn’t?” Theon was muttered and Tyrion let him squirm for a bit. “I’m not gay…oh gods. I wouldn’t do that! I couldn’t have…I’d only…Robb…No.”
Tyrion sighed, breaking the rambling boy. “You didn’t, I think. Got hitched, but didn’t have much of a honeymoon.”
“What?” Theon blanched.
“You two were pronounced Wingmen for Life.” Tyrion smirked.
“Excuse me?”
“I’d rather not going into depth about how both your wasted minds work and sync up.”
Theon was utterly confused and still deeply worried. “So we didn’t do anything?”
“Besides drink together? No.” Tyrion shook his head.
“Oh thank gods.” Theon sounded very much revealed. “I couldn’t do that with another man.”
“Except Robb.” Tyrion added.
Theon blushed and shrugged. “He is an exception. I’m not gay from it.”
“Of course not.” Tyrion reassured and decided that he would leave the conversation of Theon’s sexuality to someone else. Preferably Robb Stark himself.
“What do you mean we got married?”
“You insisted I preform a marriage ceremony between the two of you so you both could be Wingmen for Life in Holy Bro-trimony.”
“Please tell me I didn’t say those words.”
“Oh, on more than one occasion.” Tyrion smiled grimly. “Really, it amazes me how your twisted little mind works.”
“Will you just shut the fuck up, Tyrion?” A new voice had entered the fray and Theon could only assume it belonged to Jaime.
He watched as the lanky blond man sat up and threw Tyrion a glare that could rival Theon’s own signature glare. Jaime turned and stared at Theon next.
“Who the fuck are you?” Jaime grumbled as he stood up slowly.
“The guy who owns this fucking apartment.” Theon snapped defensively.
“And your new…what’s the word you used last night?” Tyrion frowned. “Brover? No, Jaime was right. Wingman is better.”
“What?” Jaime blinked confused.
“Do I have to fucking hear this shit again?” Theon hissed as he stood up and popped his shoulders irritated.
“Why don’t we discuss it over breakfast?” Tyrion asked. “My treat. I think it goes best with steak and eggs.”
“Waffles.” Jaime murmured as he rubbed his face.
“Waffles too.” Tyrion sighed.
--
Tyrion dragged the two hungover sloths to a seedy diner not far from the office. Both were looked much better now that they were awake and wearing fresher clothing. Jaime had to ultimately borrow a t-shirt from Theon that was a size too small, but Jaime had clothing at work that he could remedy that easy enough.
After they ordered their meals, both Jaime and Theon stared at Tyrion expectantly. Tyrion took a healthy sip of his coffee.
“So, I’ll start from the beginning.” Tyrion sighed. “Bear with me. So, I think before we can talk about the events that transpired last night, we need to discuss how we got ourselves into this messy situation, hmm? Basically, you two are both idiots in your romantic lives and rather than face your problems head on, you rather sulk and drink. And drink you did, I’m rather impressed, Jaime. Theon can pack quite a bit and you managed to keep up fairly well.”
Jaime didn’t seem to like the compliment as he poured another packet of sugar into his coffee. “Just get on with the bloody thing.”
“Right,” Tyrion clapped his hands together. “You both came into work yesterday very drunk and unable to your respective jobs. In order to save your asses from losing a job, I took you out of work and brought you to Mr. Greyjoy’s apartment where you two decided to drink more.
“You talked about your feelings a lot. You,” Tyrion pointed to Jaime. “Sobbed about Brienne, while you,” Tyrion shifted his gaze pointedly to Theon. “Wailed about the loss of Robb Stark. After finding out about your equal footing, you both decided the best way to celebrate that was to get pronounced, Wingmen for Life.”
“What the fuck is that even?” Theon groaned as he downed his orange juice.
“I haven’t the slightest idea.” Tyrion shrugged as the waitress set down their platters. “All I know is that you both insisted it happen last night and that I officiated it.”
“You aren’t a notary.” Jaime pointed out as he pour an abundant about of maple syrup on his waffles.
“Now you remember.” Tyrion shot out sourly. “Now, we are left here with a few dilemmas.”
“Like?” Theon chewed his bacon slowly and calculatingly.
“First of all, you both have a horrible drinking problem that isn’t helping your angst over your love lives. Angst you both caused, mind you. Secondly,” Tyrion’s attention was on his older brother again. “Brienne has been worried sick about you and wants you to come back.”
“I’m not going back.” Jaime muttered darkly. “I’m a free man now.”
“A few man with no place to stay.” Tyrion pointed out. “Which is dilemma number three.”
“I’ll figure something out.” Jaime waved off.
“Sure,” Tyrion rolled his eyes sharply. “Dilemma number four, you both need help with your love lives.”
“No. Because there is no love life.” Theon stabbed his eggs angrily. “I’m. Not. In. Love.” Theon punctuated each word with a stab of his eggs.
“Really selling it there, bud.” Jaime sneered.
“At least I’m not fucking homeless.” Theon smirked.
“Enough!” Tyrion sighed. “Not even a day as Wingmen for Life and you are already bickering like an old married couple.”
“How many times are you going to say that?” Jaime groaned.
“Wingmen for Life?” Tyrion asked with a slight smile on his lips.
“I’m going to make a drinking game out of it.” Theon decided as he pulled out a flash from his pocket and took a shot from it.
Tyrion looked horrified. “Why do you have that with you? You have work in half an hour.”
“I’ll be fine.” Theon pocketed it again.
“He is right. You do have a drinking problem.” Jaime clicked his tongue. “Shame, at such a young age too.”
“Least I have a steady job and my own apartment.” Theon murmured snidely causing Jaime to flare up in anger again.
Tyrion sighed loudly as the two began to fight again. It was going to be a long day.
--
Tyrion had stressed the entire day and was relieved when five o’clock rolled around and work was over. He nearly ran to his brother’s office to see if he was okay.
Jaime was sleeping on his desk peacefully and Tyrion sighed with relief. He slowly crept around the desk and groaned upon seeing the flask Theon had earlier tucked on Jaime’s lap. Tyrion kicked his desk annoyed.
“What the fuck do you want?” Jaime snapped upon his sleep being disturbed.
“You slept through work. Time to go home.”
“I’m not sleeping on your couch.” Jaime grumbled. “My desk is fine.”
“I didn’t mean my place.” Tyrion rolled Jaime’s chair away from the desk. “I mean your home with your girl-”
“I’m a free man.”
“A homeless free man.” Tyrion added. “You can’t stay here.”
“I’ll get a hotel.” Jaime rolled his eyes. “I’m not completely out of options.”
“Jaime, just go home and talk to Bri-”
“No.” Jaime stood up sharply. “I’m leaving.”
Tyrion raced to stand before Jaime. “Just wait, okay? I need to deal with the other drunkard and then we can discuss this like mature adults, right?”
Jaime didn’t leave a verbal response but it was clear enough that he wasn’t going to be leaving the premise entirely.
“I’ll meet you in the parking lot, okay?” Tyrion called out as he made yet another mad dash to the tech lab in hopes to find Theon alive and sober.
Tyrion was slightly surprised to see Theon working at his computer, typing quickly at the keys with a dully expression in his eyes. He glanced up as Tyrion walked in before scoffing and going back to his work.
“Just checking in.” Tyrion sat in the empty chair next to Theon’s.
“I don’t need a fucking babysitter.” Theon grumbled.
“I know. I just, in light of yesterday’s events, I was worried.” Tyrion patted the arms of his chair distractingly.
“Shouldn’t you be more concerned about your brother?” Theon hissed as he closed his laptop and stood up. Tyrion followed suit.
“You shouldn’t give him booze.” Tyrion reprimanded.
“He gave me fifty bucks for it. I can buy a lot more booze than that little flask can carry.”
“I’m not insulting your business model; I am simply requesting that you don’t egg him on.”
Theon smirked. “Of course, of course. It’s my fault. Whatever.”
“While we are on the discussion of you, don’t you perhaps think it is time to call Robb Stark and-”
“No.” Theon’s face darkened instantly. “I’m not ever going to do that.”
“I see. But you understand things will get resolved much quicker if we-”
“Maybe it is better if they don’t.” Theon pushed open the door to the parking lot with more force than needed. Tyrion ground his teeth together.
“You are so stubborn.”
“I know.” Jaime was speaking now. Theon raised an eyebrow at him.
“I was really talking to Greyjoy, but I suppose the comment can be made about you too.” Tyrion sighed. “Now, Greyjoy, I need you to promise you’ll consider calling Robb Stark-”
“Never.”
“Theon, you know what? Fine. Whatever. Sulk for the rest of your life.” Tyrion spat out. He normally wasn’t so willing to give up on a case like Theon’s but he had to deal with his brother first and foremost. “Jaime, you need to go home.”
“I’m not going there.” Jaime snarled.
“You can hang at my place.” Theon said, but his eyes were aimed at Tyrion. It was like he was trying to get back at Tyrion by dragging Jaime further down. “I have a spare room.”
“See!” Jaime pointed at Theon while glaring at Tyrion. “I don’t need you because I got him!”
“Do you even know his name?” Tyrion asked exasperated.
“It’s Theon and we are going to get along swimmingly and forget our troubles.” Theon smirked as he nodded his head to Jaime.
Jaime nodded back and Tyrion resisted the urge to scream right there.