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Husker remembered damn well why he was drinking. He sat on the floor, feeling the sharp edge of the bed stabbing into his spine. His eyes were fixed on the wall. The feline waited for his vision to adjust to the darkness so he could distract himself by counting the apples on the wallpaper. As useless as it was. Unless those apples were made of vodka, they could do shit both to Husker and his headache.
“Huuusk, are ya here?” A door behind him slowly opened, letting a stripe of light spill on the floor. The brightness made the feline’s eyes burn, “Ya haven’t been answering my texts all day. Is everythin' alright?”
“Yes, Angel, I’m fine.”
Husker winced, as he heard loud clicks of the heels approaching. He didn’t want Angel to see him like that. It was his shit, and he would deal with it on his own. Angel already had enough on his plate.
“Husk, c'mon, we both know I ain't buyin’ that crap. Tell me what happened.”
Husker looked at Angel with a plea for him to leave, but the spider stood still. The feline heaved a sigh and cracked, fixing his eyes on the wall again
“I haven’t drunk today.”
“Are ya quitin’?” The spider asked after a pause.
“Yeah.”
Husker regretted this decision already in the morning, but he needed to try. The feline saw how miserable Angel was when he withdrew from drugs, and how hard he tried to keep away from the booze. The spider really wanted to become better, to ditch this place. The least Husker could do was not to tempt him more.
“Do ya want me ta stay?”
No. Just say no. Let him leave.
“Yes.”
He heard the spider taking pillows from the bed, putting one on the floor for himself, and tucking another behind Husker’s back. Angel sat in front of the feline, forcing the demon to meet his eyes.
“What did ya remember?”
“What?”
“Husk, I’ve been there. I know how… how ya can’t hide from it. Yer head hurts like crazy, the hands are tremblin’, but it’s nothin’, compared to whatever you’ve been runnin’ from. It comes rushin’ down on ya and ya can’t get away. But I’m here, alright? So tell me, what did ya remember?”
Angel’s brows were narrowed, four arms crossed, and eight pink pupils glowed in the dark. Husker could count on his fingers all the times he has seen the spider being so serious. He hated that most of it was caused by him. He wanted to tell Angel to go away; he wanted his lover to be free of his bullshit, but their relationship already spoiled the feline too much. He knew how good it was to be heard, to actually feel someone near him, accepting him…
The last thought made his mind freeze. What if Angel doesn’t accept what he did? What if Husker ruins what they had?
“Husk?”
Fuck it. If this was the end, he would at least have gotten the pain off his chest. He took a deep breath and started speaking quickly, as if trying to get rid of the words.
“It happened after I came from the war. The city buzzed, people chattered, and it was supposed to feel good. But it didn’t. I just needed to come home. I really missed my wife, Mary. All I wanted was to hold her - I don’t think I had touched anyone close in years by then. When I came to our apartment, Mary… well, she was confused. She hadn’t received letters from me for about four months and thought I was dead. I mean, she was happy to see me, but there was that look in her eyes… I knew somethin’ was up. In a few days, we had “the talk”. Long story short, she met a man while I was away and he got her pregnant.”
Husker watched how Angel writhed and looked at him with compassion. The feline could already feel the pain when he would see these eyes fill with disgust. Husker slowed down to get the ugly part as far as possible.
“She said that the guy was a soldier too. He was on leave, had some sort of concussion. They hit it off, spent a few weeks together, but then he had to go back to the front. It was nothin’ serious, so they didn’t keep in touch. And then she learned that she was pregnant. She wanted to raise the child on her own, but I came back. Mary didn’t ask me to stay or help, just laid it out and let me make a decision. I remember that I didn’t even say anythin’, just turned around, went to the bar, and came back the next day. I loved her and, I guess, kinda understood her. She thought I was dead after all. So I came back and said that I will stay. But… I think it would have been better if I walked out.”
Husker rubbed his nose bridge and slumped his head back. The “and that’s why I’m in hell” part was approaching. The idea of backing down was very tempting, but he has passed the point of no return. Now he would either stay a pity in Angel’s eyes or go further and own his story. As much of a coward, as Husker thought himself to be, he felt that the spider deserved at least to know who he was. So he continued.
“Thing is, I wasn’t exactly good at supportin’. The further the time went, the more of a mess I became. At first, everythin’ was okay. I found a job, worked as a bartender, and got some money for both of us to live on. But then all the fucked up shit started comin’ up. I couldn’t sleep at night, twitching at every fuckin’ sound - the stuff from war really screwed up my head. Mary… I know she didn’t do anythin’ wrong, but it still felt like a fuckin’ betrayal. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t get past this. And this baby… I needed to become a father. Shit, her whole family thought it was mine. Mary didn’t tell them about the pregnancy and we decided to keep things as they were. Like we were a normal family. But I just couldn’t BE someone’s father. Everythin’ felt like a fuckin’ play pretend of a life. So I drank. More than I used to. I started staying in the bar till late to get some booze from there, but I always covered for it with my own money. Then I started spendin’ the nights out. I would go from one place to another and come home really fucked up. And finally, I started disappearin’ for days, even fuckin’ weeks. All that time Mary was alone, dealin’ with pregnancy, housekeepin’, her family, and… me. I lost the job in the bar and switched to part-time in the docks, but I couldn’t keep it up for long. And then… fuck, give me a minute.”
Husker couldn’t think of the last time he cried, and, satan, he didn’t want to refresh the memory. When he felt small drops form in the corners of his eyes, the feline crossed his arms. Husker didn’t want to bring attention by wiping out the tears, but he had to cover his vulnerability. Angel put his lower arm on Husker’s leg, giving him reassurance.
“The shit really hit the vent on the family dinner at Mary’s. Her folks had a lot to say about me. And I would be okay with that; it’s not like I haven’t heard shit about myself. I could have gone through it. But they always circled back to what a disgraceful father I would be. Mary did try to calm them, but at some point, she just gave up. I saw it in her eyes, she was fed up with me and, deep inside, needed to say everythin’ I was hearin’ from her parents. I just exploded. I don’t think I even realized what I was doin’, I just vented out all about Mary’s pregnancy and how fucked up everythin’ was after that. Mary… she was ruined. I betrayed her. And I would lie if I said that I didn’t enjoy it to some extent. Mary burst out crying; her mother ran upstairs to calm her; father was shoutin’ at me, and I just left that crazy hive behind. Got on a binge for a week, crushed at my friend’s place from the military. I knew that I had to come back sooner or later, but honestly, I was fuckin’ terrified. When I finally got the balls to do it, I saw that the flat was empty. I thought that she had moved out, but all of her things were still there. Then I called her parents, and they said that after the family dinner, Mary went into preterm labor. She and her son died in the hospital. Obviously, no one expected to see me at the funeral, and, truth be told, I didn’t have the guts to show up. I guess that’s when I became what I am today. An old drunk fuck up.”
Husker looked at his trembling hands. He was waiting for Angel to pull back, tell him what a monster he was, and leave. Instead, he felt a tall body getting closer to him. Angel sat on Husker’s legs, cupped his face with the upper arms, and put the lower hands on his claws.
“That’s some deep shit, Husky. Thank ya fa tellin’ me. I know it was hard.”
“You’re not mad at me?” Husker blinked in confusion.
“Mad? Why the fuck would I be mad at ya?”
“Did you even listen to the story? Because I killed my fuckin’ wife and her child,” Husker freed his claws and pulled away Angel’s hands from his cheeks.
“Babe, first of all, ya didn’t kill her. Ya messed up, fa sure, but yer not responsible fa her death. It was just shitty circumstances. If she wasn’t pregnant, ya would just be a douche, but this happened because of yer wife’s condition, not ya in particular. And secondly, ya did it centuries ago. I don’t know why the hell ya call yourself a fuck up right now, ‘cause from what I can see, yer tryin’ ta be better. That’s already somethin’ a fuck up wouldn’t do. What ya did then doesn’t make ya a bad person right now. C'mon, apple pie says this on repeat like every day. That’s the whole point of this place!”
Angel looked thoroughly into Husker’s eyes, trying to see if he actually heard him. However, every emotion that the feline could have had at that moment was drowned in the amaze.
“I thought you would hate me.” Husker’s voice broke to a whisper.
“Husky, baby, no! I could never hate ya! Ya showed me so much love, and care, ya accepted me fa who I am. That’s more than anyone has ever done fa me. How the fuck am I supposed to hate ya?”
Husker was still in a stupor when Angel reached closer and gently put his lips on the feline’s. He wanted to show what his lover meant to him. Angel felt little wet lines appear on Husker’s fur. He kissed each of them, wiping the traces away. The spider put his fingers back on the feline’s face, stroked the wet fur, and looked into the golden glowing eyes. They both weren’t good at words, but they had this.
“Ya good?”
“Yeah, I think so.” Husker’s voice sounded raspy.
“Good. ‘Cause I’m starvin’, and judgin’ by yer skinny ass, ya really need ta eat too,” Husker’s tail smacked the floor in annoyance, but Angel ignored it. The spider stood up, and stretched his upper arms above the head and lower behind the back. He finally looked at the man under him with a playful grin, “Now c'mon old man. Ya know how I get when I’m hungry, and somethin’ tells me yer not ready fa a blowjob in this depressin’ shit hole”
“Ugh, fuck you,” Husker rolled his eyes as he got up, “Lead the way, legs. Gonna have to leave my dick for the desert”
“Aw, babe, ya finally catchin’ up. And here I thought ya can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” Angel giggled, putting his hand up Husker’s elbow.
“I’m a cat, dumb ass.” Husker snorted, as he slammed the door behind them shut.