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As February arrived, a tide of romantic pink color began to rise in the streets. Every place with candies or pastries to sell was glittering with decorations for Valentine’s Day while panoplies of holiday-themed chocolate products were lining up in the spotlight.
Unlike Christmas or Halloween, Valentine’s Day wasn’t the time for parties. Other than the laughable anxiety it caused some single people, the day offered no entertainment to Draluc, who wouldn’t mind receiving some Valentine gifts for sure, but the traditional gifts of chocolate and flowers were pretty much useless to him. He had no appreciation for such things and certainly didn’t need them to validate his own attractiveness.
One could express love at any time of year as one wanted--As far as Draluc’s concerned, Valentine’s Day was just for the soppy romantics with money to spend and the business owners who were more than happy to take the money.
Nevertheless, while he was browsing in the grocery store after taking a stroll with John, the dazzling array of chocolate products caught his eyes and his patissier heart was tickled. He decided to buy some chocolate in the end to make some brownies for John and the other members in the agency as he had done the previous year.
The only human members in the agency tonight was the rent payer, who had been called away to help with an emergency before the vampire and the familiar came home. By the time he returned, all the energy from his earlier dinner had been used up. He was just about to get Draluc to make him some snack, when the smell of brownies wafted out from the kitchen.
Soon after he had sat down with the excited armadillo, two plates of block-shaped chocolate cakes were presented on the dining table. It’s not a familiar food to Ronaldo, who couldn’t recall the actual name of the thing and just called it “chewy chocolate cake” in his mind due to the chewy texture it had.
Apart from pancakes and cookies, banana desserts were the regular sweets at home. While Ronaldo enjoyed all sorts of sweets, banana desserts were his favorite. He regarded the unusual content in his plate with bemusement.
“Seeing all the Valentine chocolate in the store, I felt that it’d be nice to get into the spirit and make some special chocolate pastries,” the vampire explained. “You may eat it gratefully.”
“Why would you care about Valentine’s Day? It’s got nothing to do with you.”
“What do you know? You’re just a loveless gorilla, light-years away from being developed enough to understand any romantic concept. Valentine’s Day is too advanced for you to even speak of. Just be quiet or I’m taking back your cake.”
On account of the cakes he did very much like to eat, Ronaldo restricted his urge to counter and stayed quiet for a moment. It gave him a sense of gloom to think that Valentine’s Day was coming and that he would yet again have to suffer the inescapable stank of romance and the sadness of being a single folk it invoked. But even though he might never be able to get a romantic partner, he had still got the cutest creature in the world to eat delicious cakes with.
His mood brightened immediately, and while he was eating brownies with John, the memories of last Valentine’s Day floated back upon him. “This may actually be quite nice,” he blurted out.
Putting down the tea set he had just brought out from the kitchen onto the table, Draluc raised an eyebrow in a questioning manner.
“Didn’t we have a contest last year to see who could deliver a Valentine gift to Bubuo in the best way?” Ronaldo reminded him. “The guys all think the mysterious act is great, but that seems a bit too complicated to me. I’d rather it be a simple scenario, like this--just come home from work on Valentine’s Day, all tired and hungry, and then someone immediately brings out something delicious and filling such as a chocolate cake and says ‘Thank you for your hard work, here’s your Valentine present’, isn’t this amazing?”
“I’m only getting the imagery of a mom feeding her kid with pastries from your description.”
“I’m not talking about maternal love, I’m talking about something different, something……you know, romantic,” said Ronaldo, as clearly as a person with no actual experience and little romantic imagination could.
“So someone who isn’t a family member just shows up at home with cakes or other foodstuff the moment you’re back from work? How are they supposed to do that if they haven’t been living with you already? Are they going to hide in this apartment the whole time waiting for you to return?”
“Of course they won’t be hiding in here, that’s insane.”
“They want to give a gorilla Valentine presents, that’s not a sign of a normal mind.”
“Do you wanna die? Plenty of normal folks have given me Valentine presents before, I can kill you more than a hundred times with those gifts.”
“Aren’t those all from the fans of your books? You use the fans’ gifts for murder and I promise that your books will be off the market in a month.”
A nervous look crossed Ronaldo’s face. He silently apologized to every fan who had sent him Valentine gifts in the past. “It doesn’t need to be at home,” he continued, “I just think it’ll be nice to receive the gift privately, at a place I can feel most relaxed, without the awkwardness of having other people watching.”
Draluc sat down at the other end of the table and poured himself a cup of tea.
“What if you come home, and someone brings you a bowl of delicious ramen?” he said wonderingly after a sip of tea.
“That’s not a Valentine gift.”
“It’s given to you as a Valentine gift.”
“Hmm……” Frowning, Ronaldo finished up the rest of his brownie and considered for a little. “Raman……well, raman is an excellent food, isn’t it?” he concluded, “I guess it doesn’t matter what the gift is. As long as someone has put their heart into making something for me, I’ll be happy, even if it’s a sandwich.”
“If a sandwich is good enough by your standards, then I suppose you must be crazy in love with me by now after having my special brownie.”
“Why would you say something like that? Are you trying to make me puke?”
“Go on and throw up every bit of the brownie you just ate,” returned Draluc shortly. “You said it yourself, it’s amazing to have a sweet angel to bring you tasty cakes at home when you’re feeling all tired and hungry--I’m that angel, aren’t I? You only thought of that because you ate my brownie.”
“Yakyuken Lover and his clan would be adorable pixies with pure hearts if you’re an angel. Even if it’s true that I’ve gotten the idea from eating your food, I’m talking about Valentine gifts, this isn’t a Valentine gift.”
Annoyed that the guy had dared to show disdain when he should’ve been crying with gratitude for the delicious homemade cake he had just gobbled down, Draluc couldn’t help but get contrary.
“Who said this isn’t a Valentine gift? It’s obviously a Valentine gift,” he shot back, “And now that you’ve received my gift, you need to thank me! And give me something in return!”
“Bullshit! Today’s not even Valentine’s Day! You can’t just give someone food to eat and then demand them to pay you back after they ate it, that’s fraud!”
“Since when there’s a law stating that Valentine presents can only be given on Valentine’s Day? Everyone knows that February is the month of Valentine, I can give my Valentine presents on any day of the month as I damn please. You already ate the Valentine brownies I’ve put a great deal of my time and heart into making and that’s fact. You’ve been mooching wonderful food from me every day and never once thanked me properly! Either you get on your knees and praise my greatness in a ten-hour song right now, or bring me gifts in return!”
“I didn’t mooch off you, you’re mooching off me by living in my place where I pay for pretty much everything! If I really give you a thank-you gift, then it’ll mean that you’ve really given me a Valentine gift, did you think about that, you dumbass?!”
“I don’t care, I want gifts!” Draluc cried out in a voice of hyper excitement, “Give! Me! Gifts--! Give! Me! Gifts--! Give! Me! Gifts--!”
“Quit acting like a crazy kid at the toy shop!”
Unresponsive to that, the vampire continued to shake his fists up and down like rattles while chanting loudly: “Give! Me! Gifts--! Give! Me! Gifts--! Give! Me! Gifts--!”
“Arghh, okay, okay! Just shut up!”
Homicidal desires flared through Ronaldo’s mind. However, he had indeed just eaten the other’s cake, and with John chiming in for the vampire’s support from the side, he had no choice but to suppress his urge to punch the vampire into sand and move up grudgingly to get something from the business room.
“Here’s your gift.”
Having returned in the living room, he stepped toward the vampire, and in the solemn manner of someone delivering a valuable treasure, laid down a Buddha figure keychain onto his outstretched hand.
A glance at the Buddha keychain that could spring up its leg to make a kicking posture cooled Draluc’s head entirely. His face turned blank without any residual excitement.
“What am I supposed to do with this ugly piece of junk?”
“This isn’t ugly junk, it’s a practical item that is cute and stylish!”
“Didn’t you try to give this thing to Bubuo in the Valentine contest last year and get rejected? Why would you still have the face to give this to someone as a gift? Not even Bubuo wanted this.”
“That’s only because Bubuo didn’t understand the value of Kicker-kun!” Ronaldo blustered, indignant at the unjustified insults of his present. “It’s a wonderful Valentine gift. Sure it’s great to get Valentine chocolates, but you can’t keep foodstuffs as a souvenir. Once you eat the stuff, it’s gone, and isn’t that a shame? It’s better to have something useful you could keep.”
“Valentine’s Day is meant to be impractical, it doesn’t require any usefulness. Besides, what use does this thing have except being a comedy prop?”
“It’s a keychain, you use it to hold keys! I’ve been using the Buddha-kun from the same franchise for a long time and it’s great! My Buddha-kun’s broken now, but I still haven’t thrown it away. It’s still living in my drawers.”
“Don’t keep it! It’s broken, just throw it out already along with the rest of the useless junk in your drawers!”
“I’m not going to throw away Buddha-kun just because he’s broken! He’s my buddy!”
“It’s a piece of trash, and unless you want it to come to life, I suggest you stop investing love in it,” said Draluc tersely, then he took another contemptuous look at the keychain. “My gosh, this is lousy enough as an ordinary present, let alone a Valentine gift. I don’t know why I would be surprised. I should’ve known, it’ll be much more likely for a slug to print a faultlessly replicated Millet than for an oafish gorilla who has never even seen the shadow of romance like you to deliver an adequate Valentine present.”
“How dare you underestimate my Valentine gifting skill,” Ronaldo was offended. “I can deliver the most amazing Valentine present like a champ! I just didn’t have time to prepare!”
“Even if I give you more time to deliver another Valentine present on Valentine’s Day, you’re just going to bring out some other stupid trash.”
The vampire’s slight ignited a fire in Ronaldo’s heart.
“Humph, I’ll show you,” he said sternly, boiling with determination to prove himself. “This Kicker-kun is only a starter--On Valentine’s Day, I shall reveal my true Valentine power and give you a Valentine gift so absolutely beautiful that you’ll die of happiness!”
The expression on Draluc’s face was unmoved as he stared at the galvanized young man. Since it’s unlikely to cause him any trouble, he didn’t object, just made a sarcastic hum in response.
Later, in light of the fact that Kicker-kun might actually be incubated into a living being one day if returned to the well of amassed trash energy in Ronaldo’s drawers, and he might possibly have a crying fit to deal with, after getting brutally murdered, if he was caught throwing out the thing, the vampire resignedly put the ugly keychain inside his own coffin.
Though Draluc was far from trembling with excitement at the thought of receiving a Valentine gift from Gorillado, making fun of the guy had always been one of his favorite hobbies, and for that reason, there wasn’t a day since he wouldn’t remind the young man at least once of the “Beautiful Valentine Gift” he was promised. Initially, Ronaldo had come to his senses and realized that he had no reason to get the vampire a Valentine gift while struggling to find something nice in the mall the next day, but with the provocation that the vampire incessantly threw in his way, it was impossible for him to back down from the mission, which was no doubt stupid and utterly pointless, and he must spare no effort to show the damn Sand a gift to die for.
On the night of Valentine’s Day, the vampire woke up and rose from his coffin in high spirits as if he was getting impatient with waiting. “The day of judgment has come, human,” he announced instantly with a theatrical drawl, “Let’s see what shitty Valentine gifts you’ve prepared for my amusement……”
His haughty voice ceased as he turned around and saw Ronaldo.
The guy was standing gracefully before the dining table, in a female outfit with a long half-slip and a pair of sizable pads under his blouse. On his head was a silver wig that looked the same as his real hair but slightly longer, touching his shoulders in soft curls.
Even his legs were shaved.
“Good evening, I’m Rona,” he greeted Draluc demurely.
Draluc stared at him, not exactly shocked. “Why Rona?” he asked, though it’s pretty clear to him what the guy was thinking.
“Even if Ronaldo gives you the best Valentine gift, you’d just complain about how it isn’t a romantic scene and wouldn’t be happy. So Rona’s here, to create a more romantic atmosphere.”
“Changing a gorilla man to a gorilla girl was what you did by bringing Rona here. I would’ve said that it improves nothing, except you’re taking this so seriously, which means you’ll be real crushed when I laugh at your trashy gift, so I suppose that’s a plus.”
“Shut up, don’t call Rona a gorilla girl! Rona’s a very sweet, very nice woman! And the gift she prepared for you is not trashy, it’s amazing!”
“Is this how Rona talks? It doesn’t sound very nice and sweet to me, and certainly not charming,” the vampire regarded him critically with the expression of a mean stepmother from the old fairytale movies. “By the way, who’s Rona supposed to be? Just a random female gorilla who got attracted to me when I visited the zoo?”
“Please stop calling Rona a gorilla, Mr. Damn Sand. Rona’s a nice person, but if you keep saying terrible things, Rona’s going to get angry and kill you,” responded Ronaldo in a soft voice, then he took a moment to ponder over Rona’s character. “Rona is……someone who has grown to like you, after knowing you for a while, even though you’re a useless douche, so she’s obviously a loving but not very smart person with a huge heart. And here is the Valentine present Rona lovingly prepared for you.”
Before the vampire could quarrel, Ronaldo twirled around and lifted up an elegant glass bottle from the table behind.
The vampire held up the bottle for a brief study. It was about 16.9oz, with a sparkling blood-red label of a heart-shaped diamond, upon which, written in extravagant Gothic cursive, were a piece of Valentine message and the information of the manufacturer.
“Chocolate blood wine, huh?”
“I’ve thought about getting a new vacuum cleaner or some kitchen tools at first, but you said that it’s no good giving useful stuff on Valentine’s Day. And I didn’t know what video games to buy that you haven’t played already, so I decided to just follow the tradition and get you something made with chocolate.”
“Vacuum cleaner or some kitchen tools? Aren’t those the kind of gifts for moms?” replied Draluc with scorn. “And not even a real mom would be happy to receive those things as gifts. Those are just stuff you should buy, giving them out as gifts is not thoughtful, it’s practically just saying to whoever those gifts are for that their only purpose of existence is to do chores.”
“That’s why I didn’t buy those! I bought this! This chocolate blood wine is the hottest luxury Valentine gift for vampires these days, it’s even more expensive than a vacuum cleaner!”
“Just because something is expensive doesn’t mean it’s good, and isn’t it too much of a cliche to give a vampire chocolate blood wine on Valentine’s Day?” Draluc glanced down nonchalantly at the wine bottle. “This is just the kind of stuff someone buys after googling ‘Valentine gift for vampires’. I don’t see any thought in this. All it shows me is that you’re really a circus monkey that could only play the tricks you’re taught. I bet you didn’t even know what type of blood this thing is mixed with.”
“Of course I know, it’s type O!”
“And that just proved my point. If you’re more thoughtful, you would’ve cared to learn that it’s type B blood that I like, not type O.”
Ronaldo paused, and then moved his eyes away. “I didn’t know that. Sorry it isn’t type B blood,” he said curtly.
“Huh?”
The sudden gloom on the human’s face tossed Draluc to bemusement.
He took another quick look at the bottle of wine in his hand, before fixing his eyes on Ronaldo again with deliberation.
“Is this……your blood?”
“You would’ve said it’s lazy if I bought something off-the-shelf,” Ronaldo’s voice was plain as he replied, “The shop assistant told me that most of the humans who want to get this stuff as a Valentine gift for vampires would use their own blood as a loving gesture……It doesn’t matter. I’m not thoughtful or romantic and I have no clue of how to give someone a nice Valentine gift, there, I said it. Just give me back the thing if that’s not to your taste.”
The thought that he had actually put himself out to get the vampire a cheesy Valentine gift like that was painfully embarrassing. He would’ve killed the nit-picking jerk right now if his rage hadn’t been overwhelmed by the sting of humiliation, which he loathed himself for feeling and strove to keep under the surface. With a set face, he reached out to take back the chocolate blood wine.
The vampire dodged his hand promptly, tucking the bottle of wine into his own arms.
“You can’t take back a gift,” Draluc scolded, only the tartness was gone from his voice. “It may not be the type B blood I prefer, but it’s extracted for me from someone who is afraid of needles. I doubt that it’ll taste bad.” He gave Ronaldo a smile, “It’s a pretty good gift, and I appreciate it. I’ll get you something in return next month.”
“Uh……” Ronaldo looked at him with a bit of surprise, his face relaxing as the sting of humiliation faded off. “Emm, you don’t need to get me anything……”
“But Rona’s has put her heart into preparing such a loving gift for me, how can I ever call myself a gentleman again if I don’t return the gesture?”
A rush of warmth spread over Ronaldo’s cheeks. He fumbled for comebacks, and grumbled vaguely for the lack of anything better: “......That’s dumb.”
In reply the vampire said nothing, just smiled and walked away with the chocolate blood wine, a slender hand stroking the bottle tenderly in the meantime.
On the label of the wine bottle, printed in Gothic cursive calligraphy which Ronaldo was unable to decipher, was the Valentine message for “My immortal companion”. To whom it said: “It will be my joy to live in your blood as you’re deep in mine”.
After gazing at it for a little, Draluc laid down the bottle gently into his own coffin, where it would be perfectly safe while he took a trip to the grocery with Ronaldo. It seemed inappropriate to leave a Valentine chocolate for another day, and since someone having a casual meal could hardly be the ideal aesthetic background for a vampire to elegantly drink his blood wine, he decided to put in the work and make a dinner fancy enough for the occasion.
Happiness suffused Ronaldo when he and John were sharing a delicious roast chicken at the dining table. Across them, the vampire sipped his blood wine with open delight, which somehow made Ronaldo feel a bit bashful.
In the following mid-March, when Ronaldo came home after work in the early evening, he found a cardboard cake box that looked about the size of a fist waiting for him on the dining table.
There’s a card strapped under the red ribbon on the glossy dark-purple box. He picked up the card, and saw a piece of message in what he recognized to be Draluc’s neat handwriting.
The vampire who was currently nowhere to be seen had written: “Thank you for your hard work, here’s something in return for your Valentine present--To express the love I feel, I put in an entire heart.”
Thinking for sure that Draluc was just running off at the mouth like usual and would forget about it soon, he hadn’t kept the matter in mind and was surprised that the guy would actually get him a gift on White Day.
“An entire heart, what a poser,” he scoffed, cheeks coloring despite him.
With a little stir of anticipation, he removed the ribbon and opened the box.
Inside, the thing was so red that it seemed to be still dripping blood; a chunk of raw muscle with nubs of severed blood vessels jutting out at the top. It looked exactly like the mammalian heart in the biology textbooks if they had put in the real photo instead of an illustration.
“Weearghhhhhhhhh--!”
“Hahaha!”
Bursting into laughter at his terrified scream, the vampire strode out from where he had been hiding with John in the kitchen.
What appeared to be the fresh organ from a recently butchered victim of a psychopathic killer was, in fact, a strawberry chocolate cake in the shape of a real heart. To produce something as shockingly true to life as this, Draluc who wasn’t renowned for his artistic talent had hired a professional creative cake specialist a few weeks ago for a private tuition.
Once the vampire had gleefully explained, Ronaldo rewarded him with a hard punch in the face.
Though the intent behind the project was infuriating, the strawberry chocolate cake with banana filling was heavenly and Ronaldo rather liked it.
Afterwards, having finished a succeeding dinner of handmade burgers, he went to the business room to work on the latest chapter of the Ronaldo Chronicles, and as he opened the drawer of his desk, he saw that a new Buddha keychain of the same design as his old broken one was lying atop his laptop.
He put his keys on the new Buddha-kun.